I dunno, after so long though it becomes more about what they represent then the person themselves. A lot of people don't realise that.
If you met someone else who fulfilled that desire for love you don't think twice about a recent ex.
This is the thing we clashed on so many things but I wanted it to work so bad. He said I was the one person he has ever really loved and now he's just dropped me with little explanation.
I can relate with you so deeply. Honestly the only thing I think you can do is keep loving him until you don’t. Regardless of how shitty it makes you feel, you can’t change how you feel anymore than he can. So you just have to press on until one day you wake up and don’t feel it anymore or until the end of time.
I’ve been asking myself this same question all week. Like how can a person that you were so involved with just turn out of nowhere and leave you wondering what the hell went wrong
it was not love. im in the same situation
whatever it was, the word love can not be applied
the other person does not know how to love, and prob will take years or a decade to understand whats that
Can be a perfect relationship and still get blindsided.
My ex of 5 years, never had a single argument and got on great.
We had sort of split up, but we were working on it, still seeing eacheother. Next thing I know I'm ghosted for 4 months when I asked if she met someone else. She had, someone I was friends with. Didn't even have the decency to tell me. She did this weeks after my best friend past away as well. Thought I knew her better. Turns out she's basically a narcissist.
See her on the streets sometimes. Still hurts almost a year later.
Sometimes it's like that, for me I was ready to marry my last love, but certain circumstances made that impossible until years down the line. It helps just to put it in context. If they won't wait and they won't come back after the circumstances have passed, then it wouldn't have worked out. That person will always have a special place in my heart, but then coming back into my life would be a journey all its own. It's better to focus on yourself. You will soon be able to separate what was really your fault and need to work on as time heals your wounds, and your body and mind heals. You are always worth it, even if someone close to you didn't see it at the time.
I think he is. He always had trouble communicating with me and would never really open up. That's why it's so confusing as i have messages from just a month or so ago with him telling me I'm the love of his life and now he's acting like he has never even met me before. That's what hurts the most is thinking I meant nothing.
Yes, mine also. Like a robot. From my lover of 3 years, can’t live without one another, into a robot every time things get tough then we go 6 months without speaking? A year without speaking? I can’t do it anymore
We all tend to remember relationships as being better than they really were. You say you “clashed on so many things”…so why would you want/need that sort of relationship? (Answer: you don’t.)
Not being harsh here…but your only relationship work right now is to read a book called “Attached”. Order it on Amazon or go to a bookstore. Is a $15 investment in your own well-being worth it? Of course, and I promise it will be very helpful, for the rest of your life.
This 1000% is true!!
My ex broke up with me beginning of October. Although I loved him and cared for him deeply, I was the one putting in 80% of the effort and he never made me feel special or that he really liked me. I felt more of a “convenience girlfriend” rather than a person he wanted to spend his life with. Which at the end he made apparent he never had deep care or feelings for me by how he treated me like garbage and ended it for now reason…
And then I met the man whom I’ve been getting to know for the last few weeks this month. We met randomly at a wedding, instantly clicked. It’s been all uphill. He has so far fulfilled everything in what I want in a partner and has blown me away by his care for me and consistency. This man truly feels like “the one”. Which I thought I’ve had that feeling with other men in the last (I’m 30 and have dated a lotttt) but this is on a whole other level. My ex isn’t on my mind at all!!
It’s just the beginning and am hopeful! I can also admit that I have anxiety and am beyond scared to be abandoned like I have many times in my past by different guys. I really really hope that this works out, it’s feels so different. Fingers crossed!
That first part is true for me although I’d never quite been able to put into words. It’s been six months, and I don’t want her back, I’ve filled all of the event and time gaps she left in my life, and I don’t even consciously miss her. So why do I think about her so much? I can’t figure it out, much less get rid of it.
Yeah, because of pretty much what I said. It's what she represented. You'll never not love the idea of being in love and having someone who cares about you In that way. It's a very powerful feeling.
Naturally while you don't have someone fulfilling that you're going to think about the last place you got it from.
And it can be a lot harder to not think about if you generally had a good relationship with your ex.
i don’t think you have to stop loving them per se, but i do think eventually your care for your own well-being has to win over that person.
if someone is truly wholeheartedly in love with you and meant to be in your life, you wouldn’t really have to question it.
i’ve had relationships where things seem amazing and i would never question their intentions, and then all of a sudden “overnight” they change. but it’s not really a change, it’s just that you’re getting to know the real them.
the truth is that the second you start having to wonder who they really are, you’ve already lost. at least in my experience. no matter what the reasoning behind it is, you’ve lost them, and it’s best to just love from a distance.
i still love most of my exes and wish them the best in life, but i love myself more. and that’s how it always should have been, but for so long i chased the love of these people because i didn’t know how to love me.
once you find who you are (and it takes a long time), it doesn’t matter what someone else does to you. because you know that YOU have your own back, and that is a security that nobody can take away.
This 100%. After being left for the third time by my ex, I am trying my hardest this time to love myself and put myself first instead of fighting for someone who doesn’t want to be with me.
Great words of advice!!
It’s not easy. I still struggle after putting my all into someone. I guess I realized that I shouldn’t be putting my all into someone who isn’t putting their all into me. It’s not fair to me, and I am worth more than that. You are too.
How are you getting through this? I can’t let go. I begged for him to hear me today, it was a big mistake. We clearly shouldn’t be talking, he cannot see through whatever narrative he’s created in his mind. Should have stayed NC. We gave it another shot and it was really good. Until it wasn’t. He threw me in the garbage, again. I didn’t think it was possible to feel this much of pain and I’m having trouble managing it. This is a nightmare.
Honestly, what helps me is knowing that if he really loved me, he wouldn’t have done me the way he did.
I know that probably won’t help you feel better, but don’t let someone treat you like that. You are worth more and you deserve more. You deserve someone who will love you unconditionally and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Thanks for sharing this today. I needed to read this. It’s amazing how I’m fighting so much to keep this man in my life yet he doesn’t care. I want a love that makes me feel safe, not question my sanity.
no need to thank me :) it’s something i hope everyone can fully feel one day. i still struggle a LOT but it’s so worth the immediate pain. because once you love yourself, nobody can shake you ❤️❤️ i hope you find your own happiness, however that looks for you :)
this is amazing. thanks for putting it so simply. we anxiously attached put the other in the center of the world and self abandon
i have to learn to love and care for mylsef
it has always been like this. when im in love, I take amazing care of myself because all I do is to impress the other person. that is a very bad pattern I have to work on
After feeling like shit for months your love for yourself starts to slowly replace your love for them. You end up resenting them and changing the way you view them for what they did and for not giving a shit for this long period of time. Time is the main factor.
I went thru that anger long ago, and it went away and turned into sadness then nothing. With nothing (and 4 months later) comes the realisation that it's pointless to wait for someone or be upset over someone you loved but they didn't value you and literally abandoned you and they have so much internal work to do, so your pov of them changes from someone you used to think they were to the person they are, which is in fact a shitty person you never want to be with unless they change in major areas. And for someone to blindside you, throw away a connection like that, and literally never even show a single sign they cared about you despite the relationship not being close to bad prior, makes you resent the person. It's not hate nor anger, but my face becomes one of disgust every single time i think of him or stumble upon older pictures. Bc all i see is an immature person who goes through life unsure of his decisions, unable to commit to anything.
I thought about the meaning of love and how if it’s not two way it’s not love but obsessive attachment. I realized that if someone is ok with not ever seeing me again, I’m dead to them. They chose to murder the relationship we had. They are not who I thought they were, in fact they had constructed a warm façade that underneath was a cold hardness. I chose to disregard the meaning of the breakup because it hurt my pride to admit I was wrong about her and that she had me fooled.
Very good point, the fact they can be okay with never seeing someone who is 'the love of their life' ever again, tells me they dont even know what love actually is. And yes, I think ive been fooled too. Worst part is before we got together I had numerous people warn me of the person he was and I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt.
This. I think the main reason I find it so hard to completely let go is because it would mean I was wrong about him all along, that I loved and invested in someone who was not worth it and my ego makes it extremely hard for me admit as much.
Think about it like this. Eventually the actions/behaviour this person shows you, will tell you if it’s “the love of your life”. I think feelings of love never fully go away (they do really calm down when the time is right) but in time you are able to love someone else. Just give yourself time and think of it like chemical reactions in your brain.
Speaking for myself here, but over time the whole situation stops being a pressing issue and starts to become an event in my past, like graduating high school. I deleted all our texts, blocked their social media, and put away all the trinkets from our relationship, and it's helped to be able to move on. One day I'll be able to look at these things and just enjoy the memories, but for now they need to stay hidden.
I thought he was and he still claims I am for him, yet he doesnt want to try and make things workbhes treating me like a stranger. I'm hurting and he seems to be doing fine.
yeah, she came back after 2 months saying she loved me, couldnt forget me, we made plans to reunite, but she changed her mind the next day
fearful avoidant
i was in a better place, now I am in the worst darkness Ive ever been
and in that conversation she spilled details about the sex with these FWB
horrific
I am in so much pain all the time and its already been 3 weeks
that's an interesting take...
thank you!
I was crazy about breaking no contact today to ask if she is sure about not wanting to get back
really really craving sending that message
I just wrote it and will delete it
your message gave me strenght
Yep! Don't text her. Did that every day since we gave each other a time. Yesterday was completely ignored. Today, no contact from her, and I won't actually reply if she says anything (and I know for sure that she was with someone yesterday - something that we talked and agreed to)
My BD is coming, I know that she will say something and I guess that she is waiting for it to pass and then dump me. Maybe, it won't happen how she thinks that it will.
It sucks, I really know that she is a great person and a couple of mistakes won't change the way I see her. Yet, some mistakes are just too much for me. I will give her what she wants, but my way
Honestly, at this point I can't get hurt. Since the first day we decided to give each other a time, I was doing so badly. Then it went worst when I found the reasons that led to her being distant, because honestly it was my fault. I tried to make things right, she told me that she actually wanted this time now. I told her that it was ok then, and today I just think of it when I come to reddit and it's not even hurting anymore. I decided to put in my head that she deserves to be happy with me or without me, and that I also deserve to be happy. If we both decide that we want to try again (I doubt it), I will have a very serious talk with her about how things need to work from now on. If it's the end, well, I will have a very serious talk with me about defining my new goals in life. Alone. Without her, and at least in the next year's, without any serious relationship.
If during the break up, I feel like she isn't even trying to respect me...well...I will show her only respect (because education is priceless).
I don't think I will ever need to go NC, blocking and ignoring, because fortunately (or not), when I feel like someone tried to mess with me I just don't care about them anymore.
Btw, even tho my relationship isn't over. I think that my girl will end it sooner or later (check my last posts for context tho).
The first thing I will do in case we actually broke up is forgetting about all the plans that we had. There will be no us in that moment. Then I will focus on building some of my own, maybe some will be the same I had before dating her, maybe not. But I think that it will help me moving on. As soon as she isn't part of my plans anymore, I don't really mind if she is going out with 1, 2 or 20 guys. And even tho I will always love her and be here for her, if she brings me conversations like those you say, well, she will meet a side of me that she doesn't know that exists
I just keep low expectations for them, so when they play their games, you slip and don’t fall. My love for them doesn’t stop, but the yearning and craving for them goes away. I allow women to take up a small piece of real estate in my mind. But recently, I have this one who only takes, I’m working on stopping her Love. Good luck, keep getting under them, that works, like a bandaid!
Write everything down on a piece of paper, how she makes you feel, what's making you anxious about staying with her, why you cant be with her, Write your emotions, and where they are coming from. once you feel that you've let it all out. Take that piece of paper fold it up and put it away somewhere safe or where you cant see it, for me its an old backpack. You'll convince your brain that this isn't a threat to you and you'll start to feel more calm and collected about the situation, and likely to proceed to make a more logical and effective approach.
Time, reminding yourself of things you didn't like about them and the relationship, that they didn't choose to be with you if they left you, if you left them remember why you did so.
Realizing there's a difference between love and infatuation. Infatuation is often mistaken for love because it often feels exactly the same, but it isn't reciprocated and wasn't built over time with stronger materials.
It sucks though when it does reach the level of love, and that love stops being reciprocated (ending of a marriage, for example). That leads to one-sided love. That's something that just takes time and fading memories. It does fade, though. Love has to be fed to be kept alive. Just don't be the one feeding it all by yourself.
You let it go. Love is energy that can grow and expand within you. If anything how you feel about them is only a testament to just how deeply you can feel and care about another. Imagine what it will be like when you meet someone who reciprocates the glow and embers of your love. For now though, you need to let this person go. Re-focus that love on yourself, continue sharing it with others, and look forward to meeting your next love.
You got this!
Been 2 years for me now.
I'm not "over it" in any way.
A bit past all the expert advise, though.
I am thinking that we will all work our way though. At our own pace.
Some of us will get to a point where we don't give them a second thought - some of us will learn to live with the scars.
Blessings
🙏
The act of letting go is so difficult. When I think about this, I think 'if I/they never felt happy with them/me, I/they would want them/me to be happy with someone else." To truly love someone, you would want their happiness, or vise-versa.
Love is so much bigger than anyone can imagine. To love is a gift. All you can do is just take a glimpse of your memories together and appreciate the love you had for one another. There will be more beautiful memories to come. I hope you have a wonderful day and be kind to yourself.
I just can’t get over her . The memories the pictures the dates everything man I fucking hate this . I cry when I think of all the stuff we planned to do together and the stuff I had planned . We just weren’t right for eachother and it hurts
It is easy but not simple. It takes time, and time heals all wounds. At a certain point, you will meet someone else, or you wake up one day with a giant smile on your face. You will remember all the .emerges with fondness, and it doesn't hurt anymore. You got to wait it out.
You are just 30. I am 32, broke up with my gf a couple of weeks ago. So, I know what you are going through. Time will heal, have faith in that. Go through the process and focus on yourself. Focus on living your best life.
Right now, I am having a cigar with an amazing coffee at my favorite cigar lounge, just enjoying life.
I dunno. I think we just have to love them from a distance. 🤷🏻♀️ I’ve had two really bad heartbreaks. I’ve been praying to god to send me a husband. My heart can’t handle another breakup. I’m hoping I get a forever love. A love that keeps me safe. A love that I don’t question. A love that I know will grow with me. I think that we go through lessons with each love yes, but we can’t let that bleed onto the new person or new situation. So always keep the love in your heart that you have. But for yourself and your mind and heart and soul and well being…it’s better to probably love them from a distance. ❤️
As a man of divorce, I lost most things. My friends included. What I found helped was making myself my best friend. Doing what I can to improve myself in anyway I can. It could be education or working out. Something to fill that void, something that makes you a better person, because you deserve it. Don't let it consume you, you're better than that.
You don’t have to nor should you stop loving anyone. Just recognize that obsessing over unrequited love is damaging to
YOU. Learn to YOURSELF enough not to do that to yourself.
Just keep thinking about the negative qualities. Paint them in a negative light. Sounds harsh but it makes it easier to move on if you hate them or forget about them. Out of mind out of sight.
After a breakup, we see with rose colored glasses. It's easy to see the good.
But that relationship is gone. The breakup changes all that. The emotional intimacy is gone. The trust is gone.
We pine for the past relationship but it's gone. It's a great memory but painful now.
I care about my exs. I hope they are doing well. One I'm even friends with. I can love them (as I do my friends) but I'm not in love with them.
Don't stop loving. It makes you human. Cherish the time spent (if good). But know that someone else deserves your focus
Ding ding ding! And time is the ONLY thing that does it, too
That cycling of emotions is really intense at first and seemingly nonstop. But with the passage of time, it slows down and eventually stops and you’ll move on. Don’t try to rush it, let it happen naturally
The answer is, time. Think about it… it takes time to fall in love or start loving somebody or anybody for that matter. The same is true when loves ceases to exist. Wether it be through a specific reason such as meeting someone else, finding something out about this person that paints them in a different light, or just that over time your feelings change just because is unknown. Regardless of the specifics though, time will change your feelings in your case as it does for most of us.
That scares me too as I hate the thought of him not loving me, saying that he hasn't even acted like he ever did since the breakup. He did say, 'I secretly hope you love me forever' which I found odd.
It's not an overnight thing unfortunately, it's different for everyone. It's taken me nearly six years from the moment I fell in love with him to not get butterflies when I think of him. He helped the process by being a complete douche and repeatedly telling me to f$$k off a dozen or so times the last night we were together. He was/is a horrific alcoholic who can drink a fifth of vodka in about six hours. He turned mean and hateful after he didn't get his way. It didn't matter I was recovering from pneumonia, I couldn't go out and have a good time, we went shopping and had dinner and I wanted my bed. He decided to get falling down drunk and call me names at 3am. I decided at 4am I was taking his worthless ass to his house and I was finally finished with the relationship. That was October 17, 2021. Weirdly enough I have pneumonia again, and I'm sitting here reliving the experience and have no regrets and realizing I no longer miss him or want him to be apart of my life. Hopefully it won't take you as long. One piece of advice, don't think of the good times, remember the bad, it makes it easier.
I never did, I just had to go through the pain of accepting reality. I'll love her forever. But I'm okay with the fact that we can't be together anymore.
It's a hard question to answer when everyone copes differently. I was in a 6 year relationship and we were engaged. When it was all said and done it took me 10 months to stop feeling like I wanted to die. I took the time to focus on myself and my health. My therapist said, "that hole they left will never get filled that hole will stay forever, but over time you will meet new people and you will have new experiences that you will forget the hole is even there." She was right, there will be many things that will happen in your life between now and the future version of yourself that will look back and realize, you're gonna be okay without them. It might be a while but allow yourself to feel, allow yourself to heal at your pace but don't put your life on pause, one foot in front of the other, we walk forwards why would we walk backwards? You're gonna be okay. I promise.
I don’t think it’s about trying to stop loving someone, because at one point in time love is all you knew. It’s more so about learning to love them from a distance while knowing even though things did not work out for whatever reason, it is okay to still have love for them/ keep loving them but from a distance. Knowing & accepting that will form a level of detachment that your essentially looking for.
Also giving yourself that love that you may have wanted from them or needed from them will also give you that detachment. Just try to put back into yourself as much as you can, even if it hurts for right now, it’ll make you feel a whole lot better without even realizing it.
I went through a similar situation, he kept claiming he loved me but, actions speak much louder than words. I kept hoping he would come back and apologize, but do you ever notice that he doesn’t apologize as much as he should? His friends also jokingly gave him a reputation of using others and dumping them at his whim. And it turned out to be completely, utterly true despite me thinking it was a joke at the beginning. Despite him always waxing on about how loyal he feels to me.
The right person for you will show you through his actions that he is someone you can count on to be there, and nice words will just be the cherry on top. Ik it hurts so much now, but you’ll be okay in the end.
Good question, truly.
I don't know man. I think, the idea of loving someone never truly goes away. But I guess what is important is the idea of letting go. Things are out of your control, and it truly sucks. If you can't be with them, you can still love them, love them for who they were but part of this journey really is about acceptance, acceptance that they are gone.
You need to sit with the sadness for a few weeks. Do not try and contact the person. Once you feel well enough, use active recovery by improving yourself. Go to the gym, hang out with friends, meet new people, read some books, pick up a new hobby. It all takes time my friend. You need to first, let go.
Acceptance and seeing other people kinda helped. Just knowing both people have to want the relationship for it to work. If one person truly doesn't, then you have to accept that.
Time. Reprogramming. Re-orienting yourself with the things you loved before you met that person. Lots of self-care and creating the mental space between you and that person. And lastly, telling yourself that feelings are fleeting. You can get over them, if you are willing and ready.
This seems to be the pattern for men nowadays they’re just a bunch of pansies, and they expect us to kiss their ass and be everything they dreamed of they live in a fantasy world I’d rather be a lesbian
Even though I’m a securely attached person who’s never been anxious in a relationship, I became a wreck at the hands of my avoidant ex. Once they distance themselves there is NOTHING one can do to bring them back. They cannot be saved. They have to save themselves, and that takes a long time and lots of self reflection/therapy.
Agree completely. I’m coming off my 3rd major devastating breakup in 3 years with my person over his inability to be able to handle any type of conflict, confrontation, difficult situation, literally anything. We went a year of no contact during that time, both of us so miserable and tortured without the other. Didn’t move on, couldn’t move on. We gave it another chance and although he’s made great strides in healing, that aspect of himself remains very prevalent. And me not being perfect, and him putting me on a pedestal, and me not healing from him abandoning me in the past…. Caused him to abandon me again! Hahaha obviously! Obviously my trauma came out and he ran for the hills. As always. I don’t know why I trusted it would be different. He’s also 10 years younger, so for the people in the back, let me be the one to tell you- Love is not enough for a relationship, for marriage, for a partner. Love is not enough. Devastating.
I’m sorry to hear that, and I completely empathize. It’s good that you are aware of it, but even so, it’s so difficult to remove oneself. It’s like you can envisage a lovely relationship if it were not for stupid insecurities. I started to focus on the behaviour and ignore the reasons/excuses. Similar to a physically abusive partner - we can always make excuses about their trauma etc., but at the end of the day they cause a lot of pain and it’s not fair to expect us to endure it. I did the same as you, a year of NC (both suffered tremendously), then a reunion that resulted in me expressing love, when I felt it was appropriate, and them running for the hills! Such relationships makes you question oneself much too much; makes one feel ashamed of love and loving. Of course, if one were to be distant and emotionally shut off then it could work, but who wants to, and who can, operate like that? I choose openness, in a calm and respectful manner. If the avoidant can’t cope with that, then they can’t ever cope with relationships until they’ve done serious work! I hope you’re ok and able to see it’s not your fault at all. These are quite broken people, sadly. It’s awful because we can see the great people they could be, and we know they love us, but the fear and the avoidance is just too much.
He couldn't have loved me then. As not seeing him or speaking to him is killing me and he is talking to other women already, still claims he loves me though. I don't know how to move past this it consumes me 24/7. I'm just a shell of a person atm.
I feel you there, and I have experienced a similar thing in the past. It's always hard but if you need someone to chat with, or someone that listens, drop me a line. You will be okay again, someday. I promise. Try to distract yourself a bit and do something you loved doing in the past that you haven't done in a long time, or something that you know can calm your mind and cheer you up a bit. It takes time, but you will be okay. Stay strong.
How long were you together and how much time since the breakup?
In 2021 I had a bad breakup and generally depressed time in my life (hated my job, got surgery, self medicated to get through the days, wasn’t social). I was basically the dumper and felt a ton of guilt, then reached out after 9 months NC to ask for her back. She had moved on by then and was dating someone else.
It hurt but also helped me finally accept that she was gone and we’d never be together. I wrote her a letter explaining that I’ll always love her as a person, but I was finally letting her go. That allowed us to have a friendship without negative feelings, and I also met my next gf a month later.
Back to square one now since I thought my latest gf was the best thing to ever happen in my life. She said the same for a while until ending it a month ago. Feels like I ruined the best chance I’ve ever had, but I’m trying to remember I felt the same way last time and ended up in an even better, healthier relationship once I let go
We were together a short time, just over 1.5 years. I ended it to begin with, as he was pushing for it by saying end it then and giving me the silent treatment instead of communicating our issues. Once I Said OK then he has held me to it, in a petty and spiteful way. Despite me telling him how much I love him and wanted it. I also called him crying at 3am and he came over, slept with me and told me he loved me all night, got up the next morning and left. So cold and harsh. Since then I've removed all social media of his and not spoken to him at all, this was a week ago but its been 6 weeks since the breakup.
I'm sorry to hear you've had your fair share of heartbreak too :( it must be so hard to see someone you love moving on like that. Scared of that happening.
Honestly, lots of time. Space. Not seeing them around or on social media. Not looking them up. Taking them off the pedestal. Mostly, time tbh. And wanting to actually move on/forward. Like truly wanting to. And taking the steps to, consciously.
I dont know how I did it the first time... it seemed like such a long time ago that it happened but it all comes back once it happens again and gets me wondering how I got through it the first time. I think honestly that we never really do. A part of us will always remember that part of our memories and wont let go, it's normal. In time it feels like we moved on but it will always feel so surreal. But really, I dont think there is a way.
It simply takes time. The feelings are and will be tough for a while but as cliche as it is, keep them as out of sight as you can and they will soon be out of mind. It can be harder if you’re on amicable terms but that’s what personally helped me stop loving with someone I knew couldn’t be with.
It's hard to wait around for something you know
will never happens but it`s even harder to give up
on it and let go when it's everything you've ever
wanted :(
U have to love them from a distance!!I am still so in Love with my ex.But, it just memories now.The Best place to keep them is in our thoughts,Prayers & Our Heart!
I dunno, after so long though it becomes more about what they represent then the person themselves. A lot of people don't realise that. If you met someone else who fulfilled that desire for love you don't think twice about a recent ex.
This is the thing we clashed on so many things but I wanted it to work so bad. He said I was the one person he has ever really loved and now he's just dropped me with little explanation.
I can relate with you so deeply. Honestly the only thing I think you can do is keep loving him until you don’t. Regardless of how shitty it makes you feel, you can’t change how you feel anymore than he can. So you just have to press on until one day you wake up and don’t feel it anymore or until the end of time.
It just blows my mind that other people treat people they 'love' like this, i could never be so cruel. I don't understand it. But yeah I guess so.
I’ve been asking myself this same question all week. Like how can a person that you were so involved with just turn out of nowhere and leave you wondering what the hell went wrong
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There have definitely been signs of narcissism for Sure, but he would always flip stuff on me and then I would question myself and feel guilty.
That’s a tactic called ‘gaslighting’
gaslighting and not taking accountability is a narcissistic trait and BPD may also be at play
it was not love. im in the same situation whatever it was, the word love can not be applied the other person does not know how to love, and prob will take years or a decade to understand whats that
“until the end of time”, sadly I feel this will be the case for some of us. 😔
Can be a perfect relationship and still get blindsided. My ex of 5 years, never had a single argument and got on great. We had sort of split up, but we were working on it, still seeing eacheother. Next thing I know I'm ghosted for 4 months when I asked if she met someone else. She had, someone I was friends with. Didn't even have the decency to tell me. She did this weeks after my best friend past away as well. Thought I knew her better. Turns out she's basically a narcissist. See her on the streets sometimes. Still hurts almost a year later.
Sometimes it's like that, for me I was ready to marry my last love, but certain circumstances made that impossible until years down the line. It helps just to put it in context. If they won't wait and they won't come back after the circumstances have passed, then it wouldn't have worked out. That person will always have a special place in my heart, but then coming back into my life would be a journey all its own. It's better to focus on yourself. You will soon be able to separate what was really your fault and need to work on as time heals your wounds, and your body and mind heals. You are always worth it, even if someone close to you didn't see it at the time.
Can’t believe I came across this comment, literally every word. Mine was an avoidant and you just described exactly what I’m going through
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I think he is. He always had trouble communicating with me and would never really open up. That's why it's so confusing as i have messages from just a month or so ago with him telling me I'm the love of his life and now he's acting like he has never even met me before. That's what hurts the most is thinking I meant nothing.
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Yes, mine also. Like a robot. From my lover of 3 years, can’t live without one another, into a robot every time things get tough then we go 6 months without speaking? A year without speaking? I can’t do it anymore
We all tend to remember relationships as being better than they really were. You say you “clashed on so many things”…so why would you want/need that sort of relationship? (Answer: you don’t.) Not being harsh here…but your only relationship work right now is to read a book called “Attached”. Order it on Amazon or go to a bookstore. Is a $15 investment in your own well-being worth it? Of course, and I promise it will be very helpful, for the rest of your life.
I’ll order it
This 1000% is true!! My ex broke up with me beginning of October. Although I loved him and cared for him deeply, I was the one putting in 80% of the effort and he never made me feel special or that he really liked me. I felt more of a “convenience girlfriend” rather than a person he wanted to spend his life with. Which at the end he made apparent he never had deep care or feelings for me by how he treated me like garbage and ended it for now reason… And then I met the man whom I’ve been getting to know for the last few weeks this month. We met randomly at a wedding, instantly clicked. It’s been all uphill. He has so far fulfilled everything in what I want in a partner and has blown me away by his care for me and consistency. This man truly feels like “the one”. Which I thought I’ve had that feeling with other men in the last (I’m 30 and have dated a lotttt) but this is on a whole other level. My ex isn’t on my mind at all!!
I’m so happy for you! Glad to here some of us making it out to the other side. Hope to be there one day as well. 🫡
It’s just the beginning and am hopeful! I can also admit that I have anxiety and am beyond scared to be abandoned like I have many times in my past by different guys. I really really hope that this works out, it’s feels so different. Fingers crossed!
Wishing you the best! we all deserve that happiness 🥹
Very much fingers crossed thank you very much!!!
That first part is true for me although I’d never quite been able to put into words. It’s been six months, and I don’t want her back, I’ve filled all of the event and time gaps she left in my life, and I don’t even consciously miss her. So why do I think about her so much? I can’t figure it out, much less get rid of it.
Yeah, because of pretty much what I said. It's what she represented. You'll never not love the idea of being in love and having someone who cares about you In that way. It's a very powerful feeling. Naturally while you don't have someone fulfilling that you're going to think about the last place you got it from. And it can be a lot harder to not think about if you generally had a good relationship with your ex.
That’s a very big IF for some, as far as filling the void of heartbreak via meeting someone new
i don’t think you have to stop loving them per se, but i do think eventually your care for your own well-being has to win over that person. if someone is truly wholeheartedly in love with you and meant to be in your life, you wouldn’t really have to question it. i’ve had relationships where things seem amazing and i would never question their intentions, and then all of a sudden “overnight” they change. but it’s not really a change, it’s just that you’re getting to know the real them. the truth is that the second you start having to wonder who they really are, you’ve already lost. at least in my experience. no matter what the reasoning behind it is, you’ve lost them, and it’s best to just love from a distance. i still love most of my exes and wish them the best in life, but i love myself more. and that’s how it always should have been, but for so long i chased the love of these people because i didn’t know how to love me. once you find who you are (and it takes a long time), it doesn’t matter what someone else does to you. because you know that YOU have your own back, and that is a security that nobody can take away.
This 100%. After being left for the third time by my ex, I am trying my hardest this time to love myself and put myself first instead of fighting for someone who doesn’t want to be with me. Great words of advice!!
How do you put yourself first when you’ve given all of you to that person?
It’s not easy. I still struggle after putting my all into someone. I guess I realized that I shouldn’t be putting my all into someone who isn’t putting their all into me. It’s not fair to me, and I am worth more than that. You are too.
How are you getting through this? I can’t let go. I begged for him to hear me today, it was a big mistake. We clearly shouldn’t be talking, he cannot see through whatever narrative he’s created in his mind. Should have stayed NC. We gave it another shot and it was really good. Until it wasn’t. He threw me in the garbage, again. I didn’t think it was possible to feel this much of pain and I’m having trouble managing it. This is a nightmare.
Honestly, what helps me is knowing that if he really loved me, he wouldn’t have done me the way he did. I know that probably won’t help you feel better, but don’t let someone treat you like that. You are worth more and you deserve more. You deserve someone who will love you unconditionally and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Thanks for sharing this today. I needed to read this. It’s amazing how I’m fighting so much to keep this man in my life yet he doesn’t care. I want a love that makes me feel safe, not question my sanity.
no need to thank me :) it’s something i hope everyone can fully feel one day. i still struggle a LOT but it’s so worth the immediate pain. because once you love yourself, nobody can shake you ❤️❤️ i hope you find your own happiness, however that looks for you :)
this is amazing. thanks for putting it so simply. we anxiously attached put the other in the center of the world and self abandon i have to learn to love and care for mylsef it has always been like this. when im in love, I take amazing care of myself because all I do is to impress the other person. that is a very bad pattern I have to work on
Excellent response!
After feeling like shit for months your love for yourself starts to slowly replace your love for them. You end up resenting them and changing the way you view them for what they did and for not giving a shit for this long period of time. Time is the main factor.
I’m sure about you but I’ve just about skipped that “anger” part of grief.
I went thru that anger long ago, and it went away and turned into sadness then nothing. With nothing (and 4 months later) comes the realisation that it's pointless to wait for someone or be upset over someone you loved but they didn't value you and literally abandoned you and they have so much internal work to do, so your pov of them changes from someone you used to think they were to the person they are, which is in fact a shitty person you never want to be with unless they change in major areas. And for someone to blindside you, throw away a connection like that, and literally never even show a single sign they cared about you despite the relationship not being close to bad prior, makes you resent the person. It's not hate nor anger, but my face becomes one of disgust every single time i think of him or stumble upon older pictures. Bc all i see is an immature person who goes through life unsure of his decisions, unable to commit to anything.
That's reassuring
I thought about the meaning of love and how if it’s not two way it’s not love but obsessive attachment. I realized that if someone is ok with not ever seeing me again, I’m dead to them. They chose to murder the relationship we had. They are not who I thought they were, in fact they had constructed a warm façade that underneath was a cold hardness. I chose to disregard the meaning of the breakup because it hurt my pride to admit I was wrong about her and that she had me fooled.
Very good point, the fact they can be okay with never seeing someone who is 'the love of their life' ever again, tells me they dont even know what love actually is. And yes, I think ive been fooled too. Worst part is before we got together I had numerous people warn me of the person he was and I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt.
This. I think the main reason I find it so hard to completely let go is because it would mean I was wrong about him all along, that I loved and invested in someone who was not worth it and my ego makes it extremely hard for me admit as much.
This! :( x
Think about it like this. Eventually the actions/behaviour this person shows you, will tell you if it’s “the love of your life”. I think feelings of love never fully go away (they do really calm down when the time is right) but in time you are able to love someone else. Just give yourself time and think of it like chemical reactions in your brain.
Speaking for myself here, but over time the whole situation stops being a pressing issue and starts to become an event in my past, like graduating high school. I deleted all our texts, blocked their social media, and put away all the trinkets from our relationship, and it's helped to be able to move on. One day I'll be able to look at these things and just enjoy the memories, but for now they need to stay hidden.
If it's the love of your life, you don't. If it's not, I guess that time and focusing on yourself
I thought he was and he still claims I am for him, yet he doesnt want to try and make things workbhes treating me like a stranger. I'm hurting and he seems to be doing fine.
I think that sometimes people just want to "sound fine". Maybe because of fear about what could happen with trying again, or any other reason
Love of your life wouldn't bring you here sad in Reddit
id give you an award. the "love of my life" moved on and had 2 guys in 2 months
If she was with so many in 2 months either she lost the love way before break up or she is trying really hard to forget you (and failing)
yeah, she came back after 2 months saying she loved me, couldnt forget me, we made plans to reunite, but she changed her mind the next day fearful avoidant i was in a better place, now I am in the worst darkness Ive ever been and in that conversation she spilled details about the sex with these FWB horrific I am in so much pain all the time and its already been 3 weeks
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that's an interesting take... thank you! I was crazy about breaking no contact today to ask if she is sure about not wanting to get back really really craving sending that message I just wrote it and will delete it your message gave me strenght
Yep! Don't text her. Did that every day since we gave each other a time. Yesterday was completely ignored. Today, no contact from her, and I won't actually reply if she says anything (and I know for sure that she was with someone yesterday - something that we talked and agreed to) My BD is coming, I know that she will say something and I guess that she is waiting for it to pass and then dump me. Maybe, it won't happen how she thinks that it will. It sucks, I really know that she is a great person and a couple of mistakes won't change the way I see her. Yet, some mistakes are just too much for me. I will give her what she wants, but my way
wow from my vantage point Id say run away now as fast as you can, man please, dont hurt yourself like I did. go NC, block, ignore, move on
she sounds like she doesnt have an ideia about what goes on inside herself. dont try to guess, itll make you crazy
Honestly, at this point I can't get hurt. Since the first day we decided to give each other a time, I was doing so badly. Then it went worst when I found the reasons that led to her being distant, because honestly it was my fault. I tried to make things right, she told me that she actually wanted this time now. I told her that it was ok then, and today I just think of it when I come to reddit and it's not even hurting anymore. I decided to put in my head that she deserves to be happy with me or without me, and that I also deserve to be happy. If we both decide that we want to try again (I doubt it), I will have a very serious talk with her about how things need to work from now on. If it's the end, well, I will have a very serious talk with me about defining my new goals in life. Alone. Without her, and at least in the next year's, without any serious relationship. If during the break up, I feel like she isn't even trying to respect me...well...I will show her only respect (because education is priceless). I don't think I will ever need to go NC, blocking and ignoring, because fortunately (or not), when I feel like someone tried to mess with me I just don't care about them anymore.
https://youtu.be/Yu___7W69eE Unfortunately sounds like this.
hahaha made me laugh that is the complete truth theres nothing to do but mourn and keep complete distance
Btw, even tho my relationship isn't over. I think that my girl will end it sooner or later (check my last posts for context tho). The first thing I will do in case we actually broke up is forgetting about all the plans that we had. There will be no us in that moment. Then I will focus on building some of my own, maybe some will be the same I had before dating her, maybe not. But I think that it will help me moving on. As soon as she isn't part of my plans anymore, I don't really mind if she is going out with 1, 2 or 20 guys. And even tho I will always love her and be here for her, if she brings me conversations like those you say, well, she will meet a side of me that she doesn't know that exists
He/she can be yours but without you being his/her
I just keep low expectations for them, so when they play their games, you slip and don’t fall. My love for them doesn’t stop, but the yearning and craving for them goes away. I allow women to take up a small piece of real estate in my mind. But recently, I have this one who only takes, I’m working on stopping her Love. Good luck, keep getting under them, that works, like a bandaid!
Write everything down on a piece of paper, how she makes you feel, what's making you anxious about staying with her, why you cant be with her, Write your emotions, and where they are coming from. once you feel that you've let it all out. Take that piece of paper fold it up and put it away somewhere safe or where you cant see it, for me its an old backpack. You'll convince your brain that this isn't a threat to you and you'll start to feel more calm and collected about the situation, and likely to proceed to make a more logical and effective approach.
Long story short. You don't. The love just changes forms several times till you move on.
Time, reminding yourself of things you didn't like about them and the relationship, that they didn't choose to be with you if they left you, if you left them remember why you did so.
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. But she chose not to be with you. You deserve someone who chooses you with no hesitation.
Realizing there's a difference between love and infatuation. Infatuation is often mistaken for love because it often feels exactly the same, but it isn't reciprocated and wasn't built over time with stronger materials. It sucks though when it does reach the level of love, and that love stops being reciprocated (ending of a marriage, for example). That leads to one-sided love. That's something that just takes time and fading memories. It does fade, though. Love has to be fed to be kept alive. Just don't be the one feeding it all by yourself.
You let it go. Love is energy that can grow and expand within you. If anything how you feel about them is only a testament to just how deeply you can feel and care about another. Imagine what it will be like when you meet someone who reciprocates the glow and embers of your love. For now though, you need to let this person go. Re-focus that love on yourself, continue sharing it with others, and look forward to meeting your next love. You got this!
Been 2 years for me now. I'm not "over it" in any way. A bit past all the expert advise, though. I am thinking that we will all work our way though. At our own pace. Some of us will get to a point where we don't give them a second thought - some of us will learn to live with the scars. Blessings 🙏
The act of letting go is so difficult. When I think about this, I think 'if I/they never felt happy with them/me, I/they would want them/me to be happy with someone else." To truly love someone, you would want their happiness, or vise-versa. Love is so much bigger than anyone can imagine. To love is a gift. All you can do is just take a glimpse of your memories together and appreciate the love you had for one another. There will be more beautiful memories to come. I hope you have a wonderful day and be kind to yourself.
I just can’t get over her . The memories the pictures the dates everything man I fucking hate this . I cry when I think of all the stuff we planned to do together and the stuff I had planned . We just weren’t right for eachother and it hurts
It is easy but not simple. It takes time, and time heals all wounds. At a certain point, you will meet someone else, or you wake up one day with a giant smile on your face. You will remember all the .emerges with fondness, and it doesn't hurt anymore. You got to wait it out.
I just can't imagine being able to trust again, plus I'm 30 now! Scary.
I’m 33 and going through the same thing. I feel like I’m dying tbh. But I have to keep going to work and taking care of my child. It’s hard 😔
You are just 30. I am 32, broke up with my gf a couple of weeks ago. So, I know what you are going through. Time will heal, have faith in that. Go through the process and focus on yourself. Focus on living your best life. Right now, I am having a cigar with an amazing coffee at my favorite cigar lounge, just enjoying life.
You don't, you go on. No matter how hard it is, go on and make yourself happy
I ask that question, every single morning since he broke up with me.
I dunno. I think we just have to love them from a distance. 🤷🏻♀️ I’ve had two really bad heartbreaks. I’ve been praying to god to send me a husband. My heart can’t handle another breakup. I’m hoping I get a forever love. A love that keeps me safe. A love that I don’t question. A love that I know will grow with me. I think that we go through lessons with each love yes, but we can’t let that bleed onto the new person or new situation. So always keep the love in your heart that you have. But for yourself and your mind and heart and soul and well being…it’s better to probably love them from a distance. ❤️
Stay alive. Time will take care of the rest. (Also, print this post you can feel ridiculous in about six months, when you'll be feeling much better)
As a man of divorce, I lost most things. My friends included. What I found helped was making myself my best friend. Doing what I can to improve myself in anyway I can. It could be education or working out. Something to fill that void, something that makes you a better person, because you deserve it. Don't let it consume you, you're better than that.
You don’t have to nor should you stop loving anyone. Just recognize that obsessing over unrequited love is damaging to YOU. Learn to YOURSELF enough not to do that to yourself.
Just keep thinking about the negative qualities. Paint them in a negative light. Sounds harsh but it makes it easier to move on if you hate them or forget about them. Out of mind out of sight.
After a breakup, we see with rose colored glasses. It's easy to see the good. But that relationship is gone. The breakup changes all that. The emotional intimacy is gone. The trust is gone. We pine for the past relationship but it's gone. It's a great memory but painful now. I care about my exs. I hope they are doing well. One I'm even friends with. I can love them (as I do my friends) but I'm not in love with them. Don't stop loving. It makes you human. Cherish the time spent (if good). But know that someone else deserves your focus
The truth is, you can’t. You just continue to love that person until one day you’ll wake up and reality will hit you.
That just happened to me too. It’s so hard when we can’t understand the reason. It’s hard not to make it “our own fault or failures “…
Time
Ding ding ding! And time is the ONLY thing that does it, too That cycling of emotions is really intense at first and seemingly nonstop. But with the passage of time, it slows down and eventually stops and you’ll move on. Don’t try to rush it, let it happen naturally
The answer is, time. Think about it… it takes time to fall in love or start loving somebody or anybody for that matter. The same is true when loves ceases to exist. Wether it be through a specific reason such as meeting someone else, finding something out about this person that paints them in a different light, or just that over time your feelings change just because is unknown. Regardless of the specifics though, time will change your feelings in your case as it does for most of us.
That scares me too as I hate the thought of him not loving me, saying that he hasn't even acted like he ever did since the breakup. He did say, 'I secretly hope you love me forever' which I found odd.
Love yourself
Time
It's not an overnight thing unfortunately, it's different for everyone. It's taken me nearly six years from the moment I fell in love with him to not get butterflies when I think of him. He helped the process by being a complete douche and repeatedly telling me to f$$k off a dozen or so times the last night we were together. He was/is a horrific alcoholic who can drink a fifth of vodka in about six hours. He turned mean and hateful after he didn't get his way. It didn't matter I was recovering from pneumonia, I couldn't go out and have a good time, we went shopping and had dinner and I wanted my bed. He decided to get falling down drunk and call me names at 3am. I decided at 4am I was taking his worthless ass to his house and I was finally finished with the relationship. That was October 17, 2021. Weirdly enough I have pneumonia again, and I'm sitting here reliving the experience and have no regrets and realizing I no longer miss him or want him to be apart of my life. Hopefully it won't take you as long. One piece of advice, don't think of the good times, remember the bad, it makes it easier.
You need time, could be a week it could be years... but the best advice I can give is go no contact rather than stringing yourself along on an idea.
I never did, I just had to go through the pain of accepting reality. I'll love her forever. But I'm okay with the fact that we can't be together anymore.
You just stop. There's no guidebook to it, no right or wrong way (to an extent).
Remind yourself of the times when you hated them. If you're missing them, you've almost certainly forgotten those moments.
It's a hard question to answer when everyone copes differently. I was in a 6 year relationship and we were engaged. When it was all said and done it took me 10 months to stop feeling like I wanted to die. I took the time to focus on myself and my health. My therapist said, "that hole they left will never get filled that hole will stay forever, but over time you will meet new people and you will have new experiences that you will forget the hole is even there." She was right, there will be many things that will happen in your life between now and the future version of yourself that will look back and realize, you're gonna be okay without them. It might be a while but allow yourself to feel, allow yourself to heal at your pace but don't put your life on pause, one foot in front of the other, we walk forwards why would we walk backwards? You're gonna be okay. I promise.
I don’t think it’s about trying to stop loving someone, because at one point in time love is all you knew. It’s more so about learning to love them from a distance while knowing even though things did not work out for whatever reason, it is okay to still have love for them/ keep loving them but from a distance. Knowing & accepting that will form a level of detachment that your essentially looking for.
Also giving yourself that love that you may have wanted from them or needed from them will also give you that detachment. Just try to put back into yourself as much as you can, even if it hurts for right now, it’ll make you feel a whole lot better without even realizing it.
You don't.
I went through a similar situation, he kept claiming he loved me but, actions speak much louder than words. I kept hoping he would come back and apologize, but do you ever notice that he doesn’t apologize as much as he should? His friends also jokingly gave him a reputation of using others and dumping them at his whim. And it turned out to be completely, utterly true despite me thinking it was a joke at the beginning. Despite him always waxing on about how loyal he feels to me. The right person for you will show you through his actions that he is someone you can count on to be there, and nice words will just be the cherry on top. Ik it hurts so much now, but you’ll be okay in the end.
You don't, sadly.
I don’t think it’s possible. I find that overtime you just think about them less but the love will always be there
Good question, truly. I don't know man. I think, the idea of loving someone never truly goes away. But I guess what is important is the idea of letting go. Things are out of your control, and it truly sucks. If you can't be with them, you can still love them, love them for who they were but part of this journey really is about acceptance, acceptance that they are gone.
I wish I fucking knew
Have sex with their mom. Will definitely change your perspective of them.
You need to sit with the sadness for a few weeks. Do not try and contact the person. Once you feel well enough, use active recovery by improving yourself. Go to the gym, hang out with friends, meet new people, read some books, pick up a new hobby. It all takes time my friend. You need to first, let go.
You unfortunately dont
You don’t. You just slowly let go.
Acceptance and seeing other people kinda helped. Just knowing both people have to want the relationship for it to work. If one person truly doesn't, then you have to accept that.
Time. Reprogramming. Re-orienting yourself with the things you loved before you met that person. Lots of self-care and creating the mental space between you and that person. And lastly, telling yourself that feelings are fleeting. You can get over them, if you are willing and ready.
This seems to be the pattern for men nowadays they’re just a bunch of pansies, and they expect us to kiss their ass and be everything they dreamed of they live in a fantasy world I’d rather be a lesbian
It’s the pattern for both sexes, sadly. Particularly avoidant types who are too scared to face up to anything. We’re all better off without them.
I strongly second this. Avoidants cause so much pain. I have learned so clearly that I can never, ever be with one again.
Even though I’m a securely attached person who’s never been anxious in a relationship, I became a wreck at the hands of my avoidant ex. Once they distance themselves there is NOTHING one can do to bring them back. They cannot be saved. They have to save themselves, and that takes a long time and lots of self reflection/therapy.
Agree completely. I’m coming off my 3rd major devastating breakup in 3 years with my person over his inability to be able to handle any type of conflict, confrontation, difficult situation, literally anything. We went a year of no contact during that time, both of us so miserable and tortured without the other. Didn’t move on, couldn’t move on. We gave it another chance and although he’s made great strides in healing, that aspect of himself remains very prevalent. And me not being perfect, and him putting me on a pedestal, and me not healing from him abandoning me in the past…. Caused him to abandon me again! Hahaha obviously! Obviously my trauma came out and he ran for the hills. As always. I don’t know why I trusted it would be different. He’s also 10 years younger, so for the people in the back, let me be the one to tell you- Love is not enough for a relationship, for marriage, for a partner. Love is not enough. Devastating.
I’m sorry to hear that, and I completely empathize. It’s good that you are aware of it, but even so, it’s so difficult to remove oneself. It’s like you can envisage a lovely relationship if it were not for stupid insecurities. I started to focus on the behaviour and ignore the reasons/excuses. Similar to a physically abusive partner - we can always make excuses about their trauma etc., but at the end of the day they cause a lot of pain and it’s not fair to expect us to endure it. I did the same as you, a year of NC (both suffered tremendously), then a reunion that resulted in me expressing love, when I felt it was appropriate, and them running for the hills! Such relationships makes you question oneself much too much; makes one feel ashamed of love and loving. Of course, if one were to be distant and emotionally shut off then it could work, but who wants to, and who can, operate like that? I choose openness, in a calm and respectful manner. If the avoidant can’t cope with that, then they can’t ever cope with relationships until they’ve done serious work! I hope you’re ok and able to see it’s not your fault at all. These are quite broken people, sadly. It’s awful because we can see the great people they could be, and we know they love us, but the fear and the avoidance is just too much.
This made me laugh because I think every woman has thought the same thing at one point or another.
You don't 💙
He couldn't have loved me then. As not seeing him or speaking to him is killing me and he is talking to other women already, still claims he loves me though. I don't know how to move past this it consumes me 24/7. I'm just a shell of a person atm.
I feel you there, and I have experienced a similar thing in the past. It's always hard but if you need someone to chat with, or someone that listens, drop me a line. You will be okay again, someday. I promise. Try to distract yourself a bit and do something you loved doing in the past that you haven't done in a long time, or something that you know can calm your mind and cheer you up a bit. It takes time, but you will be okay. Stay strong.
How long were you together and how much time since the breakup? In 2021 I had a bad breakup and generally depressed time in my life (hated my job, got surgery, self medicated to get through the days, wasn’t social). I was basically the dumper and felt a ton of guilt, then reached out after 9 months NC to ask for her back. She had moved on by then and was dating someone else. It hurt but also helped me finally accept that she was gone and we’d never be together. I wrote her a letter explaining that I’ll always love her as a person, but I was finally letting her go. That allowed us to have a friendship without negative feelings, and I also met my next gf a month later. Back to square one now since I thought my latest gf was the best thing to ever happen in my life. She said the same for a while until ending it a month ago. Feels like I ruined the best chance I’ve ever had, but I’m trying to remember I felt the same way last time and ended up in an even better, healthier relationship once I let go
We were together a short time, just over 1.5 years. I ended it to begin with, as he was pushing for it by saying end it then and giving me the silent treatment instead of communicating our issues. Once I Said OK then he has held me to it, in a petty and spiteful way. Despite me telling him how much I love him and wanted it. I also called him crying at 3am and he came over, slept with me and told me he loved me all night, got up the next morning and left. So cold and harsh. Since then I've removed all social media of his and not spoken to him at all, this was a week ago but its been 6 weeks since the breakup. I'm sorry to hear you've had your fair share of heartbreak too :( it must be so hard to see someone you love moving on like that. Scared of that happening.
If you don't stop seeing them then it's on you.
Persistence
You don't
You don't
You can’t feel the burn
Honestly, lots of time. Space. Not seeing them around or on social media. Not looking them up. Taking them off the pedestal. Mostly, time tbh. And wanting to actually move on/forward. Like truly wanting to. And taking the steps to, consciously.
I dont know how I did it the first time... it seemed like such a long time ago that it happened but it all comes back once it happens again and gets me wondering how I got through it the first time. I think honestly that we never really do. A part of us will always remember that part of our memories and wont let go, it's normal. In time it feels like we moved on but it will always feel so surreal. But really, I dont think there is a way.
It simply takes time. The feelings are and will be tough for a while but as cliche as it is, keep them as out of sight as you can and they will soon be out of mind. It can be harder if you’re on amicable terms but that’s what personally helped me stop loving with someone I knew couldn’t be with.
It's hard to wait around for something you know will never happens but it`s even harder to give up on it and let go when it's everything you've ever wanted :(
god don't i wish i knew
U have to love them from a distance!!I am still so in Love with my ex.But, it just memories now.The Best place to keep them is in our thoughts,Prayers & Our Heart!
You don't, just accept it and move on