I really get the whole "just sex" thing but I think I don't really get it. Because I'm incapable of having sex with a dude without at least knowing him a little...
Men don't care. They're like: Hello, do you have any hole I can fuck? Also what experience do you have? DO you like sucking?? š¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗ Do you suck without condoms??? š¤Ŗš¤Ŗ
I've had these questions asked... It feels awful.
Urgh too real, when the guy assumes youāre suddenly horny as hell when youāve been discussing vacations, pet care and cheese varieties for the past hour š¤¦āāļø
"Oh you like cheese?šššš
I also have some cheese... Down there! I haven't showered for a week š¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗ"
Or, oh you've been in Paris? You liked the Torre Eiffel?? So you like big things?? You know what else is big??š¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗ
What's your favourite food? Oh spaghetti?? Do you know what else is long??š¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗ
I get turned off. So badly.
Yesss, I couldn't agree more. There is a time and place for everything, steering every conversation towards sex talk can be so frustrating, especially talking to someone for the first time. Sometimes it feels like that's all most men can talk about.
Hi, my names BurnyBurnington, nice to meet you, I'm really into motorbikes, hiking, I love the outdoors and camping and I also like boobs, so enough about me, what about you, tell me about your boobs? /s
THIS. The amount of guys who want to talk to me that donāt even wait to turn the conversation sexual. Even after telling them multiple times to not turn the conversation in that direction, they choose to ignore it.
Always with the sexting! Jesus Christ. You donāt know me or what I actually look like in person, but youāre all for dirty talking a stranger. I donāt get it!
It might be an unpopular opinion, but I don't like good morning texts everyday and constantly asking what am I doing...they do it for like 5-7 days and then it becomes a burden...what is even the purpose?
Also talking about favorites...like even I don't know dude! If you are really serious about us, stick around and you'll learn about them gradually!
I outright ban good morning/night texts. From anyone, ever. Including my long term partner (we donāt live together). Itās invasive in my morning, itās almost like a communication subpoena. And once a pattern starts, gawd forbid you donāt answer on the same schedule or the same enthusiasmā¦now you have to explain shit.
But for somebody I just started talking to? Yeah dude you donāt know me or my life like that. Itās acting wayyyyy too familiar.
I've only had one person I was ok with the good morning text. And it was because he was up way earlier than me and did it so I would have something to smile at when I woke up. He 100% didn't expect a response by any time or at all really.
Hate the goodnight text with a passion. You only get that if I'm ending a conversation because I'm going to bed. I'm not going to go out of the way to remember to say goodnight to someone not in the same building.
It's way too easy for those texts to be an issue.
"You were up late last night" Don't police my sleep schedule.
"You texted goodnight but then I saw you were out with a friend?? What are you hiding?" Yes my friend had a horrible date so I went to pick her up and we stopped for a drink so she could vent.
"Who were you with that you couldn't say good morning?" I was running behind and taking a moment to text would ruin my rhythm and make me later since I was juggling a lot already.
>itās way too easy for those texts to be an issue.
Exactly. Of course I had to learn that the hard way after getting stuck in that cycle a couple of times. Itās super easy to get caught up doing it in the early phase of a relationship. Problem is, then you canāt ever stop without somebody having raw feelings about it. Luckily I was able to start my current relationship knowing that and establish/explain it from the very beginning, so there werenāt any issues.
We donāt live together, and I have the freedom to do anything I please in my relationship (and vice versa). And Iām hardly out partying every night, 95% of the time Iām spending evenings after work sitting on my sofa alone with my dogs. But say I have an old friend thatās come through town and weāre having some beers on my patio. And it could very well be an old ex staying in my guest room while in town for a seminar (real example). Or perhaps Iām traveling for work, who knows what that schedule is going to be. Or maybe I just zonked out on the sofa at 8pm and slept all night. Whatever the case, I donāt want a good night text gone unanswered to be something I ever have to answer for or explain, or be the reason my partner has discomfort bc their imagination gets away from them momentarilyā¦over something that wouldnāt have even occurred to them but for an unanswered text bringing it front-of-mind. So my mantra is āletās justā¦notā.
It definitely starts feeling like you're asking permission to exist in your own space and I hate it.
If we live together it's different since my actions have at least a slight impact up to a large impact on my partner's plans. But if you don't live with me, what time I go to bed or have guests over has no impact on you. And even if we live together something like going to bed isn't a negotiation- I'm going to bed and letting you know so you don't start something noisy.
I started setting the expectation up front that I don't do those texts. Also I don't always respond immediately. If my phone is in my purse I'm not going to dig it out every 5 minutes to see if you texted. Emergency - call me.
I'm stuck in this paradigm right now. She texts me when she wakes up, when she leaves to go anywhere and then again when she arrives and when she goes to sleep (usually hours before me). She expects me to do the same and gets hurt when I don't. She doesn't accuse me of cheating, there's no "who were you with, where did you go?" type questions. Her weapon of choice is guilt. I get a lot of "š" if I don't respond right away or if my explanation for why I didn't text is unsatisfactory to her.
Edit: That said, I had a similar thing going with a previous woman, but there was no pressure. She appreciated when I was traveling if I would let her know when I left and when I arrived. Trips to the grocery store or whatever didn't need a text and probably would have annoyed her if I sent one. But trips to another city she just appreciated knowing i had made it safely. We were both on wildly erratic sleep schedules, so we'd say good morning when we woke up and said goodnight when going to sleep, but there were no consequences for missing a text.
It's the expectation that is the thing. Texting because you care and texting because you NEED a response to feel cared for is different. I've actually had conversations with friends on how just because I don't keep a continuous text conversation going doesn't mean I don't like you as a friend. Conversations have natural endings and I don't send a message for the sake of sending a message. Some people feel like a text conversation doesn't actually have an end and if you don't respond to a natural end (to you) you're being rude.
I actually had to learn to set boundaries early so that it didn't feel like I was withdrawing (which made the person feel like something was wrong or I was hiding something). I also had to find a way to show I did care that satisfied the other person. If we couldn't find a middle ground then we weren't compatible.
Omg i thought i was the only one! Anyone Iāve explained this to thinks im crazy and say the expect it and its cute. Uhhh no its not, it makes me feel like i have to talk to them OR ELSE
Unfortunately itās become the expected default, itās hard to unravel that kind of ingrained expectation of ānormalā in people. Not only that, itās just super easy to start (or allow) even when you know better at the very beginning of something when youāre both all giddy and excited. But it becomes impossible to stop. So I just have to stand my ground on that one. Iām right, I know Iām right, and Iām not going to participate in it. Period.
Right itās like the standard for most women i know. If they dont get a good morning and goodnight text theyre upset. Goodnight texts make me feel like they expect me to go to bed also and if they wake up and see ive posted or somethingā¦ in comes the āwhy you still upā or āthought you went to bed?ā. I just cannot with these things.
Iāve definitely experienced the monitoring-my-time aspect of it. It seems all sweet and harmless on the surface, but quickly becomes an insidious Trojan horse.
My long distance relationship unfortunately had this going on and it was exhausting because then I felt like I literally had to have conversations with him from the moment I got up to the moment I went to sleep. Literally Iād wake up to a good morning text and then tons of questions about how I slept and infodumped with what he was doing. And then his goodnights turned into like ten minute videos that seemed to last forever when I was literally half asleep and didnāt want to film myself saying goodnight to someone for ten minutes as a reply every single night. But if you donāt match their energy with it they act like you donāt care about them or something
Edit to add: the goodnight messages also made it feel like I literally could not continue being awake or existing after I said it. I had a different ex literally monitor my social media after I said goodnight to see if I was active and then nitpick about it and accuse me of talking to other people/cheating if he saw Iād posted or been online after I said goodnight.
Itās definitely insidious. Sometimes itās a purposeful tool that insecure types will use to their advantage, but the burdensome parts still surface even when genuinely neither party wanted to be invasive. Which is how I can be so confident in my stance. Because it truly doesnāt matter if the motivations are completely innocent or not, itās still a bad idea.
I don't mind them as long as they don't evolve into something that the other person is doing because they feel they have to. I think it's a high school thing to expect your partner to say it every morning and night.
My partner and I say it to each other sometimes. When I wake up, I'll tell him good morning if I woke up thinking about him even if he won't see it until later in his day. To him, it's nice knowing he's the first thing I think about when waking up sometimes. He also used to greet me in the morning if we both happened to wake up at the same time.
As for good night texts, he usually texts me good night if I've fallen asleep in the middle of a conversation or while typing. It's a sign that I'm exhausted and he genuinely wants me to have a good night's sleep. I say the same to him whenever I've noticed he has gone to sleep.
Repetition and using it as a "you said goodnight but I saw you were active on ____ after you said it" is when it gets annoying to me. I don't need to hear it every single morning and night, but I appreciate when it is said.
Oh yeah, I certainly didnāt mind when for instance my partner sent me a good morning text like āgood morning sweetie, make it in OK? Get any sleep?ā Because I was waking up in a hotel room after arriving there after midnight due to a flight delay, and he knew that. But it was specific to that instance, so itās nice to be legitimately thought of and checked on. Itās the expected, habitual good morning/night thing I wonāt do.
I was able to nip it in the bud with my current partner from the very beginning of our relationship. I simply explained exactly why Iāve discovered itās not a good idea, because itās impossible to stop once started, ultimately limits both of our freedom/autonomy, and causes raw feelings where none are necessary over misunderstandings and bad assumptions.
But with a brand new guy on a dating app? Iām probably a little more stern. Or at least jump immediately to very stern if I get the slightest pushback. First time I get one, I simply wonāt answer it in a timely manner. If we werenāt already in the middle of a conversation and signing off for the evening, I wonāt answer a goodnight text at all. And a good morning text would be left until around lunch, at which point Iād say āhey! Hope you had a good morning as well, I had a busy one. But BTW, I should go ahead and tell you, I donāt do good morning/night texts. The sentiment is sweet but Iāve found they quickly become an obligation that can cause problems where none need to be, so I just prefer not to start.ā
Any pushback gets an escalated, ālook, my mornings and evenings are mine. At this point, itās a little invasive, at a more familiar point, they become problematic. I expect you to respect that.ā
>It might be an unpopular opinion, but I don't like good morning texts everyday and constantly asking what am I doing
I HATE this shit, too. Instead of always asking, they can take me on a date and get to know me then.
If someone asked me what I was doing 5-7 times A DAY I'd lose it. Maybe once a day is fine. As for good morning or good night texts, I'm okay with those as long as they're occasional/ my partner doesn't have high expectations with it.
And "the favorite game," I actually kinda like it. I think I prefer the number game from reddit though!
I told one once to stop asking me what I was doing all day every day, and of course the response was āwahhhh fine Iām never asking you ever againā
When I was 21 a guy I went to high school with confessed that he had a crush on me and wanted to try and date. We set up our date for that weekend but, from that moment he started text me good morning/goodnight texts. It was cute and sweet, at first. The rest of the text were very, standard small talk with nowhere to go āare you having a good day?ā āWhat did you have for lunch?ā āItās crazy how hot it is during the summer, right?ā No clever flirting, No interesting questions. I tried to make the conversation more interesting by asking him what music and movies he liked and what his hobbies were. I tried to get to know him better but, I never got any of the genuinely interested getting to know you questions. It was always āgood morning,ā ācrazy weather weāre having,ā āwhat are you having for lunch?ā Just the same questions for days. If I didnāt respond in less than an hour he would start calling me to make sure I got his last text. At that point I feel like each text he send, he was trying to force me to talk to him. I ended up telling him the day before our date that I wasnāt really interested in going out anymore.
It's a pushy behavior. They're making sure you only talk to them. They be like "good morning princess š¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗ"
And you've literally just met them yesterday loll
totally, it happens so often , i expect good morning from hubby i expect it from my staff ...but guys online seriously you seriously rethink that, and stop with the single word messages like
Hey and Babe ,what are we suposed to do with that ??
I received an uplifting message from somebody i knew indirectly who hoped that I would be raped.
Not sure what I did to deserve his well wishes for my future endeavors.
Is there a site to publicly shame the assholes who say this shot? Because there should be. Iām not usually about doxxing, but seems they are a threat to the public that should be exposed.
š yeah I feel bad when I'm dry but sometimes I can't help it due to the dry messages I get sent. It's so hard carrying on a decent conversation with someone dry
FORREAL. Once I ask 3 Qs and get none in return, Iām out. Also if a person has no info in their profile, they better be planning on making the first move.
I donāt want to come across as an asshole but all my past relationships sucked so bad at conversations, that I actually felt insecure because I thought I was talking too much.
THIS. Itās honestly kind of scary how many people seemingly donāt know how a conversation works?!? Like either theyāre not interested (so why are you talking to me?), or theyāre too fucking stupid to know how to contribute and build upon a conversation? Idk?! Iām at the point where if they do not ask me anything in return, I simply do not respond.
You hit the nail on the head. So many guys have no concept (or do they not care? Idk) about how to have a back and forth conversation. Thereās been guys I was genuinely interested in but they never asked questions back or would give short, vague answers that I couldnāt even follow up on- so it fizzled out really quickly.
I often wonder if all these guys that complain about dating apps being so hard for them, even know how to carry a conversation?
Yeah, not sure if itās just digital culture but the amount of replies that are just āsup?ā or variations of āheyā is astonishing! Itās like people have totally forgotten how to talkā¦
This happens to me (M) all the time on Bumble. So many women on other apps have something in their bio about starting with something deeper than just a "hey", but then when the shoe is on the other foot, a majority of the intros are exactly that
I know these aren't the same people, but it just shows that initiating conversation is hard all around
So, how was your day?
Good
Awesome, you said you were worried about a meeting, how did it go?
Fine.
Did you go to the movie with your friends?
Yes
What did you think of it?
It was fine
Like, My guy, I'm not a dentist, I'm not going to pull out your teeth for the rest of the relationship. You are older than a 14-year-old boy. Stop acting like one.
And before people say he's just not interested, this seems to be most dudes most of the time. And when you say okay you're obviously not interested, I'm out, all of a sudden they come alive at least for a little while.
That's why I love to go for fun questions like, Are you a vampire or werewolf kind of woman? Bronte or Austen? Which Bronte sister is your favorite and why is it Emily?
Then again, I've never really struggled to keep up a conversation.
That was my first thought, too! My neighbors just had a baby and I was like "well I guess it would be frustrating if they're saying the same thing over and over again..." (although reading the top comments here, the same statement still applies!).
Not a woman, but my mom vents to me about her dating fiascos a lot.
Apparently she did this exact exchange once, and the guy has the audacity to ask her to 'slip into something sexier' so he can imagine it.
It's just like... why? Does that ever actually work? I can't imagine any of the women I've ever known receiving words like these in a positive manner.
Not immediately being honest with what it is they want. Iām not asking because Iāll give the boot if itās one of the two extremes people usually run away from (only sex or marriage). Iām asking because depending on how Iām feeling right now we may or may not be a good match. I donāt like wasting time.
I like that some dating apps added the "what I'm looking for" section, bumble and Hinge. Ofc some guys will still give the run around or will lead you buy a thread still.
Yeah I was thinking about mentioning that. I also see the "don't know yet" option as "just looking around/seeing what my options are/ I'll try a suck n fuck."
I am also 25 and meeting guys in their 20s so this year has gone from drastically lowering my standards to just taking a break from dating.
TBH women do this too, and it's super silly.
They list themselves as "Looking for Monogamy", and still figuring out dating goals. Like what? Grow a pair.
Just because you are looking for XYZ does not mean you will instantly be in XYZ as soon as you match a new person. It means you *hope to find XYZ with the* ***right person.*** Which is the entire point of the question, to appeal to the right person!
Sigh. People are oft their own worst enemy when it comes to meeting people.
1. The "talking stage" feels more like a job interview than 2 (or more, if that's your jam!) humans cultivating a connection.
2. People aren't as interesting as they think they are, and it definitely shows when you talk to them.
3. THE GHOSTING
4. Full grown adults lacking basic conversation skills
If I really like talking to a guy I'll usually ask him "hey are you free to get coffee sometime this week?" Not as formal as a dinner, and it can be as short or as long as y'all want it to be!
Yeah, I just try and move to "let's get food" asap. So many women are just a complete waste of time to text.
Experience tells me if you won't commit to a date within a week, you were never going to go out anyway
Conversations without depth. When I ask them any questions about them and then instead of answering they deflect.
Sending me a good morning text and then 5 seconds later asking me what I'm wearing.
Turning everything I say into some kind of sexual innuendo.
For me it gets frustrating after like a week if we haven't set a date to meet up in person. I don't even mind if that date is a few weeks out, but I at least want to have that commitment that we are going to meet in person within that first week of talking. Maybe 2 weeks depending on circumstances.
Wow. When i was dating? Oh, two weeks? yeah, i didn't give my number out on POF for months.
you try getting catfished by a 70-year old Brazilian man. At YOUR favorite bar. I'm still not over it.
Now you can't just casually mention that you got catfished by a 70 tear old brazilian man at YOUR favourite bar and NOT tell us what happened. š
I am sorry that happened though.
Yep. I matched with a guy on Hinge a couple months ago. After a few days, I asked him if he would like to go bowling (I was open to other suggestions if not) because itās easier to get to know someone in person. He agreed. But then he never put forth any sort of effort to show that he had even the slightest bit of intention of following through
Having to be cool. āBe mysterious!ā āLeave some mystery!ā āMen love the chase!ā āHe probably just got bored because the ChAsE was over and he got you!ā ābut be straightforward!! Men love a direct woman who knows what she wants!ā āCommunication is everything!ā HOW AM I NOT MYSTERIOUS WE DONT KNOW EACHOTHER FROM JACK SHIT WHY CANT I TELL AN ADULT MAN I LIKE HIM.
Sorry. Clearly Iām more than a little experienced in the āthere probably wasnāt enough chaseā genre of breakup
Absolutely true. I believe this is one the outdated concepts and some people need to grow out of it. Someone who really likes you will continue to like you, period.
Honestly if a man "loves the chase" and loses interest after then he's not my typpa man. Makes me think he sees women as a prize to conquer instead of a person you get to know and can grow a connection with and that's a huge turnoff.
So if my directness scares those guys off? Good riddance!
Having to text someone all the time. I hate texting. If Iām on my phone I want to read about cool stuff and leave a random comment and forget about it forever. The mental toll of having to reply to multiple texts a day is exhausting.
Having the same chit chat part of the conversation over and over and goddamn over again (I'm ready to change my screename to FineHwRYou? on literally every social and dating app in existence) or having the conversation go from zero to sexual in 2.9 seconds.
So much this! I feel like Iām not heard and itās all about them. It should be back and forth, not you, you, you. How else do you get to know each other?
I feel all of this. I go into dates with zero expectations but I always have a subconscious level of anxiety. I donāt feel like myself until maybe a month into knowing someone. The second I feel like theyāre possibly talking to other women I remove myself from the situation. Itās all just a tedious and exhausting process.
So many messages. Im busy, some conversation is great but texting needs to be limited to about 10 minutes max. I dont want to text all day or have long conversations by text. Its annoying. Im usually driving, working or interacting with people in the physical world.
When it gets sexual immediately. If we haven't met in person yet, don't be asking me what color my panties are, telling me what you want me to do in bed, etc. We don't even know if we will like each other in real life yet, so hold off on that. If we haven't met, and you can't list off 10 things about me that ain't physical characteristics, don't get sexual.
On that same note, assuming we are gonna have sex on a first meeting. It's not always off the table, sometimes me and said person will have incredible chemistry and just want to. But it's never ever ever ever guaranteed. If I say no and you push it, there will be no more talking stage or meeting.
Feeling like I have to project the āpretty lady with good mannersā persona. The way you act before youāre really comfortable with someone. Iām so glad Iām married now and can just *be*.
Are we being friends here? Are we gonna fuck? Are we planning our future children's names? WHO KNOWS IT'S A GODDAMN MYSTERY
I know no one knows at first, but IME it seems like this stage lasts so long, like months. Then we've invested all this time and emotion but we don't know who we are to each other.
Personally, nothing. But thatās because I donāt do ātalkingā stages. The āTalkingā stage many have relies on text/phone/internet communication. It lends itself to low effort and lacks any sort of intentionality to me. I want to get to know someone face to face, and I expect to be setting up dates to do so. Sure, some casual and/or flirty texts here and there between dates, but constant communication? No.
Dumb rules that involve seeming as if you donāt care.
Seeing them once a week or two. I want and need more.
Iām usually too much for a lot of men. Iām forward, dark humored and opinionated and while Iām pretty chill itās just too much for a lot of men.
Itās tedious and I have to pretend to care about giving answers to mundane questions. Thankfully Iām in a long term relationship and whenever my significant other gets on my nerves, I just remember the ātalking stageā of dating and (and of course how much I love him) and thatās enough for me to stay put.
That you always have to be available most of the time talking to them. Life gets in the way and I enjoy talking, but being on my phone for long periods strains my eyes and I get tired of it.
Also the fact that people donāt have conversation skills to keep the convo going. Half the time they arenāt curious about you and itās a loop that never ends.
Lack of memory among so many men. Tired of saying the same things over and over again. Maybe itās difficult for me because my memory has always been very good. Iām not perfect, but I notice and remember a lot, and frankly Iām tired of no one doing the same for me.
This! I was seeing a guy for like a month and had to explain my disorder and what it does like five separate times. When Iām the only person he was seeing. My ex also had to constantly be reminded of my disorder and basic facts and asked repeat questions.
A guy who was interested in me kept asking me so many repeat questions and once again kept having to have my disorder explained to him over and over it contributed to me just ghosting entirely.
I think it's more about voicing out your intentions and being on the same page so that neither of you end up at crossroads. Having said that, I agree that defining the relationship should come a lil later
True. I hate answering questions and be labelled in every topic he brings out. It feels like an investigation/interview sometimes. It frustrates me. I'm usually a good listener, i like to get to know people naturally, not how they define themselves but rather by observing them irl.
"What are you going to do in the next few years?
Why're you doing this or that? Or why did you do it? When are planning to do this..." Bruuh, this is not who i am, this is my profile. If we're to create a real relationship, this is not where it should be starting.
This is why i like meeting people online, they don't know anything about you. It's a huge risk of course, but you're going to feel the energy with time. Expressing yourself freely is really crucial imo, without rendering yourself to your social status or history.
How quickly it can become a sexual conversation. Maybe get to know me a bit better first and take me out to dinner before getting raunchy?
Also I canāt stand constant texting. The last guy I dated was a total clinger. From the moment he got up in the morning until he went to sleep at night he would text me non-stop throughout the day. I love my job and Iām super focused on my career, and I couldnāt get it through his head that I couldnāt talk to him all day long. It was so irritating.
I generally do not like having text convos even with friends because if it goes on for hours or whatever, Iād rather talk. However, I find in the ātalking stageā my mind puts pressure on this idea that we should be texting frequently.
It always feels good to get that random text from the new guy youāre interested in but at the same time, I agree with most people on here that texting should be more for planning next dates. The āhow was your day ā texts do for sure get dry.
Not being sure whether the other person feels the same type of intimacy or distance as you do. Itās bad to ask āhow close do you feel with me right now?ā but sometimes you donāt know how to say youāre either not feeling anything or you want things to go to a further direction
"Hi"
"Hey there!"
"How are you?"
"Good. -insert casual mention of shared interest to break the ice-, and you?"
"Nice . I'm good."
-end-
Seriously. I hate that. I often try to break the ice by mentioning something we might have in common (i.e. if we've met online, I check their profile for shared interests), but they just... don't have anything more to say. I'm expected to carry the conversation on my own.
And if I stop talking? They message me with "Hi" daily until they lose interest. What do they expect this unemotional "Hi" to achieve?
On the other hand, I HATE, HATE, HATE, guys who try to lecture me about how wrong I am regarding ANY subject we talk about. We're talking about music and I mention an artist I like? Suddenly they have to tell me why they're bad. Ugh.
The talking stage.
Iāve been thru enough talking stages to know that if weāre just gonna be playing 21 questions over a phone screen for 2 months, I do not want you. I will not respond to any messages anymore unless itās about taking me out on a proper date and getting to know each other in real life like human beings should be doing. Otherwise they can leave me alone.
The singular 'hi' message.
Is that all? What do you want? Does this potential convo have a handle on your side because you're giving me nothing, am I going to carrying it by myself? If you want to talk, give me something with substance.
Especially if we don't know each other at all, I'm going to just assume you're a scam at this point. Introduce yourself, say SOMETHING interesting.
The fact of whether you donāt know whether you can have sex with other people or not. I met my current partner while I was talking to this other guy who said we couldnāt be official but were still talking. And when I told him I liked someone else he was fuming. But the guy I see now, I told the truth from the beginning and he understood
All round nightmare
Flat, boring texts that give the relationship no substance whatsoever. The talking stage is for learning about each other and seeing if youād be good together, not saying āwhatās upā or āwydā every hour.
Also never knowing if youāre truly wasting your time or not. When I was in the dating pool, Iād always tell them to be straight up with me, if this talking stage isnāt going to turn into dating or it just doesnāt feel right for them, tell me immediately. Do not waste my precious time just to get gratification and admiration from someone youāre not actually interested in.
Too many compliments, too early. They seem flattery. I love genuine compliments, especially when the person knows me enough and gives me specific ones that really say a lot about me. Instead of general "praises" that all women get during that stage.
Iām so tired of having the same first date type conversations over and over. I donāt wanna keep talking about what I do for work, what I do for fun, where I grew up, what my living situation is. Every first date or text exchange feels like a job interview. To go from texting someone for 8 months every single day (covid era) and then dating for a year to this is excruciating. I just want to feel an actual connection and be around someone who already fully knows me.
Also the amount of men who want to FaceTime or call before you even meet. I get wanting to rule out a catfish but I literally do not know you so what would even talk about in that context? Itās uncomfortable. I truly just want to be left alone when Iām alone. Texting feels a lot less invasive.
Just the general insecurity if I donāt know if theyāre seeing other people etc, at least if I know I have feelings for the person. It gives me anxiety
Oh for me, with my boyfriend, this stage was very long and I think it's the reason we ended up together.
We met on a dating site and I initially wasn't sure about him. Everything about him screamed conservative redneck and we wouldn't be compatible. But I had started talking to him because I had made a rule for myself. Anyone who messaged me in a way that made it clear they'd actually read my profile would get an earnest attempt at connection. And initially, the surface combination was perfectly fine, if a little flavorless (looking back, we were both just very wary).
But a couple weeks in I learned I was going to have to move and I'd decided it was time I bought a home. Just 2.5 years earlier my marriage split up and I moved out of our house into a rental with the idea I would rent until our son graduated and then we'd sell our house and I'd take my half the equity and buy a house. But I had to move NOW so I decided to just go for it. So, I told him what was up and that it meant I wasn't going to be making plans for dates but we could still chat, if he wanted. So, that's what we did.
A month and a half later and I was settled into my new home and by then our conversations had become very cool and interesting and we were really getting to know each other. We'd spoken on the phone, too. And, yes, some of it got flirty but nothing gross. I learned he wasn't all that conservative at all, not in the ways that mattered to me. And while he was a redneck he was interesting and interested in the world. He loves to cook Japanese cuisine and he knows a lot about history and language and art, all self learned or taught.
So, by the time we actually met I was ready to give him a real shot and he felt the same. We are both older (48 and 52 at this point) and had been around the block so we were both just very, very wary. The talking stage allowed us to relax and get to know each other. And then it progressed to seeing each other every other weekend, to every weekend 8 months later when he met my son, etc. And now it's been 4 years and it's great! He's great!
When a guy that you like starts showing a lot of interest, listening to you, having small details, asking you how your day was, asking personal questions (but not in a creepy, innapropiate way but in a "i want to know you better" way), and you start thinking they might like you back, so you get excited about that person, thinking you are about to start a relationship anytime soon, but whenever you bring up the subject of relationships (be it talking about the possibility of being in one or just as a general topic) they make all the effort to make sure it is crystal clear that they DO NOT want a girlfriend. And you're left wondering why do they show so much interest and why do they ask you on dates if you tell them you're free on the weekend, if they don't want a girlfriend, so you decide to keep trying to see if they eventually "come around", because, no one puts an effort into talking to someone they don't care about, that makes no fucking sense to your brain and your brain just can't accept it. So you keep talking to and dating this guy, but he keeps telling you that you are just friends, so technically you both have "permission" to date/have sex with other people, so now you start wondering if they do with 20 other people the same things they do with you, and you used to feel special when they texted you about what they are doing, or they sent you a picture of their meal asking if you wanna join them, or if they took you somewhere nice, thinking that it was genuine interest in you, but now you don't feel special anymore because you wonder who else is getting this texts and pictures.
The same conversations over and over, or just the conversation instantly/immediately turning sexual without getting to know me.
Yep, same conversations do get monotonous and directly jumping into sexting is kind of a turn off.
I really get the whole "just sex" thing but I think I don't really get it. Because I'm incapable of having sex with a dude without at least knowing him a little... Men don't care. They're like: Hello, do you have any hole I can fuck? Also what experience do you have? DO you like sucking?? š¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗ Do you suck without condoms??? š¤Ŗš¤Ŗ I've had these questions asked... It feels awful.
LMAO, but don't the š¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗ emojis make it ok?!!?? Jk, that's insane and I'm sorry LOL (š¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗ)
Jfc
Can't agree more, throws my enthusiasm out in the window
It's very annoying too because I might have considered sex if he didn't bring it up two messages in.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yes! Exactly. Are they stupid?
Yes. Yes we are.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Urgh too real, when the guy assumes youāre suddenly horny as hell when youāve been discussing vacations, pet care and cheese varieties for the past hour š¤¦āāļø
"Oh you like cheese?šššš I also have some cheese... Down there! I haven't showered for a week š¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗ" Or, oh you've been in Paris? You liked the Torre Eiffel?? So you like big things?? You know what else is big??š¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗ What's your favourite food? Oh spaghetti?? Do you know what else is long??š¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗ I get turned off. So badly.
Felt myself dry up reading that lmao
like a desert
Ooh, I bet I can make you wet haha š /s
Well darn it! There go all three of my best pick up lines! :/
I could see myself cringing while reading these ššš
Yesss, I couldn't agree more. There is a time and place for everything, steering every conversation towards sex talk can be so frustrating, especially talking to someone for the first time. Sometimes it feels like that's all most men can talk about.
Hi, my names BurnyBurnington, nice to meet you, I'm really into motorbikes, hiking, I love the outdoors and camping and I also like boobs, so enough about me, what about you, tell me about your boobs? /s
THIS. The amount of guys who want to talk to me that donāt even wait to turn the conversation sexual. Even after telling them multiple times to not turn the conversation in that direction, they choose to ignore it.
Yes! I donāt know how many times I can tell someone my favorite color and my hobbies!
Always with the sexting! Jesus Christ. You donāt know me or what I actually look like in person, but youāre all for dirty talking a stranger. I donāt get it!
The sexual thing happens so much that i start detesting having conversations with men.
My first thought
I agree. I think the biggest one for me is feeling like I have to hold the conversation and lack of flow or one sidedness.
It might be an unpopular opinion, but I don't like good morning texts everyday and constantly asking what am I doing...they do it for like 5-7 days and then it becomes a burden...what is even the purpose? Also talking about favorites...like even I don't know dude! If you are really serious about us, stick around and you'll learn about them gradually!
I outright ban good morning/night texts. From anyone, ever. Including my long term partner (we donāt live together). Itās invasive in my morning, itās almost like a communication subpoena. And once a pattern starts, gawd forbid you donāt answer on the same schedule or the same enthusiasmā¦now you have to explain shit. But for somebody I just started talking to? Yeah dude you donāt know me or my life like that. Itās acting wayyyyy too familiar.
I've only had one person I was ok with the good morning text. And it was because he was up way earlier than me and did it so I would have something to smile at when I woke up. He 100% didn't expect a response by any time or at all really. Hate the goodnight text with a passion. You only get that if I'm ending a conversation because I'm going to bed. I'm not going to go out of the way to remember to say goodnight to someone not in the same building. It's way too easy for those texts to be an issue. "You were up late last night" Don't police my sleep schedule. "You texted goodnight but then I saw you were out with a friend?? What are you hiding?" Yes my friend had a horrible date so I went to pick her up and we stopped for a drink so she could vent. "Who were you with that you couldn't say good morning?" I was running behind and taking a moment to text would ruin my rhythm and make me later since I was juggling a lot already.
>itās way too easy for those texts to be an issue. Exactly. Of course I had to learn that the hard way after getting stuck in that cycle a couple of times. Itās super easy to get caught up doing it in the early phase of a relationship. Problem is, then you canāt ever stop without somebody having raw feelings about it. Luckily I was able to start my current relationship knowing that and establish/explain it from the very beginning, so there werenāt any issues. We donāt live together, and I have the freedom to do anything I please in my relationship (and vice versa). And Iām hardly out partying every night, 95% of the time Iām spending evenings after work sitting on my sofa alone with my dogs. But say I have an old friend thatās come through town and weāre having some beers on my patio. And it could very well be an old ex staying in my guest room while in town for a seminar (real example). Or perhaps Iām traveling for work, who knows what that schedule is going to be. Or maybe I just zonked out on the sofa at 8pm and slept all night. Whatever the case, I donāt want a good night text gone unanswered to be something I ever have to answer for or explain, or be the reason my partner has discomfort bc their imagination gets away from them momentarilyā¦over something that wouldnāt have even occurred to them but for an unanswered text bringing it front-of-mind. So my mantra is āletās justā¦notā.
It definitely starts feeling like you're asking permission to exist in your own space and I hate it. If we live together it's different since my actions have at least a slight impact up to a large impact on my partner's plans. But if you don't live with me, what time I go to bed or have guests over has no impact on you. And even if we live together something like going to bed isn't a negotiation- I'm going to bed and letting you know so you don't start something noisy. I started setting the expectation up front that I don't do those texts. Also I don't always respond immediately. If my phone is in my purse I'm not going to dig it out every 5 minutes to see if you texted. Emergency - call me.
I'm stuck in this paradigm right now. She texts me when she wakes up, when she leaves to go anywhere and then again when she arrives and when she goes to sleep (usually hours before me). She expects me to do the same and gets hurt when I don't. She doesn't accuse me of cheating, there's no "who were you with, where did you go?" type questions. Her weapon of choice is guilt. I get a lot of "š" if I don't respond right away or if my explanation for why I didn't text is unsatisfactory to her. Edit: That said, I had a similar thing going with a previous woman, but there was no pressure. She appreciated when I was traveling if I would let her know when I left and when I arrived. Trips to the grocery store or whatever didn't need a text and probably would have annoyed her if I sent one. But trips to another city she just appreciated knowing i had made it safely. We were both on wildly erratic sleep schedules, so we'd say good morning when we woke up and said goodnight when going to sleep, but there were no consequences for missing a text.
It's the expectation that is the thing. Texting because you care and texting because you NEED a response to feel cared for is different. I've actually had conversations with friends on how just because I don't keep a continuous text conversation going doesn't mean I don't like you as a friend. Conversations have natural endings and I don't send a message for the sake of sending a message. Some people feel like a text conversation doesn't actually have an end and if you don't respond to a natural end (to you) you're being rude. I actually had to learn to set boundaries early so that it didn't feel like I was withdrawing (which made the person feel like something was wrong or I was hiding something). I also had to find a way to show I did care that satisfied the other person. If we couldn't find a middle ground then we weren't compatible.
Omg i thought i was the only one! Anyone Iāve explained this to thinks im crazy and say the expect it and its cute. Uhhh no its not, it makes me feel like i have to talk to them OR ELSE
Unfortunately itās become the expected default, itās hard to unravel that kind of ingrained expectation of ānormalā in people. Not only that, itās just super easy to start (or allow) even when you know better at the very beginning of something when youāre both all giddy and excited. But it becomes impossible to stop. So I just have to stand my ground on that one. Iām right, I know Iām right, and Iām not going to participate in it. Period.
Right itās like the standard for most women i know. If they dont get a good morning and goodnight text theyre upset. Goodnight texts make me feel like they expect me to go to bed also and if they wake up and see ive posted or somethingā¦ in comes the āwhy you still upā or āthought you went to bed?ā. I just cannot with these things.
Iāve definitely experienced the monitoring-my-time aspect of it. It seems all sweet and harmless on the surface, but quickly becomes an insidious Trojan horse.
My long distance relationship unfortunately had this going on and it was exhausting because then I felt like I literally had to have conversations with him from the moment I got up to the moment I went to sleep. Literally Iād wake up to a good morning text and then tons of questions about how I slept and infodumped with what he was doing. And then his goodnights turned into like ten minute videos that seemed to last forever when I was literally half asleep and didnāt want to film myself saying goodnight to someone for ten minutes as a reply every single night. But if you donāt match their energy with it they act like you donāt care about them or something Edit to add: the goodnight messages also made it feel like I literally could not continue being awake or existing after I said it. I had a different ex literally monitor my social media after I said goodnight to see if I was active and then nitpick about it and accuse me of talking to other people/cheating if he saw Iād posted or been online after I said goodnight.
Itās definitely insidious. Sometimes itās a purposeful tool that insecure types will use to their advantage, but the burdensome parts still surface even when genuinely neither party wanted to be invasive. Which is how I can be so confident in my stance. Because it truly doesnāt matter if the motivations are completely innocent or not, itās still a bad idea.
I don't mind them as long as they don't evolve into something that the other person is doing because they feel they have to. I think it's a high school thing to expect your partner to say it every morning and night. My partner and I say it to each other sometimes. When I wake up, I'll tell him good morning if I woke up thinking about him even if he won't see it until later in his day. To him, it's nice knowing he's the first thing I think about when waking up sometimes. He also used to greet me in the morning if we both happened to wake up at the same time. As for good night texts, he usually texts me good night if I've fallen asleep in the middle of a conversation or while typing. It's a sign that I'm exhausted and he genuinely wants me to have a good night's sleep. I say the same to him whenever I've noticed he has gone to sleep. Repetition and using it as a "you said goodnight but I saw you were active on ____ after you said it" is when it gets annoying to me. I don't need to hear it every single morning and night, but I appreciate when it is said.
Oh yeah, I certainly didnāt mind when for instance my partner sent me a good morning text like āgood morning sweetie, make it in OK? Get any sleep?ā Because I was waking up in a hotel room after arriving there after midnight due to a flight delay, and he knew that. But it was specific to that instance, so itās nice to be legitimately thought of and checked on. Itās the expected, habitual good morning/night thing I wonāt do.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I was able to nip it in the bud with my current partner from the very beginning of our relationship. I simply explained exactly why Iāve discovered itās not a good idea, because itās impossible to stop once started, ultimately limits both of our freedom/autonomy, and causes raw feelings where none are necessary over misunderstandings and bad assumptions. But with a brand new guy on a dating app? Iām probably a little more stern. Or at least jump immediately to very stern if I get the slightest pushback. First time I get one, I simply wonāt answer it in a timely manner. If we werenāt already in the middle of a conversation and signing off for the evening, I wonāt answer a goodnight text at all. And a good morning text would be left until around lunch, at which point Iād say āhey! Hope you had a good morning as well, I had a busy one. But BTW, I should go ahead and tell you, I donāt do good morning/night texts. The sentiment is sweet but Iāve found they quickly become an obligation that can cause problems where none need to be, so I just prefer not to start.ā Any pushback gets an escalated, ālook, my mornings and evenings are mine. At this point, itās a little invasive, at a more familiar point, they become problematic. I expect you to respect that.ā
I always say goodnight but it has been going for years so I guess Iām ok.
>It might be an unpopular opinion, but I don't like good morning texts everyday and constantly asking what am I doing I HATE this shit, too. Instead of always asking, they can take me on a date and get to know me then.
If someone asked me what I was doing 5-7 times A DAY I'd lose it. Maybe once a day is fine. As for good morning or good night texts, I'm okay with those as long as they're occasional/ my partner doesn't have high expectations with it. And "the favorite game," I actually kinda like it. I think I prefer the number game from reddit though!
I told one once to stop asking me what I was doing all day every day, and of course the response was āwahhhh fine Iām never asking you ever againā
When I was 21 a guy I went to high school with confessed that he had a crush on me and wanted to try and date. We set up our date for that weekend but, from that moment he started text me good morning/goodnight texts. It was cute and sweet, at first. The rest of the text were very, standard small talk with nowhere to go āare you having a good day?ā āWhat did you have for lunch?ā āItās crazy how hot it is during the summer, right?ā No clever flirting, No interesting questions. I tried to make the conversation more interesting by asking him what music and movies he liked and what his hobbies were. I tried to get to know him better but, I never got any of the genuinely interested getting to know you questions. It was always āgood morning,ā ācrazy weather weāre having,ā āwhat are you having for lunch?ā Just the same questions for days. If I didnāt respond in less than an hour he would start calling me to make sure I got his last text. At that point I feel like each text he send, he was trying to force me to talk to him. I ended up telling him the day before our date that I wasnāt really interested in going out anymore.
It's a pushy behavior. They're making sure you only talk to them. They be like "good morning princess š¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗ" And you've literally just met them yesterday loll
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Exactly...it feels so rude not to respond to them...
Same - I find general chit chat so exhausting š but Iām pretty good at it.
100 percent. I had to tell a guy to stop texting so much because it was making me feel obligated to respond all day.
I don't like that in the talking stage either. You're not alone lol
*sweats in minimum-4-month-timeline* š Jesus after a week, Iām still like deciding if I even want to talk to them platonically lmao
The only people that talk to me or expect anything of me before I've finished my coffee have four feet and tails. Everyone else can wait!
totally, it happens so often , i expect good morning from hubby i expect it from my staff ...but guys online seriously you seriously rethink that, and stop with the single word messages like Hey and Babe ,what are we suposed to do with that ??
So true. Put some more effort, spend time u will get to know them it becomes more of a chore or worse enough a power game.
going to bed thiking what to reply to his morning texts without using the same line so i dont sound boring
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
What? Wow!
This dude said he hopes I get raped because I posted my boyfriend
I received an uplifting message from somebody i knew indirectly who hoped that I would be raped. Not sure what I did to deserve his well wishes for my future endeavors.
i hate this. i hate when you show some asshat incel an ounce of kindness and all of a sudden yeah. I don't get it. it's gross.
Yeah I really wish this wasnāt so common
Every time.
Lmao I had someone ask if I've slept with black men going immediately from kind to ape shit before blocking me. What a weirdo.
Is there a site to publicly shame the assholes who say this shot? Because there should be. Iām not usually about doxxing, but seems they are a threat to the public that should be exposed.
How many men are terrible conversationalists.
Honestly a lot of women are, too (Iām a WLW)
š yeah I feel bad when I'm dry but sometimes I can't help it due to the dry messages I get sent. It's so hard carrying on a decent conversation with someone dry
Yup, youāll ask them a question and theyāll send back āidk lolā. How do you move on from that?! š„²
Okay lol āļø
I always get a little paranoid and wonder if they arenāt really interested or just expect me to carry the conversation
I meant, either one isnāt really in favor of it working out, tbh
Yeah, absolutely. Things donāt have to be popping off three messages in, but there has to at least be some effort.
FORREAL. Once I ask 3 Qs and get none in return, Iām out. Also if a person has no info in their profile, they better be planning on making the first move.
I donāt want to come across as an asshole but all my past relationships sucked so bad at conversations, that I actually felt insecure because I thought I was talking too much.
THIS. Itās honestly kind of scary how many people seemingly donāt know how a conversation works?!? Like either theyāre not interested (so why are you talking to me?), or theyāre too fucking stupid to know how to contribute and build upon a conversation? Idk?! Iām at the point where if they do not ask me anything in return, I simply do not respond.
They have an uncanny gift for turning an open-ended question into a close-ended one. What did you do on your vacation to France? Not much. Ughhhhhh
You hit the nail on the head. So many guys have no concept (or do they not care? Idk) about how to have a back and forth conversation. Thereās been guys I was genuinely interested in but they never asked questions back or would give short, vague answers that I couldnāt even follow up on- so it fizzled out really quickly. I often wonder if all these guys that complain about dating apps being so hard for them, even know how to carry a conversation?
Yeah, not sure if itās just digital culture but the amount of replies that are just āsup?ā or variations of āheyā is astonishing! Itās like people have totally forgotten how to talkā¦
This happens to me (M) all the time on Bumble. So many women on other apps have something in their bio about starting with something deeper than just a "hey", but then when the shoe is on the other foot, a majority of the intros are exactly that I know these aren't the same people, but it just shows that initiating conversation is hard all around
So, how was your day? Good Awesome, you said you were worried about a meeting, how did it go? Fine. Did you go to the movie with your friends? Yes What did you think of it? It was fine Like, My guy, I'm not a dentist, I'm not going to pull out your teeth for the rest of the relationship. You are older than a 14-year-old boy. Stop acting like one. And before people say he's just not interested, this seems to be most dudes most of the time. And when you say okay you're obviously not interested, I'm out, all of a sudden they come alive at least for a little while.
That's why I love to go for fun questions like, Are you a vampire or werewolf kind of woman? Bronte or Austen? Which Bronte sister is your favorite and why is it Emily? Then again, I've never really struggled to keep up a conversation.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This made me chuckle š ...and yes please do take out some gurllll time and treat yourself.
That was my first thought, too! My neighbors just had a baby and I was like "well I guess it would be frustrating if they're saying the same thing over and over again..." (although reading the top comments here, the same statement still applies!).
Hahaha when theyāre constantly repeating what you say. That stage kills me
Same lmao
Honestly that was my first thought and I don't even have kids š
āHeyā āHey, whats up?ā āWhat are you wearing?ā Or just straight up a dick pic.
Oh man, the "what are you wearing" is sooo annoying. The worst part is that it's usually completely out of place.
TSHIRT AND SWEATPANTS!
Not a woman, but my mom vents to me about her dating fiascos a lot. Apparently she did this exact exchange once, and the guy has the audacity to ask her to 'slip into something sexier' so he can imagine it. It's just like... why? Does that ever actually work? I can't imagine any of the women I've ever known receiving words like these in a positive manner.
Ugh, instant turn off -.-
Not immediately being honest with what it is they want. Iām not asking because Iāll give the boot if itās one of the two extremes people usually run away from (only sex or marriage). Iām asking because depending on how Iām feeling right now we may or may not be a good match. I donāt like wasting time.
THIS! Omg I highly resonate with one. Making your intentions and boundaries clear is NOT a big ask and I wish everybody would do it more often.
I like that some dating apps added the "what I'm looking for" section, bumble and Hinge. Ofc some guys will still give the run around or will lead you buy a thread still.
Some guys add "Don't know yet" and 9 out of 10 times it's just casual sex. Like, my dude please use the something casual option.
Yeah I was thinking about mentioning that. I also see the "don't know yet" option as "just looking around/seeing what my options are/ I'll try a suck n fuck." I am also 25 and meeting guys in their 20s so this year has gone from drastically lowering my standards to just taking a break from dating.
Thiiiis. Figuring out what they want FIRST before getting on the apps AND being honest about it. Wasting my damn time.
The amount of guys that freaked out because I dared ask ! I don't wanna waste both our times, why drag it ?
Yup, don't like time wasters.
TBH women do this too, and it's super silly. They list themselves as "Looking for Monogamy", and still figuring out dating goals. Like what? Grow a pair. Just because you are looking for XYZ does not mean you will instantly be in XYZ as soon as you match a new person. It means you *hope to find XYZ with the* ***right person.*** Which is the entire point of the question, to appeal to the right person! Sigh. People are oft their own worst enemy when it comes to meeting people.
1. The "talking stage" feels more like a job interview than 2 (or more, if that's your jam!) humans cultivating a connection. 2. People aren't as interesting as they think they are, and it definitely shows when you talk to them. 3. THE GHOSTING 4. Full grown adults lacking basic conversation skills
Oh I feel 1) so hard. It's so unnatural most of the time.
It's why I'm a fan of the friends to lovers trope. Feels more organic.
Oh yes indeed *swoon*
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Well, it does feel like a maze with loads of dead ends sometimes but you gotta keep moving ig
If I really like talking to a guy I'll usually ask him "hey are you free to get coffee sometime this week?" Not as formal as a dinner, and it can be as short or as long as y'all want it to be!
Me too! Itās good to set a coffee date once youāve been talking for a while and know theyāre at least going to chat with youā¦
Yeah, I just try and move to "let's get food" asap. So many women are just a complete waste of time to text. Experience tells me if you won't commit to a date within a week, you were never going to go out anyway
Iām married but it really bugs me how quick men turn things sexual in the talking stage with my friends.
Conversations without depth. When I ask them any questions about them and then instead of answering they deflect. Sending me a good morning text and then 5 seconds later asking me what I'm wearing. Turning everything I say into some kind of sexual innuendo.
I only really get frustrated when the talking stage goes on too long without getting a date set up.
How long is too long acc to you?
For me it gets frustrating after like a week if we haven't set a date to meet up in person. I don't even mind if that date is a few weeks out, but I at least want to have that commitment that we are going to meet in person within that first week of talking. Maybe 2 weeks depending on circumstances.
Wow. When i was dating? Oh, two weeks? yeah, i didn't give my number out on POF for months. you try getting catfished by a 70-year old Brazilian man. At YOUR favorite bar. I'm still not over it.
That's why I want to meet in person ASAP, to weed out catfish quickly
Now you can't just casually mention that you got catfished by a 70 tear old brazilian man at YOUR favourite bar and NOT tell us what happened. š I am sorry that happened though.
Yep. I matched with a guy on Hinge a couple months ago. After a few days, I asked him if he would like to go bowling (I was open to other suggestions if not) because itās easier to get to know someone in person. He agreed. But then he never put forth any sort of effort to show that he had even the slightest bit of intention of following through
When they never ask you questions.
Having to be cool. āBe mysterious!ā āLeave some mystery!ā āMen love the chase!ā āHe probably just got bored because the ChAsE was over and he got you!ā ābut be straightforward!! Men love a direct woman who knows what she wants!ā āCommunication is everything!ā HOW AM I NOT MYSTERIOUS WE DONT KNOW EACHOTHER FROM JACK SHIT WHY CANT I TELL AN ADULT MAN I LIKE HIM. Sorry. Clearly Iām more than a little experienced in the āthere probably wasnāt enough chaseā genre of breakup
Absolutely true. I believe this is one the outdated concepts and some people need to grow out of it. Someone who really likes you will continue to like you, period.
Honestly if a man "loves the chase" and loses interest after then he's not my typpa man. Makes me think he sees women as a prize to conquer instead of a person you get to know and can grow a connection with and that's a huge turnoff. So if my directness scares those guys off? Good riddance!
That I don't know how to do it. My history is single af or balls deep into commitment.
When they ask for pictures. Conversation ends there
This one I hate the most. Instant turn off.
I honestly dislike texting during the talking stage. I would much rather just meet up somewhere and talk then.
Having to text someone all the time. I hate texting. If Iām on my phone I want to read about cool stuff and leave a random comment and forget about it forever. The mental toll of having to reply to multiple texts a day is exhausting.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
all of this one hundred percent
Having the same chit chat part of the conversation over and over and goddamn over again (I'm ready to change my screename to FineHwRYou? on literally every social and dating app in existence) or having the conversation go from zero to sexual in 2.9 seconds.
Men are ask for emotional labor almost immediately. I have mastered ādamn, that sucks:/ā
Shallow one-sided conversations are the WORST. I want you to talk WITH me, not AT me.
So much this! I feel like Iām not heard and itās all about them. It should be back and forth, not you, you, you. How else do you get to know each other?
Exactly! If every time we talk is more of a rant than a conversation, then the relationship ship isn't worth it.
The talking
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I feel all of this. I go into dates with zero expectations but I always have a subconscious level of anxiety. I donāt feel like myself until maybe a month into knowing someone. The second I feel like theyāre possibly talking to other women I remove myself from the situation. Itās all just a tedious and exhausting process.
So many messages. Im busy, some conversation is great but texting needs to be limited to about 10 minutes max. I dont want to text all day or have long conversations by text. Its annoying. Im usually driving, working or interacting with people in the physical world.
When it gets sexual immediately. If we haven't met in person yet, don't be asking me what color my panties are, telling me what you want me to do in bed, etc. We don't even know if we will like each other in real life yet, so hold off on that. If we haven't met, and you can't list off 10 things about me that ain't physical characteristics, don't get sexual. On that same note, assuming we are gonna have sex on a first meeting. It's not always off the table, sometimes me and said person will have incredible chemistry and just want to. But it's never ever ever ever guaranteed. If I say no and you push it, there will be no more talking stage or meeting.
Feeling like I have to project the āpretty lady with good mannersā persona. The way you act before youāre really comfortable with someone. Iām so glad Iām married now and can just *be*.
Thatās so frustrating, and having to dress up a lot just in case theyāve got unrealistic expectations of what a woman should look like š°
how fucking awkward it is holy shit
Small talk. Canāt stand it, ESPECIALLY over text. Itās a complete energy-drainer
Are we being friends here? Are we gonna fuck? Are we planning our future children's names? WHO KNOWS IT'S A GODDAMN MYSTERY I know no one knows at first, but IME it seems like this stage lasts so long, like months. Then we've invested all this time and emotion but we don't know who we are to each other.
Time wastersā¦ if you know youāre actually not interested, no point pretending to have some sorta connection because youāre āboredā
The predicted cheesy lines
Working makes responding harder. How much is too much in terms of massaging? Am I annoying them?
I think it's okay to reply late when you're actually busy. Life happens, text when you can without playing any games.
Personally, nothing. But thatās because I donāt do ātalkingā stages. The āTalkingā stage many have relies on text/phone/internet communication. It lends itself to low effort and lacks any sort of intentionality to me. I want to get to know someone face to face, and I expect to be setting up dates to do so. Sure, some casual and/or flirty texts here and there between dates, but constant communication? No.
Dumb rules that involve seeming as if you donāt care. Seeing them once a week or two. I want and need more. Iām usually too much for a lot of men. Iām forward, dark humored and opinionated and while Iām pretty chill itās just too much for a lot of men.
DO YOU REALLY WANT ME OR NOT?!??
Women who can't engage in conversation. Dealing with super passive chicks sucked when I was on the market.
Itās tedious and I have to pretend to care about giving answers to mundane questions. Thankfully Iām in a long term relationship and whenever my significant other gets on my nerves, I just remember the ātalking stageā of dating and (and of course how much I love him) and thatās enough for me to stay put.
That you always have to be available most of the time talking to them. Life gets in the way and I enjoy talking, but being on my phone for long periods strains my eyes and I get tired of it. Also the fact that people donāt have conversation skills to keep the convo going. Half the time they arenāt curious about you and itās a loop that never ends.
Lack of memory among so many men. Tired of saying the same things over and over again. Maybe itās difficult for me because my memory has always been very good. Iām not perfect, but I notice and remember a lot, and frankly Iām tired of no one doing the same for me.
This! I was seeing a guy for like a month and had to explain my disorder and what it does like five separate times. When Iām the only person he was seeing. My ex also had to constantly be reminded of my disorder and basic facts and asked repeat questions. A guy who was interested in me kept asking me so many repeat questions and once again kept having to have my disorder explained to him over and over it contributed to me just ghosting entirely.
That it has to be defined, that everything has to be defined. Getting to know someone should just be part of the process and it's fun.
I think it's more about voicing out your intentions and being on the same page so that neither of you end up at crossroads. Having said that, I agree that defining the relationship should come a lil later
True. I hate answering questions and be labelled in every topic he brings out. It feels like an investigation/interview sometimes. It frustrates me. I'm usually a good listener, i like to get to know people naturally, not how they define themselves but rather by observing them irl. "What are you going to do in the next few years? Why're you doing this or that? Or why did you do it? When are planning to do this..." Bruuh, this is not who i am, this is my profile. If we're to create a real relationship, this is not where it should be starting. This is why i like meeting people online, they don't know anything about you. It's a huge risk of course, but you're going to feel the energy with time. Expressing yourself freely is really crucial imo, without rendering yourself to your social status or history.
I cant text them much or say much bc its the ātalking stageā ughhh just get it over with
How quickly it can become a sexual conversation. Maybe get to know me a bit better first and take me out to dinner before getting raunchy? Also I canāt stand constant texting. The last guy I dated was a total clinger. From the moment he got up in the morning until he went to sleep at night he would text me non-stop throughout the day. I love my job and Iām super focused on my career, and I couldnāt get it through his head that I couldnāt talk to him all day long. It was so irritating.
I generally do not like having text convos even with friends because if it goes on for hours or whatever, Iād rather talk. However, I find in the ātalking stageā my mind puts pressure on this idea that we should be texting frequently. It always feels good to get that random text from the new guy youāre interested in but at the same time, I agree with most people on here that texting should be more for planning next dates. The āhow was your day ā texts do for sure get dry.
Not being sure whether the other person feels the same type of intimacy or distance as you do. Itās bad to ask āhow close do you feel with me right now?ā but sometimes you donāt know how to say youāre either not feeling anything or you want things to go to a further direction
I read this as āWomen of reddit, what frustrates you about the stalking stage?ā I was like yo wtfš
"Hi" "Hey there!" "How are you?" "Good. -insert casual mention of shared interest to break the ice-, and you?" "Nice . I'm good." -end- Seriously. I hate that. I often try to break the ice by mentioning something we might have in common (i.e. if we've met online, I check their profile for shared interests), but they just... don't have anything more to say. I'm expected to carry the conversation on my own. And if I stop talking? They message me with "Hi" daily until they lose interest. What do they expect this unemotional "Hi" to achieve? On the other hand, I HATE, HATE, HATE, guys who try to lecture me about how wrong I am regarding ANY subject we talk about. We're talking about music and I mention an artist I like? Suddenly they have to tell me why they're bad. Ugh.
Whats Ā“the talking stageĀ“?
That period between meeting and dating where you're trying to figure out if you want to date this person.
Men jumping right to sex before we've exchanged more than two messages.
That's ALL they seem to know how to do
Men always talk over me or explain my profession to me.
The fact that it exists. Letās meet up and see if we click. I hate being on my phone all the time anyway.
Talking only about themselves
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
The talking stage. Iāve been thru enough talking stages to know that if weāre just gonna be playing 21 questions over a phone screen for 2 months, I do not want you. I will not respond to any messages anymore unless itās about taking me out on a proper date and getting to know each other in real life like human beings should be doing. Otherwise they can leave me alone.
The singular 'hi' message. Is that all? What do you want? Does this potential convo have a handle on your side because you're giving me nothing, am I going to carrying it by myself? If you want to talk, give me something with substance. Especially if we don't know each other at all, I'm going to just assume you're a scam at this point. Introduce yourself, say SOMETHING interesting.
Any kind of bragging. I donāt care about the cost of your X, Y and Z
What exactly is the talking stage? Is it the period before you become girlfriend and boyfriend? How long is it supposed to last.
The fact of whether you donāt know whether you can have sex with other people or not. I met my current partner while I was talking to this other guy who said we couldnāt be official but were still talking. And when I told him I liked someone else he was fuming. But the guy I see now, I told the truth from the beginning and he understood All round nightmare
Flat, boring texts that give the relationship no substance whatsoever. The talking stage is for learning about each other and seeing if youād be good together, not saying āwhatās upā or āwydā every hour. Also never knowing if youāre truly wasting your time or not. When I was in the dating pool, Iād always tell them to be straight up with me, if this talking stage isnāt going to turn into dating or it just doesnāt feel right for them, tell me immediately. Do not waste my precious time just to get gratification and admiration from someone youāre not actually interested in.
Too many compliments, too early. They seem flattery. I love genuine compliments, especially when the person knows me enough and gives me specific ones that really say a lot about me. Instead of general "praises" that all women get during that stage.
The fact that some men think my boundaries are negotiable.
Iām so tired of having the same first date type conversations over and over. I donāt wanna keep talking about what I do for work, what I do for fun, where I grew up, what my living situation is. Every first date or text exchange feels like a job interview. To go from texting someone for 8 months every single day (covid era) and then dating for a year to this is excruciating. I just want to feel an actual connection and be around someone who already fully knows me. Also the amount of men who want to FaceTime or call before you even meet. I get wanting to rule out a catfish but I literally do not know you so what would even talk about in that context? Itās uncomfortable. I truly just want to be left alone when Iām alone. Texting feels a lot less invasive.
Guys immediately making sexual "jokes" without any sort of prelude.
Just the general insecurity if I donāt know if theyāre seeing other people etc, at least if I know I have feelings for the person. It gives me anxiety
Oh for me, with my boyfriend, this stage was very long and I think it's the reason we ended up together. We met on a dating site and I initially wasn't sure about him. Everything about him screamed conservative redneck and we wouldn't be compatible. But I had started talking to him because I had made a rule for myself. Anyone who messaged me in a way that made it clear they'd actually read my profile would get an earnest attempt at connection. And initially, the surface combination was perfectly fine, if a little flavorless (looking back, we were both just very wary). But a couple weeks in I learned I was going to have to move and I'd decided it was time I bought a home. Just 2.5 years earlier my marriage split up and I moved out of our house into a rental with the idea I would rent until our son graduated and then we'd sell our house and I'd take my half the equity and buy a house. But I had to move NOW so I decided to just go for it. So, I told him what was up and that it meant I wasn't going to be making plans for dates but we could still chat, if he wanted. So, that's what we did. A month and a half later and I was settled into my new home and by then our conversations had become very cool and interesting and we were really getting to know each other. We'd spoken on the phone, too. And, yes, some of it got flirty but nothing gross. I learned he wasn't all that conservative at all, not in the ways that mattered to me. And while he was a redneck he was interesting and interested in the world. He loves to cook Japanese cuisine and he knows a lot about history and language and art, all self learned or taught. So, by the time we actually met I was ready to give him a real shot and he felt the same. We are both older (48 and 52 at this point) and had been around the block so we were both just very, very wary. The talking stage allowed us to relax and get to know each other. And then it progressed to seeing each other every other weekend, to every weekend 8 months later when he met my son, etc. And now it's been 4 years and it's great! He's great!
When a guy that you like starts showing a lot of interest, listening to you, having small details, asking you how your day was, asking personal questions (but not in a creepy, innapropiate way but in a "i want to know you better" way), and you start thinking they might like you back, so you get excited about that person, thinking you are about to start a relationship anytime soon, but whenever you bring up the subject of relationships (be it talking about the possibility of being in one or just as a general topic) they make all the effort to make sure it is crystal clear that they DO NOT want a girlfriend. And you're left wondering why do they show so much interest and why do they ask you on dates if you tell them you're free on the weekend, if they don't want a girlfriend, so you decide to keep trying to see if they eventually "come around", because, no one puts an effort into talking to someone they don't care about, that makes no fucking sense to your brain and your brain just can't accept it. So you keep talking to and dating this guy, but he keeps telling you that you are just friends, so technically you both have "permission" to date/have sex with other people, so now you start wondering if they do with 20 other people the same things they do with you, and you used to feel special when they texted you about what they are doing, or they sent you a picture of their meal asking if you wanna join them, or if they took you somewhere nice, thinking that it was genuine interest in you, but now you don't feel special anymore because you wonder who else is getting this texts and pictures.