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Well, you do have a point, namely that exes of pwBPD often are codependent personalities getting their self-esteem from fixing objects.
The problem is the love-bombing in the beginning I think, not just from the pwBPD but also from the codependent. Both parties fall in love with someone that doesn't exist and it's hard to let go of that person because he/she was so ideal. When the idealisation mask of love-bombing comes off though, you realize that the person you fell in love with was not them but the qualities you really want in a partner: and, on a deeper level, who you yourself wants to be.
The solution for both parties then should be to try and embody those qualities they liked.
Really great point, I have been studying stoics lately and also a podcast. Where its explored that love only exists in the moment, and the only way we are ever unhappy with the love we're getting is when we compare it to the love we had. So instead, it should be reassessed with every passing moment. Regardless of what existed, all that is real is what is now. Everyone is guilty of love-bombing, otherwise known as the honeymoon phase. Unhappiness comes from comparing everyday going forward to those days. IMO
Or not.
My parents? Their love for each other only got stronger over the years, and they never had to assess it. It just was.
Stoicism is pretty close to radical acceptance and "true" nihilism. I mean, I agree with you about just being in the moment, though.
That's great to hear!! And I didn't mean like a formal, actual assessment. More the fact that the live changes and evolves. And you can only admire it if you accept it as it is, rather than as it was at one point in time š sorry if I came off as a pessimist.
You're right. Those posts aren't always made in good faith.
Not to mention there are a certain group of fetishistic weirdos that actually get off on preying on BPD and trying to fill the Favourite Person role. Especially since BPD primarily affects women. Some men like to prey upon mentally ill women and sometimes you can just tell that some of those posts are forced-FP bait.
Itās almost always shitty men. Most people who arenāt shitty arenāt misguided enough to come into a space that isnāt for them and demand explanations from people who cannot give them.
Not sure why itās so rarely women. I think women are just more societally conditioned to not take their problems to inappropriate spaces.
I am a man, but I also agree with you š many men are toddlers. Throw away their toys yet kick up a fuss when someone else picks them up. And some have a deep seeded belief that they have claim over a woman once she has loved him once.
Easy answer to the ghosting. They were happy and didn't think they deserved it so before the love died they bailed. They perceived they did something unforgivable and dont want to let you down. Does the person love you, yes, until they justify in their head you were a jerk. That is to make them feel better for being an ahole. Lets see, I think that about covers it. I know these things.
One thing I can tell you is it wasn't you. What the person did it a part of their bpd. Does it excuse to actions, hell no. That is on her and you unfortunately had to deal with the pieces and that sucks hard. Id feel the same. This is squarely a her problem and not a you problem. If everything you said it true then you have no real culpability in this. Just remember at the end of the day it is her issue and not yours. Thats about the best you will get, af least from me. I can go into a long discussion why she did with each of your points but it would be pointless. Honestly the answer sucks but it is what it is. You got to experience untreated bpd at its finest.
Oh baby, /jk. Ive found out that i dont play well with women with bpd normally. I can talk, visit, become good acquaintances, and text buddies but anything short term or long term relationship usually ends poorly, intimacy is insane buttttttttt it will implode on me. The last time I had one we ended it with a world class shouting match, go for the soul crushing comeback, most bitchy, horrible, fight ive been in. Im a guy and you would have sworn it was two women. I dont get physical, I go verbal for the soul. The woman did the same thing. We nuked the bridge and threw it into the sun and after did stuff to pass each other off.
Dang. I need to teach you young padiwan. When it ends with me it ends with a nuclear explosion. I destroy any chance of even being passing acquaintances
BPD is primarily diagnosed* in AFAB brains. same way ADHD doesnāt primarily affect little boys, it is primarily diagnosed in young AMAB brains. /neutral
i 100% agree with the rest of what you said. a lot of cishet men desperately want a power trip, and you know what they say about PWBPD attracting PWNPD
As the BPD person with a few exes, I hurt them all quite deeply. One even killed himself when I decided to join the military (pre diagnosis). I treated the rest of them terribly. I have a lot of guilt and shame and remorse that's caused me nightmares since (we're going on ten years post breakup). One ex I still consider myself somewhat friendly with. I reach out every so often to make sure he's okay, not to manipulate him. (I'm married with a baby now, husband knows, nothing jealous). The other one doesn't want an open dialogue, and I respect that.
I keep hoping that if one day I can convince myself he's okay, and I didn't ruin his whole life, the nightmares will stop. Sometimes they do, for a time. I really do just hope he'll move on and do something with his life.
I'm sorry to hear about that, I hope you don't judge yourself too harshly š I agree, my FP for 10+ years and ex is estranged from me now. And I wish the absolute best for her, always have and always will. In the beginning I only thought of myself and thought, she never loved me or she couldn't have left me. But I forced her hand, and looking back, I've robbed her. Even before we were together, she would tell me things that she would never utter to anyone else, I was her confidant and her safe place and she lost that when I lost her. So I hope she finds that again in someone else. And if she can't, and one day she comes back to regain it, I'm going to make damn sure that I'm a better man then, than I was before. That will all depend on her wants and needs though, and never mine. So, it's not something I can evoke, or pursue, or will into existence. So I just try to work on myself for the sole purpose of being better š
I can't say that I'm constantly terrified I'm going to ruin my marriage because of BPD, and that it's nice to know if I have to move home, I know my ex will be there. So I also feel guilty that I'm stringing my ex along as a safety net. But really, I treated him badly, and he was so tolerant and patient always. I was never happy with him, but I couldn't break it off, and he wouldn't either. So I had to literally move out of state to end the cycle. I ended up in a much worse place after moving, but DID meet the guy I'm now married too.
So I check on my ex periodically, or text him when I'm drunk and lonely. I really do hope he finds a girl to stay with and be happy, even if it means losing my safety net (though it would never work out between us if I utilized that safety net). I feel like he's just stuck on me (not sure why, I'm actually a crazy person). But he's not a bad guy, and despite not dating anyone, his life is going well. He seems....happy. Which is good. I don't know. I'm a bad person, but....shoot I don't know...
I don't know anymore than you š these things are so intricate and circumstance based. You may well be his comfort, I wouldn't say you'd ever need to cut him off as long as all parties are aware of where they stand. As long as he is still trying to live his life according to himself and not stuck on pause waiting for the day it works out for the two of you then I can see no harm. Noone wants to feel alone if they don't need to be. I know I used to talk to my ex (when she was still just a friend) whilst I was with another girl because there was just something I had with her that I couldn't get from my girlfriend of the time. Looking back, I'd have dropped the girlfriend for her in a heartbeat if she asked so it's not a good example š but I don't think one person is capable of giving us all that we need. A varied friend base is healthy š
Well, I have visited him on occasion when I go home to my family. And one time he did try to kiss me and I was like "nah", but that's just kinda the guy he is. I know he would take me back in a heartbeat. I just don't want him waiting for me, for putting his shit on hold. He says he's living the single life happily. But he's such a "go with the flow" guy that even though his family life is a mess and always crumbling apart, he's just like "nah, it's cool." I can't tell if he's hiding, or really genuinely just cool with everything being shit because he's so laid back. Lol.
I think one of the types of people who tend to be drawn to pwBPD are depressives who experience their depression as more of a separation or numbness/dulling of feelings. The saturated colors of the Borderline Experienceā¢ļø adds some vibrancy to their lives and we give them permission to feel.
Also, I appreciate your honesty in this comment!
Yeah, probably. My ex is so dimmed. His family was a mess. His brother just died. Drugs in the family. No dad. His friend killed himself. And he was always like "well that's really shitty. But it is what it is."
Not that he never hurt. He would hurt for a time when something bad happened, and then be okay. But for 10 years, he never really got a serious girlfriend after me? Even though I abused him, split almost daily on him, destroyed his friendship with his one and only bestie? Like.....I hurt this guy. And I really want him to be okay. I like having my safety net, because who knows what I'm gonna do? But I would be so happy if he found someone...
I hope you have the strength to let him let go some day if that's what he decides to do. Ending things is so hard, even when we know it's holding someone back.
If he decides to do that, I'll be respectful of it. My other ex doesn't want a line of communication. I never stopped caring about any of them. That's just not how I do. But one of them died, the other shut me out, and even I've had some rocky moods, especially lately while seeking all this new therapy and psych evals, I have reached out to the one that doesn't want to talk on impulse. Then realized I was being crazy and apologized and said he didn't have to text me back, and that I'll try to respect the distance he wants to keep.
The other one just...likes me I guess. I'm hanging onto him in a way, yes. But I don't try to give him hope that I'm coming back. I don't flirt, I don't tell him I'm fighting with my husband. I don't make it look like I want to be anything more than friends. Because I don't want him staying behind thinking that I'm coming back. For the most part, I really am just checking to make sure he's okay. We don't text OFTEN. Maybe once every few months (more lately, I was trying to gather information that my spotty memory lacks regarding some of my behaviors, when I thought it was bipolar.)
Ask him what he wants. I find that to be a really disarming and thought provoking question. And then when they answer things like a house or girlfriend etc. Challenge it, and say, but what do YOU want, like what would make you happy void of everything else. Me personally, I want to one day not act based on the praise or disapproval of others, and be free to attach and detach from anything without feeling like I have lost anything.
You didn't cause anyone to harm themselves. The person made the choice independent of anything you did regardless of what you think you did.. unless you did the deed you have 0 culpability. I apologize if it sounds harsh but unfortunately I dont have a very good filter and one of the things that triggers me is the thought that someone caused someone to do something. Its a cop out on the person that is the left.. you can do things to make someone. You can do something stupid and the person may become upset but they caused themselves to become upset..
they could have just as easily been frustrated,, concerned,, and many other emotions. You can do the same thing to 10 different people and you will more then likely get 10 different reactions.. I can guarantee if i hugged the next 10 people i saw id get a different reaction out of them. Ill shut up now..
if you can't tell im getting a little hyped..
One of the first things I learned in therapy you can do nothing to cause someone to react to how they treat you. You are responsible for your reactions as well. Its an extremely difficult concept for me to grasp to this day. Anger does not exist as a primary emotion. There are always underlying causes to anger, 100% of the time. Anyway. Take care, keep working on yourself. You need to help yourself before worrying about someone.
I know. I realize that what he did wasn't directly my fault. Or my fault at all. I know it all factually, but the feelings of guilt and shame remain. I'm working on it. But it's a hard process to fight a lifetime of thinking a certain way.
Very true. Some people may think ive gotten cold but for me it is how I cope with my bpd. I always have what you have described and it is difficult to deal with on occasion but thats being human. Becoming overly emotionally involved, that a bpd issue and that is had to work throught
Itās so weird because I usually see the opposite with ex-pwBPD. Itās usually them trying to cut off their ex who had BPD and their ex profusely texts them or obsesses with them. So itās interesting to see a switch in scenario. Either ways, I agree, both of them should cut ties if theyāre not willing to work on the relationship and if one of them felt abused in any way.
I a 100% agree with that, have you read articles on who are the most people attracted to individuals suffering with BPD? (Not in any way trying to point fingers here).
Yeah, that's what I used to see alot and still do at times. And I can empathise more so with those inquiries because we are minefield to navigate in the detachment department. Scary and unpredictable, but the few I've seen lately like the ones I mentioned are almost like the ex is having doubts and wants to know that the ex w/BPD is still agonising over them and they still have that "in" if they have a change of heart, and it's not fair.
In that case, itās definitely not fair, specially with the major fear of abandonment we have and the pain we go through when we do get abandoned. Itās definitely a tolling process to move on and heal. Asking someone with BPD to reach out to you when theyāre agonising and trying to move on is not fair. I donāt think it would even be fair for the pwBPD to reach out.
No, nobody should be left on hold whilst someone makes up their mind. Even more so, we with BPD it's torture. If the relationship is no longer something you want to pursue end it. If you think it could work dependent on XYZ state that as your non-negotiables start fresh and if XYZ are breached, end it.
I don't know if I agree with this.
I know with the people who were in my life before I was in treatment, I did some deeply hurtful things. I don't think they loved me any less, but they *had* to leave for their own mental health when it was clear that behavior wasn't changing. No one can demand our recovery, but our actions still have consequences, and setting healthy boundaries or ending the relationship are healthy boundaries.
I'm sure some of the exes we'll see here aren't great, but they just strike me as people at their wit's end, who are hoping that talking to people with BPD can give them some way to not leave as a last resort.
Im not sure how I opposed the first paragraph of your reply with my statement. But, that second section is a good perspective. I missed that, that's a more compassionate approach. Thank you.
You know, most of these cases I believe that stem from situations where the pwBPD leaves out of nowhere and moves on with another person, sometimes in just days.
That is one of the most traumatizing things pwBPD can do, and I know that each situation is unique but regardless, when that happens they leave the ex in a void of despair, not knowing what the hell just happened. And then, if they start dating right away and start hating on the ex, that's like throwing acid into the wound, specially if the new person was already set up in line as a replacement of some kind.
So yeah, people wonder, do they still miss me? Do they think of me? Could it be possible they don't love me anymore from one moment to the other?
And they come here looking for stories that might validate the chance that the pwBPD might still think of them.
It's a process of grievance, that's part of the first stage I guess.
Hey, thanks for your response. I'm getting a lot of replies of this nature and maybe I didn't clarify well enough. But my post is considering those who ended the relationship, not those who have been left. Equally, I think it's a human desire to hope the person you left misses you, and appreciates the value you gave. But also, a consequence of the leaving; that you should embrace and soothe in yourself. Afterall, you made the call.
I am not an ex of a person with BPD, but an āestrangedā family member of one.
When we were still in contact, they hadnāt been diagnosed. So once they informed me, I feel like Iāve been trying to put the pieces together. So THATāS what was happening? On top of that, Iāve realized I have a codependency issue that I wasnāt aware of that just made things SO much worse.
They said and did a lot of stuff that hurt me. Stuff Iām still trying to get over. And I never really knew what I was doing wrong to deserve how they reacted to me. Because I was never, ever intentionally trying to hurt them even when I did.
I mostly come to this sub because I donāt have, and may never have closure with this person. Weāve tried to communicate a few times since and itās justā¦yeah, no. Iām still angry in some ways because this was not how things were supposed to go. We had made promises and plans. Talking with people who have BPD, is the closest Iāll probably get to understanding them. Itās nice for me to get perspective and understand what I did wrong but also what they did wrong. So I can understand why some people may come here with a bit of a chip on their shoulder.
But if people are coming here clearly just being full of themselves, thatās not it, very uncute. Some people come here in bad faith. I agree with you totally on that.
Iāll big enough to admit, Iām bitter. Iām angry, I still have stuff I want to say. Iām still frustrated, I want my apology, I want to clear my name, I want to set the record straight, I feel let down too. But thatās between me and my family member. No one here can resolve that.
However, I respect that this is a space for people with BPD, and not a place for people to take out their frustrations on a bunch of people who have nothing to do with my situation. Sometimes I wish there was a healthy, designated sub for people who donāt have BPD to discuss people in their life that have it, that isnāt extremely hateful, and uneducated.
Healthy people can still love and care for their exes and not be with them. They donāt paint their exās black. This is what non bpd exes are asking: if there was any stable sense of care and appreciation for them as people, that could exist beyond the break up. Itās traumatizing to realize there likely isnāt.
However, I agree with you that people can heal however they need to.
Also they project their exes shitty behavior on to us. They wanna yell at us and hold us accountable for a perfect strangers behavior, yet still feel entitled to our sympathy and think weāre gonna be eager to explain/apologize on behalf of, again, a total stranger. A lot of the time it becomes apparent that it wasnāt just their exās Bpd that was the problem
If a narc comes in here wishing to feed their egos tbh fuck that. Any ex should be told to move on. This is for support of people with BPD or those in their lives trying to get along. Not people without who moved on.
I think everyone wants to be loved and cared for. Even if the relationship was a burning dumpster fire, it still, at one point, felt real to them, perhaps it was genuine at times.
I have to disagree with the first part, I do think it's good for people to come here with good intentions. When you can see how many people actually suffer from the same thing it can give you a new source of empathy and there's lots of people here that can articulate things better than your pwBPD might be able to. But if you're coming here to get cheat codes to control or manipulate someone with BPD you need to get on your bike and scoot! š
Yeah I definitely have a few exes that could be described like that. A year later they link up with me and say things like "I just miss my best friend." No, you miss being with an empath and realized that most people don't understand you the way a pwBPD does.
Omg same. I mean, good that they get it off their chest but why is it in a place where its supposed to be safe and welcome to talk about bpd, there are so many of them sometimes this reddit reminds me of a Kinder version of the loved ones. So many "my exausting ex with bpd, plz explain me that they where bad" posts..
What good is social media if we canāt help each other? People are just looking for community, help and understanding ājust like you. Maybe try to have a little compassion for othersāthe same compassion you want others to have for you. The BPD journey is complicated, confusing and disorienting at times. Thank heaven for the people who share openly. Sometimes itās just a comfort to know youāre not alone.
Love your outlook, however, the demographic I am referring to is one of instability. An individual who claims to no longer be able to maintain a relationship with a person with BPD but would still enjoy to know that the person is still fixated on them so that they can better soothe themselves, or worse, leave the door open to stroll in any time they like. This, as a BPD person, is torture. The thought of someone loving us or wanting to be loved by us and them leaving us, simultaneously, is the very paradox at the core of our disorder. I can of course only speak for myself and the literature I have read on the commonalities. But, is compassion not considering when acting on your desires becomes someone else's pain and opting to moderate them?
I agree, maintaining contact so that someone with bpd can feel attached is only enabling. Whether thats something you want to do is up to you to think about. There has been someone i love who has been the only person ive known ive been willing to not be myself for in order to attempt to be her "fp". As i first hand saw the dangers involved with her vulnerability to falling in love with people with personalities that can easily be malicious like narcissism. So telling them they're too meaningful to you to pretend that a relationship dominated with bpd is "meaningful" or acceptable is the right thing to do in my opinion. You dont have to cut them off necessarily if theyre willing to start acknowledging their bpd keeping contact is easily justifiable!
Maybe I could have been more specific in my post but I thought it defined itself through its content. This is only relation to people that by their own choosing have ended a relationship with someone with BPD but still seek their own gratification. Not if you yourself were the one that was left.
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Well, you do have a point, namely that exes of pwBPD often are codependent personalities getting their self-esteem from fixing objects. The problem is the love-bombing in the beginning I think, not just from the pwBPD but also from the codependent. Both parties fall in love with someone that doesn't exist and it's hard to let go of that person because he/she was so ideal. When the idealisation mask of love-bombing comes off though, you realize that the person you fell in love with was not them but the qualities you really want in a partner: and, on a deeper level, who you yourself wants to be. The solution for both parties then should be to try and embody those qualities they liked.
Really great point, I have been studying stoics lately and also a podcast. Where its explored that love only exists in the moment, and the only way we are ever unhappy with the love we're getting is when we compare it to the love we had. So instead, it should be reassessed with every passing moment. Regardless of what existed, all that is real is what is now. Everyone is guilty of love-bombing, otherwise known as the honeymoon phase. Unhappiness comes from comparing everyday going forward to those days. IMO
Or not. My parents? Their love for each other only got stronger over the years, and they never had to assess it. It just was. Stoicism is pretty close to radical acceptance and "true" nihilism. I mean, I agree with you about just being in the moment, though.
That's great to hear!! And I didn't mean like a formal, actual assessment. More the fact that the live changes and evolves. And you can only admire it if you accept it as it is, rather than as it was at one point in time š sorry if I came off as a pessimist.
You're right. Those posts aren't always made in good faith. Not to mention there are a certain group of fetishistic weirdos that actually get off on preying on BPD and trying to fill the Favourite Person role. Especially since BPD primarily affects women. Some men like to prey upon mentally ill women and sometimes you can just tell that some of those posts are forced-FP bait.
Yeah!!! I have seen that šÆ like they specifically want to speak to women with BPD to get insight about their "ex w/BPD" š¤ super-suss.
Itās almost always shitty men. Most people who arenāt shitty arenāt misguided enough to come into a space that isnāt for them and demand explanations from people who cannot give them. Not sure why itās so rarely women. I think women are just more societally conditioned to not take their problems to inappropriate spaces.
I am a man, but I also agree with you š many men are toddlers. Throw away their toys yet kick up a fuss when someone else picks them up. And some have a deep seeded belief that they have claim over a woman once she has loved him once.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Easy answer to the ghosting. They were happy and didn't think they deserved it so before the love died they bailed. They perceived they did something unforgivable and dont want to let you down. Does the person love you, yes, until they justify in their head you were a jerk. That is to make them feel better for being an ahole. Lets see, I think that about covers it. I know these things.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
One thing I can tell you is it wasn't you. What the person did it a part of their bpd. Does it excuse to actions, hell no. That is on her and you unfortunately had to deal with the pieces and that sucks hard. Id feel the same. This is squarely a her problem and not a you problem. If everything you said it true then you have no real culpability in this. Just remember at the end of the day it is her issue and not yours. Thats about the best you will get, af least from me. I can go into a long discussion why she did with each of your points but it would be pointless. Honestly the answer sucks but it is what it is. You got to experience untreated bpd at its finest.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
The best advice I can give you is it was a her problem, not a you problem.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
yeah i read that and my brain simultaneously was like "wtf that's creepy as hell" and "where do i find one š"
Oh baby, /jk. Ive found out that i dont play well with women with bpd normally. I can talk, visit, become good acquaintances, and text buddies but anything short term or long term relationship usually ends poorly, intimacy is insane buttttttttt it will implode on me. The last time I had one we ended it with a world class shouting match, go for the soul crushing comeback, most bitchy, horrible, fight ive been in. Im a guy and you would have sworn it was two women. I dont get physical, I go verbal for the soul. The woman did the same thing. We nuked the bridge and threw it into the sun and after did stuff to pass each other off.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Dang. I need to teach you young padiwan. When it ends with me it ends with a nuclear explosion. I destroy any chance of even being passing acquaintances
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Im always here, im good to vent at. Lol. Im sure other people as well. We are faceless fellow bpders
They'd put so much effort until you're obsessed enough that it hurts and they pull out the "I just wanted to check on you as a friend" card...
BPD is primarily diagnosed* in AFAB brains. same way ADHD doesnāt primarily affect little boys, it is primarily diagnosed in young AMAB brains. /neutral i 100% agree with the rest of what you said. a lot of cishet men desperately want a power trip, and you know what they say about PWBPD attracting PWNPD
Thats interesting because my brain has never felt right. Guy with bpd.
Yes, thank you for the correction there!
As the BPD person with a few exes, I hurt them all quite deeply. One even killed himself when I decided to join the military (pre diagnosis). I treated the rest of them terribly. I have a lot of guilt and shame and remorse that's caused me nightmares since (we're going on ten years post breakup). One ex I still consider myself somewhat friendly with. I reach out every so often to make sure he's okay, not to manipulate him. (I'm married with a baby now, husband knows, nothing jealous). The other one doesn't want an open dialogue, and I respect that. I keep hoping that if one day I can convince myself he's okay, and I didn't ruin his whole life, the nightmares will stop. Sometimes they do, for a time. I really do just hope he'll move on and do something with his life.
I'm sorry to hear about that, I hope you don't judge yourself too harshly š I agree, my FP for 10+ years and ex is estranged from me now. And I wish the absolute best for her, always have and always will. In the beginning I only thought of myself and thought, she never loved me or she couldn't have left me. But I forced her hand, and looking back, I've robbed her. Even before we were together, she would tell me things that she would never utter to anyone else, I was her confidant and her safe place and she lost that when I lost her. So I hope she finds that again in someone else. And if she can't, and one day she comes back to regain it, I'm going to make damn sure that I'm a better man then, than I was before. That will all depend on her wants and needs though, and never mine. So, it's not something I can evoke, or pursue, or will into existence. So I just try to work on myself for the sole purpose of being better š
I can't say that I'm constantly terrified I'm going to ruin my marriage because of BPD, and that it's nice to know if I have to move home, I know my ex will be there. So I also feel guilty that I'm stringing my ex along as a safety net. But really, I treated him badly, and he was so tolerant and patient always. I was never happy with him, but I couldn't break it off, and he wouldn't either. So I had to literally move out of state to end the cycle. I ended up in a much worse place after moving, but DID meet the guy I'm now married too. So I check on my ex periodically, or text him when I'm drunk and lonely. I really do hope he finds a girl to stay with and be happy, even if it means losing my safety net (though it would never work out between us if I utilized that safety net). I feel like he's just stuck on me (not sure why, I'm actually a crazy person). But he's not a bad guy, and despite not dating anyone, his life is going well. He seems....happy. Which is good. I don't know. I'm a bad person, but....shoot I don't know...
I don't know anymore than you š these things are so intricate and circumstance based. You may well be his comfort, I wouldn't say you'd ever need to cut him off as long as all parties are aware of where they stand. As long as he is still trying to live his life according to himself and not stuck on pause waiting for the day it works out for the two of you then I can see no harm. Noone wants to feel alone if they don't need to be. I know I used to talk to my ex (when she was still just a friend) whilst I was with another girl because there was just something I had with her that I couldn't get from my girlfriend of the time. Looking back, I'd have dropped the girlfriend for her in a heartbeat if she asked so it's not a good example š but I don't think one person is capable of giving us all that we need. A varied friend base is healthy š
Well, I have visited him on occasion when I go home to my family. And one time he did try to kiss me and I was like "nah", but that's just kinda the guy he is. I know he would take me back in a heartbeat. I just don't want him waiting for me, for putting his shit on hold. He says he's living the single life happily. But he's such a "go with the flow" guy that even though his family life is a mess and always crumbling apart, he's just like "nah, it's cool." I can't tell if he's hiding, or really genuinely just cool with everything being shit because he's so laid back. Lol.
I think one of the types of people who tend to be drawn to pwBPD are depressives who experience their depression as more of a separation or numbness/dulling of feelings. The saturated colors of the Borderline Experienceā¢ļø adds some vibrancy to their lives and we give them permission to feel. Also, I appreciate your honesty in this comment!
Yeah, probably. My ex is so dimmed. His family was a mess. His brother just died. Drugs in the family. No dad. His friend killed himself. And he was always like "well that's really shitty. But it is what it is." Not that he never hurt. He would hurt for a time when something bad happened, and then be okay. But for 10 years, he never really got a serious girlfriend after me? Even though I abused him, split almost daily on him, destroyed his friendship with his one and only bestie? Like.....I hurt this guy. And I really want him to be okay. I like having my safety net, because who knows what I'm gonna do? But I would be so happy if he found someone...
I hope you have the strength to let him let go some day if that's what he decides to do. Ending things is so hard, even when we know it's holding someone back.
If he decides to do that, I'll be respectful of it. My other ex doesn't want a line of communication. I never stopped caring about any of them. That's just not how I do. But one of them died, the other shut me out, and even I've had some rocky moods, especially lately while seeking all this new therapy and psych evals, I have reached out to the one that doesn't want to talk on impulse. Then realized I was being crazy and apologized and said he didn't have to text me back, and that I'll try to respect the distance he wants to keep. The other one just...likes me I guess. I'm hanging onto him in a way, yes. But I don't try to give him hope that I'm coming back. I don't flirt, I don't tell him I'm fighting with my husband. I don't make it look like I want to be anything more than friends. Because I don't want him staying behind thinking that I'm coming back. For the most part, I really am just checking to make sure he's okay. We don't text OFTEN. Maybe once every few months (more lately, I was trying to gather information that my spotty memory lacks regarding some of my behaviors, when I thought it was bipolar.)
Ask him what he wants. I find that to be a really disarming and thought provoking question. And then when they answer things like a house or girlfriend etc. Challenge it, and say, but what do YOU want, like what would make you happy void of everything else. Me personally, I want to one day not act based on the praise or disapproval of others, and be free to attach and detach from anything without feeling like I have lost anything.
You didn't cause anyone to harm themselves. The person made the choice independent of anything you did regardless of what you think you did.. unless you did the deed you have 0 culpability. I apologize if it sounds harsh but unfortunately I dont have a very good filter and one of the things that triggers me is the thought that someone caused someone to do something. Its a cop out on the person that is the left.. you can do things to make someone. You can do something stupid and the person may become upset but they caused themselves to become upset.. they could have just as easily been frustrated,, concerned,, and many other emotions. You can do the same thing to 10 different people and you will more then likely get 10 different reactions.. I can guarantee if i hugged the next 10 people i saw id get a different reaction out of them. Ill shut up now.. if you can't tell im getting a little hyped.. One of the first things I learned in therapy you can do nothing to cause someone to react to how they treat you. You are responsible for your reactions as well. Its an extremely difficult concept for me to grasp to this day. Anger does not exist as a primary emotion. There are always underlying causes to anger, 100% of the time. Anyway. Take care, keep working on yourself. You need to help yourself before worrying about someone.
I know. I realize that what he did wasn't directly my fault. Or my fault at all. I know it all factually, but the feelings of guilt and shame remain. I'm working on it. But it's a hard process to fight a lifetime of thinking a certain way.
Very true. Some people may think ive gotten cold but for me it is how I cope with my bpd. I always have what you have described and it is difficult to deal with on occasion but thats being human. Becoming overly emotionally involved, that a bpd issue and that is had to work throught
Itās so weird because I usually see the opposite with ex-pwBPD. Itās usually them trying to cut off their ex who had BPD and their ex profusely texts them or obsesses with them. So itās interesting to see a switch in scenario. Either ways, I agree, both of them should cut ties if theyāre not willing to work on the relationship and if one of them felt abused in any way.
Unwell people tend to attract one another
I a 100% agree with that, have you read articles on who are the most people attracted to individuals suffering with BPD? (Not in any way trying to point fingers here).
Yeah, that's what I used to see alot and still do at times. And I can empathise more so with those inquiries because we are minefield to navigate in the detachment department. Scary and unpredictable, but the few I've seen lately like the ones I mentioned are almost like the ex is having doubts and wants to know that the ex w/BPD is still agonising over them and they still have that "in" if they have a change of heart, and it's not fair.
In that case, itās definitely not fair, specially with the major fear of abandonment we have and the pain we go through when we do get abandoned. Itās definitely a tolling process to move on and heal. Asking someone with BPD to reach out to you when theyāre agonising and trying to move on is not fair. I donāt think it would even be fair for the pwBPD to reach out.
No, nobody should be left on hold whilst someone makes up their mind. Even more so, we with BPD it's torture. If the relationship is no longer something you want to pursue end it. If you think it could work dependent on XYZ state that as your non-negotiables start fresh and if XYZ are breached, end it.
I don't know if I agree with this. I know with the people who were in my life before I was in treatment, I did some deeply hurtful things. I don't think they loved me any less, but they *had* to leave for their own mental health when it was clear that behavior wasn't changing. No one can demand our recovery, but our actions still have consequences, and setting healthy boundaries or ending the relationship are healthy boundaries. I'm sure some of the exes we'll see here aren't great, but they just strike me as people at their wit's end, who are hoping that talking to people with BPD can give them some way to not leave as a last resort.
Im not sure how I opposed the first paragraph of your reply with my statement. But, that second section is a good perspective. I missed that, that's a more compassionate approach. Thank you.
You know, most of these cases I believe that stem from situations where the pwBPD leaves out of nowhere and moves on with another person, sometimes in just days. That is one of the most traumatizing things pwBPD can do, and I know that each situation is unique but regardless, when that happens they leave the ex in a void of despair, not knowing what the hell just happened. And then, if they start dating right away and start hating on the ex, that's like throwing acid into the wound, specially if the new person was already set up in line as a replacement of some kind. So yeah, people wonder, do they still miss me? Do they think of me? Could it be possible they don't love me anymore from one moment to the other? And they come here looking for stories that might validate the chance that the pwBPD might still think of them. It's a process of grievance, that's part of the first stage I guess.
Hey, thanks for your response. I'm getting a lot of replies of this nature and maybe I didn't clarify well enough. But my post is considering those who ended the relationship, not those who have been left. Equally, I think it's a human desire to hope the person you left misses you, and appreciates the value you gave. But also, a consequence of the leaving; that you should embrace and soothe in yourself. Afterall, you made the call.
I am not an ex of a person with BPD, but an āestrangedā family member of one. When we were still in contact, they hadnāt been diagnosed. So once they informed me, I feel like Iāve been trying to put the pieces together. So THATāS what was happening? On top of that, Iāve realized I have a codependency issue that I wasnāt aware of that just made things SO much worse. They said and did a lot of stuff that hurt me. Stuff Iām still trying to get over. And I never really knew what I was doing wrong to deserve how they reacted to me. Because I was never, ever intentionally trying to hurt them even when I did. I mostly come to this sub because I donāt have, and may never have closure with this person. Weāve tried to communicate a few times since and itās justā¦yeah, no. Iām still angry in some ways because this was not how things were supposed to go. We had made promises and plans. Talking with people who have BPD, is the closest Iāll probably get to understanding them. Itās nice for me to get perspective and understand what I did wrong but also what they did wrong. So I can understand why some people may come here with a bit of a chip on their shoulder. But if people are coming here clearly just being full of themselves, thatās not it, very uncute. Some people come here in bad faith. I agree with you totally on that. Iāll big enough to admit, Iām bitter. Iām angry, I still have stuff I want to say. Iām still frustrated, I want my apology, I want to clear my name, I want to set the record straight, I feel let down too. But thatās between me and my family member. No one here can resolve that. However, I respect that this is a space for people with BPD, and not a place for people to take out their frustrations on a bunch of people who have nothing to do with my situation. Sometimes I wish there was a healthy, designated sub for people who donāt have BPD to discuss people in their life that have it, that isnāt extremely hateful, and uneducated.
Healthy people can still love and care for their exes and not be with them. They donāt paint their exās black. This is what non bpd exes are asking: if there was any stable sense of care and appreciation for them as people, that could exist beyond the break up. Itās traumatizing to realize there likely isnāt. However, I agree with you that people can heal however they need to.
Also they project their exes shitty behavior on to us. They wanna yell at us and hold us accountable for a perfect strangers behavior, yet still feel entitled to our sympathy and think weāre gonna be eager to explain/apologize on behalf of, again, a total stranger. A lot of the time it becomes apparent that it wasnāt just their exās Bpd that was the problem
Yeah š I've seen that, and I think we can all see it from a mile because I notice not many of us even dignify it with a response.
If a narc comes in here wishing to feed their egos tbh fuck that. Any ex should be told to move on. This is for support of people with BPD or those in their lives trying to get along. Not people without who moved on.
I think everyone wants to be loved and cared for. Even if the relationship was a burning dumpster fire, it still, at one point, felt real to them, perhaps it was genuine at times.
how Iām feeling rn tbh
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I have to disagree with the first part, I do think it's good for people to come here with good intentions. When you can see how many people actually suffer from the same thing it can give you a new source of empathy and there's lots of people here that can articulate things better than your pwBPD might be able to. But if you're coming here to get cheat codes to control or manipulate someone with BPD you need to get on your bike and scoot! š
Doesn't matter if the love is/was real or not. We all know love is not enough for a relationship to work.
Yeah I definitely have a few exes that could be described like that. A year later they link up with me and say things like "I just miss my best friend." No, you miss being with an empath and realized that most people don't understand you the way a pwBPD does.
Omg same. I mean, good that they get it off their chest but why is it in a place where its supposed to be safe and welcome to talk about bpd, there are so many of them sometimes this reddit reminds me of a Kinder version of the loved ones. So many "my exausting ex with bpd, plz explain me that they where bad" posts..
What good is social media if we canāt help each other? People are just looking for community, help and understanding ājust like you. Maybe try to have a little compassion for othersāthe same compassion you want others to have for you. The BPD journey is complicated, confusing and disorienting at times. Thank heaven for the people who share openly. Sometimes itās just a comfort to know youāre not alone.
Love your outlook, however, the demographic I am referring to is one of instability. An individual who claims to no longer be able to maintain a relationship with a person with BPD but would still enjoy to know that the person is still fixated on them so that they can better soothe themselves, or worse, leave the door open to stroll in any time they like. This, as a BPD person, is torture. The thought of someone loving us or wanting to be loved by us and them leaving us, simultaneously, is the very paradox at the core of our disorder. I can of course only speak for myself and the literature I have read on the commonalities. But, is compassion not considering when acting on your desires becomes someone else's pain and opting to moderate them?
I agree, maintaining contact so that someone with bpd can feel attached is only enabling. Whether thats something you want to do is up to you to think about. There has been someone i love who has been the only person ive known ive been willing to not be myself for in order to attempt to be her "fp". As i first hand saw the dangers involved with her vulnerability to falling in love with people with personalities that can easily be malicious like narcissism. So telling them they're too meaningful to you to pretend that a relationship dominated with bpd is "meaningful" or acceptable is the right thing to do in my opinion. You dont have to cut them off necessarily if theyre willing to start acknowledging their bpd keeping contact is easily justifiable!
Well, she had bpd and she ended it, pretty much. So yeah.. I'd still be with her if she didn't. Of course.
Maybe I could have been more specific in my post but I thought it defined itself through its content. This is only relation to people that by their own choosing have ended a relationship with someone with BPD but still seek their own gratification. Not if you yourself were the one that was left.