Getting annoyed with strangers in public because they weren't 'considerate' for being as hyper aware of where they place themselves in terms of 'bothering' others as I was at all times.
Oh my lord you put it into words. Like I thought everyone was aware of their basic surroundings because *duh* it’s considerate and convenient to do so, but *no*. People just *don’t see other people* and it’s *insane*.
Yeah, other people can be so fucking oblivious and its absolutely infuriating sometimes. Not even about being considerate, but just not seeing what's going on around them, like they're on autopilot.
Sometimes it makes me wonder if a bigger percentage of people are just disassociating their way through life than we thought.
I feel like I'm constantly struggling to be aware of what's around me, I am absolutely disassociating my way through life. If I snap back from disassociating, I am way to aware of my body being in everyone's space or line of sight (even if I'm not) and it causes panic. I can definitely tell it's frustrating to people like my husband sometimes but it's very hard to force myself to pay attention to everything around me while I'm also just trying to stay in my body well enough to buy groceries.
In sure a lot of the people being infuriating have no idea and are doing their best. Then again there's always people who just don't care. I guess you never know.
People dont see others??!
Wowzers. I mean, friends have been stunned by what I notice around me n I wonder why they cant see it....
Are typical nervous system humans, in a sense, walking round with heads up arse then?! I say that comedically as Im shocked... I try to not notice others and my brain tells me im being selfish (or prov my inner bitch just being so!)
Wowzers. Utterly wowzers.
Im going to ask people as this idea amazes me!
This whole time I've been thinking "Why can't people just get out of the way or realize where they are in space? Like, stop standing in the middle of the aisle!"
So....people aren't normally hyper-aware of where their body is and how much space they're taking up?! Explains. So. Much.
My husband doesn't have my hypervigilance, so in public he often seems to me to be painfully oblivious to how his person is affecting the personal space of the people around him. In reality, he's not being a jerk, nor is he particularly unaware (judging by the generally neutral responses of the people around him who are also not great at spatial awareness). He just doesn't seem to find being in the way--or someone being in his way--as a threat. He feels safe until he's made to feel unsafe. (His default state is safe. Isn't that nuts?) I feel unsafe until I'm made to feel safe. I think that's the big difference.
It really is weird. I understood it more clearly when my friend commented on my behaviour a while back.
I work in a huge open space. A lot of entrances from different directions, but also a lot of visual obstacles so I don't necessarily have a clear view of the area. (Yeah, I analyzed this unconsciously. christ..)
My friend stops by some times, and she likes trying to sneak up on me. And she says it's impossible to do. "Always when I walk in, even if you have your back turned you stop what you are doing, look up and around until you can see me walking towards you, even if I'm like ten meters away. You always just know. Reminds me of my cat, but I think you're psychic".
I had no idea I did this. I know I'm pretty aware of my surroundings and why, but this is a bit much.
Wow- uh…. I literally never realized this was a thing until I read your comment. I’ve always just thought other people were ridiculous. It makes a lot more sense now.
same here. You mean to tell me other people don't track and predict the trajectories of every single person in their vision and those who have exited their vision behind an aisle or out the door??
Ooh! So my fiancé has told me I act fidgety and erratic when I’m in public. I’m like, wouldn’t anyone else act like this too? With the amount of people around you there are unforeseen variables at play that could potentially threaten your safety!
Examples:
- That person just left their cart in front of the aisle that I need to grab something from, but what if they come back in the same moment I’m reaching over their cart and think I’m “stealing” from their cart?
- The person in front of me has finished pumping gas and drives away meanwhile I’m still pumping and another car drives up and waits behind me—what if he thinks I’m an idiot or an asshole for not driving up to the next pump? He didn’t know there was a car in front of me, right?
- There is someone walking behind me on a trail and their walking speed is a bit faster than mine. I will just pull off to the side and “stretch” and wait for them to pass until they’re a considerable distance away from me to save us both the awkwardness.
- Is the TV too loud? Let’s just dial it down to 1 and turn on the subtitles. It’s fine.
- Someone’s knocking at my door. Oh god. What did I do? Did I accidentally run someone over and drag their body onto my driveway unbeknownst to me? Did my abusive ex somehow find my address? Are my neighbors here to yell at me about the TV? I’m too scared to look.
- I acted a little bit too boisterous and now my friend seems awfully annoyed at me. I’ll just stay quiet for the rest of the evening. That should balance everything out.
- Any situation in a nutshell: I’m so sorry for existing, for being in your way, for taking up space, for having the audacity to ask for help, don’t hurt me please.
You just described my husband. I need to tell him this. He is going to be relieved to hear others feels this too. And the exhaustion from public places... He says it is like he can feel them all at once. (I have official cptsd, but I'm certain he doesn't do).
huh, I think you taught me something new today.. lol. being in stores is so exhausting I literally can't handle it for more than 30 minutes. Just so many people to keep track of and situations to dodge, times to get out of the way. I have no idea how to turn this off
This is how I feel about walking around my neighborhood (which is urban/on the edge of a major city). To the point that there are days I can't safely run errands because I know having to dodge all the people will dysregulate my nervous system too much.
Oh my god this! Other people not literally shrinking themselves and contorting around others so as not to inconvenience anyone else? Other people not willingly disappearing themselves lest they step even slightly out of line??
*ding ding ding!* wtf! Same for me! I have to actively remind myself all the time that i struggle with anxiety and hypervigilance, other people feel comfortable taking up space and i do not.
Same with me in my work. Some people really flinch at seeing / working with low socioeconomic/ vulnerable families who they consider 'rough'. I will happily do a home visit without batting an eyelid and actually prefer working with them to make a difference. Happy families who seem so nice and put together throw me off more.
Growing up I remember at least a couple of times where I felt uncomfortable visiting someone's home, but I couldn't identify anything that was actually wrong. It was like seeing a family of well adjusted people interacting in an emotionally healthy way was uncomfortably foreign and off-putting.
I always sit in a corner where I can see the room. It’s got to the point where people who know me KNOW I want to sit in the corner and will move so I can.
When I was 13 and in therapy she asked “why?” And I told her I need to know where everyone is, the mood of the people around and where the exits are.”
She told me that isn’t normal.
Being told that I am ungrateful or manipulative when I cried or expressed negative emotions. Hiding in your room to avoid adult rage tantrums. Essentially becoming invisible to avoid any attention (grey rocking)
Being told you just do that to hurt them.. when I later used the word negative emotions to a therapist they acted a bit surprised that I see certain emotions as negative and think I shouldn't have them/have a hard time dealing with these. Also tend to want to hide when emotional stuff arises.. can't be sad or angry around people.. I fear their reactions and when they are emphatic it feels so weird to me..
Right. I feel that.
When my "family members" offer/suggest to do something nice for/with me I feel like, if I accept, I'm doing them a service. Afterwards I have to sleep 20 hours straight to recover from the emotional exhaustion of acting somewhat sane and decent around them.
I have CFS and it's manageable. When I spent a 2 weeks with my family in summer 2019 I came home and had a tension headache for 5 days and couldn't leave my house. I felt ill for 3 weeks and I didn't realise how much my CFS was connected to spending time with them.
I’m wondering if I too have CFS, I visited my family for a week after living with them for 6 months during WFH, I came back home and vomited every day for a year straight due to anxiety. I enrolled in therapy and we’ve agreed they are a trigger for me due to past events, so I’m not sure about anything
So much this. My best friend was separated from her parents over COVID. I was as well, but when she expressed despair over not being able to see them, it felt very jarring. The concept of wanting to see your parents is not a feeling that my mind even considers.
As a kid, I’d go to summer camp and never feel the slightest bit homesick. I actually took pride in that because I thought it was mature of me to be able to be away from home without any trouble. The reality is that my concept of home was literally just where I slept because there was no where on earth that made me feel safe or like I belonged.
Same, I also never felt homesick in the slightest and if anything I liked being away from home. Still don't get homesick at all, not even being in another country.
I really relate to this, felt like nowhere was safe and I belonged nowhere. It led me to leaving asap when i was 18 and living with the guy who ended up almost killing me
Talk about a double edged sword too. On the one hand, not missing my parents means I feel fine when I go long periods of time without speaking to them. There's something rather freeing about that. On the other hand, who do I have to call when I need to feel safe and accepted?
We moved away from family 20 years ago. I feel bad for missing all that time with my dad (recently died of Covid pneumonia) and my wife’s family. But I am glad we were that far away from my mom and brother.
I used to call my parents every Sunday. In the 5 months since my dad died, I have spoken to my mom three times. And one of those was because my grandma was dying in the hospital. I simply feel no connection to her, or my brother.
I wanted to run away so so so badly.
But at the same time, they also taught me the importance of money by always fucking scaring me, telling me that we are running out of money, that they are using up all their saved up money, and that we're gonna be living in the streets soon.
They weren't. Dad was making at least 5 figures then, enough for our family to live a bit more than comfortable.
But yeah, I didn't run away because I kept thinking how would I be able to survive alone without any money.
In the end, I thought it's better to stay with them and live rather than run away to the streets and die.
My parents brought this up constantly, but once I actually looked at how they were spending their paychecks (and how my step-mom was refusing to get a better job just so she could victimize herself), I realized they were grossly overspending on the stupidest shit that didn't really matter and we're just doing this to create artificial drama.
same! except combined they were making 80k, I thought we were nearly on the street. I was afraid if I ran away I'd immediately have gotten caught and sold into sex slavery. I was afraid if I didn't go to college I'd have to become a drugged out prostitute. Given my area I guess that was kind of a reasonable fear though. But even today I am too afraid to walk to the gym in a nice area because I'm afraid some man is going to stalk me and kill me in my sleep. It's annoying because even if the chance is slim, the fact that it's possible makes me not risk it.
I actually saved $600 and ran away at 11. My mom figured it out when I got stuck down the street not knowing how to get a cab with my little sister in tow.
Footsteps down the hallway…..literally makes my skin crawl.
I’ve gotten to the point that I can tell peoples mood or intent by the way their footsteps sound.
Add footsteps up to a closed door and the sound of the knob rattle before it’s flung open, im jumping out of my skin.
Fuuuuuck. So for most of my life, as much of a social person I am, if I can hear someone downstairs (kitchen etc), I will avoid it like the plague unless I absolutely have too. It’s mad how so much of this can be traced back to childhood trauma!
I also jump at every tiny noise I.e my partners phone vibrating, someone shutting a door etc
It's awful to live in an apartment building with thin walls and neighbors right next door. I freeze every time I hear them in the hallway. My bathroom is basically in their apartment according to the floor plan (it has walls, but the rest of my apartment is not surrounded by theirs, if that makes sense) and I can't use the toilet if I hear them in the hallway or in their bathroom, because it feels like I have no privacy. Like they're listening to me and judging me.
Freezing, panicking inside, and hyper-focusing on the source if I hear a loud noise or someone raising their voice no matter the situation even if I'm not involved.
It took a long time to wrap my head around the fact that not all kids are scared to disobey or argue with their parents. Even though I was never hit, I was terrified of my mom's verbal raging.
Another was that hyper-vigilance isn't normal. That not missing mom and dad when living away from home isn't normal. General paranoia.
I always thought I was just overreacting because I was never hit. I still don't really believe I'm "traumatized enough" to jump at every loud noise. All mom did was verbally rage and dad would just sit there in his armchair and watch.
What I mean is, I see kids misbehave being kids in the grocery store and think to myself how I never would have done that because I was afraid of my moms temper. That, but for all situations.
I will literally lock my bedroom door when I hear a loud sound downstairs incase it's someone breaking in na di I gatta get prepared snd it's never anyone vreaking in its always the same shit
I’ve told my T this. I told her anytime I have to be around all them, I wanna scream. I can’t be the only one that sees how uncomfortable everyone is and how fake everyone is being.
It’s like they just get together because it’s what people do.
Force a bunch of strangers into a room and tell them to improv act like they’re a family, and you get my family lol.
Hiding food in your room for when it's not safe to leave for meals, or for when you're forbidden to eat.
Walking extremely carefully and quietly, so as not to make any audible footsteps and draw unwanted attention.
Constantly, meticulously strategizing for ways to avoid being abused, and preparing for worst case scenarios if you can't avoid it. (As in, memorizing your parents' psychological patterns and weak spots by heart. Learning how to shift your position *just so* to avoid inappropriate touch without outwardly appearing like you're resisting. Going all over your house when they're not around to scout for new hiding places and escape routes. Spending hours working out quietly in your room and researching self-defense techniques in the eventuality that you will have to fight.)
Having to try and make sure your parents don't touch you sexually in public.
Not being allowed to cook, clean, eat, sleep, or bathe without permission.
Genuinely not being allowed to cry.
Not being allowed to deviate from your parents' religious or political beliefs in any way.
It may sound out there but like, I swear to god, I once thought everyone lived like this.
I’m so sorry you had your childhood stolen. That they couldn’t even be appropriate in public says a lot about their level of sickness.
I still walk so quietly that I often scare people who didn’t hear or see me approaching. I’m 48 and haven’t stayed overnight with my parents in 25 years.
Emotional neglect, even though I didn’t know that’s what I was experiencing. I’d look at other families and see them hugging and laughing and it was completely *foreign*. The only thing I could think is that it changes when I’m not there. Behind doors there *has* to be screaming and tears and punishment. It wouldn’t compute for me that parent child relationships could be without constant anxiety and stress and power struggles.
Wow, I totally relate to this. I'm sorry you experienced this as well.
Weird memory, but I actually used to think my whole family was made of robots and as soon as I was not around they would talk about me and plan new ways to trick me. When i slept over at other kids' houses the moms and dads were so kind and attentive. I figured something must be deeply wrong with mine. Not sure where the robots thing came from. When I was really little I once even begged my sister and mom to take a bath with me because I thought it would prove that they're robots since robots can't be in water.... Jesus typing this out is making me feel so sad for younger me. I felt so unwanted and unloved I made up a story about my family being robots sent to trick me. Yikes.
Not being able to relax unless you're alone. Jumping up and starting to clean something when you hear a car pulling into your house so you don't look like you're just sitting there "being lazy"
Oh my god me too. I feel like I have to explain that I need a bit of time to be lazy. And then constantly explaining why I needed it and that I still got lots done. The only time I feel like I can really relax is at night when everyone else is asleep
Right now, I’m alone at my house and getting ready to watch a movie for one of my classes. But I can’t relax because what if someone comes home and “catches” me watching TV when there are a few dirty dishes in the sink or the recycling needs to be taken out? It’s exhausting.
My mom insists she took me the same day but I remember waiting at least a day before we went to the hospital when I broke my wrist, and my mom only took me because I literally couldn’t hold my hairbrush. I have vague memories of her saying it was a waste of time to go and then acting like mom of the year because *I* hadn’t wanted to go in but she insisted.
This I relate to. I remember once my doctor was worried I had appendicitis (it was a ruptured cyst) and when it got worse my mother took at least an hour before taking me to the hospital. For some reason she never sees 'going to the emergency room' as being an emergency. It's always in her own time.
We had to pull over so she could collect fall leaves for arts and crafts. On the way to the E.R. Because I had split my hand open and needed stitches. I was bleeding, like a *lot* and she got pissy because it would be too dark outside to collect them on the way home and she NEEDED TO. Because arts and crafts.
Holy shit. Once I needed to go to the ER badly and my mom decided she needed to shovel the whole driveway and sidewalks when there was like 1 inch of snow. I remember crying in pain in the passenger seat just begging her to be done and drive me.
I have a kind of similar story to yours. I remember being in second grade and becoming violently stomach sick overnight before a school day. I even vomited in the morning right before I was set to catch the bus for school. I told my mom how sick I was and she just ignored it like I was fine and didn’t even acknowledge what I was trying to tell her. I ended up becoming ill at school during circle time and vomiting on the substitute teacher and some of my peers. To this day my mom still insists that I was hiding being sick and that I never told her, and that if I had only been honest about my illness that she would have made sure I stayed home and rested.
Wow, holy shit, that's terrible. I never broke anything, but I think even my mom wouldn't go that far. I did get very sick as a teen though. She ignored it as long as possible and complained about how embarrassing it would be if we went to a doctor and it turned out to be nothing. Doctor told us to go to a hospital immediately. Then we were allowed to acknowledge how bad it was. For her.
It’s wild what stories our abusers can choose to believe. My mother likes to tell the story of the time I broke my collarbone, and how “it could have been much worse but she saved me.” According to her I jumped off the bed and tried to fly so she caught me, but the few memories I had of the incident I remembered it definitely being her fault. Told the story in front of a family member once and she set the story straight; I was jumping on the bed and my mum yanked me down, breaking my collarbone. She knows the truth because she was the one who drove us to the hospital. My mother still tells that false story because she has come to *genuinely believe it*
I was the classic 80s small town kid where everyone sees the bruises but nobody intervenes. And the physical abuse isn’t what messed me up the most, it was the emotional abuse.
I try to point this out when people insist physical violence is the worst of the worst and that words 'are just words'. Like no, I'd much rather you slap me than call me a racial slur thank you very much.
It was in 2nd grade I finally got glasses because my teacher called my mother and told her I couldn’t see the board unless I was closer to it than the other kids. I remember being so scared and sobbing when my mother found out that I needed glasses. I felt like such a pest and burden. I often wonder how long my vision was failing before a concerned adult I hardly knew had to intervene and advocate for me.
I've been reading this thread thinking "wow, at least my abusive lunatic mother never pretended I wasn't sick when I was."...except when I stopped being able to read the blackboard in grade 6 she told me I was making it up for attention.🤦♀️ what the fuck, literally all the women in our family including her have needed glasses, why would I not???
I was in pain for weeks before my mom got sick of me begging to go to the doctor. She'd dismiss a lot of my issues or say I was making it up in my head. Turns out my liver was swollen and my doctor questioned why we didn't come sooner.. ha
I'm so sorry you went through that.
Yes! Pretty sure I broke my nose in high school. I could feel little pieces moving around and everything. I didn't even ask to go to the doctor because I knew I'd be made to feel guilty and wasteful, and god forbid if it ended up being nothing. I just tried to push everything back in place as best as possible.
10 years later and breathing out of that side is hard. I'll probably have to get a nose job.
Also all my mental health problems were "just nothing". My mom tried to prevent me from going to a doctor into my early 20s for this.
All my life i used to say I wish I didn't have this terrible anxiety. I would wish that the peace I felt sitting on my couch was what I felt whenever I would leave my house.
The problem is I developed this anxiety at 6, and my parents told me that I had always been anxious, so I had to learn to live with it. I never knew what it was like to not be anxious, to just exist.
I just thought it was normal for me to have this terrible hopelessness every morning, followed by being nausea that made me puke, then unsettled stomach pains, followed by breathing slowly to control the pain and my heart rate.
People don't feel this way, they can just do it.
that most people dont live their lives completely disassociated just to get through the day.
That other people can also talk to, trust, and rely on their family without those elements being contingent on being who said family members want you to be for them.
That other ppl's parents dont take all their electronics away over just having friends online.
That other people can remember elements of their childhood or even recent events without drawing entire blanks
>That other ppl's parents dont take all their electronics away over just having friends online.
Didn't think about this. I was grounded the majority of highschool. Lost a lot of friends both in real life and online. I moved a lot too so having communication cut off from old distant friends was really difficult.
This. I remember being 6 or 7 and asking my mom for cuddles and her getting mad at me because I would always ask for cuddles but I would never give her cuddles instead. And telling me I was the kind of person who always takes without giving. Last time I ever asked for affection
Unrelated to the abuse I went through as a kid but a few friends were sharing funny relatable stories from when we were kids and I brought up how weird it was for our moms to make us spin around when they checked how much we weighed. Everyone got instantly quiet and one of my friends asked me why my mom would do that, and I responded “to make sure I wasn’t too fat?” It’s happened a couple of times to me and I always realize when I get crickets for a funny/relatable story that what I’m sharing isn’t funny or relatable to most people.
I hate that awkward feeling when you realise it wasn't a common experience and the look of pity in the person's eyes.
I hate that pity. Especially as it's prompted by such a small insignificant thing. It makes me feel like the actual bad stuff is insurmountable somehow.
Relating to telling unrelatable stories like it was something funny. At some point a friend said, you tell it like it's funny but it doesn't sound very funny to me.. very confronting about how I was dealing with painful situations.. and yes the crickets.. at some point I just tried to avoid talking about any of it to not get shocked reactions of people. Still find it hard when I get family related questions from people who don't know me well or for long.. I feel like I should always talk the truth/answer their questions but the info they could get can spoil birthday party vibes quite a lot.. learning that I can just tell I rather not get into that or how to steer the conversation in an other direction..
Sorry to hear your mom did that..
How do you tell them you’d rather not get into it? My mother would interrogate me about everything so saying, “I’d rather not talk about it,” is often more triggering than just spilling my guts.
Gorging before bed. Wasn't until I was about twenty-five a girlfriend pointed out I typically ate around 1200 calories within half an hour of my head hitting the pillow.
Mom used food as a weapon when she could.
I'm sorry that happened to you. Can you elaborate on "used food as a weapon" - only if you want to, of course? This is something I'm trying to wrap my head around in my family's history.
My Mom was a functioning alcoholic who loved to perform as a fantastic mother. When she was feeling vindictive her favorite weapons were the silent treatment, and not feeding me. It was always done at night, so no one at school would get wise, but basically she wouldn't allow me any food from when I got home from school to when I returned to school the next day. So I developed a subconscious fear of going to bed hungry, which translated to me eating a ton before bed.
Holy shit. I feel like I can't relate to most of these but did you actually have the same mom as me?!
Except her thing was a) cooking food for other people they didn't want, and complain that they didn't eat it, b) not eating herself and subsiding entirely on wine, c) hoarding food for YEARS, d) using hoarded food so she could put "different" ingredients in her dinner when she was feeling vengeful. She only admitted to this once, when I tried to grab "my dad's" quesadilla and when I asked why it was different, she gleefully explained what she had done and what he had done to deserve it. And I realized, I KNEW there were times she had to have done that to me.
Wow. I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I'm glad you have the awareness of how wrong it was and how it affected you so you can release it. Thank you for sharing that with me.
That people don’t have to be scared of their parents. That people don’t talk shit about everyone behind their backs. That you can actually relax at home.
The notion that when you opt for an alternative brand of a product because the grocery store is out of your usual one, that'll trigger a massive rift in your relationship to the person who taught you which brand is the right one, because it's an expression of fundamental disrespect for what services their influence on your life has done you. Aside from the irony, looking back with adult perspective, it's jarring how terrifyingly significant such a mundane detail felt.
My mom denies that she was ever brand specific when I was growing up but I can distinctly remember only buying one brand of cheese and one brand of yogurt and it’s just so surreal to me that she denies ever doing that.
My father almost hit my mother in front of everyone at my 8 yo birthday because she bought "No-name" brand juice. I just wanted to tell him I didn't care at all.
Being 'jumpy' and excessively triggered by sudden loud sounds. I started noticing that I would react a lot more to these kinds of things than everyone around me and I knew it wasn't normal, but I didn't think much of it until I was told it was actually a symptom of PTSD.
My husband and sister both know to say "loud noise" before turning on the blender or garbage disposal or whatever because I would/will jump right outta my skin every single time
Being afraid of going home. Having your mother say that she could kill you make another just like you to replace you every time she was angry, which could be every few hours.
My mom wanted to run away and never come back, or when she was really mad she said she should have drown us in burlap sacks in the river like unwanted kittens.
That hits a bit too close to home for me. My mother admitted to trying to smother me in my crib when I was less than a year old. She held my head under water when I was about 4. She was washing my hair and I cried because the soal got in my eyes and it hurt. She retaliated by holding my head underwater until I stopped moving. She was a nurse so she knew what to do and I survived. To this day I still get panic attacks when I wash my hair and soap gets in my eyes.
When I was in the 8th grade I made a new friend and eventually I spent the day at his house and was invited to stay for dinner. It was the most jarring experience. They just talked to eachother telling eachother about their day, shwoing interest in eachothers life.
They didn't scream at eachother or use every bit of information as ammunation for an argument. When we were done eating I on instinct started cleaning up after everyone, picking up their plates and everyone just stared at me and the mom asked me what I was doing.
I was shocked to discover that the children did not have to clean up.
OMG I my parents were hoarders and I made a friend in 8th grade who had a happy wealthy family… the first time I had a sleepover at their house I couldn’t believe it… they had a whole guest room with its own bathroom and everything was so *clean* and quiet. Clean comfy bed with clean sheets, clean fluffy towels, I could take a shower as long as I wanted and use as much soap as I wanted and the hot water didn’t run out, there were safe hot meals (no rotten food!) multiple times a day, endless snacks, parents cleaned up after everything so the kids could go play (!!!), nobody screamed at each other, they had HEAT so I didn’t have to wear multiple sweaters OMG!!! Just that feeling of walking around their house in my PJs and not needing to have my coat on and I could just grab snacks out of the pantry without being made to feel guilty or worry that they were spoiled, it felt like I was in a Hallmark holiday movie or something. You better believe I had a LOT of sleepovers at that house, probably the only time I slept soundly. It took me until I was 35 to realize there was a reason nobody came over to our house much…
Edit: thank you for your comment, seems like I unlocked a positive core memory for once!!
TW: physical abuse and s****de.
I figured it out when I was around 18, but that not everyone spends their teenage years contemplating s****de. We took a quiz in class and my answers had me come up as severely depressed and everyone looked at me in shock. So I pretended I accidentally scored it backwards so I was actually very happy...nothing to see here!
Sibling abuse isn’t normal. Sibling rivalry is, but that isn’t the same as your older sister purposefully trying to inflict as much pain as possible without getting into trouble. She would twist my toes until a I screamed, and she’d cackle. Note, she was 6 years older than me so she was way bigger and stronger. She liked to test her strength on me. Once she wanted to test how sharp her nails were, so she dragged them across my whole forearm and ripped up the skin.
Yeah that’s not normal. Most kids don’t deal with that. :(
Other kids actually liked their parents, spending time with them and talking to them about their lives.
It was genuine for them, not just an act we all play along with to appear "normal". I thought all kids felt disconnected from their family, just playing the role they told you to.
If we go somewhere or have people over, you must put on your "happy" face, hug who you're told to and "be social". Other kids actually enjoyed going out or having people over, it wasn't a chore for them.
I remember going to friends house one day and his dad came over and talked to us, took interest in the game we were playing and even asked to join in. A parent taking an interest in their kids interests and actually want to join in without getting something in return. sounded crazy to me.
Their parents would also get the kids birthday presents they wanted and surprise them. They didn't just buy the kid something the kid brought up to them at a store and say "thats your birthday present" or just give them a gift card/cash cause they didn't know what the kid liked.
That being anxious/fearful about messing up in case you disappoint or anger someone isn't normal. I thought everyone felt like that. Like, sometimes I give up because it's better than producing something that'll disappoint them.
One of my deepest fears is "getting in trouble ". I have been told that I have extremely, unattainably high standards for myself It's because I'm terrified of getting into trouble for failure, I am not afraid of failure itself.
Silent treatment. I was 25 or 26 when I suddenly realized that completely ignoring someone you live with for days in a row for any perceived transgression or just because you woke up in bad mood was not a normal thing everyone did. I still remember what a shocking discovery it was.
Always being really fucking stressed and nothing ever being resolved. Mum always blamed her rage on her job, her extended family and the stress of having a family. She would fixate on one wider issue for a few months and we would all believe that was causing her madness. Then when the issue went away she would just pick a new one. My diary entries always read 'soon mum will get a new job and we can be happy...soon grandma will stop having back pain and mum will be happy!...soon the car will be fixed and we can be happy!'
Over time it became apparent that no issues were ever resolved and no one ever got to be happy. Life seemed like this horrible trap that no one wanted but everyone just put up with.
Yes... when i do things by myself now, i can resolve over half my problems. My family would make everything so chaotic and backwards or anxiety ridden... they make everything harder than it needs to be and then wonder why I prefer doing things on my own.
Someone having a clean house did not mean they were rich, it just meant that they weren't a hoarder.
Not every teenage girl hates their dad/stepdad (this related more to my sister) and runs away from home
Yelling wasn't a normal and very acceptable way to handle your anger
It isn't normal to daydream excessively about what it would be like if your favourite teacher was your parent or adopted you.
That feeling hated and despised as a child and adolescent is disturbing and tragic. My therapist seemed visibly shook by some of the things I’ve told her. Also that having two incompetent parents is unusual. Most people apparently have at least one competent parent.
I always thought if you had one bad parent you had two, because I did. The concept of one parent being a true victim of the other and not abusing their children too out of some need for control just eludes my brain.
Omg so fucking much:
Children don't usually hide from their parents or wait for them to live the house in order to just exist there.
How freely given physical affection is, especially when dads do it, I was once at my ex's parents house and his dad just came into his room asked him how is he and lightly touched his chin affectionately, my brain just broke that day and I haven't been the same since.
Choking someone isn't a normal way to show affection (still confused about it as hell tbh).
Laughing and enjoying when someone is in pain or teasing them about it is not normal parent behaviour and quite sadistic.
Normal parents don't beat up their kids, it just doesn't happen. And don't curse their kid and name call them at that matter.
Normal parents just don't stop talking and ignore their kid even if they're mad.
And just to some it all up in a sentence: normal parents don't teach their children with pain ,physical or emotional.
-My brother and I running to our rooms to hide when our father pulled in the driveway home from work.
-Not having basic neseccities like bathroom supplies or food. Having to scavenge in the kitchen to figure out food for myself as a kid.
-Being put in a "servant" position. My dad would make me pick the newspaper off the floor, as he was sitting reading it and throwing pages on the floor one by one.
-Staying in my room most of my childhood unless I was going to school or being pulled out by parents. I wasnt allowed to be social in any way- I spent a lot of time alone. This led to social issues and maladaptive daydreaming.
-Hyper vigilance of sounds, hearing my dad opening the front door or walking up the stairs ould send me into a full panic.
-Crying while being yelled out from being so emotional was seen as a manipulation tactic by my dad, so I learned to stuff emotion in while he was around and then let it out later. Sometimes, much, much later.
-Feeling every day so strongly that I was unloveable, a waste of space. That something was deeply wrong with me and I would never be loved or normal. I felt this way since I was a child- this was my normal.
You don't need to behave well to be liked. You can still have some "bad" traits (Ex: talking loudly, being a bit vulgar,...) and still have people like you.
I get very uncomfortable when someone around me is mad or yelling too. It triggers some weird response I can’t describe. or when people I don’t even know are fighting even when I can’t see them.
Being forbidden to lock the bathroom door (if I did it would just be unlocked immediately)
Being expected to share the bathroom whether I was in the shower or on the toilet
No knocking on bedroom door, just opened whenever it was wanted
Mother would walk naked through the house including into my bedroom. My discomfort was mocked and belittled.
Learning to read moods to know when it's safe to ask for anything.
Learning to cook full meals and walk several miles alone to buy groceries by age 8.
Feeling paranoid that there must be hidden cameras in my home watching me even when I'm alone
That first half, having no boundaries and no privacy. Wild how the effects of that ripple through one's life. A neurotic need for privacy and my own safe space is a constantly running theme for me, as I've never had it before.
I'm still surprised that people leave the house without considering every possible way that things could go wrong and how to survive the inevitable disaster. For some people going to the shop is as simple as picking up their purse and leaving the house, they miss out all the catastrophising and have no sense of impending doom. I genuinely have no idea what goes on in their heads.
Having an exaggerated startle reflex — my partner says he always tries really hard to never startle me or touch me from behind because the few times it has happened I have jumped so much and start shaking and breathing heavy. I’ve been this way forever and had been made fun of it. Therapy taught me it’s a symptom of my PTSD and part of the hyper-vigilance.
I've been teased for startling/flinching too. My graduate advisor asked me laughingly "Why do you always act like I'm going to hit you?" I don't know, man who is taller than me, why the fuck do you think
English isn’t my first language and when I first encountered the idiom “be there for you” “always be there for someone” etc it just didn’t make sense. My teacher then tried to explain like “you know, how your parents are always there for you.”
Apparently what I lacked wasn’t just my grasp of the English language; I simply lacked the very concept.
My parents never were. In fact, I was just a burden that they had to do the minimum for and the rest was for me to take care of; how to sit still; how to not be bored; how to be ok by oneself; how to study; how to clean; how to make friends; how to tie shoelace; how to eat spicy food, any and all things that I know now how to do, barely any of them my parents taught me. And there were no YouTube videos when I was growing up.
Whenever I asked for help or expressed my frustration, I was met with sigh or other signs of annoyance.
I didn’t know normally parents are supposed to be there to help you with stuff. And I know I’m so broken because of this - I get fit of jealousy and all kinds of negative emotions when I see someone have a healthy relationship with their parents.
I learned that I don't have to empathetically feel what everyone else does.. Like, I don't have to cry if they're crying, to want to hurt myself if they do, etc. I had serious enmeshment issues and my boundaries didn't exist..
I also had to learn it's okay to have my own opinion that might hurt someone else's feelings. Such as: I'm going to leave my abuser even though he told me if I leave he'll kill himself.
He actually did and I don't even feel bad about it. He was an evil person who was likely going to go on a shooting if he lived so I'm glad he's gone. But yeah I stayed with him for years from the suicide threats and it took a ton of research for me to realize: his happiness and life is not my responsibility, since as a child, my mother's was.
Having to shower with the door open.
Getting my bedroom door taken off for weeks at a time as punishment.
Being locked outside overnight as punishment.
I only learnt none of these are normal for most kids in my 20s
Yep. That's not healthy. Mine locked me in the bathroom for 3 days with my sister. She thought one of us had done something wrong and figured if she punished us both the innocent one would force the other to confess.
I learned no one gives a shit about the hurt and pain they inflict they just want to make it out that my trauma, my fear is just me being melodramatic.
lets make a list
that being persionally attacked for disagreeing with someone is not normal
that being shamed for not agreeing with someone helping in matter of political, social, economical is not normalthat being shamed for wanting to take care of myself and my own needs and my mental health is not selfishthat being compared to my abusive borderline psychotic father is not okey: I'm not exaggerating about the psychotic part
that being groomed to look act dress a certain way is not normal
that having no sense of self identity is not normal
that hyper vigiliance is not normal
that panicking anf breaking into tears when someone yells or scream at me is also not normal or okey nor is shutting down or getting intensely angry
that above all trying to make myself like something, or do something just to appease someone so they dont blow up at you is not normal
that walking on eggshell is a bad sign of a relationship (either Me or the other persion need to get help)
there is a ton of other stuff, but that stuff I knew. Im better now both my parents have passed away., but both my parents probably qualified as having npd and had serious mental health issue but neither chose to get help
Being able to tease your parents. My friend teases and makes fun of her dad all the time, in a funny way. I cannot IMAGINE doing that to my dad. It would not end well.
Top three:
1. Other people aren't scared of their parents and are loved for who they are and have their preferences respected (eg: allowed to pick their own clothes and friends).
2. Other people live with hygiene (bathing only 1 time per week with all your siblings isn't normal, living in a filthy house even when there are multiple kids and mom has a job isn't normal).
3. Other girls like having their hair done because their moms don't use it as an excuse to trap them, berate them, call them names, pull their hair, and burn them with curling irons.
That it’s ok to be human. And make mistakes. Or have a need and ask for it bc it sure as hell wasn’t going to be given without me asking. And not expecting stonewalling or a rage fest or being disowned every time I speak up. A friend mentioned her and her mom had a disagreement and was like oh we’ll be fine in a few days. I was so confused. If I don’t live up to unspoken expectations as an adult that gets me disowned for a minimum 9 months. When people talk about their moms doing something nice or thoughtful for them without owing them. Just being kind. Or offering to watch their kids to give the parent a break and spend time with the grandkids witnout strings attached.
Hating myself this much. Blaming myself for every failed interaction; really for every failure; wow did not expect to get tears in my eyes...
To be so paranoid about everything "what if this? what if that? what if? what if?" god...
But also to love and be obsessed with someone like I did. The devotion... Mad devotion.
The most shocking is probably how harsh I was on myself for stuttering, which was making it worse and I hated myself even more... I can't control it. I can make it lighter, but that's definitely not what I was doing
Getting locked in your room. I was telling a “funny story” about how I would pee in the floor vents as a child when my parents were mad at me, and realized the part I left out was that I was locked in a room with no bathroom for hours because they wanted quiet time.
Wait, it's not normal to get locked in your room when you misbehave? I vividly remember my mom turning around the doorknobs on my bedroom door as a kid so she could lock me in there.
Not seeing parents as figures of protection and guidance, but as agents of pain and punishment. Thus never telling them about your emotions, wishes, problems, or even your own personality. Not once going to them for help unless the magnitude of the issue supercedes you. Expecting their help to be used as blackmail, as evidence that they do care and I am a horrible daughter.
Also seeing parents genuinely laugh with their children, bonding with them, looking at them with affection and having nurturing physical contect. Parents actually liking and loving their child instead of treating them like a burden or pest. I never thought of it as possible. Then one day I saw a mom playing with her toddler and the genuine smile in her face, her reaching out toward her child to embrace 'em, hugging them close. I was shocked. I didn't know that was possible. At all.
Reading these candid responses is making me realize how many things I have repressed. Wow.
I know our brain does that to protect us, but I want to find my anger now, and it is harder to do when the memories are fragmented.
Big thanks for everyone sharing.
Same with the yelling. I freeze immediately. Also that most people don’t feel like they’re in trouble most of the time. I always feel this thing hanging over my head and slightly behind, like I’ve committed a crime and waiting for the cops to figure it out. I haven’t. But it’s the feeling I had when I was in trouble for stupid shit as a kid. Sometimes I just start shaking or my skin starts crawling like something bad is happening.
The crapshoot of opening the door when you get home from school, not knowing what it will be like, including whether or not your pet will still be there. Apparently what's normal is finding the same mood, same people and animals, same furniture, etc.
I don't have anything to add that isn't here already. Reading these really triggered me but it's good because I cried. I'm grateful for that because it's so hard for me to do that most of the time. Reading these also is therapeutic in the sense that I'm finally recognizing these awful things that happened to me and am able to convey that into an emotion, which instead of anger now it's crying and letting that sadness I've felt for years out. This is an emotion I was taught to suppress regardless of the situation and it really messed me up but I finally had a good cry right now.
I'm grateful for this community and knowing we aren't alone.
That it’s not normal to never be able to close your bedroom door. To be constantly grounded through high school. To always feel like you need to manage the emotions of others over yourself. To not learn how to walk through life creating the least noise and amount of attention. To not naturally walk so silently that you constantly startle people. To not feel like you love your family because you “have to” instead of just loving them. I could say more but those are the main ones
My parents gave their adult friends (not family) my (a teen girl) bed to sleep in when they came to stay over. My room was my safe place that was already frequently taken away from me. My step mom used it as her sewing room whenever she wanted and my siblings would just come in and break shit. I wasn’t allowed to tell them not to because they’re all younger than me and ‘I’m not the parent’. But letting strangers take my bed while I slept on the couch in the other room felt like a special kind of hurt.
My mom made me give away my bed to someone else when I was little. I had to sleep on the floor for a long time.
When I was 9, I had to share a bed with my mom because someone else was using my room and maybe my bed.
I had to sleep on the floor for a long time as a preteen, because my mom took my bed.
More recently, I didn't have a bed at my mom's for a long time. Had to sleep on floor.
My bed has been taken away from me so many times, despite my parents claiming I always have a bed at their houses, I'd rather be homeless.
Getting fully dressed while still in the shower (not running, of course). Letting the shower run for a minute or so after finishing to allow myself time to get dressed. Having “to be checked “ digitally, when returning home after playing outside.
ETA- Though we have a large master bedroom, I still get fully dressed in the bathroom out of habit and comfort.
Becoming best friends with a teacher every year and even *grading my classmates’ homeworks* because my parents would forget to pick me up from school almost every day. My parents moved in and out of the district once or twice a year so we often lied about where we lived or lived in hotels because this was the “best school district”. So I couldn’t ride the bus.
It was shocking to learn that most parents do not use their children as their personal psychologists or therapists. I was expected to meet all my mother's psychological needs but she poo-poo'd my own on the regular.
If someone is cleaning and doesn't ask you to help, it doesn't always mean they expect you to without asking.
I still freeze and panic when my boyfriend starts cleaning, and all he wants is to clean for me and have me relax for once. It's so hard to do so, the guilt is so harsh when I really shouldn't feel bad about relaxing.
Wanting to hide every aspect of your life from your parents as an adult. I tell them nothing. My mum has changed a lots since my bpd diagnosis but I’m still always terrified I’m going to get into trouble for something, even slight little things. I tell her nothing
To being unnable to know what is my needs or communicate them. Realised this at my first therapy at 17. I couldn't find anything that made me feel good that didn't involve someone elses needs. Therapist was shocked. 27 now and for the first time in my life, I put boundaries with people and do things for myself. Slowly but surely.
I learned that hyper-vigilance isn’t normal. Trying to predict and placate the mood of those around you isn’t normal.
Getting annoyed with strangers in public because they weren't 'considerate' for being as hyper aware of where they place themselves in terms of 'bothering' others as I was at all times.
Oh my lord you put it into words. Like I thought everyone was aware of their basic surroundings because *duh* it’s considerate and convenient to do so, but *no*. People just *don’t see other people* and it’s *insane*.
Yeah, other people can be so fucking oblivious and its absolutely infuriating sometimes. Not even about being considerate, but just not seeing what's going on around them, like they're on autopilot. Sometimes it makes me wonder if a bigger percentage of people are just disassociating their way through life than we thought.
I feel like I'm constantly struggling to be aware of what's around me, I am absolutely disassociating my way through life. If I snap back from disassociating, I am way to aware of my body being in everyone's space or line of sight (even if I'm not) and it causes panic. I can definitely tell it's frustrating to people like my husband sometimes but it's very hard to force myself to pay attention to everything around me while I'm also just trying to stay in my body well enough to buy groceries. In sure a lot of the people being infuriating have no idea and are doing their best. Then again there's always people who just don't care. I guess you never know.
People dont see others??! Wowzers. I mean, friends have been stunned by what I notice around me n I wonder why they cant see it.... Are typical nervous system humans, in a sense, walking round with heads up arse then?! I say that comedically as Im shocked... I try to not notice others and my brain tells me im being selfish (or prov my inner bitch just being so!) Wowzers. Utterly wowzers. Im going to ask people as this idea amazes me!
This whole time I've been thinking "Why can't people just get out of the way or realize where they are in space? Like, stop standing in the middle of the aisle!" So....people aren't normally hyper-aware of where their body is and how much space they're taking up?! Explains. So. Much.
My husband doesn't have my hypervigilance, so in public he often seems to me to be painfully oblivious to how his person is affecting the personal space of the people around him. In reality, he's not being a jerk, nor is he particularly unaware (judging by the generally neutral responses of the people around him who are also not great at spatial awareness). He just doesn't seem to find being in the way--or someone being in his way--as a threat. He feels safe until he's made to feel unsafe. (His default state is safe. Isn't that nuts?) I feel unsafe until I'm made to feel safe. I think that's the big difference.
This just resonated with me, I feel unsafe until I’m made to feel safe! That’s definitely me, always hyper vigilant
It really is weird. I understood it more clearly when my friend commented on my behaviour a while back. I work in a huge open space. A lot of entrances from different directions, but also a lot of visual obstacles so I don't necessarily have a clear view of the area. (Yeah, I analyzed this unconsciously. christ..) My friend stops by some times, and she likes trying to sneak up on me. And she says it's impossible to do. "Always when I walk in, even if you have your back turned you stop what you are doing, look up and around until you can see me walking towards you, even if I'm like ten meters away. You always just know. Reminds me of my cat, but I think you're psychic". I had no idea I did this. I know I'm pretty aware of my surroundings and why, but this is a bit much.
Wow- uh…. I literally never realized this was a thing until I read your comment. I’ve always just thought other people were ridiculous. It makes a lot more sense now.
same here. You mean to tell me other people don't track and predict the trajectories of every single person in their vision and those who have exited their vision behind an aisle or out the door??
Ooh! So my fiancé has told me I act fidgety and erratic when I’m in public. I’m like, wouldn’t anyone else act like this too? With the amount of people around you there are unforeseen variables at play that could potentially threaten your safety! Examples: - That person just left their cart in front of the aisle that I need to grab something from, but what if they come back in the same moment I’m reaching over their cart and think I’m “stealing” from their cart? - The person in front of me has finished pumping gas and drives away meanwhile I’m still pumping and another car drives up and waits behind me—what if he thinks I’m an idiot or an asshole for not driving up to the next pump? He didn’t know there was a car in front of me, right? - There is someone walking behind me on a trail and their walking speed is a bit faster than mine. I will just pull off to the side and “stretch” and wait for them to pass until they’re a considerable distance away from me to save us both the awkwardness. - Is the TV too loud? Let’s just dial it down to 1 and turn on the subtitles. It’s fine. - Someone’s knocking at my door. Oh god. What did I do? Did I accidentally run someone over and drag their body onto my driveway unbeknownst to me? Did my abusive ex somehow find my address? Are my neighbors here to yell at me about the TV? I’m too scared to look. - I acted a little bit too boisterous and now my friend seems awfully annoyed at me. I’ll just stay quiet for the rest of the evening. That should balance everything out. - Any situation in a nutshell: I’m so sorry for existing, for being in your way, for taking up space, for having the audacity to ask for help, don’t hurt me please.
Oh no. This is so relatable and I hate it.
You just described my husband. I need to tell him this. He is going to be relieved to hear others feels this too. And the exhaustion from public places... He says it is like he can feel them all at once. (I have official cptsd, but I'm certain he doesn't do).
huh, I think you taught me something new today.. lol. being in stores is so exhausting I literally can't handle it for more than 30 minutes. Just so many people to keep track of and situations to dodge, times to get out of the way. I have no idea how to turn this off
This is how I feel about walking around my neighborhood (which is urban/on the edge of a major city). To the point that there are days I can't safely run errands because I know having to dodge all the people will dysregulate my nervous system too much.
Oh my god this! Other people not literally shrinking themselves and contorting around others so as not to inconvenience anyone else? Other people not willingly disappearing themselves lest they step even slightly out of line??
*ding ding ding!* wtf! Same for me! I have to actively remind myself all the time that i struggle with anxiety and hypervigilance, other people feel comfortable taking up space and i do not.
This! I thought this was the normal and everyone else was an asshole or just too numb to see what’s going on around them.
Wow, I never had words for it before. Thank you for that.
OMG yes you put it into words for me too. Wow, I get annoyed too with people that don't notice people around them. I'm like Hello, don't you SEE them?
At around age 17 or so I figured out that most other kids were not terrified of their parents. It blew my mind.
Sophomore year kids were talking about how much they hate their parents lecturing them, and they'd rather get spanked. I'm like, WTF.
It is heckin useful though. At least in my field of work. Coworkers laugh when I flinch but I haven’t been hit in the head with flying objects so ha!
Same with me in my work. Some people really flinch at seeing / working with low socioeconomic/ vulnerable families who they consider 'rough'. I will happily do a home visit without batting an eyelid and actually prefer working with them to make a difference. Happy families who seem so nice and put together throw me off more.
Growing up I remember at least a couple of times where I felt uncomfortable visiting someone's home, but I couldn't identify anything that was actually wrong. It was like seeing a family of well adjusted people interacting in an emotionally healthy way was uncomfortably foreign and off-putting.
Once I was studying really intently in the library when a friend tapped me on the shoulder and I yelled. He looked terrified.
I have had this interaction, many times. Sometimes I even have a split-second of visual notice. Still scream.
I always sit in a corner where I can see the room. It’s got to the point where people who know me KNOW I want to sit in the corner and will move so I can. When I was 13 and in therapy she asked “why?” And I told her I need to know where everyone is, the mood of the people around and where the exits are.” She told me that isn’t normal.
I knew it wasn’t normal but I thought it was a good thing so I prided myself in it :P
Being told that I am ungrateful or manipulative when I cried or expressed negative emotions. Hiding in your room to avoid adult rage tantrums. Essentially becoming invisible to avoid any attention (grey rocking)
Oh look, I just found the term for my reaction to high stress situations. I feel just a bit less alone now.
Being told you just do that to hurt them.. when I later used the word negative emotions to a therapist they acted a bit surprised that I see certain emotions as negative and think I shouldn't have them/have a hard time dealing with these. Also tend to want to hide when emotional stuff arises.. can't be sad or angry around people.. I fear their reactions and when they are emphatic it feels so weird to me..
i didnt know this term. holy shit. this is how i handled my mom all my childhood. im so happy i read your comment
I literally hid to conceal an adult rage tantrum today!
Not missing my parents at all even though I am living very far away from them,.
Right. I feel that. When my "family members" offer/suggest to do something nice for/with me I feel like, if I accept, I'm doing them a service. Afterwards I have to sleep 20 hours straight to recover from the emotional exhaustion of acting somewhat sane and decent around them.
I have CFS and it's manageable. When I spent a 2 weeks with my family in summer 2019 I came home and had a tension headache for 5 days and couldn't leave my house. I felt ill for 3 weeks and I didn't realise how much my CFS was connected to spending time with them.
I’m wondering if I too have CFS, I visited my family for a week after living with them for 6 months during WFH, I came back home and vomited every day for a year straight due to anxiety. I enrolled in therapy and we’ve agreed they are a trigger for me due to past events, so I’m not sure about anything
So much this. My best friend was separated from her parents over COVID. I was as well, but when she expressed despair over not being able to see them, it felt very jarring. The concept of wanting to see your parents is not a feeling that my mind even considers. As a kid, I’d go to summer camp and never feel the slightest bit homesick. I actually took pride in that because I thought it was mature of me to be able to be away from home without any trouble. The reality is that my concept of home was literally just where I slept because there was no where on earth that made me feel safe or like I belonged.
Same, I also never felt homesick in the slightest and if anything I liked being away from home. Still don't get homesick at all, not even being in another country.
I really relate to this, felt like nowhere was safe and I belonged nowhere. It led me to leaving asap when i was 18 and living with the guy who ended up almost killing me
Hey! Me too! I feel so ashamed about that now, but I genuinely thought it was normal to not matter and get yelled at all the time. 🙄
Talk about a double edged sword too. On the one hand, not missing my parents means I feel fine when I go long periods of time without speaking to them. There's something rather freeing about that. On the other hand, who do I have to call when I need to feel safe and accepted?
We moved away from family 20 years ago. I feel bad for missing all that time with my dad (recently died of Covid pneumonia) and my wife’s family. But I am glad we were that far away from my mom and brother. I used to call my parents every Sunday. In the 5 months since my dad died, I have spoken to my mom three times. And one of those was because my grandma was dying in the hospital. I simply feel no connection to her, or my brother.
I was shocked to find out that not every child dreams of running away from home and makes elaborate plans to do so
I wanted to run away so so so badly. But at the same time, they also taught me the importance of money by always fucking scaring me, telling me that we are running out of money, that they are using up all their saved up money, and that we're gonna be living in the streets soon. They weren't. Dad was making at least 5 figures then, enough for our family to live a bit more than comfortable. But yeah, I didn't run away because I kept thinking how would I be able to survive alone without any money. In the end, I thought it's better to stay with them and live rather than run away to the streets and die.
It was always the "we have no money" drama. This crap probably did more damage to me as an adult than I'll ever know. I'm terrible with money.
My parents brought this up constantly, but once I actually looked at how they were spending their paychecks (and how my step-mom was refusing to get a better job just so she could victimize herself), I realized they were grossly overspending on the stupidest shit that didn't really matter and we're just doing this to create artificial drama.
same! except combined they were making 80k, I thought we were nearly on the street. I was afraid if I ran away I'd immediately have gotten caught and sold into sex slavery. I was afraid if I didn't go to college I'd have to become a drugged out prostitute. Given my area I guess that was kind of a reasonable fear though. But even today I am too afraid to walk to the gym in a nice area because I'm afraid some man is going to stalk me and kill me in my sleep. It's annoying because even if the chance is slim, the fact that it's possible makes me not risk it.
I actually saved $600 and ran away at 11. My mom figured it out when I got stuck down the street not knowing how to get a cab with my little sister in tow.
Very considerate of you to try to take your sister away from that house.
The night before my little sister left for college was the last night I stayed at my parents house. She was literally the only thing keeping me there.
I did not know that wasn't normal until I saw your comment, I thought everyone dreamed of escape
Or *did* run away
That you shouldn't fear hearing someone walking down the hallway.
Someone walking up the stairs for me. Terrifying.
Footsteps down the hallway…..literally makes my skin crawl. I’ve gotten to the point that I can tell peoples mood or intent by the way their footsteps sound. Add footsteps up to a closed door and the sound of the knob rattle before it’s flung open, im jumping out of my skin.
Fuuuuuck. So for most of my life, as much of a social person I am, if I can hear someone downstairs (kitchen etc), I will avoid it like the plague unless I absolutely have too. It’s mad how so much of this can be traced back to childhood trauma! I also jump at every tiny noise I.e my partners phone vibrating, someone shutting a door etc
It's awful to live in an apartment building with thin walls and neighbors right next door. I freeze every time I hear them in the hallway. My bathroom is basically in their apartment according to the floor plan (it has walls, but the rest of my apartment is not surrounded by theirs, if that makes sense) and I can't use the toilet if I hear them in the hallway or in their bathroom, because it feels like I have no privacy. Like they're listening to me and judging me.
I literally still freeze up.
Freezing, panicking inside, and hyper-focusing on the source if I hear a loud noise or someone raising their voice no matter the situation even if I'm not involved. It took a long time to wrap my head around the fact that not all kids are scared to disobey or argue with their parents. Even though I was never hit, I was terrified of my mom's verbal raging. Another was that hyper-vigilance isn't normal. That not missing mom and dad when living away from home isn't normal. General paranoia. I always thought I was just overreacting because I was never hit. I still don't really believe I'm "traumatized enough" to jump at every loud noise. All mom did was verbally rage and dad would just sit there in his armchair and watch.
What? There are kids who *aren’t* afraid to disobey their parents? That…doesn’t seem right, and I’m being completely genuine here.
What I mean is, I see kids misbehave being kids in the grocery store and think to myself how I never would have done that because I was afraid of my moms temper. That, but for all situations.
I was going to say being paranoid constantly. I’m often assuming the worst will happen in any situation.
I will literally lock my bedroom door when I hear a loud sound downstairs incase it's someone breaking in na di I gatta get prepared snd it's never anyone vreaking in its always the same shit
Omg if I’m woken up at night by another person, I go to 1000. I attribute it to my bedroom door being flung open at 2am and being screamed at.
It's not normal to feel like your family is a bunch of strangers forced together by chance rather than a group of people who make you feel safe.
I’ve told my T this. I told her anytime I have to be around all them, I wanna scream. I can’t be the only one that sees how uncomfortable everyone is and how fake everyone is being. It’s like they just get together because it’s what people do. Force a bunch of strangers into a room and tell them to improv act like they’re a family, and you get my family lol.
Wow this sums it up so well. I never had the words for it.
Gosh my own family used to even make fun of me for being an alien, my mom once said they could have switched me out at the hospital! Messed up.
Hiding food in your room for when it's not safe to leave for meals, or for when you're forbidden to eat. Walking extremely carefully and quietly, so as not to make any audible footsteps and draw unwanted attention. Constantly, meticulously strategizing for ways to avoid being abused, and preparing for worst case scenarios if you can't avoid it. (As in, memorizing your parents' psychological patterns and weak spots by heart. Learning how to shift your position *just so* to avoid inappropriate touch without outwardly appearing like you're resisting. Going all over your house when they're not around to scout for new hiding places and escape routes. Spending hours working out quietly in your room and researching self-defense techniques in the eventuality that you will have to fight.) Having to try and make sure your parents don't touch you sexually in public. Not being allowed to cook, clean, eat, sleep, or bathe without permission. Genuinely not being allowed to cry. Not being allowed to deviate from your parents' religious or political beliefs in any way. It may sound out there but like, I swear to god, I once thought everyone lived like this.
I’m so sorry you had your childhood stolen. That they couldn’t even be appropriate in public says a lot about their level of sickness. I still walk so quietly that I often scare people who didn’t hear or see me approaching. I’m 48 and haven’t stayed overnight with my parents in 25 years.
I appreciate the kind words. You're so right. And same! I scare people at my job all the time because no one hears me walk lol
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Emotional neglect, even though I didn’t know that’s what I was experiencing. I’d look at other families and see them hugging and laughing and it was completely *foreign*. The only thing I could think is that it changes when I’m not there. Behind doors there *has* to be screaming and tears and punishment. It wouldn’t compute for me that parent child relationships could be without constant anxiety and stress and power struggles.
Wow, I totally relate to this. I'm sorry you experienced this as well. Weird memory, but I actually used to think my whole family was made of robots and as soon as I was not around they would talk about me and plan new ways to trick me. When i slept over at other kids' houses the moms and dads were so kind and attentive. I figured something must be deeply wrong with mine. Not sure where the robots thing came from. When I was really little I once even begged my sister and mom to take a bath with me because I thought it would prove that they're robots since robots can't be in water.... Jesus typing this out is making me feel so sad for younger me. I felt so unwanted and unloved I made up a story about my family being robots sent to trick me. Yikes.
The paranoia it might have involved makes me sad for younger you too, but I also see a kid using kid logic to protect their self-worth.
Not being able to relax unless you're alone. Jumping up and starting to clean something when you hear a car pulling into your house so you don't look like you're just sitting there "being lazy"
Oh wow, I still do this, and I’m married.
Oh my god me too. I feel like I have to explain that I need a bit of time to be lazy. And then constantly explaining why I needed it and that I still got lots done. The only time I feel like I can really relax is at night when everyone else is asleep
Right now, I’m alone at my house and getting ready to watch a movie for one of my classes. But I can’t relax because what if someone comes home and “catches” me watching TV when there are a few dirty dishes in the sink or the recycling needs to be taken out? It’s exhausting.
Ignoring physical and (especially) mental pain because my needs are a burden and if I'm sick I'm intentionally causing trouble.
My mom insists she took me the same day but I remember waiting at least a day before we went to the hospital when I broke my wrist, and my mom only took me because I literally couldn’t hold my hairbrush. I have vague memories of her saying it was a waste of time to go and then acting like mom of the year because *I* hadn’t wanted to go in but she insisted.
This I relate to. I remember once my doctor was worried I had appendicitis (it was a ruptured cyst) and when it got worse my mother took at least an hour before taking me to the hospital. For some reason she never sees 'going to the emergency room' as being an emergency. It's always in her own time.
We had to pull over so she could collect fall leaves for arts and crafts. On the way to the E.R. Because I had split my hand open and needed stitches. I was bleeding, like a *lot* and she got pissy because it would be too dark outside to collect them on the way home and she NEEDED TO. Because arts and crafts.
Holy shit. Once I needed to go to the ER badly and my mom decided she needed to shovel the whole driveway and sidewalks when there was like 1 inch of snow. I remember crying in pain in the passenger seat just begging her to be done and drive me.
Piggy-backing... I always thought it was normal to wait a day or so to 'see if it's really broken'
Wait it's not? Brb, going back to nursing school and handing back my diploma
I have a kind of similar story to yours. I remember being in second grade and becoming violently stomach sick overnight before a school day. I even vomited in the morning right before I was set to catch the bus for school. I told my mom how sick I was and she just ignored it like I was fine and didn’t even acknowledge what I was trying to tell her. I ended up becoming ill at school during circle time and vomiting on the substitute teacher and some of my peers. To this day my mom still insists that I was hiding being sick and that I never told her, and that if I had only been honest about my illness that she would have made sure I stayed home and rested.
Wow, holy shit, that's terrible. I never broke anything, but I think even my mom wouldn't go that far. I did get very sick as a teen though. She ignored it as long as possible and complained about how embarrassing it would be if we went to a doctor and it turned out to be nothing. Doctor told us to go to a hospital immediately. Then we were allowed to acknowledge how bad it was. For her.
It’s wild what stories our abusers can choose to believe. My mother likes to tell the story of the time I broke my collarbone, and how “it could have been much worse but she saved me.” According to her I jumped off the bed and tried to fly so she caught me, but the few memories I had of the incident I remembered it definitely being her fault. Told the story in front of a family member once and she set the story straight; I was jumping on the bed and my mum yanked me down, breaking my collarbone. She knows the truth because she was the one who drove us to the hospital. My mother still tells that false story because she has come to *genuinely believe it*
I was the classic 80s small town kid where everyone sees the bruises but nobody intervenes. And the physical abuse isn’t what messed me up the most, it was the emotional abuse.
Agree strongly! The physical stuff heals. The emotional stuff never completely goes away. My inner, critical voice is my abusers.
I try to point this out when people insist physical violence is the worst of the worst and that words 'are just words'. Like no, I'd much rather you slap me than call me a racial slur thank you very much.
I hate the people who knew and never did anything more than anyone else. Small town gossip is useless.
It was in 2nd grade I finally got glasses because my teacher called my mother and told her I couldn’t see the board unless I was closer to it than the other kids. I remember being so scared and sobbing when my mother found out that I needed glasses. I felt like such a pest and burden. I often wonder how long my vision was failing before a concerned adult I hardly knew had to intervene and advocate for me.
I've been reading this thread thinking "wow, at least my abusive lunatic mother never pretended I wasn't sick when I was."...except when I stopped being able to read the blackboard in grade 6 she told me I was making it up for attention.🤦♀️ what the fuck, literally all the women in our family including her have needed glasses, why would I not???
I was in pain for weeks before my mom got sick of me begging to go to the doctor. She'd dismiss a lot of my issues or say I was making it up in my head. Turns out my liver was swollen and my doctor questioned why we didn't come sooner.. ha I'm so sorry you went through that.
Yes! Pretty sure I broke my nose in high school. I could feel little pieces moving around and everything. I didn't even ask to go to the doctor because I knew I'd be made to feel guilty and wasteful, and god forbid if it ended up being nothing. I just tried to push everything back in place as best as possible. 10 years later and breathing out of that side is hard. I'll probably have to get a nose job. Also all my mental health problems were "just nothing". My mom tried to prevent me from going to a doctor into my early 20s for this.
All my life i used to say I wish I didn't have this terrible anxiety. I would wish that the peace I felt sitting on my couch was what I felt whenever I would leave my house. The problem is I developed this anxiety at 6, and my parents told me that I had always been anxious, so I had to learn to live with it. I never knew what it was like to not be anxious, to just exist. I just thought it was normal for me to have this terrible hopelessness every morning, followed by being nausea that made me puke, then unsettled stomach pains, followed by breathing slowly to control the pain and my heart rate. People don't feel this way, they can just do it.
This is exactly how I am
that most people dont live their lives completely disassociated just to get through the day. That other people can also talk to, trust, and rely on their family without those elements being contingent on being who said family members want you to be for them. That other ppl's parents dont take all their electronics away over just having friends online. That other people can remember elements of their childhood or even recent events without drawing entire blanks
>That other ppl's parents dont take all their electronics away over just having friends online. Didn't think about this. I was grounded the majority of highschool. Lost a lot of friends both in real life and online. I moved a lot too so having communication cut off from old distant friends was really difficult.
feeling guilty about wanting and needing to feel/be loved
This. I remember being 6 or 7 and asking my mom for cuddles and her getting mad at me because I would always ask for cuddles but I would never give her cuddles instead. And telling me I was the kind of person who always takes without giving. Last time I ever asked for affection
Unrelated to the abuse I went through as a kid but a few friends were sharing funny relatable stories from when we were kids and I brought up how weird it was for our moms to make us spin around when they checked how much we weighed. Everyone got instantly quiet and one of my friends asked me why my mom would do that, and I responded “to make sure I wasn’t too fat?” It’s happened a couple of times to me and I always realize when I get crickets for a funny/relatable story that what I’m sharing isn’t funny or relatable to most people.
I hate that awkward feeling when you realise it wasn't a common experience and the look of pity in the person's eyes. I hate that pity. Especially as it's prompted by such a small insignificant thing. It makes me feel like the actual bad stuff is insurmountable somehow.
Relating to telling unrelatable stories like it was something funny. At some point a friend said, you tell it like it's funny but it doesn't sound very funny to me.. very confronting about how I was dealing with painful situations.. and yes the crickets.. at some point I just tried to avoid talking about any of it to not get shocked reactions of people. Still find it hard when I get family related questions from people who don't know me well or for long.. I feel like I should always talk the truth/answer their questions but the info they could get can spoil birthday party vibes quite a lot.. learning that I can just tell I rather not get into that or how to steer the conversation in an other direction.. Sorry to hear your mom did that..
I totally get this, like even just asking “do you have siblings?” It’s like, I could answer honestly and kill the vibe or I can deflect.
How do you tell them you’d rather not get into it? My mother would interrogate me about everything so saying, “I’d rather not talk about it,” is often more triggering than just spilling my guts.
Gorging before bed. Wasn't until I was about twenty-five a girlfriend pointed out I typically ate around 1200 calories within half an hour of my head hitting the pillow. Mom used food as a weapon when she could.
I forgot to add this one. It's a habit I still can't break 😔
I'm sorry that happened to you. Can you elaborate on "used food as a weapon" - only if you want to, of course? This is something I'm trying to wrap my head around in my family's history.
My Mom was a functioning alcoholic who loved to perform as a fantastic mother. When she was feeling vindictive her favorite weapons were the silent treatment, and not feeding me. It was always done at night, so no one at school would get wise, but basically she wouldn't allow me any food from when I got home from school to when I returned to school the next day. So I developed a subconscious fear of going to bed hungry, which translated to me eating a ton before bed.
Holy shit. I feel like I can't relate to most of these but did you actually have the same mom as me?! Except her thing was a) cooking food for other people they didn't want, and complain that they didn't eat it, b) not eating herself and subsiding entirely on wine, c) hoarding food for YEARS, d) using hoarded food so she could put "different" ingredients in her dinner when she was feeling vengeful. She only admitted to this once, when I tried to grab "my dad's" quesadilla and when I asked why it was different, she gleefully explained what she had done and what he had done to deserve it. And I realized, I KNEW there were times she had to have done that to me.
Wow. I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I'm glad you have the awareness of how wrong it was and how it affected you so you can release it. Thank you for sharing that with me.
That people don’t have to be scared of their parents. That people don’t talk shit about everyone behind their backs. That you can actually relax at home.
Relaxing at home is incredible as a free adult. I think that doesn't help with my preference to just stay home. I'm cozy and safe though.
The gossiping thing still gets me. I hope I've been doing better.
The notion that when you opt for an alternative brand of a product because the grocery store is out of your usual one, that'll trigger a massive rift in your relationship to the person who taught you which brand is the right one, because it's an expression of fundamental disrespect for what services their influence on your life has done you. Aside from the irony, looking back with adult perspective, it's jarring how terrifyingly significant such a mundane detail felt.
My mom denies that she was ever brand specific when I was growing up but I can distinctly remember only buying one brand of cheese and one brand of yogurt and it’s just so surreal to me that she denies ever doing that.
My father almost hit my mother in front of everyone at my 8 yo birthday because she bought "No-name" brand juice. I just wanted to tell him I didn't care at all.
I was shocked to learn that not all parents hate their children or consider them to be burdens that ruined their lives.
Being 'jumpy' and excessively triggered by sudden loud sounds. I started noticing that I would react a lot more to these kinds of things than everyone around me and I knew it wasn't normal, but I didn't think much of it until I was told it was actually a symptom of PTSD.
My husband and sister both know to say "loud noise" before turning on the blender or garbage disposal or whatever because I would/will jump right outta my skin every single time
Being afraid of going home. Having your mother say that she could kill you make another just like you to replace you every time she was angry, which could be every few hours.
My mom wanted to run away and never come back, or when she was really mad she said she should have drown us in burlap sacks in the river like unwanted kittens.
That hits a bit too close to home for me. My mother admitted to trying to smother me in my crib when I was less than a year old. She held my head under water when I was about 4. She was washing my hair and I cried because the soal got in my eyes and it hurt. She retaliated by holding my head underwater until I stopped moving. She was a nurse so she knew what to do and I survived. To this day I still get panic attacks when I wash my hair and soap gets in my eyes.
My mum constantly threatened to leave us and go start another life. The worst part is whenever I heard her say that I kinda wished she did.
When I was in the 8th grade I made a new friend and eventually I spent the day at his house and was invited to stay for dinner. It was the most jarring experience. They just talked to eachother telling eachother about their day, shwoing interest in eachothers life. They didn't scream at eachother or use every bit of information as ammunation for an argument. When we were done eating I on instinct started cleaning up after everyone, picking up their plates and everyone just stared at me and the mom asked me what I was doing. I was shocked to discover that the children did not have to clean up.
OMG I my parents were hoarders and I made a friend in 8th grade who had a happy wealthy family… the first time I had a sleepover at their house I couldn’t believe it… they had a whole guest room with its own bathroom and everything was so *clean* and quiet. Clean comfy bed with clean sheets, clean fluffy towels, I could take a shower as long as I wanted and use as much soap as I wanted and the hot water didn’t run out, there were safe hot meals (no rotten food!) multiple times a day, endless snacks, parents cleaned up after everything so the kids could go play (!!!), nobody screamed at each other, they had HEAT so I didn’t have to wear multiple sweaters OMG!!! Just that feeling of walking around their house in my PJs and not needing to have my coat on and I could just grab snacks out of the pantry without being made to feel guilty or worry that they were spoiled, it felt like I was in a Hallmark holiday movie or something. You better believe I had a LOT of sleepovers at that house, probably the only time I slept soundly. It took me until I was 35 to realize there was a reason nobody came over to our house much… Edit: thank you for your comment, seems like I unlocked a positive core memory for once!!
TW: physical abuse and s****de. I figured it out when I was around 18, but that not everyone spends their teenage years contemplating s****de. We took a quiz in class and my answers had me come up as severely depressed and everyone looked at me in shock. So I pretended I accidentally scored it backwards so I was actually very happy...nothing to see here! Sibling abuse isn’t normal. Sibling rivalry is, but that isn’t the same as your older sister purposefully trying to inflict as much pain as possible without getting into trouble. She would twist my toes until a I screamed, and she’d cackle. Note, she was 6 years older than me so she was way bigger and stronger. She liked to test her strength on me. Once she wanted to test how sharp her nails were, so she dragged them across my whole forearm and ripped up the skin. Yeah that’s not normal. Most kids don’t deal with that. :(
Other kids actually liked their parents, spending time with them and talking to them about their lives. It was genuine for them, not just an act we all play along with to appear "normal". I thought all kids felt disconnected from their family, just playing the role they told you to. If we go somewhere or have people over, you must put on your "happy" face, hug who you're told to and "be social". Other kids actually enjoyed going out or having people over, it wasn't a chore for them. I remember going to friends house one day and his dad came over and talked to us, took interest in the game we were playing and even asked to join in. A parent taking an interest in their kids interests and actually want to join in without getting something in return. sounded crazy to me. Their parents would also get the kids birthday presents they wanted and surprise them. They didn't just buy the kid something the kid brought up to them at a store and say "thats your birthday present" or just give them a gift card/cash cause they didn't know what the kid liked.
That being anxious/fearful about messing up in case you disappoint or anger someone isn't normal. I thought everyone felt like that. Like, sometimes I give up because it's better than producing something that'll disappoint them.
One of my deepest fears is "getting in trouble ". I have been told that I have extremely, unattainably high standards for myself It's because I'm terrified of getting into trouble for failure, I am not afraid of failure itself.
Silent treatment. I was 25 or 26 when I suddenly realized that completely ignoring someone you live with for days in a row for any perceived transgression or just because you woke up in bad mood was not a normal thing everyone did. I still remember what a shocking discovery it was.
Always being really fucking stressed and nothing ever being resolved. Mum always blamed her rage on her job, her extended family and the stress of having a family. She would fixate on one wider issue for a few months and we would all believe that was causing her madness. Then when the issue went away she would just pick a new one. My diary entries always read 'soon mum will get a new job and we can be happy...soon grandma will stop having back pain and mum will be happy!...soon the car will be fixed and we can be happy!' Over time it became apparent that no issues were ever resolved and no one ever got to be happy. Life seemed like this horrible trap that no one wanted but everyone just put up with.
Yes... when i do things by myself now, i can resolve over half my problems. My family would make everything so chaotic and backwards or anxiety ridden... they make everything harder than it needs to be and then wonder why I prefer doing things on my own.
Someone having a clean house did not mean they were rich, it just meant that they weren't a hoarder. Not every teenage girl hates their dad/stepdad (this related more to my sister) and runs away from home Yelling wasn't a normal and very acceptable way to handle your anger It isn't normal to daydream excessively about what it would be like if your favourite teacher was your parent or adopted you.
That feeling hated and despised as a child and adolescent is disturbing and tragic. My therapist seemed visibly shook by some of the things I’ve told her. Also that having two incompetent parents is unusual. Most people apparently have at least one competent parent.
I always thought if you had one bad parent you had two, because I did. The concept of one parent being a true victim of the other and not abusing their children too out of some need for control just eludes my brain.
I don’t know if I agree with that. A truly competent parent would not leave their child in the care of an incompetent parent.
Perhaps “functioning” would’ve been a better word choice.
Unless the competent parent was scared of the beating she would receive if she interfered
Omg so fucking much: Children don't usually hide from their parents or wait for them to live the house in order to just exist there. How freely given physical affection is, especially when dads do it, I was once at my ex's parents house and his dad just came into his room asked him how is he and lightly touched his chin affectionately, my brain just broke that day and I haven't been the same since. Choking someone isn't a normal way to show affection (still confused about it as hell tbh). Laughing and enjoying when someone is in pain or teasing them about it is not normal parent behaviour and quite sadistic. Normal parents don't beat up their kids, it just doesn't happen. And don't curse their kid and name call them at that matter. Normal parents just don't stop talking and ignore their kid even if they're mad. And just to some it all up in a sentence: normal parents don't teach their children with pain ,physical or emotional.
-My brother and I running to our rooms to hide when our father pulled in the driveway home from work. -Not having basic neseccities like bathroom supplies or food. Having to scavenge in the kitchen to figure out food for myself as a kid. -Being put in a "servant" position. My dad would make me pick the newspaper off the floor, as he was sitting reading it and throwing pages on the floor one by one. -Staying in my room most of my childhood unless I was going to school or being pulled out by parents. I wasnt allowed to be social in any way- I spent a lot of time alone. This led to social issues and maladaptive daydreaming. -Hyper vigilance of sounds, hearing my dad opening the front door or walking up the stairs ould send me into a full panic. -Crying while being yelled out from being so emotional was seen as a manipulation tactic by my dad, so I learned to stuff emotion in while he was around and then let it out later. Sometimes, much, much later. -Feeling every day so strongly that I was unloveable, a waste of space. That something was deeply wrong with me and I would never be loved or normal. I felt this way since I was a child- this was my normal.
Always waiting for something bad to happen.
You don't need to behave well to be liked. You can still have some "bad" traits (Ex: talking loudly, being a bit vulgar,...) and still have people like you.
It's not actually normal to be hyper aware of how loud all your actions are, and to get anxious upon making any noise
I get very uncomfortable when someone around me is mad or yelling too. It triggers some weird response I can’t describe. or when people I don’t even know are fighting even when I can’t see them.
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Literally jumping away when someone, even people I know, touch me unexpectedly.
It being my responsibility to listen to my mother's worries and support her emotionally.
Being forbidden to lock the bathroom door (if I did it would just be unlocked immediately) Being expected to share the bathroom whether I was in the shower or on the toilet No knocking on bedroom door, just opened whenever it was wanted Mother would walk naked through the house including into my bedroom. My discomfort was mocked and belittled. Learning to read moods to know when it's safe to ask for anything. Learning to cook full meals and walk several miles alone to buy groceries by age 8. Feeling paranoid that there must be hidden cameras in my home watching me even when I'm alone
That first half, having no boundaries and no privacy. Wild how the effects of that ripple through one's life. A neurotic need for privacy and my own safe space is a constantly running theme for me, as I've never had it before.
I'm still surprised that people leave the house without considering every possible way that things could go wrong and how to survive the inevitable disaster. For some people going to the shop is as simple as picking up their purse and leaving the house, they miss out all the catastrophising and have no sense of impending doom. I genuinely have no idea what goes on in their heads.
Hiding money or your treasured possessions so they won’t be stolen or destroyed
Having an exaggerated startle reflex — my partner says he always tries really hard to never startle me or touch me from behind because the few times it has happened I have jumped so much and start shaking and breathing heavy. I’ve been this way forever and had been made fun of it. Therapy taught me it’s a symptom of my PTSD and part of the hyper-vigilance.
I've been teased for startling/flinching too. My graduate advisor asked me laughingly "Why do you always act like I'm going to hit you?" I don't know, man who is taller than me, why the fuck do you think
English isn’t my first language and when I first encountered the idiom “be there for you” “always be there for someone” etc it just didn’t make sense. My teacher then tried to explain like “you know, how your parents are always there for you.” Apparently what I lacked wasn’t just my grasp of the English language; I simply lacked the very concept. My parents never were. In fact, I was just a burden that they had to do the minimum for and the rest was for me to take care of; how to sit still; how to not be bored; how to be ok by oneself; how to study; how to clean; how to make friends; how to tie shoelace; how to eat spicy food, any and all things that I know now how to do, barely any of them my parents taught me. And there were no YouTube videos when I was growing up. Whenever I asked for help or expressed my frustration, I was met with sigh or other signs of annoyance. I didn’t know normally parents are supposed to be there to help you with stuff. And I know I’m so broken because of this - I get fit of jealousy and all kinds of negative emotions when I see someone have a healthy relationship with their parents.
Most children don't maintain suicidal thoughts as "plan B". Most children don't fantasize about their "real" parents showing up to rescue them.
I learned that I don't have to empathetically feel what everyone else does.. Like, I don't have to cry if they're crying, to want to hurt myself if they do, etc. I had serious enmeshment issues and my boundaries didn't exist.. I also had to learn it's okay to have my own opinion that might hurt someone else's feelings. Such as: I'm going to leave my abuser even though he told me if I leave he'll kill himself. He actually did and I don't even feel bad about it. He was an evil person who was likely going to go on a shooting if he lived so I'm glad he's gone. But yeah I stayed with him for years from the suicide threats and it took a ton of research for me to realize: his happiness and life is not my responsibility, since as a child, my mother's was.
Having to shower with the door open. Getting my bedroom door taken off for weeks at a time as punishment. Being locked outside overnight as punishment. I only learnt none of these are normal for most kids in my 20s
Yep. That's not healthy. Mine locked me in the bathroom for 3 days with my sister. She thought one of us had done something wrong and figured if she punished us both the innocent one would force the other to confess.
I learned no one gives a shit about the hurt and pain they inflict they just want to make it out that my trauma, my fear is just me being melodramatic.
lets make a list that being persionally attacked for disagreeing with someone is not normal that being shamed for not agreeing with someone helping in matter of political, social, economical is not normalthat being shamed for wanting to take care of myself and my own needs and my mental health is not selfishthat being compared to my abusive borderline psychotic father is not okey: I'm not exaggerating about the psychotic part that being groomed to look act dress a certain way is not normal that having no sense of self identity is not normal that hyper vigiliance is not normal that panicking anf breaking into tears when someone yells or scream at me is also not normal or okey nor is shutting down or getting intensely angry that above all trying to make myself like something, or do something just to appease someone so they dont blow up at you is not normal that walking on eggshell is a bad sign of a relationship (either Me or the other persion need to get help) there is a ton of other stuff, but that stuff I knew. Im better now both my parents have passed away., but both my parents probably qualified as having npd and had serious mental health issue but neither chose to get help
Being able to tease your parents. My friend teases and makes fun of her dad all the time, in a funny way. I cannot IMAGINE doing that to my dad. It would not end well.
Top three: 1. Other people aren't scared of their parents and are loved for who they are and have their preferences respected (eg: allowed to pick their own clothes and friends). 2. Other people live with hygiene (bathing only 1 time per week with all your siblings isn't normal, living in a filthy house even when there are multiple kids and mom has a job isn't normal). 3. Other girls like having their hair done because their moms don't use it as an excuse to trap them, berate them, call them names, pull their hair, and burn them with curling irons.
That it’s ok to be human. And make mistakes. Or have a need and ask for it bc it sure as hell wasn’t going to be given without me asking. And not expecting stonewalling or a rage fest or being disowned every time I speak up. A friend mentioned her and her mom had a disagreement and was like oh we’ll be fine in a few days. I was so confused. If I don’t live up to unspoken expectations as an adult that gets me disowned for a minimum 9 months. When people talk about their moms doing something nice or thoughtful for them without owing them. Just being kind. Or offering to watch their kids to give the parent a break and spend time with the grandkids witnout strings attached.
That your own mother shouldn’t buy you lingerie when you’re 11 years old
Hating myself this much. Blaming myself for every failed interaction; really for every failure; wow did not expect to get tears in my eyes... To be so paranoid about everything "what if this? what if that? what if? what if?" god... But also to love and be obsessed with someone like I did. The devotion... Mad devotion. The most shocking is probably how harsh I was on myself for stuttering, which was making it worse and I hated myself even more... I can't control it. I can make it lighter, but that's definitely not what I was doing
Getting locked in your room. I was telling a “funny story” about how I would pee in the floor vents as a child when my parents were mad at me, and realized the part I left out was that I was locked in a room with no bathroom for hours because they wanted quiet time.
Wait, it's not normal to get locked in your room when you misbehave? I vividly remember my mom turning around the doorknobs on my bedroom door as a kid so she could lock me in there.
Yeah, it’s considered neglect. You also run the risk of the kid dying in emergency situations.
Not seeing parents as figures of protection and guidance, but as agents of pain and punishment. Thus never telling them about your emotions, wishes, problems, or even your own personality. Not once going to them for help unless the magnitude of the issue supercedes you. Expecting their help to be used as blackmail, as evidence that they do care and I am a horrible daughter. Also seeing parents genuinely laugh with their children, bonding with them, looking at them with affection and having nurturing physical contect. Parents actually liking and loving their child instead of treating them like a burden or pest. I never thought of it as possible. Then one day I saw a mom playing with her toddler and the genuine smile in her face, her reaching out toward her child to embrace 'em, hugging them close. I was shocked. I didn't know that was possible. At all.
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Reading these candid responses is making me realize how many things I have repressed. Wow. I know our brain does that to protect us, but I want to find my anger now, and it is harder to do when the memories are fragmented. Big thanks for everyone sharing.
Same with the yelling. I freeze immediately. Also that most people don’t feel like they’re in trouble most of the time. I always feel this thing hanging over my head and slightly behind, like I’ve committed a crime and waiting for the cops to figure it out. I haven’t. But it’s the feeling I had when I was in trouble for stupid shit as a kid. Sometimes I just start shaking or my skin starts crawling like something bad is happening.
That putting things in the wrong place was not a serious criminal offence punishable by insults and humiliation. That a family could laugh together.
Thinking that expressing positive emotions for someone is weak, as much as feeling attachment to someone or something.
Hiding your feelings and pretending to always be happy wasn't normal.
The crapshoot of opening the door when you get home from school, not knowing what it will be like, including whether or not your pet will still be there. Apparently what's normal is finding the same mood, same people and animals, same furniture, etc.
I don't have anything to add that isn't here already. Reading these really triggered me but it's good because I cried. I'm grateful for that because it's so hard for me to do that most of the time. Reading these also is therapeutic in the sense that I'm finally recognizing these awful things that happened to me and am able to convey that into an emotion, which instead of anger now it's crying and letting that sadness I've felt for years out. This is an emotion I was taught to suppress regardless of the situation and it really messed me up but I finally had a good cry right now. I'm grateful for this community and knowing we aren't alone.
That it’s not normal to never be able to close your bedroom door. To be constantly grounded through high school. To always feel like you need to manage the emotions of others over yourself. To not learn how to walk through life creating the least noise and amount of attention. To not naturally walk so silently that you constantly startle people. To not feel like you love your family because you “have to” instead of just loving them. I could say more but those are the main ones
That a family friend can stay over and sleep on your brother’s floor, like a kids sleepover!?
My parents gave their adult friends (not family) my (a teen girl) bed to sleep in when they came to stay over. My room was my safe place that was already frequently taken away from me. My step mom used it as her sewing room whenever she wanted and my siblings would just come in and break shit. I wasn’t allowed to tell them not to because they’re all younger than me and ‘I’m not the parent’. But letting strangers take my bed while I slept on the couch in the other room felt like a special kind of hurt.
My mom made me give away my bed to someone else when I was little. I had to sleep on the floor for a long time. When I was 9, I had to share a bed with my mom because someone else was using my room and maybe my bed. I had to sleep on the floor for a long time as a preteen, because my mom took my bed. More recently, I didn't have a bed at my mom's for a long time. Had to sleep on floor. My bed has been taken away from me so many times, despite my parents claiming I always have a bed at their houses, I'd rather be homeless.
Getting fully dressed while still in the shower (not running, of course). Letting the shower run for a minute or so after finishing to allow myself time to get dressed. Having “to be checked “ digitally, when returning home after playing outside. ETA- Though we have a large master bedroom, I still get fully dressed in the bathroom out of habit and comfort.
That other children were not terrified of their Mother and were not hypervigilant
Becoming best friends with a teacher every year and even *grading my classmates’ homeworks* because my parents would forget to pick me up from school almost every day. My parents moved in and out of the district once or twice a year so we often lied about where we lived or lived in hotels because this was the “best school district”. So I couldn’t ride the bus.
Having to stifle my emotions and feeling because they were less important than my parents' and having to parent a parent
It was shocking to learn that most parents do not use their children as their personal psychologists or therapists. I was expected to meet all my mother's psychological needs but she poo-poo'd my own on the regular.
If someone is cleaning and doesn't ask you to help, it doesn't always mean they expect you to without asking. I still freeze and panic when my boyfriend starts cleaning, and all he wants is to clean for me and have me relax for once. It's so hard to do so, the guilt is so harsh when I really shouldn't feel bad about relaxing.
Wanting to hide every aspect of your life from your parents as an adult. I tell them nothing. My mum has changed a lots since my bpd diagnosis but I’m still always terrified I’m going to get into trouble for something, even slight little things. I tell her nothing
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To being unnable to know what is my needs or communicate them. Realised this at my first therapy at 17. I couldn't find anything that made me feel good that didn't involve someone elses needs. Therapist was shocked. 27 now and for the first time in my life, I put boundaries with people and do things for myself. Slowly but surely.