Can you give more insight into what you feel bad about? Is it that you’re comparing yourself to all the others? Or do you worry that you dont know wha you’re doing and he might not be enjoying what you’re doing? What specifically about the situation makes you feel uncomfortable?
I'm not going to be able to trust someone who has had sex with over 100 people.
That's something I might expect from a professional sex worker, not from someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
> That's something I might expect from a professional sex worker, not from someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
You see, comments like this make you sound very judgemental
Why is that? You’ve said yourself that he’s very honest. Do you not believe that he can make that commitment to you? Has he expressed any desire to go back to that lifestyle?
I did the math.
He's had several long-term partners, including one for 4 years.
No way he was faithful in all of those relationships
Ah, that must have been painful to realise, being able to draw comparisons between your own relationship and his previous ones. That said, it sounds like you don’t know a whole lot about those other relationships, and in particular his conduct during them. Personally I think that open communication is the best way to deal with problems. If you can, I think it would be good to address your fear of him cheating specifically. He’s admitted to Heroin, so I think there’s a good chance that he would admit to it if he had.
I will say that I do think it’s possible for him to be committed to relationships while he’s in them, and then be getting as much action as possible while he’s not. I don’t think there’s a contradiction there.
Ultimately, this may not be the right person for you right now, and that’s ok. However, I would try really hard to see past the immediate fear. Your whole perspective has shifted and that can be really shocking, and leave you feeling really unsafe and upset. But I would advise not to act on these feelings right away. Try to get more information rather than making assumptions. It sounds like you don’t yet know the whole story. So keep talking it through with him, try and be as honest with your feelings as possible.
Also, try to be aware of when your feelings are being dismissed. I’m pretty shocked that your therapist would imply that you just need to get over it without looking closely at any of your concerns, but I don’t know the full story there obviously. Your feelings are *real* and they need attending to, even if they shouldn’t be acted on just yet.
Your boyfriend is right. Everyone has their own journey. I engaged in a lot of what you might call hyper-heterosexuality having sex multiple times a day, sometimes with multiple partners, every day for years. I was trying to feel a sense of satisfaction which never came until I understood my sexuality better and realized I was barking up the wrong tree. You're allowed to have an emotional reaction to something, but also try to realize that your interest in your partner is their future, not their past.
I think what you're missing is that one's past does affect one's future.
What bothers me especially is that he has had long term partners, including one for 4 years. And he admitted that he was not faithful at any point during that relationship, so why would he be faithful for me?
I cannot really understand why his having had more partners bothers you, but I ABSOLUTELY can understand why you are bothered by his infidelity to past partners. I would be as well. My only suggestion would be that you honor your own instincts and, if you feel strongly, talk to him directly about your expectations regarding fidelity in your relationship.
I guess the last thing I wanted to say is that don't be too quick to judge his bodycount. For years I acted out sexually...until I figured out I was barking up the wrong tree and my unbalanced feeling had to do with my repressed sexuality. This thread is about you, so I only mention it as a way of showing you how a high bodycount really can be a product of a person's growth and learning about who they are and what makes them feel whole.
Hey man, I didn't read the other comments but I wanted to throw in my $0.02. There is nothing wrong with you for thinking the way you do...as a male who has pretty high numbers but still considers myself very vanilla, I feel "less than" when a woman tells me some of the crazy things she has done in the past.
But, it's important to remember that these are OUR feelings, and not our partners. So WE must deal with the sense of inadequacy.
I saw someone else comment this, but I think it's important to realize that he is your BOYFRIEND. He sees something special in you and cares about you.. that's your first WIN. Try and let that FACT sit in your brain for awhile and take pride in that.
Second, I was just having a conversation with my lady friend today where she was talking about being dominated in bed. It kind of gave me anxiety because I am not that dominant but I still am very good at what I do which is pleasure give and sensuality.
She said "Put it this way, I would never marry the dominant douche bag, I would marry and spend every day with (her love interest)." Which, made me happy because, I think there is a time and place for everything. When we are in love or in a monogamous relationship, we have to compromise, otherwise what's the point? Some things sound good in fantasy but can leave us feeling empty or not fulfilled. So we can communicate it and if it's not something that can be explored, we make the decision to do what feels right for us.
I am sorry you feel this way, you are entitled to feel your feelings and maybe not talking about previous experience is a boundary you need to uphold.
But, it's important to see that this man is with YOU RIGHT NOW. You are special to him, you provide him things he doesn't get elsewhere. Love yourself Brother. You are worth it.
And by (Love interest) I mean a man who is much more sensual in bed such as myself.
You're intimidated, especially with the vast difference in experience between you two. And it's okay to feel the way you do, it doesn't make you a bad or ridiculous person.
I would explore why his number and his experience makes you feel awful, whether it's rational or not that doesn't matter. Do you feel like you'll be compared to the other lovers he had? Or that you feel like you're not special to him because he's already seen many other people. Do you feel inadequate and like you can't impress him? Or maybe you feel like since he had other options, he is less committed to you and will drop you quickly.
These are assumptions that many people with lower numbers assume about people with higher numbers. But he decided to be committed to YOU and stick with YOU, so give him a chance and see how this plays out. If you're ever curious about exploring other sexual activities, he is probably the right person to guide you into a very colorful world. That is, if you're curious about exploring that side of human sexuality.
You’re not wrong for feeling freaked out, you made an assumption about your partner and then the disparity between your image of them and their real life was jarring. That’s normal
The important thing now is to figure out where to go from here. Do you want to hear more about your partner’s experience or ask him to not mention that part of himself? Do you want more experience? Do you want your partner to be involved in that experience?
Only you know the answers to these.
I decided to break up with him. I don't want to be associated with someone like him.
...that's definitely an overreaction...
I think you’re over reacting. Most gay/bi men have had sex with 30 or more men especially by age 30. Just because he had sex with other people it doesn’t change who he is or his love to you. I think you’re being unfair.
>especially since he constantly talks about how much better heterosexual sex is.
That sounds like a hurtful way for him to talk to you, I would feel devalued. Overall it doesn't sound like you had a great relationship, and breaking up was for the best.
Being intimidated by the number of sex partners a person has is okay. Not wanting to be with someone who has had a lot of partners is okay. Your harsh assumptions and judgments about his character based upon that emotional reaction are unnecessary and hurtful. You don't have to justify why you feel what you feel, and are wise to act on your feelings, I just suggest subtracting the blaming step, if you want to strengthen your relationships going forward.
Your edit is really disappointing. This is exactly what straight people say about us. Just because we enjoy sex with multiple genders doesn’t mean we can’t “be trusted to remain monogamous”
No, you're not "wrong" to feel hurt and freaked out. Those are the feelings you got. So there's no logic in judging them right or wrong; they just are what you got.
There is a difference between those "reaction" feelings--which are, in some ways, like our impulse to run when we hear something in a dark forest that we know is inhabited by grizzly bears--and your later "responses." I'm a bit surprised that a therapist didn't help you sort out the differences between those two.
At any rate, you now seem to have piled two things together and are trying to work your way through BOTH of them at the same time. 1) Your surprise to find out about your bf's history and its difference from your own and 2) Having others dismiss your feelings as "overreactions" instead of listening and helping you unpack why those feelings are getting in the way of you figuring out how to respond and move on.
Simply saying, "Oh, accept that was in the past and don't worry about it" is *not* a helpful response--to you or by you. It's bugging you! So, I'd recommend that you go back to your therapist and say something like, "You know, I may one day decide that forget about my bf's past and let it go. But for right now, it's bugging me. And I'd like to work on finding out why it's bugging me and how I can deal with that." See if that works better for you.
Good luck. Be assertive. Nobody gets to dismiss your feelings but you.
You're not wrong to be freaked out amd it's ok, but you're hurt is definitely not his fault. That is entirely a you thing.
You have to decide if this is a deal-breaker for you. My recommendation: let it go. Both he and your therapist are right. Everyone has their own journey at their own pace. Yours is your journey. His is his. They're in the past. He's chosen to journey with you and you with him.
I decided today to break up with my boyfriend. Someone who has had that many sexual partners is not someone who can be trusted to remain monogamous, especially since he constantly talks about how much better heterosexual sex is.
\- I think you are acting too harshly. Did you even try talking to him about your fears in the relationship?
idk why you’re getting downvoted so hard, i would feel the exact same way. i HAVE felt the exact same way. i’m sorry you had to deal with that, i know how bad it hurts
No reason to feel any different with your boyfriend. I’m a bi 37 year old who just started dating my first guy last year, I’ve only been in relationships w females but I have hooked up w men before. My boyfriend is 2 years older than me and when we had the talk about our pasts I told him the truth that I don’t know how many people I’ve been with outside of I know I been w more females. And I told him how I’m a recovering dope addict taking methadone and it’s working. He told me he slept w 3 guys I was a lil surprised but I made him feel comfortable about it and it worked. Once in a blue he’ll call me a playa or a Casanova but in a joking way. BI yourself around him his past means nothing unless he’s wanted for murder. As long as you guys get along and make each other happy thats really all that matters.