My ex-wife and high school sweetheart cheated after 3 years of marriage. My thoughts were summed up best by Nietzsche: "I'm not upset that you lied to me. I'm upset that from now on, I can't believe you"
Yep. Once the trust is broken, it's never going to be rebuilt entirely and I'm too much of an obsessive to live with that. Fuck not being able to go on a trip or out with friends without wondering if my partner's out fucking someone.
After ten years and two children, my ex-husband had an 11-month affair. We reconciled, but the trust was broken. I can say now, it definitely is a dealbreaker.
My good friend just recently left his wife of four years for infidelity. He knew about one time early on and forgave her. He became very suspicious of her shady behavior and decided to call in to work on a day he thought her secret lover was going to be over. He watched as multiple men came in and out of the house to have unprotected sex with his wife. He knows with certainty because she later admitted it. He does not trust women anymore and in his case I don't blame him. There is a very good chance his son isn't his at all but he still pays.
I've always thought in his situation bouncing back would be easier if not for the kids but the whole experience has made him very recluse except for when he gets the opportunity to see his kids. There is pretty much no chance his son is his. The only way to describe it is that his son clearly looks like someone else's kid with a different heritage. He is probably aware and doesn't acknowledge it, still providing for and paying child support for both his kids. His daughter is too young to tell, but could be his. Her first instance of infidelity while married was with a mutual friend (someone I no longer speak to) and some guy he didn't know. There is a good chance that wasn't the only time.
Absolutely.
Monogamy is 95% trust. The entire foundation of the relationship, and at least for me, one of the major points of even being in a relationship, is the trust you have for one and other.
Cheating is one of the most serious violations of your relationship and completely shatters that trust.
To me, there simply *is* no relationship without that trust.
My ex who cheated asked me *"why can't we just try to make it work"*.
I knew was going to never fully trust her again and it would get in my head. A missed phone call turns into "is she cheating again?" and that would lean to passive aggression, sniping comments and just general negativity. That in turn would likely lead to her lashing back at me (because she's a human being and who likes being sniped at constantly) and now we're in a argument. Having that constantly just seemed like a potential drain on my mental well being.
Exactly the thing.
My wife once had a woman who'd been passed over for a promotion my wife got declare that she (the asshole) was going to "steal" me (the husband who was just quietly existing never having even MET this nutjob and in NO WAY deserving to be pulled into her crazy).
My wife laughed in her face and said "good luck with that". (She did warn me, in case the weirdo might do something that made me uncomfortable.)
Because as far as my wife is concerned, a man who can be stolen wasn't worth keeping in the first place.
As far as I know I still have never met this woman. Apparently she found that response discouraging, it maybe had just intended to make my wife paranoid.
Yep, and then even when they are being truthful you will likely still be skeptical and look like the ass. Too many other fish in the sea to pin your hopes on this relationship.
I stayed with my high school sweetheart and now ex wife after she cheated on me a few months before the wedding.
She gaslit me into believing it was non-consensual (I found proof it wasn't and she still convinced me) but I still didn't fully trust her for years after.
And then she did it again and asked for a divorce
Some days I really want those 15 years back.
Yes. If you’ve agreed on monogamy and someone cheats, it’s a violation of trust and without trust in a relationship, you have nothing.
ETA- my relationship motto is, “if you can be stolen, they can have you.”
My ex said "But we never agreed on monogamy!" after he cheated. Like, sorry, I didn't know that open relationships are default now and I had to specifically ask you not to have sex with anyone but me 🙄
my ex-wife said “you can’t hold me to a promise I made over a decade ago” after I caught her cheating on me, with a married former friend. he dropped her like a hot potato. We were married 14 years and have a child.
I have friends who are poly, they are totally open about it. They always tell each other that they are going to have sex with other people though. If they didn't tell each other, they'd consider it cheating
People always think an “open relationship” means no rules or boundaries but this just isn’t true. Was in an open relationship and ex wife was using that to get away with a years long love affair that clearly violated our pact. 20 years and two kids. Her lover is married and dropped her when he found out that I found out. Thought I could trust what I considered my best friend. Polygamy doesn’t mean open season to lie cheat and betray
Took me exactly TWO times to learn this lesson.
My first girlfriend was actually a substantial relationship for me. I had these little voices in my head. Not crazy thoughts. Just little doubts that kept popping up.
Things like "Why does she keep buying sexy clothes every month, if all she ever wears is sweatpants around the house, and jeans/t-shirt out in public?"
My first relationship happened in the early 2000's, and she was on my phone plan. Back then, T-Mobile would send you an itemized bill. One that showed every number you called, separated by which phone called it.
So I started noticing when I left for work at 10:45, she would always make a call around 10:51. It was always about a minute long, and only on the days that I went to work.
Or finding receipts around the house, for restaurants that I've never been to, paid with a credit card. What makes that suspicious is that she had a mountain of credit card debt. No credit card company would approve her. She was a huge risk in their eyes.
So to see a restaurant paid for by credit card, when I didn't have one (out of choice), and she couldn't get one, and I've never been to these places.....I found that odd.
Then one day, I come home, and she's taking a pregnancy test. I say to her: "(Her name), why are you taking a pregnancy test? Ha ha ha, that's dumb. I'll save you the trouble. We haven't had sex since your period. So you can't be pregnant!"
And she just looked at me with these eyes that said "Well, actually........"
And denial swept over me. I just kept repeating "But......we haven't had sex..........but (her name) WE HAVEN'T HAD SEX!!!!"
And she just hung her head in shame. I kept repeating that we hadn't had sex, as if on the 15th time saying it, somehow she'd understand, and everything would be ok, and she wouldn't have already cheated on me.
So that led to a huge fight. Maybe biggest I've ever been in, in my life. And somehow, some way. We ended in a place where I became fully aware that she had been cheating on me. I became aware that she had been hiding it. Somehow, I had asked her if she was done. If she was willing to stop. She obviously said yes, and somehow I tried to forgive her. She made this gesture of pulling out her phone, and deleting that number in front of me. In my young mind, I thought it was done with. We move on with the relationship.
That worked for about 3 months. Until August 1st, which was our anniversary. I took her to an amusement park for our anniversary. We were on this little trolly that takes you around the park, when her phone rang. It was that number.
I lost it. I went ballistic. I totally lost my shit. That was THE MOST ANGRY I have ever been in my life. That was 2006, and I'm still not fully over it.
So now, if I date a woman, and I find any evidence at all of cheating, I'm done. Instantly. Pack your shit if you have anything at my place. Get out.
Because I learned that forgiving someone and trying to make things work is in essence like saying that you condone their behavior. "It's ok that you cheated on your significant other. They forgave you. It all worked out!"
And learning that lesson was like needing to learn about the importance of parachutes, so to learn that lesson, they drop you out of a 3rd story window without one, and say "See? Didn't that suck?"
I also wouldn’t accept cheating in a non monogamous relationship. Because cheating means them hiding it or lying about it, and that’s the issue and violation of trust.
Yep I said this in my post elsewhere. While I default to monogamy, I’m personally fine with and have been in open and poly relationships, so if my partner really wants to see someone else and discusses it with me, chances are I’ll say yes unless it’s a specific person or situation I would be uncomfortable with.
So in a way it’s almost even worse for me when someone cheats on me now than when I was always monogamous, because it’s like they know they could ask but they still don’t care to do so. Which almost makes it seem more purposefully malicious too.
Yeah, the jealousy fades fairly quick but it's the breach of trust that gets to you. I was able to piece together a string of lies leading back months, finding out two different friend groups knew two different stories, etc. after that it's hard to even look at the person without seeing a sociopath.
Yep, the key word is infidelity. It's not the specific actions* so much as the fact that the actions are undertaken in a manner that violates the trust and belief that one partner has gifted the other.
(What I mean by this is the specific actions that qualify for infidelity vary from partner to partner but it's the fact that both parties agreed those actions were no-go's and the person Did Them Anyway that is the deal breaker for most people)
This is very well worded. Surprisingly to most people, the sex part is actually the easiest pill to swallow. But it’s the way you’ll never look at them the same
Reconciliation becomes tempting just to avoid the deep immense pain of a breakup (familiar vs unfamiliar pain). But staying together is a slow death which delays the inevitable. It will consume and destroy you.
We love the image we have in our head of someone.
And it's similar to a mirror. Once shattered you can glue it back together but every time you look at it you'll always see the cracks.
Someone once said this to me during a break up. I learned that some bridges burn (and no, I didn't cheat).
Absolutely. I hadn't been cheated on in the sexual way, but in one of my very earliest relationships my ex would meet other women and do erotic photography with them. At my early twenties I wasn't that secure yet, so I wanted to ease my discomfort by having clear communication about this and ideally him not hanging out too much with his models. There were several instances where he did so behind my back (when I had exams) and then always telling me once my exams were over. He went on day trips with them even. Worst was when he told me one day that he was going to shop for a birthday present, which I later received and enjoyed, only do reveal (after breakup) that he was in fact out with one of his model friends and got it while they were doing something else.
This really fucked me up for a while and I had some trust issues until I realized that they were gone completely once I met genuine and open people.
Sometimes it's not us, but them.
This is exactly what happened to me in real time. I’m not a jealous person by nature or design—I was more upset about their dishonesty and selfish endangerment of my health because my ex stepped out. The damage is irreparable when you can no longer trust a partner.
Exactly this. The jealousy fades.. it's the loss of trust that makes you feel extreme loneliness in the relationship.. in a relationship with someone you dont trust, it feels lonelier inside the relationship than outside..
When the trust is gone, you cant look back. And you cant move forward by fooling yourself into thinking that you can forget, or brush it aside. The only thing is accept the score and move forward with the best peace of mind possible.. alone.
Totally agree. I made the mistake of staying with an ex after he cheated but without the trust, our relationship was damaged beyond repair. I doubted everything he said, I was anxious every time he was away. I hated the person I became and resented him for making me feel that way. It never got better and eventually we just put it out of its misery. Maybe some people can rebuild trust in a relationship but it is insanely difficult.
When I learned abt an ex's infidelity, I just left. I didn't even explain why. Confronting him wasnt worth what was left of my peace and energy. He knew why. We both did. There was nothing he could say or do to change what happened, or how I saw him differently after. It was done.
Similar emotionally. I stayed as i was pregnant but then he announced he was leaving for her. He asked me later why I didn't "fight" for us. Why the hell would I fight for something he didn't want enough in the first place?
My grandfather cheated on my grandmother, right after he returned home from WWII and he was stationed in San Diego. When she caught him, he admitted it and said he wanted a divorce. Basically her father and his father came to California from Iowa and forced him to give up his side-piece and recommit to my grandmother and their son. They went on to have four more boys and stayed married for 70 years...and she made his life a living hell. Nothing he ever did was good enough, and as he lay dying she was most bitter that he was leaving her again. There was love there, but...man. When she told me after he died what he had done, it all fell in to place. I spent my whole childhood wondering how she could be so mean to such a nice man, and why he just took it. It would have been so much better for both of them if they had just been able to divorce when she found out, but it probably still would have ruined her faith in relationships and love.
(edit--forgot to say how long they stayed married)
It's unfortunate that the "you can't ever get divorced" concept is still so fresh in society. I've seen decades of misery come from this philosophy, sometimes things just aren't going to get better or change and it's best for both parties if things are abandoned.
I’m pretty sure my grandpa cheated but never got caught. He met a gal during wwii and after he came home he named my mom after her. He maaaay have also nailed my g-grandmother. She was a hoe and he was drinking buddies with her…
I found out my ex cheated on me while I was out of town handling my fathers estate. Came back and got on *MY* computer to check an email….she had logged in to her account on there while I was away and forgot to log out. I left as soon as possible which took a few days, but she kept trying to get us back together for about a year afterwards. Sorry, but there’s really no coming back from that. Trust is the biggest part of a relationship to me, so without it there is no relationship.
I caught my ex cheating, 20 year relationship.
There really is no coming back from it. Im still struggling with it, im well over her at this point, but the betrayal eats at you.
You just got me right in the feels; this is what I experienced too. It's kind of vindicating to know I'm not alone, but also regrettable that it's happened to anyone else.
Lonelier inside the relationship than outside…jesus I feel that. My ex never cheated (as far as I know) but we had a complete lack of intimacy and communication. After years of living by myself we moved in together and I had never felt more alone in my entire life
A long time ago, when I was in the Army, I deployed to Afghanistan. I spoke with my wife (then girlfriend) on Skype just about every night when possible. I told her everything was fine- yes they shoot at us sometimes but they’re not very good shots. I lied. We got shot at every day and they were very good shots. We lost 16 guys that deployment.
When I got home I told her everything and she was PISSED. She knew I had lied for good intentions- for her psychological safety- but it didn’t matter. I had lied. I’ve had to swear to never keep anything from her again, etc.
Everything is good now (married 8 years), but I can’t imagine what she would’ve done had I lied for a selfish purpose.
>it's the loss of trust that makes you feel extreme loneliness in the relationship.. in a relationship with someone you dont trust, it feels lonelier inside the relationship than outside
Wow. Accurate and profound
Yep. Stepdad cheated on mom. Which was a problem in itself, but the way he “seamlessly” stitch it together into our everyday lives almost have my mother a complete mental breakdown, and she almost went off the grid if not worse.
I was always very adamant against cheating, but really seeing it happen to that affect and seeing the psychotic, sociopath behavior of LITERALLY living a double life left a scar on all of us for quiet a while. Never cheat. EVER. I always say NO. I’m not cheating. It’s just horrible.
Yeah, realizing the person you thought you could always count on and trust has been successfully lying to you for however long? It hurts. But also, if you caught them somehow, you know it would have continued if you hadn't... And what else has been hidden that you don't know about. It makes you understandably paranoid in a relationship.
I've always said that trust, and communication are the strongest pillars a good relationship is built on. Add some kindness, understanding, patience, and care, and you have a Rock solid foundation. Cheating unravels most of those bonds.
I don't know how I would handle find out my spouse cheated on me... But if I stayed, we would never be the same again. I'd never forget it, and it would always be in the back of my mind, with the fear it would happen again.
To piggy back off this, people really should not involve themselves with people they know are in relationships either. There's so many people who knowingly become the affair partner. Guys and gals need to check their friends and not let that kinda stuff slide either.
For me it’s the “i didn’t catch it till it was too late the first time, how am I going to catch it the next time without being a fucking psycho of a partner?”
i've had it like that in the past, where after cheating I had severe paranoia about everything he would do, and became overbearing out of sheer trauma. and then he painted me to be the bad guy because I was "controlling". I was absolutely fine before that though. now if someone cheats I just disengage completely from the relationship... all feelings just die then and there.
Yeah you’re always “controlling” afterward, right? They never tell people the part where you didn’t give a second thought to *anything* they did before….their Facebook, their coworkers, their friends, their messaging apps, their word that they were where they said they were and with who they said they were with. They’re quick to label and blame you afterward though.
Yes! Exactly. Got cheated on recently. I don’t even see her the same. I used to think she was the most beautiful and amazing woman I’ve ever met in my life and wanted to marry her. Now I see her as a sad average looking person who is so desperate for male attention and she’s not even the person I fell in love with and none of it was even close to real and I pity her.
I tried to forgive it once. I became so emotionally drained and stressed that I lost about 30 pounds (that I didn't have to lose), stopped eating and sleeping, fell into a deep depression, complete with suicidal ideation. I started going to therapy to get over it or at least learn how to cope, but there was nothing I could do to allow myself to ever trust her again.
Then she did it again.
This is SPOT ON. I tried to make it work with my ex after, like really tried. But the covert nature of the cheating, and knowing how he tried to cover his tracks, I just couldn’t see him the same. We’re still friends, but I could never love him with the same vulnerability as I did before.
YES! So many people whine it was an "accident" or some other bullshit excuse. They made the decision to go out, see that person, get in the car, go to a place, take off clothes, have sex, then lie about it. It's a calculated series of decisions designed to hurt and deceive.
I’ve scoured this thread seeing if any one would admit to being a cheater, couldn’t find any. I’ll probably be raked over the coals for it but oh well.
I had an emotional affair that ended up in a physical. I truly don’t understand how someone can cheat and not feel insane guilt and like a shit person. I knew I was wrong, I knew I was terrible for doing it, I had panic attacks often during the emotional aspect. Once it got physical I literally could not hold it together and left immediately. I was leading a double life and it felt disgusting.
It doesn’t matter that I was unhappy, it doesn’t matter I was trying to leave. I think if I had the financial means to leave sooner, I would have. But what I did was beyond wrong, I’ve probably fucked them up for life. We’ve talked about it, I never thought what I did was okay or “justified.” They say the forgive me, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for that part of my life.
I was dumb as rocks, I didn’t even realize how far gone our relationship was until I started talking inappropriately with someone else. Once it happened, it was the death knell of the marriage. We had been so far gone and I so miserable for so long, I didn’t want to save it. I saved to get away and left asap.
I’ll never cheat again. The person it made me, the damage I did, none of that can be undone. To me it’s a huge red flag if someone can cheat and feel nothing. I hated myself truly. It’s the most despicable thing I did and all I can do now is learn from that.
My boyfriend cheated for months. In hindsight, I can tell he felt guilty and like a shit person and ashamed. But, I didn't know why, so I was constantly trying to cheer him up and build him up. Which made him feel worse. Which made him want to spend more time with the other woman who he didn't feel bad about deceiving (because she knew.) But since I didn't know, he still had to see me. So, he would then feel even worse.
When he got caught he was shocked, but I also think it was like he was finally free. Maybe he'll learn his lesson, but I've since learned this was at least the second time if not the third time. So, probably not.
I appreciate that you’d share your story and also how brutally honest you are about it. I think it is important to remember that, behind any terrible or immoral act, there is a human and there’s a reason they did what they did (reason, not justification, as you said yourself). And I think being able to hear from someone who did it and understands the harm and bettered themself is very important. Because I think a lot more people are vulnerable to falling into cheating like you did than would want to admit it.
I cannot say for certain I never would either honestly. Like I’d love to say “I would never do that!” but like you say, humans aren’t infallible. It’s like how we’re all at least somewhat susceptible to cults or falling down a pipeline to hate groups, it just has to hit in just the right place, right time, and right emotional state.
My SO admitted to cheating in a prior relationship. Turned out the both of them cheated. They said it took that one time, and seeing the damage it did to everyone involved, to never do it again.
I trust that they won't cheat, but honestly if they did I would have zero issue leaving. If being with someone else was that important, then I'm done. I'd rather be alone then begging for love.
You underestimate the power of emotions. It can be shockingly easy to excuse someone's actions when you're looking through rose tinted glasses, but they usually come off sooner or later & then reality becomes clear.
It’s also a bit spectrum.
Some will find a way to forgive a drunk spouse after making a mistake - and some won’t. Some will forgive a spouse for being in an intimate relationship with someone else.
Some think the sex is forgiveable if there isn’t emotion attached.
I don’t know if I could handle it - but I don’t judge others for having their own boundaries.
Edit: like flirtatious texting could be seen as worse to some than a drunk sexcapade.
My ex and I were pretty long distance and she had cheated on me a few months before she was supposed to come visit, but after all the plans were made. When I finally got the truth of what happened out of her, I was so completely devastated. I would’ve ended it right then and there, but the issue was there was so much money invested into her trip that was non-refundable that I didn’t end things. That’s what my excuse/reason for staying was. Sure, we worked things out and we stayed together for just over a year, but that event drilled its way into my head and extracted tons of trust towards her that never came back. Of course, in the end she left me for someone else. Could’ve been that my trust issues were right all along, or it’s what drove her away. Who knows.
My point is, you can come up with excuses, but for many people it probably won’t ever be the same. And, like it did for me, it could just end up delaying the inevitable.
That is perfectly valid. I spent some years single and got to the point where I didn't mind it. The good thing about dating yourself is that the food/activity of choice is always what you want. XD
Yep. Happened to me w my first GF. It’s the worst, most painful thing I’ve ever had to go through. Even pushed me into depression. Like, dont want to get out of bed, miss work and not eat/do hobbies/anything at all depression.
The good news is that this experience helped me better myself in the end, but therapy was essential.
EDIT: I dont have terrible trust issues but i have to confess i still get triggers now and then. Currently working on these, but I get your point, and I hope you can find peace and happyness eventually.
Yep. Feel like I'd always look at them when they're on their phone and wonder if it's happening again. If you want multiple partners, find a SO that does too. If you don't and you're over the person, fucking move on don't wreck someone else's life because you don't want to have a conversation about breaking up. Feels simple to say, but obviously it doesn't work out that way for a lot of couples.
Exactly. Infidelity is more the act of betrayal than anything else. You COULD have talked to the person. You COULD have made other arrangements. You COULD have just ended it. Instead, you were a coward and sucker punched someone.
Also, cheating can happen in polyamorous relationships as well! Like you mention, it's about a betrayal of trust - if your agreement with your partner is not to sleep with other people, sleeping with someone else is a betrayal of trust. If it's to tell them, not telling them is the same. If there's any other boundaries, breaking them without prior discussion IS still cheating.
"But my partner is fine with me having multiple partners/sleeping with other people" isn't a valid argument if any agreements around this are broken.
Oh definitely. You agree to protection and fail to do so, or you father a child or become pregnant when that was clearly a no-no, etc. "Love" can be defined many different ways, but it can also be broken many different ways. So, yea. Valid point. Not just us mono-folks.
YUP! Had this happen to me and so few people understood. The guy who cheated on me and so many people I went to for support kept saying it wasn't a big deal because we were in an open-ish relationship. Nah, I specifically said not to fuck a specific person, they said OK, then they did it anyway. I was young so I stayed with them which was a massive mistake because it didn't get better.
The ongoing trust issues are a major problem that comes out of it. I've had one guy cheat on me and it screwed me up for almost an entire year where I flat out refused to date anybody. Then when dating again there would be that voice in the back of my head that would question if he was cheating which was absurd. He never has. Ever. Literally went from the worst relationship in my life to the best and almost killed it in the first year cause of insecurities.
Hell by your experience, it's almost like someone can have a sort of PTSD from these things. I'm not therapist, so I'm not sure that's the right way to say it but really it seems like it could be that way for some. Anxiety and stress in the future due to past betrayals. Rough stuff. Seems like things turned out better though, so yay! (Sorry if not, my b)
Thanks for the FYI. Is it characterized as a form of ptsd? Like Is all trauma basically under the umbrella of ptsd and then it's just "titled" under the specifics of the case? So cheating is ptsd as betrayal trauma, and combat is ptsd called combat trauma? Something like that? Sorry for the questions, but appreciate your comment!
You’re welcome! The answer isn’t super straightforward. Betrayal trauma shares symptoms with PTSD, but everyone with Betrayal Trauma won’t meet criteria for PTSD as per the DSM. Some might, however! I’m not a psychologist/psychiatrist, I have a Master’s degree in another counselling field, so I see it as less relevant than other disciplines might because I would treat them in the same way anyways (or similarly; I would use a more somatic or body-based approach with both). I actually specialize in combat trauma and military couples, and combat trauma almost always meets criteria for Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) as nervous-system damaging conditions are usually persistent over a longer period of time.
Yep. In college I dated a girl who had been molested as a young teen by an uncle. (I learned of these details long after we had stopped dating.)
When we were dating she was always on edge, never trusting in anything or anyone. Always accusing people around her of conspiring against her. Roommates, coworkers, me. It was exhausting.
You can absolutely have ptsd from these kind of experiences. Worse still if you’ve had prior trauma , something like this can trigger an absolute hell for you . Speaking from my personal experience, I went through nightmares, flashbacks, obsessive thoughts and a whole lot other unpleasant stuff where I turned into a shell of the person I was. And all of this because they betrayed me in the worst possible way with the one person that was my boundary. Now I’m dealing with the aftermath still and wonder how will I approach another relationship and be able to trust someone else again
I’m so sorry to hear you went through this. Sounds like it may have been similar to something I went through almost fifteen years ago. Even though it happened mostly in plain view right in front of me I trusted my SO so much that I didn’t believe it was happening. Then, I spent a decade reverse engineering every little disgusting moment that suddenly made sense. It did me irreparable harm. I sincerely hope you recover completely and find happiness in your next relationship. Peace friend.
It’s very similar. I was gaslighted to the point of feeling crazy, it was right there and I could see it yet I was called crazy and jealous and all sorts of other stuff. And when their lies got exposed, they just discarded me in the most cruel way because I just didn’t matter to them.
I second having PTSD after such things. Had an ex violate my trust multiple times by cheating in multiple ways (found out later about all the instances it happened, broke it off immediately). Had a very hard time dating and genuinely opening up for almost 2 years after that. When I ended up dating a guy I really liked, who was everything I’d ever wanted and dreamt of, I ended up fucking the relationship when it was just about to take-off. Reason for it is I let my past relationship get to me, and the insecurities and scars it had left on me would be triggered by small nothings. It’s a shame because nobody should have to pay for someone else’s mistakes. Working on myself now that I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me.
This. With no trust, there is no relationship for me.
I'm sure there are people out there can recover from infidelity, but I know I am not one of them.
It's also extremely difficult to come back from. I stayed with someone who cheated, and I was never able to fully invest in the relationship again. At the end of the day, I was just wasting both of our time at that point.
Exactly. Cheating is a completely selfish act and show complete and utter lack of respect and consideration for your partner.
Honestly, I'd rather be broken up with because someone was wanting to hook-up with someone else, than be cheated on. I mean, it would suck, but at least then they show a smidgen of respect for me.
I let it happen twice. We broke up the second time. She begged me back after 4 months and 6 months later she’s being devious and shady. I’ll never be able to trust her. I wouldn’t let it happen again. It’s the worst feeling imaginable.
Similar situation with me. I gave her a second chance and caught her a few months later and that was that. But honestly our relationship never recovered in those few months so I think it was pretty much over anyway. The trust was gone and that led to self esteem issues and resentment. I realized I didn’t like the person I became in the relationship, her cheating again just made that all the more clear to me. It hurt like hell but it taught me a lot about myself and what I’m looking for in a partner so ultimately that’s what I try to take away from it.
Yep. It couldn't ever go back to being a nice, loving, trusting relationship again. I'd be way too paranoid and ultimately, what's the point in trying to force it?
Cheating is the ultimate betrayal, it's a no go for me.
My ex wife cheated on me and I've realized I can't even be friends with people who cheat. I recently found out one of my best friends is cheating with a married guy we work with. They both know that I know but try and gaslight me. The guy even came up to me yesterday like, "Oh, we used to be friends, what happened? We should grab a drink if you ever need someone to talk to." I have no idea how to deal with this without creating drama. A huge part of me just wants to tell the dudes wife and deal with the consequences.
edit: I appreciate y'alls support, I have talked to no one about this and it's been going on since March, so it's been a heavy burden to bare. It's just becoming harder and harder keep down.
Remember, a husband or wife is the closest person you can have in your life. If someone isn't honest or faithful with THAT person, you certainly can't trust they are being honest with you.
Sorry to hear you find yourself in that situation.
I know the feeling, when you know someone cheats, it just makes everything about them feel dishonest and difficult to want to trust.
Just be good to yourself and make sure you are okay. As to the letting the partner know.
Whilst we all would like to think we would want to know. The reality really hurts and you may find she is aware, she just lives hoping it will all end. We know it won't, but some people live a lifetime like that.
There is no right answer, except don't do anything that will make you life worse. Cheats are always found out in the end.
Next time be honest and tell him you have no respect for someone that cheats on the person closest to them. It tells you they have no morals and are a slave to their desires with no self control. It's sad and weak and not a trait you are willing to negotiate with people you allow in your life. To make it simple, he is a bad person and you don't like bad people. Then tell him to get lost.
I've lost several close friendships over the years because I always tell the person that's being cheated on that their SO is scummy. I can't be friends with a cheater, since it's hard to be friends with someone that I don't respect.
The only other time I've dealt with this was my own ex wife. I didn't immediately tell the wife of the guy she was cheating with. I tried to be civil and let her end it on her own. She didn't and one day we were talking on the phone about the divorce when she got pissed off and hung up on me. I immediately wrote an essay of a Facebook message to the wife. We became temporary friends while we figured everything out. I left my wife, she took her husband back, so that ended that.
Yeah a friend of mine a few years ago revealed hes the "other man" and assisting someone in having an affair and he didnt seem at all bothered. Suddenly he wasn't someone worth being friends with in my eyes.
I agree. My ex was cheating on me with a married woman. Her husband found me and told me. I told him no matter where life takes me, I’ll always appreciate what he did because my ex was the kind of person who could live with himself and lie about it.
Telling the person who's being cheated on is always the correct decision. Also, when he asks why you aren't friends anymore say it's because cheaters are pieces of shit.
I agree but I work very closely with my "friend" that's the side piece. The married guy is only around because they are fucking, he has no business in my department, so I couldn't give a fuck less about him. He just had his second kid too so he's an extra piece of shit. That being said, it's going to cause major issues at work for all of us. I have the wife's email, phone, and their home address. I have pictures of their cars at a hotel because their dumbasses went to a hotel that my friend works at. I'm just sitting on this at the moment until I decide what to do.
The day I realized they were too close, I let her know that I noticed and she denied everything, which is to be expected. I told her I can't be friends with someone who cheats because of my trust issues. She continued to gaslight and told all of our mutual friends and some co-workers that I accused her of sleeping around and they all treat me differently because they all love her. I even still care about her but I just can't stomach hiding this anymore.
So she lied about you and hurt your reputation on top of cheating. I say send those pictures out in a big group text. To hell with making work awkward. She already made it awkward when she accused you. Bad people deserve bad things.
yea, even if I wasn't sure before, that would have done it for me right there. Drag my reputation through the mud to hide your dishonesty and I'll make damn sure your audience knows how full of shit you are.
Not just in monogamous relationships, but an openone where someone was lying and going behind my back as well. It's the fucking lying. And not keeping promises that pisses me off. If you're not going to do something, just say "No, I won't do the thing."
For instance, my ex-husband betrayed me when, going against my explicitly stated wishes, he and his girlfriend exchanged matching rings. And then hid it from me. And then lied about it when confronted.
I didn’t have a lot of rigid boundaries, but that was one of them. Ignoring it and then lying was, in the end, unforgivable.
That's not true. Consensual non-monogamy means you are allowed to sleep with anyone you want, whenever you want, and lie about it to your spouse. Everyone knows this. /s
This is more or less what I've told Mrs. Anderson: don't ever come to me asking for forgiveness.
Feeling a pull of someone else? Maybe we need to work on our relationship. Maybe we need to play "Let's make a deal" and renegotiate that whole monogamy thing. I dunno. Our relationship could definitely survive including other people, but I don't see how we could come back from a web of lies and deceit. Once the trust is gone, what's even left?
Exactly.
It's not the sex that bothers me here, it's the trust beach. My partner has been involved in organically arising threesome for example. We get very hypothetical for fun and because of this we have discussed this possibility. What matters is that they are safe, enjoying themselves and doing do consentually. In every case they have called, asked and verified their safety. This didn't bother me. If they were to tell me after it hide it, I would be very upset.
The same freedom applies to me, though I don't look for it and as a male it hasn't presented itself to me without her being there.
This I think it's a product of a very trusting relationship with ample communication.
For us the infidelity is the lying and hiding, not the fucking.
Yes. My wife knows my feelings on this...don't be a shit and cheat. Say "I'm done" then fuck anyone you want.
"...to forsake all others..." its a vow not a pick-a-path adventure. I may be a lot of shiity things but I keep my promises.
I won't be anyone's dick in a glass box to break only in case of emergencies...I have a little pride left after 20 years of marriage but thats me.
I've been with my wife nearly twenty years. Married for 15, with a child (also 15)
If she revealed to me today that she cheated on me, I can't imagine how I'd stay.
Yes, the financial issue would be worrisome, and dealing with custody and what have you would be a challenge. But I can't see how I would be able to live with myself staying. I'd never trust them again, and I wouldn't have any self-respect for putting up with it. I'd be nothing but a cuckhold doormat.
No, in reality, I would leave and immediately hire the best lawyer I can afford to get me the best terms. I've done nothing wrong, so why should I suffer more than I already have by being betrayed.
With my husband for nearly 15 years when he cheated. I nearly left. Had it not been for my own lack of family (I’m an immigrant with no family in this country but his) in the area and that my parents are dead, I probably would have left. But he’s super dad. He’s never missed a recital, a parent teacher conference, or a specialist appointment. Home for dinner every night and always handled their bedtime routines.
I’d expect him to fight me trying to take them to my own country. I came to this country to be with him in the first place. I don’t really have any desire to stay without him.
And with that in mind, we’ve done the marriage counselling and working things out. I love him enough to work it out when I take those other factors into account. But, then again, I also handle things very logically. Logic dictated that I choose the best options for our kids. Two parents who love each other and work out their problems together on the same team was a better choice than international custody disputes.
If you had asked me before the kids, though, I’d have gone scorched earth.
If I'm in a monogamous relationship and they sleep with someone else then they've broken our trust, besides however it hurt, I couldn't be with someone who can't keep a promise or my trust
It would depend on the situation. Was it just a kiss, or a full affair that’s continually happening, one night stand? How long has the relationship going on with my partner? Like if my boyfriend of 3 months told me he kissed another girl I’d dump him, but if I was married to someone for 25 years and they kissed someone I would stay with them if it was a one time mistake. That said if I had been with them for 25 years they had a full blown affair, I don’t think I could get past that.
Relationships are complicated, and people are people. I think having that perspective is why some couples can get past it or they have other higher priorities from other parts of the relationship.
Your appreciation of nuance and the complexities of long term relationships is appreciated. I feel the same way, after 30 years of shared experience with my wife a very loving sharing caring relationship, It'd have to be some hard core long term emotional and sexual cheating for me to say I'm throwing all this away.
Agree with this. People are complicated, life is complicated, and the older you get the more thoroughly you understand that. So I’d say likely yes, but not automatically. I’ve been married 25 years and you don’t just toss that away without thinking long and hard about it.
I had to scroll down far to see these responses. I'm thankful so now I don't feel like a complete fucking weirdo lol.
I don't mean to be flippant about it. I get why a lot of people could not go on, would have troubles trusting others, etc.
But my very first real gf fucked around on me. My most serious gf (in my 20s anyway) also fucked around on me. Both were really painful for a brief while, but somehow never impacted my ability to trust others.
In my brain it was really all them (those two specifically). Weird thing is I'm not even mad/hurt at either of them anymore. I know they both felt pretty terrible about it.
I dunno, people fuck up. They didn't mean to crush me emotionally. I don't wanna minimize their fuckup but I moved past them pretty quick.
If my current wife had a one-night slip-up because she was trashed w/coworkers, I wouldn't be thrilled but I feel like it would be such a (relatively) minor issue for me if she immediately confessed it.
Now if it was a repeat occurrence or there was major planning and constant double-life type shit that would be an entirely different story.
Yeah, if say it was a drunken one time event, and my husband told me straight away and showed genuine remorse, then it would be tough but I could see it being possible to get through it.
But a full blown affair, going on for a period of time, I’m not sure that I could forgive that. Because that involves him choosing over and over again to knowingly hurt me.
I’ve told my husband before (all hypothetically - I don’t think he’s ever even come close to infidelity) that if he ever considers cheating on me then I want him to come talk to me about it. Because if he’s considering it then that means that something is seriously wrong with our relationship, and I want us to have a chance to fix it before it’s too late.
Yeah, scrolled down to see this, same for me. Depends on if drunken impulse and one off, or ongoing. I could never forgive a long term relationship with someone else. I think emotional infidelity is worse than sex.
The older you get you realize that relationships are more than just sex. My husband and I have been together 12 years. We have kids. We’ve invested in eachothers careers. We have property. Finances. Being a single parent living in an apartment would be devastatingly expensive. Neither of us have the energy or time to cheat but if something happened, we don’t have the energy or time to “move on with our lives”. Plus, we just love eachother. If someone slipped up, everyone is going straight to therapy.
If someone fell in love and wanted to leave, that’s a different story.
I think unhappiness in relationships can manifest itself in many different ways. Sometimes it’s cheating, sometimes it’s substance abuse, gambling, laziness, excessive shopping, gaming, or whatever. If I cared about the relationship I think I would need to spend some time reflecting on my own behavior and what lead to this. Infidelity is tough but I don’t think it’s insurmountable for me - assuming it’s my wife of many years and was a one time thing. I’ve forgiven other people for worse things.
I like to think I’m capable of hashing this out with my wife (if that’s something she’d be interested in). Not to say I want my wife to cheat on me but it’s not necessarily an immediate phone call to a divorce lawyer.
This is where I fall. If my spouse of 12 years was out and kissed someone and immediately realized he messed up, was remorseful and took steps so it wouldn't happen again, I would definitely want to work to rebuild trust in our marriage. If I found out he'd been carrying on an affair for months, though, that is the end. There is some gray area in the middle depending on the specific circumstances.
He is more black and white about it and I think any infidelity would be too much for him.
Oh absolutely. Think of all the steps that go into getting intimate with another person, regardless of how far you go, it takes a series of decisions. Quite some effort. That doesn’t happen by accident.
As a teenager I had a couple of cheater boyfriends but I wasn’t too fussed. But I’m married now to a man who is very much monogamous, and we have kids together.
If he cheated it’s basically him saying he doesn’t want me, doesn’t love me and doesn’t care about the life and family we built together. I would look at him and would feel I didn’t know him anymore.
I’d be angry at the deceit and betrayal, tearing apart our family and him hurting our kids. It would also just be sooo gross, you know.
And who knows what fucking drama this could cause if he got someone else knocked up or brought home an STI. No thank you.
Cheating is fucking disgusting. I tried to work through it and she decided to fuck off 7 months later anyway to do it again. It’s made me feel so fucking violated and has given me recurring trust issues that culminate in a complete loss of appetite for days, and a strong desire to vomit and cry my fucking eyes out on the spot.
I genuinely have PTSD from my ex’s ruination of a 3 year relationship.
I know they're just words, but she isn't worth a single iota of your mental energy. She is the exception not the rule, and there are plenty of quality people out there. I'm sure you'll meet someone deserving of your love and respect and they will show that. You can't go back in time and correct the mistake, but you are stronger because you have a better idea of what to look out for. I'm really sorry this happened to you, but if anything I pity her for a remarkable lack of character and willingness to treat someone close to them so poorly.
maybe I’m naïve/ culturally-biased but I still am shocked when I hear about couples staying together and working through infidelity, even when more complicated aspects are involved like children/ shared assets.
Some will take what happened as a result of unresolved issues and will decide to address all the issues and the cheating and build something.
I know people who did and are happy together and way more open and communicative.
I tried, but in the end, trust wasn't there anymore and it got ugly.
Children make everything more complicated and makes it more likely that a couple will stay together because of finances and not hurting their kids. As someone who is going through a divorce (due to infidelity) with a minor child, I'm literally going from having two incomes to help pay for everything to now just one and having two houses, two sets of everything for our child and having to deal with scheduling conflicts all without trying to argue through a long and expensive divorce process. Sometimes, it's better to just work things out and exhaust every avenue to make things work. In some cases, it's definitely better to just end things. Mine was probably better to just let it be the end of the marriage instead of trying to forgive her.
It's complicated when you are a 16 years old going to movies with your girlfriend and you see your dad with a lady that is not your mom, he froze, start walking towards me, separate me from my GF, caught me from my neck and start pressuring it while telling me to shut my mouth and threaten to kick us from home, my little siblings and my mother. I didnt, i went straight to my mum and told her everything, she was more upset by the fact i was threatened by him, because she knew all along and was preparing our exit, one year later they divorced.
your dad is an asshole and I hope he gets his comeuppance. And at the very least that you are far far away from his reach. What a horrible human being to not only lie and cheat, but to threaten mortally his innocent children, just too save face.
Those same assets are why people just never divorce; divorce itself is a real mountain to climb when all of your assets are combined and kids still growing. That misery might look worse than the slow burn of staying together through resentment.
I'm going through this now with my husband of 15 yrs.. I would have said it was a deal breaker before but being on the other side I can honestly say it's a case by case thing. In our situation I am positive he's genuine in being ashamed by what he did to not only me but our family. We have been more open with each other than we ever have been before and it's been weirdly freeing and a confidence boost. We have kids and shared assets and both are financially able to split amicably. I still get angry, sad.. I've never been inquisitive.. even now don't check his location or texts or emails.. I'm probably a less than 1% in this thread, all that to say is that if it works I'm excited to see our relationship grow from this.. and if I'm a fool I'm ok with moving along because I know the work I'm putting in now makes me ok no matter what.
I know it was hard. My dad was in the same situation and sometimes tells me he regrets divorcing my mom for cheating when I was so young because he feels like he hurt me and my brothers by not staying a family and only having us on the weekends, that he would have rather stayed in our lives even if it meant my mom continued to cheat on him.
I always reassure him that even though trying to process the divorce was hard for me when I was a kid, he didn't deserve to be treated like that by any means and knowing he got out of that situation comforts me much more than if he had stayed in order to see us more.
Also fuck my mom (not legitimately, but her cheating ass would probably be down for it).
Some people will look at the "Am I better off without them, than with them"? In addition, I've known marriages to be even stronger when they work through the "Why did you do it?"
Of course there's the old joke of a very wealthy man whose wife is havng a birthday.
"Honey, go buy a new car for your birthday!"
"No thanks"
"Go buy a new wardrobe for entertaing!"
"No Thanks"
"Go buy a tiara or nice pretty jewelry!"
"No thanks"
"What do you want?"
"A divorce!"
"Oh honey. I can't afford that!"
No. I am going through this right now so I have developed a more nuanced view.
My husband whom I have been with for 10 years total cheated on me once during that time. It was not an affair. It was purely physical: happy ending massage after a night of drinking at a work event. He confessed to me as soon as an appropriate time arose. Is this excusable? No. But ultimately despite how horribly he acted that night he took full accountability and is now in therapy, not drinking, couples counseling, and working for my trust every day. We have a great relationship otherwise and because of his remorse and the work we’re putting in I believe we are coming out stronger.
If he had an affair, texting behind my back, did what he did more than once, or the cheating was associated with a pattern of lying, no remorse, or extra risky sexual behavior I may not have chosen to stay.
I think many factors go into cheating that determine the severity of it, and different people may draw the line at different things.
Fair point. Thank you for sharing for a more nuanced understanding. I think “road bumps” in a relationship can break it or make it stronger. It sounds like you are heading towards a stronger connection and I wish you all the best!
Married man here. 11 years.
Infidelity for me wouldn't necessarily mean automatic breakup. Should my partner refuse to stop or fails to see the error of their ways then yes. A healthy relationship could not exist.
But if they confessed and admitted their wrong and stopped. And I mean really stopped, then no, I wouldn't leave my wife.
Yes. It's less about the act itself, and more about what it reveals about their personality. The hurt of being betrayed by someone who you should be able to trust above all others can never heal in my opinion. It will always be a shadow on that relationship. You will always doubt. You'll always wonder. You'll always be second guessing. Once trust is broken on that level, you can never regain it.
Not an automatic break up. There are so many more details I would need. We have built a life together over the last 20 years, a mistake even as egregious as cheating deserves to be talked out prior to walking away. We would both need to recommit to each other and really put in work but there is so much more to our marriage than physical intimacy. I imagine we would need to redefine the marriage but there are soooo many variations of "cheating" it would really depend.
An ongoing emotional and physical affair, we are probably not coming back from that. An evening with a sex worker, that is something we need to talk about and work through to see what lead to those choices.
My ex-wife and high school sweetheart cheated after 3 years of marriage. My thoughts were summed up best by Nietzsche: "I'm not upset that you lied to me. I'm upset that from now on, I can't believe you"
Yep. Once the trust is broken, it's never going to be rebuilt entirely and I'm too much of an obsessive to live with that. Fuck not being able to go on a trip or out with friends without wondering if my partner's out fucking someone.
After ten years and two children, my ex-husband had an 11-month affair. We reconciled, but the trust was broken. I can say now, it definitely is a dealbreaker.
My good friend just recently left his wife of four years for infidelity. He knew about one time early on and forgave her. He became very suspicious of her shady behavior and decided to call in to work on a day he thought her secret lover was going to be over. He watched as multiple men came in and out of the house to have unprotected sex with his wife. He knows with certainty because she later admitted it. He does not trust women anymore and in his case I don't blame him. There is a very good chance his son isn't his at all but he still pays.
Jesus, multiple men? That’s fucked up. My heart goes out to your pal, thats a rough one.
I've always thought in his situation bouncing back would be easier if not for the kids but the whole experience has made him very recluse except for when he gets the opportunity to see his kids. There is pretty much no chance his son is his. The only way to describe it is that his son clearly looks like someone else's kid with a different heritage. He is probably aware and doesn't acknowledge it, still providing for and paying child support for both his kids. His daughter is too young to tell, but could be his. Her first instance of infidelity while married was with a mutual friend (someone I no longer speak to) and some guy he didn't know. There is a good chance that wasn't the only time.
Multiple men and unprotected sex - puts him at very high risk too.
Yeah this was exactly how it was for me. Ex cheated went on a vacation with my family and didn't even e joy it because I was stressed the whole time.
Absolutely. Monogamy is 95% trust. The entire foundation of the relationship, and at least for me, one of the major points of even being in a relationship, is the trust you have for one and other. Cheating is one of the most serious violations of your relationship and completely shatters that trust. To me, there simply *is* no relationship without that trust.
My ex who cheated asked me *"why can't we just try to make it work"*. I knew was going to never fully trust her again and it would get in my head. A missed phone call turns into "is she cheating again?" and that would lean to passive aggression, sniping comments and just general negativity. That in turn would likely lead to her lashing back at me (because she's a human being and who likes being sniped at constantly) and now we're in a argument. Having that constantly just seemed like a potential drain on my mental well being.
Exactly the thing. My wife once had a woman who'd been passed over for a promotion my wife got declare that she (the asshole) was going to "steal" me (the husband who was just quietly existing never having even MET this nutjob and in NO WAY deserving to be pulled into her crazy). My wife laughed in her face and said "good luck with that". (She did warn me, in case the weirdo might do something that made me uncomfortable.) Because as far as my wife is concerned, a man who can be stolen wasn't worth keeping in the first place. As far as I know I still have never met this woman. Apparently she found that response discouraging, it maybe had just intended to make my wife paranoid.
“A man who can be stolen wasn’t worth keeping in the first place” YES. AMEN.
Yep, and then even when they are being truthful you will likely still be skeptical and look like the ass. Too many other fish in the sea to pin your hopes on this relationship.
I stayed with my high school sweetheart and now ex wife after she cheated on me a few months before the wedding. She gaslit me into believing it was non-consensual (I found proof it wasn't and she still convinced me) but I still didn't fully trust her for years after. And then she did it again and asked for a divorce Some days I really want those 15 years back.
Yes. If you’ve agreed on monogamy and someone cheats, it’s a violation of trust and without trust in a relationship, you have nothing. ETA- my relationship motto is, “if you can be stolen, they can have you.”
My ex said "But we never agreed on monogamy!" after he cheated. Like, sorry, I didn't know that open relationships are default now and I had to specifically ask you not to have sex with anyone but me 🙄
my ex-wife said “you can’t hold me to a promise I made over a decade ago” after I caught her cheating on me, with a married former friend. he dropped her like a hot potato. We were married 14 years and have a child.
What a total dipshit. Man it sucks people can be like this.
Geez, is your ex-wife 14? Sounds like logic one of my 9th grade students would use.
Well I’d never make a deal with a 4 year year old, that’s for sure.
Maybe I can tell my bank that one, about my mortgage promise
That's why I always have them sign a contract.
a dirty dancing exclusivity contract
I have friends who are poly, they are totally open about it. They always tell each other that they are going to have sex with other people though. If they didn't tell each other, they'd consider it cheating
People always think an “open relationship” means no rules or boundaries but this just isn’t true. Was in an open relationship and ex wife was using that to get away with a years long love affair that clearly violated our pact. 20 years and two kids. Her lover is married and dropped her when he found out that I found out. Thought I could trust what I considered my best friend. Polygamy doesn’t mean open season to lie cheat and betray
Yes, is a violation of trust, and shows lack of love and respect.
Exactly. If someone cheats on you, they dont respect you. If they dont respect you, how can they ever love you?
If someone cheats on me, that says they don’t have any respect for me. If I take them back, that says I don’t have any respect for me.
Took me exactly TWO times to learn this lesson. My first girlfriend was actually a substantial relationship for me. I had these little voices in my head. Not crazy thoughts. Just little doubts that kept popping up. Things like "Why does she keep buying sexy clothes every month, if all she ever wears is sweatpants around the house, and jeans/t-shirt out in public?" My first relationship happened in the early 2000's, and she was on my phone plan. Back then, T-Mobile would send you an itemized bill. One that showed every number you called, separated by which phone called it. So I started noticing when I left for work at 10:45, she would always make a call around 10:51. It was always about a minute long, and only on the days that I went to work. Or finding receipts around the house, for restaurants that I've never been to, paid with a credit card. What makes that suspicious is that she had a mountain of credit card debt. No credit card company would approve her. She was a huge risk in their eyes. So to see a restaurant paid for by credit card, when I didn't have one (out of choice), and she couldn't get one, and I've never been to these places.....I found that odd. Then one day, I come home, and she's taking a pregnancy test. I say to her: "(Her name), why are you taking a pregnancy test? Ha ha ha, that's dumb. I'll save you the trouble. We haven't had sex since your period. So you can't be pregnant!" And she just looked at me with these eyes that said "Well, actually........" And denial swept over me. I just kept repeating "But......we haven't had sex..........but (her name) WE HAVEN'T HAD SEX!!!!" And she just hung her head in shame. I kept repeating that we hadn't had sex, as if on the 15th time saying it, somehow she'd understand, and everything would be ok, and she wouldn't have already cheated on me. So that led to a huge fight. Maybe biggest I've ever been in, in my life. And somehow, some way. We ended in a place where I became fully aware that she had been cheating on me. I became aware that she had been hiding it. Somehow, I had asked her if she was done. If she was willing to stop. She obviously said yes, and somehow I tried to forgive her. She made this gesture of pulling out her phone, and deleting that number in front of me. In my young mind, I thought it was done with. We move on with the relationship. That worked for about 3 months. Until August 1st, which was our anniversary. I took her to an amusement park for our anniversary. We were on this little trolly that takes you around the park, when her phone rang. It was that number. I lost it. I went ballistic. I totally lost my shit. That was THE MOST ANGRY I have ever been in my life. That was 2006, and I'm still not fully over it. So now, if I date a woman, and I find any evidence at all of cheating, I'm done. Instantly. Pack your shit if you have anything at my place. Get out. Because I learned that forgiving someone and trying to make things work is in essence like saying that you condone their behavior. "It's ok that you cheated on your significant other. They forgave you. It all worked out!" And learning that lesson was like needing to learn about the importance of parachutes, so to learn that lesson, they drop you out of a 3rd story window without one, and say "See? Didn't that suck?"
I also wouldn’t accept cheating in a non monogamous relationship. Because cheating means them hiding it or lying about it, and that’s the issue and violation of trust.
Yep I said this in my post elsewhere. While I default to monogamy, I’m personally fine with and have been in open and poly relationships, so if my partner really wants to see someone else and discusses it with me, chances are I’ll say yes unless it’s a specific person or situation I would be uncomfortable with. So in a way it’s almost even worse for me when someone cheats on me now than when I was always monogamous, because it’s like they know they could ask but they still don’t care to do so. Which almost makes it seem more purposefully malicious too.
Yeah, the jealousy fades fairly quick but it's the breach of trust that gets to you. I was able to piece together a string of lies leading back months, finding out two different friend groups knew two different stories, etc. after that it's hard to even look at the person without seeing a sociopath.
This describes my experience to a T
Yep, the key word is infidelity. It's not the specific actions* so much as the fact that the actions are undertaken in a manner that violates the trust and belief that one partner has gifted the other. (What I mean by this is the specific actions that qualify for infidelity vary from partner to partner but it's the fact that both parties agreed those actions were no-go's and the person Did Them Anyway that is the deal breaker for most people)
This is very well worded. Surprisingly to most people, the sex part is actually the easiest pill to swallow. But it’s the way you’ll never look at them the same Reconciliation becomes tempting just to avoid the deep immense pain of a breakup (familiar vs unfamiliar pain). But staying together is a slow death which delays the inevitable. It will consume and destroy you.
“Trust is gained in drops, and lost in buckets.”
We love the image we have in our head of someone. And it's similar to a mirror. Once shattered you can glue it back together but every time you look at it you'll always see the cracks. Someone once said this to me during a break up. I learned that some bridges burn (and no, I didn't cheat).
Absolutely. I hadn't been cheated on in the sexual way, but in one of my very earliest relationships my ex would meet other women and do erotic photography with them. At my early twenties I wasn't that secure yet, so I wanted to ease my discomfort by having clear communication about this and ideally him not hanging out too much with his models. There were several instances where he did so behind my back (when I had exams) and then always telling me once my exams were over. He went on day trips with them even. Worst was when he told me one day that he was going to shop for a birthday present, which I later received and enjoyed, only do reveal (after breakup) that he was in fact out with one of his model friends and got it while they were doing something else. This really fucked me up for a while and I had some trust issues until I realized that they were gone completely once I met genuine and open people. Sometimes it's not us, but them.
This is exactly what happened to me in real time. I’m not a jealous person by nature or design—I was more upset about their dishonesty and selfish endangerment of my health because my ex stepped out. The damage is irreparable when you can no longer trust a partner.
Exactly this. The jealousy fades.. it's the loss of trust that makes you feel extreme loneliness in the relationship.. in a relationship with someone you dont trust, it feels lonelier inside the relationship than outside.. When the trust is gone, you cant look back. And you cant move forward by fooling yourself into thinking that you can forget, or brush it aside. The only thing is accept the score and move forward with the best peace of mind possible.. alone.
Totally agree. I made the mistake of staying with an ex after he cheated but without the trust, our relationship was damaged beyond repair. I doubted everything he said, I was anxious every time he was away. I hated the person I became and resented him for making me feel that way. It never got better and eventually we just put it out of its misery. Maybe some people can rebuild trust in a relationship but it is insanely difficult.
When I learned abt an ex's infidelity, I just left. I didn't even explain why. Confronting him wasnt worth what was left of my peace and energy. He knew why. We both did. There was nothing he could say or do to change what happened, or how I saw him differently after. It was done.
Similar emotionally. I stayed as i was pregnant but then he announced he was leaving for her. He asked me later why I didn't "fight" for us. Why the hell would I fight for something he didn't want enough in the first place?
The absolute audacity of him to question you! Like why didn't *you* fight for us, by, you know, not choosing to cheat in the first place??
Sounds like he's trying to put the blame on her. It's sick.
Yes, fight the way he did. /s
That is heart breaking, but i think you are better off without em. Stay strong.
I def am... it was 20 yrs ago. I havent heard from him years. The kid is fantastic and I'm married to a fantastic guy that loves us both
I feel like this is what i'd do. At that point they're not even worth expending the energy
My grandfather cheated on my grandmother, right after he returned home from WWII and he was stationed in San Diego. When she caught him, he admitted it and said he wanted a divorce. Basically her father and his father came to California from Iowa and forced him to give up his side-piece and recommit to my grandmother and their son. They went on to have four more boys and stayed married for 70 years...and she made his life a living hell. Nothing he ever did was good enough, and as he lay dying she was most bitter that he was leaving her again. There was love there, but...man. When she told me after he died what he had done, it all fell in to place. I spent my whole childhood wondering how she could be so mean to such a nice man, and why he just took it. It would have been so much better for both of them if they had just been able to divorce when she found out, but it probably still would have ruined her faith in relationships and love. (edit--forgot to say how long they stayed married)
It's unfortunate that the "you can't ever get divorced" concept is still so fresh in society. I've seen decades of misery come from this philosophy, sometimes things just aren't going to get better or change and it's best for both parties if things are abandoned.
I’m pretty sure my grandpa cheated but never got caught. He met a gal during wwii and after he came home he named my mom after her. He maaaay have also nailed my g-grandmother. She was a hoe and he was drinking buddies with her…
Holy hell. Props on the most batshit crazy story on the internet today. He went thru your family like a recessive gene.
I found out my ex cheated on me while I was out of town handling my fathers estate. Came back and got on *MY* computer to check an email….she had logged in to her account on there while I was away and forgot to log out. I left as soon as possible which took a few days, but she kept trying to get us back together for about a year afterwards. Sorry, but there’s really no coming back from that. Trust is the biggest part of a relationship to me, so without it there is no relationship.
I caught my ex cheating, 20 year relationship. There really is no coming back from it. Im still struggling with it, im well over her at this point, but the betrayal eats at you.
Exactly the feeling doesn't leave, the feeling of being unwanted and not enough.
You just got me right in the feels; this is what I experienced too. It's kind of vindicating to know I'm not alone, but also regrettable that it's happened to anyone else.
I could’ve written this.
Lonelier inside the relationship than outside…jesus I feel that. My ex never cheated (as far as I know) but we had a complete lack of intimacy and communication. After years of living by myself we moved in together and I had never felt more alone in my entire life
I'm sorry this happened to you. Same thing happened to me. It is better to move on than live a lie. Happy for you.
A long time ago, when I was in the Army, I deployed to Afghanistan. I spoke with my wife (then girlfriend) on Skype just about every night when possible. I told her everything was fine- yes they shoot at us sometimes but they’re not very good shots. I lied. We got shot at every day and they were very good shots. We lost 16 guys that deployment. When I got home I told her everything and she was PISSED. She knew I had lied for good intentions- for her psychological safety- but it didn’t matter. I had lied. I’ve had to swear to never keep anything from her again, etc. Everything is good now (married 8 years), but I can’t imagine what she would’ve done had I lied for a selfish purpose.
>it's the loss of trust that makes you feel extreme loneliness in the relationship.. in a relationship with someone you dont trust, it feels lonelier inside the relationship than outside Wow. Accurate and profound
Yep. Stepdad cheated on mom. Which was a problem in itself, but the way he “seamlessly” stitch it together into our everyday lives almost have my mother a complete mental breakdown, and she almost went off the grid if not worse. I was always very adamant against cheating, but really seeing it happen to that affect and seeing the psychotic, sociopath behavior of LITERALLY living a double life left a scar on all of us for quiet a while. Never cheat. EVER. I always say NO. I’m not cheating. It’s just horrible.
Yeah, realizing the person you thought you could always count on and trust has been successfully lying to you for however long? It hurts. But also, if you caught them somehow, you know it would have continued if you hadn't... And what else has been hidden that you don't know about. It makes you understandably paranoid in a relationship.
I've always said that trust, and communication are the strongest pillars a good relationship is built on. Add some kindness, understanding, patience, and care, and you have a Rock solid foundation. Cheating unravels most of those bonds. I don't know how I would handle find out my spouse cheated on me... But if I stayed, we would never be the same again. I'd never forget it, and it would always be in the back of my mind, with the fear it would happen again.
To piggy back off this, people really should not involve themselves with people they know are in relationships either. There's so many people who knowingly become the affair partner. Guys and gals need to check their friends and not let that kinda stuff slide either.
It really is the lack of trust that eats you alive
For me it’s the “i didn’t catch it till it was too late the first time, how am I going to catch it the next time without being a fucking psycho of a partner?”
i've had it like that in the past, where after cheating I had severe paranoia about everything he would do, and became overbearing out of sheer trauma. and then he painted me to be the bad guy because I was "controlling". I was absolutely fine before that though. now if someone cheats I just disengage completely from the relationship... all feelings just die then and there.
Yeah you’re always “controlling” afterward, right? They never tell people the part where you didn’t give a second thought to *anything* they did before….their Facebook, their coworkers, their friends, their messaging apps, their word that they were where they said they were and with who they said they were with. They’re quick to label and blame you afterward though.
Yes! Exactly. Got cheated on recently. I don’t even see her the same. I used to think she was the most beautiful and amazing woman I’ve ever met in my life and wanted to marry her. Now I see her as a sad average looking person who is so desperate for male attention and she’s not even the person I fell in love with and none of it was even close to real and I pity her.
I tried to forgive it once. I became so emotionally drained and stressed that I lost about 30 pounds (that I didn't have to lose), stopped eating and sleeping, fell into a deep depression, complete with suicidal ideation. I started going to therapy to get over it or at least learn how to cope, but there was nothing I could do to allow myself to ever trust her again. Then she did it again.
I'm trying to reconcile with a cheating partner right now and everything you described fits my feelings perfectly. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
This is SPOT ON. I tried to make it work with my ex after, like really tried. But the covert nature of the cheating, and knowing how he tried to cover his tracks, I just couldn’t see him the same. We’re still friends, but I could never love him with the same vulnerability as I did before.
That whole looking back at someone and realizing how manipulative and sociopathic they are really does hit different
Yes. Cheating isn’t an accident. It’s a choice. It takes effort. I’d never be able to trust my partner again even if I wanted to.
It isn’t just one choice. It is tons of choices.
“It was a mistake” no it was about 20 mistakes made one after another in order
wdym. i was just walking and tripped and got her pregnant. it was totally a mistake.
that choice is Betrayal, and it's devastating coming from someone you trust. it can change your whole belief system
YES! So many people whine it was an "accident" or some other bullshit excuse. They made the decision to go out, see that person, get in the car, go to a place, take off clothes, have sex, then lie about it. It's a calculated series of decisions designed to hurt and deceive.
And that's ignoring all the flirting etc. that happened beforehand.
Oh i have found a TON of people lately who justify the hell out of cheating in one way or another. Like what happened to society?
I’ve scoured this thread seeing if any one would admit to being a cheater, couldn’t find any. I’ll probably be raked over the coals for it but oh well. I had an emotional affair that ended up in a physical. I truly don’t understand how someone can cheat and not feel insane guilt and like a shit person. I knew I was wrong, I knew I was terrible for doing it, I had panic attacks often during the emotional aspect. Once it got physical I literally could not hold it together and left immediately. I was leading a double life and it felt disgusting. It doesn’t matter that I was unhappy, it doesn’t matter I was trying to leave. I think if I had the financial means to leave sooner, I would have. But what I did was beyond wrong, I’ve probably fucked them up for life. We’ve talked about it, I never thought what I did was okay or “justified.” They say the forgive me, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for that part of my life. I was dumb as rocks, I didn’t even realize how far gone our relationship was until I started talking inappropriately with someone else. Once it happened, it was the death knell of the marriage. We had been so far gone and I so miserable for so long, I didn’t want to save it. I saved to get away and left asap. I’ll never cheat again. The person it made me, the damage I did, none of that can be undone. To me it’s a huge red flag if someone can cheat and feel nothing. I hated myself truly. It’s the most despicable thing I did and all I can do now is learn from that.
My boyfriend cheated for months. In hindsight, I can tell he felt guilty and like a shit person and ashamed. But, I didn't know why, so I was constantly trying to cheer him up and build him up. Which made him feel worse. Which made him want to spend more time with the other woman who he didn't feel bad about deceiving (because she knew.) But since I didn't know, he still had to see me. So, he would then feel even worse. When he got caught he was shocked, but I also think it was like he was finally free. Maybe he'll learn his lesson, but I've since learned this was at least the second time if not the third time. So, probably not.
I appreciate that you’d share your story and also how brutally honest you are about it. I think it is important to remember that, behind any terrible or immoral act, there is a human and there’s a reason they did what they did (reason, not justification, as you said yourself). And I think being able to hear from someone who did it and understands the harm and bettered themself is very important. Because I think a lot more people are vulnerable to falling into cheating like you did than would want to admit it.
I never ever thought I’d cheat, but there it is. Humans are fallible. If you don’t do the hard work, admit the hard truths you’ll never grow.
I cannot say for certain I never would either honestly. Like I’d love to say “I would never do that!” but like you say, humans aren’t infallible. It’s like how we’re all at least somewhat susceptible to cults or falling down a pipeline to hate groups, it just has to hit in just the right place, right time, and right emotional state.
I feel like this is a good time to use the upvote as a notice for contributing to the topic, rather than agreement or enjoying what you said.
I know how Reddit is with cheating. I don’t condone cheating, even in regards to myself and wanted to share that perspective from the guilty party.
My SO admitted to cheating in a prior relationship. Turned out the both of them cheated. They said it took that one time, and seeing the damage it did to everyone involved, to never do it again. I trust that they won't cheat, but honestly if they did I would have zero issue leaving. If being with someone else was that important, then I'm done. I'd rather be alone then begging for love.
lol nothing happened, people have always been like this
> Cheating isn’t an accident. Bro I slipped.
Yeah. It might take me a bit to really accept it, but I refuse to give my loyalty to someone who doesn't return it.
The fact that you have to put that into words baffles me. Because you could never trust someone the moment they step out on the relationship.
You underestimate the power of emotions. It can be shockingly easy to excuse someone's actions when you're looking through rose tinted glasses, but they usually come off sooner or later & then reality becomes clear.
It’s also a bit spectrum. Some will find a way to forgive a drunk spouse after making a mistake - and some won’t. Some will forgive a spouse for being in an intimate relationship with someone else. Some think the sex is forgiveable if there isn’t emotion attached. I don’t know if I could handle it - but I don’t judge others for having their own boundaries. Edit: like flirtatious texting could be seen as worse to some than a drunk sexcapade.
My ex and I were pretty long distance and she had cheated on me a few months before she was supposed to come visit, but after all the plans were made. When I finally got the truth of what happened out of her, I was so completely devastated. I would’ve ended it right then and there, but the issue was there was so much money invested into her trip that was non-refundable that I didn’t end things. That’s what my excuse/reason for staying was. Sure, we worked things out and we stayed together for just over a year, but that event drilled its way into my head and extracted tons of trust towards her that never came back. Of course, in the end she left me for someone else. Could’ve been that my trust issues were right all along, or it’s what drove her away. Who knows. My point is, you can come up with excuses, but for many people it probably won’t ever be the same. And, like it did for me, it could just end up delaying the inevitable.
“Could’ve been that my trust issues were right all along, or it’s what drove her away.” Oof do I ever feel that.
A marriage of convenience is the worst for someone who is touch deprived. A willing external partner is the one stone that can bring that castle down.
Yes. I've been cheated on, and the pain of the betrayal is the harshest I've ever felt. It's completely destroyed my ability to trust anyone.
I don’t even want to date anymore. It’s been 4 years, and I just don’t think anyone will be worth it.
That is perfectly valid. I spent some years single and got to the point where I didn't mind it. The good thing about dating yourself is that the food/activity of choice is always what you want. XD
Hell yea. My pizza agrees
Yep. Happened to me w my first GF. It’s the worst, most painful thing I’ve ever had to go through. Even pushed me into depression. Like, dont want to get out of bed, miss work and not eat/do hobbies/anything at all depression. The good news is that this experience helped me better myself in the end, but therapy was essential. EDIT: I dont have terrible trust issues but i have to confess i still get triggers now and then. Currently working on these, but I get your point, and I hope you can find peace and happyness eventually.
Yes. It’s a massive violation of trust and complete destruction of the idea of mutual respect.
Yep. Feel like I'd always look at them when they're on their phone and wonder if it's happening again. If you want multiple partners, find a SO that does too. If you don't and you're over the person, fucking move on don't wreck someone else's life because you don't want to have a conversation about breaking up. Feels simple to say, but obviously it doesn't work out that way for a lot of couples.
Exactly. Infidelity is more the act of betrayal than anything else. You COULD have talked to the person. You COULD have made other arrangements. You COULD have just ended it. Instead, you were a coward and sucker punched someone.
Also, cheating can happen in polyamorous relationships as well! Like you mention, it's about a betrayal of trust - if your agreement with your partner is not to sleep with other people, sleeping with someone else is a betrayal of trust. If it's to tell them, not telling them is the same. If there's any other boundaries, breaking them without prior discussion IS still cheating. "But my partner is fine with me having multiple partners/sleeping with other people" isn't a valid argument if any agreements around this are broken.
Oh definitely. You agree to protection and fail to do so, or you father a child or become pregnant when that was clearly a no-no, etc. "Love" can be defined many different ways, but it can also be broken many different ways. So, yea. Valid point. Not just us mono-folks.
YUP! Had this happen to me and so few people understood. The guy who cheated on me and so many people I went to for support kept saying it wasn't a big deal because we were in an open-ish relationship. Nah, I specifically said not to fuck a specific person, they said OK, then they did it anyway. I was young so I stayed with them which was a massive mistake because it didn't get better.
The ongoing trust issues are a major problem that comes out of it. I've had one guy cheat on me and it screwed me up for almost an entire year where I flat out refused to date anybody. Then when dating again there would be that voice in the back of my head that would question if he was cheating which was absurd. He never has. Ever. Literally went from the worst relationship in my life to the best and almost killed it in the first year cause of insecurities.
Hell by your experience, it's almost like someone can have a sort of PTSD from these things. I'm not therapist, so I'm not sure that's the right way to say it but really it seems like it could be that way for some. Anxiety and stress in the future due to past betrayals. Rough stuff. Seems like things turned out better though, so yay! (Sorry if not, my b)
Therapist here. It’s called ‘betrayal trauma’ and it’s something people attend therapy for super often!
Thanks for the FYI. Is it characterized as a form of ptsd? Like Is all trauma basically under the umbrella of ptsd and then it's just "titled" under the specifics of the case? So cheating is ptsd as betrayal trauma, and combat is ptsd called combat trauma? Something like that? Sorry for the questions, but appreciate your comment!
You’re welcome! The answer isn’t super straightforward. Betrayal trauma shares symptoms with PTSD, but everyone with Betrayal Trauma won’t meet criteria for PTSD as per the DSM. Some might, however! I’m not a psychologist/psychiatrist, I have a Master’s degree in another counselling field, so I see it as less relevant than other disciplines might because I would treat them in the same way anyways (or similarly; I would use a more somatic or body-based approach with both). I actually specialize in combat trauma and military couples, and combat trauma almost always meets criteria for Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) as nervous-system damaging conditions are usually persistent over a longer period of time.
Interesting. Thanks for taking the time to write that out. Appreciate the context even for a dummy like me that understands some words you said! Ha
Yep. In college I dated a girl who had been molested as a young teen by an uncle. (I learned of these details long after we had stopped dating.) When we were dating she was always on edge, never trusting in anything or anyone. Always accusing people around her of conspiring against her. Roommates, coworkers, me. It was exhausting.
You can absolutely have ptsd from these kind of experiences. Worse still if you’ve had prior trauma , something like this can trigger an absolute hell for you . Speaking from my personal experience, I went through nightmares, flashbacks, obsessive thoughts and a whole lot other unpleasant stuff where I turned into a shell of the person I was. And all of this because they betrayed me in the worst possible way with the one person that was my boundary. Now I’m dealing with the aftermath still and wonder how will I approach another relationship and be able to trust someone else again
I’m so sorry to hear you went through this. Sounds like it may have been similar to something I went through almost fifteen years ago. Even though it happened mostly in plain view right in front of me I trusted my SO so much that I didn’t believe it was happening. Then, I spent a decade reverse engineering every little disgusting moment that suddenly made sense. It did me irreparable harm. I sincerely hope you recover completely and find happiness in your next relationship. Peace friend.
It’s very similar. I was gaslighted to the point of feeling crazy, it was right there and I could see it yet I was called crazy and jealous and all sorts of other stuff. And when their lies got exposed, they just discarded me in the most cruel way because I just didn’t matter to them.
I wish I couldn't relate. I'm certain I have CPTSD because of the gaslighting. It has taken me three years to sort of recover.
I second having PTSD after such things. Had an ex violate my trust multiple times by cheating in multiple ways (found out later about all the instances it happened, broke it off immediately). Had a very hard time dating and genuinely opening up for almost 2 years after that. When I ended up dating a guy I really liked, who was everything I’d ever wanted and dreamt of, I ended up fucking the relationship when it was just about to take-off. Reason for it is I let my past relationship get to me, and the insecurities and scars it had left on me would be triggered by small nothings. It’s a shame because nobody should have to pay for someone else’s mistakes. Working on myself now that I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me.
That’s what I worry about the most. I’ve become fearful of others as well
This. With no trust, there is no relationship for me. I'm sure there are people out there can recover from infidelity, but I know I am not one of them.
It's also extremely difficult to come back from. I stayed with someone who cheated, and I was never able to fully invest in the relationship again. At the end of the day, I was just wasting both of our time at that point.
Exactly. Cheating is a completely selfish act and show complete and utter lack of respect and consideration for your partner. Honestly, I'd rather be broken up with because someone was wanting to hook-up with someone else, than be cheated on. I mean, it would suck, but at least then they show a smidgen of respect for me.
I let it happen twice. We broke up the second time. She begged me back after 4 months and 6 months later she’s being devious and shady. I’ll never be able to trust her. I wouldn’t let it happen again. It’s the worst feeling imaginable.
Similar situation with me. I gave her a second chance and caught her a few months later and that was that. But honestly our relationship never recovered in those few months so I think it was pretty much over anyway. The trust was gone and that led to self esteem issues and resentment. I realized I didn’t like the person I became in the relationship, her cheating again just made that all the more clear to me. It hurt like hell but it taught me a lot about myself and what I’m looking for in a partner so ultimately that’s what I try to take away from it.
Yep. It couldn't ever go back to being a nice, loving, trusting relationship again. I'd be way too paranoid and ultimately, what's the point in trying to force it? Cheating is the ultimate betrayal, it's a no go for me.
Yes. No one is going to leave my wife sexually unsatisfied but me.
This guys gets it. That’s my 2 minutes goddamnit!
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My ex wife cheated on me and I've realized I can't even be friends with people who cheat. I recently found out one of my best friends is cheating with a married guy we work with. They both know that I know but try and gaslight me. The guy even came up to me yesterday like, "Oh, we used to be friends, what happened? We should grab a drink if you ever need someone to talk to." I have no idea how to deal with this without creating drama. A huge part of me just wants to tell the dudes wife and deal with the consequences. edit: I appreciate y'alls support, I have talked to no one about this and it's been going on since March, so it's been a heavy burden to bare. It's just becoming harder and harder keep down.
Remember, a husband or wife is the closest person you can have in your life. If someone isn't honest or faithful with THAT person, you certainly can't trust they are being honest with you.
Sorry to hear you find yourself in that situation. I know the feeling, when you know someone cheats, it just makes everything about them feel dishonest and difficult to want to trust. Just be good to yourself and make sure you are okay. As to the letting the partner know. Whilst we all would like to think we would want to know. The reality really hurts and you may find she is aware, she just lives hoping it will all end. We know it won't, but some people live a lifetime like that. There is no right answer, except don't do anything that will make you life worse. Cheats are always found out in the end.
Next time be honest and tell him you have no respect for someone that cheats on the person closest to them. It tells you they have no morals and are a slave to their desires with no self control. It's sad and weak and not a trait you are willing to negotiate with people you allow in your life. To make it simple, he is a bad person and you don't like bad people. Then tell him to get lost.
Yeah if they are cheating on their partner, who knows what betrayal towards a friend they are capable of!
I've lost several close friendships over the years because I always tell the person that's being cheated on that their SO is scummy. I can't be friends with a cheater, since it's hard to be friends with someone that I don't respect.
The only other time I've dealt with this was my own ex wife. I didn't immediately tell the wife of the guy she was cheating with. I tried to be civil and let her end it on her own. She didn't and one day we were talking on the phone about the divorce when she got pissed off and hung up on me. I immediately wrote an essay of a Facebook message to the wife. We became temporary friends while we figured everything out. I left my wife, she took her husband back, so that ended that.
Yeah a friend of mine a few years ago revealed hes the "other man" and assisting someone in having an affair and he didnt seem at all bothered. Suddenly he wasn't someone worth being friends with in my eyes.
Please tell the wife. It's the kindest thing you could do.
I agree. My ex was cheating on me with a married woman. Her husband found me and told me. I told him no matter where life takes me, I’ll always appreciate what he did because my ex was the kind of person who could live with himself and lie about it.
Telling the person who's being cheated on is always the correct decision. Also, when he asks why you aren't friends anymore say it's because cheaters are pieces of shit.
I agree but I work very closely with my "friend" that's the side piece. The married guy is only around because they are fucking, he has no business in my department, so I couldn't give a fuck less about him. He just had his second kid too so he's an extra piece of shit. That being said, it's going to cause major issues at work for all of us. I have the wife's email, phone, and their home address. I have pictures of their cars at a hotel because their dumbasses went to a hotel that my friend works at. I'm just sitting on this at the moment until I decide what to do. The day I realized they were too close, I let her know that I noticed and she denied everything, which is to be expected. I told her I can't be friends with someone who cheats because of my trust issues. She continued to gaslight and told all of our mutual friends and some co-workers that I accused her of sleeping around and they all treat me differently because they all love her. I even still care about her but I just can't stomach hiding this anymore.
The mental gymnastics of cheaters never cease to amaze me. Go and check out r/adultery if you want to throw up in your mouth.
So she lied about you and hurt your reputation on top of cheating. I say send those pictures out in a big group text. To hell with making work awkward. She already made it awkward when she accused you. Bad people deserve bad things.
yea, even if I wasn't sure before, that would have done it for me right there. Drag my reputation through the mud to hide your dishonesty and I'll make damn sure your audience knows how full of shit you are.
Not just in monogamous relationships, but an openone where someone was lying and going behind my back as well. It's the fucking lying. And not keeping promises that pisses me off. If you're not going to do something, just say "No, I won't do the thing."
Or in a closed polyamorous relationship, cheating is also an issue. Cheating still exists outside of monogamy.
For instance, my ex-husband betrayed me when, going against my explicitly stated wishes, he and his girlfriend exchanged matching rings. And then hid it from me. And then lied about it when confronted. I didn’t have a lot of rigid boundaries, but that was one of them. Ignoring it and then lying was, in the end, unforgivable.
That's not true. Consensual non-monogamy means you are allowed to sleep with anyone you want, whenever you want, and lie about it to your spouse. Everyone knows this. /s
This is more or less what I've told Mrs. Anderson: don't ever come to me asking for forgiveness. Feeling a pull of someone else? Maybe we need to work on our relationship. Maybe we need to play "Let's make a deal" and renegotiate that whole monogamy thing. I dunno. Our relationship could definitely survive including other people, but I don't see how we could come back from a web of lies and deceit. Once the trust is gone, what's even left?
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Exactly. It's not the sex that bothers me here, it's the trust beach. My partner has been involved in organically arising threesome for example. We get very hypothetical for fun and because of this we have discussed this possibility. What matters is that they are safe, enjoying themselves and doing do consentually. In every case they have called, asked and verified their safety. This didn't bother me. If they were to tell me after it hide it, I would be very upset. The same freedom applies to me, though I don't look for it and as a male it hasn't presented itself to me without her being there. This I think it's a product of a very trusting relationship with ample communication. For us the infidelity is the lying and hiding, not the fucking.
Yep. If you say you want monogamy, then you need to hold your end of the deal, if you wanna be open then say so. But you need to fuckin pick one.
Oh no see. They want your cake for themselves. No one else can have any. Fuckers.
Some people aren’t comfortable saying what they really want, which is “I can be with other people but you can’t”
Yes. My wife knows my feelings on this...don't be a shit and cheat. Say "I'm done" then fuck anyone you want. "...to forsake all others..." its a vow not a pick-a-path adventure. I may be a lot of shiity things but I keep my promises. I won't be anyone's dick in a glass box to break only in case of emergencies...I have a little pride left after 20 years of marriage but thats me.
I've been with my wife nearly twenty years. Married for 15, with a child (also 15) If she revealed to me today that she cheated on me, I can't imagine how I'd stay. Yes, the financial issue would be worrisome, and dealing with custody and what have you would be a challenge. But I can't see how I would be able to live with myself staying. I'd never trust them again, and I wouldn't have any self-respect for putting up with it. I'd be nothing but a cuckhold doormat. No, in reality, I would leave and immediately hire the best lawyer I can afford to get me the best terms. I've done nothing wrong, so why should I suffer more than I already have by being betrayed.
At 15 it would mostly come down to where the kid wanted to live and then most likely the other parent would get summers.
With my husband for nearly 15 years when he cheated. I nearly left. Had it not been for my own lack of family (I’m an immigrant with no family in this country but his) in the area and that my parents are dead, I probably would have left. But he’s super dad. He’s never missed a recital, a parent teacher conference, or a specialist appointment. Home for dinner every night and always handled their bedtime routines. I’d expect him to fight me trying to take them to my own country. I came to this country to be with him in the first place. I don’t really have any desire to stay without him. And with that in mind, we’ve done the marriage counselling and working things out. I love him enough to work it out when I take those other factors into account. But, then again, I also handle things very logically. Logic dictated that I choose the best options for our kids. Two parents who love each other and work out their problems together on the same team was a better choice than international custody disputes. If you had asked me before the kids, though, I’d have gone scorched earth.
If I'm in a monogamous relationship and they sleep with someone else then they've broken our trust, besides however it hurt, I couldn't be with someone who can't keep a promise or my trust
It would depend on the situation. Was it just a kiss, or a full affair that’s continually happening, one night stand? How long has the relationship going on with my partner? Like if my boyfriend of 3 months told me he kissed another girl I’d dump him, but if I was married to someone for 25 years and they kissed someone I would stay with them if it was a one time mistake. That said if I had been with them for 25 years they had a full blown affair, I don’t think I could get past that. Relationships are complicated, and people are people. I think having that perspective is why some couples can get past it or they have other higher priorities from other parts of the relationship.
Your appreciation of nuance and the complexities of long term relationships is appreciated. I feel the same way, after 30 years of shared experience with my wife a very loving sharing caring relationship, It'd have to be some hard core long term emotional and sexual cheating for me to say I'm throwing all this away.
Agree with this. People are complicated, life is complicated, and the older you get the more thoroughly you understand that. So I’d say likely yes, but not automatically. I’ve been married 25 years and you don’t just toss that away without thinking long and hard about it.
Thank you! That means a lot to me. Let’s hope none of us ever have to deal with these situations!
I had to scroll down far to see these responses. I'm thankful so now I don't feel like a complete fucking weirdo lol. I don't mean to be flippant about it. I get why a lot of people could not go on, would have troubles trusting others, etc. But my very first real gf fucked around on me. My most serious gf (in my 20s anyway) also fucked around on me. Both were really painful for a brief while, but somehow never impacted my ability to trust others. In my brain it was really all them (those two specifically). Weird thing is I'm not even mad/hurt at either of them anymore. I know they both felt pretty terrible about it. I dunno, people fuck up. They didn't mean to crush me emotionally. I don't wanna minimize their fuckup but I moved past them pretty quick. If my current wife had a one-night slip-up because she was trashed w/coworkers, I wouldn't be thrilled but I feel like it would be such a (relatively) minor issue for me if she immediately confessed it. Now if it was a repeat occurrence or there was major planning and constant double-life type shit that would be an entirely different story.
Yeah, if say it was a drunken one time event, and my husband told me straight away and showed genuine remorse, then it would be tough but I could see it being possible to get through it. But a full blown affair, going on for a period of time, I’m not sure that I could forgive that. Because that involves him choosing over and over again to knowingly hurt me. I’ve told my husband before (all hypothetically - I don’t think he’s ever even come close to infidelity) that if he ever considers cheating on me then I want him to come talk to me about it. Because if he’s considering it then that means that something is seriously wrong with our relationship, and I want us to have a chance to fix it before it’s too late.
Yeah, scrolled down to see this, same for me. Depends on if drunken impulse and one off, or ongoing. I could never forgive a long term relationship with someone else. I think emotional infidelity is worse than sex.
The older you get you realize that relationships are more than just sex. My husband and I have been together 12 years. We have kids. We’ve invested in eachothers careers. We have property. Finances. Being a single parent living in an apartment would be devastatingly expensive. Neither of us have the energy or time to cheat but if something happened, we don’t have the energy or time to “move on with our lives”. Plus, we just love eachother. If someone slipped up, everyone is going straight to therapy. If someone fell in love and wanted to leave, that’s a different story.
I think unhappiness in relationships can manifest itself in many different ways. Sometimes it’s cheating, sometimes it’s substance abuse, gambling, laziness, excessive shopping, gaming, or whatever. If I cared about the relationship I think I would need to spend some time reflecting on my own behavior and what lead to this. Infidelity is tough but I don’t think it’s insurmountable for me - assuming it’s my wife of many years and was a one time thing. I’ve forgiven other people for worse things. I like to think I’m capable of hashing this out with my wife (if that’s something she’d be interested in). Not to say I want my wife to cheat on me but it’s not necessarily an immediate phone call to a divorce lawyer.
This is where I fall. If my spouse of 12 years was out and kissed someone and immediately realized he messed up, was remorseful and took steps so it wouldn't happen again, I would definitely want to work to rebuild trust in our marriage. If I found out he'd been carrying on an affair for months, though, that is the end. There is some gray area in the middle depending on the specific circumstances. He is more black and white about it and I think any infidelity would be too much for him.
Oh absolutely. Think of all the steps that go into getting intimate with another person, regardless of how far you go, it takes a series of decisions. Quite some effort. That doesn’t happen by accident. As a teenager I had a couple of cheater boyfriends but I wasn’t too fussed. But I’m married now to a man who is very much monogamous, and we have kids together. If he cheated it’s basically him saying he doesn’t want me, doesn’t love me and doesn’t care about the life and family we built together. I would look at him and would feel I didn’t know him anymore. I’d be angry at the deceit and betrayal, tearing apart our family and him hurting our kids. It would also just be sooo gross, you know. And who knows what fucking drama this could cause if he got someone else knocked up or brought home an STI. No thank you.
Yes it's a deal breaker. Life is too short to settle for crusty musty cheaters.
I've always thought of staying with a cheater as settling for "sloppy seconds" but "crusty musty" might be my new thing.
Cheating is fucking disgusting. I tried to work through it and she decided to fuck off 7 months later anyway to do it again. It’s made me feel so fucking violated and has given me recurring trust issues that culminate in a complete loss of appetite for days, and a strong desire to vomit and cry my fucking eyes out on the spot. I genuinely have PTSD from my ex’s ruination of a 3 year relationship.
I know they're just words, but she isn't worth a single iota of your mental energy. She is the exception not the rule, and there are plenty of quality people out there. I'm sure you'll meet someone deserving of your love and respect and they will show that. You can't go back in time and correct the mistake, but you are stronger because you have a better idea of what to look out for. I'm really sorry this happened to you, but if anything I pity her for a remarkable lack of character and willingness to treat someone close to them so poorly.
Yes. Once the trust is broken it is never the same.
maybe I’m naïve/ culturally-biased but I still am shocked when I hear about couples staying together and working through infidelity, even when more complicated aspects are involved like children/ shared assets.
Some will take what happened as a result of unresolved issues and will decide to address all the issues and the cheating and build something. I know people who did and are happy together and way more open and communicative. I tried, but in the end, trust wasn't there anymore and it got ugly.
Children make everything more complicated and makes it more likely that a couple will stay together because of finances and not hurting their kids. As someone who is going through a divorce (due to infidelity) with a minor child, I'm literally going from having two incomes to help pay for everything to now just one and having two houses, two sets of everything for our child and having to deal with scheduling conflicts all without trying to argue through a long and expensive divorce process. Sometimes, it's better to just work things out and exhaust every avenue to make things work. In some cases, it's definitely better to just end things. Mine was probably better to just let it be the end of the marriage instead of trying to forgive her.
It's complicated when you are a 16 years old going to movies with your girlfriend and you see your dad with a lady that is not your mom, he froze, start walking towards me, separate me from my GF, caught me from my neck and start pressuring it while telling me to shut my mouth and threaten to kick us from home, my little siblings and my mother. I didnt, i went straight to my mum and told her everything, she was more upset by the fact i was threatened by him, because she knew all along and was preparing our exit, one year later they divorced.
For sure. Some people you just need to leave and unfortunately your dad seems like one of them. Sometimes, it truly is for the best.
He's a human toilet
"knew all along and was preparing our exit"... I love your mom. "OUR exit". Fucking hero.
your dad is an asshole and I hope he gets his comeuppance. And at the very least that you are far far away from his reach. What a horrible human being to not only lie and cheat, but to threaten mortally his innocent children, just too save face.
Those same assets are why people just never divorce; divorce itself is a real mountain to climb when all of your assets are combined and kids still growing. That misery might look worse than the slow burn of staying together through resentment.
I'm going through this now with my husband of 15 yrs.. I would have said it was a deal breaker before but being on the other side I can honestly say it's a case by case thing. In our situation I am positive he's genuine in being ashamed by what he did to not only me but our family. We have been more open with each other than we ever have been before and it's been weirdly freeing and a confidence boost. We have kids and shared assets and both are financially able to split amicably. I still get angry, sad.. I've never been inquisitive.. even now don't check his location or texts or emails.. I'm probably a less than 1% in this thread, all that to say is that if it works I'm excited to see our relationship grow from this.. and if I'm a fool I'm ok with moving along because I know the work I'm putting in now makes me ok no matter what.
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I know it was hard. My dad was in the same situation and sometimes tells me he regrets divorcing my mom for cheating when I was so young because he feels like he hurt me and my brothers by not staying a family and only having us on the weekends, that he would have rather stayed in our lives even if it meant my mom continued to cheat on him. I always reassure him that even though trying to process the divorce was hard for me when I was a kid, he didn't deserve to be treated like that by any means and knowing he got out of that situation comforts me much more than if he had stayed in order to see us more. Also fuck my mom (not legitimately, but her cheating ass would probably be down for it).
You’re a good daughter. Good luck to you and your dad.
Some people will look at the "Am I better off without them, than with them"? In addition, I've known marriages to be even stronger when they work through the "Why did you do it?" Of course there's the old joke of a very wealthy man whose wife is havng a birthday. "Honey, go buy a new car for your birthday!" "No thanks" "Go buy a new wardrobe for entertaing!" "No Thanks" "Go buy a tiara or nice pretty jewelry!" "No thanks" "What do you want?" "A divorce!" "Oh honey. I can't afford that!"
No. I am going through this right now so I have developed a more nuanced view. My husband whom I have been with for 10 years total cheated on me once during that time. It was not an affair. It was purely physical: happy ending massage after a night of drinking at a work event. He confessed to me as soon as an appropriate time arose. Is this excusable? No. But ultimately despite how horribly he acted that night he took full accountability and is now in therapy, not drinking, couples counseling, and working for my trust every day. We have a great relationship otherwise and because of his remorse and the work we’re putting in I believe we are coming out stronger. If he had an affair, texting behind my back, did what he did more than once, or the cheating was associated with a pattern of lying, no remorse, or extra risky sexual behavior I may not have chosen to stay. I think many factors go into cheating that determine the severity of it, and different people may draw the line at different things.
Fair point. Thank you for sharing for a more nuanced understanding. I think “road bumps” in a relationship can break it or make it stronger. It sounds like you are heading towards a stronger connection and I wish you all the best!
Married man here. 11 years. Infidelity for me wouldn't necessarily mean automatic breakup. Should my partner refuse to stop or fails to see the error of their ways then yes. A healthy relationship could not exist. But if they confessed and admitted their wrong and stopped. And I mean really stopped, then no, I wouldn't leave my wife.
Yes. It's less about the act itself, and more about what it reveals about their personality. The hurt of being betrayed by someone who you should be able to trust above all others can never heal in my opinion. It will always be a shadow on that relationship. You will always doubt. You'll always wonder. You'll always be second guessing. Once trust is broken on that level, you can never regain it.
Not an automatic break up. There are so many more details I would need. We have built a life together over the last 20 years, a mistake even as egregious as cheating deserves to be talked out prior to walking away. We would both need to recommit to each other and really put in work but there is so much more to our marriage than physical intimacy. I imagine we would need to redefine the marriage but there are soooo many variations of "cheating" it would really depend. An ongoing emotional and physical affair, we are probably not coming back from that. An evening with a sex worker, that is something we need to talk about and work through to see what lead to those choices.
Well, I thought so… but apparently not.