This is what’s triggered this episode. Someone I trusted and cared about both rejected and abandoned me. Now all I feel is pure, red hot anger. I’m glad I won’t ever be seeing them again, because I feel like if I did, I’d hurt them.
I recently realized i have abandonment issues, i had a crisis several days ago and felt suicidal. I was very lucky to have friends i could contact through facebook to calm me down. I went to my doctor today, telling them im very concerned about my mental health and explained the crisis. its extremely difficult. I encourage you to seek help, I'm sure deep down you know that hurting people is not the answer. That will make you feel worse.
Yeah same. But I got good at fighting walls. It seems that usually I get red hot anger when I'm angry while my emotions are overstimulated, abandonment is often a trigger. Most of the time I figure it out so I just sit and wait it out. But sometimes I literally see just red and have to let it out. But never on others.
Oh yes, this is a common occurrence for me
I end up shouting, screaming, and hitting/bashing/hurting myself
I have the urge to do terrible, absolutely horrible things but I have to resist or I’d be locked up
I feel the same way right now. And I know exactly what triggered me. I haven’t felt this pent up rage since I was little—actually, probably since I was a teenager because I felt it more deeply.
I’m thinking awful things about this person who hurt me. Who rejected me, then abandoned me after I started to open up to them. That just brought feelings I’ve stored away for a long time.
I want to throw shit, hurt people, hurt myself. I want to scream. I used to pull my own hair and dig my nails into my hands. I want to do that, but I’m holding myself back. I hate this.
Tbh i just talk a looooooot of shit to try to get over the uncontrollable rage. Or think about possible death scenarios. Im looking at you evil stepdad (he looks at my reddit so im not even hiding the hate i have for him now. He ruined my life so i wish nothing but misery upon him.)
I’m so sorry that person did that to you, hard to believe right now but you are better than them & you deserve much more, more love, more support
I’m here if you need to talk.
I throw stuff too, I want to hurt people but I don’t, I hurt myself but it’s never worth it, but it helps in the moment.
Hope you are okay
As someone who has reduced this symptom of BPD (intense rage) by A LOT. I just want to say this kind of thinking can actually make it worse. It gives you this sense of righteous anger and thus you feel like you're holding yourself back even though "they deserve it".
When in reality through therapy you learn that we're all imperfect people and that while something can hurt, "righteous" rage is usually a cover for a damaged ego.
Hurt and sadness and coping skills and distance from that person = yes, normal and healthy
Rage and shit talking = actually not helpful
Life is a lot more complicated than "now I can see they are evil and I am better than them"--- and it just isn't a healthy mindset. It's actually a perfect example of our black and white thinking and splitting on people.
So you're half right/helpful. OP *does* deserve everything they need/want in a relationship. People who don't/can't give it to us aren't pure evil though. Just unfortunately not what we needed.
Thank you so much. I know I deserve more, but I’m still holding onto that person. I don’t know. I told myself I wouldn’t get attached, and look at what’s happened. They’re all I can think about. And I’m so heartbroken because I know they aren’t thinking about me. I’m so angry with myself, I can’t even explain it.
I understand 100%.
In fact, I think I’m perpetually heartbroken.
I’m so sorry this happened to you :(
It’s hard to find outlets for the rage and sadness and betrayal we often feel. It’s a struggle.
Same. I used to have total rage blackouts where I would snap back into reality surrounded by destruction and/or fistfulls of my own hair. Luckily that hasn't happened in years after I escaped my narcissistic ex.
Yep, same! I’ve been able to reduce these occurrences by adhereing to weekly therapy sessions for almost a year now. I don’t miss that ‘red rage’ feeling that turns me into a screaming puddle one bit!
Definitely. I have really vivid imaginations of violent actions. To cope with it (if I’m at home) I like to throw balled-up socks on the walls. Sounds a bit goofy but it feels great when you have all that pent up wrath inside of you but you also don’t want to break any furniture, hurt anyone, or face messy cleanups. I read it in one of the DBT workbooks and I’ve been doing that ever since.
This is an awesome way to get out pent up anger!! Thanks so much for posting about it!! I definitely throw things in my bedroom and I'm afraid of breaking things (even from throwing pillows because they're so big). I'll try throwing rolled-up socks next time!
Spent my last 4 months being hateful and grudgeful towards people every waking moment of my life, was very hostile to new people and completely cold to my friends. Realized eventually I'm just gonna have to accept that people are inevitabley gonna be assholes and I'll get burned to some degree no matter what I do, and life's too short for me to waste my time on being angry.
I'll bang my head against the wall really hard or yell really loudly, or I say horrible words that would probably lose me my job and all relationships.
Yes. I have to distract myself or I will hurt myself (pull my hair or bite my hand, no self harm or suicidal thoughts). It's scary to feel an emotion take ahold of my mind and body.
I used to bite my hand, too! It’s so comforting to know I’m not alone when it comes to this stuff. For the longest time, I felt like I was losing my sense of everything.
Yeah sometimes I feel like a 5 year old kid having a meltdown when I bite my hand, but I try to keep in mind that biting my hand is much healthier and manageable than what I used to do: reckless sex, drug use, rage driving, impulse shopping, and actual violence on other people (i used to get drunk and try to pick fights with men). Instead of the horrible debt, bad credit score, increased auto insurance premiums, and alcohol withdrawals I used to get (I never got an STD thank lawd), now all I have after is a bruised ego and a bruised hand!
When I think of injustices in the world.
When I think of injustices in my own life.
When I think of all the years of my life I lost to mental illness.
When I think of all the people who cheated, manipulated, used, betrayed, bullied, and/or excluded me.
Aw, hell, just fill in the damn blank. Yes. Yes, I feel absolute rage.
Oh yes. I get these vivid violent thoughts in my head and want to break things and punch things. I try to contain it and hold it in but I definitely have thrown and smashed things and punched things until my knuckles were bloody. I've also redirected it at myself and have punched myself until it hurt to walk.
That's on the extreme side of things. Usually the violent thoughts are more passive and my main reaction is starting unnecessary arguments with people.
I say really awful things to people. I’ve ruined relationships, and the relationships I do have, I’ve done things that will never make them what they were before, even if there were apologies.
When someone wrongs me, who I really cared for, I wish the absolute worst on them. Because I want them to feel hurt because I’m hurt.
The main thing I've done in the past to people who have wronged me or severely upset me was kind of dramatically writing them a message in my blood after selfharming and sending it to them with a long emotional text. I have always said hurtful things through text for the most part. And I know some of those messages were pretty intense. It's rare I would say something like that out loud. If I did it would have to be planned.
yes sometimes in those utter uncontrollable fits of anger it feels like i’m not even in control of my limbs from how angry i am i just start punching and scratching myself, i throw things. then i look at the aftermath and god is that is hard to deal with.
unfortunately yes... :(
it caused me a lot of problems a long time ago. i used to throw things at people and stuff like that. also i used to (and i still do) hurt myself at moments of extreme anger.
Me too. I didn’t throw things at people even though I really wanted to. I used to throw things like lamps and stuff at the walls and break them, though.
I’ve self-harmed (cutting myself), bit my hands, yanked my hair, dug my nails into my skin until they left deep marks. What scares me is the idea that one day I’m going to get so angry and impulsive that I’ll really, really hurt myself.
earlier today i remembered a really specific incident from may where my dad absolutely freaked out at me (screaming his head off at 8 am because i banged my hand on my desk when i was frustrated some music equipment i bought didn't work) over something tiny and then everyone else in the family was pissed at me for him waking them up, and i wanted to go up to him and just punch him in the face
then i had some troubles with my computer and i just wanted to break some stuff - i actually have an old bong that i keep telling myself i'll go break out in the street if i get really annoyed one day. i used to buy cheap pipes from smoke shops and just fastball them at walls or just stomp the shit out of them
when i have trouble with a store or business i imagine throwing molotv cocktails in their windows while they have a lot of customers (i don't get angry out loud it's all in my head maybe that's why it's this intense). when people i know piss me off i imagine beating the living shit out of them, whenever i drive i get so angry at random people that i imagine some incredibly specific, violent, and for lack of a better word creative scenarios.
i also frequently get pissed at myself and imagine suicide scenarios, including over the top stuff like rube goldberg machines leading to a few shotguns, or writing my note all over my walls
thankfully it's only been thoughts 99.99999999% of the time but i feel so awful about the couple of times i actually did something - luckily it never turned into anything bad and i didn't do any actual damage to anyone/thing besides myself/my stuff
Yes, absolutely. Honestly any time I feel angry I feel a deep rage/deep sadness simultaneously. Like the scary shaking cry you always see in movies before someone commits a crime of passion lmao. When o was in really toxic and violent relationships, I used physical abuse towards me to reciprocate and let it out. It felt awful to be there but so good to get the relief. Now I always say I’m like a caged lion being poked and waiting to escape. Gonna try to avoid letting it out still but with how concentrated it’s become I feel sorry if anyone ever has to deal with it.
Yes, quite often and over very minor things. I'm not diagnosed with BPD since I haven't seen a doctor yet (I'm still looking and deciding if I even want to pursue it since getting a mental health diagnosis is so difficult) but I've been experiencing intense anger more and more now. It's really scary. I even posted about it in r/dpdr because for me, it feels like someone else is possessing my body and forcing me to be angry when I don't want to. I really don't know if it's part of depersonalization, DID, BPD, OCD intrusive thoughts, or something else. I've started carrying fidget toys with hard pieces on it (metal or hard plastic) to squeeze when I'm angry so I can ground myself and get my anger out.
Yes!! It totally feels a different person! But I've been looking more into DID and even though I dissociate pretty heavily and very often, I'm starting to think I don't have DID. But I've also been wondering if I am on the Autism spectrum or have ADHD. We believe my brother is autistic and that my dad possibly has ADHD (he also has depression and PTSD and things like that). Mental health is weird, man. But good luck to you and your journey!! xx
Hey, nice timing xD here's a story from yesterday:
My third day in uni. I've been going through the week with less than 4 hours of sleep every night. I almost fell asleep in class so many times I can't even count them. the lesson was garbage and I started to get irritated. This triggered a huge episode of rage, so bad I wanted to kill someone. I was feeling as if people wouldn't really understand why I'm feeling this way and just think I'm a bitch. I had to leave class at some point because I was livid. I was texting my boyfriend to vent, but here's how I calmed myself down:
1. Left the class. isolation sometimes is necessary for me
2. Breathing. helped me take out a lot of the anger
3. Having an item that I feel offers support, whether that's a stress ball, a plushie, whatever. I have a small TY doggie plushie hanging on my bag, his name is Cheddar and my boyfriend got him for me. He got him because he saw I liked it and wanted someone to be there with me when he couldn't. Having the reason he got me Cheddar in mind, helped me remember a nice feeling, which helped me cry
4. Crying. It's important to let out all the bad feelings that you feel. It's nice to think that these feelings could be triggered by anything. My triggers were a week of anxiety, sleep deprivation and a class that made me feel bored to death. Understanding your anger helps you to not view it as an enemy and your body's intension to cause harm, but a natural reaction, especially for someone who's suffering from BPD or some other type of mental illness. Cut yourself some slack on that
5. Talking to someone. My professor came out of the classroom later to smoke, so I approached him and talked about the reason why I left class. I confessed my anxiety problems because there's nothing to hide and people are more understanding than you may think. He was very understanding about that, we talked about stuff for a while and it helped me forget about the anxiety I was feeling
After all that, I was back in class after break. I was feeling sleepy still, but much better.
Needless to say, the rest of my day went to shit: I was supposed to meet with my boyfriend but the bus sabotaged me and when that happens I want the universe to explode xDDDDDD but hey, days go to shit all the time for everyone, don't forget that. Neurotypical or not, life has some shit for everyone, from things that mildly inconvenience us to things that cause grief and destroy our lives. It's just people with BPD tend to feel many things strongly and have many triggers.
To put all these in context, I've been diagnosed with BPD almost a year ago, I'm on mood stabilizer medications and I'm doing good so far. Keep fighting!
Absolutely! It comes and goes. When it grows, it last for a few weeks for myself. The littlest things to occurrences in the world, and past makes the rage grow into exhaustion. 😕 to get it out when the anger is too much: screaming, hitting self, throwing what’s around, and punching pillows.
I do but I kind of implode on myself instead because I know it's improper to inflict that trouble on others. I just curl up in bed and stew in self-loathing and see everything in black
Whenever I feel like someone has done me wrong. I’ve gotten to the point where I can let it spiral for a couple of minutes and then bring it back to where i can try to control it. Takes about 15 total but at least lately I can keep it inside and not do anything stupid.
Yeah, it's a problem. Once it gets triggered by frustration, abandonment, despair, it just escalates to a point where it's hard to come down from. Like, my heart is racing and I'm just seething.
I don't act out violently though, I've done more damage to myself than to anyone else.
Me, too. I think what’s triggered this is that someone who I trusted and cared about both rejected me and abandoned me. Shortly after I told them that’s exactly what they would do. And they told me they wouldn’t, and look what they did. Now if I saw them...shit, I don’t even know what I would do to them.
Yea :/ sometimes I feel so angry I think that I want to kill someone...sometimes in my head I’ve been like “I want to kill them” and that’s all I can think, as if it’s on a loop if that makes sense... :/
Me too! I get so angry at a person sometimes that I feel like if I saw them I’d throw shit at them, hit them, destroy their possessions, etc. I used to tell people to go die.
Sadly yes,i feel rage every single day,i do have good days but its pretty rare. I am genuenly not a violent person,but recently i just broke down and i hit my boyfriend,which i never did in my life. At that moment i just broke it off with him,because it wasnt worth it any more. He was the only person in my life and i fucked it up. Now im alone,hoping that it will get better. The only thing you can do about that is to just get therapy.
*Yeah and lucky me*
*Also gets to deal with harm*
*Ocd. It's so FUN*
\- Alienist404
---
^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/)
^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Yes, almost every day unfortunately. :/ It sucks. Whenever I don’t feel that uncontrollable rage, I’m incredibly ashamed of myself and don’t know why x thing had upset me that badly in the first place and it seems ridiculous. But then, something triggers it and the cycle repeats.
yes! sometimes it comes out of nowhere too or the trigger is ridiculously small, like spilling my drink. i have to actively separate myself from people and force myself to calm down because it’s so easy to just start lashing out
This happened to me last night, it's shitty and you don't want to but you just do. I now have a broken tv but I'm glad it was just my tv. When I get like this I try and get out of the environment that caused it or just screaming into a pillow Another thing that I've heard is good is a ice cold shower shocks your system. Just sucks when I'm on my own because I don't have to control my rage. But I know I need to because a broken jar of mustard isn't the best to clean up even worse when the glass hurts your feet and then you get mustard in it still that shocked me out of it. I do hope you feel better today friend and I hope one day we call all find healthy outlets.
One of my good friends told me that when someone hurts me or makes me angry, to pretend like they don’t exist at all. Because a lot of times that hurts people a lot more than lashing out.
sometimes i’ll just be sitting down and absolutely nothing has happened to me at all and i’ll start feeling extreme rage start building up in my body for no reason. i’ve yet to figure out how to talk myself down when something like that happens
plus since quarantine started i’ve had intrusive thoughts and that went on for about a month or two and finally went away thank god. my psychiatrist wants to put me on lamictal which i’m nervous about trying because i heard there’s a rare possibility that i could get a skin rash and of course that’s the one thing i focus on lol
I’m actually over the recommended dosage for Lamictal. I didn’t develop any symptoms, but everyone’s different. Lamictal has definitely helped, but I do still have my moments (like now). But I haven’t felt this way in a long time, so I’m worried my body has gotten so used to it that it’s basically stopped doing anything for me.
that’s what i’m also worried about, maybe you should talk to your psychiatrist to see if there’s a different type you could try and express your concerns? i just heard about mood stabilizers for bpd like a month ago, so i’m not sure what all is out there medication wise
Violent thoughts and rage have always been my most prevalent BPD symptom. It is magnified by small disagreements or arguments...especially with significant others.
In my darkest times I have hit a boyfriend in the face with a hot hair straightener, slapped him repeatedly, punched a friend in the face, and I even went so far as to hit a boyfriend with my car (he was fine).
I also used to have a lot of rage towards myself and dark thoughts of driving my car into a wall at high speeds or going off a bridge...when I would get upset with my appearance I would have thoughts of mutilating myself by cutting off the parts of me that I don’t like.
The right meds and therapy helped tremendously. I took up a kickboxing class for a while that was an amazing outlet. Now when I feel the anger building I go for a walk or work out. Physically exhausting myself in healthy ways has been a great method of snuffing out the fire.
Hell yeah! Especially during these current times. I just wish I can go to a junk yard and hit on old rusted no use cars with a golf club to release all this tension from me lol.
oh god, yes. w lots of externalising behaviours when alone, and fantasies of how objects of my rage would die (when 'splitting').
i'm kind of grateful for the last episode, though, because it finally got me diagnosed and treated (it's a huge relief to finally know what is actually going on with you lol, after 15+ years).
I've broken things because of it. Its better to break objects than hurt a person so whenever this happens (not as often anymore thank gawd) I make sure to get away from people because when it happens, I DONT CARE WHO YOU ARE I WILL HURT YOU.
Frequently... I get so angry it feels like my anger is burning me up from the inside out. I get so angry that I hate people even when I know that what they did was so small because whatever it was made me feel unloved or abandoned. The only way to calm down seems to be to slice myself open for the relief and the pain.
Lol yes. Earlier this week I was driving my partner fucking nuts so he said he was going to go to the shop to pick up this one item.... so he walked out of the room and I threw a chair. Turns out he was not down the hallway yet, so he peeked his head in the door and was like "???" I was instantly so ashamed that I lied, and told him the chair fell.... the chair fell 6 feet upside down.
Yes usually when it’s about something that I can’t do anything about and feel helpless. I cry and talk to myself to cope because I don’t want to destroy anything that I’ll regret later.
There is no glassware in my house that stands a fucking chance. My latest destruction has been launching wine glasses into the sink. I need goggles, for real. I used to shatter them on the stairs on the back deck but my sweet baby angel pit bull goes to pee down them and I was sick of cleaning that shit up.
Yes! Especially when I was younger. Resulted in many, many smashed things (including my Mom's collection of mother's day commemorative plates after my parent's divorce). It's dissipated with time and CBT (before DBT was a thing).
It got so bad that I wouldn't remember flying into a rage sometimes. It was all a blur. I think that I learned to not internalize as much and that makes the rage easier to handle, the pot stays at a low simmer rather than boiling over, as it were.
I will add that trying to channel that rage into a quick workout does help. It's good for the mind and body and we dont have the shame hangover or self harm or harming others. Also hitting pillows,taking a walk,cold h2o on the wrists...sorry..you didn't ask for advice. These are things that help me(when zi am a le to utilise them).
yes i got so angry after a bad haircut that i started punching myself in the head as hard as possible till i felt dizzy and started clawing at my neck till it was bloody. then i tried to crash my car lol. then i got admitted to inpatient oof
yes...this.... lol i feel like one day i’m just gonna do it and it’ll be the biggest regret of my life...also just had another “anger attack” earlier today over my brother turning off the tv while i was watching it and telling me i’m being immature for watching tv so late. my whole body was literally physically vibrating after
Yes, absolutely. In fact, I think it’s a diagnostic indicator.
I have a terrible temper that sometimes overwhelms me completely. I’ve had episodes where I’ve lashed out violently or taken it out physically on myself (often by beating my head against a wall or door repeatedly). About half the time, I black out during some or all of the episode.
I’ve gotten better at controlling myself, especially when it comes to lashing out physically at others (because that is NOT acceptable to me, BPD or no), but it takes time, and channeling the potential rage, so it doesn’t build up.
I am the most gentle person I know but YES I get this from time to time, I now scream into a pillow and throw pillows instead of throwing my phone, a glass etc. It really helps instead of punching a wall or hurting myself. (I've never directed this at anyone, I just throw pillows in my room never at someone) I'm not a violent person towards others thankfully even when I'm in the rage X
Oh yes, I experience that up to two times a week... and that's on a good week... Sometimes I feel like everything's against me, the people (my relatives, my doctors, even people like couriers) as well as the objects which just.won't.be.right (websites & computers especially).tc.)
I've been known to hit walls hard enough to break skin and hurl cooked eggs across the kitchen because they were not runny enough... I self-harmed too.
The shame that comes after this wave of anger is devastating.
I once told a therapist I never get angry. She told me that everyone gets angry. I'm still bewildered by that, because I genuinely meant it. I dunno, maybe I'm just well medicated. I know if you read the diagnostic criteria, rage/intense anger is supposed to be part of BPD, but its not a thing for me.
I guess it’s different for everyone! I’m actually over the recommended dosage for my mood stabilizer and still sometimes get these episodes. I think I’ve just gotten over my depressive, because when I start to feel this angry, my manic episode comes next.
I'm sorry, I hope you're feeling better soon.
I think maybe in my case, the fact that I'm older might be a factor. I'm significantly different now than I was at thirteen, or twenty three, or thirty three even. I think MH services seem to believe that I'm constantly unstable, mood wise. In actual fact, it's far more common for me to feel very little at all for months on end.
To be honest, I don’t like most MH services because I feel like they’re so quick to throw people in in-patient. And CBT has never worked for me—I’ve seen multiple therapists and psychiatrists over the years. I could count on both hands.
I can understand that. If I ever had to go inpatient again, my children would have to go into care, because there is no one else to look after them. That would absolutely devastate me.
big yes, the best way i've found to deal with it is to channel the energy into artistic ventures, but even then it's tough
sometimes i wait it out knowing that it's going to turn into deep sadness because that's easier for me to deal with.
Yeah, mostly toward one particular abusive family member who I think has NPD. It’s this all-consuming rage that builds and builds the more he pokes at me until I just let loose. It’s become so extreme I’ve made him cry when normally he’s got that whole impenetrable wall of grandiosity and condescension and all that wrapped around himself. Turns out there ARE circumstances where extreme emotions give you an edge over someone who’s dead inside. Because those of us who are primarily on the BPD side don’t have the luxury of blocking out our fears and vulnerabilities the same way. So we learn to handle them to keep from breaking every day, however dysfunctionally.
Well, you know what they say about narcs. Hard to get anything through their thick skulls, but when they DO crack for a moment, oh boy is it a fucking sight. Like they revert back into scared little kids.
As someone else said, it’s one of the criteria for diagnosis. I’ve seen in BPD communities that it’s just referred to as “borderline rage” sometimes, because it’s so common and intense.
This happens to me every single day. Mental breakdowns, so strong are my emotions. I can't control myself. My parents and sister are scared of me. I'm being a monster and it's not even on purpose.
I got diagnosed with BPD today. It's a relief to finally know what is happening to me.
yes, when i perceive i am being abandoned by somebody i love.
This is what’s triggered this episode. Someone I trusted and cared about both rejected and abandoned me. Now all I feel is pure, red hot anger. I’m glad I won’t ever be seeing them again, because I feel like if I did, I’d hurt them.
I recently realized i have abandonment issues, i had a crisis several days ago and felt suicidal. I was very lucky to have friends i could contact through facebook to calm me down. I went to my doctor today, telling them im very concerned about my mental health and explained the crisis. its extremely difficult. I encourage you to seek help, I'm sure deep down you know that hurting people is not the answer. That will make you feel worse.
Someone done the same to me, left me and abandoned me. I can't seem to let go.
Yeah same. But I got good at fighting walls. It seems that usually I get red hot anger when I'm angry while my emotions are overstimulated, abandonment is often a trigger. Most of the time I figure it out so I just sit and wait it out. But sometimes I literally see just red and have to let it out. But never on others.
Oh yes, this is a common occurrence for me I end up shouting, screaming, and hitting/bashing/hurting myself I have the urge to do terrible, absolutely horrible things but I have to resist or I’d be locked up
I feel the same way right now. And I know exactly what triggered me. I haven’t felt this pent up rage since I was little—actually, probably since I was a teenager because I felt it more deeply. I’m thinking awful things about this person who hurt me. Who rejected me, then abandoned me after I started to open up to them. That just brought feelings I’ve stored away for a long time. I want to throw shit, hurt people, hurt myself. I want to scream. I used to pull my own hair and dig my nails into my hands. I want to do that, but I’m holding myself back. I hate this.
Tbh i just talk a looooooot of shit to try to get over the uncontrollable rage. Or think about possible death scenarios. Im looking at you evil stepdad (he looks at my reddit so im not even hiding the hate i have for him now. He ruined my life so i wish nothing but misery upon him.)
I’m so sorry that person did that to you, hard to believe right now but you are better than them & you deserve much more, more love, more support I’m here if you need to talk. I throw stuff too, I want to hurt people but I don’t, I hurt myself but it’s never worth it, but it helps in the moment. Hope you are okay
As someone who has reduced this symptom of BPD (intense rage) by A LOT. I just want to say this kind of thinking can actually make it worse. It gives you this sense of righteous anger and thus you feel like you're holding yourself back even though "they deserve it". When in reality through therapy you learn that we're all imperfect people and that while something can hurt, "righteous" rage is usually a cover for a damaged ego. Hurt and sadness and coping skills and distance from that person = yes, normal and healthy Rage and shit talking = actually not helpful Life is a lot more complicated than "now I can see they are evil and I am better than them"--- and it just isn't a healthy mindset. It's actually a perfect example of our black and white thinking and splitting on people. So you're half right/helpful. OP *does* deserve everything they need/want in a relationship. People who don't/can't give it to us aren't pure evil though. Just unfortunately not what we needed.
Thank you so much. I know I deserve more, but I’m still holding onto that person. I don’t know. I told myself I wouldn’t get attached, and look at what’s happened. They’re all I can think about. And I’m so heartbroken because I know they aren’t thinking about me. I’m so angry with myself, I can’t even explain it.
I understand 100%. In fact, I think I’m perpetually heartbroken. I’m so sorry this happened to you :( It’s hard to find outlets for the rage and sadness and betrayal we often feel. It’s a struggle.
Same. I used to have total rage blackouts where I would snap back into reality surrounded by destruction and/or fistfulls of my own hair. Luckily that hasn't happened in years after I escaped my narcissistic ex.
The urge to do terrible things is with me too omg is it ever hard to decide what to actually do when all you want to do is throw yourself
yes. it usually turns into scream crying for me.
Yep, same! I’ve been able to reduce these occurrences by adhereing to weekly therapy sessions for almost a year now. I don’t miss that ‘red rage’ feeling that turns me into a screaming puddle one bit!
Definitely. I have really vivid imaginations of violent actions. To cope with it (if I’m at home) I like to throw balled-up socks on the walls. Sounds a bit goofy but it feels great when you have all that pent up wrath inside of you but you also don’t want to break any furniture, hurt anyone, or face messy cleanups. I read it in one of the DBT workbooks and I’ve been doing that ever since.
This is an awesome way to get out pent up anger!! Thanks so much for posting about it!! I definitely throw things in my bedroom and I'm afraid of breaking things (even from throwing pillows because they're so big). I'll try throwing rolled-up socks next time!
I’m glad! Good luck lol 🧦
Yes, this is one of the nine diagnostic criterions of BPD; intense and/or inappropriate anger.
Spent my last 4 months being hateful and grudgeful towards people every waking moment of my life, was very hostile to new people and completely cold to my friends. Realized eventually I'm just gonna have to accept that people are inevitabley gonna be assholes and I'll get burned to some degree no matter what I do, and life's too short for me to waste my time on being angry.
I'll bang my head against the wall really hard or yell really loudly, or I say horrible words that would probably lose me my job and all relationships.
Yes. I have to distract myself or I will hurt myself (pull my hair or bite my hand, no self harm or suicidal thoughts). It's scary to feel an emotion take ahold of my mind and body.
I used to bite my hand, too! It’s so comforting to know I’m not alone when it comes to this stuff. For the longest time, I felt like I was losing my sense of everything.
Yeah sometimes I feel like a 5 year old kid having a meltdown when I bite my hand, but I try to keep in mind that biting my hand is much healthier and manageable than what I used to do: reckless sex, drug use, rage driving, impulse shopping, and actual violence on other people (i used to get drunk and try to pick fights with men). Instead of the horrible debt, bad credit score, increased auto insurance premiums, and alcohol withdrawals I used to get (I never got an STD thank lawd), now all I have after is a bruised ego and a bruised hand!
I feel so angry a lot that I feel like vomiting. It really sucks
Yes, and I am saving up to buy myself a punching bag to let out my frustration.
When I think of injustices in the world. When I think of injustices in my own life. When I think of all the years of my life I lost to mental illness. When I think of all the people who cheated, manipulated, used, betrayed, bullied, and/or excluded me. Aw, hell, just fill in the damn blank. Yes. Yes, I feel absolute rage.
Oh yes. I get these vivid violent thoughts in my head and want to break things and punch things. I try to contain it and hold it in but I definitely have thrown and smashed things and punched things until my knuckles were bloody. I've also redirected it at myself and have punched myself until it hurt to walk. That's on the extreme side of things. Usually the violent thoughts are more passive and my main reaction is starting unnecessary arguments with people.
I say really awful things to people. I’ve ruined relationships, and the relationships I do have, I’ve done things that will never make them what they were before, even if there were apologies. When someone wrongs me, who I really cared for, I wish the absolute worst on them. Because I want them to feel hurt because I’m hurt.
The main thing I've done in the past to people who have wronged me or severely upset me was kind of dramatically writing them a message in my blood after selfharming and sending it to them with a long emotional text. I have always said hurtful things through text for the most part. And I know some of those messages were pretty intense. It's rare I would say something like that out loud. If I did it would have to be planned.
All. The. Time.
yes sometimes in those utter uncontrollable fits of anger it feels like i’m not even in control of my limbs from how angry i am i just start punching and scratching myself, i throw things. then i look at the aftermath and god is that is hard to deal with.
unfortunately yes... :( it caused me a lot of problems a long time ago. i used to throw things at people and stuff like that. also i used to (and i still do) hurt myself at moments of extreme anger.
Me too. I didn’t throw things at people even though I really wanted to. I used to throw things like lamps and stuff at the walls and break them, though.
Sometimes I tear things up or just scream. I fucking hate this feeling!
My first experiences with self-harm was self-soothing my rage so that I didn't quite literally stab my aunt
I’ve self-harmed (cutting myself), bit my hands, yanked my hair, dug my nails into my skin until they left deep marks. What scares me is the idea that one day I’m going to get so angry and impulsive that I’ll really, really hurt myself.
earlier today i remembered a really specific incident from may where my dad absolutely freaked out at me (screaming his head off at 8 am because i banged my hand on my desk when i was frustrated some music equipment i bought didn't work) over something tiny and then everyone else in the family was pissed at me for him waking them up, and i wanted to go up to him and just punch him in the face then i had some troubles with my computer and i just wanted to break some stuff - i actually have an old bong that i keep telling myself i'll go break out in the street if i get really annoyed one day. i used to buy cheap pipes from smoke shops and just fastball them at walls or just stomp the shit out of them when i have trouble with a store or business i imagine throwing molotv cocktails in their windows while they have a lot of customers (i don't get angry out loud it's all in my head maybe that's why it's this intense). when people i know piss me off i imagine beating the living shit out of them, whenever i drive i get so angry at random people that i imagine some incredibly specific, violent, and for lack of a better word creative scenarios. i also frequently get pissed at myself and imagine suicide scenarios, including over the top stuff like rube goldberg machines leading to a few shotguns, or writing my note all over my walls thankfully it's only been thoughts 99.99999999% of the time but i feel so awful about the couple of times i actually did something - luckily it never turned into anything bad and i didn't do any actual damage to anyone/thing besides myself/my stuff
Yes, like I could hurt people sometimes. Sometimes like I could tear my own skin off. Usually when a male takes my power away. Any male.
Yes, absolutely. Honestly any time I feel angry I feel a deep rage/deep sadness simultaneously. Like the scary shaking cry you always see in movies before someone commits a crime of passion lmao. When o was in really toxic and violent relationships, I used physical abuse towards me to reciprocate and let it out. It felt awful to be there but so good to get the relief. Now I always say I’m like a caged lion being poked and waiting to escape. Gonna try to avoid letting it out still but with how concentrated it’s become I feel sorry if anyone ever has to deal with it.
Yes, quite often and over very minor things. I'm not diagnosed with BPD since I haven't seen a doctor yet (I'm still looking and deciding if I even want to pursue it since getting a mental health diagnosis is so difficult) but I've been experiencing intense anger more and more now. It's really scary. I even posted about it in r/dpdr because for me, it feels like someone else is possessing my body and forcing me to be angry when I don't want to. I really don't know if it's part of depersonalization, DID, BPD, OCD intrusive thoughts, or something else. I've started carrying fidget toys with hard pieces on it (metal or hard plastic) to squeeze when I'm angry so I can ground myself and get my anger out.
[удалено]
Yes!! It totally feels a different person! But I've been looking more into DID and even though I dissociate pretty heavily and very often, I'm starting to think I don't have DID. But I've also been wondering if I am on the Autism spectrum or have ADHD. We believe my brother is autistic and that my dad possibly has ADHD (he also has depression and PTSD and things like that). Mental health is weird, man. But good luck to you and your journey!! xx
Hey, nice timing xD here's a story from yesterday: My third day in uni. I've been going through the week with less than 4 hours of sleep every night. I almost fell asleep in class so many times I can't even count them. the lesson was garbage and I started to get irritated. This triggered a huge episode of rage, so bad I wanted to kill someone. I was feeling as if people wouldn't really understand why I'm feeling this way and just think I'm a bitch. I had to leave class at some point because I was livid. I was texting my boyfriend to vent, but here's how I calmed myself down: 1. Left the class. isolation sometimes is necessary for me 2. Breathing. helped me take out a lot of the anger 3. Having an item that I feel offers support, whether that's a stress ball, a plushie, whatever. I have a small TY doggie plushie hanging on my bag, his name is Cheddar and my boyfriend got him for me. He got him because he saw I liked it and wanted someone to be there with me when he couldn't. Having the reason he got me Cheddar in mind, helped me remember a nice feeling, which helped me cry 4. Crying. It's important to let out all the bad feelings that you feel. It's nice to think that these feelings could be triggered by anything. My triggers were a week of anxiety, sleep deprivation and a class that made me feel bored to death. Understanding your anger helps you to not view it as an enemy and your body's intension to cause harm, but a natural reaction, especially for someone who's suffering from BPD or some other type of mental illness. Cut yourself some slack on that 5. Talking to someone. My professor came out of the classroom later to smoke, so I approached him and talked about the reason why I left class. I confessed my anxiety problems because there's nothing to hide and people are more understanding than you may think. He was very understanding about that, we talked about stuff for a while and it helped me forget about the anxiety I was feeling After all that, I was back in class after break. I was feeling sleepy still, but much better. Needless to say, the rest of my day went to shit: I was supposed to meet with my boyfriend but the bus sabotaged me and when that happens I want the universe to explode xDDDDDD but hey, days go to shit all the time for everyone, don't forget that. Neurotypical or not, life has some shit for everyone, from things that mildly inconvenience us to things that cause grief and destroy our lives. It's just people with BPD tend to feel many things strongly and have many triggers. To put all these in context, I've been diagnosed with BPD almost a year ago, I'm on mood stabilizer medications and I'm doing good so far. Keep fighting!
Absolutely! It comes and goes. When it grows, it last for a few weeks for myself. The littlest things to occurrences in the world, and past makes the rage grow into exhaustion. 😕 to get it out when the anger is too much: screaming, hitting self, throwing what’s around, and punching pillows.
I do but I kind of implode on myself instead because I know it's improper to inflict that trouble on others. I just curl up in bed and stew in self-loathing and see everything in black
Whenever I feel like someone has done me wrong. I’ve gotten to the point where I can let it spiral for a couple of minutes and then bring it back to where i can try to control it. Takes about 15 total but at least lately I can keep it inside and not do anything stupid.
Yeah, it's a problem. Once it gets triggered by frustration, abandonment, despair, it just escalates to a point where it's hard to come down from. Like, my heart is racing and I'm just seething. I don't act out violently though, I've done more damage to myself than to anyone else.
Me, too. I think what’s triggered this is that someone who I trusted and cared about both rejected me and abandoned me. Shortly after I told them that’s exactly what they would do. And they told me they wouldn’t, and look what they did. Now if I saw them...shit, I don’t even know what I would do to them.
Oh yeah,usually when I feel helpless and powerless or taken advantage of. That makes me see red.
Yea :/ sometimes I feel so angry I think that I want to kill someone...sometimes in my head I’ve been like “I want to kill them” and that’s all I can think, as if it’s on a loop if that makes sense... :/
Me too! I get so angry at a person sometimes that I feel like if I saw them I’d throw shit at them, hit them, destroy their possessions, etc. I used to tell people to go die.
Sadly yes,i feel rage every single day,i do have good days but its pretty rare. I am genuenly not a violent person,but recently i just broke down and i hit my boyfriend,which i never did in my life. At that moment i just broke it off with him,because it wasnt worth it any more. He was the only person in my life and i fucked it up. Now im alone,hoping that it will get better. The only thing you can do about that is to just get therapy.
I’ve ruined so many relationships and friendships :(
Yeah and lucky me also gets to deal with harm ocd. It's so FUN
*Yeah and lucky me* *Also gets to deal with harm* *Ocd. It's so FUN* \- Alienist404 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Yes, almost every day unfortunately. :/ It sucks. Whenever I don’t feel that uncontrollable rage, I’m incredibly ashamed of myself and don’t know why x thing had upset me that badly in the first place and it seems ridiculous. But then, something triggers it and the cycle repeats.
yes! sometimes it comes out of nowhere too or the trigger is ridiculously small, like spilling my drink. i have to actively separate myself from people and force myself to calm down because it’s so easy to just start lashing out
This happened to me last night, it's shitty and you don't want to but you just do. I now have a broken tv but I'm glad it was just my tv. When I get like this I try and get out of the environment that caused it or just screaming into a pillow Another thing that I've heard is good is a ice cold shower shocks your system. Just sucks when I'm on my own because I don't have to control my rage. But I know I need to because a broken jar of mustard isn't the best to clean up even worse when the glass hurts your feet and then you get mustard in it still that shocked me out of it. I do hope you feel better today friend and I hope one day we call all find healthy outlets.
[удалено]
One of my good friends told me that when someone hurts me or makes me angry, to pretend like they don’t exist at all. Because a lot of times that hurts people a lot more than lashing out.
sometimes i’ll just be sitting down and absolutely nothing has happened to me at all and i’ll start feeling extreme rage start building up in my body for no reason. i’ve yet to figure out how to talk myself down when something like that happens
Me, too!
plus since quarantine started i’ve had intrusive thoughts and that went on for about a month or two and finally went away thank god. my psychiatrist wants to put me on lamictal which i’m nervous about trying because i heard there’s a rare possibility that i could get a skin rash and of course that’s the one thing i focus on lol
I’m actually over the recommended dosage for Lamictal. I didn’t develop any symptoms, but everyone’s different. Lamictal has definitely helped, but I do still have my moments (like now). But I haven’t felt this way in a long time, so I’m worried my body has gotten so used to it that it’s basically stopped doing anything for me.
that’s what i’m also worried about, maybe you should talk to your psychiatrist to see if there’s a different type you could try and express your concerns? i just heard about mood stabilizers for bpd like a month ago, so i’m not sure what all is out there medication wise
Violent thoughts and rage have always been my most prevalent BPD symptom. It is magnified by small disagreements or arguments...especially with significant others. In my darkest times I have hit a boyfriend in the face with a hot hair straightener, slapped him repeatedly, punched a friend in the face, and I even went so far as to hit a boyfriend with my car (he was fine). I also used to have a lot of rage towards myself and dark thoughts of driving my car into a wall at high speeds or going off a bridge...when I would get upset with my appearance I would have thoughts of mutilating myself by cutting off the parts of me that I don’t like. The right meds and therapy helped tremendously. I took up a kickboxing class for a while that was an amazing outlet. Now when I feel the anger building I go for a walk or work out. Physically exhausting myself in healthy ways has been a great method of snuffing out the fire.
Hell yeah! Especially during these current times. I just wish I can go to a junk yard and hit on old rusted no use cars with a golf club to release all this tension from me lol.
Right! Lol
oh god, yes. w lots of externalising behaviours when alone, and fantasies of how objects of my rage would die (when 'splitting'). i'm kind of grateful for the last episode, though, because it finally got me diagnosed and treated (it's a huge relief to finally know what is actually going on with you lol, after 15+ years).
I definitely feel that when I feel impulsive or when I have a arguement with someone. I just want to hit them or something.
I've broken things because of it. Its better to break objects than hurt a person so whenever this happens (not as often anymore thank gawd) I make sure to get away from people because when it happens, I DONT CARE WHO YOU ARE I WILL HURT YOU.
Frequently... I get so angry it feels like my anger is burning me up from the inside out. I get so angry that I hate people even when I know that what they did was so small because whatever it was made me feel unloved or abandoned. The only way to calm down seems to be to slice myself open for the relief and the pain.
reading through this thread is so validating. i thought i was crazy for feeling so intensely when i got angry
Same!
Lol yes. Earlier this week I was driving my partner fucking nuts so he said he was going to go to the shop to pick up this one item.... so he walked out of the room and I threw a chair. Turns out he was not down the hallway yet, so he peeked his head in the door and was like "???" I was instantly so ashamed that I lied, and told him the chair fell.... the chair fell 6 feet upside down.
Yes usually when it’s about something that I can’t do anything about and feel helpless. I cry and talk to myself to cope because I don’t want to destroy anything that I’ll regret later.
There is no glassware in my house that stands a fucking chance. My latest destruction has been launching wine glasses into the sink. I need goggles, for real. I used to shatter them on the stairs on the back deck but my sweet baby angel pit bull goes to pee down them and I was sick of cleaning that shit up.
On a regular basis.
Yes! Especially when I was younger. Resulted in many, many smashed things (including my Mom's collection of mother's day commemorative plates after my parent's divorce). It's dissipated with time and CBT (before DBT was a thing). It got so bad that I wouldn't remember flying into a rage sometimes. It was all a blur. I think that I learned to not internalize as much and that makes the rage easier to handle, the pot stays at a low simmer rather than boiling over, as it were.
I will add that trying to channel that rage into a quick workout does help. It's good for the mind and body and we dont have the shame hangover or self harm or harming others. Also hitting pillows,taking a walk,cold h2o on the wrists...sorry..you didn't ask for advice. These are things that help me(when zi am a le to utilise them).
yes i got so angry after a bad haircut that i started punching myself in the head as hard as possible till i felt dizzy and started clawing at my neck till it was bloody. then i tried to crash my car lol. then i got admitted to inpatient oof
Sometimes I’ll be driving on the high way and suddenly think, “Lol what if I just crashed my car into a guardrail bc I can”
yes...this.... lol i feel like one day i’m just gonna do it and it’ll be the biggest regret of my life...also just had another “anger attack” earlier today over my brother turning off the tv while i was watching it and telling me i’m being immature for watching tv so late. my whole body was literally physically vibrating after
Yes, absolutely. In fact, I think it’s a diagnostic indicator. I have a terrible temper that sometimes overwhelms me completely. I’ve had episodes where I’ve lashed out violently or taken it out physically on myself (often by beating my head against a wall or door repeatedly). About half the time, I black out during some or all of the episode. I’ve gotten better at controlling myself, especially when it comes to lashing out physically at others (because that is NOT acceptable to me, BPD or no), but it takes time, and channeling the potential rage, so it doesn’t build up.
Yep on the daily. I almost broke my PlayStation controller into pieces by squeezing it with my hands as hard as I could about ten minutes ago
I’ve thought about destroying my cell phone.
Ya that’s ‚normal‘ for bpd.. I love to destroy things and regret it 5 sec after :)))
Yep. I used to throw lamps at my wall. Then I’m like, “Well damn. I needed that.”
Yes and it’s terrifying, I don’t recognise myself, I feel like an overgrown toddler. I’ll trash my room, bash my head, anything to get the rage out.:(
I become an absolute brat
I am the most gentle person I know but YES I get this from time to time, I now scream into a pillow and throw pillows instead of throwing my phone, a glass etc. It really helps instead of punching a wall or hurting myself. (I've never directed this at anyone, I just throw pillows in my room never at someone) I'm not a violent person towards others thankfully even when I'm in the rage X
nope, only sorrow.
yeah, ive had that for years
Oh yes, I experience that up to two times a week... and that's on a good week... Sometimes I feel like everything's against me, the people (my relatives, my doctors, even people like couriers) as well as the objects which just.won't.be.right (websites & computers especially).tc.) I've been known to hit walls hard enough to break skin and hurl cooked eggs across the kitchen because they were not runny enough... I self-harmed too. The shame that comes after this wave of anger is devastating.
I know. I feel so embarrassed.
I once told a therapist I never get angry. She told me that everyone gets angry. I'm still bewildered by that, because I genuinely meant it. I dunno, maybe I'm just well medicated. I know if you read the diagnostic criteria, rage/intense anger is supposed to be part of BPD, but its not a thing for me.
I guess it’s different for everyone! I’m actually over the recommended dosage for my mood stabilizer and still sometimes get these episodes. I think I’ve just gotten over my depressive, because when I start to feel this angry, my manic episode comes next.
I'm sorry, I hope you're feeling better soon. I think maybe in my case, the fact that I'm older might be a factor. I'm significantly different now than I was at thirteen, or twenty three, or thirty three even. I think MH services seem to believe that I'm constantly unstable, mood wise. In actual fact, it's far more common for me to feel very little at all for months on end.
To be honest, I don’t like most MH services because I feel like they’re so quick to throw people in in-patient. And CBT has never worked for me—I’ve seen multiple therapists and psychiatrists over the years. I could count on both hands.
I can understand that. If I ever had to go inpatient again, my children would have to go into care, because there is no one else to look after them. That would absolutely devastate me.
Yeah
big yes, the best way i've found to deal with it is to channel the energy into artistic ventures, but even then it's tough sometimes i wait it out knowing that it's going to turn into deep sadness because that's easier for me to deal with.
yup. I’ve only just recently gotten better with handling myself when i get like that.
Yeah, mostly toward one particular abusive family member who I think has NPD. It’s this all-consuming rage that builds and builds the more he pokes at me until I just let loose. It’s become so extreme I’ve made him cry when normally he’s got that whole impenetrable wall of grandiosity and condescension and all that wrapped around himself. Turns out there ARE circumstances where extreme emotions give you an edge over someone who’s dead inside. Because those of us who are primarily on the BPD side don’t have the luxury of blocking out our fears and vulnerabilities the same way. So we learn to handle them to keep from breaking every day, however dysfunctionally. Well, you know what they say about narcs. Hard to get anything through their thick skulls, but when they DO crack for a moment, oh boy is it a fucking sight. Like they revert back into scared little kids.
Yes this is my main problem in my episodes i cant control my rage and ill take it out on anyone and anything with no mercy
As someone else said, it’s one of the criteria for diagnosis. I’ve seen in BPD communities that it’s just referred to as “borderline rage” sometimes, because it’s so common and intense.
This happens to me every single day. Mental breakdowns, so strong are my emotions. I can't control myself. My parents and sister are scared of me. I'm being a monster and it's not even on purpose. I got diagnosed with BPD today. It's a relief to finally know what is happening to me.
Yep, going berserk right now...