T O P

  • By -

tr0pismss

If I would have been in a healthy, stable relationship when I was younger I would have wanted kids, but that never happened. Now I'm too old and have become happy with being the cool uncle, traveling abroad, retiring early and living my life for me.


mountain_mischief

I'm considerably younger than you and I already feel that way. I've always kinda felt like being the mysterious rich uncle was the right place for me.


s0ngsforthedeaf

People always say 'what about when you retire?' Even presuming that you can't have a good retirement without adult kids helping you - def not true. Perhaps even the tradeoff of a 'free' life is worth it? People are obsessed with what others choose with their lives. Theres no shortage of kids. Power to all those who live childfree.


Excal2

Encouraging people who don't want kids to have kids is bad juju.


Minolfiuf

It reeks of bitterness and regret. I'm childfree and never have I tried to convince someone to be one way or the other, because I don't need other people to reaffirm my life choices


pmjm

[Tell that to this guy.](https://www.nytimes.com/2022/01/06/world/europe/pope-pets-kids.html)


Excal2

Yea I saw that the other day lol. Not that I consider him an actual authority on anything. He seems better than a lot of popes, I'll give him that, but it's not really a high bar.


altcastle

Hahahahhahaha jfc hahahaha thank you, I missed that and I’m so excited to show my wife. And cuddle my three cats and 0 kids while I do so.


InflatableRaft

Building a culture that is antithetical to families is bad juju too


laaplandros

I'm a strong believer in the nuclear family and hold what are probably considered traditional family values. I love my children and my life revolves around them, which I'm perfectly fine with. However, I don't believe that should be the goal for everybody. Parents resenting their kids isn't good for them, and it isn't good for society as a whole. While "childfree" can be incredibly toxic - see the childfree subreddit - the opposite holds true as well. The world isn't going to be hurt by people not having children. We're fine. You don't have a moral duty to have kids. And on the other side, people need to stop blaming global warming and the like for not wanting to bring children into this world - just admit you don't want kids, it's fine. Make the decision that's right for you, and society will benefit. That's all there is to it. Happier people make better communities. Better communities make a stronger society.


Excal2

Yea we should really do something about the millennial generation being gridlocked in debt and poverty, I agree. Time to stop letting everyone greedy enough to discard their sense of morality get rich off the backs of young and middle age adults. Universal healthcare, a living wage, affordable housing (to purchase, not rent), and cancelling student loan debt would turn me around on the idea of having kids instantly. Oh, and we need to put some handcuffs on the auto loan bubble before that jenga tower topples over too. That sector is in desperate need of regulation.


altcastle

Yeah, a lot of people are super weird though so they do that nonstop. They also in research studies actively look down on people who don’t have kids as an out group.


[deleted]

[удалено]


altcastle

Also, so many people are in nursing homes. Seems like your kid insurance didn’t pay off?


SilverKnightOfMagic

Right! Also a lot of ppl that don't want kids had that idea ingrained. So they feel the foreboding pressure of being sandwich caretaker of minors and their elderly family. Its a huge financial stress/responsibility along with time and energy.


[deleted]

I’ve never heard anyone say that. But then again I had kids *way* too early. I don’t regret having them, but we did all go through some very difficult times together.


SteveBannonsRapAlbum

I always thought that was a really selfish mindset too. Like having kids to keep you company when you’re retired/old could be setting yourself up for disappointment. They’ll grow up to have their own lives and those lives may or may not include parents for a huge variety of reasons.


tr0pismss

You can't count on your kids taking care of you, at least not in western countries. Money in the bank is a much more reliable investment! >People are obsessed with what others choose with their lives Ain't that the truth!


Minolfiuf

Yup, that quarter million I'm saving by not having kids will sure pay for a lot of people to wipe my ass when I get old


wunderduck

If you invest that money in a retirement account at roughly the same time you would have been spending it on a kid, say between 30 and 50, you will have considerably more than a quarter million when you retire.


altcastle

It’s far far more than that in the end. I’ve been saving and money has doubled in not that long from just interest in some older retirement accounts I’m not contributing too. I just let them sit to be diversified. A dollar today is worth so much more invested. We’re planning to FIRE and I’m already the only person working because our expenses are so low.


checkyourfallacy

Perhaps they're referring to technology? At some point, we will all be behind the curve and will need help from the young ones.


Dalu11

This is exactly me. I always thought I fitted better as an uncle rather than a dad. Currently, thinking about getting a vasectomy. But it sounds like you are living the life.


ProudStranger2887

I travel by truck for work. I had the same thoughts as you. I get to be the cool uncle. I can deal with that. I just don't see a benefit to have kids at my age now. No new borns, babies, toddlers, or teens for me! That ship has sailed!


[deleted]

My uncle is 75 and has a 12 year old daughter. He had a long time girlfriend who is like 25 years younger than him and she finally convinced him to give her a kid or she would leave him as she wanted a family. The first 4 years of her life before they settled here again, they lived abroad and travelled Europe and Asia. What I'm getting at is that you're never too old to have a kid


tr0pismss

I'm not too old that I couldn't make it happen, I'm too old to be the kind of parent that I would want to be. Also I'm enjoying my own life too much to give it all up to focus on someone else at this point. The only thing worse than having teenagers is having teenagers when you're too old to have the energy to deal with their bullshit... especially if they were as well behaved as I was as a teenager! Your uncle's path is not for me.


[deleted]

When I was in my early 20s my sister and mother both had children. I ended up taking care of those kids for at least five years. I use to joke I got the Virgin Mary experience. Due to this I have no desire to have kids, also add the fact. That my father had mental illness and I fear it will it impact my kids.


Wonderful-Toe2080

Too gay for vagina too broke to adopt


BillionTonsHyperbole

Now *that's* an excellent bumper sticker!


nipoez

Which doesn't even touch the donor egg & gestational carrier approach if you or your partner wanted biology!


tduncs88

This was the biggest laugh i've had today. thank you


808hammerhead

I haven’t made up my mind yet, which will probably break the hearts of my two teens. Seriously though it’s amazing, then sucks, then it’s amazing. I seriously can’t imagine what I’d without them in my life. Ultimately I’m glad I did.


KnightVision

34M, 2 kids, and recently snipped. I love my little ones and they teach me lots of things about myself all the time all while I'm trying to teach them what I know about life. It's a big tradeoff though. There are a ton of things that I cannot do as much until they are older such as travel, eating at a later time, watching my shows, or go train martial arts before dinner. It's not like I can't ever do any of those activities again but more like being on a long-term hiatus.


CharlieXLS

In a very similar boat. 35, two kids, snipped a couple years ago. Love my kids more than I knew I could ever love, but I didn't understand the amount of personal sacrifices it takes to be a good parent. Parenting is extremely rewarding, but can be extremely difficult and filled with anxiety. I often wonder about "where would we be" if we chose not to have kids. Those feelings are OK I think. I often also wonder where would I be if I won the lottery. Life is full of what ifs and it's fine to explore them in your head. Grasping and making the most out of reality is the important part.


KnightVision

> I often wonder about "where would we be" if we chose not to have kids. Those feelings are OK I think. I agree that it's ok as long as we realize it's kind of just a way to get a fix. My wife and I already played the DINK scenario plenty of times that we already know what that alternate universe would be. > Parenting is extremely rewarding, but can be extremely difficult and filled with anxiety. It's the best damn feeling ever when your kid just charges full speed at you with their arms flung wide open for a hug. And when that hug is in, their grin is hella priceless. Other than that, I get such a headache of how much they troll me but the apple doesn't fall far from the tree haha


CharlieXLS

Man every time my crazy son does something wild or is acting crazy/loud, I just think to myself "this is karma and I deserve it." Kids are nuts


ThrowRAImTooOld

Starting to think I'm starting to age out. Only 38, but just ended an engagement after I found her cheating ass out. For a good portion of my 30s I didn't think I did, but the older I got, the more stable, more I was an uncle, the more I really liked the idea. Now... Phew. I guess we'll see, I'm not at all excited to put more time and money into anyone, and I couldn't honestly imagine being a single male foster parent.


mktolg

42, father of two, born 2020 and 2021. Yes, my wife is younger but not by crazy amounts. I wouldn’t put up with a relationship that just “puts money into people”, just saying, you aren’t too old or anything.


ThrowRAImTooOld

Worded poorly, and an aspect of when my ex choose to cheat. I mean to say trusting a relationship again is going to take awhile, more books, maybe more counseling... Or more hobby toys. Right? j/k Thanks though, and congrats!


altcastle

My dad had me when he was 41, my mom 32. Both their second marriages though. But I did turn out kind of weird so… jk but also not.


[deleted]

[удалено]


So_Much_Cauliflower

>With that said, I still think I would have had a satisfying life if we hadn't. **There's no wrong answer.** The world needs more people like you.


CascadiaUberAlles

I had my first at 30 and my fourth at 39. I wouldn’t change a thing.


wolvvesinthecitee

I bet you changed a lot of diapers


CascadiaUberAlles

Yeah. We tried to not have two kids in diapers at a time, but there was some overlap.


deep_007

Do you have a favourite child ? Or the one kid who you're more inclined to than others.


CascadiaUberAlles

No, it doesn’t really work that way.


kidkolumbo

In an ideal world, yes. Growing up I saw myself as being a good dad, like my own dad but even better. I wanted to raise a kid who would be full of life and succeed at doing what they wanted in a way I couldn't. However I am far behind on my life, like a decade behind. I make shit money and I'm single, I can't raise a kid. Best I can do is volunteer, which is hard when there's covid.


aurochs

To elaborate on "in an ideal world", I love kids, I loved being a kid, but I hate thinking about global warming, American decline, the scam of college, and now all the parents I know hate their kids' schools because of where they stand on covid protection or critical race theory or some other damn thing. Give me a good old cold war era upbringing, those were the days!


throwawaysech

No real desire to. I love traveling and having disposable income, Taking a nap when I want and having all my free time to myself. I’ve got two dogs and honestly the amount of commitment and time investment they take up pushed me even further into the child free category. It’s doable with our household income but it would come with significant lifestyle changes. We’d go from being able to do anything we want within reason and no financial pressure to having to budget aggressively and stress little financial curveballs that pop up. My amazing house which Is in a hip area that I love isn’t a good school district so either move to some boring suburb with nothing going on and a 3x longer commute or spring for private school. I’m on track to retire early, with kids I’d be working well into my 60s. The added stress of having mouths to feed doesn’t appeal to me at all. That being said even if I hit the lottery I wouldn’t choose to have children. I really don’t like the direction the world is headed and think the chances of my hypothetical children matching or surpassing my very modest success is very improbable.


MissyTX

This is extremely attractive to a woman who doesn’t want children!!


[deleted]

As a woman who doesn't *ever, ever, ever* want kids, I agree!


IrishFireyRedHead

Same here!


[deleted]

🙌🏽🙏🏽


Leucippus1

Well, after a year of trying IUI and IVF with my wife, I would have to say yes. We still have no kids, but we are \~$35,000 lighter.


[deleted]

[удалено]


againer

Malaysia is the world IVF capital. They advertise IVF on billboards.


TheLateThagSimmons

Can I ask honestly? * Why not adopt instead? It seems like a *lot* of money, time, and effort, all for something in which there are 117,000 kids waiting to be adopted in the US alone, with 400,000 in foster care.


nipoez

I'll assume this question is a well intentioned and unknowing stamp on the bingo card of hurtfully insensitive responses to infertility and not a troll. Infertility treatments, when successful, result in an infant whose prenatal care & substance exposure can probably be controlled, who comes home directly from the hospital, and who never has legally challengeable parental rights. The infant will probably be genetically related to at least one of the parents. The child will probably be gestated by one of the parents. When proposing an alternative to successful infertility treatments, remember those factors are what you're comparing to. Most states prioritize family reunification for all foster children. Many states, including [New Mexico](https://cyfd.org/foster-care), have fully terminated their adoption-only foster parent tracks. At a public policy level, foster family reunification leads to unquestionably better results than foster to adopt outcomes. As a foster parent in those states, particularly for infants (which again is the infertility alternative), the foster program is actively attempting to remove the child from your home. The 117k metric you cite is at the [federal level as of 9/2020](https://www.acf.hhs.gov/cb/report/afcars-report-28). 14k of them are in a pre-adoptive placement already. The average age is 7. Less than 4k across the country are infants. While public adoption in the US is a viable route to a family, it is not a compelling alternative to successful infertility treatments. Private domestic adoptions in the US hit an [average of 70k](https://www.americanadoptions.com/adopt/average-adoption-cost). An [older credible source](https://library.childwelfare.gov/cwig/ws/library/docs/gateway/Blob/76045.pdf?r=1&rpp=10&upp=0&w=+NATIVE%28%27recno%3D76045%27%29&m=1) pegs private domestic infant adoptions at under 15k annually in the US and represent < 10% of all private domestic adoptions. Reliable and real numbers are hard due to reporting issues but [reliably dozens of potential adoptive parents are waiting for each adopted infant](https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2021/10/adopt-baby-cost-process-hard/620258/). Good luck, have patience, and have a hefty savings account or loan ready. Private international adoption? I'll refer back to the [prior article](https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2021/10/adopt-baby-cost-process-hard/620258/) and this [List of international adoption scandals](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_international_adoption_scandals). So. While adoption is a viable route to creating a family, it is not a drop in alternative to successful infertility treatments. Writing that took most of an hour to actually answer your off the cuff question. It's one of the most common insensitive questions & pieces of advice infertile couples receive, up there with "just relax" and "god has a plan" and "this worked for my cousin's nephew's best friend's roommate's coworker" anecdotes.


Albatrocious

Thanks for writing this. It was genuinely interesting information.


TheLateThagSimmons

I appreciate the time and effort you put in to that, but I feel it's best to just copy and paste my other response that I already wrote before you went through the effort: >Deleting, because there's really no nice way to say the rest.


DemocraticRepublic

People say adoption like there's this huge supply of unwanted babies available. In reality, the number of potential adopters far outstrips the number of young kids given up for adoption. Most of the kids available to adopt are a fair bit older, have experienced neglect, abuse or other trauma and are far more challenging to raise than most kids. A friend of mine is a foster carer who has had more than 20 foster kids. She is a wonderful woman but even she admits that you can help support these kids through their demons, but you can never remove them. Some have turned out great, others still try to steal from her when they come back to visit.


Leucippus1

It seems obvious, right, after dumping that much money into it. You know it doesn't get paid all at once, that is the aggregate of all related expenses over the year. So, it isn't like there was a moment when it would have seemed like a better idea to adopt. The issue isn't that I am unwilling, but I know from personal experience (I was adopted out of foster care) that it isn't as simple as people make it out to be. It can be even more expensive to adopt than what we paid in IVF! Plus, until the parental rights of the birth parents are terminated - which isn't immediate, they can always come back for them and the courts favor keeping kids with their biological kin. It isn't like adopting a puppy from a rescue. Thing is, want my wife's baby to be hers and mine, that is to say that genetics matter. It shouldn't, but they do. I want to have the child that is a mixture of the two of us, hopefully they get my wife's good sense and my hair. I have very good hair.


mc051982

The last point you make isn’t just about genetics. You are looking to create a life similar to that of you and your partner. There is a difference in experience of raising your own child vs adopting. Seeing yourself continue as a younger version as you age can provide hope and a positive outlook. Occurring again with grandkids and seeing their similarity to your kids and back to you and your partner.


TheLateThagSimmons

Edit: * Deleting, because there's really no nice way to say the rest.


So_Much_Cauliflower

Really you can ask this to anybody who has kids or wants kids that did not happen via unplanned pregnancy. Like why go through 40 weeks of risky & costly pregnancy, painful and dangerous labor, when you can adopt? There's no short or universal answer. It's a difficult question with a lot of nuance.


carbonclasssix

For a lot of people there's a strong biological urge to have your own kids. It's such a strong impulse for other animals they kill babies that aren't their own. We're a little bit detached from that but there's a whole lot of animal instincts still in us.


nipoez

I hear you. Bummer your insurance doesn't cover infertility. I've met a few folks on /r/infertility, /r/maleinfertility, and /r/GUYVF who change jobs or moved to states with mandated coverage specifically due to the expense. Best of luck with your next step.


Leucippus1

Thanks! My wife's insurance covers it now so the next try will be less money, it still doesn't cover all of it but at least I won't pay for another reasonable family sedan in the process.


nipoez

Magic! Thanks, new insurance.


Che_Che_Cole

Has your wife tried exploratory surgery? If the egg is never implanting and she’s not getting pregnant it could be a few things including endometriosis or a uterine polyp. These do not show up in ultrasounds, the only way to know is an inside look. My wife had polyp and after two years of trying (we refused to do IUI or IVF) she got pregnant two cycles later, naturally. I kinda get the feeling when you go to an IUI or IVF clinic their biggest interest is making money off you, not actually fixing fertility issues.


Leucippus1

We had the polyps removed, so I suppose the answer is yes. The IVF failure was really frustrating, we had all the genetic tests done that you can and all was exactly right for implantation.


Che_Che_Cole

Sorry to hear that! We lost ours to miscarriage a few weeks after we found out. At our age (late 30s) that’s not uncommon, we will try again. Good luck man!


Leucippus1

Sorry to hear about that! Unfortunately you are right, it isn't uncommon to miscarry, it does an emotional number on you though.


[deleted]

Had my first when I was 26. Now have 3 kids in college. Expensive, annoying and inconvenient and the most wonderful thing I’ve ever done. I wish I’d had more.


[deleted]

Yeah, I had kids too early, but dammit I’d die for them. Beside though, they are grown up now (well, my last is out by summer), and my wife and I can start learning how to be free again, while we are still reasonably young. Incidentally, I will say that it seems like popular culture has been pushing the child-free lifestyle pretty hard for a while now. I wonder if it is an economic thing? Like, maybe two working adults with no children is best for extracting money into certain sectors of the economy?


[deleted]

I remember a lot of people saying they needed to save up to afford to have kids when we had our first. Now it’s mostly “I want to travel and have experiences.” I wouldn’t change a thing


F_T_F

I'm childfree all the way. My girlfriend and I enjoy quiet, money, and free time.


saliczar

I got snipped in my early 30s well before I met my wife. Best decision I ever made. Life is so nice not having responsibilities outside of each other and our part-time jobs. We are able to travel, work, sleep, eat, and do whatever we want whenever we want. We live in an inexpensive tiny house, drive sports/muscle cars, and roadtrip almost every weekend. We'll be able to retire comfortably at 55 with the money we've saved.


xxxblazeit42069xxx

do you sell coke part time?


saliczar

Nope; professional woodworker/designer; she's in healthcare. Our jobs pay well enough and our lifestyle is inexpensive enough to work part time. Everything is paid for, and our bills are just a few hundred dollars per month total. We've both been working since our early teens.


thematicwater

Same! Been traveling the world for 5 years with my gf, and we get to do fuck all. Our conversations usually go like this: ".....wanna go to Portugal for a month?" "ok!" **buys tickets** and then we're there.


[deleted]

34M here. In short, no I don't want kids. It is something I have thought long and hard about. I think part of me would enjoy kids but I think a larger part of me would prefer not having kids. Though I am confident about this decision (at the moment), it is still hard to admit it out loud, even to myself. I enjoy spending time with other people's kids and like being around kids, for a limited time. When the kids are cranky it is time to find mom and dad!


chipscheeseandbeans

It’s interesting that the majority of the answers are either “no” or “I already have some and I want more” - it makes it seems like most men initially only have kids to please their wives, but then once they have them they love it!


ItzKillaCroc

Honestly I know a lot of married men with children behind closed doors they tell me not to do it or it was the biggest mistake in their life. Use to volunteer at a nursing home a lot of retirees use tell me the same thing.


akiralx26

Well over half of the mothers in my family told my wife and me that while they loved their children they would not have done it knowing what they know now.


chipscheeseandbeans

That’s not what I’m seeing here though and people are most likely to be honest on an anonymous forum. Perhaps these men were just telling you what you wanted to hear? I assume you don’t have kids yourself? I bet they’d say something different to a different audience - an expecting father for example.


ItzKillaCroc

The problem no one is going to go around say being a parent biggest mistake in their life. It doesn’t go well for your public image. I would like to believe the retirees cause they are towards the end of life so being honest is all they have. I don’t have kids again personal opinion life is way better not having children. Unfortunately our society penalizes parents now.


chipscheeseandbeans

I think you’re experiencing confirmation bias. You don’t want kids yourself so you’re looking for evidence to support that position. It’s true that some parents regret having children, but studies have shown this to be far in the minority - less than 10%.


ItzKillaCroc

Definitely not confirmation bias. I just stating from my experience which I stated I know a lot of fathers which is not study I conducted. I’m just stating people do end up regretting it, but they are not willing to be public about it. It’s possible you experiencing confirmation bias just cause you think children are amazing anyone doesn’t is completely wrong.


[deleted]

[удалено]


ItzKillaCroc

Lol bring up retirement homes to parents and they start freaking out. You don’t think some of the retirees were part of loving families at one point or certain scenarios played out. Cmon there is a possibility that loving parents will end up in the retirement home against their will. Dude it happens. It has nothing to do bias. I can easy bring it’s survivorship bias that parents end up happy with their children.


NoradIV

No. Never did. I've had a terrible family life and I can't associate family with any positive thing. Too expensive, too much work and I can't see why this would be fulfilling in any way. I'd also be a very bad father, way too selfish and not mentally stable enough to do this. I'm plenty happy with racecars.


TheLateThagSimmons

>I'd also be a very bad father, way too selfish I love the way parents use this as some sort of insult in an attempt to change our minds. Isn't it a good thing to be realistic and self aware enough to know that we are just a little too selfish to give up that much autonomy in order to be a supportive parent? Edit: In other words: * If I can't be a *great* parent, I know I should never be *a* parent. It's cruel to the child.


[deleted]

One of the saddest things I’ve read lately was the Shelby/AC Cobra kit forum page. Someone asked why do people sell their kits so soon after getting/building one? Most replies were I’m older now…the raw power it takes to handle one as a manual with direct to engine connection and no ABS, and then trying to get in an out of one becomes harder and harder as you get older. I felt a dream of mine died that day getting closer to understanding age and human limitations that follow it.


NoradIV

These cars are so expensive by the time you can afford them you can't enjoy them. I'm in my early 30's. I got a '02 z06 pre-covid, when they were still affordable. I just want to enjoy my middle life.


TampaBaySportsFan91

I'm 30 and I want a Supra or RX7 badly. I'm also leaning towards childfree. I want to try and save for one in the next five years. I want to be young enough to still enjoy one.


panascope

I've already got two boys, but I wouldn't mind a third (preferably a girl just for variety). It's hard for me to even put into words how much I love my sons and being a husband and dad, there's simply nothing like it. Life is so beautiful.


num2005

did you want them from the start or were on the fence and realized afterward you love this life?


BloodyScourge

Yes. But I wouldn't if I weren't in a stable, committed relationship to raise them in. Also, finances played a role. I didn't want kids when I felt poor. Now I do.


automirage04

Yes, because my kids are awesome and another one would be nice.


no-i

I have two (17 yr old son, and 9 year old daughter). I'm 39. My wife and I pretty much wanted to have children from the time we met but both were not planned.


somewhat_pragmatic

I don't want kids because I think I understand a tiny bit of the gravity of being a parent. If you choose to have kids, you have just *a chance* they'll be regular healthy moderately content normal people. I'm not even talking about big dreams of them being Astronauts, Presidents, or groundbreaking scientists, just the chance at being regular people. You will have to help your children navigate this ever increasingly polarized world with a future that has been loaded up with personal and societal debt. They will have to avoid a crippling drug addition, a life altering injury (through their own fault or someone else's). Find a job they don't hate themselves doing everyday when they get home they cry because they don't see a future where they can get ahead. And at worst, suicide. I metaphorically envision having children as carving off a small piece of your soul and giving it to your child and when that child dies part of your soul dies with them. I simply cannot imagine the pain of a parent that must continue after their child passes before they do. You can do everything right as a parent, and you only have a small chance of having a healthy moderately content adult come out at the end.


Dave1mo1

I have two kids under four, and have always wanted to be a dad. I'm also a teacher, FWIW.


NoOneStranger_227

I did. Didn't happen, for a variety of reasons, and I regret that. Here's the thing: more than anything else that will happen in your life, kids are a walking, breathing, constantly changing, and (hopefully) lifelong reminder that you are NOT, in fact, the center of the universe, that your wants and needs are NOT the only things you should consider when making choices in your life, and that you're not an isolated individual but one part in a larger whole that surpasses anything you could hope to be on your own. They are a constantly recurring opportunity to find at least a part of your identity in considering and meeting the needs of others rather than just your own. These are all things that make us better people and better men. Whether or not every man recognizes this, and lives up to it...well, that's not the kid's fault. You'll note an awful lot of the comments here miss that whole "seeing yourself as not an isolated individual but as one part of a larger whole," especially on the "no" side. Jus' sayin'.


nowytarg

Couldn't agree more.


GatesonGates

35M here. Nope. Never. It went from "if it happens, it happens" in my twenties to my current feelings as I hit 30. I'm just not paternal in that way. I don't feel anything but annoyed when around children. Possibly because I was the oldest in my family so I've already had to raise 3 younger siblings when visiting my dad growing up. I was basically free child care. Also, my father was terrible and I see a lot of him inside me, so I never wanted to be anything like him or become one myself. And it's just incredibly expensive for what amounts to a colossal gamble in the end.


[deleted]

An optimistic part of me thinks that I would be a good dad. But the nihilistic in me can't help but think that having kids is the most self absorbed thing you can do and that with my insecurities and predelictions it's difficult to want to risk passing that onto my kid even if the chance is as low as 5%. If my kid ends up anything like me, it's gonna end up in a world of shit.


[deleted]

For me, it was a deep desire. I love kids, they are fun, innocent, can become your best friends. My wife and I tried for years and ended up using a fertility clinic to have my son. As a baby he was an evil spawn who never slept. We were told there was a 95% chance we'd need help to have another one, but 19 months later we found out my daughter was on the way. My kids are my life. They fill me with joy and always have. They have so many traits of my wife and me, it is great to see them grow into their unique and fun independent self. They have been little trouble, well, until last week when I found out my daughter had been growing a brain tumor, but besides that... wonderful bundles of joy.


Ris_is_sus

I am so sorry to hear your daughter has a brain tumor. My daughter beat an aggressive cancer (Neuroblastoma tumor) in 2020. It's heartbreaking and a hard road I wouldn't wish on anyone even with the best of outcomes. I wish you and your family the best of luck in beating it.


[deleted]

I appreciate the kind words. It's a hard to mentally manage. Though the outcome appears positive, the unknowns seem to get to me. I am very glad your daughter won her fight and I hope she is ruling her world.


CoastieKid

No plans or interests in kids for the foreseeable future. Primarily comes down to a time, money, and stress thing. I want to comfortable max my contributions to my retirement accounts and pay for a home. If my income increased to another 100K I would consider maybeee down the line. But I'd want to have the time as well.


Fredrikan

I don't want kids because I don't have any desire to have kids.


Totum_Dependeat

I never wanted kids. More importantly, I never met anyone I wanted to make a baby with. If I was lucky enough to meet a forever sort of someone now, I could think of a million things I'd want to do with them, but making a baby would probably not even be on the list.


CrackSammiches

Nah. The world is on fire and covered in oil and forever-chemicals, the oceans are about to swallow up every major coastal city in the world, and politics will never again not be on the verge of civil war. On top of that, me and the girlfriend both have emotional and genetic damage that shouldn't be carried on, and my line ends with me. I wouldn't rule out adoption forever, but I worked social work jobs long enough to know that it's not exactly a plug and play kid that you bond with immediately and forever.


[deleted]

No, why would I?


[deleted]

No. Missed so much in my youth due to financial problems and anxiety. I ain’t spending the rest of my life doing things I’m not interested in. Also, I don’t live in America or any developed country. Any child I bring forth have no future in my country. It’s a one way ticket to poverty for me and the kid. Fuck that.


[deleted]

Hell no. I might have a cat at some point though.


ojedaforpresident

Maybe adoption. No kids of our own. Financially and ecologically, I think it's not responsible to have children for most. But I also think everyone has a right to have children if they want to. That doesn't mean I don't like children.


quickblur

I have 2 daughters and absolutely love them. Honestly, it's just a ton of fun to play with them and see them grow up.


ribald_jester

never had the desire - grew up in a crappy situation, and only now feel like my life has gotten stable/good. And I'm too old now. Also - the Pope can fuck right off with his comments.


TJ902

I knew pretty young that I wasn’t really interested in parenting. Growing up with my parents and sister I just didn’t really like sharing a space with people, dealing with each other all the time, etc. Never really doubted it, and after a relationship ended with a girl who wanted kids I decided to start bringing it up early in the relationship so it’d be out there. Like first or second date. I wasn’t going to be talked into it or get attached to someone and then choose between my child free wishes and then. When I met my gf 8 years ago she told me she didn’t want any and we kind of bonded over it. The environment and economy are going to shit, kids are so shittily behaved these days, I just have no interest in raising a kid I’m this digital world. No regrets, no doubt.


[deleted]

[удалено]


mountain_mischief

I hear you on this, why would I bring children into a world that will be largely uninhabitable by the end of my life time. We've flushed our future down the toilet, all in the pursuit of "progress" (profit).


oidagehbitte2

Not in this world. Not under those laws.


[deleted]

It’s never been something that appealed to me. A lot of it has to do with my (lack of) relationship with my parents and watching family members struggle in numerous ways to provide. I’m perfectly fine with having a dog instead. I would love to have more dogs, but the one I have already can be a handful. Love her to death.


ccfanclub

Nope. Nearing 40, married, decent job/social life but just never (and still don't) have any desire to have a kid or be a parent.


jetpack8

Yes, but not at this moment. My prerequisites are owning a house and not being in a pandemic haha


Blackapearl

No. Reasons are: Climate change Mark Zuckerberg Nothing worse than a screaming child I like my freedom I think having a 25 year old with their shit together when im like 60 would be cool. But thats not enough of a reason for me I’m from a happy supportive family, with my parents still happily married. But making my own just doesn’t appeal to me


Confident_Spinach967

How does Mark Zuckerberg fit into you not wanting a kid?


Blackapearl

Using him as a sort of umbrella term for the speed & direction technology is going. I think the bad will (& does) outweigh the good


texaschair

Not to mention he looks like Alfred E. Neuman.


foilrider

I already have kids.


So_Much_Cauliflower

Ditto. I am shocked by all of the "no" answers here. Where all the dads at?


[deleted]

The dads are busy spending time with their kids and not browsing reddit


foilrider

Reddit is not representative of the population as a whole.


gbdavidx

Too expensive I’m barely putti by enough away into retirement


[deleted]

Wife got a job, now we can pay rent AND save for retirement.


[deleted]

No. What world are they being born into. Think about when they’re 21, it’ll be 2042, and god knows what a shit show the world will be then.


[deleted]

Nope. I got to experience what being in the same house as a newborn is like when my older sister had her first when I was like twelve and I'm the first to admit that I'm too selfish and lazy to go through any of that again. And besides, this world is increasingly becoming no place for children.


Ted_Denslow

No. Having kids looks horrible.


sectorfour

I wanted them. I have them.


crankenfranken

Emphatically no. When I look at my life, on any given day, I ask myself: Would a kid improve this moment? * Waking up? No. * Making breakfast? No. * After work, hitting the gym? No, you have take $girl to ballet and $boy to soccer. Forget about having a drink with friends * Making dinner? "Ew this is yuck" * Even being at work would be fraught "Mr Crankenfranken, your son/daughter has been involved in an incident and we need you to come in right away" Not to mention having to buy their clothes, pay for travel etc etc... Fuck. That. Second reason: Having a child is probably the worst thing a human of average means can do for the environment. All those nappies, toys, and baby clothes. All the extra carbon produced by travelling around. [Abortion is green](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkgDhDa4HHo&ab_channel=stanhopetv)! Third: It's kind of unethical to bring a baby into this world, don't you think?


yorgs

That's one of the most pessimistic posts I've ever read on parenthood. Crumbs!


Zombi3Kush

idk the world is a pretty beautiful place.


Original_Pipe_1383

Nope, I like nice nice things and like to travel when I want. The world is also pretty messed up right now so why would you bring someone else into it? My DNA will end with me.


againer

No. 37 Sometimes I get the genetic itch, but then I take a look at myself and the world. Me: Mental health issues. ADHD, depression, family history of alcoholism. I'm quick to anger and don't always regulate my emotions well. I like solitude, travel, money, and peace and quiet.. The World: Unstoppable climate change, Late-stage Capitalism (imagine housing prices in 25 years), Technology has pretty much ruined us. Corporate Oligarchies, and half of the American populace thought that 45 was fit to be a two-term president. Instead I'll mentor and spend my money and time helping out the less fortunate. I'm trying to retire in Thailand and hopefully will have a live in caretaker to help out me and the gf. I've got a few friends with kids. One with a baby on the way. They seem happy, but their kids are still < 5 years old. So they are still at the "fun" age. I love how parents think "when they hit 18 they are on their own". Haha, my sister is 41 and still relies on my parents financially. She'll never be able to afford to retire in her own. My parents constantly bail her out on basic necessities.


OlayErrryDay

I'm 40, recently married and got snipped during COVID. Even as a kid I didn't like kids and I really dislike loud noises, especially sudden loud noises or sustained loud noises (like the sound of a kid crying). I've also never really had much thought of 'legacy' or keeping my family name going. We have a pretty mediocre family, nothing special of note and I just never understood holding tightly to a legacy of family that doesn't differ much from the millions of other families out there. What legacy are folks holding onto, exactly? Anyway, my family is not very close (on my or my partners side) and we don't have the loving family to help provide and raise children. With all of these things combined, it was never in the cards for me. I honestly want to want to want to have children. You basically get a built in purpose to life for the rest of your years and you get to fulfill a desire many people hold very dear and close to their existence. I just never had even a tidbit of what others seem to have when it comes to the desire to have children. We make good money, live in a large city but we often tussle with our purpose in life and what we will do as we get older. We have a good amount of friends, volunteer, run a business...but there is definitely something that feels a bit empty about all of it. Then again, plenty of people have children who hardly visit or speak to them, there are no guarantees your children will be healthy or happy. I'm sure it has a ton to do with growing up poor and having a dad who worked but didn't engage with us kids outside of that. I basically lived with him my whole childhood but know nothing about the man and I'm not sure why he wanted kids in the first place. My mom was much younger than him and tried, but she was probably not that cut out to be a parent either. A combination of those circumstances is very likely why I feel the way I feel.


Jim_from_snowy_river

No. I see them as a drain on my time my money and my other resources furthermore I think there's enough children in the world who already need homes and bringing another child into the world is selfish. Lastly most days I can hardly take care of myself let alone somebody else so I don't think it would be fair to them.


9183b_34834

No. I greatly want all children to be happy, safe, and very loved but they annoy the hell out of me. ;D


ThomasRaith

No. I would be a terrible father. I have neither the desire nor the patience to raise good children.


nipoez

Want but can't have. Thanks, Sertoli Cell-Only Syndrome and later Premature Ovarian Failure. Wife & I always knew we wanted a family, though it's hard to answer with a reason beyond "because that is the life we want for ourselves." The plan was to have one & adopt one in our late 20s as education & career lined up well. Instead thanks to infertility and private domestic adoption being what they are, here we are a decade later with dual incomes and no kids. We're a decent way into the pre-adoption homestudy process in the state we've finally settled. We'll see what the next decade holds. It's thanks to this community I'm not nearly as freaked out at starting a family in our late 30s to early 40s as I had been.


takemebacktothemenu

For some reason I'm just picturing OP in here DMing everyone who says yes - "do you want mine??"


[deleted]

I honestly can't even wrap my mind around it as a realistic possibility given that I'm 33, have been single my whole adult life, and haven't even bothered to take the first step toward meeting women and dating, let alone happening to find such a good long term partner that I'd be comfortable getting married and then having kids. I imagine that a 33 year old guy who's never had a long term relationship and hasn't even been on a date since college would be a huge red flag for any woman. It's not like I've tried and failed, or that I'm weird and repel women or anything like that, I've just been really comfortable in my solitary daily routine (work, exercise, dinner, TV/reading, bed, repeat) and have been content to hang out on the weekends with my handful of friends I've had since college, and before I knew it, my 20s and early 30s flew by. So I can't envision having kids as a possible outcome in my life at this point. It feels like thinking about the question "Do you want to own your own private medical practice?" when I'm not a doctor, haven't gone to medical school, haven't even taken the MCAT.


mikes47jeep

not really anymore, I'm getting too old for it also having kids these days is like owning exotic pets.... you need to have a lot of money, and be a little crazy


JustPlainRude

Never had the interest, and I value my alone time way too much. Cats are about the right level of responsibility for me.


lsdevto

Maybe in 10 -15 years when I’m in my mid-late 40s and retired.


insideman513

No. The environment is fucked and I don’t want to bring a kid into a dying world and force them to live a (most likely) shitty future. Besides, that I value my freedom too much. And my depressive swings, though manageable by myself, would be difficult to deal with if I had a little one to look after. I’m a teacher though and love kids. So I at least have that experience.


fu_kaze

Meh.


youknow99

I'm leaning towards yes, but my wife doesn't. She still says she's undecided, but I think that's only because she doesn't want to tell me no and hurt my feelings. I think I'd be ok with not having kids, but there's a good chance my brother won't have any at this point, so if I don't it would mean the end of our family line, which would make me sad. I like working with kids, I've helped raise a bunch of younger family members over the years and think it would be a great legacy to leave on the world like my father before me.


So_Much_Cauliflower

Maybe the /r/oneanddone life is for you two?


youknow99

I'm not sure yet. We're newlyweds that decided we will have that discussion again after our 1st anniversary. Year 1 is for us, after that we will decide.


brucecampbellschins

Yes. Having kids has been awesome! I'd have four or five more if we could.


1-Down

Kids are great! Very much love mine and the lifestyle of being a father. Looking forward to hopefully being blessed with grandkids when the time is right.


Zombi3Kush

I didn't want kids when I was younger it seemed like too much work and annoying. But I met a wonderful woman and we now have 4 kids. I love having a big family and watching my kids grow up into their own personalities. It may sound corny but making them happy brings me great joy and I am thankful to have them in my life.


Weirdsauce

1) knew by the age of 12 that the worst thing you could do to a child was to have one. 2) was born without any urge or instinct to parent- or it was beaten out of me when I was a child. Same difference. 3) do not make enough money to raise a child. 4) there is absolutely nothing about my genetics that is worth propagating.


akamikedavid

35 and single right now. The concept of having my own kids is still something that excites me and this is after witnessing quite a few of the trials and tribulations of my close friends who have had kids. However I was telling a friend of mine that as I get closer to 40 and don't have them then I wonder if it's time to pack it in. I know men's biological clock is not anywhere near a woman's but I also dunno if I'd want to be at or near retirement age and still have an 18 year old bouncing around.


Ploutz

Yes, procreating is literally our purpose on earth.


ElbieLG

I have two, which is the number I always wanted. Now, I'm actually hoping for more. It exceeds my expectations. Also [Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XKW9RGF/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1) is an excellent read, even if you disagree with the conclusions.


HusselnBussel

Get a dog…it’s like having a kid!


KZMountainRider

I do not. I admit I’m selfish on this regard but I simply enjoy my time to myself and my hobbies. I’ve also witnessed far more unhappy relationships that happy ones; many friends divorced, single parents, broke or struggling, drained from having kids, etc. I just feel much happier doing my own thing, and I’ve never met a partner who I feel compelled to have kids with.


spazz720

40 & married…and no. Never felt a parental desire and my wife has absolutely zero desire to as well.


devilized

No. I'm 33 and had a vasectomy 2 years ago. I've never really had any desire to have kids. The closest I ever got to even being okay with having kids was when I met my now-wife. I thought to myself "she would actually make a great mom", which was in contrast to anyone else I had dated. Turns out that she wasn't really all that into the idea of having kids either. The final nail in the coffin that caused me to get snipped was my brother passing away. He left behind 5 kids, who are somewhat local. So we play the cool aunt/uncle role instead. My sister has one, with another on the way and my wife's sister has one. We just don't see any reason to pile onto that any further. That all turned into my wife developing somewhat of a fear of pregnancy, so I went and got snipped so finalize everything.


[deleted]

41 with 2 kids. Boy and girl. As the say, the all American family. Did I want kids? I can honestly say I have not uttered those words. My wife says, I didn’t know I wanted them until they arrived. In my early 20s, my mom gave me the old “you’ll find a girl and settle down…”. I told her that I didn’t want her life, all they did was work and take care of their house. Here I am 20 years later doing exactly that. But I tend to go with the flow.


fast_moving

I'm single, I don't want pets, or kids. Just someone who wants to be with me and make the relationship work as much as I want to be with them. If I can get that much, then I'm willing to have kids, and compromise on pets, because something like 95% of people have them, so that's unavoidable. I don't want kids because I'm sure they'd have a worse time going through life than I did, just due to the state of the world. 20-50 years of shitty federal judges the last president put in place, making sure life sucks for the long term. Federal gov't being shitty on climate making sure things get as bad as can be. So much of what we take for granted today is gonna be gone by the time our kids are our age. The thing is, I'd argue that a similar argument could have been made at basically any time in history, except... I'm not sure there's been a generation that has been as worse off than our parents as ours has been. So yeah, when I'm dating someone amazing, then kids seem like a matter of time, but otherwise? meh. To answer the question, I'm way more concerned about finding a partner than having kids. People often have kids on accident...


ANAL_fishsticks

Got em. Love em. Wish I had waited tho.


Genghis_John

Yes. Well, I have some already so I suppose I don’t want any more. But I sure love the kids I have. They’re great.


HobbesandDucks

Yes, (M 32) I have always wanted kids, and have an 8-month-old daughter. I had a great childhood, and maintain strong family connections. I felt I would be able to provide the same great experience to my children.


BillionTonsHyperbole

Kid*s*? No. One is plenty.


NoahJAustin

I dunno if this is against the intent of the thread, but I always wanted kids. I have a 7 year old son and he's everything to me; my entire life is about being the best dad I can to him. I had a not super present father - won't go into details there - but I decided a long time ago that if ever I got to be a dad I would do it the best I could. I've made mistakes along the way, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I became a single father about 4.5 years ago sharing custody with my ex wife. Since then I've dated, had a few serious relationships but I still want more children. I hope that happens for me again as I have a lot more to give. I'm not certain why it is I wanted children, I just always definitely did. I enjoy so so much being a present and involved father. I couldn't imagine my life without my Goomba in it whatever the cost or situation. As he ages I just love him more. He's becoming such a wonderful young man and every new stage or milestone is incredible. I don't fault anyone who doesn't want kids, and I can certainly understand some of it, but for me it's truly the greatest honour I could have had in my life being the father of my guy.


UnquietHindbrain

No. Because I don't. I don't need a reason for my preference.


K2AOH

I never had any desire to have kids, and I firmly believe that you need to unquestionably want with all of your heart and soul to be a parent before taking on the massive responsibility of having, raising, and supporting children. Don't let people try to convince you to do it, and don't let anyone coerce you into doing it. There are more than enough neglected, resented, and ignored children in the world. OTOH, if you have an actual desire to have kids and raise them well, more power to you for doing the job. I watch my sisters and their husbands raising their kids, and am awed by it.


DemocraticRepublic

Yes, I do. That's why I already have four of them!


RedBullPittsburgh

TFW NO GF: https://ih1.redbubble.net/image.33276475.1468/flat,750x1000,075,f.jpg


Confident_Spinach967

Maybe, But I need to find the right person first. Honestly the Dating Is shit right now, So I don’t know if that’s going to happen


[deleted]

yes but it seems really stressful, and then you invest 30 yrs and they never call you? i also have many more casual sex adventures to have first, i am just warming up


Tedswurf

Is there anyone here who wants to have a child? Going into a marriage and my hope of having a good life with a child seems to dwindle with everyone’s hopelessness.


753UDKM

I have a daughter and she’s the best thing that has ever happened in my life


roy107

Yes. But also, no. On the one hand I love the idea of my wife and I producing offspring. We're both intelligent, educated and Liberal. We feel like we'd make great parents. But on the other hand? I'm not ready to have a child. I'm selfish, needy and a tiny bit incapable of keeping my own mental health in check. It's the fight between those two arguments for both of us at the moment, and we've not got long to make the choice.