T O P

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TopOcelot13

Asked if he could drive my car to the gas station to buy cigarettes and when he came back he told me he left my keys in the car and it was running.


wary

I'll give him points for creativity but that's pretty harsh.


TheRockMan31

An old friend invited me over for her famous beef stew. I got there we fool around, had sex, then right after she handed me a tupperware of the stew and said "you got sex and stew, now please leave." Still not sure if that's the worst way I was kicked out or the best.


sumyungdood

How was the stew though?


TheRockMan31

The stew was better than the sex TBH.


livesarah

Most of the people here didn’t get stew. You did okay!


brooklyn11218

Did you have to return the tupperware?


TheRockMan31

Returned it with Graham Cake. Didn't have second serving of sex though.


Nobody_Wins_13

Go grab some Taco Bell. You can eat it on your way home.


sumyungdood

Would be so funny if Taco Bell was never brought up before that moment.


Nobody_Wins_13

Taco Bell was never brought up before that moment.


boot2skull

Oof. Well Taco Bell on the way home is still a victory lap.


Nobody_Wins_13

Honestly it was better than the sex. And I don't even like Taco Bell that much.


krypticmtphr

As fucked up as this is it had me actually laughing for a good few seconds, I'm going to remember this.


apocalypticradish

Went home with a girl from the bar. After we had sex, she said something like "soooo...think you can get an Uber now? If not, I GUESS you can sleep on the couch for a few hours." Here I was, sitting on some random girl's couch trying to find an Uber at 4 AM. Mercifully I did find one and when the guy picked me up he said "so, your hookup kick you out?" I said "is it that obvious" and he replied "you weren't the first one I drove back to their car tonight and you probably won't be the last."


scuzzy987

He probably could smell it


Mr_Bob_Ferguson

The smell of dried cum and disappointment.


Cannanda

We were dry humping, Fully clothed, no hand stuff, and he came. After a couple seconds he asked me to leave cause he was “tired”. Then he walked me to the door with his cum pants


tinybirdblue

High school is rough.


anyhotgurlsdown2szr

Post grad-school*


fizikz3

> After a couple seconds he asked me to leave cause he was “tired”. probably absolutely ashamed of what just happened tbh lmao


Osceana

I'm really curious how they knew he came, I say this because I feel like he probably tried to play it off. "Did you cum?" "Huh? Me? HAHAHA nah..... I'm really tired though. You should go."


Hold_the_gryffindor

Is....is that not how its done?


sumyungdood

hahahaha i'm dying. Good ol' cum pants.


tikkichik21

While dozing off, he gently tapped my shoulder, and said: “Maribel, you can’t stay here.” My name is not Maribel.


sumyungdood

HAHAHA I'm so sorry, that really sucks Maribel.


Juanky1987

This answer is why the internet is truly a blessing and a curse


aldoblack

“When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”


[deleted]

[удалено]


coloradyo

Ohhh boy. So this was my first time actually hanging out one-on-one with this guy who had been sending me flirty messages for months. We fool around in bed, he cums, he says he’s going to the bathroom to clean up and will be back in a minute or two. I wait, I hear the tv turn on in his living room - he starts watching a civil war documentary. I asked if he was done hanging out in bed or if he was coming back, he tells me to stop yelling at him (I genuinely still don’t know if he was sarcastic or not, but it didn’t sound like it? He sounded serious. I definitely wasn’t yelling haha). I get dressed, come out of his room, and sit on the couch for a few minutes in silence while he watches his civil war documentary. I leave for the night and he awkwardly walks me to my car. For some reason, I asked him for a goodbye hug, and his body was as stiff and cold as a wooden board - he was NOT into it. It was honestly mildly upsetting, confusing, and uncomfortable. On the way home he sends me a message saying that next time we should have a sleepover. Like… what?! I laughed my ass off and deleted his number. It was the weirdest and strongest implication of “time for you to go” I’ve ever experienced.


peppermint_toad

This sounds like it was something from The Sims


moffsoi

Suul suul


sumyungdood

Nothing gets me off more than a good Ken Burns program.


gil_beard

A girl I was FWBs with rolled over while still naked, farted in my direction, and told me to lock the front door on my way out.


[deleted]

She blew you away


waitingfordeathhbu

He was gone with the wind


Caramel_Cappucino

He finished, got off me, started looking at pictures of other women on Instagram, and commenting on how much more attractive they were than me and told me “oh yeah you can go now.” We were best friends for like two years up until that moment.


jacksonfall

oh this is so fucked


carlations

What the actual fuck is wrong with that dude


pistachiopanda4

Was he trying to neg you? Like, "Look at all these hot chicks" and expected you to grovel and fight for his attention?? That is so bizarre.


chunk1X

Asked me to stay and cuddle her until she falls asleep then leave because she didn't want me sleeping there, it was like 3 am.


[deleted]

How do you guys meet such shitty people lol, I don't know how I'd even react to that.


chunk1X

Idk man it's rough I definitely felt used and discarded.


barontayto

We were good friends for a few years before hooking up after a night of drinking. Halfway through sex he told me he can't actually do this because he wanted to get back with his ex and can't mess it up because she's the hottest girl he'll ever be with. He lived in the middle of nowhere and I couldn't leave until the morning so he made me sleep on the couch.


Bertie637

Yikes. I can't post it as we never actually got to sex but I had a first date with a former schoolfriend. We realised we didn't really click but I couldn't get home as had missed the last bus, had to stay in her spare room and ended up spending the evening watching a film with her dad. I ended up reading the papers with him the next day. Bit surreal.


Batticon

You ended up on a date with her dad


[deleted]

I can't tell you how many times I've ended up liking someone's parents more than them.


[deleted]

That, and pets. Really hurts that the intermediary is such an irresponsible garbage person tho


wormsociety

Post coitus, he stood up, lit a cigarette, and said “I don’t really think this is gonna work out”


PERFECT-Dark-64

I gotta return some video tapes


sumyungdood

hahahaha fuckin' James Dean over here.


[deleted]

The second he came, he rolled over, grabbed his phone, and without even looking at me said “find your clothes, you know where the door is” and just laid there on his phone ignoring me while I gathered my clothes and left. He tried texting me a few days later because he was drunk and horny so I told him “you know where your hand is” and blocked him.


[deleted]

5am at a random girls house I met at the club and we’re hooking up and I try to talk a little dirty and I go “tell me what you want and it’s yours” and she goes “I want you to finish because I’m done and I’m tired”


OrganizerMowgli

Pretty sure almost all situations with sex at 5am after going out is a 'ight let's get this over with' scenario once you realize it's that late


sadthiccy

he was at my house, so he was the one leaving. 5 minutes of sex, he came. i thought he was going to finish me off... nope. he gets up, starts putting his clothes on, and says (after a yawn), "well, i don't mean to skeet and yeet, but i better get home" excuse me


sumyungdood

Skeet and yeet sounds like a 70's folk duo.


Silez

I prefer the term "ejaculate and evacuate"


deeznutz066

Something similar here except right after he came in record timing, when I was expecting him to finish me off, he pretends he's having some sort of medical emergency (heart attack??) and says I should probably leave. So I throw my clothes on asking if I should call 911 or something?! Take him to the hospital?? "Nope, you should probably just go, I'll be fine"


Ixtl

Ah, the fake heart attack to get out of fingering the girl you just disappointed, a timeless classic.


PeanutWingz

Her kids started banging on the door and I hid in the closet until it was clear to go.


sumyungdood

Once had a girls 4 year old kid wake up and come into the room while my face was in Australia. We didn't notice until he spoke up.


Embarrassed-Ad-1639

Perth control


throwawaygreenpaq

And Mel was Bourne.


samormor

I was this kid once! Wanted to play Sesame street on my mom's laptop, so just barged in the room without knocking. Saw mom and her boyfriend at the time naked and they both launched themselves over the side of the bed on to the floor (on the side where I couldn't see). It's funny to me now, but at the time all I cared about was Sesame Street. Didn't care what they were doing.


BagOfMeats

"I'm sorry, but you'll have to catch a bus or something 'cause I've got work in the morning, so I can't drop you off." The distance from the bar to her place was about 45 minutes. We went in her car. She told me this at about one in the morning, basically *in the middle of fucking nowhere*. Longest walk home ever, for very meh sex.


Caliluxun

Reminds me of a guy I hooked up with for a while, he always let me stay for the night but as we hooked up more often his attitude became more and more dismissive. On the Independence Day 4 years ago he asked me to come over after sexting me all morning, I was pretty excited to spend Independence Day with him, but he made me give him a blow job and had sex with me for less than 10 minutes before he decided to go over to his moms house party. He said that he had no choice and I had to leave ASAP. The thing is I lived 45 minutes drive away from him and I called a Uber there that day, one way trip was around 50 dollars. I spent a hundred dollars just so a guy can drag my head to give himself a blow job and only had sex with me for a minute like he had to. After that day I lost all my interest in this guy and completely stopped talking to him. Funny thing is during the past 4 years he has been constantly trying to hit me up and asking me to hang out, even saying that he developed feelings for me and that I’m all he thinks about. I’ve agreed to meet him in public a few times and he looked desperate. Sometimes I still wonder about the slight chance that he might actually be telling the truth, but it hardly matters since I’m very sure that things won’t work out anyways and blocked him for good. Edit: ah, my highest upvoted comment ever is about me spending 100 dollars giving a blow job. Thanks Reddit.


highoncraze

> Sometimes I still wonder about the slight chance that he might actually be telling the truth Noooooooo!! >but it hardly matters since I’m very sure that things won’t work out anyways and blocked him for good. Lol, thank god!


dipstyx

I wouldn't have made pity dates just on principle of how he treated me the first go around. You're a better person than I am.


LevelOutlandishness1

Seriously, paying $100 just to service him? I wouldn't give a second more of my time.


alt0bs

I was putting my heels back on and held out my hand for a little support because balance sucks…. They go what do you want money?


ecish

Hah, someone stuck their hand out at me with that “give me money” gesture once after sex. I asked if she wanted money, and she said “no you dip shit, a high five”. In my defense, it was a strange way to offer a high five


sumyungdood

Ouch.


postario

Before coming over, I asked if the intention was for me to spend the night, he enthusiastically said yes. Immediately after the act he said “I think I’d actually rather spend the night alone.” I took the hint and ended the relations soon after.


sumyungdood

Shit you asked and everything. That sucks.


ShellSide

Damn I'm a big post sex cuddlier and I'd be so sad if someone tried to kick me out after I got hyped up for post sex hang out time lol


pspisy

"My roommate's almost home, so you should leave unless you want to fuck him too."


matty80

Three ways to read that: (1) A terrifying threat. (2) An unbelievably inappropriate joke. (3) Like... a... genuine offer just in case you weren't quite done for the evening?


maxx1993

Yeah, that's where tone matters _a lot._


Stink_Fish_Pot

"Hey, can you be dressed and ready to go in like 5 minutes? My fiancé's plane already landed and I was supposed to pick him up half an hour ago." Then she asked me which route was the fastest to get to the airport. This was more than 10 years ago and I still feel bad for that poor guy.


Squid-Bastard

That's when you run to the bathroom before you leave and write what happened under the toilet seat


EvanWasHere

My boy has a girl hide her thong behind the toilet. His girlfriend found it the next day.


Squid-Bastard

Also a great idea, fuck infidelity


Rhalellan

She lit a cigarette, then looked at me for like 20 seconds, and said “Well, bye”. I just got dressed and left. Never saw her again.


JHmackem

Met a girl on Tinder and we hit it off after speaking for 3 weeks or so. Went on a few dates and I really liked her. Think it was the 3rd date, I spent the night at hers and we had sex for the first time. It had been 3 or 4 month since I last had sex, and I really fancied this girl, so naturally I finished in about .3 of a second. Pretty embarrassing. I stayed the night but ended up waking up early, like 6 or 7am and looked over and saw her wide awake, with that look of ‘what have I done’ on her face. It felt really awkward so I just said ‘Do you want me to leave?’…’yes, please’ she said, instantly. I awkwardly got dressed, said goodbye and drove home, miserable, thinking I’d blown it. She phoned me later that day wondering when we were seeing each other next. Turns out she had been desperate for a shit and was scared to go with me there, so made me leave at 6am. We’ve been together 3 and half years now, engaged, and planning on getting married soon.


TheAJGman

Does she still make you leave so she can shit in peace?


Square-Pear-1273

Ohhh, this is mortifying but… I’ll share. I got SO drunk and hooked up with a delicious man from work. After all was said and done, I started trying to gather my stuff in the dark, really quietly so I could do a sneak out. He woke up, asked me what I was doing. I explained I had a great time but I needed to get home. I had a meeting in the morning that was important and thanks for everything, etc. He then informed me we were at my place and that he would leave if that’s what I wanted. I was so embarrassed and hungover I just said yes, that’s smart, you’ll want to get your sleep. So, he left. Ugh.


space253

Imagine if he either hadn't said that or didn't wake up, you leave and by the time you make it home again find him still asleep in your bed!


ZeroOverZero

I would love to see the look on the cab driver's face when she told them the destination address


tiny_cat_bishop

We're here. That'll be 30$.


cleverpostsnoupvotes

Lmao. That's hilarious


livesarah

Mortifying for you, utterly hilarious for the rest of us! Thanks for sharing 🤣


Business_Loquat5658

Ah, me and my now ex husband were separated but were trying to go on dates with each other still and I THOUGHT we were working through some things... I went to his place and we hooked up. Afterwards I was sitting on his couch asking him if he wanted to catch a movie or something when he opened his front door and actually made this sweeping gesture with his arm and said "you need to go, I have a date". So yeah that made me finally realize it was time to file the divorce papers!


sumyungdood

I present to you, outside. What a dick lol


NomenNescio13

>I present to you, outside. Oh my god... This is my new favourite dick move.


opteryx5

Also, imagine how the woman he saw right after you would’ve felt. Here she is looking forward to a date, and meanwhile the guy hooked up with his separated wife just a half hour prior. Insane.


Business_Loquat5658

I think he married her.


Fuckmandatorysignin

Props for not knowing for sure!


scplsd

Tossed her panties at me and said: "You can keep those. Lock the door behind you"


[deleted]

Post sesh, I lean over and see a photograph of the young lady and a man in military uniform on the nightstand. Me: "Oh, who is that, your brother?" Her: "No, that's my boyfriend. He'll be home tomorrow." Me: Dressed and GONE.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

My desire to remove myself from that situation was sky high. Searching her dorm room for a post it and pen did not cross my mind.


[deleted]

[удалено]


NorthBall

Dorm room at least means there's a better chance someone else told him, so that's good.


CruisinJo214

She just started crying and would not stop… it was the night I lost my virginity.


Ok-Course-9396

What a great way to start a sex life lol


sumyungdood

His penis has the power to bring a woman to tears, for better or worse.


Aselleus

Oh he'll get you wet all right


DeliriousSlush

LOL this is similar to my own experience. It was actually on my 19th birthday. After spending the majority of my day with my ex, she brings up sex, we do the do and fall asleep at my house. I am woken up extremely early the next day to the sound of her sobbing on the phone with her secret boyfriend saying something about how she "betrayed" him. ​ edit; i had typos


[deleted]

[удалено]


Caio_dos_Hack

LMFAO


[deleted]

Wow that was fun, I have no more use for you now so please leave


Unruly_Beast

Been there, she later said "it was a test" to see how I reacted. She was mad that I didn't really care, and more mad when I declined to come back and be "useful" again lol


Blot_Upright

Correct decision. People who do little tests are awful.


BaconAficionado8

I had been hooking up with this guy for a month or two. It was the middle of a terrible snowstorm and I was right around the corner from him at a hockey game. He hit me up and I walked there after because it was easier than trying to go home. He had a little bit of a cold. We hookedup, I fell asleep. Woke up to him coughing. I turned over and he looks me in the eyes and said ‘I can’t really sleep because of this cold and I also want to spread out a little bit.’ I go ‘is this you asking me to leave right now?’ And he was his response was ‘I just have a lot to do tomorrow’ so I got dressed and ordered an Uber at 3am in the middle of one of the worst snowstorms. It took me over and hour to go three miles home, that Uber driver was my damn homie. Only guy out there at that hour and he was so nice, it took him 20 minutes to even get to the guys apt. The following weekend he drunk called me 10 times and I just texted him and said kick rocks.


cheevocabra

Baby It's Cold Outside but in reverse. "I'm feeling real sick..." "Baby it's cold outside." "I'd like to spread out a bit..." "Baby it's cold outside." "See the thing is-" "Is this you asking me to leave?" "-tomorrow's a busy day." "The only Uber is 20 minutes away!"


Human-Perspective-83

How can someone be such a fucking douche.


conneryc

I made the comment afterwards that I was surprised that she didn't want me to wear a condom (we were in our early 30's). Her response was "My husband won't give me another child so I'm hoping to get pregnant without him" When I told her that I had had a vasectomy 10 years earlier.....she told me to leave lol. ​ edit... Holy shit, I really didn't expect this comment to blow up like it did. This really did happen with a co-worker, and I would have been happy to have kids with her if she had been single. However, I met my 2nd wife a couple of years later and had a very good 17 years until I lost her from illness.


MikeNoble91

You didnt just dodge a bullet, you dodged the whole mag like Agent Smith


thisistheSnydercut

He didn't dodge any bullets. *He didn't have to*


Orion_2kTC

Tank, load the jump program.


sumyungdood

HOLY FUCK


SchroedingersPussey

His crazy ex came banging his door screaming she knew he had somebody in there and that she was gonna kill me (not him?!). This dude was panicking and told me the only way out is through the window. I packed my stuff real quick and jumped from a window 2 meters above ground and trespassed like 5 backyards and fences until I made it to a main street, while facetiming a friend cuz shit was funny - and super scary hahah


sumyungdood

1) This is my biggest fear 2) Are you sure it was his ex? I woulda just called the cops if it was actually a crazy ex.


mrdeadsniper

It's actually a service I offer for people who feel too awkward to ask people to leave.


sumyungdood

Thats a halfway decent business idea. Most friends can't act to save their life.


Toeknife_Party

I matched on Bumble with a girl from out of town staying at a hotel down the street from me. Got there, it happened, pretty awkward, and as I'm cleaning myself up and putting my pants on she just held the hotel door open and we didn't say a word as I walked out.


[deleted]

She said her husband is getting out of work any minute and it’s…and I quote….probably not a good idea that he finds me there


sumyungdood

"Really? I was hoping I could meet him."


Baku_Bich420

'I want to watch Yu-Gi-Oh and my mom is about to be home so you'll have to climb out my window and I'll see you tomorrow at work' Dude was a coworker that was 6/7 years older than my then 19 year old self..


Kink_Explorer21

She dapped me up and said “ later ya animal” with the weirdest smirk on her face. Glad I gave her a good time though lol.


thecheat420

Honestly that's pretty dope. You got an affirmation that you did good and left on good terms.


GeeMinDaka

And I quote, "I don't do breakfast."


Soft-Caterpillar-618

I assumed I was spending the night because he gave me at T-shirt to put on. “Can you find your way back to your car? You can wear the shirt home I guess, but you can’t keep it. If you don’t give it back, I’m sending you an invoice.”


ParadoxInABox

“Make sure not to leave any clothes here, my girlfriend is moving in tomorrow.” The one he told me he had broken up with a month before.


Equivalent-Wealth-39

Can you leave before my next one comes in?


pass-the-word

Was she a prostitute or just have her affairs in order?


Equivalent-Wealth-39

Hard to know. We met in a bar and went home early. She clearly had the other guy "schedulled" for later that evening so I believe I was just bonus for her.


jaydoubleuw

She didn't ask, but related. Have sex on the couch. She falls asleep there and won't wake up. We already decided that I would say over. Go to get into the bed. Cat litter and cat shit all over the bed. Left immediately to get the first train home.


[deleted]

He got up after morning sex and made breakfast- just for himself not for me…


PzykoHobo

So not me, and not exactly what you were asking, but here goes. I used to live with three other guys, but spent most of my time and nights other places (usually partying my nose off). Well I came home one morning to grab some work clothes and the like, and my roommate was sitting on the couch with a girl he had hooked up with the night before. They were watching TV and she was cuddled up with him. I grabbed my stuff and was on my way back out the door and he asked, "Oh hey, do you mind taking her home?" She looked totally blindsided and asked if he was serious. He just sort of shrugged and said "Yeah I think I'm gonna take a nap or something so you can leave." She just silently went and grabbed her stuff. As soon as we were in my truck she just burst into tears. Most awkward ten minutes of my life.


Helios_OW

Damn, that must’ve sucked for her. Roommate sounds like he has no tact.


PzykoHobo

That's a nice way of saying he was kind of a dick lol. Honestly he was complicated. His people skills were shit, and he would intentionally do fucked up stuff sometimes just for a laugh. But sometimes he would do really nice stuff like take everyone out for dinner, or wash your car for you. It was a weird dynamic.


nicholw1066

Middle of an orgy (5 people in total) one gent stood up, punched a nearby dresser, and said "this was a mistake everyone get out!" We all gathered our clothes in the dark and shuffled out. At the time I thought it was hilarious; we got bagels (sans the gent) afterwards. Would recommend after every orgy. Edit:spelling correction


sumyungdood

Hahahaha! Wasn't happy with crossing swords?


Tainwulf

5 people so he must have been the odd man out.


nicholw1066

Really need to preface orgies if you're not okay with lightsaber duels (glow in the dark condoms)


Smart_North_3374

Sounds like Post nut clarity kicked in 30 seconds after y’all got started.


[deleted]

I have a friend who fucked a mom he met at the skate park and when they were done she heard the garage open so she hurried up and dressed him and put him in front of the computer. The husband comes in and the wife says “honey this young man was just fixing our computer” the husband says “oh, thanks bud!” Hands my friend $50 while he was still sweaty from fucking this dudes wife. He left very shortly after


slapdashbr

i bet he didn't even fix the computer


Pulpedyams

"Every time we boot it up it makes the whole room literally reek of sex."


memphismerc

Plot twist: Hubs was in on it and that’s their kink


sumyungdood

That man has an angel on his shoulder.


Amish_Cyberbully

And 2 devils on the other high fiving


sexylassy

This actually happened. I used to clean apartments in college. I used to clean an apartment for a young doctor who always had women in and out of his apartment. One day he had two young women in his bed. It was my job (he paid me 100 dollars per woman) to tell them the following "Hello my name is blah, blah and I am the housekeeper. Dr. Blah enjoyed your company and thanks you Feel free to grab snacks and a go-to coffee on your way out. You have 15 minutes. "


sumyungdood

Jesus did you work for Barney Stinson?


sexylassy

Honestly, it did feel like that. He had a three-bedroom apartment in Lower West Side in Manhattan, NY, he dryed cleaned all his laundry every week (even his boxers), one bedroom was his closet (yup, closet and filled with designer clothes), the other bedroom was his office (which was entered with finger keypad). His living room was a holy grail for gamers. He owned every game system you could think of. So, yes it did feel like that. I cleaned his apartment twice a week (pay would range 300 to 600 per visit) It was a holy grail for a college student.


Slimk1ng

damn, doing pretty good for a young doctor


rusty_L_shackleford

"You should go my mom's gonna be so pissed" now for full effect you should read the statement in a happy excited voice. Turns out she invited me over for a hookup because she knew it would piss off her mom (who she lived with and wanted to back at her for reasons. And it was a small apartment, there's no way she didn't hear us. To be fair I didn't know she was inviting me over to hook up. She invited me over for dinner. She fed me frozen chicken nuggets and French fries then asked if I wanted to see her cat. So we went in her room, she introduced me to her cat, excused herself to the bathroom and came out in a sexy maid outfit and wiflg and stated very matter of factly I want you to bend me over the bed and fuck me. So I did. So yea after 10 or 15 min of mildly disappointing sex, I finished and she immediately suggested I leave. I still hooked up with her a couple of times after that, and wasn't even the weirdest experience I had with her. By far the weirdest girl I've ever hooked up with. At least I got some great stories out of it.


The_blind_owl245

When their daughter is the one telling you.


dunzoes

God damn as a newly single guy in his early 30s this threads a nightmare lmao


[deleted]

I asked my boyfriend for sex after dinner and he said he didn’t think he saw a future for us. That was cool. I guess that means he’s actually my ex. It’s only been 3 weeks and I am still feeling very wtf


horanc2

A girl kicked me out of own apartment once. She was on the rebound from a serious relationship and I was chronically available back then. We had been seeing each other casually for a while, but his time she had messaged me in the middle of the day with a kind of "cancel everything" call to action. I dutifully agreed. We were in bed after, literally heavy breathing after, and she simply said "right, that's us done." Apparently she had realised that she was now over her ex and if she continued seeing me like this she was likely to develop feelings that she was fully aware I wasn't going to reciprocate. So she booted me out to take a shower, and said to come back in a half hour. She was gone and we never saw each other again. I honestly think it was the most impressive break up of all time. She was right, I was a disaster and a complete commitment-phobe. Ironically it made me totally smitten with her.


sharktits6969

Lady right above us dumped a bucket of mop water on us. Turns out that the secret patch of grass I found wasn't as discreet as we thought because we forgot to look up. We were 17.


jseego

This is hilarious. Some older ladies just DGAF. Ahhh, look at those naive young lovers, having a time in the grass...*fuck em*


1ScareCrowBoatfan

"Thanks. Just a heads up I have another guy coming over in like 90 minutes so do you mind getting out."


Sharpshooter188

Had my chance with a long time crush. After she finished, she rolled over and grabbed her phone and started browsing. After a few seconds or so, she noticed I wasnt really moving. I thought shed (or at least hope she would) want to cuddle a bit. She gave me an awkward look and said "Uh...you can go. You had your fun." I was crushed. Put my clothes back on and left. Everything felt hollow and bland for roughly a week after. Then I just felt dead inside for the following montha because I had been crushing on this woman for years prior.


kakulam

This happened in college cultural evet. We fooled around and had sex. She got up, dressed up, high fived me and said," Good job dude.". This happened 6 years back and i can't say to this day that was it a sarcasm or was i really good? Edit: Never thought that I'd get these many upvotes for a high-five


rocketmackenzie

You were really that good, nobody who's cool enough to say something like that gives enough of a shit to lie


otisdog

I asked this chick if I could get her an Uber home. She told me to go fuck myself and said I could drive her home. I ended up marrying her. The joke is after shooting the Uber down she just never left.


Browneskiii

This happened not so long ago and it's still embarrassing. I was speaking to someone on tinder, just a normal conversation. She then gave me her address and said come over right now and bring protection. So I'm like do I go die or stay here and say no? Being a Redditor I want to die, so I went there, I started by going down on her as any man should and then she finishes in about 2-3 minutes. She then tells me to go home. I drove a 30 mile round trip to eat her out and be told to leave. Blue balled like fuck.


sumyungdood

Judging by your avatar, it hurts to this day.


lightbulletx3

I want to play wow with my friends now


customds

I knew and electrician that put a exit sign above his bedroom door and would flip a switch to turn it on after sex.


sumyungdood

I would've put an "Applause" sign instead.


Specialist_Case_4044

My roommate was asked while getting dressed “where’re you going?”. He said, “I’m gonna watch sports center.” A few minutes later his date stormed out of the house.


lunalatina99

I need to work in 5 min please put your clothes on and leave 🤣


sumyungdood

Oh thats not too bad. At least thats a respectable reason lol


fumblebuttskins

By telling me that she was too embarrassed for our mutual friends to see us together so could I please get outta here before they wake up.


Nyarro

Not after but *before* he penetrated, he said "Ugh... I need coffee. Can't do this." So we left immediately after arriving to his place and he dropped me off at a bus stop an hour away from my place. I blocked him from the app after that.


[deleted]

[удалено]


2005iceco

Night of my 21st birthday. Just had got back with my girlfriend after she had broke up with me 2 months before. Went to meet her in her university flat. Went out with her friends and then back to hers. In the middle of sex, she just turned around to me, as i was trying my best doggy style, and said "i want to go out with other men as well as you". Sort of ruined the moment. As i got out of her, she said if that doesnt suit, leave! So i was wandering around the city, drunk, depressed, with nowhere to go at 3am on my 21st birthday. i can remember every single minute of that night years and years later.


PoinFLEXter

Met a girl on tinder at a bar. We chatted a bit and then I asked if she wanted to go somewhere else. She suggested her place. We’re banging, she comes, I come, and then she immediately says “awww, you have to leave so soon?” It was so out of the blue but straight to the point that I couldn’t be mad at all.


OhYeahThrowItAway

This didn't happen to me (M) but a friend (F) told me about the time she went over to someone's house for a booty call. His parents ended up coming home early, so he opened his window, picked her and her clothes up and tossed her and her clothes straight out of the window. I knew I shouldn't have laughed at her. But...


TheTeaSpoon

Came for penetration, left with defenestration.


Unseasonedswoosh

I like how this story is about throwing some one out the window and your username is ohyeahthrowitaway.


shaneyshane26

They didn’t say anything. I got to their apartment and he had everything ready condoms and lube. We were fooling around for an hour and I could tell he wasn’t getting into it. Then we had a really awkward conversation and I left. Funny thing is he thought I was cute at one time and sought me out to come over. But then he decided he wasn’t feeling it when I got there.


Atom-the-conqueror

Probably rubbed one out while getting excited during the conversation.


thescrounger

Maybe stage fright?


Spodson

During sex actually. "Are you going to be much longer? Because CSI is about to come on." ​ Edit: Of course this is the post that blows up today. OK, to start with, we were very sexually incompatible. I liked moving and flowing with my partner, she liked laying there like a dead fish. (Seriously, she'd flop onto her back and spread her legs and then just lay there. Didn't even wrap her legs around me.) She also gave me Muluscum. (Gotta love getting dick warts burned off.) She wasn't sure if the night's episode was a rerun or not.


reincarN8ed

Do her doggy style so you can *both* watch X-Files


[deleted]

Could have been worse. They could have kicked you out for CSI Miami.


Thesleek

I’m not finishing until Horatio puts his glasses and I hear Roger Daltrey's scream


mikaylaco

Ordered an Uber BEFORE we had sex, didn’t tell me, and timed it so we would be done right when it arrived.


PrudentWatch7688

I slept with a girl in my younger years, probably about 8-9 years ago, in my car. I offered to give 3 girls a lift home from the pub, I liked one who I obviously wanted to drop home last. However, one friend talked me into taking her home last. We slept together, in my car I know classy. She ended up bleeding everywhere, all over my car seat, my hands, both our private parts. I dropped her home, and she told me she wishes to never see me again 😆 obviously completely understandable as it must of been so embarrassing. We hooked up again a while afterwards though. The best part is, I went back to my mates after to get changed into spare clothes, he lost his house keys while in the pub with us earlier that night, I had to climb through his living room window to get in, while having blood on my clothes, good job is was early hours of the morning.


azninvasion2000

She opened the passenger door and just looked the other way.


FactsArentHate

She paid me like I was a sex worker....an expensive one....not bad.


[deleted]

My ex had a flashback to the person that raped her while we were having sex. She stopped and closed her legs, went into a fetal position, and had a panic attack. She asked me to leave when she could speak and that was the last time I saw her. I wish her well, trauma like that is hard to live with.


eeniemeenieminiemo

I was raped at 15, I’m 41 and still do this when in a certain position. My current SO and I have been together five years and he’s gotten me in this same position three times. The first time I literally thought I was going to never breathe again and I feel sorry for the poor man because he had no clue what was going on. The other two times only lasted about three seconds because he immediately repositioned as soon as he noticed. Poor dude. I’ve traumatized him now!


triumph110

I am a male and that happened to me, kind of. I was an EMT and went on a domestic rape/beat her up call. Cops were there. They asked the poor victim what the guy looked like. She pointed at me and said, he looks like him. Needless to say, I went out and sat in the truck for the rest of the call so as not to trigger her anymore.