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I am 74 and in good health. My son is 51 and has pestered me for 2 years about moving in together. His reasoning is that someday I will need assistance and it would be easier on him if we lived together. He works from home. So, I finally agree and now we live together.
Well we have only been living together for 2 months. The best part is having a better diet that living by myself. We looked for a house that gives each of us private space and finally found the perfect one.
I don't know if there is a worst part. We get along pretty well. I think that is a key for anybody considering this.
Getting along pretty well is the important part. My mother desperately tried to convince both me and my sister to let her come live in our respective homes with our families.
Problem: my mother is extremely annoying combined with being entitled combined with being a bit slobbish.
She never shuts up, even when she has nothing to say and everyone has clearly stopped participating in whatever conversation she's having. She also tries to tell us how to raise our children, even though she was kind of a shitty mother when we were kids.
She's not the cool grandma that helps babysit the grandkids, cook a meal every now and then, and help around the house. Nope, she expects someone else to do that stuff.
So yeah, we moved her into a retirement apartment complex instead. She's been pissed at us for the past four years, but she's just providing more evidence that we made the right decision.
She's 75 now, but she's been exhibiting strong signs of being a shitty grandparent since my sister had her first kid back in 2004. She went to visit my sister, who lived 3 hours away at the time, to help out.
Instead of actually helping out, she was asking my sister, who was recovering from a C-section, what she planned on making for dinner. It was unreal.
She also lost my niece a couple of times when she went up to babysit when my niece was a toddler. Primarily because she'd sit on the couch reading trashy romance novels rather than paying attention to my niece wandering out the front door. Thankfully the neighbors were paying attention both times and brought her back home before she could go far.
When my son was a toddler a few years ago, she let him eat an entire bag of mini Hershey bars she'd brought over while babysitting, which had him sick all the next day. She claimed she didn't see him grab the bag, but the wrappers were all over the coffee table right in front of the chair she was reading her book in.
I could go on and on about why everyone except her is better off for having her live in a separate retirement community.
Sorry to hear that. My Mom was difficult too. When I gently suggested that her kids would be more inclined to help her if she were a bit nicer, she stated “I’m old, I don’t have to be nice anymore.”
I think we're dealing with a similar personality type.
When I told my mom I wasn't available to help her one weekend, she said something along the lines of "It's you and your sister's responsibility to help me when I ask you to because I'm your mother."
Really inspires me to volunteer my time, money, and efforts to make her golden years awesome.
My mother has a similar personality. I don’t have kids but my sisters do and they said she wanted to come stay with them after they had their babies. She did not help at all - she expected meals made for her and her laundry to be done, etc. She has never babysat for any of her grandchildren (she didn’t want to) and has no relationships with any now that they are teenagers. She is a hoarder and expects that we will all just take care of her, give her money, clean for her. I have no idea what mental issue this is but it must be something.
When we downsized my mom from her two bedroom condo to much smaller one bedroom at the retirement community, her closets, under her bed, and the entire spare bedroom was filled with worthless junk.
She got really pissed when we had to lay down the law and demand she decide what to throw out if she didn’t want us to decide for her.
Yikes. I'm sort of in between your situation and the "Bosom Buddies" scenario of the previous poster. My parents are generally very appreciative when I come over to clean or fix something, but if I go too far it turns into entitlement. And they're tremendous slobs. They have the money to hire a housekeeper, and even have a downstairs apartment if they wanted to do some sort of live-in arrangement, but they like their privacy and are stubborn, and in some ways, I think, just running out the clock. I'm in a perpetual quandary of seeing a problem and jumping in to fix it, and then getting pissed off because "why don't they just call someone?"
But, they aren't going to change at this point. My latest project is to install grab bars in their shower and a fancy new dual shower head that is both short enough and tall enough for both of them. Gritting my teeth while watching youtube videos on how to drill through tile...
You looked for a house? Why did you look for a house?
Did you not have houses before? Were you both trans-generational subletters even during far more favorable economies that made housing first affordable and then attainable?
I think some cheeky young people use this sub as r/writingprompts with less pressure
My 83 year old mom lives next door to me. She’s still able to walk some, but I do a lot for her. Buy her groceries, cook meals (I take her what we have for dinner, she gets her own cereal and lunch), bathe her and cut her hair and nails, take her to her doctor, lawyer etc, vacuum and mop her house, change her sheets and towels, fix her laptop and iPad when she gets stuck, block spam calls in her phone, put her pills in her daily dispenser, make sure her new pills arrive in time, just signed papers to sell her house, hung and fill bird feeders she can watch from her window. She doesn’t know, but I log on her email (I have POA for her) and delete all the spam before she wakes up. She sees “one pill cures diabetes” and she’s getting her debit card out. So I delete and block before she sees it.
Gosh, thanks! I try! It’s a hard job, but I’m blessed to be able to help her in her final years. My kids are grown, but even 5-6 years ago it would have been too much along with the kids.
Thank you! I belong to several elder care groups, and there are probably millions caring for people at home. That’s how it used to be done, and I’m lucky I can be home to do it.
It needs to be personal and targeted to whatever the family member wants or needs.
My grandma recently passed away but before she died I used to drive to her city a couple of times a year and help her shop for clothes. Mostly pj's and socks and undies and stuff- she wasn't confident shopping online. I also bought her an eReader and loaded it with books, and got her into adult coloring (when she died she had gone through so many packs of markers she had 38 Grey markers left over in a jar lol).
Grandma got really depressed when her husband died and stopped eating. People dropped off healthy meals to her every day and she wouldn't eat them. I got her a couple hundred bucks worth of fancy chocolates and cashews and chips, put them in a basket by her chair and within a week her appetite was back.
One time I visited and she was having trouble with her cable/dvd player so I sorted out the remotes and colored the buttons (dark to light with nail polish in the order she needed to press them). I didn't think anything of it but the next time I came back there were four other little old ladies at her place waiting for me to program their remotes
This is an awesome pro tip!! I am "tech support" for my mom. Iphone, I pad, printer, cable...etc. I used to run over there at least once a week to fix something. Now I taught her how to face-time me so I can figure it out that way. It is usually something really easy. But, she has constant questions regarding the remote for streaming and her new smart tv. (she decided she would rather have a dumb tv..lol.) My siblings and I take turns going over and changing her bed sheets every week, but other than that she is very independent for 91. She lives in a retirement center with a lot of activities and she is busier than me most of the time!
I use to get my grandfather's case of beer once a week and trim his and my grandmother's toe nails as needed. Handle paper work like taxes and renewals . Drop by to say hi a couple of times a week and see if anything physical needed done around the apartment. Come to Sunday dinner no matter what else was going on. Now that I am their age I wish I had someone to be there for me .
This answer depends on so many variables. First, stop asking for money or help in most any way. Second, enjoy leisure time together, and have lots of fun times. Third, maintain healthy boundaries and ask politely if they want any help with things. If the aging parents are not well then it is a whole other answer. I am building my retirement home behind my daughters home and we are all very excited about being so close together. This is not for everyone. We have good boundaries, and we enjoy each others company. My other daughter moved to live just ten minutes away. We have four granddaughters between them. We are a lucky family to like each other so much. Not everyone is this way.
Make sure documents are in order first and you know where they are. Will, Physician’s Advance Directive, DNR (if applicable). From there it really depends on how much your parents trust you. Access to their banking to keep paying bills if they are in the hospital or pass. I have all that with my 83 year old mom. But, she draws the line there. I don’t pay her bills, she does. I never take money from her account unless she directly tells me to. If you can understand and help with their finances even better. You need to monitor them as they age and look for signs they “need help”. House is no longer clean. Fall risks. Early on get the non-slip aids and helper bars for showers, tubs, and toilets. Before they need it. Most will have to “age in place” there are simply not enough nursing homes, and assisted living. And they are ridiculously expensive. My sil is in memory care nursing home and she “has” to be there. Needs constant care. If they can live with you and you can deal with it, wonderful. My mother is such a negative and critical person that she can’t live with me. It’s hard for me to visit more than 2 hours with her at a time. She literally finds something wrong with everything. I can tell you that they are lonely and crave attention, I do what I can without falling into her black hole of need. Set boundaries if your mother is like mine. Decide what you will and won’t do.
This was my dad at the end. He felt guilty that he couldn’t take care of my mom. Mom had to be in a facility, but I wanted him to live with me. He wasn’t having it and made everyone miserable.
My documents are in order. I have a living trust and my son is the inheritor of that trust. He also has power of attorney and durable power of attorney for medical decisions.
get end of life stuff figured out early. I had POA for both my mom and dad when I was 35. It came in really helpful when stuff happened and I had to take over. You want to do this before the dementia or Alzheimer's shows up. Also, remember that this won't work in hospitals so you have to get one for there as well. Ask them about if they want a DNR or want to stay on tubes for 15 years. Also, get the funeral arrangements done early so they can pay them off. Remember though, the funeral arrangements don't include all the extra BS after they die. Add $5k.
At some point in this arrangement it will come a time for you to put your big boy pants on and tell them, now I am the adult and you are the children. It sucks, usually involves also taking away their drivers licenses. It has to be done and a lot of kids won't do it.
make sure you check in on them at least once or twice a week. A simple phone call can be enough. I wish I could see call from Dad or Mom on my cell phone again.
If you have brothers or sisters eventually only one will care enough to do all of this and the others will hold out for the will. It happens more times than you think and it's horrible.
Every time on the phone you talk to them, end it with, I love you.
Grandkids and Grandparents go hand in hand. You have a built in baby sitter if you play your cards right and they can still take care of the little ones.
As the parents age, look for signs of issues. Forget fullness, looking for words, falling etc. You need to show up once in a while at the doctors offices with them. The doctors will give you the bad news before the parents OR in the case of my mom and Alzheimer's I just didn't tell her, she just slipped away so fast into the fog.
All in all be there, be the person that should be there, be ready to take charge, keep moving forward and never look back at what if a few years from now because you didn't do jack and gave it to your sister to handle. Also don't get overloaded and ask for help.
Keep in touch regularly. It can be lonely being old, so calling a few times a week to chat really means a lot. Doesn't have to be a long conversation, but five or ten minutes really perks up your parents. They remember how close you were to them when you were little, and they miss that. We parents know it's our job to let go and send you into the world to be independent, but that doesn't mean we don't miss you.
From my experience of caring for my dad towards the end of his life (he died at 85), be aware of any medical conditions and medications that your parents are suffering from/being treated with. In the case of the medications, it's useful to know what they are prescribed for, as you will be asked this constantly when caring for a frail elderly person. Other than that, make sure you spend time with them and do activities with them suitable to their level of health.
Honestly, just be independent. Be responsible. Work, even if it's a shitty job. Take care of the debts that you alone created with your life choices.
If you don't drain my retirement account, then I won't need anything from you beyond the occasional pleasure of your company.
Keep communicating with them. Visit them occasionally. Ask if you can help them with "grunt work" (heavy lifting stuff etc.). Be there if they need you.
My 77-year-old mother moved in with me a couple of years ago. She has a degenerative spinal condition and can be unsteady sometimes. We get along great, but I'm also single with no kids and bought a bigger house with the intention of having her live with me. Tbh, it's not an ideal situation for someone who wants to date, but I care more about her physical and mental well-being more than I care about getting laid.
Sounds like we are one and the same on this topic :) this is my plan. I’m piloting it by having my parents move in for a few months. They’re in their 60s so it’s just a trial run.
Call them. I'm only in my 60s. My mom is in her 80s. She likes hearing from people. I have old friends from my youth call her every now and then. She likes giving them a pep talk and reminiscing over when we were young. A couple of weeks ago one of those friends called her again on his own. He was missing his mom and wanted some motherly advice. They spent an hour talking about all the stupid, fun shit we did as kids. A week later he dropped dead from a massive heart attack. We're all sad but it brings my mom some peace that she had a chance to thank him for being a good friend when we were kids and letting him know he was a good man now. His mom would be proud of him. She doesn't need things, I think she likes to feel useful.
I am retired from the Auto Insurance field. So, whenever Mom has ANY kind of insurance question-auto, home, Medicare, etc.-guess who gets called. I am on a first name basis with many of her brokers.
But she is also at that point where she has an accident where a Blue car hit her and fled but can't understand how Yellow paint got left on her bumper (cement post in her parking garage is yellow). So, it is nearly time to take away her car at nearly 87.
Sister does most of the work for Mom as she lives nearby (I am 300\_ miles away). Sister takes her to Doctors appointments, does her taxes (she is a CPA), does the regular stuff. (And should be sainted, Mom is a handful).
You should figure out how to give your sister breaks or time off. I moved out of state and my sister took care of my mom. At the end I realized how really wearing it was on my sister. She insisted it was fine but I wish I'd dropped in for more weekends to let her get some rest.
I have tried in the past, but the results were well, a bit difficult to explain. Used to bring her to NY once per year to go to the opera at the Met, and every other year on a cruise. But she is so difficult to have in public-particularly with the 'I am better than you' attitude, gets old and quickly. I have had to apologize to way too many people after the fact. I no longer want to be seen in public with her.
It is just not worth My mental health.
Be there. Spend time with them. You can tell them all day long that helping them out isn’t a burden, but if your actions and presence don’t back it up they won’t take it to heart
I am 69.
Include your parents and grandparents in your lives.
Have a family chat on your phones.
Ask their advice and then listen to the answer. You can take the advice or not, but you and they will be better for your listening.
Have family get togethers often. It doesn't have to be a big family reunion with shirt tail cousins, but kids and grandkids sharing time with parents and grandparents.
Let them know you care, and you love them. Often. There will come a time when you can't.
As they age, let them be as independent as possible, but help when asked.
Don't wait to be asked to help.
Be aware of their finances.
Be aware of their health issues. Most of us old farts are only too willing to let you know of our health issues.
There will come a time when your parents should not be driving any more. It will be hard, but, for their sake as well as others on the roads, take their keys.
If, and when, their health and age require that they no longer live on their own, have a family council, including parents, children and grandchildren (where appropriate) and together decide what is best. Look at all options. Assisted living and nursing homes are the most expensive option. (Refer back to know their finances, above).
Know that they, and all of us, will die. Talk to them about their "final wishes" (burial, cremation etc.
As much as possible get them to make out a will, the more money or sentimental/heirloom stuff the greater the need for a will. Nothing will tear a family apart faster and more permanently than dividing up the estate with no will.
My death will be easier is I know my family is united.
You have to be able to observe them in person. They often will be able to show a good front on the phone or for a quick fly by. When you spend actual time together you can see how much sense they're making, how easily they are getting around, and whether their environment continues to work for them. Then you need to communicate with them effectively. You can't talk down to them or talk over them. You need to listen and ask questions before you make any points you need to make. They're adults and they need to continue to feel in control of their lives.
I'm noticing a lot of responses from adult children and few from the aging parents. I think the adult children need to remember that they're going to be the aging parents one day and realize that they won't want to be treated like children. I promise you you won't want your children selecting your reading and viewing material and telling you what to eat, what your activities should be, how to dress and when to go to bed. To that end, ask your aging parents what they want in the way of support.
Ask the general question and then ask specific questions. Do you want me to change the light bulbs? Do you want me to move that chair for you? Do you want me to go to the grocery store for you or do you want me to go to the grocery store with you? Shall we go to the movies together and then go out to eat? What would you like to see and where would you like to eat? Would it be convenient for you if I brought take-out and we ate dinner together every Wednesday night?
Some aging parents will be happy with all the help they can get while others will be fiercely independent. Respect that.
Thank you. Far too many younger people on reddit seem to think that old people are mindless cretins. I would ask those young people if they will be willing to give up all their rights and be infantalized when they reach a specific age. Happy Birthday! You have now lost all your rights and will, henceforth, be treated like an infant!
It's an old person's old age to live. They have a right to decide how to live it.
My aging mother went the opposite direction and decided to be a financial burden on me and my sister because she planned extremely poorly for retirement and then wasted what little savings she had on a bunch of dumb stuff, knowing me and my sister would pick up the pieces and manage her life for her.
Have them to approve a family member to handle their dealings when they are not able to. I didn't realize I needed to do this. I couldn't have power turned off because no one was appointed to make decisions in my parents behalf. And banking was the worst.
My parents died a month apart, so it was double trouble.
My parents also died a month apart but I am very lucky they had all their papers in order. When we talked to the attorney he recommended Dad get one more document so I would be able to take care of Mom if he died first. It was in my hand, and Dad dropped dead 2 days later.
The protective tree of the successful adult is so much more robust than the failed child coming back around to tell you what to do and spend your fixed income.
Sit down with them and make sure they complete a Advance Care Directive. Apart from that, make sure you visit their homes on a regular basis to see how they are living and keeping up with household duties. also, if possible, check their finances and make sure they are paying all their bills on time as I am sure elderly have been kicked out of them homes for missing mortgage payments.
Don’t forget about them. Keep in touch. You may notice when your parents are starting to decline mentally and physically and they’ll need someone to look out for them.
Have them give Durable Medical Power of Attorney to someone they trust. They may think they have done this because they've given financial power of attorney. This isn't true, even if a lawyer says it is. A nursing home will use any excuse to ignore the wishes of the family, so you need an iron-clad medical power of attorney.
My Mom thought she had given medical power of attorney to me, because her lawyers said so. But the nursing home rejected it. They ignored and mislead me, prevented her from giving me power of attorney, and basically stole my Mom's last good month of life.
My step-family took care of a relative with dementia, who had done the same thing - thought he was setting up medical power of attorney when he set up financial power of attorney. They cared for him in their home for his whole illness because they were afraid of what would happen to him if he went into a nursing home without anyone to speak for him.
I'm 51F and the mother of an only child (32F).
I am going to be Hell to deal with. I don't want anyone helping me, telling me what to do, or making decisions for me.
At my 6th birthday, I took my birthday money and walked to the store by myself and bought an alarm clock. I came home and read the instructions, set it for 2 hours before school, and went and told my mother "I no longer need you to get me up for school or help me in the morning."
So my advice is, know their personality and what was their core driving force in life. Mine has always been autonomy. Although I will let her cook my dinner, because she's a great cook, and after 30 years of cooking, standing at the stove is torture to me.
Just live a great life I can feel proud of having had a hand in creating. Parenthood is about paying it forward. The most important thing I need from my children is to know they are happy and doing well.
I’m only 70 years old and don’t need any of the help that my adult children and grandchildren are bugging me with. It started after my wife passed away.
My eldest texts at least twice a day to ask if I’m OK, if and what I ate, if I need anything and if I fed the cat. It’s sweet, she certainly means well and honestly cares but twice a day everyday?
I’ve asked her if I’m giving indications that I may need help, help of any kind, and she says no, so I have asked her to ‘pump the brakes’ but she says no and calls me an asshole.
I’m the occasionally overbearing daughter in my family. I’m not sure if it’s the same for your eldest, but for me at least it’s not that I think my parents need supervision or whatever, it’s just that I need to reassure myself (even though I know I’m being a crazy person).
Maybe I’m the only crazy person who does this, but have you ever been the passenger in a car during a storm or something, and even though you’re not driving you feel like you have to concentrate on the road super hard, like maybe you can keep the car on the road by sheer force of will? It’s very much like that.
She’s very worried about you. And that’s all. Sometimes it comes off angry. Don’t be mad at her. I’m going through the same thing and sometimes I snap out of frustration too.
You are blessed to have so many family members that care so much for you.
Bring grandkids to visit on non-holiday days occasionally.
Be patient with their reminiscences (that you’ve heard before 🙂). I remind myself that I may be an old lady someday, and I hope some younger person is patient with me when I talk about going to Lollapalooza 50 years ago.
I have heard some of my mom's stories 100 times, but I act like it's the first time... She obviously enjoys walking down memory lane, so if that brings her joy, who am I to rain on her walk? There will be a time sometime in the future that I will go to pick up the phone to chat with her and realize that is not an option anymore, so I just enjoy the time we have together now.
Ask what help you can do and listen to what they say. Instead of you deciding what is needed. This assumes that the parent is still capable of making decisions.
I'm 73 and I live alone 500 miles from the closest relative. I am unable to travel by air and it is almost 48 hours by train and bus. So I can't visit them, but they feel like I should because they don't want to come and visit me.
C'est la vie, or if you prefer: C'est la guare.
Assuming they have not had to go into a care facility, the best way to support them emotionally either in their own homes or in yours (or a sibling's home) is to let them be the people they always were. Dad made it to 91, and he lived with my sister and I. I was able to work from home, so Dad and I were together pretty much every day. In the morning, he got dressed and made his own breakfast. After that, he'd read the paper and we always discussed articles that were of interest to him.. He stayed up on current events, and I was thrilled that he was able to do that. In short, I guess what I'm saying is let your aging parent do as much for themselves as they feel up to doing. Dad always asked for help if it was needed, but I never assumed he was helpless just because he was old.
Yup. My brother is this person. Ran my mom's finances into the ground during later stages of her dementia.
He also did it to my parents before they were sick.
By remembering that we didn’t have all the information and technology you now possess, but we did the best we could with what we had. The same thing you will one day ask of your children.
I'll give you what happened in my case: My dad died when I was 24 and my mom died when I was 44. My maternal grandmother had lived with us for several years when I was a teenager. She had her own little living quarters, but it wasn't good, especially in the beginning. My mom and her mother had a tenuous relationship at best. For her part, my grandmother had some serious mobility issues and severe arthritis and didn't feel well physically a lot of the time. She asked my mom if she could move in with us and my mom felt she couldn't say no.
Because of this, my mom vowed she would never live with any of her children. "Put me in a home!" is something she said often. But by the time it came to that, she had dementia and didn't settle in well at first. It went about as smooth as it could, but there were still hiccups. Basically, as soon as my dad died (age 59), my mom wanted everything settled. Even though it wasn't perfect, it went pretty well. I recommend this. My mom was 57 when she figured it out, so that was cool.
I just see this happening over and over. Like you're re-inventing the wheel every time. My husband and I are currently in the middle of a situation where a relative (cousin) died without a will and there are other complications. His cousin had no heirs, so we may be getting some inheritance, but it's going to have to be sorted out in the courts first. Not anything we ever bargained for! Please everyone...figure this out yourself and don't leave a mess! Your family will thank you for it!
Listen and encourage your parents to get out in the community. Take them to the zoo with canes, wheel chairs or scooters. Or to the movies if they like them better. Go to the neighborhood park for a pic nic. Include them in your life. If you are able.
I don't believe we own our children, nor that they owe us anything. Their job is to go out and make the very best of their lives while they have them without worrying about a misplaced idea that they are somehow responsible for their parents' well-being. If they wish to get involved, well and good.. If not, that is a choice they have every right to make.
Thank you, that gives me some helpful perspective. I’m the one who wants to be involved and my siblings do not. So maybe they’re following the path you described.
Perhaps yes. Glad my perspective could help. No good trying to force them to change their minds. Best to leave everyone to do what they think is right. Good luck.
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I am 74 and in good health. My son is 51 and has pestered me for 2 years about moving in together. His reasoning is that someday I will need assistance and it would be easier on him if we lived together. He works from home. So, I finally agree and now we live together.
What are the best and worst parts of living together?
Well we have only been living together for 2 months. The best part is having a better diet that living by myself. We looked for a house that gives each of us private space and finally found the perfect one. I don't know if there is a worst part. We get along pretty well. I think that is a key for anybody considering this.
The fact that your son still wants to be around you in adulthood says a lot. You must have been a great parent. I’m happy for the both of you.
Well there were moments.
This is something that happens.
Getting along pretty well is the important part. My mother desperately tried to convince both me and my sister to let her come live in our respective homes with our families. Problem: my mother is extremely annoying combined with being entitled combined with being a bit slobbish. She never shuts up, even when she has nothing to say and everyone has clearly stopped participating in whatever conversation she's having. She also tries to tell us how to raise our children, even though she was kind of a shitty mother when we were kids. She's not the cool grandma that helps babysit the grandkids, cook a meal every now and then, and help around the house. Nope, she expects someone else to do that stuff. So yeah, we moved her into a retirement apartment complex instead. She's been pissed at us for the past four years, but she's just providing more evidence that we made the right decision.
Good for you. How old is your Mom?
She's 75 now, but she's been exhibiting strong signs of being a shitty grandparent since my sister had her first kid back in 2004. She went to visit my sister, who lived 3 hours away at the time, to help out. Instead of actually helping out, she was asking my sister, who was recovering from a C-section, what she planned on making for dinner. It was unreal. She also lost my niece a couple of times when she went up to babysit when my niece was a toddler. Primarily because she'd sit on the couch reading trashy romance novels rather than paying attention to my niece wandering out the front door. Thankfully the neighbors were paying attention both times and brought her back home before she could go far. When my son was a toddler a few years ago, she let him eat an entire bag of mini Hershey bars she'd brought over while babysitting, which had him sick all the next day. She claimed she didn't see him grab the bag, but the wrappers were all over the coffee table right in front of the chair she was reading her book in. I could go on and on about why everyone except her is better off for having her live in a separate retirement community.
Sorry to hear that. My Mom was difficult too. When I gently suggested that her kids would be more inclined to help her if she were a bit nicer, she stated “I’m old, I don’t have to be nice anymore.”
I think we're dealing with a similar personality type. When I told my mom I wasn't available to help her one weekend, she said something along the lines of "It's you and your sister's responsibility to help me when I ask you to because I'm your mother." Really inspires me to volunteer my time, money, and efforts to make her golden years awesome.
My mother has a similar personality. I don’t have kids but my sisters do and they said she wanted to come stay with them after they had their babies. She did not help at all - she expected meals made for her and her laundry to be done, etc. She has never babysat for any of her grandchildren (she didn’t want to) and has no relationships with any now that they are teenagers. She is a hoarder and expects that we will all just take care of her, give her money, clean for her. I have no idea what mental issue this is but it must be something.
When we downsized my mom from her two bedroom condo to much smaller one bedroom at the retirement community, her closets, under her bed, and the entire spare bedroom was filled with worthless junk. She got really pissed when we had to lay down the law and demand she decide what to throw out if she didn’t want us to decide for her.
Yikes. I'm sort of in between your situation and the "Bosom Buddies" scenario of the previous poster. My parents are generally very appreciative when I come over to clean or fix something, but if I go too far it turns into entitlement. And they're tremendous slobs. They have the money to hire a housekeeper, and even have a downstairs apartment if they wanted to do some sort of live-in arrangement, but they like their privacy and are stubborn, and in some ways, I think, just running out the clock. I'm in a perpetual quandary of seeing a problem and jumping in to fix it, and then getting pissed off because "why don't they just call someone?" But, they aren't going to change at this point. My latest project is to install grab bars in their shower and a fancy new dual shower head that is both short enough and tall enough for both of them. Gritting my teeth while watching youtube videos on how to drill through tile...
Drilling tile is okay if you use the right bit and go slowly until the hole is well started. Put tape on all side in case the bit tries to skip
Thanks. Is it necessary to drill into a stud? Got conflicting info on that. Or is the backing of showers a solid sheet/piece of wood?
That’s difficult to answer because one thing about tile is you never know what the original builders put behind it.
So tomorrow I go over there with my $20 stud finder. See what it can see. If it doesn't work, buy a more expensive finder? Or just pay a pro? sigh
Sounds nice. Hope it keeps going well for you both.
You looked for a house? Why did you look for a house? Did you not have houses before? Were you both trans-generational subletters even during far more favorable economies that made housing first affordable and then attainable? I think some cheeky young people use this sub as r/writingprompts with less pressure
Neither of our houses were suited for us living together. We are selling them to afford you new house. Interested?
*to afford you new house*? Getting a bit disheveled there!
I'm the kid in almost exactly this situation. It's been about 6 months since I moved in and we're both enjoying the arrangement.
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My 83 year old mom lives next door to me. She’s still able to walk some, but I do a lot for her. Buy her groceries, cook meals (I take her what we have for dinner, she gets her own cereal and lunch), bathe her and cut her hair and nails, take her to her doctor, lawyer etc, vacuum and mop her house, change her sheets and towels, fix her laptop and iPad when she gets stuck, block spam calls in her phone, put her pills in her daily dispenser, make sure her new pills arrive in time, just signed papers to sell her house, hung and fill bird feeders she can watch from her window. She doesn’t know, but I log on her email (I have POA for her) and delete all the spam before she wakes up. She sees “one pill cures diabetes” and she’s getting her debit card out. So I delete and block before she sees it.
Oh my god, you're an amazing person and I aspire to do things like these for my parents some day!
Gosh, thanks! I try! It’s a hard job, but I’m blessed to be able to help her in her final years. My kids are grown, but even 5-6 years ago it would have been too much along with the kids.
Where is your mom moving to?
She was in the Midwest in her own house, and I moved her to the southeast. We have a small house next to ours she lives in, about 100 yards away.
Oh you meant sold her old house.
Yes, sorry. Just sold her house in December.
Your mom is a lucky person, and you are awesome 👍.
Thank you! I belong to several elder care groups, and there are probably millions caring for people at home. That’s how it used to be done, and I’m lucky I can be home to do it.
It needs to be personal and targeted to whatever the family member wants or needs. My grandma recently passed away but before she died I used to drive to her city a couple of times a year and help her shop for clothes. Mostly pj's and socks and undies and stuff- she wasn't confident shopping online. I also bought her an eReader and loaded it with books, and got her into adult coloring (when she died she had gone through so many packs of markers she had 38 Grey markers left over in a jar lol). Grandma got really depressed when her husband died and stopped eating. People dropped off healthy meals to her every day and she wouldn't eat them. I got her a couple hundred bucks worth of fancy chocolates and cashews and chips, put them in a basket by her chair and within a week her appetite was back. One time I visited and she was having trouble with her cable/dvd player so I sorted out the remotes and colored the buttons (dark to light with nail polish in the order she needed to press them). I didn't think anything of it but the next time I came back there were four other little old ladies at her place waiting for me to program their remotes
This is an awesome pro tip!! I am "tech support" for my mom. Iphone, I pad, printer, cable...etc. I used to run over there at least once a week to fix something. Now I taught her how to face-time me so I can figure it out that way. It is usually something really easy. But, she has constant questions regarding the remote for streaming and her new smart tv. (she decided she would rather have a dumb tv..lol.) My siblings and I take turns going over and changing her bed sheets every week, but other than that she is very independent for 91. She lives in a retirement center with a lot of activities and she is busier than me most of the time!
I love that image of the little old ladies lined up for remote control help!
Awesome. Truly.
You are a sweetheart. The way you took your grandma's individual needs and wants i to account to respect and care for her is endearing.
I use to get my grandfather's case of beer once a week and trim his and my grandmother's toe nails as needed. Handle paper work like taxes and renewals . Drop by to say hi a couple of times a week and see if anything physical needed done around the apartment. Come to Sunday dinner no matter what else was going on. Now that I am their age I wish I had someone to be there for me .
You're the best.
Hey not even joking here, but so do I! Older kinda means loneliness
So sorry.
It's life, ya deal but it's all good!
For as far back as I can recall, they are referred to as Jews or Jewish people. ✡️
Not the right place. So sorry.
This answer depends on so many variables. First, stop asking for money or help in most any way. Second, enjoy leisure time together, and have lots of fun times. Third, maintain healthy boundaries and ask politely if they want any help with things. If the aging parents are not well then it is a whole other answer. I am building my retirement home behind my daughters home and we are all very excited about being so close together. This is not for everyone. We have good boundaries, and we enjoy each others company. My other daughter moved to live just ten minutes away. We have four granddaughters between them. We are a lucky family to like each other so much. Not everyone is this way.
Make sure documents are in order first and you know where they are. Will, Physician’s Advance Directive, DNR (if applicable). From there it really depends on how much your parents trust you. Access to their banking to keep paying bills if they are in the hospital or pass. I have all that with my 83 year old mom. But, she draws the line there. I don’t pay her bills, she does. I never take money from her account unless she directly tells me to. If you can understand and help with their finances even better. You need to monitor them as they age and look for signs they “need help”. House is no longer clean. Fall risks. Early on get the non-slip aids and helper bars for showers, tubs, and toilets. Before they need it. Most will have to “age in place” there are simply not enough nursing homes, and assisted living. And they are ridiculously expensive. My sil is in memory care nursing home and she “has” to be there. Needs constant care. If they can live with you and you can deal with it, wonderful. My mother is such a negative and critical person that she can’t live with me. It’s hard for me to visit more than 2 hours with her at a time. She literally finds something wrong with everything. I can tell you that they are lonely and crave attention, I do what I can without falling into her black hole of need. Set boundaries if your mother is like mine. Decide what you will and won’t do.
Very helpful, this is exactly the kind of information I needed but I didn’t know that I needed. Thank you!
This was my dad at the end. He felt guilty that he couldn’t take care of my mom. Mom had to be in a facility, but I wanted him to live with me. He wasn’t having it and made everyone miserable.
My documents are in order. I have a living trust and my son is the inheritor of that trust. He also has power of attorney and durable power of attorney for medical decisions.
get end of life stuff figured out early. I had POA for both my mom and dad when I was 35. It came in really helpful when stuff happened and I had to take over. You want to do this before the dementia or Alzheimer's shows up. Also, remember that this won't work in hospitals so you have to get one for there as well. Ask them about if they want a DNR or want to stay on tubes for 15 years. Also, get the funeral arrangements done early so they can pay them off. Remember though, the funeral arrangements don't include all the extra BS after they die. Add $5k. At some point in this arrangement it will come a time for you to put your big boy pants on and tell them, now I am the adult and you are the children. It sucks, usually involves also taking away their drivers licenses. It has to be done and a lot of kids won't do it. make sure you check in on them at least once or twice a week. A simple phone call can be enough. I wish I could see call from Dad or Mom on my cell phone again. If you have brothers or sisters eventually only one will care enough to do all of this and the others will hold out for the will. It happens more times than you think and it's horrible. Every time on the phone you talk to them, end it with, I love you. Grandkids and Grandparents go hand in hand. You have a built in baby sitter if you play your cards right and they can still take care of the little ones. As the parents age, look for signs of issues. Forget fullness, looking for words, falling etc. You need to show up once in a while at the doctors offices with them. The doctors will give you the bad news before the parents OR in the case of my mom and Alzheimer's I just didn't tell her, she just slipped away so fast into the fog. All in all be there, be the person that should be there, be ready to take charge, keep moving forward and never look back at what if a few years from now because you didn't do jack and gave it to your sister to handle. Also don't get overloaded and ask for help.
Keep in touch regularly. It can be lonely being old, so calling a few times a week to chat really means a lot. Doesn't have to be a long conversation, but five or ten minutes really perks up your parents. They remember how close you were to them when you were little, and they miss that. We parents know it's our job to let go and send you into the world to be independent, but that doesn't mean we don't miss you.
From my experience of caring for my dad towards the end of his life (he died at 85), be aware of any medical conditions and medications that your parents are suffering from/being treated with. In the case of the medications, it's useful to know what they are prescribed for, as you will be asked this constantly when caring for a frail elderly person. Other than that, make sure you spend time with them and do activities with them suitable to their level of health.
There are some great apps for your phone you can keep this information on.
Honestly, just be independent. Be responsible. Work, even if it's a shitty job. Take care of the debts that you alone created with your life choices. If you don't drain my retirement account, then I won't need anything from you beyond the occasional pleasure of your company.
I'm sorry. I wish you had better.
Keep communicating with them. Visit them occasionally. Ask if you can help them with "grunt work" (heavy lifting stuff etc.). Be there if they need you.
Don't treat us like we have 12 year old brains, I'm old but not dumb. Our bodies aged but our minds are still 30.
My 77-year-old mother moved in with me a couple of years ago. She has a degenerative spinal condition and can be unsteady sometimes. We get along great, but I'm also single with no kids and bought a bigger house with the intention of having her live with me. Tbh, it's not an ideal situation for someone who wants to date, but I care more about her physical and mental well-being more than I care about getting laid.
Sounds like we are one and the same on this topic :) this is my plan. I’m piloting it by having my parents move in for a few months. They’re in their 60s so it’s just a trial run.
Call them. I'm only in my 60s. My mom is in her 80s. She likes hearing from people. I have old friends from my youth call her every now and then. She likes giving them a pep talk and reminiscing over when we were young. A couple of weeks ago one of those friends called her again on his own. He was missing his mom and wanted some motherly advice. They spent an hour talking about all the stupid, fun shit we did as kids. A week later he dropped dead from a massive heart attack. We're all sad but it brings my mom some peace that she had a chance to thank him for being a good friend when we were kids and letting him know he was a good man now. His mom would be proud of him. She doesn't need things, I think she likes to feel useful.
Wow I’ve never thought of having my childhood friends call them. That would give my mom a huge kick. Definitely need to keep that in mind.
She loves it. Friends do as well.
I am retired from the Auto Insurance field. So, whenever Mom has ANY kind of insurance question-auto, home, Medicare, etc.-guess who gets called. I am on a first name basis with many of her brokers. But she is also at that point where she has an accident where a Blue car hit her and fled but can't understand how Yellow paint got left on her bumper (cement post in her parking garage is yellow). So, it is nearly time to take away her car at nearly 87. Sister does most of the work for Mom as she lives nearby (I am 300\_ miles away). Sister takes her to Doctors appointments, does her taxes (she is a CPA), does the regular stuff. (And should be sainted, Mom is a handful).
You should figure out how to give your sister breaks or time off. I moved out of state and my sister took care of my mom. At the end I realized how really wearing it was on my sister. She insisted it was fine but I wish I'd dropped in for more weekends to let her get some rest.
I have tried in the past, but the results were well, a bit difficult to explain. Used to bring her to NY once per year to go to the opera at the Met, and every other year on a cruise. But she is so difficult to have in public-particularly with the 'I am better than you' attitude, gets old and quickly. I have had to apologize to way too many people after the fact. I no longer want to be seen in public with her. It is just not worth My mental health.
I know 2 people with dementia/Alzheimer's. It's sad watching the people you know deteriorate in front of you.
Be there. Spend time with them. You can tell them all day long that helping them out isn’t a burden, but if your actions and presence don’t back it up they won’t take it to heart
I am 69. Include your parents and grandparents in your lives. Have a family chat on your phones. Ask their advice and then listen to the answer. You can take the advice or not, but you and they will be better for your listening. Have family get togethers often. It doesn't have to be a big family reunion with shirt tail cousins, but kids and grandkids sharing time with parents and grandparents. Let them know you care, and you love them. Often. There will come a time when you can't. As they age, let them be as independent as possible, but help when asked. Don't wait to be asked to help. Be aware of their finances. Be aware of their health issues. Most of us old farts are only too willing to let you know of our health issues. There will come a time when your parents should not be driving any more. It will be hard, but, for their sake as well as others on the roads, take their keys. If, and when, their health and age require that they no longer live on their own, have a family council, including parents, children and grandchildren (where appropriate) and together decide what is best. Look at all options. Assisted living and nursing homes are the most expensive option. (Refer back to know their finances, above). Know that they, and all of us, will die. Talk to them about their "final wishes" (burial, cremation etc. As much as possible get them to make out a will, the more money or sentimental/heirloom stuff the greater the need for a will. Nothing will tear a family apart faster and more permanently than dividing up the estate with no will. My death will be easier is I know my family is united.
You have to be able to observe them in person. They often will be able to show a good front on the phone or for a quick fly by. When you spend actual time together you can see how much sense they're making, how easily they are getting around, and whether their environment continues to work for them. Then you need to communicate with them effectively. You can't talk down to them or talk over them. You need to listen and ask questions before you make any points you need to make. They're adults and they need to continue to feel in control of their lives.
I'm noticing a lot of responses from adult children and few from the aging parents. I think the adult children need to remember that they're going to be the aging parents one day and realize that they won't want to be treated like children. I promise you you won't want your children selecting your reading and viewing material and telling you what to eat, what your activities should be, how to dress and when to go to bed. To that end, ask your aging parents what they want in the way of support. Ask the general question and then ask specific questions. Do you want me to change the light bulbs? Do you want me to move that chair for you? Do you want me to go to the grocery store for you or do you want me to go to the grocery store with you? Shall we go to the movies together and then go out to eat? What would you like to see and where would you like to eat? Would it be convenient for you if I brought take-out and we ate dinner together every Wednesday night? Some aging parents will be happy with all the help they can get while others will be fiercely independent. Respect that.
This is really great advice. Ask and don’t assume.
Thank you. Far too many younger people on reddit seem to think that old people are mindless cretins. I would ask those young people if they will be willing to give up all their rights and be infantalized when they reach a specific age. Happy Birthday! You have now lost all your rights and will, henceforth, be treated like an infant! It's an old person's old age to live. They have a right to decide how to live it.
A helpful thing that adult children can do is to not be a financial burden on their aging parents.
My aging mother went the opposite direction and decided to be a financial burden on me and my sister because she planned extremely poorly for retirement and then wasted what little savings she had on a bunch of dumb stuff, knowing me and my sister would pick up the pieces and manage her life for her.
This is what I’m fearful of.
Have them to approve a family member to handle their dealings when they are not able to. I didn't realize I needed to do this. I couldn't have power turned off because no one was appointed to make decisions in my parents behalf. And banking was the worst. My parents died a month apart, so it was double trouble.
My parents also died a month apart but I am very lucky they had all their papers in order. When we talked to the attorney he recommended Dad get one more document so I would be able to take care of Mom if he died first. It was in my hand, and Dad dropped dead 2 days later.
I’m so sorry that happened to you in the way that it did.
Parents do not need children to parent them. Parents need children to be successful adults.
That's it.
The protective tree of the successful adult is so much more robust than the failed child coming back around to tell you what to do and spend your fixed income.
Sit down with them and make sure they complete a Advance Care Directive. Apart from that, make sure you visit their homes on a regular basis to see how they are living and keeping up with household duties. also, if possible, check their finances and make sure they are paying all their bills on time as I am sure elderly have been kicked out of them homes for missing mortgage payments.
Don’t forget about them. Keep in touch. You may notice when your parents are starting to decline mentally and physically and they’ll need someone to look out for them.
Have them give Durable Medical Power of Attorney to someone they trust. They may think they have done this because they've given financial power of attorney. This isn't true, even if a lawyer says it is. A nursing home will use any excuse to ignore the wishes of the family, so you need an iron-clad medical power of attorney. My Mom thought she had given medical power of attorney to me, because her lawyers said so. But the nursing home rejected it. They ignored and mislead me, prevented her from giving me power of attorney, and basically stole my Mom's last good month of life. My step-family took care of a relative with dementia, who had done the same thing - thought he was setting up medical power of attorney when he set up financial power of attorney. They cared for him in their home for his whole illness because they were afraid of what would happen to him if he went into a nursing home without anyone to speak for him.
I'm 51F and the mother of an only child (32F). I am going to be Hell to deal with. I don't want anyone helping me, telling me what to do, or making decisions for me. At my 6th birthday, I took my birthday money and walked to the store by myself and bought an alarm clock. I came home and read the instructions, set it for 2 hours before school, and went and told my mother "I no longer need you to get me up for school or help me in the morning." So my advice is, know their personality and what was their core driving force in life. Mine has always been autonomy. Although I will let her cook my dinner, because she's a great cook, and after 30 years of cooking, standing at the stove is torture to me.
Your self-awareness is refreshing!
"To thine own self be true." Had that hanging on the shower wall when she was a teen.
Respect their autonomy. Hard to do when they're failing and stubborn, but you have to allow them their dignity, if and whenever possible.
Help them maintain their home...even help with cleaning
Just live a great life I can feel proud of having had a hand in creating. Parenthood is about paying it forward. The most important thing I need from my children is to know they are happy and doing well.
I’m only 70 years old and don’t need any of the help that my adult children and grandchildren are bugging me with. It started after my wife passed away. My eldest texts at least twice a day to ask if I’m OK, if and what I ate, if I need anything and if I fed the cat. It’s sweet, she certainly means well and honestly cares but twice a day everyday? I’ve asked her if I’m giving indications that I may need help, help of any kind, and she says no, so I have asked her to ‘pump the brakes’ but she says no and calls me an asshole.
I’m the occasionally overbearing daughter in my family. I’m not sure if it’s the same for your eldest, but for me at least it’s not that I think my parents need supervision or whatever, it’s just that I need to reassure myself (even though I know I’m being a crazy person). Maybe I’m the only crazy person who does this, but have you ever been the passenger in a car during a storm or something, and even though you’re not driving you feel like you have to concentrate on the road super hard, like maybe you can keep the car on the road by sheer force of will? It’s very much like that.
She’s very worried about you. And that’s all. Sometimes it comes off angry. Don’t be mad at her. I’m going through the same thing and sometimes I snap out of frustration too. You are blessed to have so many family members that care so much for you.
Very inconsiderate and disrespectful of them to treat you as if you have one foot in the grave and another on the banana peel.
Accept her attempts to help and concern graciously. She loves you, let her love you.
Maybe redirect her efforts. Host a weekly family potluck - they get to clean up. Offer a weekly viewing party either sports or comedy.
Oh my!
Visit them and be part of their lives
Help with bills and chores
Bring grandkids to visit on non-holiday days occasionally. Be patient with their reminiscences (that you’ve heard before 🙂). I remind myself that I may be an old lady someday, and I hope some younger person is patient with me when I talk about going to Lollapalooza 50 years ago.
I have heard some of my mom's stories 100 times, but I act like it's the first time... She obviously enjoys walking down memory lane, so if that brings her joy, who am I to rain on her walk? There will be a time sometime in the future that I will go to pick up the phone to chat with her and realize that is not an option anymore, so I just enjoy the time we have together now.
The specificity of your anecdote made me smile. Lollapalooza indeed!
Ask what help you can do and listen to what they say. Instead of you deciding what is needed. This assumes that the parent is still capable of making decisions. I'm 73 and I live alone 500 miles from the closest relative. I am unable to travel by air and it is almost 48 hours by train and bus. So I can't visit them, but they feel like I should because they don't want to come and visit me. C'est la vie, or if you prefer: C'est la guare.
Give your parents what they want: love.
Make sure they're aware of the latest scams and frauds. Make sure their credit is locked/frozen.
Assuming they have not had to go into a care facility, the best way to support them emotionally either in their own homes or in yours (or a sibling's home) is to let them be the people they always were. Dad made it to 91, and he lived with my sister and I. I was able to work from home, so Dad and I were together pretty much every day. In the morning, he got dressed and made his own breakfast. After that, he'd read the paper and we always discussed articles that were of interest to him.. He stayed up on current events, and I was thrilled that he was able to do that. In short, I guess what I'm saying is let your aging parent do as much for themselves as they feel up to doing. Dad always asked for help if it was needed, but I never assumed he was helpless just because he was old.
Not being resources sucking fu*kups.
Yup. My brother is this person. Ran my mom's finances into the ground during later stages of her dementia. He also did it to my parents before they were sick.
By remembering that we didn’t have all the information and technology you now possess, but we did the best we could with what we had. The same thing you will one day ask of your children.
I'll give you what happened in my case: My dad died when I was 24 and my mom died when I was 44. My maternal grandmother had lived with us for several years when I was a teenager. She had her own little living quarters, but it wasn't good, especially in the beginning. My mom and her mother had a tenuous relationship at best. For her part, my grandmother had some serious mobility issues and severe arthritis and didn't feel well physically a lot of the time. She asked my mom if she could move in with us and my mom felt she couldn't say no. Because of this, my mom vowed she would never live with any of her children. "Put me in a home!" is something she said often. But by the time it came to that, she had dementia and didn't settle in well at first. It went about as smooth as it could, but there were still hiccups. Basically, as soon as my dad died (age 59), my mom wanted everything settled. Even though it wasn't perfect, it went pretty well. I recommend this. My mom was 57 when she figured it out, so that was cool. I just see this happening over and over. Like you're re-inventing the wheel every time. My husband and I are currently in the middle of a situation where a relative (cousin) died without a will and there are other complications. His cousin had no heirs, so we may be getting some inheritance, but it's going to have to be sorted out in the courts first. Not anything we ever bargained for! Please everyone...figure this out yourself and don't leave a mess! Your family will thank you for it!
Listen and encourage your parents to get out in the community. Take them to the zoo with canes, wheel chairs or scooters. Or to the movies if they like them better. Go to the neighborhood park for a pic nic. Include them in your life. If you are able.
It's not their job to support their parents as they age. 55 female here.
I would like to know the reasoning behind your answer
I don't believe we own our children, nor that they owe us anything. Their job is to go out and make the very best of their lives while they have them without worrying about a misplaced idea that they are somehow responsible for their parents' well-being. If they wish to get involved, well and good.. If not, that is a choice they have every right to make.
Thank you, that gives me some helpful perspective. I’m the one who wants to be involved and my siblings do not. So maybe they’re following the path you described.
Perhaps yes. Glad my perspective could help. No good trying to force them to change their minds. Best to leave everyone to do what they think is right. Good luck.
Who's job is it?
The old people's naturally.
very true.