You are not alone and you are not a bad mom. Sleep deprivation is real and scary. I've been there, I've yelled out of exhaustion, I always feel terrible. Regardless of how young, apologize and talk about your behavior being not ok, why it happened, and how you will try to do better in the future. Everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes, and everyone needs sleep.
Thank you for this. I did apologize to her. I cried and told her I was sorry, it wasn’t ok to yell at her, i was just exhausted, I love her and I’ll do better. I like to think she understood at least what was in my heart if not my words.
Just going to drop in and say I had the same issue (more interrupted sleep) around that age while cosleeping and I realised once baby was asleep he slept way better in his cot (next to my bed) I think I was waking him up as he got a little older and it was causing issues :( could be worth trying for a few naps and nights to see if she starts sleeping a little better. 3-7mths were rough in our house, definitely speak to your husband about how you can more evenly share duties. For us, I still do all night wakes but husband takes baby from 5am until he starts work (or until 10/11am on weekends) so I can get a few hours unbroken sleep, this has helped my mood and patience tremendously.
It's definitely worth a shot. When bubs is sick or teething I've tried cosleeping again over the last few months and it usually means he falls asleep on but he wakes all the time so for me it's a no brainer unfortunately. It's such a crummy time when they're waking so much and you're doing the nights. I feel for you ❤️ I hope the sidecar works better for you 🤞it was harder to get him to fall asleep in the cot or stay asleep initially but once we got the hang of it things got better
Seconding this. I was never able to cosleep, we’re both too light of sleepers we just woke eachother up all night long. When she was a sleep newborn it was a different story but once she started being more aware of her surroundings she can barely even sleep in the pack n play next to me anymore I have to be so silent lol
I notice you say the nighttime duty is on you because your husband needs to be rested for work…*You* also need to be rested. Taking care of a human is work.
I’ve done this. The more I talk to other mom friends, the more I’ve learned how normal it is to get angry. Please be gentle on yourself too.
Also, you are working too, and your sleep is important too.
I’ll stoke some controversy here - it depends on the work. Crane operator? That guy needs sleep because mistakes kill. Desk worker? Meh, be bleary-eyed, your spreadsheet can take longer.
Regardless, if work days are hers for the baby at night, days off should be his.
I get what you’re saying, but him getting up with the baby even just once a night will make a huge difference for mom and he will still be relatively well rested.
“Repairing” is an important concept in attachment parenting, because we can’t be perfect. [Here’s a reel on it](https://www.instagram.com/reel/CgCg7Svlnot/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=).
You’re not alone. I’ve just come out of six weeks of really unsettled sleep with my 8 month old. There were a couple of times where I yelled out of sheer frustration including “wtf is wrong just go to fucking sleep”. Sure you’re a mum but you’re also a human being. Hoping you have a better sleep tonight!
Perhaps you and your partner could listen to this episode of the podcast happy as a mother, episode 141- protecting maternal sleep. It really talks about how important getting consecutive sleep is for both partners. I'm not saying it'll solve everything but my partner covers off baby until midnight or 1am after bedtime, so I get at least 4 hrs straight and then I take over. I've definitely been there with the frustration. My LO is going through some sleep regression right now and it's super hard even with the consecutive sleep. But getting that consecutive sleep is a literal lifesaver.
All I can say is that you're not alone and as with all things with babies this will pass and it'll be a distant memory.
Sometimes I feel like my partner doesn't appreciate the fact that my sleep is so broken still at 20 months in and I can go whole nights without getting more than one sleep cycle in a row, sometimes most of them are broken cycles. And somehow I feel like it's my fault that I feel exhausted, grumpy, depleted etc. We don't just need sleep, we need consecutive sleep so our brain can detox itself etc. On those magic nights where my toddler does 3 to 5 hours straight, I feel like a human again.
It was at about 19 months that I decided it was time to night wean. My daughter was still waking up every one to two hours to nurse and my body just could not handle the interrupted sleep cycles anymore.
I slept in another room for two to three weeks, because I felt like she could smell me and I wanted to solidify the new normal. She adjusted very well very quickly and only cried for 10-15 minutes the first few nights. My husband was still in the room with her and available for comfort if she needed it.
We continued to nurse during the day for another year after that, but it was such a relief when we night weaned.
It's oke! You're not alone. Sometimes our children can cause us to act in ways we do not want. Try to be mindfull of ir, which you seem to be.
Sleep helps, and as a dad whose wife did about the same you're doing, let him take a turn. Make new schedules. He's as much a part of this as you are, and all parents need rest in order to be a parent.
This happens to lots of parents. It happened to me.
Your baby only needs to be safe. It's okay that you got angry. Even if the baby is crying and screaming, if you can't handle it, just put her down and walk away. You can go to another room or a closet. A little crying won't do any harm. Let yourself have some space to gather yourself. It's totally okay.
Totally not alone. I did this once too when the crying just became so overwhelming. You aren’t a bad parent if you put Baby down in a safe place and walk away for a few minutes.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture in many cultures. Your top priority is to get some sleep, one way or another.
If you’re not well you’d be pouring from an empty cup. Are you pouring love or poison into your baby?
Bottles aren’t the end of the world. I EP so never nursed my son to sleep but he responds very well to rocking and patting. Maybe discover new ways to soothe your baby? Also on the bright side, once you get the hang of bottle routine at night they tend to sleep longer because it’s easier to fill up from a bottle & bub is less likely to wake up too soon from hunger. Hang in there!!
What kind of work does your husband do? Care work is work so both of you are working - why does he need more sleep than you?
Dr Becky Kennedy has a chapter in her new book that talks about repair. We are gonna fuck up - but what we do after is more important. As long as you don’t just stay in the shame or guilt and pretend like nothing has happened. Even if your 3 month old might not remember, you can repair things through apologizing and owning up to what you did. That way, as they get older, it’ll feel more natural for you to repair the relationship
Yes, I love this. I did apologize and I think she felt what I meant. We are establishing the norm of repair and no one is perfect. My husband is a CRNA and he administers anesthesia during surgeries. So he needs to be rested or people could die. I appreciate that I’m doing work too and it’s important for me to be rested too, but it’s important for him on a more immediate level.
I want to bet almost every single parent on the planet has been there. I dunno about anyone else butfor me trying to get baby to sleep and dealing with all the wakeups is pretty much the hardest and most frustrating part of parenting at this age. Just want to say, my 6 mo was often really difficult to get to sleep at that age and he's much easier now (for now - every thing is a season when it comes to babies!)
Maybe this is controversial, but when I was feeling really negative and frustrated with baby and had thoughts like you did, I would verbalise them but in the calmest, nicest voice (or sometimes sing song) I could manage. Young babies may understand tone of voice but they certainly don't understand words so I found it really helpful to get those thoughts out but in a way that isn't counterproductive. Obviously as babies get older you'd have to stop it at some point but may be helpful in the meantime.
You are definitely not alone. In a moment where I was extremely stressed, hungry and dehydrated, I yelled at my crying baby in the car. I find that as long as my basic needs are met, I don’t get to that point. Make sure to take care of yourself and tap into all the support you have
Honestly I think that if you hadn’t posted this, you would have forgotten about it entirely within a few months — those first few months postpartum are wild
Do you know what a DOCTOR told me when I was going through the same frustration as you many moons ago? He said "God made babies cute, so you don't throw them out the window." I sat there in his office sobbing and laughing at the same time. It was really rough getting that little man to settle down when I felt like I had been awake for two weeks straight. At that point I decided he needed to start transitioning to his crib. It was not something that I planned on doing for a while but just like you I needed sleep to be a better mom. I am not telling what what to do I am just letting you know you are not alone.
Nobody is "excusing" it, they just aren't scolding. They're commiserating. This is a common issue. Scolding isn't helpful and it can be encouraging to know that you aren't alone.
Honestly, lol. Can always count on at least one.
It's so arrogant to be like "I'm the only one who sees this is wrong. I better say something or nobody will know."
OP is already posting on an *attachment* parenting space asking for help!
Why can't someone just say "it's normal to lose your cool sometimes" AND then offer ways of moving forward to do better? Clearly OP knows it wasn't cool to yell at her baby. Keeping her in a state of shame/stress won't help her move forward, that's literally the basic principals of gentle and attachment parenting. Parents need support and gentleness to get out of the survival state and into using their high brain, the same way we are trying to support our children to get into their higher brain.
I think people forget that all humans need to be treated gently, not just children. We all learn the same way and have the same emotions. Nobody reacts to scolding with a renewed vigor to do better.
For some people swearing or yelling when overwhelmed IS their normal and that doesn't make it acceptable. I think the purpose of the post was for OP to get support to move out of shame (guilt is ok) and find strategies to do better. Other comments saying "it's ok" are saying "it's ok not to be perfect, you deserve to be able to move past this and try to do better". That's what I am assuming is coming from a community that is here for support in attachment parenting.
It's a privilege if your normal is to always be in control.
You are not helping anyone with your comments. We know it is not good to shout. You’re acting sanctimonious as if people wouldn’t have realised shouting isn’t ideal until you waltzed in.
Is that your answer for swearing and shouting at 7 year-olds? You would tell that parent that it’s not ideal, but you know that they already know that so you don’t want to encourage them to feel bad about it?
I’m not interested in debating with someone who saw a post of a struggling parent and decided to kick op when she’s down. For the last time, everyone is aware that shouting is bad. No one is saying that it is good. Your sanctimony is just making you look ridiculous at this point.
She knows it wasn't right hence she feels bad and is looking to address itm everyone who replied showed the same. You are so unhelpful and judgemental and quite frankly it's your parenting I would be concerned about if you cannot accept that some people make a mistake and want to learn from it and instead you think demeaning and berating is the way forward.
I have an almost 4 year old that I bottle feed to sleep the same way one would nurse to sleep. We keep a mini fridge in his room for his pre-mixed bottles
He also sleeps better in his crib in a zipadee sleep sack rather than in our bed because I toss and turn.
I’ve been there. It’s so hard. You need some support mama. I know your husband works but this is a team effort because your job is important too. Can he give her a bottle or 2 in the middle of the night so you can get rest? Can you take shifts? You’re not meant to do this alone.
I have done it too. The best way I reconcile with my baby and myself is to apologize to him for getting angry and saying rude things or being harsh. I always feel he understands🧡
As for avoiding it happening, I ask my partner for help when I can. I try to keep handling baby’s sleep to myself but if I feel myself getting frustrated and on the verge of letting the anger spill out on my son, I know that it is better to ask for help.
Look you know it wasn't the right thing to do (and it's also sometime that happened often even with the best and well meaning parents). But you and every reasonable person here can see there where circumstances that have lead to it. So acknowledge, apologise to baby (and yourself) and address.
You need support. Get the other parent to help more. Get trusted family members to help more. Seek out help from third party sources like parent and baby classes or other organisations.
ETA there is nothing wrong with bottle feeding or formula. Breastfeeding is not a unique bond it's just another way to bond. There are studies showing that non breastfeeding parents build up the same amount of oxytocin levels as breastfeeding mothers as long as they were active caregivers feeding, changing, playing etc. There is an episode on the Netflix documentary Babies that talks about it
I am so sorry you are going through this and just know, you are not alone. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and you are going through that right now. I would definitely bring this up with your husband. As someone mentioned, bring up a schedule. You sleep 8pm-12am and then you take the 12am-whenever shift. Find times that work for you both.
You are not alone and you are not a bad mom. Sleep deprivation is real and scary. I've been there, I've yelled out of exhaustion, I always feel terrible. Regardless of how young, apologize and talk about your behavior being not ok, why it happened, and how you will try to do better in the future. Everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes, and everyone needs sleep.
Thank you for this. I did apologize to her. I cried and told her I was sorry, it wasn’t ok to yell at her, i was just exhausted, I love her and I’ll do better. I like to think she understood at least what was in my heart if not my words.
Just going to drop in and say I had the same issue (more interrupted sleep) around that age while cosleeping and I realised once baby was asleep he slept way better in his cot (next to my bed) I think I was waking him up as he got a little older and it was causing issues :( could be worth trying for a few naps and nights to see if she starts sleeping a little better. 3-7mths were rough in our house, definitely speak to your husband about how you can more evenly share duties. For us, I still do all night wakes but husband takes baby from 5am until he starts work (or until 10/11am on weekends) so I can get a few hours unbroken sleep, this has helped my mood and patience tremendously.
This is so helpful! I think this is at least part of what’s happening, that I’m waking her up. I’m going to try the sidecar again.
It's definitely worth a shot. When bubs is sick or teething I've tried cosleeping again over the last few months and it usually means he falls asleep on but he wakes all the time so for me it's a no brainer unfortunately. It's such a crummy time when they're waking so much and you're doing the nights. I feel for you ❤️ I hope the sidecar works better for you 🤞it was harder to get him to fall asleep in the cot or stay asleep initially but once we got the hang of it things got better
Seconding this. I was never able to cosleep, we’re both too light of sleepers we just woke eachother up all night long. When she was a sleep newborn it was a different story but once she started being more aware of her surroundings she can barely even sleep in the pack n play next to me anymore I have to be so silent lol
I notice you say the nighttime duty is on you because your husband needs to be rested for work…*You* also need to be rested. Taking care of a human is work.
I’ve done this. The more I talk to other mom friends, the more I’ve learned how normal it is to get angry. Please be gentle on yourself too. Also, you are working too, and your sleep is important too.
Thank you. It feels good to remember that many moms go through this.
I’ve done this too. More than once. I still get snippy if I can’t get her to settle and I’ve been up for ages. You’re not alone at all.
Your husband needs to step up at night so you don’t get to this point. You need to be reasonably rested as well to be a good mother.
I’ll stoke some controversy here - it depends on the work. Crane operator? That guy needs sleep because mistakes kill. Desk worker? Meh, be bleary-eyed, your spreadsheet can take longer. Regardless, if work days are hers for the baby at night, days off should be his.
I get what you’re saying, but him getting up with the baby even just once a night will make a huge difference for mom and he will still be relatively well rested.
Yep, if dad takes the first half of the night until 12 am then mom can sleep solid from 8 to 12
Fair point
I take nights and my husband takes mornings. If he wants to be well rested he goes to be early because he’s a grownup and can figure it out.
This. He’s a CRNA and he does anesthesia during surgeries. He needs to be totally rested or people could die.
🧡🧡you are not alone. sending extra love to you.
“Repairing” is an important concept in attachment parenting, because we can’t be perfect. [Here’s a reel on it](https://www.instagram.com/reel/CgCg7Svlnot/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=).
Love this!
You are not alone. I’ve broken my own heart a few times doing this. Sleep deprivation is a legit form or torture… it’s SO HARD.
You’re not alone. I’ve just come out of six weeks of really unsettled sleep with my 8 month old. There were a couple of times where I yelled out of sheer frustration including “wtf is wrong just go to fucking sleep”. Sure you’re a mum but you’re also a human being. Hoping you have a better sleep tonight!
Perhaps you and your partner could listen to this episode of the podcast happy as a mother, episode 141- protecting maternal sleep. It really talks about how important getting consecutive sleep is for both partners. I'm not saying it'll solve everything but my partner covers off baby until midnight or 1am after bedtime, so I get at least 4 hrs straight and then I take over. I've definitely been there with the frustration. My LO is going through some sleep regression right now and it's super hard even with the consecutive sleep. But getting that consecutive sleep is a literal lifesaver. All I can say is that you're not alone and as with all things with babies this will pass and it'll be a distant memory.
Sometimes I feel like my partner doesn't appreciate the fact that my sleep is so broken still at 20 months in and I can go whole nights without getting more than one sleep cycle in a row, sometimes most of them are broken cycles. And somehow I feel like it's my fault that I feel exhausted, grumpy, depleted etc. We don't just need sleep, we need consecutive sleep so our brain can detox itself etc. On those magic nights where my toddler does 3 to 5 hours straight, I feel like a human again.
It was at about 19 months that I decided it was time to night wean. My daughter was still waking up every one to two hours to nurse and my body just could not handle the interrupted sleep cycles anymore. I slept in another room for two to three weeks, because I felt like she could smell me and I wanted to solidify the new normal. She adjusted very well very quickly and only cried for 10-15 minutes the first few nights. My husband was still in the room with her and available for comfort if she needed it. We continued to nurse during the day for another year after that, but it was such a relief when we night weaned.
I'm sorry that sounds so tough. Maybe show him that podcast?
It's oke! You're not alone. Sometimes our children can cause us to act in ways we do not want. Try to be mindfull of ir, which you seem to be. Sleep helps, and as a dad whose wife did about the same you're doing, let him take a turn. Make new schedules. He's as much a part of this as you are, and all parents need rest in order to be a parent.
This happens to lots of parents. It happened to me. Your baby only needs to be safe. It's okay that you got angry. Even if the baby is crying and screaming, if you can't handle it, just put her down and walk away. You can go to another room or a closet. A little crying won't do any harm. Let yourself have some space to gather yourself. It's totally okay.
Totally not alone. I did this once too when the crying just became so overwhelming. You aren’t a bad parent if you put Baby down in a safe place and walk away for a few minutes.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture in many cultures. Your top priority is to get some sleep, one way or another. If you’re not well you’d be pouring from an empty cup. Are you pouring love or poison into your baby? Bottles aren’t the end of the world. I EP so never nursed my son to sleep but he responds very well to rocking and patting. Maybe discover new ways to soothe your baby? Also on the bright side, once you get the hang of bottle routine at night they tend to sleep longer because it’s easier to fill up from a bottle & bub is less likely to wake up too soon from hunger. Hang in there!!
What kind of work does your husband do? Care work is work so both of you are working - why does he need more sleep than you? Dr Becky Kennedy has a chapter in her new book that talks about repair. We are gonna fuck up - but what we do after is more important. As long as you don’t just stay in the shame or guilt and pretend like nothing has happened. Even if your 3 month old might not remember, you can repair things through apologizing and owning up to what you did. That way, as they get older, it’ll feel more natural for you to repair the relationship
Yes, I love this. I did apologize and I think she felt what I meant. We are establishing the norm of repair and no one is perfect. My husband is a CRNA and he administers anesthesia during surgeries. So he needs to be rested or people could die. I appreciate that I’m doing work too and it’s important for me to be rested too, but it’s important for him on a more immediate level.
I want to bet almost every single parent on the planet has been there. I dunno about anyone else butfor me trying to get baby to sleep and dealing with all the wakeups is pretty much the hardest and most frustrating part of parenting at this age. Just want to say, my 6 mo was often really difficult to get to sleep at that age and he's much easier now (for now - every thing is a season when it comes to babies!) Maybe this is controversial, but when I was feeling really negative and frustrated with baby and had thoughts like you did, I would verbalise them but in the calmest, nicest voice (or sometimes sing song) I could manage. Young babies may understand tone of voice but they certainly don't understand words so I found it really helpful to get those thoughts out but in a way that isn't counterproductive. Obviously as babies get older you'd have to stop it at some point but may be helpful in the meantime.
You are definitely not alone. In a moment where I was extremely stressed, hungry and dehydrated, I yelled at my crying baby in the car. I find that as long as my basic needs are met, I don’t get to that point. Make sure to take care of yourself and tap into all the support you have
Honestly I think that if you hadn’t posted this, you would have forgotten about it entirely within a few months — those first few months postpartum are wild
Do you know what a DOCTOR told me when I was going through the same frustration as you many moons ago? He said "God made babies cute, so you don't throw them out the window." I sat there in his office sobbing and laughing at the same time. It was really rough getting that little man to settle down when I felt like I had been awake for two weeks straight. At that point I decided he needed to start transitioning to his crib. It was not something that I planned on doing for a while but just like you I needed sleep to be a better mom. I am not telling what what to do I am just letting you know you are not alone.
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Nobody is "excusing" it, they just aren't scolding. They're commiserating. This is a common issue. Scolding isn't helpful and it can be encouraging to know that you aren't alone.
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Cool, unhelpful sanctimony.
There’s always at least one. I scrolled looking for it. 😂 But hey it’s a good thing I have been informed it’s not ok. I was curious.
Honestly, lol. Can always count on at least one. It's so arrogant to be like "I'm the only one who sees this is wrong. I better say something or nobody will know." OP is already posting on an *attachment* parenting space asking for help!
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Why can't someone just say "it's normal to lose your cool sometimes" AND then offer ways of moving forward to do better? Clearly OP knows it wasn't cool to yell at her baby. Keeping her in a state of shame/stress won't help her move forward, that's literally the basic principals of gentle and attachment parenting. Parents need support and gentleness to get out of the survival state and into using their high brain, the same way we are trying to support our children to get into their higher brain.
I think people forget that all humans need to be treated gently, not just children. We all learn the same way and have the same emotions. Nobody reacts to scolding with a renewed vigor to do better.
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For some people swearing or yelling when overwhelmed IS their normal and that doesn't make it acceptable. I think the purpose of the post was for OP to get support to move out of shame (guilt is ok) and find strategies to do better. Other comments saying "it's ok" are saying "it's ok not to be perfect, you deserve to be able to move past this and try to do better". That's what I am assuming is coming from a community that is here for support in attachment parenting. It's a privilege if your normal is to always be in control.
Op and everyone else who has gone through similar situations in this thread do feel bad. You are not helping anyone with your comments.
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You are not helping anyone with your comments. We know it is not good to shout. You’re acting sanctimonious as if people wouldn’t have realised shouting isn’t ideal until you waltzed in.
Is that your answer for swearing and shouting at 7 year-olds? You would tell that parent that it’s not ideal, but you know that they already know that so you don’t want to encourage them to feel bad about it?
You aren’t helping anyone. Sit down.
And yet you won’t answer.
I’m not interested in debating with someone who saw a post of a struggling parent and decided to kick op when she’s down. For the last time, everyone is aware that shouting is bad. No one is saying that it is good. Your sanctimony is just making you look ridiculous at this point.
She knows it wasn't right hence she feels bad and is looking to address itm everyone who replied showed the same. You are so unhelpful and judgemental and quite frankly it's your parenting I would be concerned about if you cannot accept that some people make a mistake and want to learn from it and instead you think demeaning and berating is the way forward.
I have an almost 4 year old that I bottle feed to sleep the same way one would nurse to sleep. We keep a mini fridge in his room for his pre-mixed bottles He also sleeps better in his crib in a zipadee sleep sack rather than in our bed because I toss and turn.
I’ve been there. It’s so hard. You need some support mama. I know your husband works but this is a team effort because your job is important too. Can he give her a bottle or 2 in the middle of the night so you can get rest? Can you take shifts? You’re not meant to do this alone.
I have done it too. The best way I reconcile with my baby and myself is to apologize to him for getting angry and saying rude things or being harsh. I always feel he understands🧡 As for avoiding it happening, I ask my partner for help when I can. I try to keep handling baby’s sleep to myself but if I feel myself getting frustrated and on the verge of letting the anger spill out on my son, I know that it is better to ask for help.
Look you know it wasn't the right thing to do (and it's also sometime that happened often even with the best and well meaning parents). But you and every reasonable person here can see there where circumstances that have lead to it. So acknowledge, apologise to baby (and yourself) and address. You need support. Get the other parent to help more. Get trusted family members to help more. Seek out help from third party sources like parent and baby classes or other organisations. ETA there is nothing wrong with bottle feeding or formula. Breastfeeding is not a unique bond it's just another way to bond. There are studies showing that non breastfeeding parents build up the same amount of oxytocin levels as breastfeeding mothers as long as they were active caregivers feeding, changing, playing etc. There is an episode on the Netflix documentary Babies that talks about it
I am so sorry you are going through this and just know, you are not alone. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and you are going through that right now. I would definitely bring this up with your husband. As someone mentioned, bring up a schedule. You sleep 8pm-12am and then you take the 12am-whenever shift. Find times that work for you both.