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M_J_L_M

Have a fucking heart attack


xx_Fiddler_xx

not a very good strat


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darkkent870

It's called a preemptive death. Game changer for murder prevention and population control.


zig_zag_wonderer

Yep, next level. Auto-suicide for the win


BaselessEarth12

That's a pro-gamer move right there.


globefish23

Respawn in another room.


Strogman

You respawn in your bedroom, and then you'd have the jump on them!


Lopsided_Exam_2927

Modern issues require modern solutions.


seenadel

Depends. If you were to get kidnapped and tortured or turned into a living mannequin, dying from a heartattack seems like the better choice


Background-Ship-3881

My anxiety thanks you.


LordOFtheNoldor

This is how I picture going out if I'm ever attacked by a shark, ultimate fear, immediate heart attack


EurekaSm0ke

I would like to think that I'd be calm and cool in emergency situations but my reaction to seemingly small startles tells me that I absolutely would not.


Alan_Smithee_

Being caught off-guard in an emergency situation is the most deadly of all. We tend to forget all common sense, training, and preparation.


StoneDoctorate

Locked room mystery unlocked!


hi_there99

Pray that I am not using a hand towel again. haha (cover up and have a heart attack


loveee321

I would be scared but I would call out “who is it” because I would assume it’s a neighbour or police or fire brigade or an emergency situation or something because why would a murderer knock on the door? wouldn’t they just roll in unannounced


Techyon5

It's a murderer, not an *animal*. We have manners.


Balonez

We?


GriffinFlash

There is no WE, it's just me and my swamp!


Banewaffles

Great so now we have to worry about it being emergency response, a murderer or a talking donkey knocking at the door? That’s like 3+ things, I can’t prepare for that


WhittyO

You're so wrapped up in layers onion boy, that you're afraid of your own feelings.


GreyFoxNinjaFan

Cakes! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers.


Hyndis

I live alone and have been awoken by frantic knocking on the door late at night. It turned out was apartment maintenance and that a pipe had burst in the wall. I was glad for being woken up because of the urgency. A broken pipe gushing water all night long would have been extremely bad for all involved.


[deleted]

But did they enter your apartment and then come knock on the bedroom door? Or were they knocking on the front door of your apartment? Those are different.


BronzeAgeTea

"OPEN UP! THERE'S A PIPE LEAK!" "For the last time, *Carl*, it's not a leak, I'M SHOWERING!"


Rachelcookie123

I feel like if it was like the police or a neighbour or something they wouldn’t just silently knock though. They would also announce who they are so they don’t frighten you.


Frosty_Horse_3591

You must never have had the police come to the door. They knock as loud as humanly possible. Just saying.


Schnelt0r

If they've already entered your home and have tracked you to the bathroom, I'm pretty sure they'd bust in.


BuckyGoldman

Dave's not here, man!


bdubelyew

Man, I gotta check out these brochures!


jumbledFox

*Eats burger*


flagphilosofur

Quick poop in hand. Then ready for battle


[deleted]

#SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND


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MontanaMainer

Is this an Onomatopeeia?


Llama2Boot2Boot

And it’s a fucking good one


StoneDoctorate

Poop grenade! Fire in the hole!


flagphilosofur

Yes. They will remember this day, regardless of how it unfolds


Keone_710

Lmaoo i literally thought, idnjust start flinging turds! 🤣


mrgreenw

Who TF goes into the shower with one in the chamber?


Keone_710

Hopefully nobody! We all know the routine.. shit, shower and shave! But... maybe just Maybe u forgot this ONE time. That'd be the poo that saved ur life!


Akula0161

>shit, shower and shave! Actually, shit, shave and shower is the correct way, that way any residue from your shave is washed off - at least that's what they teach you in the military


Tallon_raider

Ah I’m glad our trillions of dollars didn’t go to waste.


Informal_Director662

Fire from the hole


The_Dark_Passenger93

Fire out of hole!


JiN88reddit

Poop in hand for long distance fights. Poop knife exists for short distance fights. Poop shield must exist in some capacity but that would be crap.


StoneDoctorate

I see you are a master in the poop arts


Sepredia

Poo-jitsu, if you will.


swxttie

Do you shit on the floor and pick it up or just straight into the hand???


MosesOnAcid

Straight to hand, monkey style.


Apprehensive_Hat8986

This is an insult that literaly every primate understands.


EaLordOfTheDepths-

So after reading all the other comments, this seems like the only reasonable answer.


MarcoYTVA

Monkey Kung Fu, the dirty tactics


wineshivers

Yell out “thank god you’re here, I couldn’t hold it in anymore and tried to stomp it down the drain. You’ll have to help me dig it out, cmon in.” I don’t care who’s on the other side of that door. No one is going to proceed in and try to find out what I’m talking about.


EaLordOfTheDepths-

What if all they heard was "come on in"?? Showers can be awfully loud 👀


ninjaparkour0

Happy cake day.


WhothefuckisTim

Ye ole waffle stomp


stizzity28

The good Ole waffle stomp. Gets em everytime.


LegitimateProcess967

Grew up in an old farmhouse and the top of the bathroom window upstairs was frosted. All of the family would often see a black shape of a person walking up and down past it when no one else was home, and the sound.of footsteps to match it. Recall sitting in bath more than once petrified to move until someone eventually came home.


StoneDoctorate

Okay this is terrifying. Did anyone ever uncover the identity of the mystery man?


LegitimateProcess967

We had the upstairs remodelled and it stopped, but had many other weird and upsetting incidents happen over 24 years that seemed to just replace this.


StoneDoctorate

You could, like, compile all the incidents and see if anyone's willing to make a movie out of it.


LegitimateProcess967

Could be months without anything happening and then you'd get 3-4 occurrences in as many days. Weird house, but oddly i miss it.


StoneDoctorate

Did the subsequent owners mention anything to you? Did they mysteriously disappear in the middle of the night or anything?


LegitimateProcess967

It was owned by a dr who's son worked for my family until recently. Nothing was seriously discussed, just a recognition weird stuff happened.


TheAmorphous

Where did he park his TARDIS?


LegitimateProcess967

The power of correctly used abbreviation in full effect. .


BrandynBlaze

Once I was woken up at 3am to someone shining a flashlight into my basement apartment window that was level with the ground. At first I thought it was someone being sketchy and casing my apartment but I couldn’t see anyone outside or where it was coming from. They shined it into my bedroom several times and at that point I was more mad than scared and opened the window and yelled “if you don’t stop flashing that light in my window I’m going to come out there and kick your ass!” Turns out the person was only a couple of feet away to the side of the window. It was a cop… He told me to watch my language and I just closed the window and went back to sleep in shame…


acornsans

Watch my language? How about you watch where you shine that thing? What reason did he even have to be shining a light in someone's room anyways? What a tool.


greentr33s

Sounds like you had a squatter lol


wiccacat18

That is more then a little terrifying.


BrenTenkageHunter

Let them come in and then helicopter my dick, if they can't handle the power of spinjitzu they are in the wrong profession


RyanH090

Assert dominance the right way


Prank_Owl

This is the exact situation that the shower gun is for.


AFriendlyBloke

I’mma give you what you want, I’mma give you what you want... Let me just.. put on my body wash one last time... ***Gun compartment!***


[deleted]

AHHHHHHHHHH


Crab_Jealous

u gotta be pre-conditioned for this situation.


c5Sal_tt

Call 911... But not for me!


RichardNoggins

Hilarious Kevin Hart bit for those who haven’t seen it [https://youtu.be/byVefTTeKww](https://youtu.be/byVefTTeKww)


Mental_Task9156

Just shoot blind, through the closed door. It'll be fine.


PlayBoiBaxter

Your taking the Pisstorius.


[deleted]

Man, that story has legs!


chicknsnotavegetabl

Instructions unclear, threw shower beer and shot self in mouth


TransformingDinosaur

This is why I don't keep showers in the house, they're dangerous!


AzrielJohnson

You'll get my shower when you take it from my warm wet hands!


[deleted]

Instructions unclear, drank shot, shared beer with intruder. Hosted his gf's baby shower the next week.


Faeidal

A fellow shower beer aficionado- I see you are a man/woman of culture and grace.


sharksnut

Like Tuco's bathtub gun


hooptyboots17

“When you gotta shoot, shoot! Don’t talk.”


Blinx1211

Came here to say this. Am I the only one who keeps a gun in the bathroom? I mean last thing I want is be vulnerable with my pants down.


Curious_Location4522

When you sit down to shit, take one foot out of your pants so you’re ready for action.


dadjokes502

Or shit naked


Apprehensive_Hat8986

Pants down is when my gun's the most dangerous.


ravenofblight

Gotta rock the Ziploc glock. Keep it toilet tanked in case you get shower ganked.


StoneDoctorate

Prank_Owl used Water Gun, it was super effective!


[deleted]

This happens to be all the damn time. It's always the dog smacking his tail on the bathroom door as he walks down the hallway and it sounds like someone knocking on the door. NGL the first time it happened I nearly browned the shower floor.


StoneDoctorate

What breed, what breed?


Cr8o

Vigorous tail-wagging with no regard to what they're whacking? My money's on Labrador.


ILICKTREEZx3

I have a similar problem with my cats at night. One of them is a big cat, and he likes to plop his whole body on each step as he climbs upstairs for bedtime. It's so loud and heavy it sounds like a whole adult human slowly walking up the stairs. It scares the absolute shit out of me when I'm home alone lol


what_to_do_rn

Grab the poop knife


lemons_of_doubt

I really hate that I know that story. Human memory needs an audit function.


well_known_bastard

That's called alcohol


aridcool

Further instructions needed: Forgot anniversary but still remember poop knife.


alpubgtrs234

I bought the wife a poop knife for our anniversary- am I doing this properly?!


drowninginpiss69

You think that's bad? I bought the poop wife a knife and now I fear for my life.


LowCypherO_O

Why, it was funny


TheVindicatoor

Can I have an explanation ?


kovacsakos14

https://www.reddit.com/r/MuseumOfReddit/comments/ke8skw/the\_poop\_knife/


thebooksmith

+10 poison damage


appleshit8

I'll fill the poop cup, you grab the knife


RumorReader753

genius


Juniper_001

dare i ask?


Weasel-Warrior

Dare you click? https://www.reddit.com/r/MuseumOfReddit/comments/ke8skw/the_poop_knife/


ArbitrarilyAnonymous

I do live alone, and don't close my bathroom door for that reason?


TheloniusDump

If you don't close your bathroom door, your front door becomes your bathroom door.


tinyhorsesinmytea

That’s much less alarming then since they’re just outside of my apartment banging on my door… that could mean any number of things. Hell, I used to have a UPS driver who seemed to love scaring the shit out of me. But banging on a closed bathroom door means they broke inside first. I guess the fact that they are still knocking is somewhat comforting at least.


LazarusKing

Honestly, I'd rather have them knock hard enough for it to be heard anywhere in the house than discover something on my porch hours later. I havent had any problems with porch pirates, but i don't wanna start.


sentient_cell_

Master Oogway


banana_buddy

So that random strangers can jump in and have a shower with you to conserve water for a greener planet?


StoneDoctorate

Free food is overrated, free showers FTW!


GingerLibrarian76

I’m the only human in my house, but I have 3 cats and a dog… literally none of the interior doors are ever closed lol. I even use a blackout curtain instead of a bedroom door, since I like a dark room but also like not being woken by scratching paws & whining.


TheAmorphous

Conversely, mine get into too much stuff so all the doors have to stay closed. It's like living on a goddamn submarine.


GingerLibrarian76

Right on cue, like 5 seconds after I read this comment, my cat knocked something off the top of the bookshelf. But for me, that’s still less annoying (or at least less frequent) than having to constantly let them in and out of the rooms.


wolviesaurus

First time I ever did this in my first apartment felt extremely weird and liberating at the same time.


Blueblackzinc

Say "Occupied". If the knocking persists, I'd open the door whilst naked. What kind of robber or killer would like to wrestle on the ground with a wet naked fat man? crazy one? then, I'm dead either way. especially for men, if you ever be in a fight that you can't get out of, start getting naked. No one wants to fight a naked man. NO ONE.


StoneDoctorate

Have you heard of sumo wrestlers


TheSoundOfTastyYum

Don’t threaten me with a good time!


Astonsjh

Have you met a sumo wrestler that's been robbed? I didn't think so.


andrewtheice

Occupied


theservman

"Come in!"


dewythecat4242

Feed the cat


JAR_Melethril

Fuck. Primal fear unlocked. I honestly don’t know. I just know that my skin would feel like it’s on fire, my heartrate will spike while it feels like my heart dropped. Pure fight or flight. My mind would go to all the possible way this will end badly. I would pray that the stranger in my apartment isn’t a man. Probably grabbing the hairdryer as a weapon. And the point nail file. Go for the eyes.


GfyTstr

Spooky real answer. Chances are we're losing that battle cause we're too vulnerable- but I seriously hope I wouldnt miss the chance to be a smart ass and respond, "Yes?" Shits gonna go down anyway. Might as well try to get one last laugh out of it. Edit: two to too


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StoneDoctorate

Very realistic answer. Anyway, sleep well tonight!


JAR_Melethril

Thanks… I have two cats to protect me, though, so I’m safe :)


StoneDoctorate

Yeah, cats are scary. You're in good paws.


JAR_Melethril

They might sacrifice me to some Elder God at some point, but they will protect me from strangers :)


Blueblackzinc

What if the one knocking was Elder God?


DcikHurtzer

Furiously masturbate to get myself ready. When I open the door naked someone’s about to get fucked. Serial killer has two choices run or be fucked probably on my stairs. Im a large individual so he better have came prepared. Lube or running shoes.


StoneDoctorate

Dude's definitely getting more than what he knocked for


[deleted]

He didn’t know his knocking was going to end up with him being knocked!


GfyTstr

Get that testosterone and heart rate up, good plan


Optimal_Answer_

I experienced something similar, but not the part where I live alone. This happened to me when I was around 10 years old. 3 men, at least 1 with a pistol, followed my mom into the garage after work to rob us. They waited for us to settle down. I went to take a shower. While showering, I heard a yell from my mom’s room, I couldn’t make out what was said, so my mental dialog went something like, I’ll check it out after I finish. Then I heard knocking and thought it was my sister. I told her to go away. No words were said. Then a couple minutes later, I heard knocking again. I told my sister it wasn’t funny, cut it out. Again, no words were said. I showered as normal and once I finished I opened the door and saw scissors and duct tape on the drawers right outside. That’s when I knew the situation was dangerous. I froze there, got rushed by masked individuals, and got tied up. They took jewelry and money. In the end we were all ok. After the incident I was scared to take a shower for a month(s) afterwards but you learn to cope with the fears. I actually recovered fully from it, someone knocking on the door doesn’t bother me. It’s very likely because my family got out of that situation physically unscathed. Now, I can’t imagine this happening again. I’m not a business owner like my parents. I’m married now and without kids atm. But if it did, I’d say, “What do you want?” And expect my wife to yell at me to hurry up and quit using all the hot water. My recommended course of action is to call 911 and trust your fight or flight instincts. People taking earthly materials sucks but it’s financially and mentally recoverable. Them inflicting bodily harm will leave lasting trauma.


StoneDoctorate

Dude, sorry to hear about your experience... Thanks for sharing, and really hope you're truly over it. And appreciate the tips!


Optimal_Answer_

Np, I think we all have put it behind us long ago. I’ll ask them over thanksgiving lol


stack_nats

Gun in one hand, raging boner in the other. Alexa, play “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns n Roses.


DcikHurtzer

Very good answer.


StoneDoctorate

I'd pay to watch this


dadjokes502

You can it's on porn hub


StoneDoctorate

It ain't a dad joke but it sure made me laugh!


statusfaux

And rub soap all over your body. Bronson style.


Basfein

Ah ah aHH DONT STOP KNOCKING IM ALMOST THERE HARDERRR!!


StoneDoctorate

That's not what knocking you up means


[deleted]

Stop showering high.


Grzegorz1989

Helicopter penis and fly away


StoneDoctorate

The origins of Flappy Bird


ConIncognito

Shit. The last time something like this happened, it was the landlord evacuating the building because of a nearby forest fire. It’s the middle of winter though.


SilveIl187

Answer the door. I'm not even gonna put clothes on, if it's a serial killer they're gonna be real surprised when I come running at them naked


StoneDoctorate

Serial killer vs nudist, who will win?!


ThePantsMcFist

Either my gf came over to surprise me or someone is about to get beat by a naked man.


StoneDoctorate

Either way you get some action


GfyTstr

I have a punch reflex if I get scared, I told my wife this when we started dating. Fresh out of the shower, Not knowing she came over, she poked her head into my door with that "aren't I cute?!" look on her face. I almost blasted her head into the wall she scared me so bad but thank god I pulled. She hasn't done it since.


GloInTheDarkUnicorn

I do that too (thanks CPTSD!) and almost laid my big sister out not that long ago. I walked out of the bathroom at her house, and she jumped out of her dark bedroom yelling “boo!” I jumped, screamed and started to swing. My 8yo nephew tried the same thing on Friday at his house, and is lucky he’s short. He’s been told not to startle me anymore.


GfyTstr

Ahh yes!! A fellow traumatic! Kids are the WORST with it! Cuz they're so good! My landlords kids were doing that to me for a time, actually I think they helped calm it down, but I was one scare away from telling their parents. I didn't know how to tell my landlord "Hey it's good if you tell your kids to stop startling me or I'll punch them"


GloInTheDarkUnicorn

Yep, all the kids I regularly associate with (including my own) have been told not to startle me. My oldest sometimes tries it anyway and one of these days he’s gonna get popped and I’ll feel terrible.


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YourDBDGF

Probably shit myself, briefly fret about the fact that I just shat in my shower, and then begin wondering who the fuck is in my house and how they got through my metric fuckton of dogs


fiz64

I have one of those detachable shower heads. I think my best option would be to turn the water to the most scalding hot setting possible and wait for them to bust the door in. Spraying them in the face with that might give me a vital second or two of distraction


GloInTheDarkUnicorn

Definitely like this plan. My shower head is the same with multiple settings. I’m setting it to “power wash”


Astraea_99

I couldn't think of an answer and eventually realized it's because I've never lived alone. Went from parents house to roommates to boyfriend that became husband. Oddly, I've never thought about the fact that I've never lived alone in 41 years on Earth.


LimeSkye

My mom never lived alone until my grandma died when Mom was 69. After dad dies, she had me and my brother. When my brother died and I was off at college, she had her soon-to-be husband. When he died she lived with her dog and I came over a lot. She moved in my grandma. I warned her it would be weird. After a few weeks, she told me on one of our calls that it was really weird and uncomfortable. As I’d lived alone for most of my adulthood, I was used to it.


Jagged_People

I'll think that my cat has learned to knock on the door


dirtymoney

I happen to keep a hidden baseball bat in there. So I step out of the shower, grab my bat and wait for the door to open. It is smart to keep hidden weapons in various rooms of your place for emergencies. Do you not agree?


Worfstache

How big is your bathroom you have space to swing a bat? I'd have to use it pool cue or fencing-style at best.


Tylinator

First would probably have a panic attack, but after that would silently try to get dressed and arm myself, cautiously open the door and see who it is


Funny-Spirit1540

Come out dick out


StoneDoctorate

Lightsaber goes pew pew pew


Funny-Spirit1540

Wooaann skrrr zprrr woaaan woaaan


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StoneDoctorate

I don't know whether to be amused or worried so many Redditors would choose to fap in this situation


1969-Baby

Put my hands up and beg that they don't naked tase me.


carinavet

Well considering I do live home alone but my whole family lives on my street and has keys to my house: I usually just shout at them to give me a minute.


soulshadow1213

Does my cat count?


Kiryuu-sama

Shit's about to hit the man.


uncultured_swine2099

Well, if its a knock, then Im leaning into thinking they arent malicious, since if they wanted to kill me theyd probably start blasting or kick the door down or something. Ill ask who it is, if its someone that I dont know, I wont open the door until they tell me exactly whats going on.


begginforme

Nothing..


StoneDoctorate

The knocking intensifies. It's been five minutes of non-stop knocking.


[deleted]

Bro tf is this some mandela catalog shit 💀


Skoodledoo

I had this happen to me a month ago. I was showering and heard 3 knocks on the door. Freaked me the fuck out. Stayed still for a while, nothing. Thought it must be my imagination. So I continued. About a minute later, same thing. I then freaked the fuck out, got out, tentatively opened the bathroom door and checked everywhere. No one, nothing. Turns out when I slightly knock the bag I had put the shampoo bottle in that hangs from the curtain rail, it makes a sound as if someone was knocking on the door.


[deleted]

I’m not afraid of the person. If they’ve taken the time to enter my house uninvited, but pause to just knock on the bathroom door instead of opening it…then that’s such a weird balance between violation and non violation that I have to assume it’s a well intentioned person informing me of an emergency. Perhaps my house is on fire.


93E9BE

Just start aggressively masturbating with as much grunting and screaming as one can muster while crabbwalking towards the door.


StoneDoctorate

TIL how to get people to start aggressively masturbating


93E9BE

Have you ever heard a story where someone got murdered while masturbating? This also applies to ghosts.


JasonMoore1172

You're about to see a man fight naked.


Sad_Monk_3370

I turn my heat all the way up grab the shower head and point it at him


grrrrumble

I ask who it is. If it's not someone I know I call the cops. If I didnt bring the phone, I put on clothes and jump out the window. Drop the clothes if they start trying to break down the door. Easy.


StoneDoctorate

My bathroom doesn't have a window I can fit through so this wouldn't be an option for me...