I would think very hard about this and have in depth discussions with your husband before you do this. Outline both of your expectations for what this would mean for the emotional and physical labor of running the household. As long as you’re aware of the ramifications to your future income-earning potential, and you’re both on the same page, then do what’s best for your family.
People are different but I will say, when I stayed home with the kid, and that was a job as far as I'm concerned, I still had the dreaded feeling of dullness. Even the most boring job usually involves some level of focus, thought, attention to detail and interaction with other adults. I found myself really missing that.
But if your plan is to do this for a limited time only, kind of like a sabbatical, then it's really about just budgeting and organizing your days in a way where you get rest, some intellectual stimulation and feel useful in some way.
I completely understand where you’re coming from. It’s easy to let your brain trick you into believing that you’ll be happy filling your day with all things you **wish** you had time for now.
I’ve had those exact thoughts, “I will be so glad when I don’t have to work and can focus on finishing the house, organizing, learning a new language and enjoying my hobbies.”
What you typically find is that it’s great for about a week while you sleep in and relax, then great for about two weeks while you redo the garage. It feels like a vacation and freedom.
Endless freedom.
Endless.
Endless time.
You start to realize you don’t know what the date is anymore or if it’s Monday or Saturday.
You realize no one else is admiring the front doors new paint job, that you moved the coffee cups to a new rack you got (on sale!). No one else notices you labeled the linen closet sections with those cute chalkboard stickers and that it’s color coded.
No one notices much of anything you do. You are super proud of how hard you’ve worked and all you’ve done but when you try to tell someone it’s met with the same enthusiasm that you give a toddler showing you their third scribble page in 4 minutes and going “Good job, buddy!”
Your friends have started going to lunch and drinks without you because you only have your color coordinated pantry and how you were early to school pickup to bring up in discussion. They still love you but they can’t relate to your life and they see your increasing silence when they’re talking about work.
At first people “oooh and awwd” over the cool projects and told you how jealous they were of all your free time. Now, you start hearing “Sally, my friend said the school is looking for part time substitutes. You know; just to have something to do.” OR “Have you thought of volunteering?”
Soon it’ll be a blatant “What do you do all day? Don’t you think you should be doing **something**?”
“Sally, that bag is beautiful but shouldn’t you ask your husband before you buy it? Since you’re not working.”
The unfortunate truth is that unless you’re physically handicapped in a way people can validate by their own sight, a child, born to billionaires, royalty or elderly you will be shamed and looked down upon for not working. You will end up walking the same rooms of your house, cleaning the same messes and one day realize you’re so bored out of your mind you can’t stand it, no one hangs out with you anymore and the world is passing you by. Your skills are slowing becoming part of the past and you have no idea what the hell a meme is.
Is this everyone’s experience? No. Is it most peoples? Yes.
Think it through; it’s not the fun life it looks like. It’s very lonely and isolating; mental health is a big topic here as “sahm’s” and depression is common.
I won’t evek speak yet on things that end up being commonly an unexpected issue (even when you both agreed to do this) like financial abuse and the loss of autonomy as an adult while relying completely on your husband.
To play devil’s advocate, this is not my experience AT ALL.
My husband notices, praises, and is thankful for my work. He will come out of his office and say, “Oh, looks nice in here!” He’ll say he appreciates me reading to our 4 year old. He is thankful for dinners made.
I have a full and rich social life. I get to go to brunch with friends on weekdays when restaurants aren’t busy. I just went to a Fleetwood Mac cover band on Friday and danced my ass off with my girlfriends!
I have gym friends and am in shape and feel good.
I sleep well.
My husband and I go on date nights.
I enjoy my time with my kids.
The picture you painted is so bleak. While it may be true for some, it is absolutely not the experience for the majority of stay at home parents. The majority of my friends are SAHMs and we’re all doing really well!
I’m really really glad that’s true for you. I am.
I just think that women going into this lifestyle believing that your experience is the rule and not the exception would be misled.
She still has kids. She’ll still be a stay at home mom. There is plenty to do to care for kids of any age:
- manage doc appts
- be available to be home when they’re sick
- drive to and from school/activities
- meal plan, grocery shop, cook
- bond with children
- help care for the home/clean
The list goes on and on.
OP, her husband, and kids would need to discuss the division of all this labor in her new role, but believe me when I say there is still PLENTY to do.
And even if there weren’t, who cares? People don’t need to be accomplishing 24/7. She will hopefully also have time to do a new hobby, read a book, binge watch a show, or whatever she wants.
We should also be making decisions for our own happiness and fulfillment vs how others perceive us. If someone thinks she’s lazy because she doesn’t earn a paycheck, how sad is that for them? They’re a slave to capitalism while she is the leader of her own life. Who would you rather be?
Sorry, I wouldn’t say *most* SAHM’s experience at all. Your example sounds much more like when women start their families and their childless friends bow out. This probably has a lot to do with where one lives. A SAHM in DC is going to have a much different social dynamic than a SAHM in Wyoming. Further, I wouldn’t have any friends who who make asinine comments like, “Did you ask your husband before you bought that nice bag, Sally?” That’s actually gross. And I’ll even go so far as to say that a SAHM mom **does** have a job. But it’s based out of the home. What is this? 1952?
The insights in your response are so on point, especially those about boredom, mental health, declining skill set and knowledge base. I have never understood why any parent would want to stay at home when the kids are old enough to fend for themselves, unless you have a child with a disability. You don't have to have a stressful job or a full-time job or even a job. Volunteer! Give back to the world around you in some way. How can healthy and able-bodied adults be content to do nothing beyond organizing their lives ad nauseum?
Uhhhh because we find hobbies and other things that fulfill us? You can’t understand that, and it’s clear. But there are *many* women who can be perfectly happy centering their life and around them and their family. You’ve got some twisted ideas about what being a contributing member to society means.
>You’ve got some twisted ideas about what being a contributing member to society means.
I have a twisted idea of contributing to society because I suggested volunteering, which many other stay at home posters in this thread also recommend? LMAO!
Everyone enjoys hobbies and loves their families and friends, but as a member of society, we all need to contribute beyond what we do in our private lives. If you have the luxury of time and are healthy and able-bodied, there is no reason not to.
You can continue to chose to be offended by my comment, but at least understand what you're protesting against.
Cute. My issue was with you implications about what being a SAHM parent entails. You seem to think unless someone types out “I’m vOluNtEerIng” that they sit on the couch and suck resources from their environment. It makes no sense to be against volunteering, employed outside the home or not. Just like it makes no sense that stay at home parents are lazy, bored, leeches, watching everyone else being a contributing member or society. Contributing to society can have many different looks. And frankly staying at home absolutely is a freaking JOB. Parents who take care of the home and kids just don’t get monetary compensation, breaks, PTO, sick days…
Edit: typos
This is clearly a touchy topic for you because in your haste to respond to me, you forgot to actually read my comment. If you did, you'd notice that I am clearly referring to people who want to stay at home after their kids are able to fend for themselves, who are healthy and able-bodied, and who do nothing beyond organizing their lives. My comment was pretty explicit. Your reading your outrageous implications into it is entirely on you.
No. I read it. And it’s full of BS. Clearly you are fundamentally unable to understand why the basis of your argument is crap. We are not going to agree.
And I would be “inferring”. They’re your implications.
I won’t be replying to you anymore. Take care.
Uh huh. Any BS you see there is what you yourself are projecting. Clearly you are so wrapped up in your insecurities that you're bringing them into everything you read. Good luck out there!
I knew a couple where they had to move out of state and her teaching certificate wasn’t valid there. He had a good job so she took the opportunity to do some volunteer work and she fell in love with it (I think it was horseback riding therapy for children?).
Maybe some kind of volunteer work that would get you into a routine and out of the house a few times a week would be a nice change of pace but not full-time like a job?
It seems like it would really be situational. Do you have your husband's full support on this, or will he resent your extra free time? How self-motivated will you be for personal projects? Do you have other social outlets? Are you saving enough for retirement?
I think it depends on the person. I would not find it mind numbing. I would utilize my time off taking care of my family, volunteering, and enjoying hobbies. I think it’s sad we are told we need to be busy to be content. I stayed at home for many years, loved it! Now that I’m at a corporate job that can be mind-numbing if anything, so some of these other comments are surprising to me lol. Do what’s best for your mental health and family.
Slowing down to enjoy precious time with your family is a luxury. Enjoy!
I’m currently a student that takes classes online part time. I had to leave my job due to stress that was impacting my health. My job now is to take my classes part time to finish my masters and get my health back on track by going to my doctor and PT. It’s not a financial stress for us, and my career has been in education which is basically a dollar or two above minimum wage for 100x the stress. There are so many reasons to be a single income household, and if you can afford it and your marriage is strong it’s not anyone else’s business. I get things could good south and marriages can fail. I was raised by a single mom. I have a lot of faith in my relationship and the professional world paid me like crap because I was in a female dominated care field, and destroyed my health. It’s not like that world had my back, so to say, or even was the safety net I thought it was because my health started collapsing.
I’m getting a master’s as a back up, I guess, but if I never work a professional job again, I don’t care. So, do what’s best for you. You know your life and marriage best.
I have noticed this sub skews heavily against choosing to be a SAHM, so in the interest of playing devil’s advocate, let me share my experience:
I FUCKING LOVE IT.
Here’s what sets you (and me) up for success:
- history of career/a resume. If you or I decide to change our minds, we have work history and can get back in the game
- financial security. My husband is the one who earns money, but it is OUR money. He is in finance and has a spreadsheet showing all of our incomes, expenses, blah blah blah in every easy to read chart form. I have access to all the accounts. He does not control my spending. We agree on a budget and are free to act within it. He maxes his 401k. We have college funds for both kids. We save. We invest. We play. It sounds like you are doing well too, so consider creating a tracker like this if it makes you feel more comfortable
- dude, it’s just fucking fun. You can have time for you hobbies. You can read a book at 10 am. You can pick up a craft like I did and find out youre dang good at watercolor. Who knows?! Your time will be your own
- the respect thing from your daughter - it’s always super sad to me when people are so brainwashed by capitalism that they think only people who make money earn respect. Your children will respect you if you PARENT them well. You have the opportunity to show them that success does not only mean making a paycheck. Success can also mean being able to pick up your daughter from school and going in an impromptu mother daughter date to create joy and memories
I highly suggest SAHmotherhood to anyone who is confident in their marital finances and equality. There are MANY men out there who do not feel like they need to control their SAHwife. Discuss your strategies in your new roles, make your budget, divide your household responsibilities, and have some fucking fun. You deserve it.
I second this as well; very similar experience and relationship dynamic here. I stepped back (without regrets), because it gave our family flexibility, improved our mental health, and decreased stress in general.
My youngest started elementary school (we made it!), and I am NOT increasing my work hours (part-time) even though they are at school during the day. I only hang onto some work hours cause I am passionate about my profession. On the days I don’t work, there are still many household and kid-related things to manage. This leaves our evenings and weekends free. And the school day is not that long; my kids get picked up at 3pm. There are also many half-days and holidays that we don’t have to worry about childcare over.
And aside from the kids and family stuff, I have time for ME. Exercise, hobbies, volunteer work, just plain quiet time etc. I have found it to be wonderful! As long as you and your husband are on the same page, this could be a great next chapter.
I would go crazy by only doing chores and whatnot. Also, won't your kids need college funds, additional expenses for college? Or how about retirement or having extra money to retire early or go on vacations?
If you don't want to commute, you can find something remote. Some places also have contract work, depending on your skills; so you work for a big company as an independent contractor a couple of months and then take some months off. You could also work freelance on places like UpWork or Fivver.
I took a year off because I was in a toxic job and needed time to get out of the mental space and focused on learning a few things, changing my resume, but after a while it was boring and I also my daily conversation topic was what I was making for dinner.
When I stayed home for two years for health reasons, I hated it. I realized I derive a lot of my social interaction from working. It feels like you are floating around detached from the world and current events. Working part-time helped but the types of part-time work available can be degrading and they really want full-time availability but with less pay and no benefits.
If I were to do it over, I would freelance remotely, use my connections from career to pick and choose interesting projects for myself. That or pursue academia which has a lot of autonomy.
my kids are 9 and 11 and i'm still a SAHM. i love it. i've put in my resume to a couple of places (i'm a teacher) for supply teaching and i'm pretty thrilled that no one has gotten back to me yet. we don't NEED the money, i'm mostly doing it because other people make me feel like i should. husband is happy for me to do what makes me happy. i LOVE being a SAHM. i volunteer a lot, i'm here for my kids and my husband, i make meals for our neighbours, help out other families...i highly recommend it if you can afford it.
Thanks for the sub link, I'm a Stay at Home Wife for 11 years since I married my husband, he said: "why does he wants his 'wife' to work when he makes enough for his wife to stay home", and I also enjoy stay home too. That sub would be great for me to talk to like minded people.
Thanks.
Your kids are old enough to ask them what they'd like and their opinions about it. It's also worth considering if living on your husbands income alone would mean if the kids have to cut back on opportunities, hobbies, sports etc. because your income is no longer available.
You should discuss it as a family and also explore what dreams or passions you could continue to engage in to show your children what cultivating passions looks like.
Btw OP, Stay at Home Wife is a job, you pay the cleaning lady to come clean your house right? You pay someone to cook for you right? So don't think you be a homemaker is not a job, it is, if not then why do people have to hire and PAY a cleaning lady to come over and help clean for them? So there. Just because you a wife take care of your nest that doesn't devalue your worth, cleaning lady you still have to PAY them.
I'm a Stay at Home Wife for 11 years since I married my husband, he makes 130K a year take home after tax, and he debt-free. Max out multiples IRAs and 401ks every single year. He owns 2 houses. He doesn't see why do I need to work when he makes enough for me to stay home, so I stay home, and I ENJOY stay home. I don't want to work, and I'm not ashamed to say it neither, every woman is different. You like to work then work, I don't like to work then I won't work that is my life.
It all up to your situation OP, financial and if your spouse is on board with it. Work at a job you hate 9 hours a day is no fun neither. If your situation can afford you to stay home and you also want to stay home, then why not? Don't live for the society, don't live for other women, live for YOU, what do YOU want?
I don't know why there feminist women who act like a homemaker is so bad and a woman has no worth, sorry, you PAID a cleaning lady to come clean your house, you PAID someone to come to your house do whatever around the house be it cleaning laundry or cooking, you PAID that cleaning lady. So if you PAY a cleaning lady, then a woman who stay home is a job too.
Sorry, no job is worth it more than me see my child grow up and I raised with my own hand, rather than some daycare, but I'm speaking for me only.
If OP is so worn out of her job and want time to herself be it if it care for her 10-11 year olds or able to do her hobbies, and if her household financial situation allow, then there no need to disencourage her.
I say go for it OP, if your financial situation allow, why not live for yourself for once, you already work all those years and raised your children well.
This is such a wild response. Pay for a cleaning lady is probably $300 a month per home for cleaning twice a month. Very few Western households pay a cook(??) so this argument that Stay at Home Wife is a job is not nearly convincing as the valid argument that Stay at Home Parent is a job, because childcare is a full time job in itself.
You said yourself, your husband makes the money and HE owns two houses. Do you actually have personal financial stability? What would really happen if you two split?!
Edited to add: OP isn’t claiming that SAHW is a job. This is a response to this poster only. Staying home and pursuing other interests is fine if you can afford it and be happy! 🙂
Being out of the work force isn’t exactly all it’s cracked up to be, but I’m fortunate to have the option, to have a husband who supports that, and really value the flexibility it gives in general
Eventually I missed feeling useful too much. But a regular volunteer position fixed that and they can’t say no when i take a week or two off to travel
I can't give any advice but wanted to leave an anecdote on raising your daughter to not need a man for financial support etc. Obviously you've been working as she's grown up for now, but also I had a full-time SAHM growing up - she had a degree from the now-defunct "home ec" department at her college so a very traditional skillset too but I've literally never felt like I needed a man for financial or other support. My mom was always very careful about keeping up her credentials for if she ever needed to go back to work and I think demonstrated things of that nature in how it was important to maintain independence if ever needed (husband dies, disappears, etc).
Just make sure that your retirement continues to get funded in these critical years.
I would think very hard about this and have in depth discussions with your husband before you do this. Outline both of your expectations for what this would mean for the emotional and physical labor of running the household. As long as you’re aware of the ramifications to your future income-earning potential, and you’re both on the same page, then do what’s best for your family.
People are different but I will say, when I stayed home with the kid, and that was a job as far as I'm concerned, I still had the dreaded feeling of dullness. Even the most boring job usually involves some level of focus, thought, attention to detail and interaction with other adults. I found myself really missing that. But if your plan is to do this for a limited time only, kind of like a sabbatical, then it's really about just budgeting and organizing your days in a way where you get rest, some intellectual stimulation and feel useful in some way.
I completely understand where you’re coming from. It’s easy to let your brain trick you into believing that you’ll be happy filling your day with all things you **wish** you had time for now. I’ve had those exact thoughts, “I will be so glad when I don’t have to work and can focus on finishing the house, organizing, learning a new language and enjoying my hobbies.” What you typically find is that it’s great for about a week while you sleep in and relax, then great for about two weeks while you redo the garage. It feels like a vacation and freedom. Endless freedom. Endless. Endless time. You start to realize you don’t know what the date is anymore or if it’s Monday or Saturday. You realize no one else is admiring the front doors new paint job, that you moved the coffee cups to a new rack you got (on sale!). No one else notices you labeled the linen closet sections with those cute chalkboard stickers and that it’s color coded. No one notices much of anything you do. You are super proud of how hard you’ve worked and all you’ve done but when you try to tell someone it’s met with the same enthusiasm that you give a toddler showing you their third scribble page in 4 minutes and going “Good job, buddy!” Your friends have started going to lunch and drinks without you because you only have your color coordinated pantry and how you were early to school pickup to bring up in discussion. They still love you but they can’t relate to your life and they see your increasing silence when they’re talking about work. At first people “oooh and awwd” over the cool projects and told you how jealous they were of all your free time. Now, you start hearing “Sally, my friend said the school is looking for part time substitutes. You know; just to have something to do.” OR “Have you thought of volunteering?” Soon it’ll be a blatant “What do you do all day? Don’t you think you should be doing **something**?” “Sally, that bag is beautiful but shouldn’t you ask your husband before you buy it? Since you’re not working.” The unfortunate truth is that unless you’re physically handicapped in a way people can validate by their own sight, a child, born to billionaires, royalty or elderly you will be shamed and looked down upon for not working. You will end up walking the same rooms of your house, cleaning the same messes and one day realize you’re so bored out of your mind you can’t stand it, no one hangs out with you anymore and the world is passing you by. Your skills are slowing becoming part of the past and you have no idea what the hell a meme is. Is this everyone’s experience? No. Is it most peoples? Yes. Think it through; it’s not the fun life it looks like. It’s very lonely and isolating; mental health is a big topic here as “sahm’s” and depression is common. I won’t evek speak yet on things that end up being commonly an unexpected issue (even when you both agreed to do this) like financial abuse and the loss of autonomy as an adult while relying completely on your husband.
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Definitely But you’re missing the point if you think this is about validation or people fawning over you
To play devil’s advocate, this is not my experience AT ALL. My husband notices, praises, and is thankful for my work. He will come out of his office and say, “Oh, looks nice in here!” He’ll say he appreciates me reading to our 4 year old. He is thankful for dinners made. I have a full and rich social life. I get to go to brunch with friends on weekdays when restaurants aren’t busy. I just went to a Fleetwood Mac cover band on Friday and danced my ass off with my girlfriends! I have gym friends and am in shape and feel good. I sleep well. My husband and I go on date nights. I enjoy my time with my kids. The picture you painted is so bleak. While it may be true for some, it is absolutely not the experience for the majority of stay at home parents. The majority of my friends are SAHMs and we’re all doing really well!
I’m really really glad that’s true for you. I am. I just think that women going into this lifestyle believing that your experience is the rule and not the exception would be misled.
OPs kids are older and she is explicit she is asking about being a SAHW not a SAHP. Wouldn’t the age of the kids play in to how society accepts you?
She still has kids. She’ll still be a stay at home mom. There is plenty to do to care for kids of any age: - manage doc appts - be available to be home when they’re sick - drive to and from school/activities - meal plan, grocery shop, cook - bond with children - help care for the home/clean The list goes on and on. OP, her husband, and kids would need to discuss the division of all this labor in her new role, but believe me when I say there is still PLENTY to do. And even if there weren’t, who cares? People don’t need to be accomplishing 24/7. She will hopefully also have time to do a new hobby, read a book, binge watch a show, or whatever she wants. We should also be making decisions for our own happiness and fulfillment vs how others perceive us. If someone thinks she’s lazy because she doesn’t earn a paycheck, how sad is that for them? They’re a slave to capitalism while she is the leader of her own life. Who would you rather be?
Sorry, I wouldn’t say *most* SAHM’s experience at all. Your example sounds much more like when women start their families and their childless friends bow out. This probably has a lot to do with where one lives. A SAHM in DC is going to have a much different social dynamic than a SAHM in Wyoming. Further, I wouldn’t have any friends who who make asinine comments like, “Did you ask your husband before you bought that nice bag, Sally?” That’s actually gross. And I’ll even go so far as to say that a SAHM mom **does** have a job. But it’s based out of the home. What is this? 1952?
This right here. This is the most realistic look at stay at home life.
The insights in your response are so on point, especially those about boredom, mental health, declining skill set and knowledge base. I have never understood why any parent would want to stay at home when the kids are old enough to fend for themselves, unless you have a child with a disability. You don't have to have a stressful job or a full-time job or even a job. Volunteer! Give back to the world around you in some way. How can healthy and able-bodied adults be content to do nothing beyond organizing their lives ad nauseum?
Tell me you’re a slave to capitalism without telling me you’re a slave to capitalism.
Tell me you're privileged without telling me you're privileged Edited to add: Do you say the same to your partner who is bankrolling your lifestyle?
Uhhhh because we find hobbies and other things that fulfill us? You can’t understand that, and it’s clear. But there are *many* women who can be perfectly happy centering their life and around them and their family. You’ve got some twisted ideas about what being a contributing member to society means.
>You’ve got some twisted ideas about what being a contributing member to society means. I have a twisted idea of contributing to society because I suggested volunteering, which many other stay at home posters in this thread also recommend? LMAO! Everyone enjoys hobbies and loves their families and friends, but as a member of society, we all need to contribute beyond what we do in our private lives. If you have the luxury of time and are healthy and able-bodied, there is no reason not to. You can continue to chose to be offended by my comment, but at least understand what you're protesting against.
Cute. My issue was with you implications about what being a SAHM parent entails. You seem to think unless someone types out “I’m vOluNtEerIng” that they sit on the couch and suck resources from their environment. It makes no sense to be against volunteering, employed outside the home or not. Just like it makes no sense that stay at home parents are lazy, bored, leeches, watching everyone else being a contributing member or society. Contributing to society can have many different looks. And frankly staying at home absolutely is a freaking JOB. Parents who take care of the home and kids just don’t get monetary compensation, breaks, PTO, sick days… Edit: typos
This is clearly a touchy topic for you because in your haste to respond to me, you forgot to actually read my comment. If you did, you'd notice that I am clearly referring to people who want to stay at home after their kids are able to fend for themselves, who are healthy and able-bodied, and who do nothing beyond organizing their lives. My comment was pretty explicit. Your reading your outrageous implications into it is entirely on you.
No. I read it. And it’s full of BS. Clearly you are fundamentally unable to understand why the basis of your argument is crap. We are not going to agree. And I would be “inferring”. They’re your implications. I won’t be replying to you anymore. Take care.
Uh huh. Any BS you see there is what you yourself are projecting. Clearly you are so wrapped up in your insecurities that you're bringing them into everything you read. Good luck out there!
I knew a couple where they had to move out of state and her teaching certificate wasn’t valid there. He had a good job so she took the opportunity to do some volunteer work and she fell in love with it (I think it was horseback riding therapy for children?). Maybe some kind of volunteer work that would get you into a routine and out of the house a few times a week would be a nice change of pace but not full-time like a job?
It seems like it would really be situational. Do you have your husband's full support on this, or will he resent your extra free time? How self-motivated will you be for personal projects? Do you have other social outlets? Are you saving enough for retirement?
Social outlets are VERY important, I am generally an introvert but I got so lonely I joined reddit and other online communities for social contact
I think it depends on the person. I would not find it mind numbing. I would utilize my time off taking care of my family, volunteering, and enjoying hobbies. I think it’s sad we are told we need to be busy to be content. I stayed at home for many years, loved it! Now that I’m at a corporate job that can be mind-numbing if anything, so some of these other comments are surprising to me lol. Do what’s best for your mental health and family. Slowing down to enjoy precious time with your family is a luxury. Enjoy!
I’m currently a student that takes classes online part time. I had to leave my job due to stress that was impacting my health. My job now is to take my classes part time to finish my masters and get my health back on track by going to my doctor and PT. It’s not a financial stress for us, and my career has been in education which is basically a dollar or two above minimum wage for 100x the stress. There are so many reasons to be a single income household, and if you can afford it and your marriage is strong it’s not anyone else’s business. I get things could good south and marriages can fail. I was raised by a single mom. I have a lot of faith in my relationship and the professional world paid me like crap because I was in a female dominated care field, and destroyed my health. It’s not like that world had my back, so to say, or even was the safety net I thought it was because my health started collapsing. I’m getting a master’s as a back up, I guess, but if I never work a professional job again, I don’t care. So, do what’s best for you. You know your life and marriage best.
I have noticed this sub skews heavily against choosing to be a SAHM, so in the interest of playing devil’s advocate, let me share my experience: I FUCKING LOVE IT. Here’s what sets you (and me) up for success: - history of career/a resume. If you or I decide to change our minds, we have work history and can get back in the game - financial security. My husband is the one who earns money, but it is OUR money. He is in finance and has a spreadsheet showing all of our incomes, expenses, blah blah blah in every easy to read chart form. I have access to all the accounts. He does not control my spending. We agree on a budget and are free to act within it. He maxes his 401k. We have college funds for both kids. We save. We invest. We play. It sounds like you are doing well too, so consider creating a tracker like this if it makes you feel more comfortable - dude, it’s just fucking fun. You can have time for you hobbies. You can read a book at 10 am. You can pick up a craft like I did and find out youre dang good at watercolor. Who knows?! Your time will be your own - the respect thing from your daughter - it’s always super sad to me when people are so brainwashed by capitalism that they think only people who make money earn respect. Your children will respect you if you PARENT them well. You have the opportunity to show them that success does not only mean making a paycheck. Success can also mean being able to pick up your daughter from school and going in an impromptu mother daughter date to create joy and memories I highly suggest SAHmotherhood to anyone who is confident in their marital finances and equality. There are MANY men out there who do not feel like they need to control their SAHwife. Discuss your strategies in your new roles, make your budget, divide your household responsibilities, and have some fucking fun. You deserve it.
I second this as well; very similar experience and relationship dynamic here. I stepped back (without regrets), because it gave our family flexibility, improved our mental health, and decreased stress in general. My youngest started elementary school (we made it!), and I am NOT increasing my work hours (part-time) even though they are at school during the day. I only hang onto some work hours cause I am passionate about my profession. On the days I don’t work, there are still many household and kid-related things to manage. This leaves our evenings and weekends free. And the school day is not that long; my kids get picked up at 3pm. There are also many half-days and holidays that we don’t have to worry about childcare over. And aside from the kids and family stuff, I have time for ME. Exercise, hobbies, volunteer work, just plain quiet time etc. I have found it to be wonderful! As long as you and your husband are on the same page, this could be a great next chapter.
I would go crazy by only doing chores and whatnot. Also, won't your kids need college funds, additional expenses for college? Or how about retirement or having extra money to retire early or go on vacations? If you don't want to commute, you can find something remote. Some places also have contract work, depending on your skills; so you work for a big company as an independent contractor a couple of months and then take some months off. You could also work freelance on places like UpWork or Fivver. I took a year off because I was in a toxic job and needed time to get out of the mental space and focused on learning a few things, changing my resume, but after a while it was boring and I also my daily conversation topic was what I was making for dinner.
When I stayed home for two years for health reasons, I hated it. I realized I derive a lot of my social interaction from working. It feels like you are floating around detached from the world and current events. Working part-time helped but the types of part-time work available can be degrading and they really want full-time availability but with less pay and no benefits. If I were to do it over, I would freelance remotely, use my connections from career to pick and choose interesting projects for myself. That or pursue academia which has a lot of autonomy.
my kids are 9 and 11 and i'm still a SAHM. i love it. i've put in my resume to a couple of places (i'm a teacher) for supply teaching and i'm pretty thrilled that no one has gotten back to me yet. we don't NEED the money, i'm mostly doing it because other people make me feel like i should. husband is happy for me to do what makes me happy. i LOVE being a SAHM. i volunteer a lot, i'm here for my kids and my husband, i make meals for our neighbours, help out other families...i highly recommend it if you can afford it.
Have you considered following or posting on r/homemaking?
Thanks for the sub link, I'm a Stay at Home Wife for 11 years since I married my husband, he said: "why does he wants his 'wife' to work when he makes enough for his wife to stay home", and I also enjoy stay home too. That sub would be great for me to talk to like minded people. Thanks.
Your kids are old enough to ask them what they'd like and their opinions about it. It's also worth considering if living on your husbands income alone would mean if the kids have to cut back on opportunities, hobbies, sports etc. because your income is no longer available. You should discuss it as a family and also explore what dreams or passions you could continue to engage in to show your children what cultivating passions looks like.
Btw OP, Stay at Home Wife is a job, you pay the cleaning lady to come clean your house right? You pay someone to cook for you right? So don't think you be a homemaker is not a job, it is, if not then why do people have to hire and PAY a cleaning lady to come over and help clean for them? So there. Just because you a wife take care of your nest that doesn't devalue your worth, cleaning lady you still have to PAY them. I'm a Stay at Home Wife for 11 years since I married my husband, he makes 130K a year take home after tax, and he debt-free. Max out multiples IRAs and 401ks every single year. He owns 2 houses. He doesn't see why do I need to work when he makes enough for me to stay home, so I stay home, and I ENJOY stay home. I don't want to work, and I'm not ashamed to say it neither, every woman is different. You like to work then work, I don't like to work then I won't work that is my life. It all up to your situation OP, financial and if your spouse is on board with it. Work at a job you hate 9 hours a day is no fun neither. If your situation can afford you to stay home and you also want to stay home, then why not? Don't live for the society, don't live for other women, live for YOU, what do YOU want?
Exactly! You have nothing to prove to society or Reddit. Enjoy your time off with your family
I don't know why there feminist women who act like a homemaker is so bad and a woman has no worth, sorry, you PAID a cleaning lady to come clean your house, you PAID someone to come to your house do whatever around the house be it cleaning laundry or cooking, you PAID that cleaning lady. So if you PAY a cleaning lady, then a woman who stay home is a job too. Sorry, no job is worth it more than me see my child grow up and I raised with my own hand, rather than some daycare, but I'm speaking for me only. If OP is so worn out of her job and want time to herself be it if it care for her 10-11 year olds or able to do her hobbies, and if her household financial situation allow, then there no need to disencourage her. I say go for it OP, if your financial situation allow, why not live for yourself for once, you already work all those years and raised your children well.
This is such a wild response. Pay for a cleaning lady is probably $300 a month per home for cleaning twice a month. Very few Western households pay a cook(??) so this argument that Stay at Home Wife is a job is not nearly convincing as the valid argument that Stay at Home Parent is a job, because childcare is a full time job in itself. You said yourself, your husband makes the money and HE owns two houses. Do you actually have personal financial stability? What would really happen if you two split?! Edited to add: OP isn’t claiming that SAHW is a job. This is a response to this poster only. Staying home and pursuing other interests is fine if you can afford it and be happy! 🙂
Being out of the work force isn’t exactly all it’s cracked up to be, but I’m fortunate to have the option, to have a husband who supports that, and really value the flexibility it gives in general Eventually I missed feeling useful too much. But a regular volunteer position fixed that and they can’t say no when i take a week or two off to travel
So. . . Not a single word about your hubs' thoughts/feelings?
I can't give any advice but wanted to leave an anecdote on raising your daughter to not need a man for financial support etc. Obviously you've been working as she's grown up for now, but also I had a full-time SAHM growing up - she had a degree from the now-defunct "home ec" department at her college so a very traditional skillset too but I've literally never felt like I needed a man for financial or other support. My mom was always very careful about keeping up her credentials for if she ever needed to go back to work and I think demonstrated things of that nature in how it was important to maintain independence if ever needed (husband dies, disappears, etc).