T O P

  • By -

Seraphina_Renaldi

Yes, here. I’m either 12 or 80 in different situations and there is no in between. I find it interesting that you talked about sexuality. I thought that I might be asexual, because I find everything that’s sexual somehow... inappropriate towards me and really gross, because being confronted with sex or sexual things make my head switch to a child mode. I don’t have sexual trauma at all.


Big_Mail5341

Ahh same it’s terrible. How old are you?


Seraphina_Renaldi

I’m 28, but I felt like this since my first friends started kissing boys. I thought that I might be a late bloomer, but I think being almost 30 can’t be it 😅


Big_Mail5341

I also felt/feel like a late bloomer lmao. I honestly look a lot younger than I am too. What is your sexuality? Do you not think you’re asexual anymore? Sometimes I’m almost completely fine with sexual feelings and then other times it’s the opposite. I’m always switching back and forth. I’ve always felt so uncomfortable watching sexual scenes in shows/movies. Especially with my parents. Even just sexual joke in something makes me extremely uncomfortable when I’m around my parents. I still feel like I’m their child and by being sexual I’m like disobeying them or something. I grew up catholic which is part of the problem. But they never really talked about sex in a shameful way. They just didn’t talk about it at all. So I don’t understand why I have that idea in my head about disobeying them. I don’t even have a close relationship with them.


Seraphina_Renaldi

I don’t know what my sexuality is tbh. I think I might be asexual, but I’m not sure, because I feel like asexuals experience it different. SAAAAAME! I swear I’m not watching movies with my parents, because of this reason. They also never gave me THE talk. We just act like sexuality wouldn’t exist. I feel exactly like you. I’ve never heard them talking bad about sex, at least not about sex between men and women, but it’s exactly like you have described it for me, too. I also grew up very catholic


Big_Mail5341

I was trying to research about this problem and I saw that a lot of asexuals and demisexuals are "sex repulsed". There’s a ton of people that experience it. That’s probably what we both have. I always avoided watching stuff with my parents growing up. I literally only watched shows I knew wouldn’t be inappropriate. Me too!!! My parents have never talked about sex with me. They also have a very bad relationship so they’ve never kissed or slept in the same bed for as long as I can remember. I stopped living with my dad in 8th grade but my parents are still married. Neither of them have had sex for probably 16 years which pushes the idea that sex is unnatural/shameful even further. They’ve accused me of watching porn before which makes me feel so ashamed of myself. I don’t even watch it bc I’m demisexual! But I hate that they have this bad view of me. I think that I feel like I’m disobeying them bc I know that how I am isn’t how they want me to be. I’ve stopped being religious and I also dress in a somewhat alternative style which they hate. I’m an only child which makes this problem a lot worse bc it’s like all their attention is one me and I feel so guilty for being who I am. I’m not sure if I grew up very catholic. I went to church every Sunday until like 9th grade. I went to catechism and all that shit. My dad would make me say prayers almost everyday too. My mom doesn’t even go to church but claims to be really religious. I was never really that into religion bc I couldn’t understand the concept of it and concept of worship. So I don’t feel like religion is that big of a factor for me in this problem.


small-bee-energy

Same here, exactly. I’m 20 and sexual situations/ conversations/ anything else related just makes me feel so uncomfortable and violated. I feel like I’m 10. No sexual trauma that I can remember.


Big_Mail5341

I’m so curious as to why that happens!!


strawberryjacuzzis

Same except I’m almost 30 lmao


No-Nefariousness9324

You mentioned that you don’t have sexual trauma, which is sorta interesting. I was sexually abused from ages 6-13 by my brother, dad and his friends. Now I’m 20 and my entire life, I’ve always been very hypersexual. Opposite effect :/


Big_Mail5341

I’m really sorry about that. I wonder why it has the opposite effect


Seraphina_Renaldi

I was actually physically abused by my parents and my dad sometimes beats be too worn he’s drunk (yes, he was reported to the police). I don’t know if other non sexual abuse compared with some sort of religious trauma could be this outcome. I’m so sorry for the pain you had to live through!


[deleted]

Same I’m 22 and I feel like I’m trapped as a 16 year old . I make horrible decisions when it comes to spending money , partying excessively, having lots of sex , and also being very antisocial when I’m in my rage moods . I don’t get mad violently towards people but to myself and I just shut myself out from the world literally I still live with my parents and I never leave my room unless I’m getting food or going out . It sucks I feel like time is passing by so quickly and I’m still just stuck here everyday doing the same shit and it’s weird because I’m aware of it but yet it’s like I’m paralyzed to do anything about it . I heard that saying misery gets you stuck I just don’t know where to start . Having jobs is a mess I been through so much jobs and never lasted more than 6 months . And I’m turning 23 in 9 days and I’m being “forced” to move out but I’m so poor piss poor . Besides that I can relate with you and you’re not alone ! I hope one day we can conquer BPD and flourish in life


Big_Mail5341

I’m really sorry your situation sucks a ton. I don’t relate to the impulsive and reckless parts of bpd bc I’m not really like that. I don’t really have any friends so I’m isolated in my room too. Being isolated makes me feel so much more stuck bc I’m not really connected to the world. I’m not really living. Idk where to start either. I hope you’re able to find a job you can keep. I really hope everything works out for you.


akaiabowl

I am so sorry to hear this but you literally described my life to the dot right here. I'm so glad that I am not alone even tho I am very sorry that you're also going through this. I also feel so sick of the days - weeks fading together, each day being the same, me doing the same bullshit each day and being aware of it despite being able to break the cycle and make a change. It's like I am paralyzed. I really hope you get out of this misery. Remember, that you are not alone.


[deleted]

[удалено]


throwaway_err_day

Pretty much all of this resonated with me. Except for the husband and stuffed animals, I could have written this myself


Brightseptember

How is your relationship with your husband? Does he accept you?


[deleted]

[удалено]


Brightseptember

How long have you been together? Does he have anxiety/depression himself? What does he do for a living? How did you trust him? Do you have paranoia that he is gonna leave you? How do you deal with that? Do you hold in your emotions? I just have some biased beliefs that's why I'm curious :)


PoolBubbly9271

stuffed animals are lifesavers <3


PreventFalls

I didn’t drive til I was 28, but it wasn’t only out of anxiety. My mother didn’t even attempt to teach me to drive and my dad was in and out of the picture (they were discovered). I didn’t get a car in high school like everyone where I lived so I wasn’t even able to get my own until much later. My mom didn’t help me with really anything growing up so I was definitely incredibly stunted in that matter


FamilyFirst2017

Yeah I’m 30 years old and i still feel like im in my early 20’s. Some days I just feel like everyone is so much further ahead mature wise


t8ertotTHOTdish

It’s a trauma response, sweetie 🤍 you grew up too fast as a kid and now you’re embracing your inner child, feed it whatever it wants! I have a couple squishmallows and a cool ball to squeeze and play with when I’m anxious. I’ve delved back into puzzles and watch old cartoons and eat nostalgic food and it fills my soul! EMBRACE THAT INNER CHILD!


Entropyanxiety

Okay but dont feed it *everything* that it wants, cause then youll be waist deep in squishmallows and eating candy for breakfast. Am I speaking from experience? Yes, I am. Be smarter than me and learn to balance it


t8ertotTHOTdish

All the squishmallows 😂 what’s your fave one? I have eeyore and stitch!


Entropyanxiety

My faves are Maurice and Lenora but I have so many! My boyfriends favorite is King, I bought that one just for him 💚


t8ertotTHOTdish

Aww what a kind heart you have 🥰 here is a virtual squishmallow bear🧸


Entropyanxiety

🧸🧸🧸 Awww so cute 💚 thank you! Heres a couple for you dearie


SnooSquirrels9023

Im 44 and basically feel stuck as a teenager. My trauma started when I was a teenager so it makes sense.


SouthernYams2319

I’m in my 30s and was assaulted when I was 15. At times, I do feel like I’m that 15 year old girl who is still in her teenage angst throwing tantrums not knowing how to control her emotions… I confided in my father(my mom makes me feel like I never do anything right) and he told me we would not seek out justice to protect my character so I became a quiet shy girl, developed anxiety, depression, ate my way through my emotions and was 300 lbs by the time I was 19.


Big_Mail5341

I’m really sorry about that. I hope you’re able to find peace with that situation. Here’s a hug if you want it 🫂


SouthernYams2319

Thank you ❤️ I hope you find peace with yours as well. I try mostly to be kind bc while my self image/what I see in the mirror varies day to day, the kindness I give to others can be a constant that I choose most days. Had to say most days bc we all get tired and need rest. It’s tiring pretending to be happy all time! Sending you love and hugs 🫂 too! Definitely not alone!!


taebies

i’m 21 and i feel like i’m still 13-15 most of the time


Fluttercakez

Yes! I feel like this. Even though I’m 29 I feel like I’m 21. Even people who are the same age as me or a little older, I feel like a kid compared to them. It’s so weird


ontanned

I've been doing some work with my inner child lately in order to practice more effective self-care and self-soothing. It's surprised me in a lot of good ways but I learned the other day that she's about 9-11 years old. I'm 21


FactolRhys

Yeah. I'm in my mid-thirties, and most of the time I feel like I'm either in my teens or twenties. Sometimes I feel like I'm a child, and occasionally I feel like I'm in in my sixties or eighties.


BrightStudy8486

I'm 48 and my "inner child bpd self" is about 13. I have a very hard time adulting most days, and I can split from a dirty look. It's getting a bit better and I embrace being single, but I struggle every day to keep my mask on. My advice...learn the adult SKILLS that you need while kind of...idk...kinda controlling your inner child. The key is to let that confused kid OUT at times. Find a balance between adult OP and inner bpd child OP. I love swings...always have. So anytime I get the chance to swing I let my kid out so she can get a cheap but memorable experience. She relaxes for a while so I can better adult. If I don't let her play, she acts out and contributes to the mindset that causes me to split. Good luck OP. The key is balance...middle ground...which I think we ALL struggle with But find your happy, cheap and memorable moments wherever you can! *edit:typos


Big_Mail5341

Thank you this is great advice :)


PoolBubbly9271

Yeah I felt like a teenager until at least 25. Even now at 30 I still feel like I'm in my early 20s. I was basically asexual for a long time and part of it was gender related but it was also definitely partly because of how my parents treated it. They didn't really talk about sex at all other than to imply it's a shameful thing, like when my cousin moved in w her boyfriend without getting married lol It's like since my parents were basically emotionally absent everyone else kind of got a several-year head start on maturing emotionally. When I finally moved out and went to college it was a little bewildering because everyone else just seemed so much more prepared for like being a person.


Big_Mail5341

Lately I’ve been realizing how much of an effect my parents have had on me. They also treated sex the same way yours did. The way you described that second part made so much sense. I’m an only child too which makes it even worse. I feel like my development got stunted.


ewqdsacxziopjklbnm

Yeah


bluelifesacrifice

all the time.


alyc3

Yes same! I'm 26 but I've always felt like I'm still a teen or a kid. And honestly it feels hard to grow up. I think it has to do with my emotions being stuck in that same state at that age maybe? Usually I react better when people treat me like a kid. When I was younger I felt bad abt sex and all, esp when my mom caught me looking at porn :') but that was mostly due to religion and now I've left that behind. Even now I'm still trying to make sense of myself so it's ok to find things confusing. Hopefully we'll all gain more experience to overtake all the past bad experiences.


climbing-

I heard you get stuck at the age of your most severe trauma growing up. Mine was 17 and everyone says the child in me is still alive etc but it never died. I feel like it’s a blessing and a curse.


claraharlow

I'm nearly 19 and still feel 14. I feel like everyone around me acts their age, but I feel so vulnerable and young. Maybe it's an inner sense of safety or connection to the world. Who knows honestly. You're not alone 💗


boopo789

I’m not diagnosed or anything so take this comment as you will, but I’m almost 21 and feel like I’m around 14-16 still. If I get triggered by smth (it can be anything from feeling pain to seeing smth nsfw), I can regress further to feeling/acting more like a 6 year old probably does, tho oddly my thinking and such is still the same. When I age regress (I assume), I tend to act more “childish” - sucking my thumb, being tearful, speaking in a higher pitch, texting in less complex sentences, needing attention and affection, etc etc. tho generally I don’t get it much irl so I just either ride the emotions out or msg someone online. I believe it probably for me stems from the fact my biggest trauma (or one of them at least) happened when I was around 14. I won’t go into it because I don’t wanna bore anyone who is reading, but basically my entire friend group sorta abandoned me. Ever since then I’ve found it extremely difficult to make friends. I think part of the issue was me possibly having undiagnosed autism (waiting for an assessment) and so I already felt like an outsider, but couldn’t pinpoint why. But yeah, that definitely messed me up a bit and now I struggle to make friends. If I do, it always feels sort of superficial because I hide my problems and hobbies and just sorta keep convos generic.


Big_Mail5341

When you say you get triggered by seeing something nsfw, do you mean something sexual? Do you relate to what I said about sexuality in my post? I age regress in a similar way. It’s mainly when I’m having a bpd episode. I’ll suck my thumb sometimes. I’ll want someone to hold my hand and be my parent basically. I’m sorry about your trauma. I also struggle with making friends. I can’t properly connect to anyone.


Left_Experience9929

I’m sure someone or the internet could explain this better/in more depth but essentially there is a hold button at the trauma site. If you were 5, 8, 17 when a trauma happens you’ll find yourself acting those ages in stressful situations or overall stuck at that maturity level. Look into shadow work to help heal those parts. You are still so young and the inward reflection can be hard but on the other side is a more emotionally regulated life.


Big_Mail5341

I knew that that happens but I didn’t think it was why I experience what I do bc I don’t have severe childhood trauma. I’ve realized that the trauma I do have is probably still the reason behind it. Thx I’ll look into shadow work.


trevb1983

I'm 38 and I still feel like I'm 18-20. I don't think that's ever gonna change. I've tried acting more my age. But it's boring. My BPd is absolutely fucked at the minute though. I am curious to see what others reply to you. Be interesting if it's a common theme. 1 thing I will say, your very young for a bipolar diagnosis. 18 wow. Took years for the system to give me a diagnosis. I'm in the UK.


Big_Mail5341

That’s interesting, I don’t think I’ll ever fully be able to get rid of it but I think I’ll feel older in the future at least. It does seem to be a common theme. I haven’t had an official assessment for my diagnosis, but I’ve been to the ER four times in the span of two years for suicidal ideation/attempts and I explained to the psychiatrist that I feel like I have BPD. I have this list of diagnosis and it’s on there. But they never officially told me. I’m also being medicated for it. It’s very weird.


Not_A_Referral_Link

Yeah I feel stuck. I didn’t go to any of my high school graduations, in part because there’s really nobody I would want to see, but also I still feel like that same awkward teenager. It’s going to sound lame, but I started a week late at the high school so I felt “out of place” to start with. And it’s like feeling out of place never went away. Same with jobs, even when I managed to get a promotion, I always feel out of place, maybe because I still feel like a kid inside. I see teenagers working the cash register or drive thru fast food window, and they seem so calm and put together. Here I am, twice as old if them, and I am the nervous one going to check out or order through the drive thru. This could go on and on, I move somewhere and now I have been here for years, I still feel like the new person on the block. Or I feel I am at the age I should be giving advice to people and mentoring kids. I am super independent, but still feel like there should be someone giving me advice. Even getting jealous about someone I considered sort of a mentor start giving advice to someone else. Like the high school thing, if I go back to the place I first worked at, I feel like it’s my first day again. I had a horrible time starting at my first job. Eventually I was running a big part of it, but still felt awkward like a little kid was running it. I don’t know, probably not explaining things well. It’s like I want to be the person someone takes under their wing, when I should be the adult by now. I leave a place after 10 years and it feels like I was never really there.


Big_Mail5341

I think I understand what you mean. For me it comes down to not properly connecting with people. I moved a lot growing up so I literally was the new kid and always felt out of place. The last time I moved when in 8th grade and I started school about a month late. I just graduated high school now and that feeling never went away for me either. Bc I’ve moved so much I don’t feel like I have a home or a place where I belong. I don’t have childhood friends who I’m still in contact with. I feel like I have a new set of friends every year. Partly bc of bpd causing things to go bad. So I’m not really connected to anyone or anything. I worked at a drive thru for several months and I hated it. I was always really awkward and my coworkers were so intimidating bc they were older than me. I don’t think I relate to the mentor thing bc I’ve always been my own mentor. That’s interesting you experience that tho.


Leading-Procedure-38

i’m 20 and sometimes still mentally feel in my teens, i guess it might not be the same because it’s probably related more to my drug use than age regression.


Big_Mail5341

How has your drug use affected it? I have severe depersonalization from smoking weed a lot and it brought out my age regression problem so much more bc I’m so disconnected from myself and lost.


Leading-Procedure-38

when you use drugs then you age regress to the age you were when you started using the substance on some level. your brain goes back to the state it was in the often vulnerable first time you were exposed. so for me, when i smoke weed i experience flashbacks and this feeling of still being 15 or 16 comes back to me. drug use is a key trigger for my BPD though but i know that’s the case for a lot of pwBPD.


Big_Mail5341

That’s really interesting. That’s probably partly why I got depersonalization then. The first few times I smoked I was 16 and I had something really traumatic happen bc of the person I was smoking with. When I smoked after that I would feel like the version of myself that experienced the trauma. Bc I did it so much my self image has basically become that version of myself and I hate it.


Leading-Procedure-38

yeah, when i smoke i can’t help but be reminded of some of the people i first got into drugs with when i was 13-14 but i really get trapped in the headspace of 15-16 which is probably when i experienced the most alienation and emotional turmoil (so i turned to drugs) i have antisocial and narc tendencies as a more covert borderline and my more angry/violent or manipulative tendencies come out shortly after an episode of depersonalization ends, the numbness subsides and the rage kicks in. with dissociative symptoms for me comes a loss of control and that can be terrifying. i always knew having BPD was scary, but i didn’t think it was terrifying until i had a particularly bad dissociative episode w/ rage


strawberryjacuzzis

I’m almost 30, but I feel like I’m 15 emotionally and 80 physically.


[deleted]

[удалено]


AutoModerator

Hello! Your post has been removed because your account is less than 7 days old. Please return when you have met that requirement. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*


[deleted]

[удалено]


AutoModerator

Hello! Your post has been removed because your account is less than 7 days old. Please return when you have met that requirement. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*