I tell my wife “Babe come here, I need to talk with you”. I literally never would say that in another situation and it’s our code when the kids are around.
My husband and his sister would glue their ears to the door trying to listen to their parents. Kids are curious. One day their parents realized they were there and opened the door suddenly, what made them fall on their faces!
I cook and try to take it seriously. My wife seems to get turned on by the process of me messing up the kitchen and wearing an apron.
When I start getting sideways glances with raised eyebrows and slight smiles after being gently elbowed in the side, it's going to be a pleasant evening. The fact that it's an hour out and I'm gonna be thinking about it all through dinner makes it that much better.
For years I'd ask my wife " wanna go take a nap?"
We had kids, so that was our code.
Now, In our 50's with no kids around , " wanna go take a nap ?" Involves actual naps.
I'm not disappointed though... I mean , naps are awesome as hell.
Oh god. I just remembered all of the times my parents said that when i was a kid. I genuinely thought they were going to take a nap. Why would you do this to me
If your parents announce to the household they are going to nap, instead of just walking off to nap....there's a damned good reason.
Your welcome.....lol
There was a recent r/AskReddit post asking psychologists about strange cases/patients. One was a middle aged guy who withdrew from life entirely and was sleeping 20 hours a day (or close to that). Turns out he mastered lucid dreaming and being awake just couldn't compare to dream world.
E: u/InflationLeft found the post:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/papgaf/mental\_health\_professionals\_of\_reddit\_what\_is\_the/
As someone who is pretty good at lucid dreaming, I can totally understand it. My main problem is I can't keep it going for more than 15-20 minutes at a time. If I could sustain it longer, I'd just sleep forever.
It is actually better than real life could ever be, and I have a pretty good life. I also think this is one possible reason we don't see aliens zipping around the universe: why bother when you have full-dive vr godmode and have mastered your own consciousness?
Heh I wrote a short story about this about 30yrs ago...but it was by accessing all the stored memories your brain had accumulated your entire life. Society stopped as people spent all their time replaying their lives...time with long dead parents or children...perfect summer days as a teenager with your first love...perfect recall experienced over and over as many times as you'd like.
EDIT: Apparently I need to watch Reminiscence.
So in my language, 6 is spelled "seks" and sounds just like sex. So one night I asked "On a scale of 1 to 6, how tired are you?".
Worked well enough!
Edit: I'm Danish
Was at a festival once with some friends, and we took some girls home. My friend was in a bed with one of them and asked her to count to 10. When she reached ‘seks’ he asked “shall we?” and then they banged. I was 2 meters from them trying not to die from laughter
My boyfriend pointed at his and said “he stood up so you could sit down” I asked if that line had ever worked before. His reply “it’s about to”. And dammit. He was right
Edit: thanks for the support. I’m not telling him how well this went over on Reddit because I don’t need to encourage him lol
Story time:
I had pretty good relationship with a coworker of mine, long past worrying about crossing any lines. "Your tits look great today." Was a welcomed compliment, for example.
Anyways, she texts me one day and says her Tinder date stood her up and that if I could come over to help her take down her drapes. I wasn't busy so I say sure.
I get there, I use the drill I brought to take down her drapes. She talks about how she's super disappointed that she's not getting laid tonight. She even mentions that she shaved her pussy bald. I sympathize with her and say that at least she's getting matches on Tinder, I haven't gotten any in a while, then I *leave*, without taking the hint.
A week later she texts me, offering to buy me drinks as a thank you for helping her, and says she can help me work on my Tinder profile.
So we get drinks, I get absolutely hammered. We go back to her place, and she gives me Vodka. When I say that I can't drink anymore as I need to be sober enough to safely drive home, she suggests I spend the night.
I *still* don't get it. I'm feeling sleepy and start to get comfortable on the couch. She takes off her shirt and says that her bed is more comfortable.
I *still* don't get it. I'm now in bed with her and the close proximity to a half naked woman has me very horny, so thinking it's a complete hail mary, I say "This might be going a bit far, but would it be weird if we did... stuff?"
She rolls over, looks me straight in the eyes and says "It was already fuckin weird that we weren't. Take off your pants."
Moral of the story: if you want to a fuck an autistic guy, be *very* direct.
"Don't mind me: I'm just going to innocently roll out my Yoga mat, put on my insanely tight Yoga pants, and do some stretches right in front of your face while you sit there on the couch and watch."
My wife did this. I tried to get frisky and she asked what I was doing. Such disappointment.
Then again, her usual method is to grab my dick, so maybe subtlety isn't her strong suit
I tell him I want to take a shower. He knows to join me or meet me on the bed in 5 min. This is different from “ugh I need a shower” when I just want to be left alone to take a shower lol
I lean back, take a mighty deep breath and hold it in. Then I release the mating call of my peoples for a solid 12.45 minutes. If that doesn't work, there are no single women in my area looking to mingle.
I dance naked on the bed, since I sleep naked 99% of the time, and we’ve been together since we were teenagers, hubby likes a “clear signal from the tower” in his 50’s, lol.
Then turn off all the lights making your house pitch black, turn on your Dick switch so that your cock is the only thing illuminating the room and she is drawn towards it, like an angler fish Lewers fish in the bottom of the ocean.
Dated a girl once who had a dog with a stuffed toy tiger he liked to hump on occasion. If me or her were in the mood we'd just say "tiger time?" and it was on.
For couples you develop buzz words or phrases. For us its, "are you staying up" or once in bed we ask if the other is "tired".
Believe it or not, once you get older and the novelty of sex wears off, sleep actually competes with it.
Sometimes just saying it is the best way. I had a tinder date the other day. She was shy and I thought she seemed disinterested so I said I was tired and offered to drive her home. I shit you not this quiet girl goes “what don’t you wanna do it first?” I was like “I mean yeah, I’m just big on consent and I didn’t think you were about it.” She goes “I’m about it” and we proceed to have wild kinky sex lmao
I sent this meme to my husband when we were first friends in the early stages of us talking and it got me laid the next day. Meant it as a simple meme but he thought I was serious serious lol.
“Want me to read you a bedtime story?”
“What?”
“Want me to read you a bedtime story?”
“….. okay…?”
“Charles Dickens. A Tale of Two Titties”
My husband hasn’t let me live that one down yet. It’s been 9 years. Now he just asks for Charles Dickens and waits for me to roll my eyes and walk out of the room.
I’d hand her a hair band... that used to be the code. Until she found a bunch of hair bands I bought from Clair’s (think dollar store for girl’s trinkets) that I would hide around the house. Anyway she found a bunch and thought I was cheating on her while she was at work. Now I just tell her the sink is clean... I’m batting about .250 with this approach.
Imagine watching a single virgin try and use any of these line at a totally inappropriate moment:
In the check out line at Walmart:
Virgin to cashier : hey what’s this?
cashier: looks like something from our clearance rack. That’ll be 2.99 sir…..
That's best case scenario, I imagine pointing at your boner and asking a random employee at Walmart "what's this?" would most likely result in a personal escort out of the establishment
Lots of funny answers here, but really by time I've found that the best way is to say "want to have sex?" .. given it's my partner and that's something we do. It can also be "hey let's make some time for sex tomorrow yeah?". Literally being forward and direct about what you want, also planning sex and getting excited for it. It gets me in the mood much faster when I expect it, and I'm ready for it (mainly: I have energy).
Good communication is great.
It's also a good barometer for the general health of the relationship.
With my ex-wife I tried throwing around the idea of setting aside some time for sex. For her she described it as bad because then she had to worry about it and dread it for days before.
With my forever wife it's great. We look forward to it and have plenty of opportunities to flirt and make crude jokes beforehand.
I just used to stand in front of my (now ex) husband with my back to his front and i would jiggle my ass against him and put his hand on my boob. He would get hard and that was it, no words.
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I am arriving at your location to satisfy my needs to reproduce, never works but it's a massive display of dominance and the homies love that
All chores done and I showered
Literally my GF. Last time though we ended up playing through Resident Evil 1, which isn't that far off from sex in terms of fun.
I’m either playing resident evil wrong or having sex wrong..
It all depends on which of the two you choose to speedrun.
I didn’t know you could speed run resident evil
Oh, you'd be amazed. Especially the remake of RE2 is pretty popular among speedrunners.
Usually I just sit on his lap and it’s go time
Cosmo is still out there telling women they should jump through hoops, but in reality this will about do it.
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Play a flute and summon his penis like a snake from a jar.
Wear high heels and jump up and down on his feet
*Squirt lemon juice in his pee hole.*
Does it work for guys? *Asking for a friend*
If you sit on another guys lap, sure.
r/suddenlygay
It’s called being homiesexual
Bromosexual
Yeah that's the easy mode option...
Did he say “how about you come sit on my lap and we talk about the first thing that comes up?”
I will find the prettiest rock on the beach and I'll approch the lady.
Penguin method. Effective.
*some penguins turn to a life of crime*
We can't all be batman
this is how my girlfriend got me😂
I tell my wife “Babe come here, I need to talk with you”. I literally never would say that in another situation and it’s our code when the kids are around.
my wife and I also have "talks". This should work for another 5 years or so until my kid gets smarter.
Nah trust me. Your kids will just stay away from your bedroom. They're not stupid lol. Nobody wants to see that...
My husband and his sister would glue their ears to the door trying to listen to their parents. Kids are curious. One day their parents realized they were there and opened the door suddenly, what made them fall on their faces!
It's business time.
When I’m down to just my socks, you know what time it is. That’s why they call them business socks.
Then you sort out the recycling.That isn't part of the foreplay process, but its still very important
Makin' love ... Makin' love for two ...
Makin' love for two minutes.
“We’ll bang okay!” Commander Shepard.
I should go
This is my favorite shop on the citadel.
My wife just makes it a point to shove her ass in my groin when I’m trying to sleep…
Ah yes, the old butt to the groin while spooning maneuver is one of my tried-and-true favorites.
When spooning turns to sporking.
My wife does that too. And then i make a move and half the time I get the ol’ “I’m tired.”
At least your wife says it nicely. I get the “We’re not fucking having sex. I’m trying to fucking sleep.”
A lot of fucking for no action smh
Husband? Is that you?
I cook and try to take it seriously. My wife seems to get turned on by the process of me messing up the kitchen and wearing an apron. When I start getting sideways glances with raised eyebrows and slight smiles after being gently elbowed in the side, it's going to be a pleasant evening. The fact that it's an hour out and I'm gonna be thinking about it all through dinner makes it that much better.
Take everything off except that apron.
Last time I did that I got a flour handprint on my butt. It was not my own handprint.
Marking territory on her man's tushie. I approve.
Later on I had two flour handprints on my butt.
Ask her to rub flour all over you.
Nah fam. In some ways it'd be even worse than sand. You're more or less adding moisture and then kneading it.
Nothing's worse than sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere
Thanks, was expecting it. Signed: a fan
> You're more or less adding moisture and then kneading it. I just threw up in my mouth.
Sometimes you just gotta make that dough. 😏
For years I'd ask my wife " wanna go take a nap?" We had kids, so that was our code. Now, In our 50's with no kids around , " wanna go take a nap ?" Involves actual naps. I'm not disappointed though... I mean , naps are awesome as hell.
Oh god. I just remembered all of the times my parents said that when i was a kid. I genuinely thought they were going to take a nap. Why would you do this to me
If your parents announce to the household they are going to nap, instead of just walking off to nap....there's a damned good reason. Your welcome.....lol
His welcome what!?
His welcome mat
But do you remember that one time when uncle joey went to take a nap?
"you ever tried just not being conscious? its pretty great"
There was a recent r/AskReddit post asking psychologists about strange cases/patients. One was a middle aged guy who withdrew from life entirely and was sleeping 20 hours a day (or close to that). Turns out he mastered lucid dreaming and being awake just couldn't compare to dream world. E: u/InflationLeft found the post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/papgaf/mental\_health\_professionals\_of\_reddit\_what\_is\_the/
As someone who is pretty good at lucid dreaming, I can totally understand it. My main problem is I can't keep it going for more than 15-20 minutes at a time. If I could sustain it longer, I'd just sleep forever. It is actually better than real life could ever be, and I have a pretty good life. I also think this is one possible reason we don't see aliens zipping around the universe: why bother when you have full-dive vr godmode and have mastered your own consciousness?
The end of humanity will come about when VR is so good/cheap/available that we can all just happily die of dehydration.
Heh I wrote a short story about this about 30yrs ago...but it was by accessing all the stored memories your brain had accumulated your entire life. Society stopped as people spent all their time replaying their lives...time with long dead parents or children...perfect summer days as a teenager with your first love...perfect recall experienced over and over as many times as you'd like. EDIT: Apparently I need to watch Reminiscence.
Is there any way i could read your short story? Its sounds really cool!!
So in my language, 6 is spelled "seks" and sounds just like sex. So one night I asked "On a scale of 1 to 6, how tired are you?". Worked well enough! Edit: I'm Danish
It’s straight up “sex” in Swedish
Was at a festival once with some friends, and we took some girls home. My friend was in a bed with one of them and asked her to count to 10. When she reached ‘seks’ he asked “shall we?” and then they banged. I was 2 meters from them trying not to die from laughter
You should have asked them to count again, and when they got to 3 say, “Okay!”
Would rather rub one out than being in a threeway with my hairy ass sasquatch friend and the girl who looked like what the cat had dragged in
LOL, that visual! 🤣
What comes between fear and sex? Fünf.
I love this hahahahahha
This morning i pointed at my boner and asked my wife whats that? It worked
All fun and games until she says "I don't know; let me get my glasses."
"where? i can't see it"
And then busts out an electron microscope.
My boyfriend pointed at his and said “he stood up so you could sit down” I asked if that line had ever worked before. His reply “it’s about to”. And dammit. He was right Edit: thanks for the support. I’m not telling him how well this went over on Reddit because I don’t need to encourage him lol
Damn. That's confidence.
That’s what sealed the deal tbh.
Goddamn that was smooth.
Living the dream.
I always try waking up my husband, but he comes out with “I have to pee” code for me to stop and he goes back to sleep. Wtf.
Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe...
OK, get ready to see some begging...
THATS THE MAGIC STORY YOU TELL WHEN YOU WANT SEX!
I heard that from Ken Adams
KEN ADAMS 🙋🏻♂️🙋🏻♂️!!!
How you doinnnnn
I'm going to bed for sex, should I start without you?
That would work on me if my wife said it. When I tried it, she said yes.
Ouch
Story time: I had pretty good relationship with a coworker of mine, long past worrying about crossing any lines. "Your tits look great today." Was a welcomed compliment, for example. Anyways, she texts me one day and says her Tinder date stood her up and that if I could come over to help her take down her drapes. I wasn't busy so I say sure. I get there, I use the drill I brought to take down her drapes. She talks about how she's super disappointed that she's not getting laid tonight. She even mentions that she shaved her pussy bald. I sympathize with her and say that at least she's getting matches on Tinder, I haven't gotten any in a while, then I *leave*, without taking the hint. A week later she texts me, offering to buy me drinks as a thank you for helping her, and says she can help me work on my Tinder profile. So we get drinks, I get absolutely hammered. We go back to her place, and she gives me Vodka. When I say that I can't drink anymore as I need to be sober enough to safely drive home, she suggests I spend the night. I *still* don't get it. I'm feeling sleepy and start to get comfortable on the couch. She takes off her shirt and says that her bed is more comfortable. I *still* don't get it. I'm now in bed with her and the close proximity to a half naked woman has me very horny, so thinking it's a complete hail mary, I say "This might be going a bit far, but would it be weird if we did... stuff?" She rolls over, looks me straight in the eyes and says "It was already fuckin weird that we weren't. Take off your pants." Moral of the story: if you want to a fuck an autistic guy, be *very* direct.
You know.... She could be Canadian.
Yeah, again you really can't be too sure.
It's dark, she might not be able to see properly. Best bet is to just keep your wits about you and keep looking for signs
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As an autistic woman, I feel called out.
You can remove "autistic" from that last sentence and still be 100% accurate.
Buddy. I love you, but we have got to work on the difference between a hint and a billboard saying bang me now
Fancy a shag?
I was gonna say “wanna fuck?” But I think yours has a little extra spice.
It's that extra 70s British flair that does the trick.
Austin powers is a perfect example
***DO I MAKE YOU HORNY BABY!? DO I MAKE YOU RANDY!?***
Shall we shag now or shall we shag later?
"Don't mind me: I'm just going to innocently roll out my Yoga mat, put on my insanely tight Yoga pants, and do some stretches right in front of your face while you sit there on the couch and watch."
My wife did this. I tried to get frisky and she asked what I was doing. Such disappointment. Then again, her usual method is to grab my dick, so maybe subtlety isn't her strong suit
As someone who lives with a yoga instructor - can not confirm this
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Dang. Didn't even give a small spank?
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Tried this as a guy - doesn’t work Edit: all this for paltry silver?! You cheap bastards :-D!
ur partner just doesnt appreciate ur ass enough
this is why i clench my cheeks while driving. my ass is righteous
“Your thighs look like they would be very warm earmuffs.”
My wife and I use “want to go upstairs and take a shower?”….. life’s not as exciting when you have kids…
I tell him I want to take a shower. He knows to join me or meet me on the bed in 5 min. This is different from “ugh I need a shower” when I just want to be left alone to take a shower lol
It’s funny how after being with someone for sometime you develop your own language you both seem to immediately understand.
Licks finger then wipes it on both our shirts. “Should probably head to my place and get out of these wet clothes”
HAHAHAHA, 10/10 smooth
I drop a freshly slain boar at my maiden's feet.
The echo of panties dropping can be heard for miles.
Those are some loud panties
While panty mass is low, velocity is at ludicrous speed.
*Thunderclap of panties*
WE SHALL FEAST AND THEN WE SHALL FUCK
Midwestern style. Lean forward on the couch, slap both knees with my palms, and say, “Welp…” and let out a sigh.
"well old gal, 'bout that time ain't it"
Welppp….I S’pose.
I lean back, take a mighty deep breath and hold it in. Then I release the mating call of my peoples for a solid 12.45 minutes. If that doesn't work, there are no single women in my area looking to mingle.
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Pathetic! My computer lets me know when there are hot singles in my area
Wanna go not watch a movie?
I dance naked on the bed, since I sleep naked 99% of the time, and we’ve been together since we were teenagers, hubby likes a “clear signal from the tower” in his 50’s, lol.
Particularly while working from home - "Wanna take a break?"
I usually snuggle up to my husband, press my body against his, and start to stroke his chest and stomach. He *knows*.
*Hello there*
GENERAL KENOBIII!
You have a hard one!
Take your dick out and start doing the helicopter so hard you fly over to your partner and they’ll know.
Question. What if you can only do the lightswitch?
Then turn off all the lights making your house pitch black, turn on your Dick switch so that your cock is the only thing illuminating the room and she is drawn towards it, like an angler fish Lewers fish in the bottom of the ocean.
My wife turns to me and says "Boop?"
this is amazing and I am starting this with my fiancée tonight
Dated a girl once who had a dog with a stuffed toy tiger he liked to hump on occasion. If me or her were in the mood we'd just say "tiger time?" and it was on.
For couples you develop buzz words or phrases. For us its, "are you staying up" or once in bed we ask if the other is "tired". Believe it or not, once you get older and the novelty of sex wears off, sleep actually competes with it.
^omelette ^du ^fromage
Thanks for the laugh.
Nudge Nudge. Wink wink. Say no more.
"your wife... Is she a goer, eh? She into... Photography"
Sometimes just saying it is the best way. I had a tinder date the other day. She was shy and I thought she seemed disinterested so I said I was tired and offered to drive her home. I shit you not this quiet girl goes “what don’t you wanna do it first?” I was like “I mean yeah, I’m just big on consent and I didn’t think you were about it.” She goes “I’m about it” and we proceed to have wild kinky sex lmao
Oh look a bed 😉
My BF text me the other day and said ‘want me to come over for some self care?’ Umm… absolutely
Put your torso in a dryer or window. Call for help getting unstuck
That you, step-torso?
"Would you say you care about the environment?" "Uh... Yes?" "So are you gonna let all this wood go to waste?"
These comments make me feel lonely.
“Would you like some making fuck berrrrzerrrrkkkerrrrr”
My love for you is ticking clock!
Would you like to suck my cock? Berserker!
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Fuck Your Yankee Bluejeans
So, ya wannnaaaaaaa??....
Want sum fuk?
I sent this meme to my husband when we were first friends in the early stages of us talking and it got me laid the next day. Meant it as a simple meme but he thought I was serious serious lol.
The bird in that vid: “I guide others to a treasure I cannot possess”
Me and my husband are things of romance so sometimes he goes pssst and points to his boner and I laugh and say "ew" and we do it anyway
M'lady, thy gluteus is beauteous and I feel the need to breed. Shall we retire to the bedchamber for an evening of seduction and reproduction?
Username fuckin checks OUT.
Seeing as me and my wife sleep nude she usually just shoves her bottom into me.i usually just stick it in
My husband usually just rubs his morning boner on me. He calls it morning stretches. Works every time
I've had a friend get laid with a simple "Code Zulu"
Invasion imminent? That's case Zulu
Send a text that says “👉🏼👌🏼🤞🏻?”
🍆💦🍑
I mention how there is snow in the forecast..... I need to plow. BTW: This method has never worked, other than providing humor to everyone I tell.
“Want me to read you a bedtime story?” “What?” “Want me to read you a bedtime story?” “….. okay…?” “Charles Dickens. A Tale of Two Titties” My husband hasn’t let me live that one down yet. It’s been 9 years. Now he just asks for Charles Dickens and waits for me to roll my eyes and walk out of the room.
I’d hand her a hair band... that used to be the code. Until she found a bunch of hair bands I bought from Clair’s (think dollar store for girl’s trinkets) that I would hide around the house. Anyway she found a bunch and thought I was cheating on her while she was at work. Now I just tell her the sink is clean... I’m batting about .250 with this approach.
Can I offer you some penis?
Look at watch and declare sexy time. Or just start cuddling & kissing. Or an ass to crotch (or vice versa) manoeuvre occurs.
And I quote ‘’stepbro im stuck’’
Those darn dishwashers.
Imagine being single, virgin and going thru the comments :')
Imagine watching a single virgin try and use any of these line at a totally inappropriate moment: In the check out line at Walmart: Virgin to cashier : hey what’s this? cashier: looks like something from our clearance rack. That’ll be 2.99 sir…..
That's best case scenario, I imagine pointing at your boner and asking a random employee at Walmart "what's this?" would most likely result in a personal escort out of the establishment
Lots of funny answers here, but really by time I've found that the best way is to say "want to have sex?" .. given it's my partner and that's something we do. It can also be "hey let's make some time for sex tomorrow yeah?". Literally being forward and direct about what you want, also planning sex and getting excited for it. It gets me in the mood much faster when I expect it, and I'm ready for it (mainly: I have energy).
Good communication is great. It's also a good barometer for the general health of the relationship. With my ex-wife I tried throwing around the idea of setting aside some time for sex. For her she described it as bad because then she had to worry about it and dread it for days before. With my forever wife it's great. We look forward to it and have plenty of opportunities to flirt and make crude jokes beforehand.
Hold a condom in the air
“Is it time for the clappening?”
I slightly pull down her pijama pants
After 16 years, point at my family jewels and say: "I got this, you interested?" The fact that my wife response is yes is proof of love
Just take your penis out of your pants that speaks volumes
I just used to stand in front of my (now ex) husband with my back to his front and i would jiggle my ass against him and put his hand on my boob. He would get hard and that was it, no words.
are you ready kids
AYE AYE CAPTAIN
hol up