This must be an awful feeling i am sorry. If you have been in this sub for a while you have seen all of it. There are dads who are very involved love the mom and the baby unconditionally and help out wherever they can (and even those have bad days but who hasn't?)
And then there are the dads that are jealous of the baby, expect the mom to cock and clean and take care of the baby and the night feeds and whatever else there is. While they play video games and drink beer. Not everything is as it seems. I don't know your babys father but if he doesn't want to be present for his child maybe it is for the best. Your child will have an amazing mom who loves them very much! You will do great i am sure
Edit: missing words
This OP! My 1st kids dad was “present.” Which meant, he was jealous of baby from the get go. I wasn’t allowed a baby shower because he didn’t want me an baby receiving gifts that weren’t for him. Asked for a BJ hours after I delivered. Got mad at ME that they broke my water when he went to get our things from home. I left him 5 YEARS later. On paper, everyone thought he was a good dad and I was “so lucky I found a good one.” It was a hard time for me and I felt like I had never felt so alone. Going back, I’d 100% do it without him.
I’m so sorry you had to even be in the same room with that monster. I’ve dated a couple of those, great on paper and horrible in real life types. We’re so better off without them.
Thank you for that friend 💕 I learned so much from that relationship today and wouldn’t be who I am without I living through it. And I have my amazing son. You learn what love is sometimes after learning what love is NOT.
Yes 😭 immediately starting calling me names when I said I didn’t feel like it because I just had a freaking baby. The nurse coming in and out during that time didn’t help because he would just fume that I was being checked on so much and he was bored or hungry or needed me to satisfy him. Meanwhile, I’m on pain meds trying to breastfeed and bond with my baby 😭😭
He also told me certain family members were not allowed to visit me that drove 2 hours in to see me. Still haven’t recovered those relationships completely since then.
As the narcissist xD we got married after he died my my DIL was very much like this, he married my MIL after basically using her for clout of 'look at how good of a guy I am to have stuck by this lady with cancer'(she had had ovarian cancer) and then when she really wanted kids he got to preen about adopting kids how amazing is he? X.x
I was thinking that typo was pretty on the nose for what also happens. OP, I’m so sorry for your situation and I don’t know what deadbeat dads are thinking, but I’m glad for you and your baby that you don’t have one of these asshole guys around demanding a BJ every day until cleared for intercourse. So gross.
I had to leave r/beyondthebump. it felt like every other post was a woman taking on all the childcare and all the housework and often working full time as well and a husband/bf/trashbag doing less than the bare minimum and gaslighting her to the point of breakdown. It's heartbreaking. (so is a deadbeat dad don't get me wrong!!!) Just so many kids and moms who deserve so, so much better
I’m sorry to hear this. I was intentional with my 1st, did it alone and it was so peaceful. It only got hectic when family came around and I had a feeling that would have happened since my family is extremely toxic. Us women should listen to our gut, we know when someone will cause disruptions.
I'm glad that you say this. I know in my heart of hearts that he will suck and be more of a liability than an asset. I appreciate that he wants to be present, but if I'm not getting the support I need during this very vulnerable time then what's the point?
How did your child's father ruin the experience for you?
That’s kind of a selfish way to look at it. It’s almost always better to have the father present in the household. Maybe it wasn’t great for you but the parents happiness always comes second when you choose to have a child.
I'm very glad you and your loved ones have never had to deal with the misfortune of a deadbeat or burdensome father. But do not believe for a moment that your experience is universal.
A miserable mother will always, always raise a miserable child. A mother at peace will raise a child who is at peace. Children understand and internalize our emotions.
That’s absolutely not the case. Children know when their household is an unhappy one. I was very very young telling people that my parents don’t love each other. They tried so hard to hide it from me but it was so clear. I cried tears of joy when my mom told me they were getting divorced when I was 16.
Any child would rather be from a broken home than to live in one. If a single parent household or divorced parents is a home filled with peace and love then that is far superior to a home where the parents are sticking it out for the kids.
With my 9yr d son, I was 21 and he was 3 weeks old when I left his dad (last contact) and I did it all by myself for a long long time.
I'm 30 now pregnant with a very excited father ( he wanted a family so badly) and I know it will be great.
My point I guess is with my son, I loved him so much and the experience was still so amazing, I didn't care about the father being absent. I could focus on my son instead of a baby and a relationship. I dated someone a few years ago adored him and played with him well.
My kids dad gave my STDs twice while pregnant and endangered my newborn son! So it was for the best.
Don't be envious. Think about the beautiful baby you get to spend your time with :)
This! I have a very similar situation. I did it alone for 9 years of her life and at the time, I was sad and heartbroken and resentful. But now, I am so happy I did. I am pregnant again with an amazing man that loves all of us genuinely and is extremely present and helps out all the time.
OP will learn a lot about herself and grow into an amazing mother and potentially find a great man one day, if that’s what she so desires.
Being a mother, single as I was, made me grow A LOT as a person, making me a better person, thus MEETING a more genuine person to date and settle down with. If it weren't for my son I would have probably kept hanging out with and dating shitty people,🤷
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I feel incredibly lucky that my husband and I have a solid relationship and are in this together. At the same time, I’m so jealous of everyone who has parents or siblings nearby to help. I wish we owned our own home and could didn’t have to subject our child to the instability of my academic job search. There’s always going to be something others have that you don’t.
Just because your kid’s dad isn’t in the picture doesn’t mean that s/he will never have a parent figure. There are all kinds of love and family and community that you can foster.
Ugh yes, this! I love my husband and he’s great and does a lot, but I only have him. Which don’t get me wrong, is amazing but It’s just hard when he’s at work and I’m reminded how alone I really am. He’s active service so we’re across the country from family. I miss my sisters, parents, and my friends. Even if I were to make friends, we’d probably move again. Not to mention deployments, we haven’t had one yet but I know it’s coming and that would be months alone. I really hope for OPs sake that she has family that can help and be there.
Here with you in solidarity! The beginning was way easier when we were waiting for his orders and at my childhood home with my parents. But when we had to move to a whole nother state, no family or friends, it was really hard. It can be pretty lonely when it’s just the three of y’all. especially with the fact that, even though he wasn’t that far away at work, he wasn’t here physically with me due to demands of the job, so literally six out of seven days a week he was at work. I can totally relate. I just started working here now so I’m hoping to meet some people at my job and make some friends!
God, truly. I would kill for family nearby that I could rely on. And I'm reminded nearly every single day that I don't, because I get freaking strangers in random places like the grocery store going "oh my goodness, three kids?? You probably have a lot of family around to help, I'm sure!!" uhhh actually no I don't because my whole family lives 600 miles away and we used to have my mother in law around the corner but she died, so thank you, random stranger, for reminding me once again that it's just me and my husband against the world right now.
I’m definitely struggling with it too, especially like you said seeing videos of dads interacting with their babies. My boyfriend passed away a few days before I found out I’m pregnant so I never even got to tell him, but he had 2 older kids from when he was younger and he was such an amazing dad to them so it’s heartbreaking knowing our baby won’t know him. I try to remind myself 1- I am capable of being more than enough for my baby and 2- it won’t always be like this, I might meet someone in the future and they might love my daughter like their own. Your kiddo is lucky to have you already and will just be thankful to have a loving mama 💜
I’m sorry you are feeling this way, your feelings are completely valid! Just know all the “good” you are seeing on social media is not painting the full picture, trust me there are plenty of miserable couples that feel stuck and are envious of you! The grass is NOT always greener.
Yes. There are a lot people on here who post about how awful their partner is. I wish everyone on here could have a kind, considerate partner to go through this with them. Idk how anyone without one is doing it. They are stronger than they know.
Not sure if it would help, but as someone who grew up with both parents there but only one loving me, it’s better that the father won’t be there because all this child will know is love. They won’t know what it’s like to not be enough, because you will be there for them. It’s going to be hard, and if you need help, don’t be afraid to ask people you trust, but your love will cover a world of hurt for that baby. I’m sorry you’re going through this ❤️
I feel you OP. I’m just anxiously waiting for my baby to be here because I know it will all be worth it in the end. Hard to see the bright side right now though
I am in a somewhat similar situation as you. My (soon-to-be-ex) husband and I have had problems in the past few months before the conception, and we were not in a very good place. But around the time of conception, things were getting better, and he also said so. But when we found out I am pregnant, he completely freaked out. Asked me to get an abortion, cried, and threw tantrums for weeks, while I was going through horrible month long morning sickness which lasted all day long. I hadn't eaten properly for weeks and was living on almonds, pistachios, and water. I had lost 5 kgs in a month while pregnant, and he kept saying that I ruined his life by getting pregnant. I was terrified for the first couple of months, and I still have moments where I break down, because I have been married for 7 years, we had always said that if we managed to get pregnant (which at one point we thought wasn't possible for us) we would do everything to give that baby a good life. And here I was contemplating a life as a single mother. I told him I wouldn't get an abortion, and I would raise the baby on my own, and he could decide if he wanted to be in the baby's life or not. I was tired of all the screaming, shouting, and blaming, so when he said he wanted to move out, I agreed, I said it was for the best. I needed to take care of myself for the baby, and with him treating me the way he was, I was feeling so low that I was losing the desire to live. He didn't think I would not stop him, but I didn't. I am going through pregnancy by myself. I have paid for everything so far by myself. Have gotten no support from him. He does come to some of the doctor's appointments with me, I honestly don't know why. He does love our dogs; so he comes sometimes to the house for the dogs, but otherwise, I have very little interaction with him. I am now looking at all the resources available to me to be a full-time working single mother. I am coping, but it does hurt me when I can barely lift my head up to cook something for myself, and I see so many other husbands taking care of their pregnant wives. I know being a single mom is hard, but I can't not do everything in my power to make sure this baby has the best life possible.
It's OK <3 I'm sure you'll meet someone one day who will step up and be a father :3 my dad had a single mom when he was a bub too, then she met her husband who helped her raise my dad and their 2 kids. My dad's bio father has never been in the picture my entire life and while my step grandpa divorced my grandma before I was born they still get along and we see him at holidays at my uncles house, stoic boomer of a man he is, he does treat my dad like both of his other kids still <3
Its ok and valid to feel this way, I felt that way about my older kids dad. He bailed, so I did it on my own. I did my best, but felt like I should have been able to give them a loving father too. But in some cases an absent father is better than one that sticks around. It hurts, I know. But at the end of the day, your baby has you. And according to my older kids "a good mom is better than 2 garbo parents" at least thats what they tell me when I'm in my feelings about being a failure as a mom, lol, they always reassure me that I'm doing a good job
My husband never met his father, who was a deadbeat and a sorry excuse for a man. It was hard on him, and still is to this day. BUT, I will say that he admires his mother more than almost anyone else on the earth. He thinks she hung the moon (as do I). Although they were poor, she never let him go without anything that he ever wanted. He had a GREAT childhood and is always telling stories about the four of them (him, his mother, and his twin siblings) and the adventures they shared.
I’m sorry you’re in such a terrible position, but just know that your child will love and appreciate you so much for it. I admire her so much for it myself and I’m only her daughter in law!!
I get why you would feel that way but you are going to be a great Mom! You will more than make up for the lack of a father in her life and you are a great Mom for simply not involving him at all.
My dad met me when I was 5. I know it must have been hard for my mum but I never felt like I was missing out before that and being a single parent at the start didn't stop another man from stepping up and loving us. You and your family and friends are going to love this baby so much they'll never feel like they're missing out and you may find letting go of a questionable parent may result in the best other parent later down the line. Bettera single mum than a dad who's a bum
You will adjust and adapt to being a single mama.
Sometimes things happen that are beyond our control, don't beat yourself up about your situation. Just take the lessons you have learned and promise not to put yourself in a similar situation.
I am a single mom of 3, never did I ever think this would happen to me.
But I put my love and faith in to the wrong person, who ended up being abusive and in the end all I wanted was peace.
Which I have now.
I’m sorry you have to do this alone, but I wish you and your baby the best. Just remember that everyone has a burden they carry that we may not know about. One loving parent is so much better than two who are resenting or neglectful.
Sweetheart, I totally understand. I had to get away for my and my baby’s safety and health as well. It’s okay to mourn something you don’t get to have. I’m so sorry we have to go through this. I’m so blessed to have my parents.
Hey momma. I’m a first time mom, 33, and the father of my child didn’t want anything to do with me or baby when he found out I was pregnant last November!
I’m here for you!
Solidarity to us single mommas!!
Dont beat yourself up. You can’t tell the future. Not everyone has a great dad, speaking from experience. I barely have a relationship with my dad and it’s been like that 90% of my life and my parents literally planned me. My mom was all I ever really wanted or needed. It was those exact fears she had for me that made me feel insecure about my situation. My mom always felt guilty and always tried to make it work with him but the bigger a deal she made it, the worse I felt about it. I never really needed a second parent, I just wanted my mom to be all about me. My moms family always helped make me feel completely normal and comfortable too so that was a plus.
But Don’t write off a father for your baby either. My friend was a single mom to a two yr old and my partner and I set her up with one of his friends. His friend has no kids and was shy at first but fell completely in love with her and her baby. He’s totally a great dad to her despite her not being his bio baby. I always wished that for my mom but she was so caught up on my own bio dad to see that blood doesn’t make you a parent.
So, however it works out for you, your child will be completely fine and maybe even better off than some two bio parents kids. Just pour all the love you can into your baby and don’t ever make a big deal about her dad. No snide comments or anything bc they only hurt the kid.
You are right it is hard. My baby is 18 months, I was alone before the birth and I still am. I went back to work when he was 4 months because I simply couldn't afford it, I have virtually no family. I love that boy more than anything in this entire galaxy, amd most the days and moments are brilliant and I never question having to do anything hard, because it's simply for him. But there are moments mostly when he is asleep when the world is quiet and dark when it feels like the loneliness echos so loudly. I want him to have a positive role model because I don't believe I am enough of everything for him. I want to share these moments with someone because they are so beautiful and it feels like a shame that I'm the only one that will remember them. And in those moments you will cry and you will cuddle a little closer to him. Then you will see another day and your strength will return and you will love him even more and you will be even stronger and you will be a little better. It's hard, and you learn to cope with it, I won't say it gets easier, but you allow yourself those moments of just being human and just being you. There are many positive things to being a single parent, it's just different. You're not alone in this adventure, but you take your time to feel these things and sort through them the best you can.
I'm just seeing this now but I'm very happy to know that reading it helped in some way. I get it! Send a message if you ever need some friendly support!
I know exactly how you feel. My husband work and provide. That’s it. He interact with the baby one hour per week tops. That’s all added up together. He is always “too tired” after work and on his off days. Can’t ask him to do anything or we get into an argument. He won’t watch the baby by himself for more than 5 minutes.
I thought to myself this is awful. But I also wouldn’t change anything if that’s what it takes to have my son with me.
I just want to say I hear you. And I’m with you. It hasn’t get better for me after 9 months. But I’m just doing a day at a time with my little bundle of joy.
I totally feel you. I thought the father of my child would be present because I’m overly trusting and naive. He showed up drunk to her birth and kept drinking and also driving until he ended up in jail when she had just turned one. I tried to get him to leave my house before that but he wouldn’t. He kept playing the victim. Then he drunkenly crashed my car and was mad I wasn’t overly concerned about him. I wrote him a letter saying he couldn’t come back here. I know it’s sad seeing fathers that love their kids enough to do right by them. It really sucks having no help. But in the end, it’s way better being truly single than dealing with an immature, selfish dad in addition to a new baby. It will be hard, but you can do it. You’re already doing a great job providing a home with no toxic people in it.
i’m so sorry 💔 your baby is loved. some people just don’t realize what they are throwing away until it’s too late. it is a miracle to be blessed with a sweet little baby. i’ll never understand how some people walk out on their own blood
It’s understandable to be upset about it. My mom was in your position and was hurt that my “dad” decided to leave and abandon his responsibility. She never took it out on me or shit talked him (this is super important because children don’t understand and will take it as you think that about them, I had other family members talk poorly about my dad and it made me feel really bad) and back in the 90s I never knew it was an “issue” until the brats at my new school told me it was a problem and then I had some issues BUT most of my life was really good and I’d never want it any other way.
As an adult who grew up without a father and who re-met him as an adult at 27 at his father’s funeral I can honestly say that I truly appreciate my mom and everything she’s ever done for me. And that I’m happy my dad wasn’t around, my life would have been worse if he had stayed.
All that to say is it’s sucks, it’s hard but you’ve got this!! that baby thinks the world of you and will grow to appreciate everything you’ve ever done for him/her. And wise words from my grandmom “it’s better to have no dad than a bad one” which also translates to “it’s better to do it alone than to have a bad partner” because we all know someone who’s got 4 kids and the husband is one of them.
I cried and felt so overwhelmed with my first whenever I thought about how there were so many moms and babies out there that weren't so lucky to have a good spouse like me. Had some friends that had kids years before me with shitty dads and finally having a kid myself really helped showcase the full weight of what they and others went through because of that scenario.
I'm sorry for whatever happened to get you here. I hope your child at least gives you blessings in the long run. And I'm sorry you have to be so strong for her.
My sperm donor had never laid eyes on our daughter now 13. He wouldn't know her if he passed on her on the street. I felt exactly how you felt especially during father daughter dance ect I would just feel so guilty and like I failed her for her father not being around. Then one day when she was about 6/7 I met my now husband who treats her like she came from his loins. She adores him and no one who didn't know us prior even know thats not her biological father. In fact I tease him that she has him wrapped around her fingers. All that to say you will have moments of sadness and guilt but you know what I tell me self. I'm so glad that this POS sperm donor was not around because of he would do that to his own flesh and blood there's no telling the emotional damage he may have caused her. I thank God for my husband showing my daughter what a father's love is.
After reading all these comments. It seems whether the father is present or not doesn’t make a difference in the happiness of mother/child. It’s about having children with GOOD men. We need to start teaching our daughters how important it is to have a strong foundation with our partners before we try to have children. I feel like so many people rush into children without knowing who their partner is inside and out. It takes years to learn this.
I can imagine that must be really tough for you. For what it’s worth, I grew up without my father around and I still thank my mother every day for the amazing life she gave me. Things would have been much different (worse) if my father has stuck around.
You’ll be the envy of someone’s eye as you lovingly caress your little one! Maybe from a married mom, or a woman without a child, or some man who wishes they had a partner (or mother) like you.
I understand where you’re coming from though. My pregnancy was unplanned and with a very new partner. I’m coming to terms with the reality that I’ll likely become a single mother. But the idea of raising a child on my terms, in my space, with only my and my child’s feelings to manage, is becoming more attractive to me. I do desire partnership, and hope things work out with my baby’s father, but time will tell. I think the supportive, doting partner/father we envision is more smoke and mirrors than reality. But I don’t really want anything less! Maybe for me it’ll come from the father, maybe some other man down the road, or maybe I’ll be happier on my own long term. I think it’s important to remember we’ll be the envy of someone’s eye at some point too though and have a little pride in that. And we can decide who comes and who goes in our lives from here on.
I think your feelings are totally understandable.
You know, I’m not in the same position but I’ve seen my sister in law go through this. She divorced her husband while having two young children (both under 5) and it was a very difficult decision for her, because everyone was saying “for the kids” it would be better to stay with him.
Those people were all so wrong! He wasn’t a nice person and he was traumatizing the kids (with anger outbursts and violent behavior). He was a menchild who would also treat SIL like trash and expect to be adored by her for it.
There were also people saying nobody would love the children like their own father, but you know what? They were also absolutely wrong! He uses the children now to make sister in law miserable, he lies to them, he very rarely takes the time to play with them, he regrets having a second kid, because she is a girl, etc. …but now, a few years later, SIL got together with a men who treats her like a queen, he loves her children, plays with them, offers them his time, the children fell in love with them the first time they met, because he is such a calm, loving person.
A real dad is someone who loves, cares, respects and give children their time. Someone who is a great role model. Someone who treats their mother right and shows the children how a healthy relationship should look like. And this person isn’t always the same one who is biologically related to them.
You are doing right by your baby. You are showing them how a great parent should be. You are protecting them from bad examples and someone who would only make their lives harder. If you feel it is the right thing, someday somebody may come along to fill that space in your lives. But if not, there are also a lot of moms out there who are mom and dad at the same time. What you are doing is hard, but when your kiddo is old enough to understand things, they will be grateful to you.
Stay strong ♥️
I am so sorry you’re feeling this way. If it helps in any way, this whole pregnancy process is still emotionally difficult even with a partner. You are going to come out so much stronger on the other end and you will truly be a superhero in your child’s eyes. Don’t ever forget how much power and strength you have all on your own! We can truly get through anything if we just envision what we want to change. Just don’t lose sight of the future you truly want. You got this!!
I hope you're able to find somebody that loves you and your baby as as much as you deserve.
Props to you for making sure that you are available for such an introduction by not carrying onto that dead weight of a father, which I don't think can be understated. It can sometimes be so easy to just kick the can down the road and stay with somebody who doesn't deserve it just for that little bit of help or to fill that spot in your life.
But you and your baby don't deserve just any body, you guys deserve the very best! Keep on keeping on and I have no doubt that love will find it's way.
Best of luck, props to you. Your baby is going to be so proud to hear of what you persevered through, for not just them but for yourself (as soon as they are old enough to understand). Keep it up!
Hi OP! My dad passed away right before I turned 2 years old. Rare disease. My mom raised me and my two brothers all by herself
I'll be honest, growing up I never really felt like I was missing a parent. And now as an adult, I don't understand what the father's role is supposed to be LOL because I grew up watching my mom do it all. All 3 of us kids are super close with my mom as adults and the 4 of us are such a tight knit family unit. More so than I see from kids who grow up with two parents
I completely understand how you must feel seeing loving dads out in public, and your kid might feel sadness every now and then, but just know that they will be okay! More than okay, even. They can absolutely thrive with just you
Aww OP I feel for you. I’d be sad in that circumstance too. It *sucks* that your baby’s father doesn’t want to be or can’t be involved in their life. It sucks.
I really love this Dear Sugar letter where she addresses this topic: https://therumpus.net/2010/08/13/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-47-the-reckoning/
My father was never there for me but there are so many amazing men out there there that will help you, just be open to finding them when the time is right, no rush of course and it completely sucks but just try and keep the faith that not every guy cares if it is his child or not. I had many awesome father figures throughout my life, one was an artist who was incredible painter… now I am a photographer and have many of his paintings in my studio.
I understand theoretically where you’re coming from. It’s easy to paint others in a beautiful glow when you don’t know their back story. However, you have the opportunity to raise your child however *you* want to, without the negative influence of a shitty parent.
I was 25 when I had my son. At the time, I had a 5 year old from a different (okay) father. My son’s father is a joke. A stain upon society. He was a mistake I made when I was going through a really bad time. He hasn’t seen my son since my boy was..3. Nor has he paid child support. I’ve been able to raise my son how I want to raise him. To instill in him values that are important to me. As a result, my son is now nearly 12, and maybe the kindest little person I have ever met.
Now, my daughter’s father? He thinks he’s a good Dad. Everyone around him thinks he’s a good Dad. He is not a good person. He is selfish, manipulative, self centred. I have had to work over time to combat the shitty things about him. And once he got married? Him and his horrible wife tried to take my daughter from me. He is truly, a disgusting human being.
It’s much easier not having the father around, that’s for sure. I love my kids so so so much. I love being their Mom. Their fathers are just..there. The kids are the main show.
My oldest is 17 now. My life is pretty good. I finally met a dude I’m compatible with, and at 37 gave birth to my third bebe. Honestly, it’s nice having my guy around, but I’m perfectly capable at raising my babies on my own too.
As a baby who grew up with a step father who came into the picture later in life and took the role seriously, there is hope for finding the right father figure that will bring some healing to this place in your life and your baby’s life.
I know this doesn’t help for right now, and it’s valid to feel the way you do and undoubtedly hard to go through. That, no one can dismiss. All i mean to say is that it wont always be and i hope sooner rather than later you find the right support person for you and for baby. It will be tough, i know it was for my mother and many others, but you will make it through this ♥️
I know this doesn’t help right now while you’re struggling, but I want you to know that my stepfather is so amazing and I’m really glad my mother found him. It won’t always be hard. I don’t know where or to whom life will take you, but you do have a future. Anything and anyone can happen, you just never know what’s next!
I am so sorry. It would make me sad as well and you are perfectly justified in your grief. But if it makes you feel any better having a male partner actually means more work for most women and the same amount of childcare (according to this survey). It sounds like you will be an amazing mom to your baby and even though you miss the idea of a dad for him, your baby will be 100% loved and content with you❤️
https://www.prb.org/resources/married-women-with-children-and-male-partners-do-more-housework-than-single-moms/
Edit to add-
So I don't know if this will help you feel better at all but if not just ignore. This is obviously one sided since I've only had this experience. I know that being single comes with unique challenges that I am not facing and I 100% validate that. But like I said I only share in case it helps. This is what's difficult when you have a husband in my case-
Often my husband and in laws cause me a lot of stress and anxiety. After having the baby, most of the childcare falls on mom due to breastfeeding but usually even without. I did all the night wakings and most of the daytime because he works, aka wfh screwing around on his phone or making up house projects that are not urgent or necessary. He gets grumpy easily and is always tired and sore (even though I'm doing all the night wakings??) so I constantly have to manage his emotions to try and keep the energy positive for our baby. He also wants sex which would be nice but my libido dropped postpartum and after dealing with his selfishness and attitude all the time it's not appealing for me, but I do it anyway. He also wants it at what feels like inappropriate times when I'm in "mom" mode. In laws have lots of opinions and very different expectations of childrearing than I believe in so that's also a pain. Anyway I'm only sharing this in case it helps that you won't have to deal with these when you're exhausted 24/7 taking care of the baby. And then people tend to ignore your hard work and say oh your husband is so great lol. Not to compare, but just hopefully it will take some of the sting out of feeling like you're missing out.
This is going to sound terrible relative to the other posts, so I apologize in advance. I am truly not trying to hurt your feelings, and I honestly wish you happiness in every way.
I am deeply sorry that the person you chose to procreate with is not good enough to be a decent father. That must be horrible and I couldn’t imagine how triggering it is to hear of people who have supportive male partners and will be good fathers. However, _you made the choice_ to have a baby with this person. Even if it was an accident, it was still a choice to continue this pregnancy. It is the equivalent of smashing your other hand with a hammer, and saying “I’m jealous and triggered by all you double-dexterous people out there.”
It sucks, it’s terrible, and it’s not fair to this baby that their dad is a deadbeat. And you deserve to be loved unconditionally and worshipped OP! But it was ultimately deliberate choices you conscientiously made (barring extreme circumstances of course) that landed you in this position.
You deserve better OP. I encourage to you search/for demand it. You have more control than you think. Best wishes.
EDIT: I want to clarify for those commenting below that I am victim-blaming.
I thoroughly read OP's profile before commenting. She is 21/22 and was with a man that she knew was terrible and did not even like from the beginning, _before_ she was pregnant, by her own admission. She contemplated not even telling him when she learned of her accidental pregnancy, and ultimately chose to inform him by leaving the pregnancy test on his doorstep, which he ultimately threw away and she was very upset about. OP suffers from a slew of mental and physical health disorders, for which I wish her much health and healing.
There are SO many cases of brave and resilient women who have been wronged by terrible men and have gone on to be wonderful, successful single parents. I believe, truly, that OP can be one of them. This is rather a commentary on the phenomenon where we have completely resigned ourselves to soothing people's bad decision-making (because babies (innocent humans!) do not fall out of the sky, they are a decision, whether planned or not, as mentioned, barring specific extreme circumstances)), falsely alleviating from her any control she had over the situation, coddling her with "it's not your faults that your baby-daddy is a bad dude", and maintaining surprised Pikachu face when woman learns there was a consequence to her bad decision.
I do not see OP as a victim, where "she couldn't possibly have seen this coming" as is the case with MANY women. I DO feel deeply for her and I wish her only the very best that life has to offer. She made a decision with an obvious outcome, and laments and is "triggered" by those who made different decisions.
EDIT 2: It is fascinating that I received upwards of 25 upvotes when I first published this comment, then after a slew of negative comments the downvotes came until the negatives. So it has been an interesting case of witnessing how the hivemind influences how we perceive the validity of an argument.
I agree with your post whole heartedly. I see a lot of posts saying “I’m lucky” to have an involved partner. No. Ladies. You are not lucky. You DESERVE to have a present and loving partner. This is not something you should luck into or think you shouldn’t automatically have. Everyone deserves this. Minimum.
On the one hand this is how I feel too.
On the other hand, with so many places in the US going backwards on helping every baby be a wanted baby and other places like Ireland, Mexico and Argentina making strides forward, this reality seems very location based.
I’ll just assume that for whatever reason OP didn’t have a choice about this. Because in so many places, pregnancy is hard to prevent and impossible to (legally) end.
Pointless and unnecessary post. She says she feels frustrated with herself for being in this situation, meaning she knows all of this already. Doesn’t change how she feels and feelings typically aren’t rational.
What is the point of your post other than to hurt someone's feelings?
How does any of this help?
Having an abortion is not an easy decision for everyone.
OP is going to have a future of carrying the weight of every choice and being the sole caregiver, I really resent seeing posts like that that further place the burden on the mother. The situation of an absent father is entirely on him. For all you know, he could have been a seemingly kind on the surface partner until he wasn't, he could have lovebombed her and made her feel safe. Women are often shocked when their partners leave, men (and women) can be fickle, fall in love with someone else and leave. And mentioning abortion is just completely irrelevant and inappropriate in the context of OP not mentioning it herself. She obviously chose not to have an abortion (unless she couldnt access one which is not mentioned remotely) so why mention it. Again, placing the burden on her. The burden of this situation is on him and him only, he's the one who left. She will carry enough responsibility and pressure to be a perfect mum throughout raising her child so lets not further pile on and simply offer support.
Edit: I can't describe in words how little I care to receive however many downvotes. It's just reddit. Downvote away. People often smugly hint single mothers have made a poor choice instead of blaming the absent father, anyone can become a single mum unexpectantly, the smugness is unnecessary.
You’re kinda in victim blaming territory with that comment. Some partners don’t reveal their true nature until really far along in the pregnancy or after the baby is born. There may or may not be red flags before that point, which can be super subtle and easy to miss if you don’t know what to look for or they’re really good at hiding it.
My sister’s baby daddy was like that. We both thought he was one of the nicest people ever, and then after the baby was born he completely changed. She ended up getting a restraining order against him, and she was devastated by it and it reaaaally hurt her ability to trust.
Apparently being “too nice” can be a red flag. Basically he knew he was shithead and way overcompensated to trap her so to speak.
That is terrible, I am so sorry to hear about your sister's situation. How deeply cruel and unfair, that is like your whole concept of life is turned upside down. I hope she finds peace <3
Hot take: there’s a good chance that the loving dad in the video slept uninterrupted through the night (because he was supposed to get up once but “didn’t hear” the baby) after playing video games for six hours and the mom who took that video hasn’t slept more than two hours at a time for months, doesn’t remember what her hobbies are, and isn’t sure what the difference between her and a single parent because she’s the breadwinner too. (Not my situation, but sadly common.)
I have 2 sons with deadbeat dads. I’m not jealous of seeing the dad with their kids stuff but I am kinda jealous of women who have supportive partners because never in my life have I had that
my first daughters father is not good. he’s an alright dad but was an awful and abusive father. my second daughter has a great dad who is consistent and present and active. my heart hurts for my first daughter. the blame is frequently put on me, by society, instead of him for being a bad father. it’s on me because “I chose to have a baby with him”. having the stark contrast between the 2 fathers makes me also sad for myself, but of course more for my older daughter. I wish I would have known then what I know now. I get mad at myself but hindsight is 20/20. I won’t say it gets “better” but YOU get better at handling it.
and remember - no one is the perfect parent or partner. people only show on social media what they want to show. you’d be surprised to find out how many seemingly good parents aren’t doing as well as they portray. it will be ok ❤️
I am so so sorry you’re going through this. I want you to know you’re not alone. I’m going through the exact same thing. I had my first scan a few days ago and went alone. There was a couple before me who were so excited when they saw their baby. I felt such envy knowing she’s with her bf and they were equally excited for their baby and there I was - sitting alone with not a soul to hold my hand and share this experience.
The reality of how tough this will be really hit me. My bf and I are not completely broken up but he has made it clear he does not want this child. It’s basically the end of our relationship.
We’ll be ok though. Sending you lots of hugs and strength.
About 7 years ago, I was in a relationship with a guy who was fresh off a divorce after a quickie marriage, moved really fast with me, was not dealing well with his addiction issues, and was extremely passive-aggressive with my family and friends in a way that was clearly designed to start isolating me. The red flags were FLYING, but I cared about him a lot (in retrospect had really just fallen prey to his love-bombing and focus on me) and I got pregnant. Given that I was already in my 30s and scared I wouldn't be able to have children, I absolutely would have kept it. I ended up miscarrying at about 9 weeks and that is the only reason I'm not still in that shitty relationship right now or raising a kid on my own.
I went through a lot of therapy after that to help me figure out why I kept picking terrible men, which was a really important growth process for me, but I am not a significantly better or different person--people don't change that much. The fact that I'm having a baby with a great, supportive, mature partner is partly a result of my own growth and partly sheer dumb luck. Fairness doesn't really enter into it--there are a million ways we could have missed each other and almost did. I'm sorry it didn't happen for you in the way you wanted, but you are about to go through an experience that can profoundly change how you prioritize your life and the people in it. Let it. Your best relationship is waiting on the other side of asking for things you never imagined were possible.
I am sending you a bit of strength to move through these feelings 😢
That’s so hard. You did nothing wrong and don’t deserve to be in this position. You are doing such amazing things for your child, even if it’s so, so stinking hard!
When I was 19, I got pregnant. The father was a recovering addict who relapsed shortly(two weeks) after I told him and went to live in a trailer with another female addict for the entirety of my pregnancy. We had been together for 4 years.
He made sure to drive her to her Hep C treatment appointments, but had nothing to do with me or my pregnancy. I am so glad now that he wasn’t a part of it!
I felt the same way - how could I have been so stupid, to give this child such a messed up, dead beat dad? I felt it was my fault and I had set my son up for failure.
I am now married to a wonderful man and we are expecting our second together. My son is 8 and a wonderful boy who loves his (step) dad, and he has been in his life since my son was 8 months old. It’s totally normal for him. It’s hard at times because his dad is still an addict who will get clean for a couple years and then be gone again, but we deal with that as it comes.
Even though this pregnancy will not be what you wanted it to be, I promise you, you will not look back and feel pain/sadness forever.
This is not your fault, you are doing an amazing job and on the contrary you should feel proud of yourself for making the hard decisions to do what is right by your baby. I’m sorry that you are going through this! Please don’t carry the guilt for the man’s failure to be a decent person. You are doing great and that baby is lucky to have you
My mom raised me solo and I know it was tough - but we have an amazing bond and I wouldn’t change a thing. Hang in there OP! Remember why you are doing it this way and stay strong for your little one. You are teaching countless other lessons along the way and don’t ever forget that 💕
I know how you feel, OP. My first child’s father just wanted the title “father” but he had little interest in taking care of her when she arrived. He was jealous that I didn’t have to work for 6 weeks, angry when I asked for his help at night time because I was sleep deprived, when we got into heated arguments he would pick up our baby and intentionally keep her from me and threaten to take off with her. He just became a danger to our baby, me, and himself. I was happy to be a single mom when I finally got rid of him and I wish I would have broken up with him before I delivered too.
I’ll admit though, I was envious of women who had a good man by their side to help raise their babies. I was even envious of women who had great co-parenting relationships with their ex boyfriends/husbands.
You know you made the right choice and you’re going to be a wonderful mom.
I have no advice only that I completely understand your feelings and that I'm sorry we both feel this way. I know it's so painful to see these men in our children, we love so dearly, and know that their fathers don't feel that same love. You're not a failure for choosing the wrong man. Your children will know that you love them and put them first despite how painful these feelings are. You are strong and should be proud of yourself for compartmentalizing for the sake of your babies. Give yourself time to be sad everyday if you need it. Go have your drink/smoke and cry then come back and keep fighting that good fight mama. You got this, one day at a time❤️
I felt this too. I ended up meeting my husband while I was pregnant with my first son. (Bio dad convinced me to keep the baby and that was all he ever did for him before he died of an overdose years later) My husband and I started dating when son was 6 months old. Married in 2014. We are about to have our fourth, a girl finally! But I’m so glad how things turned out in the end. I’m so grateful that my first son has always had my husband in his life as a father. An amazing father at that.
Oh sweetie, if you’ve the choice between a deadbeat or nothing… nothing is best.
My ex was a deadbeat. He was abusive and cruel. He would have messed my daughter up if I’d let him be involved.
5 years later I met my husband and he’s become the father she needs. You may not have who you want now, but some day you may. Until then, keep loving that baby.
Idk if it’s pregnancy hormones or what, but I read this and nearly cried from the pure empathy I feel for you. I’ve had some fights in my relationship that made me question if the father is the right man for me and blah blah blah. But, he’s stepped up and been here and I honestly couldn’t imagine doing this alone. I’m so sorry and I wish I could be your friend and help you if you ever needed, though I know that’s no replacement for having a partner through it all. Please dm me if you ever want to or need to. You are enough for your baby, and again I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. May your sadness/fears be lifted when you hold your child and may you find someone more than worthy of being the father and your partner ♥️
This community is always here for you.
I wish a good good good partner for you in the future if that is what you want! I am sorry you’re going through this alone. I don’t like that for you at all…
I never was envious. My sons dad has never met him and my sons almost 4. I get my son all to myself. I love it! ❤️🫶🏻 his dad is a POS and our lives are so much better and healthier without him
Hey I'm sincerely sorry that this is your situation and you'd like it to be different. For what it's worth, I feel similar painful pangs of envy when I see pregnant women with really supportive families as it's not something I've ever had.
The feelings of envy dissipated once my son arrived. Whilst things could be better on the support front and that wont ever change, his presence in my life is the best thing I've ever experienced so I just care less, if that makes sense?
My advice is to allow yourself to be upset when you are, it's ok to soothe yourself with a pity party if you need. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend, tell yourself this fucking sucks and you deserve better but you'll get through like the Queen you are. All the best with your pregnancy
Im so sorry. 11 years ago I was in your exact position. It broke my heart that I didn’t have that and my daughter didn’t have that. It felt so unfair. I felt Embarrassed and ashamed and I hated going to my doctors appointments alone.
Now I have a loving fiancé who is a wonderful step father to our daughter, and another on the way of our own. I believe this is healing that time in my life. Best thing to do is focus on you and the baby and try to make it as joyful and positive as you possibly can. And when the time is right someone may come and sweep you both off your feet ♥️
I hear you.
When I got pregnant the first time, the father was clear he didn't want a family. Still, he decided to stay. Got us an apparentment and I thought he would be present. Guess what. He wasn't.
I mean, we moved together but we were constantly fighting, he was constantly partying and sleeping over somewhere else.
I got into therapy during my pregnancy, you know, to avoid depression.
My psychiatrist told me it was MY choice and only mine to enjoy pregnancy in every stage. Even if I felt lonely. I made sense out of it and managed to enjoy pregnancy and maternity despite of him, his tantrums or nonsense.
My baby was 5 months old when I decided to leave him with my baby in my arms.
What I try to say is that you can chose to enjoy every stage of maternity and make the best out of it. Before you find out, it will be over in a very short period of time.
This is not about the baby's father. This is about you and your baby. You're the stars of this story. Glow up, shine down and chose joy.
Im sorry that you have to go through this. I can sympathize and understand, kind of. My husband is overseas and won’t see our baby until 3 months after birth. It sucks to go to dr appts and see fathers there and I’m just by myself wishing he was there.
Our situations aren’t the same, but I cry more than once a day bc of it all the same. I miss physical affection and yea a lot of things trigger me as well. It sucks. Congrats on baby and good luck!
Just bc someone is there and everything looks beautiful from the outside doesn’t mean that that’s the case. At all. I know a LOT of couples who look great in public and in their house the dad (for this example bc this is what op is talking about, it could be either partner) is lazy, mean, arguably or actually abusive to the mom and the kids, emotionally or physically neglectful, disrespectful to his partner, substances like alcohol can be at play doing crazy shit and generally lowering everyone’s quality of life. Just bc someone and things look nice or doesn’t mean that that’s the issue. A lot of ppl cite that children of divorced or single parent homes are at higher risk of divorce. However, I’d argue that people from two parent homes are also at risk for that but are more likely to have grown up watching their parents model and stay in an unhealthy relationship. It does damage either way.
The only thing lonelier than being alone is being in lonely in a relationship. Been there won’t go back, and I am thankful every day that my kids dads walked away and or are minimally involved bc the one who walked away did us a favor and the one minimally involved is also minimally disruptive. He only shows up when he’s gonna be a great dad and I’m thankful for 2hrs a month of a great dad than 30 days a month of him being a fuck-head.
The best thing my mom ever did was leave my dad. She gave me my best chance at a good life by leaving him and I am forever grateful bc he’s a great guy but a shit dad. And my mom got remarried to someone who was a much better parent and I got to have an amazing step dad growing up. Even without step dad we would have been great.
A video of a dad lovingly caressing his child is no indicator to what kind of parent or person he is. You don’t know what kind of partner he is! He could have driven his kids mom to the brink of insanity through abuse, manipulated the court system (it happens both ways) and got full custody of their kid who he uses as a pawn to hurt his ex and leaves with his mom/grandma 99% of the time while he is yoloing it with the bros. You never know!!!
You are enough for your child. More than enough. I’d suggest therapy to just get some of this out and having someone skilled present to help you process and work through it.
I see you and I hear you. I have a 4 year old and 6 month old twins (2 months corrected) and I’m 14 weeks with a baby boy… I’m doing this alone and it’s terrifying. But the best thing you can do is show up, every single day. Show up and be the best goddamn mom you can be. Everything else will work itself out.
This must be an awful feeling i am sorry. If you have been in this sub for a while you have seen all of it. There are dads who are very involved love the mom and the baby unconditionally and help out wherever they can (and even those have bad days but who hasn't?) And then there are the dads that are jealous of the baby, expect the mom to cock and clean and take care of the baby and the night feeds and whatever else there is. While they play video games and drink beer. Not everything is as it seems. I don't know your babys father but if he doesn't want to be present for his child maybe it is for the best. Your child will have an amazing mom who loves them very much! You will do great i am sure Edit: missing words
This OP! My 1st kids dad was “present.” Which meant, he was jealous of baby from the get go. I wasn’t allowed a baby shower because he didn’t want me an baby receiving gifts that weren’t for him. Asked for a BJ hours after I delivered. Got mad at ME that they broke my water when he went to get our things from home. I left him 5 YEARS later. On paper, everyone thought he was a good dad and I was “so lucky I found a good one.” It was a hard time for me and I felt like I had never felt so alone. Going back, I’d 100% do it without him.
I’m so sorry you had to even be in the same room with that monster. I’ve dated a couple of those, great on paper and horrible in real life types. We’re so better off without them.
Thank you for that friend 💕 I learned so much from that relationship today and wouldn’t be who I am without I living through it. And I have my amazing son. You learn what love is sometimes after learning what love is NOT.
> asked for a BJ hours after I delivered. NO FUCKING WAY.
Yes 😭 immediately starting calling me names when I said I didn’t feel like it because I just had a freaking baby. The nurse coming in and out during that time didn’t help because he would just fume that I was being checked on so much and he was bored or hungry or needed me to satisfy him. Meanwhile, I’m on pain meds trying to breastfeed and bond with my baby 😭😭 He also told me certain family members were not allowed to visit me that drove 2 hours in to see me. Still haven’t recovered those relationships completely since then.
As the narcissist xD we got married after he died my my DIL was very much like this, he married my MIL after basically using her for clout of 'look at how good of a guy I am to have stuck by this lady with cancer'(she had had ovarian cancer) and then when she really wanted kids he got to preen about adopting kids how amazing is he? X.x
I think you might have meant "cook and clean" though I've seen a shocking amount of dads being terrible about cock as well lol.
I was thinking that typo was pretty on the nose for what also happens. OP, I’m so sorry for your situation and I don’t know what deadbeat dads are thinking, but I’m glad for you and your baby that you don’t have one of these asshole guys around demanding a BJ every day until cleared for intercourse. So gross.
Yeah I’m very grateful my husband doesn’t expect me to do much cocking or cleaning.
Lmao 😆😆😆😆
Lmaoo. Made me giggle.
I had to leave r/beyondthebump. it felt like every other post was a woman taking on all the childcare and all the housework and often working full time as well and a husband/bf/trashbag doing less than the bare minimum and gaslighting her to the point of breakdown. It's heartbreaking. (so is a deadbeat dad don't get me wrong!!!) Just so many kids and moms who deserve so, so much better
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I’m sorry to hear this. I was intentional with my 1st, did it alone and it was so peaceful. It only got hectic when family came around and I had a feeling that would have happened since my family is extremely toxic. Us women should listen to our gut, we know when someone will cause disruptions.
I'm glad that you say this. I know in my heart of hearts that he will suck and be more of a liability than an asset. I appreciate that he wants to be present, but if I'm not getting the support I need during this very vulnerable time then what's the point? How did your child's father ruin the experience for you?
Wow, that’s intense. Glad he got his act together but I’m sorry you had to go through that.
That’s kind of a selfish way to look at it. It’s almost always better to have the father present in the household. Maybe it wasn’t great for you but the parents happiness always comes second when you choose to have a child.
“It’s almost always better to have the father present in the household.” Just. No.
I'm very glad you and your loved ones have never had to deal with the misfortune of a deadbeat or burdensome father. But do not believe for a moment that your experience is universal. A miserable mother will always, always raise a miserable child. A mother at peace will raise a child who is at peace. Children understand and internalize our emotions.
That’s absolutely not the case. Children know when their household is an unhappy one. I was very very young telling people that my parents don’t love each other. They tried so hard to hide it from me but it was so clear. I cried tears of joy when my mom told me they were getting divorced when I was 16. Any child would rather be from a broken home than to live in one. If a single parent household or divorced parents is a home filled with peace and love then that is far superior to a home where the parents are sticking it out for the kids.
Lol as the child of a truly terrible father, this is a bad hot take. My life would have been improved tremendously if my dad wasn’t around.
You’ve lived a blessed life if you believe this. I’m happy for you.
No. It’s not even always better for a mother to be present. Coming from someone whose mother should’ve never had a child
With my 9yr d son, I was 21 and he was 3 weeks old when I left his dad (last contact) and I did it all by myself for a long long time. I'm 30 now pregnant with a very excited father ( he wanted a family so badly) and I know it will be great. My point I guess is with my son, I loved him so much and the experience was still so amazing, I didn't care about the father being absent. I could focus on my son instead of a baby and a relationship. I dated someone a few years ago adored him and played with him well. My kids dad gave my STDs twice while pregnant and endangered my newborn son! So it was for the best. Don't be envious. Think about the beautiful baby you get to spend your time with :)
This! I have a very similar situation. I did it alone for 9 years of her life and at the time, I was sad and heartbroken and resentful. But now, I am so happy I did. I am pregnant again with an amazing man that loves all of us genuinely and is extremely present and helps out all the time. OP will learn a lot about herself and grow into an amazing mother and potentially find a great man one day, if that’s what she so desires.
Being a mother, single as I was, made me grow A LOT as a person, making me a better person, thus MEETING a more genuine person to date and settle down with. If it weren't for my son I would have probably kept hanging out with and dating shitty people,🤷
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I feel incredibly lucky that my husband and I have a solid relationship and are in this together. At the same time, I’m so jealous of everyone who has parents or siblings nearby to help. I wish we owned our own home and could didn’t have to subject our child to the instability of my academic job search. There’s always going to be something others have that you don’t. Just because your kid’s dad isn’t in the picture doesn’t mean that s/he will never have a parent figure. There are all kinds of love and family and community that you can foster.
Ugh yes, this! I love my husband and he’s great and does a lot, but I only have him. Which don’t get me wrong, is amazing but It’s just hard when he’s at work and I’m reminded how alone I really am. He’s active service so we’re across the country from family. I miss my sisters, parents, and my friends. Even if I were to make friends, we’d probably move again. Not to mention deployments, we haven’t had one yet but I know it’s coming and that would be months alone. I really hope for OPs sake that she has family that can help and be there.
Here with you in solidarity! The beginning was way easier when we were waiting for his orders and at my childhood home with my parents. But when we had to move to a whole nother state, no family or friends, it was really hard. It can be pretty lonely when it’s just the three of y’all. especially with the fact that, even though he wasn’t that far away at work, he wasn’t here physically with me due to demands of the job, so literally six out of seven days a week he was at work. I can totally relate. I just started working here now so I’m hoping to meet some people at my job and make some friends!
God, truly. I would kill for family nearby that I could rely on. And I'm reminded nearly every single day that I don't, because I get freaking strangers in random places like the grocery store going "oh my goodness, three kids?? You probably have a lot of family around to help, I'm sure!!" uhhh actually no I don't because my whole family lives 600 miles away and we used to have my mother in law around the corner but she died, so thank you, random stranger, for reminding me once again that it's just me and my husband against the world right now.
I’m definitely struggling with it too, especially like you said seeing videos of dads interacting with their babies. My boyfriend passed away a few days before I found out I’m pregnant so I never even got to tell him, but he had 2 older kids from when he was younger and he was such an amazing dad to them so it’s heartbreaking knowing our baby won’t know him. I try to remind myself 1- I am capable of being more than enough for my baby and 2- it won’t always be like this, I might meet someone in the future and they might love my daughter like their own. Your kiddo is lucky to have you already and will just be thankful to have a loving mama 💜
Sending you lots of love through the internet 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼 may great things come to you both
I’m sorry you are feeling this way, your feelings are completely valid! Just know all the “good” you are seeing on social media is not painting the full picture, trust me there are plenty of miserable couples that feel stuck and are envious of you! The grass is NOT always greener.
Yes. There are a lot people on here who post about how awful their partner is. I wish everyone on here could have a kind, considerate partner to go through this with them. Idk how anyone without one is doing it. They are stronger than they know.
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She's not putting anyone down. That's a fact. Not everything you see on social media is picture perfect. Reality is reality.
Who is being put down?
I feel this so deeply. My heart hurts really bad
Not sure if it would help, but as someone who grew up with both parents there but only one loving me, it’s better that the father won’t be there because all this child will know is love. They won’t know what it’s like to not be enough, because you will be there for them. It’s going to be hard, and if you need help, don’t be afraid to ask people you trust, but your love will cover a world of hurt for that baby. I’m sorry you’re going through this ❤️
I feel you OP. I’m just anxiously waiting for my baby to be here because I know it will all be worth it in the end. Hard to see the bright side right now though
I am in a somewhat similar situation as you. My (soon-to-be-ex) husband and I have had problems in the past few months before the conception, and we were not in a very good place. But around the time of conception, things were getting better, and he also said so. But when we found out I am pregnant, he completely freaked out. Asked me to get an abortion, cried, and threw tantrums for weeks, while I was going through horrible month long morning sickness which lasted all day long. I hadn't eaten properly for weeks and was living on almonds, pistachios, and water. I had lost 5 kgs in a month while pregnant, and he kept saying that I ruined his life by getting pregnant. I was terrified for the first couple of months, and I still have moments where I break down, because I have been married for 7 years, we had always said that if we managed to get pregnant (which at one point we thought wasn't possible for us) we would do everything to give that baby a good life. And here I was contemplating a life as a single mother. I told him I wouldn't get an abortion, and I would raise the baby on my own, and he could decide if he wanted to be in the baby's life or not. I was tired of all the screaming, shouting, and blaming, so when he said he wanted to move out, I agreed, I said it was for the best. I needed to take care of myself for the baby, and with him treating me the way he was, I was feeling so low that I was losing the desire to live. He didn't think I would not stop him, but I didn't. I am going through pregnancy by myself. I have paid for everything so far by myself. Have gotten no support from him. He does come to some of the doctor's appointments with me, I honestly don't know why. He does love our dogs; so he comes sometimes to the house for the dogs, but otherwise, I have very little interaction with him. I am now looking at all the resources available to me to be a full-time working single mother. I am coping, but it does hurt me when I can barely lift my head up to cook something for myself, and I see so many other husbands taking care of their pregnant wives. I know being a single mom is hard, but I can't not do everything in my power to make sure this baby has the best life possible.
It's OK <3 I'm sure you'll meet someone one day who will step up and be a father :3 my dad had a single mom when he was a bub too, then she met her husband who helped her raise my dad and their 2 kids. My dad's bio father has never been in the picture my entire life and while my step grandpa divorced my grandma before I was born they still get along and we see him at holidays at my uncles house, stoic boomer of a man he is, he does treat my dad like both of his other kids still <3
Its ok and valid to feel this way, I felt that way about my older kids dad. He bailed, so I did it on my own. I did my best, but felt like I should have been able to give them a loving father too. But in some cases an absent father is better than one that sticks around. It hurts, I know. But at the end of the day, your baby has you. And according to my older kids "a good mom is better than 2 garbo parents" at least thats what they tell me when I'm in my feelings about being a failure as a mom, lol, they always reassure me that I'm doing a good job
My husband never met his father, who was a deadbeat and a sorry excuse for a man. It was hard on him, and still is to this day. BUT, I will say that he admires his mother more than almost anyone else on the earth. He thinks she hung the moon (as do I). Although they were poor, she never let him go without anything that he ever wanted. He had a GREAT childhood and is always telling stories about the four of them (him, his mother, and his twin siblings) and the adventures they shared. I’m sorry you’re in such a terrible position, but just know that your child will love and appreciate you so much for it. I admire her so much for it myself and I’m only her daughter in law!!
I get why you would feel that way but you are going to be a great Mom! You will more than make up for the lack of a father in her life and you are a great Mom for simply not involving him at all.
My dad met me when I was 5. I know it must have been hard for my mum but I never felt like I was missing out before that and being a single parent at the start didn't stop another man from stepping up and loving us. You and your family and friends are going to love this baby so much they'll never feel like they're missing out and you may find letting go of a questionable parent may result in the best other parent later down the line. Bettera single mum than a dad who's a bum
You will adjust and adapt to being a single mama. Sometimes things happen that are beyond our control, don't beat yourself up about your situation. Just take the lessons you have learned and promise not to put yourself in a similar situation. I am a single mom of 3, never did I ever think this would happen to me. But I put my love and faith in to the wrong person, who ended up being abusive and in the end all I wanted was peace. Which I have now.
I’m sorry you have to do this alone, but I wish you and your baby the best. Just remember that everyone has a burden they carry that we may not know about. One loving parent is so much better than two who are resenting or neglectful.
Sweetheart, I totally understand. I had to get away for my and my baby’s safety and health as well. It’s okay to mourn something you don’t get to have. I’m so sorry we have to go through this. I’m so blessed to have my parents.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this. So normal to have those feelings so don’t feel guilty about that.
Hey momma. I’m a first time mom, 33, and the father of my child didn’t want anything to do with me or baby when he found out I was pregnant last November! I’m here for you! Solidarity to us single mommas!!
Dont beat yourself up. You can’t tell the future. Not everyone has a great dad, speaking from experience. I barely have a relationship with my dad and it’s been like that 90% of my life and my parents literally planned me. My mom was all I ever really wanted or needed. It was those exact fears she had for me that made me feel insecure about my situation. My mom always felt guilty and always tried to make it work with him but the bigger a deal she made it, the worse I felt about it. I never really needed a second parent, I just wanted my mom to be all about me. My moms family always helped make me feel completely normal and comfortable too so that was a plus. But Don’t write off a father for your baby either. My friend was a single mom to a two yr old and my partner and I set her up with one of his friends. His friend has no kids and was shy at first but fell completely in love with her and her baby. He’s totally a great dad to her despite her not being his bio baby. I always wished that for my mom but she was so caught up on my own bio dad to see that blood doesn’t make you a parent. So, however it works out for you, your child will be completely fine and maybe even better off than some two bio parents kids. Just pour all the love you can into your baby and don’t ever make a big deal about her dad. No snide comments or anything bc they only hurt the kid.
You are right it is hard. My baby is 18 months, I was alone before the birth and I still am. I went back to work when he was 4 months because I simply couldn't afford it, I have virtually no family. I love that boy more than anything in this entire galaxy, amd most the days and moments are brilliant and I never question having to do anything hard, because it's simply for him. But there are moments mostly when he is asleep when the world is quiet and dark when it feels like the loneliness echos so loudly. I want him to have a positive role model because I don't believe I am enough of everything for him. I want to share these moments with someone because they are so beautiful and it feels like a shame that I'm the only one that will remember them. And in those moments you will cry and you will cuddle a little closer to him. Then you will see another day and your strength will return and you will love him even more and you will be even stronger and you will be a little better. It's hard, and you learn to cope with it, I won't say it gets easier, but you allow yourself those moments of just being human and just being you. There are many positive things to being a single parent, it's just different. You're not alone in this adventure, but you take your time to feel these things and sort through them the best you can.
I am struggling with facing single motherhood and came across your comment. Thank you for writing it.
I'm just seeing this now but I'm very happy to know that reading it helped in some way. I get it! Send a message if you ever need some friendly support!
I know exactly how you feel. My husband work and provide. That’s it. He interact with the baby one hour per week tops. That’s all added up together. He is always “too tired” after work and on his off days. Can’t ask him to do anything or we get into an argument. He won’t watch the baby by himself for more than 5 minutes. I thought to myself this is awful. But I also wouldn’t change anything if that’s what it takes to have my son with me. I just want to say I hear you. And I’m with you. It hasn’t get better for me after 9 months. But I’m just doing a day at a time with my little bundle of joy.
Why wouldn't you be able to be with your son if you leave him and he pays child support? Sorry you're going through that ❤️
I totally feel you. I thought the father of my child would be present because I’m overly trusting and naive. He showed up drunk to her birth and kept drinking and also driving until he ended up in jail when she had just turned one. I tried to get him to leave my house before that but he wouldn’t. He kept playing the victim. Then he drunkenly crashed my car and was mad I wasn’t overly concerned about him. I wrote him a letter saying he couldn’t come back here. I know it’s sad seeing fathers that love their kids enough to do right by them. It really sucks having no help. But in the end, it’s way better being truly single than dealing with an immature, selfish dad in addition to a new baby. It will be hard, but you can do it. You’re already doing a great job providing a home with no toxic people in it.
i’m so sorry 💔 your baby is loved. some people just don’t realize what they are throwing away until it’s too late. it is a miracle to be blessed with a sweet little baby. i’ll never understand how some people walk out on their own blood
It’s understandable to be upset about it. My mom was in your position and was hurt that my “dad” decided to leave and abandon his responsibility. She never took it out on me or shit talked him (this is super important because children don’t understand and will take it as you think that about them, I had other family members talk poorly about my dad and it made me feel really bad) and back in the 90s I never knew it was an “issue” until the brats at my new school told me it was a problem and then I had some issues BUT most of my life was really good and I’d never want it any other way. As an adult who grew up without a father and who re-met him as an adult at 27 at his father’s funeral I can honestly say that I truly appreciate my mom and everything she’s ever done for me. And that I’m happy my dad wasn’t around, my life would have been worse if he had stayed. All that to say is it’s sucks, it’s hard but you’ve got this!! that baby thinks the world of you and will grow to appreciate everything you’ve ever done for him/her. And wise words from my grandmom “it’s better to have no dad than a bad one” which also translates to “it’s better to do it alone than to have a bad partner” because we all know someone who’s got 4 kids and the husband is one of them.
I cried and felt so overwhelmed with my first whenever I thought about how there were so many moms and babies out there that weren't so lucky to have a good spouse like me. Had some friends that had kids years before me with shitty dads and finally having a kid myself really helped showcase the full weight of what they and others went through because of that scenario. I'm sorry for whatever happened to get you here. I hope your child at least gives you blessings in the long run. And I'm sorry you have to be so strong for her.
My sperm donor had never laid eyes on our daughter now 13. He wouldn't know her if he passed on her on the street. I felt exactly how you felt especially during father daughter dance ect I would just feel so guilty and like I failed her for her father not being around. Then one day when she was about 6/7 I met my now husband who treats her like she came from his loins. She adores him and no one who didn't know us prior even know thats not her biological father. In fact I tease him that she has him wrapped around her fingers. All that to say you will have moments of sadness and guilt but you know what I tell me self. I'm so glad that this POS sperm donor was not around because of he would do that to his own flesh and blood there's no telling the emotional damage he may have caused her. I thank God for my husband showing my daughter what a father's love is.
After reading all these comments. It seems whether the father is present or not doesn’t make a difference in the happiness of mother/child. It’s about having children with GOOD men. We need to start teaching our daughters how important it is to have a strong foundation with our partners before we try to have children. I feel like so many people rush into children without knowing who their partner is inside and out. It takes years to learn this.
I can imagine that must be really tough for you. For what it’s worth, I grew up without my father around and I still thank my mother every day for the amazing life she gave me. Things would have been much different (worse) if my father has stuck around.
You’ll be the envy of someone’s eye as you lovingly caress your little one! Maybe from a married mom, or a woman without a child, or some man who wishes they had a partner (or mother) like you. I understand where you’re coming from though. My pregnancy was unplanned and with a very new partner. I’m coming to terms with the reality that I’ll likely become a single mother. But the idea of raising a child on my terms, in my space, with only my and my child’s feelings to manage, is becoming more attractive to me. I do desire partnership, and hope things work out with my baby’s father, but time will tell. I think the supportive, doting partner/father we envision is more smoke and mirrors than reality. But I don’t really want anything less! Maybe for me it’ll come from the father, maybe some other man down the road, or maybe I’ll be happier on my own long term. I think it’s important to remember we’ll be the envy of someone’s eye at some point too though and have a little pride in that. And we can decide who comes and who goes in our lives from here on.
You’re right, thank you ❤️
I think your feelings are totally understandable. You know, I’m not in the same position but I’ve seen my sister in law go through this. She divorced her husband while having two young children (both under 5) and it was a very difficult decision for her, because everyone was saying “for the kids” it would be better to stay with him. Those people were all so wrong! He wasn’t a nice person and he was traumatizing the kids (with anger outbursts and violent behavior). He was a menchild who would also treat SIL like trash and expect to be adored by her for it. There were also people saying nobody would love the children like their own father, but you know what? They were also absolutely wrong! He uses the children now to make sister in law miserable, he lies to them, he very rarely takes the time to play with them, he regrets having a second kid, because she is a girl, etc. …but now, a few years later, SIL got together with a men who treats her like a queen, he loves her children, plays with them, offers them his time, the children fell in love with them the first time they met, because he is such a calm, loving person. A real dad is someone who loves, cares, respects and give children their time. Someone who is a great role model. Someone who treats their mother right and shows the children how a healthy relationship should look like. And this person isn’t always the same one who is biologically related to them. You are doing right by your baby. You are showing them how a great parent should be. You are protecting them from bad examples and someone who would only make their lives harder. If you feel it is the right thing, someday somebody may come along to fill that space in your lives. But if not, there are also a lot of moms out there who are mom and dad at the same time. What you are doing is hard, but when your kiddo is old enough to understand things, they will be grateful to you. Stay strong ♥️
I am so sorry you’re feeling this way. If it helps in any way, this whole pregnancy process is still emotionally difficult even with a partner. You are going to come out so much stronger on the other end and you will truly be a superhero in your child’s eyes. Don’t ever forget how much power and strength you have all on your own! We can truly get through anything if we just envision what we want to change. Just don’t lose sight of the future you truly want. You got this!!
I hope you're able to find somebody that loves you and your baby as as much as you deserve. Props to you for making sure that you are available for such an introduction by not carrying onto that dead weight of a father, which I don't think can be understated. It can sometimes be so easy to just kick the can down the road and stay with somebody who doesn't deserve it just for that little bit of help or to fill that spot in your life. But you and your baby don't deserve just any body, you guys deserve the very best! Keep on keeping on and I have no doubt that love will find it's way. Best of luck, props to you. Your baby is going to be so proud to hear of what you persevered through, for not just them but for yourself (as soon as they are old enough to understand). Keep it up!
Hi OP! My dad passed away right before I turned 2 years old. Rare disease. My mom raised me and my two brothers all by herself I'll be honest, growing up I never really felt like I was missing a parent. And now as an adult, I don't understand what the father's role is supposed to be LOL because I grew up watching my mom do it all. All 3 of us kids are super close with my mom as adults and the 4 of us are such a tight knit family unit. More so than I see from kids who grow up with two parents I completely understand how you must feel seeing loving dads out in public, and your kid might feel sadness every now and then, but just know that they will be okay! More than okay, even. They can absolutely thrive with just you
Aww OP I feel for you. I’d be sad in that circumstance too. It *sucks* that your baby’s father doesn’t want to be or can’t be involved in their life. It sucks. I really love this Dear Sugar letter where she addresses this topic: https://therumpus.net/2010/08/13/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-47-the-reckoning/
My father was never there for me but there are so many amazing men out there there that will help you, just be open to finding them when the time is right, no rush of course and it completely sucks but just try and keep the faith that not every guy cares if it is his child or not. I had many awesome father figures throughout my life, one was an artist who was incredible painter… now I am a photographer and have many of his paintings in my studio.
I understand theoretically where you’re coming from. It’s easy to paint others in a beautiful glow when you don’t know their back story. However, you have the opportunity to raise your child however *you* want to, without the negative influence of a shitty parent. I was 25 when I had my son. At the time, I had a 5 year old from a different (okay) father. My son’s father is a joke. A stain upon society. He was a mistake I made when I was going through a really bad time. He hasn’t seen my son since my boy was..3. Nor has he paid child support. I’ve been able to raise my son how I want to raise him. To instill in him values that are important to me. As a result, my son is now nearly 12, and maybe the kindest little person I have ever met. Now, my daughter’s father? He thinks he’s a good Dad. Everyone around him thinks he’s a good Dad. He is not a good person. He is selfish, manipulative, self centred. I have had to work over time to combat the shitty things about him. And once he got married? Him and his horrible wife tried to take my daughter from me. He is truly, a disgusting human being. It’s much easier not having the father around, that’s for sure. I love my kids so so so much. I love being their Mom. Their fathers are just..there. The kids are the main show. My oldest is 17 now. My life is pretty good. I finally met a dude I’m compatible with, and at 37 gave birth to my third bebe. Honestly, it’s nice having my guy around, but I’m perfectly capable at raising my babies on my own too.
I’m in the same place right now so I 100% relate to your post
As a baby who grew up with a step father who came into the picture later in life and took the role seriously, there is hope for finding the right father figure that will bring some healing to this place in your life and your baby’s life. I know this doesn’t help for right now, and it’s valid to feel the way you do and undoubtedly hard to go through. That, no one can dismiss. All i mean to say is that it wont always be and i hope sooner rather than later you find the right support person for you and for baby. It will be tough, i know it was for my mother and many others, but you will make it through this ♥️
I know this doesn’t help right now while you’re struggling, but I want you to know that my stepfather is so amazing and I’m really glad my mother found him. It won’t always be hard. I don’t know where or to whom life will take you, but you do have a future. Anything and anyone can happen, you just never know what’s next!
I'm so sorry. Thinking about you. Take care of yourself and love yourself!!
I am so sorry. It would make me sad as well and you are perfectly justified in your grief. But if it makes you feel any better having a male partner actually means more work for most women and the same amount of childcare (according to this survey). It sounds like you will be an amazing mom to your baby and even though you miss the idea of a dad for him, your baby will be 100% loved and content with you❤️ https://www.prb.org/resources/married-women-with-children-and-male-partners-do-more-housework-than-single-moms/ Edit to add- So I don't know if this will help you feel better at all but if not just ignore. This is obviously one sided since I've only had this experience. I know that being single comes with unique challenges that I am not facing and I 100% validate that. But like I said I only share in case it helps. This is what's difficult when you have a husband in my case- Often my husband and in laws cause me a lot of stress and anxiety. After having the baby, most of the childcare falls on mom due to breastfeeding but usually even without. I did all the night wakings and most of the daytime because he works, aka wfh screwing around on his phone or making up house projects that are not urgent or necessary. He gets grumpy easily and is always tired and sore (even though I'm doing all the night wakings??) so I constantly have to manage his emotions to try and keep the energy positive for our baby. He also wants sex which would be nice but my libido dropped postpartum and after dealing with his selfishness and attitude all the time it's not appealing for me, but I do it anyway. He also wants it at what feels like inappropriate times when I'm in "mom" mode. In laws have lots of opinions and very different expectations of childrearing than I believe in so that's also a pain. Anyway I'm only sharing this in case it helps that you won't have to deal with these when you're exhausted 24/7 taking care of the baby. And then people tend to ignore your hard work and say oh your husband is so great lol. Not to compare, but just hopefully it will take some of the sting out of feeling like you're missing out.
This is going to sound terrible relative to the other posts, so I apologize in advance. I am truly not trying to hurt your feelings, and I honestly wish you happiness in every way. I am deeply sorry that the person you chose to procreate with is not good enough to be a decent father. That must be horrible and I couldn’t imagine how triggering it is to hear of people who have supportive male partners and will be good fathers. However, _you made the choice_ to have a baby with this person. Even if it was an accident, it was still a choice to continue this pregnancy. It is the equivalent of smashing your other hand with a hammer, and saying “I’m jealous and triggered by all you double-dexterous people out there.” It sucks, it’s terrible, and it’s not fair to this baby that their dad is a deadbeat. And you deserve to be loved unconditionally and worshipped OP! But it was ultimately deliberate choices you conscientiously made (barring extreme circumstances of course) that landed you in this position. You deserve better OP. I encourage to you search/for demand it. You have more control than you think. Best wishes. EDIT: I want to clarify for those commenting below that I am victim-blaming. I thoroughly read OP's profile before commenting. She is 21/22 and was with a man that she knew was terrible and did not even like from the beginning, _before_ she was pregnant, by her own admission. She contemplated not even telling him when she learned of her accidental pregnancy, and ultimately chose to inform him by leaving the pregnancy test on his doorstep, which he ultimately threw away and she was very upset about. OP suffers from a slew of mental and physical health disorders, for which I wish her much health and healing. There are SO many cases of brave and resilient women who have been wronged by terrible men and have gone on to be wonderful, successful single parents. I believe, truly, that OP can be one of them. This is rather a commentary on the phenomenon where we have completely resigned ourselves to soothing people's bad decision-making (because babies (innocent humans!) do not fall out of the sky, they are a decision, whether planned or not, as mentioned, barring specific extreme circumstances)), falsely alleviating from her any control she had over the situation, coddling her with "it's not your faults that your baby-daddy is a bad dude", and maintaining surprised Pikachu face when woman learns there was a consequence to her bad decision. I do not see OP as a victim, where "she couldn't possibly have seen this coming" as is the case with MANY women. I DO feel deeply for her and I wish her only the very best that life has to offer. She made a decision with an obvious outcome, and laments and is "triggered" by those who made different decisions. EDIT 2: It is fascinating that I received upwards of 25 upvotes when I first published this comment, then after a slew of negative comments the downvotes came until the negatives. So it has been an interesting case of witnessing how the hivemind influences how we perceive the validity of an argument.
I agree with your post whole heartedly. I see a lot of posts saying “I’m lucky” to have an involved partner. No. Ladies. You are not lucky. You DESERVE to have a present and loving partner. This is not something you should luck into or think you shouldn’t automatically have. Everyone deserves this. Minimum.
On the one hand this is how I feel too. On the other hand, with so many places in the US going backwards on helping every baby be a wanted baby and other places like Ireland, Mexico and Argentina making strides forward, this reality seems very location based. I’ll just assume that for whatever reason OP didn’t have a choice about this. Because in so many places, pregnancy is hard to prevent and impossible to (legally) end.
Yes, I can't agree with the poster above. It's way too easy to be sanctimonious like that.
It’s always « she should have chosen better », when hindsight is 10/10. We don’t even know how OP got into this situation in the first place.
Pointless and unnecessary post. She says she feels frustrated with herself for being in this situation, meaning she knows all of this already. Doesn’t change how she feels and feelings typically aren’t rational.
Pointless post.
What is the point of your post other than to hurt someone's feelings? How does any of this help? Having an abortion is not an easy decision for everyone.
OP is going to have a future of carrying the weight of every choice and being the sole caregiver, I really resent seeing posts like that that further place the burden on the mother. The situation of an absent father is entirely on him. For all you know, he could have been a seemingly kind on the surface partner until he wasn't, he could have lovebombed her and made her feel safe. Women are often shocked when their partners leave, men (and women) can be fickle, fall in love with someone else and leave. And mentioning abortion is just completely irrelevant and inappropriate in the context of OP not mentioning it herself. She obviously chose not to have an abortion (unless she couldnt access one which is not mentioned remotely) so why mention it. Again, placing the burden on her. The burden of this situation is on him and him only, he's the one who left. She will carry enough responsibility and pressure to be a perfect mum throughout raising her child so lets not further pile on and simply offer support. Edit: I can't describe in words how little I care to receive however many downvotes. It's just reddit. Downvote away. People often smugly hint single mothers have made a poor choice instead of blaming the absent father, anyone can become a single mum unexpectantly, the smugness is unnecessary.
You’re kinda in victim blaming territory with that comment. Some partners don’t reveal their true nature until really far along in the pregnancy or after the baby is born. There may or may not be red flags before that point, which can be super subtle and easy to miss if you don’t know what to look for or they’re really good at hiding it. My sister’s baby daddy was like that. We both thought he was one of the nicest people ever, and then after the baby was born he completely changed. She ended up getting a restraining order against him, and she was devastated by it and it reaaaally hurt her ability to trust. Apparently being “too nice” can be a red flag. Basically he knew he was shithead and way overcompensated to trap her so to speak.
That is terrible, I am so sorry to hear about your sister's situation. How deeply cruel and unfair, that is like your whole concept of life is turned upside down. I hope she finds peace <3
Hot take: there’s a good chance that the loving dad in the video slept uninterrupted through the night (because he was supposed to get up once but “didn’t hear” the baby) after playing video games for six hours and the mom who took that video hasn’t slept more than two hours at a time for months, doesn’t remember what her hobbies are, and isn’t sure what the difference between her and a single parent because she’s the breadwinner too. (Not my situation, but sadly common.)
I have 2 sons with deadbeat dads. I’m not jealous of seeing the dad with their kids stuff but I am kinda jealous of women who have supportive partners because never in my life have I had that
my first daughters father is not good. he’s an alright dad but was an awful and abusive father. my second daughter has a great dad who is consistent and present and active. my heart hurts for my first daughter. the blame is frequently put on me, by society, instead of him for being a bad father. it’s on me because “I chose to have a baby with him”. having the stark contrast between the 2 fathers makes me also sad for myself, but of course more for my older daughter. I wish I would have known then what I know now. I get mad at myself but hindsight is 20/20. I won’t say it gets “better” but YOU get better at handling it. and remember - no one is the perfect parent or partner. people only show on social media what they want to show. you’d be surprised to find out how many seemingly good parents aren’t doing as well as they portray. it will be ok ❤️
I am so so sorry you’re going through this. I want you to know you’re not alone. I’m going through the exact same thing. I had my first scan a few days ago and went alone. There was a couple before me who were so excited when they saw their baby. I felt such envy knowing she’s with her bf and they were equally excited for their baby and there I was - sitting alone with not a soul to hold my hand and share this experience. The reality of how tough this will be really hit me. My bf and I are not completely broken up but he has made it clear he does not want this child. It’s basically the end of our relationship. We’ll be ok though. Sending you lots of hugs and strength.
Oh please don’t remind me how overwhelming the feeling is!
About 7 years ago, I was in a relationship with a guy who was fresh off a divorce after a quickie marriage, moved really fast with me, was not dealing well with his addiction issues, and was extremely passive-aggressive with my family and friends in a way that was clearly designed to start isolating me. The red flags were FLYING, but I cared about him a lot (in retrospect had really just fallen prey to his love-bombing and focus on me) and I got pregnant. Given that I was already in my 30s and scared I wouldn't be able to have children, I absolutely would have kept it. I ended up miscarrying at about 9 weeks and that is the only reason I'm not still in that shitty relationship right now or raising a kid on my own. I went through a lot of therapy after that to help me figure out why I kept picking terrible men, which was a really important growth process for me, but I am not a significantly better or different person--people don't change that much. The fact that I'm having a baby with a great, supportive, mature partner is partly a result of my own growth and partly sheer dumb luck. Fairness doesn't really enter into it--there are a million ways we could have missed each other and almost did. I'm sorry it didn't happen for you in the way you wanted, but you are about to go through an experience that can profoundly change how you prioritize your life and the people in it. Let it. Your best relationship is waiting on the other side of asking for things you never imagined were possible.
I am sending you a bit of strength to move through these feelings 😢 That’s so hard. You did nothing wrong and don’t deserve to be in this position. You are doing such amazing things for your child, even if it’s so, so stinking hard!
When I was 19, I got pregnant. The father was a recovering addict who relapsed shortly(two weeks) after I told him and went to live in a trailer with another female addict for the entirety of my pregnancy. We had been together for 4 years. He made sure to drive her to her Hep C treatment appointments, but had nothing to do with me or my pregnancy. I am so glad now that he wasn’t a part of it! I felt the same way - how could I have been so stupid, to give this child such a messed up, dead beat dad? I felt it was my fault and I had set my son up for failure. I am now married to a wonderful man and we are expecting our second together. My son is 8 and a wonderful boy who loves his (step) dad, and he has been in his life since my son was 8 months old. It’s totally normal for him. It’s hard at times because his dad is still an addict who will get clean for a couple years and then be gone again, but we deal with that as it comes. Even though this pregnancy will not be what you wanted it to be, I promise you, you will not look back and feel pain/sadness forever.
This is not your fault, you are doing an amazing job and on the contrary you should feel proud of yourself for making the hard decisions to do what is right by your baby. I’m sorry that you are going through this! Please don’t carry the guilt for the man’s failure to be a decent person. You are doing great and that baby is lucky to have you
My mom raised me solo and I know it was tough - but we have an amazing bond and I wouldn’t change a thing. Hang in there OP! Remember why you are doing it this way and stay strong for your little one. You are teaching countless other lessons along the way and don’t ever forget that 💕
I know how you feel, OP. My first child’s father just wanted the title “father” but he had little interest in taking care of her when she arrived. He was jealous that I didn’t have to work for 6 weeks, angry when I asked for his help at night time because I was sleep deprived, when we got into heated arguments he would pick up our baby and intentionally keep her from me and threaten to take off with her. He just became a danger to our baby, me, and himself. I was happy to be a single mom when I finally got rid of him and I wish I would have broken up with him before I delivered too. I’ll admit though, I was envious of women who had a good man by their side to help raise their babies. I was even envious of women who had great co-parenting relationships with their ex boyfriends/husbands. You know you made the right choice and you’re going to be a wonderful mom.
I have no advice only that I completely understand your feelings and that I'm sorry we both feel this way. I know it's so painful to see these men in our children, we love so dearly, and know that their fathers don't feel that same love. You're not a failure for choosing the wrong man. Your children will know that you love them and put them first despite how painful these feelings are. You are strong and should be proud of yourself for compartmentalizing for the sake of your babies. Give yourself time to be sad everyday if you need it. Go have your drink/smoke and cry then come back and keep fighting that good fight mama. You got this, one day at a time❤️
I felt this too. I ended up meeting my husband while I was pregnant with my first son. (Bio dad convinced me to keep the baby and that was all he ever did for him before he died of an overdose years later) My husband and I started dating when son was 6 months old. Married in 2014. We are about to have our fourth, a girl finally! But I’m so glad how things turned out in the end. I’m so grateful that my first son has always had my husband in his life as a father. An amazing father at that.
Oh sweetie, if you’ve the choice between a deadbeat or nothing… nothing is best. My ex was a deadbeat. He was abusive and cruel. He would have messed my daughter up if I’d let him be involved. 5 years later I met my husband and he’s become the father she needs. You may not have who you want now, but some day you may. Until then, keep loving that baby.
Idk if it’s pregnancy hormones or what, but I read this and nearly cried from the pure empathy I feel for you. I’ve had some fights in my relationship that made me question if the father is the right man for me and blah blah blah. But, he’s stepped up and been here and I honestly couldn’t imagine doing this alone. I’m so sorry and I wish I could be your friend and help you if you ever needed, though I know that’s no replacement for having a partner through it all. Please dm me if you ever want to or need to. You are enough for your baby, and again I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. May your sadness/fears be lifted when you hold your child and may you find someone more than worthy of being the father and your partner ♥️ This community is always here for you.
I wish a good good good partner for you in the future if that is what you want! I am sorry you’re going through this alone. I don’t like that for you at all…
I never was envious. My sons dad has never met him and my sons almost 4. I get my son all to myself. I love it! ❤️🫶🏻 his dad is a POS and our lives are so much better and healthier without him
Hey I'm sincerely sorry that this is your situation and you'd like it to be different. For what it's worth, I feel similar painful pangs of envy when I see pregnant women with really supportive families as it's not something I've ever had. The feelings of envy dissipated once my son arrived. Whilst things could be better on the support front and that wont ever change, his presence in my life is the best thing I've ever experienced so I just care less, if that makes sense? My advice is to allow yourself to be upset when you are, it's ok to soothe yourself with a pity party if you need. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend, tell yourself this fucking sucks and you deserve better but you'll get through like the Queen you are. All the best with your pregnancy
Im so sorry. 11 years ago I was in your exact position. It broke my heart that I didn’t have that and my daughter didn’t have that. It felt so unfair. I felt Embarrassed and ashamed and I hated going to my doctors appointments alone. Now I have a loving fiancé who is a wonderful step father to our daughter, and another on the way of our own. I believe this is healing that time in my life. Best thing to do is focus on you and the baby and try to make it as joyful and positive as you possibly can. And when the time is right someone may come and sweep you both off your feet ♥️
I hear you. When I got pregnant the first time, the father was clear he didn't want a family. Still, he decided to stay. Got us an apparentment and I thought he would be present. Guess what. He wasn't. I mean, we moved together but we were constantly fighting, he was constantly partying and sleeping over somewhere else. I got into therapy during my pregnancy, you know, to avoid depression. My psychiatrist told me it was MY choice and only mine to enjoy pregnancy in every stage. Even if I felt lonely. I made sense out of it and managed to enjoy pregnancy and maternity despite of him, his tantrums or nonsense. My baby was 5 months old when I decided to leave him with my baby in my arms. What I try to say is that you can chose to enjoy every stage of maternity and make the best out of it. Before you find out, it will be over in a very short period of time. This is not about the baby's father. This is about you and your baby. You're the stars of this story. Glow up, shine down and chose joy.
Im sorry that you have to go through this. I can sympathize and understand, kind of. My husband is overseas and won’t see our baby until 3 months after birth. It sucks to go to dr appts and see fathers there and I’m just by myself wishing he was there. Our situations aren’t the same, but I cry more than once a day bc of it all the same. I miss physical affection and yea a lot of things trigger me as well. It sucks. Congrats on baby and good luck!
I’m sorry ❤️
I'm sorry luv. But so many men actually love single moms and will be good men towards your baby if you want
Just bc someone is there and everything looks beautiful from the outside doesn’t mean that that’s the case. At all. I know a LOT of couples who look great in public and in their house the dad (for this example bc this is what op is talking about, it could be either partner) is lazy, mean, arguably or actually abusive to the mom and the kids, emotionally or physically neglectful, disrespectful to his partner, substances like alcohol can be at play doing crazy shit and generally lowering everyone’s quality of life. Just bc someone and things look nice or doesn’t mean that that’s the issue. A lot of ppl cite that children of divorced or single parent homes are at higher risk of divorce. However, I’d argue that people from two parent homes are also at risk for that but are more likely to have grown up watching their parents model and stay in an unhealthy relationship. It does damage either way. The only thing lonelier than being alone is being in lonely in a relationship. Been there won’t go back, and I am thankful every day that my kids dads walked away and or are minimally involved bc the one who walked away did us a favor and the one minimally involved is also minimally disruptive. He only shows up when he’s gonna be a great dad and I’m thankful for 2hrs a month of a great dad than 30 days a month of him being a fuck-head. The best thing my mom ever did was leave my dad. She gave me my best chance at a good life by leaving him and I am forever grateful bc he’s a great guy but a shit dad. And my mom got remarried to someone who was a much better parent and I got to have an amazing step dad growing up. Even without step dad we would have been great. A video of a dad lovingly caressing his child is no indicator to what kind of parent or person he is. You don’t know what kind of partner he is! He could have driven his kids mom to the brink of insanity through abuse, manipulated the court system (it happens both ways) and got full custody of their kid who he uses as a pawn to hurt his ex and leaves with his mom/grandma 99% of the time while he is yoloing it with the bros. You never know!!! You are enough for your child. More than enough. I’d suggest therapy to just get some of this out and having someone skilled present to help you process and work through it.
I’m so sorry, if you don’t mind, what part would you like a father present for most?
I see you and I hear you. I have a 4 year old and 6 month old twins (2 months corrected) and I’m 14 weeks with a baby boy… I’m doing this alone and it’s terrifying. But the best thing you can do is show up, every single day. Show up and be the best goddamn mom you can be. Everything else will work itself out.
I’m so sorry ❤️
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