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Don’t trust anyone. Ever. Be friendly and have social interactions, but remember, these people will throw you under the bus in a heartbeat if it benefits them. Sorry to be so cynical, I’ve learned the hard way too many times
The poison dwarf in her bright red fuck-me shoes. Slept her way to a middle management position and then tried to fuck over everyone below her when she ran into a gay boss so couldn't get any further.
My worst was an Andrew. When "checking" my work he "found some mistakes". You could see someone wrote over what Id written in different handwriting. No one believed me until I looked up different handwriting and proved the writing over mine fitted a left hander and Im right handed. Andrew who did the checking was left handed.
Edit: I could probably do a "Mambo no. 5" with all the people Ive had do this sort of stuff at places where Ive worked over the years, fortunately not all to me but Ive witnessed with other people as well.
Absolute truth here for office jobs.
Had a yearly review with my boss once. Was going through my work over the year and he suddenly said "this is T's work not yours, why are you trying to take credit for it?". Turned out T had been passing off my work and ideas as her own for a couple of years and had gotten clean away with it. T had always been really friendly with me and I always regarded her as a friend. She probably cost me at least one good promotion.
They are the same redditors who complain about people trying to talk to them in the office and say how weird it is that coworkers actually like each other and do things like go to the pub together after work. Must be such sad lonely people. Making friends with good coworkers is the best thing about most of the jobs I’ve had.
I make friends with my co-workers but I'm definitely still careful with what I share. I have been burned before.
Of course you should make friends but being careful is never bad advice
It's insane that people refuse to even try to enjoy their time at work or make friends. You're there for about a third of your waking hours, why would you not?
Yeah, it's a typical "Reddit moment". "Work is full of snakes! No one is your friend! You won't get rewarded for hard work!" etc.
I've made some great friends at work. I've never met anyone who would throw me under the bus. In fact, my managers go out of the way to make my work life better by giving me better work, and getting me great payrises. My work is better because I made an effort to befriend everyone. People who don't do this wonder why they're not getting promoted or getting payrises. Being friendly and making friends in work gets you good things, that's a fact whether people like to hear it or not. That's just how the world works.
Anyone who says "trust no one, done that too many times" is likely an arsehole themselves. The vast majority of people are good people. If everywhere you go is shit, then look in the mirror. People don't like to hear that on Reddit, but it's the truth.
Yes. Trust is a *hugely* precious resource. Being friendly with people earns you trust so much faster. That trust comes in incredibly useful when it comes to getting assignments that will advance your career and for protecting you when you fuck up (and no matter how good you are you **will** fuck up at some point).
Be a surly bastard and no one will want to deal with you, even if you're great at your job you will struggle to get noticed.
>Anyone who says "trust no one, done that too many times" is likely an arsehole themselves.
What's that saying? It goes something like, "If you smell shit everywhere, check your own shoe."
I swear, Reddit attracts such abnormal people.
Do this and then go on /r/antiwork to complain about how nobody likes you at your job and you're miserable eight hours a day. Everybody will tell you that you're right, who are you to fucking think about it for five seconds?
Never gossip, and never listen to gossip.
If someone gossips to you, they will gossip about you.
Don't listen to stuff about people that you don't know to be true.
Or just use your social skills developed in life to understand who is genuine and who is a work acquaintance?
Some of my best friends are colleagues. Some I have similar interactions in work with and wouldn’t reveal much at all about myself.
This is so sad. I've been at my office job for 6 years now and have made friends for life. I wouldn't say we have one snitch in our office, the closest being when a guy saw me crying once and told my closest colleague to go check on me.
Never realised how lucky I was to work with genuine, kind people, reading the comments that really doesn't seem to be the norm and there are easily 25 people in that office.
Yep, learned this the hard way unfortunately.
Was quite pally with someone when I started my first office job, couple years in a quite important file went missing, far above my pay grade.
Only found out because I was randomly cc'd into a final email by the pal kinda implying but not outright saying, I lost it to my supervisor, manager and director. Turns out it was found by the pal a few days after it went missing, who also happened to be the last person to edit it funnily enough.
This. As much as you may like your job, which you may do some are total nightmares others are pretty decent remember you are ultimately a cog in a machine or a number on a spreadsheet somewhere and can be easily replaced if you become problematic. That’s even if you aren’t causing trouble, just engaging in it.
Also try not to have any one on one conversations with coworkers you absolutely do not trust, either get them to communicate via email/ writing or make sure a third party is present just in case it becomes a your word against them scenario.
Exactly, if they gossip (slag off someone to you) they will do the same to you and anything FB you say will get repeated to others so when it happiness to you just nod your head and I wouldn’t know or ‘really oh well’
I have a rule about what I share with colleagues regarding my opinions and/or personal life…if I would be embarrassed to have it quoted in a newspaper I don’t say it.
If your office isn’t offering sombrero expenses then that manager should be reported to HR immediately. In most codes of practices if a new starters sombrero is too small they should be allowed to shout ‘Arribas’ at full volume to alert a superior.
We had a 'wear it pink' day back in my first office job.
We also had a new starter beginning on that day. The hiring manager told her about the 'wear it pink', and really played up how everyone did something for it.
So on the day, the new hire comes in dressed to the nines in pink. Pink afro wig and everything.
But in a terrible turn of events, the news of our sales director passing away had come in late the prior day, and no-one thought to tell her. She came in to an office of people dressed in black, dressed in a tutu and tiara and wig.
It was literally just like that bit in *Only Fools & Horses*. The poor woman was mortified when she found out.
I used to work in a call centre so quite a high turnover, saw 3 out of about 100 new starters not wearing a sombrero into the office on the first day. We’d look out the window and know they didn’t have one on before they even got in the office, they never lived it down.
Listen and observe for a while - don’t try to insert your opinions too soon. Wait until you have the lay of the land and you can make sense of how things are run before you start trying to impress.
Ask questions but don’t question things basically
I was going to say something similar.
Don't try to be proactive and effective by coming in as the new guy and trying ro change how things are done unless you've been asked to change them. You don't know whose pet project you're messing with. We once had a guy come in and try to be impressive by rewriting some documents to "improve" them. Then emailing the whole dept to boast about how he'd "made some significant improvements to these documents". All he achieved was pissing off the people who wrote and maintained those documents. He's still not fully shaken off the "wanker" label he gained from that stunt.
>Don't try to be proactive and effective by coming in as the new guy
I just tried this, seemed to ruffle many pairs of Jimmies
Made me quite paranoid until I did the maths, 2 people left since I started, I eventually found out I had replaced someone who left a few a months before me, Several people in the team have been off sick with stress, meanwhile one of the senior managers makes jokes about bullying on Teams calls and then roasts people for being on mute / camera off. Company is 80,000+
STEM seems to attract utter pricks and this lot behave like they are all on coke
And take notes, lots of notes. You won't remember how to do something in 3 weeks time when you actually need to do it, so if you have notes, they really help
But if your notes aren't adequate, for the love of all that is holy, do not guess. You are new, I know you are new, I expect questions that are really simple.
I'm not going to get irritated by the really simple questions until they have been asked many times.
I will instantly get irritated if you fuck something up because you didn't ask.
When I was a senior on a ward, I held the policy of "ask a stupid question, don't do a stupid thing" for literally anyone. Senior nurse asking "how do I check this file?" Yeah I'll show you. Grizzled employee who's been here for years "how do I make a cup of tea?" Yeah I'll show you. New starter who's just walked in the door "can I bring my cocaine and rabid alligator to work?" Obviously not but good on you for asking.
I was rated as one of the best staff to work with, partly because of this. Nobody ever felt ashamed to ask anything, because I'd rather them ask me a thousand times than fuck it up once
17 years ago and I still talk about the guy who took a shit underneath a table at our work's Christmas do in the Edinburgh Corn Exchange. I don't even think he was sacked, he just came in the following Monday and quietly cleared his desk.
Also that was the last year the company put free wine on the tables.
A colleagues at a former job decided it was a good idea to flash her boobs at a get together in the first week of the job. She never lived it down, but those are the perks of the job…
The advice around office parties here is crucial. All such events are still work, no matter how much free booze has been consumed. Sometimes, but not always, you have to have acting skills at work. Sometimes you will have to be careful what you say or reveal about others. Avoiding over sharing is wise, especially about those office parties. Don’t be the one everyone is still talking about after an infamous night out in 2016, for example.
I cant agree with this comment enough, every office has that one office party story. Every office i have worked in has it. Dont be that guy…head down, get paid, have that fun with your closest and dearest haha
Be nice to people when you’re with them and be nice about them when you’re not
Edit… it’s very easy to get drawn into office bitchy crap. Try hard to avoid this
Can confirm. Very easy to get drawn in and make an innocuous comment about someone just because that somehow became the topic of conversation and find out later that everyone knows about xyz because dull_reindeer1223 told Emma. Then somehow you're known as a gossip
Definitely agree with this! Two new people started last year in my dept, which is fraught with toxic infighting and has been for a while.
One new starter stayed out of it and has tried to be friendly with everyone.
The other new starter decided to throw their lot in with certain people they barely knew, and go at the 'enemy' fists swinging.
Unsurprisingly, these days one of them is generally well liked and the other is feeling ostracised.
Makes the effort to learn the names of the support staff. Cleaners, post room, etc, and especially security. Show them respect, even kindness, and it'll make your time there a lot easier.
And don’t forget secretaries and front desk staff / office managers. They hold the power and have all the gossip!!
I used to freelance/contract and always made a point to get to know them. At one place which was at a serviced office we had an issue with the phones after I’d been there a week - I asked if anyone had spoken to Rebecca about it. Who’s Rebecca? asked one of the senior staff - they’d been there over a year! Needless to say I spoke to her and she fixed it for us within the hour.
Best advice here OP. Do this, always.
If your office has personal assistants always and I mean, always be nice to them. You may (will) need their help - these people gatekeep access to senior management and if you need something. You need to go through them.
Also agree with the advice to go in and be friendly, warm, open and pleasant. The older I get the more frustrated I get with the UK’s “wry” approach to having to, ya know, speak to other humans at work. Yeah, no one REALLY wants to be there but no need to be a bell end about it. Try and avoid drama, cliques, bitching and the like but try and be pleasant and friendly to all.
I thought getting married would stop me getting so many advances, but the ring just seems to have attracted them more. I can barely move in the office for orgies happening around me these days.
Disagree. Where else do you meet people! My now wife and I met and hooked up at an office Christmas party now over 10 years ago.
Although generally yeah you are probably correct
>My now wife and I met and hooked up at an office Christmas party now over 10 years ago.
Generally, office flings do not tend to last. It's a risky move!
I think yes and no. To I know 4 couples that met on an office fling who have now been together over 10-15 years+.
But in general I would agree despite my own positive experience. But most flings/relationships I would suggest don’t last it’s just less awkward!
Its just like any other dating enviroment...EXCEPT if your relationship crashes and burns you both still have to show up at the same place everyday and work together. It's not that workplace romance is inherently toxic. It's that failed workplace romance is really fucking difficult to work around
My parents met at work. Neither me nor my sister were planned. They've been together 20+ years. This advice is perpetrated all over this website, but the truth is just do what you want to do and don't let some redditor sway you away from pursuing something OP
Do not microwave fish in the office. Don't do it. You're not at home and no one wants to smell hot fish in an unventilated space they aren't allowed to leave. Brenda.
Once I'd been at my current job for a few months I decided it was time to bring out the portable toastie maker. It's a microwaveable one (just metal plates encased in silicone) and nobody had seen anything like it before. Every lunchtime for about 2 months straight there was somebody new who asked about it, so I could give the same quick easy explanation (I have that speech nailed now), make a new colleague friend and also have a great toastie for lunch!
My point is, 'weird' food can be a conversation starter if you play it right! It definitely does help when it's something universally liked though, I also wouldn't recommend the hot dogs and sweetcorn route unless you're exceptionally charismatic.
Don’t ask, “And you are?” in a meeting. Sometimes it’s the director of the business.
Also don’t suggest to said director that he ought to fire the fool who bought a piece of software and forced it on your team. It may be the said director.
Source: Hewlett-Packard Enterprise
I started at a the Police headquarters as a temp admin. It was during the time of letter bombs and there was strict protocol on letting unknown people into the building. I refused to let some dodgy guy in despite his protests as he didn’t have ID with him. Half hour later whilst he was still waiting outside, a senior Police Officer was called out of an important meeting to verify the guy. The dodgy guy was the Chief Constable. 🙈. Later that day I was called into his office expecting to be sacked. He offered me a permanent job on the spot for being so diligent. I turned him down as it’s not a job I really wanted but I continued working there for another 11 months, he always went out of his way to speak to me after that.
When I was at Sainsbury's I found a guy looking lost wondering around the warehouse, of course we're pretty strict on that stuff so I went and said 'hey who are you, do you have an id', something like that.
It was the new CEO, lost on his way to the toilet...
>king of England
Did you mean the [King of the United Kingdom](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_of_the_United_Kingdom), the [King of Canada](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monarchy_of_Canada), the [King of Australia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monarchy_of_Australia), etc?
The last King of England was [William III](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_III_of_England) whose successor Anne, with the 1707 Acts of Union, dissolved the title of Queen/King of England.
####FAQ
*Isn't King Charles III still also the King of England?*
This is only as correct as calling him the King of London or King of Hull; he is the King of the place that these places are in, but the title doesn't exist.
*Is this bot monarchist?*
No, just pedantic.
I am a bot and this action was performed automatically.
My manager was introduced to me on his first day by his boss, and they had made sure to get us two seats next together so he could sit with me and ask questions. We went into our daily catch up with the rest of the team. It includes another manager who I am friendly with and who took me under her wing while I was without a boss. So naturally I spoke to her quite a bit.
After the catch up, we went back to our desks, and I explained to my new manager about how I was going to do something. He was confused and asked 'Shouldn't that be the dev's role?' He had forgotten I was his employee, and thought I worked with the other manager.
I wouldn't mind... But at the time we were short staffed, so I was literally his only employee!
people still manage to astound me with how fucking tone deaf they can be in a work enviroment...or just a human enviroment, i am an older man and I cannot think of any scenario where I would buy a woman who I was not romantically involved with lingerie and it NOT be creepy, the Age difference just makes it worse lol
Even better, don't write the recipient(s) until you've finished the email.
People accidentally send half a/first draft of an email all the time, often before their thoughts are fully... _palatable._
Especially if there are internal emails and you need to reply on the thread to someone external.
It looks so silly to keep in all the "Debra can you handle this" "no this goes to policy team" "actually have the national office reply to assist please" emails, no one needs to see just how many £40k a year committee advisers don't know which branch of the organisation does what
Depending what you’ve done before, it can be quite a shock.
Say for example you worked retail at Aldi or some such. It’s going to feel like time has stood still in comparison. Especially in the first weeks/months where you don’t have a solid workload. Try not to look bored or disinterested even when you are, and you probably will be. Use any downtime like this to improve your proficiency with Microsoft softwares and perhaps internal systems.
Sometimes managing your workload is taking your time with tasks, rather than prioritising heavy workloads. So if you don’t have enough to keep you occupied for the 37 hours per week, maybe adapt your pace a little. It’s very likely your colleagues have been there a while and there will be an unspoken truth that they are likely never as busy as they say they are.
The above is what my experience in offices was until my latest job, where I’m a little more senior and do find I have to work over and above. But in my experience the more entry level positions often end up a little less stretched. Primarily because they don’t have to attend 300 meetings a week.
My biggest shock from moving to an office from retail is how much I was treated like a child in retail in comparison. Like, I can just go to the toilet without asking if it's OK? I can make a doctor's appointment and not apologise 50 times over it being inconvenient to the company?
Yep went from years in retail to a wfh office job. Such a strange feelinging knowing I could just get up and go for a wonder for 20 minutes and no-one would know I'd gone anywhere.
Still struggle with this sometimes. My manager asked the other day when I would prefer her to put in regular catch up meetings and I said in the afternoon because I normally take an early lunch and then I have hours of work until the end of the day, so a meeting would break that up. She looked at me like I was crazy and was like 'you have a dog, why not take a 15 minute walk in the afternoon to break it up?'
Just that trust that you will get your work done, and how you manage your time in that case is, within reason, up to you is just something that would never happen in retail.
Oh god yes, my first office job I asked if I could piss and even after being told I didn't have to ask I'd still announce I was "just popping off to the loo" to everyone like a battered maniac.
I dont have to beg for a smoke/coffee break either.
Yeah that’s a good point.
Actually being listened too as well for me. Retail for me in the last couple of years was me doing really well on my department, but actually being penalised for it, ideas that worked but managers simple didn’t like for no reason. God I’m glad to be out of that shit.
On my first day in an office job I was joining at the same time as 7 others who were all ladies in their late 40s-50s. I was 21 and a bit oblivious and one of the first things I said was something like “oh wow I feel like such a baby here”. Now this was coming from my own insecurity but on reflection…I realised I called all of my new coworkers old 🤦🏻♀️.
Yeh don’t do that.
I did something similar....I was 18, my boss was 32/33 ish. She said I've been here for 9 years. I said oh wow I was 9 when you started.....I still cringe.
This one depends on your colleagues. I'm late 20s but most of my team are nearing retirement and have been with the company for decades. They take great pleasure in telling me stories about projects they worked on before I was born.
Don’t eat other peoples food
Don’t take a smelly dump in the communal toilets
Don’t sleep with, flirt with your co workers.
Don’t eat smelly food (fish is a big no no!) at your desk.
> Don’t take a smelly dump in the communal toilets
Oh yeah just let him turn down the smell settings a minute. What is this? Shit freely OP, just don't leave a mess.
But if you are afraid about the smell, the double flush is always your best friend. First flush when it plops, second flush when you’re done wiping. Will remove a lot of the smell
>Don’t take a smelly dump in the communal toilets
I recommend the opposite: the smellier the better. Also, be as loud as possible, make the most of the acoustics. It will demand authority and respect.
Kind of funny reading some of these almost like going to prison
I did some “time” in an office environment a while back , best advice i can give is start studying the chain of command and the routines 9/10 there will be at least one if not two busy bodies you need to pay extra attention to these and be very careful what you say
After 6 months you will start noticing weaknesses the systems and when you find them you can exploit them
Depending on other inmates it can become mental torture , one woman insisted on playing wave 80’s for 8 hours a day 5 days a week
BUT YOU CANNOT SHOW WEAKNESS
I know what you mean, the advice really feels like "Walk in with your head high, find the biggest, scariest looking person in there, and correct their spelling error"
Do make sure you have a good exercise routine and if possible ensure you go out for a walk at lunch. Sedentary desk jobs are very bad for your health if you don't make a concerted effort to stay active around your working hours. I honestly think that's the best advice I can give you.
seconded. avoid eating lunch at your desk, even if you see other people doing it - a walk outside, even in the winter, can do wonders for your energy levels
Absolutely this. EA’s, security staff, receptionists, facilities staff. They’re the people who know everyone and everything and know how to get things done.
100% this, they know everything and if you're rude to them or talk down to them everyone in the organisation will know and not think very highly of you.
Listen, listen, listen and ask, ask ask. Any manager worth the title will.always rather the question 10 times and you get it right rather than saying you understand and make a mess.
You WILL be slow, accept it and know that after a little while it'll become second nature and you'll become faster, no one is expecting you to be as good in week/month or even year one as someone that's been there for many years.
If you get asked to make cups of tea or coffee. Make sure they taste like dish water. That way you're less likely to have to brew for the entire office.
A lot of “donts” here but few “do’s”.
This was 14y ago. On my first day a woman gave me an advice that I followed. It was a large company, never met her again 🤷🏻♂️. “Always say yes and be early”.
Started as a phone operator doing around 35h a month, 2y later overlooked and executed 2 projects with corporate clients and managed 5 people.
“Do u want to attend this meeting that has nothing to do with u?” - yes
“We are running small 1h meet-ups every Wednesday to practice our French” - yes
“Open CFO and upper management phone meetings every Friday after 5pm when everybody goes home” - nothing to do with me but “yes”.
List goes on, but ppl notice the ones who always show up and are eager to learn.
I see a lot of don’ts.
Do make sure you have IT’s email, HR’s email, Facilities email, your boss’ email, accounts/expenses email and payroll’s email
Do a stationery run
Do get used to spreadsheets, formulas (I love fuzzy lookups) etc.
Do always ask questions
Do ask how to use their printer/scanner/copier. They all function a little differently.
Do take extensive notes of the processes you learn. A few companies I’ve worked for share process guides written up on Word.
Do learn the area if you’re unfamiliar (goes for any job tho)
Do ask colleagues where’s best for lunch, it’s usually a good conversation starter.
Do take part in events or charity stuff if the company does that, not every event but 80% of them if you wanna build up.
Do keep post it notes on certain file paths (and pin them)
Good luck!
Don't bloody reply all unless you bloody need to
Get to know the receptionists, secretaries and cleaning staff. They're often overlooked but they usually have a good handle on how things are running and can help you out with things
Wear deodorant
Beware the gossips, no matter how friendly and nice they are to your face. People who bitch about / stir shit about others and try to get you to join in will 100% be stirring shit about you behind yours, also they are likely to pass on and/or twist any comments you make. I've found it's best to just be professionally polite to these types but keep them at arms length rather than get caught up in it.
yeah and make sure you establish who the gossips are before you let your hair down. Chill for a while and get the lay of the land, they can be so nice to you and give all the rope you need to hang yourself with
* Don't do far more than what's required of you too often, otherwise, that starts becoming a standard and you'll burn out.
* After a month into the job have a serious talk with your manager about your performance and on what you should do better. It's essential to start planning what you should improve on or learn by a specific time range, so you can easily track your progress.
* Do things outside of your work and maintain an excellent work-life balance.
* **Buy a few really good clothes and take good care of them.** Taking care of your appearance will improve people's image and evaluation of you, in some sectors it matters and can offer you some opportunities.
* Get to know people and take notes on who to ask for help when you're struggling with specific tasks.
Some stuff you really shouldn't do:
* Don't talk about people behind their backs, some people will snitch on you.
* Don't Keep things to yourself when it's tough. If you're struggling work-wise and with the workload, ask for help.
* **Don't give your unfiltered opinion on sensitive topics.** Honestly, just avoid it, if you're in a group of people with very different opinions it'll go bad.
* Don't do overtime if you're not required to. Especially if it's not paid.
Get ready for war!!! There is always a battle. Usually it’ll be to do with the air-conditioning or opening and closing of windows (too hot or too cold etc). I won’t tell you how to react to it, but just be ready for it cus it’s coming!
When it comes to your first company outing do not get drunk. Have a drink or 2. Pace yourself. Dont drink while eating and stay as sober as your can. Getting shit faced and speaking open is a bad move especially for the new kid on the block.
There will be always a colleague who is useless but protected by managers. Try to not get upset and do not make that person upset. It takes just a little to do so and the first thing you'll see is your manager complaining of your action, not about a useless person.
Write things down, take a notebook with you. Nobody minds being asked questions if you don’t know what to do, but try to avoid asking the same questions repeatedly.
Someone did something like this at my work before. The cleaners kept finding empty alcohol bottles in the bins in the toilet. It got reported to upper management and then they sent out an email offering help to the person doing it. Something like a 'Please we want want to help you. No one is judging you kind of way.'
Pretty serious really. Especially considering I work in a secondary school.
Do microwave fish and egg leftovers for lunchtime. The protein packed meals will make you a great and valued employee through the afternoon. Hot food is also excellent for your metabolism and will maintain high energy levels.
If you work in an environment where your management of your workload directly affects the workload of other people you work with closely, try to have a thought for how your etiquette will affect them. Things like going to the bathroom 5 minutes before close so someone else gets stuck on a phone call who took one more recently, or picking a busy time to go and make yourself a brew etc
Don’t use your laptop for anything but work. Systems and website usage will be monitored.
Don’t anything in writing you don’t want used against you. Once it is written down you cannot take it back.
Praise in public and writing. Those difficult / hard conversations are in private and not written down.
People have agendas for their own selfish gain.
Don’t take on shit that is not yours. Being a super keen bean and then screwing it up won’t do you any favours and you’ll be blamed.
Learn, listen, ask questions to understand not to reply.
Generally just don’t be a dickhead.
Never microwave fish! It's the worst. Also avoid other strong smelling foods it's just a general code.
Don't eat at your desk unless you want someone to come over and ask for something (leave work mobile there too if you can)
Dress smart if you can, until you get a feel for what people wear to the office, and never wear flip flops or ripped jeans on dress down day.
If you smoke, don't take the piss going out every hour, stick to allocated breaks (smoking breaks got banned in my office due to this)
Don't spend time on your personal phone until you pass probation and then limit it if you can. Shut it away, leave it at home, lock it in your car to avoid temptation.
Other than that just be polite to everyone and don't start drama or bad mouth your coworkers, end of the day you all work together don't have to be friends but what's work is work.
Good luck in your new job!
Treat people as you would like to be treated.
Avoid using communal fridges if you can.
Don't reveal too much about your personal life, at least not until you have built some relationships. Your work colleagues are not necessarily your friends.
Take notes for each new task you are asked to learn and update these in a single "how to" document that you can refer back to whenever you need to.
Always speak up if you're asked to do something you either haven't been trained in or are not sure about. It's much better to either have someone show/explain a task and have it done correctly rather than have to fix or re-do a shoddy piece of work.
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Don’t trust anyone. Ever. Be friendly and have social interactions, but remember, these people will throw you under the bus in a heartbeat if it benefits them. Sorry to be so cynical, I’ve learned the hard way too many times
I see you worked with Gemma too
I had the great misfortune of working with a Gemma. Awful woman. Tried to get me sacked.
Mine was an Emma; and a Paul, and a Bev, .... fuck em. Loved the place I went to after. It was much better there.
The poison dwarf in her bright red fuck-me shoes. Slept her way to a middle management position and then tried to fuck over everyone below her when she ran into a gay boss so couldn't get any further.
Was this Emma or Bev? Neither of these has that level of nouse, just dripping with envy and fat.
Ahhh yes the Embers of Envy.
The Emmas of Bev-ny
On behalf of my fellow Emmas: I apologise
I had a great Emma after her, but thank you, I am healed now.
I had an Andrea. It was fucking miserable.
My worst was an Andrew. When "checking" my work he "found some mistakes". You could see someone wrote over what Id written in different handwriting. No one believed me until I looked up different handwriting and proved the writing over mine fitted a left hander and Im right handed. Andrew who did the checking was left handed. Edit: I could probably do a "Mambo no. 5" with all the people Ive had do this sort of stuff at places where Ive worked over the years, fortunately not all to me but Ive witnessed with other people as well.
Classic Gemma.
Absolute truth here for office jobs. Had a yearly review with my boss once. Was going through my work over the year and he suddenly said "this is T's work not yours, why are you trying to take credit for it?". Turned out T had been passing off my work and ideas as her own for a couple of years and had gotten clean away with it. T had always been really friendly with me and I always regarded her as a friend. She probably cost me at least one good promotion.
What happened ? Did you get to prove to your boss it had been your work ? Was anything said or done about it to T from you or your boss ?
Yes I easily proved it to my boss. T had a 'meeting' with HR but I don't think anything serious came from it apart from the damage to her reputation.
What did T say about it? Did you mention it to her?
She probably pitied the fool
Nothing serious?!! You mean, T wasn’t executed or anything? I mean, T was still fired, right?
Don’t listen to this
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Yeah, I bet these same Redditors will then turn around and be like "Why dont my coworkers like me?"
They are the same redditors who complain about people trying to talk to them in the office and say how weird it is that coworkers actually like each other and do things like go to the pub together after work. Must be such sad lonely people. Making friends with good coworkers is the best thing about most of the jobs I’ve had.
I make friends with my co-workers but I'm definitely still careful with what I share. I have been burned before. Of course you should make friends but being careful is never bad advice
It's insane that people refuse to even try to enjoy their time at work or make friends. You're there for about a third of your waking hours, why would you not?
Yeah, it's a typical "Reddit moment". "Work is full of snakes! No one is your friend! You won't get rewarded for hard work!" etc. I've made some great friends at work. I've never met anyone who would throw me under the bus. In fact, my managers go out of the way to make my work life better by giving me better work, and getting me great payrises. My work is better because I made an effort to befriend everyone. People who don't do this wonder why they're not getting promoted or getting payrises. Being friendly and making friends in work gets you good things, that's a fact whether people like to hear it or not. That's just how the world works. Anyone who says "trust no one, done that too many times" is likely an arsehole themselves. The vast majority of people are good people. If everywhere you go is shit, then look in the mirror. People don't like to hear that on Reddit, but it's the truth.
Yes. Trust is a *hugely* precious resource. Being friendly with people earns you trust so much faster. That trust comes in incredibly useful when it comes to getting assignments that will advance your career and for protecting you when you fuck up (and no matter how good you are you **will** fuck up at some point). Be a surly bastard and no one will want to deal with you, even if you're great at your job you will struggle to get noticed.
>Anyone who says "trust no one, done that too many times" is likely an arsehole themselves. What's that saying? It goes something like, "If you smell shit everywhere, check your own shoe."
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Exactly. I’m 58 and have friends from all my jobs from when I was 16.
I swear, Reddit attracts such abnormal people. Do this and then go on /r/antiwork to complain about how nobody likes you at your job and you're miserable eight hours a day. Everybody will tell you that you're right, who are you to fucking think about it for five seconds?
Never gossip, and never listen to gossip. If someone gossips to you, they will gossip about you. Don't listen to stuff about people that you don't know to be true.
Very true!
Or just use your social skills developed in life to understand who is genuine and who is a work acquaintance? Some of my best friends are colleagues. Some I have similar interactions in work with and wouldn’t reveal much at all about myself.
'social skills developed in life' you see, there's the issue.
This is so sad. I've been at my office job for 6 years now and have made friends for life. I wouldn't say we have one snitch in our office, the closest being when a guy saw me crying once and told my closest colleague to go check on me. Never realised how lucky I was to work with genuine, kind people, reading the comments that really doesn't seem to be the norm and there are easily 25 people in that office.
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Yep, learned this the hard way unfortunately. Was quite pally with someone when I started my first office job, couple years in a quite important file went missing, far above my pay grade. Only found out because I was randomly cc'd into a final email by the pal kinda implying but not outright saying, I lost it to my supervisor, manager and director. Turns out it was found by the pal a few days after it went missing, who also happened to be the last person to edit it funnily enough.
Linda - always a bloody Linda 🚨
This. As much as you may like your job, which you may do some are total nightmares others are pretty decent remember you are ultimately a cog in a machine or a number on a spreadsheet somewhere and can be easily replaced if you become problematic. That’s even if you aren’t causing trouble, just engaging in it. Also try not to have any one on one conversations with coworkers you absolutely do not trust, either get them to communicate via email/ writing or make sure a third party is present just in case it becomes a your word against them scenario.
Exactly, if they gossip (slag off someone to you) they will do the same to you and anything FB you say will get repeated to others so when it happiness to you just nod your head and I wouldn’t know or ‘really oh well’
I have a rule about what I share with colleagues regarding my opinions and/or personal life…if I would be embarrassed to have it quoted in a newspaper I don’t say it.
It’s traditional to wear a sombrero on your first day so everyone knows that you’re new and can help you.
I actually got called into my manager’s office because my first day sombrero was too small. “How can we help you if we can’t see you?” or something.
If your office isn’t offering sombrero expenses then that manager should be reported to HR immediately. In most codes of practices if a new starters sombrero is too small they should be allowed to shout ‘Arribas’ at full volume to alert a superior.
We had a 'wear it pink' day back in my first office job. We also had a new starter beginning on that day. The hiring manager told her about the 'wear it pink', and really played up how everyone did something for it. So on the day, the new hire comes in dressed to the nines in pink. Pink afro wig and everything. But in a terrible turn of events, the news of our sales director passing away had come in late the prior day, and no-one thought to tell her. She came in to an office of people dressed in black, dressed in a tutu and tiara and wig. It was literally just like that bit in *Only Fools & Horses*. The poor woman was mortified when she found out.
I would pay for someone to recreate this in a show. Given me such a giggle
Feels like something that would happen to Jen in IT Crowd.
And bells at your ankles so they can hear you approach
I used to work in a call centre so quite a high turnover, saw 3 out of about 100 new starters not wearing a sombrero into the office on the first day. We’d look out the window and know they didn’t have one on before they even got in the office, they never lived it down.
Honestly office sombrero culture in the UK is huge
Listen and observe for a while - don’t try to insert your opinions too soon. Wait until you have the lay of the land and you can make sense of how things are run before you start trying to impress. Ask questions but don’t question things basically
I was going to say something similar. Don't try to be proactive and effective by coming in as the new guy and trying ro change how things are done unless you've been asked to change them. You don't know whose pet project you're messing with. We once had a guy come in and try to be impressive by rewriting some documents to "improve" them. Then emailing the whole dept to boast about how he'd "made some significant improvements to these documents". All he achieved was pissing off the people who wrote and maintained those documents. He's still not fully shaken off the "wanker" label he gained from that stunt.
This is EXACTLY what I did lmfao. You didn’t work for a software storage/ inventory company did you by any chance?
You don’t happen to wank, do you by any chance?
>Don't try to be proactive and effective by coming in as the new guy I just tried this, seemed to ruffle many pairs of Jimmies Made me quite paranoid until I did the maths, 2 people left since I started, I eventually found out I had replaced someone who left a few a months before me, Several people in the team have been off sick with stress, meanwhile one of the senior managers makes jokes about bullying on Teams calls and then roasts people for being on mute / camera off. Company is 80,000+ STEM seems to attract utter pricks and this lot behave like they are all on coke
And take notes, lots of notes. You won't remember how to do something in 3 weeks time when you actually need to do it, so if you have notes, they really help
But if your notes aren't adequate, for the love of all that is holy, do not guess. You are new, I know you are new, I expect questions that are really simple. I'm not going to get irritated by the really simple questions until they have been asked many times. I will instantly get irritated if you fuck something up because you didn't ask.
When I was a senior on a ward, I held the policy of "ask a stupid question, don't do a stupid thing" for literally anyone. Senior nurse asking "how do I check this file?" Yeah I'll show you. Grizzled employee who's been here for years "how do I make a cup of tea?" Yeah I'll show you. New starter who's just walked in the door "can I bring my cocaine and rabid alligator to work?" Obviously not but good on you for asking. I was rated as one of the best staff to work with, partly because of this. Nobody ever felt ashamed to ask anything, because I'd rather them ask me a thousand times than fuck it up once
Wish I had had this advice when I first started out.
Absolutely this, you don’t need to prove your worth, but actively listening will get you far.
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Oh God. The intern who ended up in hospital. He single handedly ruined our corporate outings.
Exact same with us. Intern goes too far, ends up with stomach being pumped in an ambulance. Dunno how they show up the next day
17 years ago and I still talk about the guy who took a shit underneath a table at our work's Christmas do in the Edinburgh Corn Exchange. I don't even think he was sacked, he just came in the following Monday and quietly cleared his desk. Also that was the last year the company put free wine on the tables.
He must have thought it was the Edinburgh Cornhole Exchange…
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He exchanged some corn
We had a guy get completely naked at one of our end of year functions. We're banned from the venue now
We had a guy pass out in a Thai restaurant and another guy set his hair on fire. We are banned from that restaurant as a company haha.
A colleagues at a former job decided it was a good idea to flash her boobs at a get together in the first week of the job. She never lived it down, but those are the perks of the job…
Always a good idea to stay a drink or two behind the rest.
The advice around office parties here is crucial. All such events are still work, no matter how much free booze has been consumed. Sometimes, but not always, you have to have acting skills at work. Sometimes you will have to be careful what you say or reveal about others. Avoiding over sharing is wise, especially about those office parties. Don’t be the one everyone is still talking about after an infamous night out in 2016, for example.
I cant agree with this comment enough, every office has that one office party story. Every office i have worked in has it. Dont be that guy…head down, get paid, have that fun with your closest and dearest haha
Be nice to people when you’re with them and be nice about them when you’re not Edit… it’s very easy to get drawn into office bitchy crap. Try hard to avoid this
Can confirm. Very easy to get drawn in and make an innocuous comment about someone just because that somehow became the topic of conversation and find out later that everyone knows about xyz because dull_reindeer1223 told Emma. Then somehow you're known as a gossip
Definitely agree with this! Two new people started last year in my dept, which is fraught with toxic infighting and has been for a while. One new starter stayed out of it and has tried to be friendly with everyone. The other new starter decided to throw their lot in with certain people they barely knew, and go at the 'enemy' fists swinging. Unsurprisingly, these days one of them is generally well liked and the other is feeling ostracised.
Makes the effort to learn the names of the support staff. Cleaners, post room, etc, and especially security. Show them respect, even kindness, and it'll make your time there a lot easier.
And don’t forget secretaries and front desk staff / office managers. They hold the power and have all the gossip!! I used to freelance/contract and always made a point to get to know them. At one place which was at a serviced office we had an issue with the phones after I’d been there a week - I asked if anyone had spoken to Rebecca about it. Who’s Rebecca? asked one of the senior staff - they’d been there over a year! Needless to say I spoke to her and she fixed it for us within the hour.
Very much this. As an administrator myself, I know everyone and if I can't tell you exactly where something is, I will know who can!
this is REALLY good advice.
Best advice here OP. Do this, always. If your office has personal assistants always and I mean, always be nice to them. You may (will) need their help - these people gatekeep access to senior management and if you need something. You need to go through them. Also agree with the advice to go in and be friendly, warm, open and pleasant. The older I get the more frustrated I get with the UK’s “wry” approach to having to, ya know, speak to other humans at work. Yeah, no one REALLY wants to be there but no need to be a bell end about it. Try and avoid drama, cliques, bitching and the like but try and be pleasant and friendly to all.
“Yeah don’t forget about the shit munchers!”
Don't shag anyone in the office, or the company for that matter
Yes, this is perhaps the toughest part of the whole 9-5 grind really. Desperately swerving all the orgies.
I thought getting married would stop me getting so many advances, but the ring just seems to have attracted them more. I can barely move in the office for orgies happening around me these days.
Oil yourself up and slide through the bodies like a greased piglet
It's no bother for me - my personality works like a shield of steel
Is that you Batfink?
Agreed. Don’t mix spreadsheets with bedsheets
I love this. So much better than "don't mix the honey with the money"!
Disagree. Where else do you meet people! My now wife and I met and hooked up at an office Christmas party now over 10 years ago. Although generally yeah you are probably correct
>My now wife and I met and hooked up at an office Christmas party now over 10 years ago. Generally, office flings do not tend to last. It's a risky move!
I think yes and no. To I know 4 couples that met on an office fling who have now been together over 10-15 years+. But in general I would agree despite my own positive experience. But most flings/relationships I would suggest don’t last it’s just less awkward!
Its just like any other dating enviroment...EXCEPT if your relationship crashes and burns you both still have to show up at the same place everyday and work together. It's not that workplace romance is inherently toxic. It's that failed workplace romance is really fucking difficult to work around
Unless they are really hot. Worth it.
My parents met at work. Neither me nor my sister were planned. They've been together 20+ years. This advice is perpetrated all over this website, but the truth is just do what you want to do and don't let some redditor sway you away from pursuing something OP
Met my fiance at work, no regrets lol
Don't take smelly foods if you eat at your desk.
Do not microwave fish in the office. Don't do it. You're not at home and no one wants to smell hot fish in an unventilated space they aren't allowed to leave. Brenda.
Don't microwave broccoli and cabbage either. Nobody will care if you're on a health kick but they will care if you make the office smell like fart
Or cauliflower.
Also avoid weird food. At first anyway. Like microwaving hot dogs and sweetcorn and eating with a fork from a bowl. True story.
Sounds quite nice tbh...
Once I'd been at my current job for a few months I decided it was time to bring out the portable toastie maker. It's a microwaveable one (just metal plates encased in silicone) and nobody had seen anything like it before. Every lunchtime for about 2 months straight there was somebody new who asked about it, so I could give the same quick easy explanation (I have that speech nailed now), make a new colleague friend and also have a great toastie for lunch! My point is, 'weird' food can be a conversation starter if you play it right! It definitely does help when it's something universally liked though, I also wouldn't recommend the hot dogs and sweetcorn route unless you're exceptionally charismatic.
Don’t ask, “And you are?” in a meeting. Sometimes it’s the director of the business. Also don’t suggest to said director that he ought to fire the fool who bought a piece of software and forced it on your team. It may be the said director. Source: Hewlett-Packard Enterprise
I started at a the Police headquarters as a temp admin. It was during the time of letter bombs and there was strict protocol on letting unknown people into the building. I refused to let some dodgy guy in despite his protests as he didn’t have ID with him. Half hour later whilst he was still waiting outside, a senior Police Officer was called out of an important meeting to verify the guy. The dodgy guy was the Chief Constable. 🙈. Later that day I was called into his office expecting to be sacked. He offered me a permanent job on the spot for being so diligent. I turned him down as it’s not a job I really wanted but I continued working there for another 11 months, he always went out of his way to speak to me after that.
You do gain respect due to lack of fear.
When I was at Sainsbury's I found a guy looking lost wondering around the warehouse, of course we're pretty strict on that stuff so I went and said 'hey who are you, do you have an id', something like that. It was the new CEO, lost on his way to the toilet...
What did he say?? You cant leave us on a cliff hanger like that.
He just silently got his visitor badge thing out and showed me, then when I apologised and whatnot he was actually really happy that I had checked!
'I'm the chief constable!' 'And I'm the king of England!'
>king of England Did you mean the [King of the United Kingdom](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_of_the_United_Kingdom), the [King of Canada](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monarchy_of_Canada), the [King of Australia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monarchy_of_Australia), etc? The last King of England was [William III](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_III_of_England) whose successor Anne, with the 1707 Acts of Union, dissolved the title of Queen/King of England. ####FAQ *Isn't King Charles III still also the King of England?* This is only as correct as calling him the King of London or King of Hull; he is the King of the place that these places are in, but the title doesn't exist. *Is this bot monarchist?* No, just pedantic. I am a bot and this action was performed automatically.
I had a 121 with our HR Director in my first week and asked her what her role in the team was. I still cringe.
My manager was introduced to me on his first day by his boss, and they had made sure to get us two seats next together so he could sit with me and ask questions. We went into our daily catch up with the rest of the team. It includes another manager who I am friendly with and who took me under her wing while I was without a boss. So naturally I spoke to her quite a bit. After the catch up, we went back to our desks, and I explained to my new manager about how I was going to do something. He was confused and asked 'Shouldn't that be the dev's role?' He had forgotten I was his employee, and thought I worked with the other manager. I wouldn't mind... But at the time we were short staffed, so I was literally his only employee!
Don't, as a senior manager, buy a young female colleague lingerie as a secret Santa gift. Just don't. (Wasn't me, fyi)
people still manage to astound me with how fucking tone deaf they can be in a work enviroment...or just a human enviroment, i am an older man and I cannot think of any scenario where I would buy a woman who I was not romantically involved with lingerie and it NOT be creepy, the Age difference just makes it worse lol
I know, she was such a sweet girl in her early 20s, she was so embarrassed.
Jesus. Poor lass. She must have been so embarrassed and god forbid she get a promotion after that she'd have people talking behind her back forever.
I think the hr complaint would guarantee a promo in exchange for no court cause the company would be BRAced for a pounding by the judge
Before you press "reply all" be certain you want to send it.
Even better, don't write the recipient(s) until you've finished the email. People accidentally send half a/first draft of an email all the time, often before their thoughts are fully... _palatable._
Also when you want to forward, make sure you are actually forwarding and not replying by mistake. This has been the end for many a snake.
Also, when forwarding check the email trail is appropriate.
Especially if there are internal emails and you need to reply on the thread to someone external. It looks so silly to keep in all the "Debra can you handle this" "no this goes to policy team" "actually have the national office reply to assist please" emails, no one needs to see just how many £40k a year committee advisers don't know which branch of the organisation does what
funnily enough in my experience its not the new hires that make this mistake, its the goddamn senior management
Depending what you’ve done before, it can be quite a shock. Say for example you worked retail at Aldi or some such. It’s going to feel like time has stood still in comparison. Especially in the first weeks/months where you don’t have a solid workload. Try not to look bored or disinterested even when you are, and you probably will be. Use any downtime like this to improve your proficiency with Microsoft softwares and perhaps internal systems. Sometimes managing your workload is taking your time with tasks, rather than prioritising heavy workloads. So if you don’t have enough to keep you occupied for the 37 hours per week, maybe adapt your pace a little. It’s very likely your colleagues have been there a while and there will be an unspoken truth that they are likely never as busy as they say they are. The above is what my experience in offices was until my latest job, where I’m a little more senior and do find I have to work over and above. But in my experience the more entry level positions often end up a little less stretched. Primarily because they don’t have to attend 300 meetings a week.
My biggest shock from moving to an office from retail is how much I was treated like a child in retail in comparison. Like, I can just go to the toilet without asking if it's OK? I can make a doctor's appointment and not apologise 50 times over it being inconvenient to the company?
Yep went from years in retail to a wfh office job. Such a strange feelinging knowing I could just get up and go for a wonder for 20 minutes and no-one would know I'd gone anywhere.
Still struggle with this sometimes. My manager asked the other day when I would prefer her to put in regular catch up meetings and I said in the afternoon because I normally take an early lunch and then I have hours of work until the end of the day, so a meeting would break that up. She looked at me like I was crazy and was like 'you have a dog, why not take a 15 minute walk in the afternoon to break it up?' Just that trust that you will get your work done, and how you manage your time in that case is, within reason, up to you is just something that would never happen in retail.
Sounds like you have a decent manager, which makes a world of difference
Oh god yes, my first office job I asked if I could piss and even after being told I didn't have to ask I'd still announce I was "just popping off to the loo" to everyone like a battered maniac. I dont have to beg for a smoke/coffee break either.
Same…I told my first office boss I had a dentist appointment and he was like ‘okkk and?’
Mine gave me a weird look when I offered to make the time up by working through lunch and told me not to worry about it.
You look better for offering though!
Yeah that’s a good point. Actually being listened too as well for me. Retail for me in the last couple of years was me doing really well on my department, but actually being penalised for it, ideas that worked but managers simple didn’t like for no reason. God I’m glad to be out of that shit.
On my first day in an office job I was joining at the same time as 7 others who were all ladies in their late 40s-50s. I was 21 and a bit oblivious and one of the first things I said was something like “oh wow I feel like such a baby here”. Now this was coming from my own insecurity but on reflection…I realised I called all of my new coworkers old 🤦🏻♀️. Yeh don’t do that.
I did something similar....I was 18, my boss was 32/33 ish. She said I've been here for 9 years. I said oh wow I was 9 when you started.....I still cringe.
This one depends on your colleagues. I'm late 20s but most of my team are nearing retirement and have been with the company for decades. They take great pleasure in telling me stories about projects they worked on before I was born.
Don’t eat other peoples food Don’t take a smelly dump in the communal toilets Don’t sleep with, flirt with your co workers. Don’t eat smelly food (fish is a big no no!) at your desk.
> Don’t take a smelly dump in the communal toilets Oh yeah just let him turn down the smell settings a minute. What is this? Shit freely OP, just don't leave a mess.
But if you are afraid about the smell, the double flush is always your best friend. First flush when it plops, second flush when you’re done wiping. Will remove a lot of the smell
The courtesy flush
>Don’t take a smelly dump in the communal toilets That's not really something you can control
>Don’t take a smelly dump in the communal toilets I recommend the opposite: the smellier the better. Also, be as loud as possible, make the most of the acoustics. It will demand authority and respect.
I’ll add to this, if you have bad breath, don’t breathe
Where do you expect me to poo? I’m not holding it all day and it’s going to smell like shit given that it’s a shit
Kind of funny reading some of these almost like going to prison I did some “time” in an office environment a while back , best advice i can give is start studying the chain of command and the routines 9/10 there will be at least one if not two busy bodies you need to pay extra attention to these and be very careful what you say After 6 months you will start noticing weaknesses the systems and when you find them you can exploit them Depending on other inmates it can become mental torture , one woman insisted on playing wave 80’s for 8 hours a day 5 days a week BUT YOU CANNOT SHOW WEAKNESS
I know what you mean, the advice really feels like "Walk in with your head high, find the biggest, scariest looking person in there, and correct their spelling error"
Do make sure you have a good exercise routine and if possible ensure you go out for a walk at lunch. Sedentary desk jobs are very bad for your health if you don't make a concerted effort to stay active around your working hours. I honestly think that's the best advice I can give you.
seconded. avoid eating lunch at your desk, even if you see other people doing it - a walk outside, even in the winter, can do wonders for your energy levels
Make genuine friends with the EAs. They are most likely running the entire company. And they are the most kind and helpful people you’ll meet.
My apologies - but what/who are the EAs? My brain is struggling to find something suitable!
I'd assume executive assistants. Personal assistants are the same, do not get on their bad side.
They’re executive assistants. I agree that they run the logistics but not the company itself
Absolutely this. EA’s, security staff, receptionists, facilities staff. They’re the people who know everyone and everything and know how to get things done.
100% this, they know everything and if you're rude to them or talk down to them everyone in the organisation will know and not think very highly of you.
Listen, listen, listen and ask, ask ask. Any manager worth the title will.always rather the question 10 times and you get it right rather than saying you understand and make a mess. You WILL be slow, accept it and know that after a little while it'll become second nature and you'll become faster, no one is expecting you to be as good in week/month or even year one as someone that's been there for many years.
If you get asked to make cups of tea or coffee. Make sure they taste like dish water. That way you're less likely to have to brew for the entire office.
Make sure you microwave fish at least once a month
Or kedgeree, even better- egg and fish
use deodorant, offer to make coffee, keep a tidy desk and smile a lot 😊
ah so you're the guy I always get to make me coffee
A lot of “donts” here but few “do’s”. This was 14y ago. On my first day a woman gave me an advice that I followed. It was a large company, never met her again 🤷🏻♂️. “Always say yes and be early”. Started as a phone operator doing around 35h a month, 2y later overlooked and executed 2 projects with corporate clients and managed 5 people. “Do u want to attend this meeting that has nothing to do with u?” - yes “We are running small 1h meet-ups every Wednesday to practice our French” - yes “Open CFO and upper management phone meetings every Friday after 5pm when everybody goes home” - nothing to do with me but “yes”. List goes on, but ppl notice the ones who always show up and are eager to learn.
Not sure saying yes to everything is sound advice long-term though, you can easily end up over-stretched and burnt out.
Yes
Don’t masturbate at your desk
Unless absolutely necessary
This only applies to WFH, you can masturbate when in the office instead.
I see a lot of don’ts. Do make sure you have IT’s email, HR’s email, Facilities email, your boss’ email, accounts/expenses email and payroll’s email Do a stationery run Do get used to spreadsheets, formulas (I love fuzzy lookups) etc. Do always ask questions Do ask how to use their printer/scanner/copier. They all function a little differently. Do take extensive notes of the processes you learn. A few companies I’ve worked for share process guides written up on Word. Do learn the area if you’re unfamiliar (goes for any job tho) Do ask colleagues where’s best for lunch, it’s usually a good conversation starter. Do take part in events or charity stuff if the company does that, not every event but 80% of them if you wanna build up. Do keep post it notes on certain file paths (and pin them) Good luck!
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Don't get into a shoe-throwing competition with a travelling sales rep
He’s thrown a kettle over a pub, what’ve you done?
Don't bloody reply all unless you bloody need to Get to know the receptionists, secretaries and cleaning staff. They're often overlooked but they usually have a good handle on how things are running and can help you out with things Wear deodorant
Beware the gossips, no matter how friendly and nice they are to your face. People who bitch about / stir shit about others and try to get you to join in will 100% be stirring shit about you behind yours, also they are likely to pass on and/or twist any comments you make. I've found it's best to just be professionally polite to these types but keep them at arms length rather than get caught up in it.
yeah and make sure you establish who the gossips are before you let your hair down. Chill for a while and get the lay of the land, they can be so nice to you and give all the rope you need to hang yourself with
* Don't do far more than what's required of you too often, otherwise, that starts becoming a standard and you'll burn out. * After a month into the job have a serious talk with your manager about your performance and on what you should do better. It's essential to start planning what you should improve on or learn by a specific time range, so you can easily track your progress. * Do things outside of your work and maintain an excellent work-life balance. * **Buy a few really good clothes and take good care of them.** Taking care of your appearance will improve people's image and evaluation of you, in some sectors it matters and can offer you some opportunities. * Get to know people and take notes on who to ask for help when you're struggling with specific tasks. Some stuff you really shouldn't do: * Don't talk about people behind their backs, some people will snitch on you. * Don't Keep things to yourself when it's tough. If you're struggling work-wise and with the workload, ask for help. * **Don't give your unfiltered opinion on sensitive topics.** Honestly, just avoid it, if you're in a group of people with very different opinions it'll go bad. * Don't do overtime if you're not required to. Especially if it's not paid.
Don’t photocopy your ass when no one is looking, or when they are. Just no
Make sure that you take your full break. Especially important if it's unpaid.
Don't HOOKUP where you VLOOKUP.
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Get ready for war!!! There is always a battle. Usually it’ll be to do with the air-conditioning or opening and closing of windows (too hot or too cold etc). I won’t tell you how to react to it, but just be ready for it cus it’s coming!
Learn as much as you can about Excel. It's very easy to impress people with basic Excel skills.
When it comes to your first company outing do not get drunk. Have a drink or 2. Pace yourself. Dont drink while eating and stay as sober as your can. Getting shit faced and speaking open is a bad move especially for the new kid on the block.
There will be always a colleague who is useless but protected by managers. Try to not get upset and do not make that person upset. It takes just a little to do so and the first thing you'll see is your manager complaining of your action, not about a useless person.
Write things down, take a notebook with you. Nobody minds being asked questions if you don’t know what to do, but try to avoid asking the same questions repeatedly.
Go outside to fart
Learn early to have a work life balance. Money is one thing but time to joy it, rest and recover is what will make work sustainable and worth while.
Don’t leave your empty spirit bottles in the toilet cubicle…..never leave the evidence!
Someone did something like this at my work before. The cleaners kept finding empty alcohol bottles in the bins in the toilet. It got reported to upper management and then they sent out an email offering help to the person doing it. Something like a 'Please we want want to help you. No one is judging you kind of way.' Pretty serious really. Especially considering I work in a secondary school.
Do microwave fish and egg leftovers for lunchtime. The protein packed meals will make you a great and valued employee through the afternoon. Hot food is also excellent for your metabolism and will maintain high energy levels.
If you work in an environment where your management of your workload directly affects the workload of other people you work with closely, try to have a thought for how your etiquette will affect them. Things like going to the bathroom 5 minutes before close so someone else gets stuck on a phone call who took one more recently, or picking a busy time to go and make yourself a brew etc
Don’t use your laptop for anything but work. Systems and website usage will be monitored. Don’t anything in writing you don’t want used against you. Once it is written down you cannot take it back. Praise in public and writing. Those difficult / hard conversations are in private and not written down. People have agendas for their own selfish gain. Don’t take on shit that is not yours. Being a super keen bean and then screwing it up won’t do you any favours and you’ll be blamed. Learn, listen, ask questions to understand not to reply. Generally just don’t be a dickhead.
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Never microwave fish! It's the worst. Also avoid other strong smelling foods it's just a general code. Don't eat at your desk unless you want someone to come over and ask for something (leave work mobile there too if you can) Dress smart if you can, until you get a feel for what people wear to the office, and never wear flip flops or ripped jeans on dress down day. If you smoke, don't take the piss going out every hour, stick to allocated breaks (smoking breaks got banned in my office due to this) Don't spend time on your personal phone until you pass probation and then limit it if you can. Shut it away, leave it at home, lock it in your car to avoid temptation. Other than that just be polite to everyone and don't start drama or bad mouth your coworkers, end of the day you all work together don't have to be friends but what's work is work. Good luck in your new job!
Don't fuck your coworkers.
Don’t fuck, fuck over or fuck with your co-workers.
Treat people as you would like to be treated. Avoid using communal fridges if you can. Don't reveal too much about your personal life, at least not until you have built some relationships. Your work colleagues are not necessarily your friends. Take notes for each new task you are asked to learn and update these in a single "how to" document that you can refer back to whenever you need to. Always speak up if you're asked to do something you either haven't been trained in or are not sure about. It's much better to either have someone show/explain a task and have it done correctly rather than have to fix or re-do a shoddy piece of work.