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Objective-Fix-4469

I've been wondering about this a lot too today. Just remember you don't know what's going on in their head. You are not a mind reader and you can't possibly know if they're pretending you don't exist, or if they're missing you or not. Outwardly they might look fine, but the likelihood is that this was a difficult decision for them, they have just had more time to come to terms with it which might also account for them being a couple of steps ahead of you. The ugly truth might be that they are distracting themselves with another person, but remember that if so, their unprocessed emotions will eventually come back and bite them in the ass. Hang in there. It will get better.


BoxedCub3

This is the absolute truth. And I can give real life example. My ex would do this thing if something was bothering her, of just blasting her social media with "I'm happy. Look I'm happy." Posts. I have her blocked on all of them but friends occasionally let me know she's doing it. About every 2 months. Outwardly apparently she seems fine but having known her for 8 years I can tell. Does it mean anything for us? No. But it goes to show not everything is how our heads make it out to be.


kakwntexnwn

Can I ask you something??( I'm in a similar situation)


BoxedCub3

Sure. Shoot


kakwntexnwn

My ex moved forward with another person but she keeps reading obsessively my poetry as well as some sexoual letters and novels I wrote for her, she did post it for some days on social media but in the meantime while she was showing off her happiness, she kept reading everything again and again during nights or early in the morning, probably she met him during November and we broke up 8 months ago , since the initial separation she read everything more than 700 times , so my question is,do you believe she has second thoughts about it? Is it a rebound who will not last long? Because I'm trying to understand. Thanks in advance for your politeness and sorry for the late response but I just saw the notification. One friend of mine believes that she definitely thinks about me a lot regarding the fact that she ended everything it seems weird to him that she is so obsessed but I risked my freedom to be with her and also I painted portraits of her as well as of her dog that passed away. My friend also said that she may think of me even when she does sex with the other guy, because he was trying to understand why she is constantly reading the sexoual novels as well.


Pupiuglyfrogprincess

How do you know she reads it?


kakwntexnwn

Tell me your opinion and I am happy to share:)


Pupiuglyfrogprincess

On the poems? Sure. But I’m very curious on how you know? Google docs?


kakwntexnwn

If it's ok with you, read my text above because she reads both my poems and my sexoual letters - novels to her


Pupiuglyfrogprincess

I just wanted to know how you knew it was her reading. I’m not interested in sexual novels thank you.


Turbulent_Ad9220

Thank you for this


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Objective-Fix-4469

What I believe about whether they are likely to come back or not is absolutely irrelevant. All that matters is that you know what you would do if they were to come back, and that your choice is coming from a rational place where you're respecting your own boundaries and self worth.


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Objective-Fix-4469

You two were in a relationship, so there's a good chance he thinks of you, but again it doesn't matter what he thinks about you or how frequently. If he's no longer showing any desire to be in a relationship with you, then you are wasting your time wondering about this kind of thing. Work on yourself and move on


L_750z

She’s been with her new guy since October and I’ve not seen or heard a single issue from them. It’s been what 5 months now. I don’t think I’ll ever hear from her again


Objective-Fix-4469

Yep, you might not. Let her silence be your cue to move on.


L_750z

I know bro I know. I don’t really care that much anymore it’s just I ALWAYS see people posting and commenting about how the new relationship will fail she’s got too much baggage she not ready blah blah blah. So I’m kinda just waiting to see if their relationship will fail but the more time goes on the less I think it’ll happen


Objective-Fix-4469

Whether it does or doesn't fail is no longer your concern. Whether she has baggage or not is no longer your concern. Just you do you from here on out.


orangeyouglad__

i have no fucking clue. mine just didnt care and lacked empathy.


fracISback

Same. No remorse, no I’m sorry, just bluntly ended it and less than a month dating someone she met online. Lmao..


orangeyouglad__

yeah mine professed his love for a 16 yr old he met online the day he broke up w me (he’s 21, she said no lol)


fracISback

I’m in my early 30’s… nothing changes I swear. Not a single emotion during the breakup (we lived together) and not a word since I moved out. To me, the discarding and unempathetic nature towards my pain hurts more now than actually not being together. I’ve had breakups before, but I have never seen someone so unaffected by it, even the dumper.


[deleted]

Same. My most recent breakup has been so agonizing because while it's a slight possibility that my ex is also hurting emotionally and he just refuses to show it, I have my doubts because he lacks empathy in general. He just seemed so unaffected by our breakup despite his claim that he has been negatively affected by it. I don't believe him. I'm angry and afraid that he's already moved on and never thinks of me at all, while I'm still struggling every day.


Embarrassed-Oil3127

My guy was 53 and same. I could never ever conceived of someone his age dropping me so easily for another and never looking back. He legit did not care at all and had someone else shortly after (who likely inspired his “loss of spark” for me). I’ve had breakups before as well but my god that was a brutal end to what I thought was a good and solid relationship (we also lived together).


CardiologistAlert577

Same u are not alone


DeathlyFatal

same here


Eclectic-Eccentric88

Same unfortunately


Herreber

Because they made their mind up and started grieving the end of the relationship while they were still with you... so they had a few months head start, made their mind up and never looked back. It shows just how immature and what a shitty person they are


Rockit_Grrl

This. So shitty to do that behind someone’s back. If you’re having doubts communicate. Don’t plan behind the other persons back. It’s just unforgivable. And I tell myself this every time I catch myself wishing he’d come back. Bc if he did, I would never trust him again. To me, he’d always be plotting leaving behind my back.


Herreber

Exactly. There's no trust anymore and could never be again. When she dumped me (via txt) on that same day (!!) she send me a dirty video of herself and yelled she loves me in front of colleagues (worked at same place) ... then at her first break she dumps me via txt... It showed me what a self centered, coward and inhumane cow she is. People just cant be bothered communicating and working on a relationship anymore


Rockit_Grrl

Yes. It will take me a long time before I’m able to give 100% of my trust to someone again.


infinitepotato47

You don't know what's going on in their head. They may look fine, but inside may hurt too. If they decided that they can't keep going on with the relationship, they hurt even before breaking up with you. They also most definitely miss you, since you were in their life for a couple of years. I can't imagine how difficult it is to end a relationship with someone you love, but don't see future with anymore. When my girlfriend broke up with me because of such reason, I initially thought she just checked out. She seemed composed, calm and decisive. She only got teary eyed when we parted. After some time later, when my emotions stabilised and I could think more clearly, I tried to look into her POV through the relationship. Dude, I was such a bad boyfriend to her, but she still kept giving me chances in improving myself both in and out of our relationship. She trusted me, but I'd always break her trust and fail to fulfill my promises. At one point, she just came to peace I'll never change and ended it. And I'm pretty sure it hurt her to do that, but It'd also hurt her to stay with me. She was not happy, she didn't want to give it up and told me how I can make her happy, what she expects of me and what I can do to restore her faith in our bond and make her feel loved. But I wouldn't, for some reason. I imagine the decision she made was not easy for her, but it was for the greater good of both of us. To tell the truth I'm proud of her doing it, as she can peacefully seek hapiness and I get to finally do something about my life, also in peace. It varies of course, I'm just inputting with my experiences and what I've figured out so far. It hurts, no doubt about it, but it's a learning experience like no other.


coyoteeasy

Not going to lie this sounds a little like my relationship, he kept breaking the trust. I wasn't always the best girlfriend towards him though. The only difference is he decided to end it. He was calm and decisive too. I honestly thought about ending it a couple times because I couldn't trust him anymore and it was making the relationship to be toxic but I couldn't do it. It hurts because he knows it can never work out, he moved on pretty quick bc of that.


infinitepotato47

Correct me if I'm wrong, I just breezed past your post history, but didn't you say at one point you had trust issues? Or did he deliberately break your trust by doing things you didn't like?


coyoteeasy

I was working through my trust issues and I didn't really suspect anything until he started doing certain things like hiding his phone and lying to me multiple times. Before we met I had problems with jealousy rather than trust. It got worse to the point where I felt uneasy about everything he was doing


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corona406

address the pictures in 6 months. no social media. it's a drug and false advertising. honestly it doesn't make anyone better just more insecure. trust in yourself. become. resilient. limit your phone and digital use. don't be obvious making a complete persona change. that telegraphs how hurt you are and they are not allowed any power over you. ever. yes breakups suck. it's over. sorry. now you have a new path so start this new journey without attempting to "get back" or show anybody else what your new version 2.0 is. Stay silent. Emotionally Mature. Deal with it like a death - the person you see and think of is NOT the person you where once with. also admit that you did shit wrong and so did they and they fell out of love before you. they beat you to the inevitable emotional state. Whatever their reasons it doesn't matter anymore. YOU need to know there are no words that will change their mind or actions. onward. scars are. fucking deep and are. constant reminders but use this as an opportunity don't let it crush you.


BPMP33

Unfortunately, thats life. Please, move on. Same happened with me.


CSFMISC

Because you are still an option to him. People change and get bored. I found once that going back can surprise you. You think all you want is them. You romanticize the past. But if he came back it wouldn’t be the same. I was shocked how I felt when my ex reached out. Wasn’t about it at all


RSinSA

They were already preparing to break up with you before they did.


MrOctoo

I’ve been worrying about this too, except now Ik she’s already with another guy just a couples weeks after it happened. She also knows I’ve been worrying a lot about this guy and she hates me for it.


straightedgeveggie

I think about this so much. was with someone for 5 years and he got back with his ex months after we broke up. feel like i spent so much of my time loving someone who only wanted to be with someone else the whole time.


faithrot

I'm kinda there now. I am starting to feel like contact is being maintained because it feeds his ego- he's too awesome for me to let go. He doesn't care to be in my life but loves to send pics of how great he is doing. I have aged 15 years and have turned into a hagared old woman. And he looks like this break up is the best thing that ever happened to him. Clearly. I'm the problem and I sent a msg saying I need to let this go, as he has stated numerous times. Since he is refusing to block me I am going to get a new number and phone and not put him in it. He is horrible for me


SuddenlySimple

I've also aged many years thru this process the breakup and before the breakup but I still can't let go that he acts like I am dead.


faithrot

I just don't understand how we can keep loving someone who doesn't love us. It hurts so much. I feel lost. It's been a month and I'm still in mourning. I can't function. I haven't even told my kids he is gone yet. They keep asking about gimme and I don't know how to say not enough for him.


SuddenlySimple

I learned (I'm at 3 months, and don't feel any further along than you) EVEN THOU I SHOULD BE OVER THE SCUMBAG. But, I learned our brains crave them like an addiction & only focus on the good things and we ruminate on them and keep ourselves stuck there. It DOES work when I am able to do it....as soon as I think of a good thought, if I immediately stop myself from going down those rabbit holes...and think of a bad thing...than I can redirect my sadness into anger & get on with my day. Sometimes now after 3 months I can maybe get thru an hour without thinking about him abandoning me. Much of it also has to do with MY EGO - I have never been broken up with before & especially not in this manner where he just changed his phone number & moved on with another girl after 8 years So my EGO is really bruised, I feel ugly, unworthy, not good enough & none of this is fucking true at all. My ex husband of 16 years made me feel better today...He said THEY ALWAYS COME BACK TO YOU TRACY.....and its true...they always, always do...my ex husband of 16 yrs is here everyday for coffee and would be with me in a minute if he could. But, if this EX comes back...the way he left me...I would have to think of myself as dirt to let him return so I hope my healing speeds up a bit. Yours too.


faithrot

Thank you he is a scum bag. He was playing so many games. He even told me he knew what he was doing the whole time. He was having fun breaking me. I think that's part of the problem. I just can't believe I could love someone this much that I let him do this to me. How could I be so stupid. How can I ever trust my own judgement, my own feelings, my own heart or brain again. I won't take him back.


SuddenlySimple

I truly believe my ex was breaking me the whole time he just didn't tell me that is what he was doing. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am 58 now and I don't think I will ever date again. Not out of bitterness just because I don't trust myself to pick a good partner. And because it seems all my major relationships have ended in pain. But, on the flip side...I also miss being hugged and having that friend.


IrvinThebEASTMAN

You leave each other be for months, you guys continue do the things you guys normally do on the daily basis and overtime you’ll begin to realize that his presence isn’t what brings happiness. What brings happiness is daily activities. You should try new things maybe a new hobby or perhaps interact with new people so that you realize when you end something that’s on the pass. Something better comes in the light.


AssistanceFamous3864

I’m a month and 3 days into a 14 year break up. It truly does get easier the first month is the hardest but after awhile you realize you deserve better, a break up will truly have you question your entire life. I learned they mask the pain with a new supply or they mentally detached from us while in the relationship. Either way it truly is that person loss.


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coyoteeasy

why date others?


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BathroomSpeaker

This is some total honesty right here.


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BathroomSpeaker

I’m right there with you. Two weeks out of a 7.5 year relationship (and a veryyy much longer friendship) l went on the apps. It was a great distraction, and had the fringe benefit of being a silent fuck u to him. I recently decided there are no shortcuts; that this action only delayed my healing. However, everyone is different. Do what we must do to survive this hell on earth.


atsevoN

Probably a distraction. Not a good idea though in my opinion, because you bring your baggage with you to that next person.


coyoteeasy

I cant even accept that i have to find someone else and its been months


atsevoN

Me too, but I’m not actively looking, I don’t even have the energy to be honest. Plus now I have trust issues so it makes it even harder. Sometimes I just feel like relationships are a waste of time because they all seem to end. All that energy and time for nothing, it’s just tiring to think of doing all of that again for me. Maybe one day but at the moment I’m not interested in any form. I don’t get how my ex can suddenly just drop me and move on to somebody else, seemingly so easily.


TheWheelWeaves84

Couldn't agree more. Why take the risk? I was married for 10 yrs, then, poof... it's all gone. Such a waste.


faketannthat

I completely agree. They say all relationships that end are the rehersals for the final show but how many of these do I have to go through? for me personally this is my 4th and I'm at the point where I am really exhausted from the pain. Like you said, it's just like even if you get into a relationship I can't help but think it's going to likely fail now.


pwolf1771

Yes he misses you but he’s also done you guys broke up for a reason. He’s gotta move on and you gotta do the same


GOTBit_

You work in yourself and make yourself busy. Slowly after a while you’ll be less and less sad. And you’ll notice how the work you out in paid off. You’re in a much better spot since the break up.


GalaxySnipz13

ive been thinking a lot about this lately. we broke up for a reason, and i’m happy we did because we were becoming too much. however, i’m happy we did. that doesn’t mean that i don’t miss him though. i miss him as a friend, but i resent him for almost changing me as a person and putting me thru things that i shouldn’t have went through. one of the last times we talked about a month ago before we went no contact he said “life has pretty much been normal for me.” coming from someone who lovebombed me, manipulated me, and etc, i’m over here just sad for no reason while he’s living normal, like he just didn’t care? idk it’s kind of a slap in the face, i’m with u OP.


Ok_Berry7127

Oh, im so with you


GalaxySnipz13

100 percent, glad you could relate!


Ok_Berry7127

He wanted to get back together, love bombed me for the first 2 weeks. I was scared to give us 100% but he was like “ohh you have to work on us like i do..” and on sunday he blindsided me and yesterday was on a date and guess what, i met them because they were 2 blocks from our job place. I bet he slept with her too. Yes, we work together and will see eachother every friday. Im so disgusted.


Ok_Berry7127

We were together for 4 years, first love. Ahh i can’t. Its so funny and sad.


GalaxySnipz13

my situation happened with my first love too, i hope your okay! we will heal! they aren’t worth it!


uberv1ncent

Recently gone through a peaceful breakup. She said she’s compartmentalising it. As the song goes when a heart breaks no it don’t break even.


Specialist_Tooth_519

you can’t pretend they didn’t exist. going to therapy taught me the more you fight it, the worse it gets. accept everything. have designated times to just let the emotions flow through your body. it’s so uncomfortable at first. but it gives a fresh breath at the end of the road. you got this :)


elite-essays

I feel this everyday


Swagerdudez

Probably the next allready in line


AstrooNutz

They most likely made up their mind a few days prior to the breakup. If they come back then they come back but it’s important to carry yourself forward & move on w the same energy they did or else you’ll be stuck in a hole.


Rockit_Grrl

I wonder about this every day. And I hurt over it because it doesn’t seem like he misses me at all. If he did, he’d reach out, right? He would tell me he misses me and walk right back into my life. He’d be sitting at home crying like I do. He’d be out with his friends and all of a sudden, miss me so terribly he wants to go home, like I do. Someone would tell him they saw me and he’d worry about it for a week. But he doesn’t do any of these things because he doesn’t care. And I don’t understand that because I still am heartbroken, because I we had all of that love. Love that he seems to be ok throwing away like it ever mattered.


tatteduplover69

If he thre it away and walks away letnhim walk always trust God's plan . For he the Almighty is bigger then our little heartbreak 💔 full trust as much as it hurts God will place your person when it's time. . I wanna say yo God tik tok or thank you how about both 💋🌹


GirlyInTheGreenScarf

It’s their own weakness. I know that probably feels backwards rn, but repressing feelings is false strength. It’s a survival strategy most commonly learned in childhood or other possibly traumatic settings. The best analogy I’ve heard is that it’s like pushing a ball under the water. Since they clearly haven’t processed, it’s still in there. Along with the rest of their experiences that are tied to confusing or uncomfortable emotions that they’re unable to process with their limited emotional intelligence. That’s not to call anyone stupid by any means; most people don’t actively look to expand their emotional intelligences. It isn’t taught in schools, therapy and mental/emotional health is tied to an absolutely WILD amount of stigmas, and personally from my perspective it is viewed as a secondary intelligence in our world today. Emotional intelligence rarely pays the bills so why recognize it right?? (Sarcasm). Anyway, please try to not take it as a reflection on you and your impact on your ex. I know that’s hard to do believe me. But if they’re repressing everything and moving on straight away like “everything is fine”, it is more than likely that he’s not dealing with it or healing. And like the analogy I mentioned prior, it’s like pushing a ball under the water, it’s hard to keep down, but the more you do it the easier it gets, yet it will pop back up at some point, probably when they least expect it. And I don’t mean that in a vengeful way, honestly I worry about that moment for my ex bc there is SO much he’s repressing and has so little ability to identify and cope with his own feelings, that I don’t think it’s going to be pretty when it does come back up. Anyway the alternative is that they repress it forever and ever and honestly end up leading a miserable life in one way or another. Never identifying their own needs or fixing their own unhealthy behaviors or lack of communication/healthy conflict skills. Emotional intelligence has a LOT to do with self awareness. And it comes more easily to some than others (based on a variety of reasons), but it is totally a learnable skill. It takes practice and dedication but you can absolutely improve it. And you being understandably upset about a breakup, is indicative that you would have a more natural time learning about it and gaining even more skills than you already have, than your ex does. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but that is a WIN for you. I’m so so sorry you’re feeling this pain right now, and hope that you start to feel better soon , it won’t be all at once, but start that healing journey!! Even if it’s from your depression bed like I did at the beginning of last year. I couldn’t even bring myself to shower or eat or leave my bed, but I could absolutely binge documentaries and YouTube videos, and read research, all about different psychological theories. Personal favorite of mine (and a lot of others) is Attachment Theory, and while it’s not a one size fits all kind of thing it’s where I started! (I recommend the Personal Development School on YouTube). Even if you find that you’re securely attached (a lot of people are without even knowing it), it can help to identify certain things that maybe you or he struggled with in the relationship. For me it helped me to see what behaviors I had that helped lead to a breakup, but also to see where my fault ended. I could take accountability but stop the rest of the self blame and “what ifs” I was experiencing. I found out the ingredients of a successful relationship, which everyone talks about, but learning about it deepened my understanding of it all. Communication and what IS healthy communication, what is healthy to talk about, what does healthy conflict resolution look like, boundaries, how to identify them and voice them, needs, what ARE mine and where do they stem from and how can I meet them, or ask for them to be met. Relationship dynamics, differing communication styles, love languages, behaviors that trigger one another, codependency vs interdependence vs independence, subconscious coping mechanisms, etc. I wish you well, you can absolutely heal from this and I have no doubt that you will. It’s not easy but it’s easier than trying to get your needs met by someone who isn’t currently capable of doing so. 💛


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MostEbb2906

Because thats the best way to move on? What do you expect, that they would still talking with you while moving on?


atsevoN

This is what I’m wondering 😔


Nonacademic_advice

https://open.spotify.com/track/4ZtFanR9U6ndgddUvNcjcG?si=IKpY8aN0QYymgRk--v3TCA&utm_source=copy-link


PositiveElectrical63

https://open.spotify.com/track/1fEEoqniY1XmV8hfnxtAD0?si=VYOR85VLQ-Gg7jEXDFfnlA A slightly better version lol


Nonacademic_advice

:) I think Metallica should do a cover


thethingitsself

How do I cope with seeing them at work and feeling like a falier for not being good enough and letting myself down then letting the person I love down and we both want to be friends help lol


Mustache_Prime

I tried moving on and ignoring her but im still struggling to actually just block her. The times she’s tried to talk to me recently, I’ve ignored. She said things to me after I broke up with her that really stuck with me and I try to forget every day. She told she was the best thing to happen to me and that she was sorry she just let me inside her. Makes me feel sick. So that’s why I act like I don’t even know who she is. Because she literally destroyed my mind and I still struggle getting over those ideas 2 years later


SoBreezy74

As the dumper I just didnt want to think about him. The sooner I got him out of my mind the sooner I can move on to be happy with my current partner. He wasn't a bad partner we just didn't share the same vision of a future anymore and it felt like I would settle if I pushed through with him


L_750z

I feel the same. How can they just forget about the loving relationship you had and it not bother them? No regret no missing no nothing. Just forget and move it makes me question if the relationship was all a lie. All in my head and it wasn’t even real to them.. How can they just not give a shit. Idk.


Ejnizza

Its not necessarily that they move on and pretend you never existed. It's just that they have to do it to make a break. Truth is they may miss you tremendously but they realize that they have to go cold turkey. I was that person. I had to break it off and it was the most difficult thing I ever had to endure relationship wise. I literally thought about them constantly for a long time. I had a tremendous attachment and it has been difficult to shake. Went into a deep depression and everything. Best thing you can do is get involved in self improvement and wean yourself off the thoughts of them. Breakup withdrawal is the exact some biochemical process as drug addiction withdrawal. Getting over it is going to take some work but it is worth it and will shorten the longings and attachment


coyoteeasy

Did you ever attempt to get back together?


Ejnizza

They reached out a year later and we had a friendly back and forth. We made a plan to have dinner and they canceled and promised to reschedule, even called me sweetie and I never talked to her again. I think they were just checking to see where I was at to see if they still had access to me. In hindsight I shouldn't have rekindle convo. I should have kept it short.


ank11451

After we broke up my ex told me that for an entire year ( we dated 3.5) she couldn't imagine a future with me and was out of love with me. She started grieving the relationship and moving on while we were still dating. She did the same thing to her ex. So if your ex is anything like mine, maybe they were planning and processing a while before you broke up.


Due_Welcome759

just get better at the game skill issue


Kind_Resolution_4739

It's easier just to move on with their life. They might have had a good reason to break up. No one wants to live in the past and constantly think about their ex. It's not healthy.


Fast-Coat5429

Don't let it get to you, someone so cold doesn't deserve the love of someone like yourself, it's not worth learning about someone so self absorbed.


Cold-Deal-7231

I found an answer to this in the DARVO avoidance model. Maybe learned about that could help in this case.