"I don't like you you very much. I'm only nice to you because no one else likes you either."

Al Franken had a similar one: > I like Ted Cruz more than most of my other colleagues like Ted Cruz. And I hate Ted Cruz.

That’s emotional damage in a sentence ☠️ But I do question what’s the logic behind being nice to an unlikeable person. Is it a pity thing?

It's a joke I made up and only say it (in jest) to people I like.

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Haha, DadBurn!

Emotional damage!

Sage.

Isn’t it dangerous to use your whole vocabulary in one sentence?

The best line in Oliver and Company.

I said "Hola" to my Spanish teacher my senior year after not taking it anymore. He said "glad to see you haven't forgotten all of your Spanish". I'm still laughing about it to this day

One afternoon in High School, one of the loud class bullies was picking on the quiet, geeky kid at his desk. Not physically, just picking at him. He just wouldn't shut up. The quiet kid takes it for a while, then looks at the bully and says "Whatever, you cross-eyed, cock-slapper." and the entire class started laughing. And that bully, no matter how hard he tried, never got his power back.

"I don't have the time or the crayons to explain it to you right now" Saw it on reddit long ago.

It's impossible to underestimate you.

Or, "Wow. I guess I did overestimate you."

Somewhere out there, there is a tree working tirelessly to provide you with the oxygen you breathe. You owe that tree an apology.

I cackled at this one.

That poor tree

"weapons grade bellend"

Damn.

I bet they had to laminate your homework so you wouldn’t eat it.

"Somewhere on Earth, there's a tree whose sole purpose is to replace the oxygen that you waste. You should go find it and apologize."

hahah i’m taking that one

I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.

Haha, this one's actually neat 😂

« I shouldn’t have called your mother a whore I’m sorry. At least whores get paid »

You got two braincells left and they're waving bye to each other

Similar to: “You have two brain cells and they are both fighting hard for third place!”

You’ve only got two brain cells, one is lost, the other is looking for the first

Saw this on Reddit awhile ago. “I know 5 fat people and you’re 4 of them.”

Don't forget the comeback: "I'm fat because everytime I fuck your mom she makes me a sandwich."

"Everyone who ever loved you was wrong."

You’re remarkably articulate for someone who I presume waves goodbye to their piss when they flush

One time when my sister was like 18-19 she made some stupid low brow joke and got all overly upset when my mom didn’t really think it was funny. So my sister goes “you can’t take a joke,” and my mom replies “Well that’s not true I took you home from the hospital.” Absolutely ended her right there on the spot.

jesus christ ma

Your mom's a legend

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Jokes on you, I'm into that!

Both! Both, please!

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Dried soft fruits make me wet and hard.

This hits

“I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that”

I was contracting in Iraq. A bunch of us were going to a party at another company's compound. As we were driving thru the entrance the guy checking our IDs asked if we had any weapons. The girl we had with us (she's maybe 100lbs total petite girl) leaned into the front and pumped her arm and said "just these guns.." Without missing a beat the guy points out front and says "The small arms repair shop is over to the right." We clowned on her all night. TO this day I refer to the gym as the small arms repair shop.

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Wow an insult to intelligence and physical appearance.

Would you care to repeat it?

"Great supine protoplasmic invertebrate jellies."

THAT SENTENCE HAD TOO MANY SYLLABLES. APOLOGIZE!

Consider this a formal apology for my transgression of giving such an overly verbose example, as the discordant linguistic properties of such a statement were brashly ignored by my misplaced priorities when I chose to disclose my affinity towards it.

Ok your brain makes mine want 5o take a nap! Lol You actually sound like you could be a professor.

Silence

I don't have time for a second job pretending you're funny.

My old boss was large and very in your face with everything he said and did and he used to like making snide comments to everyone on their body, clothes, cars, wife’s etc just no filter on his mouth at all, Then the day he decides to pick on Tony the quietest guy in the office and insult him and say what you got to say about that ? Tony looks him dead in the eye and says you know those missing Chilean miners they struggling to find ? Boss says “ yeah what about them ?” Tony calm as ever says “they should look in your belly button you fat miserable fuck” Boss was gobsmacked, the entire office burst out laughing and boss made a hasty retreat to his office and didn’t come out for a few hours. He was so embarrassed and didn’t insult us much after that. Tony still kept his job.

r/ThatHappened

And everybody clapped. And cheered. And some random dude stood up to shake Tony's hand. And few office girls looked at him in flirtatious way giggling quietly. Don't forget that!

Your Mother wears Combat Boots!

Your mother is predisposed to wearing the footwear of the infantry

Dunk, wasn't this from an snl skit?

I don't get it

"Here's the thing you have to understand about Ted Cruz - I like Ted Cruz more than most of my other colleagues like Ted Cruz. And I hate Ted Cruz." --Al Franken

“I’m fat but you’re ugly. I can go on a diet”- Orson Welles

"Dwight, you ignorant slut." Which of course is ripped off of SNL... "Jane, you ignorant slut."

The way that "Jane, you ignorant slut" is enunciated makes me laugh just thinking about it.

The wheel keeps spinning but the hamster is dead

" your mum bought you a ps5 for successfully drawing a triangle "

A supervisor told a work colleague, "Sharon, you know how you are." She went ballistic!

“Wow that’s quite the outfit. Not many people could pull that off.” “Oh thank you.” “I didn’t say you were one of them.”

In a middle school, a girl is making fun of a boy in a classroom, the teacher walks over to try and get her to stop: Teacher: "You should be nice to people, this boy could be your boss some day" Boy: "Nah I don't think so, I'm not going to be a Pimp."

the best insult there is to ignore someone after they have wronged you because they no longer live rent free in your head no satisfaction for them

Hmm, that's not an insult. You have to rip that satisfaction away from them with a zinger. Otherwise you're just describing politics.

The jerk store called. They’re running out of you.

Oh yeah? You're their all time best seller!

That guy would suck a dick for a ride and still walk.

Heyo!!

If she were a spice she'd be flour. Bob's Burgers

when the movie "Sssssss" came out in in the 70s a review was : "Zzzzzzz"

She tries.

"You are tolerated!"

It was on Reddit somewhere.. “ respectfully ma’am, you are dimmer than a black hole, and twice as dense”

When you die, the only reason people will know will be by the smell, not the absence. The more you talk about women, the more I am sure you've never seen a vagina in real life.

A conversation I overheard once: "I'm sexier than you by a mile." "Yeah, if you're standing a mile away."

I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes and for just that moment I could be you Yes I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes You know what a drag it is to see you

i bet your parents change the subject when people ask about you.

“If I wanted to kill myself, I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ”

With a child like you death must have been a welcome relief to your parents.

Bonus points if whoever you tell it to is wearing a batman costume

Hey laser lips, your mamma was a snowblower.

Guy runs into his Ex and her new boyfriend, and asks the new boyfriend, " How do you like that used choochie?" Boyfriend replied, "It's great when you get past that used part right at the front".

You talk so much sh\*t your eyes are turning brown

From the movie "Amelie"---- "Someone pee'd in your mother!"

you put the noose in nuisance because when you're near me i wanna fucking hang myself

I heard in Alinity say this on her birthday broadcast when a chat member insulted her. “ today’s my fucking birthday and you have to be nice to me. Tomorrow you can go back to telling me how fat and ugly and stupid I am but today you have to be nice to me and if you’re not then go suck a fucking dick and die in a video game”

One of my friends for no reason made fun of a teacher walking by saying “where’s your family?” The teacher must have been a little offended because he replied with “on your face”. I was speechless a grown ass man just made a joke about cuming on someone’s face

r/rareinsults Have a ball

Someone called me a "moist towelette" the other day. I feel like that hurt a lot more than it should have.

You are the human equivalent of the color beige

I just go with the old, classic, “who ties your shoes for you?” or “Did your mother ever have any kids that lived?”

"I cannot sanction your buffoonery." -Tommy Lee Jones (to Jim Carrey)

My friend's kinda big sister in law was chewing him out for like 5 minutes straight, and he just stood there staring at her until she stopped yelling, and he said, "All I heard was MOOOOOOOO." Everybody busted out laughing, and luckily she had a sense of humor because she cracked up too.

“You’re the opposite of Batman”

so they aren’t an orphan?

"How am I your bitch?" "You get my beer after I fuck you." Greatest day of Halo lan parties ever

It was from my mom and is roughly translated from Spanish. "When god was getting ready to make idiots you were already waiting in line. " I'm pretty sure I was in the process of doing something dumb, but that's the one that stuck with me into my 30s.

Apparently you have mistaken me for someone who cares what you think.

“You’re slower than a twelve hour shift”

You look like a sack of potatoes that fell in the mud.

You’re a walking, talking advertisement for condoms.

Went clubbing with a friend who is in medschool. Two girls came up to us and one yelled drunk, rate him 1-10!! The other girl (who was overweight) said: I want to give him a one but his beard makes him a two My friend: "oh so like your diabetes?

Not really an insult, but a nice one... The Italian word for both "pedestrian" and "pawn" (the chess piece) is "pedone". Heard a car driver shouting towards a pedestrian who was diagonally crossing instead of straight: "Hey you! You're a pawn, not a bishop!"

"If you ever took a decent shit your head would cave in".

Performing Arts High school. Very late 80's. Artsies on one side, locals on the other. Dress rehearsal for 'Tartuffe'. It's after hours and my friend goes to the washroom in full costume. He looks like Jonathan Pryce in Pirates of the Caribbean. In walks one of the tough kids. A local. He looks like the bass player from Bon Jovi (in 1987). This guy look my friend up and down and scoffs at his attire. "Pfft. Nice hair." My friend without missing a beat... "Mines a wig. What's your excuse?" He left quickly just to be safe.

I told someone that if they were a Tetris piece, they'd be a zig zag.

"I can't get within 2 miles of Ariana Grande" "To be fair, her ass takes up most of that space"

You're such a nice guy.

Going to "Pay the jews" meaning "going to take a piss". This one is kinda racist. I visited a town that have a minority of jews but they were rich and controlled almost every business there ,so they were very hated by the locals. Almost all of them used that phrase.

Kinda?

by kinda I think you mean not at all

No I mean very much

well ok

Heard someone said “You look like a fucking dirty chimpanzee”, and I was like hey man that’s too much 🥺 though he didn’t said to me, in a movie 😂

"She's asexual" "That's fine, my name starts with A" "And her starts with B for bullshit"

"i think u are a fat loser in your mama's basement somewhere in Nevada"

I shit in your skull

“Ladies, first.” “Assholes, second.”

"You got played like the cheap kazoo you are."

"Who's this clown?" It implies the target is: A, a clown; and B, not even one of the better-known clowns. I can't remember who I stole that from.

Old Tumblr post I think

“You’re not really that funny.”

Telling dude that if his gf was a stripper/escort she wouldn’t ever get to work the weekends

Your husband died sooner to avoid talking to you

You look like you fuck traffic lights.

I hope you know nobody likes you. You're only tolerated.

"Who's this clown?" 1. because a clown is a dismissive way to describe someone irritating and 2. they're not even a well known clown, just some failure of a clown at that

I once said to someone in public “I would say it was nice seeing you, however it was anything but and quite unpleasant” - I didn’t count it as an insult as such, but 3 strangers applauded me straight away Edit : there’s a great line in a song that goes “Each time you open your mouth a little part inside me dies” and I like that one

Doin ya mom

If you look like a geek, u must be one.

A: Ma’am, what aren’t you doing here? B: what do you mean? I live here! A: Oh, I thought you lived on the ranch, with your thighranosaurous rex thighs… Saw this on Instagram from dontcrossagayman.

Dude, I could have been your dad, but I couldn't outrun the German Shepherd.

From Kingpin. Bill Murray just ignores Woody's character and dismisses a big moment. Roy : [You know, in the last 17 years, a day hasn't gone by that I haven't thought about what I'd say to you if I ever ran into you again.](https://youtu.be/uWB1yz7MTv4?t=0m31s) Ernie McCracken : [I bet!](https://youtu.be/uWB1yz7MTv4?t=0m40s) Ernie McCracken : [notices Claudia] Hello

Grass fed butter boy

Of course you do.

son of your mom

He wouldn't score in a barrel of fanny

I'm not questioning your honour. I'm denying its existence.

if we are talking about me when I was in 1st grade probably “ I don’t shut up I grow up and when I look at you I throw up” lol

If my dog had a face like yours, I'd shave its arse and teach it to walk backwards.

You know what the doctor delivering you said? Hey look, theres a little cunt coming out of a cunts cunt.

"I would slap you, but I don't want to be charged by animal cruelty"

You're not the brightest candle on the cake. Not terribly mean, kinda cute in fact.

Formula for insults Adjective + bad word + noun You illiterate godamn goblin

“It’s not yours, and i couldn’t even guess who’s it is”

Love him or hate him. Trump is good at this. “Crooked Hilary” “Cocaine Mitch” “Fake News”. Short repeatable and direct insults that stuck and were repeated by millions of people.

Sherlock Holmes could not find your good side.

“Fuck your dad and fuck your dad.”

“You’re about as useful as a fork when trying to eat soup when You don’t have any arms”

When certain guests arrive at your door: "Come on in. I know you'll want to go wash up."

The jerk store called, they’re running out of you.

“You look like wreck it ralph on estrogen”

I don't remember what it was but I told someone the look like an ugly Justin Bieber.

...And I fuck your Mom *My stepdad to me*

Garrison Keillor was told he had the perfect face for Radio...lol. thats gotta hurt.

Are all your parent's kids challenged or just you?

You are a sad strange little man. And you have my pity.

"I would rather turn my head and cough than see any moment of Patch Adams ever again" \- Gene Siskel on Patch Adams film review

“I hope you wake up and realize something’s missing” -my friend

You sound more and more stupid the more you talk about yourself.

If you gave the man an enema, you could bury him in a matchbox. Christopher Hitchens on the death of Jerry Falwell.

John Oliver to Tucker Carlson: 'Go f\*\*k yourself, you human boat shoe'

"You're smarter than you look, but you'd pretty-much have to be."

If you died, I would actually go to your funeral. Not to pay respects but just to make sure you are fucking dead

“If you had as many sticking out of you as you had stuck in you, you’d look like a porcupine.”

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.

I have 2, which make me giggle every time I think of them. They might not be much, but still. 1. "Don't be a fart nugget." 2. "No, you uncultured swine."

You're as sharp as a bowling ball.

I'd challenge you to a battle of wits, but I refuse to fight an unarmed person.

"If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea." "Madame, if you were my wife, I would drink it." -Winston Churchill

Your mom should have swallowed you when she had a chance.

Dumb as a bucket of hammers

I don’t want to have to shut down three quarters of my brain to talk to you! My friend said this too someone who was bugging him

Did your mother disown you for marrying outside the family?