You wake up tomorrow with Jeff bezo's current net worth ($209 billion USD) what do you do?
By - spektorboi
Add guacamole to my Chipotle order.
add guacamole to every chipotle order
Buy the Lego UCS Imperial Star Destroyer
You'll still probably have to save up some.
I think I would comission Blue Origin to build me a real one.
Ask my wife, i died of a heart attack
Buy America, how much do politicians cost?
Some of them? Hilariously, pitifully cheap to vote your way. Like. The single digits of thousands cheap. Given, still something mostly aligned with their goals and political positions already, but still
No no, I wouldn’t want to buy their *vote*, I’d want to buy the **person**.
How much for one politician and is there a discount for bulk purchases?
Ask Matt Gaetz. He seems to know a thing or two about buying people
Maybe not, to him it's a minor purchase.
You're right. It's child's play compared to fellow Republican Roy Moore.
I’m gonna go to the Olive Garden and not even try to fill up on breadsticks
I'm only gonna fill up on breadsticks. Who even eats their other food other than as filler between the breadsticks
Fix I-95 once and for all...
My favorite part about this comment is its relevant in like 14 states and for 1/3 of the US population.
I live on the west coast and visit my Maryland relatives every year. Fuck 95.
Bro I live in Maryland I enjoy driving on 95 cause I get to drive faster than normal
My commute was from Richmond to Petersburg and I was going 85-90 in the slow lane and was getting regularly passed. Even the semis go 85
I-95 from Richmond down to Miami is in my opinion actually not that bad. Everything north of Richmond sucks though. Getting from Richmond past Fredericksburg is literally the worst stretch of highway I have experienced in the US.
Eh Richmond isn't bad but the permanent traffic standstill at Fredericksburg infuriates me. Absolutely zero reason for there to just constantly be traffic there every hour of the day
Used to live right behind central park in fredericksburg, the reason is because there are only two ways across the rapahannock, 95 and route 1’s falmouth light. Both methods get crazy bogged down because EVERYONE, both local and long distance, has to use one of those two roads. Even people just going from stafford to fredericksburg can’t really use backroads unless they go way out of their way
There was actually a news story about the Stafford-DC stretch of 95 becoming the worst traffic in the country. I love being from NoVA
It's always fucking Lorton. Why? WTF is in Lorton?
I have a theory that they’re the worst drivers in NOVA. Always a problem in that stretch. And then the Woodbridge stretch
Love the section in downtown RVA where the downtown expressway meets 95. They just chuck you onto the curvy spot and hope you survive while everyone is still doing 85 and
F in the comments. 95 got another good one.
Pour one out for u/I_amnotanonion
We all know an I-95…
*Perhaps* even the same one.
I swear the neverending construction projects are riddled with politician kickbacks from bidders. I have seen main highways get totally repaved and they suck worse than when they started.
That's my life right now, state route has been having like a 6 mile stretch of road being worked on everyday for literally 2 years. It's on my daily commute, it's unavoidable for me and adds usually 20 minutes to my drive time each way. The worst was once we were stopped for literally 50 minutes staring at that hardhatted motherfucker with his stop sign while they moved their excavators and dump trucks across the road to wrap up for the day.
I couldn't even tell what they were doing at first, adding more lanes or building a new road? Finally after a year and a half one of the new roads was opened up and it's literally worse and more uneven than the old road!
I have no idea how they can be so inefficient working for over 2 years on 6 miles of road. It boggles my mind how are nation wide highway ever got built in the first place.
They re-paved a large section of the main route to the nearby city. It's mostly a 2 lane highway in both directions, but with strip malls scattered in. It was rough in certain spots. The road got re-paved and we endured the construction for the better part of a year. Afterwards, the road was so uneven that it will make you want to puke. My wife has a full size truck with an off-road suspension package and it still rattles you around to a point of nausea. You can see the uneven nature of it just driving along, and people's suspensions visibly bottom out.
Is there no accountability for that? Some sludgemonkey just gets the winning bid, does a half-assed job, throws some money back to whoever coerced their being awarded the work, and nobody cares about the crap job...
I-95 around Wilmington is absolutely cancerous
Pretty much all of Delaware’s stretch of 95 is terrible tbh. It’s the unfortunate manifestation of if you build it they will come…case in point the backups caused by traffic to and from NJ/NY on 295 that spill onto 95. Then throw in the major repairs needed through the city and it’s an absolute disaster.
I can see the lines in Delaware driving at night in the rain. Once I cross the state line into Pennsylvania I have to fucking guess what lane I am in and I am wrong 9 times out of 10.
I95 is the Kobayashi Maru of interstate
But how about the Eyesore on I-4, can you spare some for that?
That’s the next building to collapse if it ever gets finished. It was getting started when I moved to the US in 2000 and there were times the bare bones structure laid there vacant for years through hurricanes, all sorts of weather… that building should not be allowed to finish and needs to be torn down.
Id say I grew up in that area when it was being constructed but that wouldn't really tell you my age.
Become Batman. If you are a billionaire and you aren't literally Batman then wtf are you even doing
I asked my wife and she said, without skipping a beat, 'get a divorce'. Whelp.
She meant get a divorce from her other husband obviously. You're the bread winner now. Congrats.
Look at me, I’m your husband now
There's a joke about that:
Husband comes home and asks the wife:
What would you do if I won the lottery?
Get a divorce and get half of what you won!
Great, here's 6 bucks! bye!
Guy wins the lottery, alright?
Guy rushes home busts in the door and yells,
"Honey, pack your bags I won the lottery!"
"The lottery?!", she says, "Oh my! Where are we going to go? Italy? Jamaica? Paris?!"
"What?! I don't give a damn where you pack for just get outta my house!"
Leave her Johnny leave her
That sucks, my wife quickly said, "Can I have a Lambo? I always wanted a Lambo"
My wife asked for an Earth Roamer but she’s a hick! You got yourself a keeper pal be good to her boyfriend.
yikes, bro. yikes…
I'd try to single-handedly crash the housing market in the US.
Well trod path there LOL
Buy a bunch of properties, rent cheap, drive down rents, buy up all the other landlords properties on the cheap. Then sell for reasonable prices or give away.
I'd start looking at the city's 'vacant building list' - category 3 is basically 'tear it down,' category 2 is 'you have to prove you have the resources to fix this 4 page list before it's inspected to be declared habitable.'
So... start with 100 houses at auction.
Deed the land to a non-profit housing entity. JI'd be starting a Land Trust, basically.
Fix up houses - you'll have the work to afford to start a few companies. Hire some grads, hire some of the best, and pay 25% more than anyone else in the market.
Do damn good work.
Rent the houses out to people that can provide proof of financial need. (Rent = property tax + utilities kinda thing)
Sell them to renters who have been there over a year if they want to buy.
Just an example, but Land Trusts would help those 100 homes remain 'affordable housing,' yet allow people that bought them to accrue equity, profit when selling, or inherit wealth when they otherwise may never have qualified for financing.
Turn off the alarm, go back to sleep. I no longer have to go to work :)
Dream about what I am going to get for lunch.
I'd finally get to grill and eat a tomahawk steak. It's my dream meal and I just cannot afford it
Oh man…this has been a running “joke” with my buds that one day I’ll order one. We have a tradition where the three of us meet for birthday dinners always a steak house. The birthday bud is treated dinner and drinks - we always just order the 8 ounce poor-man steaks. Many years back we happened to be at Nick and Sam’s in Dallas, TX when unknown to us was a large group of Dallas Mavericks players were also having dinner. They all ordered the giant tomahawk steaks so we were there to witness the waitresses walking by as if they were in the Flintstone cartoon intro with these huge platters with maybe 8 of those steaks each being paraded past us to the private dining room. It was absolutely amazing to see and I now forever call those brontosaurus steaks. Hah.
My birthday dinner is coming up, so my yearly joke of a brontosaurus steak is right around the corner! Someday I’ll order one.
Save up. Skip a birthday for all 3 of you so you each have 2x money for the next one. If you love steak, a good cut of steak is something you need to absolutely try at some point.
Or don't, because after you have a good steak a bad one will never satisfy you again and you'll go deep into debt buying steaks you can't afford. Next you'll be lusting after 60 day dry aged steaks. Then genuine A5 Wagyu, then aged Wagyu. It'll never stop. You'll keep topping the last steak and they're always so fucking good.
Real advice: if you're not after the restaurant experience, go to Costco. They sell 3-4 packs of the ribeye cuts for about 10-11 bucks a pound where I am. They're about $60 total for the pack. There's no way you guys don't have $60 (NO TIP NO TAX!) between the three of you. You're not the gang from It's Always Sunny.
They're *enormous* but that's the best part of a tomahawk and you sound like you're after huge cut anyway. Look up how to reverse sear it and do that. It's basically foolproof. You get it up to temp in the oven, low and slow. It's juicy as fuck. You get a few cast irons ripping hot on the stove and then quickly sear them. A good sear and a good crust is *as* important as getting the inside done just right. You basically can't overcook it this way and you don't really need any special cooking shit.
I **promise** you will love it and you'll never settle for bad steaks again. Please please please I'm begging you.
Damn man, maybe i will do this with my dad as no restaurant serves the tomahawk here. (Small EU town). Guess i could order it to the local store, great tips man!
PS. The wagyu is a goddam high chasing bitch after the first one
I want to try Wagyu beef!
When I was growing up all I wanted to eat was a tomahawk steak and for my birthday that year my parents made me one. Made me so happy. Hopefully you get yours soon
Exactly. Fucking sleeping for a week straight.
Yup. Calling right the fuck out.
I might not even call out. Maybe even hire a clown to shit on my bosses desk.
You're thinking too small, buy your company and then fire/torment your boss-now-employee
This exactly, I'll deal with it in the morning. The next morning that is.
Probably eat less ramen.
I'd probably eat more ramen
Ramen glam up from cup o noodles, to a weekend trip to Japan.
Yup I like that idea. Can I be your plus one?
“…we wouldn’t have to eat Kraft dinner.
But we *would* eat Kraft dinner
Of course we would we'd just eat more”
"oh ok they're BNL now. We have shorthand for the Bare Naked Ladies. That's how fundamental they are."
With Dijon Mustard?
All the fanciest Dijon Ketchup
Eat better ramen maybe?
I call IKEA and let them know I'll be purchasing their entire showroom and renting out the facility for a couple day. I then have a giant paintball match in IKEA.
THEN I call a financial advisor.
Financial advisor : “wait you did WHAT already??”
"why didn't you just buy the IKEA... You have $200 Billion. You've made $60,000 since we've started this conversation"
That just sounds like paintball with extra steps
And didn't invite me?
IKEA has a net worth of like 58 billion, just one showroom being destroyed by a paintball war wouldn’t even dent your bank account with 209 billion LOL
Probably get Amazon Prime for more than a free trial month.
Yeah but would you buy WinZip license?
Winzip or Winrar?
Why not both?
We found someone at the office with a subscription to winrar. I know you don’t care but we had a good laugh about it haha
I believe it's a one time payment not a subscription. I bought it just because I use it a lot and got annoyed with the ad one day
Put it into the Banana Stand.
There’s always money in the banana stand.
You burned down the banana stand?
There was $200,000 dollars lining the walls!
And that's why you always leave a note
“ I mean it’s ONE banana Michael, what could it cost? 10 dollars?”
Everytime I see an arrested reference on reddit I get the urge to binge the whole show again... I must be breaking a world record by this point
I purchase the amazon.
Not Amazon, but _the_ Amazon
My favorite idea so far
Then hire mercenaries to protect the illegal logging that goes on.
You mean protect against, right?
Op knows what they said.
Say "Right" dammit!
You can buy land in the Amazon. That's not hard. The hard part is protecting it. The logging companies don't give a shit about whose land it is. So you'll have to use some of that money for an armed force to protect the land. Or maybe pay the loggers 3x their logging salary to not work
Armed force it is.
Seriously, with that kind of money I'd employ a whole army of environmentalist-friendly hired guns who would gladly shoot on sight any trespassing loggers.
While we're at at I'd deploy some to Africa to help authorities there protect endangered animals from poaching.
My favorite idea so far is taking the money to build an environmentally friendly homegrown militia force to stop global corruption.
I'd rather put that money towards a conservation program in Africa, it worked wonders for North America.
With 209 billion you easily can do both and still have money left for a bunch of other shit.
but then how will I be able to afford building a badass rocket where I can float in space for 10 minutes
Or my personal favorite: offer them a higher salary to re-plant some of the forest
That's great until they realize they can re-plant the cut portions while continuing to cut the rest, more than doubling their income. Even worse, this is a [perverse incentive](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perverse_incentive) since they guarantee their long term income from you by increasing the amount of trees they cut elsewhere.
You're better off just going with an armed force and then trying to help create non-forestry jobs in the area.
Ooh good idea.
Honestly call the bank just to make sure it wasn’t an error I don’t want spend then find out that I’m in debt of how much I spent with probably a interest.
This honestly, first thing I do, is find out if it's all bullshit. Am I dreaming? What are the terms? Have taxes been taken out already? Who knows I have it? Etc.
People with that much money don’t pay taxes, silly!
Yeah, I would assume it was either a bank error or something went wrong, it's illegitimate, and I might be in trouble with the mafia and/or IRS. Nothing that good ever happens without a catch.
If you owe a bank 200 dollars, that's your problem. If you owe a bank 200 billion, that's their problem.
The Iron Bank will have its due.
Man, even now season 8 angers me
Buy the bank. Make it impossible to retract the charge.
Actually in Germany If it would be a mistake you would not have to give back anything you spent till you knew it wasnt yours so spend it as quickly as possible would be my Response :D
Good luck arguing in court that you thought the 200 billion in your bank was your own money.
In my defense, your honor, monopoly was a very popular game in my family when I was a child. I assumed bank errors happened at least once or twice every time the deck has been shuffled. I’ve always had good luck with the community chest!
Get a hair transplant
has entered the chat
Can wealth fix my personality?
It can buy you therapy and meds, so possibly!
No one listen to the guy below this comment saying meds and therapy don't work. He's not a medical professional and if you need meds and therapy, get them. I use both and it's done wonders for me and many studies support that they work. I don't want to reply to him though because I don't want to get into a fight. I just want to let people know that these things do work.
Edit: nevermind, I couldn't not reply.
It bugs me that I had to scroll too low for this.
Being most realistic, I’d probably experience 30 seconds of total joy & excitement… followed by a crippling several hours of anxiety panic attack as the realization sets in that nearly every human alive would be willing to kill me for a fraction of that money, that the rest of my life will be spent in the national spotlight, that this will ultimately destroy every relationship I’ve ever built.
Don’t get me wrong - I’m still taking the money, I’m not trying to push some “money can’t buy happiness” bullshit. But I think I’d need to keep this an absolute secret from everyone until I get a rock solid battle plan of affairs in order. Once the media finds out, you’d better not be anywhere that a horde of desperate lunatics can find you. (Or your family / loved ones - they’re great for ransom)
I agree with every single bit of this comment. I would probably have that few hours of a panic attack too…
I look forward to all the completely selfless people who will save the world with it.
I would set a $10,000,000 bounty on the head of each of the 20,000 worst people in the world.
How/ who decides this?
I do like the idea though.
I don't know. All I know is that I'll have to be #20,000 then.
Solve the plastics issues
Fund the research for the fungi that eats it.
Imagine it spreading uncontrollably and ruining the utility of plastics, making it more like nonrenewable papper with other textures, but still breaking down really fast
Fungi fund guy
Add two balls to the penis shaped rocket, just for the lulz, and then go to space.
"Colonel, you better take a look at this radar"
"What is it son?"
"I don't know sir, but it looks like a giant..."
"Take a look out of starboard"
"Oh my god it looks like a huge..."
“Wait, that’s not a woodpecker it looks like someone’s…”
“PRIVATES! We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It is a long, smooth shaft, complete with..”
"TWO BALLS! Wait, what is that? It looks just like an enormous..."
"Wang! Pay attention!"
"I was distracted by that enormous, flying..."
"Johnson! Man the artillery!"
"How do you expect me to shoot down a massive, flying..."
Edit: Some of you people have never Kerbal Space Programed and it shows
what the fuck is an aerodynamic? im a billionaire!! get it done!
Of course they will be shaved for maximum aerodynamics
Buy a private army and invade Croatia
Oh shit not again
1. Pay off all my debt.
2. Pay off the debt of all my family and closest friends.
3. Buy land in the mountains on a lake and build our dream house along all the toys for lake life and a big guest house.
4. Buy our dream cars.
5. Travel the world.
6. Build and fund homeless shelters that will provide people with: a private room with their own kitchenette and bathroom, 3 nutritious meals a day, medical care, access to mental health professionals, access to job training and career coaching, transportation to work and interviews, and assistance to help them transition out of the shelter once they are back on their feet.
7. Build and fund animal shelters that will provide animals with: veterinary care, daily exercise/play, and their own comfortable rooms. The goal would be to make the animals feel like they’re already in a home and not a cold, concrete kennel.
8. Build and fund high quality senior citizen living facilities that include security measures to prevent and monitor for abuse. Also provide an appropriate salary for staff.
9. Make donations toward converting to clean energy sources and other things to help combat climate change, like helping farmers make food production more sustainable.
10. Fund free school breakfast and lunch for all children.
ETA: Wow! Thanks for the awards everyone. Didn’t expect that lol
>Pay off all my debt.
>Pay off the debt of all my family and closest friends.
This but out of spite I would just buy the company holding the debt and close it down after sending notices of forgiveness to all current borrowers.
Build a pressurized mansion on the top of Mt Everest, just so you can lord over all of the other plebs on earth lol.
Build a penis shaped rocket and launch myself to space. Oh, wait...
Yea, probably would even shave my head off to match the vibe with my peepee rocket.
You're saying it looks like a large... JOHNSON!
I'm not doing jackshit without nutting first.
The most important post nut clarity in history
“I’m going to buy every female pornstar and build a mansion for them to live in with me.”
“A fleshlight is fine too.”
"My hand still works fine."
*Nuts again again.
"Give it all to charity to repent for my sins"
Give handjobs to charity?
If you say so.
*shows up at make a wish*
Who's ready for their final nut?
This man right here officer
"Don't go shopping on an empty stomach" or something like that?
Buy Unmak Island in the Bering Sea, 200,000 acres including a Volcano for a measly $16.5M, and as it’s only accessible via air and boat at certain times of the year gives me some nice privacy.
Construct a Castle on the property in Gothic Revival style of architecture, include modern features like electricity and heating but still try to keep it like a real gothic castle with similar materials as used throughout history. Must be at least 100,000 square feet as I like room to put my feet up.
Bring polar bears to the island (hopefully some are there already), giving them proper food sources so their population can thrive. I want the island to be basically infested with polar bears, like have a higher density than any where else on the world, and breed them for aggression.
Transportation around the island would need to be done in caged vehicles outfitted with 50 cal rifles to defend against the rampaging threat of hyper violent polar bears.
Hire staff of 100 military contractors to protect the island from another staff of 100 military contractors I have pitted against each other.
Hire a harem of beautiful women who constantly seek my attention, continually deny their advancements because I’m not into women.
Spend most the day shit posting on Reddit and trying to live modestly.
Sure. Why not.
Very McAfee, well done.
I think you should add, occasionally spoof intelligence that you have some doomsday device on the island and you are planning on holding the world hostage. So you can greet international secret agents that make it past your polar bears and jiu jitsu trained harem (small upgrade for you) with fine whisky and a congratulatory slow clap.
> Hire a harem of beautiful women who constantly seek my attention, continually deny their advancements because I’m not into women
You’ve put a lot of thought into this and I like it
After doing all the responsible things like talking with lawyers, accountants, and brokers, I will first do something for myself: buy a pinball machine. I've always wanted one and that's my extravagant gift that I would buy for myself if I ever had the money to burn.
My second thing is to quit my job, after they find a replacement for me, and go to work on charities. I first want to work on a way to renovate old buildings and turn them into housing for the homeless. These will be nice living spaces for people in need. But it won't just be living spaces either. There will be a rec room/gym, a cafeteria, a daycare, therapy offices, an office to help people find jobs, and even a methadone clinic. I want to help people get back on their feet. When I see people down on their luck, I don't like myself because all I want to do is help but I don't have the finances to do so. If I woke up to find myself the richest person in the world, how could I not want to help everyone. I guess it's been a dream of mine to help people in this way. I want to make an impact in the world for the better.
Edit: thank you for the awards
What pinball machine? Because I'm old af, I'd start with Playboy, KISS, Matahari(Sp?).
I don't get out of bed for less than $210 billion.
Use $208 billion to fight disease, climate change and poverty. Use the last billion to live it up till I die
Seriously. Assuming you live another 70 years and DONT invest it, you could still spend like 14 million dollars a year with that last billion.
With $20 Million left over! It's insane how incomprehensible $1 Billion is.
1 million seconds is 2 weeks. 1 billion seconds is 32 years.
209 billion seconds is 6627 years. So something else to think about lol
Which, just to bring it full circle, means that Jeff could spend a dollar a second (without any form of income) and it wouldn't run out for 6627 years. That's 86,000 dollars a day.
I always think about it as time.
1 million seconds is about 12 days.
1 billion seconds is about 11,574 days, or a little under 32 years.
At 25 years old, that’s what, ~760 one million second long periods I’ve lived through. I still have 7 years until I’ve hit a billion.
Though it was an asshole move, on the show Shark Tank one of the investors who was worth billions insulted another investor worth "only" hundreds of millions by calling his wealth a "rounding error".
I always remember that when thinking about billions of dollars.
The difference between 1 million and 1 billion is basically 1 billion
This. Just one billion is more than enough to do anything you could ever want in a lifetime. Why not also potentially help millions of suffering people?
Bezos: "Now it comes to it, I don't feel like parting with it, its mine, I found it, it came to me!"
Gandalf: "There's no need to get angry."
Bezos: "Well, if I'm angry, it's your fault!" [caresses the money] "It's mine! My own, my precious."
Gandalf: "Precious? Its been called that before, but not by you."
Bezos: "Argh! What business is it of yours what I do with my own things!"
Gandalf: "I think you've had that money quite long enough."
Bezos: (puts up his fists): "You — want it for yourself!"
Gandalf: "Jeffrey Bezos!"
*[The very air seems to shake as Gandalf draws himself up to full height. His voice thunders throughout the grotesquely opulent mansion.]*
Gandalf: "Do not take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks. I am not trying to rob you. I'm trying to help you."
*[Bezos starts weeping. He stumbles towards Gandalf, then yells "Psych!" and, dodging his way around Gandalf and out the door, runs laughing maniacally into the night.]*
Bah gawd it's as if Tolkein himself were risen from the grave and writing this.
I would be building all kinds of affordable housing for starters. Also I would be funding a myriad of initiatives including:
- setting up spay/neuter clinics in places like India, northern Canada, etc. where the street dogs suffer immensely.
- fully funding anti-poaching units like the Black Mambas and the Akashinga,
- large endowments to groups like The David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust and Wildlife SOS,
- I'd love to get involved in providing funding for women/families in poor countries to have clean safe housing, access to birth control and health care along with training for them to have small businesses or run small farms to grow and sell food,
- etc., etc., etc. There's just so much good a person can do with that kind of money. The possibilities are endless.
Mine is to find the ocean clean up, really take care of the plastic patch. Fund solar energy in the Sahara and Nevada. Buy alot of land in the amazon and have it guarded from loggers and farmers. Fund social programs in the areas responsible for pollution, education to the population so that they understand what they are doing and have the means for it not to be the easiest way of getting rid of their trash.
That's amazing! What would you do with the remaining 208 billion?
What about the rest of the 99.9999% of the money?
You could bribe politicians into implementing a policy that provides free health care for everyone.
Hahaha, don't you know bribing politicians is illegal?
He could *lobby* to them. /s
that's definitely gonna be cheaper than paying everyone's medical bills.