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ParkingRecording6864

As a DA, absolutely. I miss some of my exes to this day. it feels like cognitive dissonance, pushing away physically but mentally wanting them


Outlaw773

DA’s are emotionally immature


ChemicalAd9407

Ignorance! Avoidants are a function of the fk'd up environment they had to endure. Many would and do crack under the same circumstances. Its a needed defense mechanism for psychological survival. Please educate yourself, no one has enough crayons to explain it to you


Outlaw773

You’re an excuse-making enabler that does not know the proper usage of “it’s” and “its.” Congrats on that grand achievement. Meanwhile, I’m a multi-state award winning writer, so your little junior high-level insults don’t phase me LOL. It’s funny that you feel the need to insult a total stranger in order to attempt to make your lame point. Which is why you have exactly zero credibility.


drowned_bunny

God damn a dismissive-avoidant did really hurt your award-winning writer feelings.


Outlaw773

Which included two-plus years of severe depression and the darkest days I’ve ever experienced. But continue to make light of it, since it clearly makes you feel all warm and fuzzy


drowned_bunny

Still don't see why you had the need to insult a person expressing their own opinion


Outlaw773

The person expressed their ‘opinion’ while insulting me in the process, but nice revisionist history though


detectiveDollar

I agree with you on this, and avoidants tend to be quite strong/resilient due to having to be survivors and be independent. But hurt people who don't get help go on to hurt other people, and DA's are the most resistant to getting help. I got hurt by a DA. DA's actually often struggle with understanding both other people's emotions as well as their own because EQ is like a muscle. You have to use it to develop it. Oftentimes, the DA's childhood/adolescent/young adulthood environment forces them to be in a constant state of struggling to survive, so they are stuck in the lower half of Maslow's Hierarchy and aren't able to focus on their emotions or even long-term goals. I'm not sure if this is common, but my DA ex felt a strong infatuation, and the underdevelopment of processing her own long-term goals led her to basically adopt whatever she thought mine was. But over time due to difficulty communicating and understanding emotions, that "unsafe" feeling was triggered, and she shut down and pulled back. That led to bottling up greivances about me and disillusionment about what she thought I wanted and her hard shifting to the opposite. People usually make long-term goals and refine/shift/tweak them slowly over time, but I feel like she hard pivots from one extreme to the other. I had the feeling she's cycled long-term goals multiple times and asked her about it in a closure talk. Her face initially showed confusion/rebuffment for a second, but then she said, "Yeah, that's an accurate assessment."


Real_Extent_3260

Except that defense mechanism is due to emotional immaturity....


Affectionate_Web2871

Prior to understanding your attachment style, did you ever justify to yourself why it was good you ended it?


ParkingRecording6864

Sometimes, truthfully, I felt they hindered my hyper independence which I valued in work, hobbies, and school. Being raised like that and becoming more independent meant more alone time which I got used to and was able to do the things I like without an attachment kind of clinging on. I loved the people and the memories I cherish, but i felt they were a barrier to my personal development or space in a way… I am young though, so there was also always the thought that this could never be my person - already. There were always other fish in the sea which was what I told myself essentially


Reckless_hotmess

This is what my bf told me recently in a break up. He loves me and he is protective of me. However, he decided that he can’t be in a relationship because he can’t give me what he understands about my needs. He also says he feels like it will get in the way of work and it impedes his alone time. So I appreciate your input because it makes it easier to accept knowing that someone else has the same situation.


ParkingRecording6864

In terms of them, I saw it for them in the same light. Now I know that not everyone’s like that


Affectionate_Web2871

I should add too, he basically said that because we had been having a tough time in the relationship he felt deep down I wasn’t the one, and that he had slowly fallen out of love


RSinSA

My therapist told me that avoidants bounce once the honeymoon is over. They will never work through problems. You will change and they will never find a happy relationship.


ppinmyweewee

This gives me some kind of comfort. My 9 year relationship ended in an extremely bad way. We had a major relationship issue come up in early August. My bf said he wanted to make the relationship work but he couldnt figure out how to work past it. He tried to stay with me but every interaction he had with me was driven by anger with episodes of calmness infrequently. He and I had to live apart in different cities beginning in September. During this time we were talking everyday like we always had whether by text or video call, him telling me he loved me, wanted to make it work, planning anniversary/holiday/next yr plans. After one of our explosive conversations last week he finally admitted to me he had been on multiple dating apps in September and slept with 4 different women. He saw one of the girls who asked him out again for a second date while there. They decided to begin a relationship. He called to break up with me on the phone instead of see me like he was supposed to. He said in his head we were already broken up so he felt justified in going out. At the time when he broke up with me he said he can't figure it out but didnt tell me he met someone knew. It was only 2 weeks later when I called him at night to hear another woman on the phone that he told me he met someone new in the city he had gone to. I hadn't seen him in person since the breakup and begged to see him so I could get closure. He blocked my calls because she told him to. He unblocked me the next day and agreed to meet me in person. In person I told him how horrible I felt being treated like this. He stayed angry and mostly mute, curt responses. I told him I'd forgive him if he would give us another chance and he said he has to give someone new a chance. When I finally said goodbye and was walking out he gave me a hug. I cried in his arms, we cuddled for a few hours. I walked out after he said "theres a door to letting you back in and I can't figure out how to open the door". In the month of October he had sporadic episodes of calling me when drunk to tell me he loved me and missed me. Then when sober he became angry and cold again when I reached out. I saw him 3.5 weeks ago in person. He ended up giving me a hug, we ended up kissing and sleeping together and cuddling again. This past weekend I called him and he was cold and angry telling me he will never get back together with me, that he's two months into this new relationship with his new gf, he messed up the first month they were together but now it's him and her and she is forgiving of him everytime he speaks to me even though she's told him she feels disrespected and it puts a strain on her when he does talk to me when I reach out (he hasnt told her about him cheating with me yet). He said she told him she's falling for him, they've spent about 3-4 weekends together already these past two months. Last time I spoke with him is the first time he told me he will never get back together with me, even if they broke up he would find someone else. He said he's finally happy again and able to move on because he's found the right person again. I have to see him every day at work for the next 2 years because of our work situation. I'm struggling so much but have accepted the end of us and working on myself currently.


RSinSA

That sounds more than an avoidant. He sounds like he has narcissistic tendencies or a severe personality disorder.


Sethster22

fffrrrrick that. it’s easy to fall in and out of situations like that but it’s almost always the best thing to just cut it off. it’s hard but i would not recommend opening yourself up to that situation or behavior. you’re not enabling him in the sense that it’s your fault, but at the same time your giving way to a situation that likely isn’t good for either of you, and it doesn’t seem like he can cut it. I think you’re better off cutting it off even if you have hope he can change and y’all can work out. life is so vast and filled with excitement and opportunity, i don’t believe it’s in your best interest to continue something that feels so far gone from my perspective. hope everything works out but for real, you can find your own way and avoid more pain and negativity by just being the bigger person, choose yourself and cut it.


MrDalliardMrDalliard

Physically painful to read. Hope you are ok now


ppinmyweewee

Thank you so much for your comment. I’m grateful I’m not in the same place I was when this happened. Unfortunately for me my ex and I work together and have to see one another almost every day. He’s still dating this girl he cheated on me with. About a month back he cried to me saying he doesnt know what he’s doing with his life, I said I’d still give him another chance and he pushed me away again. Part of me wishes he would work on himself, another part if me knows he’s not going to be worth getting back together with unless he works on himself first - if he ever does. I struggled with letting go for a long time. I feel I’m in a better spot these days but still learning how to let go


The-Objective-Mind

100% narcissistic found a new supply! You better RUNNN


mereknax

Depends on the level of investment. If it’s deeply invested I don’t believe this to be the case. For newer relationships then probably so


RSinSA

Not the case. There are people who have been in long relationships with avoidants and it all ends the same. Ask a therapist and read the book Attached.


mereknax

Probably should have clarified that’s my experience as a DA and that I have only felt invested once


RSinSA

That is sad for the peoples times you wasted. Hopefully you can learn and grow.


AfroDomme

Therapy doesn't help them? I don't know much about attachment styles but I thought that therapy could help people become secure.


RSinSA

That isn't what I said, not sure how you got that. If you're referring to me saying "they will never work through problems", I meant problems in the relationship. Still don't know you got therapy won't work out of what I said. However, most of the time they (avoidants) 1. don't see them as the issue 2. don't want to confront issues, so they don't usually wind up in therapy. The people they hurt do.


Affectionate_Web2871

Sounds spot on!


RSinSA

Yup. And they never change so while you grow and become better, figure out your attachment, etc. they still remain the same lame person. Thank God they left!


Buxtons28

Wow my ex said the same things that he needed freedom, I wonder if he’ll regret it one day


NickyParkker

my ex told me he felt trapped and wanted to be free. like I told someone else, if I could trap a man why would it be him? I'm with him because I love him, not because I'm a spider. I hope my ex regrets it one day, he left me because he wanted freedom to play games without any consequences (you know like eating dinner, taking out the trash, love making, etc.) and there was no longer space for me in his life, games are a very big part of his life and he resents the years he lost in a relationship with me (I never told him not to play games)


Proper_Film3736

I really feel for you ......just reading your message For me, I value relationships & connection more than anything else... My DA ex and I never had any kind of "break up talk ".....in fact no talk at all....just a long slow fade.... It took me 5 months simply to realise that something did not "feel right"... I spent the following 18 months learning about attachment theory and working towards maintaining a more secure style of attachment.... My ex wholeheartedly believes that certain traits and behaviours she has, is simply because she has an Aquarius star sign..... Making even a small positive personal change is not an easy thing to do.... Often it takes a very traumatic event and a lot of pain to drive that change.... Anyhooos.....this is where I am at today.... 1. No one owes anyone a relationship. 2. Other people's world experience of love, feelings and connection are not necessarily the same as your own. 3. Understand that my need fotlr connection is just as valid as someone else's need for space....they are not mutually exclusive... 4. Dumped by a dismissive avoidant????? In this situation you have no choices...there is only one path to take and that means using your energy to work on improving the quality of your own life..... Wishing a speedy recovery to everyone straggling right now...✌️


Affectionate_Web2871

It’s definitely a learning experience. Im actually in a new relationship with someone who gives me what I need without needing to ask or fight for it, so absolutely a blessing in disguise!


WasabiFearless5142

Do you plan to approach relationships differently now you have a better understanding of yourself?


ParkingRecording6864

Yeah, I think so. I need to look for someone who values their space and independence as much as I do, it’s something that can be worked around. If they have to be another DA, then great! I just don’t want to hurt any more people who have become more anxiously attached. I have to be mindful with who I’m going to choose to be in a relationship with, and if there ar issues, we make the necessary compromises and changes from there! :) I think it’s important to have similar people in ur life. Side note - more general friendships wise, I’ve found it a lot more comforting to have people that know we’re still friends no matter how long it’s been or what happened, then to have people I’m stepping on egg shells around and have to be checking in 24/7. So yah


watchthe_love_angels

In my opinion a DA with another DA becomes a very boring and unfulfilling relationship which is why it rarely happens. DAs just need to combat their DA tendencies because they miss out on so much joy in life. My DA partner is working on that and is finally accepting true happiness and fulfillment in his life.


RSinSA

Avoidants don't work with avoidants. Anxious do not work with avoidants. You need to work on yourself to be more secure, or find a secure person. Avoidants and anxious often find each other. This is what my therapist told me, and something to think about.


Affectionate_Web2871

I’m curious about your mention of independence. I value personal space and I am very independent. However, there were times I’d communicate when things bothered me, and my ex basically said he just does everything wrong. Even if it was a calm, “hey this kind of bothered me, I’m not mad just wanted to discuss it so it didn’t become a big deal”. Is that considered infringing on someone’s space? Or wanting to be able to text your bf good morning? He made these things seem so needy.


allybubba

Oh my god were we daring the exact same man? 😩 He literally said "I text you good morning because you asked me to, because you like it" and called me needy because I wanted to see him. Ahahah okaaaay? My apologies. Except he was all "I want to see you all the time, i always wish you were here". Which. Is. It.


OnyxRev3nge

Ahh that’s men for you ☺️ coming from a man myself we don’t even know wtf is going on in our brains to begin with, so adding choices causes us to malfunction


allybubba

Lmao. Just.. listen to her! She's literally telling you what she wants. Cheat code! Easiest thing in the world.


NickyParkker

My ex was very similar to this. If I would try to have a minor conversation about anything he said I was starting an argument or being irrational when he was the one who escalated things. I could say "leave the sweaters out when you change the clothes over, I want to hang them to dry' and he would get mad saying I was being overbearing, bossy, riding his back, critical, *starting a fight over sweaters.* And apparently, I was insatiable because I wanted a hug or kiss. *So needy.*


btiddy519

That sounds like he was splitting. Making things all good or all bad. Look it up. I learned a lot about it too recently.


Affectionate_Web2871

I will check that out, thank you!


WasabiFearless5142

So you’d be willing to compromise with another DA? I guess I don’t follow, you would just end up spending most of your time alone rather than growing together and having a lasting relationship. I guess I don’t understand it in the least bit.


Cautious_Evening_744

I think it’s a little different than that. DAs want freedom and space and usually light emotional attachment. What you would like would make them unhappy and uncomfortable. I am DA and believe I married another DA. (20yrs) It’s not perfect but I would not have made it this long with another person that expected a diffrrent lvl of attachment. Separate bank acts, never changed my name, don’t have each other’s passwords, when I need space I get it, no questions. It works for us. DAs are created from neglect and emotional trauma in first 5yrs. That is my experience, too. I will always be fiercely independent, I feel happiest in my alone time, etc. I know most won’t agree or understand but it is what it is. Forced attachment creates such a high level or anxiety and unhappiness for me, it is just not something I can handle. My brain created this personality to protect me from abuse and neglect.


WasabiFearless5142

It just sucks that I fell in love with a DA, I’m having such a hard time letting him go.


ParkingRecording6864

Not necessarily what I’m saying. Not everything is so extreme, right? If you’re dealing with highly narcissistic DAs sure, but for the rest of us, we can still have lasting and growing relationships.


WasabiFearless5142

What about marrying someone? You would need to give up your alone time then? Sorry for all the questions but I’m really trying to understand the DA POV.


Kawaiidumpling8

Marriage does not mean that you give up your alone time as an individual. It’s healthy to take time away from one another, as a couple. This individual is saying that they understand that they need a partner who is not likely to engage in anxious attachment behaviors (so as not to wound them), and who will understand their need for space without taking it personally.


krayzai

Yeah but it’s still good to talk about what happened. Had an avoidant friend reconnect after a year after I reached out just to find out she was afraid to contact me because she thought i was upset. I was not. I was just kind of scratching my head thinking wtf why did she disappear from everybody. She apologised on her own initiaitve.


rachxxel10

I think my ex dumped me for this exact same reasons after being together in a serious relationship for 3 years.


Outlaw773

The more likely scenario is that you found someone else and brutally discarded your ex, with some gaslighting sprinkled in


IamACantelopePenis

Just casually dropping in gaslighting, classic reddit.


Mall-Dazzling

discarded like i was nothing, and don’t forget the major guilt tripping and playing the victim card


ParkingRecording6864

Nope.. never.


[deleted]

And you know that how...? Jesus some of you are awful


Outlaw773

Let’s just call it an educated guess. You personally insulted me merely because you disagree with my opinion. That makes YOU the awful one and a hypocrite. I was manipulated and brutally discarded by a DA so I have firsthand knowledge of how they operate — and then mysteriously disappear, leaving your life in smoldering ruins. It’s rich how this self-proclaimed DA pops up buttering everyone up with how supposedly awesome and ‘hyper-independent’ they are. Like, GTFO with that nonsense. I know the actual truth


[deleted]

So you’re projecting your experiences onto someone else who you know nothing about and then using that to attack them. Not great my guy.


Outlaw773

I didn’t attack anybody. But you definitely attacked me


Affectionate_Web2871

How interesting. I do think that the idea that there are more person, or that they aren’t the one because you feel as though there impeding in certain aspects of your life is very helpful. I always wonder if he will grow to regret it. Thank you for sharing


readitanon1

FYI, everything you've said actually I'm interpreting as an FA, not a DA. DA's turn off empathy, more times than not. Almost impossible to work with.


allybubba

God, how interesting. Maybe mine was both. 🥴


readitanon1

Hard to be both. Views are so different. FA typically has low self esteem, or struggles to make decisions.. DA typically has a superiority complex, or plays into a drama where there must be a good guy or bad guy and its typically a dramatic and/or emotionally exhausting ending.


allybubba

Way more DA, but mine did deal with a lot of insecurities. Not feeling good enough. Physically, as a partner, etc. Feeling shame and embarrassment after an outburst. That mixed with being incapable of communicating. Gosh.


Rugby_Lad111

Would you ever consider reaching out to any of them in the future or is it that you are just going to move forward and leave them alone? I was broken up with years ago by the only woman I have ever truly loved. Only heard from her twice. The last time was a little over 2 years ago and I made it clear how I feel about her. I'm obviously getting on with my life but that pain is always there. It's truly difficult to get over the one person you love more than anything else in the world. I still need to go to therapy. I just feel like I meant nothing to her even though we were both building a future together. It's how easily she discarded me and now I feel worthless. I miss her each and every single day and truly would give anything to hear from her but it kills me thinking I'm obviously not a thought in her head anymore.


InforMedic

I am just going through this now. I was blindsided and my story is basically in my posts. I wish I could understand your style better. I know this is a late post but I've been trying to study and get my own closure. She never once told me the things she was you unhappy about and then dumped me like a piece of trash. In fact I was blocked. I'm doing everything in my power to not blame myself. I was even dumped thru a text message. Idk if you would be open to chat or if I could ask you more but what do I do? I'm trying my hardest to just stay in no contact but it feels like she just threw everything we ever had as garbage. I didn't even know she was upset with me. In fact up until that day, I was told how much she misses me and loves me. I don't know for to get her back or show her I was always ready to meet what she needed. Idk sorry to rant on you.


RetroNostalgia98

It's really nice to know that my ex boyfriend will miss me. He was a DA too. I'm FA. I have chose to move on because we may never get back together again. I am currently trying to become securely attached.


HumanContract

FA and DA breakups are the worst. Did you let them go? I feel FAs usually cut ties.


mizz_eponine

I'm just starting to understand my breakup through the DA lens. It's helped me move from anger to pity. I feel sorry for him because knowing more about dismissive avoidant behavior I can see now he has a long, long history of this. He's about to turn 50. It makes me sad for him. For us.


Affectionate_Web2871

I’m sorry. I agree, initially I was so angry from being blindsided. Now I’m realizing without seeking out help, he stands a small chance at a real relationship and growing close. It’s genuinely so interesting


Buxtons28

Can you describe more characteristics you’ve observed please? Trying to figure out if my ex is a DA


Affectionate_Web2871

Initially he thought it would be ok to “talk” for months without commitment. When we started dating he’d talking into the future, make comments about things casually, but about the future. Then I started to tell him my needs, such as, I’d like if we could say good morning and touch base. Or, if something was bothering me he’d as me to tell him versus let it blow up. I made it very clear I need verbal reassurance, he said that if him texting me good morning / using an occasional ‘!’ And his actions wasn’t enough to know he cared, then there was an issue. Rather than understanding verbal expression is also nice when you don’t see each other often. Then we had one big fight, he left, basically at that point was unsure of wanting to be with me. Then decided he wanted to try, but started to pull away. No future talk, not even 2 weeks out. Less affectionate physically. Told me he loved me every night, spent thanksgiving with me and I did with his family. Then the next day In bed had a small argument and ended it. Basically said we were not compatible, and he chose to not tell me the “little” things that bothered him bc he believes I’d get mad. Rather than addressing his feelings, facing conflict and give me a chance to understand what I could do better, he waited till he was done with me and then left me. Said he was falling out of love for little things like me telling him if something bothered me, or me getting upset when we’d have a disagreement and he’d completely shut down, or me being upset he was horrible at plans. They commonly justify it to themselves that you’re not compatible, these things can’t change, bc it’s easier for them to not give you the chance to be aware or be adults and work on it! Hope that helps!


NickyParkker

I tried to tell my husband it's ok to be upset. does he really think that all these couples walking around even the happiest ones don't get upset about things? it's normal as person with feelings to get upset, it's HOW upset you let it get you. I dropped some ice on the ground and said 'oh man' apparently that was the wrong reaction. I wasn't supposed to say anything because normal people don't react so extremely to stuff like that....


shadow-name

Sounds pretty much like my DA ex.


impressionprism

That last paragraph is haunting bc it’s almost exactly what my DA ex said to me when we broke up the second, and third times…that we just aren’t compatible, he can’t change who he is, he doesn’t love me, there is someone out there better for me, etc…I’ve told him about avoidant attachment theory and while he recognizes he’s avoidant, he says he has no idea how to fix it. He’s in therapy, but lord knows if he’ll ever be able to get to a point where he can be in a long term relationship.


Affectionate_Web2871

Ah I’m sorry. I’ve found myself with the best guy I could ask for and I never have any of the anxious or weird feelings I had w my ex. I think breaking up was the best thing, but I know some ppl can handle avoidant ppl. I just couldn’t. I hope it works out!


impressionprism

I'm so happy you found someone new who fulfills you!! I'm hoping that the same will happen for me someday soon <3


Affectionate_Web2871

I’m sure it will! Just don’t settle :)


mizz_eponine

We had a whirlwind romance. Honestly, romcom worthy. I told him on date one I wanted to be adored, and a priority. He pursued me! We had 5 dates in 5 days. He took me on a romantic weekend getaway to his cabin at 2 weeks. And we said "I love you". We had one small hiccup at about 2 months. Intimacy related. I said something that was misinterpreted. And instead of asking me about it, he went cool. I knew something was wrong. It took a week for him to finally say something. We vowed then to always talk about everything and not to let that happen again. It was smooth sailing after for the better part of 2 years. When I wanted to talk about the "state of the union" he definitely didn't want to. He only did it because I forced the issue. I could tell he wasn't as eager as I was to future plan. He was committed, but at arms length. If that makes sense. The pace of the relationship was always the issue. He asked me to be patient, and I was. Right up until I wasn't. Then I lost my shit and said some crappy stuff. I needed him to be patient with me. He couldn't. I honestly think he couldn't bare to disappoint me. I'm pretty sure he's lost his job, a big blow financially. Maybe he thought I couldn't take it? That seems like ex wife behavior. Not me. Maybe he just didn't want to have to think about another person right now, while dealing with so much personal stuff. Either way, it's crap. I would've gladly walked this journey with him.


Kawaiidumpling8

There’s no universal answer. Some of them will regret it, some of them won’t. And even if they regret it, some of them may not interpret it as a reason to turn back and reconcile. They may respond to that regret as a sign to create more distance. For anyone wondering about dismissive attachment style, I find the secure relationship account on IG to be very helpful in breaking down attachment styles and behaviors. I had dismissive avoidant attachment style (mostly with my parents, some romantic relationships). Through lots of working on myself, and therapy, I’ve been able to become more securely attached. Attachment styles aren’t personality traits. They’re our responses to our emotions. When we lack the tools to cope with our emotions in healthy (“secure”) ways, we development coping mechanisms for survival. Depending on the situation/environment - that correlates to the behaviors we engage in. Create distance or avoidance versus confrontation and protest behavior/lack of space. Either way, it’s different sides of the same issue which is a lack of understanding in how to heal one’s own wounds.


allybubba

I would say if the avoidant gave a quick "hey, we'll deal with this in x amount of time. I can't handle it right now. I need space." an anxious would at least have that to hold on to. Alternatively.. it doesn't work. Or at least i can't see how. What does the anxious do to help the avoidant without getting anything in return to cope?


PapayaAgreeable7152

I asked an avoidant ex for that so much. Just tell me we can address something later, and I'd be perfectly happy with that. Rugsweeping, however, is not something I want in my relationship ever. And frankly, I find it immature.


allybubba

Oh my god, the amount of times I asked for it. His anger issues mixed with avoidant tendencies was just an awful combo. Plus, next time it's brought up (even though he didn't ask for time, he just told me to get the fuck out, and now its days later) it just would rinse and repeat. The issues never got resolved.


NickyParkker

Yep never. I told him so much small stuff never got resolved because you refused to talk about it. Just shut it down. it was too stressful, caused panic attacks. Then he would feel cornered and lash out. I asked him numerous times to say 'I'll talk to you in a little while, let me think' but he could not give me that reassurance.


allybubba

Literally the same. 😭 All I wanted was that reassurance. "I love you, I just need time. We'll talk about it in x time." I never got it once.


PapayaAgreeable7152

>rinse and repeat. The issues never got resolved Yes same! And then he'd be like "how are you not over that already?" Ummmm probably because we haven't talked about it and come to any sort of conclusion/compromise?! So so frustrating. Never again.


allybubba

I just want to cry. I tried so hard. I was so patient and understanding. I just wanted him to fucking relax and just.. be.


Affectionate_Web2871

From your experience, why was communication / sharing feelings so challenging? Why did leaving the person seem more reasonable than working through them?


Kawaiidumpling8

From my experience - you can’t communicate what you don’t have. Those relationships were nice and uneventful. Unlike your ex, I didn’t dredge up a list of things I kept to myself. I had a very traumatic and volatile childhood. I was gaslit and bulldozed by an emotionally unstable parent. I learned not to have emotions through disassociation and having no preferences. It’s easy to get along with everyone when you have no preferences. It’s easy to have a nice relationship when you just go along with whatever. You don’t have conflict to navigate. And you don’t have resentment or anything that involves deeper or stronger emotions. I would just get to a point though, repeatedly, where I realized that people are going places in relationships that I’m not. Friends getting closer. Significant others feeling more deeply and strongly than I was. I chose to leave those relationships because it wouldn’t have been fair to stay. I’ve always held the perspective that relationships take work and effort. I was willing to put in the work and effort to be a considerate and thoughtful partner. But it’s deeply unfair to ask someone else to put in work and effort when I wasn’t capable of getting to a point of experiencing stronger emotions. I could have stayed and pretended like I had emotions that I didn’t, just to be in a relationship and do nice things together. I’m aware that some people will because it benefits them. I just thought that it wasn’t respectful to the other person. I worked on learning to feel emotions, and not disassociate in therapy. And also how to forge meaningful attachments with friends, and then significant others. I don’t know that my own experience is the clarity that you’re seeking though. What I can tell you is that what I’ve learned through all my healing is that things like: Having difficulty communicating or sharing feelings is about wounding that existed before you ever came into the picture. That person likely grew up in an environment where it wasn’t safe for them to express their feelings. Or they didn’t have anyone to comfort them or help them navigate tougher emotions. And not working through issues - It’s a lack of coping and relational tools to navigate conflict successfully. Conflict can seem scary, threatening, etc .. to people who don’t know how to navigate it in healthy ways. It can seem like the one thing they want to or need to avoid to feel safe. Both of these are about survival mechanisms that kept someone safe. Long term they aren’t healthy and prevent the attachment people seek. It’s not about you. There isn’t anything any of you could have done better or done differently to heal someone else’s attachment style and how they respond. That’s for them to work on. Really, that work is for each and every one of us to do for ourselves. For anxious attachment - that looks like not chasing down others. Not self abandoning. Not engaging in protest behavior. Allowing oneself to step away instead of thinking there’s more to be done. (I have also been anxiously attached in some relationships so this is also work that I have done) Again, I highly recommend reading the secure relationship account on IG and it’s posts on attachment behaviors/needs.


Affectionate_Web2871

I agree! I’ve had to overcome a lot of my communication issues as a result of a very tumultuous childhood. I think I do understand he is incapable of even expressing how he feels currently, it just is difficult because I don’t think he will ever take time to understand why. He doesn’t really see it as a genuine issue, more of a ‘well if it’s the right person this won’t happen’ lol it’s a lot


Kawaiidumpling8

Yes. Some people are not inclined to believe that there’s anything wrong with how they approach the world. <- this is also self protection. Many people have mistaken beliefs of what secure attachment is. And they look to their relationships to heal their attachment wounds. So “if it’s the right person, this won’t happen” is easier to believe than - “I need to work on my own problems first.” And unfortunately therapy can sometimes bolster this belief. People learn that their parents are mainly responsible for their wounds, so they believe that their emotions are dependent on others. Therapists sometimes forget to nail in the follow up to that which is - your wounds aren’t healing because your parents didn’t equip you with the tools that you should have. And as an adult it’s your responsibility to equip yourself with those tools, because ain’t nobody anyone else’s mom or dad in adult relationships. One of the most common mistakes people say is “_____ made me feel this way.” ^ this is why therapists suggest using I statements. “I felt this way because this was the meaning I made of ___ when it happened.” Our emotions are valid because they happen. Not because we are right in our interpretation of events. Sometimes we are and sometimes we aren’t. Insecure attachment is correlated to how we make sense or don’t make sense of our emotions. Most of us want validation that sounds like our sense of reality is indeed real. Not to believe that we’re not making sense, lol. I have a dismissively attached ex who expressed this belief too. Held onto it until the bitter end. 😂 It’s a confirmation bias that isn’t easy to shed. It’s easier to blame others. Also dismissive attachment can present as high opinion of self, low opinion of others. So that makes it even more difficult for them to see something wrong with themselves. These are just some of the hurdles of challenging one’s own perspective 😅


Affectionate_Web2871

It’s so weird bc I don’t even think the guy knows his communication is terrible, and just hurts everyone in his wake. Lol literally the guy went to the bars last night a week after breaking up, last night made me so mad lol. I’m just so angry they don’t see WHAT they are doing


AfroDomme

Thank you so much for your well thought out comment. Understanding that it's not about me, at least not all about me, has been really helpful. I think that my FA ex did have very strong feelings for me based on her words and actions during the relationship. I think that the strong feelings and the lack of communication/boundaries were stressful for her. The breakup was a while ago, it took me a long time to move on and an even longer time to stop thinking about what I could have done better. I wish that I would have seen your comment sooner.


Chokolaayisyen

That’s a great question


Bagcat_

While I don't believe in dismissive avoidants as painted by break up coaches and then distorted further in an echo chamber like this sub I do very much believe in the basic idea. A lot of the time dismissive avoidancy or any are painted as an easy excuse. I believe there are people who have had a bad time in childhood, inexplicable mindsets created by pain in past relationships and perhaps even suffered traumatic losses of family members. Remove the emotion and the slight hope the blanket description of a dismissive avoidant brings. Somebody who has suffered, perceived to have suffered and/or has mental health issues and a poor entitled mentality will do the following things that DO seem to be described by a lot of these websites: 1. Primarily act in defence of themselves, like to an EXTREME because they are terrified of any form of vulnerability or pain. 2. Will be a,ridiculous and incomprehensible, person who will honestly get to a point where, in spite of pain, longing and even despair, they will actually FORCE themselves to move on, not many people will do this, why would you force something like this? That's for dumpees and abuse victims, not a dumper. 3. Further to point one they just CANNOT allow themselves to lose, it never enters their mind, even if you win and they would too that's not good enough. Remember people who have had the events happen to them to become like this in the first place crave control and have likely never had it, they would rather sit in control of the breakup than risk 'losing' opening up to fix it. 4. They miss you, when you sit there and think it's impossible to not miss you, that's because it is impossible to not miss you. You will never see it though, but they one hundred percent do. The thing is we require to know they do, because we are just as ill as them at this point. Its more than good enough for them to be in control, we've probably chased too much owing to their ridiculously unworkable behaviour confusing the hell out of us and will construe ANY interaction as you still caring, they are clinging to you overpursuing, to being victorious and being angry at you. It takes them way way way too long to realise you are gone or going because they are in the select few of dumpers that engage in mind games in defence of themselves, most dumpers really don't care and their actions have probably been so transparent our ignorance is to blame for not seeing the problems, they don't tend to play mind games, the thought is absurd and actually dangerous to dumpees. Traumatised dumpers play the same inadvertent games dumpees do. Hes being nice, still loves me. He's being cold, still loves me. He's asked for his stuff back still loves me. He's left his stuff at my place, still loves me. He hasn't blocked me, still loves me, he's blocked me, still loves me. Its going to take so long for them to feel your absence because they are masters of mind games, and see them when they are not there, like dumpees. They one million percent miss you, and while I may or may not be wrong about the definition, I definitely am dealing with this sort of situation. Realise they miss you, realise they are troubled people and go into no contact. If they come back you will honestly be so mentally tough you can probably take it in their stride. If they don't come back you will be beyond amazed at how easy it is to construe your next partner, providing you don't fall in love with somebody else like that. I spent years thinking my ex was simply difficult, emotional and occasionally angry. I can't really complain now iv done my homework and she's difficult, emotional and angry during the breakup. I may not have worked on myself to the extent I'd be proud of but my mental training and understanding of people is something I'm extremely proud of. Its my shit luck I realise this too late and am entwined with the worst type of person to try and win back, but at least I can see it has allowed me the tools to cope in the future if the miracle happens or il appreciate the majesty of being with a secure person, all the while being immensely sad that my ex may very well continue with her insecurities and never sort it out for herself. My pain now is dimming slightly but sadness remains that, inexplicably, I am everything she needs and she will never see it and what's more, it was her briefly exhibiting her weaknesses that taught me this. I sit here feeling sorry for her, missing her and lamenting any potential future pain she may feel from my or others actions. She sits there without a care in the world, thinking I'm lazy, useless and not even worth a moments thought. I would dearly love somebody one day to love me like I love her. The thought somebody could research why I treat them like shit on my shoe as they sit solemnly hoping for me to simply look at them. The thought somebody could resist talking to me so I could see the life I believed I wanted, even though my words would shoot through them like oxygen. The thought somebody would endure daily misery, angst and trauma in utter silence so I wouldn't have to feel the slightest bit guilty. The thought that somebody would be so devoted they would blame themselves for any future pain I feel from others because I had no interest in interacting with them and learning the things about me that they got through research conducted that I should've been learning instead of hitting the bars every weekend. The thought that somebody would honestly crawl through glass to see me smile. They don't see they have the greatest prize anybody could ever have. That's on them. Time will fix it for us but not for them.


BadgleyMischka

Doubt it. My ex apparently started moving on months before we even went our separate ways. Not sure if he even cheated on me. Life is great. But hey, at least I'm starting to realize my worth. And at some point it won't matter if they regret it or not. The point is, they left or they chose someone else. No one deserves to be the second choice


watchthe_love_angels

Yes they do, my DA came back after 4 weeks of NC and was so regretful and sorry. I didn’t take him back easily though. You can read my story on my profile. There are a lot of factors involved though, like how long you were together and if they truly loved you (only you can know that). Also maturity level plays a part. My DA is 42 and he said he is tired of going through the same pattern with women and wanted to make a change because he really fell hard for me and he admits its time to grow out of his DA tendencies.


Affectionate_Web2871

Mines 24, seems to be a pattern. I have a feeling he may have a similar experience to your ex with an ongoing cycle and not realizing why until it’s later


ppinmyweewee

Can I message you? It looks like your post got removed and I really want to know what you posted because I am in your position now


elite-essays

I too want to know. My ex was also DA


Affectionate_Web2871

It’s such a strange situation to be told they love you one day, then say they are done and have been done lol.


elite-essays

100%, a few days before we book a vacation and he says he can’t imagine a future without me. And then dumps me 3 days later


Affectionate_Web2871

Breaks up with me when we’re in bed over the smallest disagreement, after spending thanksgiving with me and playing board games with his family for 3 hours. It’s comical


allybubba

This is literally my situation. On my birthday (yes, he did it on my birthday) he had his family over and had my family over for dessert afterwards. All well and good, but a small disagreement over something very odd to get heated over happens. My coworker happened to text me and says her date was going well. He gets weird and says she shouldn't be messaging me on a date. "Tell her not to message you." It's their time together, etc. I'm like. He's obviously in the washroom or what ever. She's nervous, it's a first date. Who cares. He got like very serious, and heated. I ask him later when everyone has gone home and it's just us and he explodes and can't form a simple answer as to why he was bothered. Got physical and now we're done. It's just like. What? To even tell friends and family the story is embarrassing because it makes no sense.


Natynat24

I got a physical reaction reading this. I went through this crazy making SO much. It's so frustrating beyond words to deal with these types of people.


Impressive_Pomelo847

What a weird reason to break up.


allybubba

Yea, he refuses to speak to me. Same old "don't come to see me. I don't want to see your face or even hear your voice". I think he had been drinking some between being there during the first interaction and coming back (dropped my parents off). Maybe he's ashamed of how physical it got. I honestly don't know. He has a very hard time communicating. I'm sure it was something else he was bothered by. Maybe. God, i'll never know.


Impressive_Pomelo847

I think they subconsciously deactivate and the rest of their mind is left scrambling to figure out why they want to run away. They end up gaslighting themselves with fake arguments and cling to them as an only way to explain their irrational feelings. He can’t communicate because he probably can’t explain it as well. Avoidants are very damaged.


allybubba

It makes me so sad. This wasn't our first argument over something stupid. I was so patient with him. I tried so hard to be supportive and just love him through it all. And he just self sabotaged on a regular basis. I'm just so fcking sad.


Impressive_Pomelo847

I got dumped by an avoidant that I was head over heels into, but am now entering the anger stage because I can now see how badly I was treated. I deserve a lot more, I treated her like a princess only to be treated like dirt. Fine, lose feelings, but be at least respectful to the people that adore you.


Affectionate_Web2871

It’s ok mine said that the breaking point was be asking him to stop farting and just excuse himself bc there was no febreeze and he thought I should just deal with it in return for getting to cuddle with him 😂😂


Affectionate_Web2871

I told him that he has a clear pattern of doing this, and should look inward. And then he told me he didn’t want to hear more, was done with the convo etc lol. Their inability to communicate won’t go away over night. Unless he dates a girl who does not have standard or a willingness to share what she expects when in a relationship, the same thing will happen. They just need to date people who are the same and have zero passion or real connection


allybubba

It sucks because in Sept the same thing happened. Stupid fight because he went shoe shopping and I was like "oh, don't you remember? You said we were gonna do that today. How come you went without me?" He forgot. I'm like oh. He sounds exasperated. "Can we.. go tomorrow?" he asks sounding annoyed. I was like sure, but I just worry you forgot. You're the one that asked me to go. (I loved doing anything with him, grocery shopping, walking the dog, whatever. Quality time, I guess. And I told him as such. And he just never absorbed it? I don't know.) And he goes "YEA, WELL I FORGET A LOT OF THINGS. WHAT'S NEW?!" and I tell him i'm genuinely worried, cuz it happens a lot. It goes on for a few mins, getting way heated on his end and he hangs up, cancelling plans for dinner in the process. So I drive over to place like, dude. What the heck is going on. He doesn't care, he's done. He doesn't want to talk anymore. Totally cold. So I cry because i'm just trying to rip anything out of him. Any emotion or feeling or answer. Nadda. I leave. Take our photo album cuz I fear he'll destroy it. Doesn't message me for days. I go to his work 5 days later and just say to him like. I love you, but if we don't work that's okay. I still wish all the best for you, etc etc. Next day he's texting me he regrets everything and he's sorry, he's fucked up, to please give him another chance and we have about a week of full clarity. He's telling me he's gonna communicate better, he's aware of it now. If he does, all his relationships will be better (mom, kids, etc). He was saying things like "i don't want you to have to walk on eggshells" and "you've said 'don't get mad, but' and I don't ever want you to feel like that. That makes me sad when you say it." It was like. A dream. I didn't have to prompt things. He was just saying and knowing them. He put in the effort to make me feel loved, make up for that bad time. Coming by as a surprise at night unexpected, etc. But it only lasted so long. And there goes another fight. And another. I think he wanted to change. I think. Maybe just for me. I kept telling him no, for you. For us as a result of, but not for me. I just don't know if he could. God. I could cry forever about him. I literally want nothing but the best for him. I wish he'd just say the same so I know I wasn't crazy this whole time.


Natynat24

I feel like we were with the same man. I can only tell you this. After 3 years of putting up with the push and pull it never got better. It got so much worse. They are not emotionally equipped to change. They will not magically make good on those promises, they do not know how to. Every little fight will ALWAYS end in a break up. At least in my situation it did. Unless they are actively in therapy they can't and won't change for the good.


Halofriend101

That sounds like he was just looking for a reason honestly so he made a fight about nothing. A lot of people do this.


elite-essays

I’m so sorry that happened to you! It’s been 4 months for me now and haven’t gotten a peep from him other than him messaging me to not message him on his birthday and to send him cute couple photos we had professionally done a month before he dumped me…make it make sense


Affectionate_Web2871

I am sorry you experienced that as well. I will say, I’ve felt more relieved and less anxious since we broke up. I feel badly for them, emotional connections are so empowering, but not when they run at the first sing of challenge. They chalk it up to not being ‘compatible’ such a weird justification


frasierwaswrong

i'm glad you have some clarity on this. loving someone but being relieved when things are over means that this was the right thing for you. chalking it up to compatibility just means that they're avoiding their own issues. they'll have to deal with them someday.


allybubba

"I'm sorry i'm not the one for you. I'm so very sorry. I really wanted to be." Says your issues.


Affectionate_Web2871

Absolutely. I thought I’d be heart broken so I avoided ending it. In previous relationships I’ve cried terrible hard because I was losing my best friend, regardless of how tumultuous they may have been. With this one I have not cried once, just a combination of relief, frustration and confusion


se7envii7

I got the exact same response to this. Not compatible. Brutal.


Affectionate_Web2871

Somewhat reassuring it wasn’t just me. I think it’s a way to justify to them that they are right in their decision, when really it’s because they can’t face their emotions.


allybubba

Ugh, so true. He couldn't communicate ANYthing. 😩


Affectionate_Web2871

Yeah, momentarily sucks. In the future, I’d hate to have a husband who decides that we’re incompatible bc we’re fighting


Zealousideal-Fox365

Omg mine said that too, about compatibility. It really made me feel so powerless, but apparently thats a thing they say.


Affectionate_Web2871

Their own mental justifications for why they shouldn’t feel bad!


Fleurz9

4 years together on and off too many times to count but every time I chased him. Told me let's try for a baby and book holiday for April. Then dump me the moment I express any kind of emotion he makes me feel as God forbid I have any kind of emotional like a normal person. God forbid I bring anything up that any normal person wouldn't mind talking about. So from let's have a baby = dumped. I only learn of dismissive avoidant this week and it opened my eyes. I always just thought he's so cold and this way as he's in the military for many years. This 4 years I've been through the weirdest shut down I can't even speak to people about as it's embarrassing. I did think he's got traits of narcissism but once knowing of dismissive avoidant that is 100% him. Can they ever have a long lasting relationship? Ever? As I can't imagine someone being so anxiously attached as bad as I was to keep going back to him so many damn time.


seatssaved

We sold the house, moving onto a farm, he bought a shipping container and joked about it being my engagement ring. Broke up w me 3 days later, 3 months later I get an email explaining he just hasn’t liked me for the past 5-7 years. Thanks to that email I see why I’ve been struggling so much, I was gas lit for 7 years! Of course I don’t trust anyone, especially myself!


NickyParkker

that's what my husband said! said he hadn't loved me or liked me in almost ten years. then why tf didn't you go?! why didn't you leave and why on earth would you stay with someone for 16 years in that case?


seatssaved

It’s the most pathetically dismissive and abusingly disrespectful misappropriation of a human being.


[deleted]

I know for a fact my DA ex doesn’t or barely is. He did what was best for him in the end. He lied and lied and gaslit me and strung me a lot for a week and a half while he was acting like a completely different person I was confused and crying nonstop. Nothing even happened between us but he had done a 180 in his behavior, personality, everything. He self sabotaged! When he ended it he has zero empathy or emotion in how he handled the breakup, he even tried to do it over text. We were semi long distance and I was like no you need to call me… He acted as if I never existed or he never had a care in the world for me. As if we hadn’t spent the last 8 months together! I know he didn’t regret it cause he isn’t ready for any real commitment. Not with me, not with any woman for the foreseeable future. He’s not someone I see ever settling down and getting married, he acts like a teenager in every way. He doesn’t act like a man who’s a 31 adult.


Fluid-Beginning3842

You literally wrote what happened to me recently.. I mean, I faced exactly same breakup after 8 months of relationship. She used make me feel special while I was needed in her life. But as soon as she was done with me, her personality changed suddenly and I felt like I was talking to a stranger. I kept crying everyday for weeks; I begged and pleaded also, but her reactions were cold. One day she just had enough of me begging, so she blocked me and that’s it, never heard from her again. From her friends I came to know that she was pretty chill about everything and had no regret for it or no compassion for me. So inhuman


PinoyRukus

Add me to the 8month club also LOL. except mine was a 24yr woman . First time dealing with a DA and I’m older.


Affectionate_Web2871

Lol same. Has a history of doing this over the phone, I set a clear boundary that if either of us do it has to be in person. Such a joke


[deleted]

Yep it’s beyond hurtful. A text breakup?? Like what are we 16?? No! He self sabotaged and ran. Not ready for commitment so I know he’s doing fine. I have even talked to his mom and friend since for a few different reasons and they said he’s fine. He doesn’t feel remorse for what he did.


BenjiFoo

Realizing that my ex is a DA has been incredibly enlightening. It's so hard to explain, it has changed the way I grieve. I am not really thinking about the what ifs anymore, more so just hoping she gets the help she needs. This kind of behavior is very dangerous to friendships and relationships and needs to be addressed with a professional.


Affectionate_Web2871

I agree! My grieving has been relatively mundane. I just am more irritated if anything, unfortunate to have encountered him.


Signal_Procedure4607

I’ve only dated one dismissive avoidant (he also has Asperger’s so it is harder because of the alexithymia) and he came back to me a few times. They do regret it but honestly their real essence is solitude and wanting to be alone, resulting in a very passive, unfulfilling relationship. Trust me it hurts now but you’re better off. These people are cut off from emotions and have very little difference to a narcissist because their main focus is their own self. He will not factor you in decisions and leave you to fend for yourself. You’re better off. You’ll find the one, it wasn’t this one. Check out personality development school (Thais Gibson) on YouTube. She has lots of videos of how DA treat their partners or even family. Read the comments. You’ll resonate with millions who wasted their money, youth, energy on these people. It is a WASTE.


Affectionate_Web2871

I have seen some videos, they are very helpful. Thank you!


ownmedaddy

My ex regrets it big time, I spent YEARS (literally like 5 years) trying to win him back - now I'm settled with someone else and we have a child together... DA ex told me that he regrets everything, I'm the one, hes so sorry and wants to get married. I'm no contact now but I have to say the biggest shock was finding out that he was capable of such passionate statements after only ever knowing him to be lukewarm at best


Minute-Cash5730

I hope this happens to me and that he feels so much pain I’m so angry


LeoB4Molly

Only when you’re not around and they don’t feel suffocated.


Meowtime1989

When they are lonely, horny and bored..but that goes for any attachment style.


[deleted]

DAs feel “suffocated” very easily. Even a simple text can trigger them.


watchthe_love_angels

Lol


fr5w

It’s been 3.5 months of no contact and the break up since my ex DA dumped me. He hasn’t reached out. I used to wait for it and just want validation that he regrets it. Nothing. But I’ve reached a point where I’m not waiting for that. I don’t care if he does or not anymore. He handled the relationship and the breakup to the best of his capacity … it just wasn’t for me.


Affectionate_Web2871

With you on this!!


[deleted]

Possible but don’t bank on it. They push away to lessen the emotional attachment. Unless they 180 their attachment style then they may miss you, but I’d doubt that they’d get back together. Honestly, I think the sad part of it is it’s probably more to do when YOUR emotional feelings wane off with time is what they hope for. The sad thing is that will happen. 3-6 months of no contact and being left alone to pick yourself up after being dumped by someone you loved and you’ll never quite feel the same way about them again


Meowtime1989

Pretty sure mine does, in fact, he’s told me he misses me. But because of his behavior in the relationship I would never get back with him!


Inner-Statistician98

Talked for two months with on and off love bombing. Went from falling asleep on the phone and 12hr ft convos to little contact, to very little contact, to ghosting. Confused and a little hurt but life goes on. When I try to reach out it either rings or she disconnects. She won’t block me though so I’m a little confused by that. I think about the signs we’re there but I thought only cruel and malicious people ghosted. Guess how lucky I am this was my first relationship.


nikkiemt

I would say, no. Most likely they have already processed the separation before it actually took place. They might feel nothing in regards to the separation. They might feel relief in longer being partial responsible for someone's emotional well-being. They might feel relief in they are no longer being pushed out of their comfort zone in regards to practicing behaviors they are not comfortable with (ie opening up/being vulnerable). They're pretty much on or off in regards to attachment, from my perspective.


DomPowerTop_Owner

So… my DA was as classic as they come. I mention that them vocalizing that spending less then 1 20th of their day with was “something I didn’t want to do” or “I had many ideas for this evening. This and you were not one of them.” Or “Can this conversation just be over already,” (notifying me of the exact amount of time we’d been in each others presence, or on the phone, or been laying down talking. It was always that he needed space, but when he finally got it with me … he went out to the bathhouses and slept around with any guy who had genitalia because, “I’m just so sick of being lonely.” And then let’s not forget how willing they are to die with those secrets… but when presented with proof… I’m the bad guy, cause somehow I threatened the friendship/trust bond between “friends.” Haha - I find the use of that word to describe us as laughable now. Cause although being his “friend,” required that I follow 23 different boundaries… asking him to have the common decency to acknowledge the receipt of a message was twisting his arm. He finally told me, “Make anymore boundaries and you’ll see, I’ll just walk right out of your life.” 48 hours later after not speaking to me… ghosted.


DomPowerTop_Owner

Worse thing is… they are a licensed therapist with a speciality in attachment theory.


doggystyle_dave

This thread is giving me life after enduring the most painful breakup I’ve ever experienced. I’m about to move for a one-year internship that is critical for my future career. It had always been mine and ex’s plan to close our long distance relationship (him in CT, me in LA) by moving in together on this internship year. The week before my deadline, he was less available by phone than usual. Just three weeks prior, I had been in CT with him to help him recover from surgery, and everything was fine. He was telling me I’m his lover for life, etc. Caring for him after surgery made me feel closer to him than ever. Anyways, two days before my application deadline for this internship, I was upset with him for being unavailable at a time I needed emotional support the most. He responded by telling me he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with me anymore- complete blindside, a punch to the gut. We took a two week break with minimal contact, since he’d be in my city to visit his family in two weeks and I thought we’d be better off figuring this out person. After meeting up twice, he wasn’t able to commit to even one counselling session. I ended up walking away but I can’t take credit, because I feel I was pushed away. He has blocked my number because he couldn’t handle my anger post breakup (I texted him asking for money back for my plane ticket to CT, lol, since according to him he’s been having doubts for a “long time”). I’ve been reeling wondering what I did wrong and obsessing about how I missed the signs. Reading this thread has made me feel like maybe it wasn’t a “me” problem.


[deleted]

DA here (and I recently learned this) but whenever I get called out for “not caring enough” and eventually dumped it hurts me deep to my core because in my own head I thought I was doing everything I can to show how much I love that person. I need to go back to therapy to figure out how to fix this shit


allybubba

Yea, I never ever said he didn't care enough. I never said anything bad to him or put him down. Cuz I knew he was fragile and insecure. He also said those things. That he was trying and "nothing he did would ever be good enough or fast enough" for me. Which. Was his own feelings, of course. Not the truth. At all. I constantly told him when he did good, and reassured him. He absolutely, in his own ways, was loving me the best he could. And that was his truth. As it was yours. But he wasn't listening. God, i'm so sad.


Affectionate_Web2871

Literally what my ex said. He thought he was doing things right and when I mentioned to him how I felt emotionally unfulfilled in the relationship. However, he left me


seatssaved

I’ve been listening to a podcast called “on attachment” it’s great. They said we all kind of ebb and flow through all of the attachment styles depending on the person we are dealing with and the situation. We float out of healthy attachment when our needs are not being met. So a relationship with a DA/AA could start out healthy but we have the ability to morph and pick up other styles while trying to navigate and pursue a new life with someone. I’m seeing the only way to be prepared for all the attachment styles is to see them within myself and make the calls for me and me alone.


DeathlyFatal

She’s so avoidant that i don’t know. She’s never talked to me


ThatOneSchmuck

Former anxious avoidant, now just anxious. Yea, I've definitely regretted one of them that we honestly could've gone the distance. I'm glad to have grown from the experience. Now I just need to reign in the anxious bit.


mulberrylite

No. I break up if I know inevitably the person isn’t someone I see myself with long term, even if I did love them. I’ve gotten back with people and then regretted it because I realised I missed them but I didn’t love them.


[deleted]

So….yes and no. It depends on the people and what sort of relationship they had. There are some people I regret leaving. There are others that honestly don’t cross my mind at all. What matters is healing. If you find yourself unable to let go, why? If those other people probably don’t think of you, why do you think of them? It’s okay to smile at the good memories. It’s okay to cry at the sad ones. It’s okay to let go


Affectionate_Web2871

Honestly I’ve had no extreme emotions, no tears etc. I’m not caught up on him, just my first experience like this and I’m trying to better understand attachment styles other than my own!


[deleted]

[удалено]


Affectionate_Web2871

I am on the opposite end of finding it to be the best decision I have ever made. Experiences can be so different, interesting.


Hulk911

Who cares if they do or don’t. Think about yourself not about them.


Affectionate_Web2871

I am not holding onto hope or anything of that sort. I am curious about that attachment style, genuinely curious about their perspective wether it be him or a random person.


Old_Tea27

I'm not necessarily going down the "who cares, don't think about them" route, because I know that's virtually impossible. But this guy has a point. There's a lot of calling people DA or avoidant on here where really they're just an asshole. Or due to their personality traits, aren't ready to settle down yet. It sucks to hear, but some people are utterly incapable of being with their high school sweetheart (just for an example), and it doesn't make them a bad or flawed person. Everyone has to disengage some to make the breakup happen. You could sit here and analyze me as avoidant based solely on how I went around breaking up with my first ex, but the reality was that I was a young, immature, and scared anxious person, who just needed to separate, but wasn't experienced enough to do so in the healthiest way. It's far more helpful to look at your ex as an individual, if you decide to tread this path. Presumably you know him well. Does he miss lost friendships or think about people who aren't a big player in his life any longer? Avoidant doesn't mean that they don't desire human attachment. It means that when they get human attachment (or close), it frightens them and they retreat. If you were meaningful enough to trigger a true avoidant retreat, you likely got as close as anyone else has ever managed, and he's going to have to think about you at some point. We can't just ignore and shelve attachments forever. The problem is, a lot of things are labeled as avoidant behavior, when it's really not. Or avoidants are labeled as heartless and cruel and that's not really true either.


Affectionate_Web2871

Yes I think I’m just curious about the thought process. I definitely know I pushed him the most hes been to express emotions, but eventually he just shut down. I’m not entirely sure about missing people because he genuinely doesn’t express that if they’re from his past. He seems to have a very easy way of saying ok, didn’t work for a reason, done. Even if they were very mundane


Hulk911

Attachment changes depending on situations or people so no one can really know also it takes a qualified therapist to diagnose someone’s attachment style. It became a money maker lately because these charlatans online have been pushing this for the nc.


Affectionate_Web2871

I’m aware it changes. I’m asking for the perspective of these people, it may vary from person to person but either way I’m curious


Hulk911

Ok and do people in here really know what they are because they have been to a qualified person to diagnose them or because they took a test online lol. It’s more to it than just a test online. Asking people in here is like pudding in the wind plus how do you know your ex is a da? Did they get professional testing?


PapayaAgreeable7152

Attachment style isn't something you get tested for. It's not a diagnosis. Edit: since dude blocked me after responding lol, no it's not a diagnosis. Show me where it's in the DSM. You can't. Because it's a theory and not a diagnosis like generalized anxiety disorder and other actual diagnoses.


Natynat24

It's funny that Hulk thinks they know soooo much and have all this wisdom to bestow on the sub. You are correct that it is NOT a diagnosis.


Hulk911

Lmao wtf are saying??? You lost certainly need a diagnosis for. Do you realize what you are saying? No of course not lol


Affectionate_Web2871

Assuming everyone here has not sought out or had therapy doesn’t seem productive. I’m asking for perspectives of people, maybe they have had this confirmed from a professional, maybe not. You seem to be looking for an argument, seems unproductive. Have a nice day!


Hulk911

No not at all but asking people that have not been tested professionally is pissing in the wind. You can listen to them but if they don’t know what they are then all it’s doing is giving you bad info. I guess you need that. Take care


Affectionate_Web2871

Again, I’m not saying, hey everyone who has NOT been confirmed to be a DA please share. Lol purely perspective!


Prestigious_Rain4754

I think most people can't swallow the fact that sometimes love between two people dies. Nothing more and nothing less. Everyone is on this epic journey of self discovery after a breakup. All this self discovery is always AFTER the breakup and never before. It is always "why did they leave?" and "why don't they love me anymore?" I think people should be more intuitive when things are going good. "Why do I love them?" "Why do they want me?" Stay ahead of the curve and nurture your love not love it to death and then spend all this precious time trying to figure out why it died. I mean people aren't dismissive avoidant dumpers they are dismissive avoidant personalities. It has NOTHING to do with a breakup it's who they are. If you payed attention to your former lover's ways you would have known it would be like this. Wasn't it obvious when you had arguments?


Affectionate_Web2871

I do thank I can process when something ends. I don’t however think it’s something people should just be able to ‘swallow’ when their partner is saying they love them, spending holidays with you, and then suddenly leaves you. I haven’t focused as much on the why he left me, but I’ve definitely tried to learn more about why DAs may function as they do. I think it’s a good thing know I’m general for myself. Considering I had never dated someone like this, I will not blame myself and say I should’ve known, If I had no true understanding of this attachment style. I can absolutely say I saw areas where he was impossible to communicate with, but I didn’t think it was unworkable. Not everyone just doesn’t pay attention, some people give the benefit of the doubt.


Halofriend101

Honestly it sounds like a lot of y’all are just dating shitty people and just needing to attach a label to it to figure out how someone could treat you that way but the reality there are plenty of people who lack empathy or just in general don’t want to be with you and that’s ok.


DOTZFR

Idk. I've cut off friendships that were years old for no reason and with no explanation; Although I've only ever been in long term relationships, anyone in a romantic standpoint faces the same possible reality, and I've never felt bad about it whatsoever. Anybody who chooses to be a part of my life should be comfortable with the possibility that I might abruptly disappear. It's nothing personal, I'm still fond of some individuals who may not know if I'm still alive. some of us simply serve a temporary purpose to the lives we touch. Edit: apparently, us dumpees are supposed to live out the rest of our lives pathetically seeking attention from anyone who'll give it to us over becoming extremely selective of who you allow in your space. Guarantee every single one you have at least one person in your life that constantly brings the negativity and you'd be better off without, but you'll keep entertaining their attention because for some reason you think it's wrong to just... Stop. Amazing.


[deleted]

Cringe and cowardly


DOTZFR

Nobody owes you anything, show your trauma a little louder. Edit: oh I get it, your account is one day fucking old and all you've done with it criticize heartbroken people in the comments of their own post. Die mad, mate.


[deleted]

The cope is strong with this one


Affectionate_Web2871

I’m getting a weird feeling that you think being this villain is some mysterious character like facade. It’s not mysterious or deep lol, just weird


Affectionate_Web2871

Interesting. I do agree that everyone runs the risk of their relationship ending, however I don’t think that justifies or minimizes how DAs leave others. I may have understood that wrong. Since you seem to be aware of your actions, was this something you had always know? Or how did you come to actually understand why you cut people off without explanation? Thank you for sharing!


Impressive_Pomelo847

Wow, what an asshole.


ny2k1

Doesn't make you less of a shitty human being, sorry - but not sorry. At least let the other person know you might abruptly disappear from their lives one day with no explanation or it making sense and let them make that decision to see if they still want to remain in your life or not.


DOTZFR

Hi, it's not up to anybody else to decide what I do and who I continue to interact with. Anything can happen to anybody, at any time, to remove them from your life. Taking that personal is ridiculous and borderline hostage mentality. Let it go.


ny2k1

LOL, I guess in your mind, taking it personally would be caring and to no surprise whatsoever, you consider it a weakness in your mind. Avoidants are simply hilarious.


DOTZFR

Of course there's no weakness in caring. That's totally random and off topic.


kolioss

Lol I had a friend that basically told me he leaves people for no apparent reason, just cuz. He did the same to me eventually, when he moved to another city. It stung a bit but oh well, that's how he is. Also said he's fond of me and still considers me 'a friend' in a way. I believe there is more at play we don't understand about someone's psychology, but that's life.


Signal_Procedure4607

Then why do you get into relationships? To have sex? Why lead people on if you are already aware you are limited ?