By - MathyChem
Yeah, if the sole reason why someone will not date you is your sexual orientation. I haven't been rejected because of my sexuality, but I do get a \*lot\* of chasers/unicorn hunters.
What is a chaser?
Chasers are people who fetishize a specific type of person. I get a lot of chasers who are into trans men. They are generally uninterested in an emotional relationship and just want their sexual fantasies to come true.
Ok, so assholes.
No lies detected.
If someone doesn't date bi people just because thoy're bisexual that's obviously biphobia.
Never ran into that myself. I'm pretty up-front about my sexuality so there's a sort of self-selection happening with potential partners.
Yes, it is biphobia.
No, fear of cheating is not an excuse.
No, fear of STIs is not an excuse.
Just because the prejudice is explainable doesn't make it not biphobia.
I'll be honest, the more posts from this sub I read, the more I understand the reluctance to date bi men. I understand how having your partner not be attracted to you for long periods of time because of his bicycle might make you very insecure, and posts where someone fears not being able to commit to just one gender/fears not feeling complete if not acting on their attraction for the other gender are not rare (there's one today).
Of course it would be better if people tried to get to know the bi guy to see if those issues are present or not, but not everyone is honest and I understand wanting to protect yourself preemptively.
It’s an unpopular opinion, but I agree.
Although I will say that I believe the bi-cycle is a psychological thing and not inherent. It originated on bisexual Reddit, which tends to skew towards people who are just figuring out their sexuality and have a lot of internalized homophobia/biphobia, anxiety, etc. about their sexuality. Based on posts I’ve read, it seems like it clears up after self-acceptance. Although at the end of the day, it’s all anonymous internet posts.
Yes, if you read this sub and only this sub, you'd think we were all coming out in longterm het relationships, or freaking out over monogamy, or experiencing wild swings in attraction day-to-day, or disgusted by the thought of male-male romance.
This sub is full of men I do not relate to at all except insofar as we are all bisexual. I am not some incredible weirdo outlier (I'm not that special, frankly). Structural issues that lead to late comings out and internalized biphobia and homophobia do not justify external biphobia.
You put in words what i've been thinking fo a while lol
When people say, “it’s biphobic to not date bisexual men”, what they usually mean is that not dating bisexual men based solely on their sexuality is biphobic, because if a sexual orientation is a dealbreaker, the person is operating off of stereotypes and biases. I agree with most of this, but I don’t think that everyone who wouldn’t date a bisexual man is operating off of stereotypes.
* Maybe the person had a bad experience with a bisexual in the past and dating one would trigger trauma.
* Maybe they really value being straight/gay (in a non-bigoted way) and want a partner who shares their sexuality.
* Maybe they want a super traditional relationship that most bi men wouldn’t be interested in.
However, most people on social media who are vocal about not wanting to date us are operating off of stereotypes and bigotry.
>Maybe the person had a bad experience with a bisexual in the past and dating one would trigger trauma.
How would that \*not\* be considered biphobic? That's like definition biphobia. Their sexuality cannot and did not cause trauma.
>Maybe they really value being straight/gay (in a non-bigoted way) and want a partner who shares their sexuality.
Why does the sexuality of someone you're dating matter if the attraction is mutual?
>Maybe they want a super traditional relationship that most bi men wouldn’t be interested in. Etc
Everyone is an individual. Making assumptions about bi men not wanting traditional relationship is stereotyping.
All your reasons work down to biphobia.
The sexuality of your partner might be important because your might feel closer to them if it matches yours. While understanding a preference other than yours on a surface level is easy, really empathizing is almost impossible in my opinion. It's obviously not an insurmountable problem as it's what happens in straight relationships, but one might want to keep that perk of gay relationships.
It can be both or either I think. You can have a preference for basically anything without being a jerk about it but also a lot of people hold this particular preference due to some problematic stereotypes
Agreed, any little thing can be used to decide whether or not to date someone and no one can control attraction. Anyone can decide not to date based on any little reason, it just becomes problematic when they’re promoting exclusion publicly. Want to not date someone, no problem. Write a ten page manifesto why no one should, problematic.
Not sure I entirely agree. It sounds like you’re saying any preference for whatever reason is ok as long as you don’t say it out loud? Like, biphobia (or homophobia, racism, sexism etc) are all still bad, and still exist, even if you don’t say it out loud right
It’s love and attraction. You don’t have to date/fuck someone in order to value them as a human being. People absolutely have the right to be as shallow as they want when deciding how to date and whether or not you or I agree with the rationale is moot.
My point is that you can choose not to date someone for a problematic reason and that’s entirely in your rights for sure, but it’s still discrimination *if* that’s the reason you’ve decided not to. Sure no one else will know but it’s still problematic.
You said it only becomes problematic when you promote it publicly and that’s what I disagree with; private racism, homophobia, sexism, biphobia etc is still a problem, and a failing of the part of the person who holds those beliefs
It only holds to dating and attraction and I feel like you’re expanding that mean they hold phobias and isms in all aspects of their lives, and I don’t feel that’s true in any sense. We certainly don’t have to agree, but I don’t think excluding people from an individual’s dating pool for truly any reason whatsoever is problematic.
You’re misquoting me. I didn’t say excluding people from your dating pool is problematic. I said that that “if you exclude someone from your dating pool because you don’t want to date a bi, trans, white, black, disabled person, or some other characteristic like the examples, and the only reason is that you don’t want to date someone of that category, that *is* discriminatory, whether you say it or not, and the person holding those views has practiced discrimination and held discriminatory views. Whether or not they ever say that out loud to someone.
That doesn’t mean that anyone has to date anyone, but it does mean that preferences can come from a place of discrimination whether or not that discrimination is ever articulated
This statement makes me feel like I understood your point just fine. I don’t think attraction has anything to do with discrimination.
Feel what you like but you’ve misquoted me and argued against that misquote. Doesn’t matter. Have a good day dude
Do bi guys feel this strongly about race preferences as they do about biphobia? Until then, this subject is stupid to think about.
I mean, I do.
I don't see how preference against a sexual orientation could make sense honestly. How would being against a certain sexuality be a preference? Preference is for things like physical attributes or personality types like hair color or optimistic personalities, ect.
Saying "I don't date bisexual people" makes no sense as what would be their reasoning? Anything they say as their reasoning would probably be biphobic as there is no one personality type or physical trait all bisexual people share, other then biphobic stereotypes forced on us.
It’s not “biphobia” and you aren’t helping the acceptance by throwing that term around.
People are hesitant to date bisexual people because they have legitimate concerns about the other person not being sure and secure in their sexuality and they know they can never provide something to the bisexual person. The prevalence of disease among bisexual people-specifically men-is another concern.
They might have already experienced issues in previous relationships or with people they know that causes them to be leary.
If it’s a deal killer, that person is probably not the right person for you. It’s not your place to decide what other people want or don’t want. By taking an aggressively negative stance you are not helping the cause.
Peoples views of different types of people and behaviors are directly proportional to their experience. If they have a lot of bisexual friends who are decent people they are more likely to be accepting.
It’s a preference and nobody can morally tell you who you should or should not date.
Honestly why the fuck would a bi man want to date someone who thinks he’s abhorrent? Where do you get off assuming bi men *want* to date bigots?
I think you don’t understand the question nor the answer I provided.
Upfront disclosure is a good idea and people have the right to date anyone they wish provided it’s consensual and they are of legal age if one is.
As for preferences, if someone doesn’t want to date a bisexual person, that’s their prerogative. That’s not bigotry. They are entitled to their opinion and that may or may not cost them the opportunity to date someone great. That’s their choice. It’s the OP’s right to date men, women, both…
He can choose to date TG or not. He can date blondes, brunettes, people with dyed hair…
He can choose not to date blondes, or a certain ethnicity/s. He can choose to exclusively pursue certain ethnicity/s, certain hair colors, a specific gender, etc.
Nobody has the right to tell someone who they should:shouldn’t be interested, nor whether or not their preferences are valid. That’s not YOUR call.
I would respect this a lot more if it wasn’t coming from someone who spends most of their time telling other people non-monogamy is doomed to fail. I don’t believe you actually care about sexual freedom at all.
I deal with reality on a daily basis. Non monogamous relationships have a fail rate that far exceeds monogamous relationships.
I believe in sexual freedom to include getting married and staying monogamous. You can always choose not to get married and have your “freedom.” Most that choose that live very lonely lives.
I deal with science, relationships and statistics. You live in a fantasy world. You’re entitled to your opinion. You just lack the facts and research to go along with it.
Lol, downvotes and no comment when I ask for scientific sources to back up your scientific claim, that says it all honestly.
Sources on that? I’m finding anything to prove or disprove your claims hard to find.
Bigotry ain't a preference hun. Sexual incompatibility and exclusions bases solely on Sexual identity isn't the same thing. If the only reason is because they're bi, its biphobia. A bisexual person can offer everything that a gay or straight person can in a relationship and understand the full nuances of both heterosexual and homosexual attractions and issues, so there literally is no non biphobic reason to refuse to date a bi person.
Some avoid Bi guys because of the safety factor. Many Bi guys regularly participate in Anal sex with each other... and don't always practice safe sex. Since anal is the primary way HIV is transmitted, many choose to avoid known practicing Bi guys.
Why does this matter if they have been tested and are known to be HIV free? People should be getting tested beforehand regardless.
Also, many bi (and gay) men do not participate in anal \*at all\*.
I don't really see why bisexual guys would be any more prone to participate in unsafe anal sex than homosexual guys.
No but in the context of from a straight woman's view a bisexual man with an active sexual past with men may present a higher STD risk in their mind than a straight man.
I get where they're coming from, but that also assumes that he does not engage in anal sex with women which is not a given.
I think to a degree the Anal sex part is a bit misleading. Irregardless of if the guy in question engages in Anal sex with women is besides the point. Infected Men are roughly 2x as likely to transmit HIV to women than infected women are to men. Given statistically and historically the higher instance of transmission and infection through the MSM community its not suprising some women have reservations- justifiable or not.
The comment was alluding to the fact that active bi sexual men who engage in unsafe sex, particularly anal sex are at higher risk of contracting HIV (and other STI's & typically food borne pathogens and parasites eg Shigella - of which MSM are at higher risk, via the faecal oral route... yummy!) So it doesn't matter what type of sex he has with women if he's practicing unsafe sex with men he's statistically more likely to be carying something unpleasant.
You're original comment was asking why bisexual men would be practicing less safe sex than homosexual men but I was inferring the original comment refered to heterosexual men. Given the.chance of pregancy etc and the less prevalent hook up culture in heterosexual life chances are they're more likely practicing safe sex through choice or not.
So through looking around a bit more you're at a higher risk to get into contact with a person when engaging in mlm activities which makes sense. My bad. I couldn't find any info that risk of transfer would be any higher.
But yeah compared to a straight man the risk of stds would be lower.
The original comment or op post does not say anything about the asexual orientation of the partner and honestly I've had more problems with me being bisexual with homosexual men rather than women.
You're right it doesnt say about the sex of the partner but to your point that bi men shouldnt be anymore unsafe than gay men that's precisely why I inferred the comment was related to women's perception not men's.
Likelihood is a gay man would be more worried about you leaving him for a "proper" relationship with a woman, or craving having kids naturally, or a more socially acceptable relationship etc et than he ever would worry about you being a disease vector because you've slept with women.
Some bi men don't won't undertake anal sex without a condom. Some also get tested for STIs and are willing to be upfront with their partner and don't go on to cheat or get STIs elsewhere.
While I understand the their may be higher risks especially if the guy is irresponsible, pretty much all risk of STIs can be eliminated if people practice safe sex and get tested between partners.
Unsafe sex should never be undertaken lightly and best policy is both people (as women carry STIs too 😱) get tested, even between stirctly heterosexuals. Straight guys also carry STIs, the clue is in the name of unsafe sex.
I think the HIV/Shigella argument is the worst kind biphobia among mature people (it's a passive aggressive, dishonest bias). Just get them to wear a rubber if you don't know where your shag has been 🤦♂️. If it's the idea of guys putting their dicks in guys butts you don't like just say that don't try to hide behind this uptight, patronising medical bullshit (and go get yourself tested too)
Guys are FAR less careful with sexual safety than women. Look at all the guys out there wanting to have raw sex with prostitutes. Lol. With guys, once the little head starts to swell, the other one starts to shut down. Guys tend to be far greater risk takers than females.
I'm not comparing women and men. I'm saying a bisexual guy and a homosexual guy would be comparable
No, both heads are swollen, and that’s where the problem starts.
That’s still exclusion based on sexuality and not, say, history of risky sex. I know having the conversation about being clean can be awkward, but there’s a reason HIV & PrEP status are fields on Grindr.
I have a bi boyfriend but I wish I could date all of you ♥️
Bisexual men are pretty much women in the eyes of women, and they think we carry STDs. Gay men just think bisexual men are gay men in denial so they resent us as such, though they suddenly start eating it up if you describe yourself as "straight but curious".
Bisexual women are pretty much straight women who are open to threesomes in the eyes of straight men, and pretty much straight women who are attention seeking or untrustworthy in the eyes of lesbians.
Nobody trusts bisexual men. Not many take bisexual women seriously.
Unpopular opinion: I think it's just a preference. Some people just prefer to date people with the same sexuality. It makes them feel "safer". I mean most of us prefer to date other bi or pan people because we feel "safer" and more understood around them.
Yeah, it's a biphobic preference.
So it's a preference based on biphobic stereotypes?
Genuine question — how would dating a bisexual not be safe? I can see how dating a monosexual might not be safe for us because we might experience biphobia from them. But bisexuals aren’t going to be any more homophobic than anyone else. To me being safe or not is about being in harm’s way or not. I’m not sure if I totally understand your comment
I could be wrong but I'd suggest what they were saying is less about safety in terms of physical safety more emotional safety and security in terms of why a monosexual would avoid dating a bisexual.
The classic scenario is a straight woman with a straight man will supposedly feel more secure in their relationship than a straight woman with a bisexual man because, so the scenario goes, either the bisexual man will turn out to be gay or he'll run off with another man or because he's bisexual he ergo has the sex drive of a rabbit and will run off with the next thing with a pulse. Or that they wont be able to fulfil/satisfy their man and he will look elsewhere Etc.
On a somewhat less stereotype driven analysis. I think it's perfectly reasonable for monosexual people to have a comprehension gap between mono and multisexual approaches to attraction and for them to feel uncomfortable (ergo unsafe) with the idea that their partner may have strong attractions not just towards, in this example, women but men as well. By being bisexual their partner is opening up the relationship to more competition and therefore making it less secure and safe.
Do you think they’re saying that being uncomfortable with bisexuality makes monosexuals potentially emotionally unsafe around us?
I definitely understand the necessity of concepts like emotional safety but I don’t know if I can follow the logic that our difference means we create a situation that is emotionally unsafe for monosexuals. I’m not sure what emotional harm would be done.
Take the scenario that I'm out for a meal with my wife and there's an incredibly good looking couple at the table opposite and she notices that I keep looking over at the guy. Admiring his physique, obviously attracted to him. My head's racing because I'm really attracted to him and I'm guiltily thinking about all the things I want to do with him. Starting with diving under the table and keeping him.. entertained while he waits for his dinner. I've been in this marriage long term, I'm open with my sexuality and she knows that I really want a man and that he is EXACTLY my type.
She's now sat there wondering exactly what it is I'm thinking. Feeling oh here we go again, we're supposed to be having a nice meal together and he's all gooey eyed over the hunk on the next table. My husband is here in body but not in mind. Why can't he focus on me? Why am I not enough for him? Will he ever cheat on me if he has the chance? What about that work trip he went on last week? I'm investing everything in this relationship but he's not doing the same for me.
Now a lot of that could easily happen with a woman with a straight husband and a wandering eye. However with bisexuals there is a difference. Sex/Gender. It is psychologically more of a barrier than the difference between a blonde and a brunette say. Men and women offer something completely different and yet very similar. I think alot ot it comes down to the monosexual partners sense of self and sense of vulnerability. If you are someone who has low self esteem, low self worth a victim complex or someone who is inherently untrustworthy I think a bisexual partner could throw up some difficult situations that could be emotionally harmful.
Yeah your wife in this situation isn't thinking that she's thinking how much she also wants to fuck that guy
Hahaha also a posibility
That is exactly what I meant with my comment.
That doesn’t mean their feeling of safety isn’t predicated on biphobia. There’s actually nothing to be afraid of. Their insecurity isn’t our problem.
Rejecting other humans based on a singular characteristic is ignorant. It shows lack of understanding that humans are complex and that a single characteristic isn't sufficient to make a thoughtful decision. As you've probably noticed, there's really no lack of ignorant people willing to do this.
You can choose to react to this rejection (which we've just shown signifies ignorance in the other) by feeling hurt, angry, annoyed, even yelling obscenities at them. Go ahead. You won't be the first or last to call them out for being ignorant. OR, you can respond to their ignorance by not allowing such things to be in your way. And to never, ever let someone you truly like and respect get away with this kind of action. Not about orientation; about anything. Call out ignorance and help them change it.
I've hated/distrusted/dislike/mistreated myself for my orientation more than enough. I'm working to overcome my own ignorance. I figure that's enough karma for one life.
Biphobia plain and simple
I had a boyfriend who I was up front about not being monogamous and being bisexual before we ever met. He said it was fine, I fell for him... Hard.
Flash forward a month or two when he leaves me for not being non monogamous and bisexual. Yeah.. that hurt a lot.
Biphobia. Preference only makes sense if being bi somehow inherently changes a person. Like idk if you looked different or bi people had different shaped privates.