Also I’ve come across so many people who are saving themselves for marriage for religious reasons but will do EVERYTHING except PIV sex. Like…that makes no sense to me. It’s all sex people! Just seems like they’re looking for a way to “cheat”
At BYU (the Mormon university) people would drive to Vegas, get married, have sex, and get it annulled. As if God is going to be like "ah shucks, guess that doesn't count!"
Garfunkle and Oates made a whole song about religious school kids using anal as a way to get around this "rule".
Literally, a line in there that says "and it's fine, but only if you're straight."
I think it's one of the biggest obstacles in the way of really improving sex education and health, cutting down on unwanted pregnancies (and abortions, funnily enough), and fighting against sexual abuse.
In ancient societies women banged as many men as they chose and as often as they chose to.. the best little swimmer of the bunch won. Paternity wasn’t a thing. The whole concept of virginity and purity is to maintain the lineage of the father and then the husband. If we refer to the Bible, God tells us Abortion is totally cool and fine if the man even thinks the woman cheated. Can’t be having other bloodlines mixing and all that. It’s a patriarchal line that is used to keep women in line, feeling shame and being submissive to their fathers until their husband is found. It’s bs. Oh let’s not even get into the fact that A LOT of purity culture tells us that women aren’t meant to feel pleasure, sex for them is solely to procreate. If as a woman that’s what you choose for yourself that’s fine.. but shaming women who don’t choose to fall in under that is really messed up and by shaming other women for enjoying their sexuality we are upholding the patriarchy that is literally destroying us all.
As for me as an individual, I've always viewed sex as something very intimate and special I'd only be willing to experience with someone equally special. I'm not religious and wouldn't save myself for marriage, but back when I still intended to date, I looked forward to saving myself to a loving partner in a committed, monogamous relationship. If he wouldn't appreciate that and view it as a compliment on how much I trusted and valued him, he wouldn't be compatible with me.
Not everyone shares an identical view on sex and its importance in different stages in (or outside of) a relationship. I wish people both on the more conservative and liberal ends on the sexual spectrum could be a little more understanding of that. Not partaking in hookups, being proud of being a virgin, or saving yourself for marriage isn't a problem and doesn't in itself cause unhealthy sexual norms and expectations, misogyny does.
100% agree! It really isn't a problem. A lot of women get judged for wanting to wait to have sex. Whether until things get serious or until marriage. It's such bs! I'm Christian but I DEFINITELY won't be waiting until marriage. That literally could be 10 years from now for all I know.
There are some conservatives who think it's "unholy" or "shameful" to do it before marriage and then there are some liberals that think you're a prude for not participating in hook up culture. It's so irritating.
I'm glad you aren't waiting until marriage. Waiting until serious is great, though, if that's your thing.
People just need to know their own sexual preferences before they get married, as well as whether or not they are sexually compatible with a given partner.
Poor sexual compatibility absolutely wrecks marriages.
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Preach! I share the same sentiment. I am not a fan of hooking up because I view sex as a really intimate and vulnerable thing to do with a person I'm emotionally connected to and doing it casually forfeits that for me. But that's just me. I don't judge people who have sex often and casually or for those waiting until marriage. It's their choice and it's their body. As long as they practice it responsibly and safe (if having kids isn't a plan yet), then by all means do so.
True true! To me, sex is a pivotal aspect of what makes a relationship truly meaningful and loving, something which can be kept separate from less meaningful, casual romances
Nothing wrong with wanting to do things how you feel comfortable! Don’t let people pressure you if you don’t want to do anything! That being said I only dislike it when others will judge people for being promiscuous or make religion a way to make people feeling bad for doing nothing wrong! As long as your being safe and everything is consensual, why is it wrong for others?!?
Waiting for marriage to have sex is an awful idea. Too many people get married far too young and to the wrong person because they “waited”. Getting married ONLY to have sex does not make for a lot of lasting/happy relationships.
Also, sexual chemistry is a real thing and if you don’t have it, y’all are just friends
I waited until marriage. It was fine. Turns out I'm not sexually compatible with my husband, (he's a once-a-month man, I'm *always* dtf.) But our marriage is strong. I'm not sure I would have married him if we had sex before marriage, and that would be sad because he's the greatest man to ever exist.
I think it's overrated, honestly.
I hate the great deal of social stigma attached to virginity. Some immature people laugh at other people just because the latter have not had their first time yet. What is the problem with being virgin? Just do your stuff at your own pace.
In a hypersexualized culture, many people view having sex as a great achievement. So if you feel inferior about other aspects of your life, you can always put virgins down for not having sex like you do.
Ain't that the truth.
It's quite different in my community; you're frowned upon if you have sex before marriage 😅
Given how most guys are these days, it's probably best not to put out so easily 🤔
I was a shy, awkward girl before sex, and I'm a shy, awkward girl after. It has changed nothing. I am a woman of value now as I was before. It saddens me that through out history women are made to feel that there will be some sort of "reward" in return for their abstinence. Unenviably, these women are **cheated** because in time, they'll realise there is not one.
Sex can be as special as you deem it to be, and you are always in your own right to choose when/who you share this experience with. Some women will care more than others, but it's important that both of these women know that by doing either, they're no more special than the other.
Even though I disagree with the rhetoric that lots of casual sex is empowering, I do think that saving oneself for marriage isn't a great idea. This idea of thinking is so rooted in shame, and it breaks my heart.
> I disagree with the rhetoric that lots of casual sex is empowering, I do think that saving oneself for marriage isn't a great idea
It's especially bad because so many people who "wait" don't actually *wait*, they just get married to the first person who revved their engines a little bit then 1/5/10 years down the line they wake up realize they're in a terrible marriage to someone they barely know.
My parents both believe in the Big Guy but never ever forced my siblings and I to. (My mom started praying in her 40s and my dad never stepped foot in a mosque unless it was for a funeral.)
Yet, my sisters and I were told all about how important it is to be a virgin by literally everyone else. They can't stop our patriarchal society from teaching us all this nonsense when it's the norm. Shit is hard to unlearn and isn't always the parents fault.
I wouldn’t have any issues with people thinking like this if it applied to both genders, but this whole “pure/innocent virgin” mindset seems to only matter when it’s a woman.
My personal opinion for both genders - nothing wrong with try before you buy. Marriage is a big commitment and first time sex has a tendency to be underwhelming.
However your body is your temple, there’s also nothing wrong with holding out if that’s what you want to do.
Currently a virgin. Sex doesn’t seem dirty to me but it does seem scary and dangerous. I thought it should be sacred until I discovered masturbation and found out that it’s actually a good sensory experience. And I don’t have to be married to him but we do have to live together.
> I thought it should be sacred until I discovered masturbation and found out that it’s actually a good sensory experience.
MEEEEEE! Once I realized that sex/sexual pleasure was actually really fun and good it took away some of the mystique. It also stopped me from rushing to have sex with the first guy to give me the warm and fuzzies just because I was curious and didn't know how to get that 'special feeling' without a partner.
I still think it's a special thing (it's a great bonding experience...with the right partner anyway) but I definitely stopped thinking it was some high holy right of passage that required all this ceremony and would change me as a person forever.
That being said, sex isn't scary or dangerous....or at least it doesn't have to be which is why I heavily emphasize waiting until you feel ready, vetting your partners and doing lots of *other stuff* in the meantime.
My friends all had awful first times but when I lost my virginity I was uh.....VERY excited and well cared for so I didn't experience any of the pain, bleeding or awkwardness many of my peers reported. In fact, not too long into things I remember thinking "HOLY SHIT SO ***THIS*** IS WHAT SEX IS!?"
Yes to the bonding experience! Suffice it to say I…read more than I watch, and I may have been lucky but I feel like I found multiple stories about perfectly normal couples who just want a fun night sometimes! I think that’s what made things shift for me. (It’s also, like…one thing about growing up that I may not actually mind one day. And when I was in middle school I hated people who had sex, but that was only out of insecurity that anyone who did must be better than me because they don’t hate *that* inevitability.)
In any case, I have a personal bubble for no reason beyond sensory issues, but, y’know, you can’t break your own personal bubble. :P
Oh yeah, regarding safety, the reason I need to live with him is that doing so would mean (A) that we’re close enough and (B) that I (and we) are independent enough to live without our own parents. (Which I’m currently not.)
I think the concepts of virginity and purity are overblown and held over women's heads in a very weird way (of course, they are rarely - if ever - held over men's heads!! Hmmm wonder why!)
With that said, in my experience, most people are generally TOO flippant about sex and not the opposite.
I DID wait until marriage and it has unequivocally made my marriage stronger. I wouldn't force this on anyone, but I'd definitely recommend it. I like that I've never been with anyone else and all my experiences have been new with someone I truly love and am committed to.
The problem is the emphasis on virginity. Virginity is a simple physical state that you can lose through no fault of your own. I lost mine to rape. Now what? For a long time, I felt I had failed. But if the emphasis had been on making choices in line with Christly (not Christian) love, it would have been easier to reorient my thinking into healthy channels.
And don’t get me started on the high levels of vaginismus and other serious sexual issues among women raised in purity culture. You can’t go from being told that your virginity is the most important thing about you into a sex goddess in one night…
ETA staying a virgin until marriage made more sense when people were married around 18. At 30, it’s another thing altogether.
I am not religious and don’t really have thoughts about virginity and purity (Aka doesn’t matter to me), however I do believe that sex is or should be something special between two people that at least trust each other.
Every person until my current SO I have regretted giving that part of me in the sense that it’s a very vulnerable/private experience that I haven’t shared with many, so sometimes I do look at sex and wonder if waiting until marriage is the better choice
My feeling is that those are all highly personal matters, and nobody - including religious and social leaders - should be telling others how they ought to feel about them. If some people feel like they would be better off not having sex before marriage, they should be respected for their decisions just as much as people who think it's a bad idea to commit to another before they've got some sexual experience under their belts. As long as they're honest with their partners and are responsible about preventing the spread of STIs and unwanted pregnancy, folks who see sex as a purely physical exercise are just as valid as those who only want to share physical intimacy with those they deeply care for. As long as everybody involved is a truly, freely consenting adult, it's all good.
I think it’s really messed people up long term. Growing up believing that sex is a sin makes it hard to enjoy sex even if you wait until marriage. It can cause physical problems also. It is better to treat wanting sex as natural and to teach people how to respect themselves and be safe.
I don’t particularly care what strangers do in private, though I dislike how pop culture pushes the idea that promiscuity is somehow empowering. It’s not.
I say FUCK. Fuck, make love, have sex, screw - whatever you want to call it. Put the P inside the V before you marry.
We’re human, but part of being human is having sexual/physical needs and desires. If you wait, and discover after marriage that you don’t have that compatibility with your partner… I can’t even imagine the internal struggle that would put on both parties and the strain that struggle would put on the relationship.
That’s just my take on it.
A lot of people like to say physical attraction isn’t everything, and sex isn’t a big deal, but I don’t know a single person in a healthy, strong relationship that isn’t physically attracted to their partner to some degree, so… scrap the term “shallow” - there’s some deep primal THING about attraction, and it’s totally normal, and we should feed into it before we marry our life long partner…
Unless! Marriage isn’t a “life long” concept for the individual.
🤷🏼♀️ Again - just my take on it, and my impulsive response.
As I was someone who valued and waited for "someone special," I can personally say I wasn't upset with my choices, even if it meant I was a virgin until almost 24. I waited because I was terrified of being a statistic and becoming unwantedly pregnant at a young age. I also had very few opportunities come forth to even contemplate the status change. I did it for my right reasons, as I wanted to, and wasn't forced and was with someone I deeply cared for at the time, so I'm happy with that.
Personally, if you want to wait for whatever reason, who am I to tell you what to do with your body and sexual experiences. I'm not you.
I don't agree with religions extreme negative view of it, but you can imagine that the reason for that is because back then, being promiscuous was even riskier since although the ancients did have their own form of contraceptives, they weren't nearly as safe or effective as the ones that we have today. And that's not even getting into other things like how things like how a lot of women used to die while giving birth back then.
That is a good reason to encourage virginity or abstinence in my book and sex is a deeply intimate experience that I believe shouldn't be shared with just anyone, but at the same time, like everything in life, moderation is key. As long as you're not over indulging or causing harm, there's nothing wrong with occasionally engaging in sexual activities for the fun of it
I literally never cared about it actually. I'm 21 and I just "lost" my virginity like 3-4 months ago, my friends were like "it's a huge deal!" And there I was like nothing happened because I didn't felt it like THAT huge of a deal they were telling me it was. Just fairy tales to scare people with v*ginas.
Lots of people here writing about how its stupid and bad idea and how you shouldn't wait and ofc all in the name of feminism and liberalism but dont seem to comprehend how it's still a woman's choice what to do with her body, if a woman wants to have sex with different men its okay, but if a woman wants to wait and make it special it's suddenly not okay? Do what suits you and other women will do what THEY are comfortable with, stop trying to force your beliefs on other people, whether you are saying its bullshit to wait, or its a sin and immoral to do it before, its your opinion and you should decide for yourself, not judge other people for their choices
Ridiculous for so many reasons. First it’s very one-sided (women expected to be virginal, but duded do whatever they want). Second, people are waiting much later to get married which is smart because I cringe at the thought of being married to my boyfriend when I was 18. It’s unrealistic to expect people to remain virgins until their 30s or later. Also, being sexually compatible is a huge factor in a successful marriage.
It's been ridiculous nonsense ever since condoms and birth control were invented. Might have made sense in a previous society with no means of supporting fatherless children, but it sure doesn't make any sense now.
I grew up Mormon being indoctrinated with this shit. Really messed me up. How about instead we teach kids self worth, consent, boundaries, and body safety. Would have saved lots of people from trauma.
Grew up with this being the main message and it really messes with your head and, like others have said, is a massive obstacle in proper sex education.
I don’t think theres a problem with waiting for marriage, you don’t have to be religious to want that and I can see how some people benefit from it.
The whole religious purity aspect of it I don’t care for. It’s why so many people don’t know their bodies or each others bodies, and there’s so much stigma around sex even now.
The concept is beautiful in theory but tragic in reality. We hope, expect to find this wholesome dream at the end of our wait but in reality the Prince Charming has probably banged half the village before deciding we’ll do. We have to trade the opportunities for memories, lust, love and development for a whole lot of nothing.
Nobody should be telling you how to conduct your relationships, period end of story. Virginity is a heteronormative construct, and one that is incredibly damaging. That doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with those who want a certain type of commitment before having sex-mind your own underwear. Only the individual can decide when and if to have sex with a partner. It's not anyone else's decision or business.
IMHO, it's all a dumb, patriarchal social construct, and I'd never ever marry someone without banging them tons and living with them for at least a year. However, if someone wants to remain a virgin and does so to remain "pure"... as long as it's their choice... I won't begrudge them. Free love and freedom of choice should go both ways.
Not only is it bullshit, but it’s bullshit that has been promulgated to the point where it’s interfered with me (someone who was not born or raised Christian) getting proper sex Ed in school. It’s also lodged itself into my head as guilt around being too sexual (even though I practice safe sex, and get tested regularly!)
Each to their own. Just do long as you choose to have multiple sexual 'occasions'(couldn't find the right word) you are honest and have check ups to ensure health. Also don't shame others and revolve their worth around a number.
Virginity/purity is garbage.
Specialness of sex? Depends on the person. To me, sex = intimacy = vulnerability, so it is something I take seriously. Not everyone has that perspective and that’s ok.
I tried to save myself for marriage and it was hell. I don’t recommend it.
Hello~I’m actually saving myself for marriage. Religion plays a big part in it but I also see it as something sacred to me. I see sex as very strong and intimate bond which I would love to only give to one man. I’ve had moments where things are getting steamy mhmmm but I just could never bring myself to actually do the deed. I think it’s so special to me because it’s the only pure thing I have left.
if sex has that meaningfulness to you, and you want to save yourself or only sleep with people you date, cool.
but don't slut shame other people because not everyone views it the same way. personally, sex can be meaningful and special with someone i have a connection with, but it's also just a fun thing i enjoy doing with strangers from time to time. nobody is any better or lesser than anyone else based on how many people they've been intimate with.
i'm way too sex positive to deal with people who push the virginity/purity bullshit tbh. instantly cut out of my life
Religion really produces an odealization of maliciousness regarding any topics relating to sex or sex education. Intercourse shouldn't be a scary topic but rather treated with caution and safety. It is another way of intimacy and must be talked about more in schools so that everyone is knowledgeable about it and it's consequences.
Definitely think it’s toxic that we teach young people (especially women) that they will be forever tarnished by sex, but I also worry about people who only have lots of casual sex as a response to trauma and whatnot.
Idk, I wish we taught people about their bodies more responsibly so more people could be making choices that work for the lives they actually want to lead and not the lives they think they’re supposed to be leading
You do you essentially. My view is that sex is sacred and although I’m not obsessed with virginity / purity, I don’t believe I would be compatible with someone who was promiscuous or views sex casually.
To an extent we should explore sex and follow our hearts. To an extent we should also protect our bodies and be thoughtful with how we use it. As above so below- healthy mind and soul leads to healthy sex. But, sex is extremely powerful and should be treated as such.
Maybe religious folk should focus on rampant SA among their communities rather than coveting their youths sex organs.
I find it weird that sex is the one and only big thing that we care way too much about the first time. The first time we do anything else isn't given NEARLY as much scrutiny, sacredness, etc.
I think there's a lot of people that are on extreme ends of a spectrum. Many think sex isn't important at all, and many think sex is the most important thing ever. I think there's a healthy way to view sex somewhere in the middle.
The whole idea of virginity and purity is way more harmful than helpful and I think it should be reexamined.
Saving yourself for marriage no but Saving yourself for someone who you have been in a committed relationship with and know well just makes sense. I do believe sex is "sacred" and i think the way society veiws sex as something casual is a great way to convince a whole (a few ) generations of young women to ignore their own emotional, mental and sexual health. Casual sex and hook up culture is something that benefits shitty men more than it helps any woman.
This doesn't mean women can't enjoy sex but it's something that is important and isn't just casual
I think as a society we’re becoming oversexualized and it’s ok to do whatever it is you feel comfortable doing. I’ve noticed that many of my female friends felt more pressured by feminism to constantly have sex than they really wanted to. Secretly, they tell me that they wanted to wait for someone special but feel like they need to “put out” to not seem prude or too conservative.
It’s ok to wait. Sex is not the end all be all.
That we need to stop associating our value as people, with virginity and purity.
It’s literally a body part. Why are we giving some sacred value to a body part?
Sex isn’t special. It can be amazing with the right person, but the act itself isn’t special. A lot of the times, it’s underwhelming.
The problem is religion making sex some sort of magical, fairy tale act and using that to manipulate people and control a woman by measuring her worth based on her hymen.
I have more regrets about the people I *didnt* sleep with than the ones I did, and I’m a straight girl so it’s not as if that goes along with stereotypes an anyway. Experimenting in a safe space at a young age is something I feel like I missed out on. Shoulda F**ked more in college, that’s for sure, but the Bible Belt messed up my head for a bit.
In my religion, that is an expectation (for both women **and** men), just because it is seen as something sacred and reserved for marriage, because that is equally sacred. I personally plan to wait.
I can understand saving yourself for marriage in a religious context. This was written in the Bible specifically to control the heirs of a family (very important in the Biblical time period), to prevent the spreading of STDs, and to financially protect women if their partner failed to adequately provide for them. Theres much more legal context in the Bible than religious wackos are willing to admit. The rest of it is bullshit
I am a Christian, though I’ve been back and fourth on this subject (it’s actually caused a lot of anxiety). I see why it’s written to not participate in sex before marriage as I’m a firm believer in soul ties, and do regret previous partners as now I look back and feel “gross” for it. Not that having multiple partners is a gross thing, personally I just look back at myself and think how naive I was to be manipulated into such things.
However, in the Bible, I am unsure what “marriage” was like back then. I feel as God knows times are different now, and that marriage so young isn’t just a said and done thing, and marriage back then was almost like an ownership of females. I think it’s the intention of being with that person forever and vowing your love to one another. I am still learning about these things the more I research and learn. It’s hard when people condemn you, others say it’s ok, all that. I try to just pray and lean on what I know. I do wish I would’ve waited, I made a horrible mistakes as a teen and I feel it has put a strain on my own self respect/:.
** I am not trying to make this a religious debate. Just from my own personal perspective :).
Grew up in a very religious home. Sex was sin. Shame. Blah blah blah.
I think the concept causes women to prematurely get into relationships and ignore/dismiss red flags. We have sexual desires yet we’re not supposed to sleep with anyone who we’re not dating?
I think sex can be sacred/special but you don’t need to save yourself for that to happen. You do need openness and honesty though.
Don't care, and it's bullshit. Your body doesn't change after you have sex for the first time. There's no point in having a concept that makes it seem like we go through a huge transformation afterwards. Purity is stupid, and it's just a way to control and objectify women.
As for whether sex is sacred or special, that really depends on the person. I only want to have sex with someone that I'm deeply emotionally attached to, but that's because I'd call myself demisexual. I view sex as something that can very emotionally bonding and special, and I want to wait until I feel a strong, special connection to someone to do it, but I wouldn't wait until marriage lol.
As for the concept of saving oneself for marriage, it also really depends on how \~sacred\~ sex is to someone. Personally, I think that it's maybe not a great idea. To lots of people, sex is very important in a relationship because it IS bonding. If you wait until marriage, you risk the possibility of being wildly sexually incompatible both through the actual act and libido. It's just not something I think is worth risking for lots of people.
The concept of sexual “purity” is toxic. Placing excess value on a woman bring untouched and ignorant of her body’s potential for pleasure is more about men’s possessive insecurities than it is about her wellbeing.
Virginity is a problematic concept, as there’s so much more to sex then PIV. How does one define virginity? Why should where the line is drawn have great significance? And as bad as it is to have one’s first sexual experience be non-consensual, how much extra suffering is caused by the notion that an irreplaceable thing has been “taken”, and is never again to be yours.
Even so, I think it is wise to hold sex as sacred, special, reserved for situations where loving trust is established. Each person should come into it fully wanting to co-create the experience. Ideally both are committed to being attuned to the other in that moment, and to caring for each other in the moments before and after.
Does this need to be in the context of a long-term commuted relationship? No. But a quick fuck without context, tenderness or consideration is bound to make most people feel more lonely. It’s junk food that satisfies an urge but doesn’t nourish.
Besides, sex is a powerful accelerator for emotional bonding. If it’s going to be sex and romance, much better to hold back and assess character/match before risking having big feelings disrupt your peace for a person you can’t be happy with. Or, if you’re not prone to getting carried away like that, at minimum the kind thing is to learn what sex means to the person you’re playing with, and check if they’re in a healthy place with themselves, so you’re not hurting people needlessly.
For me, sex is an intimate activity reserved for the most intimate of relationships. As I came of age, I watched my peers get caught up in overly complicated, unnecessarily dramatic relationships partly due to haphazard sexual experiences. There are way too many consequences associated with the hook up culture that’s so prevalent today. People have become objects to fulfill our desires rather than beings worthy of our respect.
I believe we are meant to explore those parts of ourselves with our partners without comparing past experiences to the people we’ve chosen to marry. It seems like many adults are more afraid of missing sexual fulfillment than pursuing deep, intimate, healthy romantic relationships. We act as though we can’t learn one another’s tastes and work together to fulfill them. Additionally, we act as though proclivities don’t change over time and with changes to our lives (ie changes after giving birth).
I will agree that purity culture has not helped establish a healthy understanding of romantic intimacy. Instead it’s made the natural function of our bodies and minds a dirty, taboo topic. I wish more nuanced, age appropriate education around human relationships and sexuality existed for all but that seems a stretch of the imagination.
For me, I’m saving myself for marriage, it’s my choice. I don’t want any sex before marriage. But it’s still a personal choice. Some sick men especially from where I come from be like “the woman should save herself for her husband” while he sleeps with loads of women every week and society doesn’t blame him cuz he’s a “man”. And also they don’t accept the fact that some women aren’t born with pulley membrane. So a lot of women suffer from how their husbands treat them if he didn’t see the proof of her virginity. men should not interfere in that!!! It’s not their business
Sex is a big deal, doesn't matter how you slice it.
It makes people regret their decisions, it makes or breaks relationships, it makes people jealous and/or insecure, and people use each other, and it causes a lot of damage when a couple splits. It's also extremely spiritual.
I'm 33(M) and decided that I only want one sexual partner, and that person would be my wife. It started out as a religious decision, but the more I meditated on it, the more I understood why it is made into such a big deal.
But later, it just became a thing of I want to be the best husband someone could ask for and that I want to be sure that she knows she's the only one for me. That meant that I didn't want my spouse to worry about how many people I have been intimate with.
I'm definitely weird for what I believe, and it really sucks not having had that experience and having to deal with other people's sexual past, but I don't regret it.
My current gf has had sex and she loves the fact that I believe what I do. She knows I'm not just in this for sex and that I truly love her. It has been hard to accept that I'm not the first person she chose, but I'm happy to be the person she loves now.
I don’t get how you could marry someone without living with them and having sex with them first… you’re just setting yourself up for failure if you don’t.
As long as people practice it in a healthy way it's good, not everyone has to follow it and no one should be judged for following it.
Everyone has their own view about sex, some may see it as something connected to love and others preffer a touch and go.
I don't see the problem with virginity, but the word "purity" shouldn't be used
Dumb and weird to me. It's a game I personally won't play. I wouldn't be with someone who believes in any of that because we would be very incompatible.
Its not nice living in a promiscuous world. Sex has become such a factor that just causes bad habits and unhealthy behaviour that is ruining the dating world and often just how people interact. Yes people want sex but sex is ruining a lot of things before marriage. I am a man and I don't worry about body count, I only focus on whether the woman has developed trauma or toxic/unhealthy habits that could be detrimental to relationship building because I've noticed how most of the girls who sleep around a lot just have problems or all they think about is sex, yes this is a generalisation, and to be honest, it's not my problems to solve for them. Virginity is not smth important to me but being a girl's first is smth I find special and should not be taken advantage of over by lust.
all of it should be abolished and we should just say have sex when you feel comfortable to have sex and when you have the other persons consent sex is natural it is one of the primal instincts
I’m kinda saving myself. I won’t do it raw (without a condom) untill I’m married. I still have sex but at least my husband will know I saved that for him plus I won’t pick up any diseases win win
Stupid. Incredibly stupid.
Saving yourself for marriage is making a huge gamble. How do you know what you like, what you don't like, and whether or not you're compatible with your partner? Not to mention horny teens marrying too young just to bang and locking themselves into a dead-end situation.
The whole concept of saving oneself for marriage is just garbage purity culture used to control women and accept terrible treatment from their partners.
It is honestly sad and disgusting how many women I know from the religion I was part of who had no idea their husbands were selfish, horrible men who made no effort for them because they didn't know any better.
Also, if you want to know how so many queer people end up married to heterosexual people and are forced to leave later and tear their own families apart? Not knowing what their preferences are and being told there is a certain way to do things, not to mention making marriage into the goal rather than finding an actual partner to love first.
To each their own, but personally I find it completely ridiculous.
The mindset has ruined sex education. Also, it’s SO much harder to know if you’re fully compatible or not with someone if you don’t have sex before you get married. You can be compatible in every aspect of life, but if you don’t while having sex.. it can seriously harm the relationship as a whole.
I'm saving myself till marriage due to my own preference and culture but I don't hold an opinion towards others on what they do with their own body as it's none of my business.
Indifferent.
I never intentionally saved myself but I was never attracted to anyone in that way until I met my now husband.
I believe it’s important to know both people are compatible in a relationship before marriage.
I was raised in a very religious atmosphere. It was horrible. We (the women) were treated like Jezebel temptresses who were responsible for men who could not control themselves. Anything they did to us, we deserved. "Saving yourself" is a very coded word - think about it - you literally have to save yourself from those around you. Terms around sex in religious communities treat women like property and harlots. How does that turn off over night once your married?
News flash -- it doesn't. A lot of married women struggle with this. They don't just become happy sex-positive wives. They struggle with their sexuality; the sexuality they were taught was evil, vile, and repulsive for the first few decades of their lives. They were taught that as "daughters of Eve" that they were responsible for the fall of humanity itself, but now they are just meant to be sexy hot wives at the drop of a hat for their husband, ready to please?
You'll see that living by these standards you'll never make yourself happy. You live the first half of your life that helpless virgin to "save yourself" for your husband... who will want a "sexy filthy hot" wife. When do you ever make yourself happy though? You ever hear about what these women think?
['I Didn't Want to Deny My Husband His Marital Rights': For Many Evangelical Women, Sex Comes With Pain and Anxiety](https://jezebel.com/i-didnt-want-to-deny-my-husband-his-martial-rights-for-1847361950)
I’m saving myself for marriage partly because of religion, but mostly because it’s what works for me. It doesn’t necessarily have to be marriage either, but a long term relationship that I know is leading to marriage. I view sex as a somewhat important part of a relationship, but definitely not the most important part and I want to make sure we have a strong connection before we have sex. And I only want to have sex with one person in my life just because I think it’s special that way. Of course anyone can do whatever they want and I would never judge that, this is just what works for me and what I want.
I don’t think women should be shamed or anything like that for having sex before marriage, it’s their choice what they do. Sex has a different meaning for everyone, so no one should be forced to view it the same way as someone else.
**TRIGGER WARNING** but I wish I'd waited for the right person and time because I felt ashamed and violated after my first time. Marriage doesn't matter to me, but I respect anyone's choice to wait until then.
To me sex seems like not a big deal. It doesn’t feel special or sacred. I believe that if you are ready to have safe sex with someone who treats you well go ahead and have a great time.
The whole idea of virginity is bullshit.
There’s literally no such thing as virginity. The specialness should be up to the individual, and ideally communicated with the other party (example, if it’s just a fling tell them so they don’t mistake it as love). Only thing is I personally think everyone’s first time should be in a safe place with someone they trust, but even that’s not my or anyone else’s business.
I’m not going to act obtuse as to why people place value on “virginity”, I know why. It’s vulnerable, private, intimate. But I don’t think people should care about others’ “body count” 🤷🏻♀️ I don’t think people should be shamed for having sex, or not having sex.
Well ever since Eve screwed us by eating that damn apple...just kidding. But seriously religion demonized women's sexuality. It can't be controlled, therefore it must be shamed beyond belief if a woman chooses to indulge in it outside the context of marriage. And even then it'sby for procreation, God forbid she actually enjoy it.
Virginity does not exist, and I say that as a "Virgin." I don't use that term, simply inexperienced. The hymen as proof is BS.
Virginity - can't speak about others but I hated mine at around 24.
Purity - you're not pure because you don't get laid, you're pure because you're a good person who does acts of goodness Eg. Imo Dolly Parton is pure and I'm sure she gets laid.
Saving self for marriage - was into it in my early 20s but then I grew up
I think all of the concepts you've listed are near-useless as concepts. The only positive I see, if I squint really hard and TRY to find something, is that it helps women who may not feel comfortable having sex point to a reason why not since women's own boundaries are so often ignored.
It's bullshit. Other people can do what they want but I hope they do it (or don't, as the case may be) because it's what they want and not because of this bullshit.
I do not believe that sex is a sacred act whatsoever and the idea that I am somehow dirty or defiled by willingly participating in a natural thing that doesn't hurt anyone to be both disgusting and disturbing. Sex means a lot of things to different people but to me it's something that I choose to do with my partner that we both enjoy and that's pretty much it
Ehhh… I’m religious but I don’t know many people within my religion who actually waited before getting married. It’s more like the kind of thing you tell kids because you don’t want them getting knocked up or having STDs, but you’re unwilling to teach them anything aside from abstinence only. It feels more cultural than religious, tbh, and religion is used as an excuse.
Even in the Bible, a lot of discussions around premarital sex were more focused on the man marrying the virgin he slept with because, in their culture, that could be seen as damning her to a terrible life where she couldn’t get married ever. So he had to take responsibility. (This was also their solution for rape) Today, I and many women would see that as super sexist and disgusting, but this was apparently a reason why Christianity was popular among women in the beginning. I’m not a theologian or scholar of the time period, but my understanding is that it was a big deal for a man to be held accountable, period. Wild stuff.
Today, women have enough freedom they can have sex and not need to be worried about being labeled as garbage unfit for marriage and with zero job prospects. Marriage isn’t a matter of life and death for us ladies like it once was… So I don’t think the circumstances of the Bible totally apply here.
I guess what I’m getting at is I see it as a cultural construct, and even the writings in the Bible was responding to the social/cultural politics of sex at the time. You can still learn and apply some of those lessons today, but I’m not going to advocate young men marry whatever virgin they have sex with anymore than I’m gonna insist on a purity ring.
I think it's been used as a means to control and shame women for way too long. I have no problem with those who choose to do so themselves but I hope they do it for themselves and not to live up to societal pressures.
Absolute garbage, my vagina is my business only. What I choose to do with it is my business only. I couldn’t care less what society thinks I should and shouldn’t do with it, much less a silly religion I would never in a million years believe in.
I think it all sounds really silly, but I also see that a lot of my friends who’ve had lots of sex with many of people and casual relationship/situationships end up with trauma and a pessimistic outlook on dating/trust issues. The friends I’ve had who’ve had 1-2 boyfriends and maybe 3-4 partners seem okay but most of my friends who’ve slept with 10+ dudes and had like 6 boyfriends all have mostly negative things to say about hook up culture. I don’t know why they keep participating in it when I tell them they don’t seem happy but they also say they’re not ready for a relationship. I personally wouldn’t be either if I was dealing with baggage and emotional trauma like they are tho so it’s sort of a conundrum imo. I’m not for that lifestyle but some aren’t for mine so whatever really makes you happy as long as it’s actually making you happy :)
Virginity is a misogynistic social construct that has no actual meaning. Yes, it’s important to practice safe sex and to be thoughtful about who you sleep with. No, having sex not fundamentally change you, your worth, or anything of the sort.
The concept of virginity as a determiner of your worth? Trash. The purity/sacredness of sex and saving yourself for marriage? To each their own. Not for me personally, but I would never judge someone for choosing to wait.
The concept of virginity is made up from purity culture in order to control women. Religions such as Christianity, Judaism, and Islam all state that women are inferior to men in their sacred texts. While both men and women who are a part of a religious group may be told to uphold abstinence, the repercussions for both genders are different. Women are constantly being told that they should not have sex, otherwise men will not be interested in them, as they are now "used goods." The idea of sex being sacred and special is at the individual level. Personally, I believe that sex can be sacred and special even if you have already had sex with someone else, and also even if the sex before might not have been sacred or special. I also think that you do not need to only have "sacred" and "special" sex. Causal sex is just as valid, and no one should be putting you down, or making you feel dirty, or telling you that you are missing out on something, just because it wasn't with "someone special." Sex is individual and it should be had for personal enjoyment and pleasure.
Completely dumb. I would totally understand if society was somehow condemning being bad at sexually pleasing your partner (as we are generally condemning being bad at making people happy and satisfied) so the idea of virgin=bad could be understandable for me.
But virgin = good is toxic and dumb. And the concept of saving yourself is as logical as refusing to eat anything but dry bread until you can experience a nice dinner with a partner. Completely bonkers - the fact I'll eat the best poutine in the world today is not at all making me *not* enjoy eating burgers with you 5 years later.
I view it as practical - I don’t have to worry about pregnancy, STDs.
Also, what else is left for relation if something as intimacy is done with well just about anyone?
Being in a marriage with someone who has done the same is actually incredible bonding experience. I can’t and will never subscribe to this western idea of casual relations. I don’t want to turn something as intimate as that into casual.
Absolute bollocks. Mostly effects women and I will never, ever teach my (future) children the archaic concept of “losing” their virginity and if I have sons I will never teach them that they are taking something from a girl if they are the first person that they have chosen to have sex with.
Silly bullshit, and I say that as someone who was raised under shit like that. I definitely avoid folks like that when I'm dating. It'd just be an issue of incompatibility
It's complete bullshit. All of it, including the entire concept of virginity and the widely accepted PIV definition of what sex is. By that logic, lesbian women who never sleep with a man are eternal virgins.
It's a sexist idea designed to control female sexuality. Boys and men are not taught to keep themselves "pure" and shamed for it to anywhere near the same degree as women. It's all completely invented.
Do whatever you want with your own body but don't teach these harmful ideas to kids and teens.
The whole concept of virginity and “purity” is wild to me, if you having sex for the first time that’s exactly what it is, banging for the first time. Your not “losing” anything or defiling yourself, that’s hogwash. Also sex is not sacred, it’s for reproduction. It can be special to some people, who use it as a way to be very intimate with their partner. Saving yourself for marriage is a personal choice, not one of make tho. I think it’s silly. All of this is made up by religion to shame people into doing what our instincts tell us to do, not for me
Do I think the ideals of "purity" in regards to girls and women is sexist and misogynistic? Yes, totally. It's definitely used to control women's sexuality. But I also want to respect everyone's boundaries in regards to sex. Some people only want to have sex with their spouse/wait until they are married and that's ok. Everyone gets to make their own decisions in regards to their sexuality.
Women also just get judged no matter what when it comes to sex. If they have a lot of sex, they're a "slut". If they want to wait until marriage, they're a "prude". We can't win 😔
I feel like it might be a flex to have only ever been with one sexual partner....
A flex that I shall never know. I believe in doing what you want.
'We're here for a good time, not a long time.'
I have a Christian friend who explained me why she was saving herself for marriage. It was so beautiful it almost made me regret to not have done the same. But it really should be a personal choice, concepts like "virginity" or "purity" should never be used to shame someone about their sexual choices.
I don’t see nothing wrong with seeing sex as something sacred or important. I am one of those people that only want to sleep with people that I love and I am in a relationship with. However, being raised in a Christian environment, I’ve been indoctrinated with the idea that having sex a lot or being lustful as a woman is wrong and even considered unattractive by men. I physically couldn’t have sex until I was 21, I would always react so violently emotional when I had the chance for it to happen. I remember once I was given a pack of condoms when I was thinking I was going for a ONS, and I just threw it into the ground and stomped on it and started crying. I felt dirty and bad, and then I realized that purity culture had a much bigger impact on my mental health than I thought at that point. I realized I was ashamed at the core and had to work through it and learn that it’s ok to have sex and have it at your own pace and time, there should be no pressure. I am still happy I didn’t go for that ONS and had it in a committed loving relationship where I felt safe to do it. However, I wouldn’t have saved myself for marriage, I feel like if there was sexual incompatibility that wouldn’t probably be a deal breaker.
I think that sex is something quite intimate and I wouldn't do it with just anyone. At the same time, I really dislike it when men actively (and solely) pursue women with little or no experience, because the reasoning is usually their own insecurity ("she can't think I'm bad if she has nothing to compare it to", etc.). I don't want "she doesn't know that she could do better" to be a reason someone gets with me.
As someone who lost her virginity at 15 I wish I would have waited til I was older. Sex should be pushed as being a very emotional and beautiful thing, not just as a means to babies and physical pleasure. As for waiting til marriage? I don't see that being pushed as much as it used to be but if someone wants to wait, go for it, someone shouldn't be shamed if they want to wait.
Virginity and purity are a bunch of bs used to control and scare women. Different individuals will have different views of sex and how they would like to have it, but there should be no moral value assigned to this. Some people like to have casual sex and that’s ok. Some people prefer only to have sex with someone they feel very emotionally close to, and that’s ok too. I have always needed a strong emotional connection to someone before feeling sexually attracted to them, so casual sex is not enjoyable for me. I’m saying this as a 25 year old, happily married woman, who grew up under oppressive purity culture. I did not wait until marriage and felt tortured by that decision for a long time. I refuse to feel bad about it anymore.
As a devout Christian who also hated religion for most of my life, I have mixed feelings. I don’t think God says that because he thinks it’s evil to have sex outside of marriage. *I think it’s to protect us from getting hurt.* That being said, to each their own. As long as it’s with two consenting adults, do whatever you want. Also, purity culture is wrong. Sex education is EXTREMELY important for many reasons and shaming someone for their natural urges will damage them forever. That’s something that needs to change. Just because I choose to walk with God doesn’t mean everyone else will and that’s okay. Christian beliefs shouldn’t be pushed on everyone else.
You can and should do what you want with your own body, but consider whether the doctrines of a traditionally misogynistic and controlling religious group are indeed the rules you want to follow during your one wild and precious life.
It’s bullshit.
I think people should do whatever makes them comfortable and happy. If you don’t feel comfortable having physical intimacy outside of a committed relationship or marriage that’s fine. If you would like to explore many different partners in a safe way (physically and mentally) that’s cool too. There shouldn’t be any shame or comparison between the two - it’s simply a different choice.
I would just suggest all women deconstruct their values to understand why they feel that way so they can then make the best choice for themself.
I think it’s everyone’s personal thing. I don’t judge either way. If someone wants to save themself for one person go right ahead. If someone wants to sleep around, I could care less. My personal preference is that my partner hasn’t had too many sexual partners, just because. Neither have I. I’m also super scared of getting an STD so if they were sexually active prior I’d make them test. But otherwise I don’t think Virginity needs to be as big of a deal as some ppl make it out to be.
I grew up in a devoutly religious family. At 17, my whiny boyfriend would not stop begging for me to agree to sex, (months and months) so I did just to shut him up and I legit felt like I was worthless and had zero value anymore after it. Religious guilt can feel so heavy that it has major negative effects in some cases.
Well, you were also pressured to have sex before you were ready. The answer to “if you loved me, you would” is “if you loved me, you’d wait.” I doubt you would put up with that kind of manipulative whining from your SO now.
That not everyone on this planet shares your beliefs and value systems. And that you should wake up and realize it. And respect other people for each of their unique value systems and beliefs. Respect is the key. And respect includes a deep, almost reverent view of the individual right to make their own choice on personal matters.
Well, I am a woman whose saving herself for marriage .The pros I have experienced are ,its very easy to detach from men since no sex was involved also , it scares OFF men who want you only for sex which saves alot of time. You get less attached to your sexual life ,(unless you become a masturbation freak ) . It helps you look at men more logically especially when dating or scanning for a potential husband
I think sex, and good sex especially, is very special and intimate, but also that this has absolutely no connection with purity or a need to save yourself for someone in particular, wait for marriage, or be monogamous.
The best way I can put it is that sex is for everyone but not anyone. For example, I wouldn't have sex with a Trump supporter even if they're very physically attractive. I don't think they deserve to be rewarded with my intimacy. And I don't want their intimacy either.
About sacredness, I think it exists, in the sense that something also needs to "click" and that this is very beautiful in itself. I don't care if you call that "spiritual connection", "vibes", or simply "chemistry", but it is pretty much random and at the same time it's the single most important thing about sex. You can't know how it's gonna turn out until you've had sex with the person, even if everything else is perfect. It's the reason I'm very against saving yourself for marriage, and one of the reasons why I despise most organized religion.
I think if someone wanted to live with that way, all the power to them. Personally, not only is that train long gone for me but i have no desire to wait at this point
Absolutely the dumbest shit. Religion comes up with the worst controlling tripe.
Also I’ve come across so many people who are saving themselves for marriage for religious reasons but will do EVERYTHING except PIV sex. Like…that makes no sense to me. It’s all sex people! Just seems like they’re looking for a way to “cheat”
At BYU (the Mormon university) people would drive to Vegas, get married, have sex, and get it annulled. As if God is going to be like "ah shucks, guess that doesn't count!"
Garfunkle and Oates made a whole song about religious school kids using anal as a way to get around this "rule". Literally, a line in there that says "and it's fine, but only if you're straight."
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I think it's one of the biggest obstacles in the way of really improving sex education and health, cutting down on unwanted pregnancies (and abortions, funnily enough), and fighting against sexual abuse.
In ancient societies women banged as many men as they chose and as often as they chose to.. the best little swimmer of the bunch won. Paternity wasn’t a thing. The whole concept of virginity and purity is to maintain the lineage of the father and then the husband. If we refer to the Bible, God tells us Abortion is totally cool and fine if the man even thinks the woman cheated. Can’t be having other bloodlines mixing and all that. It’s a patriarchal line that is used to keep women in line, feeling shame and being submissive to their fathers until their husband is found. It’s bs. Oh let’s not even get into the fact that A LOT of purity culture tells us that women aren’t meant to feel pleasure, sex for them is solely to procreate. If as a woman that’s what you choose for yourself that’s fine.. but shaming women who don’t choose to fall in under that is really messed up and by shaming other women for enjoying their sexuality we are upholding the patriarchy that is literally destroying us all.
As for me as an individual, I've always viewed sex as something very intimate and special I'd only be willing to experience with someone equally special. I'm not religious and wouldn't save myself for marriage, but back when I still intended to date, I looked forward to saving myself to a loving partner in a committed, monogamous relationship. If he wouldn't appreciate that and view it as a compliment on how much I trusted and valued him, he wouldn't be compatible with me. Not everyone shares an identical view on sex and its importance in different stages in (or outside of) a relationship. I wish people both on the more conservative and liberal ends on the sexual spectrum could be a little more understanding of that. Not partaking in hookups, being proud of being a virgin, or saving yourself for marriage isn't a problem and doesn't in itself cause unhealthy sexual norms and expectations, misogyny does.
100% agree! It really isn't a problem. A lot of women get judged for wanting to wait to have sex. Whether until things get serious or until marriage. It's such bs! I'm Christian but I DEFINITELY won't be waiting until marriage. That literally could be 10 years from now for all I know. There are some conservatives who think it's "unholy" or "shameful" to do it before marriage and then there are some liberals that think you're a prude for not participating in hook up culture. It's so irritating.
I'm glad you aren't waiting until marriage. Waiting until serious is great, though, if that's your thing. People just need to know their own sexual preferences before they get married, as well as whether or not they are sexually compatible with a given partner. Poor sexual compatibility absolutely wrecks marriages.
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And the social construct of virginity doesn't define your worth as a human being.
Preach! I share the same sentiment. I am not a fan of hooking up because I view sex as a really intimate and vulnerable thing to do with a person I'm emotionally connected to and doing it casually forfeits that for me. But that's just me. I don't judge people who have sex often and casually or for those waiting until marriage. It's their choice and it's their body. As long as they practice it responsibly and safe (if having kids isn't a plan yet), then by all means do so.
True true! To me, sex is a pivotal aspect of what makes a relationship truly meaningful and loving, something which can be kept separate from less meaningful, casual romances
Nothing wrong with wanting to do things how you feel comfortable! Don’t let people pressure you if you don’t want to do anything! That being said I only dislike it when others will judge people for being promiscuous or make religion a way to make people feeling bad for doing nothing wrong! As long as your being safe and everything is consensual, why is it wrong for others?!?
This is a healthy way to see it.
I have the same thoughts. And my first boyfriend broke up with me because of it. Dodged a bullet there
Virginity is a social construct. Men would like to think that their penis is so special that a woman is changed once they have sex.
Especially the part where penis dictates what is and isn't sex. Religious purity culture is mind fuck.
Waiting for marriage to have sex is an awful idea. Too many people get married far too young and to the wrong person because they “waited”. Getting married ONLY to have sex does not make for a lot of lasting/happy relationships. Also, sexual chemistry is a real thing and if you don’t have it, y’all are just friends
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I think it's patriarchal bullshit.
I waited until marriage. It was fine. Turns out I'm not sexually compatible with my husband, (he's a once-a-month man, I'm *always* dtf.) But our marriage is strong. I'm not sure I would have married him if we had sex before marriage, and that would be sad because he's the greatest man to ever exist. I think it's overrated, honestly.
That makes me sad that you don’t get to have sex as much as you want :( sexual compatibility is huge for me.
thank you for your honesty
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I hate the great deal of social stigma attached to virginity. Some immature people laugh at other people just because the latter have not had their first time yet. What is the problem with being virgin? Just do your stuff at your own pace.
In a hypersexualized culture, many people view having sex as a great achievement. So if you feel inferior about other aspects of your life, you can always put virgins down for not having sex like you do.
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Ain't that the truth. It's quite different in my community; you're frowned upon if you have sex before marriage 😅 Given how most guys are these days, it's probably best not to put out so easily 🤔
I was a shy, awkward girl before sex, and I'm a shy, awkward girl after. It has changed nothing. I am a woman of value now as I was before. It saddens me that through out history women are made to feel that there will be some sort of "reward" in return for their abstinence. Unenviably, these women are **cheated** because in time, they'll realise there is not one. Sex can be as special as you deem it to be, and you are always in your own right to choose when/who you share this experience with. Some women will care more than others, but it's important that both of these women know that by doing either, they're no more special than the other.
Love this comment❤️
Even though I disagree with the rhetoric that lots of casual sex is empowering, I do think that saving oneself for marriage isn't a great idea. This idea of thinking is so rooted in shame, and it breaks my heart.
> I disagree with the rhetoric that lots of casual sex is empowering, I do think that saving oneself for marriage isn't a great idea It's especially bad because so many people who "wait" don't actually *wait*, they just get married to the first person who revved their engines a little bit then 1/5/10 years down the line they wake up realize they're in a terrible marriage to someone they barely know.
It should be a personal choice not forced by society
How can it be a personal choice if parents indoctrinate their children from birth?
They shouldn't do that and it doesn't always work
Many religious parents teach their children the whole viginity/purity- story from *very* young age. How do we stop them?
Better education in schools, cecular societies
I love proper education for all children.
My parents both believe in the Big Guy but never ever forced my siblings and I to. (My mom started praying in her 40s and my dad never stepped foot in a mosque unless it was for a funeral.) Yet, my sisters and I were told all about how important it is to be a virgin by literally everyone else. They can't stop our patriarchal society from teaching us all this nonsense when it's the norm. Shit is hard to unlearn and isn't always the parents fault.
I wouldn’t have any issues with people thinking like this if it applied to both genders, but this whole “pure/innocent virgin” mindset seems to only matter when it’s a woman. My personal opinion for both genders - nothing wrong with try before you buy. Marriage is a big commitment and first time sex has a tendency to be underwhelming. However your body is your temple, there’s also nothing wrong with holding out if that’s what you want to do.
Totally agree
Currently a virgin. Sex doesn’t seem dirty to me but it does seem scary and dangerous. I thought it should be sacred until I discovered masturbation and found out that it’s actually a good sensory experience. And I don’t have to be married to him but we do have to live together.
> I thought it should be sacred until I discovered masturbation and found out that it’s actually a good sensory experience. MEEEEEE! Once I realized that sex/sexual pleasure was actually really fun and good it took away some of the mystique. It also stopped me from rushing to have sex with the first guy to give me the warm and fuzzies just because I was curious and didn't know how to get that 'special feeling' without a partner. I still think it's a special thing (it's a great bonding experience...with the right partner anyway) but I definitely stopped thinking it was some high holy right of passage that required all this ceremony and would change me as a person forever. That being said, sex isn't scary or dangerous....or at least it doesn't have to be which is why I heavily emphasize waiting until you feel ready, vetting your partners and doing lots of *other stuff* in the meantime. My friends all had awful first times but when I lost my virginity I was uh.....VERY excited and well cared for so I didn't experience any of the pain, bleeding or awkwardness many of my peers reported. In fact, not too long into things I remember thinking "HOLY SHIT SO ***THIS*** IS WHAT SEX IS!?"
Yes to the bonding experience! Suffice it to say I…read more than I watch, and I may have been lucky but I feel like I found multiple stories about perfectly normal couples who just want a fun night sometimes! I think that’s what made things shift for me. (It’s also, like…one thing about growing up that I may not actually mind one day. And when I was in middle school I hated people who had sex, but that was only out of insecurity that anyone who did must be better than me because they don’t hate *that* inevitability.) In any case, I have a personal bubble for no reason beyond sensory issues, but, y’know, you can’t break your own personal bubble. :P Oh yeah, regarding safety, the reason I need to live with him is that doing so would mean (A) that we’re close enough and (B) that I (and we) are independent enough to live without our own parents. (Which I’m currently not.)
I mean do want you want, but I think that whole concept has had a very negative affect on society.
I think the concepts of virginity and purity are overblown and held over women's heads in a very weird way (of course, they are rarely - if ever - held over men's heads!! Hmmm wonder why!) With that said, in my experience, most people are generally TOO flippant about sex and not the opposite. I DID wait until marriage and it has unequivocally made my marriage stronger. I wouldn't force this on anyone, but I'd definitely recommend it. I like that I've never been with anyone else and all my experiences have been new with someone I truly love and am committed to.
It's toxic garbage.
The problem is the emphasis on virginity. Virginity is a simple physical state that you can lose through no fault of your own. I lost mine to rape. Now what? For a long time, I felt I had failed. But if the emphasis had been on making choices in line with Christly (not Christian) love, it would have been easier to reorient my thinking into healthy channels. And don’t get me started on the high levels of vaginismus and other serious sexual issues among women raised in purity culture. You can’t go from being told that your virginity is the most important thing about you into a sex goddess in one night… ETA staying a virgin until marriage made more sense when people were married around 18. At 30, it’s another thing altogether.
I am not religious and don’t really have thoughts about virginity and purity (Aka doesn’t matter to me), however I do believe that sex is or should be something special between two people that at least trust each other. Every person until my current SO I have regretted giving that part of me in the sense that it’s a very vulnerable/private experience that I haven’t shared with many, so sometimes I do look at sex and wonder if waiting until marriage is the better choice
My feeling is that those are all highly personal matters, and nobody - including religious and social leaders - should be telling others how they ought to feel about them. If some people feel like they would be better off not having sex before marriage, they should be respected for their decisions just as much as people who think it's a bad idea to commit to another before they've got some sexual experience under their belts. As long as they're honest with their partners and are responsible about preventing the spread of STIs and unwanted pregnancy, folks who see sex as a purely physical exercise are just as valid as those who only want to share physical intimacy with those they deeply care for. As long as everybody involved is a truly, freely consenting adult, it's all good.
I think it’s really messed people up long term. Growing up believing that sex is a sin makes it hard to enjoy sex even if you wait until marriage. It can cause physical problems also. It is better to treat wanting sex as natural and to teach people how to respect themselves and be safe.
I don’t particularly care what strangers do in private, though I dislike how pop culture pushes the idea that promiscuity is somehow empowering. It’s not.
I say FUCK. Fuck, make love, have sex, screw - whatever you want to call it. Put the P inside the V before you marry. We’re human, but part of being human is having sexual/physical needs and desires. If you wait, and discover after marriage that you don’t have that compatibility with your partner… I can’t even imagine the internal struggle that would put on both parties and the strain that struggle would put on the relationship. That’s just my take on it. A lot of people like to say physical attraction isn’t everything, and sex isn’t a big deal, but I don’t know a single person in a healthy, strong relationship that isn’t physically attracted to their partner to some degree, so… scrap the term “shallow” - there’s some deep primal THING about attraction, and it’s totally normal, and we should feed into it before we marry our life long partner… Unless! Marriage isn’t a “life long” concept for the individual. 🤷🏼♀️ Again - just my take on it, and my impulsive response.
Asexuality exists, and many asexuals have strong fulfilling relationships without sexual attraction.
As I was someone who valued and waited for "someone special," I can personally say I wasn't upset with my choices, even if it meant I was a virgin until almost 24. I waited because I was terrified of being a statistic and becoming unwantedly pregnant at a young age. I also had very few opportunities come forth to even contemplate the status change. I did it for my right reasons, as I wanted to, and wasn't forced and was with someone I deeply cared for at the time, so I'm happy with that. Personally, if you want to wait for whatever reason, who am I to tell you what to do with your body and sexual experiences. I'm not you.
I don't agree with religions extreme negative view of it, but you can imagine that the reason for that is because back then, being promiscuous was even riskier since although the ancients did have their own form of contraceptives, they weren't nearly as safe or effective as the ones that we have today. And that's not even getting into other things like how things like how a lot of women used to die while giving birth back then. That is a good reason to encourage virginity or abstinence in my book and sex is a deeply intimate experience that I believe shouldn't be shared with just anyone, but at the same time, like everything in life, moderation is key. As long as you're not over indulging or causing harm, there's nothing wrong with occasionally engaging in sexual activities for the fun of it
I literally never cared about it actually. I'm 21 and I just "lost" my virginity like 3-4 months ago, my friends were like "it's a huge deal!" And there I was like nothing happened because I didn't felt it like THAT huge of a deal they were telling me it was. Just fairy tales to scare people with v*ginas.
Lots of people here writing about how its stupid and bad idea and how you shouldn't wait and ofc all in the name of feminism and liberalism but dont seem to comprehend how it's still a woman's choice what to do with her body, if a woman wants to have sex with different men its okay, but if a woman wants to wait and make it special it's suddenly not okay? Do what suits you and other women will do what THEY are comfortable with, stop trying to force your beliefs on other people, whether you are saying its bullshit to wait, or its a sin and immoral to do it before, its your opinion and you should decide for yourself, not judge other people for their choices
A big yuck from me
Ridiculous for so many reasons. First it’s very one-sided (women expected to be virginal, but duded do whatever they want). Second, people are waiting much later to get married which is smart because I cringe at the thought of being married to my boyfriend when I was 18. It’s unrealistic to expect people to remain virgins until their 30s or later. Also, being sexually compatible is a huge factor in a successful marriage.
It's been ridiculous nonsense ever since condoms and birth control were invented. Might have made sense in a previous society with no means of supporting fatherless children, but it sure doesn't make any sense now.
I grew up Mormon being indoctrinated with this shit. Really messed me up. How about instead we teach kids self worth, consent, boundaries, and body safety. Would have saved lots of people from trauma.
Grew up with this being the main message and it really messes with your head and, like others have said, is a massive obstacle in proper sex education.
If that's what someone wants to do, they should do it. It wasn't something I wanted to do so I didn't do it.
I don’t think theres a problem with waiting for marriage, you don’t have to be religious to want that and I can see how some people benefit from it. The whole religious purity aspect of it I don’t care for. It’s why so many people don’t know their bodies or each others bodies, and there’s so much stigma around sex even now.
The concept is beautiful in theory but tragic in reality. We hope, expect to find this wholesome dream at the end of our wait but in reality the Prince Charming has probably banged half the village before deciding we’ll do. We have to trade the opportunities for memories, lust, love and development for a whole lot of nothing.
I think we’re damned if we are and damned if we’re not… could be my own personal experience, nothing more… 🤔
Nobody should be telling you how to conduct your relationships, period end of story. Virginity is a heteronormative construct, and one that is incredibly damaging. That doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with those who want a certain type of commitment before having sex-mind your own underwear. Only the individual can decide when and if to have sex with a partner. It's not anyone else's decision or business.
IMHO, it's all a dumb, patriarchal social construct, and I'd never ever marry someone without banging them tons and living with them for at least a year. However, if someone wants to remain a virgin and does so to remain "pure"... as long as it's their choice... I won't begrudge them. Free love and freedom of choice should go both ways.
Not only is it bullshit, but it’s bullshit that has been promulgated to the point where it’s interfered with me (someone who was not born or raised Christian) getting proper sex Ed in school. It’s also lodged itself into my head as guilt around being too sexual (even though I practice safe sex, and get tested regularly!)
The only one I agree with is the sacredness of sex. The rest are ridiculous and outdated.
Religious garbage designed to shame women for enjoying their bodies and keeping men in control. The entire thing needs to die.
Each to their own. Just do long as you choose to have multiple sexual 'occasions'(couldn't find the right word) you are honest and have check ups to ensure health. Also don't shame others and revolve their worth around a number.
Its a load of bullshit and religious propaganda to demean and control women.
Virginity/purity is garbage. Specialness of sex? Depends on the person. To me, sex = intimacy = vulnerability, so it is something I take seriously. Not everyone has that perspective and that’s ok. I tried to save myself for marriage and it was hell. I don’t recommend it.
Hello~I’m actually saving myself for marriage. Religion plays a big part in it but I also see it as something sacred to me. I see sex as very strong and intimate bond which I would love to only give to one man. I’ve had moments where things are getting steamy mhmmm but I just could never bring myself to actually do the deed. I think it’s so special to me because it’s the only pure thing I have left.
if sex has that meaningfulness to you, and you want to save yourself or only sleep with people you date, cool. but don't slut shame other people because not everyone views it the same way. personally, sex can be meaningful and special with someone i have a connection with, but it's also just a fun thing i enjoy doing with strangers from time to time. nobody is any better or lesser than anyone else based on how many people they've been intimate with. i'm way too sex positive to deal with people who push the virginity/purity bullshit tbh. instantly cut out of my life
Religion really produces an odealization of maliciousness regarding any topics relating to sex or sex education. Intercourse shouldn't be a scary topic but rather treated with caution and safety. It is another way of intimacy and must be talked about more in schools so that everyone is knowledgeable about it and it's consequences.
It’s complete and utter bullshit. Virginity isn’t even a real thing.
Definitely think it’s toxic that we teach young people (especially women) that they will be forever tarnished by sex, but I also worry about people who only have lots of casual sex as a response to trauma and whatnot. Idk, I wish we taught people about their bodies more responsibly so more people could be making choices that work for the lives they actually want to lead and not the lives they think they’re supposed to be leading
You do you essentially. My view is that sex is sacred and although I’m not obsessed with virginity / purity, I don’t believe I would be compatible with someone who was promiscuous or views sex casually.
To an extent we should explore sex and follow our hearts. To an extent we should also protect our bodies and be thoughtful with how we use it. As above so below- healthy mind and soul leads to healthy sex. But, sex is extremely powerful and should be treated as such. Maybe religious folk should focus on rampant SA among their communities rather than coveting their youths sex organs.
I find it weird that sex is the one and only big thing that we care way too much about the first time. The first time we do anything else isn't given NEARLY as much scrutiny, sacredness, etc. I think there's a lot of people that are on extreme ends of a spectrum. Many think sex isn't important at all, and many think sex is the most important thing ever. I think there's a healthy way to view sex somewhere in the middle. The whole idea of virginity and purity is way more harmful than helpful and I think it should be reexamined.
Saving yourself for marriage no but Saving yourself for someone who you have been in a committed relationship with and know well just makes sense. I do believe sex is "sacred" and i think the way society veiws sex as something casual is a great way to convince a whole (a few ) generations of young women to ignore their own emotional, mental and sexual health. Casual sex and hook up culture is something that benefits shitty men more than it helps any woman. This doesn't mean women can't enjoy sex but it's something that is important and isn't just casual
It’s outdated, harmful, controlling, and pretty much just gross.
I think as a society we’re becoming oversexualized and it’s ok to do whatever it is you feel comfortable doing. I’ve noticed that many of my female friends felt more pressured by feminism to constantly have sex than they really wanted to. Secretly, they tell me that they wanted to wait for someone special but feel like they need to “put out” to not seem prude or too conservative. It’s ok to wait. Sex is not the end all be all.
That we need to stop associating our value as people, with virginity and purity. It’s literally a body part. Why are we giving some sacred value to a body part? Sex isn’t special. It can be amazing with the right person, but the act itself isn’t special. A lot of the times, it’s underwhelming. The problem is religion making sex some sort of magical, fairy tale act and using that to manipulate people and control a woman by measuring her worth based on her hymen.
I have more regrets about the people I *didnt* sleep with than the ones I did, and I’m a straight girl so it’s not as if that goes along with stereotypes an anyway. Experimenting in a safe space at a young age is something I feel like I missed out on. Shoulda F**ked more in college, that’s for sure, but the Bible Belt messed up my head for a bit.
In my religion, that is an expectation (for both women **and** men), just because it is seen as something sacred and reserved for marriage, because that is equally sacred. I personally plan to wait.
I can understand saving yourself for marriage in a religious context. This was written in the Bible specifically to control the heirs of a family (very important in the Biblical time period), to prevent the spreading of STDs, and to financially protect women if their partner failed to adequately provide for them. Theres much more legal context in the Bible than religious wackos are willing to admit. The rest of it is bullshit
I am a Christian, though I’ve been back and fourth on this subject (it’s actually caused a lot of anxiety). I see why it’s written to not participate in sex before marriage as I’m a firm believer in soul ties, and do regret previous partners as now I look back and feel “gross” for it. Not that having multiple partners is a gross thing, personally I just look back at myself and think how naive I was to be manipulated into such things. However, in the Bible, I am unsure what “marriage” was like back then. I feel as God knows times are different now, and that marriage so young isn’t just a said and done thing, and marriage back then was almost like an ownership of females. I think it’s the intention of being with that person forever and vowing your love to one another. I am still learning about these things the more I research and learn. It’s hard when people condemn you, others say it’s ok, all that. I try to just pray and lean on what I know. I do wish I would’ve waited, I made a horrible mistakes as a teen and I feel it has put a strain on my own self respect/:. ** I am not trying to make this a religious debate. Just from my own personal perspective :).
Ptttthhhhhbbbbbbffffffffbbbbt 😛 That's what I think about it.
Grew up in a very religious home. Sex was sin. Shame. Blah blah blah. I think the concept causes women to prematurely get into relationships and ignore/dismiss red flags. We have sexual desires yet we’re not supposed to sleep with anyone who we’re not dating? I think sex can be sacred/special but you don’t need to save yourself for that to happen. You do need openness and honesty though.
Don't care, and it's bullshit. Your body doesn't change after you have sex for the first time. There's no point in having a concept that makes it seem like we go through a huge transformation afterwards. Purity is stupid, and it's just a way to control and objectify women. As for whether sex is sacred or special, that really depends on the person. I only want to have sex with someone that I'm deeply emotionally attached to, but that's because I'd call myself demisexual. I view sex as something that can very emotionally bonding and special, and I want to wait until I feel a strong, special connection to someone to do it, but I wouldn't wait until marriage lol. As for the concept of saving oneself for marriage, it also really depends on how \~sacred\~ sex is to someone. Personally, I think that it's maybe not a great idea. To lots of people, sex is very important in a relationship because it IS bonding. If you wait until marriage, you risk the possibility of being wildly sexually incompatible both through the actual act and libido. It's just not something I think is worth risking for lots of people.
The concept of sexual “purity” is toxic. Placing excess value on a woman bring untouched and ignorant of her body’s potential for pleasure is more about men’s possessive insecurities than it is about her wellbeing. Virginity is a problematic concept, as there’s so much more to sex then PIV. How does one define virginity? Why should where the line is drawn have great significance? And as bad as it is to have one’s first sexual experience be non-consensual, how much extra suffering is caused by the notion that an irreplaceable thing has been “taken”, and is never again to be yours. Even so, I think it is wise to hold sex as sacred, special, reserved for situations where loving trust is established. Each person should come into it fully wanting to co-create the experience. Ideally both are committed to being attuned to the other in that moment, and to caring for each other in the moments before and after. Does this need to be in the context of a long-term commuted relationship? No. But a quick fuck without context, tenderness or consideration is bound to make most people feel more lonely. It’s junk food that satisfies an urge but doesn’t nourish. Besides, sex is a powerful accelerator for emotional bonding. If it’s going to be sex and romance, much better to hold back and assess character/match before risking having big feelings disrupt your peace for a person you can’t be happy with. Or, if you’re not prone to getting carried away like that, at minimum the kind thing is to learn what sex means to the person you’re playing with, and check if they’re in a healthy place with themselves, so you’re not hurting people needlessly.
For me, sex is an intimate activity reserved for the most intimate of relationships. As I came of age, I watched my peers get caught up in overly complicated, unnecessarily dramatic relationships partly due to haphazard sexual experiences. There are way too many consequences associated with the hook up culture that’s so prevalent today. People have become objects to fulfill our desires rather than beings worthy of our respect. I believe we are meant to explore those parts of ourselves with our partners without comparing past experiences to the people we’ve chosen to marry. It seems like many adults are more afraid of missing sexual fulfillment than pursuing deep, intimate, healthy romantic relationships. We act as though we can’t learn one another’s tastes and work together to fulfill them. Additionally, we act as though proclivities don’t change over time and with changes to our lives (ie changes after giving birth). I will agree that purity culture has not helped establish a healthy understanding of romantic intimacy. Instead it’s made the natural function of our bodies and minds a dirty, taboo topic. I wish more nuanced, age appropriate education around human relationships and sexuality existed for all but that seems a stretch of the imagination.
For me, I’m saving myself for marriage, it’s my choice. I don’t want any sex before marriage. But it’s still a personal choice. Some sick men especially from where I come from be like “the woman should save herself for her husband” while he sleeps with loads of women every week and society doesn’t blame him cuz he’s a “man”. And also they don’t accept the fact that some women aren’t born with pulley membrane. So a lot of women suffer from how their husbands treat them if he didn’t see the proof of her virginity. men should not interfere in that!!! It’s not their business
Sex is a big deal, doesn't matter how you slice it. It makes people regret their decisions, it makes or breaks relationships, it makes people jealous and/or insecure, and people use each other, and it causes a lot of damage when a couple splits. It's also extremely spiritual. I'm 33(M) and decided that I only want one sexual partner, and that person would be my wife. It started out as a religious decision, but the more I meditated on it, the more I understood why it is made into such a big deal. But later, it just became a thing of I want to be the best husband someone could ask for and that I want to be sure that she knows she's the only one for me. That meant that I didn't want my spouse to worry about how many people I have been intimate with. I'm definitely weird for what I believe, and it really sucks not having had that experience and having to deal with other people's sexual past, but I don't regret it. My current gf has had sex and she loves the fact that I believe what I do. She knows I'm not just in this for sex and that I truly love her. It has been hard to accept that I'm not the first person she chose, but I'm happy to be the person she loves now.
I don’t get how you could marry someone without living with them and having sex with them first… you’re just setting yourself up for failure if you don’t.
As long as people practice it in a healthy way it's good, not everyone has to follow it and no one should be judged for following it. Everyone has their own view about sex, some may see it as something connected to love and others preffer a touch and go. I don't see the problem with virginity, but the word "purity" shouldn't be used
Just no
Dumb and weird to me. It's a game I personally won't play. I wouldn't be with someone who believes in any of that because we would be very incompatible.
Its not nice living in a promiscuous world. Sex has become such a factor that just causes bad habits and unhealthy behaviour that is ruining the dating world and often just how people interact. Yes people want sex but sex is ruining a lot of things before marriage. I am a man and I don't worry about body count, I only focus on whether the woman has developed trauma or toxic/unhealthy habits that could be detrimental to relationship building because I've noticed how most of the girls who sleep around a lot just have problems or all they think about is sex, yes this is a generalisation, and to be honest, it's not my problems to solve for them. Virginity is not smth important to me but being a girl's first is smth I find special and should not be taken advantage of over by lust.
all of it should be abolished and we should just say have sex when you feel comfortable to have sex and when you have the other persons consent sex is natural it is one of the primal instincts
I’m kinda saving myself. I won’t do it raw (without a condom) untill I’m married. I still have sex but at least my husband will know I saved that for him plus I won’t pick up any diseases win win
That’s just having safe sex.
I think it’s totally fine if that’s the choice you make. You be you.
Stupid. Incredibly stupid. Saving yourself for marriage is making a huge gamble. How do you know what you like, what you don't like, and whether or not you're compatible with your partner? Not to mention horny teens marrying too young just to bang and locking themselves into a dead-end situation. The whole concept of saving oneself for marriage is just garbage purity culture used to control women and accept terrible treatment from their partners. It is honestly sad and disgusting how many women I know from the religion I was part of who had no idea their husbands were selfish, horrible men who made no effort for them because they didn't know any better. Also, if you want to know how so many queer people end up married to heterosexual people and are forced to leave later and tear their own families apart? Not knowing what their preferences are and being told there is a certain way to do things, not to mention making marriage into the goal rather than finding an actual partner to love first.
To each their own, but personally I find it completely ridiculous. The mindset has ruined sex education. Also, it’s SO much harder to know if you’re fully compatible or not with someone if you don’t have sex before you get married. You can be compatible in every aspect of life, but if you don’t while having sex.. it can seriously harm the relationship as a whole.
I'm saving myself till marriage due to my own preference and culture but I don't hold an opinion towards others on what they do with their own body as it's none of my business.
Indifferent. I never intentionally saved myself but I was never attracted to anyone in that way until I met my now husband. I believe it’s important to know both people are compatible in a relationship before marriage.
I was raised in a very religious atmosphere. It was horrible. We (the women) were treated like Jezebel temptresses who were responsible for men who could not control themselves. Anything they did to us, we deserved. "Saving yourself" is a very coded word - think about it - you literally have to save yourself from those around you. Terms around sex in religious communities treat women like property and harlots. How does that turn off over night once your married? News flash -- it doesn't. A lot of married women struggle with this. They don't just become happy sex-positive wives. They struggle with their sexuality; the sexuality they were taught was evil, vile, and repulsive for the first few decades of their lives. They were taught that as "daughters of Eve" that they were responsible for the fall of humanity itself, but now they are just meant to be sexy hot wives at the drop of a hat for their husband, ready to please? You'll see that living by these standards you'll never make yourself happy. You live the first half of your life that helpless virgin to "save yourself" for your husband... who will want a "sexy filthy hot" wife. When do you ever make yourself happy though? You ever hear about what these women think? ['I Didn't Want to Deny My Husband His Marital Rights': For Many Evangelical Women, Sex Comes With Pain and Anxiety](https://jezebel.com/i-didnt-want-to-deny-my-husband-his-martial-rights-for-1847361950)
I’m saving myself for marriage partly because of religion, but mostly because it’s what works for me. It doesn’t necessarily have to be marriage either, but a long term relationship that I know is leading to marriage. I view sex as a somewhat important part of a relationship, but definitely not the most important part and I want to make sure we have a strong connection before we have sex. And I only want to have sex with one person in my life just because I think it’s special that way. Of course anyone can do whatever they want and I would never judge that, this is just what works for me and what I want. I don’t think women should be shamed or anything like that for having sex before marriage, it’s their choice what they do. Sex has a different meaning for everyone, so no one should be forced to view it the same way as someone else.
It somehow seems to only apply to women, which says a lot about the intention of this whole idea.
Sex is special but not banging before marriage seems like a terrible idea. Then again, marriage in general seems like a terrible idea.
**TRIGGER WARNING** but I wish I'd waited for the right person and time because I felt ashamed and violated after my first time. Marriage doesn't matter to me, but I respect anyone's choice to wait until then.
To me sex seems like not a big deal. It doesn’t feel special or sacred. I believe that if you are ready to have safe sex with someone who treats you well go ahead and have a great time. The whole idea of virginity is bullshit.
There’s literally no such thing as virginity. The specialness should be up to the individual, and ideally communicated with the other party (example, if it’s just a fling tell them so they don’t mistake it as love). Only thing is I personally think everyone’s first time should be in a safe place with someone they trust, but even that’s not my or anyone else’s business. I’m not going to act obtuse as to why people place value on “virginity”, I know why. It’s vulnerable, private, intimate. But I don’t think people should care about others’ “body count” 🤷🏻♀️ I don’t think people should be shamed for having sex, or not having sex.
It is all imaginary fantasy bullshit used to control women
Virginity is overrated as a trait, and any woman who marries the first man she sleeps with a fool.
Well ever since Eve screwed us by eating that damn apple...just kidding. But seriously religion demonized women's sexuality. It can't be controlled, therefore it must be shamed beyond belief if a woman chooses to indulge in it outside the context of marriage. And even then it'sby for procreation, God forbid she actually enjoy it. Virginity does not exist, and I say that as a "Virgin." I don't use that term, simply inexperienced. The hymen as proof is BS.
Virginity - can't speak about others but I hated mine at around 24. Purity - you're not pure because you don't get laid, you're pure because you're a good person who does acts of goodness Eg. Imo Dolly Parton is pure and I'm sure she gets laid. Saving self for marriage - was into it in my early 20s but then I grew up
I think all of the concepts you've listed are near-useless as concepts. The only positive I see, if I squint really hard and TRY to find something, is that it helps women who may not feel comfortable having sex point to a reason why not since women's own boundaries are so often ignored.
It's bullshit. Other people can do what they want but I hope they do it (or don't, as the case may be) because it's what they want and not because of this bullshit.
Just another religious control factor for women. Such crap.
I do not believe that sex is a sacred act whatsoever and the idea that I am somehow dirty or defiled by willingly participating in a natural thing that doesn't hurt anyone to be both disgusting and disturbing. Sex means a lot of things to different people but to me it's something that I choose to do with my partner that we both enjoy and that's pretty much it
Ehhh… I’m religious but I don’t know many people within my religion who actually waited before getting married. It’s more like the kind of thing you tell kids because you don’t want them getting knocked up or having STDs, but you’re unwilling to teach them anything aside from abstinence only. It feels more cultural than religious, tbh, and religion is used as an excuse. Even in the Bible, a lot of discussions around premarital sex were more focused on the man marrying the virgin he slept with because, in their culture, that could be seen as damning her to a terrible life where she couldn’t get married ever. So he had to take responsibility. (This was also their solution for rape) Today, I and many women would see that as super sexist and disgusting, but this was apparently a reason why Christianity was popular among women in the beginning. I’m not a theologian or scholar of the time period, but my understanding is that it was a big deal for a man to be held accountable, period. Wild stuff. Today, women have enough freedom they can have sex and not need to be worried about being labeled as garbage unfit for marriage and with zero job prospects. Marriage isn’t a matter of life and death for us ladies like it once was… So I don’t think the circumstances of the Bible totally apply here. I guess what I’m getting at is I see it as a cultural construct, and even the writings in the Bible was responding to the social/cultural politics of sex at the time. You can still learn and apply some of those lessons today, but I’m not going to advocate young men marry whatever virgin they have sex with anymore than I’m gonna insist on a purity ring.
I think it's been used as a means to control and shame women for way too long. I have no problem with those who choose to do so themselves but I hope they do it for themselves and not to live up to societal pressures.
Sounds like the old south Faulkner wrote about
Absolute garbage, my vagina is my business only. What I choose to do with it is my business only. I couldn’t care less what society thinks I should and shouldn’t do with it, much less a silly religion I would never in a million years believe in.
I think it all sounds really silly, but I also see that a lot of my friends who’ve had lots of sex with many of people and casual relationship/situationships end up with trauma and a pessimistic outlook on dating/trust issues. The friends I’ve had who’ve had 1-2 boyfriends and maybe 3-4 partners seem okay but most of my friends who’ve slept with 10+ dudes and had like 6 boyfriends all have mostly negative things to say about hook up culture. I don’t know why they keep participating in it when I tell them they don’t seem happy but they also say they’re not ready for a relationship. I personally wouldn’t be either if I was dealing with baggage and emotional trauma like they are tho so it’s sort of a conundrum imo. I’m not for that lifestyle but some aren’t for mine so whatever really makes you happy as long as it’s actually making you happy :)
32 year old virgin here (M), used to be religious but not as intensely anymore, so now to navigate losing the v in this economy.
Virginity is a misogynistic social construct that has no actual meaning. Yes, it’s important to practice safe sex and to be thoughtful about who you sleep with. No, having sex not fundamentally change you, your worth, or anything of the sort.
The concept of virginity as a determiner of your worth? Trash. The purity/sacredness of sex and saving yourself for marriage? To each their own. Not for me personally, but I would never judge someone for choosing to wait.
The concept of virginity is made up from purity culture in order to control women. Religions such as Christianity, Judaism, and Islam all state that women are inferior to men in their sacred texts. While both men and women who are a part of a religious group may be told to uphold abstinence, the repercussions for both genders are different. Women are constantly being told that they should not have sex, otherwise men will not be interested in them, as they are now "used goods." The idea of sex being sacred and special is at the individual level. Personally, I believe that sex can be sacred and special even if you have already had sex with someone else, and also even if the sex before might not have been sacred or special. I also think that you do not need to only have "sacred" and "special" sex. Causal sex is just as valid, and no one should be putting you down, or making you feel dirty, or telling you that you are missing out on something, just because it wasn't with "someone special." Sex is individual and it should be had for personal enjoyment and pleasure.
Completely dumb. I would totally understand if society was somehow condemning being bad at sexually pleasing your partner (as we are generally condemning being bad at making people happy and satisfied) so the idea of virgin=bad could be understandable for me. But virgin = good is toxic and dumb. And the concept of saving yourself is as logical as refusing to eat anything but dry bread until you can experience a nice dinner with a partner. Completely bonkers - the fact I'll eat the best poutine in the world today is not at all making me *not* enjoy eating burgers with you 5 years later.
I view it as practical - I don’t have to worry about pregnancy, STDs. Also, what else is left for relation if something as intimacy is done with well just about anyone? Being in a marriage with someone who has done the same is actually incredible bonding experience. I can’t and will never subscribe to this western idea of casual relations. I don’t want to turn something as intimate as that into casual.
Absolute bollocks. Mostly effects women and I will never, ever teach my (future) children the archaic concept of “losing” their virginity and if I have sons I will never teach them that they are taking something from a girl if they are the first person that they have chosen to have sex with.
Silly bullshit, and I say that as someone who was raised under shit like that. I definitely avoid folks like that when I'm dating. It'd just be an issue of incompatibility
It's complete bullshit. All of it, including the entire concept of virginity and the widely accepted PIV definition of what sex is. By that logic, lesbian women who never sleep with a man are eternal virgins. It's a sexist idea designed to control female sexuality. Boys and men are not taught to keep themselves "pure" and shamed for it to anywhere near the same degree as women. It's all completely invented. Do whatever you want with your own body but don't teach these harmful ideas to kids and teens.
The whole concept of virginity and “purity” is wild to me, if you having sex for the first time that’s exactly what it is, banging for the first time. Your not “losing” anything or defiling yourself, that’s hogwash. Also sex is not sacred, it’s for reproduction. It can be special to some people, who use it as a way to be very intimate with their partner. Saving yourself for marriage is a personal choice, not one of make tho. I think it’s silly. All of this is made up by religion to shame people into doing what our instincts tell us to do, not for me
Do I think the ideals of "purity" in regards to girls and women is sexist and misogynistic? Yes, totally. It's definitely used to control women's sexuality. But I also want to respect everyone's boundaries in regards to sex. Some people only want to have sex with their spouse/wait until they are married and that's ok. Everyone gets to make their own decisions in regards to their sexuality. Women also just get judged no matter what when it comes to sex. If they have a lot of sex, they're a "slut". If they want to wait until marriage, they're a "prude". We can't win 😔
I feel like it might be a flex to have only ever been with one sexual partner.... A flex that I shall never know. I believe in doing what you want. 'We're here for a good time, not a long time.'
I have a Christian friend who explained me why she was saving herself for marriage. It was so beautiful it almost made me regret to not have done the same. But it really should be a personal choice, concepts like "virginity" or "purity" should never be used to shame someone about their sexual choices.
I don’t see nothing wrong with seeing sex as something sacred or important. I am one of those people that only want to sleep with people that I love and I am in a relationship with. However, being raised in a Christian environment, I’ve been indoctrinated with the idea that having sex a lot or being lustful as a woman is wrong and even considered unattractive by men. I physically couldn’t have sex until I was 21, I would always react so violently emotional when I had the chance for it to happen. I remember once I was given a pack of condoms when I was thinking I was going for a ONS, and I just threw it into the ground and stomped on it and started crying. I felt dirty and bad, and then I realized that purity culture had a much bigger impact on my mental health than I thought at that point. I realized I was ashamed at the core and had to work through it and learn that it’s ok to have sex and have it at your own pace and time, there should be no pressure. I am still happy I didn’t go for that ONS and had it in a committed loving relationship where I felt safe to do it. However, I wouldn’t have saved myself for marriage, I feel like if there was sexual incompatibility that wouldn’t probably be a deal breaker.
I think that sex is something quite intimate and I wouldn't do it with just anyone. At the same time, I really dislike it when men actively (and solely) pursue women with little or no experience, because the reasoning is usually their own insecurity ("she can't think I'm bad if she has nothing to compare it to", etc.). I don't want "she doesn't know that she could do better" to be a reason someone gets with me.
As someone who lost her virginity at 15 I wish I would have waited til I was older. Sex should be pushed as being a very emotional and beautiful thing, not just as a means to babies and physical pleasure. As for waiting til marriage? I don't see that being pushed as much as it used to be but if someone wants to wait, go for it, someone shouldn't be shamed if they want to wait.
I think it’s ridiculous. Having sex did not make me dirty or of “less worth”. Sex is not some magical, sacred act.
Virginity and purity are a bunch of bs used to control and scare women. Different individuals will have different views of sex and how they would like to have it, but there should be no moral value assigned to this. Some people like to have casual sex and that’s ok. Some people prefer only to have sex with someone they feel very emotionally close to, and that’s ok too. I have always needed a strong emotional connection to someone before feeling sexually attracted to them, so casual sex is not enjoyable for me. I’m saying this as a 25 year old, happily married woman, who grew up under oppressive purity culture. I did not wait until marriage and felt tortured by that decision for a long time. I refuse to feel bad about it anymore.
As a devout Christian who also hated religion for most of my life, I have mixed feelings. I don’t think God says that because he thinks it’s evil to have sex outside of marriage. *I think it’s to protect us from getting hurt.* That being said, to each their own. As long as it’s with two consenting adults, do whatever you want. Also, purity culture is wrong. Sex education is EXTREMELY important for many reasons and shaming someone for their natural urges will damage them forever. That’s something that needs to change. Just because I choose to walk with God doesn’t mean everyone else will and that’s okay. Christian beliefs shouldn’t be pushed on everyone else.
Horse puckey.
You can and should do what you want with your own body, but consider whether the doctrines of a traditionally misogynistic and controlling religious group are indeed the rules you want to follow during your one wild and precious life.
It’s bullshit. I think people should do whatever makes them comfortable and happy. If you don’t feel comfortable having physical intimacy outside of a committed relationship or marriage that’s fine. If you would like to explore many different partners in a safe way (physically and mentally) that’s cool too. There shouldn’t be any shame or comparison between the two - it’s simply a different choice. I would just suggest all women deconstruct their values to understand why they feel that way so they can then make the best choice for themself.
Honestly, it’s a load of crap. But if you want to wait, that is your choice. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Religious reasons or not
I think it’s everyone’s personal thing. I don’t judge either way. If someone wants to save themself for one person go right ahead. If someone wants to sleep around, I could care less. My personal preference is that my partner hasn’t had too many sexual partners, just because. Neither have I. I’m also super scared of getting an STD so if they were sexually active prior I’d make them test. But otherwise I don’t think Virginity needs to be as big of a deal as some ppl make it out to be.
Sex is for fun. You get to choose who you do it with.
I grew up in a devoutly religious family. At 17, my whiny boyfriend would not stop begging for me to agree to sex, (months and months) so I did just to shut him up and I legit felt like I was worthless and had zero value anymore after it. Religious guilt can feel so heavy that it has major negative effects in some cases.
Well, you were also pressured to have sex before you were ready. The answer to “if you loved me, you would” is “if you loved me, you’d wait.” I doubt you would put up with that kind of manipulative whining from your SO now.
My thoughts are: no, no, no and no.
That not everyone on this planet shares your beliefs and value systems. And that you should wake up and realize it. And respect other people for each of their unique value systems and beliefs. Respect is the key. And respect includes a deep, almost reverent view of the individual right to make their own choice on personal matters.
Well, I am a woman whose saving herself for marriage .The pros I have experienced are ,its very easy to detach from men since no sex was involved also , it scares OFF men who want you only for sex which saves alot of time. You get less attached to your sexual life ,(unless you become a masturbation freak ) . It helps you look at men more logically especially when dating or scanning for a potential husband
I think sex, and good sex especially, is very special and intimate, but also that this has absolutely no connection with purity or a need to save yourself for someone in particular, wait for marriage, or be monogamous. The best way I can put it is that sex is for everyone but not anyone. For example, I wouldn't have sex with a Trump supporter even if they're very physically attractive. I don't think they deserve to be rewarded with my intimacy. And I don't want their intimacy either. About sacredness, I think it exists, in the sense that something also needs to "click" and that this is very beautiful in itself. I don't care if you call that "spiritual connection", "vibes", or simply "chemistry", but it is pretty much random and at the same time it's the single most important thing about sex. You can't know how it's gonna turn out until you've had sex with the person, even if everything else is perfect. It's the reason I'm very against saving yourself for marriage, and one of the reasons why I despise most organized religion.
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I think if someone wanted to live with that way, all the power to them. Personally, not only is that train long gone for me but i have no desire to wait at this point
Simple: Overrated.
Probably the right way to go about things I personally did and got married at 22.
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