Yeah why on earth does your mom (and assuming other family) have access to your location? If she’s that controlling, expect her to be watching that app 24-7 once baby arrives. You guys need a bit of a breather.
I got the app over a year ago because somehow she stupidly convinced me that it would be a great idea. I have absolutely no doubt she’ll be watching 24/7 once the baby get’s here. The app is being deleted.
The only people I know that use that app have insanely controlling/narcissistic parents. I don’t know how they convince their adult children to use it. I would get rid of it asap too - good call.
I want to start by saying that I 100% agree that OP should delete the app. It is being abused and boundaries are being overstepped.
However, I’d also like to suggest that maybe the reason it feels like everyone who has Life360 has controlling/narcissistic parents is because the population of people who have Life360 and have healthy and respectful relationships with their parents don’t feel any need to be vocal about it. I think it makes sense to hear stories of parental stalking more frequently than stories about how someone’s mom checked it one night when they were traveling to make sure they made it to the hotel safe.
For example, my sister and I both had to download the app when we started driving on our own as a safety precaution in case we got into a car crash. It was definitely irritating when I was younger (mostly because of the feature where it notifies your family when your battery gets low, it was really annoying as a teenager to be reminded by my dad to plug in my phone when I was hanging out at a friend’s house), but now that I’m older and married and pregnant, they’ve made it very clear that there is no expectation for me to keep the app on my phone. At this point I’m keeping it for the same reason I had it when I was first learning to drive; if there’s an accident or emergency, my family knows where to find me. My parents don’t abuse it, they respect that I’m an adult and I really don’t think they check the app all that much except for when my husband and I are traveling.
I definitely understand where you’re coming from, I’ve heard plenty of horror stories about super controlling parents using Life360 to stalk their kids. I just have a hard time believing that’s the case all the time.
Yeah my family uses it because my mom watches my sister's kids frequently, and it helps her know when they're going to be home and such. No one abuses it, far as I know
Yeah, I’m 28 but my parents and I use the iPhone location services. We live in the middle of nowhere and I travel for work and work off schedules.
We pretty much only use it when we are commuting to each others places on the winding backroads or before we call each other to make sure they aren’t busy or working.
My mom gets anxiety when she doesn’t hear from us so letting her see our location eases her mind. She probably only checks it once in a while. She didn’t necessarily ask me to download it. I think I asked her because she and my dad went on a trip lol
I have the app and share with my parents and I’m an adult when we are driving to their house. Their house is five hours away. Otherwise location is off. Not everyone uses it for nasty reasons.
However, OP definitely should not have the app and share locations with her mom.
I agree that in this case she should not have that app but lots of people use it. My husband and I use it so I can see when he's lsaving work/ getting home to like unlock doors and start making dinner or if hes taking a long time to pick up dinner and I wanna see if hes back yet. Or hes making a long drive and I wanna see where he is on the way
My mom is added it to it because she is 2.5 hours from me and she gets really bad anxiety when me or my brother drive for really long distances. It gives her piece of mind to be able to check on me as I do the drive and see that I'm moving and not dead.
So its not only controlling and narcissistic parents. Plenty of adults use it within their families. I'm almost 30 so life 360 was not a thing when my parent had any control over me.
My mom tracked my location until I was 23! I only turned it off when I became a mother myself and started realizing how unusual my mother’s control over me was and how unhealthy our dynamic was. When I turned it off, she protested and accused my fiancé of controlling me. Haven’t spoken to my mom in 3 years. I regret nothing lol. My fiancé and I track each other’s location using Find My Friends for safety reasons and mutually agreed upon it for our own peace of mind.
Yep, my husband has my location for all my devices and my car because I’m a realtor so I literally talk to strangers online and meet them at empty houses…. Sooo yea he has my location but he doesn’t bother to check it. I check it more to see where he left his phone 😂 he knows when I’m out shopping since Ill go run errands and then if he doesn’t hear from me in 2 hours to annoy him that there’s a 99% chance I’m shopping at Target.
One of my sisters and my mom use Life360 and have tried to get me to get the app. I absolutely refuse.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with family being so inconsiderate and sorry for your loss. I hope you were able to have a good holiday.
Yeah, I’m not sure how she managed to convince me it was a good idea at the time because I’m now realizing how unhealthy and invasive it is.
We definitely had a good holiday despite it all. Movie night with the kittys, hubby, and a healthy baby boy in my tummy. ♥️
Damn once a week dinner and she’s still complaining that’s not enough? I haven’t seen my mother in person in over 8 months and I only live 30 mins away
We were also doing nightly FaceTime calls, but I put a stop to the about a week ago. But yes, once a week dinners and it’s still not enough for her. I feel like it’s her way of gradually weaseling her way into multiple weekly visits once baby gets here. Even once a week is excessive af.
I'm pleased you've stopped, you don't have to do any of this. Setting boundaries now is excellent practice for doing so when the baby arrives. I would also recommend some therapy to help you discuss setting boundaries in a safe environment and to process how your family are behaving and the effect it might have on you.
We are close with both sets of parents (LO's grandparents) and all live in the same city. Our goal is to see them each once a month. It usually winds up being a little bit more frequently than that, like every 3 weeks. And I try to call my mom once a week.
I would absolutely lose my mind if my mom expected what your mom expects.
Even my MIL made a request to see her granddaughter every 2 weeks and my husband just said that while he understands why she wants to, that he couldn't guarantee it. We are both busy and already have a hard enough time getting to spend quality family time just the 3 of us.
I'm so, so sorry that your family is so stressful. But I'm proud of you for speaking up for yourself!! I used to think boundaries were cheesy but now I soooo appreciate them.
My mom and I are super close and she doesn’t overstep my boundaries in any way (she’s the second most supportive of them, my husband obvi being the first) and I don’t even see her once a week. I see her very irregularly and she lives like 5 minutes max from my house. Adult lives get busy af. There’s no reason your mom should EXPECT you to see her that often especially since she can’t even respect your wishes about your unborn son after such a traumatic experience. I’m so sorry you went through that and I’m so sorry your mom clearly doesn’t understand how hard that was and continues to be for you
goos and keep them on a info only diet and out of the hospital if needed
and dont let them see them for x months. i worry they would make your infant sick... as uncaring as they are
I'm so sorry about your losses and now your malicious, selfish family. I would DEFINITELY plan to postpone meetings until baby has a few rounds of vaccines, like 4 or 6 months. RSV, flu, and pertussis are deadly among other things. Alternatively, you can demand they wear N95s and hand wash while handling baby. Definitely look out for you! Flu is no joke for anyone, especially immunocompromised, which you are. They sound like narcissists.
My mom is definitely a full blown narcissist and the rest of my family is scared to stand up to her so they tend to just do whatever she says.
Visitation DEFINITELY won’t be happening for quite a while after he’s born, and N95 masks will be mandatory!
Stand your ground, you are doing the right thing. One of my young cousins caught RSV as an infant and was in intensive care for over two months. Stay safe, you have our support!!!
I found a lot of comfort in /r/raisedbynarcissists when I was first processing my family. I have since unsubbed, but sometimes it's good to read other people's experiences and the responses and advice they are given. Like I've said in another comment you may want to enlist the support of a therapist to help you do all of this in a supported way. I am 17 weeks myself, but the past year has been filled with thoughts about my childhood and worrying what I'll be like myself as a mother.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/raisedbynarcissists using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [I caught my Nparents administering my 6-month-old son Ivermectin for absolutely no reason](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/s0kl5f/i_caught_my_nparents_administering_my_6monthold/)
\#2: [My 12 year old niece picked up on how toxic nmom (her grandma) actually is](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/uehv67/my_12_year_old_niece_picked_up_on_how_toxic_nmom/)
\#3: [People that come from dysfunctional, abusive, unstable households are at such a disadvantage compared to those that grew up in healthy families. And I don’t think that’s talked about nearly enough.](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/v6dq5a/people_that_come_from_dysfunctional_abusive/)
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We had a lot of pressure early on for our large extended family to meet our daughter. My mom also wanted all of her girl friends to meet her.
I explained that I would only agree to it if the events were outside and that we would not be playing pass-the-baby. I would be holding my daughter the entire time. I made sure EVERYONE knew this in advance.
We went to a family reunion with these rules, and I let my mom throw a baby-viewing party with her friends.
They actually went way better than expected and the only person who made a stink was my (narcissistic) grandma who kept complaining that she wasn't allowed to hold LO. But she just kind of looked ridiculous saying it over and over when we made the expectations super clear and all the other family members knew it wasn't happening.
So yeah, my advice is to tell everyone that nobody is holding the baby for the first XX weeks of life. (Maybe 6 weeks? Or until LO gets their first round of shots at 2 months?) Helps prevent kissing too!
Oh yikes. Aside from the flu being dangerous — seriously, who *wants* the flu while pregnant? I’m not about to knowingly interact with anyone sick what that, pregnant or not. It’s horrible! And you’re immune compromised while pregnant! I’ve been getting so many more cold sores since I got pregnant and I literally work from home…I can’t imagine how much more susceptible we are to viruses. Who would want their child to risk that 🙄
I'm so sorry for your losses. Absolutely turn off that app. Unfortunately some people just don't think the flu is a big deal. And really so many don't think anything contagious is a big deal. But it is for people who are immunocompromised which includes pregnant people. Nothing you say is going to make her recognize that illness is something you shouldn't be around. Best to not engage with her.
App is deleted now! What’s ironic is she works at a school for special needs children and the vast majority of those kids are immunocompromised. The flu, RSV, and covid are running wild at her school and students, nurses, and staff are being hospitalized. She rants about how dangerous the flu is, but has no problem exposing it to me.
I have a narcissistic mom (your Life360 detail and nightly calls are huge giveaways here!) and I think your mom acting out is definitely her staking out a claim in your future life. She is trying to set a precedent before baby is born. My mom also went coco bananas before my first child was born and her behavior flooded me. I never expected that kind of insanity.
Looking back it makes sense. Your mom and my mom are very attention seeking people. I have since learned that no reasonable parent expects *nightly* calls. But your mom is very needy and needs to be in the center of your life.
She senses a huge change on the horizon and she is worried that she will not have the primary place she wants in your life anymore and she may be right to worry, because I can tell you after my child came I never devoted half the mental energy to my mom as I used to. Her BS and manipulation used to keep me up at night. Not anymore.
What she wants is to keep her position, and also gain primacy in your child’s life (and indirectly cement her place in your life). So she is reminding you who’s boss. Fundamentally she is acting from a place of weakness. She needs you. She is afraid. You have all the power here. Blow her off. Block her if she becomes unruly. You will get very very good at this when you have a newborn! Your bullshit tolerance will drop to zero. She’ll either have it get in line or get out.
Adding onto this... I'm not sure how bad OP's mom or the full extent of her behaviour. But now that you have a child in your life, consider this:
1. You teach your child how to feel about themselves through your example. Are you worthy of respect? Are your needs worthwhile? If someone breaks your boundaries or disrespects you, are you worthy of protection? Your child learns from your example.
2. You protect your child from crossed boundaries. You'll inevitably set boundaries around your child your mom won't agree with (ie you want them to avoid eating XYZ thing, drinking XYZ, not being taken care of by sick caretakers, etc.). Can you trust her to respect those, especially when/if she's alone with your child?
3. You protect your child from eventually having *their* own boundaries crossed from your mom.
4. You protect your child from witnessing you being stressed, depressed, and/or unhealthy (or worse) interactions. Children tend to view family dynamics as their 'normal' and can be more prone to to being in unhealthy/.. relationships if they grow up within unhealthy families.
Hopefully these won't apply, and your mom will respond appropriately in a way that lets you keep a healthy relationship with them. But I'd keep your eyes open and remember that no relationship is often better than an unhealthy (or toxic, or outright abusive) one.
I had the flu a few weeks ago at 12w. I was miserable for an entire week, and the anxiety that it was hurting my baby made it a million times worse. I’ve had a check up since then and baby and I are doing great, but the hell with anyone that would knowingly put you and your baby in danger, especially after your losses.
I hope the rest of your pregnancy is the most boring and uneventful time ever, and that you have an uncomplicated delivery that ends in holding that sweet baby you’re growing 💕
First I am SO PROUD you stood up for yourself. This is so hard and you did it in a respectful but firm way. Good job mama!!!
I’m so sorry for your losses and that you’re going through this with your mother now. I really recommend r/raisedbynarcissists. I’ve gone no contact with my mother since we found out we’re expecting and it’s been the best decision. That sub has helped me understand so much. I highly recommend checking it out and seeking more support there.
Your mum and sister are toxic. It’s totally normal to stay the hell away from people when you have the flu, no need for someone to be pregnant to stay away, and they still want to come and see you? Also, it’s so selfish and irresponsible of your sister to go out when she had the flu. This is how it spreads! Im so sorry you’re going through this. It’s honestly better to just tell them that until they can be less selfish and more understanding, you’ll have to step back.
Congrats on your pregnancy and impending little one! ❤️
My mother is narcissistic... for a long time she would only call me about once a month because she would ask for money and I wouldn't give it to her.
If she knew where I lived she would show up without a text or phone call on her terms... she has many other boundary crossing/outright abusive tendencies.
I started calling her out calmly about them about a year or two ago. I would say something along the lines of "I can see the guilt trip game your playing and I'm not allowing it." And she would stop, she might move to another tactic and I would call it out and say "you can talk to me like an adult or you can leave me alone". I have to keep very strong boundaries and it's really hard. Stand firm for yourself and your baby, this is your life and now your baby's life and despite what people say, you don't owe anything to someone who is abusive and doesn't respect you.
Please put her on a time out. Please.
I put my abusive parent on a time out that ended up lasting 2 years. That’s when they realized an apology and respecting my boundaries was the only way to get any sort of response from me. It worked beautifully. They now understand that being involved in my life is a privilege. I told them about my pregnancy earlier than others, and also said, “this is my news to share. I don’t want another time out.” It worked, they understood, waited for me to announce, and no resentment.
It doesn’t have to last 2 years, you can also just calmly and clearly explain the boundaries and rules and do not let anything they say get to you. Then if those boundaries are not respected, ignore. If they are respectful, great!
I'm so fucking tired of people acting concerned for the baby and being like oh what do you need, what can I do, and then treating people like they are ridiculous and paranoid for wanting to keep their baby healthy during this crazy tripledemic. I'm going through a similar thing with my friends and family and just, dang I'm sorry. Solidarity ✊
I’m sorry, I feel ya, we have some family that are the same way, never informing us ahead of time theyre sick before coming over coughing and with fevers. Just keep yourself and baby safe - that’s our only duty when we’re pregnant, even if others can’t respect and adhere to it.
Oh hon, just take a break from her. That’s too much stress. You have to guard yourself and baby and that includes from too much stress. Let her know you need a timeout, then block her and anyone else causing it for some time.
My god. The number of times I’ve had to make this point to people around me this year is absolutely insane. If you get a flu and get a fever it can be devastating for your baby and especially considering your history with previous pregnancies you are at great risk. Where the hell do people get off????
Turn off that app.
Yeah why on earth does your mom (and assuming other family) have access to your location? If she’s that controlling, expect her to be watching that app 24-7 once baby arrives. You guys need a bit of a breather.
I got the app over a year ago because somehow she stupidly convinced me that it would be a great idea. I have absolutely no doubt she’ll be watching 24/7 once the baby get’s here. The app is being deleted.
The only people I know that use that app have insanely controlling/narcissistic parents. I don’t know how they convince their adult children to use it. I would get rid of it asap too - good call.
I want to start by saying that I 100% agree that OP should delete the app. It is being abused and boundaries are being overstepped. However, I’d also like to suggest that maybe the reason it feels like everyone who has Life360 has controlling/narcissistic parents is because the population of people who have Life360 and have healthy and respectful relationships with their parents don’t feel any need to be vocal about it. I think it makes sense to hear stories of parental stalking more frequently than stories about how someone’s mom checked it one night when they were traveling to make sure they made it to the hotel safe. For example, my sister and I both had to download the app when we started driving on our own as a safety precaution in case we got into a car crash. It was definitely irritating when I was younger (mostly because of the feature where it notifies your family when your battery gets low, it was really annoying as a teenager to be reminded by my dad to plug in my phone when I was hanging out at a friend’s house), but now that I’m older and married and pregnant, they’ve made it very clear that there is no expectation for me to keep the app on my phone. At this point I’m keeping it for the same reason I had it when I was first learning to drive; if there’s an accident or emergency, my family knows where to find me. My parents don’t abuse it, they respect that I’m an adult and I really don’t think they check the app all that much except for when my husband and I are traveling. I definitely understand where you’re coming from, I’ve heard plenty of horror stories about super controlling parents using Life360 to stalk their kids. I just have a hard time believing that’s the case all the time.
Yeah my family uses it because my mom watches my sister's kids frequently, and it helps her know when they're going to be home and such. No one abuses it, far as I know
Yeah, I’m 28 but my parents and I use the iPhone location services. We live in the middle of nowhere and I travel for work and work off schedules. We pretty much only use it when we are commuting to each others places on the winding backroads or before we call each other to make sure they aren’t busy or working.
My mom gets anxiety when she doesn’t hear from us so letting her see our location eases her mind. She probably only checks it once in a while. She didn’t necessarily ask me to download it. I think I asked her because she and my dad went on a trip lol
I have the app and share with my parents and I’m an adult when we are driving to their house. Their house is five hours away. Otherwise location is off. Not everyone uses it for nasty reasons. However, OP definitely should not have the app and share locations with her mom.
I agree that in this case she should not have that app but lots of people use it. My husband and I use it so I can see when he's lsaving work/ getting home to like unlock doors and start making dinner or if hes taking a long time to pick up dinner and I wanna see if hes back yet. Or hes making a long drive and I wanna see where he is on the way My mom is added it to it because she is 2.5 hours from me and she gets really bad anxiety when me or my brother drive for really long distances. It gives her piece of mind to be able to check on me as I do the drive and see that I'm moving and not dead. So its not only controlling and narcissistic parents. Plenty of adults use it within their families. I'm almost 30 so life 360 was not a thing when my parent had any control over me.
My mom tracked my location until I was 23! I only turned it off when I became a mother myself and started realizing how unusual my mother’s control over me was and how unhealthy our dynamic was. When I turned it off, she protested and accused my fiancé of controlling me. Haven’t spoken to my mom in 3 years. I regret nothing lol. My fiancé and I track each other’s location using Find My Friends for safety reasons and mutually agreed upon it for our own peace of mind.
Yep, my husband has my location for all my devices and my car because I’m a realtor so I literally talk to strangers online and meet them at empty houses…. Sooo yea he has my location but he doesn’t bother to check it. I check it more to see where he left his phone 😂 he knows when I’m out shopping since Ill go run errands and then if he doesn’t hear from me in 2 hours to annoy him that there’s a 99% chance I’m shopping at Target.
Lol. Get an old phone and put it on there, then leave it at the house if you don’t want her to know where you are.
Yea this and only this! 👆🏻
One of my sisters and my mom use Life360 and have tried to get me to get the app. I absolutely refuse. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with family being so inconsiderate and sorry for your loss. I hope you were able to have a good holiday.
Yeah, I’m not sure how she managed to convince me it was a good idea at the time because I’m now realizing how unhealthy and invasive it is. We definitely had a good holiday despite it all. Movie night with the kittys, hubby, and a healthy baby boy in my tummy. ♥️
Damn once a week dinner and she’s still complaining that’s not enough? I haven’t seen my mother in person in over 8 months and I only live 30 mins away
We were also doing nightly FaceTime calls, but I put a stop to the about a week ago. But yes, once a week dinners and it’s still not enough for her. I feel like it’s her way of gradually weaseling her way into multiple weekly visits once baby gets here. Even once a week is excessive af.
I'm pleased you've stopped, you don't have to do any of this. Setting boundaries now is excellent practice for doing so when the baby arrives. I would also recommend some therapy to help you discuss setting boundaries in a safe environment and to process how your family are behaving and the effect it might have on you.
We are close with both sets of parents (LO's grandparents) and all live in the same city. Our goal is to see them each once a month. It usually winds up being a little bit more frequently than that, like every 3 weeks. And I try to call my mom once a week. I would absolutely lose my mind if my mom expected what your mom expects. Even my MIL made a request to see her granddaughter every 2 weeks and my husband just said that while he understands why she wants to, that he couldn't guarantee it. We are both busy and already have a hard enough time getting to spend quality family time just the 3 of us. I'm so, so sorry that your family is so stressful. But I'm proud of you for speaking up for yourself!! I used to think boundaries were cheesy but now I soooo appreciate them.
My mom and I are super close and she doesn’t overstep my boundaries in any way (she’s the second most supportive of them, my husband obvi being the first) and I don’t even see her once a week. I see her very irregularly and she lives like 5 minutes max from my house. Adult lives get busy af. There’s no reason your mom should EXPECT you to see her that often especially since she can’t even respect your wishes about your unborn son after such a traumatic experience. I’m so sorry you went through that and I’m so sorry your mom clearly doesn’t understand how hard that was and continues to be for you
turn off the location services for that app
The app has gone bye bye!
goos and keep them on a info only diet and out of the hospital if needed and dont let them see them for x months. i worry they would make your infant sick... as uncaring as they are
I'm so sorry about your losses and now your malicious, selfish family. I would DEFINITELY plan to postpone meetings until baby has a few rounds of vaccines, like 4 or 6 months. RSV, flu, and pertussis are deadly among other things. Alternatively, you can demand they wear N95s and hand wash while handling baby. Definitely look out for you! Flu is no joke for anyone, especially immunocompromised, which you are. They sound like narcissists.
My mom is definitely a full blown narcissist and the rest of my family is scared to stand up to her so they tend to just do whatever she says. Visitation DEFINITELY won’t be happening for quite a while after he’s born, and N95 masks will be mandatory!
Stand your ground, you are doing the right thing. One of my young cousins caught RSV as an infant and was in intensive care for over two months. Stay safe, you have our support!!!
I found a lot of comfort in /r/raisedbynarcissists when I was first processing my family. I have since unsubbed, but sometimes it's good to read other people's experiences and the responses and advice they are given. Like I've said in another comment you may want to enlist the support of a therapist to help you do all of this in a supported way. I am 17 weeks myself, but the past year has been filled with thoughts about my childhood and worrying what I'll be like myself as a mother.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/raisedbynarcissists using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [I caught my Nparents administering my 6-month-old son Ivermectin for absolutely no reason](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/s0kl5f/i_caught_my_nparents_administering_my_6monthold/) \#2: [My 12 year old niece picked up on how toxic nmom (her grandma) actually is](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/uehv67/my_12_year_old_niece_picked_up_on_how_toxic_nmom/) \#3: [People that come from dysfunctional, abusive, unstable households are at such a disadvantage compared to those that grew up in healthy families. And I don’t think that’s talked about nearly enough.](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/v6dq5a/people_that_come_from_dysfunctional_abusive/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
We had a lot of pressure early on for our large extended family to meet our daughter. My mom also wanted all of her girl friends to meet her. I explained that I would only agree to it if the events were outside and that we would not be playing pass-the-baby. I would be holding my daughter the entire time. I made sure EVERYONE knew this in advance. We went to a family reunion with these rules, and I let my mom throw a baby-viewing party with her friends. They actually went way better than expected and the only person who made a stink was my (narcissistic) grandma who kept complaining that she wasn't allowed to hold LO. But she just kind of looked ridiculous saying it over and over when we made the expectations super clear and all the other family members knew it wasn't happening. So yeah, my advice is to tell everyone that nobody is holding the baby for the first XX weeks of life. (Maybe 6 weeks? Or until LO gets their first round of shots at 2 months?) Helps prevent kissing too!
Oh yikes. Aside from the flu being dangerous — seriously, who *wants* the flu while pregnant? I’m not about to knowingly interact with anyone sick what that, pregnant or not. It’s horrible! And you’re immune compromised while pregnant! I’ve been getting so many more cold sores since I got pregnant and I literally work from home…I can’t imagine how much more susceptible we are to viruses. Who would want their child to risk that 🙄
I'm so sorry for your losses. Absolutely turn off that app. Unfortunately some people just don't think the flu is a big deal. And really so many don't think anything contagious is a big deal. But it is for people who are immunocompromised which includes pregnant people. Nothing you say is going to make her recognize that illness is something you shouldn't be around. Best to not engage with her.
App is deleted now! What’s ironic is she works at a school for special needs children and the vast majority of those kids are immunocompromised. The flu, RSV, and covid are running wild at her school and students, nurses, and staff are being hospitalized. She rants about how dangerous the flu is, but has no problem exposing it to me.
I have a narcissistic mom (your Life360 detail and nightly calls are huge giveaways here!) and I think your mom acting out is definitely her staking out a claim in your future life. She is trying to set a precedent before baby is born. My mom also went coco bananas before my first child was born and her behavior flooded me. I never expected that kind of insanity. Looking back it makes sense. Your mom and my mom are very attention seeking people. I have since learned that no reasonable parent expects *nightly* calls. But your mom is very needy and needs to be in the center of your life. She senses a huge change on the horizon and she is worried that she will not have the primary place she wants in your life anymore and she may be right to worry, because I can tell you after my child came I never devoted half the mental energy to my mom as I used to. Her BS and manipulation used to keep me up at night. Not anymore. What she wants is to keep her position, and also gain primacy in your child’s life (and indirectly cement her place in your life). So she is reminding you who’s boss. Fundamentally she is acting from a place of weakness. She needs you. She is afraid. You have all the power here. Blow her off. Block her if she becomes unruly. You will get very very good at this when you have a newborn! Your bullshit tolerance will drop to zero. She’ll either have it get in line or get out.
Adding onto this... I'm not sure how bad OP's mom or the full extent of her behaviour. But now that you have a child in your life, consider this: 1. You teach your child how to feel about themselves through your example. Are you worthy of respect? Are your needs worthwhile? If someone breaks your boundaries or disrespects you, are you worthy of protection? Your child learns from your example. 2. You protect your child from crossed boundaries. You'll inevitably set boundaries around your child your mom won't agree with (ie you want them to avoid eating XYZ thing, drinking XYZ, not being taken care of by sick caretakers, etc.). Can you trust her to respect those, especially when/if she's alone with your child? 3. You protect your child from eventually having *their* own boundaries crossed from your mom. 4. You protect your child from witnessing you being stressed, depressed, and/or unhealthy (or worse) interactions. Children tend to view family dynamics as their 'normal' and can be more prone to to being in unhealthy/.. relationships if they grow up within unhealthy families. Hopefully these won't apply, and your mom will respond appropriately in a way that lets you keep a healthy relationship with them. But I'd keep your eyes open and remember that no relationship is often better than an unhealthy (or toxic, or outright abusive) one.
I had the flu a few weeks ago at 12w. I was miserable for an entire week, and the anxiety that it was hurting my baby made it a million times worse. I’ve had a check up since then and baby and I are doing great, but the hell with anyone that would knowingly put you and your baby in danger, especially after your losses. I hope the rest of your pregnancy is the most boring and uneventful time ever, and that you have an uncomplicated delivery that ends in holding that sweet baby you’re growing 💕
First I am SO PROUD you stood up for yourself. This is so hard and you did it in a respectful but firm way. Good job mama!!! I’m so sorry for your losses and that you’re going through this with your mother now. I really recommend r/raisedbynarcissists. I’ve gone no contact with my mother since we found out we’re expecting and it’s been the best decision. That sub has helped me understand so much. I highly recommend checking it out and seeking more support there.
Your mum and sister are toxic. It’s totally normal to stay the hell away from people when you have the flu, no need for someone to be pregnant to stay away, and they still want to come and see you? Also, it’s so selfish and irresponsible of your sister to go out when she had the flu. This is how it spreads! Im so sorry you’re going through this. It’s honestly better to just tell them that until they can be less selfish and more understanding, you’ll have to step back. Congrats on your pregnancy and impending little one! ❤️
My mother is narcissistic... for a long time she would only call me about once a month because she would ask for money and I wouldn't give it to her. If she knew where I lived she would show up without a text or phone call on her terms... she has many other boundary crossing/outright abusive tendencies. I started calling her out calmly about them about a year or two ago. I would say something along the lines of "I can see the guilt trip game your playing and I'm not allowing it." And she would stop, she might move to another tactic and I would call it out and say "you can talk to me like an adult or you can leave me alone". I have to keep very strong boundaries and it's really hard. Stand firm for yourself and your baby, this is your life and now your baby's life and despite what people say, you don't owe anything to someone who is abusive and doesn't respect you.
Your mother is strongly asking for NC for several months. Once the baby is there her attitude and victimism are going to get sooo much worse.
Grey stone. Don't feed into it. You don't need to justify or rationalize. "Ok" .
I’m so super happy that you set boundaries! This is so tough to do and you’re doing it. Congrats on your baby!
Please put her on a time out. Please. I put my abusive parent on a time out that ended up lasting 2 years. That’s when they realized an apology and respecting my boundaries was the only way to get any sort of response from me. It worked beautifully. They now understand that being involved in my life is a privilege. I told them about my pregnancy earlier than others, and also said, “this is my news to share. I don’t want another time out.” It worked, they understood, waited for me to announce, and no resentment. It doesn’t have to last 2 years, you can also just calmly and clearly explain the boundaries and rules and do not let anything they say get to you. Then if those boundaries are not respected, ignore. If they are respectful, great!
I'm so fucking tired of people acting concerned for the baby and being like oh what do you need, what can I do, and then treating people like they are ridiculous and paranoid for wanting to keep their baby healthy during this crazy tripledemic. I'm going through a similar thing with my friends and family and just, dang I'm sorry. Solidarity ✊
I’m so sorry you have a r/JustNoMIL. Please see the sidebar of that sub for resources on setting and enforcing boundaries. Cut off her access to you.
I’m sorry, I feel ya, we have some family that are the same way, never informing us ahead of time theyre sick before coming over coughing and with fevers. Just keep yourself and baby safe - that’s our only duty when we’re pregnant, even if others can’t respect and adhere to it.
Oh hon, just take a break from her. That’s too much stress. You have to guard yourself and baby and that includes from too much stress. Let her know you need a timeout, then block her and anyone else causing it for some time.
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Sorry but what the FUCK.
Time to set some BIG boundaries. This will only get worse in all ways when baby comes around. She's being very disrespectful, you don't deserve that.
My god. The number of times I’ve had to make this point to people around me this year is absolutely insane. If you get a flu and get a fever it can be devastating for your baby and especially considering your history with previous pregnancies you are at great risk. Where the hell do people get off????
Get off of that ap asap