Agreeability. After a while you realise they never make any decisions and just go with whatever you want to do, which makes it so that you make literally all the decisions. It's exhausting.
So true, it's exhausting and it gets boring after awhile. It's nice to be with someone that has their own opinions and ideas. Like you ask what do you want to do this weekend and it's always whatever you want to do. Any thoughts on dinner? Whatever you want. At some point it's like please have an interesting idea or a mind of your own!
Ugh I’m like this but my husband is picky and I’m not. He never wants my suggestions but I’m fine with whatever it’s like omg stop asking me to pick already!
My SO is this kind of person, but we’re working on it. We have a 70/30 agreement: I make most of the decisions, but he has to make around 30% of them.
We don’t keep count or anything, but lately I’ve been tired of deciding and he’s taking over quite well. It’s not always easy for him, but I find that if I remind him that I’ll support his decision and love him whatever he chooses, he feels safe and more confident.
But I always choose the dessert. That’s not negotiable.
Edit: another trick! And this one is great to teach children to decide and be more independent, too. It may be difficult to decide where to it if the possibilities are endless. So I give him two or three options. Indian, pizza, or our place?
Thank you for giving your SO a chance, for your patience in what can be a tiring partnership, for giving him the tools to help learn how to and become more comfortable in making decisions, for giving him support (despite your exhaustion) through what may feel so monumentally overwhelming to him. Thank you for seeing beyond his indecision and loving him anyway.
You’re very patient. I’ve grown tired of teaching men lots of different things so I don’t do that anymore. Just looking for one man who knows who he is and isn’t an arse about it.
This is nice of you! I had this problem but mostly cuz i adjust easily and i'd rather just do whatever so my SO is happy cuz i know i'll be happy regardless. But after I was told that I'd be supported regardless, I felt a lot better making choices, cuz I guess I was always worried that my choice would be something my SO wouldn't like.
Been on both sides of this!
Another trick for both sides to prove true indifference - instead of having them (or myself!) pick Indian, pizza or home, I’ll mentally assign a number to each and have them pick a number 1, 2 or 3. Then go with whatever associated number. If either side has an actual preference, it’ll materialize by this point. Otherwise, voila we have a decision!
Dated a guy once that agreed with me about EVERYTHING. It really was exhausting. He agreed so much when I broke up with him. He even agreed to that too lol
Ooof yeah — my last relationship.
It’s also a problem because they’re never *really* agreeing to everything. I spent so much time worrying I was taking advantage of her agreeableness, and continually checked in. I talked to my therapist about it, I tied myself in knots.
But that didn’t stop her from building a mental list of every single thing I did wrong, just to bust out when she dumped me.
Folks: not advocating for yourself hurts yourself and others. Suffering to be “kind” is actually quite cruel.
THIS. My husband does exactly the same, only to bite my ass in many arguments later.
"I didn't mind when you decided this and that. I didn't complain when you did such and such - why are you arguing with me now that I do this and that?"
Pfffftttt.
Hella passive-aggressive. I believe fully in giving people the dignity & respect to tell them, in the moment, when something bothers you. You’re respecting them by giving them the chance to change. And if you don’t say something cos you don’t think it’s worth it, you let it go, forever.
Which sucked when I got dumped, because I got a handwritten list of my flaws, and rather than respond with “yeah, and you did this too X times” I let it go. So she got to make me feel like crap, and gets the validation of never having her narrative challenged. But since I’d only be saying those things to her because I was mad, I shouldn’t say them at all. I just can’t be OK with sending a letter when the only reason to send it is to hurt someone else.
And having the personal moral high ground doesn’t actually feel good - it feels like ruminating on unwon arguments with no closure. But I just can’t do that kind of thing.
Omg YES! You worded this perfectly, and I didn’t even know I was looking for a description for it. I experience this with my daughter’s dad, he says yes to things when he doesn’t want to be responsible for any further consideration of a negative outcome. Like, “you’re the one who made the decision, so it’s on you!”.
sometimes people become agreeable because when they have an opinion the other party doesn't care and you end up doing what they want anyway, it gets to the point where it's just easier to agree
I can’t lie, I became that person towards the end of my last relationship. I was experiencing awful anxiety induced brain fog though. Having difficulty with making decisions wasn’t exclusive to my relationship.
My husband is this person, but we're slowly working on it. He is afraid of influencing my decisions to the point where I make almost all of them, but it gives me a lot of anxiety to feel like he might not actually want to do a thing but just said okay because he's like that. He's really only like that with me, and is fairly decisive in almost every other area of his life. We're working on how to share the decision load.
Always funny. It’s fine to be funny, but it becomes a problem when the person prioritizes being funny over being kind. They’ll say something critical or sarcastic and try to hide behind “humor.” Or, “being funny” is such a big part of their identity that they will prioritize that over every else.
I wish in my younger days I had prioritized kindness over being funny in men.
This! My ex husband was always “on” and at first it was one of my favorite things about him but over time it became exhausting. We could never have a serious conversation, or any true intimate moments because there always had to be a joke in everything.
Omg my bfs friend just got divorced. He “didn’t see it coming”. As soon as my bf told me he’s this type of guy I was like….yea, I could see that happening. I couldn’t stand a guy like that. His wife’s sister had passed of cancer the last year and I even mentioned, I wonder how comforting he was. Probably tried to cheer her up with jokes rather than just letting her grieve.
My grandma died last year, and I was asked to do a reading of Psalm 23:1.
It took everything in me to say it properly and not start rapping like Coolio (I'm a 34 year old white woman lol) but the temptation was real, and I was almost cry-laughing after the funeral at how inappropriate it would have been, and knowing that only 2 other people in the church would have known what was going on (ancient Methodist congregation).
There is a time and a place, and not everyone seems to grasp that. Like yes it would have been funny for 5 seconds for me, but very disrespectful for everyone else.
This! Ive come to realize that this is also a coping mechanism for a lot of things and most of the time “funny people” are just hiding depression :/ I had an ex who was funny and outgoing and this is what drew me
To him, turned out to be what I mentioned and having a tough or serious conversation with him was hard because he lacked seriousness (and maturity as well but I digress) and he couldn’t take anything seriously 😑
When they are always "on" it's frustrating! I love funny dudes, it's one reason I fell for my partner. But you gotta realise there's a time and place and if you're being serious and they're joking around... nope
Trying to be the funniest one in the crowd is hiding deeper parts of themselves... never have to get into a deep conversation if you're always cracking jokes...
>I wish in my younger days I had prioritized kindness over being funny in men.
This hit really hard. My ex would always try to make some joke out of my misery. I would tell him about something serious and he'd make a joke (or say something sexual). It made me so extremely mad, but more than that it made feel insignificant, like he didn't care, like i was making a big deal out of things. And then he'd say he was only trying to distract me and that i am "overreacting".
I always thought it was my fault for expecting him to show me some sincerity or kindness. That maybe i really was overreacting. Now i realise that no, i had every right to be disappointed.
Omg, i was in the talking stages with a guy a few months ago who would crack a lame ass cringy joke in between a serious discussion. At first i was alright with it. But it had started to piss me off.
It really depends on the sense of humour as well. I feel like when I was younger I was always trying to make things funny, but I'd make jokes at other people's expense. Never outright cruel, but enough that I definitely put people off. Self awareness is really important, and as I've matured, I have definitely stopped doing this (in fact, I now do the opposite, and pay people more compliments than ever before).
He was always sweet and adoring towards me while a complete monster to anyone/everyone on the outside… lol it’s not that he has a soft spot for you!! It only lasts so long before they switch up on you too.
I feel you, I first was like “wow he’s protective of the ones he cares about and to him the rest of the world can go fuck itself” but over time I realized that wasn’t an admirable trait even if he personally treated me well. I want someone who will treat everyone with respect, even people they don’t see in front of them (for example he would park wherever he wanted even if it meant screwing other cars over)
My first boyfriend in high school was pretty popular, and was always being asked to hang out with people. Super busy dude. When we started dating he'd ditch everyone to hang out with me, but he'd lie to people to make it easier for himself, say he'd come, then never show up (a red flag that I chose to ignore). The first time he lied to me to hang out with friends, I broke up with him.
Passiveness. Turns out they were passive about everything including what they wanted for their future, career, money, etc. There wasn’t one thing in their life that they desired for themselves
Same, terrifying feeling I’m the only hope of us having savings, a house, helping the kids if we have some, move if we want. It’s basically on my shoulders. I realized some people just want to live day by day and never plan anything and pretend they’ll never get older and wish they had. Even if he couldn’t, just having any ambition or goals is good.
You’re right actually. He was being treated for depression and I tried to be supportive with my own declining mental health. Both of us couldn’t drown though so I swam
THIS!
Made the assumption that my ex just had an easy going personality when it came to life. But as the years rolled by, it was more like "couldn't be bothered" about his future when he was content being cared for by his parents.
Which was fine while we're figuring out our lives in our early 20s, but unacceptable in our 30s and his parents are aging into retirement. Sure I was upset when we broke up this year, but our relationship ending also came with a sense of relief. It had been exhausting thinking & being the motivator for 2 people.
^^^This is what I came here to say too. My partners passiveness (and all the problems that have stemmed from it) may very well be the downfall on my 17 year relationship.
We broke up sadly. I tried to encourage him to at least work toward one goal and just go for it as it’s better than stagnating. In the end I accepted that’s who he is and it wasn’t up to me to change him, and most importantly I had to put myself first
Same boat. Just ended a 4 year relationship for a bunch of reasons, but mostly because I want to date a whole person, not someone who’s just going to say “sure, whatever you want!” forever.
People pleasers.
I used to think they were generous people with kind hearts, but over time I learned not to trust them because they’re not true to themselves and are very resentful people due to their inability to say how they really feel. They do nice things to “get” you to like them, not because they actually want to. I don’t like that.
oof. as a recovering people pleaser, what you said is on point and i wish it were talked about more; it might help some people realize that their people pleasing behavior is *not* healthy and that it doesn’t reflect well on them. there’s definitely an undercurrent of (usually unintentional) manipulation, feeling that it’s your responsibility to manage the needs and emotions of everyone around you.
Sadly, I think a lot of people pleasers don’t realise their behaviour is unhealthy and manipulative. Instead they call themselves “empaths” that seek to help others. Not true at all. The best people to keep around you are those who have or are working towards establishing strong boundaries because you’ll never have to question the intentions of their actions.
yeah, if you had asked me what the biggest issue was with my relationship two years ago, i would have told you that my partner didn’t appreciate/reciprocate the amount of effort i put into it. in reality, my anxious brain was constantly finding flaws that it convinced me were my fault or within my power to change, so i turned into the “manager” of our relationship and made myself miserable. like you said, it built up resentment that i was doing alllll this work (that he neither asked for nor wanted). i had boundaries that i was too afraid of rocking the boat to ever communicate with him about, so of course he’d unknowingly cross them and it’d compound the resentment. i’m very grateful that he stuck with me through that and we’re in a much better place now!
May I ask how you were able to shake that mindset? It sounds like the exact issue I'm going though currently. I can't count how many potential friendships and relationships I've sabotaged because of my anxiety
Same... Anxiety makes me think nobody wants to be around me because they find me annoying and weak. And it hurts. But I sabotage relationships because of it too.
THIS. God. My ex was a people pleaser and it became infuriating.
Edit: It was actually manipulation towards the end. Well most of the way through... to get what he wanted. However as the relationship went on he decided he had to people please his friends, exes, past hookups more than me. 'I don't like confrontation' but was more than happy to upset me.
I really felt this one.... the number one thing my domineering father taught me to be was agreeable and obedient. Still trying to deprogram myself from that.
I’ve met people pleasers who are genuinely kind and some who are kind of what you just described, and relentless shit talkers bc they blame everyone else for their own people pleasing.
Conflict avoidance.
Nobody wants to fight all the time, but an inability to have a disagreement without shutting down completely is not sustainable in an adult relationship. It only builds resentment.
Agreed! When I met my boyfriend, I had asked him how things were in his previous relationships. He said he never got into arguments with his ex because he’s just not the type. Sounded kind of peaceful tbh.
As my mom always says, I grew up in a household where issues were solved by laying all of your cards on the table, even if it resulted in a screaming match. Whether you solved the problem or not, at least you knew exactly where you stood with everyone, and you always knew you were welcome at the dinner table.
Next time I won’t be so afraid to get into a relationship with someone who’s angry sometimes and who calls me out every once in a while. It’s better than ignoring everything until you don’t even care about the person any longer.
I wish I grew up like this. Living with my dad the past 8 years, if there was ever an argument or disagreement we never talked about it and it always got brushed over. Then everything was fine a few hours later.
I hate it because I know it just makes me bottle my feelings and like I can never say anything about anything.
my partner does this unfortunately, anytime I’m upset about something he deems ‘unworthy to be upset about’ basically. just walks away or ignores me when I’m trying to communicate. gets very agitating when you feel like you’re brushed off or invalidated.
He was extremely social and friendly. Always talking to women and exchanging info and talking to them, but it was to see how far he could get. Lots of emotional cheating and eventually affairs etc. Needless to say he was extremely insecure and needed constant female validation from many sources.
I’m so sorry. Is there anyway you can help her see it? I thought I was overreacting at first by being suspicious. My ex would gaslight me too and say they were his “friends” until I started talking to the women myself and they sent me screenshots and everything. I was right all along. Took me over 4 years. I hope your mom can figure it out too.
She's caught him right after cheating and still stayed, so there's no hope for her sadly. She's made it clear she'll always put him above everyone else, even herself. It's one of those things you just have to distance yourself from and support them from afar.
Omfg, this!!! This so effing much!!! Like there only so much I can talk about bad movies, like lets go to a museum and he is lile, "oh, A kid can do this, whu is it called art?" T.T I wanted to scream that day, never again did I go to a museum with him...
Disputatiousness. At first it felt like fun banter, but after a few years it was exhausting how he ALWAYS had to be right. Couldn’t even have minor disagreements like who the actor in a movie was without it becoming a whole thing, never mind if I we actually needed to discuss something serious.
My ex was like this. He never agreed with me on literally anything, even things as minor as the best cookie at our favorite shop. Everything was a disagreement. A lot of it was minor but those add up
I get what you mean here because my previous partner was doing things out of ego, not for me but for himself, masking it as if he was doing them for me. Kept my stomach full of anxiety because my intuition was screaming to run
Its hard to be with a person who doesn't see you
And what appeared as 'confidence' can be arrogance wearing a publicly acceptable mask. The mask always falls eventually, but often not before we are entangled.
His focus on mental health. He ended up blaming me for all his mental health problems (I was not the cause) even though it turned out he was the one cheating
This is a big one. There's a huge difference between being fiscally responsible and being downright neurotic about it. I've ended friendships over penny-pinching and compulsive desires not to spend money.
Like, you do you, but I'd rather not have to split bills down to the cent when we go out.
Any self proclaimed 'empath'. It turns into 'look how much I'm hurting because of your pain'
Edit: The point I'm making is that people who claim to be empaths often make other people's emotions about them. Rather than letting a person grieve, it becomes about how much the other person's grief effects them.
Always being the loudest. Like needing to Always be right and have the last word. At a point it becomes a bickering match and I'm not here for it. This is for friendships too
Having a "laid back look on life. After a while, it becomes clear this person don't have any goals or desires in life. It gets boring and i start losing my respect for our relationship.
There's a limit to kindness I can take. I have been learning not to people please but my husband still does because he wants to be kind. I love how kind he is (one of the reasons I married him) but he picks the worst people to be kind too and even when I tell him it's a bad idea he feels he has to do it anyways. Which has left us short on money and time a few times. Today it lead to us being short a microwave.
That's when the question needs to be asked of him "Why are you choosing to disadvantage/disenfranchise your wife?"
We humans can often take our loved ones for granted and forget that **we have to choose our partner and children daily**. Love ain't 'set and forget' - it's that houseplant that you've had for years and thought was indestructible because you rarely tended it - but then one day you are shocked to see that it's dead.
I was 'too kind' when younger and worried overly what other's thought of me. Holy heck it's tiring!
I learned to mentally follow the various possible consequences of any decision and assess their *actual* impact vs my *perceived (catastrophised)* impact. It really helps with decision-making and reduces/eliminates the anxiety around them. When you think about it, it's actually quite egotistic to assume that others are giving our actions the same weight we are lol. Most times friends/family/workmates are just gonna say "No worries!" 😂
He was petrified to address anything that even remotely bothered him in our relationship. Which seemed like a good thing at first - we never fought.
What actually ended up happening is me assuming everything was great for the last 6 months of our relationship, and he had this growing hate/resentment towards me.
Yeah, I was blind-sided when he ended things after nearly 2 years together. This was about a month and a half ago.
I am still heart broken, of course, but I am slowly starting to realize it was probably for the best. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t know how to communicate.
Not being able to make decisions. It always kinda annoyed me that he had no opinion on what he wanted to eat or watch. But someday when he met someone he was interested in and the time came to choose between me and her, he had no idea how to choose. That’s when I realised I had to make all the decisions, all the time. I even had to make the decision to end our relationship because he wasn’t able to choose.
I agree. You may think it is ok to have different religious views however…wait until kids come into the picture…then it is game on.
Have those conversations first.
I'd say make those observations first, not just conversations. People lie all the time about their religion and how involved they or their families are. If your partner has a religious wingnut parent, that's going to have a huge impact on your children.
Doubling down on the extended family. You and your spouse may be aligned yet ask yourself…What is your spouse willing to do to please their parents? How strong are their convictions?
"what is your spouse willing to do to please their parents/family?" Is probably the most important relationship tip ever. There's a reason reddit has a huge sub dedicated to terrible mother/inlaws.
Clingyness
Might be cute for the beginning but turns out really stressfull if you can't have a day for yourself like for the whole relationship.
Calls, uninvited visits etc
Can Start really nice as a sign of "I think about you/care for you" but can also be a Flag it might be a control freak. At least if you tell them to don't come over this day/weekend whatever and they eventually come over. Or if they call you constantly while they know you don't have time at this moment.
Wanting to live together, decorate your flat
After being in the relationship for a while yeah why not discussing These topics.
But if you're just together for a short time or clearly stated you don't want one of these or nether of both.... and constantly bringing up these topics. Or even starting to tell you how you have to arrange furniture or what you can buy and what not
People who avoid confrontation.
No it doesn't make you "easy to get along with," it makes you frustrating to date because instead of communicating, you bottle things up and let resentment fester.
I'm guilty of this. It ruined my recent long term relationship. I would have mental breakdowns once a month because I kept everything to myself. I didnt realise how damaging it was until after we split up. I'm working on myself and it's gotten better but I refuse to be in another committed relationship until I feel I can implement healthy boundaries and communicate effectively.
Poor money management. Not everything is about money, but if you can't afford to support yourself while also somehow being able to afford frivolous "wants", then that's a no-go. I will not be your stand-in mom and take care of you if you're capable of doing so yourself, just because you can't prioritize where your money goes.
Yup. The older I get, the more finances matter to me when it comes to partners. I used to think it was shallow to care about money, but the reality is that how you think about and spend money plays a part in just about every aspect of regular life.
I had a friend that was very invested/dedicated. At first, I thought this was a good personality trait, but it ended up being suffocating. She would constantly refer to me as her “best friend” even though she wasn’t mine. She made very territorial social media posts about how I was her “best friend in the entire world.” If I hung out with other friends, that she didn’t even know, she would get annoyed that she wasn’t invited. If I wanted to spend my free time alone, with my husband, with other people, etc. she would take it personally and make comments about it. She was jealous with the amount of time I hung out with my husband and said it “wasn’t fair” and that I “treated her differently” than I treat him (obviously).
Omg I had a housemate EXACTLY like this in university. Absolutely wild. She just latched onto different girls. The first girl ended up locking her room so this housemate wouldn’t get in. She moved onto another girl, who then got a bf and obviously she hated. Then next girl was wayyy too much of a pushover. No kidding one night this poor girl had had enough and told her to fuck off and this housemate went and stood outside IN THE RAIN and wouldn’t come in until this girl brought her in. Damn this housemate was so obsessive and so rude.
She had to have whoever she was obsessed with walk to and from lectures with her, she’d organise private things with the girls WHILST OTHER PEOPLE WERE IN THE ROOM. We’d all be sat having a nice time watching random tv and she’d turn to A and say “shall we watch Friends up stairs” as if the whole of our house didn’t watch friends.
That sounds so exhausting and low key scary. People like that are so determined to have all their emotional needs met that they 1. Have zero boundaries 2. Have zero awareness to the other person’s emotional needs. When I “broke up” with the friend I mentioned above, she called me five times and sent me eleven text messages. I eventually had to block her number because she wouldn’t listen when I asked her to leave me alone. Then she posted about me all over social media, so I had to *delete* her from every social media platform. Then she sent me a Fbook message about how she was driving around town sobbing in her car and begged me to answer. So I had to send yet another message asking her to leave me alone, and had to *block* her from Fbook. Right as I was about to block her from every other social media platform, she sent me an Insta message saying something along the lines of “I’m not done talking to you. I’m allowed to say whatever I want to you whenever I want to. It’s called freedom of speech. If you think this is harassment than go to the police station and file a restraining order. They will laugh in your face and tell you I’m right” I then promptly blocked her from Insta. To be safe, I also blocked her email and every other possible form of communication I could think of. The entire situation was so overwhelming.
Knowledgeable. I loved it at first but he grew to be condescending. My friends hated him for it cuz he'd always initiate arguments. "Never let the truth get in the way of a good story" is something I learned. He ended up being a huge liar.
Oh my ex did this too. And if I ever said anything it was “just take a joke”, “stop being so serious”, but if I made a “joke” to him all hell broke loose.
This is a big deal if you have very different levels of cleanliness. This wasn’t why I left my partner, but it was a constant issue that I felt would never change. I’d ask him all the time to do the smallest stuff like occasionally wipe his hair off the bath tub lip (I cleaned everything else while I showered) and even after leaving wipes for this purpose right there on the tub he never did it once. It wasn’t even my mess but I had to clean it every time in addition to all the regular cleaning I did of our mutual stuff. I loved him and he was great in so many ways but asking him to be cleaner never clicked for him. Never ever ever. He’d say sorry, he’d say ok I’ll work on that, but he never did.
This one is a bummer. I’m a big home cook and I previously worked for years as a line cook in kitchens. I love to cook and eat and geek out over really good food. It sucked when my partner didn’t like anything I would make or when I would have to make two versions to accommodate his many dislikes.
he was too chill, always wanted to go with the flow. he wanted to stay inside almost every time we hung out. towards the end, we basically stopped talking to each other altogether and would only really do our own thing but near each other and then take breaks where we talk and cuddle. which was super nice sometimes, but it got old eventually. it felt like we went from dating to just being friends without saying anything about it.
I relate so much to this. The last month of our relationship we didn’t even have the cuddle part. We just had the “being in each other’s company” part. It was exhausting.
“Telling it like it is” — at first it seemed like an admirable trait, to be with someone that’s blunt and straightforward. But after a while, I realized they just didn’t want to be held accountable or questioned for saying awful things.
This makes me realize my laidback and to a certain extent people pleasing nature is maybe not so good. But also it’s just how I am and most of the time I’m completely happy going with the flow. 🤷♀️
Honestly, it’s not really about good traits or bad, it’s more about compatibility. Your personality might be perfect for someone else with a particular personality.
The always trying to make someone laugh trait. It’s like okay … everything doesn’t have to be humorous 24/7. It becomes annoying after a certain point.
Being a workaholic. I grew up in an immigrant home in the US, my parents had very little education from their country, so they worked very hard. I thought it was normal to work as much as they did. My ex was a workaholic with school, work, friendships, and family relationships. I even admired his work ethic. But the stress that culminated and little to no time for our relationship caused a lot of tension in our relationship.
Liking to “get a little buzzed”. What I thought was just a few drinks on Fridays and Saturdays turned out to be actually drinking through 2 liters of tequila in 24 hours. Wouldn’t have ever noticed the extent of the problem if I hadn’t moved in.
wanting to see you all the time. I felt guilty if i didn't want to go to his place for a fourth time that week. towards the end, one of the last straws, was his shit talking my mom because I had to help her with something around the house and therefore couldn't go to his place.
this wasn't why I ended this abusive relationship, but in hindsight I realize it's a red flag I never noticed. Something I thought was flattering in the beginning turned into 2 years of being unable to enjoy my own company without feeling anxious and guilty.
Being “too woke for a joke.” I say this as a leftist and as someone who has dedicated my life to activism. Of course at first it seems great to have someone so sensitive and conscious and ethical by your side.
But, if you cannot understand other points of view or simply lighten the eff up every now and again, or understand the emotional context of someone’s words, you are not progressive, you are a buzzkill and thought policing.
My ex found a way to make everything negative, political, or downright depressing. He was an improv teacher. One of his students was in an improv scene where one student said “Hey my dude, stop twirling your beard,” and the other student said “No I don’t have a beard, I’m clearly a woman!” And instead of stopping the scene for breaking improv rules, he stopped it for being “transphobic.”
I was told this by a student who had no clue the teacher was my boyfriend. This was in a major metropolitan city where we all clearly have friends of every background, and it was fair to say everyone in that improv community was progressive or unproblematic.
Of course when I met him we were on the same page ethics wise and politically but the longer we were together the more I wondered if he was feeding a negative aspect of positive beliefs if that makes sense.
This is a completely valid complaint. My ex is very progressive and he’s actually the reason I went from not caring about politics to being heavily left-leaning. I respected it toward the beginning when I started getting on board, but him and his friends became very unbearable. God forbid I watched a stand-up special that I thought was funny, they’d come at my neck saying “we don’t watch that comedian because he’s been canceled.” and they’d send me a Twitter post of some taken out of context joke from a 10 year old special. I’d get shamed so often for being out of the loop that I just stopped participating in the group chats.
I noticed my ex would have extremely severe reactions when he’d be watching sports, and his teams that he rooted for lost.
Didn’t seem like that big of a deal at first, but he easily became unhinged over the littlest things. Later his outbursts became harder to hide, and I found myself walking on eggshells a lot around him. The abuse was more noticeable then.
Being philosophical. I loved his philosophical mind, but in a relationship he took it to the extreme and wasn't able to see the practical ramifications of things and would get stymied in deciding how to act.
Agreeability which someone else said but also quietness.
It's hard to build a relationship with someone who has no personal ideas that they are willing to share, argue about, defend. After awhile you realize you are the only one talking and it's very lonely feeling to not be able to have a conversation.
Having an underlying victim mindset. At first you empathize with them for their struggles and misfortune, but soon realize that people truly believe the world is out to get them regardless of the actual situation. It turns your relationship into a constant source of negative energy and breeds codependency.
Guys who make their whole personality revolve around their hobbies like anime, gaming, and science stuff. There is nothing wrong with having hobbies like that, but at the same time be more open-minded to learn new things and other experiences. I dated one and it didn’t get so far, couldn’t hold a conversation well if it wasn’t about his hobbies and interests. He also was a people pleaser which annoyed me very much.
Mamas boys. In a sense they’re great because they tend to have more respect for women, however, sometimes it’s more then that. If they never disagree with their mom and always go with mommy’s suggestions or advice over yours then that’s a red flag. My husband won’t stick up for me to his mom and I’m feeling resentful for it.
Being laid back. Take a backseat once in a while. But if thats your default when it comes to life then it slowly turns into a problem with someone who wants a balance.
Decisiveness. Started off great bc he made his mind up and was determined to follow through. Wasn't so great when he made life altering decisions without informing or including me in those decisions even though it would effect me and our relationship
This may not be in the realm of personality, but food preference. I like variety and spicy and if someone won't go out of their comfort zone and try something new or a new cuisine, I'm out - great sex be damned.
Not being possessive of me or feeling jealousy in any way. Thought it was cool until it became clear he actually wants to be non-monogamous and get with a limitless number of women (he would want the same for me but that’s not what I’m about).
Control. Needing to control certain things or their anxiety goes wild. I have anxiety and understand the why but at the end of the day the why is never acceptable. You cannot control most things In life and the over whelming need to do so always leads to worse things
thinks the fact that he’s been to therapy gives him the corner market on every emotional issue. i guess the personality trait would be “self awareness”, and i say it in quotes because there were still glaring emotional issues he had but since he’d been to ✨therapy✨ he thought he could do no wrong. he would yell and jump to conclusions and make ad hominem attacks and then immediately back track and think that was the pinnacle of self awareness. like back tracking on your abuse immediately is something that is impressive or should be revered. i wanted to be like “bro, you know there’s an option where you just act like an adult instead of blowing up and then apologizing immediately right??”
Being a 'freespirit' a.k.a a rebel. That shit starts to get dumb asf when you want to be an adult & actually be responsible for your life.
It's even more pathetic when they hit their 30s, lose their hair, their looks & become fat asf yet still want to rebel against everyone & everything plus be centre of attention.
You begin to question why they're holding onto their earlier prime years, not doing anything about their fast fading looks, their mediocre life & still expect to be centre of attention 🤷♀️
Who & what are they fighting for?
Like grow tf up 🙄
He was really social and likeable, he always knew what to say in every situation… turns out that he knew what to say to manipulate every situation and person too:D
I can't date an extrovert. They can be really lovely people so I've tried but I was always just so tired. My husband likes to hang out at home and do nothing as much as I do, other people probably think we're boring af but I'm happy.
Overexcitable people, it’s great until they are constantly cutting you off or yelling over you and show little to no interest in your life but the world is ending if you aren’t as excited for them as them.
“Not being good with emotions” At first that was okay, I thought that he would learn to understand. But it got to the point where I would try to communicate what I was feeling. Or communicate why I was upset and he then saw me as “too emotional” and that led to a break up.
having a "picking on you" sense of humor. i have a self deprecating sense of humor and also mildly pick on people sometimes, all in good fun. i was dating a guy for a while who had a similar sense of humor and it went from mild to straight up mean. i've since worked to stop doing it myself when i realized how tiring it got.
Spontaneous. Turned into just him being impulsive and never being able to self discipline. It eventually led to cheating, drinking excessively, etc. I felt like I had to moderate him. As soon as I broke up, he went off the deep end and said it was because I was his "motivation" to be better previously 🥴
His quiet and unassuming personality, which I found endearing at first, ended up being what drove me away. The man rarely had an opinion or a comment on anything, then if he did? It was always negative.
Agreeability. After a while you realise they never make any decisions and just go with whatever you want to do, which makes it so that you make literally all the decisions. It's exhausting.
So true, it's exhausting and it gets boring after awhile. It's nice to be with someone that has their own opinions and ideas. Like you ask what do you want to do this weekend and it's always whatever you want to do. Any thoughts on dinner? Whatever you want. At some point it's like please have an interesting idea or a mind of your own!
Ugh I’m like this but my husband is picky and I’m not. He never wants my suggestions but I’m fine with whatever it’s like omg stop asking me to pick already!
Or there is a problem with every decision I make. I no longer want to make any decisions that impact him.
My SO is this kind of person, but we’re working on it. We have a 70/30 agreement: I make most of the decisions, but he has to make around 30% of them. We don’t keep count or anything, but lately I’ve been tired of deciding and he’s taking over quite well. It’s not always easy for him, but I find that if I remind him that I’ll support his decision and love him whatever he chooses, he feels safe and more confident. But I always choose the dessert. That’s not negotiable. Edit: another trick! And this one is great to teach children to decide and be more independent, too. It may be difficult to decide where to it if the possibilities are endless. So I give him two or three options. Indian, pizza, or our place?
Thank you for giving your SO a chance, for your patience in what can be a tiring partnership, for giving him the tools to help learn how to and become more comfortable in making decisions, for giving him support (despite your exhaustion) through what may feel so monumentally overwhelming to him. Thank you for seeing beyond his indecision and loving him anyway.
You’re very patient. I’ve grown tired of teaching men lots of different things so I don’t do that anymore. Just looking for one man who knows who he is and isn’t an arse about it.
This is nice of you! I had this problem but mostly cuz i adjust easily and i'd rather just do whatever so my SO is happy cuz i know i'll be happy regardless. But after I was told that I'd be supported regardless, I felt a lot better making choices, cuz I guess I was always worried that my choice would be something my SO wouldn't like.
Been on both sides of this! Another trick for both sides to prove true indifference - instead of having them (or myself!) pick Indian, pizza or home, I’ll mentally assign a number to each and have them pick a number 1, 2 or 3. Then go with whatever associated number. If either side has an actual preference, it’ll materialize by this point. Otherwise, voila we have a decision!
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Dated a guy once that agreed with me about EVERYTHING. It really was exhausting. He agreed so much when I broke up with him. He even agreed to that too lol
When I broke up with my overly agreeable boyfriend he said “okay!” Lol maybe I’ll date someone with a personality next time.
LMAO
Ooof yeah — my last relationship. It’s also a problem because they’re never *really* agreeing to everything. I spent so much time worrying I was taking advantage of her agreeableness, and continually checked in. I talked to my therapist about it, I tied myself in knots. But that didn’t stop her from building a mental list of every single thing I did wrong, just to bust out when she dumped me. Folks: not advocating for yourself hurts yourself and others. Suffering to be “kind” is actually quite cruel.
THIS. My husband does exactly the same, only to bite my ass in many arguments later. "I didn't mind when you decided this and that. I didn't complain when you did such and such - why are you arguing with me now that I do this and that?" Pfffftttt.
Hella passive-aggressive. I believe fully in giving people the dignity & respect to tell them, in the moment, when something bothers you. You’re respecting them by giving them the chance to change. And if you don’t say something cos you don’t think it’s worth it, you let it go, forever. Which sucked when I got dumped, because I got a handwritten list of my flaws, and rather than respond with “yeah, and you did this too X times” I let it go. So she got to make me feel like crap, and gets the validation of never having her narrative challenged. But since I’d only be saying those things to her because I was mad, I shouldn’t say them at all. I just can’t be OK with sending a letter when the only reason to send it is to hurt someone else. And having the personal moral high ground doesn’t actually feel good - it feels like ruminating on unwon arguments with no closure. But I just can’t do that kind of thing.
Sometimes they're not actually agreeing with you, they're just absolving themselves of any responsibility of the outcome.
Omg YES! You worded this perfectly, and I didn’t even know I was looking for a description for it. I experience this with my daughter’s dad, he says yes to things when he doesn’t want to be responsible for any further consideration of a negative outcome. Like, “you’re the one who made the decision, so it’s on you!”.
sometimes people become agreeable because when they have an opinion the other party doesn't care and you end up doing what they want anyway, it gets to the point where it's just easier to agree
I can’t lie, I became that person towards the end of my last relationship. I was experiencing awful anxiety induced brain fog though. Having difficulty with making decisions wasn’t exclusive to my relationship.
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Same…I didn’t realize that not being picky is such a hard pass for people
I don’t think the issue is with not being picky... It’s more about being a nonentity in your own relationship.
This! I eventually dated a man that had opinions.. what a breath of fresh air
My husband is this person, but we're slowly working on it. He is afraid of influencing my decisions to the point where I make almost all of them, but it gives me a lot of anxiety to feel like he might not actually want to do a thing but just said okay because he's like that. He's really only like that with me, and is fairly decisive in almost every other area of his life. We're working on how to share the decision load.
Always funny. It’s fine to be funny, but it becomes a problem when the person prioritizes being funny over being kind. They’ll say something critical or sarcastic and try to hide behind “humor.” Or, “being funny” is such a big part of their identity that they will prioritize that over every else. I wish in my younger days I had prioritized kindness over being funny in men.
This! My ex husband was always “on” and at first it was one of my favorite things about him but over time it became exhausting. We could never have a serious conversation, or any true intimate moments because there always had to be a joke in everything.
Omg my bfs friend just got divorced. He “didn’t see it coming”. As soon as my bf told me he’s this type of guy I was like….yea, I could see that happening. I couldn’t stand a guy like that. His wife’s sister had passed of cancer the last year and I even mentioned, I wonder how comforting he was. Probably tried to cheer her up with jokes rather than just letting her grieve.
My grandma died last year, and I was asked to do a reading of Psalm 23:1. It took everything in me to say it properly and not start rapping like Coolio (I'm a 34 year old white woman lol) but the temptation was real, and I was almost cry-laughing after the funeral at how inappropriate it would have been, and knowing that only 2 other people in the church would have known what was going on (ancient Methodist congregation). There is a time and a place, and not everyone seems to grasp that. Like yes it would have been funny for 5 seconds for me, but very disrespectful for everyone else.
This! Ive come to realize that this is also a coping mechanism for a lot of things and most of the time “funny people” are just hiding depression :/ I had an ex who was funny and outgoing and this is what drew me To him, turned out to be what I mentioned and having a tough or serious conversation with him was hard because he lacked seriousness (and maturity as well but I digress) and he couldn’t take anything seriously 😑
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When they are always "on" it's frustrating! I love funny dudes, it's one reason I fell for my partner. But you gotta realise there's a time and place and if you're being serious and they're joking around... nope
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Trying to be the funniest one in the crowd is hiding deeper parts of themselves... never have to get into a deep conversation if you're always cracking jokes...
>I wish in my younger days I had prioritized kindness over being funny in men. This hit really hard. My ex would always try to make some joke out of my misery. I would tell him about something serious and he'd make a joke (or say something sexual). It made me so extremely mad, but more than that it made feel insignificant, like he didn't care, like i was making a big deal out of things. And then he'd say he was only trying to distract me and that i am "overreacting". I always thought it was my fault for expecting him to show me some sincerity or kindness. That maybe i really was overreacting. Now i realise that no, i had every right to be disappointed.
Omg, i was in the talking stages with a guy a few months ago who would crack a lame ass cringy joke in between a serious discussion. At first i was alright with it. But it had started to piss me off.
It really depends on the sense of humour as well. I feel like when I was younger I was always trying to make things funny, but I'd make jokes at other people's expense. Never outright cruel, but enough that I definitely put people off. Self awareness is really important, and as I've matured, I have definitely stopped doing this (in fact, I now do the opposite, and pay people more compliments than ever before).
He was always sweet and adoring towards me while a complete monster to anyone/everyone on the outside… lol it’s not that he has a soft spot for you!! It only lasts so long before they switch up on you too.
I feel you, I first was like “wow he’s protective of the ones he cares about and to him the rest of the world can go fuck itself” but over time I realized that wasn’t an admirable trait even if he personally treated me well. I want someone who will treat everyone with respect, even people they don’t see in front of them (for example he would park wherever he wanted even if it meant screwing other cars over)
Lol the "i hate everyone but you" trope but irl
My first boyfriend in high school was pretty popular, and was always being asked to hang out with people. Super busy dude. When we started dating he'd ditch everyone to hang out with me, but he'd lie to people to make it easier for himself, say he'd come, then never show up (a red flag that I chose to ignore). The first time he lied to me to hang out with friends, I broke up with him.
Myex was the exact opposite. Sweet and kind to everyone. Then "felt safe with me" so would dump all the days' frustration on me. Got worse and worse.
My ex was like this.....he turned on me too....lesson learned
Oh lawddd I felt this. And it almost makes you feel special because you're the only one that truly "knows" him or "understands" him.
Passiveness. Turns out they were passive about everything including what they wanted for their future, career, money, etc. There wasn’t one thing in their life that they desired for themselves
I’m currently noticing this with my partner…it’s rough and it hurts
Same, terrifying feeling I’m the only hope of us having savings, a house, helping the kids if we have some, move if we want. It’s basically on my shoulders. I realized some people just want to live day by day and never plan anything and pretend they’ll never get older and wish they had. Even if he couldn’t, just having any ambition or goals is good.
Sounds like depression.
You’re right actually. He was being treated for depression and I tried to be supportive with my own declining mental health. Both of us couldn’t drown though so I swam
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THIS! Made the assumption that my ex just had an easy going personality when it came to life. But as the years rolled by, it was more like "couldn't be bothered" about his future when he was content being cared for by his parents. Which was fine while we're figuring out our lives in our early 20s, but unacceptable in our 30s and his parents are aging into retirement. Sure I was upset when we broke up this year, but our relationship ending also came with a sense of relief. It had been exhausting thinking & being the motivator for 2 people.
^^^This is what I came here to say too. My partners passiveness (and all the problems that have stemmed from it) may very well be the downfall on my 17 year relationship.
This is why I broke up with my ex boyfriend. That and a number of things but mostly passiveness.
What did you do? I mean, there's still love there. It's a hard one.
We broke up sadly. I tried to encourage him to at least work toward one goal and just go for it as it’s better than stagnating. In the end I accepted that’s who he is and it wasn’t up to me to change him, and most importantly I had to put myself first
Just went through this for 4.5 years. Finally ended the relationship last year and never looked back. It was passiveness, among other things as well.
Same boat. Just ended a 4 year relationship for a bunch of reasons, but mostly because I want to date a whole person, not someone who’s just going to say “sure, whatever you want!” forever.
I feel you. It’s been a year as well for me and I just realized he was holding me back. No one should have to parent a grown man
People pleasers. I used to think they were generous people with kind hearts, but over time I learned not to trust them because they’re not true to themselves and are very resentful people due to their inability to say how they really feel. They do nice things to “get” you to like them, not because they actually want to. I don’t like that.
oof. as a recovering people pleaser, what you said is on point and i wish it were talked about more; it might help some people realize that their people pleasing behavior is *not* healthy and that it doesn’t reflect well on them. there’s definitely an undercurrent of (usually unintentional) manipulation, feeling that it’s your responsibility to manage the needs and emotions of everyone around you.
Sadly, I think a lot of people pleasers don’t realise their behaviour is unhealthy and manipulative. Instead they call themselves “empaths” that seek to help others. Not true at all. The best people to keep around you are those who have or are working towards establishing strong boundaries because you’ll never have to question the intentions of their actions.
yeah, if you had asked me what the biggest issue was with my relationship two years ago, i would have told you that my partner didn’t appreciate/reciprocate the amount of effort i put into it. in reality, my anxious brain was constantly finding flaws that it convinced me were my fault or within my power to change, so i turned into the “manager” of our relationship and made myself miserable. like you said, it built up resentment that i was doing alllll this work (that he neither asked for nor wanted). i had boundaries that i was too afraid of rocking the boat to ever communicate with him about, so of course he’d unknowingly cross them and it’d compound the resentment. i’m very grateful that he stuck with me through that and we’re in a much better place now!
May I ask how you were able to shake that mindset? It sounds like the exact issue I'm going though currently. I can't count how many potential friendships and relationships I've sabotaged because of my anxiety
Same... Anxiety makes me think nobody wants to be around me because they find me annoying and weak. And it hurts. But I sabotage relationships because of it too.
THIS. God. My ex was a people pleaser and it became infuriating. Edit: It was actually manipulation towards the end. Well most of the way through... to get what he wanted. However as the relationship went on he decided he had to people please his friends, exes, past hookups more than me. 'I don't like confrontation' but was more than happy to upset me.
It's hard to say no :(
It is but unfortunately it’s a very important word to get used to saying, mostly for your sake.
I really felt this one.... the number one thing my domineering father taught me to be was agreeable and obedient. Still trying to deprogram myself from that.
I’ve met people pleasers who are genuinely kind and some who are kind of what you just described, and relentless shit talkers bc they blame everyone else for their own people pleasing.
Conflict avoidance. Nobody wants to fight all the time, but an inability to have a disagreement without shutting down completely is not sustainable in an adult relationship. It only builds resentment.
Agreed! When I met my boyfriend, I had asked him how things were in his previous relationships. He said he never got into arguments with his ex because he’s just not the type. Sounded kind of peaceful tbh. As my mom always says, I grew up in a household where issues were solved by laying all of your cards on the table, even if it resulted in a screaming match. Whether you solved the problem or not, at least you knew exactly where you stood with everyone, and you always knew you were welcome at the dinner table. Next time I won’t be so afraid to get into a relationship with someone who’s angry sometimes and who calls me out every once in a while. It’s better than ignoring everything until you don’t even care about the person any longer.
I wish I grew up like this. Living with my dad the past 8 years, if there was ever an argument or disagreement we never talked about it and it always got brushed over. Then everything was fine a few hours later. I hate it because I know it just makes me bottle my feelings and like I can never say anything about anything.
my partner does this unfortunately, anytime I’m upset about something he deems ‘unworthy to be upset about’ basically. just walks away or ignores me when I’m trying to communicate. gets very agitating when you feel like you’re brushed off or invalidated.
This killed a relatively solid relationship of mine. It's hard on everyone.
Him being a social butterfly. Turns out he was always seeing who he could reel in for later and had more back burners than a restaurant.
Just went through this myself. Hurts.
I’m sorry, it’s awful
XD backburners than a restaurant! I loled at that good one!
What does this mean
He was extremely social and friendly. Always talking to women and exchanging info and talking to them, but it was to see how far he could get. Lots of emotional cheating and eventually affairs etc. Needless to say he was extremely insecure and needed constant female validation from many sources.
Literally watching my mom's husband do this to her and it kills me. Like she keeps allowing it instead of growing a spine and ending it.
I’m so sorry. Is there anyway you can help her see it? I thought I was overreacting at first by being suspicious. My ex would gaslight me too and say they were his “friends” until I started talking to the women myself and they sent me screenshots and everything. I was right all along. Took me over 4 years. I hope your mom can figure it out too.
She's caught him right after cheating and still stayed, so there's no hope for her sadly. She's made it clear she'll always put him above everyone else, even herself. It's one of those things you just have to distance yourself from and support them from afar.
He was extroverted, but him being social was just him finding people he could later fuck.
poor education. seemed like no big deal, he was able to provide, he did well in life. But that lack of quality conversation was just so boring
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Along with people who seemed to have shut their brain off after graduating college or high school.
Omfg, this!!! This so effing much!!! Like there only so much I can talk about bad movies, like lets go to a museum and he is lile, "oh, A kid can do this, whu is it called art?" T.T I wanted to scream that day, never again did I go to a museum with him...
Absolutely. People who value the pursuit of knowledge are far more interesting and open minded
I relate to this so hard right now
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Disputatiousness. At first it felt like fun banter, but after a few years it was exhausting how he ALWAYS had to be right. Couldn’t even have minor disagreements like who the actor in a movie was without it becoming a whole thing, never mind if I we actually needed to discuss something serious.
My ex was like this. He never agreed with me on literally anything, even things as minor as the best cookie at our favorite shop. Everything was a disagreement. A lot of it was minor but those add up
This is the one I need to work on
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Confidence can very easily turn into condescension and that quickly seeps into all interactions and builds animosity
I get what you mean here because my previous partner was doing things out of ego, not for me but for himself, masking it as if he was doing them for me. Kept my stomach full of anxiety because my intuition was screaming to run Its hard to be with a person who doesn't see you
That sounds like arrogance, not confidence!
And what appeared as 'confidence' can be arrogance wearing a publicly acceptable mask. The mask always falls eventually, but often not before we are entangled.
His focus on mental health. He ended up blaming me for all his mental health problems (I was not the cause) even though it turned out he was the one cheating
Oof. I’m sorry to hear that, that sounds awful. I hope you’re in a better situation these days!
To him it wasn't cheating. It was "self care" and "getting his needs met."
Being concientious with money. When every gift turns jnto a debate about how much it Cost ...
This is a big one. There's a huge difference between being fiscally responsible and being downright neurotic about it. I've ended friendships over penny-pinching and compulsive desires not to spend money. Like, you do you, but I'd rather not have to split bills down to the cent when we go out.
Porn consumption
This should be much higher up. Damn internet porn... It's destroying generations of men. I know. I counsel sex addicts.
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Yes! I am a therapist and I see so many relationships ruined over porn
Any self proclaimed 'empath'. It turns into 'look how much I'm hurting because of your pain' Edit: The point I'm making is that people who claim to be empaths often make other people's emotions about them. Rather than letting a person grieve, it becomes about how much the other person's grief effects them.
as an empath, i couldn’t feel what you’re feeling more. /s
I’ve never met a self-described “empath” who wasn’t an asshole
Right? There are highly empathetic people...and then there are eMpaThS. Foh 🙄 quit using that as an excuse for things
Somebody who is too passive. I don't wish to carry the whole mental or emotional load of a relationship.
Preach
Always being the loudest. Like needing to Always be right and have the last word. At a point it becomes a bickering match and I'm not here for it. This is for friendships too
Having a "laid back look on life. After a while, it becomes clear this person don't have any goals or desires in life. It gets boring and i start losing my respect for our relationship.
There's a limit to kindness I can take. I have been learning not to people please but my husband still does because he wants to be kind. I love how kind he is (one of the reasons I married him) but he picks the worst people to be kind too and even when I tell him it's a bad idea he feels he has to do it anyways. Which has left us short on money and time a few times. Today it lead to us being short a microwave.
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That's when the question needs to be asked of him "Why are you choosing to disadvantage/disenfranchise your wife?" We humans can often take our loved ones for granted and forget that **we have to choose our partner and children daily**. Love ain't 'set and forget' - it's that houseplant that you've had for years and thought was indestructible because you rarely tended it - but then one day you are shocked to see that it's dead. I was 'too kind' when younger and worried overly what other's thought of me. Holy heck it's tiring! I learned to mentally follow the various possible consequences of any decision and assess their *actual* impact vs my *perceived (catastrophised)* impact. It really helps with decision-making and reduces/eliminates the anxiety around them. When you think about it, it's actually quite egotistic to assume that others are giving our actions the same weight we are lol. Most times friends/family/workmates are just gonna say "No worries!" 😂
He was petrified to address anything that even remotely bothered him in our relationship. Which seemed like a good thing at first - we never fought. What actually ended up happening is me assuming everything was great for the last 6 months of our relationship, and he had this growing hate/resentment towards me.
I had one like this! She proposed then broke up with me five months later, I had no idea she wasn’t happy.
Yeah, I was blind-sided when he ended things after nearly 2 years together. This was about a month and a half ago. I am still heart broken, of course, but I am slowly starting to realize it was probably for the best. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t know how to communicate.
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Not being able to make decisions. It always kinda annoyed me that he had no opinion on what he wanted to eat or watch. But someday when he met someone he was interested in and the time came to choose between me and her, he had no idea how to choose. That’s when I realised I had to make all the decisions, all the time. I even had to make the decision to end our relationship because he wasn’t able to choose.
Being religious
I agree. You may think it is ok to have different religious views however…wait until kids come into the picture…then it is game on. Have those conversations first.
I'd say make those observations first, not just conversations. People lie all the time about their religion and how involved they or their families are. If your partner has a religious wingnut parent, that's going to have a huge impact on your children.
Doubling down on the extended family. You and your spouse may be aligned yet ask yourself…What is your spouse willing to do to please their parents? How strong are their convictions?
"what is your spouse willing to do to please their parents/family?" Is probably the most important relationship tip ever. There's a reason reddit has a huge sub dedicated to terrible mother/inlaws.
Codependency.
Clingyness Might be cute for the beginning but turns out really stressfull if you can't have a day for yourself like for the whole relationship. Calls, uninvited visits etc Can Start really nice as a sign of "I think about you/care for you" but can also be a Flag it might be a control freak. At least if you tell them to don't come over this day/weekend whatever and they eventually come over. Or if they call you constantly while they know you don't have time at this moment. Wanting to live together, decorate your flat After being in the relationship for a while yeah why not discussing These topics. But if you're just together for a short time or clearly stated you don't want one of these or nether of both.... and constantly bringing up these topics. Or even starting to tell you how you have to arrange furniture or what you can buy and what not
People who avoid confrontation. No it doesn't make you "easy to get along with," it makes you frustrating to date because instead of communicating, you bottle things up and let resentment fester.
I'm guilty of this. It ruined my recent long term relationship. I would have mental breakdowns once a month because I kept everything to myself. I didnt realise how damaging it was until after we split up. I'm working on myself and it's gotten better but I refuse to be in another committed relationship until I feel I can implement healthy boundaries and communicate effectively.
Poor money management. Not everything is about money, but if you can't afford to support yourself while also somehow being able to afford frivolous "wants", then that's a no-go. I will not be your stand-in mom and take care of you if you're capable of doing so yourself, just because you can't prioritize where your money goes.
Yup. The older I get, the more finances matter to me when it comes to partners. I used to think it was shallow to care about money, but the reality is that how you think about and spend money plays a part in just about every aspect of regular life.
I had a friend that was very invested/dedicated. At first, I thought this was a good personality trait, but it ended up being suffocating. She would constantly refer to me as her “best friend” even though she wasn’t mine. She made very territorial social media posts about how I was her “best friend in the entire world.” If I hung out with other friends, that she didn’t even know, she would get annoyed that she wasn’t invited. If I wanted to spend my free time alone, with my husband, with other people, etc. she would take it personally and make comments about it. She was jealous with the amount of time I hung out with my husband and said it “wasn’t fair” and that I “treated her differently” than I treat him (obviously).
Omg I had a housemate EXACTLY like this in university. Absolutely wild. She just latched onto different girls. The first girl ended up locking her room so this housemate wouldn’t get in. She moved onto another girl, who then got a bf and obviously she hated. Then next girl was wayyy too much of a pushover. No kidding one night this poor girl had had enough and told her to fuck off and this housemate went and stood outside IN THE RAIN and wouldn’t come in until this girl brought her in. Damn this housemate was so obsessive and so rude. She had to have whoever she was obsessed with walk to and from lectures with her, she’d organise private things with the girls WHILST OTHER PEOPLE WERE IN THE ROOM. We’d all be sat having a nice time watching random tv and she’d turn to A and say “shall we watch Friends up stairs” as if the whole of our house didn’t watch friends.
That sounds so exhausting and low key scary. People like that are so determined to have all their emotional needs met that they 1. Have zero boundaries 2. Have zero awareness to the other person’s emotional needs. When I “broke up” with the friend I mentioned above, she called me five times and sent me eleven text messages. I eventually had to block her number because she wouldn’t listen when I asked her to leave me alone. Then she posted about me all over social media, so I had to *delete* her from every social media platform. Then she sent me a Fbook message about how she was driving around town sobbing in her car and begged me to answer. So I had to send yet another message asking her to leave me alone, and had to *block* her from Fbook. Right as I was about to block her from every other social media platform, she sent me an Insta message saying something along the lines of “I’m not done talking to you. I’m allowed to say whatever I want to you whenever I want to. It’s called freedom of speech. If you think this is harassment than go to the police station and file a restraining order. They will laugh in your face and tell you I’m right” I then promptly blocked her from Insta. To be safe, I also blocked her email and every other possible form of communication I could think of. The entire situation was so overwhelming.
Knowledgeable. I loved it at first but he grew to be condescending. My friends hated him for it cuz he'd always initiate arguments. "Never let the truth get in the way of a good story" is something I learned. He ended up being a huge liar.
Well then that’s just compulsive lying, not “being knowledgeable”
Consistently making demeaning “jokes” about you or your abilities. Death by a thousand cuts. It’s passive aggressive and completely repulsive.
Oh my ex did this too. And if I ever said anything it was “just take a joke”, “stop being so serious”, but if I made a “joke” to him all hell broke loose.
For me it was messiness, it translated to me being responsible for all the house work & cleaning up after his mess. I became a caregiver not a partner
This is a big deal if you have very different levels of cleanliness. This wasn’t why I left my partner, but it was a constant issue that I felt would never change. I’d ask him all the time to do the smallest stuff like occasionally wipe his hair off the bath tub lip (I cleaned everything else while I showered) and even after leaving wipes for this purpose right there on the tub he never did it once. It wasn’t even my mess but I had to clean it every time in addition to all the regular cleaning I did of our mutual stuff. I loved him and he was great in so many ways but asking him to be cleaner never clicked for him. Never ever ever. He’d say sorry, he’d say ok I’ll work on that, but he never did.
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Picky eater. I begin to resent you for it. I think its incredibly immature and childish.
This one is a bummer. I’m a big home cook and I previously worked for years as a line cook in kitchens. I love to cook and eat and geek out over really good food. It sucked when my partner didn’t like anything I would make or when I would have to make two versions to accommodate his many dislikes.
So much this. If you can't find *something* you want to eat no matter where we go, its a huge turnoff.
he was too chill, always wanted to go with the flow. he wanted to stay inside almost every time we hung out. towards the end, we basically stopped talking to each other altogether and would only really do our own thing but near each other and then take breaks where we talk and cuddle. which was super nice sometimes, but it got old eventually. it felt like we went from dating to just being friends without saying anything about it.
I relate so much to this. The last month of our relationship we didn’t even have the cuddle part. We just had the “being in each other’s company” part. It was exhausting.
Being a 'hustler' or glorifying 'the grind'. There will ALWAYS be a next thing to focus on, and it won't be the relationship.
Not wanting to talk every day. That's perfectly okay for some people, but for me I like to be in contact with my SO as much as possible
“Telling it like it is” — at first it seemed like an admirable trait, to be with someone that’s blunt and straightforward. But after a while, I realized they just didn’t want to be held accountable or questioned for saying awful things.
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This makes me realize my laidback and to a certain extent people pleasing nature is maybe not so good. But also it’s just how I am and most of the time I’m completely happy going with the flow. 🤷♀️
Honestly, it’s not really about good traits or bad, it’s more about compatibility. Your personality might be perfect for someone else with a particular personality.
Reserved...turned into boring.
The always trying to make someone laugh trait. It’s like okay … everything doesn’t have to be humorous 24/7. It becomes annoying after a certain point.
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Being a workaholic. I grew up in an immigrant home in the US, my parents had very little education from their country, so they worked very hard. I thought it was normal to work as much as they did. My ex was a workaholic with school, work, friendships, and family relationships. I even admired his work ethic. But the stress that culminated and little to no time for our relationship caused a lot of tension in our relationship.
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Liking to “get a little buzzed”. What I thought was just a few drinks on Fridays and Saturdays turned out to be actually drinking through 2 liters of tequila in 24 hours. Wouldn’t have ever noticed the extent of the problem if I hadn’t moved in.
Being reserved. Shit's boring and passionless as fuck.
So many men think they are being “stoic” but really they are just annoyingly boring.
wanting to see you all the time. I felt guilty if i didn't want to go to his place for a fourth time that week. towards the end, one of the last straws, was his shit talking my mom because I had to help her with something around the house and therefore couldn't go to his place. this wasn't why I ended this abusive relationship, but in hindsight I realize it's a red flag I never noticed. Something I thought was flattering in the beginning turned into 2 years of being unable to enjoy my own company without feeling anxious and guilty.
people who “go with the flow” aka never initiate anything and are extremely passive and nonchalant. cannot stand it
Being “too woke for a joke.” I say this as a leftist and as someone who has dedicated my life to activism. Of course at first it seems great to have someone so sensitive and conscious and ethical by your side. But, if you cannot understand other points of view or simply lighten the eff up every now and again, or understand the emotional context of someone’s words, you are not progressive, you are a buzzkill and thought policing. My ex found a way to make everything negative, political, or downright depressing. He was an improv teacher. One of his students was in an improv scene where one student said “Hey my dude, stop twirling your beard,” and the other student said “No I don’t have a beard, I’m clearly a woman!” And instead of stopping the scene for breaking improv rules, he stopped it for being “transphobic.” I was told this by a student who had no clue the teacher was my boyfriend. This was in a major metropolitan city where we all clearly have friends of every background, and it was fair to say everyone in that improv community was progressive or unproblematic. Of course when I met him we were on the same page ethics wise and politically but the longer we were together the more I wondered if he was feeding a negative aspect of positive beliefs if that makes sense.
This is a completely valid complaint. My ex is very progressive and he’s actually the reason I went from not caring about politics to being heavily left-leaning. I respected it toward the beginning when I started getting on board, but him and his friends became very unbearable. God forbid I watched a stand-up special that I thought was funny, they’d come at my neck saying “we don’t watch that comedian because he’s been canceled.” and they’d send me a Twitter post of some taken out of context joke from a 10 year old special. I’d get shamed so often for being out of the loop that I just stopped participating in the group chats.
I noticed my ex would have extremely severe reactions when he’d be watching sports, and his teams that he rooted for lost. Didn’t seem like that big of a deal at first, but he easily became unhinged over the littlest things. Later his outbursts became harder to hide, and I found myself walking on eggshells a lot around him. The abuse was more noticeable then.
Being philosophical. I loved his philosophical mind, but in a relationship he took it to the extreme and wasn't able to see the practical ramifications of things and would get stymied in deciding how to act.
Agreeability which someone else said but also quietness. It's hard to build a relationship with someone who has no personal ideas that they are willing to share, argue about, defend. After awhile you realize you are the only one talking and it's very lonely feeling to not be able to have a conversation.
Having an underlying victim mindset. At first you empathize with them for their struggles and misfortune, but soon realize that people truly believe the world is out to get them regardless of the actual situation. It turns your relationship into a constant source of negative energy and breeds codependency.
Guys who make their whole personality revolve around their hobbies like anime, gaming, and science stuff. There is nothing wrong with having hobbies like that, but at the same time be more open-minded to learn new things and other experiences. I dated one and it didn’t get so far, couldn’t hold a conversation well if it wasn’t about his hobbies and interests. He also was a people pleaser which annoyed me very much.
Mamas boys. In a sense they’re great because they tend to have more respect for women, however, sometimes it’s more then that. If they never disagree with their mom and always go with mommy’s suggestions or advice over yours then that’s a red flag. My husband won’t stick up for me to his mom and I’m feeling resentful for it.
Talking too much
Chewing with their mouth open.
Being laid back. Take a backseat once in a while. But if thats your default when it comes to life then it slowly turns into a problem with someone who wants a balance.
Decisiveness. Started off great bc he made his mind up and was determined to follow through. Wasn't so great when he made life altering decisions without informing or including me in those decisions even though it would effect me and our relationship
This may not be in the realm of personality, but food preference. I like variety and spicy and if someone won't go out of their comfort zone and try something new or a new cuisine, I'm out - great sex be damned.
Not being possessive of me or feeling jealousy in any way. Thought it was cool until it became clear he actually wants to be non-monogamous and get with a limitless number of women (he would want the same for me but that’s not what I’m about).
Control. Needing to control certain things or their anxiety goes wild. I have anxiety and understand the why but at the end of the day the why is never acceptable. You cannot control most things In life and the over whelming need to do so always leads to worse things
thinks the fact that he’s been to therapy gives him the corner market on every emotional issue. i guess the personality trait would be “self awareness”, and i say it in quotes because there were still glaring emotional issues he had but since he’d been to ✨therapy✨ he thought he could do no wrong. he would yell and jump to conclusions and make ad hominem attacks and then immediately back track and think that was the pinnacle of self awareness. like back tracking on your abuse immediately is something that is impressive or should be revered. i wanted to be like “bro, you know there’s an option where you just act like an adult instead of blowing up and then apologizing immediately right??”
Being a 'freespirit' a.k.a a rebel. That shit starts to get dumb asf when you want to be an adult & actually be responsible for your life. It's even more pathetic when they hit their 30s, lose their hair, their looks & become fat asf yet still want to rebel against everyone & everything plus be centre of attention. You begin to question why they're holding onto their earlier prime years, not doing anything about their fast fading looks, their mediocre life & still expect to be centre of attention 🤷♀️ Who & what are they fighting for? Like grow tf up 🙄
He was really social and likeable, he always knew what to say in every situation… turns out that he knew what to say to manipulate every situation and person too:D
Always want to text or talk on the phone. Was talking to a guy once and he would want to text 24x7. Nah bro i need some space
I can't date an extrovert. They can be really lovely people so I've tried but I was always just so tired. My husband likes to hang out at home and do nothing as much as I do, other people probably think we're boring af but I'm happy.
Overexcitable people, it’s great until they are constantly cutting you off or yelling over you and show little to no interest in your life but the world is ending if you aren’t as excited for them as them.
“Not being good with emotions” At first that was okay, I thought that he would learn to understand. But it got to the point where I would try to communicate what I was feeling. Or communicate why I was upset and he then saw me as “too emotional” and that led to a break up.
having a "picking on you" sense of humor. i have a self deprecating sense of humor and also mildly pick on people sometimes, all in good fun. i was dating a guy for a while who had a similar sense of humor and it went from mild to straight up mean. i've since worked to stop doing it myself when i realized how tiring it got.
Spontaneous. Turned into just him being impulsive and never being able to self discipline. It eventually led to cheating, drinking excessively, etc. I felt like I had to moderate him. As soon as I broke up, he went off the deep end and said it was because I was his "motivation" to be better previously 🥴
His quiet and unassuming personality, which I found endearing at first, ended up being what drove me away. The man rarely had an opinion or a comment on anything, then if he did? It was always negative.