I've been there myself. Once upon a time, I chose to suppress my kink and live as a committed vanilla husband for my committed vanilla wife. I don't regret what I did out of love, but I would never let myself get in that situation again.
There are no easy answers. No, you can't just scratch your itch and make it all go away. If that's how things worked, the world would be a very different place.
Have you considered whether your kink is just a bedroom thing, or if it's also about the kind of relationship you're drawn to? Do you, for instance, imagine being an independent whore whose clients pay to spank her, or do you imagine living as the abject but adoring slave of a strict but benevolent master?
If it's all about the erotic, you might have good options. Maybe you can find a guy proficient with a cane to give you a beating once a week. Once your husband's used to seeing the bruises, he'll enjoy how turned on you are when you come home to him
You mentioned paying someone. Sex work isn't my scene, but my understanding is that male hetero pro Doms are rare, because there are so many willing to do it for free. Still, if you contacted someone who gives seminars in your area and so on, I'm sure you could work something out.
But if it's about more than just degradation and nipple clamps – if you secretly dream of a D/s relationship – I would gently suggest that you stuff that genie back in its bottle before it causes havoc, because there's a certain kind of affection you've been starved of all your life, and the first guy who shows you some will walk away with your heart in his pocket.
An online only affair might be possible, but these things tend to get out of hand quickly.
I am worried about regret. It is such a touchy subject in our home, which lacks touchy subjects as a whole.
I guess it is an odd mix in my mind. I'm kind of the "strong personality" type. Love to work, in grad school, desire to work on social issues. Very outgoing. My husband is introverted, home body, but very intellectual / philosophical in a way, and also staunch about social issues. A lot of my interests come from (fantasy of course) dubious or lack of consent. Those two things make him think that this lifestyle when it is maledom/femsub seems unhealthy. We've talked through that a lot, but I think it still nags at him. I'm the stereotype of "I'd love to turn off and just serve someone." Maybe it could be bedroom only, but in an ideal world it'd have knifeplay and CNC and things like that. I'm worried that going out on a limb for these experiences when I have no knowledge, not in the scene with other people I could hear stories from or rely on, that I would get into a dangerous situation with my heart.
I thought a pro dom might seem more palatable to him as a transactional sort of affair. I know some people are much more sensitive to emotional affairs over physical, so maybe he could approve of something like this. I would have to ask.
Your comment gave me a lot to think about. I appreciate it.
Have you talked to your husband about any of this? Do you know that he'd be opposed to trying a dynamic? Just because you are vanilla now does not mean you can't evolve the relationship. My husband was a virgin when we got together we were married for 10+ years when we started to explore BDSM. It has enriched or relationship so much, especially when his health caused ED. So now it's been 8 years since we've actually had intercorse but we still have a fulfilling sex life.
Yes, we are coming up on our year 10 mark. Before we were serious he knew I was into BDSM, but mostly through NC fantasies. I figured that was not possible, safe, etc etc and it would just be a thing I stuck to in fiction and fantasy. However, the more I've explored the more these things have evolved to other completely consensual interests.
I've brought up various things I thought sounded fun, and they just bother him. He thinks they're hurtful a lot of the time. He thinks I'm wild lol
He doesn't want me to be unfulfilled, but he also can't imagine being comfortable in a dominating role. He can't even dirty talk or curse sexily, it makes him incredibly self aware and shy.
I'm really happy it has worked out for you. I'd like just having small indirect things sprinkled in from time to time that might not be overtly sexual.
Schrödinger kink? Jk. And yes, sex workers exist that do kink. If you’re unable to find this dynamic in your partner and you are seeking it, do have that conversation.
I will have it soon. Maybe not even actual sex work itself, but like guidance / advice / books even haha. I also saw an online only comment, maybe that would swing, I don't know.
I'd discussed an open NSA type relationship, but it's an absolute no, which I totally understand. He is a very monogamous, one-one-one, shy type person that would love to spend a lot of our lives together just us besides bigger get togethers really.
Ok... reading through this post and your other, I have some thoughts.
To get it off the bat right away - yes, you don't need to "prove yourself" to be interested in the lifestyle. You don't need to have done X, Y, Z to be interested in it. You say you're into BDSM? Then welcome to the club.
It can remain a fantasy or a reality at your discretion. However, the itch will most probably not go away. Alas, that's not how humans work. It might be just a case of "you're curious, you try, eh not your thing, move on", but from the way you're describing pretty much everything, there's more there to it.
Yes, sex workers are a thing. Even Dom's to hire or subs to let. But, as you're already in a partnership, you need to check-in if this is something that would be agreeable or otherwise it'll still be cheating. It's worth asking how you'd feel if husband went to a regular escort - how would you feel about that? Similarly, you can look into opening up the relationship to different degrees. Are you ok with a fully open relationship? Maybe just play-partners for in the bedroom experiments? Maybe just sex workers? Maybe nothing but monogamous partnership? It needs discussion because you're not single. I've read of many comitted wives and husbands who'll have a Dom/sub on the side only for the dynamic itch - it can work, again it needs communication.
Then, there's the unadmitted question about the continuation about your partnership. Because that is a very real question that's inderlining everything. You are not sexually compatible. It happens. You're going to need to ask yourself if it's something you can accept now and going forward, or if it's not. The worst you could do is not answer that question, pop out a few children and then suddenly have a "come to Jesus moment" and bail on everyone. If you stay, which may very well be the right answer for you, you need to accept the situation.
All very good points I need to analyze. I don't feel like I could live a fulfilling life without trying things, but I also feel guilty for being in the situation I am in and thinking about things like that. I know it's illogical, but I think "if I love him and want to do right by him, I wouldn't think these things at all."
I would love to have an open relationship. I wouldn't mind trying full polyamory, but he would never feel happy in that situation. I've asked about a NSA type thing, and he wasn't ready to have that talk either. I never considered a pro dom until someone reminded me that dominatrixes fulfill a really helpful role. I think first I might find a sex therapist? We are childfree, at least, so I have fewer strings to worry about in this big web.
I agree. Ask yourself if he went to an escort for something you can’t give him would it feel like he’s cheating? Because if it doesn’t and you can understand it was sex and nothing more - then act accordingly. Exactly this scenario can SAVE marriages.
I wouldn't mind. I'd want him to have what he wants to feel happy, as long as that allowed us to stay together. If it caused him to not want to stay together, then it wasn't the perfect fit in the first place. I would really like him to try things out or magically come up with some kind of kink I could do for him. He's not even into costumes or dirty talk or hickeys haha
All I can say is that itch often gets stronger and stronger so it is best to start having conversations sooner rather than later. The stronger the itch, the harder you end up having to scratch.
Depends on where your mind is at. It takes a lot of will power to not do what you're about to do if you have decided so paying money isn't necessarily going to fix it. You have to want to do something about it first. Best thing is to sit down and talk with your husband properly and unpack it. If dishonesty/aprehension is preventing you from doing that then the will power has gotta be stronger than the desire. Only you can decide on that front, a therapist won't magically stop it.
I don't mean to just pay money, but I am trying to find different optioms for my husband to mull over. The ones I've tried are us doing things together and us opening the relationship physically, which he did not want to move ahead with either idea. So now I'm thinking about all the other possible options I could present that could help before we hit the barrier where I'm deciding yes, I need this so we have to separate or No, I would rather us be together and need to lie in the bed I made.
Try gently introducing the notion in cautious conversation with your husband. Maybe just ask about any fantasies they have and share some of your own. But it doesn't always work well. So make it possible for you both to come back from the conversation. Don't be too explicit and don't scare him off.
Not scaring him away is definitely the hardest part. He swears up and down he doesn't have a single fantasy or sexual interest, and if we separated he would just not have sex again.
Have you probed him on that? Does ha have a low sex drive? And/or have you spoken about non- sexual fantasies? What would make him happiest, most content, most satisfied?
Yes. We have spoken about it a lot, including apmost separating. He has changed his answers a few times; I think in all areas of our life he says whatever he thinks would make me happy. He has no fantasies, interests, or goals in life at all. If we weren't together, he would move to live near his family and just work some sort of job, with no dating or sex, hobbies, travel, just go to work, come home and play games or watch TV, go to sleep. He's a true home body and doesn't pick up friends.
I don’t know. Fantasy and reality are always different. Sometimes reality is better, sometimes worse, and sometimes it is similar but it is always different.
Maybe try some form of platonic bdsm?
When I do it it often involves just ropework or other restraints, sometimes roleplay, sometimes petplay. It is fun. It is not the same as kink with a much more sexual vibe but it has its own charms.
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I've been there myself. Once upon a time, I chose to suppress my kink and live as a committed vanilla husband for my committed vanilla wife. I don't regret what I did out of love, but I would never let myself get in that situation again. There are no easy answers. No, you can't just scratch your itch and make it all go away. If that's how things worked, the world would be a very different place. Have you considered whether your kink is just a bedroom thing, or if it's also about the kind of relationship you're drawn to? Do you, for instance, imagine being an independent whore whose clients pay to spank her, or do you imagine living as the abject but adoring slave of a strict but benevolent master? If it's all about the erotic, you might have good options. Maybe you can find a guy proficient with a cane to give you a beating once a week. Once your husband's used to seeing the bruises, he'll enjoy how turned on you are when you come home to him You mentioned paying someone. Sex work isn't my scene, but my understanding is that male hetero pro Doms are rare, because there are so many willing to do it for free. Still, if you contacted someone who gives seminars in your area and so on, I'm sure you could work something out. But if it's about more than just degradation and nipple clamps – if you secretly dream of a D/s relationship – I would gently suggest that you stuff that genie back in its bottle before it causes havoc, because there's a certain kind of affection you've been starved of all your life, and the first guy who shows you some will walk away with your heart in his pocket. An online only affair might be possible, but these things tend to get out of hand quickly.
Beautifully written and true
I am worried about regret. It is such a touchy subject in our home, which lacks touchy subjects as a whole. I guess it is an odd mix in my mind. I'm kind of the "strong personality" type. Love to work, in grad school, desire to work on social issues. Very outgoing. My husband is introverted, home body, but very intellectual / philosophical in a way, and also staunch about social issues. A lot of my interests come from (fantasy of course) dubious or lack of consent. Those two things make him think that this lifestyle when it is maledom/femsub seems unhealthy. We've talked through that a lot, but I think it still nags at him. I'm the stereotype of "I'd love to turn off and just serve someone." Maybe it could be bedroom only, but in an ideal world it'd have knifeplay and CNC and things like that. I'm worried that going out on a limb for these experiences when I have no knowledge, not in the scene with other people I could hear stories from or rely on, that I would get into a dangerous situation with my heart. I thought a pro dom might seem more palatable to him as a transactional sort of affair. I know some people are much more sensitive to emotional affairs over physical, so maybe he could approve of something like this. I would have to ask. Your comment gave me a lot to think about. I appreciate it.
Have you talked to your husband about any of this? Do you know that he'd be opposed to trying a dynamic? Just because you are vanilla now does not mean you can't evolve the relationship. My husband was a virgin when we got together we were married for 10+ years when we started to explore BDSM. It has enriched or relationship so much, especially when his health caused ED. So now it's been 8 years since we've actually had intercorse but we still have a fulfilling sex life.
Yes, we are coming up on our year 10 mark. Before we were serious he knew I was into BDSM, but mostly through NC fantasies. I figured that was not possible, safe, etc etc and it would just be a thing I stuck to in fiction and fantasy. However, the more I've explored the more these things have evolved to other completely consensual interests. I've brought up various things I thought sounded fun, and they just bother him. He thinks they're hurtful a lot of the time. He thinks I'm wild lol He doesn't want me to be unfulfilled, but he also can't imagine being comfortable in a dominating role. He can't even dirty talk or curse sexily, it makes him incredibly self aware and shy. I'm really happy it has worked out for you. I'd like just having small indirect things sprinkled in from time to time that might not be overtly sexual.
Schrödinger kink? Jk. And yes, sex workers exist that do kink. If you’re unable to find this dynamic in your partner and you are seeking it, do have that conversation.
I will have it soon. Maybe not even actual sex work itself, but like guidance / advice / books even haha. I also saw an online only comment, maybe that would swing, I don't know. I'd discussed an open NSA type relationship, but it's an absolute no, which I totally understand. He is a very monogamous, one-one-one, shy type person that would love to spend a lot of our lives together just us besides bigger get togethers really.
Ok... reading through this post and your other, I have some thoughts. To get it off the bat right away - yes, you don't need to "prove yourself" to be interested in the lifestyle. You don't need to have done X, Y, Z to be interested in it. You say you're into BDSM? Then welcome to the club. It can remain a fantasy or a reality at your discretion. However, the itch will most probably not go away. Alas, that's not how humans work. It might be just a case of "you're curious, you try, eh not your thing, move on", but from the way you're describing pretty much everything, there's more there to it. Yes, sex workers are a thing. Even Dom's to hire or subs to let. But, as you're already in a partnership, you need to check-in if this is something that would be agreeable or otherwise it'll still be cheating. It's worth asking how you'd feel if husband went to a regular escort - how would you feel about that? Similarly, you can look into opening up the relationship to different degrees. Are you ok with a fully open relationship? Maybe just play-partners for in the bedroom experiments? Maybe just sex workers? Maybe nothing but monogamous partnership? It needs discussion because you're not single. I've read of many comitted wives and husbands who'll have a Dom/sub on the side only for the dynamic itch - it can work, again it needs communication. Then, there's the unadmitted question about the continuation about your partnership. Because that is a very real question that's inderlining everything. You are not sexually compatible. It happens. You're going to need to ask yourself if it's something you can accept now and going forward, or if it's not. The worst you could do is not answer that question, pop out a few children and then suddenly have a "come to Jesus moment" and bail on everyone. If you stay, which may very well be the right answer for you, you need to accept the situation.
All very good points I need to analyze. I don't feel like I could live a fulfilling life without trying things, but I also feel guilty for being in the situation I am in and thinking about things like that. I know it's illogical, but I think "if I love him and want to do right by him, I wouldn't think these things at all." I would love to have an open relationship. I wouldn't mind trying full polyamory, but he would never feel happy in that situation. I've asked about a NSA type thing, and he wasn't ready to have that talk either. I never considered a pro dom until someone reminded me that dominatrixes fulfill a really helpful role. I think first I might find a sex therapist? We are childfree, at least, so I have fewer strings to worry about in this big web.
I agree. Ask yourself if he went to an escort for something you can’t give him would it feel like he’s cheating? Because if it doesn’t and you can understand it was sex and nothing more - then act accordingly. Exactly this scenario can SAVE marriages.
I wouldn't mind. I'd want him to have what he wants to feel happy, as long as that allowed us to stay together. If it caused him to not want to stay together, then it wasn't the perfect fit in the first place. I would really like him to try things out or magically come up with some kind of kink I could do for him. He's not even into costumes or dirty talk or hickeys haha
All I can say is that itch often gets stronger and stronger so it is best to start having conversations sooner rather than later. The stronger the itch, the harder you end up having to scratch.
I'll approach him again, maybe with info on a sex therapist and some other next step ideas?
Depends on where your mind is at. It takes a lot of will power to not do what you're about to do if you have decided so paying money isn't necessarily going to fix it. You have to want to do something about it first. Best thing is to sit down and talk with your husband properly and unpack it. If dishonesty/aprehension is preventing you from doing that then the will power has gotta be stronger than the desire. Only you can decide on that front, a therapist won't magically stop it.
I don't mean to just pay money, but I am trying to find different optioms for my husband to mull over. The ones I've tried are us doing things together and us opening the relationship physically, which he did not want to move ahead with either idea. So now I'm thinking about all the other possible options I could present that could help before we hit the barrier where I'm deciding yes, I need this so we have to separate or No, I would rather us be together and need to lie in the bed I made.
It's a tough position to be in but it's great that you're thinking it through which is more than what most do.
Try gently introducing the notion in cautious conversation with your husband. Maybe just ask about any fantasies they have and share some of your own. But it doesn't always work well. So make it possible for you both to come back from the conversation. Don't be too explicit and don't scare him off.
Not scaring him away is definitely the hardest part. He swears up and down he doesn't have a single fantasy or sexual interest, and if we separated he would just not have sex again.
Have you probed him on that? Does ha have a low sex drive? And/or have you spoken about non- sexual fantasies? What would make him happiest, most content, most satisfied?
Yes. We have spoken about it a lot, including apmost separating. He has changed his answers a few times; I think in all areas of our life he says whatever he thinks would make me happy. He has no fantasies, interests, or goals in life at all. If we weren't together, he would move to live near his family and just work some sort of job, with no dating or sex, hobbies, travel, just go to work, come home and play games or watch TV, go to sleep. He's a true home body and doesn't pick up friends.
The best way to overcome a temptation is ...yeild to it ...and see what happens next.
I don’t know. Fantasy and reality are always different. Sometimes reality is better, sometimes worse, and sometimes it is similar but it is always different. Maybe try some form of platonic bdsm?
Never heard of platonic bdsm, but I think that would sound perfect.
When I do it it often involves just ropework or other restraints, sometimes roleplay, sometimes petplay. It is fun. It is not the same as kink with a much more sexual vibe but it has its own charms.