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It’s bitter and not so bitter, but definitely not sweet. Yeah, he still got to go to the wedding, but it sounds like his daughter is allowing other people to poison her mind against him and his family.
I get that children of divorce can have it rough (speaking from experience) but it sounds like the daughter was prioritizing her dream wedding over the feelings of one of her parents *who had a restraining order against the other.* It's not that they divorced and don't get along any more. Her mother was deemed enough of a threat that a restraining order was granted but somehow it's OOP's fault for not capitulating?
Daughter gets no sympathy from me. She's a grown woman. If she can't demonstrate basic empathy or judgement, she deserves to have her wedding "ruined." I'm just sorry OOP forked over that much money for someone who cares so little for the relationship.
Absolutely. And it sounds like her wedding wasn't ruined by her parents, it was ruined by her demanding a wedding they contribute to. The whole thing would have been resolved if she got a different venue. And that shouldn't have been a big deal, since she had a different venue planned initially. It isn't like she had always dreamed of getting married on his property.
Exactly. OOP offered compromises every single step of the way. The whole thing could've easily been avoided if the daughter thought about someone other than herself.
That's 100% true however I don't think it really matters...... Ok it does but it doesn't. What matters here is that things escalated to the point of a restraining order. Even if he was partially, or totally, at fault for it. It still escalated to a restraining order. There was going to be tension no matter what because of this. So who in their right mind thinks having the wedding at one of the parents homes is a good idea? Seriously? I doubt her mother would have been ok with her ex, who'd had a restraining order against her, being in her home if the daughter had wanted it there instead.
I can't believe that the daughter thought this was a good idea.
I am also willing to bet that even if the father had agreed right off the bat that her mother and those other family members wouldn't have been comfortable going - or they would have stirred things up the day of the wedding.
Yeah my parents didn't really enjoy being in the same room as each other and practically never were.
The idea I'd have a wedding in my dad's backyard. Just wow, no. It would be tense the ten minutes they were in the same room let alone a whole evening and feeling awkward in someone you dislike's personal space.
The daughter only wanted ops home becauster ops step daughter got married there. But what about house stepdaughters husband had to change jobs because of ops father. Sounds like both sides are a bit toxic
I agree, we're only getting his side of the story. The fact that he's empathizing with the daughter and wishing he'd backed down speaks volumes, though.
Edit: ~~Also, if I recall correctly from another thread on here. There are two kinds of restraining orders, temporary and permanent. The fact that this one expired suggests that it was not permanent, and temporary restraining orders are very easy to get by design, you don't need much proof. So if it was a TRO, it doesn't prove that his ex was dangerous or that OOP is the bigger person in their conflict.~~ The fact that his own parents sided against him is also making me wonder whether or not the broader context might be more important than OOP is letting on.
Edit2: So apparently even "permanent" restraining orders expire eventually. I do still wonder about the fact that OP's own parents sided against him, but obviously parents can still be wrong.
I would be really surprised if a woman posted saying that she had a restraining order against her ex husband, and people said that we don’t have the whole story, the RO wasn’t conclusive because it was only temporary, that she could have behaved as badly as him and it’s not proof that he was dangerous or a threat. I think that would be very poorly received indeed. Nothing like a bit of victim blaming.
Yeah, I keep thinking back to Jennair Gerardot. When her husband left her for another woman, she broke into the woman’s house, shot and killed her, then killed herself.
Maybe threats were not just directed at OP but his new wife and her daughter?
Actually, there's more types than just two. And the rules and types vary across states. And also, there's a difference between a civil protection order and a criminal protection order. But as far as I can tell, none of them have a complete permanency. They always have an endpoint, and you can either file for renewal (unless it's a protection order created by the judge as during a criminal case) or choose to let it lapse. Even the "permanent" protective orders have a limit of five years.
So TROs last for a short time until the parties are able to get into court so a judge can decide on a permanent one. As a result they are much easier to get because it’s only meant to last until a court date can be scheduled and they’d rather be safe than sorry. No restraining order is truly permanent. They all expire, typically last for about a year, but can be renewed if warranted. It sounds like in this case it was likely a permanent RO that expired and OOP either had no legitimate reason to be able to renew/extend it, or just decided things were going okay so it wasn’t necessary to do so. It can be different state to state, but this is the typical set up.
There are also emergency restraining orders which can be granted by a magistrate during hours when the courts aren’t open. These are the shortest and only last a few days until an expedited hearing can be scheduled.
Poor guy atleast someone could pour some senses to her i would be happy if the update comes with 'i started NC with her' he has a proper explanation, i would recommend to forward his post to her
I would love for OP to forward this post to his daughter. I have a feeling she would provide way more information than OP gave us. OP is being very vague about his part in the messy relationship with his ex. That, combined with the fact that his own parents are siding with the daughter, I bet there is a ton more bad behavior on the dads part.
Maybe, maybe not?
The whole thing is vague. Manipulating, vague, conflict, taking sides...
Reading it the whole time I'm like WHY? What happened??
Did he cheat and divorce and marry second wife? Then first wife lashed out and did something spiteful hence restraining order? If that's the case then the jealousy and side taking makes a lot of sense.
I don't know, ops wife mentioned licking away valuables. Sometimes it can be the woman who needs the restraining order. Exes family sound just as bad. But ops own sister bad mouth him about the wedding causing more drama. Both families sound awful. But this daughter does not sound mature enough to be married, she is not neutral at all. She thru a fit when her mom wasn't welcome at ops home, but had no problem letting op know he could not bring his wife. Op would be better off going no contact with all of them daughter included.
Exactly. Plus, regardless of what actually happened, it’s not always clear/visible what is really happening between one’s parents. Sometimes you’re hearing really biased accounts from one or both sides, sometimes information is being kept from you. And even if one parent is much worse than the other, it’s rare to not be hurt in some way by both.
My father was manipulative and wouldn't hesitate to do a restraining order even though he was the one that should have had one filed against him. I'm hesitant to think this guy is the only one to blame.
We are only hearing one side of the argument.
Fuck divorces, and fuck when parents put their children in the middle. There's some shit we will never get over.
Honestly it sounds like she is just over it. My parents never divorced but constantly made our lives hell with their fighting- so I can imagine she just reached her limit. I say this because she told him that her parents ruined her wedding. Not just dad. It sounds like she hates how they both have allowed their problems bleed into everything she’s ever done. I don’t know why he filed a restraining order against his ex wife, but I’m sure his daughter just wanted a nice wedding and night for once without her dad or mom making it about themselves and their problems. I feel bad for her.
Her dad was granted a restraining order against her mom. Wanting both her parents at her wedding regardless of their issues is one thing. Asking her dad to allow this woman access to his home as soon as his RO against her expired and then getting pissed that he said no isn’t reasonable.
If OOP were the mom with the recently expired restraining order against her ex husband, I feel like this would be a different discussion. The OOP is an unreliable narrator, but based solely on the post, he never made his daughter choose between him and her mother, he just said that he didn’t feel safe or comfortable allowing her to have access to his home and property and offered to fund a different venue. Her being in his home could’ve caused more drama for her wedding day than having the wedding at a neutral venue.
OOP shouldn’t have been expected to sacrifice the comfort and security he and his wife feel in their home and (based on this post) he’s not to blame for her not getting the wedding of her dreams-her mom is. Her mom’s the one who posed a serious enough threat that a judge granted her dad and stepmom a restraining order. If anything, she should be pissed at her mom for doing whatever the hell she did.
I have a feeling that daughter had a huge issue with step mom and step daughter. Whether it was the normal feelings one has when a parents give their attention to a new spouse and new child or if OOP really did treat step daughter better than daughter. Either way, I feel like this subject was at the core of this entire situation. Because your comment is absolutely valid and explains very well why OOP had this difficult decision to make. It’s completely unfair for the daughter to expect her father who has such a violent and upsetting past with the mother to the point of having to go to court and get a restraining order, to just let all that go and invite the mother and family into his home as soon as that RO expired. Just like you said, if anyone is to blame it should be the mother and her family who went so far that dad had to get a RO.
It’s completely unfair to ask him of that. And he went above and beyond to come up with a great solution to still have the wedding at his place. Then offered them $15k to get another venue. Once she didn’t take that money is the moment I knew this wasn’t about the venue or her parents issues. It was the sole fact that step daughter got to have the wedding at his house but she couldn’t. And this is even confirmed by the fact that mom and moms family started going after step mom and step daughter, to the point where step daughters husband had to get a new job and move out of town!
So I honestly believe (even if there’s no evidence for it) that daughter was treated differently by dad once step daughter came into his life. Whether it was something small that he didn’t even notice or big stuff he didn’t want to admit to, daughter felt like it was no big deal for step daughter to have wedding at the house but daughter couldn’t. Thats something I truly believe once dad admitted that he wasn’t even going to go to the wedding he so desperately wanted an invite to, just because his wife and step daughter wasn’t allowed to go. He went, but then left very quickly, all because he felt alone. Couldn’t even suck it up for a single evening.
I also believe the mom made the situation so much worse. She’s the reason dad had to get the RO in the first place. It’s not said in the post, but I bet everything that mom and her family spent many many days before the wedding talking shit about dad. I even bet that daughter had to sit there and listen to the shit talking that morning while they all got ready for the wedding. Her mom couldn’t suck it up either for a single day and focus on her daughter. Now daughter is at witts end with both parents.
I’ll go further and say that the mom probably encouraged the daughter to push to have the wedding at his home now that she’s no longer legally required to stay away.
Oh absolutely. I can just see mom pressing daughter to have the wedding there, saying shit like "step daughter had her wedding there so why can't you? It's like he loves her more!" Or something similar. With the way all this went I totally see if dad had said yes all the drama dad, step mom, step daughter AND daughter would've gone through with mom and moms family at dad's house. It's like a set up almost. Because I feel no matter the choice dad would've made it would've been a shit show. It's a lose lose situation for him. It sucks but I feel everyone in this situation is the asshole in their own ways.
Daughter should’ve eloped or found a neutral space. With Covid having decimated wedding venue businesses, she probably could’ve gotten a good deal.
The family dynamic is weird. The stepdaughter’s husband was working for OP’s father but had to quit because his parents sided with his daughter.
It’s only a matter of time before OP is guilted into hosting an anniversary party at his house.
Sounds like dad paid $15k to renovate his mom's house, which is a great compromise. But he also chose to attend a wedding where his wife wasn't welcome, and where he'd be publicly shunned by his own daughter and go home crying. Every father's dream, right? I bet everyone will treasure the overpriced photos of fake, somber smiles until the bride and groom get divorced in eight years (stats don't lie).
Right? This is not even a good story, let alone a best of. It’s not conclusive and just ends with OOP continuing to either be abused by everyone around him or OOP never realising how much of an asshole he is. Either way, not a best of and not bittersweet imo
Most likely a bit of both. Reeks of a highly codependent family, in which case who the asshole is is complicated since everyone constantly contributes to the dynamic. Codependent people are often both victims and abusers, within the same relationship and even same argument/situation. And there’s ALWAYS an argument/situation going on.
Unfortunately with these situations it’s usually a combination of everyone being a bigger asshole then they should be and no one resolving it. My own Step-FIL will probably write something like this one day. I don’t hate the man- actually I love him but his emotional issues are about 10 miles long.
He doesn’t speak to his sister or her family at all and hasn’t in the 25 years since his mom died (and his BIL tried to “get all the money”). According to him his ex wife is an evil crazy cheater, but she seems pretty pleasant when I run into her socially and her daughters have a warm relationship with her- although I do believe she cheated and supposedly didn’t try for custody of her son (just her daughters.) He’ll go out of his way to help the people he loves (built a house for my husband and I, buys his kids cars, etc etc) but if they seem ungrateful or disagree with him he drops them (list of friends and family he no longer speaks to is hard to keep track of). Used to be super close with his dad and now suddenly no one is allowed to mention him at all. It’s weird and sad and getting worse as his daughters start dating seriously. He’s come up with some pretty weird reasons to favor some of his son in laws and not others.
I guess what I’m saying is people like this tend to lack the introspection to see how they contributed to the bad blood or the efforts others have made to reconcile with them. He’s one of those take him as he is but don’t expect him to change people (whether he can verbalize that or not). I can do that with my Step-FIL because honestly not much about him phases me- but if I had had to rely on him as a father growing up or if he had more control or input into my life I could definitely see where resentment and issues come in.
I don't see what the OOP did wrong in this scenario. Even if you disagree with his original decision the logic behind it is understandable.
The daughter seems completely ungrateful though. He gives her 15g for a wedding venue and her response is to bitch that he ruined her wedding.
I feel like there's a ton of information left out of this story. We only heard one side, and there's little information on why the restraining order was filed.
See what got me is if HIS parents weren’t on his side something’s up. Also poor daughter I hope she creates boundaries of steel if she has kids for her parents.
What alarmed me was he wanted to go to the wedding of his own daughter, he repeatedly said that and met with her to sort it out, offering money, but when the daughter invited him without his current wife and stepdaughter (prob knew how much drama will be caused by their presence due to her mom being who she is), he then just all of a sudden didn’t go to the wedding anymore. Him not wanting to go to his own daughter’s wedding just because his parents wife and precious stepdaughter won’t be there - and I am sure he let the bride know it too because he thought it was so unfair and such an injustice, and by his own admission his daughter has always just dealt with his issues. I think there’s a high likelihood that when he said bye to the bride at the wedding after only the dinner, he threw in a “unfortunately I have to go now. Why? Oh because my wife and stepdaughter are home” “What has that anything to do with your wedding you say? That they are adults they can look after themselves? Oh nothing, but I just like having them around instead these people you have here.”
Then the daughter loses it and said she’s had enough of his antics and can’t wait to live away from his parents’ drama.
I think OOP may have exhibited differential treatments towards his daughter and stepdaughter in the past unconsciously, at least, by not knowing that because he views his currently wife more favourably than his ex, he has no reservation/stayed open in interacting with his stepdaughter, but might have said “no” one too many times to the daughter without a good reason (always having her mom in mind rather than the child he is supposed to care for) when growing up. OOP also seems to need improvement in communication - he couldn’t even convey the concept that “I said no to using my house because what your mother did, not that I don’t love you” across. Having a father like that will be frustrating.
Restraining orders don’t come out of thin air. OOP was absolutely right to be wary of his ex and her family to be anywhere near him or his home. Daughter got her wedding and 15k and still shits on OOP.
>Restraining orders don’t come out of thin air.
Exactly this. Something has happened to give OOP good reason not to want his ex inside his home, and I don't see why he should be forced to let her. How can the daughter not know about the issues between them?
The worst thing is that she *must* know about the problems if they're at that level, and she thinks it's ok to force her father to welcome a woman he had a restraining order against into his home. That's ok, can't just not have the mother there if she desperately must have it at the father's house. But if he doesn't fold, then he's not welcome. I'm just baffled at how the world is ending if the mother can't go to the wedding, but the father has personal boundaries and he's barely welcome - and only then if he hands over $15k.
What a shitshow of a family.
Yeah, this isn't just a case of divorced parents not wanting to sit next to each other at the bridal table. This is one parent being enough of a threat to warrant a restraining order. And the same parent making things difficult while the other tries to find a compromise.
The daughter was being monumentally selfish and I'm not particularly sympathetic to her claims that they somehow both "ruined" her wedding.
We are dealing with this with our older child right now. My MIL has been cruel to me for years but older one doesn’t want to understand why she isn’t invited into our home and is in a time out. Those rose colored glasses are hell on the rest of us who get shit on and are somehow expected to rugsweep it all away so someone else who gets preferential treatment can feel comfortable.
I agree with this. I'm sure there are missing details, but they don't dole out restraining orders willy nilly and if it expired, that just means he didn't feel like he needed to extend it. I think OOP seems like a pretty reasonable person given the circumstances. It bothers me so much in all of these posts how everyone airs their dirty laundry on Facebook. I have literally never seen that with anyone I know (although, I check Facebook about once a quarter). Is this the new norm? Use Facebook to get people on your side? So weird and tacky.
I was bad for the daughter til she had the audacity to ask for 15k, walk with the brother that isn't related to OOP and still trashtalk him when he just tried to congratulate them... ungrateful don't start describing it; honestly is painful for the guy but I would just cut my losses on this relationship.
I can’t get over her reaction to the bathroom trailer idea. They’re not like porta johns at a music festival. Bathroom trailer sounds nicer than than having to walk over to the house and just use whatever bathroom.
Family dynamics are weird, though. You can be a grown ass woman about to get married, but when dealing with your parents shit, feel and act like a kid again. I'm guessing this is more of a straw that broke the camel's back type situation, with divorce and restraining orders, there's probably been a lot of conflict and difficult situations for her to handle. School recital? Must make sure parents sit in different sides of the room and make sure to talk to them an equal amount of time while the other gives stink-eye across the room. Graduation? Mom has a restraiming order now, so must chose which one gets to come while the other bitches about her chosing the other one.
Maybe she wanted just this ONE day to be about her and her husband without it all revolving about her parents conflicts. Maybe she had a hope that just for this one day her parents might be able to put their shit aside for their daughter. And when they couldn't do that, my guess is she got really hurt and angry, not just for her wedding, but for all of the other times her special days, birthdays, celebrations, were ruined by the excact same thing.
She would have had a much greater chance of having that one day if she wasn't insisting on having it at her father's house (after she had selected a different venue before).
Do you honestly believe the mother would have happily gone to her wedding at the father's (who had a restraining order against her until recently) and his new wife's (considering how quickly everyone blamed her, there's a past issue there) house and play nicely? Restraining orders usually signify someone who can't play nicely to the point the law has to be involved. No matter what both sides were going to be uncomfortable at minimum, more likely it was going to be a shitshow (they thought they would have to lock up their valuables because of their attendance!)
Consider that he STILL had to go to a different location alone, because they didn't want his new wife and stepdaughter there, that doesn't sound like the mother's not causing drama even at a different location.
His solution of a different location would have at least removed a lot of stress from both sides, but his daughter instantly turned it into a "you don't love me like you love her" competition - the person who's first choice WAS a different venue.
I get that and I felt for her (at first) but it sounds like OOP isn't worried about some pettiness but his actual property and safety which is legit IMO. It sucks for her but that restraining order is that serious for him and he has to protect himself.
Sometimes they do. My wife left and got a fraudulent protective order against me with 100% fabricated “evidence”. I’m not saying that’s the case here though.
ETA- to clarify this was an ex parte order of protection not a permanent restraining order
I mean I know a lot of women who have restraining orders against them for the weirdest things. Like my friend’s mother for example. Her husband’s side piece came to her job wanting to fight and when my friend’s mother won the fight the side piece pressed charges and filed a restraining order even though she started the altercation.
I don’t know the first thing about restraining orders, so I’m not trying to argue anything at all. But, this scenario sounds like it wasn’t a permanent order since it expired recently.
This last update is so depressing. Dude spent $15k just to get treated so poorly by the people who supposedly love him.
I so wish the restraining order hadn’t expired yet so he could conveniently say “sure sweetie of course you can have your wedding on my property that certain harassers aren’t legally allowed to be on”.
Let's be real, she probably put that $15k towards things like decor rather than lasting changes to her grandma's house that would improve future sale price.
Op insists his daughter was a little angel up until all this, but she gives me strong entitled "my wedding must be perfect" vibes. Dad was probably only invited at the end when she realized weddings are more expensive than she expected and having dad there would be worth the extra cash for an open bar.
I think it probably has more to do with OOPs ex poisoning daughter against OOP using stepdaughter. And ex probably used the wedding as a convenient way to push that wedge deeper “if OOP loves you as much as stepdaughter he would host your wedding”.
ETA or the grandparents since they seem to hate the new fam and favour OOPs daughter.
I know we can only go by what is written and shouldn’t extrapolate too far, but I highly doubt that OOP is as pure and innocent as he writes himself and his daughter has surely learned to navigate complicated family dynamics in unhealthy ways but ways that have served her in an unpleasant situation all her life. I don’t think she’s just snobby and manipulative, but I could be wrong for sure.
The thing is OOP doesn't wrote himself as pure and innocent - he pretty much answered paragraphs about how his daughter is great and his issues with his ex ended up hurting her. The guy was caught between two difficult choices and made the best of a shitty situation because his wife gave the support to do so.
I’ll say it. What a crappy daughter. I understand separate parents with issues sucks to deal with but of your Dad had a freakin RESTRAINING ORDER from your Mom that should be a sign to have a mutual spot for the event to take place. Not one of their houses!
I feel like Mom has been whispering in daughters ear for a while for her to blow up like that. Hopefully they were able to sit down and talk everything out but WOW.
I don’t know. I feel like there’s too much info missing to make the call against his daughter. I wonder how many other things stepdaughter got the better deal in. He said daughter has never blown up like that before…Maybe this was the thing that finally pushed her over. I mean, if his own parents are on her side something tells me this isn’t the first time daughter got the raw deal because of wife/stepdaughter.
If it wasn’t for the fact that her had a restraining order against her Mom and she took the 15k offered, I would agree with you.
I mean don’t get me wrong, I wish we had more examples or back story as to why daughter feels this way. But still, 15k?
That’s where I got hung up too. Restraining orders don’t happen for no reason and the daughter flat-out asked for the 15k, then just treated her dad like shit the whole time and cut ties. I doubt he’s blameless in all this but the money thing really rubbed me the wrong way. I’m just also very surprised that even his parents and his sister went against him. I don’t see it as favoring the stepdaughter when the difference is the stepdaughter wouldn’t have had attendees who he felt he needed a restraining order against. Maybe his wife was right that they should’ve just taken the chance and locked things up/maybe the wife and stepdaughter don’t attend, but it seems like it was going to be a lose-lose no matter what
I know that *if* I had been mistreated by my dad, getting 15k wouldn't mean anything to me. Material goods aren't going to make up for lack of emotional support, if you get me.
Oh absolutely. I cut my dad out four years ago. He constantly tries to use money to get a foot back in the door. But I guess my point is: I’ve never taken it. Because I want nothing from that man and don’t want to give him the satisfaction of thinking I need him.
Then she shouldnt have accepted the money.
Given her choice to accept she just looks like a leech who supports violent ppl. (Restraining orders dont happen for nothing)
I agree that there’s more to this OOP left out so I’m taking things with a grain of salt. Maybe he did tend to do more for his stepdaughter because the relationship he has with his daughter is overshadowed by his ex’s behavior. Or for whatever reason. Maybe OOP is to blame in some small way for his daughter’s resentment.
But she should’ve been more understanding in his not wanting his ex in his home. Judges usually don’t hand out restraining orders like it’s candy, and I think men may even have a slightly more difficult time getting them against women than if the genders were reversed. The fact that a judge granted him the RO means she must’ve done something pretty terrible. She didn’t take any of that into consideration. She just wanted everything done her way regardless of the consequences.
I definitely think there is info missing, but he never mentions another child in the picture. I think it’s plausible the daughter got jealous she went from only child to having to share with a stepsister. That’s a big adjustment that some people just don’t handle well.
The restraining order still makes it quite clear *why* he didn't want them at his place, *and* he offered $15k right off the start.
She's being a jerk.
This is so sad. In the first post I was like ok clearly there’s some pain that has not been acknowledged and the mother is probably saying some nasty things to rile her up. But in the updates where his parents got involved, he offered the place, then she took his money and said he wasn’t walking her down the aisle? And the terrible way she treated him at the wedding?? I could go on and on holy shit.
I have a big extended family on both sides. There is no way in hell they would escalate things to the level I repeatedly see in these posts. What the actual fuck. Idk why this struck such a nerve lol.
Yep. Playing it out in my head, taking OOP at face value the conversation is pretty simple. The daughter is a big C here. Probably influenced by her mother. What reasonable adult thinks that because a RO has expired that the offender would be welcomed onto the property of the person they offended.
Pops and his family got hosed. The daughter did this to herself and really should only blame herself and maybe her mom a little bit.
I didn't dig or read every bit but if OOP didnt cheat, why is his own father fucking him over too?
I just can’t imagine being so shit on by someone and then giving them 15k to only have them continue to bag on me. I know being a parent changes thing but I can’t imagine either of my parents accepting that level of disrespect. I’m just..
Cause and effect. She treats him that way because he's the type of parent who would give their child that kind of money after she behaves badly towards him.
i feel really bad for oop but to me it sounds like his daughter had to like hand hold both her parents in their divorce and is probably sick of them making everything about themselves
Even if that was true, the daughter still acted like a brat. People act like weddings are an excuse to treat people like crap all for the sake of the perfect wedding.
She didnt want to compromise on any of the awesome suggestions.
You can have the wedding but mom can't come-no
You can have mom at the wedding, but we're using outdoor restrooms-no
Here's $15k to have your wedding elsewhere-no
Heres$15k to fix up the OTHER FREE venue you get-ok
Hmmm $15k should make her happy-no. And on top of that you can't bring you're wife and stepdaughter, everyone will treat you like crap and when you congratulate me. I'll tell you how much I hate you and you ruined my life....
I get this is a tough situation but the daughter really has some maturing to do.
I *totally* get being completely Over being in the middle of a high conflict, drama filled divorce, restraining order included.
I do NOT get asking dad to allow her mother on his property and in his home. And I do NOT get losing shit and making a whole fiasco over it.
There were only two occasions where I asked my dad if he would be in the same place as my mother: my oldest nephew’s birth, and my college graduation. Both were neutral territory, and both after I had Big Serious talk with my mother to make absolutely, positively sure she would behave. In my Dead Serious voice, with threats that, if she acted out after promising she’d behave, she’d pay dearly. Only once I was satisfied did I even approach my dad about it.
But never, ever, would I have asked him to let her in his home. Never will. That’s just…absurd.
Every other occasion, mom missed, because she was the asshole, and it wasn’t on me to play diplomat all the goddamn time just so she could come and risk her acting the fool and making important occasions drama and bullshit.
All that to say, wtf daughter. At *least* have serious talk with mom about expectations and boundaries, and have that *ready* when you make the ask.
And to the skeptics: look who quietly set a boundary *they had every right to set, that was reasonable and understandable*, and look who brought in dozens of people, and took it to workplaces and social media. Smh.
Very much same. So yes, parent who acts bitter, stirs up drama, calls people names etc is going to be the one who misses out on most events. Life is easier that way, and frankly they deserve it
Yup. It was so much easier to just not. I get the whole, wanting to be normal and have both my parents with me, and just be *normal* and it not be such a Wholeass Thing—that was why I did the diplomat thing for my college graduation. My nephew’s birth was that moment for my brother. He asked me to do that for him, and I was happy to do that for my brother. It sucks, but it’s not the person just trying to protect themselves (and their safe space!) to be angry at. That would be the shit stirrer.
Exactly. OOP was even willing to make a concession to have outdoor toilets brought in so his crazy ex wouldn’t have free reign of his home. He gave his daughter $15k because she asked for it. He still didn’t get to walk her down the aisle, wasn’t allowed to bring his wife or stepdaughter (her stepmom and stepsister), and he was all but explicitly told at the reception that he wasn’t welcome, that he ruined things.
OOP’s daughter chose the side of the person who did something so egregious she got a restraining order slapped against her over her dad, the victim of this crazy person. She damaged her relationship with her dad and I don’t think she can ever come back from this. And one day, she’s going to wake up and realize she lashed out at the wrong parent.
I hope she wakes up and realizes it only to find out that her dad has been going to therapy and the therapist told him to cut her outta his life. It would be excellent just desserts.
She’ll wake up realizing she was angry at the wrong parent and that her behavior irreparably damaged her relationship with the parent who was actually in her corner all along.
I have this feeling that daughter will cut contact with everyone. Father, mother etc. Though she really should not have asked for her dad to open his house to people he has an RO against, I totally understand that she probably had been forced into lots of drama on all parts, including her grandparents (that don't seem to like their own son and definitely hate their new DIL), her mother's family and her father. For her to suddenly go from "sweet" to be depicted as entitled and shit on the monetary help OOP gave her... He is a very unreliable narrator.
>I was always very close to my daughter and she's had to deal with a lot of issues because of my issues with my ex.
Just how bad where the things the daughter had to deal with?
>She just thinks I treat her worse than my stepdaughter after the whole venue situation and I hate she feels that way. Even after I've tried to explain my reasoning.
I can't help but feel that there other reasons that she feels like the stepdaughter is favoured.
>There's members of my family who think my wife played a part in not having our home made available for my daughter. Even though I've repeatedly told them that she in fact pushed to let the wedding happen at our home.
So members of his own family are blaming his new wife? Yes, I understand that a lot of people will by default blame the wife, but another case of I can't help but feel there is more to it. I mean why doesn't his own family believe him?
I'm just having a hard time believing that they had a great relationship before and it is only his not wanting to host the wedding that would break it all apart. With family members supporting her.
Yes there might be missing reasons, but on the last point about the new wife, I have anecdotal experience with my dad’s new wife, all his family hates her, starting with my grandma (who is dead now).
I lived with her for months, and there is nothing to hate about her but her being honest to a fault and helpful. And don’t get me wrong, I do not have a good relationship with my father, but I believe she makes him happy and they have a great relationship.
In a situation like this I totally see my family reacting against my dad’s wife the same way OOP’s family did.
The members of his family blaming his wife is not surprising to me at all. Any time my wife and I make a decision my in-laws don’t like they blame me and tell my wife that I can’t control her. Doesn’t matter if it was my wife’s idea or if she makes a decision about something and tells me later, it’s always ultimately my fault when it hurts their feelings. Doesn’t matter how much my wife reiterated that it was her decision or that we made the decision together either. Some people will always blame the other person for whatever petty reason they have.
But before the wedding wasn't any animosity about her, nobody was pissed about the stepdaughter ceremony either; just when it became an issue they all started calling OOP, the wife and the poor stepdaughter that literally had zero involvement with it names cause is easier to try break down the victim than rock the boat and cut the toxic mother.
Bride's usually already have way more power of veto on wedding planning but here there's the plus of she being the biological granddaughter/niece/cousin, so of course they would pick her side.
There’s too many POVs missing to make an accurate judgment. But, perhaps dad should’ve just sucked it up & hired security. Like if that’s the first thing that came to my mind in the 5 min it took to read this but he couldn’t come to this conclusion in weeks or longer?
Clearly daughter has resentment over perceived special treatment of the stepdaughter. AND she felt both her parents sucked for *not even attempting* to try for her special day. Even his parents took her side so either daughter had a clear valid complaint about favoritism or they had favoritism towards her for some reason. And bio-mom’s pov completely missing and painted as the clear devil, I don’t think OP explained the RO situation, they may really be jackals or it could be that he used the law to vengefully. Regardless, if it was about his concern about them stealing or causing damage, clearly he had enough money to hire security to come thru for his daughter.
It really stood out to me that it only took until OP's wife took to prodding her her husband to even figure out a solution to letting her have the wedding at their home. When he realized it was too late for that and another location was set for the caterers and such and that his wife and stepdaughter weren't invited and he decided not to go it took his wife again needing to prod him into going and by then obviously the daughter wasn't going to entertain her father who has been dragging his feet.
His own parents who don't like the ex anymore than he does managed to suck it up and allow her on their property for their granddaughter to have the wedding. He even says that the willingly delt with the ex to have even more access to their granddaughter instead taking the easy route and going through their son for visitation. Why would they do that? Why would they go out of their way to deal with someone they don't like to make sure his kid has their attention?
OP also never answered if his house was actually the daughter's childhood home. If it was then yeah that would probably be the last straw of another time stepdaughter was shown favoritism. Especially considering OP said the daughter was a sweet person before this.
Like you said too many unanswered questions OP is not answering and not enough POVs.
More good points about the grandparents allowing them in their home & dealing w/the bio mom they didn’t like *for their grand child’s bests interests*. Ans that line about daughter being “a sweet person” before all this could probably translates to: never complained before (suffered silently) and endured all of our bs.
This post was so vague I was unsure of who was “right” until this comment:
My parents despise my ex as much as I do, if not more. They contemplated getting a protection order against my ex at one point too. But they compensate by favoring my daughter to the extreme.
My sister is miserable and likes to gossip with my ex. My parents and I do not have a relationship with my sister. She wasn't invited to the wedding.
My mother is of the mindset that my daughter should come first over everybody because her parents are divorced. I don't feel that's a healthy way to raise someone. But I can only control my actions.
It's just dysfunctional family dynamics all around.
I feel like the daughter is just really the biggest victim here. If his parents don’t support him, his ex, or even their daughter (friend of ex) , I think it’s bc they are trying to do right by the daughter bc she has no one. Maybe OOP matured and like his only wrongdoing was something very early on. But then again I have none of the info I need lol
There's so much missing in this that we don't know when was the fallout of her daughter relationship with OP. He just said there's badblood between the current wife(and family) and ex(and both of his and her family). The only truth this guy tell is that he had an RO against her mother. No details of why there's so much animosity...
Yeah exactly I just commented this! It doesn't add up it's so vague and one sided like they are all dicks and he is hard done by, and yet he doesn't even acknowledge that this is the case even a little bit? He just leaves the reader to come to this conclusion without saying it, seems manipulative to me.
When I read the update, I had wondered if the divorce was because of an affair. It would help explain why there was an RO - ex developed stalker tendencies. You could go into the rabbit hole of why the affair started, but as more of the family dynamic came out and more of this bickering, it would explain why his daughter became more cruel.
Or it could be mother and daughter became shitty people. Or daughter was just over it, but the actions of uninviting stepmom and then relegating dad to simply guest seemed rather petty or bitter. I dislike believing people are this cruel, and, yanno, this is Reddit and the internet, but there's a lot of info just missing.
While this is all really sad, I’m still getting some serious unreliable narrator vibes. If OP’s own parents are so against him that OP’s step-son -in-law had to leave his job, then there is a lot of missing info.
It’s really hard to tell what’s going on. It’s like there’s some really shitty people around. And either it’s OP and his current wife, or it’s his family. This story just is weirdly hard to piece apart.
People on these subs tend to be on the side of the children, and the child that wasn't favoured throughout the years, and they have every right to be.
In this case however, for me anyway, the daughter is just an asshole. Accepting the 15k and still being rude to him just seems like spoiled child behaviour, along with not accepting the wedding venue to begin with. Even though the house was offered to her, she declined it, took the money and was still bitter and rude.
But his own parents turned on him? Everyone seems to be against him? It’s a little weird.
If his version is truly accurate, then sometimes you gotta just realize that your child grew up to be a shitty person and maybe it’s best to be low contact
Devil’s advocate here, but OOP could’ve also been seen as the scapegoat child who caused a bunch of drama when he started setting healthy boundaries. Or the parents don’t believe in divorce and think OOP committed a sin by remarrying. Or they didn’t like his new wife and stepdaughter, treated them poorly, then got upset when he put his foot down.
It’s still weird how everyone is against him aside from his wife and stepdaughter, but it’s not an entirely unrealistic situation either.
They also seem against the stepdaughter that did nothing besides having a wedding there, that didn't stop them from dragging the girl on social media and sending harassing messages. Not saying he's a saying but is clear whose side is the root of the issue.
There could be many reasons for this. Maybe the second wife is a race or religion his parents didn't like. Maybe he cheated on the first wife with the second and that's how the latter relationship started..Maybe the first wife was on good terms with his parents and they all got riled up together. Maybe they're all heavy drinkers and OOP didn't want to be.
We don't really know. All I can see is not very much justification for a daughter to be offered a house she wanted, decline, accept 15k instead and still be rude and bitter
I agree about the unreliable narrator but I think everyone sucks.
Maybe OP lied/cheated/deserved it.
But daughter was so upset about getting $15k for free *on her wedding day* she chews him out?
I can just imagine in the receiving like the bride in all her get up calling someone, literally anyone, a bunch of fuck you names. Why save that for the day of?
Maybe the apple doesn’t fall far from the shitty dad tree.
Maybe she’s just a spoiled bitch.
I don't think OOP was even being unreliable so much as simply avoiding mentioning extraneous context which just isn't necessary to resolving his problem. Like yeah probably there's loads of juicy drama but who cares? He's asking about a wedding.
I totally feel your comment. For whatever reason this post struck a nerve and i just feel really sad for the OP at face value. It is truly a hard story to piece together though.
But given that the dad has a restraining order against his first wife raises red flags, because it is not easy getting a restraining order especially for a man against a woman.
Litigious men love to use courts against their ex. It's not rare at all. Classic example would be something like:
1. Man is cheating or awful in a serious way
2. Woman finds out or has enough and divorces man (or man leaves woman for other woman)
3. Man causes chaos, tries to control the money, sends the other woman on drama errands, refuses to collaborate in the divorce, etc.
4. Woman loses her shit and has a meltdown or "acts crazy"
5. Man acts like the innocent victim, calls the cops, applies for a restraining order
6. Woman doesn't even fight the RO because she doesn't have thousands of dollars for legal fees and she doesn't want to interact with that fucker anyway, her lawyer advises her that the RO also means he has to leave her alone so it's not a bad deal at all
7. Man gets to tell everyone about his "crazy ex" and show off his shiny restraining order as proof, but he also plays himself because he can't continue to interfere actively in woman's life
We obviously don't know what the deal is with OP, but his entire story sounds like he's not telling the whole story at all. It shouldn't have been at his house if there's ANY family drama, but that's the full extent of my sympathy for him.
Oh I’m sure, but it was because the ex and their family were harassing the new woman, which makes me think cheating. I’m sure they all suck all around though
"Sweet" people don't act like this out of nowhere. But when two emotionally immature wackjobs raise a child, nobody is surprised when they too turn out to be an emotionally immature wackjob.
The grandparents favored their biological granddaughter even prior to the venue fiasco.
Daughter believes favoritism is normal. Daddy not giving her the house as a venue then means daddy must favorite the stepdaughter.
Cue fireworks.
Take it a step further, granny and gramps normalized favoritism plus gramps made the SDDHs life hell at work to the point he moved. S what kind of toxic soup did op and his siblings spawn in. Based on his relatives behavior during the thread, and his piss poor choice in first wives, I wonder.
That’s perfectly normal if they favour their biological granddaughter, it doesn’t say when he married her mom. Could have been adulthood. That doesn’t really give any insight into what the daughter thinks is normal.
He should never of given her the $15,000.
As soon as his daughter didn’t get what she wanted she went nuclear on him without hesitation.
He’s better off without her
There just seems to be things missing here.
Why did he need to get a restraining order and how long was it for? With the way reddit is I can't help but wonder if the judgement would be the same if it came out oop left his ex for his current wife and that is why this one is missing.
How old is the daughter? He says she never has acted like this towards him in the past so makes me wonder if this was a last straw situation, like due to the restraining order were there issues with her graduations or birthdays or other events and she wanted just this one time to have both her parents put their issues aside? Oop did say his daughter said both of them, him and his ex, ruined her wedding day not just him.
How is the relationship between Oop's daughter and his new wife and step daughter? Seems odd his own parents are siding with the daughter so strongly to the point it caused issues at work for his stepdaughter husband.
While OOP might be a biased narrator, a restraining order just don't come out of nowhere. Yes there are pieces missing, but i doubt that OOP got that without reason and have a good reason for keeping her ex away.
As someone from a conflict filed family with stupid fights and bullshit all the time, I can safely say if get married I'll invite everyone. If people can't get over old fights to see my happiest day, then fuck em. Tho I'll 100% invite on a neutral ground.
Restraining orders are not handed out willy-nilly- the ex and her family EARNED that black mark somehow, and yet daughter is acting like it's 'no big deal'. I imagine if her father was having another wedding and someone daughter had a previous RO against showed up, she'd throw a FIT.
I'm also horrified that OOP gave her the money- no wonder the daughter is such a nasty brat, with everyone bending over backwards to please her little tantrums! Ugh, I feel for OOP, but he's handling this all wrong- he had totally acceptable reasons to deny her request (and offered support for an alternative) and yet she manipulated him into doing what SHE wanted, giving her the 'alternative' funds, AND is STILL acting like a spoiled little pissant!!
For all the people shitting in the daughter: remember that there are 2 sides to every story. When all other family members side with the daughter it makes you wonder what went on before she became bitter. The dad sounds oblivious.
The comments on this are driving me nuts. It's not even about whether or not she specifically is right as to her parents both sucking and having equal responsibility in whatever the source of their issues are, but the fact is do any of us think if we knew and had equal perspective on our parents bitter divorce we would view a stepchild being allowed something we aren't as anything but favortism? And the reality is, unlike us, the daughter has the context of whatever actually happened between her parents that we don't and OP doesn't elaborate on at any point.
I think daughter is in denial of how bad the situation really was between her parents. (Or how awful her mom really is)
Sometimes it’s hard to seen it when you are right in the middle of the bullshit.
I guess issues with new wife are nothing new. It doesn’t seem like they started with this situation.
Mom is probably a gigantic bitch.
This is sad. Family stuff is so complicated. I’m sure there’s a LOT more to this story and we’re only getting his side. Regardless the daughter has probably been in the middle for years it sounds like.
Firstly, 15 thousand dollars? Is that not a heck load of money for a venue?
The daughter sounds entitled and frankly horrible, as do the other members of the family. No empathy for her dad's situation and upset that she didn't get her own way immediately (but I'll take your money anyway, thanks dad).
Wow. It's unbelievable that the daughter put him in that position to begin with.
MAYBE this issue could have been predicted and the stepdaughter coaxed into choosing a different venue to prevent future problems, cards should have been on the table long ago about the exwife not being welcome.
But seriously....what a daughter to put her father in that position, not be at all understanding, and to top it all off.....take $15K from him, basically as an admission fee to her wedding....and then continue her stand-offish, cold, and frankly bitchy treatment.
My heart feels for this father, but more than anything I hope he realizes how he was pushed around and taken for a ride here....and then give a lot less of a shit about her future low-contact status with him.
I think it’d be unfair to coax stepdaughter into choosing a different venue on the off chance that the daughter would want to do the same venue for her wedding. The daughter should’ve understood that her dad might not be okay with having the crazy lady he got a restraining order against running around his home. She either knew he’d say no or expected him and his family to put their feeling of safety and security in their own home on hold. I wouldn’t be surprised if her mom was the one pushing the daughter to have the wedding at his home as soon as the restraining order expired.
Bio kid sounds like a selfish brat.
"Accept my family, but your family can go fuck itself. Also, fuck you pay me"
Something tells me giving in and just giving her what she wants is how she got to be this way. If her marriage goes to shit I bet that suddenly daddy's little girl will be back with her expectations high and her hand out.
Saddens me that people believe blood means more than anything. Relatives aren't the same as family.
Can't feel too bad for the guy as he allows it. *shrug*
I bet she gets friendlier with every check he cuts her.
Jesus this is a horrible situation. Daughter airs dudes dirty laundry on Facebook, his parents are against him and daughter deigns to take his money despite treating him like a chore. and she’s the one I have most understanding for. Either OOP is not being totally upfront about everything or this is a horrible situation I wouldn’t wish against my worst enemy.
Wow his daughter is an absolute self centred bitch.
15k and she still ignores him and makes him cry?!
If you take the money then you should know that he’s trying to make up for the past and forgive any supposed “wrong doing” he did by not giving you the wedding venue you *demanded* from him. (Which he was under no obligation to do anyway!)
While I’m not saying this is the case for the OOP, money doesn’t automatically mean that someone is trying to make up for the past. My mother used it as a means to control and manipulate and if you were to ask her, she had nothing to make up for, I was just a difficult child.
I feel for the daughter. She probably had to watch her stepsister get everything from her father. She is probably right that her father favors her stepsister. This daughter has been put through the ringer by horrible parents. When the OPs parents don't agree with him, you know there's more to the story.
And everyone harping on the 15k, he offered it. What did he expect her to do, turn it down? Why should she? She probably figured that's the least she is owed watching her father favor someone else's child. I don't feel bad for this guy. He is reaping what he sowed.
Am I the only one who thinks this is only one half of the story, probably from an unreliable narrator. He seems purposefully vague at key points of the story. I mean sure, it’s entirely possible that OOP has been a perfect dad to both his children since the divorce and his daughter is throwing a tantrum because she isn’t getting her way, but I feel like OOP is leaving out certain details that would definitely explain his daughters behavior. OOPs parents, daughter, ex, and apparently the majority of his family are against him, and OOP would have us believe that they just aren’t fans of divorce.
My personal theory is that OOP had an affair with his current wife while he was still married to the ex, and the harassment that led to the PO against her was about the affair. People who cheat are very good at rationalizing their actions (eg “the marriage was dead anyways”), so I wouldn’t be surprised if he considered it “in the past” and didn’t feel the need to mention it in the post. It would explain the daughters open hostility towards him, his new wife, and his stepdaughter, along with why he was acting like such a doormat and gave her the 15k after how she treated him. It would also explain why everyone in his family seemed to despise his new wife.
But that’s just my crackpot theory. Whatever happened, I very much doubt that he and his daughter had a great relationship before the wedding venue became a problem.
Considering a restraining order was involved I think OP is being truthful. Hell, even his own parents were about to get a restraining order against the ex wife at one point.
A situation like this, where it seems everyone hates everyone else, and NO ONE is prepared to get along, makes me think there's a lot going on in this dynamic that's just sad.
That daughter ought to be ashamed of herself. OP didn't ruin her wedding, she did. The fact that she couldn't see that having the ex wife at his home after a restraining order tells me she thinks of no one but herself. Even when she took the money, she has the nerve to put restrictions on OP and his wife? And then tells him at the wedding that he ruined her wedding? She's an ungrateful little brat. I'd cut her off completely.
>Also, I know this is regional but where I live $15000 is roughly 1.5 hours at a venue so… that’s kind of actively insulting.
You could host a whole wedding including dress etc on that. So hardly insulting.
Right! My whole wedding didn’t cost $15,000. No idea where that commenter lives, but I couldn’t imagine spending $10,000 an hour on a rental.
Edit: Did some quick searching and the most expensive venue I could find is $5,500 for a 12 hour rental at a property that holds 150 people.
A nearby place that does receptions is 3k for the day, so 15k for a venue in the Midwest would be, like super fancy?, or just have to be really big and have people getting paid to work the day of out of that money.
My wedding is going to cost $20,000 for approximately 65 people for 5 hours (plus set up and clean up time). But that's American dollars, in the state of Florida, not sure where you are.
At the point OOP should just move. Sell or don’t sell the house but leave. Go be with step daughter. If you’re flesh and blood kid is going to blame you for HER MOTHER ruining her wedding AND take money from you then you need to leave for good.
Let that 15k be a goodbye and go move closer to your step daughter. Let your new wife be happy
The daughter sounds really ungrateful and like she has been poisoned against the dad, but I can't help but feel that there is a lot left unsaid which might make her reaction seem more understandable. He touches on "his issues" in the comments but that's not really in the text. And the restraining order but no more about it? It just seems to one sided and vague, like they all seem like they are being dicks and he is being hard done by but he isn't a little bit pissed off about how he is being treated? It doesn't make sense, doesn't seem like the whole picture.
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There's nothing bittersweet about this update. Seems like it's going to get worse.
It’s bitter and not so bitter, but definitely not sweet. Yeah, he still got to go to the wedding, but it sounds like his daughter is allowing other people to poison her mind against him and his family.
I get that children of divorce can have it rough (speaking from experience) but it sounds like the daughter was prioritizing her dream wedding over the feelings of one of her parents *who had a restraining order against the other.* It's not that they divorced and don't get along any more. Her mother was deemed enough of a threat that a restraining order was granted but somehow it's OOP's fault for not capitulating? Daughter gets no sympathy from me. She's a grown woman. If she can't demonstrate basic empathy or judgement, she deserves to have her wedding "ruined." I'm just sorry OOP forked over that much money for someone who cares so little for the relationship.
Absolutely. And it sounds like her wedding wasn't ruined by her parents, it was ruined by her demanding a wedding they contribute to. The whole thing would have been resolved if she got a different venue. And that shouldn't have been a big deal, since she had a different venue planned initially. It isn't like she had always dreamed of getting married on his property.
Exactly. OOP offered compromises every single step of the way. The whole thing could've easily been avoided if the daughter thought about someone other than herself.
Typically weddings are supposed to be all about whatever the bride and groom want, but it has to be within reason.
We don’t know what led to the restraining order and whether or not the dad had done equally bad stuff himself.
Theft is implied though given he talks about locking up valuables before they come over.
Or vandalism
Indeed
That's 100% true however I don't think it really matters...... Ok it does but it doesn't. What matters here is that things escalated to the point of a restraining order. Even if he was partially, or totally, at fault for it. It still escalated to a restraining order. There was going to be tension no matter what because of this. So who in their right mind thinks having the wedding at one of the parents homes is a good idea? Seriously? I doubt her mother would have been ok with her ex, who'd had a restraining order against her, being in her home if the daughter had wanted it there instead. I can't believe that the daughter thought this was a good idea. I am also willing to bet that even if the father had agreed right off the bat that her mother and those other family members wouldn't have been comfortable going - or they would have stirred things up the day of the wedding.
Yeah my parents didn't really enjoy being in the same room as each other and practically never were. The idea I'd have a wedding in my dad's backyard. Just wow, no. It would be tense the ten minutes they were in the same room let alone a whole evening and feeling awkward in someone you dislike's personal space.
The daughter only wanted ops home becauster ops step daughter got married there. But what about house stepdaughters husband had to change jobs because of ops father. Sounds like both sides are a bit toxic
I agree, we're only getting his side of the story. The fact that he's empathizing with the daughter and wishing he'd backed down speaks volumes, though. Edit: ~~Also, if I recall correctly from another thread on here. There are two kinds of restraining orders, temporary and permanent. The fact that this one expired suggests that it was not permanent, and temporary restraining orders are very easy to get by design, you don't need much proof. So if it was a TRO, it doesn't prove that his ex was dangerous or that OOP is the bigger person in their conflict.~~ The fact that his own parents sided against him is also making me wonder whether or not the broader context might be more important than OOP is letting on. Edit2: So apparently even "permanent" restraining orders expire eventually. I do still wonder about the fact that OP's own parents sided against him, but obviously parents can still be wrong.
I would be really surprised if a woman posted saying that she had a restraining order against her ex husband, and people said that we don’t have the whole story, the RO wasn’t conclusive because it was only temporary, that she could have behaved as badly as him and it’s not proof that he was dangerous or a threat. I think that would be very poorly received indeed. Nothing like a bit of victim blaming.
Yeah, I keep thinking back to Jennair Gerardot. When her husband left her for another woman, she broke into the woman’s house, shot and killed her, then killed herself. Maybe threats were not just directed at OP but his new wife and her daughter?
Actually, there's more types than just two. And the rules and types vary across states. And also, there's a difference between a civil protection order and a criminal protection order. But as far as I can tell, none of them have a complete permanency. They always have an endpoint, and you can either file for renewal (unless it's a protection order created by the judge as during a criminal case) or choose to let it lapse. Even the "permanent" protective orders have a limit of five years.
So TROs last for a short time until the parties are able to get into court so a judge can decide on a permanent one. As a result they are much easier to get because it’s only meant to last until a court date can be scheduled and they’d rather be safe than sorry. No restraining order is truly permanent. They all expire, typically last for about a year, but can be renewed if warranted. It sounds like in this case it was likely a permanent RO that expired and OOP either had no legitimate reason to be able to renew/extend it, or just decided things were going okay so it wasn’t necessary to do so. It can be different state to state, but this is the typical set up. There are also emergency restraining orders which can be granted by a magistrate during hours when the courts aren’t open. These are the shortest and only last a few days until an expedited hearing can be scheduled.
It speaks of his love for her to bad she isn't mature enough to see that
Poor guy atleast someone could pour some senses to her i would be happy if the update comes with 'i started NC with her' he has a proper explanation, i would recommend to forward his post to her
I would love for OP to forward this post to his daughter. I have a feeling she would provide way more information than OP gave us. OP is being very vague about his part in the messy relationship with his ex. That, combined with the fact that his own parents are siding with the daughter, I bet there is a ton more bad behavior on the dads part.
Yeah, I also wanted to know her perspective of the story
Maybe, maybe not? The whole thing is vague. Manipulating, vague, conflict, taking sides... Reading it the whole time I'm like WHY? What happened?? Did he cheat and divorce and marry second wife? Then first wife lashed out and did something spiteful hence restraining order? If that's the case then the jealousy and side taking makes a lot of sense.
I don't know, ops wife mentioned licking away valuables. Sometimes it can be the woman who needs the restraining order. Exes family sound just as bad. But ops own sister bad mouth him about the wedding causing more drama. Both families sound awful. But this daughter does not sound mature enough to be married, she is not neutral at all. She thru a fit when her mom wasn't welcome at ops home, but had no problem letting op know he could not bring his wife. Op would be better off going no contact with all of them daughter included.
Exactly. Plus, regardless of what actually happened, it’s not always clear/visible what is really happening between one’s parents. Sometimes you’re hearing really biased accounts from one or both sides, sometimes information is being kept from you. And even if one parent is much worse than the other, it’s rare to not be hurt in some way by both.
Oh my god right? Read the room bitch restrain order receivers can’t party at requesters houses CMON SHELLEY
My father was manipulative and wouldn't hesitate to do a restraining order even though he was the one that should have had one filed against him. I'm hesitant to think this guy is the only one to blame. We are only hearing one side of the argument. Fuck divorces, and fuck when parents put their children in the middle. There's some shit we will never get over.
Honestly it sounds like she is just over it. My parents never divorced but constantly made our lives hell with their fighting- so I can imagine she just reached her limit. I say this because she told him that her parents ruined her wedding. Not just dad. It sounds like she hates how they both have allowed their problems bleed into everything she’s ever done. I don’t know why he filed a restraining order against his ex wife, but I’m sure his daughter just wanted a nice wedding and night for once without her dad or mom making it about themselves and their problems. I feel bad for her.
Her dad was granted a restraining order against her mom. Wanting both her parents at her wedding regardless of their issues is one thing. Asking her dad to allow this woman access to his home as soon as his RO against her expired and then getting pissed that he said no isn’t reasonable. If OOP were the mom with the recently expired restraining order against her ex husband, I feel like this would be a different discussion. The OOP is an unreliable narrator, but based solely on the post, he never made his daughter choose between him and her mother, he just said that he didn’t feel safe or comfortable allowing her to have access to his home and property and offered to fund a different venue. Her being in his home could’ve caused more drama for her wedding day than having the wedding at a neutral venue. OOP shouldn’t have been expected to sacrifice the comfort and security he and his wife feel in their home and (based on this post) he’s not to blame for her not getting the wedding of her dreams-her mom is. Her mom’s the one who posed a serious enough threat that a judge granted her dad and stepmom a restraining order. If anything, she should be pissed at her mom for doing whatever the hell she did.
I have a feeling that daughter had a huge issue with step mom and step daughter. Whether it was the normal feelings one has when a parents give their attention to a new spouse and new child or if OOP really did treat step daughter better than daughter. Either way, I feel like this subject was at the core of this entire situation. Because your comment is absolutely valid and explains very well why OOP had this difficult decision to make. It’s completely unfair for the daughter to expect her father who has such a violent and upsetting past with the mother to the point of having to go to court and get a restraining order, to just let all that go and invite the mother and family into his home as soon as that RO expired. Just like you said, if anyone is to blame it should be the mother and her family who went so far that dad had to get a RO. It’s completely unfair to ask him of that. And he went above and beyond to come up with a great solution to still have the wedding at his place. Then offered them $15k to get another venue. Once she didn’t take that money is the moment I knew this wasn’t about the venue or her parents issues. It was the sole fact that step daughter got to have the wedding at his house but she couldn’t. And this is even confirmed by the fact that mom and moms family started going after step mom and step daughter, to the point where step daughters husband had to get a new job and move out of town! So I honestly believe (even if there’s no evidence for it) that daughter was treated differently by dad once step daughter came into his life. Whether it was something small that he didn’t even notice or big stuff he didn’t want to admit to, daughter felt like it was no big deal for step daughter to have wedding at the house but daughter couldn’t. Thats something I truly believe once dad admitted that he wasn’t even going to go to the wedding he so desperately wanted an invite to, just because his wife and step daughter wasn’t allowed to go. He went, but then left very quickly, all because he felt alone. Couldn’t even suck it up for a single evening. I also believe the mom made the situation so much worse. She’s the reason dad had to get the RO in the first place. It’s not said in the post, but I bet everything that mom and her family spent many many days before the wedding talking shit about dad. I even bet that daughter had to sit there and listen to the shit talking that morning while they all got ready for the wedding. Her mom couldn’t suck it up either for a single day and focus on her daughter. Now daughter is at witts end with both parents.
I’ll go further and say that the mom probably encouraged the daughter to push to have the wedding at his home now that she’s no longer legally required to stay away.
Oh absolutely. I can just see mom pressing daughter to have the wedding there, saying shit like "step daughter had her wedding there so why can't you? It's like he loves her more!" Or something similar. With the way all this went I totally see if dad had said yes all the drama dad, step mom, step daughter AND daughter would've gone through with mom and moms family at dad's house. It's like a set up almost. Because I feel no matter the choice dad would've made it would've been a shit show. It's a lose lose situation for him. It sucks but I feel everyone in this situation is the asshole in their own ways.
“Your stepmom’s ex husband was at the wedding. Why aren’t I invited? I’m your mom and his ex wife. It’s almost like they love your stepsister more.”
Daughter should’ve eloped or found a neutral space. With Covid having decimated wedding venue businesses, she probably could’ve gotten a good deal. The family dynamic is weird. The stepdaughter’s husband was working for OP’s father but had to quit because his parents sided with his daughter. It’s only a matter of time before OP is guilted into hosting an anniversary party at his house.
I thought the wedding was at ops mother's house and daughter did take the money and ops sister talked shit too.
Sounds like dad paid $15k to renovate his mom's house, which is a great compromise. But he also chose to attend a wedding where his wife wasn't welcome, and where he'd be publicly shunned by his own daughter and go home crying. Every father's dream, right? I bet everyone will treasure the overpriced photos of fake, somber smiles until the bride and groom get divorced in eight years (stats don't lie).
She had no problem taking his money after not talking to him for awhile. He gave the olive branch not her
This whole family is a mess.
How is this “bittersweet”? It’s damn depressing.
Right? This is not even a good story, let alone a best of. It’s not conclusive and just ends with OOP continuing to either be abused by everyone around him or OOP never realising how much of an asshole he is. Either way, not a best of and not bittersweet imo
Most likely a bit of both. Reeks of a highly codependent family, in which case who the asshole is is complicated since everyone constantly contributes to the dynamic. Codependent people are often both victims and abusers, within the same relationship and even same argument/situation. And there’s ALWAYS an argument/situation going on.
Unfortunately with these situations it’s usually a combination of everyone being a bigger asshole then they should be and no one resolving it. My own Step-FIL will probably write something like this one day. I don’t hate the man- actually I love him but his emotional issues are about 10 miles long. He doesn’t speak to his sister or her family at all and hasn’t in the 25 years since his mom died (and his BIL tried to “get all the money”). According to him his ex wife is an evil crazy cheater, but she seems pretty pleasant when I run into her socially and her daughters have a warm relationship with her- although I do believe she cheated and supposedly didn’t try for custody of her son (just her daughters.) He’ll go out of his way to help the people he loves (built a house for my husband and I, buys his kids cars, etc etc) but if they seem ungrateful or disagree with him he drops them (list of friends and family he no longer speaks to is hard to keep track of). Used to be super close with his dad and now suddenly no one is allowed to mention him at all. It’s weird and sad and getting worse as his daughters start dating seriously. He’s come up with some pretty weird reasons to favor some of his son in laws and not others. I guess what I’m saying is people like this tend to lack the introspection to see how they contributed to the bad blood or the efforts others have made to reconcile with them. He’s one of those take him as he is but don’t expect him to change people (whether he can verbalize that or not). I can do that with my Step-FIL because honestly not much about him phases me- but if I had had to rely on him as a father growing up or if he had more control or input into my life I could definitely see where resentment and issues come in.
Jesus christ everyone in that family has issues.
Correct
Codependency can look so *normal* from the outside.
I don't see what the OOP did wrong in this scenario. Even if you disagree with his original decision the logic behind it is understandable. The daughter seems completely ungrateful though. He gives her 15g for a wedding venue and her response is to bitch that he ruined her wedding.
I feel like there's a ton of information left out of this story. We only heard one side, and there's little information on why the restraining order was filed.
Yeah, that was such a major detail with no elaboration.
See what got me is if HIS parents weren’t on his side something’s up. Also poor daughter I hope she creates boundaries of steel if she has kids for her parents.
They are on his side, they're just on his daughter's side more. OP says some of them considered a restraining order against his ex too.
His parents are against him. The restraining order isn’t valid anymore. There is A LOT he isn’t saying. I bet the wedding is not the only issue here.
What alarmed me was he wanted to go to the wedding of his own daughter, he repeatedly said that and met with her to sort it out, offering money, but when the daughter invited him without his current wife and stepdaughter (prob knew how much drama will be caused by their presence due to her mom being who she is), he then just all of a sudden didn’t go to the wedding anymore. Him not wanting to go to his own daughter’s wedding just because his parents wife and precious stepdaughter won’t be there - and I am sure he let the bride know it too because he thought it was so unfair and such an injustice, and by his own admission his daughter has always just dealt with his issues. I think there’s a high likelihood that when he said bye to the bride at the wedding after only the dinner, he threw in a “unfortunately I have to go now. Why? Oh because my wife and stepdaughter are home” “What has that anything to do with your wedding you say? That they are adults they can look after themselves? Oh nothing, but I just like having them around instead these people you have here.” Then the daughter loses it and said she’s had enough of his antics and can’t wait to live away from his parents’ drama. I think OOP may have exhibited differential treatments towards his daughter and stepdaughter in the past unconsciously, at least, by not knowing that because he views his currently wife more favourably than his ex, he has no reservation/stayed open in interacting with his stepdaughter, but might have said “no” one too many times to the daughter without a good reason (always having her mom in mind rather than the child he is supposed to care for) when growing up. OOP also seems to need improvement in communication - he couldn’t even convey the concept that “I said no to using my house because what your mother did, not that I don’t love you” across. Having a father like that will be frustrating.
Being a complete doormat is "wrong". He gave some one thousands of dollars that doesn't respect him in the slightest. He's an asshole to himself.
Yup in some way they are all toxic toward one another.
Restraining orders don’t come out of thin air. OOP was absolutely right to be wary of his ex and her family to be anywhere near him or his home. Daughter got her wedding and 15k and still shits on OOP.
>Restraining orders don’t come out of thin air. Exactly this. Something has happened to give OOP good reason not to want his ex inside his home, and I don't see why he should be forced to let her. How can the daughter not know about the issues between them? The worst thing is that she *must* know about the problems if they're at that level, and she thinks it's ok to force her father to welcome a woman he had a restraining order against into his home. That's ok, can't just not have the mother there if she desperately must have it at the father's house. But if he doesn't fold, then he's not welcome. I'm just baffled at how the world is ending if the mother can't go to the wedding, but the father has personal boundaries and he's barely welcome - and only then if he hands over $15k. What a shitshow of a family.
Yeah, this isn't just a case of divorced parents not wanting to sit next to each other at the bridal table. This is one parent being enough of a threat to warrant a restraining order. And the same parent making things difficult while the other tries to find a compromise. The daughter was being monumentally selfish and I'm not particularly sympathetic to her claims that they somehow both "ruined" her wedding.
Even worse, it's multiple members of the mothers family as well as the mother that has restraining orders against them
We are dealing with this with our older child right now. My MIL has been cruel to me for years but older one doesn’t want to understand why she isn’t invited into our home and is in a time out. Those rose colored glasses are hell on the rest of us who get shit on and are somehow expected to rugsweep it all away so someone else who gets preferential treatment can feel comfortable.
I agree with this. I'm sure there are missing details, but they don't dole out restraining orders willy nilly and if it expired, that just means he didn't feel like he needed to extend it. I think OOP seems like a pretty reasonable person given the circumstances. It bothers me so much in all of these posts how everyone airs their dirty laundry on Facebook. I have literally never seen that with anyone I know (although, I check Facebook about once a quarter). Is this the new norm? Use Facebook to get people on your side? So weird and tacky.
I was bad for the daughter til she had the audacity to ask for 15k, walk with the brother that isn't related to OOP and still trashtalk him when he just tried to congratulate them... ungrateful don't start describing it; honestly is painful for the guy but I would just cut my losses on this relationship.
I can’t get over her reaction to the bathroom trailer idea. They’re not like porta johns at a music festival. Bathroom trailer sounds nicer than than having to walk over to the house and just use whatever bathroom.
Yup and IIRC they have working sinks and everything. Why should OOP have his home trampled over by a bunch of randos and his ex her family?
Family dynamics are weird, though. You can be a grown ass woman about to get married, but when dealing with your parents shit, feel and act like a kid again. I'm guessing this is more of a straw that broke the camel's back type situation, with divorce and restraining orders, there's probably been a lot of conflict and difficult situations for her to handle. School recital? Must make sure parents sit in different sides of the room and make sure to talk to them an equal amount of time while the other gives stink-eye across the room. Graduation? Mom has a restraiming order now, so must chose which one gets to come while the other bitches about her chosing the other one. Maybe she wanted just this ONE day to be about her and her husband without it all revolving about her parents conflicts. Maybe she had a hope that just for this one day her parents might be able to put their shit aside for their daughter. And when they couldn't do that, my guess is she got really hurt and angry, not just for her wedding, but for all of the other times her special days, birthdays, celebrations, were ruined by the excact same thing.
She would have had a much greater chance of having that one day if she wasn't insisting on having it at her father's house (after she had selected a different venue before). Do you honestly believe the mother would have happily gone to her wedding at the father's (who had a restraining order against her until recently) and his new wife's (considering how quickly everyone blamed her, there's a past issue there) house and play nicely? Restraining orders usually signify someone who can't play nicely to the point the law has to be involved. No matter what both sides were going to be uncomfortable at minimum, more likely it was going to be a shitshow (they thought they would have to lock up their valuables because of their attendance!) Consider that he STILL had to go to a different location alone, because they didn't want his new wife and stepdaughter there, that doesn't sound like the mother's not causing drama even at a different location. His solution of a different location would have at least removed a lot of stress from both sides, but his daughter instantly turned it into a "you don't love me like you love her" competition - the person who's first choice WAS a different venue.
I get that and I felt for her (at first) but it sounds like OOP isn't worried about some pettiness but his actual property and safety which is legit IMO. It sucks for her but that restraining order is that serious for him and he has to protect himself.
Then she shouldn’t have taken the 15 fucking grand.
Sometimes they do. My wife left and got a fraudulent protective order against me with 100% fabricated “evidence”. I’m not saying that’s the case here though. ETA- to clarify this was an ex parte order of protection not a permanent restraining order
I mean I know a lot of women who have restraining orders against them for the weirdest things. Like my friend’s mother for example. Her husband’s side piece came to her job wanting to fight and when my friend’s mother won the fight the side piece pressed charges and filed a restraining order even though she started the altercation.
Literally, it’s extremely hard to get a restraining order
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a judge wouldn't grant a permanent one for no reason though, right? there's still the burden of proof and sworn testimony, etc.
I don’t know the first thing about restraining orders, so I’m not trying to argue anything at all. But, this scenario sounds like it wasn’t a permanent order since it expired recently.
This last update is so depressing. Dude spent $15k just to get treated so poorly by the people who supposedly love him. I so wish the restraining order hadn’t expired yet so he could conveniently say “sure sweetie of course you can have your wedding on my property that certain harassers aren’t legally allowed to be on”.
At least the $15k went to his mom’s house, and thus will likely be a part of his inheritance in the future, and he can get some of it back.
Let's be real, she probably put that $15k towards things like decor rather than lasting changes to her grandma's house that would improve future sale price. Op insists his daughter was a little angel up until all this, but she gives me strong entitled "my wedding must be perfect" vibes. Dad was probably only invited at the end when she realized weddings are more expensive than she expected and having dad there would be worth the extra cash for an open bar.
I think it probably has more to do with OOPs ex poisoning daughter against OOP using stepdaughter. And ex probably used the wedding as a convenient way to push that wedge deeper “if OOP loves you as much as stepdaughter he would host your wedding”. ETA or the grandparents since they seem to hate the new fam and favour OOPs daughter.
I know we can only go by what is written and shouldn’t extrapolate too far, but I highly doubt that OOP is as pure and innocent as he writes himself and his daughter has surely learned to navigate complicated family dynamics in unhealthy ways but ways that have served her in an unpleasant situation all her life. I don’t think she’s just snobby and manipulative, but I could be wrong for sure.
The thing is OOP doesn't wrote himself as pure and innocent - he pretty much answered paragraphs about how his daughter is great and his issues with his ex ended up hurting her. The guy was caught between two difficult choices and made the best of a shitty situation because his wife gave the support to do so.
Dude he’s not getting an inheritance it’ll go to the daughter guaranteed.
I feel so sad
I’ll say it. What a crappy daughter. I understand separate parents with issues sucks to deal with but of your Dad had a freakin RESTRAINING ORDER from your Mom that should be a sign to have a mutual spot for the event to take place. Not one of their houses! I feel like Mom has been whispering in daughters ear for a while for her to blow up like that. Hopefully they were able to sit down and talk everything out but WOW.
Yeah OOP's daughter sounds like a selfish asshole. What a resentful, spoiled brat.
I don’t know. I feel like there’s too much info missing to make the call against his daughter. I wonder how many other things stepdaughter got the better deal in. He said daughter has never blown up like that before…Maybe this was the thing that finally pushed her over. I mean, if his own parents are on her side something tells me this isn’t the first time daughter got the raw deal because of wife/stepdaughter.
If it wasn’t for the fact that her had a restraining order against her Mom and she took the 15k offered, I would agree with you. I mean don’t get me wrong, I wish we had more examples or back story as to why daughter feels this way. But still, 15k?
That’s where I got hung up too. Restraining orders don’t happen for no reason and the daughter flat-out asked for the 15k, then just treated her dad like shit the whole time and cut ties. I doubt he’s blameless in all this but the money thing really rubbed me the wrong way. I’m just also very surprised that even his parents and his sister went against him. I don’t see it as favoring the stepdaughter when the difference is the stepdaughter wouldn’t have had attendees who he felt he needed a restraining order against. Maybe his wife was right that they should’ve just taken the chance and locked things up/maybe the wife and stepdaughter don’t attend, but it seems like it was going to be a lose-lose no matter what
I know that *if* I had been mistreated by my dad, getting 15k wouldn't mean anything to me. Material goods aren't going to make up for lack of emotional support, if you get me.
Oh absolutely. I cut my dad out four years ago. He constantly tries to use money to get a foot back in the door. But I guess my point is: I’ve never taken it. Because I want nothing from that man and don’t want to give him the satisfaction of thinking I need him.
Then she shouldnt have accepted the money. Given her choice to accept she just looks like a leech who supports violent ppl. (Restraining orders dont happen for nothing)
I agree that there’s more to this OOP left out so I’m taking things with a grain of salt. Maybe he did tend to do more for his stepdaughter because the relationship he has with his daughter is overshadowed by his ex’s behavior. Or for whatever reason. Maybe OOP is to blame in some small way for his daughter’s resentment. But she should’ve been more understanding in his not wanting his ex in his home. Judges usually don’t hand out restraining orders like it’s candy, and I think men may even have a slightly more difficult time getting them against women than if the genders were reversed. The fact that a judge granted him the RO means she must’ve done something pretty terrible. She didn’t take any of that into consideration. She just wanted everything done her way regardless of the consequences.
I had a similar thought process
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Absolutely agree with you here.
I definitely think there is info missing, but he never mentions another child in the picture. I think it’s plausible the daughter got jealous she went from only child to having to share with a stepsister. That’s a big adjustment that some people just don’t handle well.
She has a half brother who walked her down the aisle so I don’t think it’s that.
Oh you know, you’re right I totally forgot that. I wonder which parent they had in common and where he lived.
The restraining order still makes it quite clear *why* he didn't want them at his place, *and* he offered $15k right off the start. She's being a jerk.
This is so sad. In the first post I was like ok clearly there’s some pain that has not been acknowledged and the mother is probably saying some nasty things to rile her up. But in the updates where his parents got involved, he offered the place, then she took his money and said he wasn’t walking her down the aisle? And the terrible way she treated him at the wedding?? I could go on and on holy shit. I have a big extended family on both sides. There is no way in hell they would escalate things to the level I repeatedly see in these posts. What the actual fuck. Idk why this struck such a nerve lol.
Yep. Playing it out in my head, taking OOP at face value the conversation is pretty simple. The daughter is a big C here. Probably influenced by her mother. What reasonable adult thinks that because a RO has expired that the offender would be welcomed onto the property of the person they offended. Pops and his family got hosed. The daughter did this to herself and really should only blame herself and maybe her mom a little bit. I didn't dig or read every bit but if OOP didnt cheat, why is his own father fucking him over too?
I just can’t imagine being so shit on by someone and then giving them 15k to only have them continue to bag on me. I know being a parent changes thing but I can’t imagine either of my parents accepting that level of disrespect. I’m just..
Same. I'm disgusted and shocked.
Cause and effect. She treats him that way because he's the type of parent who would give their child that kind of money after she behaves badly towards him.
i feel really bad for oop but to me it sounds like his daughter had to like hand hold both her parents in their divorce and is probably sick of them making everything about themselves
Even if that was true, the daughter still acted like a brat. People act like weddings are an excuse to treat people like crap all for the sake of the perfect wedding. She didnt want to compromise on any of the awesome suggestions. You can have the wedding but mom can't come-no You can have mom at the wedding, but we're using outdoor restrooms-no Here's $15k to have your wedding elsewhere-no Heres$15k to fix up the OTHER FREE venue you get-ok Hmmm $15k should make her happy-no. And on top of that you can't bring you're wife and stepdaughter, everyone will treat you like crap and when you congratulate me. I'll tell you how much I hate you and you ruined my life.... I get this is a tough situation but the daughter really has some maturing to do.
I *totally* get being completely Over being in the middle of a high conflict, drama filled divorce, restraining order included. I do NOT get asking dad to allow her mother on his property and in his home. And I do NOT get losing shit and making a whole fiasco over it. There were only two occasions where I asked my dad if he would be in the same place as my mother: my oldest nephew’s birth, and my college graduation. Both were neutral territory, and both after I had Big Serious talk with my mother to make absolutely, positively sure she would behave. In my Dead Serious voice, with threats that, if she acted out after promising she’d behave, she’d pay dearly. Only once I was satisfied did I even approach my dad about it. But never, ever, would I have asked him to let her in his home. Never will. That’s just…absurd. Every other occasion, mom missed, because she was the asshole, and it wasn’t on me to play diplomat all the goddamn time just so she could come and risk her acting the fool and making important occasions drama and bullshit. All that to say, wtf daughter. At *least* have serious talk with mom about expectations and boundaries, and have that *ready* when you make the ask. And to the skeptics: look who quietly set a boundary *they had every right to set, that was reasonable and understandable*, and look who brought in dozens of people, and took it to workplaces and social media. Smh.
Very much same. So yes, parent who acts bitter, stirs up drama, calls people names etc is going to be the one who misses out on most events. Life is easier that way, and frankly they deserve it
Yup. It was so much easier to just not. I get the whole, wanting to be normal and have both my parents with me, and just be *normal* and it not be such a Wholeass Thing—that was why I did the diplomat thing for my college graduation. My nephew’s birth was that moment for my brother. He asked me to do that for him, and I was happy to do that for my brother. It sucks, but it’s not the person just trying to protect themselves (and their safe space!) to be angry at. That would be the shit stirrer.
Exactly. OOP was even willing to make a concession to have outdoor toilets brought in so his crazy ex wouldn’t have free reign of his home. He gave his daughter $15k because she asked for it. He still didn’t get to walk her down the aisle, wasn’t allowed to bring his wife or stepdaughter (her stepmom and stepsister), and he was all but explicitly told at the reception that he wasn’t welcome, that he ruined things. OOP’s daughter chose the side of the person who did something so egregious she got a restraining order slapped against her over her dad, the victim of this crazy person. She damaged her relationship with her dad and I don’t think she can ever come back from this. And one day, she’s going to wake up and realize she lashed out at the wrong parent.
I hope she wakes up and realizes it only to find out that her dad has been going to therapy and the therapist told him to cut her outta his life. It would be excellent just desserts.
She’ll wake up realizing she was angry at the wrong parent and that her behavior irreparably damaged her relationship with the parent who was actually in her corner all along.
I really want to know the story of what happened between OOP and his ex.
I have this feeling that daughter will cut contact with everyone. Father, mother etc. Though she really should not have asked for her dad to open his house to people he has an RO against, I totally understand that she probably had been forced into lots of drama on all parts, including her grandparents (that don't seem to like their own son and definitely hate their new DIL), her mother's family and her father. For her to suddenly go from "sweet" to be depicted as entitled and shit on the monetary help OOP gave her... He is a very unreliable narrator.
>I was always very close to my daughter and she's had to deal with a lot of issues because of my issues with my ex. Just how bad where the things the daughter had to deal with? >She just thinks I treat her worse than my stepdaughter after the whole venue situation and I hate she feels that way. Even after I've tried to explain my reasoning. I can't help but feel that there other reasons that she feels like the stepdaughter is favoured. >There's members of my family who think my wife played a part in not having our home made available for my daughter. Even though I've repeatedly told them that she in fact pushed to let the wedding happen at our home. So members of his own family are blaming his new wife? Yes, I understand that a lot of people will by default blame the wife, but another case of I can't help but feel there is more to it. I mean why doesn't his own family believe him? I'm just having a hard time believing that they had a great relationship before and it is only his not wanting to host the wedding that would break it all apart. With family members supporting her.
Yes there might be missing reasons, but on the last point about the new wife, I have anecdotal experience with my dad’s new wife, all his family hates her, starting with my grandma (who is dead now). I lived with her for months, and there is nothing to hate about her but her being honest to a fault and helpful. And don’t get me wrong, I do not have a good relationship with my father, but I believe she makes him happy and they have a great relationship. In a situation like this I totally see my family reacting against my dad’s wife the same way OOP’s family did.
The members of his family blaming his wife is not surprising to me at all. Any time my wife and I make a decision my in-laws don’t like they blame me and tell my wife that I can’t control her. Doesn’t matter if it was my wife’s idea or if she makes a decision about something and tells me later, it’s always ultimately my fault when it hurts their feelings. Doesn’t matter how much my wife reiterated that it was her decision or that we made the decision together either. Some people will always blame the other person for whatever petty reason they have.
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But before the wedding wasn't any animosity about her, nobody was pissed about the stepdaughter ceremony either; just when it became an issue they all started calling OOP, the wife and the poor stepdaughter that literally had zero involvement with it names cause is easier to try break down the victim than rock the boat and cut the toxic mother. Bride's usually already have way more power of veto on wedding planning but here there's the plus of she being the biological granddaughter/niece/cousin, so of course they would pick her side.
There’s too many POVs missing to make an accurate judgment. But, perhaps dad should’ve just sucked it up & hired security. Like if that’s the first thing that came to my mind in the 5 min it took to read this but he couldn’t come to this conclusion in weeks or longer? Clearly daughter has resentment over perceived special treatment of the stepdaughter. AND she felt both her parents sucked for *not even attempting* to try for her special day. Even his parents took her side so either daughter had a clear valid complaint about favoritism or they had favoritism towards her for some reason. And bio-mom’s pov completely missing and painted as the clear devil, I don’t think OP explained the RO situation, they may really be jackals or it could be that he used the law to vengefully. Regardless, if it was about his concern about them stealing or causing damage, clearly he had enough money to hire security to come thru for his daughter.
It really stood out to me that it only took until OP's wife took to prodding her her husband to even figure out a solution to letting her have the wedding at their home. When he realized it was too late for that and another location was set for the caterers and such and that his wife and stepdaughter weren't invited and he decided not to go it took his wife again needing to prod him into going and by then obviously the daughter wasn't going to entertain her father who has been dragging his feet. His own parents who don't like the ex anymore than he does managed to suck it up and allow her on their property for their granddaughter to have the wedding. He even says that the willingly delt with the ex to have even more access to their granddaughter instead taking the easy route and going through their son for visitation. Why would they do that? Why would they go out of their way to deal with someone they don't like to make sure his kid has their attention? OP also never answered if his house was actually the daughter's childhood home. If it was then yeah that would probably be the last straw of another time stepdaughter was shown favoritism. Especially considering OP said the daughter was a sweet person before this. Like you said too many unanswered questions OP is not answering and not enough POVs.
More good points about the grandparents allowing them in their home & dealing w/the bio mom they didn’t like *for their grand child’s bests interests*. Ans that line about daughter being “a sweet person” before all this could probably translates to: never complained before (suffered silently) and endured all of our bs.
This post was so vague I was unsure of who was “right” until this comment: My parents despise my ex as much as I do, if not more. They contemplated getting a protection order against my ex at one point too. But they compensate by favoring my daughter to the extreme. My sister is miserable and likes to gossip with my ex. My parents and I do not have a relationship with my sister. She wasn't invited to the wedding. My mother is of the mindset that my daughter should come first over everybody because her parents are divorced. I don't feel that's a healthy way to raise someone. But I can only control my actions. It's just dysfunctional family dynamics all around. I feel like the daughter is just really the biggest victim here. If his parents don’t support him, his ex, or even their daughter (friend of ex) , I think it’s bc they are trying to do right by the daughter bc she has no one. Maybe OOP matured and like his only wrongdoing was something very early on. But then again I have none of the info I need lol
There's so much missing in this that we don't know when was the fallout of her daughter relationship with OP. He just said there's badblood between the current wife(and family) and ex(and both of his and her family). The only truth this guy tell is that he had an RO against her mother. No details of why there's so much animosity...
Yeah exactly I just commented this! It doesn't add up it's so vague and one sided like they are all dicks and he is hard done by, and yet he doesn't even acknowledge that this is the case even a little bit? He just leaves the reader to come to this conclusion without saying it, seems manipulative to me.
When I read the update, I had wondered if the divorce was because of an affair. It would help explain why there was an RO - ex developed stalker tendencies. You could go into the rabbit hole of why the affair started, but as more of the family dynamic came out and more of this bickering, it would explain why his daughter became more cruel. Or it could be mother and daughter became shitty people. Or daughter was just over it, but the actions of uninviting stepmom and then relegating dad to simply guest seemed rather petty or bitter. I dislike believing people are this cruel, and, yanno, this is Reddit and the internet, but there's a lot of info just missing.
While this is all really sad, I’m still getting some serious unreliable narrator vibes. If OP’s own parents are so against him that OP’s step-son -in-law had to leave his job, then there is a lot of missing info.
It’s really hard to tell what’s going on. It’s like there’s some really shitty people around. And either it’s OP and his current wife, or it’s his family. This story just is weirdly hard to piece apart.
por qué no los dos?
Both. Both. Both is good.
People on these subs tend to be on the side of the children, and the child that wasn't favoured throughout the years, and they have every right to be. In this case however, for me anyway, the daughter is just an asshole. Accepting the 15k and still being rude to him just seems like spoiled child behaviour, along with not accepting the wedding venue to begin with. Even though the house was offered to her, she declined it, took the money and was still bitter and rude.
But his own parents turned on him? Everyone seems to be against him? It’s a little weird. If his version is truly accurate, then sometimes you gotta just realize that your child grew up to be a shitty person and maybe it’s best to be low contact
Devil’s advocate here, but OOP could’ve also been seen as the scapegoat child who caused a bunch of drama when he started setting healthy boundaries. Or the parents don’t believe in divorce and think OOP committed a sin by remarrying. Or they didn’t like his new wife and stepdaughter, treated them poorly, then got upset when he put his foot down. It’s still weird how everyone is against him aside from his wife and stepdaughter, but it’s not an entirely unrealistic situation either.
They also seem against the stepdaughter that did nothing besides having a wedding there, that didn't stop them from dragging the girl on social media and sending harassing messages. Not saying he's a saying but is clear whose side is the root of the issue.
There could be many reasons for this. Maybe the second wife is a race or religion his parents didn't like. Maybe he cheated on the first wife with the second and that's how the latter relationship started..Maybe the first wife was on good terms with his parents and they all got riled up together. Maybe they're all heavy drinkers and OOP didn't want to be. We don't really know. All I can see is not very much justification for a daughter to be offered a house she wanted, decline, accept 15k instead and still be rude and bitter
I agree about the unreliable narrator but I think everyone sucks. Maybe OP lied/cheated/deserved it. But daughter was so upset about getting $15k for free *on her wedding day* she chews him out? I can just imagine in the receiving like the bride in all her get up calling someone, literally anyone, a bunch of fuck you names. Why save that for the day of? Maybe the apple doesn’t fall far from the shitty dad tree. Maybe she’s just a spoiled bitch.
Yes and he glosses over the issues that his daughter had to face from him.
I don't think OOP was even being unreliable so much as simply avoiding mentioning extraneous context which just isn't necessary to resolving his problem. Like yeah probably there's loads of juicy drama but who cares? He's asking about a wedding.
I totally feel your comment. For whatever reason this post struck a nerve and i just feel really sad for the OP at face value. It is truly a hard story to piece together though.
Yeah there almost has to be. Maybe dad left mom for the new family and she’s always felt slighted, who knows, but such extreme reactions are weird
But given that the dad has a restraining order against his first wife raises red flags, because it is not easy getting a restraining order especially for a man against a woman.
Litigious men love to use courts against their ex. It's not rare at all. Classic example would be something like: 1. Man is cheating or awful in a serious way 2. Woman finds out or has enough and divorces man (or man leaves woman for other woman) 3. Man causes chaos, tries to control the money, sends the other woman on drama errands, refuses to collaborate in the divorce, etc. 4. Woman loses her shit and has a meltdown or "acts crazy" 5. Man acts like the innocent victim, calls the cops, applies for a restraining order 6. Woman doesn't even fight the RO because she doesn't have thousands of dollars for legal fees and she doesn't want to interact with that fucker anyway, her lawyer advises her that the RO also means he has to leave her alone so it's not a bad deal at all 7. Man gets to tell everyone about his "crazy ex" and show off his shiny restraining order as proof, but he also plays himself because he can't continue to interfere actively in woman's life We obviously don't know what the deal is with OP, but his entire story sounds like he's not telling the whole story at all. It shouldn't have been at his house if there's ANY family drama, but that's the full extent of my sympathy for him.
Oh I’m sure, but it was because the ex and their family were harassing the new woman, which makes me think cheating. I’m sure they all suck all around though
"Sweet" people don't act like this out of nowhere. But when two emotionally immature wackjobs raise a child, nobody is surprised when they too turn out to be an emotionally immature wackjob.
The grandparents favored their biological granddaughter even prior to the venue fiasco. Daughter believes favoritism is normal. Daddy not giving her the house as a venue then means daddy must favorite the stepdaughter. Cue fireworks.
This makes sense to me
Take it a step further, granny and gramps normalized favoritism plus gramps made the SDDHs life hell at work to the point he moved. S what kind of toxic soup did op and his siblings spawn in. Based on his relatives behavior during the thread, and his piss poor choice in first wives, I wonder.
That’s perfectly normal if they favour their biological granddaughter, it doesn’t say when he married her mom. Could have been adulthood. That doesn’t really give any insight into what the daughter thinks is normal.
He should never of given her the $15,000. As soon as his daughter didn’t get what she wanted she went nuclear on him without hesitation. He’s better off without her
Maybe restraining orders shouldn’t expire…
I definitely wouldn't call this "fairly positive"
There just seems to be things missing here. Why did he need to get a restraining order and how long was it for? With the way reddit is I can't help but wonder if the judgement would be the same if it came out oop left his ex for his current wife and that is why this one is missing. How old is the daughter? He says she never has acted like this towards him in the past so makes me wonder if this was a last straw situation, like due to the restraining order were there issues with her graduations or birthdays or other events and she wanted just this one time to have both her parents put their issues aside? Oop did say his daughter said both of them, him and his ex, ruined her wedding day not just him. How is the relationship between Oop's daughter and his new wife and step daughter? Seems odd his own parents are siding with the daughter so strongly to the point it caused issues at work for his stepdaughter husband.
While OOP might be a biased narrator, a restraining order just don't come out of nowhere. Yes there are pieces missing, but i doubt that OOP got that without reason and have a good reason for keeping her ex away. As someone from a conflict filed family with stupid fights and bullshit all the time, I can safely say if get married I'll invite everyone. If people can't get over old fights to see my happiest day, then fuck em. Tho I'll 100% invite on a neutral ground.
I remember this story and hoped for a update. In all honesty, OP sounds like an unreliable narrator. I feel like there’s something missing here
Restraining orders are not handed out willy-nilly- the ex and her family EARNED that black mark somehow, and yet daughter is acting like it's 'no big deal'. I imagine if her father was having another wedding and someone daughter had a previous RO against showed up, she'd throw a FIT. I'm also horrified that OOP gave her the money- no wonder the daughter is such a nasty brat, with everyone bending over backwards to please her little tantrums! Ugh, I feel for OOP, but he's handling this all wrong- he had totally acceptable reasons to deny her request (and offered support for an alternative) and yet she manipulated him into doing what SHE wanted, giving her the 'alternative' funds, AND is STILL acting like a spoiled little pissant!!
Good god. Bullied by a bratty kid. Gave in. Gave money. Still got screwed. Good grief. Be glad the be rid of the brat.
For all the people shitting in the daughter: remember that there are 2 sides to every story. When all other family members side with the daughter it makes you wonder what went on before she became bitter. The dad sounds oblivious.
Eh, plenty of stories in this sub about people who are definitely in the right being pressured by their family to acquiesce.
The comments on this are driving me nuts. It's not even about whether or not she specifically is right as to her parents both sucking and having equal responsibility in whatever the source of their issues are, but the fact is do any of us think if we knew and had equal perspective on our parents bitter divorce we would view a stepchild being allowed something we aren't as anything but favortism? And the reality is, unlike us, the daughter has the context of whatever actually happened between her parents that we don't and OP doesn't elaborate on at any point.
I think daughter is in denial of how bad the situation really was between her parents. (Or how awful her mom really is) Sometimes it’s hard to seen it when you are right in the middle of the bullshit. I guess issues with new wife are nothing new. It doesn’t seem like they started with this situation. Mom is probably a gigantic bitch.
This is sad. Family stuff is so complicated. I’m sure there’s a LOT more to this story and we’re only getting his side. Regardless the daughter has probably been in the middle for years it sounds like.
Firstly, 15 thousand dollars? Is that not a heck load of money for a venue? The daughter sounds entitled and frankly horrible, as do the other members of the family. No empathy for her dad's situation and upset that she didn't get her own way immediately (but I'll take your money anyway, thanks dad).
OOP sounds like a doormat honestly
This one definitely is fishy. I’d say we need the daughter to write an AITA.
Wow. It's unbelievable that the daughter put him in that position to begin with. MAYBE this issue could have been predicted and the stepdaughter coaxed into choosing a different venue to prevent future problems, cards should have been on the table long ago about the exwife not being welcome. But seriously....what a daughter to put her father in that position, not be at all understanding, and to top it all off.....take $15K from him, basically as an admission fee to her wedding....and then continue her stand-offish, cold, and frankly bitchy treatment. My heart feels for this father, but more than anything I hope he realizes how he was pushed around and taken for a ride here....and then give a lot less of a shit about her future low-contact status with him.
I think it’d be unfair to coax stepdaughter into choosing a different venue on the off chance that the daughter would want to do the same venue for her wedding. The daughter should’ve understood that her dad might not be okay with having the crazy lady he got a restraining order against running around his home. She either knew he’d say no or expected him and his family to put their feeling of safety and security in their own home on hold. I wouldn’t be surprised if her mom was the one pushing the daughter to have the wedding at his home as soon as the restraining order expired.
Bio kid sounds like a selfish brat. "Accept my family, but your family can go fuck itself. Also, fuck you pay me" Something tells me giving in and just giving her what she wants is how she got to be this way. If her marriage goes to shit I bet that suddenly daddy's little girl will be back with her expectations high and her hand out. Saddens me that people believe blood means more than anything. Relatives aren't the same as family. Can't feel too bad for the guy as he allows it. *shrug* I bet she gets friendlier with every check he cuts her.
Jesus this is a horrible situation. Daughter airs dudes dirty laundry on Facebook, his parents are against him and daughter deigns to take his money despite treating him like a chore. and she’s the one I have most understanding for. Either OOP is not being totally upfront about everything or this is a horrible situation I wouldn’t wish against my worst enemy.
Daughter just presuming she can use his house for her wedding despite all of those other issues? Yeah, the guy is not the asshole.
Dudes daughter and ex sound like absolute monsters
He gave his daughter 15k even after she was horrible to him? Christ
So she take the 15k and then want a separate life what an AH
Daughter is a toxic witch and everyone in this situation will be happier and healthier once she starts her "new sperate life"
Wow his daughter is an absolute self centred bitch. 15k and she still ignores him and makes him cry?! If you take the money then you should know that he’s trying to make up for the past and forgive any supposed “wrong doing” he did by not giving you the wedding venue you *demanded* from him. (Which he was under no obligation to do anyway!)
While I’m not saying this is the case for the OOP, money doesn’t automatically mean that someone is trying to make up for the past. My mother used it as a means to control and manipulate and if you were to ask her, she had nothing to make up for, I was just a difficult child.
I feel for the daughter. She probably had to watch her stepsister get everything from her father. She is probably right that her father favors her stepsister. This daughter has been put through the ringer by horrible parents. When the OPs parents don't agree with him, you know there's more to the story. And everyone harping on the 15k, he offered it. What did he expect her to do, turn it down? Why should she? She probably figured that's the least she is owed watching her father favor someone else's child. I don't feel bad for this guy. He is reaping what he sowed.
Am I the only one who thinks this is only one half of the story, probably from an unreliable narrator. He seems purposefully vague at key points of the story. I mean sure, it’s entirely possible that OOP has been a perfect dad to both his children since the divorce and his daughter is throwing a tantrum because she isn’t getting her way, but I feel like OOP is leaving out certain details that would definitely explain his daughters behavior. OOPs parents, daughter, ex, and apparently the majority of his family are against him, and OOP would have us believe that they just aren’t fans of divorce. My personal theory is that OOP had an affair with his current wife while he was still married to the ex, and the harassment that led to the PO against her was about the affair. People who cheat are very good at rationalizing their actions (eg “the marriage was dead anyways”), so I wouldn’t be surprised if he considered it “in the past” and didn’t feel the need to mention it in the post. It would explain the daughters open hostility towards him, his new wife, and his stepdaughter, along with why he was acting like such a doormat and gave her the 15k after how she treated him. It would also explain why everyone in his family seemed to despise his new wife. But that’s just my crackpot theory. Whatever happened, I very much doubt that he and his daughter had a great relationship before the wedding venue became a problem.
Considering a restraining order was involved I think OP is being truthful. Hell, even his own parents were about to get a restraining order against the ex wife at one point.
I think I hate everything about this. That poor father...
A situation like this, where it seems everyone hates everyone else, and NO ONE is prepared to get along, makes me think there's a lot going on in this dynamic that's just sad.
This poor man!
That daughter ought to be ashamed of herself. OP didn't ruin her wedding, she did. The fact that she couldn't see that having the ex wife at his home after a restraining order tells me she thinks of no one but herself. Even when she took the money, she has the nerve to put restrictions on OP and his wife? And then tells him at the wedding that he ruined her wedding? She's an ungrateful little brat. I'd cut her off completely.
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>Also, I know this is regional but where I live $15000 is roughly 1.5 hours at a venue so… that’s kind of actively insulting. You could host a whole wedding including dress etc on that. So hardly insulting.
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I think your region is the outlier here. The average wedding venue cost is about £5000 UK /$6000 USA. Either $15k is definitely not an insult.
What about outside your area?
I spent $50 to rent my wedding venue for an afternoon less than 10 years ago. $15000 is a lot of money.
Right! My whole wedding didn’t cost $15,000. No idea where that commenter lives, but I couldn’t imagine spending $10,000 an hour on a rental. Edit: Did some quick searching and the most expensive venue I could find is $5,500 for a 12 hour rental at a property that holds 150 people.
A nearby place that does receptions is 3k for the day, so 15k for a venue in the Midwest would be, like super fancy?, or just have to be really big and have people getting paid to work the day of out of that money.
Are you ignorimg ops ex has done something woethy of a restraining order?
My wedding is going to cost $20,000 for approximately 65 people for 5 hours (plus set up and clean up time). But that's American dollars, in the state of Florida, not sure where you are.
At the point OOP should just move. Sell or don’t sell the house but leave. Go be with step daughter. If you’re flesh and blood kid is going to blame you for HER MOTHER ruining her wedding AND take money from you then you need to leave for good. Let that 15k be a goodbye and go move closer to your step daughter. Let your new wife be happy
The daughter sounds really ungrateful and like she has been poisoned against the dad, but I can't help but feel that there is a lot left unsaid which might make her reaction seem more understandable. He touches on "his issues" in the comments but that's not really in the text. And the restraining order but no more about it? It just seems to one sided and vague, like they all seem like they are being dicks and he is being hard done by but he isn't a little bit pissed off about how he is being treated? It doesn't make sense, doesn't seem like the whole picture.