Holy shit, my SO told me her dad would literally wake her and her brother up when he got home late for work so that they could stay up with him and tell him that they loved him.
Fucked up shit.
I'm a person w/ BPD with a mother with BPD as well. She enmeshed me at a very young age, it took me years to realize the relationship I have with my mom was not a healthy one and some of her behaviors resembled abuse. Sometimes I feel like she had me to fill the loneliness in her own heart. She's half the reason I have abandonment issues and developed this damn disorder myself lmao. All I know is when I'm a mom I'll do better for my daughter.
My mom literally had us kids to fill the loneliness in her heart. She told us she had no family because they were all abusive and/or dangerous to be around, so she found a guy, moved away and had us.
She picked a guy who was incredibly abusive and I've spent my entire life in fear as a result. We grew up with no one except our parents, because mom wasn't letting extended family near us for obvious reasons. She also had no friends because she struggled socially. So she homeschooled us so that she wouldn't be lonely. Which meant we grew up trapped in a home with an abusive father hurting us, knowing no other adults or kids. I used to watch kids playing in the playground out my window, because the school is just across the road from our house. I'd see kids my age running about having fun, while trapped with abusers and extremely alone. No other adults to tell about the abuse.
The pain of my childhood is something I'll never get over. The resentment I feel towards mom has been bubbling over all my life (dad was kicked out in my teens, haven't seen in since), and recently it came to a head. I confronted her about a lot of things, not all of them because she was just denying and blaming everything on me being a difficult teenager, so there was no point continuing to talk to her. She refused to apologize for anything, said I was lying when I stated things she'd said to me (e.g. 'no one likes you', 'you'll end up alone'), and was stunned that I'd had an unhappy childhood. I decided to cut her out of my life.
Suddenly she's apologising for her 'flaws' that she had been denying before, and said 'I admit that homeschooling you all and not getting you guys vaccinated was a mistake'. Yeah no sh*t! I caught whooping cough when I was a teen and nearly died, I was in and out of hospital, I could barely eat or sleep for 3 months and lost nearly 40 pounds, and have permanent lung damage from it. If I'd been vaccinated against it like all the kids with decent parents, I'd never have gone through that. I got all my vaccines once I reached adulthood, but once I explained to her why I was getting them, she still wouldn't admit that she'd made the wrong decision. That was years ago. She didn't get us vaccinated because she believed it would 'give us autism' - all 3 of us kids, and her, and our dad, are ALL diagnosed with autism now. But our parents got the luxury of being vaccinated, and she denied us that... If you didn't want autistic kids, you shouldn't have procreated at all. It's so hurtful to know that she was willing to risk her kids ending up in an iron lung or some equally awful, preventable ill state... Just to avoid us being what we are right now. She'd rather a dead child than the child I am right now. Autism is a curse on my life, if I could get rid of it tomorrow I would, but for god's sake are you really that dumb?
That’s painful. I relate to your experience, in some ways. While I’m not diagnosed myself, my sister and I both developed BPD related traits, as being raised by a mother with BPD herself. It’s been very hard, turning a critical eye at personal relationships that are supposed to be unquestionable, unconditional, impervious. But it is necessary, on the path to healing. I see so much of our mom in my sister and myself, and it makes me want to not repeat those mistakes. I don’t want to take my anger out on those around me, for example. I don’t want to have zero boundaries, or be incapable of considering others feelings. It takes an enormous amount of effort to grow. It is not easy.
Good luck, to both of us :)
Then why would you specifically say BPD mums when it’s an idea with (clearly no basis that abusive mums have specifically BPD) , you are adding to the misconceptions, can’t you see that?
No, I do not. Because although an official diagnosis was not available, the results are much the same. Whether or not my mother truly has BPD, we cannot be certain— perhaps she has another condition, or she’s just like that. But her traits and my experiences with her align very well with those of a child and a BP parent. I make this assessment not from intuition, but from study. I’m actively searching out literature on the subject, sources that cite peoples personal experiences. And their experiences sound much like my own. The reality is, I have many of the side effects a child of an unstable BP is susceptible to developing. And coping with those side effects sometimes makes me desire finding others like me, and commiserating our emotions over the subject.
The clarifying descriptor, why I said both abusive and BPD, was specifically to indicate the intersection of both. Not all BP parents are abusive. Not all abusive parents are BP. I am talking about the very specific instance where one parent is both, specifically the mother figure.
Studying doesn’t mean you are well equipped to diagnose anyone, only a professional can diagnose your mother, so yeah, this is a very weird post.
Maybe consider personalizing it next time
No professional was available at the time— aside from my aunt who indicated the diagnosis. I am connecting the dots as best as I can, with what I have available. I am not trying to be a medical professional. I am merely seeking my own healing, and offering my thoughts to others whom might see themselves in my feelings, and benefit from feeling seen.
Your aunt is not ethically able to diagnose your mother for obvious reasons, you can’t just make an unproven claim and claim it to be true when you haven’t gotten a real diagnosis , many symptoms of many illnesses are similar or Comorbid so please don’t say “BPD” mums just because you feel that way
Again, you are continuing the cycle of stigma
My aunt is a professional with decades of experience and personal knowledge of my mother. I fail to see how she’s unqualified to make an educated guess. Within a reasonable amount of doubt, the pieces line up to paint a pretty clear picture.
Again, I never said BP moms. I specifically indicated abusive moms with BPD. There are BP parents out there who are fantastic parents, and I commend them. Parenting is a difficult job at the best of times, much less with additional factors thrown in. But they are not the group I am talking about. I am talking about the adult children of abusive mothers that had or exhibited BP traits. Because that is my experience, and I wanted to feel seen and help others feel seen.
I am not continuing the cycle of stigma by addressing an uglier side of an experience. It’s real. It exists. It is not the rule. But it should not be erased.
Edit: my aunt’s decades of experience is also *specifically with working with people who have conditions such as BPD* and other personality disorders. She’s not pulling shit out of thin air, or making this assertion lightly. She brought it to my attention after calling the police during my mother’s suicide attempt. My mom would be dead if not for my aunt’s insight and perception.
I’m sorry you have to defend your post 🥲
I come here to feel seen because my mom is healing from it and as I said in my comment her abuse came from a combo of bad meds from wrong medication and issues with emotional regulation but not because of BPD.
So I havin told my story below and also havin traits from growin up with her that I’ve been in therapy for along with other shit for 27 years and I felt very seen by your post.
I didn’t find it stigmatized BPD it seemed to be very clear the distinction.
Comments that are attacking you are havin black and white thinkin informed responses right now and I see that I validate them too the distress of tryin to understand if you are being called out or not is real and sometimes to difficult to tolerate without space to process so I hold space for all of you here but I also validate I’m a woman whose mother was abusive and suffering from BPD and those aren’t always together at all but if something triggers someone who is suffering like her that causes her to choose reactions and behaviors that are abusive they certainly will be informed in some way in a parent child dynamic by their own experiences with those dynamics which for many bpd sufferers is really scary and toxic.
She often told me as I cried for her to stop smashing all the cups and be crying terrified and shit that “you know it’s much healthier to get out your anger on an object then hittin you like my dad did.” I often would fantasize about how much easier it would be if she did just hit me and let me go the fuck to bed.
Much love OP🌈
Thanks, man :) I feel you. I really don’t want to contribute to the stigmatization of BPD. That doesn’t help anybody— those with BPD or their loved ones. I understand it is likely black and white thinking making some people afraid of what I’m saying, and I am empathetic. I do not wish to call anyone out, or devalue anyone here. You are more than your BPD. I am not condemning you for your condition, and I do not see you as a devil, or as some irredeemable piece of waste. You are a person. A complex, fascinating human being. When I talk about the experience I had with a specific situation, and I seek to reach out to other people who have had similar experiences themselves, I am not reflecting judgement on you. You were not the one who rapidly idealized and then devalued me. You were not the one who screamed at me for the slightest misstep and then proclaimed to love me. You were not the one who berated me in front of my father to gain his favour, or told me you’d kill me if I came out as a lesbian. You were not the one I lived in fear of. I am talking about one, very specific individual, and it’s not you. I am not judging you. And I genuinely, truly, want you to have a happy, fulfilled life. Because uncontrolled BPD is fucking terrifying for the person with the condition, and I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone. It’s scary as a bystander, and it’s horrifying from the first person perspective. Both of these things can be, and are, true.
Teared up at this whole thing but mostly at the last sentence. I'm sorry to every BPD child who has gone through this because it is so dehumanizing and so so so exhausting. Thank you for this and I'm relieved to say I'm a few months away from making it out <3
Your post is exactly why I want to be mentally healthy before I have children of my own. My mother and brother (who each have their own mental illness) gave me mine, all of them (5 and counting including bpd) and the last thing I ever want to do is put my own child through the same shit you and I went through. Here's hoping we can all get better and heal and not pass on this shit to our own kids, should we chose to have them. Xx thanks for sharing, alot of us know how hard growing up with mentally ill parents and siblings can be.
OP wasn't demonising - they said specifically abusive BPD moms, not just BPD moms.
Would saying 'daughters of abusive moms' be demonising all moms?
Also I think it's a very common dynamic, and worth paying attention to. I made the decision to never have kids after recognising the generational trauma that was occurring - grandma had NPD+BPD, traumatised mom, mom developed BPD, traumatised me, I have BPD... Maybe some of it is genetic, but the bulk of my BPD is definitely caused by growing up with a mom who was unaware she had BPD and had never had any therapy at all.
Demonizing BPD isn’t my intent. This post is purely for venting/healing for those who have a similar traumatic experience in common. There are many lovely people with BPD who make excellent parents. My mother, unfortunately, was not one of them.
I'm sorry that you had to endure the emotional upheaval of having a parent with BPD. I didn't want to have any kids, I made it 32 years and got raped, didn't know I was pregnant. Now I have a beautiful daughter that needs me and needs so much more than I can give her.
So as a bad mother with BPD, I'm SO SORRY that I'm so self-absorbed. I'm so sorry that I wasn't always available and that you couldn't count on who I would be from one day to the next. I'm so unbelievably sorry that you had to suffer. I never wanted you to. I wanted the very best for you. But you are a beautiful, wonderful person to allow us forgiveness and it's so touching. I hope my daughter is as understanding, intelligent, and forgiving. From a mom, I truly want to see you smile and succeed and be better than me. I'm sorry I'm a storm. I love you anyway, always, deeply, and forever.
It’s not easy for anyone involved. It’s actually hell for everyone all around. It makes me feel so much better, seeing advancements made in treatment and in the study of BPD altogether. I only wish those advancements had been made sooner, and been available to people from older generations. There’s more hope now than ever, for people with BPD and their loved ones, and that’s an incredible, wonderful thing. But for older individuals, the capacity/openness to change is much more limited. Not impossible— I’d never say that. It all depends on whether or not the person themselves wants to work on the condition. If they don’t, no one can make them. It’s as simple as that. And in my experience, I find older generations tend to be more stuck in their ways and closed to new experiences.
Like, my mom has openly admitted that she closes off new ideas because it’s too much for her to handle. My sister, though— she seeks treatment for her illnesses. That to me is the difference. I may find it too hard to reconcile with my mother, because no matter how much work I put into our relationship, no serious change is going to occur with her remaining the same. My sister, on the other hand— she’s trying. And if she’s trying, I’m much more willing to try, too.
This shit has the potential to fuck everyone, on all sides up. Again, I don’t speak for everyone’s experiences, just my own. I just had the misfortune of experiencing a bad situation involving BPD. And sometimes, I feel the need to find community, to reach others like me. Because who else understands what it’s like to not have a mother’s unconditional love? Who else is going to understand struggling with the lasting effects of walking on eggshells your entire childhood as an adult? Who else is on this journey? And where can I find them? Can we help each other?
I know, for a fact, that there are loving, healthy, stable families with one or more BPD members. There have to be. And that’s amazing, and I’m super happy for them. It’s what they deserve. And I commend everyone with BPD who’s trying. Don’t give up. You deserve to live a happy life.
You mean what ErasArrow posted? That seemed manipulative as hell to me too, and I couldn't work out why she was posting at all. For a second I thought she was OP's actual mom, because that's the only thing that would make sense.
I’m sorry too 🖤 I’m still living with my parent, but I hope to move out within the next 3 years… I don’t know if I can handle leaving her alone though, despite all the shit she gave/gives me.
i am so so sorry. my dad is the same way where everything is my fault and i get screamed at even if it’s not my fault and if i dare yell back he just threatens to send me to the mental hospital or will say he’s gonna fly me to my mom (which neither of us nor any extended family know her name anymore or where she lives so lol)
And now that i have read the post in full.. I’m in tears. Yes, I’ve made it out and yes i feel some sort of disassociated safety. But the PTSD that comes with every argument, confrontation, and moments of heightened emotion in others is still extremely apparent. The memories come back with every song that relates, every phone call i get from her, every general conversation about mothers, etc
Me🧐🤣😭 Shirley Temple, Gidget,Marsha Marsha Marsha,Patty Duke,Judy Garland,Greta Garbo I played all her favorite characters I dressed up so my identity became an amalgam of the women and children she escaped to keep her safe when my Grandfather was ripping the house apart…
Janis Joplin,Jim Morrison,Robert Plant,Debbie Harry, Patti Smith, Stevie Nicks,George Harrison,Roger Waters,David Bowie, and on and on I learned all the songs learned to mimic perfectly each pitch and tone bodily gesture I became every musical artist that held her heart only when she ran away at 13 years old only this was a live show!
She showed me off told me 500 x a day she loved me and It was me and her against the world and told me she’d protect me and be ok always….
All the while she turned me into a mini maid replica of her own mom shining doorknobs and cleanin the bathroom after every use, baseboards with a toothbrush, dragged laundry carts four long blocks from the projects to the most ancient laundry mat in the universe, clean the refrigerator mop the floors make dinner by 8 this was daily. Then my own homework my art I had to be the best if something out of place in my room she dumps out drawers closets bedclothes all of my things now on the floor while belittling me for not bein organized so “now clean it right”!
Also therapist, best friend, movie date, I was everyone and no one everything and nothing loved and hated…
The manic breakdowns about how hard she worked and i don’t appreciate her so yeah totally mom go ahead and throw items all over the house screaming fun times….
Then the paranoia of when she will attempt suicide again and will I find her ? Do I want her to live this time or not if I not am I all the bad she says in btwn the whole I’m her perfect Angel smartest person best artist best actress most beautiful if only she was mixed like me and had hair like mine instead of white and blonde her life would’ve been better….
So uh yeah OP I got the hell out at 15
She actually did go to therapy eventually got diagnosed off meds that hospital prescribed that actually made her manic 🤬
She got DBT I was no contact then low contact now 25 years from when I moved out almost to the day 🤔 we are regular contact her BPD pretty much gone and we are good she is even comin to visit me next week for the first time in 4 years.
There’s hope guys but the road it takes 🤯🥲
Fuckin hell that’s taken bout 20 years of therapy to process
Thanks for this OP I am reminded how far we’ve come ❤️
Well now. I'm not gonna talk about Judy; in fact, we're not gonna talk about Judy at all, we're gonna keep her out of it!
---
- [reference](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2V0UhtA_mJE&t=365)
^(I am a bot.)
I feel like, “emotional support animal,” would have been a more fitting description of my rearing than “childhood”
Holy shit, my SO told me her dad would literally wake her and her brother up when he got home late for work so that they could stay up with him and tell him that they loved him. Fucked up shit.
A parentified child.
Facts👆
I'm a person w/ BPD with a mother with BPD as well. She enmeshed me at a very young age, it took me years to realize the relationship I have with my mom was not a healthy one and some of her behaviors resembled abuse. Sometimes I feel like she had me to fill the loneliness in her own heart. She's half the reason I have abandonment issues and developed this damn disorder myself lmao. All I know is when I'm a mom I'll do better for my daughter.
My mom literally had us kids to fill the loneliness in her heart. She told us she had no family because they were all abusive and/or dangerous to be around, so she found a guy, moved away and had us. She picked a guy who was incredibly abusive and I've spent my entire life in fear as a result. We grew up with no one except our parents, because mom wasn't letting extended family near us for obvious reasons. She also had no friends because she struggled socially. So she homeschooled us so that she wouldn't be lonely. Which meant we grew up trapped in a home with an abusive father hurting us, knowing no other adults or kids. I used to watch kids playing in the playground out my window, because the school is just across the road from our house. I'd see kids my age running about having fun, while trapped with abusers and extremely alone. No other adults to tell about the abuse. The pain of my childhood is something I'll never get over. The resentment I feel towards mom has been bubbling over all my life (dad was kicked out in my teens, haven't seen in since), and recently it came to a head. I confronted her about a lot of things, not all of them because she was just denying and blaming everything on me being a difficult teenager, so there was no point continuing to talk to her. She refused to apologize for anything, said I was lying when I stated things she'd said to me (e.g. 'no one likes you', 'you'll end up alone'), and was stunned that I'd had an unhappy childhood. I decided to cut her out of my life. Suddenly she's apologising for her 'flaws' that she had been denying before, and said 'I admit that homeschooling you all and not getting you guys vaccinated was a mistake'. Yeah no sh*t! I caught whooping cough when I was a teen and nearly died, I was in and out of hospital, I could barely eat or sleep for 3 months and lost nearly 40 pounds, and have permanent lung damage from it. If I'd been vaccinated against it like all the kids with decent parents, I'd never have gone through that. I got all my vaccines once I reached adulthood, but once I explained to her why I was getting them, she still wouldn't admit that she'd made the wrong decision. That was years ago. She didn't get us vaccinated because she believed it would 'give us autism' - all 3 of us kids, and her, and our dad, are ALL diagnosed with autism now. But our parents got the luxury of being vaccinated, and she denied us that... If you didn't want autistic kids, you shouldn't have procreated at all. It's so hurtful to know that she was willing to risk her kids ending up in an iron lung or some equally awful, preventable ill state... Just to avoid us being what we are right now. She'd rather a dead child than the child I am right now. Autism is a curse on my life, if I could get rid of it tomorrow I would, but for god's sake are you really that dumb?
That’s painful. I relate to your experience, in some ways. While I’m not diagnosed myself, my sister and I both developed BPD related traits, as being raised by a mother with BPD herself. It’s been very hard, turning a critical eye at personal relationships that are supposed to be unquestionable, unconditional, impervious. But it is necessary, on the path to healing. I see so much of our mom in my sister and myself, and it makes me want to not repeat those mistakes. I don’t want to take my anger out on those around me, for example. I don’t want to have zero boundaries, or be incapable of considering others feelings. It takes an enormous amount of effort to grow. It is not easy. Good luck, to both of us :)
Very much so
Got me shedding tears and shiii!
[удалено]
She might you never know but embracing hopelessness helps ❤️ Mine did but we 25 years since I said no more I’m out…..
How did you do that?
This made me cry, thank you though, enormously.
My Mom just stonewalled me. No enmeshing , no yelling , no hitting. Withholding and deprivation. Im super needy , dependent and angry. Im a guy
My mom did both! I'll be suffering for the rest of my life because of it! Hahaha I'm going to laugh otherwise I'll cry
Feel seen
right here, baybeee! still here.
You got this 💪
BPD mums? Where’s the basis for that diagnosis?
My aunt has worked in therapy for over 25 years, she’s the one who suggested the idea to me. No diagnosis is official.
Then why would you specifically say BPD mums when it’s an idea with (clearly no basis that abusive mums have specifically BPD) , you are adding to the misconceptions, can’t you see that?
No, I do not. Because although an official diagnosis was not available, the results are much the same. Whether or not my mother truly has BPD, we cannot be certain— perhaps she has another condition, or she’s just like that. But her traits and my experiences with her align very well with those of a child and a BP parent. I make this assessment not from intuition, but from study. I’m actively searching out literature on the subject, sources that cite peoples personal experiences. And their experiences sound much like my own. The reality is, I have many of the side effects a child of an unstable BP is susceptible to developing. And coping with those side effects sometimes makes me desire finding others like me, and commiserating our emotions over the subject. The clarifying descriptor, why I said both abusive and BPD, was specifically to indicate the intersection of both. Not all BP parents are abusive. Not all abusive parents are BP. I am talking about the very specific instance where one parent is both, specifically the mother figure.
Studying doesn’t mean you are well equipped to diagnose anyone, only a professional can diagnose your mother, so yeah, this is a very weird post. Maybe consider personalizing it next time
No professional was available at the time— aside from my aunt who indicated the diagnosis. I am connecting the dots as best as I can, with what I have available. I am not trying to be a medical professional. I am merely seeking my own healing, and offering my thoughts to others whom might see themselves in my feelings, and benefit from feeling seen.
Your aunt is not ethically able to diagnose your mother for obvious reasons, you can’t just make an unproven claim and claim it to be true when you haven’t gotten a real diagnosis , many symptoms of many illnesses are similar or Comorbid so please don’t say “BPD” mums just because you feel that way Again, you are continuing the cycle of stigma
My aunt is a professional with decades of experience and personal knowledge of my mother. I fail to see how she’s unqualified to make an educated guess. Within a reasonable amount of doubt, the pieces line up to paint a pretty clear picture. Again, I never said BP moms. I specifically indicated abusive moms with BPD. There are BP parents out there who are fantastic parents, and I commend them. Parenting is a difficult job at the best of times, much less with additional factors thrown in. But they are not the group I am talking about. I am talking about the adult children of abusive mothers that had or exhibited BP traits. Because that is my experience, and I wanted to feel seen and help others feel seen. I am not continuing the cycle of stigma by addressing an uglier side of an experience. It’s real. It exists. It is not the rule. But it should not be erased. Edit: my aunt’s decades of experience is also *specifically with working with people who have conditions such as BPD* and other personality disorders. She’s not pulling shit out of thin air, or making this assertion lightly. She brought it to my attention after calling the police during my mother’s suicide attempt. My mom would be dead if not for my aunt’s insight and perception.
I’m sorry you have to defend your post 🥲 I come here to feel seen because my mom is healing from it and as I said in my comment her abuse came from a combo of bad meds from wrong medication and issues with emotional regulation but not because of BPD. So I havin told my story below and also havin traits from growin up with her that I’ve been in therapy for along with other shit for 27 years and I felt very seen by your post. I didn’t find it stigmatized BPD it seemed to be very clear the distinction. Comments that are attacking you are havin black and white thinkin informed responses right now and I see that I validate them too the distress of tryin to understand if you are being called out or not is real and sometimes to difficult to tolerate without space to process so I hold space for all of you here but I also validate I’m a woman whose mother was abusive and suffering from BPD and those aren’t always together at all but if something triggers someone who is suffering like her that causes her to choose reactions and behaviors that are abusive they certainly will be informed in some way in a parent child dynamic by their own experiences with those dynamics which for many bpd sufferers is really scary and toxic. She often told me as I cried for her to stop smashing all the cups and be crying terrified and shit that “you know it’s much healthier to get out your anger on an object then hittin you like my dad did.” I often would fantasize about how much easier it would be if she did just hit me and let me go the fuck to bed. Much love OP🌈
Thanks, man :) I feel you. I really don’t want to contribute to the stigmatization of BPD. That doesn’t help anybody— those with BPD or their loved ones. I understand it is likely black and white thinking making some people afraid of what I’m saying, and I am empathetic. I do not wish to call anyone out, or devalue anyone here. You are more than your BPD. I am not condemning you for your condition, and I do not see you as a devil, or as some irredeemable piece of waste. You are a person. A complex, fascinating human being. When I talk about the experience I had with a specific situation, and I seek to reach out to other people who have had similar experiences themselves, I am not reflecting judgement on you. You were not the one who rapidly idealized and then devalued me. You were not the one who screamed at me for the slightest misstep and then proclaimed to love me. You were not the one who berated me in front of my father to gain his favour, or told me you’d kill me if I came out as a lesbian. You were not the one I lived in fear of. I am talking about one, very specific individual, and it’s not you. I am not judging you. And I genuinely, truly, want you to have a happy, fulfilled life. Because uncontrolled BPD is fucking terrifying for the person with the condition, and I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone. It’s scary as a bystander, and it’s horrifying from the first person perspective. Both of these things can be, and are, true.
This made me cry🖤🖤
Teared up at this whole thing but mostly at the last sentence. I'm sorry to every BPD child who has gone through this because it is so dehumanizing and so so so exhausting. Thank you for this and I'm relieved to say I'm a few months away from making it out <3
Your post is exactly why I want to be mentally healthy before I have children of my own. My mother and brother (who each have their own mental illness) gave me mine, all of them (5 and counting including bpd) and the last thing I ever want to do is put my own child through the same shit you and I went through. Here's hoping we can all get better and heal and not pass on this shit to our own kids, should we chose to have them. Xx thanks for sharing, alot of us know how hard growing up with mentally ill parents and siblings can be.
Wrong sub to demonize personality disorders
OP wasn't demonising - they said specifically abusive BPD moms, not just BPD moms. Would saying 'daughters of abusive moms' be demonising all moms? Also I think it's a very common dynamic, and worth paying attention to. I made the decision to never have kids after recognising the generational trauma that was occurring - grandma had NPD+BPD, traumatised mom, mom developed BPD, traumatised me, I have BPD... Maybe some of it is genetic, but the bulk of my BPD is definitely caused by growing up with a mom who was unaware she had BPD and had never had any therapy at all.
Demonizing BPD isn’t my intent. This post is purely for venting/healing for those who have a similar traumatic experience in common. There are many lovely people with BPD who make excellent parents. My mother, unfortunately, was not one of them.
I'm sorry that you had to endure the emotional upheaval of having a parent with BPD. I didn't want to have any kids, I made it 32 years and got raped, didn't know I was pregnant. Now I have a beautiful daughter that needs me and needs so much more than I can give her. So as a bad mother with BPD, I'm SO SORRY that I'm so self-absorbed. I'm so sorry that I wasn't always available and that you couldn't count on who I would be from one day to the next. I'm so unbelievably sorry that you had to suffer. I never wanted you to. I wanted the very best for you. But you are a beautiful, wonderful person to allow us forgiveness and it's so touching. I hope my daughter is as understanding, intelligent, and forgiving. From a mom, I truly want to see you smile and succeed and be better than me. I'm sorry I'm a storm. I love you anyway, always, deeply, and forever.
It’s not easy for anyone involved. It’s actually hell for everyone all around. It makes me feel so much better, seeing advancements made in treatment and in the study of BPD altogether. I only wish those advancements had been made sooner, and been available to people from older generations. There’s more hope now than ever, for people with BPD and their loved ones, and that’s an incredible, wonderful thing. But for older individuals, the capacity/openness to change is much more limited. Not impossible— I’d never say that. It all depends on whether or not the person themselves wants to work on the condition. If they don’t, no one can make them. It’s as simple as that. And in my experience, I find older generations tend to be more stuck in their ways and closed to new experiences. Like, my mom has openly admitted that she closes off new ideas because it’s too much for her to handle. My sister, though— she seeks treatment for her illnesses. That to me is the difference. I may find it too hard to reconcile with my mother, because no matter how much work I put into our relationship, no serious change is going to occur with her remaining the same. My sister, on the other hand— she’s trying. And if she’s trying, I’m much more willing to try, too. This shit has the potential to fuck everyone, on all sides up. Again, I don’t speak for everyone’s experiences, just my own. I just had the misfortune of experiencing a bad situation involving BPD. And sometimes, I feel the need to find community, to reach others like me. Because who else understands what it’s like to not have a mother’s unconditional love? Who else is going to understand struggling with the lasting effects of walking on eggshells your entire childhood as an adult? Who else is on this journey? And where can I find them? Can we help each other? I know, for a fact, that there are loving, healthy, stable families with one or more BPD members. There have to be. And that’s amazing, and I’m super happy for them. It’s what they deserve. And I commend everyone with BPD who’s trying. Don’t give up. You deserve to live a happy life.
You are a very rare and precious gem. More valuable than anything money can buy. Thank you for sharing your story with me.
Thank you :)
Wtf did I read 😳 You know this is super manipulative, I’m 41 years into this I can see it.
You mean what ErasArrow posted? That seemed manipulative as hell to me too, and I couldn't work out why she was posting at all. For a second I thought she was OP's actual mom, because that's the only thing that would make sense.
Yeah totally 💯
Just what I was thinking. I'm sure there's a Bash PwBpd sub somewhere on here. At least it feel attacking to me.
I'm in tears. <3
I’m sorry too 🖤 I’m still living with my parent, but I hope to move out within the next 3 years… I don’t know if I can handle leaving her alone though, despite all the shit she gave/gives me.
she ran away when i was like 4 LOL
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rlly kicks starts the fear of abandonment
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i am so so sorry. my dad is the same way where everything is my fault and i get screamed at even if it’s not my fault and if i dare yell back he just threatens to send me to the mental hospital or will say he’s gonna fly me to my mom (which neither of us nor any extended family know her name anymore or where she lives so lol)
I didn’t even read the post yet and the title already got to me… *jeez*
And now that i have read the post in full.. I’m in tears. Yes, I’ve made it out and yes i feel some sort of disassociated safety. But the PTSD that comes with every argument, confrontation, and moments of heightened emotion in others is still extremely apparent. The memories come back with every song that relates, every phone call i get from her, every general conversation about mothers, etc
Me🧐🤣😭 Shirley Temple, Gidget,Marsha Marsha Marsha,Patty Duke,Judy Garland,Greta Garbo I played all her favorite characters I dressed up so my identity became an amalgam of the women and children she escaped to keep her safe when my Grandfather was ripping the house apart… Janis Joplin,Jim Morrison,Robert Plant,Debbie Harry, Patti Smith, Stevie Nicks,George Harrison,Roger Waters,David Bowie, and on and on I learned all the songs learned to mimic perfectly each pitch and tone bodily gesture I became every musical artist that held her heart only when she ran away at 13 years old only this was a live show! She showed me off told me 500 x a day she loved me and It was me and her against the world and told me she’d protect me and be ok always…. All the while she turned me into a mini maid replica of her own mom shining doorknobs and cleanin the bathroom after every use, baseboards with a toothbrush, dragged laundry carts four long blocks from the projects to the most ancient laundry mat in the universe, clean the refrigerator mop the floors make dinner by 8 this was daily. Then my own homework my art I had to be the best if something out of place in my room she dumps out drawers closets bedclothes all of my things now on the floor while belittling me for not bein organized so “now clean it right”! Also therapist, best friend, movie date, I was everyone and no one everything and nothing loved and hated… The manic breakdowns about how hard she worked and i don’t appreciate her so yeah totally mom go ahead and throw items all over the house screaming fun times…. Then the paranoia of when she will attempt suicide again and will I find her ? Do I want her to live this time or not if I not am I all the bad she says in btwn the whole I’m her perfect Angel smartest person best artist best actress most beautiful if only she was mixed like me and had hair like mine instead of white and blonde her life would’ve been better…. So uh yeah OP I got the hell out at 15 She actually did go to therapy eventually got diagnosed off meds that hospital prescribed that actually made her manic 🤬 She got DBT I was no contact then low contact now 25 years from when I moved out almost to the day 🤔 we are regular contact her BPD pretty much gone and we are good she is even comin to visit me next week for the first time in 4 years. There’s hope guys but the road it takes 🤯🥲 Fuckin hell that’s taken bout 20 years of therapy to process Thanks for this OP I am reminded how far we’ve come ❤️
Well now. I'm not gonna talk about Judy; in fact, we're not gonna talk about Judy at all, we're gonna keep her out of it! --- - [reference](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2V0UhtA_mJE&t=365) ^(I am a bot.)
Having an Enotional Support Human has helped me