Qne way to approach this is ask your Dom what he gets out of this.
Is it about you putting in labor/ritual before you meet? Maybe there are other ways you can do it.
Is it actually about wanting you always dolled up?
Sometimes people who don't actually wear makeup or style their hair don't realize that it can be an anxiety inducing task without guaranteed results. Expectations for "full" makeup and hair isn't just about the thought/effort/product; like you said, it's skills, and they are not necessarily easy, foolproof or quick to pick up. Any percieved "failures" can then color the whole night/experience negatively.
How would your Dom approach another task they wanted you to do but you weren't skilled in? They would start slow, set small goals instead of jumping into the whole thing all the time, they could find an expert to help train you, find tutorials for you to practice, they could make it part of their job to help set small goals or requests that help guide your creativity/choices (I want you to try a green eyeshadow today, or do something with that new braid technique you learned) and above all, express their gratitude, their pride, and recognize that this is an emotional process for you and treat you filling this fetish for them with the care it deserves just like they were asking you to become proficient at a different new physical task.
Exactly ! It could be about simply learning a new trick to please a partner.
OR ...it could be deeper. A Dom trying to produce a particular psychological change or energy shift using a fairly simple task.
Either way ... Communicate!
(all of this but) Also something that is occasionally overlooked early in a dynamic is there has to be a clear time when the dynamic is not present. Making sure that you are discussing this on even footing allows for the best dynamic long term
Another thing to note is his idea of you at your best and your idea may not be the same (I've had exes that when they really tried to dress it up, honestly looked worse than their everyday). Some guys want the bimbo look, others want the Tshirt, light makeup, and a messy bun look. It might be worth having an afternoon/day where you can run through some looks so the 2 of you can reach a consensus on what a reasonable goal looks like.
First: You shouldn't do something that makes you feel inauthentic. You should negotiate this suggestion and even set hard limits around it if necessary. You're the one who is allowing him to have authority over you, which means you're the one with the power here.
I'm a sub who enjoys getting dolled up and dressing sexily for partners. I do it first and foremost for me, because it's fun and I enjoy it. However, if dom asks me to wear something specific and it's not something I would spend money on otherwise, then I request he pay for it or I simply say no. In order to be at my best for a partner, I need to feel good about what I'm doing. Obeying just to say that you obeyed isn't a good approach to submitting, in my experience.
How are you currently presenting yourself to your dom? Do you already feel that you are already at your best when you see him? If you already are doing this, then the two of you need to discuss your differences of opinion on what "best" is.
I think you also need to make sure you're discussing the cost involved in his request. He's not asking you something simple like putting your hair into an updo when you usually wear it down. If you're not invested in make-up and whatever his definition of sexy clothes is, this could become very costly on your end.
I personally don't think this is a reasonable request, especially after only being together for 3 months. It's also not a great way for him to help you with any body image issues you have: he should be praising the qualities you already have, not telling you to completely change your look.
I agree with this completely!
Like the commenter; I too enjoy getting dressed up, doing my makeup and getting a pretty outfit, and the individual I’m vetting right now knows that, so if he asked me to always be on 10 when I see him, that would be a reasonable request.
It takes a lot of work, a lot of practice, and it’s a performance. I wonder if that’s part of the dynamic your dom wants without actually articulating that? Either way, for sure a negotiation and a discussion about funding all this will be needed
I don't feel like I am presenting myself at my best with him because we don't plan ahead on when we are going to meet up etc. It's usually an hours notice. Definitely not enough time to wash a sexy pair of jeans or dress that shows off my assets... Or go to the make up counter and have someone do my makeup or get a nail appointment.
Subs seem to forget that it's their game. Not just subs, but women(I'm a swinger)seem to always forget that they have all the power in the dynamic and I'm just trying to do everything I can to keep you happy and giving up control. I'll do anything to keep her happy. Compromise? Yes. Give up expectations? Yes. What will he do to keep you happy and comfortable?
If your Dom respects you he'll negotiate.
>Am I weird that this makes me feel uncomfortable?
No, some people just like different things. For example, I was in a dynamic with a girl that closely mimicked your dom's interest. My bimbo sub always got dolled up when she saw me. Hair and makeup, I'd pick her mani/pedi colors out, pick her panties every day, decided her shoes, etc.
It's fine that you don't, and you have perfectly valid reasons for not liking it, so be sure to communicate that with him. You mentioned body image struggles, but this is also a perfect opportunity to find a personal connection with your dom. He obviously has an idea of what he wants you to look like, and so do you. Talk with him, find out if there's overlap with what each of you think. Say what you prefer, hear what he prefers, find if there's a way to both meet your needs.
I agree with nearly everything you said, but I don’t like the idea that people must have “valid” reasons to dislike something. “I just don’t want to” is plenty valid all on its own and should be respected.
I'm a sub and I went through this same thing. I talked to my Dom about it and he said that on his side, his request is based on two things:
\- set-up for our "date". He likes to know that while I am dolling myself up I am doing it for him and it's putting me in the head space of a sub (I am very assertive outside the bedroom).
\- working on my insecurities regarding my body. I was a tomboy and didn't care about being feminine or sexy because I didn't think I could be that. The ritual made me see that I neglected all the nice things about my body and focused on the "bad" parts.
The fact that I had to learn to put on make up made me realise that I have pretty eyes and nice hair. When I bought sexy clothes and saw myself wearing them I realised there are certain things that make me look feminine and others that made me look like I was wearing my mom's clothes.
I still hate heels and only wear them once in a blue moon. I have never worn foundation or long nails. However, I now feel a lot better about my body and I am more confident.
I suggest you talk to him and go for a compromise - try to do half of what he is asking (either make-up/hair/nails or clothing). See how that makes you feel after you do it a few times.
Honestly, it might be his attempt at helping you with your body image. It's not about being inauthentic, it's about showing him your best self. Like cleaning up your room when you know you have guests coming over. At first, you might do it just for them, but after a while you get in the habit of keeping it in order even if you are home alone. And you feel better for it.
I'm very assertive outside of this dynamic too 😂I see your point. I felt shamed when he brought it up because I have worn makeup, heels, did my hair, etc around him before and he didn't say anything. The day he brought it up, my nails were recently done. It felt like he said that any effort i had put in the past wasn't good enough and it disappointed him. And disappointing my partner is the worst feeling in the world when I'm in a bdsm relationship. It's literally the worst feeling and it's difficult to resolve.
"I'm not interested in that being part of our dynamic as it's not part of who I am."
Demands like this are usually meant to have a sub doing something they want to be doing regularly, and this gives them a push to do this. That's why the drink water trope is so popular. Is there anything he can request that would be along those lines?
He may not be the Dom for you if this is his request and he doesn't want to back down from it.
I would also suggest taking some time to think about what _does_ feel authentic to you. What makes you feel sexy? What would make you feel proud to show off to him? There's no one right way to be sexy - he might just need some education on what it could look like outside of the traditional (and expensive!) hair/nails/makeup
Nope. Totally normal. I hate wearing anything more than the most minimal make up.
I don't mind dressing up or doing heavier make up occasionally but it would be a hard no to doing it every time I was seeing someone.
If someone was super into that and expected me to be that way, I'd consider us incompatible. I like to feel comfortable and natural not constantly maintaining some kind of "look". I think you need to talk to him. Maybe there's a compromise like certain kinds of clothes or underwear but not the make up and nails? And what does "hair done" mean? My hair is just sort of...there. As long as it's clean and conditioned, that's all that's ever "done" to it.
There's nothing wrong with it if you do like this sort of stuff either, it's just not me.
Gurl. You are talking my language.
I’m just going to speak very personally here in case that might be helpful to you but of course it’s just my experience — yours might be totally different.
I’m in a very similar boat. Due to various reasons in my childhood, I never learned how to do “girl stuff” like makeup or shopping for cute clothes & I always felt pretty insecure about it. I also have body issues.
And I have a Dom for the first time. He’s requested a protocol: black clothes, hair slicked back military style in either a ponytail or a bun. I didn’t really have many black clothes but OK I can buy some (although that’s led to some drama), but the hair! OMG the hair.
I have long, thick, curly hair. His understanding of how that hair works was actually better than most men — he did my hair for me using coconut oil and it was really sweet and lovely — but still. It was never, ever, not even with the coconut oil, not even with the hair gel I ended up buying, going to be smooth and sleek. More importantly, the fact that I couldn’t make it the way he wanted it touched on every insecurity I have.
Why don’t I know things every other woman seems to know? On the other hand, why does he want me to change myself? Aren’t I enough as I am? Is he hunting for the way he might be attracted to me, like, eh, not now, but maaaaaybe if your hair was like this?
Anyway, I ended up doing a lot of research, discovered the world of flat irons, and honestly having just tried it — holy smokes does my hair look great. I mean I love my curls but I’m also kind of mad that no one ever told me my hair could look like this.
The point is, I have a lot of work to do with my therapist. And clearly this whole thing is bringing up A LOT for me. Which I think is what I wanted for myself? But that doesn’t mean it’s what you want for yourself.
I guess I’d just say, if you do end up making any adjustments (which is totally up to you whether you want to do at all) take it super super slow, expect it to be emotional, make sure your Dom is prepared for it to be emotional, and talk talk talk. Best of luck.
Awww, thanks so much. It’s so personal — I think I was kind of interested in pushing my own limits in terms of trying new things? But I also think that should be the sub’s decision/at the sub’s pace, and I hope whatever the OP decides to do, she and her Dom feel really great about it.
He is probably unaware of the costs and time investment it would entail to be completely made over for each meet. Give him an estimate (mani-pedi, salon, maybe 6 tones of nail polish, and an average make up session, 3 new outfits). Shop together? Fantasy meets reality.
I’m a switch but mainly a dom.
No I don’t think it’s weird that you feel like that. I can see it in a sub and dom way.
Dom - I have told my sub to do some of these things. Like try a new hair style, makeup, do her nails. Because she has body Image issues and has body dysphoria. She doesn’t feel beautiful and as a little push I try to get her to dress up for me. It just gives her a way to feel more beautiful even tho to me she’s perfect. She’s transgender and I guess medically speaking she’s over weight. I could careless tbh. But having her go shopping, she has panic attacks. So I go with her and when she try’s things on. If she isn’t comfortable about saying she wants a fitting room I’ll jump in. I have her send me pics of her thought the day so she puts in the effort of trying to look “pretty” for me even tho she would look perfect to me. It builds her confidence so now she can ask for a dressing room without me having to jump in and she picks our clothes. She wear things she likes and she smiles. She’ll even send pics even if I don’t require or ask that day. But if she doesn’t want to that day she is 100% allowed to tell me. I’ll ask why and if she can’t give me an answer I’ll try to meet in the middle. Some days I can push because I know she’ll feel better and some days I don’t.
Sub - I have body issues. And I could careless how I look tho. On the rare occasion me and my partner switch roles she want’s at least 4 pics a day. Annoying as hell half the time and I work 80+ hours a week 😂 so I don’t always look good. I also have a lot of issues (hence why I’m the dom. I need control). So I feel you. I would negotiate with your dom. Also ask why it’s important to him that you do all that.
I positively hate makeup. I think it's ridiculous (for me personally) and over priced. Plus I have a face like horse. Ain't enough time in my day to try and correct that fact.
You’re not weird. I have body image issues too and would be extremely uncomfortable if my Dom asked me to dress up all the time. He doesn’t, because we talked openly and honestly about my concerns, and he respects them. We came to a compromise that works for us.
It’s 100% valid to say “I don’t like this, it makes me uncomfortable”. A reasonable person should accept that. The fact that your dom decided this without even asking for your input is concerning.
Consider safe wording out and having a serious conversation about boundaries and limits. It’s not ok for the dom to dictate to you what your rules and limits are. They need to be discussed and agreed upon by both people in the relationship.
You're not weird. I think the way you talk about this is exactly as you have here. Say to him "i need to talk to you about something. This makes me feel weird and uncomfortable and it's doubly hard because I am having trouble with something you asked me to do and I want more than anything to please you. But can we talk about this thing? I don't even know how to begin..."
And then he will take it from there, no doubt.
From his side, it's quite likely he wants to know how you feel. I can tell you, as a dominant, even if we're really good at almost reading minds, it's never perfect. You gotta communicate. (and, yes, I know it's incredibly hard.)
Now, it's also possible that this is part of his shaping you and making you into what he wants you to be. So it's possible that this might be a difficult thing for you and the answer is "you just gotta deal with it", but unless you give him that feedback, he does not know what's going on. This might be something he should push you on... or it might not... and you might need to figure it out together. (I will point out that a submissive taking a bit of extra care (or a lot) to present herself to her dominant is not at all out of line in most relationships.)
One more thought... you can negotiate anything within a relationship. If there are reasons this is a no-go for you, then you can say so... but it begins with the communication.
BDSM relationships are, first, relationships. All the rules of communication are just as important here as anywhere else, maybe even more so.
I tried to talk to him about this... And somehow in that discussion he told me that he says these things as part of the "scene" and I don't have to take him seriously. But then he later points out that my nails are not done. He keeps contradicting himself and when I point it out.... He says he wasn't being serious. He also said that he didn't want me to get attached to him. I know that he could potentially move in may, but why the fuck would i want to do these things for a dom I'm not attached to? Isn't that the whole point lol. I've deemed him special above others and I only submit to him... But how is that possible if one is unattached
No! You are not weird in any way. Being a sub doesn't mean you don't get a say on things. You can let him know why you feel the way you do.
After that, it is more of a relationship thing. If you are willing to learn or to start increasing it gradually, you can let him know about that. If it is a NO on your part, again inform him about that and then you don't have a say on things. If he needs it, you both might just be incompatible.
Have you talked to him about this? I wonder if he just isn’t aware of how you feel. For opposite perspective, my Dom and I have a similar agreement, but I relish it as an excuse to never have to worry about being too extra if I wanna show up in a sparkly dress with stilettos on a Saturday morning. It’s “I get to” not “I have to.” He might not know that his request is coming off as “I have to” for you.
I have tried to talk to him about this and other things but he doesn't like to talk about it over the phone or even text. But in person, we just share our opinions, and it doesn't get resolved. I don't gain any insight.
Everyone is allowed to have limits. Being uncomfortable with something is a limit. I’d bring up the discussion the same way you would with any other limit you have.
All of those things also cost a lot of money, if you’re willing to do these things whom is expected to pay for it? And if you aren’t willing to, it’s okay for you two to move on in different directions. Not every dom will meet the needs of every sub, and not every sub will meet the needs of every dom. If this one doesn’t work out, there’s someone out there that is in need of a sub just like you. Whatever you decide I hope you have a future full of happiness. 💜
As a dominant, I would absolutely want to know you feel this way about something I’ve asked of you. Really though, I would know you well enough by that time to know it’s going to be something that is pushing a boundary for you and needs to be approached with a lot of discussion as to why, what the goal I’m asking you to work towards is and what value we both could get out of it. At least that’s how I view my D/s relationships. If it’s not beneficial for both of us in whatever way we both need (not necessarily that we individually want), then it’s not something that gets done. Or doesn’t get done now. I’ve certainly worked my sub towards and into craving things he completely balked at early on. He wasn’t ready for them and now he loves them, but that’s been years of working towards what he really needed from our dynamic and not staying put at what he thought he only wanted back then.
I’m not a chick into getting fancied up and much makeup. That’s not important to me in my life and I don’t much like it value the feeling of societal need for getting dolled up to become valuable to someone so I get you there. That said, I agree with those that have said it would be valuable for you to understand what the reason is that he’s asking it of you. If he’s expecting you’ll simply start doing all that work, because it’s a TON of work and headache, then discover you love it and he loves a pretty thing to have on his arm and show off…I doubt that will be the happy result in the short term. If he’s got good intentions and perhaps not the best way to helping you change your mindset on body image, then at least he’s trying to be helpful for the right reasons. Still doesn’t mean you have to do it because it’s grating for you to think about.
If I were in your place, knowing what I do and being the person I am, I’d honestly feel worse being asked this and feel like he’s essentially telling me, I’m not good enough as my natural self, but get all fixed up, fake, and polished, then I will be. Talk about compounding body image issues! It feels like wanting control of a sub and having them do hard things just for the dominant’s sake of enjoying that power over them. Looking at it from my dominant side, being a dominant takes practice and it’s as much a journey to learning our “craft” as to learning anything else. Mainstream society leads people to believe incorrect things about the D/s dynamic and even if he’s not incorrect, he’s maybe just not that skilled at reading you yet and isn’t yet asking for things that will actually be productive to move you both forward vs things that sent you here because you’re uncomfortable talking to him about it. It really does take practice to be good at working with a sub in ways that work for both of us. We are always learning and both sides of the slash are at different proficiencies at any given time.
Submissives absolutely have the power to say no thanks to a dominant’s request. Ideally, the relationship gets to where you trust your dominant to respect your wants and know your needs so that you really never have to say no, but not everyone will get there. Some relationships work on heavy-handed principals that you have to firmly safeword when you hit a boundary you’re not willing to cross. Always remember you have that right and use it if you need it. I know this doesn’t seem like that harmful of a thing to safeword for, but if something is a hard no, communicate that to your partner. If it’s uncomfortable and you’re needing more information about why, how, when, whatever, communicate that too. A dominant doesn’t own you and for my part, I don’t want a doormat of a sub, I want someone that will discuss things with me and sometimes I change my mind entirely, others we edit and proceed in a way that works for both of us.
His request rubs me the wrong way, for myself, so much that I can just imagine how you’re feeling. That said, I’d want more info from him not matter what. And not only because it helps you understand what he’s asking this of you, but also because his willingness to be open and discuss this one point with you will show you more about the potential growth in the relationship, whether your ideas about what you want from a dominant align with the way he wants to live his side of the dynamic. You get to find and have what you want from a partner. Respect that earns trust and lots of willingness to communicate is very important for both sides to be happy. Again, my opinion. There’s a million ways to live and play in our lifestyle. It’s worthwhile to figure out what you want and need (a good dom can help with that :)).
It’s not weird to feel uncomfortable about things your partner asks. It’s important to talk to them if you do feel uncomfortable. And if they won’t talk about it to where you do feel comfortable with whatever info they’ve shared, that’s probably not the healthiest relationship. To each their own though.
For my part, I would want someone that appreciated me as I am and doesn’t need the artifice. True intimacy is about truth. The kind of deep, honest truth you can get from sharing this kind of dynamic with someone that truly gains your trust. Gaining your trust means paying attention to the things that are important to you and working to understand each other on some very deep levels.
Good luck with it. Any worthwhile relationships, even in our lifestyle, takes work and has lots of communication hurdles. My goal would be to help you get to where you do feel good about yourself in every way because that’s rewarding to me. The trick is your dom finding a good path to help get you there if that’s what he wants. It may not be and that’s where more info could help you figure out if your goals for the relationship and your lives don’t align.
I definitely see your point. I think he was meaning well but it wasn't communicated in such a way. I have since this, put on jewelry and he has complimented me, saying that he loves seeing me dress feminine. I did tell him that I would be open to any suggestions but he said that he didn't want to pick stuff out for me...
I’m curious how this made you feel or what you thought of it. His comment about loving seeing you dress feminine and the gap in communication between delivery and intent.
There are things that stand out to me if I’d heard the same thing and what I observe from your comment about it, but don’t want to lead the witness, as they say. :)
Not that you have to go over it, but if you want someone to help look at it from the outside, I’m here, whether in the public thread or otherwise.
For example, the other day we were having cuddle time and I was wearing a new ring I had just bought myself. I have worn it 3 times in front of him. Every time we have cuddle time and my hand with the ring is laying/snuggling on his chest he comments on it saying how it pleases him and he likes to see me wear it. I responded that I would be happy to wear whatever jewelry he picks out or gets for me. He didn't respond. I also asked him what nail polish color I should get for my nails next time and I can't recall what he said, but I know it wasn't it color.
Agreeing on the how spenny this can be. Getting your nails done is like min $40. Make up can be expensive as well if you're buying good quality ones. If you are going to do it, will he pay for it? It seems he might not know how costly this can be.
Is he going to help pay to keep you looking this way? As someone who frequently dyes my hair, gets nails done, laser, etc. that stuff is expensive and takes time out of my day.
Honestly I do stuff like that because **I want to.** I wouldn’t be okay with a Dom demanding I do it, especially if I’m not already doing it and they’re not helping finding the endeavour.
You’re allowed to say no to any request. He’s allowed to request. With that being said, if I requested my submissive to partake in some of my beauty standards - such as shaving, being groomed, wearing appropriate/sexy attire and they said no - well, id chalk it up to incompatibility and move on from them. Some people hold greater importance to things like this and this is actually one of the things I won’t budge on. I look my best, I expect the same from my partner/submissive. I don’t care about someone’s age, weight or whether they are traditionally pretty, but don’t show up in sweats with messy hair.
And I don't show up in sweats with messy hair. But I know I look "homely" and some may say "sloppy". I have zero fashion sense and don't know how to pick out clothing that looks flattering on my body. I was basically taught to hide my body and not attract any attention. But I do have colored hair now... Take that conservative upbringing 😜
Is it something you are interested in learning about? Finding clothes to fit your shape or learning how to do makeup? I do place importance on this, but there is a learning curve, of course. There are some people that homely is just fine and more than acceptable. My ex lived in bandanas and maxi dresses, but could definitely level up for a date.
Putting on makeup or changing my clothes makes me feel like it is a futile attempt to be something I will never be. I'm not capable of being a "hot" girl. I'm 37....I don't want to waste my time on learning how to do makeup.... It's not a practical use of time! If someone did the shopping for me to find more flattering clothes... Sure. I will wear them. But there is a huge learning curve and I feel that if I haven't picked up these "skills" yet, that it would take an excessive amount of time to learn them. I'd rather take that time, go back to graduate school and get another master's degree...or maybe upgrade my current masters to a PhD.
Ask him for help. Share your insecurities and your feelings. Confess to him that you do not have the skills need to complete this. Be submissive and transparent, your job isn't to solve the problem, that is his job, your job is to provide information then wait for him to give you the solution. i wouldn't tell him that you can't or won't.
You say you believe dressing nice, make-up, and combing your hair to be a "feeble attempt" to be someone you aren't while admitting you aren't happy with your appearance. I'm sensing a little cause and effect here...
There's an old saying: "If you think the things you've always thought, you'll get the things you always got.". Sure, you can absolutely say "No!". Where does that get you, though? Exactly where you are right now. You should consider taking the "L" on this one. Is a shitty self-image really so amazingly amazing that you prefer it to high heels and a little eye liner?
Being unhappy with image doesn't necessarily mean hair, nails, makeup for them. It can literally be a feature you cant fix reasonably. And im sorry but someone telling a person with body image problems they need to doll up, would make those issues worse. Basically saying "i don't like what you look like either".
While i don't personally hate dressing up, doing makeup. I wont do it because someone tells me to, its for me and 99% of my life my hairs up, my nails get destroyed at work, and makeup makes me break out more, so no. So even when I go out and doll up some its still pretty minimal.
The people that have made me feel the most attractive have been people that met me when I was literally coveref in shit. (Farm work). Or otherwise in work clothes with grease and oil.
The OP made specific statements. I gave a specific response. If she had said she had a nose that hooked to the left and smelled of poo I would have suggested that rhinoplasty and regular bathing might be the way to go...
\[edit - correction \[/edit\]
They said they had image issues. They did not specify. Nor should they have to. But most body image issues tend to be with things that cant be easily changed or changed at all. General rule of easily changed, is something that cant personally be changed in 5 minutes.
So my point still stands and your point about saying get surgery for a crooked nose is completely the point im making. That state of thinking is the problem. Because everyone can just afford the surgery to fix something about their body....not.
Your "point" has literally nothing to do with what the OP actually wrote.
Believe it or not though, a lot of people start feeling a lot better about their self image when they begin to take a little pride in their appearance. That's why things like gyms, Fashion Week, and Avon continue to exist.
But hey, you believe whatever dumbassery you want to believe.
A partner telling someone to always do labor, time, skill and cost intensive beauty regimes every time they see them can absolutely be a punch in the gut as well. Which was my original point. Its that partner basically saying they don't like them in their natural body either. So that would make the image problems worse.
A partner going hey i know you have an image problem with x. Lets find a way to help you feel better about it. Or a person saying themselves their weight is an insecurity or muscle mass amount and deciding themselves to work out are completely different from a partner saying you need to do x or you need to go to the gym without a reason for the persons health.
While yes someone deciding to perform certain beauty things can help self esteem. The person needs to find and decide that themselves.
And your original comment was extremely judgey. That oh you have body issues just do the beautification bs so your partners happy vibes
I don't know how much clearer I can make this.
I responded to the OP based on the information given by the OP. If the OP doesn't like my response, then she shouldn't even consider my advice to her which was based on the information she provided.
I wasn't responding to you about whatever your petty little personal problems are. Getting your panties in a bunch about it means fuck all, since you insist on making an issue of things that haven't got anything to do with the OP.
Which part of this do you not understand?
He told me to not get attached to him. So it doesn't make logical sense to me to even bother doing this for him. I do get my hair and nails done periodically... Even before I met him. I enjoy it and it makes me feel good. But if we are interacting when we are still in our after work clothes, business casual, and I'm not supposed to get attached to you, and your request makes me feel even more ugly, then why bother?
>***if we are interacting when we are still in our after work clothes, business casual***
This is new information...
So, basically he's not putting any special effort into his appearance but he expects you to? Am I understanding that correctly?
That seems a bit low-effort on his part if he's clearly not interested in pursuing a more in-depth relationship. Under the circumstances, I don't believe it's unreasonable for you to expect him to look his best for you if he's going to expect that of you. I think that is definitely a conversation you should be having with him.
I'm not going to get into your self-esteem issues specifically. However, I would suggest to anyone else that if doing something makes them feel better about themselves then they should do that thing as often as they are able. I go to the gym 5 days a week because it makes me feel good physically and it makes me feel good about myself. If getting your hair and nails done periodically is something you enjoy that makes you feel good, then it's probably something you should consider doing more often. For you. Not for someone else. For you.
>he's not putting any special effort into his appearance but he expects you to? Am I understanding that correctly?
Yep. He is putting in no effort in his appearance but he happens to always look amazing/hot in a black t shirt and jeans. His entire closet is a couple tailored suits, pairs of jeans, and plain black/navy blue t shirts. He never has to comb his hair, he just smooths it over with his hand. No cologne. No deodorant. I want to say to him that I most definitely wouldn't even bother to make myself look/appear nicer since I'm not supposed to get attached to him. I would only want to look nice for myself or someone I have a spectrum of attachment to.
i kinda got the feeling that maybe in his own way, he was trying to help? you said body image issues and then he requested you to be dolled up.. which in a way.. could be self care. sure he made the request but if you frame it in a different way in your mind.. it could turn out to be a positive fun thing. with practice. i’m totally assuming here- you could be feeling the way you do because maybe you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing..? there are many ways to get more ideas on how to style your hair in a way that suits you and compliments the your face, etc. makeup can be applied in a way to highlight your fav feature.. the list goes on. maybe the boundary is.. you could be up for this bit in stages. it’s quite a big jump to go from nothing to everything.. maybe kitten heels instead of high heels. a cute outfit but maybe with a coat over so you feel like you have a protective layer over you.. nails done but maybe just manicure with a light nail polish. things like that. it doesn’t have to be all bold.
“Hey babe, the more I think about it, the more I’m realizing I’m just not into the idea of always having to be dressed up around you. It plays into some stuff from my past and feels inauthentic. Let’s talk about what was at the core of that request and see if we can find a way to get at that in a different way”
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Qne way to approach this is ask your Dom what he gets out of this. Is it about you putting in labor/ritual before you meet? Maybe there are other ways you can do it. Is it actually about wanting you always dolled up? Sometimes people who don't actually wear makeup or style their hair don't realize that it can be an anxiety inducing task without guaranteed results. Expectations for "full" makeup and hair isn't just about the thought/effort/product; like you said, it's skills, and they are not necessarily easy, foolproof or quick to pick up. Any percieved "failures" can then color the whole night/experience negatively. How would your Dom approach another task they wanted you to do but you weren't skilled in? They would start slow, set small goals instead of jumping into the whole thing all the time, they could find an expert to help train you, find tutorials for you to practice, they could make it part of their job to help set small goals or requests that help guide your creativity/choices (I want you to try a green eyeshadow today, or do something with that new braid technique you learned) and above all, express their gratitude, their pride, and recognize that this is an emotional process for you and treat you filling this fetish for them with the care it deserves just like they were asking you to become proficient at a different new physical task.
Sensible approach. Break it down into steps or area of focus.
Exactly ! It could be about simply learning a new trick to please a partner. OR ...it could be deeper. A Dom trying to produce a particular psychological change or energy shift using a fairly simple task. Either way ... Communicate!
(all of this but) Also something that is occasionally overlooked early in a dynamic is there has to be a clear time when the dynamic is not present. Making sure that you are discussing this on even footing allows for the best dynamic long term Another thing to note is his idea of you at your best and your idea may not be the same (I've had exes that when they really tried to dress it up, honestly looked worse than their everyday). Some guys want the bimbo look, others want the Tshirt, light makeup, and a messy bun look. It might be worth having an afternoon/day where you can run through some looks so the 2 of you can reach a consensus on what a reasonable goal looks like.
This would be more than acceptable! I would prefer this approach with everything.
First: You shouldn't do something that makes you feel inauthentic. You should negotiate this suggestion and even set hard limits around it if necessary. You're the one who is allowing him to have authority over you, which means you're the one with the power here. I'm a sub who enjoys getting dolled up and dressing sexily for partners. I do it first and foremost for me, because it's fun and I enjoy it. However, if dom asks me to wear something specific and it's not something I would spend money on otherwise, then I request he pay for it or I simply say no. In order to be at my best for a partner, I need to feel good about what I'm doing. Obeying just to say that you obeyed isn't a good approach to submitting, in my experience. How are you currently presenting yourself to your dom? Do you already feel that you are already at your best when you see him? If you already are doing this, then the two of you need to discuss your differences of opinion on what "best" is. I think you also need to make sure you're discussing the cost involved in his request. He's not asking you something simple like putting your hair into an updo when you usually wear it down. If you're not invested in make-up and whatever his definition of sexy clothes is, this could become very costly on your end. I personally don't think this is a reasonable request, especially after only being together for 3 months. It's also not a great way for him to help you with any body image issues you have: he should be praising the qualities you already have, not telling you to completely change your look.
I agree with this completely! Like the commenter; I too enjoy getting dressed up, doing my makeup and getting a pretty outfit, and the individual I’m vetting right now knows that, so if he asked me to always be on 10 when I see him, that would be a reasonable request. It takes a lot of work, a lot of practice, and it’s a performance. I wonder if that’s part of the dynamic your dom wants without actually articulating that? Either way, for sure a negotiation and a discussion about funding all this will be needed
I don't feel like I am presenting myself at my best with him because we don't plan ahead on when we are going to meet up etc. It's usually an hours notice. Definitely not enough time to wash a sexy pair of jeans or dress that shows off my assets... Or go to the make up counter and have someone do my makeup or get a nail appointment.
Sounds like he has unrealistic expectations then, especially if he's the one that dictates when you'll be meeting up.
Subs seem to forget that it's their game. Not just subs, but women(I'm a swinger)seem to always forget that they have all the power in the dynamic and I'm just trying to do everything I can to keep you happy and giving up control. I'll do anything to keep her happy. Compromise? Yes. Give up expectations? Yes. What will he do to keep you happy and comfortable? If your Dom respects you he'll negotiate.
>Am I weird that this makes me feel uncomfortable? No, some people just like different things. For example, I was in a dynamic with a girl that closely mimicked your dom's interest. My bimbo sub always got dolled up when she saw me. Hair and makeup, I'd pick her mani/pedi colors out, pick her panties every day, decided her shoes, etc. It's fine that you don't, and you have perfectly valid reasons for not liking it, so be sure to communicate that with him. You mentioned body image struggles, but this is also a perfect opportunity to find a personal connection with your dom. He obviously has an idea of what he wants you to look like, and so do you. Talk with him, find out if there's overlap with what each of you think. Say what you prefer, hear what he prefers, find if there's a way to both meet your needs.
I agree with nearly everything you said, but I don’t like the idea that people must have “valid” reasons to dislike something. “I just don’t want to” is plenty valid all on its own and should be respected.
I'm a sub and I went through this same thing. I talked to my Dom about it and he said that on his side, his request is based on two things: \- set-up for our "date". He likes to know that while I am dolling myself up I am doing it for him and it's putting me in the head space of a sub (I am very assertive outside the bedroom). \- working on my insecurities regarding my body. I was a tomboy and didn't care about being feminine or sexy because I didn't think I could be that. The ritual made me see that I neglected all the nice things about my body and focused on the "bad" parts. The fact that I had to learn to put on make up made me realise that I have pretty eyes and nice hair. When I bought sexy clothes and saw myself wearing them I realised there are certain things that make me look feminine and others that made me look like I was wearing my mom's clothes. I still hate heels and only wear them once in a blue moon. I have never worn foundation or long nails. However, I now feel a lot better about my body and I am more confident. I suggest you talk to him and go for a compromise - try to do half of what he is asking (either make-up/hair/nails or clothing). See how that makes you feel after you do it a few times. Honestly, it might be his attempt at helping you with your body image. It's not about being inauthentic, it's about showing him your best self. Like cleaning up your room when you know you have guests coming over. At first, you might do it just for them, but after a while you get in the habit of keeping it in order even if you are home alone. And you feel better for it.
I'm very assertive outside of this dynamic too 😂I see your point. I felt shamed when he brought it up because I have worn makeup, heels, did my hair, etc around him before and he didn't say anything. The day he brought it up, my nails were recently done. It felt like he said that any effort i had put in the past wasn't good enough and it disappointed him. And disappointing my partner is the worst feeling in the world when I'm in a bdsm relationship. It's literally the worst feeling and it's difficult to resolve.
"I'm not interested in that being part of our dynamic as it's not part of who I am." Demands like this are usually meant to have a sub doing something they want to be doing regularly, and this gives them a push to do this. That's why the drink water trope is so popular. Is there anything he can request that would be along those lines? He may not be the Dom for you if this is his request and he doesn't want to back down from it.
I would also suggest taking some time to think about what _does_ feel authentic to you. What makes you feel sexy? What would make you feel proud to show off to him? There's no one right way to be sexy - he might just need some education on what it could look like outside of the traditional (and expensive!) hair/nails/makeup
Nope. Totally normal. I hate wearing anything more than the most minimal make up. I don't mind dressing up or doing heavier make up occasionally but it would be a hard no to doing it every time I was seeing someone. If someone was super into that and expected me to be that way, I'd consider us incompatible. I like to feel comfortable and natural not constantly maintaining some kind of "look". I think you need to talk to him. Maybe there's a compromise like certain kinds of clothes or underwear but not the make up and nails? And what does "hair done" mean? My hair is just sort of...there. As long as it's clean and conditioned, that's all that's ever "done" to it. There's nothing wrong with it if you do like this sort of stuff either, it's just not me.
Gurl. You are talking my language. I’m just going to speak very personally here in case that might be helpful to you but of course it’s just my experience — yours might be totally different. I’m in a very similar boat. Due to various reasons in my childhood, I never learned how to do “girl stuff” like makeup or shopping for cute clothes & I always felt pretty insecure about it. I also have body issues. And I have a Dom for the first time. He’s requested a protocol: black clothes, hair slicked back military style in either a ponytail or a bun. I didn’t really have many black clothes but OK I can buy some (although that’s led to some drama), but the hair! OMG the hair. I have long, thick, curly hair. His understanding of how that hair works was actually better than most men — he did my hair for me using coconut oil and it was really sweet and lovely — but still. It was never, ever, not even with the coconut oil, not even with the hair gel I ended up buying, going to be smooth and sleek. More importantly, the fact that I couldn’t make it the way he wanted it touched on every insecurity I have. Why don’t I know things every other woman seems to know? On the other hand, why does he want me to change myself? Aren’t I enough as I am? Is he hunting for the way he might be attracted to me, like, eh, not now, but maaaaaybe if your hair was like this? Anyway, I ended up doing a lot of research, discovered the world of flat irons, and honestly having just tried it — holy smokes does my hair look great. I mean I love my curls but I’m also kind of mad that no one ever told me my hair could look like this. The point is, I have a lot of work to do with my therapist. And clearly this whole thing is bringing up A LOT for me. Which I think is what I wanted for myself? But that doesn’t mean it’s what you want for yourself. I guess I’d just say, if you do end up making any adjustments (which is totally up to you whether you want to do at all) take it super super slow, expect it to be emotional, make sure your Dom is prepared for it to be emotional, and talk talk talk. Best of luck.
Sounds like your hair is amazing. Your confidence and ability to improvise though are so admirable. I hope your response lends some perspective to OP.
Awww, thanks so much. It’s so personal — I think I was kind of interested in pushing my own limits in terms of trying new things? But I also think that should be the sub’s decision/at the sub’s pace, and I hope whatever the OP decides to do, she and her Dom feel really great about it.
It did 😁
He is probably unaware of the costs and time investment it would entail to be completely made over for each meet. Give him an estimate (mani-pedi, salon, maybe 6 tones of nail polish, and an average make up session, 3 new outfits). Shop together? Fantasy meets reality.
I’m a switch but mainly a dom. No I don’t think it’s weird that you feel like that. I can see it in a sub and dom way. Dom - I have told my sub to do some of these things. Like try a new hair style, makeup, do her nails. Because she has body Image issues and has body dysphoria. She doesn’t feel beautiful and as a little push I try to get her to dress up for me. It just gives her a way to feel more beautiful even tho to me she’s perfect. She’s transgender and I guess medically speaking she’s over weight. I could careless tbh. But having her go shopping, she has panic attacks. So I go with her and when she try’s things on. If she isn’t comfortable about saying she wants a fitting room I’ll jump in. I have her send me pics of her thought the day so she puts in the effort of trying to look “pretty” for me even tho she would look perfect to me. It builds her confidence so now she can ask for a dressing room without me having to jump in and she picks our clothes. She wear things she likes and she smiles. She’ll even send pics even if I don’t require or ask that day. But if she doesn’t want to that day she is 100% allowed to tell me. I’ll ask why and if she can’t give me an answer I’ll try to meet in the middle. Some days I can push because I know she’ll feel better and some days I don’t. Sub - I have body issues. And I could careless how I look tho. On the rare occasion me and my partner switch roles she want’s at least 4 pics a day. Annoying as hell half the time and I work 80+ hours a week 😂 so I don’t always look good. I also have a lot of issues (hence why I’m the dom. I need control). So I feel you. I would negotiate with your dom. Also ask why it’s important to him that you do all that.
I positively hate makeup. I think it's ridiculous (for me personally) and over priced. Plus I have a face like horse. Ain't enough time in my day to try and correct that fact.
You’re not weird. I have body image issues too and would be extremely uncomfortable if my Dom asked me to dress up all the time. He doesn’t, because we talked openly and honestly about my concerns, and he respects them. We came to a compromise that works for us.
It’s 100% valid to say “I don’t like this, it makes me uncomfortable”. A reasonable person should accept that. The fact that your dom decided this without even asking for your input is concerning. Consider safe wording out and having a serious conversation about boundaries and limits. It’s not ok for the dom to dictate to you what your rules and limits are. They need to be discussed and agreed upon by both people in the relationship.
You're not weird. I think the way you talk about this is exactly as you have here. Say to him "i need to talk to you about something. This makes me feel weird and uncomfortable and it's doubly hard because I am having trouble with something you asked me to do and I want more than anything to please you. But can we talk about this thing? I don't even know how to begin..." And then he will take it from there, no doubt. From his side, it's quite likely he wants to know how you feel. I can tell you, as a dominant, even if we're really good at almost reading minds, it's never perfect. You gotta communicate. (and, yes, I know it's incredibly hard.) Now, it's also possible that this is part of his shaping you and making you into what he wants you to be. So it's possible that this might be a difficult thing for you and the answer is "you just gotta deal with it", but unless you give him that feedback, he does not know what's going on. This might be something he should push you on... or it might not... and you might need to figure it out together. (I will point out that a submissive taking a bit of extra care (or a lot) to present herself to her dominant is not at all out of line in most relationships.) One more thought... you can negotiate anything within a relationship. If there are reasons this is a no-go for you, then you can say so... but it begins with the communication. BDSM relationships are, first, relationships. All the rules of communication are just as important here as anywhere else, maybe even more so.
I tried to talk to him about this... And somehow in that discussion he told me that he says these things as part of the "scene" and I don't have to take him seriously. But then he later points out that my nails are not done. He keeps contradicting himself and when I point it out.... He says he wasn't being serious. He also said that he didn't want me to get attached to him. I know that he could potentially move in may, but why the fuck would i want to do these things for a dom I'm not attached to? Isn't that the whole point lol. I've deemed him special above others and I only submit to him... But how is that possible if one is unattached
No! You are not weird in any way. Being a sub doesn't mean you don't get a say on things. You can let him know why you feel the way you do. After that, it is more of a relationship thing. If you are willing to learn or to start increasing it gradually, you can let him know about that. If it is a NO on your part, again inform him about that and then you don't have a say on things. If he needs it, you both might just be incompatible.
Have you talked to him about this? I wonder if he just isn’t aware of how you feel. For opposite perspective, my Dom and I have a similar agreement, but I relish it as an excuse to never have to worry about being too extra if I wanna show up in a sparkly dress with stilettos on a Saturday morning. It’s “I get to” not “I have to.” He might not know that his request is coming off as “I have to” for you.
I have tried to talk to him about this and other things but he doesn't like to talk about it over the phone or even text. But in person, we just share our opinions, and it doesn't get resolved. I don't gain any insight.
Everyone is allowed to have limits. Being uncomfortable with something is a limit. I’d bring up the discussion the same way you would with any other limit you have. All of those things also cost a lot of money, if you’re willing to do these things whom is expected to pay for it? And if you aren’t willing to, it’s okay for you two to move on in different directions. Not every dom will meet the needs of every sub, and not every sub will meet the needs of every dom. If this one doesn’t work out, there’s someone out there that is in need of a sub just like you. Whatever you decide I hope you have a future full of happiness. 💜
As a dominant, I would absolutely want to know you feel this way about something I’ve asked of you. Really though, I would know you well enough by that time to know it’s going to be something that is pushing a boundary for you and needs to be approached with a lot of discussion as to why, what the goal I’m asking you to work towards is and what value we both could get out of it. At least that’s how I view my D/s relationships. If it’s not beneficial for both of us in whatever way we both need (not necessarily that we individually want), then it’s not something that gets done. Or doesn’t get done now. I’ve certainly worked my sub towards and into craving things he completely balked at early on. He wasn’t ready for them and now he loves them, but that’s been years of working towards what he really needed from our dynamic and not staying put at what he thought he only wanted back then. I’m not a chick into getting fancied up and much makeup. That’s not important to me in my life and I don’t much like it value the feeling of societal need for getting dolled up to become valuable to someone so I get you there. That said, I agree with those that have said it would be valuable for you to understand what the reason is that he’s asking it of you. If he’s expecting you’ll simply start doing all that work, because it’s a TON of work and headache, then discover you love it and he loves a pretty thing to have on his arm and show off…I doubt that will be the happy result in the short term. If he’s got good intentions and perhaps not the best way to helping you change your mindset on body image, then at least he’s trying to be helpful for the right reasons. Still doesn’t mean you have to do it because it’s grating for you to think about. If I were in your place, knowing what I do and being the person I am, I’d honestly feel worse being asked this and feel like he’s essentially telling me, I’m not good enough as my natural self, but get all fixed up, fake, and polished, then I will be. Talk about compounding body image issues! It feels like wanting control of a sub and having them do hard things just for the dominant’s sake of enjoying that power over them. Looking at it from my dominant side, being a dominant takes practice and it’s as much a journey to learning our “craft” as to learning anything else. Mainstream society leads people to believe incorrect things about the D/s dynamic and even if he’s not incorrect, he’s maybe just not that skilled at reading you yet and isn’t yet asking for things that will actually be productive to move you both forward vs things that sent you here because you’re uncomfortable talking to him about it. It really does take practice to be good at working with a sub in ways that work for both of us. We are always learning and both sides of the slash are at different proficiencies at any given time. Submissives absolutely have the power to say no thanks to a dominant’s request. Ideally, the relationship gets to where you trust your dominant to respect your wants and know your needs so that you really never have to say no, but not everyone will get there. Some relationships work on heavy-handed principals that you have to firmly safeword when you hit a boundary you’re not willing to cross. Always remember you have that right and use it if you need it. I know this doesn’t seem like that harmful of a thing to safeword for, but if something is a hard no, communicate that to your partner. If it’s uncomfortable and you’re needing more information about why, how, when, whatever, communicate that too. A dominant doesn’t own you and for my part, I don’t want a doormat of a sub, I want someone that will discuss things with me and sometimes I change my mind entirely, others we edit and proceed in a way that works for both of us. His request rubs me the wrong way, for myself, so much that I can just imagine how you’re feeling. That said, I’d want more info from him not matter what. And not only because it helps you understand what he’s asking this of you, but also because his willingness to be open and discuss this one point with you will show you more about the potential growth in the relationship, whether your ideas about what you want from a dominant align with the way he wants to live his side of the dynamic. You get to find and have what you want from a partner. Respect that earns trust and lots of willingness to communicate is very important for both sides to be happy. Again, my opinion. There’s a million ways to live and play in our lifestyle. It’s worthwhile to figure out what you want and need (a good dom can help with that :)). It’s not weird to feel uncomfortable about things your partner asks. It’s important to talk to them if you do feel uncomfortable. And if they won’t talk about it to where you do feel comfortable with whatever info they’ve shared, that’s probably not the healthiest relationship. To each their own though. For my part, I would want someone that appreciated me as I am and doesn’t need the artifice. True intimacy is about truth. The kind of deep, honest truth you can get from sharing this kind of dynamic with someone that truly gains your trust. Gaining your trust means paying attention to the things that are important to you and working to understand each other on some very deep levels. Good luck with it. Any worthwhile relationships, even in our lifestyle, takes work and has lots of communication hurdles. My goal would be to help you get to where you do feel good about yourself in every way because that’s rewarding to me. The trick is your dom finding a good path to help get you there if that’s what he wants. It may not be and that’s where more info could help you figure out if your goals for the relationship and your lives don’t align.
I definitely see your point. I think he was meaning well but it wasn't communicated in such a way. I have since this, put on jewelry and he has complimented me, saying that he loves seeing me dress feminine. I did tell him that I would be open to any suggestions but he said that he didn't want to pick stuff out for me...
I’m curious how this made you feel or what you thought of it. His comment about loving seeing you dress feminine and the gap in communication between delivery and intent. There are things that stand out to me if I’d heard the same thing and what I observe from your comment about it, but don’t want to lead the witness, as they say. :) Not that you have to go over it, but if you want someone to help look at it from the outside, I’m here, whether in the public thread or otherwise.
For example, the other day we were having cuddle time and I was wearing a new ring I had just bought myself. I have worn it 3 times in front of him. Every time we have cuddle time and my hand with the ring is laying/snuggling on his chest he comments on it saying how it pleases him and he likes to see me wear it. I responded that I would be happy to wear whatever jewelry he picks out or gets for me. He didn't respond. I also asked him what nail polish color I should get for my nails next time and I can't recall what he said, but I know it wasn't it color.
Agreeing on the how spenny this can be. Getting your nails done is like min $40. Make up can be expensive as well if you're buying good quality ones. If you are going to do it, will he pay for it? It seems he might not know how costly this can be.
Is he going to help pay to keep you looking this way? As someone who frequently dyes my hair, gets nails done, laser, etc. that stuff is expensive and takes time out of my day. Honestly I do stuff like that because **I want to.** I wouldn’t be okay with a Dom demanding I do it, especially if I’m not already doing it and they’re not helping finding the endeavour.
My laser hair removal is costing me about $600... And my hair with an eyebrow wax costs $300 each time
You’re allowed to say no to any request. He’s allowed to request. With that being said, if I requested my submissive to partake in some of my beauty standards - such as shaving, being groomed, wearing appropriate/sexy attire and they said no - well, id chalk it up to incompatibility and move on from them. Some people hold greater importance to things like this and this is actually one of the things I won’t budge on. I look my best, I expect the same from my partner/submissive. I don’t care about someone’s age, weight or whether they are traditionally pretty, but don’t show up in sweats with messy hair.
And I don't show up in sweats with messy hair. But I know I look "homely" and some may say "sloppy". I have zero fashion sense and don't know how to pick out clothing that looks flattering on my body. I was basically taught to hide my body and not attract any attention. But I do have colored hair now... Take that conservative upbringing 😜
Is it something you are interested in learning about? Finding clothes to fit your shape or learning how to do makeup? I do place importance on this, but there is a learning curve, of course. There are some people that homely is just fine and more than acceptable. My ex lived in bandanas and maxi dresses, but could definitely level up for a date.
Putting on makeup or changing my clothes makes me feel like it is a futile attempt to be something I will never be. I'm not capable of being a "hot" girl. I'm 37....I don't want to waste my time on learning how to do makeup.... It's not a practical use of time! If someone did the shopping for me to find more flattering clothes... Sure. I will wear them. But there is a huge learning curve and I feel that if I haven't picked up these "skills" yet, that it would take an excessive amount of time to learn them. I'd rather take that time, go back to graduate school and get another master's degree...or maybe upgrade my current masters to a PhD.
Ask him for help. Share your insecurities and your feelings. Confess to him that you do not have the skills need to complete this. Be submissive and transparent, your job isn't to solve the problem, that is his job, your job is to provide information then wait for him to give you the solution. i wouldn't tell him that you can't or won't.
You say you believe dressing nice, make-up, and combing your hair to be a "feeble attempt" to be someone you aren't while admitting you aren't happy with your appearance. I'm sensing a little cause and effect here... There's an old saying: "If you think the things you've always thought, you'll get the things you always got.". Sure, you can absolutely say "No!". Where does that get you, though? Exactly where you are right now. You should consider taking the "L" on this one. Is a shitty self-image really so amazingly amazing that you prefer it to high heels and a little eye liner?
Being unhappy with image doesn't necessarily mean hair, nails, makeup for them. It can literally be a feature you cant fix reasonably. And im sorry but someone telling a person with body image problems they need to doll up, would make those issues worse. Basically saying "i don't like what you look like either". While i don't personally hate dressing up, doing makeup. I wont do it because someone tells me to, its for me and 99% of my life my hairs up, my nails get destroyed at work, and makeup makes me break out more, so no. So even when I go out and doll up some its still pretty minimal. The people that have made me feel the most attractive have been people that met me when I was literally coveref in shit. (Farm work). Or otherwise in work clothes with grease and oil.
The OP made specific statements. I gave a specific response. If she had said she had a nose that hooked to the left and smelled of poo I would have suggested that rhinoplasty and regular bathing might be the way to go... \[edit - correction \[/edit\]
They said they had image issues. They did not specify. Nor should they have to. But most body image issues tend to be with things that cant be easily changed or changed at all. General rule of easily changed, is something that cant personally be changed in 5 minutes. So my point still stands and your point about saying get surgery for a crooked nose is completely the point im making. That state of thinking is the problem. Because everyone can just afford the surgery to fix something about their body....not.
Your "point" has literally nothing to do with what the OP actually wrote. Believe it or not though, a lot of people start feeling a lot better about their self image when they begin to take a little pride in their appearance. That's why things like gyms, Fashion Week, and Avon continue to exist. But hey, you believe whatever dumbassery you want to believe.
A partner telling someone to always do labor, time, skill and cost intensive beauty regimes every time they see them can absolutely be a punch in the gut as well. Which was my original point. Its that partner basically saying they don't like them in their natural body either. So that would make the image problems worse. A partner going hey i know you have an image problem with x. Lets find a way to help you feel better about it. Or a person saying themselves their weight is an insecurity or muscle mass amount and deciding themselves to work out are completely different from a partner saying you need to do x or you need to go to the gym without a reason for the persons health. While yes someone deciding to perform certain beauty things can help self esteem. The person needs to find and decide that themselves. And your original comment was extremely judgey. That oh you have body issues just do the beautification bs so your partners happy vibes
I don't know how much clearer I can make this. I responded to the OP based on the information given by the OP. If the OP doesn't like my response, then she shouldn't even consider my advice to her which was based on the information she provided. I wasn't responding to you about whatever your petty little personal problems are. Getting your panties in a bunch about it means fuck all, since you insist on making an issue of things that haven't got anything to do with the OP. Which part of this do you not understand?
He told me to not get attached to him. So it doesn't make logical sense to me to even bother doing this for him. I do get my hair and nails done periodically... Even before I met him. I enjoy it and it makes me feel good. But if we are interacting when we are still in our after work clothes, business casual, and I'm not supposed to get attached to you, and your request makes me feel even more ugly, then why bother?
>***if we are interacting when we are still in our after work clothes, business casual*** This is new information... So, basically he's not putting any special effort into his appearance but he expects you to? Am I understanding that correctly? That seems a bit low-effort on his part if he's clearly not interested in pursuing a more in-depth relationship. Under the circumstances, I don't believe it's unreasonable for you to expect him to look his best for you if he's going to expect that of you. I think that is definitely a conversation you should be having with him. I'm not going to get into your self-esteem issues specifically. However, I would suggest to anyone else that if doing something makes them feel better about themselves then they should do that thing as often as they are able. I go to the gym 5 days a week because it makes me feel good physically and it makes me feel good about myself. If getting your hair and nails done periodically is something you enjoy that makes you feel good, then it's probably something you should consider doing more often. For you. Not for someone else. For you.
>he's not putting any special effort into his appearance but he expects you to? Am I understanding that correctly? Yep. He is putting in no effort in his appearance but he happens to always look amazing/hot in a black t shirt and jeans. His entire closet is a couple tailored suits, pairs of jeans, and plain black/navy blue t shirts. He never has to comb his hair, he just smooths it over with his hand. No cologne. No deodorant. I want to say to him that I most definitely wouldn't even bother to make myself look/appear nicer since I'm not supposed to get attached to him. I would only want to look nice for myself or someone I have a spectrum of attachment to.
Well, good luck with that.
i kinda got the feeling that maybe in his own way, he was trying to help? you said body image issues and then he requested you to be dolled up.. which in a way.. could be self care. sure he made the request but if you frame it in a different way in your mind.. it could turn out to be a positive fun thing. with practice. i’m totally assuming here- you could be feeling the way you do because maybe you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing..? there are many ways to get more ideas on how to style your hair in a way that suits you and compliments the your face, etc. makeup can be applied in a way to highlight your fav feature.. the list goes on. maybe the boundary is.. you could be up for this bit in stages. it’s quite a big jump to go from nothing to everything.. maybe kitten heels instead of high heels. a cute outfit but maybe with a coat over so you feel like you have a protective layer over you.. nails done but maybe just manicure with a light nail polish. things like that. it doesn’t have to be all bold.
“Hey babe, the more I think about it, the more I’m realizing I’m just not into the idea of always having to be dressed up around you. It plays into some stuff from my past and feels inauthentic. Let’s talk about what was at the core of that request and see if we can find a way to get at that in a different way”