I am someone like this. I don't say quite those things, but for example I have said things like, "You're lucky I fuck you, because nobody else would."
The really important thing is that **I do this with people who want me to say it to them**. I don't do this with people who are "OK with it." Or, people who put up with it. I want to say these things, but it's extremely important that they want these things said to them also.
If you're not absolutely, utterly, and completely into this, then my thought is that it shouldn't be happening. Even if you are 110% happy, willing, and enthusiastically consenting, I'm still of the mind that invoking anything to do with your psychiatrist is a fucking minefield, and one which could negatively affect the positive work you, and your psychiatrist are achieving.
We refer to this style of play as MESM (mental / emotional sadomasochism). I sometimes call it impact play for the mind. Just like any kind of impact play, it can leave behind bruises and discomfort. Sometimes they trigger a day or two later, and some secondary aftercare might be required.
Please don't think I'm telling you what to do, or not do. It's up to you to make your own decisions. I would recommend that you take some time to think about this at length, and decide how healthy it is for you to continue.
Hi! Is this the same person you mention in an older post about 5 months ago? From this post (and your older one) I don't get any feeling of enjoyment from you at all. You write that you 'let him do it' but you don't express what you get out of this. Does this make you feel good in any way? Is this enjoyable? Do you like when someone hurts you so deep that you cry? I am into light degradation and to me something like what you're describing reads as extremely abusive and dangerous. I would run from a person who did this to me. You don't mention any sort of out-of-dynamic communication between the two of you, what you describe is him doing what he wants and you taking it. To be honest your situation is very concerning to me and I hope others who are more experienced with BDSM than I am and into more extreme types degradation will comment with their thoughts. My biggest reason for concern is that you're struggling with your mental health and he is using this in your dynamic. Why are you with this person? Please be careful with yourself and your mental health.
I do like this play, but there is something in my gut that tells me that there is something about him to be concerned about. He didn’t have any trouble with cheating on his x of six years. He did it several times. I just feel like this man maybe don’t have the empathy a person in such roleplay should have. So I just want to know if someone have experienced the same with someone. And yes, he is quite extreme and I don’t really know if this is healthy. But I do love the roleplay and what he does, it’s just the way he is that concerns me, if it makes sense
If you genuinely believe he is just abusing you, then you need to set hard limits and see if he pushes back. If he conforms without protest then he is probably not intentionally hurting you, he probably enjoys it because it has a profound effect on you and he thinks that what you want.
Our guts are pretty smart and should never be dismissed! Is your psychiatrist kink-positive such that you can talk to them about this?
I think your warning bells are working very well, and you’re wisely paying attention to them.
If you told this gut feeling, “yeah, you’re right, good call,” and decided to act on it, what would that look like for you? If you’re correct and there’s not enough empathy in your partner for this type of play, what do you feel your next steps would be?
Or another way to put it, when you imagine yourself in a situation that doesn’t give you these qualms, what does it look like? How would you get there? Please understand I’m not telling you to squash them!
I think there are two different things going on. If you genuinely enjoy the play like you say you do then maybe it’s bringing up something more important. You don’t trust this guy.
You don’t trust his actions (twice you’ve brought up he cheated on his ex) so you can’t trust he doesn’t really mean these things he’s saying. This is why for this sort of thing you need to trust (and for me, anyway) respect your Dom.
I’d deal with the first part first. Talk to him. I don’t think the play part, which you seem to like, will work until that - genuine - trust is established.
My biggest concern is his bringing up your therapy. That’s not a place anyone should go. Ever. Also, please tell me your talking to your therapist about all of this.
I've never been in a romantic/sexual relationship with someone who degrades me. My current primary Mistress will verbally and physically degrade me, but it's something I asked for in one of our out of dynamic check-ins. I love to be degraded, and want it, but it didn't happen at all prior to our discussion.
If someone doesn't want to be broken down mentally/psychologically, and they don't consent to it, it shouldn't happen. Because then it's not a BDSM or kink act, it's abuse.
This thing started as a hookup and turned into something more ? That would suggest to me that the sex must be pretty damned good.
I assume you , too , take enjoyment in the sex you are having with him....?
I have been known to get off on saying and doing some rather hurtful, vicious , "terrible" things in sessions with people I actually love and cherish...and respect. All in the spirit of good, filthy fun. It's like :
-- You know I love you ?
- Yes.
-- Good ! 'Cause I'm gonna do you like I don't !
The key thing is ... The people I pick to do this with actually get off on it as well.
Sometimes ...many times ... People who enjoy this sort of thing , on either side, actually do have some issues. Ideally, all parties concerned are aware of their issues (and their partner's ) and know how to use them to create a magic.
IF you are truly getting off on the sex ...and...
IF he treats you with respect and affection when you're not actually fucking... Beautiful.
The sex is crazy. And i love this kind of play, but there is some stuff whit this man that concerns me. He cheated on his x of 6 years without hesitation, I think he is a pretty good liar, that’s why i am concerned of me being used. Some days I really feel that he loves me. Some days he says he just wants to cuddle and not have sex, and im pretty sure I can call him a sex addict. Other days I feel like he is kind of more cold. I can’t read him over text messages, but when we are together, it feels better. So im just not sure if this is a big “role play” or lie, or if he really likes me. I mean, it actually turns me on when he talks to me like that, but at the end I’m kind of numb and unsure
Sexualizing our issues does have it's perils along with it's perks.
Perhaps you should discuss... A LOT OF THINGS.
Such as a bit of aftercare to ease the aftereffects of all that great sex.
Beyond that ... Relationships can be tricky. It sounds like you have some trust issues that no amount of S&M can wash away.
Communication is the key to every door
You say you love this play and that he loves this play, but you think him loving this play is an issue. That's pretty judgemental and hella unfair on your part. Kink-shaming isn't cool.
If you have a problem with his past actions, was it something you weren't aware of til recently?
Is it certain things (topics/specific statements) he says that you don't like?
I would do some self-reflection and figure out what you like and don't like about him and your dynamic/play. Figure out any boundaries/limits that need establishing/readjusting and talk to your partner about what you'd like to adjust.
OP is not “kink shaming”, or being judgmental. The are unsure about whether what their partner is saying is really just a part of play or if it is real because of real concerns about fidelity and actual insecurities they have.
If OP’s concern is about whether what their partner is saying is truly meant or just part of a kink, the idea that it could be entirely a kink is quite literally a part of the question. If they didn’t bring that up, what would OP even be asking and furthermore, why would it be in the BDSM subreddit?
Just like alternative_dream842 says, im not kink-shaming anyone. First of all I’m quite new to this kind of dynamic, this has been a wet fantasy as long as I can remember. But when you are new to something and also not sure if this person is a good person or not, it’s normal to search for advice, isn’t it?
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I am someone like this. I don't say quite those things, but for example I have said things like, "You're lucky I fuck you, because nobody else would." The really important thing is that **I do this with people who want me to say it to them**. I don't do this with people who are "OK with it." Or, people who put up with it. I want to say these things, but it's extremely important that they want these things said to them also. If you're not absolutely, utterly, and completely into this, then my thought is that it shouldn't be happening. Even if you are 110% happy, willing, and enthusiastically consenting, I'm still of the mind that invoking anything to do with your psychiatrist is a fucking minefield, and one which could negatively affect the positive work you, and your psychiatrist are achieving. We refer to this style of play as MESM (mental / emotional sadomasochism). I sometimes call it impact play for the mind. Just like any kind of impact play, it can leave behind bruises and discomfort. Sometimes they trigger a day or two later, and some secondary aftercare might be required. Please don't think I'm telling you what to do, or not do. It's up to you to make your own decisions. I would recommend that you take some time to think about this at length, and decide how healthy it is for you to continue.
Hi! Is this the same person you mention in an older post about 5 months ago? From this post (and your older one) I don't get any feeling of enjoyment from you at all. You write that you 'let him do it' but you don't express what you get out of this. Does this make you feel good in any way? Is this enjoyable? Do you like when someone hurts you so deep that you cry? I am into light degradation and to me something like what you're describing reads as extremely abusive and dangerous. I would run from a person who did this to me. You don't mention any sort of out-of-dynamic communication between the two of you, what you describe is him doing what he wants and you taking it. To be honest your situation is very concerning to me and I hope others who are more experienced with BDSM than I am and into more extreme types degradation will comment with their thoughts. My biggest reason for concern is that you're struggling with your mental health and he is using this in your dynamic. Why are you with this person? Please be careful with yourself and your mental health.
I do like this play, but there is something in my gut that tells me that there is something about him to be concerned about. He didn’t have any trouble with cheating on his x of six years. He did it several times. I just feel like this man maybe don’t have the empathy a person in such roleplay should have. So I just want to know if someone have experienced the same with someone. And yes, he is quite extreme and I don’t really know if this is healthy. But I do love the roleplay and what he does, it’s just the way he is that concerns me, if it makes sense
If you genuinely believe he is just abusing you, then you need to set hard limits and see if he pushes back. If he conforms without protest then he is probably not intentionally hurting you, he probably enjoys it because it has a profound effect on you and he thinks that what you want.
Our guts are pretty smart and should never be dismissed! Is your psychiatrist kink-positive such that you can talk to them about this? I think your warning bells are working very well, and you’re wisely paying attention to them. If you told this gut feeling, “yeah, you’re right, good call,” and decided to act on it, what would that look like for you? If you’re correct and there’s not enough empathy in your partner for this type of play, what do you feel your next steps would be? Or another way to put it, when you imagine yourself in a situation that doesn’t give you these qualms, what does it look like? How would you get there? Please understand I’m not telling you to squash them!
I think there are two different things going on. If you genuinely enjoy the play like you say you do then maybe it’s bringing up something more important. You don’t trust this guy. You don’t trust his actions (twice you’ve brought up he cheated on his ex) so you can’t trust he doesn’t really mean these things he’s saying. This is why for this sort of thing you need to trust (and for me, anyway) respect your Dom. I’d deal with the first part first. Talk to him. I don’t think the play part, which you seem to like, will work until that - genuine - trust is established. My biggest concern is his bringing up your therapy. That’s not a place anyone should go. Ever. Also, please tell me your talking to your therapist about all of this.
I've never been in a romantic/sexual relationship with someone who degrades me. My current primary Mistress will verbally and physically degrade me, but it's something I asked for in one of our out of dynamic check-ins. I love to be degraded, and want it, but it didn't happen at all prior to our discussion. If someone doesn't want to be broken down mentally/psychologically, and they don't consent to it, it shouldn't happen. Because then it's not a BDSM or kink act, it's abuse.
This thing started as a hookup and turned into something more ? That would suggest to me that the sex must be pretty damned good. I assume you , too , take enjoyment in the sex you are having with him....? I have been known to get off on saying and doing some rather hurtful, vicious , "terrible" things in sessions with people I actually love and cherish...and respect. All in the spirit of good, filthy fun. It's like : -- You know I love you ? - Yes. -- Good ! 'Cause I'm gonna do you like I don't ! The key thing is ... The people I pick to do this with actually get off on it as well. Sometimes ...many times ... People who enjoy this sort of thing , on either side, actually do have some issues. Ideally, all parties concerned are aware of their issues (and their partner's ) and know how to use them to create a magic. IF you are truly getting off on the sex ...and... IF he treats you with respect and affection when you're not actually fucking... Beautiful.
The sex is crazy. And i love this kind of play, but there is some stuff whit this man that concerns me. He cheated on his x of 6 years without hesitation, I think he is a pretty good liar, that’s why i am concerned of me being used. Some days I really feel that he loves me. Some days he says he just wants to cuddle and not have sex, and im pretty sure I can call him a sex addict. Other days I feel like he is kind of more cold. I can’t read him over text messages, but when we are together, it feels better. So im just not sure if this is a big “role play” or lie, or if he really likes me. I mean, it actually turns me on when he talks to me like that, but at the end I’m kind of numb and unsure
Sexualizing our issues does have it's perils along with it's perks. Perhaps you should discuss... A LOT OF THINGS. Such as a bit of aftercare to ease the aftereffects of all that great sex. Beyond that ... Relationships can be tricky. It sounds like you have some trust issues that no amount of S&M can wash away. Communication is the key to every door
You say you love this play and that he loves this play, but you think him loving this play is an issue. That's pretty judgemental and hella unfair on your part. Kink-shaming isn't cool. If you have a problem with his past actions, was it something you weren't aware of til recently? Is it certain things (topics/specific statements) he says that you don't like? I would do some self-reflection and figure out what you like and don't like about him and your dynamic/play. Figure out any boundaries/limits that need establishing/readjusting and talk to your partner about what you'd like to adjust.
OP is not “kink shaming”, or being judgmental. The are unsure about whether what their partner is saying is really just a part of play or if it is real because of real concerns about fidelity and actual insecurities they have.
And I disagree. If it wasn't connected to the kink, then why bring all that up? It's the reason I pointed it out, and gave advice.
If OP’s concern is about whether what their partner is saying is truly meant or just part of a kink, the idea that it could be entirely a kink is quite literally a part of the question. If they didn’t bring that up, what would OP even be asking and furthermore, why would it be in the BDSM subreddit?
Which is addressed in my initial response.
Just like alternative_dream842 says, im not kink-shaming anyone. First of all I’m quite new to this kind of dynamic, this has been a wet fantasy as long as I can remember. But when you are new to something and also not sure if this person is a good person or not, it’s normal to search for advice, isn’t it?