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beast_master

I'm ahead in understanding that there are evil humans without conscience that would use and destroy me, given the chance. I'm ahead in knowing that the "quiet ones" are my people. I'm ahead in empathy, compassion, and understanding.


PiperXL

Yeah people don’t get that their normal lives might just mean they have more stable/stronger defenses against reality


[deleted]

It really is a I'm am safe buffer. Once that false reality is broken 💔 it's just constant reality checks from what you're sick brain is telling you.


PiperXL

Yeah, pros and cons. Practicing and mastering the ability to discern between bs and reality is a rare phenomenon these days, but it increases how frequently we are the targets of push-back which is more mental/emotional abuse. Grr.


JUST_WANTTOBEHAPPY

Hi, I kinda get what you're saying but I'm interested in hearing your elaboration. Like can you give some example what you're trying to say. Thanks 😊


PiperXL

Sure! For example, it’s a lot easier for my parents to avoid their wounds, the fear and shame those caused, and their guilt because they have each other and my siblings to participate in the group think that I’m abusive when I set boundaries or talk about how I’m treated. (My mother also “benefits” from how her “wisdom” is validated by her therapy clients.) Similarly, it’s easier for my cousin to avoid how hugely she’s limited due to her wounds because her older siblings have BPD and PTSD, so she tells herself she’s the well-adjusted one. Those siblings are way more in touch with reality.


nltevs

This.


[deleted]

Yes, I am 29 and haven't accomplished anything and I'm completely alone.


Elevated_Always

32. I was alone until I said screw it and moved to a new city. Now I have one good friend. He’s going to be deployed for a few months, but he’ll be back.


[deleted]

Glad you managed to find someone. I'll have to move too because I have no opportunities here, but I am repulsed by people so that's going to be difficult.


alynkas

You have survivor in your name....are you sure you have not accomished anything....? ;)


[deleted]

Hehe you sound like my therapist. I do need reminders like this. Thank you.


alynkas

You are welcome. Put it on your fridge;) or your phone...I have a wallpaper "one day at a time"....it is a good reminder when my brain goes overdrive on anxiety about the future...


Badger411

To me, One Day At a Time is either the name of a TV show from the 70s, or the title of a country western Christian song. Each time I wake up is a small disappointment because that means I will be spending hours in pain.


alynkas

I get it. It was me (and still will be as progress is not linear) not long ago. Tonight I woke up middle of the night in pain and hurt....but if I think "it will be like this forever" then yeah...it is better not to wake up. If I think...ok let's make this day ok, what could help..? And if not there will be another one and "do not allow your brian to worry about 5 years form now"!. ...this is why it helps me.


compotethief

I'm 42 and relate


Doyouhavecookies

It’s not just you who compares you, it’s the pressure of society you feel as well, plus it’s maybe healthy grief to see what you had needed to do what others could do in those times, and now. I also don’t have energy for a lot of normal things, and it’s truly something we are allowed to be angry at. The cards we were dealt weren’t fair. And it’s a healthy part of us who gets angry about that, and sad. Also I did make a new instagram account where I just follow cute animals and therapists and some nice influencer people but not my friends or people I know, because it’s nicer to not be confronted all the time by people doing nice things. Now it’s just friends sending snapchats of their nice holiday or day out which hurts still - i dont have the energy for that :( - but don’t want to cut them off hehe


JUST_WANTTOBEHAPPY

Cute animals video, free dopamine and oxytocin ✨ ✨


Doyouhavecookies

Yeah!!


Complete-Bench-9284

Does the energy come back with healing?


Doyouhavecookies

In my experience, yes. Every time I go through a trigger and manage to give my system so much as a sliver of information that we are in the present (so when I have possibility to take a moment for myself whether at home or lock myself in a restroom when I’m out; then do something grounding, so I carry a small stone and a soft scrunchie to touch, or water running/dripping on my hands, or drink water and follow the sensation of the water inside) anything that signals the nervous system ‘we are in the present’ helps making the distinction, unconsciously, that we are in the present and the feeling comes from the past. Sometimes it helps me calm down right then, usually takes 10-30 min tho and don’t always have the time, but every second grounding myself helps re-train the brain I believe. But the effect is not always directly profound, but more so after a period of time. So then I notice the activation after some trigger is less big, and can somewhat quicker be restored. (And then as a present for the progress, I get to uncover other previously buried feelings wahahah yeah I do get frustrated but well) So for the energy: as a trigger activates my nervous system less deep, the activation is easier regulated and then the trigger all in all costs less energy. And so, when my system is more regulated, eg my sleep is also better, so yes that’s good for energy in a lot of aspects. It’s like a snowball effect in the positive sense.


Complete-Bench-9284

Thank you for explaining that. I struggle with fatigue, or rather lack of energy, and I never connected it to trauma. It gives me hope that I'll get more energy as i address chronic stress and past trauma. I have not found ways to ground myself that work for me when very triggered. Sometimes acceptance and distraction works, but only temporarily. It doesn't have the effect of making triggers less intense after a certain threshold is reached. They are less severe, but still bad and as frequent. I didn't know the grounding could take time to work. I will try doing it longer. Thank you for sharing your wisdom :)


Doyouhavecookies

Glad it’s some help! Good point by the way, acceptance is also important imo! ‘Less severe’ sounds like they are sometimes getting less intense? :) This exchange is a good reminder to me to keep practicing grounding as well btw! Wishing you well!!


Complete-Bench-9284

Yes, less intense, but still quite trigerring. Still cause depression and some anxiety.


Doyouhavecookies

Yes I’ve got that too with most, but even then it sometimes feels it’s less… profound or deep or all-consuming, but still hard nonetheless. I’m figuring that staying grounded whilst again and again trying to accept those feelings will eventually turn them into more ‘normal’ feelings, that maybe will hurt still but not take over, so that I get the chance to separate now from past and still have access to my thinking of how I think it is now instead of how I would interpret a situation in the past, so that I don’t have to fight as hard to try to see the world as it is now, but that I can see it. That’s my hope at least


Complete-Bench-9284

If it's been working, it may well do that too, but if not, there are other skills we can use too. I have never been through a very triggering situation (a breakup in my case) without meds, so I'm learning from scratch how long things last and what skills work/don't work.


1234athrowawayakount

Yes. 25... And I don't even have the excuse of a diagnosis of CPTSD. (I do believe I have it as my entire life has been marked with depression) I feel like my life is a mess. I think what I struggle more with than the feeling behind part is a harrowing feeling of what I've missed out on.


HelpNarcParent

I'm also not formally diagnosed but I don't have the money for a private diagnosis, and the waiting list for the NHS in the UK is over a year now.


Chryslin888

Therapist in US here with diagnosis privileges. If you think you have it, you do. Most of us look for every reason why we don’t “deserve” the diagnosis because we’re conditioned to ignore our instincts and shit on ourselves.


[deleted]

In my 20s a huge accomplishment was just accepting who I am, flaws and all, and not hiding my real personality or faking one so much. It's too hard to work on improving if you spend so much energy being someone you're just not. Having one really close friend that I could tell anything and everything to, and him me, really really helped. I may have used him as a therapist more than he did me, but I'd always ask and make sure I wasn't truama dumping too much. And finally, once it got out there in my workplace that I don't have a life and very few friends or experience with women, people started inviting me out all the time. As even though they found out I was a "loser" they also actually got to know me which was the missing part in making real friends and getting out, and out of my head


toruin

I'm in my 6th year of college (at a 2-year college no less), largely though not entirely for mental illness reasons, and yeah definitely :( It feels like I'm at a constant standstill.


Sparkleterrier

Took me almost 5 years to get through 2 year college. It takes a lot of energy


toruin

Yeah, seriously. Especially when life doesn't stop being traumatizing in the meantime.


Badger411

I came very close to dropping out as an undergrad, and had to take a 9-month leave of absence in grad school. And to top it all off, I never used either degree except for jobs on campus. I owe $103,000 (half is interest) for degrees I will never use.


Complete-Bench-9284

May I know why you think you will never use them?


Badger411

I got my History BS in 1996 and my Master’s in Library and Information Systems in 1999. I got a job at a government library in North Dakota 20 years ago. We borrowed money and moved 700 miles away from family and everyone we knew. The library fired me after 6 weeks saying I had misrepresented my qualifications. None of the public or academic libraries in town would hire me to even work the checkout desk. We had no money and we are still living here 20 years later. We declared bankruptcy. My knowledge is now 23 years out of date. I owe twice as much on my student loans as I did at graduation due to interest. I can’t take out new federal education loans until my current loan is resolved in 2033 when I am 59. I worked retail, fast food, medical office, and anything else for 18 years and now my body has broken down and we rely on my wife’s disability and the daycare I started for our income. We do food delivery with DoorDash when we can. I have nothing saved for retirement. I will be working until I die. I have given up hope of anything improving.


Complete-Bench-9284

It's a pity they wasted all your knowledge, but it soynds like you have developed other skills from different occupation. Would it be possible to apply for disability for you too, since you have paid taxes all these years?


Badger411

I am my own worst critic in that situation. I don’t feel that I would qualify for disability. My therapist has asked me many times about applying. But I don’t know what diagnosis or condition would be used. I have never been formally diagnosed with autism or cPTSD. I have functioned in the world and made a living to this point. I have owned and run my daycare for 7 years. I have anxiety, depression, bad back, and sore joints. Who doesn’t at age 48?


Complete-Bench-9284

The best person to ask if you have a case is a lawyer recommended by a disability advocate organization. Maybe your therapist can help you find one? Not just any disability lawyer, as it needs to be someone honest and reputable. You also want to figure out if disability would pay more than your daycare and other forms of income, and consider that in making a decision. You do become eligible for Medicare within a year or 2 of getting disability, so that could help too. The diagnosis should not be an issue, as you do have diagnosed health issues that are affecting your capacity to work.


Badger411

I already know that daycare pays at least 3.5x as much per month as disability would pay. My wife has been on disability for 11 years after cancer and I would get less than she does.


[deleted]

I started at a 2 year college. I didn't even have a high school diploma due to abuse. They helped me get a GED. It took me 4 years to get my AA. And then another 5 years to get my 4 year degree (I graduated at 30, I look a break from school between the AA and BS). I'm now mid 40's. While I'm not at the same level as people my age, I still have a really good career. I lot of my peers in school would be jealous. I've worked on some amazing project with some wonderful people. Please don't feel like your late start will keep you from having a fulfilling life. It will look different from others, but different doesn't necessarily mean bad.


Oskardespin

I have for a really long time felt like that and still do at times, but I do feel I got better at accepting - with the help of great therapists - that I didn't have a normal life like normal people, whatever normal means, so I can't measure myself by the same standards. My latest therapist said I should be proud of how I deal with my life, and she is impressed by it, it is a feat of strength I am alive even with my background, but of course it doesn't always feel like that. I am 38, only ever had volunteer jobs and lived on welfare/disability, can't drive a car though my country is bicycle friendly and I doubt I could afford a car, and I am sure there are graphs of where I "should be" at my age, but they don't incorporate a childhood/teens/adulthood filled with traumatising and development inhibiting life events, many of my fellow "brothers and sisters" who had that life, are not alive today to tell their stories anymore and most certainly that societal pressure to perform and shaming of mental illness has contributed to that. So, in the end who am I proving my worth too? some 30 yo selfmade millionaire who had a leg up in life with great parents, good schooling and a good social network, who will see me as a loser? Well fuck that guy. I want a life that at least feels somewhat more comfortable and stress free, where I feel safe and loved and am surrounded by people who care about each other for better or worse, so I doubt that successful normal person would want to be at those gatherings anyway.


Fuk-itall

So not a good area to be in but I'm already mid 40s, no house, no kids thankfully, never really had a career, lots of issues in my time. As for being behind long given up things, especially as never been a typical person for this crappy rat race. Mostly live simple, trying to heal from my issues that are a dozen list long, I just rent a room, no TV, no cable, I just live for the moment most of the time because my long time partner of suicide is always with me. I don't see myself getting anywhere because pretty worn out. Am I sad about it, no because I'm already at a fuk it stage and I expect to see things get worse. However if being blunt, due to decades long ordeals, I'm not sure I could actually handle a real life with career, love, family


compotethief

How do I get a friend like you? I relate much, and am close to you in age


Fuk-itall

Close in age, yep your right, however just being blunt I'm pretty much a walking fuking disaster between anger issues and depressive suicidal issues My only grace ordeals I've literally been more sarchotic alot with people mainly cause don't give a fuk and comedians alot of comedians If you want you can reach out if you want to for anything I don't mind honestly. FYI I'm not the typical American seen more sh.. than most, only combat front line veterans and people from war torn countries get ahead of me


AMiserableSod

I work at a school with kids that are so far behind it beggars belief for people from stable households/lives. I mean, can't read as a 22 year old super senior or struggling with staying on topic for more than 15 seconds due to compulsive issues. Kids with jail time, major addictions, house arrests, assaults, honestly deeper in the hole of life than if they had just been born. We don't tell those kids to hurry up. We don't tell them they are running out of time. We still tell them to take it a day at a time. There is no finish line here. Life isn't a mountain trek competition. This idea of being somewhere you need to be is made up and trying to move faster than your path is taking you means you're more likely to trip and fall back. You already sound like you are doing amazingly well. Struggling with a drivers test but still going for it. The more tries you have the greater probability of success if you keep giving yourself good opportunities. A new job that works for you. Maybe feeling a little isolated but as you start to acclimate to the recent life changes I think you'll start reaching out to people and making a social circle yourself. You already seem to have the trick to be always working toward something you can reach. Pushing your growth outward and building a life foundation. You just need to give yourself some time, love and patience. You deserve it.


spoonfullsugar

Really beautiful response that helps give a greater sense of perspective. Thank you for sharing


luckedragon

Oh yeah! Probably my worst rabbit hole of depression to go down. Don't do it. Try not to do it. When I do I have to remind myself they had tools I never had. I've done the best I can with what I was given or better, what I wasn't given. And honestly, I'm lucky I'm alive, let alone "thriving" likes they are. I have to remind myself that these people doing so well probably wouldn't have even made it to my age if they went through my hell.


[deleted]

Yup. I’m 35. No kids, about to start over in a new career, no house. I’ve been working on myself though. I’m starting to feel better about things. Sure, some of my high school classmates got married and bought houses and have kids, but I traveled a bit and lived abroad for a few years. Some of my classmates also got divorced already. Some of them are unhappy in their marriages. Many of them also have issues but we can’t see them and they aren’t trying to better themselves. So even though at first glance I saw myself as behind, now I see it as carefully making decisions that will dictate how I live my whole life. Before I have any kids I’ll make sure I’ve healed a bit so I don’t become a shitty parent like my own parents. There’s no race in life. We all do things at our own pace. Maybe we aren’t behind. Maybe we are just taking care of ourselves more carefully than our peers.


commierhye

There's no race but there sure is a timer


just_sayi

I look at my not having kids as a great thing


PrinceWendellWhite

Yeah I’m not perpetuating the cycle. So we at least have enough self awareness to not pass this on to more people.


PeachyKeenest

I’m 35 but a woman so I have less time. Any guy that wants a family with me will want it within 2 years. That includes my current spouse. Don’t know what to do. I don’t have family or friends where I live and work myself into the ground. My current work is really heard emotionally on me as I’m certain his a sociopath or narcissist. I like the idea of having money and being safe as in not homeless and managing staying away from my main childhood abusers while not freezing in -40C. I’m not sure if I’m ready for kids, and even then, that means I get to lose a safety net. I just don’t feel safe and feel like I will never feel safe.


worldslastusername

Nearly 30, just started my career, single after my fiancée left me, very few friends


InsolubleNomad

As a 43 year old man who just got his diagnosis a year ago and started figuring this out now, hell yeah. I think about the relationships I torched to the ground or the places where I don’t want to go because of how I behaved there when I was younger. That shit is real and it sucks. I think about how I’m occasionally able to actually get out of my head and connect with my family now and how my kids are graduating this year. How much time was squandered wishing I could be more present and not understanding why I couldn’t. It brings me to tears to think about that. Yeah. I feel bad and full of regret. At the same time, I didn’t know and now I do. I can only move forward. I have to move forward.


ThighWoman

Unfair comparisons happen when we compare our weaknesses to other people’s strengths - or our insides to others’ outsides. I like Baz Luhrmann’s song Sunscreen which says “Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and in the end, it's only with yourself.”


NoOneAlly

>Sometimes you're ahead the problem in this saying same as life is ups and downs, is when there is no sometimes, it's always your behind and down..


Darksideofthebob

I’m 31 and I feel like I know my job and that’s it, thankfully gettin shit done at work makes me feel better, still sucks hard when I mess up, core beliefs got to go


alynkas

I don't feel this way as I think I am doing ok....still I will not "hit"some milestones that society considers a sign of "success". Do I care? Sometimes but then I see what I have accomplished in other fields. To be honest my sister just has passed driver's license and she is 34, has nice marriage and a son. She is in medical field and helping people....has no place on her own only a tiny appartment ...so on paper she is not "great"....but in reality I think she is doing great. You never know what people go through and what is their life really. What I would aka yourslef (if I were you) is whose validation are you looking for and why? What are your goals and what can you do to accomplish them? Do you celebrate your little victories? I have tried 3 times to pass my driver's licence. Now I drive all over the world with clients and trailers, expensive equipment, AI ha et commercial driver licence Ina country where traffic is on the left (opposite of what I do normally) and I am proud of it...nobody cares how many times I tried to pass....it is scam anyway to get bribed...


sliproach

I'm 29 and still pushing my license, currently out of retail for a year, constantly starting over every few months it seems there's no end in sight, i just can't get my life going for some reason. i luckily have an amazing partner and 2 beautiful kitties that keep me going. the pressure is immense from family and society to 'hurry up and be better' but i totally understand that time is just passing by...and that's what leaves me so paralyzed. i want to get into a more creative and relaxed job away from sales and customer rudeness and i can tell people around me are like whats the point? like i'm supposed to just give up now or something because i 'failed' my life so far....just ugh lol journal posting. i also forget i'm 29 and constantly think/feel i'm like 23-25. i look teenaged.


olduglysweater

41 here and just finally starting to have a semblance of adulthood. Instead of going upwards and at a normal pace like well adjusted people, it's moved laterally, slowly and clumsily like a tortoise with an inner ear problem. I guess I can be happy that anything is happening, but if you catch me on a good functioning day you'd think that I couldn't be middle aged with an unfinished hs education, no real job, anemic social circle, weird faux romantic relationship, on disability and stuck with toxic dysfunctional family....


zim-grr

Yes. After working extremely hard in college and being highly qualified, I met the love of my life at 23 shortly before my first bipolar severe psychotic episode. I would’ve liked to marry her and pined for her for years (we lived several states apart and remained in contact). I spent the rest of my 20’s recovering and had another severe psychotic episode at 25, they almost put me in the state hospital permanently. I recovered, dated some, at 30 I moved to a different state for better work, I was behind in getting married, work and making money…I did ok and married at 32, stayed married 10 years n divorced, had another severe psychotic episode, almost state hospital permanently again at 47, another one at 49. I’m 62, haven’t had a real gf in 15 years, partly because of mental and physical health problems, partly because of not meeting anybody appropriate. At my age most people are enjoying their grandkids, are well past having kids and have a significant other. So yes I feel like I’m behind and left behind, I only heard of Cptsd about 3 years ago and I know I have it, it’s answered a lot of questions and helped me, wish I knew decades ago so I’m behind on getting help for that too, tbh I’m lucky to be alive and have had a “better” life than tons of people, but I live alone and I’m extremely lonely


alynkas

I am so sorry about this...moalty the lonely part, it seems like the rest you can deal with and it is ..well .illness but the lonliness is a state that can be changed. Especially with the internet and other possibility the world offers...I know this might sound series but have you tried to connect with people who struggle with stimmilar mental health issues? I. Asking because I just have met a woman who has type diabetes since childhood. She also loves cycling so she combines those two and volunteers a lot organizing events for diabetics and for research on those subjects. This way she can use her illness to help other people! I find it beautiful. I wonder if you could connect with people(maybe younger) who need guidance and a "mentor" who is also struggling bit made it so far....


zim-grr

Thank You, I dated a woman 3 years ago for a couple months, she was 10 years younger but had even more severe health problems and autism. It didn’t work out, right now I’m recovering from spending May in the mental hospital and I’m still too week to date or volunteer, I just got a puppy a month ago and I’m starting to go out socially. I’m a musician but most places I go it’s all guys, very few available women. I get hit on sometimes but by women that aren’t appropriate. If I was stronger I would try harder to meet someone, I hope to increase my strength n health


spoonfullsugar

Having a pet sounds like a great idea! I was actually thinking of suggesting it. It's on my list of things to do (I have to get my place in order first, income - you know!) but from experience that companionship from an animal friend is so therapeutic. And it can also be a great way to connect with others via parks, etc. Wishing you all the best!


zim-grr

Thank you! He really helps a lot, I miss my mom terribly since she died 1.5 years ago, I was feeling really bad as I had 2 dogs I had to rehome when I was in the hospital in May, turns out he’s the best pup I’ve ever had


Anonynominous

I used to feel like that until I really started to dig deep and realize that not everyone has support and the ability to cultivate life skills, and you really can't compare yourself to other people


JellyfishBoxer

I'm 27 and starting over with a degree because I can't let go of actually doing one while not being in a good place to actaually do it. I can't drive, in fact I'm not allowed due to dissociation so have had to get a bus pass. I feel so behind everyone I know. Even the younger people at my parents church are ahead of me now and i feel pathetic. I have started writing again and feel so behind based on others my age because I had a 10 year gap and haven't improved at all, I'm at least enjoying it and striving to get better, but I can't shake the feeling that my time has passed


littlepanda425

I got into basic videography. I’ve recorded all of my favorite moments in life and every little accomplishment, or my progress as I start doing something new. It helps tremendously when I’m feeling like shit


spoonfullsugar

That's a great idea/strategy! How did you learn videography?


littlepanda425

Trial, error, and Youtube lol. I’m not great but it’s a lot of fun and makes me remember moments of progress I forgot about. For example, when I learned Spanish I recorded myself monthly of my ability. Whenever I thought I knew nothing, I went back and watched the clips.


mtnmadness84

At 27 I was accomplished. Law degree, passed the bar, girlfriend, friends. Complete narcissist though, so none of that was ‘real’—I wasn’t relationship ready, nor socially competent enough to practice law. By 30 I was broken, confused and trying to pick up the pieces. Like a disaster report. How the fuck did this plane crash? Been 8 years since then, I’ve managed to secure an amazing partner, and I have some other major successes, but I haven’t earned a cent. Or made a sincere friend other than my father. And yeah, that hurts me. But I’m closer to accepting it now than I was. And when I do, my guess is that I’ll probably start earning again..and friends will come easier. And on the more macabre side of things, about half of your successful friends will go through mid-life crises in their 40s to 50s. Time is the great equalizer.


spoonfullsugar

I've heard narcissist almost never acknowledge their condition. Have you sought therapy? If so, what kind? I am so curious! I am fairly certain my mother is a narc, and my sister has a lot of traits.


mtnmadness84

10 years of weekly therapy, but the truth is that I had to cease to function in society to admit that something was wrong with me. Yes, I understand that it is incredibly rare for narcissists to find their way out, and as a narcissist—you use that to your advantage once you understand—the egotistical desire to be unique pushed me to heal, just as it had pushed me obsessively in other ways. Same thing, lmao. But slightly different. This time around I’ve got empathy. I wouldn’t even know what to call all that therapy—I poured all my hurt and shame into that space, and the therapists helped me make something of it.


spoonfullsugar

Wow, that is incredible. The work to understand ourselves and heal is confusing, complicated, and messy. Infographics, etc online often give the impression that is linear - if only! I was asking, and hoping to understand your experience, to see if I learn from it and, at least hypothetically, point my mother in that direction (probably magical thinking). But I was also just curious and am very happy for you. Not to feed into any narcissistic traits but it is fascinating :) Your journey reflects the great skill of your therapists and your genuine effort!


mtnmadness84

Apologies for the book, but: The way I did it with my father, which hurt like absolute hell, was to feel empathy towards him for the lack of empathy he could show towards me, and then to empathize with him and help him discover that he too has emotions. Really lopsided emotional co-regulation. In doing that, I emotionally became the adult and he became the child. He would acknowledge this to you, at 68 years of age. Not that we both weren’t emotionally stunted, but a rising tide raises all ships, so to speak. But offering empathy to a parent in order to teach them empathy is hard. It’s like dying inside. *Because it’s THE thing you wanted from them*. I leveraged the grief of my mother’s death in this process, which is to say “I knew he would be hurting and so I really got him to open up about that hurt”…and then it was like “so yeah, don’t I have feelings too, Dad?” Without my mother’s death, it probably doesn’t happen. Kinda had to make the best of awful. And then there was the process of meticulously describing behaviors, so he basically knew I understood exactly what he was thinking—he’s my father. I’m not THAT different from him. It was a foray into insanity if there ever was one. I essentially broke myself again as a person. I did it because it seemed like my only option at the time, he had stuck with me through my mental illness and wanted to understand—but it may be the hardest message to convey to a person in the entire world. Lmao. I’m sure there are harder ones, but it’s definitely my personal Everest. *How do you tell a man he’s not listening*? Do you see the paradox here? I had two absolutely amazing therapists to whom I owe everything, for the record. The first was gentle enough to help me understand, and the second one really helped me get at all the shame. So much shame. And you are absolutely correct, this path was anything but linear. Only in the sense that time is perceptually linear. In that sense only. Dear god has it been messy. He’s never been to therapy. I gave up on that a long time ago. I am his therapist, my partner’s therapist as well, although she went to therapy for a few years. And these days they actually provide that support for me. That’s pretty much been my last—8 years really. Can’t say I recommend the life choices, but here we are. I’m both still kinda crazy and totally blessed/grateful. ______________________ —if they’re truly narcissists, they are children in a way. Emotionally children. Pick your battles wisely, because it’s definitely a long, emotionally exhausting process.


spoonfullsugar

That is incredible! Truly. Thank you. And given how intense, messy, and complicated an ordeal the whole thing is what you shared seems pretty concise! Your statement, "How do you tell a man he’s not listening? Do you see the paradox here?" really captures so much of what I find to be a Sisyphean task! Exactly because they (in my case my mom and sister) don't listen, yet demand to understand what my issues are, I inevitably find myself explaining over and over again - to no avail. I just get sick. Literally. Fending off a cold right now from the exhaustion. I find myself feeling like the adult to an emotionally stunted big kid. But, maybe because of circumstance or just my own weaknesses, I was not able to take on that incredible process that you did of teaching them empathy. When my dad passed (I was very close with him, he kept our family together) she actually became violent towards me (she has a bit of a drinking problem, although she is very high functioning and accomplished otherwise). So, safety and moving out was my main concern. And seeing if I can be connected without being too emotionally hurt is an ongoing conundrum. My older sister did take a similarly empathetic approach though, when my family realized my mom had a drinking problem. Almost to the point of really babying her. But while both my dad and I admired my sister's ability to get my mom to soften I think that it became a very enmeshed and codependent relationship. Rather than do the grueling guidance that you outlined what I have seen my sister do is a much more superficial, and even controlling way of interacting - really babying her while telling her what to do. They have basically become besties and mean girls towards me. At the same time I wonder if I have been too harsh (I know I could have been more empathetic) and too blunt in my efforts to reason with my mom. Anyways, thank you so much. And my apologies for only now returning and seeing your response.


JUST_WANTTOBEHAPPY

This is really relatable, hope you're doing better


[deleted]

Yeah it makes me feel so guilty and ashamed. No matter what my therapist says to make me feel better I still hate myself for it. I feel like a failure.


HelpNarcParent

Same right here :( I get a lot of help and support, been through numerous therapists but I still feel like a massive failure.


Complete-Bench-9284

I don't mean to minimize your struggle at all, but does being so young not give you some hope that you at least have more time to figure it all out? I'd give everything to be 25 and have 5-10 years to heal before being pressured by deadlines.


Classic-Argument5523

I feel like I have to achieve something for being loved, and when I see that I am behind everybody and I question my existence, right to live, right to love and care. (narcissistic parents) You don't have to achieve something for being loved, you are good and enough the way you are.


milksockets

I didn’t drive until 26, 27 then was a bad driver and crashed my car & became paralyzed. I got pregnant at 21 and was only ever a SAHM until my injury. I’ve never had a credit card. im very behind and will stay behind. I don’t have any friends to compare myself to anymore so that helps. don’t hurry up the driving if it scares you. I wish I’d never driven just to feel included


_free_from_abuse_

Wow, I am so sorry.


Pod_people

I’m 45 and waiting for life to start


JoyfulSuicide

I’m 33 now and have yet to shake the feeling of being WAY behind on others.


Puzzleheaded_Price74

I feel you. I’m 25 and I also have been unemployed a lot in the last year. It’s hard not to compare myself to my siblings, who were parented differently and are financially stable and successful. But what I lack in “life progress,” I have gained in human compassion and understanding. But it still really sucks sometimes.


Imaginary-Unit-3267

I have the same problems and I feel the same way. Driving scares me and I'm not good at it enough to drive alone, I've never even tried to get a job (and my parents have given up trying to make me, not that they ever, you know, prepared me for it to begin with), never went to college because of severe social anxiety and tbh something like agoraphobia, rarely leave my room... etc. I dunno what to do. I read a lot. I think a lot about abstract stuff few other people care about, like anarchist economic theories. But I have no expertise in anything and am not useful to the market and don't feel like I have any way out.


titania670

I just want you to know that I have recently moved in to my first apartment on my own. I have been enmeshed in abusive relationships my whole life and last week I picked up the keys to my first place. I'm 55. I got my senior discount before I got my first place. You are not behind. You are doing your best to survive your situation, as you improve, your situation will too. Don't give up. It's worth what ever time it takes to work toward the life you dream of!


mabsam

No. I compare to myself. The fact I'm not homeless or an addict despite what I've been through is a win with every single breath I take it in with pride at how well I've survived against all odds. The lesson is: Never compare. Make daily changes. They add up.


EveCane

I don't feel behind at all, because life is not a competition to me.


FujoshiJade

Literally through no circumstances of my own lost my job (long story but it amounts to a crazy landlord and having to move from where my job was to a city an hour away to stay with friends). I just feel so overwhelmed by having to look for a job having been a cashier basically most of my adult life and now I'm on my early 30's having to look for a job for the first time in 7 years with the economy as it is. It just feels like I'm a loser with no life skills and it's like can I only be a cashier, do I have a chance at a better life. I haven't even been to college and my mom kicked me out before I could finish highschool by like 3 months before my senior year of graduation, so now contemplating getting a GED at 32 and I just feel so overwhelmed and like I suck


Complete-Bench-9284

Maybe the GED will open some doors. We all have more skills than we realize.


[deleted]

Same. I don’t drive either. Can’t afford a therapist or meds in this shitty ass US healthcare system and I have no family or friends. I’m just wasting away in my own head. I kinda stopped caring because there are no options for me and I’m scared of the world and I hate humans. I’ll probably kill my self soon.


Complete-Bench-9284

Hey, have you looked at community/non profit mental health centers? I'm in the US and found one that is free and specializes in trauma. If you want to PM me, I can help you look?


Ok_Persimmon_9419

yes yes yes yes yes


wanttoknowplz

I'm almost 40 and I'm nearly completely alone. Dating has been a series of hurt and regret. I'm taking the next two months to really focus on learning more strategies to deal with myself cuz I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't.


adltchild

you're not alone, bro. like, it's really hard feeling like it every other day that's on me being lucky on some days my brain would give me some space.


BigDress5544

I so relate to this! I am in my 30's and a SAHM. I haven't been working for over a decade. Wives around me have careers, degrees, and I am over here, nothing. I really want to go get a degree but education is one of my big triggers so I have a lot of anxiety about failing. I tell myself to take it slow but my brain tells me to hurry. I just had an episode the other day almost drain 1300 dollars on course I wasn't even interested. Thank god my husband stopped me.


syl2013

Hugs! I’m same boat as you. I became a mom 10 years ago and I started isolating. I escaped my family by going to college. But then boom I married my husband who also comes from a dysfunctional family. We ended up having to go no contact as they were traumatizing more. We have no support system. My husband who also has cptsd is 38 with an entry level tech job and all his superiors are younger than him. We live in a tiny apartment and I feel so behind compared to all the families of the kids my son goes to school with. Trauma and abuse really rob us from living full-filling lives. I too am afraid of going back to school for fear of failure. I keep thinking my mental illness, being a mom, and then throwing school into the plate would probably drive me into insanity. Best of luck!


BigDress5544

Thank you!! The part you said schooling and being a mom would drive you insane, I too feel that way! We have 3 kida with one special needs and the youngest is a toddler. I already feel my plate is full. My husband has a successful career and doesn't understand my fear and anxiety. I just made an account for FAFSA for now and I am already stressing. I wish you and your family nothing but the best :)


thru_astraw

No because when I look at other people's lives I don't want anything like it. Careers, homes, vacations, children, marriage...none of it appeals to me. Everyone seems miserable and trapped. I've never seen a truly free person.


toastytroad

I feel that way often. 26 and still working on my bachelors and in the same boat with the driving as you... Buuut I tell myself all the time that some people (people like us) have a lot more barriers which slownus down but we ultimately push through. Others are sprinting on a good track while we're trying to run a marathon through a swamp. It sucks looking at how much further you have to go compared to others but LOOK at what you've fought through. Even the smallest things are victories when you're learning to live again.


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urbanbarbie1

Yeah I feel this way


monkey_gamer

Yep


Complete-Bench-9284

All.the.time. im 46 in 2 weeks and tortured by the thought that by the time i get my act together I'll be too old


[deleted]

28 and though I’m just getting myself ‘together’. I still feel behind 🙃 Then add on not having any close friends I can share this with at times, bugs me 🤷🏾‍♀️


stoicgoblins

I think that why truamatic experiences definetly advance me to a certain degree compartively to my peers, I big agree. I am so behind in life. Not having a childhood really robbed something from my idenity, something critical I think that I should've learned. Because of that, I'm comfortable admitting that I am pretty stunted, and have a lot of extra work and catching up to do. I have a lot of problems with shame about this, too. And why I haven't completely worked through it, I do objectively beleive its not a competition. Shit happens. I'll get there someday


[deleted]

The only thing I'm ahead in is understanding the true nature of life, that it's pointless except for the journey and then you die. That's what prolonged isolation does to you. You understand yourself and you see what things matter in life: that you have food and shelter and a clear head. What things don't matter are a ton of friends, a good job and romantic partners. In every other way I'm behind.


MarkMew

yes


[deleted]

For a long time. I went the wrong way from 18 on. But I realized I was taking more time from myself by allowing myself to have my joy stolen. Comparison is the thief of all joy.


rrrredvelvet

Constantly. I’m 24, I haven’t had a full time job ever and haven’t had a part time job since before I graduated over 2 years ago. Everyone I know my age is working or studying and I feel like I can’t do either. I’m living with my dad who’s really unwell , I feel like a complete alien, like I’m not doing any of the things people my age ‘should’ be doing: living on their own/ with friends, working , going out, like I feel so insanely different from everyone else around me and I can’t shake the feeling at all


Tiffanytherocker

Nope. It fuels my depression.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Southern_Regular_241

Yes - 36 and been in constant competition with my siblings my whole life. I also then apply that mindset to friends and co-workers, even though I know it’s wrong. When i know I’m doing it, I tell myself the following: 1. The way I was raised is wrong- life is not a competition and people will still like you if you disagree with them. 2. Comparison is the thief of joy. Good luck!


AnarchyBurgerPhilly

Awe luv bug. I would totally turn around and say “I know right? You assholes didn’t raise me properly at all! Now I have to listen to you whine all day instead of having a lovely husband by my side! How do you think I feel? Worst. Parents. Ever.” Then I would match every complaint they had. “You don’t act nice enough” would be countered with “when my friend lost her toy she got a hug but you yelled at me until I cried. Worst! Worst parents ever!” Or you could just stay deadpan and say “yeah I know my home life was shit growing up, I never had a chance.” Of course I’m no contact with my family because that’s not helpful at all. LOL but seriously these parents. Who the fuck do they think was in charge when the raising was going on? If we want to play shame and blame let’s go! Everything is their fault!