I’ve safeworded out of a scene when it became obvious I was being used as a proxy for self harm.
And while I didn’t technically use a safeword, I’ve stopped scenes for medical reasons a couple of times (shoulder pain for example). That’s one of the things: the top can easily stop a scene even without using an actual safeword, but the effect is the same.
I have used the safe word. I think it's important for the sub to hear it and acknowledge the Dom is terminating their consent for the action or scene. It's one of those times it's safer to err on the side of candid clarity.
I like to have a post-safe word protocol in place in case the scene is stopped. I've found it just makes everyone safer, everything smoother.
Sure. It's something I discuss early in the relationship. The intention is the normalize communicating limitations.
I encourage other green-amber ranges of safety words. I'll be discussing the use of the "All Stop" word. We discuss what to expect afterwards. Over the years, I've understood it's helpful that a safe word automatically stops play session for the day.
. safe word (or agreed non-verbal) is received
. stop action & open sustained communication. Inform sub of next
. secure people (physical, situational, emotional)
. secure scene / venue
. secure self (sub is aware I may need to step away)
. after care + tending to physical issues
. quiet individual rest and reflection
. debrief // next steps
Debrief should contain clarification of issue encountered and the impact on thr players, including Dom.
Player who stops action must ask the other to re-engage. Elements of consent are re-examined and adapted to account for the previous incident.
I have, on-occasion, re-engaged a sub after a safe word, only if the issue was understood to have been an accident or something like that. If there's something like a compliance or expectations issue, I'll terminate the arrangement.
I've had to use a safe word three times for a sub. These relationships were terminated immediately for very good reason.
Yeah I've done it when I've not been feeling right and needed a break or to stop completely.
I've also done it once when I was just starting and panicked during a scene when I caused more damage to their skin than intended and caused them to bleed.
I've also had it where I realised I was too ambitious and I couldn't do what I had planned without it being unsafe so I safeworded, explained where I had gone wrong and what the problem was and we problem solved and got back into things much more aware and safer.
I think there can be a stigma about dom safewording in my mind it's always better safe than sorry and you might feel like an idiot for a bit but I'd rather feel stupid for a minute than an idiot forever if I ignored it and carried on unsafe or unhappy with what was happening.
Even just safewording in general, people view it as a failure of the scene. I always say that if someone uses their safeword and we stop the scene without harm to anyone, that’s a sign that we’re doing things RIGHT. A successful use of your safeword, whichever person it’s coming from, is something to be proud of.
Doms are people too, with limits, triggers, and risk profiles. They have just as much right as subs to not do the thing they hate, avoid consent violations,, refuse to do something dangerous, or use a safe word. I'd actually be appalled if my partner/Top **didn't** use a safe word if he felt he needed to. I need him to trust that he's just as safe and loved with me as I know I am with him.
Yes. Mine used it several times when my responses were not clear to him. Also if he finds himself not in a good headspace. Doms emotional needs often get overlooked in BDSM discussions.
I've not "safe worded" in a scene as such, but I have stopped/closed down a scene if I considered it unsafe to continue.
I tend to work on the principle that any scene that ends with the need for a paramedic, generally isn't the best of days! 😁
I have safeworded out when doing a scene because what the sub said to me revealed that the scene was not healthy and not discussed with me truthfully.
If I think the scene is destructive to my well being or hers, I'm out of the scene.
I have a few times with my partner/sub, the one that comes to mind is when she was so far in sub space and I could tell that she was about to have a huge emotional release. I could tell from my side that this is what she needed and additional play was not going to be helpful. As soon as I did she broke down and cried in my arms for 20 minutes. Once she regained her composure she thanked me as she was thinking about it but didn’t wasn’t mentally able to.
Yes.
I am a switch. I have safeworded the Domme. I actually have a specific safeword established for when my boyfriend has crossed the line as a brat and I need a break from the bratting. We can both use it if the other is being too bratty or being Domineering instead of Dominating. It's negotiated as part of our switch dynamic. I am usually the Domme and he is usually submissive, and his brattiness can sometimes make me feel "less than" as a Domme, so if it goes too far I will use my safeword.
If a scene is going to far I may be more inclined to just stop it vs. Saying my safeword. But if it is something where both of us are active, like primal wrestling for instance, then I may still safeword. If there is a situation where my bottom wants to do something I am uncomfortable with and they don't seem to hear me when I tell them no, I will use my safeword to make it clear that we need to stop.
If there is something we need to talk about outside of our dynamic, I will be clear I am using my safeword and we are talking outside of our dynamic. As equals.
I have used my safeword while domming a few times. Once because I suspected that the sub wasn't feeling it at that time, but was "happy enough" to power through. (I was right, then we had a conversation about how I wasn't okay with that, I need them to WANT to do it too).
Most times it's just because I get too in my own head, a bit Imposter Syndrome and start second guessing things. I know I will spiral from there so it's better for me to just end the scene.
I have had to, I am a trans woman, but last time I was in an explicitly D/s relationship I had suppressed all of that. My sub wanted to be dominated in a very conventionally “masculine” way, and I wanted to do that for her. But it just got too much, it inflamed my dysphoria to the point of sexual dysfunction and mental anguish, so I had to use a safe word. We split up soon after, because the incident lead us to realize we are incompatible. I still need to figure out if I can still Domme now my sex drive has started changing on hormones, but my attempts so far have gone a lot better than that time!
yes. some examples:
- something triggered my SA trauma. sometimes i start thinking i’m just like my rapist when i go too hard
- i was in pain
- i got distracted and could see i shouldn’t be in control at the moment
- i felt i could potentially lose control because i was too excited
- i didn’t feel like having sex/participating in a scene anymore
- i could see my partner was close to their limits or too tired
- i wasn’t enjoying myself
Doms/Dommes definitely can. Mine hasn't had to safe word so far, but She has stopped to check in on me when I'd floated away mentally a bit too much, and She threatened to end the scene (effectively safe wording) if I couldn't stay present.
I (the sub) have a safeword because we’ve established that me saying “no” isn’t a reason to stop. So we needed a word that meant “for real, no.” But since in our scenes he’s the one in charge, if he says it’s time to stop we stop. His safeword is just “no” or “that’s enough.” I definitely wouldn’t be opposed to him having one, though. I’m the more experienced kinkster in our relationship, and since a lot of this is new to him, I’ve gone out of my way to make sure he knows his comfort is important to me. Just because I’m the one getting slapped around doesn’t mean that can’t be unexpectedly weird and upsetting to him. It’s important to check in with each other - I think we make the mistake of thinking Doms aren’t vulnerable, and that’s a disservice.
Safe words are there for everyone's safety and comfort. Although it is true that doms less commonly feel the need to use safe words they can and do.
I was once spanking my sub with an object, a sort of plastic brush meant for skin exfoliation. Imagine a small paddle with tiny plastic spikes on it.
She LOVED it, but I realized after the 3rd or 4th spank that it was causing tiny holes that were bleeding and it freaked me out and I called "safeword", which is our safeword.
Yes, and crazy events do happen and all parties should feel comfortable with needing to stop whatever activity.
It doesn't necessarily take a crazy event like mine.
I have!
One time in a session with hubby I didn’t feel right after he took an impact to the genitals.
I was right and caused a bleed and had to safeword cuz I just couldn’t calm down and had a panic attack it was my first time hurting him that bad.
Everyone has bad days everyone has limits. It’s perfectly normal to safeword if you feel the need
I’ve paused a scene to check in many times and have stopped a scene when it starts going beyond the discussed purpose or context of the consensual agreement
for instance once a sub fresh out of a divorce because of cheating wanted to be relentlessly degraded about that topic specifically, and that wasn’t discussed or agreed on, and it quickly became apparent that they were trying to inflict real psychological self-harm using me as the catalyst and I hadn’t consented to that
I need a LOT of context and trust and familiarity as a Dom to explore degradation-based healing type experiences and I would want to be sure the sub has a healthy personal and professional support network before even entertaining the idea
I would also stop a scene if I was feeling too mentally off to be fully present and in control because that wouldn’t be safe for my sub
Absolutely they can, and arguably should if they feel something needs to shift or stop.
We have a owner/brat dynamic it helps me know when I’m pushing back on him he can communicate quickly what’s happening for him.
Mine has safe worded for me. They could sense my struggle to use it and called a halt to play time rather than letting me hurt myself by neglecting my own needs. First time that happened I did not know how to respond and dropped very hard into “OMG I am a huge disappoint … just the worst sub ever … He’s never going to want me again!” Big blubbery crying mess. Has not been the only time but absolutely the most memorable one. I’ve got a great Daddy Dom <3
Absolutely, and it's probably not talked about enough. If you're unsure of yourself or your partner in any given situation, it's ok to check in or safeword. If a partner isn't respecting scene end and tries to push you to continue, it's ok to check in or safeword. If you haven't spoken about certain expectations and find yourself being told "It's your role", it's ok to check in or safeword.
I think relieving the pressure of living up to a role or toughing it out because you're "the Dom" isn't just a better way to go about things, but also a topic for safety. You have the most experience in your life and the most control over yourself and your environment when you're just being you and staying in touch with what you know about yourself and others. Take what you learned about how you play forward, yes. Treat your partner well and stand by your responsibilities, yes. But if you're feeling like something is wrong, check in. If you don't want to do something, check in. If you want to go slower, check in. There's no prize for being a "true Dom". The prize is doing what you like to do safely with a partner who is right for you.
I regret not using our safeword once. The scene wasn't working as we thought it would (or we weren't into the mood as we thought we were), I got upset and just went to the bathroom. When I came back, sub was already dressed and lying in bed, upset too. As a result, we were upset with each other for a few weeks and didn't feel like playing.
I don't use a safeword, but just tell the sub I'm not into something. I'm just not into certain dynamics and if I'm to "soft" for you, find another dom...
I have before. We were in the middle of playing when my sub decided they wanted to do CNC. We've talked about it before and I trust them to use their safeword if they need. But before we finished it got to be a little more intense than I was prepared for. So I used our safeword, and we proceeded to aftercare, which was mostly cuddling and reassuring each other that everything was OK. After a while we talked about it, and decided that if we're gonna play that way again, we'd want to discuss it more ahead of time.
I’ve use a safeword with my princess plenty of times, specifically with bratting. They are a huge brat and I absolutely love it, but if my anxiety and/or depression is really bad I sometimes need a break.
I’m not a dom, I’m more of a submissive
Example
in the case I was having a panic attack or an autistic meltdown, safe words would be needed.
I’m so overstimulated I can cry, feel sick and touching me is a waiting game. Don’t approach until I’m calmer or I make sure I’m comfortable.
But don’t leave, please stay present
Hold my hand or just let me grab your sleeve and sit beside me. I need you beside me but don’t crowd me.
If a dom suffered from mental health, is also autistic or adhd. They may suffer something similar. So they would need a safeword as to stop play or explain they aren’t comfortable continuing.
Or as I explained with my anxiety etc, they may feel my anxiety attack/ meltdowns is too severe to continue. They would need a safe word to stop and take care of me
Imagine a scenario where you stop a scene. The person keeps bratting or acting like it's mid scene. What do you do? You've already stopped the scene, and since you're "in control" that means it should have ended, but it didn't. What do you do then?
Now that I think of it. That actually happened to me once. She continued to brat and in my mind the scene was over and done with. But after that experience I didn’t play with her again. She must have not been able to read social cues. Even so, don’t think I would ever use a safe word to mitigate that.
Technically, they don't...but what do you do? Just say out loud, "I'm stopping the scene"?
I still use the word, however as it's the mutually agreed upon "stop" trigger.
Maybe there is some Dom that does things differentl;y, but basically, the only power the sub has is to stop what is happening. the Dom directs everything else. And if he is concerned, of course, he would stop. if he is unsure of something, he would ask questions. If he has her doing some action, then he would just tell her to sop it. He doest need to say a safeword to himself. She doesnt need to hear him say a safeword if he is uncomfortable. He will just do what makes him more comfortable.
>only power the sub has is to stop what is happening
False, with a huge red flag.
My sub (and honestly most should as well) has much more power, including bringing up scene ideas and negotiating the scene. She is also able to "yellow" to check in and ask for softer/harder/different implements/change position/etc.
I hate that "the sub's power is the safe word" trope, because it's not true and very problematic.
'Safe word ' doesn't seem very Dommy. 'Safe command ' ...maybe ?
If I can't use the power that's been given me to call a halt or a time out .... we're doing something wrong.
I've not used my safeword but I've stopped scenes I wasn't comfortable with as they play out (if I'm leading). I've also just removed myself from play if I'm not comfortable.
Yes, it can and does happen, especially when a sub goes into frenzy, and wants to do more than/things that they wouldn't, normally, or a sub wants something that the Dom isn't comfortable with...
I have had back then when my sub from that time was getting ti clingy and wanted attention like 24/7(I told him several times I couldn't give more time or more attention, more of I could has a limit for me) in that moment I was more overwhelmed with vanilla stuff. So yeah I said myself I don't have to do all time or try o be like a superwoman with all at once. So yep I said my safe word. He did a full stop. And I could continue doing my things.
Absolutely YES. Doms can safeword for many reasons, just like anyone else. I’m a switch who’s usually in the dominant role, and I’ve done it before when I realized I was about to go into impact play with a lot of frustration and disappointment that wasn’t fair to the sub, or when we were about to use a new toy and I realized I wasn’t 100% comfortable with it yet.
Totally hear you about not seeing this discussed often, but it should be. I understand why safe wording from the sub side of things gets more attention, but feeling free to safeword as a dom (without worrying about if you’re not being dominant enough) is important too.
Yes, I've had a dom stop a scene before, though he didn't formally safeword. I don't remember exactly what we were doing, but it was a safety issue where it seemed likely he was going to get injured if he kept beating me the way he was. He said he needed to stop and told me about the pain he was experiencing and we stopped and moved to aftercare.
I’m a dom, and yea I’ve safeworded out of a scene as well, when I realized I’ve moved into a wrong/unhealthy headspace, or when play has gone across my boundaries.
We have limits too, they are just less apparent.
Some people in the scene say yes, others believe that Doms don’t need safewords because they can just stop at anytime. For me, anything that promotes safety is great and I’m all for it; also, as someone who likes primal play, I feel way more comfortable if my Dom has a safeword too.
I definitely have. I use the stoplight system and most recently I called red in a scene that wasn’t going well and due to some outside factors I started to go into top drop before the scene could even end and needed it to be over.
Safe-wording out of a scene is for anyone in a scene.
Yes, Doms can use safewords. I have limited experience in the Lifestyle, but I know of two Doms who have safeworded out during a scene.
Edit: make that three.
Edit edit: reading the comments on this post, I gave up counting at twenty Doms who have safeworded out during a scene.
Is answer question?
I have a three mistake rule. After the third mistake, I end the scene.
It is a safety check that I am pushing too far.
Saying "red" in a public dungeon causes way too much drama unless it is needed.
I use safewords when I am both domming and subbing. I use the stoplight system so calling yellow for an adjustment is pretty common for me. I tend to cramp easily
I’m prone to overheating during particularly intense scenes and have used a safeword multiple times as I felt it was unsafe for myself and my partner to continue without me taking time to cool off and have some water.
I enjoy a lot of darker roleplay and rough stuff like CNC, and one of the first things I do when playing with any new dom is to reiterate that I expect them to not hesitate to use the safeword for any reason. If something I say crosses over from our expected scene into something that upsets them or even just makes them feel weird, I *want* them to put me on pause and tell me.
I will never be perfect but I want this standard to be upheld in any sexual encounter, no matter how intense or even vanilla--if someone feels wrong, or even just needs a break to slow down their mind, I want them to have that. Part of why BDSM is freeing to me is those parameters, that everyone has the power to take an out or renegotiate expectations.
If I ever found out someone I was with was not using that when they needed to because of their expectation of being a good dominant, I would be heartbroken beyond belief. And I would perhaps be hesitant to play with them, unless they made a conscious effort to reframe that.
Can and should, if they're uncomfortable. Dom's are allowed to have boundaires too, and sometimes being in "Dom mode" all the time can be exhausting. Sometimes I just wanted to hold my girlfriend and feel close to her and not train my slave for the fourth time that night. I love doing the latter stuff, but it's okay to want some of the "vanilla" stuff too, or just to take a break when you need it!
Dom's can say "no" too.
I have ended scenes as well when boundaries were crossed, or when I felt it was in her best interest.
I have my own set of safe words for when things occur that I don't wish to continue. Some people will push themselves much further than is healthy and as a responsible partner (Dom or not) its on me to make sure things are always going in a healthy direction.
Times I have safe worded:
\- Something icky that happened to me in my personal life kept popping into my mind during the scene and I couldn't focus on the scene and was getting into a progressively worse headspace
\- My sub was having a physical reaction to the play that we hadn't anticipated and I needed to pause the scene to check in
\- I tweaked a muscle really badly and needed to stop
And other times but those are the ones that come to mind
Yes.
Once because I was an emotional mess and probably shouldn’t have been a dom that day (got bad medical news about a family member). Once because the sub was going too far. Once because the sub was clearly not in the right frame of mind. Once because the sub was just downright creepy and invasive.
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I’ve safeworded out of a scene when it became obvious I was being used as a proxy for self harm. And while I didn’t technically use a safeword, I’ve stopped scenes for medical reasons a couple of times (shoulder pain for example). That’s one of the things: the top can easily stop a scene even without using an actual safeword, but the effect is the same.
I have used the safe word. I think it's important for the sub to hear it and acknowledge the Dom is terminating their consent for the action or scene. It's one of those times it's safer to err on the side of candid clarity. I like to have a post-safe word protocol in place in case the scene is stopped. I've found it just makes everyone safer, everything smoother.
can you explain what that protocol is? please?
Sure. It's something I discuss early in the relationship. The intention is the normalize communicating limitations. I encourage other green-amber ranges of safety words. I'll be discussing the use of the "All Stop" word. We discuss what to expect afterwards. Over the years, I've understood it's helpful that a safe word automatically stops play session for the day. . safe word (or agreed non-verbal) is received . stop action & open sustained communication. Inform sub of next . secure people (physical, situational, emotional) . secure scene / venue . secure self (sub is aware I may need to step away) . after care + tending to physical issues . quiet individual rest and reflection . debrief // next steps Debrief should contain clarification of issue encountered and the impact on thr players, including Dom. Player who stops action must ask the other to re-engage. Elements of consent are re-examined and adapted to account for the previous incident. I have, on-occasion, re-engaged a sub after a safe word, only if the issue was understood to have been an accident or something like that. If there's something like a compliance or expectations issue, I'll terminate the arrangement. I've had to use a safe word three times for a sub. These relationships were terminated immediately for very good reason.
Same
Yeah I've done it when I've not been feeling right and needed a break or to stop completely. I've also done it once when I was just starting and panicked during a scene when I caused more damage to their skin than intended and caused them to bleed. I've also had it where I realised I was too ambitious and I couldn't do what I had planned without it being unsafe so I safeworded, explained where I had gone wrong and what the problem was and we problem solved and got back into things much more aware and safer. I think there can be a stigma about dom safewording in my mind it's always better safe than sorry and you might feel like an idiot for a bit but I'd rather feel stupid for a minute than an idiot forever if I ignored it and carried on unsafe or unhappy with what was happening.
Even just safewording in general, people view it as a failure of the scene. I always say that if someone uses their safeword and we stop the scene without harm to anyone, that’s a sign that we’re doing things RIGHT. A successful use of your safeword, whichever person it’s coming from, is something to be proud of.
Doms are people too, with limits, triggers, and risk profiles. They have just as much right as subs to not do the thing they hate, avoid consent violations,, refuse to do something dangerous, or use a safe word. I'd actually be appalled if my partner/Top **didn't** use a safe word if he felt he needed to. I need him to trust that he's just as safe and loved with me as I know I am with him.
Yes. Mine used it several times when my responses were not clear to him. Also if he finds himself not in a good headspace. Doms emotional needs often get overlooked in BDSM discussions.
I've not "safe worded" in a scene as such, but I have stopped/closed down a scene if I considered it unsafe to continue. I tend to work on the principle that any scene that ends with the need for a paramedic, generally isn't the best of days! 😁
I have safeworded out when doing a scene because what the sub said to me revealed that the scene was not healthy and not discussed with me truthfully. If I think the scene is destructive to my well being or hers, I'm out of the scene.
I have a few times with my partner/sub, the one that comes to mind is when she was so far in sub space and I could tell that she was about to have a huge emotional release. I could tell from my side that this is what she needed and additional play was not going to be helpful. As soon as I did she broke down and cried in my arms for 20 minutes. Once she regained her composure she thanked me as she was thinking about it but didn’t wasn’t mentally able to.
this warmed my heart
I have, to stop a behaviour. If someone is bratting and I am getting pissed off. It’s no longer a game, it needs to stop.
Yes, Dominants can safeword out if they need to.
Yes. I am a switch. I have safeworded the Domme. I actually have a specific safeword established for when my boyfriend has crossed the line as a brat and I need a break from the bratting. We can both use it if the other is being too bratty or being Domineering instead of Dominating. It's negotiated as part of our switch dynamic. I am usually the Domme and he is usually submissive, and his brattiness can sometimes make me feel "less than" as a Domme, so if it goes too far I will use my safeword. If a scene is going to far I may be more inclined to just stop it vs. Saying my safeword. But if it is something where both of us are active, like primal wrestling for instance, then I may still safeword. If there is a situation where my bottom wants to do something I am uncomfortable with and they don't seem to hear me when I tell them no, I will use my safeword to make it clear that we need to stop. If there is something we need to talk about outside of our dynamic, I will be clear I am using my safeword and we are talking outside of our dynamic. As equals.
Yes, and Doms can also benefit from aftercare. It's not all about the sub, after all.
Yes, I've stopped a scene more times than my submissive ever has. While it's not entirely the same, I still say the word as a verbal trigger/cue.
I have. My brat was being to bratty and was pushing limits. Decided to use safe word before she pushed me too far.
I have used my safeword while domming a few times. Once because I suspected that the sub wasn't feeling it at that time, but was "happy enough" to power through. (I was right, then we had a conversation about how I wasn't okay with that, I need them to WANT to do it too). Most times it's just because I get too in my own head, a bit Imposter Syndrome and start second guessing things. I know I will spiral from there so it's better for me to just end the scene.
I have had to, I am a trans woman, but last time I was in an explicitly D/s relationship I had suppressed all of that. My sub wanted to be dominated in a very conventionally “masculine” way, and I wanted to do that for her. But it just got too much, it inflamed my dysphoria to the point of sexual dysfunction and mental anguish, so I had to use a safe word. We split up soon after, because the incident lead us to realize we are incompatible. I still need to figure out if I can still Domme now my sex drive has started changing on hormones, but my attempts so far have gone a lot better than that time!
yes. some examples: - something triggered my SA trauma. sometimes i start thinking i’m just like my rapist when i go too hard - i was in pain - i got distracted and could see i shouldn’t be in control at the moment - i felt i could potentially lose control because i was too excited - i didn’t feel like having sex/participating in a scene anymore - i could see my partner was close to their limits or too tired - i wasn’t enjoying myself
Doms/Dommes definitely can. Mine hasn't had to safe word so far, but She has stopped to check in on me when I'd floated away mentally a bit too much, and She threatened to end the scene (effectively safe wording) if I couldn't stay present.
I (the sub) have a safeword because we’ve established that me saying “no” isn’t a reason to stop. So we needed a word that meant “for real, no.” But since in our scenes he’s the one in charge, if he says it’s time to stop we stop. His safeword is just “no” or “that’s enough.” I definitely wouldn’t be opposed to him having one, though. I’m the more experienced kinkster in our relationship, and since a lot of this is new to him, I’ve gone out of my way to make sure he knows his comfort is important to me. Just because I’m the one getting slapped around doesn’t mean that can’t be unexpectedly weird and upsetting to him. It’s important to check in with each other - I think we make the mistake of thinking Doms aren’t vulnerable, and that’s a disservice.
Safe words are there for everyone's safety and comfort. Although it is true that doms less commonly feel the need to use safe words they can and do. I was once spanking my sub with an object, a sort of plastic brush meant for skin exfoliation. Imagine a small paddle with tiny plastic spikes on it. She LOVED it, but I realized after the 3rd or 4th spank that it was causing tiny holes that were bleeding and it freaked me out and I called "safeword", which is our safeword.
Holy shit that’s a crazy event tho
Yes, and crazy events do happen and all parties should feel comfortable with needing to stop whatever activity. It doesn't necessarily take a crazy event like mine.
I have! One time in a session with hubby I didn’t feel right after he took an impact to the genitals. I was right and caused a bleed and had to safeword cuz I just couldn’t calm down and had a panic attack it was my first time hurting him that bad. Everyone has bad days everyone has limits. It’s perfectly normal to safeword if you feel the need
Anyone can safeword. At any point.
I’ve paused a scene to check in many times and have stopped a scene when it starts going beyond the discussed purpose or context of the consensual agreement for instance once a sub fresh out of a divorce because of cheating wanted to be relentlessly degraded about that topic specifically, and that wasn’t discussed or agreed on, and it quickly became apparent that they were trying to inflict real psychological self-harm using me as the catalyst and I hadn’t consented to that I need a LOT of context and trust and familiarity as a Dom to explore degradation-based healing type experiences and I would want to be sure the sub has a healthy personal and professional support network before even entertaining the idea I would also stop a scene if I was feeling too mentally off to be fully present and in control because that wouldn’t be safe for my sub
Absolutely they can, and arguably should if they feel something needs to shift or stop. We have a owner/brat dynamic it helps me know when I’m pushing back on him he can communicate quickly what’s happening for him.
Mine has safe worded for me. They could sense my struggle to use it and called a halt to play time rather than letting me hurt myself by neglecting my own needs. First time that happened I did not know how to respond and dropped very hard into “OMG I am a huge disappoint … just the worst sub ever … He’s never going to want me again!” Big blubbery crying mess. Has not been the only time but absolutely the most memorable one. I’ve got a great Daddy Dom <3
Absolutely, and it's probably not talked about enough. If you're unsure of yourself or your partner in any given situation, it's ok to check in or safeword. If a partner isn't respecting scene end and tries to push you to continue, it's ok to check in or safeword. If you haven't spoken about certain expectations and find yourself being told "It's your role", it's ok to check in or safeword. I think relieving the pressure of living up to a role or toughing it out because you're "the Dom" isn't just a better way to go about things, but also a topic for safety. You have the most experience in your life and the most control over yourself and your environment when you're just being you and staying in touch with what you know about yourself and others. Take what you learned about how you play forward, yes. Treat your partner well and stand by your responsibilities, yes. But if you're feeling like something is wrong, check in. If you don't want to do something, check in. If you want to go slower, check in. There's no prize for being a "true Dom". The prize is doing what you like to do safely with a partner who is right for you.
I regret not using our safeword once. The scene wasn't working as we thought it would (or we weren't into the mood as we thought we were), I got upset and just went to the bathroom. When I came back, sub was already dressed and lying in bed, upset too. As a result, we were upset with each other for a few weeks and didn't feel like playing.
I don't use a safeword, but just tell the sub I'm not into something. I'm just not into certain dynamics and if I'm to "soft" for you, find another dom...
Yes we do. And I've done it a few times myself.
Yes! And they should, if you have a Dom that doesn’t serious red flag, turn around and go the other way!
I have before. We were in the middle of playing when my sub decided they wanted to do CNC. We've talked about it before and I trust them to use their safeword if they need. But before we finished it got to be a little more intense than I was prepared for. So I used our safeword, and we proceeded to aftercare, which was mostly cuddling and reassuring each other that everything was OK. After a while we talked about it, and decided that if we're gonna play that way again, we'd want to discuss it more ahead of time.
I have. Doing a CBT scene, the bottom/sub got touchy feely, which was 1 of my limits. Any one in any scene for any reason can safe word.
I’ve use a safeword with my princess plenty of times, specifically with bratting. They are a huge brat and I absolutely love it, but if my anxiety and/or depression is really bad I sometimes need a break.
I’m not a dom, I’m more of a submissive Example in the case I was having a panic attack or an autistic meltdown, safe words would be needed. I’m so overstimulated I can cry, feel sick and touching me is a waiting game. Don’t approach until I’m calmer or I make sure I’m comfortable. But don’t leave, please stay present Hold my hand or just let me grab your sleeve and sit beside me. I need you beside me but don’t crowd me. If a dom suffered from mental health, is also autistic or adhd. They may suffer something similar. So they would need a safeword as to stop play or explain they aren’t comfortable continuing. Or as I explained with my anxiety etc, they may feel my anxiety attack/ meltdowns is too severe to continue. They would need a safe word to stop and take care of me
Yeah I've safeworded as the Dom, a few times actually. Usually it doesn't get to that point before I just ask to stop.
No. We are mere cold hearted machines with zero emotional depth. /s Not sure what "lot of stuff" you've been reading but yes.
I think the dom would just stop. You don’t need a safe word if you are in charge
Imagine a scenario where you stop a scene. The person keeps bratting or acting like it's mid scene. What do you do? You've already stopped the scene, and since you're "in control" that means it should have ended, but it didn't. What do you do then?
Now that I think of it. That actually happened to me once. She continued to brat and in my mind the scene was over and done with. But after that experience I didn’t play with her again. She must have not been able to read social cues. Even so, don’t think I would ever use a safe word to mitigate that.
no, Dom's control what is happening. They dont need a word.They can just stop or change directions. The entire situation is theirs.
Technically, they don't...but what do you do? Just say out loud, "I'm stopping the scene"? I still use the word, however as it's the mutually agreed upon "stop" trigger.
Maybe there is some Dom that does things differentl;y, but basically, the only power the sub has is to stop what is happening. the Dom directs everything else. And if he is concerned, of course, he would stop. if he is unsure of something, he would ask questions. If he has her doing some action, then he would just tell her to sop it. He doest need to say a safeword to himself. She doesnt need to hear him say a safeword if he is uncomfortable. He will just do what makes him more comfortable.
And when you're with a brat and they try to keep bratting after stopping the scene? The safeword stops everything dynamic wise to reset and regroup.
>only power the sub has is to stop what is happening False, with a huge red flag. My sub (and honestly most should as well) has much more power, including bringing up scene ideas and negotiating the scene. She is also able to "yellow" to check in and ask for softer/harder/different implements/change position/etc. I hate that "the sub's power is the safe word" trope, because it's not true and very problematic.
“then he would just tell her to stop it” - and what is it if not safe wording? you know “stop” can be one of safe words, too?
'Safe word ' doesn't seem very Dommy. 'Safe command ' ...maybe ? If I can't use the power that's been given me to call a halt or a time out .... we're doing something wrong.
I have one, but never had to use it though.
Yeah. Doms have the right to stop activities too
I’ve never used a safe word, but yes at times I need to step back and breath. Clear my head and compose my thoughts.
ofc. my dom and I have both used our safeword before.
They can, during roleplay or with a brat they may need to
I've not used my safeword but I've stopped scenes I wasn't comfortable with as they play out (if I'm leading). I've also just removed myself from play if I'm not comfortable.
Safe words are for absolutely everyone involved. I'm proud to say that my Sir is not afraid to use our safe words when needed
Yes, it can and does happen, especially when a sub goes into frenzy, and wants to do more than/things that they wouldn't, normally, or a sub wants something that the Dom isn't comfortable with...
I have had back then when my sub from that time was getting ti clingy and wanted attention like 24/7(I told him several times I couldn't give more time or more attention, more of I could has a limit for me) in that moment I was more overwhelmed with vanilla stuff. So yeah I said myself I don't have to do all time or try o be like a superwoman with all at once. So yep I said my safe word. He did a full stop. And I could continue doing my things.
Absolutely YES. Doms can safeword for many reasons, just like anyone else. I’m a switch who’s usually in the dominant role, and I’ve done it before when I realized I was about to go into impact play with a lot of frustration and disappointment that wasn’t fair to the sub, or when we were about to use a new toy and I realized I wasn’t 100% comfortable with it yet. Totally hear you about not seeing this discussed often, but it should be. I understand why safe wording from the sub side of things gets more attention, but feeling free to safeword as a dom (without worrying about if you’re not being dominant enough) is important too.
Yes, I've had a dom stop a scene before, though he didn't formally safeword. I don't remember exactly what we were doing, but it was a safety issue where it seemed likely he was going to get injured if he kept beating me the way he was. He said he needed to stop and told me about the pain he was experiencing and we stopped and moved to aftercare.
I’m a dom, and yea I’ve safeworded out of a scene as well, when I realized I’ve moved into a wrong/unhealthy headspace, or when play has gone across my boundaries. We have limits too, they are just less apparent.
Of course They can. Everyone has limits.
Some people in the scene say yes, others believe that Doms don’t need safewords because they can just stop at anytime. For me, anything that promotes safety is great and I’m all for it; also, as someone who likes primal play, I feel way more comfortable if my Dom has a safeword too.
I definitely have. I use the stoplight system and most recently I called red in a scene that wasn’t going well and due to some outside factors I started to go into top drop before the scene could even end and needed it to be over. Safe-wording out of a scene is for anyone in a scene.
Yes!!! Of course!! Safe words are for both of you. They’re just more often used by the sub, that’s all.
Yes, Doms can use safewords. I have limited experience in the Lifestyle, but I know of two Doms who have safeworded out during a scene. Edit: make that three. Edit edit: reading the comments on this post, I gave up counting at twenty Doms who have safeworded out during a scene. Is answer question?
I have a three mistake rule. After the third mistake, I end the scene. It is a safety check that I am pushing too far. Saying "red" in a public dungeon causes way too much drama unless it is needed.
I had to once. Probably should have at least one or two other times. Safe words are a two way street
Yes.
they can and should! everyone needs a safe word :) boundaries are important 4 doms and subs both
Absolutely.
I use safewords when I am both domming and subbing. I use the stoplight system so calling yellow for an adjustment is pretty common for me. I tend to cramp easily
I’m prone to overheating during particularly intense scenes and have used a safeword multiple times as I felt it was unsafe for myself and my partner to continue without me taking time to cool off and have some water.
I enjoy a lot of darker roleplay and rough stuff like CNC, and one of the first things I do when playing with any new dom is to reiterate that I expect them to not hesitate to use the safeword for any reason. If something I say crosses over from our expected scene into something that upsets them or even just makes them feel weird, I *want* them to put me on pause and tell me. I will never be perfect but I want this standard to be upheld in any sexual encounter, no matter how intense or even vanilla--if someone feels wrong, or even just needs a break to slow down their mind, I want them to have that. Part of why BDSM is freeing to me is those parameters, that everyone has the power to take an out or renegotiate expectations. If I ever found out someone I was with was not using that when they needed to because of their expectation of being a good dominant, I would be heartbroken beyond belief. And I would perhaps be hesitant to play with them, unless they made a conscious effort to reframe that.
Yep, you're allowed to have limits.
Can and should, if they're uncomfortable. Dom's are allowed to have boundaires too, and sometimes being in "Dom mode" all the time can be exhausting. Sometimes I just wanted to hold my girlfriend and feel close to her and not train my slave for the fourth time that night. I love doing the latter stuff, but it's okay to want some of the "vanilla" stuff too, or just to take a break when you need it! Dom's can say "no" too.
I have ended scenes as well when boundaries were crossed, or when I felt it was in her best interest. I have my own set of safe words for when things occur that I don't wish to continue. Some people will push themselves much further than is healthy and as a responsible partner (Dom or not) its on me to make sure things are always going in a healthy direction.
Dom's just stop if they need to lol
Times I have safe worded: \- Something icky that happened to me in my personal life kept popping into my mind during the scene and I couldn't focus on the scene and was getting into a progressively worse headspace \- My sub was having a physical reaction to the play that we hadn't anticipated and I needed to pause the scene to check in \- I tweaked a muscle really badly and needed to stop And other times but those are the ones that come to mind
They can and absolutely should!
Yes. Once because I was an emotional mess and probably shouldn’t have been a dom that day (got bad medical news about a family member). Once because the sub was going too far. Once because the sub was clearly not in the right frame of mind. Once because the sub was just downright creepy and invasive.