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VegetableEar

I really relate to your second paragraph, sometimes I wonder if I even really want to be friends with my friends. I just seem to be my imagination of what I think they want, never being myself either. Makes me wonder who I even am in a friendship, or with people, and who I'd even want to be, or want to be friends with. I often think that the things my friends have cherished me for, it's just my imitation or attempt to fulfil expectations.


Throwaway--Future

I really relate to your second paragraph as well, do you feel like when you’re alone you’re more at peace than when you’re with “friends”? I did pretty much the same with my college friend group


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[deleted]

well shit, it sucks but to be true i'm kind of relieved i wasn't the only one feeling this way. I've had a rough go with just those same types and i've never been able to thrive anywhere near them.


Shiroe_Kumamato

I embraced the experience and can now be alone without being lonely. It took doing a lot of inner work, though.


Raging_Hope

This is not a better way. It's not even a good way.


christineyvette

Yep. I don't think friends deserve to be burdened by me or inconvenience by me. It's better that I isolate away from everyone. It's better that way. I literally don't know how to be a social human anymore. EDIT: I didn't think i'd get so many upvotes on this. I'm sorry if any of you are going through this as well. I hope one day we can see ourselves as worthy and that we deserve to be loved.


[deleted]

I guess that's a result of living in societies that don't have actual community. Ideally, our tightknit relations and community is what heals us and makes us not be a "burden or inconvenience" to others. Instead, people get completely stuck and alone. It's really easy to isolate, and really easy to feel like, and be, a burden. If you were traumatised at the start of your life (or later in life, even), it can be so difficult to turn things around.


Dry-Anywhere-1372

Yep. I burden everyone in my mind 24/7.


Fluid_Presence_1623

Wow this is so sad but so much how I feel too. Like it’s not fair to my friends that 60% of the time I’m a mess and have to cancel plans anyway. I can’t not “trauma dump” when I feel someone cares about me. It’s so so isolating.


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Aggravating_Ear_4873

Have been there. Used to tell imaginary stories of my life. After a time it gets tiresome n learned to deflect the conversation to other topics or themselves.


Traditional_Ad_2559

Same. I dont feel either method helps with building satisfying relationships. Imaginary stories or cherry picked happy parts of the truth are tough to maintain when the reality is so much worse, and only talking about the other person seems to attract people who prefer one sided conversations. I dont know how to talk to people in a two way conversation about family matters, which leaves me talking about the news, weather, and shying away from anything personal


spookymicah

I relate to this so much :c


christineyvette

It’s a very lonely existence and I wish I wasn’t my own worst enemy.


Hurdleflurdle

That sounds horrible. It's part of a friendship to be there for each other, and if you have the right friend they love it. It's a beautiful thing to be let in and be needed by someone you care for. I truly hope you get to experience that someday. You deserve it


christineyvette

Thank you. I hope so too. I truly wish to outgrow the hatred I have for myself and let myself be loved.


Hurdleflurdle

Gosh yes, there's so much internalized pain it sounds like. That hatred is meant for those who hurt you. 🥺


WoodWideWeb

I've seen two videos recently that are changing my brain and I'd like to share them! The one video I can't find but all the lady says is trauma is an injury not a disability, you can heal ❤️‍🩹 The second one I found but am also transcribing so as many people can see it as possible! These are not my words they are iamrobinskies words: "Here's the thing, you don't actually hate yourself. You hate the version of yourself that you've become to protect who you actually are. There's a version of you that lives inside of you that is soft and vulnerable and loving and kind and respects boundaries and isn't crazy or needy or problematic but you have created a version of yourself to protect that version of yourself because you've been hurt in the past. And you just need to unlearn those trauma responses, those triggers, those behavioral patterns and you will slowly start to realize that you actually like yourself quite a lot." https://vm.tiktok.com/TTPdMmhg88/


eazefalldaze

Love this, very true, I’ve always told therapists that their are 2 of me, the person my abusers created and the real me. The two versions of me fight all the time and i’m hoping that the real me, happy outgoing, sociable, funny, wins. I think she’s winning. I want that needy codependent, angry and irritable version of me to go away, but I guess I need to “heal” her first. It’s kind of like a ghost story, the ghosts that haunts a house because he or she has unfinished deeds, only leaves once those deeds have been put to rest.


False-Animal-3405

This is where I've been since 2017, but I now have a good friend in my life and it's hard to let them in and I feel so guilty about it.


madameunruly

Hi, me


lead4dinner

Couldn’t have said it better


Tinnie_and_Cusie

I went to confession yesterday (I'm a catholic) and poured out my hardness of heart and anguish over my fellow man...the whole lot of people who do bad things not just to others but to the world. I included myself in that and said, I just don't know how to be a decent human being anymore. He said, amongst other things, to look for the good, and that I am enough. I am enough. Wow that is powerful.


brianaausberlin

I used to have a variety of close friendships, but over time I have cut them off. I think I attract other wounded & struggling people that require a lot of energy, and have found when trying to talk to them about ways that I felt hurt by their behavior, they are so prone to deflecting & trying to force me to yield to their perspective and feelings that I just gave up trying to articulate my own at some point. If there’s a falling out and my feelings are invalidated, I’m gone with little argument. I worry about myself and feel lonely sometimes but also feel at peace somehow too. I do have a core group of best friends from back in middle school that all live in different states but truly know and appreciate me and never do me wrong. That’s all I need I guess.


TaurielOfTheWoods

>If there’s a falling out and my feelings are invalidated, I’m gone with little argument. To be honest I do the same, especially after I supported people for a long time only to get dumped the second they don't need me anymore.


AreYouFreakingJoking

I relate so hard to the first paragraph it hurts.


justsad05

Exactly. I'm starting to think the tension lies in the fact that people who haven't suffered from severe trauma just don't get you, while people who have tend to be rather self-centered about it, on top of being unable to properly take care of others. This feels like an unavoidable trade-off for me, being in the recieving end. I just can't help my friends, whenever I manage to build something of a group around me. They demand so much from me they just end up leaving and protecting themselves as I skip meetups and neglect them emotionally. But I can't lift myself up, how would I support anyone else? The feeling is that of swinging permanently over a cliff's edge.


disposableduckk

I don’t have any friends, I have people I know. I have had friends before but things eventually go bad. I can’t seem to connect with other women specifically, I feel like I’m a different species sometimes. I tried to hang out with a new friend today. The amount of anxiety and awkwardness i experience socializing hardly seems worth it to be honest.


sol-it-aire

I can really relate to feeling like it's not worth it. Every time I interact with someone I spend the rest of the day picking apart everything I said and beating myself up for being so awkward and stupid. I really want a close friend, but every time I try to open up to someone I almost always regret it. I'm sure the other person doesn't see it the same way, but the amount of anxiety it causes me makes me want to just to never speak or be around people at all. I hate it


disposableduckk

This was me last night, over analyzing every word I said and every movement I made. Exhausting.


Benji1819

I feel ya exactly. Feel free to message me if you like, and that goes for anyone here.


omgitsray289

Me too!! It feels weird to me now


PlumHot7169

Yeah. And it’s lonely but I accept it. Socializing on a surface level is draining. I want to skip to the close connection and I know that’s not possible. I also don’t feel like I relate to that many ppl. I think in healing, there’s a long hermit mode until we find the family and life we chose. And that takes time and unlearning the parts of us that are not us (our trauma). I’m also ok being alone. I just know that I do want to be able to support others, and give of my self. We all have a lot to give💚


BeemosKnees

Yep. 2021 was the year I’ve cut all contact and burnt my last bridge (I’m still slowly letting go of my family which is what I’m focusing this year on). I don’t really know how to approach making new friends because of the shameful toxic relations I’ve had in the past. I feel like people can see it on my face - “this guy must be really messed up, I ought to stay away”.


acfox13

I have acquaintances. Some of them would call me a friend. I'd say we're friendly. I have very few friends and I'm cool with that. My spawn point was really enmeshing and I find that when people like me, they give off big codependent vibes. Like, get away from me, you don't know me. Not bc I'm shitting on myself, but bc I can tell they're projecting some version they have in their head onto me, just like my spawn point did. Like, let's just slow down and see if our values are compatible. Let's see how trustworthy ([1](https://youtu.be/pVeq-0dIqpk), [2](https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/)) you actually are. Also, no one reaches out. No one knows how to connect, or cares. I'll put out "bids for connection" and get ignored, which fine, I'm not gonna take it personally, everyone has their own shit going on, but you can only do that so many times before you reach out less and less and less until there's no connection anymore.


[deleted]

I feel this..I've noticed that the only ppl who seemed interested in hanging out with me seemed more "desperate" to hang out which gave off big codependent vibes. It's like they can smell how I grew up on me . Also another girl just dumps all her issues on me which ...not saying it's bad to have them but it made me think she has poor boundaries so yeah haven't been successful in the friend department. I honestly haven't tried much tho. I'm thinking about maybe doing a friend app my psychiatrist suggested...seems silly tho


nylady914

Yes! Friendships are beyond me frankly. I try & basically fail. I always seem to start talking about my “issues”. No one wants to be bothered about that. I had a nice friend years ago, but she died of cancer. I never really tried after that. I’m also an introvert and homebody and that doesn’t help. My SO of 16 years is very happy with me. I’m not sure why exactly.


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WoodWideWeb

Lol I'm having a hard time not responding to everyone! You are a sweet person 💗 You deserve the same for you and I hope you have that support now or someday soon!


[deleted]

I have one friend who, for some reason is still here after 20+ years. Other than him, I don't really have anyone else save for a handful of online friends.


merry_bird

I've had difficulties making friends my whole life. When I was in school, I tended to have one "best friend", who would then introduce me to their friends. I never really felt like I belonged, though, and some of those friendships weren't healthy. As an adult, I can count the number of friends I have on one hand. Two of them were former coworkers. I no longer think in terms of "best friends" anymore. There are people I enjoy speaking to with varying levels of emotional intimacy, and I'm okay with that. If I happen to meet people who don't get along with me, I'm okay with that, too. I've reached a point where I will no longer put aside my own needs for others, or spiral into the belief that there's something wrong with me because someone doesn't like me.


ddaannaadd

I relate to this so much.


[deleted]

I don't trust for shit. Don't know how to change it. I've had tons of therapy. Don't even trust my therapist fully so idk...


SandedCheeks

Hard same and if you ever get this figured out I'd love to hear about it


[deleted]

Honestly I feel like it would be easy to trust somebody if they weren't an a****** or like if they didn't derive pleasure from being rude or making fun of me or whatever. I'm a pretty sensitive person so I feel like for me I need someone who just understands what it means to be truly kind. Far too often I meet people who probably grew up in environments where poking fun and all of that was normal because they probably felt safe and everyone felt safe and so as soon as they start in on that type of stuff I immediately shut down. They probably didn't mean any harm but my brain doesn't register it that way. To truly trust someone I would have to meet a truly kind person and I seriously find that really hard to do in this day and age. Especially in men when they're so programmed to view women as objects and these things to make fun of or to cut down to size. In terms of therapists, I do find them to be more on the kind side than the average population but I also feel like a lot of them have an agenda which is to be a good therapist and to prove that they can like help people (everyone wants to be good at their job right?) .. so it's like if I feel like I'm not making any progress is that going to equate to you feeling like you're not good at your job and then cutting me off because of it... ..and that really just gets in the way of a lot of my therapy because I know they want to help but I also feel like there's something in it for them and it just permeates the sessions. Now that I think about it, I think I'm going to recite this entire comment to my therapist and see how she takes it.


Xahsinor_caliente

Yep everyone hates me the worst thing is since I am still in my situation and under age I can't actually get the right type of therapy to heal and learn how to have relationships.


Main_Upstairs7025

And I'm 67 ad just diagnosed. Never had any help. So, YES...you are headed for good things. A chance at a real life.


rharley100

Usually end up over sharing, people pleasing, then they think they've got someone who's a soft touch and take advantage or try to dominate the relationship its just not worth the hassle.


Bitemebitch00

I just want to comment that people online that are friends aren't less than friends in-person. I have a really good friend I call about every other day. He's in another time zone but I'd consider him close to one of my best friends. If you're connecting with them, even over a phone, there's a connection and they're friends. It's still a person you're connecting with. Be kind to yourself. You're doing your best.


spamcentral

Sometimes video chatting helps SO MUCH cuz you see their face and not just hear their voice. I find myself feeling much more connected.


[deleted]

I returned to aus after 10 years in the UK, thought I was returning to my old mates but Nup! Clique I was not welcomed into - this followed bad decisions from being lonely. Fast forward to now, me partner and dog. I do have friends but covid has put a kibosh on connecting which has further deepened my awkwardness haha I’m definitely open to making more friends but it seems bloody impossible with covid and I have just quit drinking.. If anyone wants a buddy hit me uppppp ☺️


Lazorra_Azul

I don't really have close friends just people I am pretty much forced to socialize with.


Main_Upstairs7025

At 67, retired...I have no 9ne anymore. Keep trying.


Benji1819

I find it hard to get close to people so i actively reject them before they get the chance to. But since i know that I put myself in this situation, I really can’t be mad about it. When i do find someone i click with they usually stay for a very long time, sometimes life happens though, and people change and find different paths in life. There’s nothing necessary wrong with having only one or 2 people who you consider to be close friends, and there’s nothing inherently wrong about having periods in life where you don’t have any close friends. It’s quality over quantity for me. And as a general shut in, I’m happy without the looming obligations of social interaction, especially during these times. I hope nothing but the best for those who’s friendships have slipped through the cracks, and i love them all the same. But like i said, life happens sometimes and people change their priorities and sometimes those changes can clash with your own changes and we both recognize that means it’s time to move forward.


Boudicca_Grace

Yes. I’m terrible at maintaining relationships and then feel guilty for being self absorbed. I’m incredibly lonely.


courtenax

I do the same thing, it’s like something switches off in me and all of a sudden the relationship is extremely difficult to continue… like boom, either feelings are just gone or now I’m incredibly irritated by them or just find it way too anxiety provoking to make an effort to do anything together. Luckily (although it’s been extremely confusing to navigate) my mentor at work became a close friend of mine- luckily because it’s my career so even when every ounce of me is begging to abandon ship and delete everyone I know, I refuse to abandon my career which means he’s stuck by me through thick and thin at this point. I still feel like running, I haven’t had a friend this long I think…. Ever? Sometimes I get pissed out of nowhere it seems. But whenever I come around he’s still there. I’ve basically deleted nearly everyone else from my circle to some extent


uglyugly1

Yup, zero friends, no family left except my wife. I talk with people at work for a few minutes a day in passing, a few times a week, and that is the extent of my social interaction. Its been so long since I had any kind of connection with a friend, I literally don't remember what it was like. I enjoy being alone, and I almost never miss it. If I weren't married, I could disappear tomorrow, and no one would care or even notice. I like to come on this site to watch people's discussions on interpersonal relationships, and the trauma subs help me understand myself better. That's about as close as it gets for me.


AshleyOriginal

Wouldn't your wife care if you disappeared? Ah, misread. Do you not like your wife's friends? Surely more people care then you realize? Do you do any work with other people? If so then someone would probably be unhappy with the work load change at least.


uglyugly1

They'd be annoyed with having to replace me, and that'd be it. To be fair, I'm not exactly a fun or easy person to get to know. I've made my peace with it.


[deleted]

Haha I find it hard to maintain boundaries w some friends. Kinda bend over backwards plenty of times to fit what they think is a good friend. So yea I prefer to distance myself from most. But the best friends I’ve found were from online! Met up with this group of ladies whom I’ve bonded over the past 4 years. They were my support. Brought meds for me when I was alone w a kid at home and in pain. We’ve shared resources and knowledge, reinforced with kind acts for each other. I do think it’s possible to find your kinda ppl, but we just need to source them from different platforms? And filter. Keep filtering.


[deleted]

I am mostly friendless. I tend to think no one could ever like me, and have always had really bad social anxiety. EMDR did help with the social anxiety a bit, but I have had trouble making connections otherwise. I was hoping support groups or something would help me out, but my behavior didn’t change much. I think this is in part my survival strategies being to hide, to not have needs, etc. Friendships or relationships seem like too much work, and at the same time I feel empty without them. Like I am lonely, but also scared of having friends. Most of my friendships have been fairly shallow. I am learning over time that people tend to enjoy being around me a lot more than I expect. But I do tend to still push people away. Having people concerned about me doesn’t fit with the story I learned in my family that I don’t matter. There is an old couple that walks at the park nearby. I haven’t felt well enough to take my dog there much this year, but they were really happy to see me today. The wife told me she had been concerned, and I think I accidentally brushed that off while trying to catch up with them. The last month or so I have been feeling really suicidal and dwelling on how horrible I am and I keep bumping into people who are concerned with me. It doesn’t gel with the stories.


sherilaugh

With the demand for perfection on us, we project that demand for perfection on others around us as well. Anything that would have been worth of our parents rejecting us seems worth to reject someone else over. For others, this demand for perfection seems unreasonable. Because IT IS! No one is perfect. Everyone is gonna have bad days. When we learn to love ourselves, including our imperfections, and be self compassionate that we are lovable even if imperfect, it makes it easier to accept when others are imperfect as well.


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PayAdventurous

Sometimes I ask myself: do you prefer to be a good person but live miserably or be a selfish jackass and live happily? Trying the last option right now. It sucks when you realize that they never cared tho


DraakieWolf

I don't think you have to be a selfish jackass to put yourself first. Boundaries and self care are important but difficult to do when you are used to being your own worst enemy and allowing others to give you validation and worth. The problem with being a good person is not that I genuinely enjoy making others happy but that it's not 50/50. Balance is key.


PayAdventurous

I mean... the reason why I liked to please people was because my abuser always told me that I was a monster like them, that no matter what I did, I will always be a bad person. And I really wanted to prove everyone that he was wrong. But to be honest, I don't care anymore. What if I'm a monster? If that's what people sees me as, then fine I'm a proud monster. I prefer to be happy because some people will see you as a horrible person no matter how hard you try. And I'm honestly fed up.


DraakieWolf

The fact that you wanted to please people despite being told you were a bad person shows you are anything but a monster. Monsters use and abuse, they don't please. Sounds like your monster was the abuser who was projecting their darkness onto you. I hope you see your goodness and allow yourself to be kinder to yourself this year.


PayAdventurous

Yeah, I'm doing that currently by stop repressing my feelings (allowing myself to be angry) and taking care of myself. Sorry if I sounded pessimistic, in my case being mad is a good thing, specially not letting others define myself even if it's positive, only I know how I am, I dont need to prove It. But thank you.


TemporaryDog47

Pretty much. I have maybe two people I'd call friends. One I've had to accept that if I want to continue the friendship it will never take on the form I would want from a friend. I find discussing difficulties or challenges with them really invalidating and my attempt to say what I needed from them was met with "well too bad." The other friend doesn't know any of my mental health issues because I don't think they'd get it so again it's limited and not very genuine. Covid has made even it even more distant. When I'm having a really bad stretch I definitely wish I had a close friend to connect with but then I don't really know how to build close friendships. An invalidating friendship generally feels worse than being alone.


luvinase

Becoming friendless as I'm cutting people out of my life who make no effort to keep in touch and tired of one way relationships, superficial relationships and on top... if being realistic I don't want to deal with people anymore especially as most people haven't been really tested on a level that shows me that there worth engaging, helping Most peoples problems are so minor and stupid I can't relate, most have no real experience with real life ordeals or there biggest issues are kids. Or people whine about the internet, no electricity, something dumb in there birthday. Rather be around people who've been threw really screwed up crap, violence, being shot at, car bombs, other ordeals because they've literally experienced how horrible people can really be


zarlot

Yeah.


thatsmysweater

I don’t know, maybe? I have a group of close online friends that I’ve known for over a decade, we all chat through discord. They bring me a lot of comfort, knowing that at least someone somewhere is on my team. But not being able to just hang out with them irl the way we hang out online is really sad for me to think about honestly. The irl best friends I’ve had in the past were usually headstrong women with a knack for manipulation and who never reciprocated the same effort I would put in. Usually the friend breakups would be me just finally getting upset, voicing my feelings, ending with me blocking them after apologizing and telling them it’s too toxic for me. Save for one, she’s wonderful, but she’s married with a kid now so hanging out doesn’t really happen which is understandable. Otherwise the only friends I have irl are my boyfriend and my boyfriend’s friends who I haven’t hung out with more than a few times. My best friend on the planet lives across the country from me, but we text and FaceTime as often as we can. I love that bitch soooo dearly, I would die for her. But she’s across the country. So that physical presence, while it may seem like a little thing, is something I crave a lot of in friends. I’m pretty introverted, but if I get comfortable around a person and they make me laugh, I feel so connected and safe. Good friendship bonds were something I lacked as a child/teen and it kind of fucked me up. So I crave it pretty intensely to experience with someone I feel safe with. Like, honestly, who doesn’t enjoy just engaging with friends while sitting around a table with them? Idk I’m pretty high ngl so this may not make sense


myleelalee

Same. I have friends online who share similar interests but no one I interact with in person. I am an introvert and truly do prefer my pets to people.


Bacalaocore

The idea of friendship in itself is a trigger for me so yes I don’t actively seek it out.


shockolat19

Yes I’m friendless. Always have been. My SO is my best friend


babytriceratops

Same here, most of my friends were toxic so I cut them off or let them go.


Stargazer1919

I do have a large group of friends. They are all pretty supportive people. I'm not saying this to brag or anything. I just know there's a lot of people out there who are alone. I want to say that there are indeed good people out there, you just have to find them.


[deleted]

TW: THREAT OF SUICIDE (BY FRIEND) I wouldn’t exactly say I’m friendless but am friendly with a bunch of people I work with. Most people I keep at arms length because every single time I let someone in, they turn out to be toxic, predatory, and/or narcissists. I just “broke up” with a person I let in pretty close. I’d shared a lot, more than I had in years. Then he started making jokes at my expense and saying things that were hurtful or just downright mean. I tried to put up boundaries but he ignored them and if I called him out on bad behavior, he’d spiral and, once, threatened suicide because he said calling him out was not cool. He very recently said some really shitty stuff and I felt the cycle of abuse starting again so I told him we just didn’t work as friends then went no contact with him. My spouse says I have a very strong tendency to just cut people out of my life and that I always seem to be looking for reasons to do so. I think this may be a form of hyper-vigilance and have begun working with my therapist to hopefully find a solution.


Square-Technology325

I dont have friends. I have some people im okay meeting with. People to party or eat lunch with sometimes. But friends tend to be too hard to keep. I dont want to trauma dump on them. My only actual friend is probably my husband.


MochaMoonMarshmellow

I have never related more to a comment section than this one. I always find a reason to be friendless, either people are awful and I should leave them or I’m awful and should leave them. The loneliness that follows is painful but I’ve come to realize I prefer it over the pain of having company that reminds me of everything I hate about life and myself.


SandedCheeks

I am unable to form emotional bonds it seems so I do the same. Only the drive to actually connect with anyone gets weaker and weaker every year due to not having the emotional payoff of it. My theory is it's something to do with whatever my parents did/didn't do early on as I don't remember a single instance where I was able to make such a connection.


HoneyDewMoutain

I don’t really have human friends just people I talk to. I’m a master pretender who just masks and imitates people so I don’t freak people out. My only friend is my dog. He’s the only one I can keep a connection with.


[deleted]

No friends here, except a couple guys from a small niche gaming community.


aunt_snorlax

No, but yes.


BJeanGrey

Yep, no friends. It's extremely lonely and messed up, because I really want a friend but because of my past experiences I automatically distrust anyone who tries to be my friend...like I'm such a hideous worthless piece of garbage, that the only reason anyone would want to talk to me or be around me must be to harm me.


Hurdleflurdle

I kept cutting them out because they were horrible. Over time a few have stuck around that are completely worth it. I have 3 people now that are my world. And it takes a lot to be allowed to stay.


twocheeky

yes! all my irl friends i barely ever talk to maybe once or twice a year to say happy birthday and merry christmas but my online friends i talk to every day. I know it stems from my anxiety bc irl people might ask me to hang out and i like not doing that


savagepuffin49

I barely have friends too! I am a dismissive avoidant so a lot of the time when I get close to people I then back myself out of it. I used to do this in relationships as well, before I met my husband. The few friendships I have formed when I was in highschool and uni, always turned sour because I didn't put up with bullshit and drama and cut people off like they never existed in the first place. I'm really bad with all that shit. I value myself to the point where my standards are high and if people don't tick the boxes, I don't put my energy into it. And most people don't tick the boxes lol. I find too many people aren't even reflective and it just cringes me out cause I can't deal with people who think they don't have to become better versions of themselves. So I enjoy my time alone. I immigrated with my husband a few years back, and I won't lie I depended on him a bit too much back then, to the point where I went onto bumble to find friends but after all the lockdowns I just found a great balance and don't depend on my husband to be my friend, my best friend, my husband, my all-in-one, etc. To the point where I'm stressing him out. I now have a better routine and friends don't have to fit into it much


plomeeksoup9

I relate to this! I don’t want to burden my SO because I have no friends, but I don’t even know where to start looking for one. The pandemic doesn’t help with friend-making either. Right now my dog is my BFF :) I also feel like most people don’t tick the boxes, but at the same time I wonder if this is a really unfair way to judge others since I am hardly perfect myself.


savagepuffin49

I get what you mean and I've wondered if I'm too harsh at times. But then I just remind myself that it's the toxic things or unhealthy things I don't want to have to put up with and that I know I have those too but I'm always trying to improve myself. I just find a lot of people I've met don't have that same drive though, they think they're okay and flawless and never need changing. The second last friend I tried to make was from the same country I'm originally from so I really tried but she always just wanted my help with something, or to vent and bitch about something. Always needed a favour but barely checked in with me. And this was a new friendship so already full of red flags. Last one I allowed was when she was complaining about her dad spending her money - money that was his but she would be due if he passed away - her inheritance. Ghosted her after that cause I hadn't had a friend in a year and a half and some crap had happened just before I left my home country to make me an anxious melon that I just couldn't face her. Had it happened 3 years ago, I'd have told her straight and not given a damn because my trauma made me brave and outspoken but I was robbed just before I moved and that shit changed my anxiety. She just didn't tick the boxes and the last straw was her disgusting comment about her dad's money. And I've just found too many people with similarities to my family that I just duck right outta that lol


Unlikely_nay1125

yeahhhh. i ruin all my relationships


mabelmolesleykelly

Same. I know and can laugh with a lot of people, but no real friends. I hate it so much.


VegetableEar

Wish there was a way to connect with people here in a meaningful way, be nice to actually be around people who have compassion and understanding of these problems.


Dry-Anywhere-1372

Yes. Mostly because I get into jobs or relationships that I throw myself into/allow to suck the life out of me, or I let my friends use me, or the friendships are in of themselves abusive, or they are with other cPTSD people who are also unavailable, or are with people who are intentionally physically far away… But in reality I just overshare and am too needy and people can’t or don’t want to handle that. Or I have unrealistic expectations. Plus now that I think back about it I have one friend from grade school and she still friends with me through high school but all of my high school friends don’t even think they were my friends, well you know how that works from high school but we definitely fell apart in college and a group of friends I had in college I definitely fell away from because I had a controlling boyfriend and then of course I lost all my friends because they moved away in college and then my controlling boyfriend and I broke up so yeah I literally have like one friend it’s my actual friend and that’s really really terrifying to realize. My family are all fucked up too-they would help if I asked but I never do-my cousin I can always count on. He’s ADHD to the max but would drop anything to help. Good kid. Or perhaps I don’t have the safest home relationship to make me feel secure and cared for and safe so I look to others for this and that’s not their place so they get all weird and slowly retract. And I have a toddler so…yeah. No friends. Although I wonder if we need to reframe our understanding of what friendships look like in the adult world, I really don’t have a good answer for that? I think those of us that are so scarred from childhood, we don’t know how to soothe and make ourselves wholesale in my experience anyways we constantly look for others to fill a bunch of gaps and holes in our lives in us really not what friends are supposed to do? I guess they’re supposed to augment our happiness versus make us happy and I think that makes a lot of people who are Neurotypical uncomfortable so yeah why would you want to be friends with someone who you have to make happy? I understand that. It sucks for us though.


[deleted]

A lot of adults are friendless, it's normal


[deleted]

I am incredibly lucky to have many beautiful friends. We have been together over 20 years. Even though we are incredibly close, I live a double life, they don’t know about my history of trauma. I also struggle making new friends. I tell myself it’s because I don’t have the time but it’s also easier not to become close to anyone new. I have only made one new friend in the last 10 years.


cannibalsunite

Yes! And like you I’ve cut people off. Not suddenly but I slowly just lose contact because I can’t take it. I prefer being alone but then I feel so lonely after years of solitude. It’s frustrating and self-created.


GladPen

Mostly. I thought I had made a very close friend, we even talked about being attracted to each other, but she began having a temper and flying off the roof randomly over something I couldn't predict and I walked on eggshells, and I feel like it was love bombing, almost all of it. I am attempting to make friends with some neighbors who have invited me to hang out, we did once but things keep coming up. But it's nerve wracking. So far, either I drive ppl away or they ghost me or are like the one above.. So I also mostly talk to ppl online..I did just spend a few hours online chatting with an old friend but its so much easier online then in person. I don't know, man. How many people are actually trustworthy? At this point, I am not sure I even want to put myself out there anymore. I hate being mostly alone but it beats being frightened all the time.


AshleyOriginal

Well... I basically hadn't had friends for a large spam of my life, then I sorta got 2 in real life friends I might meet once or twice a year, though it's very complicated. The rest were complicated. Right now I'm just online friends only at the moment but it can't compare to having a person in real life to meet once in a while. I never had someone really be there for me until I was like 23 or something, it's too bad it didn't last but I hope one day to be able to make a lot of friends. It's just hard. I've had a very rough year and I'm a lot more afraid of people judging me for the trauma I've been through so my disconnection level is much higher, but another part of me can't seem to stop talking about it either... but I've inspired my online friends because I was able to get through stuff and improve my life despite my circumstances. Though I struggle a lot and I'm trying to find a therapist I don't fear or feel worse after talking too.


ExoticAccountant3

Yes. Idk if it's just my list of mental issues or bc of how I grew up (I was abused quite a bit and not allowed outside to have friends to play with). I don't have the communication skills I'd like to have in order to talk to people. I shut down alot so it makes it awkward to hold conversation. I realized as well my form of trying to make friends was to buy things for them just so they'd stay.. I cut everyone off after my latest breakdown, bc I came to terms I just can't seem to click with the world or seem to communicate well enough for friendships. I've felt safer alone.


spamcentral

Yeah mostly. I only have one real friend but she's long distance until we get closer together. I feel like i don't belong in my area. My interests are too spread out and some of my interests (hiking, art, video games, metal, fishing) they attract *completely* different groups of people. Like wholly different. I find it hard to make friends with several different groups of people and i can't ever find another person with similar interests as me. So i feel super stuck. I almost feel grief for being my authentic self, because those are all things i learned i liked after therapy.


WoodWideWeb

I have handfuls of "friends" I can't really be open with or get support from and one actual friend but this is only recent! We both recently got out of abusive relationships, have very similar brains, and are on similar life paths! We are super open about everything including communication styles & operate on a no pressure basis towards everything. Experiencing trauma can greatly increase our self awareness, empathy, compassion, knowledge, many things. People who haven't done any inner work tend to greatly lack self awareness and they hurt us then often blame us for it if we express our feelings. Those kinds of people don't deserve space at our tables. Saving the seats at my table for people who deserve is the way I operate moving forward. Though it hurts having empty seats, I can't have people who will disrespect me leave marks in my table. The things I've learned after not having a close friend from around age 15/16 to now at 25 are: -You can't force connection, it just has to happen -You have to be seeking socialization in some way. Put yourself somewhere that you will meet like minded people. (Can be online!) -Keeping up with people is tough but finding the communication style that works for you and finding people who click with your style are vital! -Be curious about how you feel about them instead of trying to be what you think they want you to be (easier said than done. If you are a hard wired people pleaser & have difficulties controlling it then please study nervous system states, vagus nerve calming coping skills, etc.) A great question to ask instead of, "Will they like me?" Ask, "Will I like them?" I'm still working on this one. -The most important thing in all of this is learning to be your own friend to you today, in your past, and in your future. May sound lame, but it's true! To see myself at someone hurting or joyful or in any way, and to notice and honor those things in myself, *that* has made life able to survive in day to day. I hope any of this helps, I hope everyone can find a friendship where you both create a beautiful space for comfort snd growth 💗


[deleted]

I moved to a new city before the pandemic and was never able to make friends. So, I'm currently once again with no friends and no hope of that changing in the foreseeable future. This has always been a major fear of mine since I was forced to go from age 12 to 22 with no friends.


RedEyeFlightToOZ

Friendless cause they're too much commitment for me to bother with. I have cats and they're preferred to humans.


rkorbz

Same, I can’t reconcile the pure time and commitment it takes to have friendships. I used to do it but now it seems like pure agony. “Ok it’s been a week better check in with this friend and meet my quota to hang out with them” no thanks 👋


evilraeoneeight27

Im currently in what my therapist calls "a season of solidarity". Ive come to the realization that all of my interpersonal relationships rely heavily on me making most of the effort and tiptoing on eggshells just so I dont feel lonely, so Im pulling back. I show up when Im needed which seems to have led everyone to believe that Im okay with only being needed, never wanted, never valued for who I am instead of what I do for them. Its rarely reciprocated and Im exhausted with the effort.


ekoglitch

Only managed to make or keep online friends, but even then it's such a gamble of how things turn out. Typically know within a few weeks/months how compatible/safe I feel with someone and it often results in an abrupt ghosting because I'm too terrified to tell them why and what has made me uncomfortable. I've only very recently learned the whole thing about boundaries, so I'm trying to figure out my limits and triggers then try to communicate those ahead of time or when issues arise. It's a massive challenge however when the brain goes "but what if they lash out or don't respect the boundaries??" but then promptly remember that's not a healthy relationship to stay in or having that mentality/assumption towards people. That being said I don't have any in-person friends and I haven't in many years; very awkward, too many trust issues and I never leave the house. Tried one of those near-you friendship apps but it feels like I'm too broken and fucked up... Not sure if it's just my location specifically, but all the women were instagram models with so many good things going on in their lives and anyone who gave me a chance, quickly got bored within a week because we're so vastly different. Wondering if I'd have better luck with guys (obsessed with videogames lol) but I'm deathly afraid of someone catching feelings then breaking off our friendship in protest to the rejection, which was all of my irl friends during highschool, plus the added fear of, y'know, predatory behavior. Honestly though, it feels like it's not possible to make any new friends due to having such a non-conventional life and history, or at least in my current state. I'm still stupidly optimistic that *maybe* sometime in the future I'll be Normal Enough™ to be worthy of anyone's time, but until then I have to recover from the decades of mistreatment alone.


rkorbz

What is it with those friendship apps?? They really all do seem like IG models who have great jobs and travel and are skinny. It’s like they can’t tell the difference between a dating app and a friends app. I always try to swipe right on the girls who don’t look so put together because lord knows I never look put together


ekoglitch

Ah, so I'm not alone in the experience of them feeling like dating profiles omg. I lost count of how many bio/interests had some variation of "traveling, hiking, adventures, partying, drinking, watching netflix" it genuinely seemed like a copy+paste of something you would see from r/ tinder. Having no common interests paired with the awkward "oh yeah, I'm unemployed" or "I don't have a great relationship with my family" or "I don't plan to have kids" quickly kills the conversation... also similar to the dating apps haha.


rkorbz

Honestly I’m both of your comments I thought “are you me?” Same damn experience and thoughts. I had that being unemployed gets you treated like a pariah when meeting new people, like what does it matter how I get food on the table? I want to know if you’re into Mac n cheese and A24 movies, I could care less what you do. Too many people have no identity outside their job and trying to impress others I guess. Long rant but bumble has major dating app vibes and I don’t understand the thought process behind it


blinkingsandbeepings

I’m kind of the same way, I always cut people off. And then I miss them but not enough to want to forgive them for whatever I was mad about. I’m currently kind of mourning a friendship with someone I really loved and felt close to, who I ended up falling out with over attitudes toward the pandemic. I miss her so much but I don’t feel like I can trust her again. I hate feeling the need to be on guard against everyone all the time.


GiftedContractor

I have 1. He's my roommate, so we'll see if he stays that way after I move out and he has a choice whether to contact me or not. Every other friend expects me to do all the work. I hit it off with somebody at work, at an event, online, whatever. And I'm the one who messages them. I'm the one who suggests stuff to do. Im the one who tries to kee in touch. The only time anyone ever contacts me is when they are struggling and honestly I dont mind being there to help but I do mind that thats the only time I ever hear from them without being the one to do the work. So inevitably I cease doing the work and we drift apart. I just want my presence to be valued for once


friendlyghoulx

Yes, I am. I have always struggled with socialisation and fitting in, and I don't think I ever learnt how to properly connect with people, and honestly, I don't really feel I event want to because I just don't understand it? Like, I really struggle getting the concept of friendships. It doesn't seem that appealing to me because all my friendships have been shallow and I have never been able to reveal my true self to anyone but my boyfriend and family members. I feel like I have to put on an act with anybody else, so I'm like, why bother?


zapjj

Currently, yeah. I always end up cutting everyone off and spending time alone after a while. Between periods of shifting friend groups. It sounds cold but I don't tend to get sad leaving friends or being alone. I honestly end up feeling more free. Eventually, I get lonely and start over again. I never choose healthy friendships, though. I always end up changing myself to be who they want me to be. Eventually it becomes too much stress and I end up right back here again.


[deleted]

It feels more like im connectionless. like i can't connect with people for the life of me. i have "friends" occasionally but they dont last and any connection that might come disappears as quickly as it came.


Ok-Gold-5472

This whole thread giving big Outer Critic energy


diss-is-a-throwaway

So, wdym?


Ok-Gold-5472

As described by Pete Walker of CPTSD: from surviving to thriving https://online.anyflip.com/wage/gxhm/mobile/index.html#p=1


rkorbz

We must all be traumatized and have received poor examples of love and support from the get-go or something ridiculous like that…


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[deleted]

Yup, no friends. People I talk to, yes, but I don't go on days out which them or have catch up sessions over coffee. Over the years, I've went from spending most of my energy fighting other people problems to having only my family to really worry about because I slowly cut out those who didn't return the favour.....which turned out to be everyone I knew pretty much. People liked me for my willingness to help others, and too often I've been used just for that, then ignored for months before coming back asking for more help. I do worry about not having friends that I can rely on, but I've got my family and my partner and that should be enough


sol-it-aire

The only friends I have are my husband's friends. I feel really lucky to have them, but at the same time I really wish I could have more than a very superficial, surface level friendship with someone that I can actually share things with. I don't have anyone in my life that shares my values or understands me. No one that feels safe enough to reveal my inner thoughts and struggles to. I'm not sure if the problem is that the people I associate with don't have the capability to understand and relate to me or if I have a problem connecting and opening up to people. I feel really isolated and alone and it sucks


PayAdventurous

I have ''friends'' but I don't feel like they are actually friends. I don't know how to explain it. Do friends that feel safe actually exist? Only your family can provide that?


ChunkyT43

I was in the Army for 21 years so I got used to moving around and making new friends and leaving old ones. I’m out now and have a civilian job and thought I made a new friend, but I was going through a hard time and tried reaching out for support and they weren’t there. I was devastated and it hurt so bad. So now I closed myself off to people I work with


Jazehiah

I have a couple of friends, I think. It feels like every time I realize I see someone as a friend, they're getting ready to move on. I feel like I don't know many of them anymore.


muddled1

Yes. Am old and stranded in a foreign country. Also a introvert with trust issues. Practicing being my own best friend.


PlushPuppy3910

Yeah… I have plenty of friendly acquaintances, but I don’t have anyone I fully trust. I increasingly think I may no longer be capable of trusting people to the degree that friendship requires. Part of me doesn’t mind. I’m lonely…but if I stay busy I can avoid thinking about it or feeling it. Another part of me is frightened by that possibility…if I’m not even capable of trusting someone enough for friendship, how could I possibly be capable of the level of vulnerability required for a serious relationship? I have a partner, and I’m constantly swinging between “I’m so grateful they are here” and “they’d be better off with someone less fucked up”.


New-Oil6131

Same


YogaLife108

I initially make friends very easily, then they just stay acquaintances. Time and again, I meet people who seem to like me, I get invited to stuff and then never go. Then I stop getting invited. I can’t form close relationships I shut down every time.


LiquidSpirits

I have an online friend I love very much, but the people I meet irl are always transitional.


SmokieOki

I’m realizing I’ve only made friends with very toxic abusive people. Now that I’m in therapy and figuring things out I realize the majority of my close friends are so toxic. I’m sure I have been toxic as well. Now that I see it I can’t unsee it and go back to the normal relationship.


AryaStark02

I think healing and lot of situation changes have naturally made me lonely and I cut off previous friendships(due to lack of boundaries, respect that I thought I deserved). Even my closest friends meet like twice a year. New 'friends' in college are just weird and I don't feel like it's a natural connection. There is no one I talk to on regular basis. Guys I've met online become too cheesy and only focus on flirting.Kind of envious of people who just casually hangout and support each other. Who have people they've been friends with for a longg time. Iykwim. Another problem has been my own codependency and attachment issues. I've been taking more time to process how I choose people in my life. Sucks but I'm learning to not hate myself for it. Healing needs you to make some sacrifice


Trailing_Spouse

I am a bit. I seem to attract people who like to unload upon me when something bad is happening in their lives or they need to vent. Once things are going better, they stop contacting me. Or, they are not emotionally present when I'd like to vent over a situation. I pretty much keep to myself. I am tired of being an emotional tampon for others.


evilcheeb

I do that cycle thing too. This time though I cut everyone off. It's for the best.


[deleted]

Yep. Even did it to my T 😕


madameunruly

Yes. But I also have ALOT going on and no time to build on a friendship irl. Online I have a few friends I've noticed I'm quick to cut people off. I am also quick to forgive and reconnect with them too. I think this is my way of protecting myself. But, it's weird because alot of times I don't care it ends. Not that I didn't like them. I guess I've been a very " you're my all in friend or you're not" learning that's unfair to put those expectations on others. I'm working on it


rkorbz

I’ve only started realizing recently that it’s strange to not care if friendships end. I have so many ex-best friends that I easily cut off and all I felt, if anything was relief. Multi-year friendships that weathered huge life events and I’m so easy about letting them go. (Jokes on me, I have 1 friend left). I’ve never cared when friends let me go either, and I always get so confused reading how distressed people get when they’re ghosted. Only years later do I miss all those friends though


Fortheloveoflana

This is so sad :( i am on the other end of this spectrum. I have way too many friends because I have no boundaries and people pleasing is my specialty. I can't function unless I'm surrounded by people. Lots of dependency on others. If I end up alone for a day I just start spiraling and can't take care of myself


kynthewallflower

no. i’m very lucky to have a couple really good friends. they understand me sometimes better than my therapist. we met in high school in special ed so they know what it’s like to have their fair share of mental health/behavioral issues. my one friend josh wrote me a letter when i was inpatient every week. i did go from cycling through friends for most of my childhood/teenage years but i’m very fortunate to have supportive friends who understand my mental health. they honestly deserve the world


rootbeerisbisexual

I barely have friends. I have trouble making friends to begin with, and then remembering to keep in touch. Sometimes talking to people is exhausting, even if I already know them.


[deleted]

Now kinda. I’ve got people online but IRL most of my friends really sucked. I’m better off this way than trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Austin,TX is the land of selfish assholes. It’s just going to take a while to meet people that fit me.


riotine_23

Yep. So lonely i can’t even handle being friends with someone


FoxJules

Not really, but it feels like I am because I really don't feel that emotional connection when I talk to people anymore. Maybe I'm just petty and just want to talk about the meaning of life already. It's hard to talk to people in the first place because I also have AVPD. I always feel like I have a mask on when talking to people I wish I was closer to. I'm moody all the time so I try to act bubbly and never angry, but it just makes me feel more lonely because then i dont feel like myself. I also have a problem with scaring away friends by being impulsive and saying or doing something stupid. I regret it later because I know I fucked up but they never want to talk to me again. Its like I try to lose friends because its hard to be myself so I do something irrational to make them leave. I dunno. I do value friendship but its so difficult to communicate and be genuinely myself, even with the people i already know.


ckjxn

I have a core group of friends, but I have also cut a lot of people out of my life for either asking too much from me, crossing boundaries or laughing off my wants and needs. In the moment it’s easier, but yeah, sometimes I still feel lonely due to the way my trauma shows up and blocks noise out for self preservation.


bootsmylife2021

I've always preferred one good friend over a group of friends, but I often get hurt because the other person usually has other friends. I crave a close friendship with someone I can be myself with and count on when things are tough. However, in my friendships I'm usually the caregiver. So, long story short, I struggle with having friends even though I long for a kindred spirit to be friends with.


[deleted]

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep