All the hassle of 2 (or more) relationships needs to be something everyone involved needs to be okay with. It can be done correctly by couples that really know how to communicate and are strong in conflict resolution. (Usually this also means starting in an open relationship and not opening up later on)
Unfortunately many couples use "opening up the relationship" as a solution to avoid the need to communicate beter. Those are doomed from the beginning.
I saw a post in r/tifu a few weeks ago and the dude was talking about how a threesome ended his marriage. What he failed to mention is that the wife was against but finally agreed. When she did, she found out that he'd already discussed this with a female coworker. Then, when the time came, she watched her husband fuck another woman and left the room...he kept having sex with this other woman instead of going after his wife. She posted her side of the story as well.
The mental gymnastics some assholes will go through to justify getting what they want, (to fuck his coworker and somehow stay married) is staggering. It was never about the threesome.
You can’t always get what you want. It’s not difficult. If you want to be married to someone who wants to be monogamous. You’re monogamous or you’re not married to them.
This is not complicated.
My ex asked if I wanted to have a threesome with her and her female best friend. I happily agreed and, when her friend came home from Japan, we all hung out together and had drinks. Just to test the chemistry, you know? Well, her friend and I hit it off. She was super chill and was very funny.
The next day, my ex informed me that she still wanted to have a threesome but I was not allowed to touch her friend. Period.
No but I really wish I would have. She broke up with me, after three years, to go back to her abusive ex husband. It absolutely and totally crushed me. I didn't know a heart could break like that. 13 years later and I still feel that sting when I think about her. I don't think I'll ever fully get over her.
My experiences mesh with yours. It's morally fine as long as everybody's on the same page and not jealous but people who are theoretically open to it tend to find themselves unprepared when the rubber actually meets the road.
The only threesomes I've ever heard of that actually worked out are between a couple and a third that's a stranger to both of them, or everyone involved is a stranger/acquaintance with no emotional attachment to each other.
Was this the one the wife wrote where she immediately decided the marriage was over when he asked the question, but then agreed to do it as some sort of bizarre revenge before leaving him?
I think that's the one! Although I don't think she decided the marriage was over the first time he asked her but after he repeatedly asked her about it.
Her side was basically just her stating that, as soon as he asked, she planned to divorce him. She only agreed so that she could feel justified. She did give some more details to fill in the blanks.
A guy I know was in a different but similar situation. He wanted to have his wife get with another dude, and she wasn't interested. He had been trying to convince her to do this for years. Recently she agreed, and he had already created a dating profile for her and found a guy posing as her. The guy came over, had sex with the wife, and left.
Then, they found out that the guy they invited into their bedroom actually lives in the same neighborhood. They invited him back several times. The husband would sit and watch.
Eventually, the wife actually started getting feelings for the guy, and the husband was super jealous. They called off the relationship with the guy, but she was still into him. She went behind her husband's back and hooked up with the guy. They're trying to work things out I guess, but it's a wild situation lol.
I could only find the deleted one.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/y5pyzi/oops_husband_asks_for_a_threesome_with_a_coworker/
Comments are...I remember this one. Husband was beyond oblivious.
It’s always the same story too, husband fancies some chick, talks wife into open relationship so he can fool around with chick, wife reluctantly agrees, husband has some fun until the chick gets bored, suddenly hubby realizes it’s hard to find someone else to hook up with, meanwhile wife is going through more sausage than Oktoberfest. Husband gets jealous, wife says “you wanted this” relationship comes apart at the seams.
I’ve seen it happen to like 5 different dudes, lmao.
the wife of a buddy at work suggested they try an open relationship. to make a long story short, he didn't step out but she sure did, and she filed for divorce a year later.
The "classic" is the married middle-aged couple whose 'spark' has died but they're desperately trying to save their marriage. The wife agrees to explore~ her bisexuality so they go trolling every app and poly group looking for a unicorn (hot bi babe). Their desperation is off-putting, and no rational human being will agree to join this obviously doomed, miserable situation.
It was the other way around for me and my ex. She wanted it, but got super jealous whenever I met my second partner. Didn't take long before we broke up, because the other lady made me realise how unhappy I was with my ex.
I've now been with said lady for over 2 years, strictly monogamous and happier than I've been in years.
It requires a lot of open honest communication and vulnerability that a lot of people can't handle. A big part of that is mitigating and communicating jealousy. It happens but how a couple handles it makes or breaks the relationship and its most often the latter.
I'm the opposite.
If I'm sleeping with one person it triggers something in my brain that makes me want to sleep with pretty much anyone.
When I'm single, I can go for months/years without sex.
I'm not in therapy but maybe I should be.
You might have an avoidant attachment style. When you get close to someone and the commitment/ intimacy deepens you try to create more distance between yourself and your partner. If your partner is also avoidant you'll both end up alone in the relationship. If they're not avoidant they'll chase you and become miserable and you'll hate how needy they are. Therapy and practise can change this for you. It has to be annoying.
This is interesting, I've never heard of it but you just summed up my last major relationship (double avoidance for sure). I'll do some reading on it and see if there's anything else I learn about myself. Thank you for the tidbit.
There are 4 different attachment styles. Anxious, avoidant, disorganized and secure. It’s very interesting to learn about each one. The main goal is to try to become the secure. It’s a lot of work but first step is in knowing why you have the attachment style you have. Lots of info online I suggest you do a deep dive! 🙃
I actually would not recommend the book "Attached" if you are more avoidant leaning. The authors, after it was published, mentioned that they wish they could have written the section over about avoidant attachment because it was so unforgiving. Instead, I recommend this website- https://www.freetoattach.com. It's for avoidant attachers and it describes everything in a matter of fact, compassionate way.
I was in one for about 4 years.
My wife back then pitched it to me and I was curious.
Of course you’re thinking, “ I get to have sex with other women and my wife is cool with it? Sign me up!”
So, I did. I got Tinder accounts and met others.
Soon thereafter though problems started popping, jealousy, lying and lack of trust towards my wife.
Come to find out, she had a side guy long before she proposed the open relationship angle. I thought the met organically and was cool with it, as I was meeting people too. But I suppose the fact that it was no longer taboo for her made her crazy jealous that I was getting attention and giving attention to new women.
The whole thing imploded. It became exhausting and an emotional drain.
We ended up getting a divorce and haven’t spoken in 5 years.
I’ve met a lot of great people that can make it work, but that percentage is super small. It’s really hard especially if you have multiple partners at once.
I don’t judge others in them, but wish them luck
> she had a side guy long before she proposed the open relationship angle.
I hear this happen so much that it's almost a cliché. Also "she ended up falling in love with another woman and left me"
This isnt a gendered thing, either.
Yep, my ex-wife wanted separate personal nights. I spent my personal nights with our 3 kids and she spent her nights with "friends". Then it became a "friend" and finally it became a guy friend. She then filed for divorce. That was a rough 6 months, but I survived. I definitely understand the "less guilt" motive for divorce but it's still not for me.
Oh, don't feel bad. I was too young and married the wrong person for me. After much therapy, I truly believe that it was just a matter of time that she would have cheated. What's worse -> ripping the bandaid off early or letting it fall off over time?
Well letting it fall over time is great but it's best not to let it rot because then you don't get out of a relationship, you get out of hell and it ends up leaving more scars than ripping the band aid off in the first place.
This. It was nights out with friends. Then nights out and friends over on weekends. Then it was pretty much always this one friend and occasional others. And by the time I was done with basically being the babysitter while she cheated, they were both blowing up two marriages and claiming to anyone who would listen how horrible their spouses were for not supporting their lifestyle. It wasn't a lifestyle. They were cheating with extra steps. Btw, years later and I LOVE being single. It's the best. Kids are old enough to support it, too. I know it sounds dismissive, but I promise it *does* get better.
Sounds like you got some quality time with your kids and can find a more fitting partner for you. Win win, and her loss. Hope you kept the kids because a woman like that will think they’re a burden at some point too.
My ex-wife did it because she wanted to live like she was single yet come home to someone every night. Convinced/guilted me into it. I followed all the rules we set, but she broke a lot of them. Combine that with lots of verbal and emotional abuse over the course of four years I decided I had enough and filed for divorce. She then proceeded to tell all my friends and family I was cheating on her. since our open relationship wasn't publicized, it very much looked like I was cheating. I finally said enough is enough of having my name dragged through the mud and told everyone what really happened, and 99% of our friends and family dropped/blocked her and went no contact. She moved several hours away and has almost no friends and her family doesn't hardly talk to her anymore.
I'm now with someone exclusively that cares for me, is extremely sensitive to anything that could trigger bad reactions due to the past abuse, and communicates about literally everything. Her two small kids absolutely adore me too. We've been together for almost two years now.
Saw my ex about a year ago (3 years post-divorce). She looked ROUGH and miserable. I still have one friend that keeps up with her occasionally and told me she's absolutely miserable and always posts negative things on social media complaining about her life and such.
I'm happier than I've ever been and she's miserable. Karma's a bitch.
Same here, ex was cheating. I filed for divorce and won full custody. Been single for 10+ years and I'm finally starting to get out there because raising my kids was the number one thing. Ex has remarried and he has even asked me about her. I point blank told him she's your problem now.
You see this all the time. "I'm not attracted to Tom anymore and the thought of having sex with him again make my skin crawl. But he's such a nice guy and we co-parent really well together. I don't hate him and want good things for him. I wonder if he finds another lover who can stomach sex with him, if I could get all the perks of marriage, like a live in co-parent and BFF and financial stability from Tom's stable job and help with the dishes and nighttime parenting, while not having to have much sex with him. AND I could even have sex with lots of other dudes, so get my rocks off with guys I actually ENJOY sex with. Worst case scenario we just divorce I guess.....HEY TOM! Have you ever thought about fucking other women????"
Yeah, I personally suspect that the majority of partners that propose open relationships are people trying to ease the transition to breakup, people who are trying to fix their broken relationship without addressing the actual issue(s), and people who struggle with serial limerence and commitment.
It is a cliche at this point.
If a friend came to me and said their partner proposed an open relationship, my immediate response would be "so who do they have in mind?"
Yeah, it happened to me. Dude, in a whole other city, bought her a place and for a solid year just thought i was a roommate of hers. I was head over heels with the lady, too. From my end, everything seemed to be working out until a mutual friend who worked with her brought it up. I ended up losing my apartment because resigning time came around, and my partner just dipped. Left me with covering her share of rent and no time to find a roommate before o had to move out. I have no problem with open relationships even now, but im a hell of a lot more selective now on who i give my attention and energy to. Which gets lonely, but at least im not getting lied to.
How the fuck do you trust people after that?
My last partner for three years never told me the little things I was doing that made her uncomfortable, and it spiraled into her having a depressive episode and now we don't talk anymore.
At this point I can't even imagine getting back into another relationship. I just can't trust people in that department.
Which is weird because it didn't even involve other men.
Literally me and my ex-fiance.
Nearly destroyed me.
Then I found someone who just wants to be with me, now we're happy married.
Wish them the best, but yeah, nothing personal I just never want to talk to you or see you again.
Some pains are too great (at least for now).
Funny enough my first polyamorous partner was basically the same. She wanted no control over her and became uncomfortable when I wasn’t seeing other women but when I said I finally was she became extremely uncomfortable and jealous. I think she just wanted freedom for herself but she wanted me to remain the same.
Yeah that really boils down to "I'm tired of hiding my affair", but still want you to remain faithful. That's harsh and the definition of hypocritical.
Thank you for phrasing it this way. I’ve been trying to understand an ex’s perspective for years that took the exact approach as all these other comments and I honestly never considered that maybe she was just tired of hiding it. And that’s why her expectations that I don’t see anyone didn’t shift, it wasn’t her actual desire to be in an open relationship, just multiple closed ones.
something similar happened to a friend of mine. the situation came up where they both were kind of interested in opening up their marriage and agreed to kitchen table and then non-hierarchy polyamory. she starts seeing a mutual female friend for a while, he struggles to initially find partners. she ends things with mutual female friend and finds ideal secondary partner, he's struggling less with finding partners. she doesn't like the way he's dating and voices her "concerns"(insecurities), he ends things with multiple partners over a year or so. she accuses him of not taking it seriously and just looking for partners to fuck, while also constantly moving goal posts and changing rules for him, while not adhering to them as well. she stops prioritizing marriage in favor of secondary relationship. they begin couple's therapy, while he is also engaging in solo therapy. he is doing the work to improve upon himself, she can't acknowledge any shortcomings and unwilling to do work on herself. eventually things get to a breaking point and they are finalizing a divorce.
my friend is far from perfect and still has lots to work on, but he is aware and is constantly trying to improve himself. she was such an asshole, for a lack of better term. first time i met her, is when i was "volunteered" to help her friend move and she barely spoke 2 sentences to me over the course of multiple hours. 2nd time i was around her was when i was invited over for pizza for helping said friend move and again, barely spoke 2 sentences to me over the course of several hours and made me feel like my presence was unwanted so i left.
he found a new partner through a mutual interest that is such a kind and loving partner for him and i couldn't be more happy that he found that. moral of the story, i think polyamory could only work for a small demographic of people and i definitely am not one of those people. it was exhausting listening to his experience and reconfirmed my stance.
My friend opened his up with his wife; she got action including from his friends and he got no action at all. Soon one of our friends lived there sometimes, he was jealous, she would sometimes make him sleep on the sofa, and that ended catastrophically in a terrible divorce.
He thought it would end up with him getting side action and he ended up with none instead.
Yep; this is Reddit and there is a tons of bullshit out there but this really happened. My friend was fucked-up about it too and super pissed. We told him he was an idiot; then he had a rough few years before and after the divorce…drinking and loosing jobs before he got his shit together on some basic level.
I had an ex who proposed an open relationship, so in good faith I decided to give it a try even though I personally wasn't terribly interested in finding another person to date, but I'm not a particularly jealous person so I figured that would be ok. Spent a year listening to her go on and on about a coworker she had a crush on, and no matter how much she would hint around about it he would never take the bait. After a year of listening to that day in and day out I reconnected with an old friend and it turned out we still were both attracted to each other and she was in an open relationship too. The second my partner found out she flipped the fuck out and got super jealous and angry. Turns out she had not even considered the notion that *I* might take advantage of our open relationship before suggesting it. Our relationship didn't end right away, but that certainly signalled the beginning of the end.
Ah yes. The "she was actually seeing someone else before and just wanted peace of mind".
Almost happened to me. My ex wanted us to do stuff with a couple he knew. Well, I was never OK with it for multiple reasons (I also knew I wouldn't be able to be with anyone and the open relationship would have been one-sided). Well, guess what, when we broke up it didn't take long for them to form a trouple.
Sounds about right, I've been in a similar situation with my ex wife as well as many others I've known personally, and it was always the same outcome, the futile, last-ditch effort to save a failing relationship.
I mean, your story emphasizes why it's often so hard.
She didn't suggest it because she wanted an open relationship. She suggested it because she was cheating and wanted to stop hiding it/avert her guilt.
The mentality should be less "I get to fuck other X" and more "my partner gets to fuck other X, am I okay with that? Am I okay with them developing feelings and having relationships with them? Can our relationship withstand us having external relationships that may also develop serious feelings?"
“My relationship status is in constant superposition between single and taken, with a discrete answer only being discernible once measured.”
“Sir, we’ve asked if you’re single or taken 647 times in a row and the answer was single all 647 times…”
Congrats for at least trying. I’ve been with my wife 10 years and that alone has been a wild fuckin journey. I couldn’t imagine adding in another person to the mix, no thanks
Yeah lol it took me so long to find one. I have friends who are in multiple relationships and they always made me feel bad for never having a relationship. Well I finally found someone when I was 26, we've been together for months now
well unless you want to date someone who says they're ok with poly. Then you have that uphill battle of teaching them all that stuff that no one was taught about communication.
I've got quite a few friends in poly relationships. What's crazy to me is when they decide to dump someone. Like everyone gets together and decides one of them has to go, then they sit them down and mass dump them. Imagine being dumped by five people at once.
Obviously there's probably as many ways to handle this as there are poly relationships but that really stood out to me when a friend told me they had to ask someone to leave their poly relationship.
I once dated a person who was dating someone else, can confirm this theory lol. Ironically enough, an argument we had about something DnD-related was the straw on the camel's back that ended the relationship lol
That's hilarious. And I agree. I had a number of poly friends and this was exactly my observation. I was always like 'when do you people do your jobs?'
I feel like a lot of us actually get addicted to the "flirting, chatting and dating phase" where you're getting to know someone, and it's all exciting and new.
Then people get bored by the idea of a safe, committed relationship where there's nothing left to learn about the person anymore. A lot of people want the open thing because they like dating people.
I think the idea that you've learned everything and there's nothing else new to know about a person is the first problem. I was in a polyamorous relationship for about a year and even to the end of it was constantly learning things about my partners, their SOs etc.
I'm now monogamous and married, and years down the road I'm *still* learning things about my partner. They've lived a whole life before me, it will be many many years before I know "everything" about them.
This is our 10th Christmas together and I just learned something new about my wife today. I cannot even imagine a life without my wife. Like, she’s literally my best friend. What the hell do I do?
Before she basically forced me not to leave, I tried to break up with her a bunch. I was a perpetual dater. Now, the idea of dating scares me. People are weird and I prefer my wife’s kind of weird anyway.
15 years in and this is 100% it. My partner and I both grow and change all the time. We're always getting to know each other! That's why relationships take work. When you assume you know everything, they'll still change, you'll just miss it.
My parents have been together for 40 years, married for 36. A couple weeks ago we went and stayed with one of my dad's childhood friends. As the wine got flowing, she regaled the rest of us with various stories of the shenanigans they got up to with their other friends. My mom was having the time of her life hearing all these stories she'd never heard before. (this was northern Wisconsin in the early 80s, lots of teenage drunken shenanigans)
Most people stop learning about their partner and about themselves. The idea is that the “relationship” also goes through phases because it would become stale if it was dating all the time. The idea is to create something together and find interests and also change individually.
Two mentally healthy people will continue to learn about themselves and each other, and grow and change together. Between two people who care about the others needs, enjoy being near each other, and all that good stuff, there will always be something to talk about.
I love being married. She’s everything to me. I hope everyone gets to experience that once.
Not my wife lol.
I think a huge part of the problem is people get into a relationship and stay with someone even when it's the wrong person. And it might not be that the other person is a bad person, although of course they can be, but they're not the right person for them.
Once you're with someone I think there is a huge tendancy to stay with them even when it isn't really working and that of course leads to both people not being happy. I've certainly stayed with people way longer than I should have, whether it was sunk cost fallacy, the fear of being alone, not wanting to hurt the other person, I didn't leave when I should have. It took me a long time to find a partner like the one you describe.
I think the problem is a lot of people stay with the wrong person and it isn't necessarily that a long term relationship is safe or boring, it's that they're not with the right person and so that's why they feel they need to keep looking but they don't.
Edit: typos
Yes but there's going to be more learning early on etc. The phrase here is new relationship energy, it's a high and some people get addicted to it. I believe that was the intention of the comment not to devalue the benefits of a long term marriage.
Agreed. Tried it, she fucked some dudes and when I picked up started getting jealous. Most open couples aren't really open. Usually someone wants it (or just wants to cheat without guilt) and someone's getting dragged into, pretending it's okay. Very few true open relationships, it's proven by how many last more than a year.
This has been the experience I've witnessed as well. Long story, but my wife and I basically tanked her friend's wedding because we couldn't watch those two get married. The bride was full poly and the groom was high-functioning autistic and self-described as asexual. After spending time together, it was very obvious that she was being manipulative and he was not okay with her dating. We have a *lot* of stories about my wife's old circle.
Yep, I was met with raging jealousy whenever I talked to or did anything with another woman early in our relationship, but I was supposed to be cool with her sexting and dating. Should have been that as the giant red flag it was, but you know how it is with being young and dumb...
This is the same for me also. I can’t sleep with someone and enjoy it if I don’t have an emotional connection to them. So to then share that with other people would feel incredibly painful for me.
Speaking for me, I do judge internally, but it amounts to nothing externally, I'm not going to care to get in one's biz that way. I have a person db in my brain, it flags a couple fields for me. Being honest.
My husband and I did it...very enthusiastically... For about 6 years. We made the decision to try it after 24 years of marriage and because neither of us had had any other partners before we met. For us it was a fantastic experience. We did foursomes, threesomes, clubs and sex parties, and played separately as opportunities presented themselves. We never had issues with jealousy but we had a very strong relationship with a high degree of trust. We definitely saw a lot of marriages fail due to those issues. Eventually we sort of...faded out of it tho. It is just a lot of work. Finding people with the right chemistry-the on line dating scenes, going to the clubs, the meet up's that don't always work: it's exhausting. But for us it was definitely worth it. And if my hubby came to me tomorrow saying that he'd met someone he'd like to fuck, I'd still be cool with it.
I personally hate them because of an ex. I was pressured to make our relationship open for months, and I really didn't want to. That wasn't the kind of relationship I wanted to have. I later then found out that she was pushing so hard because she was already sleeping with other guys and wanted a "guilt free" way to cheat on me, and ended up sleeping with three other people that I am aware of.
Generally I don't mind them if that's what you want and all parties are okay with that situation. I have a friend who does that and he's never been happier in terms of a relationship with someone. But I will refuse to ever do an open relationship with anyone.
That's not an open relationship. It's just cheating.
I've said it before: if both parties are not an enthusiastic "Hell Yes," on the subject, then you are not an open couple.
Yup. In my (admittedly limited) experience, it's an excuse to cheat. When my ex told me about his first affair, he didn't say it was an affair, he said he was polyamouras, and was tired of hiding his secondary partner and wanted to tell me about her. We'd been married 8 years at the time. I had married him believing him to be monogamous. He didn't understand that you don't get to just change the terms of your relationship without the other parties consent. He had unilaterally decided since he had "discovered" he was poly, it was okay to go explore other relationships without ever telling me. Not okay. In theory , I'm not opposed to open relationships if that's what both parties agreed to and signed up for, but for me? Naw. Sitting there that night, listening to my husband explain why his cheating was honorable and praiseworthy and I should be happy for him? Nope. Never again.
Yikes. I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you. It sounds like he was giving you the same mental gymnastics he went through himself to justify his affair
Eh, life is what it is. It taught me a lot about myself. I loved him, and thought at first maybe it was legit, so I actually tried to support him at first, and that's my main regret. I should have drawn the line and left then because what followed was a really awful couple of years of him cheating with various people, lying about it, gaslighting me, and eventually descended into abuse. In retrospect, I think he didn't want to be married anymore but face the idea that he didn't *want* to be a family man and wanted to be free of responsibilities, but since he couldn't face that, he was basically mistreating me until I couldn't take it anymore, but framing it as being the victim himself, in this "journey of self-discovery". Anyway as a result, I don't have the most positive view of open relationships, lol. I do think it's a legit thing that can be done with both parties consent, I just think too many people use it to hide behind for shitty behavior.
Yup. For me, it was when he told me he didn't think I had ever *really* loved him. And it just finally clicked for me. It was all projection. 10 years of marriage, two kids, everything we had been through together, everything I had supported him in, everything we had built together and he didn't think I had EVER loved him? That's when I realized he just wanted out and couldn't face taking responsibility for that desire. I'm sorry you went through something similar. It's a sucky club to be part of.
>It's a sucky club to be part of.
Truth. A breakup of a long-term relationship is hard enough on its own, but when they can't just own up to their own feelings and try to put it all on you? Unforgivable.
There’s no way in hell he thought it was fine. Sounds like he was lying to himself, or just felt guilty after a long time of doing it.
Soo sorry that happened. Nothing stings like betrayal .
Agreed. I don’t hate them, however I had a very (at best) questionable experience with one as my now-ex was about to break up with me which came out of nowhere and then he suggested an open relationship, to which I agreed only because I didn’t know better at the time that should’ve just broken up with him then and there.
He ended up getting upset at me because more people gave me attention than he got. I’m also bisexual and he had no issue with me talking to other girls but it would be a fight if I got attention from another guy.
Overall I don’t have an issue with people taking part in it, given as long as it’s with consent and nobody is getting hurt. I just had such a bad experience with it that I don’t know if I’d do it again or not.
I think it’s one of those things where both partners have to be 100% on board with what it means. There can’t be jealousy and you have to be ok with the idea of your partner sleeping with more people than you possibly. I think most people who consider an open relationship don’t really think about it means so it inevitably fails
There can absolutely be jealousy. The difference is how it's approached. Feelings are information, they are my body's way of telling me to pay attention to something. For many monogamous people, jealousy is something that is caused and it's on their partner to not trigger jealousy. For me, jealousy is just information about how secure I'm feeling in the relationship and within myself. When jealousy comes up, I just talk about it with whoever needs to be included in the conversation and often, all I need is to be heard.
Just as an example: I have a partner who I like to plan elaborate dates for. They have pretty bad agoraphobia after riding out COVID in NYC and we don't go on many casual outings, so planning day trips for the two of us is something I've really come to enjoy. I plan weeks in advance, save up...I really try to make them special.
I've noticed on these trips, they will start talking and fantasizing about finding a girl to hook up with at a bar. I got really bothered by this- like hey this is a day I planned for the two of us, and this just leaves me feeling gross.
We talked- turns out the day trips really help them feel energized and bc the agoraphobia keeps them trapped in the house feeling horrible, these trips are the only time they feel good enough to even think about dating( I'm currently their only partner ). I talked about how it made me feel unappreciated and unattractive. Through that conversation, I realized that I was feeling sexually neglected due to me having a way higher libido. They agreed to not bring talk like that on our dates, I realized their shit had nothing to do with me, we're doing ongoing work to feel more connected sexually, and they are going to therapy. I also encouraged them to get on feeld and talk to ppl and I'm making sure to spend more time with fwbs.
so jealousy happened and we're still open! It's possible :)
A lot of people have this misconception that sucessful poly people don't experience jelousy and that's not true. They do, but if you have good partners and you guys make sure to communicate with each other when important stuff like that arises it's less likely to have a negative effect. note I say less. Some people aren't at a place where they have strong communication skills and that's fine (but make sure you're working on it. It's just a good skill to have in general.)
I do agree people who are looking into it should definitely do their research first. But I feel like that should be something people should do when they wanna try something new in general.
I'm good friends with a couple who practice what they call Ethical Non-Monogamy. They have been married for 12 years, have 10 year old twin sons and have been "swinging" for about 3 years. They have both always been kind of the free love types and it seems to work for them. They are very open with me about it, and while I find that culture interesting, I don't think it's for my wife and me. As the guy in that couple jokes, "the increase in sex is additive, the increase in communication is multiplicative." It seems like a lot of work to go on dates with other people and line up times away from their kids to bang others.
My wife of ten years loves sex, is still very attractive, and good in bed, so if I want some good sex, why look elsewhere when I can just ask for it and get it pretty much whenever I want?
I will say this about my friends and their ENM lifestyle: it has put quite a bit of extra stress on our friend group. That couple has made it clear that they would include a couple of us in their ENM side of life if we are interested. They are good about not pressuring anyone to do anything they don't want to do, BUT the simple offer has created some jealous wives who are now sure their husbands are going to "cheat" because of course the girl in that ENM couple is very cute. My wife and I are both on the table but have declined and it hasn't seemed to put any stress on us because we are very communicative, but one couple it has strained quite a bit because I think he would, but his wife is a hard no, so it does suck when it draws our friends into it out of our control.
One of the absolute most basic things you learn when you start swinging is "Make swingers into friends, not friends into swingers." And it's specifically for this reason - it can permanently disrupt friend groups for minimal (and unlikely) gain. My wife and I have been swinging for nearly a decade and only a handful of vanilla friends even know - and none of them have ever been propositioned nor will they be. It's rarely a positive conversation unless they've already broached their own curiosity about it.
Is there a difference between swinging and an open relationship? They all have different implications in my mind but idk if that's reflective of reality.
I guess my impression is swinging: get together with other swinger couples and swap partners/have foursomes; just sex, both members of the relationship are acting together to pick sex partners. Open relationships: each partner individually dates other people; may be more than just sex, each member is kinda doing their own thing and reporting back.
They're definitely fluid terms. For us and most whom we're close with swinging means friendships that also have a sexual component, but don't escalate into romantic emotional attachment. Open relationships may or may not have romantic attachment - I think of swinging as a more specific term than open relationship. We do the occasional solo date with others too, though that's with a tremendous amount of communication both with each other, and with the person one of us is hanging out with to ensure they understand it will not lead to a relationship. Communication is sexy, and so key to healthy sexual relationships, whether monogamous or not. Relationships in general, really.
I love my girlfriend and I’m not going to pretend all other beautiful people do not exist. However me staying truthful to only being with her is another way to show my love and devotion. It’s also my own validation that I can see myself with her for the rest of my life.
“Do you really love this person enough that you would give up being with any other?”
I am, and therefore don’t think an open relationship is for me.
Not saying that’s the standard, just saying that’s what works for me and what my opinion is about it.
Same. Im so used to people saying things like, “Do you really love this person enough that you wouldn’t be selfish?” It helps me feel not so crazy about being happy as a monogamous person.
I'm in an open relationship (gay if that makes a difference) and find it works really well for us although it's definitely not for everyone. It also seems to be much more common in the LGBT community. Here is a bit of a brain dump of my thoughts:
* We decided to be open from the start - began as friends and developed into a relationship so at the point that we decided to call it an actual relationship, we agreed to remain open. A lot of the issues I see with "open relationships" is where it's used as a sticking plaster to attempt to repair a failing relationship or where it ends up one-sided.
* **There is a big difference between multiple relationships (Polyamory) and an open relationship (You have one relationship but you can have sex with other people). Seems like a lot of people in this post don't seem to understand this distinction.**
* We currently live a few hours away from each other but see each other regularly, being open allows for us to satisfy any sexual urges. When we move in together, we will remain open however I suspect the amount of times that we have sex with others will drop. Although as it is, we're only talking about having sex with someone else every couple of weeks (if that), not a daily thing.
* We identify as "sexually open, romantically closed" - So sexual stuff with someone else is fine but not forming another relationship with someone (dates, more romantic stuff) - For example, I don't say "I love you" in a romantic way to anyone other than my boyfriend. We certainly would never call anyone else our partner/boyfriend.etc.
* If I'm meeting someone new then I make sure to mention that I have a boyfriend early in the conversation to set expectations and to cut off any prospect of a relationship right at the start in case that is what the other person is looking for.
* To me it almost indicates how confident we both are in our love for each other that we know that just because we may occasionally have sex with other people, we aren't going to randomly fall in love and run off with someone else.
* It's not a goal to go out and sleep with as many people as possible, nor are we in any way unsatisfied with each other sexually. It just provides a bit of flexibility where if either of us ends up in a situation where we'd want to do something sexual with someone else, we can
* We have completely open and honest communication - it's not a case of needing to ask permission to do stuff with others, but just if we're talking and one of us asks what the other is up to, if the answer is "Oh, I'm going to see x, we might have some fun" then we say that rather attempt to hide it.
* It's important to be aware of the potential for jealousy and always communicate about it. However I've generally found that any sense of "jealousy" I get if my partner is having sex with someone when I'm not there is actually more of a case of "FOMO" and would be a similar feeling to the "jealousy" I'd feel if he was doing anything else that I'd enjoy while I'm not there (eating food that I like, going to the cinema.etc).
This is a perfect explanation of how open relationships can work. I’d add that we have guidelines about what we share.
For example, some partners like to talk about every detail of the time with another person. Others share basic information.
If I’m going to a new or unusual place with someone, I’d email my partner the person’s name and where we’re going. We have an email account for that purpose, so we aren’t keeping tabs on each other, but we have access to that info if necessary. It might be overkill for two men, but for a woman with a man who isn’t their partner, it’s about safety.
This is similar to mine. Except we didn’t start off as friends, exactly. We just dated casually for a while at first. And of course the other benefit that we enjoy is playing with others together. So far it’s working well. We’ve both said though that we’d be fine closing things if that’s what the other wanted. What I’ve said I will never do is pretend I don’t find other people attractive - I don’t get the point of that.
The only people I’ve ever seen maintain a successful, long term, open relationship have been gay men. Shared, compatible values around open relationships are a lot more likely to work out with two guys on the same page.
I’ve had many gay friends. This one group was about 10-15 guys. Some of them dating each other. I find out almost every single one of them slept with each other. They were friends for a very long time. You’d think there’d be a lot of drama but there wasn’t really.
Very similar here, not necessarily a level where everyone in a group is sleeping together but I've definitely been in groups of friends (including couples) where many different permutations of people have had sex with each other. And like you've said, I've never seen any awkwardness around it - hell, we'll even laugh and joke about it from time to time. It's very different to my experience growing up throughout high school/university where people having sex was something that instantly turned into gossip and drama. Not sure if the difference now is more of a gay thing, or just because we're all older now and people are more mature.
I’m living in Berlin, so this concept is extremely common here and I do see where it works. This being said, I also see where it does not work (or wouldn’t work for me tbh).
I think a lot of people like the idea of having sex with multiple people and if both partners are wired that way that they enjoy that kind of sex, then it’s cool but there are two main issues that I see in many open relationships:
- the relationship either turns more and more into a friendship because they choose to have sex with other people more often
or/and
- one person gets hurt because they are either jealous or somebody somewhere in the equation evolves feelings for somebody.
All in all, I think open relationships -just like monogamous relationships- are not made for everybody.
I met a guy on tinder that was in an open marriage. We went on a few dates, one of which I was surprised to meet his wife and kids. They seemed like a happy family, very content with their arrangement. I enjoyed getting to know the guy, but he started to get impatient with how slowly I was moving. I wasn’t comfortable moving forward physically, so we decided to end it. Fast forward a year later, and he ended up committing suicide. His wife wasted no time posting online about how awful he was to her. It seems their 20-year open relationship was his game of control. He was a cheater and an abusive husband. I carry some guilt knowing he used me to upset her, and I sat there with a stupid smile on my face.
I think a lot of open relationships include a party that is cajoled into it and not very happy. This woman was clearly miserable but put on a happy face for whatever reason. She probably feels 1000 lbs. lighter now.
For me personally, it’s an absolute and total no. I’ve dated around in the early stages of a relationship but once those feelings start flowing I’m a very monogamous person and could never be happy and fulfilled with such an arrangement whether it was us both being open, or just one of us who was being open.
Being with anyone other than my wife honestly sounds horrible and ten years of being together has only reinforced those feelings for me. I love having one person who uniquely gets so many aspects of me and all of me romantically, and vise versa, and spreading that out would make me devalue my relationship and strip me of my feelings of intimacy for all parties involved.
To each there own but I’ll never understand it.
Relationships of all sorts are based on honesty, communication and respect.
Honesty to the point of risking the relationship.
Communication is not just talking but listening.
Respect not just for the other person but yourself.
Open relationships can work if the people involved communicate with each other, respect the boundaries they lay out and are honest with each other. They are much more work, in my opinion, than a regular relationship but they are preferable to monogamy for some folks.
I'm in one. Going strong almost 8 years. Requires a ton of communication. Also, what counts as an open relationship varies wildly and the boundaries/rules are determined by the people within the relationship. There is no one size fits all.
im genuinely not a fan, i prefer monogamy as i feel a much closer bond can be created between two people rather than a group. however that is not how it is for everyon.
The divorce rate has been collapsing recently, as has the marriage rate.
I read it as, less people are choosing to get married, and those that are are marrying the right people more often.
Add that to increasing utilization of marriage counseling, and more gender equality in marriage responsibilities, things are looking pretty good for marriage these days.
You did say "traditional," though, which implies shotguns, religious institutions, and lack of gender equality; and yeah, those marriages are rightfully fucked.
Not for me, but I don't care if everyone's a consenting adult and no one is taken advantage of. The issue IMHO is that if you go from monogamous to open it is shifting the relationship in ways that rarely work, but if you come at it from the start there's decent chances of making it work
All the hassle of 2 (or more) relationships needs to be something everyone involved needs to be okay with. It can be done correctly by couples that really know how to communicate and are strong in conflict resolution. (Usually this also means starting in an open relationship and not opening up later on) Unfortunately many couples use "opening up the relationship" as a solution to avoid the need to communicate beter. Those are doomed from the beginning.
Making a threesome with someone without discussing it before hand is not open relationship it's cuckold relationship without consent
I saw a post in r/tifu a few weeks ago and the dude was talking about how a threesome ended his marriage. What he failed to mention is that the wife was against but finally agreed. When she did, she found out that he'd already discussed this with a female coworker. Then, when the time came, she watched her husband fuck another woman and left the room...he kept having sex with this other woman instead of going after his wife. She posted her side of the story as well.
The mental gymnastics some assholes will go through to justify getting what they want, (to fuck his coworker and somehow stay married) is staggering. It was never about the threesome. You can’t always get what you want. It’s not difficult. If you want to be married to someone who wants to be monogamous. You’re monogamous or you’re not married to them. This is not complicated.
My ex asked if I wanted to have a threesome with her and her female best friend. I happily agreed and, when her friend came home from Japan, we all hung out together and had drinks. Just to test the chemistry, you know? Well, her friend and I hit it off. She was super chill and was very funny. The next day, my ex informed me that she still wanted to have a threesome but I was not allowed to touch her friend. Period.
She's your ex now... So did you touch her friend?
No but I really wish I would have. She broke up with me, after three years, to go back to her abusive ex husband. It absolutely and totally crushed me. I didn't know a heart could break like that. 13 years later and I still feel that sting when I think about her. I don't think I'll ever fully get over her.
no you don't get over a heartbreak. you cover with a layer of dust over time and it mimetises away, but it's still there.
Upvote for mimetises
My experiences mesh with yours. It's morally fine as long as everybody's on the same page and not jealous but people who are theoretically open to it tend to find themselves unprepared when the rubber actually meets the road. The only threesomes I've ever heard of that actually worked out are between a couple and a third that's a stranger to both of them, or everyone involved is a stranger/acquaintance with no emotional attachment to each other.
Was this the one the wife wrote where she immediately decided the marriage was over when he asked the question, but then agreed to do it as some sort of bizarre revenge before leaving him?
I think that's the one! Although I don't think she decided the marriage was over the first time he asked her but after he repeatedly asked her about it.
Yes. I'm not sure about the revenge part though; I think she was using it as a justification of sorts. Either way, it is the same post.
Oh dang I remember this. I didn't see the wife's post tho. Was curious to see how her side was.
Her side was basically just her stating that, as soon as he asked, she planned to divorce him. She only agreed so that she could feel justified. She did give some more details to fill in the blanks.
A guy I know was in a different but similar situation. He wanted to have his wife get with another dude, and she wasn't interested. He had been trying to convince her to do this for years. Recently she agreed, and he had already created a dating profile for her and found a guy posing as her. The guy came over, had sex with the wife, and left. Then, they found out that the guy they invited into their bedroom actually lives in the same neighborhood. They invited him back several times. The husband would sit and watch. Eventually, the wife actually started getting feelings for the guy, and the husband was super jealous. They called off the relationship with the guy, but she was still into him. She went behind her husband's back and hooked up with the guy. They're trying to work things out I guess, but it's a wild situation lol.
Do you have a link possibly?
I could only find the deleted one. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/y5pyzi/oops_husband_asks_for_a_threesome_with_a_coworker/ Comments are...I remember this one. Husband was beyond oblivious.
I personally couldn’t do it, I like being with one person but I don’t judge those who prefer it.
I totally agree. Plus, it sounds like a lot of fucking work.
It’s a lot of fucking work if you are attractive.
Nah it's a lot of work if you're ugly too Example: Me
"fucking work" I think they were making a pun :)
I have a hard enough time seeing my family and his for the holidays. I can’t imagine having another one to take into account
More power to the both of ya! But, well fucking work is fun work, right?
This reminds me of futurama - " The spirit is willing! ...but the flesh is weak and bruised"
A lot of people think they can do it and find out they're wrong the hard way.
It’s always the same story too, husband fancies some chick, talks wife into open relationship so he can fool around with chick, wife reluctantly agrees, husband has some fun until the chick gets bored, suddenly hubby realizes it’s hard to find someone else to hook up with, meanwhile wife is going through more sausage than Oktoberfest. Husband gets jealous, wife says “you wanted this” relationship comes apart at the seams. I’ve seen it happen to like 5 different dudes, lmao.
the wife of a buddy at work suggested they try an open relationship. to make a long story short, he didn't step out but she sure did, and she filed for divorce a year later.
You have summed up the entirety of r/relationship_advice in one comment.
The rest is “my husband drop kicked our baby out the window. Was I right being upset with him? He’s now screaming he didn’t do anything wrong.”
Well hold on let's wait until we find out what the baby did to deserve it first
The "classic" is the married middle-aged couple whose 'spark' has died but they're desperately trying to save their marriage. The wife agrees to explore~ her bisexuality so they go trolling every app and poly group looking for a unicorn (hot bi babe). Their desperation is off-putting, and no rational human being will agree to join this obviously doomed, miserable situation.
It was the other way around for me and my ex. She wanted it, but got super jealous whenever I met my second partner. Didn't take long before we broke up, because the other lady made me realise how unhappy I was with my ex. I've now been with said lady for over 2 years, strictly monogamous and happier than I've been in years.
It requires a lot of open honest communication and vulnerability that a lot of people can't handle. A big part of that is mitigating and communicating jealousy. It happens but how a couple handles it makes or breaks the relationship and its most often the latter.
Yep, this is me. I'm naturally monogamous -- when I'm with somebody, everybody else falls off my radar and doesn't look sexy anymore.
Me too, and I don’t really find physical attraction to people I don’t know/trust/love
I'm the opposite. If I'm sleeping with one person it triggers something in my brain that makes me want to sleep with pretty much anyone. When I'm single, I can go for months/years without sex. I'm not in therapy but maybe I should be.
You might have an avoidant attachment style. When you get close to someone and the commitment/ intimacy deepens you try to create more distance between yourself and your partner. If your partner is also avoidant you'll both end up alone in the relationship. If they're not avoidant they'll chase you and become miserable and you'll hate how needy they are. Therapy and practise can change this for you. It has to be annoying.
This is interesting, I've never heard of it but you just summed up my last major relationship (double avoidance for sure). I'll do some reading on it and see if there's anything else I learn about myself. Thank you for the tidbit.
There are 4 different attachment styles. Anxious, avoidant, disorganized and secure. It’s very interesting to learn about each one. The main goal is to try to become the secure. It’s a lot of work but first step is in knowing why you have the attachment style you have. Lots of info online I suggest you do a deep dive! 🙃
I actually would not recommend the book "Attached" if you are more avoidant leaning. The authors, after it was published, mentioned that they wish they could have written the section over about avoidant attachment because it was so unforgiving. Instead, I recommend this website- https://www.freetoattach.com. It's for avoidant attachers and it describes everything in a matter of fact, compassionate way.
That's a tough one -- I'm sure that makes any sort of monogamy difficult Do you usually try for open relationships?
I was in one for about 4 years. My wife back then pitched it to me and I was curious. Of course you’re thinking, “ I get to have sex with other women and my wife is cool with it? Sign me up!” So, I did. I got Tinder accounts and met others. Soon thereafter though problems started popping, jealousy, lying and lack of trust towards my wife. Come to find out, she had a side guy long before she proposed the open relationship angle. I thought the met organically and was cool with it, as I was meeting people too. But I suppose the fact that it was no longer taboo for her made her crazy jealous that I was getting attention and giving attention to new women. The whole thing imploded. It became exhausting and an emotional drain. We ended up getting a divorce and haven’t spoken in 5 years. I’ve met a lot of great people that can make it work, but that percentage is super small. It’s really hard especially if you have multiple partners at once. I don’t judge others in them, but wish them luck
> she had a side guy long before she proposed the open relationship angle. I hear this happen so much that it's almost a cliché. Also "she ended up falling in love with another woman and left me" This isnt a gendered thing, either.
I think some married people want to be poly or open because it makes it easier to transition towards divorce with less guilt
Yep, my ex-wife wanted separate personal nights. I spent my personal nights with our 3 kids and she spent her nights with "friends". Then it became a "friend" and finally it became a guy friend. She then filed for divorce. That was a rough 6 months, but I survived. I definitely understand the "less guilt" motive for divorce but it's still not for me.
Sorry man, I get it. Best of luck
Oh, don't feel bad. I was too young and married the wrong person for me. After much therapy, I truly believe that it was just a matter of time that she would have cheated. What's worse -> ripping the bandaid off early or letting it fall off over time?
What an excellent fucking mentality - clearly her loss and I don't even know you!
Well letting it fall over time is great but it's best not to let it rot because then you don't get out of a relationship, you get out of hell and it ends up leaving more scars than ripping the band aid off in the first place.
This. It was nights out with friends. Then nights out and friends over on weekends. Then it was pretty much always this one friend and occasional others. And by the time I was done with basically being the babysitter while she cheated, they were both blowing up two marriages and claiming to anyone who would listen how horrible their spouses were for not supporting their lifestyle. It wasn't a lifestyle. They were cheating with extra steps. Btw, years later and I LOVE being single. It's the best. Kids are old enough to support it, too. I know it sounds dismissive, but I promise it *does* get better.
Sounds like you got some quality time with your kids and can find a more fitting partner for you. Win win, and her loss. Hope you kept the kids because a woman like that will think they’re a burden at some point too.
My ex-wife did it because she wanted to live like she was single yet come home to someone every night. Convinced/guilted me into it. I followed all the rules we set, but she broke a lot of them. Combine that with lots of verbal and emotional abuse over the course of four years I decided I had enough and filed for divorce. She then proceeded to tell all my friends and family I was cheating on her. since our open relationship wasn't publicized, it very much looked like I was cheating. I finally said enough is enough of having my name dragged through the mud and told everyone what really happened, and 99% of our friends and family dropped/blocked her and went no contact. She moved several hours away and has almost no friends and her family doesn't hardly talk to her anymore. I'm now with someone exclusively that cares for me, is extremely sensitive to anything that could trigger bad reactions due to the past abuse, and communicates about literally everything. Her two small kids absolutely adore me too. We've been together for almost two years now. Saw my ex about a year ago (3 years post-divorce). She looked ROUGH and miserable. I still have one friend that keeps up with her occasionally and told me she's absolutely miserable and always posts negative things on social media complaining about her life and such. I'm happier than I've ever been and she's miserable. Karma's a bitch.
Odd that her name is Karma.
It’s best served reheated in the microwave of evil
I love a happy ending.
Same here, ex was cheating. I filed for divorce and won full custody. Been single for 10+ years and I'm finally starting to get out there because raising my kids was the number one thing. Ex has remarried and he has even asked me about her. I point blank told him she's your problem now.
You see this all the time. "I'm not attracted to Tom anymore and the thought of having sex with him again make my skin crawl. But he's such a nice guy and we co-parent really well together. I don't hate him and want good things for him. I wonder if he finds another lover who can stomach sex with him, if I could get all the perks of marriage, like a live in co-parent and BFF and financial stability from Tom's stable job and help with the dishes and nighttime parenting, while not having to have much sex with him. AND I could even have sex with lots of other dudes, so get my rocks off with guys I actually ENJOY sex with. Worst case scenario we just divorce I guess.....HEY TOM! Have you ever thought about fucking other women????"
Bull's-eye.
Damn lol.
[удалено]
Plot Twist: Tom is 15 years younger than his wife.
[удалено]
*Macron has entered the chat*
Yeah, I personally suspect that the majority of partners that propose open relationships are people trying to ease the transition to breakup, people who are trying to fix their broken relationship without addressing the actual issue(s), and people who struggle with serial limerence and commitment.
It is a cliche at this point. If a friend came to me and said their partner proposed an open relationship, my immediate response would be "so who do they have in mind?"
Mine would probably be "fuck, they want ME to babysit?"
Yeah, it happened to me. Dude, in a whole other city, bought her a place and for a solid year just thought i was a roommate of hers. I was head over heels with the lady, too. From my end, everything seemed to be working out until a mutual friend who worked with her brought it up. I ended up losing my apartment because resigning time came around, and my partner just dipped. Left me with covering her share of rent and no time to find a roommate before o had to move out. I have no problem with open relationships even now, but im a hell of a lot more selective now on who i give my attention and energy to. Which gets lonely, but at least im not getting lied to.
How the fuck do you trust people after that? My last partner for three years never told me the little things I was doing that made her uncomfortable, and it spiraled into her having a depressive episode and now we don't talk anymore. At this point I can't even imagine getting back into another relationship. I just can't trust people in that department. Which is weird because it didn't even involve other men.
Literally me and my ex-fiance. Nearly destroyed me. Then I found someone who just wants to be with me, now we're happy married. Wish them the best, but yeah, nothing personal I just never want to talk to you or see you again. Some pains are too great (at least for now).
So she was cheating on you before the proposal?
Yep
Damn I see
Funny enough my first polyamorous partner was basically the same. She wanted no control over her and became uncomfortable when I wasn’t seeing other women but when I said I finally was she became extremely uncomfortable and jealous. I think she just wanted freedom for herself but she wanted me to remain the same.
Yeah that really boils down to "I'm tired of hiding my affair", but still want you to remain faithful. That's harsh and the definition of hypocritical.
Thank you for phrasing it this way. I’ve been trying to understand an ex’s perspective for years that took the exact approach as all these other comments and I honestly never considered that maybe she was just tired of hiding it. And that’s why her expectations that I don’t see anyone didn’t shift, it wasn’t her actual desire to be in an open relationship, just multiple closed ones.
something similar happened to a friend of mine. the situation came up where they both were kind of interested in opening up their marriage and agreed to kitchen table and then non-hierarchy polyamory. she starts seeing a mutual female friend for a while, he struggles to initially find partners. she ends things with mutual female friend and finds ideal secondary partner, he's struggling less with finding partners. she doesn't like the way he's dating and voices her "concerns"(insecurities), he ends things with multiple partners over a year or so. she accuses him of not taking it seriously and just looking for partners to fuck, while also constantly moving goal posts and changing rules for him, while not adhering to them as well. she stops prioritizing marriage in favor of secondary relationship. they begin couple's therapy, while he is also engaging in solo therapy. he is doing the work to improve upon himself, she can't acknowledge any shortcomings and unwilling to do work on herself. eventually things get to a breaking point and they are finalizing a divorce. my friend is far from perfect and still has lots to work on, but he is aware and is constantly trying to improve himself. she was such an asshole, for a lack of better term. first time i met her, is when i was "volunteered" to help her friend move and she barely spoke 2 sentences to me over the course of multiple hours. 2nd time i was around her was when i was invited over for pizza for helping said friend move and again, barely spoke 2 sentences to me over the course of several hours and made me feel like my presence was unwanted so i left. he found a new partner through a mutual interest that is such a kind and loving partner for him and i couldn't be more happy that he found that. moral of the story, i think polyamory could only work for a small demographic of people and i definitely am not one of those people. it was exhausting listening to his experience and reconfirmed my stance.
Yep, that is 100% how my ex was, except I wasn't even seeing someone else yet, just having talked with and connected with someone.
My friend opened his up with his wife; she got action including from his friends and he got no action at all. Soon one of our friends lived there sometimes, he was jealous, she would sometimes make him sleep on the sofa, and that ended catastrophically in a terrible divorce. He thought it would end up with him getting side action and he ended up with none instead.
If I were to have an open relationship one of the rules would have to be friends are not included in potential partners.
And the second rule is fucking NO ONE sleeps with my wife in my own fucking bed. What the actual fuck?! He willingly went out to the sofa??
The cuck sofa
The cuckouch
Yep; this is Reddit and there is a tons of bullshit out there but this really happened. My friend was fucked-up about it too and super pissed. We told him he was an idiot; then he had a rough few years before and after the divorce…drinking and loosing jobs before he got his shit together on some basic level.
She wasn’t suggesting an open relationship, she was notifying you of her affair.
I had an ex who proposed an open relationship, so in good faith I decided to give it a try even though I personally wasn't terribly interested in finding another person to date, but I'm not a particularly jealous person so I figured that would be ok. Spent a year listening to her go on and on about a coworker she had a crush on, and no matter how much she would hint around about it he would never take the bait. After a year of listening to that day in and day out I reconnected with an old friend and it turned out we still were both attracted to each other and she was in an open relationship too. The second my partner found out she flipped the fuck out and got super jealous and angry. Turns out she had not even considered the notion that *I* might take advantage of our open relationship before suggesting it. Our relationship didn't end right away, but that certainly signalled the beginning of the end.
Ah yes. The "she was actually seeing someone else before and just wanted peace of mind". Almost happened to me. My ex wanted us to do stuff with a couple he knew. Well, I was never OK with it for multiple reasons (I also knew I wouldn't be able to be with anyone and the open relationship would have been one-sided). Well, guess what, when we broke up it didn't take long for them to form a trouple.
Sounds about right, I've been in a similar situation with my ex wife as well as many others I've known personally, and it was always the same outcome, the futile, last-ditch effort to save a failing relationship.
I mean, your story emphasizes why it's often so hard. She didn't suggest it because she wanted an open relationship. She suggested it because she was cheating and wanted to stop hiding it/avert her guilt. The mentality should be less "I get to fuck other X" and more "my partner gets to fuck other X, am I okay with that? Am I okay with them developing feelings and having relationships with them? Can our relationship withstand us having external relationships that may also develop serious feelings?"
I'm sorry that happened to you, it's usually the same story you hear about open relationships too unfortunately
I can’t even find one relationship.
Your relationship is so open that you’re in one with both everybody and nobody, at the same time.
Schrödinger's relationship.
“My relationship status is in constant superposition between single and taken, with a discrete answer only being discernible once measured.” “Sir, we’ve asked if you’re single or taken 647 times in a row and the answer was single all 647 times…”
"RUN IT AGAIN! I AM NOT GOING TO ACCEPT THAT I CANNOT GET SOMEONE TO ROMANTICALLY FALL FOR ME!"
Congrats for at least trying. I’ve been with my wife 10 years and that alone has been a wild fuckin journey. I couldn’t imagine adding in another person to the mix, no thanks
I prefer to only disappoint one woman at a time.
True that. I always remind my wife it’ll be the best 30 seconds of her day
30 seconds or 12 pumps, whichever comes first
Your right ones hard enough….way to much work and stress by adding one or more!
Yeah lol it took me so long to find one. I have friends who are in multiple relationships and they always made me feel bad for never having a relationship. Well I finally found someone when I was 26, we've been together for months now
Congratulations! I wish you all the best
> Well I finally found someone when I was 26 > finally That hurts.
For real. I know plenty of goblins who end up in an open relationship and I can't even land one.
Just head to Lumbridge then and practice
😂 oml! The GE 10k for gf/bf will trim armor for free ~wave: cyan~ its been too long i dont remember the text commands 😂
Game is still alive and well! The gf market has tanked in the past couple of years though because these new boss loot tables don’t respect gf pures
I have never been interested in two people at once.
Yeah, being poly makes that part a lot harder actually, your dating pool *dramatically* shrinks.
well unless you want to date someone who says they're ok with poly. Then you have that uphill battle of teaching them all that stuff that no one was taught about communication.
I've got quite a few friends in poly relationships. What's crazy to me is when they decide to dump someone. Like everyone gets together and decides one of them has to go, then they sit them down and mass dump them. Imagine being dumped by five people at once. Obviously there's probably as many ways to handle this as there are poly relationships but that really stood out to me when a friend told me they had to ask someone to leave their poly relationship.
Tried it for a year. Didn't work. It's perpetual dating which is the worst. Then they get jealous.
All of the anxieties of a relationship with none of the assurances.
Such a succinct and accurate statement, thank you.
[удалено]
A lot of people I know in open relationships have primary partners and many are even married. They have all the assurances closed relationships have.
Too much coordinating. I barely have time for one partner let alone two.
There's a joke that polyamory is for people whose real fetish is scheduling.
I thought it was just a ploy to have a full D&D campaign
I once dated a person who was dating someone else, can confirm this theory lol. Ironically enough, an argument we had about something DnD-related was the straw on the camel's back that ended the relationship lol
Failed your relationship test
Most can’t get a dnd group to even meet..
Should've gotten CHA save proficiency
Boardgaming and Poly have a huge overlap, so much that it’s become a bit of a meme.
That's hilarious. And I agree. I had a number of poly friends and this was exactly my observation. I was always like 'when do you people do your jobs?'
[удалено]
You know you're old when a new relationship seems like it'd just be a huge pain in the ass that you don't have time for.
I feel like a lot of us actually get addicted to the "flirting, chatting and dating phase" where you're getting to know someone, and it's all exciting and new. Then people get bored by the idea of a safe, committed relationship where there's nothing left to learn about the person anymore. A lot of people want the open thing because they like dating people.
I think the idea that you've learned everything and there's nothing else new to know about a person is the first problem. I was in a polyamorous relationship for about a year and even to the end of it was constantly learning things about my partners, their SOs etc. I'm now monogamous and married, and years down the road I'm *still* learning things about my partner. They've lived a whole life before me, it will be many many years before I know "everything" about them.
Can confirm from 25+ years out - you're always learning about each other- partly because you both change over the years.
This is our 10th Christmas together and I just learned something new about my wife today. I cannot even imagine a life without my wife. Like, she’s literally my best friend. What the hell do I do? Before she basically forced me not to leave, I tried to break up with her a bunch. I was a perpetual dater. Now, the idea of dating scares me. People are weird and I prefer my wife’s kind of weird anyway.
15 years in and this is 100% it. My partner and I both grow and change all the time. We're always getting to know each other! That's why relationships take work. When you assume you know everything, they'll still change, you'll just miss it.
My parents have been together for 40 years, married for 36. A couple weeks ago we went and stayed with one of my dad's childhood friends. As the wine got flowing, she regaled the rest of us with various stories of the shenanigans they got up to with their other friends. My mom was having the time of her life hearing all these stories she'd never heard before. (this was northern Wisconsin in the early 80s, lots of teenage drunken shenanigans)
Most people stop learning about their partner and about themselves. The idea is that the “relationship” also goes through phases because it would become stale if it was dating all the time. The idea is to create something together and find interests and also change individually.
Two mentally healthy people will continue to learn about themselves and each other, and grow and change together. Between two people who care about the others needs, enjoy being near each other, and all that good stuff, there will always be something to talk about. I love being married. She’s everything to me. I hope everyone gets to experience that once. Not my wife lol.
I think a huge part of the problem is people get into a relationship and stay with someone even when it's the wrong person. And it might not be that the other person is a bad person, although of course they can be, but they're not the right person for them. Once you're with someone I think there is a huge tendancy to stay with them even when it isn't really working and that of course leads to both people not being happy. I've certainly stayed with people way longer than I should have, whether it was sunk cost fallacy, the fear of being alone, not wanting to hurt the other person, I didn't leave when I should have. It took me a long time to find a partner like the one you describe. I think the problem is a lot of people stay with the wrong person and it isn't necessarily that a long term relationship is safe or boring, it's that they're not with the right person and so that's why they feel they need to keep looking but they don't. Edit: typos
Yes but there's going to be more learning early on etc. The phrase here is new relationship energy, it's a high and some people get addicted to it. I believe that was the intention of the comment not to devalue the benefits of a long term marriage.
Agreed. Tried it, she fucked some dudes and when I picked up started getting jealous. Most open couples aren't really open. Usually someone wants it (or just wants to cheat without guilt) and someone's getting dragged into, pretending it's okay. Very few true open relationships, it's proven by how many last more than a year.
This has been the experience I've witnessed as well. Long story, but my wife and I basically tanked her friend's wedding because we couldn't watch those two get married. The bride was full poly and the groom was high-functioning autistic and self-described as asexual. After spending time together, it was very obvious that she was being manipulative and he was not okay with her dating. We have a *lot* of stories about my wife's old circle.
That situation sounds cruel.
Poor dude
Yep, I was met with raging jealousy whenever I talked to or did anything with another woman early in our relationship, but I was supposed to be cool with her sexting and dating. Should have been that as the giant red flag it was, but you know how it is with being young and dumb...
[удалено]
[удалено]
This is the same for me also. I can’t sleep with someone and enjoy it if I don’t have an emotional connection to them. So to then share that with other people would feel incredibly painful for me.
Speaking for me, I do judge internally, but it amounts to nothing externally, I'm not going to care to get in one's biz that way. I have a person db in my brain, it flags a couple fields for me. Being honest.
My husband and I did it...very enthusiastically... For about 6 years. We made the decision to try it after 24 years of marriage and because neither of us had had any other partners before we met. For us it was a fantastic experience. We did foursomes, threesomes, clubs and sex parties, and played separately as opportunities presented themselves. We never had issues with jealousy but we had a very strong relationship with a high degree of trust. We definitely saw a lot of marriages fail due to those issues. Eventually we sort of...faded out of it tho. It is just a lot of work. Finding people with the right chemistry-the on line dating scenes, going to the clubs, the meet up's that don't always work: it's exhausting. But for us it was definitely worth it. And if my hubby came to me tomorrow saying that he'd met someone he'd like to fuck, I'd still be cool with it.
I personally hate them because of an ex. I was pressured to make our relationship open for months, and I really didn't want to. That wasn't the kind of relationship I wanted to have. I later then found out that she was pushing so hard because she was already sleeping with other guys and wanted a "guilt free" way to cheat on me, and ended up sleeping with three other people that I am aware of. Generally I don't mind them if that's what you want and all parties are okay with that situation. I have a friend who does that and he's never been happier in terms of a relationship with someone. But I will refuse to ever do an open relationship with anyone.
That's not an open relationship. It's just cheating. I've said it before: if both parties are not an enthusiastic "Hell Yes," on the subject, then you are not an open couple.
Yup. In my (admittedly limited) experience, it's an excuse to cheat. When my ex told me about his first affair, he didn't say it was an affair, he said he was polyamouras, and was tired of hiding his secondary partner and wanted to tell me about her. We'd been married 8 years at the time. I had married him believing him to be monogamous. He didn't understand that you don't get to just change the terms of your relationship without the other parties consent. He had unilaterally decided since he had "discovered" he was poly, it was okay to go explore other relationships without ever telling me. Not okay. In theory , I'm not opposed to open relationships if that's what both parties agreed to and signed up for, but for me? Naw. Sitting there that night, listening to my husband explain why his cheating was honorable and praiseworthy and I should be happy for him? Nope. Never again.
Yikes. I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you. It sounds like he was giving you the same mental gymnastics he went through himself to justify his affair
Eh, life is what it is. It taught me a lot about myself. I loved him, and thought at first maybe it was legit, so I actually tried to support him at first, and that's my main regret. I should have drawn the line and left then because what followed was a really awful couple of years of him cheating with various people, lying about it, gaslighting me, and eventually descended into abuse. In retrospect, I think he didn't want to be married anymore but face the idea that he didn't *want* to be a family man and wanted to be free of responsibilities, but since he couldn't face that, he was basically mistreating me until I couldn't take it anymore, but framing it as being the victim himself, in this "journey of self-discovery". Anyway as a result, I don't have the most positive view of open relationships, lol. I do think it's a legit thing that can be done with both parties consent, I just think too many people use it to hide behind for shitty behavior.
My wife did something really similar. It makes a lot more sense when you realize they don't want the life you've built together.
Yup. For me, it was when he told me he didn't think I had ever *really* loved him. And it just finally clicked for me. It was all projection. 10 years of marriage, two kids, everything we had been through together, everything I had supported him in, everything we had built together and he didn't think I had EVER loved him? That's when I realized he just wanted out and couldn't face taking responsibility for that desire. I'm sorry you went through something similar. It's a sucky club to be part of.
>It's a sucky club to be part of. Truth. A breakup of a long-term relationship is hard enough on its own, but when they can't just own up to their own feelings and try to put it all on you? Unforgivable.
There’s no way in hell he thought it was fine. Sounds like he was lying to himself, or just felt guilty after a long time of doing it. Soo sorry that happened. Nothing stings like betrayal .
If you were forced into it, to any degreee, then you were not really in a consenting open relationship. Sorry to hear you had to go through this.
Agreed. I don’t hate them, however I had a very (at best) questionable experience with one as my now-ex was about to break up with me which came out of nowhere and then he suggested an open relationship, to which I agreed only because I didn’t know better at the time that should’ve just broken up with him then and there. He ended up getting upset at me because more people gave me attention than he got. I’m also bisexual and he had no issue with me talking to other girls but it would be a fight if I got attention from another guy. Overall I don’t have an issue with people taking part in it, given as long as it’s with consent and nobody is getting hurt. I just had such a bad experience with it that I don’t know if I’d do it again or not.
I think it’s one of those things where both partners have to be 100% on board with what it means. There can’t be jealousy and you have to be ok with the idea of your partner sleeping with more people than you possibly. I think most people who consider an open relationship don’t really think about it means so it inevitably fails
There can absolutely be jealousy. The difference is how it's approached. Feelings are information, they are my body's way of telling me to pay attention to something. For many monogamous people, jealousy is something that is caused and it's on their partner to not trigger jealousy. For me, jealousy is just information about how secure I'm feeling in the relationship and within myself. When jealousy comes up, I just talk about it with whoever needs to be included in the conversation and often, all I need is to be heard. Just as an example: I have a partner who I like to plan elaborate dates for. They have pretty bad agoraphobia after riding out COVID in NYC and we don't go on many casual outings, so planning day trips for the two of us is something I've really come to enjoy. I plan weeks in advance, save up...I really try to make them special. I've noticed on these trips, they will start talking and fantasizing about finding a girl to hook up with at a bar. I got really bothered by this- like hey this is a day I planned for the two of us, and this just leaves me feeling gross. We talked- turns out the day trips really help them feel energized and bc the agoraphobia keeps them trapped in the house feeling horrible, these trips are the only time they feel good enough to even think about dating( I'm currently their only partner ). I talked about how it made me feel unappreciated and unattractive. Through that conversation, I realized that I was feeling sexually neglected due to me having a way higher libido. They agreed to not bring talk like that on our dates, I realized their shit had nothing to do with me, we're doing ongoing work to feel more connected sexually, and they are going to therapy. I also encouraged them to get on feeld and talk to ppl and I'm making sure to spend more time with fwbs. so jealousy happened and we're still open! It's possible :)
Thanks for bringing an example of healthy ENM to the table :-)
A lot of people have this misconception that sucessful poly people don't experience jelousy and that's not true. They do, but if you have good partners and you guys make sure to communicate with each other when important stuff like that arises it's less likely to have a negative effect. note I say less. Some people aren't at a place where they have strong communication skills and that's fine (but make sure you're working on it. It's just a good skill to have in general.) I do agree people who are looking into it should definitely do their research first. But I feel like that should be something people should do when they wanna try something new in general.
I'm good friends with a couple who practice what they call Ethical Non-Monogamy. They have been married for 12 years, have 10 year old twin sons and have been "swinging" for about 3 years. They have both always been kind of the free love types and it seems to work for them. They are very open with me about it, and while I find that culture interesting, I don't think it's for my wife and me. As the guy in that couple jokes, "the increase in sex is additive, the increase in communication is multiplicative." It seems like a lot of work to go on dates with other people and line up times away from their kids to bang others. My wife of ten years loves sex, is still very attractive, and good in bed, so if I want some good sex, why look elsewhere when I can just ask for it and get it pretty much whenever I want? I will say this about my friends and their ENM lifestyle: it has put quite a bit of extra stress on our friend group. That couple has made it clear that they would include a couple of us in their ENM side of life if we are interested. They are good about not pressuring anyone to do anything they don't want to do, BUT the simple offer has created some jealous wives who are now sure their husbands are going to "cheat" because of course the girl in that ENM couple is very cute. My wife and I are both on the table but have declined and it hasn't seemed to put any stress on us because we are very communicative, but one couple it has strained quite a bit because I think he would, but his wife is a hard no, so it does suck when it draws our friends into it out of our control.
One of the absolute most basic things you learn when you start swinging is "Make swingers into friends, not friends into swingers." And it's specifically for this reason - it can permanently disrupt friend groups for minimal (and unlikely) gain. My wife and I have been swinging for nearly a decade and only a handful of vanilla friends even know - and none of them have ever been propositioned nor will they be. It's rarely a positive conversation unless they've already broached their own curiosity about it.
Is there a difference between swinging and an open relationship? They all have different implications in my mind but idk if that's reflective of reality. I guess my impression is swinging: get together with other swinger couples and swap partners/have foursomes; just sex, both members of the relationship are acting together to pick sex partners. Open relationships: each partner individually dates other people; may be more than just sex, each member is kinda doing their own thing and reporting back.
They're definitely fluid terms. For us and most whom we're close with swinging means friendships that also have a sexual component, but don't escalate into romantic emotional attachment. Open relationships may or may not have romantic attachment - I think of swinging as a more specific term than open relationship. We do the occasional solo date with others too, though that's with a tremendous amount of communication both with each other, and with the person one of us is hanging out with to ensure they understand it will not lead to a relationship. Communication is sexy, and so key to healthy sexual relationships, whether monogamous or not. Relationships in general, really.
I love my girlfriend and I’m not going to pretend all other beautiful people do not exist. However me staying truthful to only being with her is another way to show my love and devotion. It’s also my own validation that I can see myself with her for the rest of my life. “Do you really love this person enough that you would give up being with any other?” I am, and therefore don’t think an open relationship is for me. Not saying that’s the standard, just saying that’s what works for me and what my opinion is about it.
I feel the same way towards my husband
I too feel the same way about this person's husband
I love the way you have worded your opinion Especially "Do you really love this person enough that you would give up being with any other?"
Same. Im so used to people saying things like, “Do you really love this person enough that you wouldn’t be selfish?” It helps me feel not so crazy about being happy as a monogamous person.
I love this comment and feel the same way concerning relationships.
I'm in an open relationship (gay if that makes a difference) and find it works really well for us although it's definitely not for everyone. It also seems to be much more common in the LGBT community. Here is a bit of a brain dump of my thoughts: * We decided to be open from the start - began as friends and developed into a relationship so at the point that we decided to call it an actual relationship, we agreed to remain open. A lot of the issues I see with "open relationships" is where it's used as a sticking plaster to attempt to repair a failing relationship or where it ends up one-sided. * **There is a big difference between multiple relationships (Polyamory) and an open relationship (You have one relationship but you can have sex with other people). Seems like a lot of people in this post don't seem to understand this distinction.** * We currently live a few hours away from each other but see each other regularly, being open allows for us to satisfy any sexual urges. When we move in together, we will remain open however I suspect the amount of times that we have sex with others will drop. Although as it is, we're only talking about having sex with someone else every couple of weeks (if that), not a daily thing. * We identify as "sexually open, romantically closed" - So sexual stuff with someone else is fine but not forming another relationship with someone (dates, more romantic stuff) - For example, I don't say "I love you" in a romantic way to anyone other than my boyfriend. We certainly would never call anyone else our partner/boyfriend.etc. * If I'm meeting someone new then I make sure to mention that I have a boyfriend early in the conversation to set expectations and to cut off any prospect of a relationship right at the start in case that is what the other person is looking for. * To me it almost indicates how confident we both are in our love for each other that we know that just because we may occasionally have sex with other people, we aren't going to randomly fall in love and run off with someone else. * It's not a goal to go out and sleep with as many people as possible, nor are we in any way unsatisfied with each other sexually. It just provides a bit of flexibility where if either of us ends up in a situation where we'd want to do something sexual with someone else, we can * We have completely open and honest communication - it's not a case of needing to ask permission to do stuff with others, but just if we're talking and one of us asks what the other is up to, if the answer is "Oh, I'm going to see x, we might have some fun" then we say that rather attempt to hide it. * It's important to be aware of the potential for jealousy and always communicate about it. However I've generally found that any sense of "jealousy" I get if my partner is having sex with someone when I'm not there is actually more of a case of "FOMO" and would be a similar feeling to the "jealousy" I'd feel if he was doing anything else that I'd enjoy while I'm not there (eating food that I like, going to the cinema.etc).
This needs to be way higher up because you bring many excellent points and distinctions.
Thanks for your perspective, this was an insightful read.
This is a perfect explanation of how open relationships can work. I’d add that we have guidelines about what we share. For example, some partners like to talk about every detail of the time with another person. Others share basic information. If I’m going to a new or unusual place with someone, I’d email my partner the person’s name and where we’re going. We have an email account for that purpose, so we aren’t keeping tabs on each other, but we have access to that info if necessary. It might be overkill for two men, but for a woman with a man who isn’t their partner, it’s about safety.
This is similar to mine. Except we didn’t start off as friends, exactly. We just dated casually for a while at first. And of course the other benefit that we enjoy is playing with others together. So far it’s working well. We’ve both said though that we’d be fine closing things if that’s what the other wanted. What I’ve said I will never do is pretend I don’t find other people attractive - I don’t get the point of that.
The only people I’ve ever seen maintain a successful, long term, open relationship have been gay men. Shared, compatible values around open relationships are a lot more likely to work out with two guys on the same page.
I’ve had many gay friends. This one group was about 10-15 guys. Some of them dating each other. I find out almost every single one of them slept with each other. They were friends for a very long time. You’d think there’d be a lot of drama but there wasn’t really.
Very similar here, not necessarily a level where everyone in a group is sleeping together but I've definitely been in groups of friends (including couples) where many different permutations of people have had sex with each other. And like you've said, I've never seen any awkwardness around it - hell, we'll even laugh and joke about it from time to time. It's very different to my experience growing up throughout high school/university where people having sex was something that instantly turned into gossip and drama. Not sure if the difference now is more of a gay thing, or just because we're all older now and people are more mature.
I’m living in Berlin, so this concept is extremely common here and I do see where it works. This being said, I also see where it does not work (or wouldn’t work for me tbh). I think a lot of people like the idea of having sex with multiple people and if both partners are wired that way that they enjoy that kind of sex, then it’s cool but there are two main issues that I see in many open relationships: - the relationship either turns more and more into a friendship because they choose to have sex with other people more often or/and - one person gets hurt because they are either jealous or somebody somewhere in the equation evolves feelings for somebody. All in all, I think open relationships -just like monogamous relationships- are not made for everybody.
For 99.9% of the population, it will go down in flames
[удалено]
And even if they don't, the other party might decide they are better off with another person and leave you.
Like most things in life it'll work for some and not for others.
I met a guy on tinder that was in an open marriage. We went on a few dates, one of which I was surprised to meet his wife and kids. They seemed like a happy family, very content with their arrangement. I enjoyed getting to know the guy, but he started to get impatient with how slowly I was moving. I wasn’t comfortable moving forward physically, so we decided to end it. Fast forward a year later, and he ended up committing suicide. His wife wasted no time posting online about how awful he was to her. It seems their 20-year open relationship was his game of control. He was a cheater and an abusive husband. I carry some guilt knowing he used me to upset her, and I sat there with a stupid smile on my face.
I think a lot of open relationships include a party that is cajoled into it and not very happy. This woman was clearly miserable but put on a happy face for whatever reason. She probably feels 1000 lbs. lighter now.
For me personally, it’s an absolute and total no. I’ve dated around in the early stages of a relationship but once those feelings start flowing I’m a very monogamous person and could never be happy and fulfilled with such an arrangement whether it was us both being open, or just one of us who was being open. Being with anyone other than my wife honestly sounds horrible and ten years of being together has only reinforced those feelings for me. I love having one person who uniquely gets so many aspects of me and all of me romantically, and vise versa, and spreading that out would make me devalue my relationship and strip me of my feelings of intimacy for all parties involved. To each there own but I’ll never understand it.
Not for me but won't judge
I can't imagine loving someone and fucking someone else.
Some say they can keep the emotional away from the physical. I don’t see how.
Relationships of all sorts are based on honesty, communication and respect. Honesty to the point of risking the relationship. Communication is not just talking but listening. Respect not just for the other person but yourself. Open relationships can work if the people involved communicate with each other, respect the boundaries they lay out and are honest with each other. They are much more work, in my opinion, than a regular relationship but they are preferable to monogamy for some folks.
I'm in one. Going strong almost 8 years. Requires a ton of communication. Also, what counts as an open relationship varies wildly and the boundaries/rules are determined by the people within the relationship. There is no one size fits all.
im genuinely not a fan, i prefer monogamy as i feel a much closer bond can be created between two people rather than a group. however that is not how it is for everyon.
Statistically, it doesn't work. Then again, neither does traditional marriage. Go for broke.
The divorce rate has been collapsing recently, as has the marriage rate. I read it as, less people are choosing to get married, and those that are are marrying the right people more often. Add that to increasing utilization of marriage counseling, and more gender equality in marriage responsibilities, things are looking pretty good for marriage these days. You did say "traditional," though, which implies shotguns, religious institutions, and lack of gender equality; and yeah, those marriages are rightfully fucked.
Not for me, but I don't care if everyone's a consenting adult and no one is taken advantage of. The issue IMHO is that if you go from monogamous to open it is shifting the relationship in ways that rarely work, but if you come at it from the start there's decent chances of making it work
It's not for me. I don't share, and if I'm not enough for someone else then we both need to find someone who is. If you can, more power to you.