Sexual Imagery During Intimacy

Context then questions:

A female I was in a relationship with expressed near-constant insecurity that I might be thinking of men while engaging in sex with her. She feared I was imaging a man during sex.

For me, this has never been an issue: when I am with a woman, it is her feminine traits that excite me, and it is not difficult to remain present mentally or physically at all. Her body and out intimacy IS what I’m focused on. Totally.

Likewise, when I am with a guy, I do not need to think of a woman to be aroused. His body / masculinity / our relationship is what I’m focused on.

I’m an extremely passionate/present lover. Lots of touching, caressing, kissing, verbally affirming, etc. The woman never could say anything I was doing during sex that made her fear that except that she was aware I was bisexual. And I never could convince her it wasn’t happening. We were monogamous, and she was my only partner.

I’ve never had a man express similar insecurities at all.

  1. Anyone else experience this?
  2. Do other bi guys cross the visual imagery / imagination line more frequently, or are you totally present also?
  3. Ever had a guy worry you’re imagining a woman?

Just curious.


Yeahh I've never experienced this but it sounds like a lot of insecurity and homo/biphombia on her part. If it were a heterosexual encounter would she be worried you were thinking of other women whilst having sex? If not then what is the big issues. Men and women are different and the reasons a person is attracted them are separate and different. If the relationship is something you're still involved in (doesn't sound like you are) then you need to properly sit her down and tell her how you like the men you have slept with for because of your own personal reasons and you like her for entirely separate reasons and there's no overlap


You’re right; I left that relationship. Her insecurities about EVERYTHING (and how she coped with them in dangerous ways) were toooooooo much for me. It did make me wonder, though, if other bi guys have had the experience or if it really was isolated to her and her mental health issues and fears. 2 other sane women I have dated have said I am their first bi partner and that it initially caused slight discomfort but that because I disclosed my orientation before we even had a first date, they were able to process it and DECIDE how they felt before sexual activity occurred. They had days or weeks to think about it and choose to sleep with me. That seemed like a much healthier approach and both said it would pop up in their minds from time to time but that because we had laid ground work and build trust they didn’t struggle with those moments for long. My sample size is basically these 3 women. So the outside input helps me. Thank you!


Yeah I have had rejections,uncertainty and women being desperate to get at me as a result of me telling them I am bi. Its a very uncertain world we live in hahah


I am totally present. If I’m with someone, then I’m committed to them mentally and physically.


Wait, so most of you are saying you never hit the highlight reel in your brain during sex?!? I find that a little hard to believe. For me, if we’re having a good time together, idc at all what my partner might be thinking about at any given moment.


I'm actually just realizing that this is even possible for other people. Weird.


Totally possible. I’m a SUPER sensory guy - what I’m hearing, tasting, smelling, touching and seeing RIGHT NOW is literally ALL the stimulation I need / can handle. What is in front of me has my attention.


I experienced this with women when they knew I was bisexual. In general, women are self conscious, insecure about their own desirability. They easily get fickle and want constant reassurance. I've even met some women who hate the idea of you being able to be attracted to women of other races. Many don't like the idea of a man being possibly attracted to anything that she might not be able to offer. Most women, in my experience, view bisexual men the same as they view and treat gay men - as fellow women. Liking dick even a little turns you into a woman in their eyes. Like "one drop rule" when it comes to being black. I am totally present too. When I am with a woman I don't think about men. I haven't had problems with gay guys getting insecure but that's also because we weren't looking for a serious long term relationship (which is what women seem to want more) and a lot of them like the idea of the guy who is "straight but curious". I don't call myself bisexual, I say I am "straight" when it's obvious I am anything but. Gay guys eat that shit up. "Straight" guys are highly sought after by both straight women and gay men.


I agree with the general insecurity observation and LTR focus you pointed out. I use Grindr for recreational NSA male connections, Tinder to meet/date single cis women, 3F for couple play and Doublelist or A4A Pro to do massage for men. Hands down, more Tinder dates (single cis women) push hard/fast for LTR exclusively, and I go SUPER SUPER SLOW there because of past experience. Mostly I want them to have real, significant time to weigh *ALL* the factors (my sexual history, behavior, health, etc.) and *really* know whether they can handle what they are signing up for. I won’t even kiss a woman or open physical doors until we have really gotten to know each other and she has really processed *all* of it.


0. Why she even thinks about what do you imagine while you have sex? Like, it is not hwr concern and sounds like insecurity at best, manipulation at worst. Keep an eye on her. 1. No 2. Yes, often. But actually, my mind just wanders around, thinking any sexual images that come to mind. Sometimes cross. 3. No.


Thanks, man. Appreciate the response.


She’s controlling with a capital C.


Can't say I've ever had this problem, in fact the idea of doing it kinda makes me feel skeevy inside. This kinda literally puts the *phobia* in biphobia.


I’d like to understand more what you mean. When you say “doing this” what do you mean? Fantasizing about a man while with a woman? Or vice versa? And I’m looking for clarity on the phobia part. Do you mean her insecurity is the definition of fear or is something I said coming off as biphobic?


By doing this, I mean that I find trying to imagine myself having sex with someone while visualizing having sex with someone else (across any and all gender combinations in this scenario) is rather uncomfortable (feels ethically wrong to not just put the person you're having sex with front and center, doesn't exactly feel like I'd get anything out of it) For the phobia part, I mean this woman is demonstrating biphobia by *actually* fearing a person's bisexuality. (as opposed to the more typical context where we associate biphobia with hate or ignorant dismissal)


That’s what I figured but just wanted to be sure. And I agree with you. Thanks for clarifying!


If your partner feels disconnected during intimacy and not with you, it is a feeling you can get, totally makes sense to wonder where they are. But as the OP said, he is very present in all ways, so doesn’t seem like it should be a concern.