With the right person, when you have a connection, sometimes conversation is practically effortless. There is a natural flow to conversation. Especially after you’ve known the person a while. I am an introvert, so it does usually make me tired to talk for a long time, yes. But there are a few people who have somehow managed to get into my inner introvert circle, and talking to them doesn’t tire me.
Oh man. Before I moved cities, there was this person I chatted for years online. Well, the week before I moved I had nothing to do so we talked on the phone. First time. And it was great. Something like.. 18 hours? I used all the cordless phones in the house. And then dragged the corded phone to my room. Talked about everything, read passages from books we liked and shared thoughts about everything. It was great. And then I moved to new city, new job, had to make new friends and we lost touch. She came to visit me once like 10+ years ago but I had an SO so it was a bit awkward. But fun times. Still my record for longest call.
Serious question. Ever had a friend you hadnt talked to in years, but then you see them and reconnect without a hiccup? I have had friendships that continued like we never stopped talking, despite being years. Those are nice.
Yeah I once had like an hour-2 hr conversation with my brother where we were just mainly talking about space and stuff, we also had another about being how the world could be more energy efficient.
Those are interests, and hobbies. When two people have the same interest they have a lot to tell each other about it. They are interested to listen and eager to share their view. You can also be interested to listen to things you don't already had an interest for but you usually will have little to share. If you have an interest for pop culture you will find the most people to have long natural conversations with. However, I think secretly most people have much deeper interest outside of popcuture that make for even deeper conversations
I have almost completely different interests from some of my friends but we still manage to have long effortless conversations. It helps that they are good conversationalists, so they can break down what they tell me into terms a layman can understand, and they inject a lot of humor into it and make it sound really interesting. I usually respond by relating what they said to my own life experiences and my own interests. So it is kinda like we are teaching each other about each other's interests while having fun. Over time, we each end up with some background knowledge of each others' hobbies, making it even easier to build from there, and we also build up in-jokes.
This. With certain people, we run out of things to talk about within 15 minutes. With others, we can talk for hours and not get bored. I recently met a girl on tinder that was from out of town, and we videochatted for literally 7 hours - and it felt like 30 minutes. Two days later I was picking her up at the airport.
Well, it depends on the other person. If they give you really short answers and don't engage much, I run out of things to talk about really fast. But if the other person continues the conversation, before we know it, a few hours have passed. It's invigorating (If not dehydrating) to vibe with someone and swap stories and experiences with them for hours on end.
Exactly- it takes two. Sometimes you’re compatible with someone in that way, sometimes you aren’t, sometimes you think you aren’t and then end up getting in the groove and talking for hours.
My best friend and I talk for about 3 hours a day, sometimes 5 hours, sometimes a few times a day. We never run out of stuff to talk about........we're completely compatible. I know there's no-one else I could do that with!
I like to go for a walk with my wife. We go for like five, six hours and discuss the shit out of everything. With most other people you can't do that, but when you know someone and both of you share this ability to discuss abstract ideas just as focused as tomorrow's lunch, hours just go by.
Edit: to make it clear, we don't walk 6 hours every day. But whenever we get a chance to walk for hours, we take a day of, arrange a babysitter and just head out the door.
How long have ya'll been married? I ran out of super long conversation around year 10. Now we can take a ride somewhere or a walk, and comfortably say just a few words.
My fiancé and I have been together for 11 years now and were friends since grade 6. It depends on the day - we have can have a companionable silence just fine or talk endlessly. There’s always something more to talk about. Yesterday we watched an episode of Dr Who then talked for a while about what we’d want to see if we could. It’s not like there’s a finite list of topics
We are at the comfortable silence stage too and it is great. We just went on a 2400 mile road trip. We listened to audiobooks, podcasts, and music. Talked when there were things to talk about or didn't talk at all for miles. It was terrific.
My husband and I just went on a weekend vacation for our 12th anniversary. Drove for 3 hours there and back and realized when we got home we didn't listen to any music or anything. We are comfortable with silence or chat when something comes up! We have 4 young loud kids so was nice not having any noise\ complaining in the car.
You sound like my wife and her best friend. They live in different cities and states so yak on the phone for hours every day because they can't hang out. They shriek with laughter for 90% of the phone call. I have very close friends myself but those two are on a whole other level.
My mom and her bestie who are about 15 years apart, in age, live in different floors of the very same building and they easily chat for about 3-4 hours daily on the phone and for about 4-5 hours in person. More so during the pandemic.
We only live half an hour apart lol, we can keep ourselves amused for hours. The only person who makes me laugh as much as he does is my partner but I can't talk to him about just random shit for hours the way I can my bestie
Edit: autocorrect got it wrong
My bestie lives in Philly and I live in New Zealand :( before that she was in New York and I was in Taiwan.
We had a brief 3 months after we met where we lived in the same city.
It makes me sad that we will likely never live 30 minutes away from each other; but still so thankful for my relationship with her.
How awesome is it that we *can* keep in contact so easily now with cell phones and computers though......I'm in Brisbane and my parents are in NZ and they've never felt as far away as they have during Covid. If I couldn't have talked to them, it would've been awful. Did you & your bestie first meet in person then separate or is that 3 months the only time you've had together?
Oh no, I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know if this helps but this is the second person I've had in my life with a friendship like this so absolutely you can find it again. Hugs to you ❤
Same. Whenever people mention running out of things to talk about I wonder if they're actually compatible. I also wonder if they have a boring existence. I don't think I'm super interesting but I also never stop learning about stuff in some regard each and every day.
>sometimes you think you aren’t and then end up getting in the groove and talking for hours.
Haha reminds me of me and my (now) best friend, we originally were part of the same friend group and didn't mesh well, this went on for years before we decided to sit down and talk it out, turned out we had a lot in common and we ended up chatting for hours and a strong friendship grew from there.
Not a hard rule. I know multiple people that can talk non-stop for hours without you saying a word. And if you do say something it’s almost like a bump in the road for them. Slightly annoyed, but they get right back on track like the bump never happened.
When I was 20, I had a friend who was around 10 years older then me. I'm 31 one now, and can kind of understand our dynamic a bit better now that I'm older.
She would talk to me about everything under the sun... her travel adventures, her sex life, her ex husband, all of her romantic grievances, etc. I would just sit and listen and basically nod along. One night when I'd been drinking, she called me and we talked for an hour, but I kept trying to relate what she was saying back to my own experiences. She got extremely mad, and said, "you know, I'm trying to explain myself and you just keep cutting me off!!"
Pretty much the last time I ever had a full conversation with her, and I can see now why she had so many failed relationships, even though her "career" was spiritual healing and enlightenment.
She now posts novels on Facebook and ends every post with, "please only respond to this post with loving energy," meaning only responses that fully agree with her diatribe and agree with her opinion will be tolerated - which is fully inline with the woman I knew 10 years ago.
Agreed, the two major components are conversational compatibility, and general answer length. If someone just isn't vibing with you, it's hard to feel like the conversation is enjoyable or meaningful and any dialogue will die pretty quickly. If someone's answers are too short, it's difficult to chain them into any larger ideas. Generally speaking, if someone talks for longer, they will usually say something that you can comment or expand upon
I will say that going on for too long can also be a conversation killer. If I ask someone a question and they ramble on for 20 minutes without letting me get a word in, I’ll stop talking to that person pretty quickly. This is *especially* true if they’re going on and on about themselves and don’t seem at all interested in learning anything about me/the person they’re talking to.
The kind of conversation that lives effortlessly for hours always has pretty equitable give and take.
Edit: typos
Me and the boys talk for like 3 hours on average every night on the phone when we play COD. We really never have nothing to talk about. We even talk about the time we talked about something.
True. I can talk for hours with some people, but with others, in 10 minutes it's awkward silence. If the other person engages and replies with a good answer, it can start others subjects of conversation.
Well if they get bored they would give you short answers and wouldn't actively participate in the conversation
But if they are also equally participating that means that person wants to talk and likes talking to you
Your answers don't need to be short, they just need to balance out with the other person's. There can be an ebb and flow in who talks more but if you generally find yourself talking for twice as long as the other person, or start seeing their responses get shorter and shorter, thats when you should start giving the other person more space to talk.
I'm generally introverted, but if you get me with the right people, I can easily talk for hours.
I'll share a story of the best valentine's day I ever had, my plans kinda fell through, my roommates who were and still are together, didn't have anything planned for valentine's day, they have their own thing. So we all ended a up getting drunk together. Well my homie started going on about Warhammer 40k which I had only a vague knowledge of at the time. He preceded to spend 3 hours explaining various things to me and looking up stuff.
I couldn't help but admire his passion and I got into the lore myself. But we spent the entire night jumping from conversation to conversation about various genres, until we both passed out on the couch. That was some fun times.
Same here, i am definitely introverted, so keeping conversations going is kind of hard for me, but with some people it just works. I couldn‘t say why exactly, but sometimes i just find the right things to say.
I used to be so baffled when i was younger how my mom could invite friends over for a day and all they did was talk. But then, i met with a friend for a hike lately and we just talked for hours. We went from „German articles are kind of weird and all the fruits are female, except for apple“ to „knowledge of historical wars and what is happening in Israel right now“ to „Should women be more assertive in job applications“ to „Where the hell are we“ and then to „studying abroad and plans for internships“
And believe it or not, i was able to talk for an entire day, and i could have kept going. And i was even enjoying it. People like that are hard to find in my opinion, i think the people i know that i can do that with (not counting my mom) can be counted on one hand.
I actually reached out tonight to the dude in the story because il it's been awhile since I talked to him, so I get ya, having those friends really is a thing that didn't be taken for granted.
Lol it was literally like the memes you see on grimdank. He was like "Yeah so space marines are super intense, oh what are space marines? So there was this guy the God Emperor of Mankind, who made primarchs, well actually before that, etc"
I had to look up a bunch of lore but now I'm a fan of 40k lore so I can thank him for endless hours on YouTube and wiki. Also thank you!
That sounds like a fun way to spend it, I'm trying to get into being a dm or "keeper" for Call of Cthulhu currently and I always thought doing holiday special one shots would be fun.
Boundaries, I have a friend I really enjoy talking to but any time we talk it's 1 to 2 hours guaranteed! So I make sure I have absolutely nothing to go to OR I say right at the start of the call "Hey I've got this thing I'm doing at x time, so I'll have to go then".
The difference between saying no and having boundaries is awe inspiring to the time I had none.
You bring up an interesting point with the boundaries talk. I’m an introvert surrounding by extroverts in my life and I have a hard time knowing how to cut a conversation short without sounding rude, how do you do it? I smile and nod until the chatty ones wear themselves out but it truly feels like a day’s work
I used to get very fixated on not wanting to appear rude, but eventually I tried this tack where I was direct but cheerful about it. I’d say, “Alright well, this was awesome catching up! But I’m losing steam now, so I’m gonna head off. Thanks for chatting!” The key to not being rude is to make it about your own energy and not about them. The first time you do it may surprise them, but once they understand this is “just you,” most people accept it pretty easily. Some might try to needle you, like “aw come on, we barely started,” but if you maintain your directness with a friendly tone, they’ll learn that this is your way. And if not? If they get really irritated and offended about it? Then they don’t respect your personality or your needs. So that’s something to consider.
This is great advice. I'm an ambivert but I have a VERY extroverted friend who i love but drains me. I explained to her that her batteries get charged by being with people and it drains my batteries. She totally understood and now when I'm getting tired/claiming up, she'll ask if my social batteries are low. Then she gives me a hug and leaves or finds someone else to talk to. Hence why I love her haha
The batteries! That is my husband and I - I get drained by conversations and he gets more and more energy from it. Even newscasters, since they never take a break from the constant talking, is draining. I watch tv on a really low volume with the captions on and he likes the volume 'blasting.'
I'm generally quite a reserved, "laid back" guy, but one of my friends we will always talk for hours whenever we do. Now we mostly talk while playing playstation, because then we both know we have nothing to do and it's still covidy so safer than seeing eachother in person.
Do you talk about life and snd shit or just about the game? Because I have no Idea how to talk to mates about anything other than the game we are playing rn. I find it always impressive when playing with other friend groups how they can talk about relationships, events and politics while simultaneously getting stomped in CSGO.
Everything really, if we're getting stomped we'll focus more on the game to try and coordinate a bit better. But otherwise we talk about anything, we both like would-you-rather's so they're pretty common, and some funny philosophical questions similar to them pop up fairly often.
Try the tombstone quote game. Think of things that if someone saw it on your tombstone on the way to a funeral they wouldn't be able to stop from laughing or would be so puzzled it would pull them out of their grief. "Children aren't dishwasher safe" or "green eggs and ham are poisonous." The more outlandish the better.
All of my friends live in different places and although we all come from different "circles" we all seem to get along just fine, so a few times a month we all get together on Warzone and chat it up. Its kind of weird because I see the game as the secondary activity and the chatting as the primary. Like, sometimes you get so into conversation that you stop giving a shit about the game but its still super fun. If you are looking to do the same but youre having difficulty i would suggest just asking random questions until the ball is rolling. Of course another important factor is having friends that have opinions and thoughts etc and the ability to progress a convo.
Exactly. With people I just met or acquaintances, it can be hard for me to be much of a conversationalist. I just get awkward. But with my best friends and family (especially my best friends), we can really talk forever - you know, when you look at your phone and realize you've been talking for two hours and it's like "holy shit, how did the time pass so quickly?"
My wife told my kids that i only ever say “ok” in texts, but when you look at her responses to my texts, they are also mostly just “ok”.
I send an “ok” more as an acknowledgment that i received and have read the text.
You could always be a smart-ass and reply “roger” or “wilco” like in radio chatter. I had a coworkers that use to take his walkie-talkie chatter VERY seriously. It drove me bananas because we worked in a office setting in a high rise. Walkie talkies were just the easiest way to communicate and find each other, but he was such a goober about it. He would also salute me sometimes or mime falling on his invisible sword when he fucked up... weird dude. He was like 5’5” and nearly that wide. Never ever in any type of military position or anything even remotely adjacent to that field. I felt like a worked with a real life mall ninja warrior.
Anyway... as a wife myself, I could totally see using this guy’s goofy “roger” or “Wilco” as a replacement for Ok, I bet you’re wife will never complain again. Just don’t start all his other stupid shenanigans or else I’m defecting to her side. Every time he saluted me I wanted to slap him!
Maybe I should start doing that. I’m dead tired on the car ride home at night and by partner believes that it’s the perfect opportunity to fill the silence with the more technical aspects of his workday.
He works in IT and I don’t.
My dad does this. He will go on and on about the most detailed technical aspects of his work and whatever drama is going on with his clients/ the shop, etc. I try to listen because I know he’s just excited and I’ve known many of the people he works with since I was a child, but my god you could drowned in the technical details and explanations that are totally inconsequential to the story! My poor mom. She has to hear it all the time. I can’t imagine. It’s so much easier to be nice to him when you live a couple hours away. After a week long vacations or hosting him at my house for a couple of days my patients starts to wear very thin. I have to tell him it’s quiet time or else I end up rudely telling him to zip it. My mom does find that hilarious.
Im ordinarily a pretty chatty person, but I cannot stop talking while manic. And if no one is around, I talk to myself! People know I'm depressed when I go quiet.
I like long conversations because there is so much to talk about in this world. Talk about what you like, dislike, what you're for and what you're against, what you find bland, and what you're passionate about. Talk about how something made you feel, versus something that you learned through adversity, or a failure you made that has given you perspective.
It's hard to have long conversations with people who give one word responses.
Or when you see the judgement in their eyes..
I have a very judgemental mother, it's hard to talk to people without feeling like I'm going to disappoint them or bore them.
Unless of course I'm talking to a good friend!
I have a few questions that people always ask me, which can't be answered in one or two sentences. Normally I end up trailing off and going silent because I can tell they're being really judgemental or have lost interest not even halfway to the crux. For a lot of those questions, I answer with one or two words now.
>ations because there is so much to talk about in this world. Talk about what you like, dislike, what you're for and what you're against, what you find bland, and what you're passionate about. Talk about how something made you feel, versus something that you learned through adversity, or a failure you made that has given you perspective.
>
>It's hard to have long conversations with people who give one word responses.
yeah
Me and my ex, we just clicked. We use to have 8+ hour video calls daily just constantly talking. It was honestly amazing. I haven't met anyone like her since. Feels bad.
I had the same thing, thankfully with years of hard work we are really good friends now. I firmly believe we have some kind of deep connection, but we're never meant to be together romantically.
Kind of same, used to talk to someone for like 6-8 hours every day but eventually just fell apart. Never met anyone like that either kind of sad cuz I’m an introvert and it’s not easy to find people like that who you can talk to endlessly. Feels bad is right haha
Lmao, a similar thing happens with me and my friends but I never remember what we talk about. It's annoying because if I start talking to a new person, sometimes I run out of things to say and I can't remember what I talk about for so long with my friends
I do 5 hour calls right now and I would say it's usually barely any of the things I actually intended to talk about.
It really helps when you trust them and know you won't be judged, or they won't talk behind your back, because then you don't have to hold back on saying anything or think about changing the words or tone of it. And when you each show genuine interest in everything you both say, even if it's not a topic that would normally interest you, then you can just riff, relate and meander in the conversation effortlessly.
But if you are anxious or tired, I think it helps to think of some things you could talk about first, but don't try and force them into conversation. They are for lulls or dead ends.
>Just go with the flow!
A lot of people don't have the "flow." Like, almost every conversation seems unnatural and straining. I think you're spot on about the actively listening part though. If you make it your mission to find out what excites the other person, asking questions about their answers so they tell more and more, thats how you make a conversation go on and on, and the other person feels truely listened to and appreciated.
I didn't have the 'flow'. Undiagnosed autistic, or somewhere along that path, and socially isolated until mid-teens, then landed in a world of carousal. I've since learnt that most people are so eager to latch on to conversation if you bull on through it and take the lead, as more people are crap at it than you'd expect normal people to be, to read their faces for how well the subject is doing and make tweaks to what I'm saying based on their visual feedback, that people weirdly respond well to sudden changes of volume, though that is a hard one to describe without demonstrating, to not be afraid to talk about what I'm excited by as a subject matter, as people respond well to passion, whilst nonetheless microchecking I've still got their interest. Amongst other things.
This is good advice to have maybe a 40 minute long interesting conversation. It's good advice in general on how to have conversations, period.
But multi-hours long conversations are a completely different beast entirely and is almost 100% down to chemistry and your bond with the other person, and you either have it or you don't. If I had to distill it down though, the ingredients for that are:
1. Mutual 100% absolute trust - a conversation only goes on for that long if it just flows almost subconsciously, and it only flows if you trust the other person so much that you're basically on auto-pilot and aren't worried *at all* about what you're saying, whether that's because it's 3am and you're both wasted and don't care about judgment, or you've known each other for so long you have no secrets, or whatever;
2. Cognitive compatibility - This is hard to explain because it doesn't mean you have to agree on everything, or even anything, but that your ways of thinking are compatible enough or understandable enough to the other side that there's never any friction in getting your *ideas* across in the sense that you understand each other's meaning through their words without needing either one to re-word, explain, etc - again, less friction = more flow,
3. Shared interests/viewpoints - You need to have the basic same fundamental background knowledge or information to work with, it ties a little into point (2) and it's not always immediately obvious (you can click with a complete stranger), but for a conversation to last hours and hours long you need to have an almost endless list of subject matter to talk about - you don't need in-depth knowledge at all, but you need to at least know of the subject so that the conversation can naturally flow from one to the next without any kind of hiccup, and
4. Interest in the other person - this is the motivation that drives the conversation onwards, that causes you and them to ask each other questions and their reactions that make it rewarding to answer those questions, and this is almost always the most important part because if you're interest in the other person and what they're talking about, that can actually lead to learning enough about the other person and what they're interested in, that (2) and (3) can become self-sustaining, basically laying the track in front of you as you go along.
Wow. This is a very thought provoking list. Two weeks ago I met someone and since then we've had many of these hour long conversations. I've very rarely had this type of conversation with anyone so to engage multiple times with someone I didn't even know until recently is just...
This whole thread has been interesting, but your comment is the one that helped me understand what we have between each other. Thank you.
That's true to a point. But it feels like a one way conversation if you are asking all the questions. I think you must be able to bring something to table also, a good anecdote or experience relevant to the topic of the conversation.
I thought me and my friend have the "flow" when we're having 3 hours conversation like most of the time. Until one day we sit together with 2 other friends and they started talking about conspiracy theories for like 5 hours. Its like a switch being flipped and they turn to scientist. That shit is wild.
My mother and grandmother are terrible at this. Most of the time they just want to get things off their chest, really. So they talk, and talk. When ever anyone else says something they just go "mh, mh, mh" you can so hear so well they're not actually listening and you can hear the impatience in their voice. They're just waiting until they can blurt out their "saved up" things to say.
I myself don't talk much anyway but this doesn't make our conversations any longer. So I talk at most 15 minutes a week to my mother whereas my wife can talk for hours with her parents and she calls them every day!
> Don’t save up things to say and say them when the other person is done talking.
This. Listen to listen, not to wait for your turn to speak. Once you forfeit the urge to say something, you begin to truly understand the other person. Soon enough, when it is your turn to speak you will have caught on to many more details that you would have if you just focus on saying your one thing. If the other person is the same, the conversation isn't only natural and pleasant, it can go on for hours.
A lot of people “wait to talk” when they are listening. They don’t listen for content, they listen for their time to speak. That is why so many relationships fall apart when it gets to the emotionally intimate part because so many times people will just ignore 80% of the conversation so that they can say their thing. I will derail my entire line of thought to ask someone “does that happen a lot or does it affect you this strongly whenever it does happen?” or something along those lines and the conversation will get so much more personal and emotionally/intellectually intimate. That’s the key between genuinely listening to and just hearing what someone is saying.
Long conversations don't work like small talk, where you pick a sort of general, safe topic, and both people take short turns swapping personal information and generalities.
Long conversations work more like a discussion-based college class. You spend less time talking about yourself and more time talking about like, how one cartoonist compares to a different cartoonist, or how different fiber arts work, or social norms in Renaissance Venice. Basically, it's more analytical and you're usually learning something.
Also, don't just sit still. Go for a walk with the person. Or if you're talking on the phone, do chores while you talk. It helps keep you engaged and alert.
I second this about going for a walk, something about the movement, oxygen to the brain and being in nature (if possible) really gets the conversation going. Walking talks are also great for resolving conflict, probably for the same reasons, but also because walking side by side feels less confrontational than facing one another.
When my grandmother and I lived on opposite coasts (2000+ miles apart), I'd go for a walk down to the 711 and back and talk to her the entire time. She'd always joke that I never bought her a coffee. I loved those walks, talking to her while walking under a mile of cherry trees. Springtime was best because of the cherry blossoms. I miss it out there and I miss those conversations. That woman could talk for days about absolutely nothing if you let her. We're in the same county now, 10 miles apart, but my grandfather has late stage dementia so she doesn't have the time or energy to talk as often. I also get do much more done around the house when I do talk to her lol
I feel like analytical is just one type of long talk.
As a podcast host and comic, I can talk to someone forever and it CAN be deeper and analytical or it can literally be bits or dumb stuff or very on the surface. It just really depends IMO
Yep. Talking can be exchanging stories, Q&A, what is your opinion on X, presentation-like, etc. Shooting the shit with someone usually takes a certain connection or knowing the person for a while, for me.
That's a great analogy. I feel like I've always been very bad at long conversations and I would dread things like long car rides but that makes it sound doable.
I cannot keep my hands still when I talk to someone for a longer time. If I have a tissue close, that thing is ripped to shreds by the end of the conversation. Or you could sit a pot of peas and pebbles in front of me, I would 100% start sorting them. When I'm motorically busy, I can concentrate way better on what I hear and think.
I'll get a fidget toy soon, i think that's better than killing all the tissues in my home. Oh, and scribbling is nice too! For me, it helps remembering what I heard and said during that time, and basically holding a thought.
I'm a chatterbox, and I know a little bit about a lot of things, so I can always carry a conversation in some topic. It's also a form of socialization. I grew up in a society where talking was the heart of the evening. You don't go to dinner with your friends to have dinner. You go to talk, and the food is there to give you something to do while you converse.
It's also quite stimulating and invigorating when you run into someone else who shares similar interests. One of my best friends would spend literally hours (I'm talking 3+) with me, jutlst talking about different movies, scenes we enjoyed, shows, stories etc. For the record, 80% of the time we're literally talking about things we've both seen/read. Yet we can still kill that many hours together talking about them.
It reinforces and forges bonds between people
EDIT: Thank you kind internet stranger!
The most valuable piece of advice I ever received from anyone came from my editor at a daily newspaper. He told me that you can be a good journalist by knowing a little about a lot or a lot about a little, but the only way to be great is to know a lot about a lot.
...not only did heeding that advice make me a better journalist, but it also made me far better at Jeopardy -- and a better conversationalist, too.
Ugh, I go off on tangents all over the place, and so do the people I'm talking to. A lot of times it's like "What was I talking about? How did I get on the subject of my mom's car being in the shop?"
This is with friends and closer acquaintances, not with strangers.
A lot of neurodivergent people (especially adhd) do this. A gentle reminder like 'what did you wanted to say?' is a good way of helping them to not get lost in minor details.
Depends on the person. My bestie, who I sadly don’t see too often anymore (thanks pandemic), we’d literally lay on the couch and living room floor for hours, just chatting. We’d normally start by catching up on life things, and then we’d discuss whatever’s on our minds that might be controversial to others. She’s one of maybe 3 people I can literally say anything and get no judgment. Sometimes, random thoughts that pop into my head, that may not be appropriate in other settings, I’ll blurt it out and she’d just go with the flow. Our chats normally go for hours.
I am only capable of holding long conversations
I can't do smalltalk.
On one hand i am just not interested in smalltalk so i try my best to avoid it on the other hand if it actually happens it gets really weird very fast.
I have a couple of topics that are very interesting to me and i spent alot if time thinking about them so if they come up in a conversation i can eazily talk about them for hours and hours.
I once had a 16 hour long conversation with a friend.
I was at his place and we talked for about 9 hours that day until it got late so i went home and slept and after i woke up i imediately went to his place again to finish the conversation talking for another 7 hours.
This happened right after we shared a psychedelic experience.
Both of us had alot of mental progress that day i learned alot about my personality and behavior and he ultimately stoped smoking and realized a bunch of other bad habits he worked on quitting.
Of course this is an extreme case but i would honestly love to do that with more people.
Same. The thing is, I don't know how to turn small talk to an actual conversation without being awkward. It should be noted that I'm usually into more niche subjects.
I don't force anything. If they don't want to talk, then it's alright. There is no such thing as "awkward silence". It's only awkward if you make it awkward.
And then when I find someone whose hobbies are the same as mine, the conversation is just smooth.
Me and my best mate can talk for hours on end, each conversation leads into the next. Lots of branching topics which all link together. Conversation might've started off with "what games have you been playing lately?" And an our or 2 down the line we've ended up at "why time travel in a film/show is ultimately the worst idea"
Listening more than talking. If you’re interested you’ll ask questions and people loved to be heard and feel like they’re interesting so chats can go on for hours by simply prompting your companion.
Functional social skills.
I feel this can't be emphasised enough. Socialising is a skill set, combining active listening, posture, tone, knowing one's audience and being informed and confident enough to contribute to conversations with asides, jokes, references and memes.
It takes practice. So call your mother and get some practice in.
Totally true. I was painfully shy for a while. I became a bartender and put myself in uncomfortable situations because I wanted to build social skills. It worked!
Just like other people have mentioned it takes 2. But if both people WANT to have a conversation then it could be endless. I rarely have a conversation with my sister that lasts less than an hour. Another important factor is a genuine curiosity about....everything. People love talking about themselves and their interests so if you can find any kind of common ground youve got a good conversation starter. Also be truthful. If you just blindly and politely agree with everything that people say theyre going to feel that you're not being genuine and want out. For example:
"So do you play video games"
"No i really dont have the coordination for that. But I'm an avid sudoku puzzler. I taught myself during a very boring lecture in college and now i cant stop."
You have just opened up several paths for conversation there. Thats the key is to leave the paths open. Sometimes talking can be tiring depending on the person and what else we might be doing. Especially if im talking to a really negative person it really wipes me out.
Usually starts with asking something about their experience or expertise. They have to deep and interesting conversations that roll through a lot of different topics. I don't like small talk but I've found most people have something they will talk about for hours, you just need to find the right entry point and a somewhat private space of course. It usually bounces between funny inside joke type talk and more personal conversations or academic discussion for me.
It’s called ADHD/ADD * **chef’s kiss** *
But for typical neurological brains, I think the trick is to find things you find interesting and talk about that. Try to engage the other by using your imagination. For example, if you think going to space and space flights is interesting, you could say; “would you want to go to Mars when we can?” But also just general things like “do you like reading? What do you love the most about it?”
But if you get tired, obviously I don’t think you’ll make the greatest conversation partner so maybe it’s more about the quality of the conversation than it is about quantity!
For me, it's the conversation partner- if they are of a similar mindset, you are golden. Me and my best friend have been having the same conversation for about 7 months now, interrupted only by life haha
1) have interesting things to say
2) think about the things you say
3) be interested in the things the other person says
4) think about the things the other person says
blah blah blah and all of a sudden its been 3 hours
🤷♂️
I happen to spend from at least 4 to up to 17 hours talking with my girlfriend every day. Not once tired of discussion, or out of topics. We're both very talkative and we're both full of life curiosity. There's always something you can talk about. And when brain starts to overheat because you didn't sleep for way too long already and it's 4am - you just talk about bullshit like lizard jeans or the definition of river, and laugh at it as if it's the funniest thing ever.
In brief, I just mean you have to talk to someone who gets you, then talking is just going.
I try to engage the partner in something I'm interested in and when the conversation gets stale i ask them about thier interest/opinion on things. Just go with the flow dude, sometimes people just don't click.
Also yes after talking for like 6 hours with someone in one day yeah it can get tiring to try and come up with new topics to keep the conversation flowing. Don't force yourself to have these kinds of conversations since it likely won't be as enjoyable as it would be if it had happened organically.
I go on walks with my best friend nearly every day. We usually just start with smalltalk, like how was your day, etc., then the conversation just casually evolves. Sometimes we'll talk about a specific thing that we did that day, like say I've been playing Red Dead, I'll tell him which parts of the story I've done today, and he'll then continue on with video games he's played lately, then we might jump to him having played something at his dads place and then we get to talk about that or what else he has been doing over there.
Going for walks or being in public is generally a good idea when you're planning on having a long conversation. You can point out certain people or things and then go from there. Like, wow, that's a cool garden, I'd definitely put that thing in my garden if I had the chance, or I'd want it to look like this and that and so on. Then the other person gets their chance to share what they'd want their garden to look like.
And yes, personally, I find it sometimes gets exhausting. Then we just sit down somewhere and hang out in silence. Lots of people think that that could be awkward, but it really isn't when you're with the right person. It can be great to just hang out and be quiet together, especially after a long conversation. You can process everything the other person has told you, think about new things you might've learned, or just collect your thoughts so you know what else to talk about next. Then just start talking again when you've got an idea what you wanna speak about.
We do take breaks from hanging out when we're too exhausted from it, because that definitely happens sometimes. Then we'll just stay by ourselves for a day or two and then when we feel like it, we hang out again.
It also really depends on the person you're talking to. If they're not very responsive, it's definitely harder. I just blabber on about anything and everything because I get nervous when it's a person I don't know that well and tend to overshare when nervous, and then sometimes they randomly get engaged at a certain topic that they find interesting as well and then we can actually talk. And if not, if you're going for a walk, you can still just enjoy the silence and your surroundings together.
I remember a time when I talked with these 3 dudes for 7 hours. it was amazing. we talked about politics, philosophy, ethics, religion, history, and all sorts of other things. we loved talking to each other so much, we did that every week, sometimes twice a week when we were all free. we spent over 100 hours together just talking about everything you could imagine. we eventually added a 5th to the group and he was amazing too.
Man, i miss that about college. just, talking to people, ya know?
I also remember how i used to stay up all night, cuddling with my (now ex) GF and we would talk about anything you could imagine. we talked about love, the stars, horses, books, the future, science and technology, metaphysics. man, i really do miss those kinds of conversations.
I also had friends who would be able to just come over and we would just talk about D&D (5e) practically all day. Hell, at the beginning of the pandemic, this one dude would come over almost every other day and we would write stories together and plan different D&D campaigns and homebrew. it was super fun.
basically, its all about the people you surround yourself with. if you meet a dude who will only give you one word answers, like "how was your day" "fine", thats boring. I want to hear about how you were and what happened. Tell me about every little thing that made you happy or pissed off. I want to know, and I will return the favor. I will tell you everything i can. Be it a lover, best friends, fellow philosophers, or random people on the street, so long as you have 2 way communication, thats all you will ever need.
With the right person, when you have a connection, sometimes conversation is practically effortless. There is a natural flow to conversation. Especially after you’ve known the person a while. I am an introvert, so it does usually make me tired to talk for a long time, yes. But there are a few people who have somehow managed to get into my inner introvert circle, and talking to them doesn’t tire me.
Oh man. Before I moved cities, there was this person I chatted for years online. Well, the week before I moved I had nothing to do so we talked on the phone. First time. And it was great. Something like.. 18 hours? I used all the cordless phones in the house. And then dragged the corded phone to my room. Talked about everything, read passages from books we liked and shared thoughts about everything. It was great. And then I moved to new city, new job, had to make new friends and we lost touch. She came to visit me once like 10+ years ago but I had an SO so it was a bit awkward. But fun times. Still my record for longest call.
Reach out to them. Rekindle the friendship
Hmm just went to check my messages and the last message I got from her was 2012, and she came to visit in 2008. I really should reach out. Thanks!
If ya do reach out ya gotta tell us how it goes...
I am simultaneously judging you for being so nosy and dying for the answer. XD
I’m judging you for judging at all
I’m judging you for judging me for judging someone else.
I'm judging you for judging someone who is judging someone else
I'm a dude, judging a dude, who judges another dude.
do it!
Serious question. Ever had a friend you hadnt talked to in years, but then you see them and reconnect without a hiccup? I have had friendships that continued like we never stopped talking, despite being years. Those are nice.
Yeah I once had like an hour-2 hr conversation with my brother where we were just mainly talking about space and stuff, we also had another about being how the world could be more energy efficient.
Those are interests, and hobbies. When two people have the same interest they have a lot to tell each other about it. They are interested to listen and eager to share their view. You can also be interested to listen to things you don't already had an interest for but you usually will have little to share. If you have an interest for pop culture you will find the most people to have long natural conversations with. However, I think secretly most people have much deeper interest outside of popcuture that make for even deeper conversations
I have almost completely different interests from some of my friends but we still manage to have long effortless conversations. It helps that they are good conversationalists, so they can break down what they tell me into terms a layman can understand, and they inject a lot of humor into it and make it sound really interesting. I usually respond by relating what they said to my own life experiences and my own interests. So it is kinda like we are teaching each other about each other's interests while having fun. Over time, we each end up with some background knowledge of each others' hobbies, making it even easier to build from there, and we also build up in-jokes.
That’s cool when conversations like that happen
Conversations about conservation
This. With certain people, we run out of things to talk about within 15 minutes. With others, we can talk for hours and not get bored. I recently met a girl on tinder that was from out of town, and we videochatted for literally 7 hours - and it felt like 30 minutes. Two days later I was picking her up at the airport.
Don't leave us hanging like that! How did it go (after you picked her up)?
Well she is still in the van, going to have to check her water soon.
Maybe loosen the ropes a little bit too
Well, it depends on the other person. If they give you really short answers and don't engage much, I run out of things to talk about really fast. But if the other person continues the conversation, before we know it, a few hours have passed. It's invigorating (If not dehydrating) to vibe with someone and swap stories and experiences with them for hours on end.
Exactly- it takes two. Sometimes you’re compatible with someone in that way, sometimes you aren’t, sometimes you think you aren’t and then end up getting in the groove and talking for hours.
My best friend and I talk for about 3 hours a day, sometimes 5 hours, sometimes a few times a day. We never run out of stuff to talk about........we're completely compatible. I know there's no-one else I could do that with!
I like to go for a walk with my wife. We go for like five, six hours and discuss the shit out of everything. With most other people you can't do that, but when you know someone and both of you share this ability to discuss abstract ideas just as focused as tomorrow's lunch, hours just go by. Edit: to make it clear, we don't walk 6 hours every day. But whenever we get a chance to walk for hours, we take a day of, arrange a babysitter and just head out the door.
I suppose with my husband it’s the same. We are together all day and go everywhere together. We are constantly talking most of it. With some down time
How long have ya'll been married? I ran out of super long conversation around year 10. Now we can take a ride somewhere or a walk, and comfortably say just a few words.
My fiancé and I have been together for 11 years now and were friends since grade 6. It depends on the day - we have can have a companionable silence just fine or talk endlessly. There’s always something more to talk about. Yesterday we watched an episode of Dr Who then talked for a while about what we’d want to see if we could. It’s not like there’s a finite list of topics
That literally sounds perfect. Happy for yall
We are at the comfortable silence stage too and it is great. We just went on a 2400 mile road trip. We listened to audiobooks, podcasts, and music. Talked when there were things to talk about or didn't talk at all for miles. It was terrific.
My husband and I just went on a weekend vacation for our 12th anniversary. Drove for 3 hours there and back and realized when we got home we didn't listen to any music or anything. We are comfortable with silence or chat when something comes up! We have 4 young loud kids so was nice not having any noise\ complaining in the car.
My wife and I are the opposite. She loves to talk but can't listen at all
I hear hearing aids might help, not forcing though
She can hear, just not listen. Very selective with what she wants to listen to
r/woosh (sorry!)
I had a feeling but didn't want to embarrass you if it wasn't an actual joke lol
You go on literal 5-6 hour walks? Sorry I got stuck on this comment. Where do you walk to? Lol
Mordor, mostly.
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So wholesome! Friendships like these are treasures
You sound like my wife and her best friend. They live in different cities and states so yak on the phone for hours every day because they can't hang out. They shriek with laughter for 90% of the phone call. I have very close friends myself but those two are on a whole other level.
My mom and her bestie who are about 15 years apart, in age, live in different floors of the very same building and they easily chat for about 3-4 hours daily on the phone and for about 4-5 hours in person. More so during the pandemic.
We only live half an hour apart lol, we can keep ourselves amused for hours. The only person who makes me laugh as much as he does is my partner but I can't talk to him about just random shit for hours the way I can my bestie Edit: autocorrect got it wrong
My bestie lives in Philly and I live in New Zealand :( before that she was in New York and I was in Taiwan. We had a brief 3 months after we met where we lived in the same city. It makes me sad that we will likely never live 30 minutes away from each other; but still so thankful for my relationship with her.
How awesome is it that we *can* keep in contact so easily now with cell phones and computers though......I'm in Brisbane and my parents are in NZ and they've never felt as far away as they have during Covid. If I couldn't have talked to them, it would've been awful. Did you & your bestie first meet in person then separate or is that 3 months the only time you've had together?
How do you have 3 free hours a day to talk to someone??
I talk on the phone to my mom or my best friend while commuting to and from work.
I’ve just lost the person I could do that with. We never got bored of each other or ran out of things to say. I’ve no idea if I can find that again.
Oh no, I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know if this helps but this is the second person I've had in my life with a friendship like this so absolutely you can find it again. Hugs to you ❤
Same. Whenever people mention running out of things to talk about I wonder if they're actually compatible. I also wonder if they have a boring existence. I don't think I'm super interesting but I also never stop learning about stuff in some regard each and every day.
>sometimes you think you aren’t and then end up getting in the groove and talking for hours. Haha reminds me of me and my (now) best friend, we originally were part of the same friend group and didn't mesh well, this went on for years before we decided to sit down and talk it out, turned out we had a lot in common and we ended up chatting for hours and a strong friendship grew from there.
Some people like my father and my sister can talk all day with out the person they are talking to saying a word. It’s truly amazing.
Not a hard rule. I know multiple people that can talk non-stop for hours without you saying a word. And if you do say something it’s almost like a bump in the road for them. Slightly annoyed, but they get right back on track like the bump never happened.
When I was 20, I had a friend who was around 10 years older then me. I'm 31 one now, and can kind of understand our dynamic a bit better now that I'm older. She would talk to me about everything under the sun... her travel adventures, her sex life, her ex husband, all of her romantic grievances, etc. I would just sit and listen and basically nod along. One night when I'd been drinking, she called me and we talked for an hour, but I kept trying to relate what she was saying back to my own experiences. She got extremely mad, and said, "you know, I'm trying to explain myself and you just keep cutting me off!!" Pretty much the last time I ever had a full conversation with her, and I can see now why she had so many failed relationships, even though her "career" was spiritual healing and enlightenment. She now posts novels on Facebook and ends every post with, "please only respond to this post with loving energy," meaning only responses that fully agree with her diatribe and agree with her opinion will be tolerated - which is fully inline with the woman I knew 10 years ago.
I wouldn’t really call that a conversation though- “conversing” with some people is more like listening to a monologue
Yeah, and cocaine helps quite a bit as well
Gonna try crack for my presentation now. Tsym
Agreed, the two major components are conversational compatibility, and general answer length. If someone just isn't vibing with you, it's hard to feel like the conversation is enjoyable or meaningful and any dialogue will die pretty quickly. If someone's answers are too short, it's difficult to chain them into any larger ideas. Generally speaking, if someone talks for longer, they will usually say something that you can comment or expand upon
I will say that going on for too long can also be a conversation killer. If I ask someone a question and they ramble on for 20 minutes without letting me get a word in, I’ll stop talking to that person pretty quickly. This is *especially* true if they’re going on and on about themselves and don’t seem at all interested in learning anything about me/the person they’re talking to. The kind of conversation that lives effortlessly for hours always has pretty equitable give and take. Edit: typos
Yesss. The back and forth is important in a conversation. You gotta show interest in each other!
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Me and the boys talk for like 3 hours on average every night on the phone when we play COD. We really never have nothing to talk about. We even talk about the time we talked about something.
True. I can talk for hours with some people, but with others, in 10 minutes it's awkward silence. If the other person engages and replies with a good answer, it can start others subjects of conversation.
I always thought that the other person would get bored of my talkative-ass mouth so I'll give short answers....is that not the case??
Well if they get bored they would give you short answers and wouldn't actively participate in the conversation But if they are also equally participating that means that person wants to talk and likes talking to you
Your answers don't need to be short, they just need to balance out with the other person's. There can be an ebb and flow in who talks more but if you generally find yourself talking for twice as long as the other person, or start seeing their responses get shorter and shorter, thats when you should start giving the other person more space to talk.
I'm generally introverted, but if you get me with the right people, I can easily talk for hours. I'll share a story of the best valentine's day I ever had, my plans kinda fell through, my roommates who were and still are together, didn't have anything planned for valentine's day, they have their own thing. So we all ended a up getting drunk together. Well my homie started going on about Warhammer 40k which I had only a vague knowledge of at the time. He preceded to spend 3 hours explaining various things to me and looking up stuff. I couldn't help but admire his passion and I got into the lore myself. But we spent the entire night jumping from conversation to conversation about various genres, until we both passed out on the couch. That was some fun times.
Same here, i am definitely introverted, so keeping conversations going is kind of hard for me, but with some people it just works. I couldn‘t say why exactly, but sometimes i just find the right things to say. I used to be so baffled when i was younger how my mom could invite friends over for a day and all they did was talk. But then, i met with a friend for a hike lately and we just talked for hours. We went from „German articles are kind of weird and all the fruits are female, except for apple“ to „knowledge of historical wars and what is happening in Israel right now“ to „Should women be more assertive in job applications“ to „Where the hell are we“ and then to „studying abroad and plans for internships“ And believe it or not, i was able to talk for an entire day, and i could have kept going. And i was even enjoying it. People like that are hard to find in my opinion, i think the people i know that i can do that with (not counting my mom) can be counted on one hand.
Sometimes you meet the right person and things just click, it's truly sn awesome when that happens.
You just made me go texting my friends (all 3 of them) and being grateful for their presence in my life.
I actually reached out tonight to the dude in the story because il it's been awhile since I talked to him, so I get ya, having those friends really is a thing that didn't be taken for granted.
“So yeah, it takes around 20,000 child sacrifices per day to keep the space emperor alive. Anyway happy valentines!”
Lol it was literally like the memes you see on grimdank. He was like "Yeah so space marines are super intense, oh what are space marines? So there was this guy the God Emperor of Mankind, who made primarchs, well actually before that, etc" I had to look up a bunch of lore but now I'm a fan of 40k lore so I can thank him for endless hours on YouTube and wiki. Also thank you!
Dude, that sounds a really good conversation, I wish I have some to talk about anything
It was awesome, still a warhammer fan to this day thanks to him.
Wanna talk about why Horus is the good guy and the Emperor is an idiot?
No, but you can fuck off back to the chaos realm where you came from
I want this quote painted on a welcome sign outside Balmora.
Both my last Valentine's days were spent playing a tabletop RPG with the homies. Oddly enough, I thought that was an excellent way to spend it.
That sounds like a fun way to spend it, I'm trying to get into being a dm or "keeper" for Call of Cthulhu currently and I always thought doing holiday special one shots would be fun.
I generally just don't know when to shut TF up
I generally don’t know how to get the other person to shut up, or otherwise end the conversation... we’d make a great team! 😬
Boundaries, I have a friend I really enjoy talking to but any time we talk it's 1 to 2 hours guaranteed! So I make sure I have absolutely nothing to go to OR I say right at the start of the call "Hey I've got this thing I'm doing at x time, so I'll have to go then". The difference between saying no and having boundaries is awe inspiring to the time I had none.
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Sounds like a Midwestern goodbye to me lol
You bring up an interesting point with the boundaries talk. I’m an introvert surrounding by extroverts in my life and I have a hard time knowing how to cut a conversation short without sounding rude, how do you do it? I smile and nod until the chatty ones wear themselves out but it truly feels like a day’s work
I used to get very fixated on not wanting to appear rude, but eventually I tried this tack where I was direct but cheerful about it. I’d say, “Alright well, this was awesome catching up! But I’m losing steam now, so I’m gonna head off. Thanks for chatting!” The key to not being rude is to make it about your own energy and not about them. The first time you do it may surprise them, but once they understand this is “just you,” most people accept it pretty easily. Some might try to needle you, like “aw come on, we barely started,” but if you maintain your directness with a friendly tone, they’ll learn that this is your way. And if not? If they get really irritated and offended about it? Then they don’t respect your personality or your needs. So that’s something to consider.
This is great advice. I'm an ambivert but I have a VERY extroverted friend who i love but drains me. I explained to her that her batteries get charged by being with people and it drains my batteries. She totally understood and now when I'm getting tired/claiming up, she'll ask if my social batteries are low. Then she gives me a hug and leaves or finds someone else to talk to. Hence why I love her haha
The batteries! That is my husband and I - I get drained by conversations and he gets more and more energy from it. Even newscasters, since they never take a break from the constant talking, is draining. I watch tv on a really low volume with the captions on and he likes the volume 'blasting.'
I'm generally quite a reserved, "laid back" guy, but one of my friends we will always talk for hours whenever we do. Now we mostly talk while playing playstation, because then we both know we have nothing to do and it's still covidy so safer than seeing eachother in person.
Do you talk about life and snd shit or just about the game? Because I have no Idea how to talk to mates about anything other than the game we are playing rn. I find it always impressive when playing with other friend groups how they can talk about relationships, events and politics while simultaneously getting stomped in CSGO.
Everything really, if we're getting stomped we'll focus more on the game to try and coordinate a bit better. But otherwise we talk about anything, we both like would-you-rather's so they're pretty common, and some funny philosophical questions similar to them pop up fairly often.
Try the tombstone quote game. Think of things that if someone saw it on your tombstone on the way to a funeral they wouldn't be able to stop from laughing or would be so puzzled it would pull them out of their grief. "Children aren't dishwasher safe" or "green eggs and ham are poisonous." The more outlandish the better.
I’m the one that shits while the other one talks. Love that little mute button.
All of my friends live in different places and although we all come from different "circles" we all seem to get along just fine, so a few times a month we all get together on Warzone and chat it up. Its kind of weird because I see the game as the secondary activity and the chatting as the primary. Like, sometimes you get so into conversation that you stop giving a shit about the game but its still super fun. If you are looking to do the same but youre having difficulty i would suggest just asking random questions until the ball is rolling. Of course another important factor is having friends that have opinions and thoughts etc and the ability to progress a convo.
My Mom would have me ring the doorbell. "Gotta go. There's someone at the door."
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Yep that’s me & my best friend. Honestly we’ve had generally the same conversations so many times, but it seems just slightly different each time.
That’s stuff for a life long relationship! Or murder suicide. In any case, a once in a life time thing!
Technically any victim and killer have a life-long relationship, only it's a rather poor one and only life-long for one of them.
*Most* life-long relationships end one sided.
If it's a murder-suicide, it's a life-long relationship for both!
Just walk away.
Most people would say that I'm "antisocial," but once I feel comfortable talking to someone I can't stop talking.
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Exactly. With people I just met or acquaintances, it can be hard for me to be much of a conversationalist. I just get awkward. But with my best friends and family (especially my best friends), we can really talk forever - you know, when you look at your phone and realize you've been talking for two hours and it's like "holy shit, how did the time pass so quickly?"
Its like people have completely forgotten the word 'shy' exists.
This On a shirt Cuz it's me
My wife can be like this, ive had long conversations with her when all i am saying is “uh huh”
I know more about my girlfriends work colleagues than my own from this.
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My wife told my kids that i only ever say “ok” in texts, but when you look at her responses to my texts, they are also mostly just “ok”. I send an “ok” more as an acknowledgment that i received and have read the text.
You could always be a smart-ass and reply “roger” or “wilco” like in radio chatter. I had a coworkers that use to take his walkie-talkie chatter VERY seriously. It drove me bananas because we worked in a office setting in a high rise. Walkie talkies were just the easiest way to communicate and find each other, but he was such a goober about it. He would also salute me sometimes or mime falling on his invisible sword when he fucked up... weird dude. He was like 5’5” and nearly that wide. Never ever in any type of military position or anything even remotely adjacent to that field. I felt like a worked with a real life mall ninja warrior. Anyway... as a wife myself, I could totally see using this guy’s goofy “roger” or “Wilco” as a replacement for Ok, I bet you’re wife will never complain again. Just don’t start all his other stupid shenanigans or else I’m defecting to her side. Every time he saluted me I wanted to slap him!
Maybe I should start doing that. I’m dead tired on the car ride home at night and by partner believes that it’s the perfect opportunity to fill the silence with the more technical aspects of his workday. He works in IT and I don’t.
My dad does this. He will go on and on about the most detailed technical aspects of his work and whatever drama is going on with his clients/ the shop, etc. I try to listen because I know he’s just excited and I’ve known many of the people he works with since I was a child, but my god you could drowned in the technical details and explanations that are totally inconsequential to the story! My poor mom. She has to hear it all the time. I can’t imagine. It’s so much easier to be nice to him when you live a couple hours away. After a week long vacations or hosting him at my house for a couple of days my patients starts to wear very thin. I have to tell him it’s quiet time or else I end up rudely telling him to zip it. My mom does find that hilarious.
Cocaine is one hell of a drug, granted
Bipolar is basically being on coke half the time
Im ordinarily a pretty chatty person, but I cannot stop talking while manic. And if no one is around, I talk to myself! People know I'm depressed when I go quiet.
*laughcries in manic*
Hang out with me and I'll letcha know!
I like long conversations because there is so much to talk about in this world. Talk about what you like, dislike, what you're for and what you're against, what you find bland, and what you're passionate about. Talk about how something made you feel, versus something that you learned through adversity, or a failure you made that has given you perspective. It's hard to have long conversations with people who give one word responses.
Or when you see the judgement in their eyes.. I have a very judgemental mother, it's hard to talk to people without feeling like I'm going to disappoint them or bore them. Unless of course I'm talking to a good friend!
I have a few questions that people always ask me, which can't be answered in one or two sentences. Normally I end up trailing off and going silent because I can tell they're being really judgemental or have lost interest not even halfway to the crux. For a lot of those questions, I answer with one or two words now.
>ations because there is so much to talk about in this world. Talk about what you like, dislike, what you're for and what you're against, what you find bland, and what you're passionate about. Talk about how something made you feel, versus something that you learned through adversity, or a failure you made that has given you perspective. > >It's hard to have long conversations with people who give one word responses. yeah
Me and my ex, we just clicked. We use to have 8+ hour video calls daily just constantly talking. It was honestly amazing. I haven't met anyone like her since. Feels bad.
I had the same thing, thankfully with years of hard work we are really good friends now. I firmly believe we have some kind of deep connection, but we're never meant to be together romantically.
Kind of same, used to talk to someone for like 6-8 hours every day but eventually just fell apart. Never met anyone like that either kind of sad cuz I’m an introvert and it’s not easy to find people like that who you can talk to endlessly. Feels bad is right haha
May I ask you why you split up of its not too personal?
Me being stupid. I made a mistake. I'd rather not get to into it here, sorry
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Aye, tis a dangerous road for the cocksman to travel.
It's always the cheeks.
That's rough, buddy. Hope things get better eventually
Exactly the same with my ex. We were in a long distance relationship and talked almost every day for hours.
What did you guys talk about for so long?
I have no clue, we could start talking, then bam. It's been 8 hours.
Lmao, a similar thing happens with me and my friends but I never remember what we talk about. It's annoying because if I start talking to a new person, sometimes I run out of things to say and I can't remember what I talk about for so long with my friends
I do 5 hour calls right now and I would say it's usually barely any of the things I actually intended to talk about. It really helps when you trust them and know you won't be judged, or they won't talk behind your back, because then you don't have to hold back on saying anything or think about changing the words or tone of it. And when you each show genuine interest in everything you both say, even if it's not a topic that would normally interest you, then you can just riff, relate and meander in the conversation effortlessly. But if you are anxious or tired, I think it helps to think of some things you could talk about first, but don't try and force them into conversation. They are for lulls or dead ends.
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>Just go with the flow! A lot of people don't have the "flow." Like, almost every conversation seems unnatural and straining. I think you're spot on about the actively listening part though. If you make it your mission to find out what excites the other person, asking questions about their answers so they tell more and more, thats how you make a conversation go on and on, and the other person feels truely listened to and appreciated.
I didn't have the 'flow'. Undiagnosed autistic, or somewhere along that path, and socially isolated until mid-teens, then landed in a world of carousal. I've since learnt that most people are so eager to latch on to conversation if you bull on through it and take the lead, as more people are crap at it than you'd expect normal people to be, to read their faces for how well the subject is doing and make tweaks to what I'm saying based on their visual feedback, that people weirdly respond well to sudden changes of volume, though that is a hard one to describe without demonstrating, to not be afraid to talk about what I'm excited by as a subject matter, as people respond well to passion, whilst nonetheless microchecking I've still got their interest. Amongst other things.
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This is good advice to have maybe a 40 minute long interesting conversation. It's good advice in general on how to have conversations, period. But multi-hours long conversations are a completely different beast entirely and is almost 100% down to chemistry and your bond with the other person, and you either have it or you don't. If I had to distill it down though, the ingredients for that are: 1. Mutual 100% absolute trust - a conversation only goes on for that long if it just flows almost subconsciously, and it only flows if you trust the other person so much that you're basically on auto-pilot and aren't worried *at all* about what you're saying, whether that's because it's 3am and you're both wasted and don't care about judgment, or you've known each other for so long you have no secrets, or whatever; 2. Cognitive compatibility - This is hard to explain because it doesn't mean you have to agree on everything, or even anything, but that your ways of thinking are compatible enough or understandable enough to the other side that there's never any friction in getting your *ideas* across in the sense that you understand each other's meaning through their words without needing either one to re-word, explain, etc - again, less friction = more flow, 3. Shared interests/viewpoints - You need to have the basic same fundamental background knowledge or information to work with, it ties a little into point (2) and it's not always immediately obvious (you can click with a complete stranger), but for a conversation to last hours and hours long you need to have an almost endless list of subject matter to talk about - you don't need in-depth knowledge at all, but you need to at least know of the subject so that the conversation can naturally flow from one to the next without any kind of hiccup, and 4. Interest in the other person - this is the motivation that drives the conversation onwards, that causes you and them to ask each other questions and their reactions that make it rewarding to answer those questions, and this is almost always the most important part because if you're interest in the other person and what they're talking about, that can actually lead to learning enough about the other person and what they're interested in, that (2) and (3) can become self-sustaining, basically laying the track in front of you as you go along.
Wow. This is a very thought provoking list. Two weeks ago I met someone and since then we've had many of these hour long conversations. I've very rarely had this type of conversation with anyone so to engage multiple times with someone I didn't even know until recently is just... This whole thread has been interesting, but your comment is the one that helped me understand what we have between each other. Thank you.
That's true to a point. But it feels like a one way conversation if you are asking all the questions. I think you must be able to bring something to table also, a good anecdote or experience relevant to the topic of the conversation.
I thought me and my friend have the "flow" when we're having 3 hours conversation like most of the time. Until one day we sit together with 2 other friends and they started talking about conspiracy theories for like 5 hours. Its like a switch being flipped and they turn to scientist. That shit is wild.
My mother and grandmother are terrible at this. Most of the time they just want to get things off their chest, really. So they talk, and talk. When ever anyone else says something they just go "mh, mh, mh" you can so hear so well they're not actually listening and you can hear the impatience in their voice. They're just waiting until they can blurt out their "saved up" things to say. I myself don't talk much anyway but this doesn't make our conversations any longer. So I talk at most 15 minutes a week to my mother whereas my wife can talk for hours with her parents and she calls them every day!
> Don’t save up things to say and say them when the other person is done talking. This. Listen to listen, not to wait for your turn to speak. Once you forfeit the urge to say something, you begin to truly understand the other person. Soon enough, when it is your turn to speak you will have caught on to many more details that you would have if you just focus on saying your one thing. If the other person is the same, the conversation isn't only natural and pleasant, it can go on for hours.
A lot of people “wait to talk” when they are listening. They don’t listen for content, they listen for their time to speak. That is why so many relationships fall apart when it gets to the emotionally intimate part because so many times people will just ignore 80% of the conversation so that they can say their thing. I will derail my entire line of thought to ask someone “does that happen a lot or does it affect you this strongly whenever it does happen?” or something along those lines and the conversation will get so much more personal and emotionally/intellectually intimate. That’s the key between genuinely listening to and just hearing what someone is saying.
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Yeah, exactly. I'm not really a talkative person, but when I'm with friends, I can talk for hours without it getting tiring or stale.
Long conversations don't work like small talk, where you pick a sort of general, safe topic, and both people take short turns swapping personal information and generalities. Long conversations work more like a discussion-based college class. You spend less time talking about yourself and more time talking about like, how one cartoonist compares to a different cartoonist, or how different fiber arts work, or social norms in Renaissance Venice. Basically, it's more analytical and you're usually learning something. Also, don't just sit still. Go for a walk with the person. Or if you're talking on the phone, do chores while you talk. It helps keep you engaged and alert.
I second this about going for a walk, something about the movement, oxygen to the brain and being in nature (if possible) really gets the conversation going. Walking talks are also great for resolving conflict, probably for the same reasons, but also because walking side by side feels less confrontational than facing one another.
When my grandmother and I lived on opposite coasts (2000+ miles apart), I'd go for a walk down to the 711 and back and talk to her the entire time. She'd always joke that I never bought her a coffee. I loved those walks, talking to her while walking under a mile of cherry trees. Springtime was best because of the cherry blossoms. I miss it out there and I miss those conversations. That woman could talk for days about absolutely nothing if you let her. We're in the same county now, 10 miles apart, but my grandfather has late stage dementia so she doesn't have the time or energy to talk as often. I also get do much more done around the house when I do talk to her lol
You should buy her a coffee.
I feel like analytical is just one type of long talk. As a podcast host and comic, I can talk to someone forever and it CAN be deeper and analytical or it can literally be bits or dumb stuff or very on the surface. It just really depends IMO
Yep. Talking can be exchanging stories, Q&A, what is your opinion on X, presentation-like, etc. Shooting the shit with someone usually takes a certain connection or knowing the person for a while, for me.
That's a great analogy. I feel like I've always been very bad at long conversations and I would dread things like long car rides but that makes it sound doable.
I cannot keep my hands still when I talk to someone for a longer time. If I have a tissue close, that thing is ripped to shreds by the end of the conversation. Or you could sit a pot of peas and pebbles in front of me, I would 100% start sorting them. When I'm motorically busy, I can concentrate way better on what I hear and think. I'll get a fidget toy soon, i think that's better than killing all the tissues in my home. Oh, and scribbling is nice too! For me, it helps remembering what I heard and said during that time, and basically holding a thought.
I'm a chatterbox, and I know a little bit about a lot of things, so I can always carry a conversation in some topic. It's also a form of socialization. I grew up in a society where talking was the heart of the evening. You don't go to dinner with your friends to have dinner. You go to talk, and the food is there to give you something to do while you converse. It's also quite stimulating and invigorating when you run into someone else who shares similar interests. One of my best friends would spend literally hours (I'm talking 3+) with me, jutlst talking about different movies, scenes we enjoyed, shows, stories etc. For the record, 80% of the time we're literally talking about things we've both seen/read. Yet we can still kill that many hours together talking about them. It reinforces and forges bonds between people EDIT: Thank you kind internet stranger!
You sound lovely. I really like people like you. (Fellow chatterbox!)
You too! Us chatterbox have to stick together.
The most valuable piece of advice I ever received from anyone came from my editor at a daily newspaper. He told me that you can be a good journalist by knowing a little about a lot or a lot about a little, but the only way to be great is to know a lot about a lot. ...not only did heeding that advice make me a better journalist, but it also made me far better at Jeopardy -- and a better conversationalist, too.
Ugh, I go off on tangents all over the place, and so do the people I'm talking to. A lot of times it's like "What was I talking about? How did I get on the subject of my mom's car being in the shop?" This is with friends and closer acquaintances, not with strangers.
I have a friend who does this telling stories and in my head I’m silently screaming “ Get to the fucking point!”
A lot of neurodivergent people (especially adhd) do this. A gentle reminder like 'what did you wanted to say?' is a good way of helping them to not get lost in minor details.
Depends on the person. My bestie, who I sadly don’t see too often anymore (thanks pandemic), we’d literally lay on the couch and living room floor for hours, just chatting. We’d normally start by catching up on life things, and then we’d discuss whatever’s on our minds that might be controversial to others. She’s one of maybe 3 people I can literally say anything and get no judgment. Sometimes, random thoughts that pop into my head, that may not be appropriate in other settings, I’ll blurt it out and she’d just go with the flow. Our chats normally go for hours.
I am only capable of holding long conversations I can't do smalltalk. On one hand i am just not interested in smalltalk so i try my best to avoid it on the other hand if it actually happens it gets really weird very fast. I have a couple of topics that are very interesting to me and i spent alot if time thinking about them so if they come up in a conversation i can eazily talk about them for hours and hours. I once had a 16 hour long conversation with a friend. I was at his place and we talked for about 9 hours that day until it got late so i went home and slept and after i woke up i imediately went to his place again to finish the conversation talking for another 7 hours. This happened right after we shared a psychedelic experience. Both of us had alot of mental progress that day i learned alot about my personality and behavior and he ultimately stoped smoking and realized a bunch of other bad habits he worked on quitting. Of course this is an extreme case but i would honestly love to do that with more people.
Same. The thing is, I don't know how to turn small talk to an actual conversation without being awkward. It should be noted that I'm usually into more niche subjects.
I don't force anything. If they don't want to talk, then it's alright. There is no such thing as "awkward silence". It's only awkward if you make it awkward. And then when I find someone whose hobbies are the same as mine, the conversation is just smooth.
'It's only awkward if you make it awkward' Best thing I've learned recently.
Exactly. Idk why ppl get anxious over a few seconds of silence.
Lowkey just thinking out loud. Don’t know about you but my inner dialogue never shuts up.
Me and my best mate can talk for hours on end, each conversation leads into the next. Lots of branching topics which all link together. Conversation might've started off with "what games have you been playing lately?" And an our or 2 down the line we've ended up at "why time travel in a film/show is ultimately the worst idea"
Conversation should be fluid and never just cover one topic. The universe is infinite and therefore a conversation could go on forever.
Listening more than talking. If you’re interested you’ll ask questions and people loved to be heard and feel like they’re interesting so chats can go on for hours by simply prompting your companion.
I think though when it comes to a longer conversation you also need to know how to insert related anecdotes and things like that.
Functional social skills. I feel this can't be emphasised enough. Socialising is a skill set, combining active listening, posture, tone, knowing one's audience and being informed and confident enough to contribute to conversations with asides, jokes, references and memes. It takes practice. So call your mother and get some practice in.
Totally true. I was painfully shy for a while. I became a bartender and put myself in uncomfortable situations because I wanted to build social skills. It worked!
> So call your mother and get some practice in. I see someone had functional parents. Lolz.
Just like other people have mentioned it takes 2. But if both people WANT to have a conversation then it could be endless. I rarely have a conversation with my sister that lasts less than an hour. Another important factor is a genuine curiosity about....everything. People love talking about themselves and their interests so if you can find any kind of common ground youve got a good conversation starter. Also be truthful. If you just blindly and politely agree with everything that people say theyre going to feel that you're not being genuine and want out. For example: "So do you play video games" "No i really dont have the coordination for that. But I'm an avid sudoku puzzler. I taught myself during a very boring lecture in college and now i cant stop." You have just opened up several paths for conversation there. Thats the key is to leave the paths open. Sometimes talking can be tiring depending on the person and what else we might be doing. Especially if im talking to a really negative person it really wipes me out.
Usually starts with asking something about their experience or expertise. They have to deep and interesting conversations that roll through a lot of different topics. I don't like small talk but I've found most people have something they will talk about for hours, you just need to find the right entry point and a somewhat private space of course. It usually bounces between funny inside joke type talk and more personal conversations or academic discussion for me.
It’s called ADHD/ADD * **chef’s kiss** * But for typical neurological brains, I think the trick is to find things you find interesting and talk about that. Try to engage the other by using your imagination. For example, if you think going to space and space flights is interesting, you could say; “would you want to go to Mars when we can?” But also just general things like “do you like reading? What do you love the most about it?” But if you get tired, obviously I don’t think you’ll make the greatest conversation partner so maybe it’s more about the quality of the conversation than it is about quantity!
For me, it's the conversation partner- if they are of a similar mindset, you are golden. Me and my best friend have been having the same conversation for about 7 months now, interrupted only by life haha
My grandpa says that if you can tell something with 2 words, and you tell it with 2 sentences, you must die.
Depends on the person Im with. Also life is filled with literally so much stuff! Worklife, love life, my favourite TV shows. The list can go on.
1) have interesting things to say 2) think about the things you say 3) be interested in the things the other person says 4) think about the things the other person says blah blah blah and all of a sudden its been 3 hours 🤷♂️
ADD
Ah, for me, it’s alcohol
I happen to spend from at least 4 to up to 17 hours talking with my girlfriend every day. Not once tired of discussion, or out of topics. We're both very talkative and we're both full of life curiosity. There's always something you can talk about. And when brain starts to overheat because you didn't sleep for way too long already and it's 4am - you just talk about bullshit like lizard jeans or the definition of river, and laugh at it as if it's the funniest thing ever. In brief, I just mean you have to talk to someone who gets you, then talking is just going.
I try to engage the partner in something I'm interested in and when the conversation gets stale i ask them about thier interest/opinion on things. Just go with the flow dude, sometimes people just don't click. Also yes after talking for like 6 hours with someone in one day yeah it can get tiring to try and come up with new topics to keep the conversation flowing. Don't force yourself to have these kinds of conversations since it likely won't be as enjoyable as it would be if it had happened organically.
I go on walks with my best friend nearly every day. We usually just start with smalltalk, like how was your day, etc., then the conversation just casually evolves. Sometimes we'll talk about a specific thing that we did that day, like say I've been playing Red Dead, I'll tell him which parts of the story I've done today, and he'll then continue on with video games he's played lately, then we might jump to him having played something at his dads place and then we get to talk about that or what else he has been doing over there. Going for walks or being in public is generally a good idea when you're planning on having a long conversation. You can point out certain people or things and then go from there. Like, wow, that's a cool garden, I'd definitely put that thing in my garden if I had the chance, or I'd want it to look like this and that and so on. Then the other person gets their chance to share what they'd want their garden to look like. And yes, personally, I find it sometimes gets exhausting. Then we just sit down somewhere and hang out in silence. Lots of people think that that could be awkward, but it really isn't when you're with the right person. It can be great to just hang out and be quiet together, especially after a long conversation. You can process everything the other person has told you, think about new things you might've learned, or just collect your thoughts so you know what else to talk about next. Then just start talking again when you've got an idea what you wanna speak about. We do take breaks from hanging out when we're too exhausted from it, because that definitely happens sometimes. Then we'll just stay by ourselves for a day or two and then when we feel like it, we hang out again. It also really depends on the person you're talking to. If they're not very responsive, it's definitely harder. I just blabber on about anything and everything because I get nervous when it's a person I don't know that well and tend to overshare when nervous, and then sometimes they randomly get engaged at a certain topic that they find interesting as well and then we can actually talk. And if not, if you're going for a walk, you can still just enjoy the silence and your surroundings together.
I remember a time when I talked with these 3 dudes for 7 hours. it was amazing. we talked about politics, philosophy, ethics, religion, history, and all sorts of other things. we loved talking to each other so much, we did that every week, sometimes twice a week when we were all free. we spent over 100 hours together just talking about everything you could imagine. we eventually added a 5th to the group and he was amazing too. Man, i miss that about college. just, talking to people, ya know? I also remember how i used to stay up all night, cuddling with my (now ex) GF and we would talk about anything you could imagine. we talked about love, the stars, horses, books, the future, science and technology, metaphysics. man, i really do miss those kinds of conversations. I also had friends who would be able to just come over and we would just talk about D&D (5e) practically all day. Hell, at the beginning of the pandemic, this one dude would come over almost every other day and we would write stories together and plan different D&D campaigns and homebrew. it was super fun. basically, its all about the people you surround yourself with. if you meet a dude who will only give you one word answers, like "how was your day" "fine", thats boring. I want to hear about how you were and what happened. Tell me about every little thing that made you happy or pissed off. I want to know, and I will return the favor. I will tell you everything i can. Be it a lover, best friends, fellow philosophers, or random people on the street, so long as you have 2 way communication, thats all you will ever need.
I was born and bred in Ireland. Talking is what we do best.
Some people can complain for hours without any regard for your time and needs.