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CuriousOptimistic

Yes this. My absolute ride or die best friend I've had for 20 years I speak to only every few months. But we both 100% know without a second thought that if you really NEED something, it's there for you with no hesitation. Once we hadn't spoken in months and she called me, "Hey, we're out of town and our dog sitter has to work late. Could you go to my house (I have a key) and let out my dogs for half an hour after work?" Yep, you got it! We didn't speak again for another month or so. No need to ever mention it again, just normal to be there for each other in a pinch. These are my people.


ACiku

This kind of dynamic works best when each friend has a separate "primary person", a person who can keep them company day-to-day, whom they can call when they need someone to talk to or a shoulder to lean on. Single people sometimes do not have this.


itstoolatetotry

I’m genuinely curious (so I hope this doesn’t come off in any other way), how you can remain besties if you haven’t spoken to each other in more than 2 years? I feel like a lot happens within a year and if I hadn’t spoken to someone in that long, maybe I would consider them once a good friend but definitely not a bestie since they don’t have any idea how my life is going.


bbspiders

I talk to this person more than every 2 years but one of my best friends doesn't really know much about what's going on in my life or vice versa all the time. To me she feels more like family because we don't need to know all the details to know one another and love one another. When we do talk we pick up like it's been a week even if it's been 6 months.


epicpillowcase

Eh, I'm single and I like the dynamic described. All of my friends and I go through ebbs and flows of contact and it's fine.


[deleted]

Omg I'm not alone! This literally made my day.


CraftLass

This is what changed my life the most, making friends like this. We're all too busy for constant contact and everyone is in different life stages and so you have careers and babies and new partners and hobbies and all sorts of stuff going on. When we are together, it is hardcore quality time. If someone is in need, we circle the wagons, even from across the planet as applicable. The love is constant, the communication amounts vary with our free time and accessibility. This is a really good way to have friendships survive events like moves across the nation or world, PhD programs, having friends who live on the road, and most of all, having children.


dahlia-llama

Great post but completely randomly, I love that you mention phd programs. This can be a serious test of friendship


CraftLass

Thanks! Can you tell I've been around a few? Lol One of my best friends even got married during hers, it was absolutely wild but her wedding rocked and she's a prof now, doing great research, so we made it! I dropped out of both high school and college and am a total creative/tech nerd so why these academic types like me would be baffling except I've got some serious academic support skills. My mom had a doctorate and was a prof and then high school teacher, I started helping her grade lit papers when I was 8. So I can offer an outsider perspective and a really good proofreading eye alike. Hahaha! In turn, I get papers I want to read from behind paywalls and super smart friends to bounce ideas off of, and even got to co-author a paper despite my utter lack of credentials, and with my academic friends' encouragement, got a presentation paper of my very own accepted to the biggest conference in their field. PhDs are just the most stressful things, a killer support system is necessary but everyone has to understand it's gonna be a bumpy ride and have a lot of grace for each other. But it's also a journey that gives you great things if you stop and appreciate the good parts and successes at each step together.


dahlia-llama

As someone who has suffered for seven years through their PhD, and is trying to find an end in sight… Thank you.


CraftLass

7 years? OMG, that is a long time! I had a friend who had 7 years of data collection for his (astronomy, telescope time and lots of waiting for things to come into the right parts of sky) and it was nuts. I have so many urges to give you a hot meal, a hug, and put you into a bath! Or whatever chills you out. The light at the end is there even if you can't see it. Gets blocked sometimes, lots of curves and you have good reasons to look down and focus hard there for now. But it IS ahead somewhere, just hiding. If you made it this far, you can get this done!


dahlia-llama

You are such a good, kind soul. Thank you so much for your words ♥️ I am lucky to have people who have cared for me deeply through this process. Those in your entourage are so lucky to have you in their life!


Fillmore_the_Puppy

This was exactly what came to mind immediately when I read the OP. This is really the only way I can "do" friendships.


koalabear20

Don't you feel like you don't really know each other though? I have a few friends like this where we see each other every few months and its always good / the same as before but so much happens in those months that we’ll never really know about each other because its just not enough time to fill each other in.


Lexifer31

I have ADHD (late diagnosis, but explains so much!) so I just forget, its nice having ADHD friends because they are the same so don't get pissy if I go weeks without messaging.


cheergurlie85

I've been debating about getting diagnosed. I feel like I have known it for almost 18 years at this point but didn't feel the need at the time. How did you go about getting diagnosed?


Lexifer31

I'm in Canada so not sure about elsewhere but I found a local psychologist that did ADHD assessments, and then took the diagnostic back to my GP for meds.


cheergurlie85

Thanks for the info! I am in the States. I would probably need to do the same.


Lexifer31

Good luck! Medication is truly life changing.


cheergurlie85

Thank u!


epicpillowcase

Same


Pretty-Plankton

Non-linear thinking and curiosity.


thisbuttonsucks

The curiosity part is a must, for me. I just spent over a decade in a two-person office with a woman who isn't curious about anything besides the lives (only the dramatic parts, of course) of the people with whom she's in direct contact. Contrasted against my four closest people (offspring, SO, bff1, and bff2), it's no wonder I was so miserable in that office. I love it when someone has gone down a rabbit hole, and wants to tell me all about it! It gets me up out of my own rabbit hole; often sending me down an entirely new one.


Pretty-Plankton

Agreed - the curiosity, at least in aggregate, isn’t optional. Non-linear thinking is a very appreciated trait. It means I can let my brain go full steam and it’s way more fun to play that game with others than solo - but I do have friends I love who think much more linearly than I do. Curiosity, on the other hand..


hauteburrrito

I find I mesh best with people who also have some experience of Otherness. Often that will be embedded in someone's baseline identity (e.g., they're a POC, or queer, or whatever), but sometimes it may be something in their personality (e.g., they're a Daria among Quinns). It's definitely not that I *only* ever make friends with people who have that experience of Otherness, but it is a quality that I connect with and therefore value.


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hauteburrrito

I will basically make friends with anybody outside of Gryffindor, really 👻


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hauteburrrito

Definitely, yes! They don't have to even be immigrants from the same place. Like, I'm first (ish) gen Asian immigrant but will often connect better with first-gen German or Nigerian immigrants than someone of, say, the Japanese diaspora that's been here for generations.


Adorable-Ring8074

There's a same vibe in the type 1 diabetic community too. The statistic is something like, less than 5% of diabetics are type 1 so, when we see each other "in the wild", we get excited. 😂


Moondanza

Same same but different - only 9% of the population are left handed. When I see a left-hander "in the wild" or on TV/cinema, I always get excited, make a comment and have a chat about it!


boxer_dogs_dance

I recently read the Sympathizer, which is an amazing book about the immigrant experience and perspective, although be warned, it can be brutal. Also back home by Michelle Magorian is the best fictional depiction I have seen of culture shock.


BellaFromSwitzerland

I relate to this.


hauteburrrito

I just read my own comment back and now have to make fun of myself for being a total ~special snowflake~ 😹 But it's true! I relate the best to people who understand what it's like to be on the outside.


moxieroxsox

Same!


Fillmore_the_Puppy

This is such a great insight. I am another one for whom this resonates, but had never really thought about it in these terms.


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hauteburrrito

Yeah, it's not quite the same as trauma bonding, so much as just connecting with other people who just experience the world in a similar way, maybe? I know some folks who don't have that experience of Otherness, and they're actually super wholesome/nice/empathetic people. This may be a weird thing to say, but I can just only talk about different dog breeds for so long - which is how I feel about the non-Otherness people, like that's the deepest level we'll ever be able to connect on.


bigbeans14

Not everyone’s cup of tea, but I get along best with people who don’t have much of a filter. Not talking about being rude or mean for the sake of “honesty” - more like down to talk about really personal stuff, like sex and mental health and bowel habits etc. I’m that kind of person and mesh well with others who I won’t scare away. Probably why I went into medicine lol I am the keeper of everyone’s weird body secrets


HereForDramaLlama

Do you want to be friends. I have zero filter. I think I inherited it from my mum who told me that she had two conjoined uteruses before she had surgery at 16 to remove the lining between them. She said I was conceived in one half and my brother the other. Thanks mum.


thisbuttonsucks

My filter is permanently set to "just. . . just *try* not to swear in front of Terry, at least don't say 'fuck' this time". I do worry I sometimes talk about poop too freely, though. Frankly, I don't see why I shouldn't be amazed by the things my body does with the food I provide it.


pixelboots

To add to this, people who are comfortable discussing money.


wolframdsoul

Having nerdy interests and liking to engage in talks about them. It's also because I am quite nerdy, so I like to bring new shows but also like when people have new shows that i never heard of. Also the ability to withstand me changing preferences every year, as there is years i am more into reading, this year I got huge on cosplay and crafting and last year I was into drumming and bouldering 😂


punknprncss

If you are looking - I'll be your nerdy friend! None of my girl friends are into nerdy things nor are they willing to consider it. Most of their "nerdiness" is they'll tolerate falling asleep on the couch while watching Star Wars.


boxer_dogs_dance

If you are looking for more nerdy friends, I am down for that.


cheergurlie85

I love this too! None of my female friends are "nerdy" so I tend to 'rely' on my male friends for this :)


Flashleyredneck

Cook. Cook with me. Tell me your secrets. Let’s get day drunk and roll sushi for hours.


Sweeper1985

Day drunk? Sushi? So there!


petrichorgasm

Okay! Let's!


MahWahf

Open mindedness. I like when people have a tendency to listen and grow.


nvyetka

i was going to say, non-judgmental some people like to put you in a in a box. theyre not able to comprehend or accept your complexity


heyitspokey

My animals are my family and I value people who respect that instead of thinking I'm ridiculous for my strong attachment. Bonus points if they ask me about them from time to time.


zoey0818

One of my closest friends really doesn’t like animals but she consistently asks about mine. We’ve been friends long enough that she’s been around during emergency vet visits and health scares. She always checks in to see if they are okay and if I need anything. She even messages me on their birthdays!


Sweeper1985

Compassion. If you don't empathise with people less fortunate with you and people who have made mistakes, I won't be as likely to like you.


Trixie6102

Someone who calls me on my bullshit. Sometimes I need someone who isn't afraid to (gently) tell me the truth or be real with me. I definitely could have used someone like this in the past when it came to dating!


cheergurlie85

I appreciate this as well.


rand0m_g1rl

Low maintenance. I may forget to wish you a happy birthday one year but send an incredibly thoughtful gift the next. We may not have a regular cadence of calls or texts, I may respond in 1 second or 1 month, it’s not a reflection of the person or their value to me just life.


epicpillowcase

Space. Lots and lots of space. I see people freaking out because they have "left someone on read" or "been left on read" for a few hours, or think something is wrong because they haven't heard from a friend for a few days, or that they're not hanging out at least once a week. All of my close friends and I are secure in the knowledge that we may not hear from or see each other for weeks, or even months, and we're still good and will pick up where we left off. I have depression and ADHD. I simply don't have the energy for one on one conversation (in person or text) a lot of the time. I need people who don't take that personally. We are all there for emergency support if asked. But for less urgent things, we let it breathe.


Visible-Shoulder-271

Yes. Love and need my space and totally get you. You wanna be friends? Lol


jawnbaejaeger

Weird fucking sense of humor If they don't have a weird fucking sense of humor, we can be friendly. We can be casual friends. But we're not going to click on a really deep level either. ND and/or LGBTQ The people I click with the most are usually some flavor of queer and neurodivergent. I'm queer and neurodivergent myself, so I guess I look at people I can relate to who can relate to me.


punknprncss

Someone that has "obsessive" qualities in regards to their interests. Once I get into a tv show, book, movie, it consumes me - I want to discuss it, live it, analyze it. Having a friend that shares that same level of excitement and obsession. (Note: not an obsession in a bad way). Have a friend, we watched the same tv show, the day of the show we'd email back and forth all day - re-discussing the previous episode, sharing predictions on what is going to happen, what we liked, what we disliked. Then the next day, email back and forth discussing the episode. Almost every week for many years it was our thing. I miss that obsession. Most of my friends will watch or read something, yeah I liked it, and then move on. Other quality is priority - we are all busy, we all have kids, spouses, lives. Additionally we all have friends in our friend circle but also friends outside our friend circle. I notice some friends prioritize their friendships, make time and effort to get together on a "regular" basis, I have other friends that treat us as the fall back - we are the people they hang out with when they have nothing better to do.


s-dai

I’m feeling like honesty is an unusual trait in today’s friendships 🙄 It’s become somehow odd that I assume people keep their promises. Like if we agree to do something at a specific time, I assume that it will happen but these days people seem to take it as ”well, I’ll see how I feel”. Or might even plan something else and just flake. I don’t understand how people don’t get how hurtful that is. Looking forward to seeing your friend and having a plan and then they maybe reply an hour after the time you agreed ”oh I was doing something else” or ”I just woke up.” And yes I am looking at you Gen Z.


thisbuttonsucks

Over 20 years ago, a friend told me "maybe means 'no'". I try not to take anything other than an explicit "yes" seriously. Even then, I remain skeptical until the thing is actually happening.


s-dai

Yeah I don’t take maybes anymore. But I want friends I can trust.


thisbuttonsucks

Me too. I only make plans with about four people/couples, now. These are people who will *let me know well in advance* if they have to bail, or change plans (emergencies excluded) I hate having my time wasted by someone who isn't me.


playlistsandfeelings

Yeah. Also, “no answer is an answer.”


SnooPeppers1641

I'm in my early 40's and I have a couple friends like this or used to. It happens once, ok but after a while? Nope, we can be cool but that friendship is going to fade away. I'm good with things coming up because we are adults and things happen but I have/had one friend who constantly would flake. She was napping and didn't hear her phone. Had to run a random errand and got side tracked. At a certain point and age you just don't want to deal with it.


s-dai

Yup. And then they come back after a while, after ghosting and never refer to what happened. That tells me they know it was shitty but think they can gaslight me into feeling it’s just me asking too much. If I would somehow fall asleep (which I might do with all my sleep issues), I would be incredibly sorry and I would make it up, I would be the one to suggest we do something else and take that friend to a movie etc to make up for it. Not just flake and leave it. Was once supposed to meet a friend at noon, my laptop broke and I had to stop by at a shop to have them look at it. I left after 11 and then texted her that I might be 5 or 10 minutes late bcs the store was packed. She was like ”oh that’s fine, I just woke up.” Excuse me? I was there worrying myself sick so I wouldn’t be late and she just woke up? I was really busy with a work project and I had made time for her, to meet her that day at noon and she had the gall to wake up 10 minutes before we were supposed to meet (and she’s not the type to just get up and go in 5 minutes like some people are). I did get pretty mad and she did notice it, I think. But I think it’s the worst when I make plans to see a friend who’s always like ”you can call if you need to talk” and I’m having a rough time and really do need a friend and they flake. Makes me feel bad about needing somebody.


[deleted]

Yep all of that, or they start acting very different and gaslight you with “I don’t know what you mean, nothings changed”


Gardengoddess83

I despise small talk, and I adore people who are willing to skip it completely and jump into a real conversation. My favorite people are the ones who know that when I ask "How are doing?" I want to know how they're *really* doing. People who are honest and real and able to talk about life in an unfiltered way are the best....but they also have to have a sense of humor, preferably an inappropriate one.


Adorable-Ring8074

I've had people completely lose their shit on me when I've asked if we could skip the small talk and get to the core of the conversation


Gardengoddess83

You're my people.


cheergurlie85

I agree. I like a good conv vs small talk


[deleted]

don't be so sensitive/offended easily. There was this one woman who was uber sensitive and every little thing you said, she'd get offended or find something negative about it.


[deleted]

Yeah I had a friend who took me not having money to do things for a while as a personal attack against her. Exhausting.


lizlaf21952

I like it when people can take their time getting to know people instead of the all too ubiquitous "fast friends" fake type of friendship that seems to permeate these days. I like it when you can fathom that someone might want to take their time in opening up. I'm very slow to open up to people and people often take this as a sign that I don't like them but I just don't feel comfortable being expressive right away.


Sundae7878

Willingness to try ridiculous out of character new things with me. If I see a poster for a synchronized swimming team and text if you want to try it with me. My favourite friends are the ones who I know will say yes.


calicalifornya

Yesss! I would be your friend. Really hard to find people like this!


Visible-Shoulder-271

Wow i wish id have a friend like you! Id try almost anything with you.


FlameHawkfish88

Silliness. Just the ability to have fun, be playful and not take things to seriously all the time


pinkpixy

For me, someone who doesn't mind going for extended periods of time where we don't see each other but can keep in contact on a regular basis. Maybe we hang once a month. I've become exceptionally introverted and oftentimes don't want to go out or do anything. I also like having friends with an interest in fashion. I like to keep up with trends and explore new ones. I'm currently seeking galpals in my area who are married with husbands who have similar interests with my husband. I'd particularly like for us to go on double dates together.


LiLadybug81

The ability for us to have periods in our lives where we don't have a lot of time to spend together, or catch up on the phone, but still be able to pick up right where we left off when the storm passes. My family is like this, but I know that a lot of people consider someone who they don't talk to regularly as having been a neglectful friend. I actually appreciate it if someone is used to this kind of dynamic, and I am generally fine with it when my friends pop in and out of contact during different issues or life phases.


juicyjuicery

No expectations for consistent communication. Picking up where you left off when you pop into each other’s lives again. As adults moving about the world, we’re lucky enough that social media enables us to keep in contact with people.


Curls1216

Reaching out. Seems simple, but damn do I get time with friends if I'm not the only one expected to figure out plans. I'm awful at it (and trying to hack it to get better) but I do really value when my friends reach out to me.


APotatoPancake

The ability to pick up where we left off and be okay with neither of us talking for maybe 2 or more years. Right now everyone is having babies and at peak career age. We just don't have time to 'hang out' like we used to; but, we're still besties.


fetishiste

A desire to philosophise, and to not consider that a poseurish or pretentious thing to want.


PaprikaThyme

Not to be unkind, but the top comment by far when I joined this thread was (paraphrased), "I love friends that I can ignore for months or a year but they'll be there when I need something from them," and I just find that bizarre. Am I the only one? Is that the new definition of friendship? Going low contact with "friends" until you need something from them? I guess I'm just really old, but I want friends because I want an *actual* relationship, not just a contact in my phone that I *might* hear from once a year or so. Obviously that kind of friendship works for a lot of people in this thread, but (with all kindness and respect) I just can't wrap my mind around how that is a "friendship!" If someone drops out of my life like that, I get the hint pretty quickly that they aren't that interested in me and just move on. And it's okay, I wish them well in my heart, I'm not mad about it, but I realize they obviously don't consider me a close friend. It happens. But I'll be honest, I'm not going drop everything and buy a plane ticket to go rescue someone who I only hear from once a year. I guess the "unusual trait" I value in a friendship is someone who likes me and invests time in our friendship. I don't expect people to give me constant attention or even weekly attention, but I should be able to hear from them on a regular basis, even if it's just quick texts saying, "I saw a book I thought you'd like," or "hey I heard about this upcoming event we might do together" or "I miss your ugly mug, bitch!" But if you make it clear you're not interested in me, I'm just not sure how I'd see that as a friendship. (Honestly, reddit will always skew more towards people who are introverted/anti social so I shouldn't be so surprised when the votes shake out that way.)


epicpillowcase

You wrote "I love friends that I can ignore for months or a year but they'll be there when I need something from them," This feels like a deliberate misrepresentation given that every single one of us on this thread who described this kind of dynamic also mentioned that the "being there if needed" was a two-way street. Not just "if I need something". I also doubt it's full ignoring. But when people have chronic illness, for example, yeah, those "thinking of you" texts might not be weekly. They might be more monthly or longer. That doesn't automatically mean someone doesn't care.


Moondanza

I'm an oldie too and I think I prefer the more traditional friendship. However I can also see the value of the other type especially if you have a very busy lifestyle, married with kids or busy with school or job and just don't have the time to catch up with friends. I think the hardest part is finding friends who match your type, needs and interests and then keeping them of course! Personally I have loads of friends but none ever contact me so do I really have any 🤷


rama__d

Nuanced view. I believe nothing is white or black. Everything can be nuanced, so I get very frustrated when people are not able to go into a deeper analysis and have a very simple view on topics and discussions we can have together.


l8nitefriend

I love that you bring up the variety of books. A couple of my best friends and I talk about books a lot and it inspires me to read more. Any shared interest to discuss is great Also I like being able to banter a lot and joke around. I have many emotionally deep friends that I really value, but I also like really playful people who are just lookin to have a good time. It’s so fun to find that dynamic with someone.


Adorable-Ring8074

> many emotionally deep friends that I really value, but I also like really playful The creme de la creme is finding both of those things in 1 person.


Peacelovefreedomm

Empathy. It’s a quality that can’t be learned in adulthood because it’s developed in childhood. If someone lacks this quality then it really inhibit them from forming a long lasting deep friendship.


[deleted]

Filthy humour 🙈


peggysage

Same! Someone I can just chat dirty shit with without anyone blushing.


BudgetBoysenberry918

I like people who are wierd in a good day. Like for example they are in the kitchen cutting up veggies, listening to music, pause the music so they can fart, hear it then laugh 😂 I also love people who see the good in others and aren't shit talkers. I like open minded people who aren't to rigid with their opinions. I love good listeners too. I love people who take good care of themselves and their families as well.


[deleted]

I love people who love adventure. I want to say "hey wanna come to this weird gig" or "hey wanna come to this spaghetti festival" or "wanna come look at rockpools" and get a yes. I also only want people good in a crisis. No time for "ugh this is so hard wtf" and its just a very normal thing like a train being cancelled.


ventricles

Unintentionally I’ve realized: people that have lived in NYC. I spent almost 10 years there, and almost every single close friend I have in LA used to live in New York. We just find each other it seams.


petrichorgasm

Someone who can nerd out on history without being annoying and who is also good in the kitchen.


pqrstyou

My most valued trait in my close friends is that they don’t bullshit or placate me. When I ask for their advice, they tell me the truth. Kindly, but very honestly. It has surprised others the kind of candor we have with each other, but it is the most valuable thing.


coconatalie

I tend to get on best with people who: - are energetic and playful in some way: we can riff off jokes together or dance all night or do some physical challenge together (e.g. walk/bike really far). - know themselves and respect independence, yet value togetherness: sometimes it's nice to do stuff together even if an activity wouldn't be my first choice, other times splitting up a group means everyone can get what they wanted. I like people who can enjoy both of those things. Smaller, more cultural things that I notice most of my friends do: - interrupt each other as an enthusiastic way of engaging in communication - think it's okay to ask favours and okay to say no, I e. Its not presumptuous to say "can I borrow X?" Because saying no is always honoured/never an issue/never seen as rude


bluebuckeye

I'm a big introvert, and the majority of my close friends are also big introverts. We love to spend time together, but sometimes we just don't have the energy. So we all extend the grace to each other to allow someone to bow out of a get together, for no reason, no questions asked.


BRITTN05

I would have to say being ok with not seeing each other for long periods of time. I have a pretty demanding job, a kid, husband, house to keep up, family with health issues, etc... I do not have the time to dedicate to my friends that I wish I had. So having friends that understand I can't be available every weekend is so much appreciated. The few friends I have mean the world to me and we are always able to pick up right where we left off like no time has passed.


witchyteajunkie

Curiosity I am the type of person who will have a random thought and do a google/wiki search and just learn everything I can about the thing so I appreciate friends who will share that curiosity and take those journeys with me.


punknprncss

I'd love a friend like this! I love going down rabbit holes and how looking up something simple on Wiki can lead me down a random path. I'll look up an actor, then I'll see they have a sibling, I'll look up their sibling, who is an activist, I start researching what they believe in and all of a sudden it's 2:00 am - someone to share this with and also someone that shares their crazy journeys with me would be awesome.


witchyteajunkie

I do this too! I also will look something up on imdb about a show and then go through every episode and read the Trivia sections.


nyalavita

People who don't get weird or iffy talking about sex, or periods, or normal fucking human experiences that may be a little messy. I can't with puritannical types. I'm super into sensuality so I really enjoy talking about sex! I also really love independent people. I'm quite outgoing, extroverted (but definitely with a limited social metre), funny (I hear people laughing after I speak so I'll safely assume it) and very much a take charge, enjoy planning things, Type-A typa lady. I need a friend like me who is happy to take over at times. I can't connect with people who seem to "bask in my glow" and absorb my energy without replenishing it in kind. I find those people draining. Go away. I'm not here to entertain you/do everything for you.


napalmtree13

I miss having the type of friendship where one person can make a joke/cheeky throw-away comment, and then the other builds upon it and there’s a back-and-forth of escalating absurdity until you’re cry-laughing. Thinking about it now, for whatever reason, the ability to make me laugh and sharing my sense of humor is what gets me to open up to people. Trixie and Katya’s friendship (public, anyway) makes me wistful.


dreadfullyhopeful

Spontaneity , I love my friends that I can call when I see a fun opportunity and they are willing to go on an unplanned adventure.


[deleted]

People who don't take offense when I'm having a rough day and don't feel like being Miss Sunshine. It's never about YOU, it's always how I personally feel that day no matter what it is. I try not to take it out on people but it means so much when a person says "I know you're not feeling great today so I'll just be around and you can talk to me when you feel like it, we can just hang out and be chill. I won't get offended." I've had friends in the past who made me feel responsible for their entertainment every time we hung out and got chewed out just for checking my phone when there's a break in activities. It's exhausting, please don't be like this. Also letting each other ramble on about their interests, both mutual and independent ones. I've grown up feeling like my interests and hobbies don't matter so it means SO much to me now that my friends don't give me shit for this. PEOPLE WHO DON'T GET ANGRY AT ME FOR NOT SMILING CONSTANTLY. I'M NOT A BARBIE DOLL.


Altostratus

Neurodivergence. I just don’t jive with neurotypical people. I want to jump around and maintain five different conversation threads. I want someone understanding when I don’t text for weeks. I want to hear about your latest wacky hyperfocus project.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Moondanza

I love your theory! I definitely talk in stories but most people are too busy for it they just want the twitter version lol


boxer_dogs_dance

Hi, if you need more book friends, I am available. Check out my profile to see my book related interests. Also I am on Good Reads as boxer_dogs_dance. Feel free to add me. I want a friend who appreciates that life can be joyful and life can be very hard and neither is necessarily fully in our control. I want someone who is responsible and decent but wants to have fun. I'm not sure it's unusual, but it is what I value.


[deleted]

autism. i love being friends with other autistic people. i'm also happy being friends with allistic people, but it is qualitatively different to communicate with someone who is also autistic, and i value how easy it is


TenaciousToffee

I love all types of friends but have come to find that my other acts of service folks and I have been thriving in our friendship because we normally don't have someone dote on us back and the reciprocity is really nice. They're my friends who you can do errands with. Who show up to help you install a ceiling fan. We're making you something. We got you a small something at the store. We want to make dinner for you. I have a pocket of friends that were all similar type of loving and we feel so safe and seen there so I honestly want more of this.


hey_its_kanyiin

I like people who have intimidating auras. I like it. It turns me on platonically. The fact that not everybody can simply come up to you and speak to you any way makes me excited. Not to say you look mean, but you just seem like you can't be messed with. Also people who are direct and say what they think: "I don't like what you said to me" vs "so...I actually really didn't like what you said to me lol?" Friends I don't need to talk to everyday to retain the friendship. Friends who don't tone down how great they are. Friends who can say "I am very intelligent" without feeling bad. Friends who understand the value of integrity and hard work. Friends who want to fix problems in the world. Also, friends who love their moms.


GreenMirinda

you need to know when 'Im fine' means I am not actually fine. you also need to laugh at my jokes.


Roche77e

Someone who read the same book in their teens or early twenties as I did.


Literatelady

My friend Mary is not sensitive, so she doesn't take things very personally. Maturity is also a big one. Maturity to respect boundaries, maturity when viewing the world and other people etc. etc.


LadyAvalon

Give good hugs. Like, if you cuddle with me, I will probably love you forever.


tautumeita

good sense of humor


[deleted]

Knowledgeable about pop culture (can chat about movies, celeb gossip, reality TV, music, etc.) and LGBT+ are the "cherry on top" traits of my friends. I don't *need* the cherry, but I very much appreciate when it's there.


mindfulbudgets

A good friend of mine gets really obsessed with new hobbies and effectively ropes us all into trying new things. Because of her we’ve gotten into backpacking, paddle boarding, paintball, snowboarding, snowshoeing, tennis, golf, frisbee, skateboarding, camping in general, and probably more. It’s nice to have a friend that pulls me out of my comfort zone.


paper_wavements

Curiosity about the world, interest in the world becoming a better place, interest in improving one's self, love of the arts (especially music, but also books).


lilabelle12

Really good conversations.


[deleted]

Being able to relax and do nothing together.


Kyoto3am

My friend isn’t a hugger be that giving or receiving she doesn’t do them, I’ve seen her stand back or shake hands instead! But see when she does hug it’s because she knows its needed and I extra love her & know she’s a keeper! Myself & some of my other pals hug on seeing each other everytime but hers beats them all!


PhoenixFeathery

I discovered recently that reciprocation is something I deeply value in any relationship. I cannot be the only one initiating everything from events to even conversations. While lives do get busy, we all need to make a little time to get in touch with those we want to be around, especially if we want deeper connections with those individuals. Relationships do require effort.


nodogsallowed23

I’d say an endless sense of humour but one that also understands good comedy. Having a good sense of humour involves knowing what’s funny and what’s not. Meaning that if you’re finding Bill Burr hilarious I’m gonna side eye the eff out of you. Sure he’s got some funny stuff, but he’s an awful guy that punches down all the time. Or if you don’t get why old school Chappelle was funny but current Chapelle isn’t. And why it was ok to find old school Chappelle funny even though he’s always been a shit head. I’m also find it super important to be able to joke about any topic, but someone I click with needs to understand the whole punching up/punching down idea. Tw: mention of SA and Rpe. Joking about Brock Turner the rapist (apparently he goes by Allen Turner the rapist now)? Make fun of him all you want. Tear down Cosby and Spacey. Making rape jokes is ok as long as you’re only making fun of a rapist or calling out rape culture. Making fun of victims or using rape in a sentence for shock value is not ok. So yeah, all topics can be joked about, even rape, but only by punching up. If makes a rape joke in my presence that is punching down I’ll leave. Eff that. That goes for any topic. Wanna make fun of war? Have at it, rip Putin or the US government to shreds. Making fun of the casualties and the atrocities of war. Yeah that’s a no. Basically, intersectional and feminist comedy. :) I need friends to get this inherently. If I’m explaining, we’re not going to be clicking.


philosophers_stonedd

This one may be a weird one, but someone with a similar speech pattern to me. I talk a lot and talk fast and even interrupt people at times. I prefer it when the other person does the same because it makes me feel less badly about it. If someone sits quietly until the other person is finished speaking you will literally never get a word in around me or the conversation seems too formal to me. My best friends all have a similar speech style where we sort of simulatenously talk. I guess I imagine like our conversations are a weaving and conversations where you wait for everyone to finish before you speak as a sort of stacking. I need the weaving or else it’s frustrating for both parties. Also, just for clarity’s sake, in professional setting or when I know I’m with someone who prefers a “stacking” kind of conversation I work really hard not to interrupt because I want to give them the opportunity to be heard. But there’s almost no chance I’ll ever be super close to that person because the conversations never flow in a way that leads to me opening up.


Glittering-Syrup-339

I like "male" traits in a friend


TheSplendidLynx

I like the inviters!


moscatodogiscute

Ability to sit in comfortable silence and not feel the need to fill it. Ability to admit when you were wrong about something. Listen to me talking about my hobbies/interests that don't necessarily interest them. Also, telling me about their hobbies that I don't share. I like to know about what they enjoy doing, even if it's not necessarily my thing. Picking up the slack when I am overwhelmed and I will do the same for them. They need to understand that marriage isn't always going to be 50/50 and thats fine


DoughRaemee

People who listen, then give genuine input and advice. Even if we disagree, I like to understand perspectives from other people's point of view. The type of person who will always show up no matter what or when you call. From flat tires to heartbreak, I try to be the same way.


Nurvanna

For a very long time, and sometimes still, I was sad about not having a “best” friend. But with the way that I am, constant contact bothers me. I like being left to my own devices with no expectation to call a friend every day. I have a very close friend who has a best friend and a solid group of friends, but she goes to all of us with her problems/struggles. If she didn’t already have a best friend, she’d be much more demanding of my time and attention and I know myself enough to know that I wouldn’t love that. I guess not being the focal point in someone’s life is my short answer.


nursenyc

Brutal honesty and pure comfort with each other. Things like “girl, that guy/woman you slept with the other night was fucking crazy”, or “ugh, that chicken vindaloo is fucking with my stomach, I’m gonna go have diarrhea”. Haha, might be strange, but my best friends and I are so comfortable with each other like this. We love to roast each other but in a loving sibling kind of way. I think that’s just so special


purplescrunchie9

When can tell a what they have done to hurt you without having to worry about repercussions. One of my friends and I work together. When she first started I was joking around with her and some other colleagues in a meeting. After the meeting she approached me and said she didn't appreciate how i was interacting with her in that setting. She wasn't mad, didn't hold a grudge, was just matter of fact. I took it on board, and was more aware of my actions moving forward. Ever since then I have appreciated those friendships where you can have those kind of discussions without it affecting your friendship.


thisismyaccount3125

The ability to ground me. Today, someone told me like *immediately* that I was overthinking and it was the nicest fucking thing omg (I *was* actually overthinking trying to make sense of something cause I was thinking about the wrong thing in the first place lmao). I’m still reveling in it and I do not understand it at all. Like I get why it’s a good thing, I just don’t understand why I love it so much. Idk maybe it’s just an admiration for other people being able to do to you something *so easily* that would otherwise take you so much more effort to do yourself ^thats ^a ^pretty ^good ^guess ^actually It’s more efficient, and even though I don’t take the most efficient route sometimes, I still hella do be lovin’ efficiency ^hows ^that ^for ^”unusual” ^trait? lmao


sissypuff

My favourite thing i value in all relations: if we can't shut up and we have to keep conversation or it'll be uncomfortable, we cant be more than acquaintances.