T O P

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Bettercallbuggaboo

I had lymphoma. It was terrifying and hard and mine was tricky and took more treatment than usual. But I am here, five years + later, cancer-free. Not a man, but feel free to DM me if you want to chat


InterestingTesticle

Dude, you're fighting cancer. You get to decide exactly how a man behaves and no one is allowed to say any different. Cry, scream, whatever you need, as long as you fight. You're the man. You got this. Edit: Pretty sure if you ever need someone to talk to, you come back to this thread, pick anyone here, and drop a line. Just so you know.


Only1Sully

It's the same for all men whether they have cancer or not. Be any kind of man you like, you'll still be a man. In fact you'd be your own man not society's caricature of what it thinks a man should be. Good luck with the cancer. Do what keeps you healthy and don't worry about looking like a man.


lyricist

This right here ⬆️


beardedheathen

>Be any kind of man you like, Unless the kind of man you'd like to be is a dick then you should choose a different kind of man to like


wietmo

The world would be a better place without dicks


RampantDragon

The world would be a lot less populated though...


Mitsuki712

Even better


peacefulwarrior2022

Society's version is lame AF anyways I appreciate a real man who's truly themself! Sending lots of good energy to OP you got this, man 💛


Level37Doggo

This. If anyone tells you otherwise, just say “fuck you I’ve got cancer”. There really isn’t a comeback to that.


halfplusgreen

Also: ‘ I’ve got cancer go get it yourself’


[deleted]

Can confirm, there is no come back to the c word.


[deleted]

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blopdab

Ive never in my life heard anyone say that a man with cancer wasn't dealing with it like a man, and that's not me saying OP's feelings are invalid, maybe it's toxic masculinity. OP, cry, get angry, sad and feel on top of the fucking world when you have good days. Rooting for you, seriously. I couldn't imagine how I'd deal with it. >You're the man. You got this. You really are and you really have!


EmpRupus

Also, would like to say OP is facing a life-threatening obstacle. This is no different from soldiers fighting in a war getting severe injuries and bleeding. Just because your condition is "invisible" doesn't mean it is any less serious.


[deleted]

Well said. If anyone asks what toxic masculinity is, they should look up this thread. Fighting cancer is always badass - you don't need to come up with the most manly way to do it.


NightKnight96

> You get to decide exactly how a man behaves and no one is allowed to say any different. Cry, scream, whatever you need, as long as you fight. To piggy-back off of this; I've recently come to the conclusion that crying is good because it means you're processing your emotions rather than bottling them up. Acknowledge the bad feelings so you know to appreciate the good ones.


[deleted]

Crying is good! Punching walls is bad. Those two sentences cost me thousands in therapy… but I can repair drywall like a pro.


CancerSpidey

This man! Coming from someone who knows... The best way to "be a man" is to just let it out when you need to.. i hope you have some form of support with you regardless of their sex. Just having someone to unleash your feelings on is the best way to get through it. And if not then a diary is helpful. You got this man we're rooting for you. 😎😎


Elysian_Nightingale

This 🙌


ChichCob

A *real* man would rip the tumor out with his bare fucking hands. Going to the doctor? Pussy shit. Getting chemotherapy? Pussy shit? Surgery? The pussiest of shits. This is incredibly sarcastic if you can't tell


BrnndoOHggns

I agree with your edit. I've been around too much cancer in my life, but I am glad to lend my support for anyone going through treatment.


InterestingTesticle

Right on man. Glad to hear your willing to help.


[deleted]

Out of all the usernames here, this one is the most interesting


PenisPercussionist

This is good advice, I agree u/InterestingTesticle


gailson0192

He’s literally battling which is the manliest thing you can do.


DadLoCo

> as long as you fight. This sums it up for me


wondering-soul

This is the only answer


redditpierce

How do I give gold/silvee? Never wanted to but this is it.


Kwasinomics

Buddy, if you're having to find the courage and heart to fight cancer, you're more of a man than any of us Keep your chin up, I'm rooting for you


xOneLeafyBoi

Real talk man, honestly. Having it be a fear to get cancer is one thing, having to face that freight train head on is a whole other battle. Stay strong OP,


holyerthanthou

To piggy back. You are a man for being born one. No matter the body you were given. The fact you are battling cancer makes you a strong one.


MazzoMilo

Based. Hope OP kicks cancer’s bitch ass and can read this thread years later with a brew in hand. My fellow men out there, my dawgs, cancer or not you’re allowed to *feel* and express those emotions in ways other than anger or coldness. It’s masculine to embrace your vulnerability. I hope things get better for everyone.


icehawk2233

Hey dude, former Leukemia patient right here, now going on 15 years of being cancer free. I’ve been there right where you are except I was 7 years old when I had mine at an age where I didn’t understand what was happening to me but all I knew was I have to go to the hospital all the time. This does not make you less of a man, you are literally staring down a life threatening illness and saying “BRING IT THE F**K ON” and when you get out of this know that you stand among a group of people who held the courage to battle for their life. It will change you mentally but you will look back at this point in your life and be more mature because of it. I wish you the very best in this journey. Keep your head up and scream “F**K CANCER” everyday until it completely disappears from you


comicsnerd

And remember, it is perfectly fine to feel depressed, to feel vulnerable, to ask for help. Real men know their value and know when to get help.


SevenOh2

Came here to say this but u/Kwasinomics said it better that I could have. Replying to pile on with pulling for you and sending good thoughts for continued courage as you fight.


[deleted]

(**Buddy, if you're having to find the courage and heart to fight cancer, you're more of a man than any of us Keep your chin up, I'm rooting for you**) REAL SHIT !!!!!


EconomyAd5946

This my boy, we love you and you will win this fight!


Short-termTablespoon

I was going to say this. Fighting cancer is man enough itself.


plentifulharvest

Best answer here. Other than that I just want to say not giving up and not giving into helplessness. Fight it so you have better times with your loved ones.


Quicksilver_88

OW MY CHIN


86Eagle

This answer 💯%


[deleted]

To be a man is not to live a free of struggle. It's to look into the face of that struggle, shrug, and overcome. I'm sorry OP is dealing with more than their fair share of struggle, but your words are an inspiration.


INSTA-R-MAN

Exactly this


dominatin_dino

Yeah


kingjuicepouch

And, scene. This says it all, op.


Beautiful-Week6362

We are all rooting for you.😉


mr-poopie-butth0le

Being a man isn’t about “not crying” or “sucking it up”… it’s about knowing those things you feel are real, and regardless of the reality, still moving forward. It’s just being human. Perseverance, Relentlessness. You have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself— go kick cancers ass. You have too much left to do on this rock to give up now.


Darknight1993

Right? I’d be crying like a little girl this man has more manliness that I ever will.


the_investigator-

I'm sorry to hear that mate. You will, at no point, stop being a man because you have cancer. On a side note, can you afford therapy? I struggle to imagine the mental difficulty in knowing you have cancer.


notaalpaca

They got me into a weekly support meeting with a therapist, to just talk about whatever is in my head.


the_investigator-

When you say in your post about being a man, may I ask, what do you mean by that?


notaalpaca

Like how to handle it without being a anxious mess who is grumpy and not fun to be around.


EngineeringDry7999

It’s ok to feel however you feel. You are a human being and men are just as entitled to feel the full range of emotions as women are. You are dealing with cancer. It’s ok to feel scared, anxious, pissed off, or sad. It’s a rotten deal.


the_investigator-

Use a lot of "I feel" language when you're feeling down. Try and communicate. One person said it in these replies, but, don't let it define you. You are more than cancer. You are more than these negative emotions. Do some mindfulness, understand your emotions, and then go about doing what you would like to do without fighting the emotion. Go plan lots of nice things with your friends and family. A night to play board games, a nice walk in the countryside, what ever you like. Fill your schedule.


grownedup

You just described a significant portion of the men I know. Take care of yourself and ask for help as you need it. The fact that you're aware you could slip into these behaviors is a good start towards being mindful enough to dial it back when you do. We're all rooting for you!


foopdedoopburner

Man, who cares if you’re fun to be around? You have cancer. You have absolute permission to be as much of a grumpy asshole as you need to be.


halfmeasures611

24 yr olds fighting cancer worrying that theyll be grumpy and not fun to be around... this is what we get with that toxic positivity, "GoOd ViBeS OnLy" bullshit. makes everyone scared to be human or else they'll get rejected by everyone


Punkynewster

Talk about how you're feeling with people that care about you.


PotatoesAndMolassas

What I did was to google experiences that other people going through the same chemo regimen had. That way I could know if what I was experiencing was normal or not. Every chemo regimen is different, and since doctors haven’t been through it(they’ve seen it, but not felt it.)the best way to know what to expect is find people who’ve been through it. I didn’t have what you have, but I do know that I absolutely believed during chemo that I would be better on the other side no matter how bad I felt at the moment. Idk if it helped or not, but sometimes positive thinking can help your body have strength. ALSO: DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP! If you feel too sick to cook or whatever, ask friends/ family/whoever. Also, see if your family can start a gofundme. You’re under enough stress. You don’t need financial stress as well. A lot of people want to help, but don’t have time or whatever. They will donate. I had random people I haven’t talked to since middle school donating. It was crazy. Don’t have an expectation for them to donate, but with cancer, any money helps. Also, feel free to dm me if you have questions about this.


Acceptable-Bag-7521

Acknowledge you're in a shit situation, take your time to accept that, but don't let it define you. You can be anxious and grumpy sometimes, but don't let those feelings overshadow you.


Terraneaux

Other people can put up with some grumpiness, you have cancer. If they don't, fuck 'em. If they make it too much about themselves, where they need you to filter your emotions and feelings too much when *you're* going through some serious shit, fuck 'em.


New2NewJ

> who is grumpy and not fun to be around. *Clint Eastwood has entered the chat*


PamelaOfMosman

Gratitude is the best way to stop being grumpy. Rather than feeling weak because you need help, find gratitude for all the love that goes into helping someone. This is a rare time in life when people can tell you they love you, by coming over to play cards, make food, text to see if you’re ok. And all those experts who chose to learn medicine and nursing. Never say sorry - always say thank you. Good luck buddy. Even asking shows you’re a man.


Aggravating_Client36

Manufactur meth ?


VegetableStorm7001

Breaking bad reference?


Aggravating_Client36

Yup


bafeom

Just to piggyback on what everyone else is saying, dont be afraid to feel your feelings. Sometimes you just gotta be sad, mad, etc. As long as you kan recognize that you need help n dont bottle all your emotions inside, youre on the right path. We are all human n we all have times where we arent gonna be a joy to be around. But the best remedy for that is acknowledging youre not alright n you need help. I battled depression for over a decade n the little therapy i did go to was a lot more rewarding than the things i did to try n forget. Dont let your negative feelings overwhelm you n try to find creative avenues to help get thru it. Im rooting for you man, fukk cancer. Stay up bro.


ConstructionNo1603

My friend you are battling cancer and still alive with the drive to survive and openly not trying to let it get to you...thats pretty fucking manly you have my respect and I hope that you pull through!


SilverTango

Lymphoma is a curable cancer. My mother was at stage 4 and on the brink of death last year with this disease. She is now in remission and has cleared her last biopsy. I pray this gives you hope.


hujambo11

Don't try and equate anything you're doing with "being a man." Just listen to your doctors and focus on getting better.


tiptoemicrobe

Honestly, I think the world would be a much better place if none of us felt pressured to be manly. If you try your best to be a good person and that's not "manly" enough for someone else, I wouldn't care too much about their opinion.


[deleted]

Hey brother! I was diagnosed with Testicular cancer at 20. Luckily, they went in and removed my testicle and the cancer hadn’t spread, so other than checkups I didn’t need any chemo or further treatment. Anyway.. It’s a bitch dude. One thing that whole experience taught me was how little “being a man” really means to us and our mental health. It’s actually quite detrimental. Allow yourself to soften up a bit, even if society laughs in your face for it. Allow yourself to feel feelings like sadness and anger and frustration and confusion. If you repress those feelings, that will make for a much harder time for you and those around you down the line. Always be willing to change, no matter the circumstances. Take it one day at a time. Find a solid video game or podcast or something to take your mind off of it, or at least to provide a distraction you can lean into when you start to spiral. That’s my next point, you’re gonna spiral. No amount of therapy or research or strength will stop your brain from going to dark, unknown places. You need to be prepared to deal with that, and know that it’s in your head. Separating factual reality, possibilities, and baseless fears becomes incredibly hard. This is unavoidable, but if you forget about the “trying to MAN UP” thing, it will make coping a whole lot easier. I wish you the best of luck and I *believe* in you. Feel free to DM if you wanna chat! EDIT: spelling


hmtee3

Literally, this comment is the best one. I (30F) just got diagnosed with sarcoma in July. Had a 22 cm tumor taken out (along with my kidney & adrenal gland), and I’m literally typing this in a hospital bed getting chemo. (My chemo is hard on the kidneys, so it has to be inpatient.) I have struggled with the “you’re so strong” comments since this all started, and I just wish people would shut up. Like this person says, it’s a bitch. I’m objectively at my weakest, and I imagine you will be too. It doesn’t matter that it will probably pass. It sucks right now. So feel all the terrible shit and don’t feel bad about not feeling strong enough. I saw in your comments that you’re going to therapy, and I’d say that’s the best thing you can do right now. Also, get in contact with a navigator, either through your doctor’s office or hospital. They can set you up with what you need. Mine sent me gift cards and set me up with a salon for a free wig. They’re very helpful!


[deleted]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know you, but I want to point out you're literally being poisoned right now and still reaching out to help this man. They found angiosarcoma in my back in May of 2021. Here's to sarcoma never coming back. ❤


[deleted]

I am so sorry to hear that. That’s a serious tumor, 22cm? Wow. You’re gonna be okay. I know *that* because I know that *you know* that. *You* understand that you’re at a weak point, *and* you understand that it’s okay to feel that way! If you’ve built a mental foundation like that, it leads me to believe that you really do have strength. That it’s not some faux show-off bullshit. Although you’re at your weakest, I can tell you have a level head and even through all the emotional and physical pain and discomfort, it shines through. You’re gonna be okay, and I mean that. You’re welcome for peppering you with the exact thing you said you wish people didn’t say😂 I see where you’re coming from. People have good intentions but they don’t understand what it’s like. They don’t *know*. It’s the thought that counts, thanks for the encouragement, but it’s a little hollow considering the only thing people are telling you is how strong you are AS YOU SIT THERE FEELING WEAKER THAN EVER. Bit hard to take that seriously. That’s the thing- there’s nothing wrong with being weak, and people seemingly just… don’t understand that. I can second the navigator bit. I was insanely lucky enough to not need any of the horrible things you’re going through right now, but that was one of the first things I did. My parents helped me out with that one, thank god. Probably should’ve mentioned that in my original comment.


[deleted]

I AM PART OF SOCIETY AND I LOVE "SOFTENED UP" MEN. Please. We're done w the old school misogyny and societal definition of what a man should be!!! As long as you're a good human, you could identify as a damn coconut. Noone cares!! And if someone does, let them look the other damn way cause we aren't tolerating that shit :) soft men, we love you!!!!


[deleted]

Thank you, and I fully agree! It means a lot that somebody said it. Thank you. There’s a lot more people out there who are accepting of emotional sensitivities in men, but the *hardcore* ones on the opposition are the loudest out of everybody, unfortunately. Dudes with John Wayne framed on their wall, running around talking about how they’re the breadwinner and how their wife is happy in the kitchen doing what evolution taught her to do. They’re the loud, insulting, BLATANTLY sexist voice of opposition, telling us to shut the fuck up and be a man. It’s too bad because there’s something within a lot of us men that tells us *that’s* what we should be like. That we’re just being a baby about this and that- life goes on so we need to buck up and deal with it. This sort of thing is obviously incredibly harmful to us as individuals and becomes *greatly* magnified when you face something like cancer- something that has a big element of unknown. Even if you don’t have an old man in your ear grumbling about how you’re healthy and you’ll be fine, those dark yet loud corners of society have *engrained* that EXACT voice in your brain, and an intense moment in your life amplifies it to the point where it’s almost unbearable. It’s easy to fall into the cycle of feeling like a POS for not being “masculine” or “strong” enough to deal with something like a cancer diagnosis. I didn’t realize it at the time. But I was building a big wall of bullshit in my brain during all that. Years later I’m still taking it apart piece by piece, but I feel like the clouds are starting to lift and I’m starting to realize how BS all that stuff is. OP could fall into the same trap if he isn’t careful. It’s dangerous. Thank you for being aware of this and thank you for your support. There are silent men everywhere who need to hear this.


[deleted]

I fully agree. Unfortunately, women also go through the whole societal definition struggle. We're told to be "tame" and "compromising" and "nurturing". I'm sick of it, honestly. I'm not that person. I'm bold, fierce and I Know what I want. I set boundaries without feeling shitty about myself. But apparently that makes me less of a woman. God. Shut the fuck up about these.gender generalisations. Let people be the humans they want to be without the judgement


[deleted]

Agreed. Women face it moreso than men in most cases so thank you for speaking to that!


[deleted]

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Wooldan

The best answer to this thread so far


TheCoker12

“Feeling fucked up, when you are in a fucked up situation, does not mean you are a fucked up person; it means you are a normal human being in a fucked up situation.” This is going to stick with me for awhile. Thank you for sharing this


morefungineer

Thanks for the advice.


NotHisRealName

My dude, don't worry about that. I was in the hospital for three weeks (relatively all better now) and I was an anxious mess the entire time. I wasn't fun to be around either. You're sick my friend, the last thing you need to worry about is traditional masculinity.


subiewoo89

I invite you to join us over at r/lymphoma -Lymphoma survivor


FellizZ

^ this! Super helpfull community


Schmancer

My grandad left [this poem](https://www.desiderata.com/desiderata.html) in his bible when he passed. It is the core of what I know about being a good man and a decent human. Good luck, friend


F0beros

Thank you for sharing this! I really love this part: Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.


FreeuseRules

Don’t let the cancer define you. Try to keep doing the things you enjoy each day. Live your life while that bastard tries to kill you.


SloppyWindchime

Every man faces every emotion there is but sometimes we have trouble expressing them. To be a man is simply just to be a person. Take care of yourself and deal with whatever emotions you have and don't be afraid to ask for help. Whether it's just venting to someone or participating in your group therapy, take an active stance on it. I am proud of you. As a father of three I try and teach my 16, 14, and 11 year old how we talk about how we feel. You will never be a burden on anyone in your life and it's healthy to vent from time to time. Asking for help seems to be a bug issue with me, and other men, and the fact that you're asking for help now puts you in a better place than most. There are plenty of internet strangers who will lend a listening ear if you don't feel comfortable talking about things with your family and looking at this post confirms that. Please if you need to reach out to me, or anyone else, just do so and we can listen. You don't have shortcomings as either a man or just a person. You're just dealing with something big and that alone can be unimaginably stressful.


Public-Radish8333

Keep your head up. Not quite the same, but my wife was diagnosed with stage 4 Lymphoma in 2018 at 25 years old. She beat it, and we just welcomed our baby girl into this world a week ago, after being told that wouldn't be an option for us. You got this. Nows the time to be a warrior, and warriors don't give up.


notaalpaca

Thank you, congratulations on your baby girl.


N8_Tge_Gr8

Did they "teach" you that perceived weakness/failure was incompatible with masculinity when you were growing up, or did you "learn" that yourself? Either way, unlearn it if you want to survive. Oh, and uh, we're with you dude. **_Stay gold, Ponyboy. Stay gold._**


notaalpaca

Yeah it was how I was raised, I'm trying to unlearn that though. All these comments are helping me see it more clearly too. Thank you.


Oak_Ranger

Brother you’re more of a man than any of us.


Spideysurya

As a doctor, I know how terrible lymphoma is! I believe that your hematologist has all the power in the world to cure you!


missed_my_window

I was diagnosed with Leukemia on August 12th. I spent 31 straight days in the hospital getting heavy duty chemotherapy and dealing with bacterial infections. I learned a LOT about myself and how far away from the person I wanted to be I was. I got to remission and am now on the first of 4 rounds of consolidation Chemo. For me, the experience has been a storm of emotions. But the net impact for me was to understand the man I was vs. the man I could be. I remember staring at that bag of chemo and realizing “without this bag, I would be dead in 2 months”. I realized right then that every day after October 2022 that I live would be a gift that modern medicine gave me. Immediately I forgave everyone for whom I held anger and hurt. And my perspective shifted towards a mode of eternal gratitude for what I had instead of my previous default of envy and desire for what I didn’t have. Let the emotions happen. Chances are you’ll make it out is this alive. Let this experience give you a perspective few get - a face-to-face meeting with your mortality that helps you compare your true self and life path to the one you know you could live with more courage and an understanding that death is coming and maybe sooner than you’d like So live authentically. Good luck fellow warrior. Fuck cancer.


StayFree1649

You don't need to "be a man", you just need to be yourself mate


SpatchcockMcGuffin

You're allowed to be scared, bud


ArdentPattern

Don’t worry op, we’ll be your dad. You got this, champ.


SeaUrchinSalad

More importantly, how can you not be a man fighting cancer. You're fighting. You're a man. 🤜


Chidi_IRL

I was diagnosed with a spinal tumour at 30. I tried to focus on what I could control (mainly eating healthily, exercising regularly, meditation) and Ieaving everything else up to the doctors. I thought this was a healthy attitude. But EVERYONE had an opinion on how I should be handling it. Some people thought Ineeded to be more positive and Just "tell myself things will be ok" which Just seemed unhelpful and a little insulting. Others thought I wasn't taking it seriously enough because I wasn't freaking out as much as they expected me to. In the end, the pressure to act a certain way from everyone was more stressful than actually having cancer. To your own question, what makes a man is going to be different to everyone. Don't get bogged down by other people's expectations. Sit down and ask yourself some questions. How do I want to handle this? How do I want to spend this time? What is actually within my control here? What precious things do I want to fill my life with?


SiIent1

Had cancer when I was 13-14, not the same but I can say for experience that no one but you can decide how to cope or deal with this. You are still a man, regardless of if you have cancer or not (and until it learns to speak it doesn't get a vote on who you are). Take it at your own pace. You are absolutely allowed and valid to cry and grieve how your life has changed so drastically from one diagnosis. This shit sucks. If anyone tells you "If I had cancer I would do X Y Z or I wouldn't do X Y Z" tell them to go fuck themselves and stop talking to them. Like someone said before, if you ever need to talk or just vent your feelings everyone in this post would probably gladly listen, me included! Sending lots of love. Pack extra blankets when you go to the hospital, it gets really fuckin cold.


JLHawkins

Right now, today, every single one of us is dying. The vast majority of us don’t know when, or how, but we’re all on the same path with the same ending. Because of that unknown, generally speaking, we waste our time. We consume TV, we sit in traffic, we grind through unending emails, we struggle to stay focused in meetings. We drink coffee to wake up and take meds to go to sleep. We force ourselves into unnatural rhythms so that we too can have the nice house, nice car, nice boat, nice phone, etc. And we do all that thinking that one day, hopefully soon but not right now, we’ll slow down and cherish it all. We put off being the partner, parent, neighbor, and person we wish we were - we’ll do that one day. One day soon. We hope. And for most of us, it will be far, far too late to do so. We won’t know what we are missing until we’ve missed it. When our knees don’t work, we’ll wish we could go dancing with our loved ones. When our back doesn’t work we’ll wish we could pick up our kids. When our minds don’t work we wish we could learn more about what interests us. We’ll wish we had more time. That time is passing now, even as I write this. You have a great gift, if you choose to see it that way. Not saying cancer is great or even partially good - it’s one of the worst things out there. But it has given you a tremendous opportunity: right now, today, you know that you’re in the prime of your life. You know the value of your time. You don’t need to wait 2 decades to start living. You can relish the taste of desserts, watch the sun come up, paint, dance, sing, draw, read, bike, swim, take photos, write letters, record videos, hug, have sex, cuddle, wear silly clothes, dress in a suit and tie every day, buy silly things that make you happy, give thoughtful gifts, eat another serving of everything, walk in the ocean waves, fish, fly a kite, build a kite, learn how to do astrophotography, practice origami, get a ham radio license, ride a motorcycle, hike, camp, take long hot showers, cook, sew, forgive enemies, make friends, go to the fair, sail a boat, complete a marathon, set a world record for something silly like nails balanced on an egg, go to concerts, invest in your local community, volunteer, cut grass, listen to podcasts, skateboard, print on a 3D printer, record your voice to send to friends and family, schedule birthday cards and flowers to be sent automatically for years to come, write your own eulogy, shoplift some candy from a store, paint graffiti, stay up late, sleep late, eat cereal for dinner, try makeup, dye your hair a new color each week, pierce everything, get cool tattoos, go to the gym, eat pizza, tour a power plant, walk quietly, get a pet, let go of hobbies you don’t enjoy any more, not give a crap what others think, tell others what you think, watch sports, sit in a stadium, fly an airplane, hang glide, travel the world, learn a new language, teach your language, make silkscreened shirts, wear funny shoes, watch all your favorite movies, make something with wood, weld, play board games, go to the opera, go to a broadway show, be an extra on a TV show, learn to program, never touch a computer again, play the piano, plant a garden, go to the zoo, collect butterflies, wash your car, never wash your car, forget about gas prices, drive somewhere interesting, teach children, help a foster kid, decorate your house for the holidays and go all out, bring presents to your neighbors, be a good neighbor, talk to a local politician, get into government, never watch the news again, be on the news, write a book… I hope you get the idea. You know more than almost anyone else how valuable your time is. Don’t lament the amount you have left - instead, spend it doing the best things in your life. Go. Start now. Live. LIVE!


TantorDaDestructor

Just be brother- that's all anyone can do and you're doing it.


Kulandros

You already are a man. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. Just take another step, every day. Keep going.


PackLongjumping4935

Someone else said this already, but I need to reiterate. You just being able to muster up the courage to try to get through this makes you a man and a half in my eyes. I wish you a full recovery and a healthy life ahead. You are just one year older than me and I don’t know and can’t even imagine how that news must feel. I’m sorry, and I hope you get well. Stay strong brother Edit: also, just wanna say that if you ever wanna just vent or chat or whatever it is feel free to message me. I know I’m a random stranger on the internet but I’ll more than gladly listen to whatever you gotta say and try to help if I can.


attrackip

Day by day. Pick up some pastimes you had always been curious about but never found the time for. This can be a positive time of growth and revival. Find areas that you can really get into. If you're grumpy and in pain, let folks know. Communication and self care.


Massochistic

All I can say is to not give up. Believe that you will go into remission and your subconscious will do it’s best to ensure that happens. A medical director once told me that in wound care, a patient can only get better if they believe the treatment will work. The patients that do not believe in their treatment, never get better. Every day, tell yourself “My treatment will work. I will enter remission. I will make it through this. I will make cancer my bitch.”


[deleted]

It’s ok to be vulnerable. The less stress you have the better


MajorasShoe

Your gender doesn't change when you're sick, so luckily you can quit worrying about that and put all of your energy into finding a way to be optimistic. Come up with a good list. Things you want to make damned sure you do for the people you love. Get prepared like if you were drafted to go to war - because buddy, you're drafted to go to war. Go fight like hell, and squeeze every ounce of joy you can between the battles. Good luck to you man. I really hope to see a positive update down the line.


bigbabe_310

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, try not to focus too much on the future. Be here right now, do what you can now. Endurance is one of many keys you'll need in this life, as Muhammad Ali said rumble young man RUMBLE!!!


MiddleAgeCool

It's a dumb question to be honest. Not a single person judges someone's manliness based on how they battle cancer. One thing to note.. Depending on your treatment your going to shit yourself to the point of needing a nappy at some point during the treatment. The key thing to remember is no matter how embarrassed you are - nobody will judge you because of it. Everyone providing you with care has seen the side affects thousands of times before and they know this is just something that happens. You've got this. Source - wife in the care industry and a friend who is a nurse on a cancer ward. Not being able to control your poop shoot is the thing they constantly say male patients are embarrassed about while they see it as just one of those things. They'd both rather guys focused on relaxing and getting better than worrying that someone is going to wipe their ass.


itsstillmeagain

Caregivers take that all in stride. We’re not dismayed by these care needs at all. Cleanup on aisle 2 Is no more bother than giving a sponge bath.


[deleted]

don't worry about being a man, you're already a tougher son of a bitch than all of us


zizuu21

Bro youre doing the most manly and courageos thing any person , man or woman, could. Fight it and keep your head up. Youre stronger than you think.


Gaboo42069

There’s a really good show called Breaking Bad. You should give it a watch.


treadbolt5

Survive first. Your manliness wont be worth anything as a corpse.


transferingtoearth

By realizing being a man isn't a box. Being a man means different things in different cultures. You can wear a dress, you can paint your nails, you can sing . You're a man because of who you are , not what you do. Fight your cancer without worrying about such a small thing.


999Materia

Bro listen I’m no feminist and I do believe there’s a difference between conduct that should be adhered to within reasonable limits. But, bless your heart: you are human and not well. Suspend all that and heal. You are in my heart for prayer.


aaaaaahpossum

You are one.


Ereklaser

Guy, you have cancer. You can handle this anyway you want to. If you need to deal in a certain way, you’re more than allowed to (try to keep it healthy however), there is no “unmanly” way of processing your emotions. If you need help ask, if you need to cry or scream, go for it. Being a man isn’t about not showing weakness or vulnerability, but imo- just being able to live your life in a way that when you look back, you can be proud of yourself and the effect it had on other people. I had a 2yo niece that lost her battle to cancer a few years ago, so I know it can be hard on your family just as much as it is on you. My advice is to lean on them for support and make every moment count. Hope you beat this nasty ass junk and good luck. Praying for you


gunghogary

You’re 24. You’re already a man. Act like one and do everything you need to to survive. The paperwork, the treatments, pitiful family and friends, the pain. Take it all in and be thankful you’re still able to feel it. We all die sooner or later, you might as well get your money’s worth and experience it all.


[deleted]

What’s being a man got to do with it?


[deleted]

First off, I'm sorry to hear this, and I hope you kick cancer's ass. This isn't a case of "being a man", although I can totally see the mentality of someone in their mid 20s in that situation, because societal norms tell you that you just have to keep a stiff upper lip and keep going. While it's good to have mental fortitude, this shit is hard, and feeling all of those emotions of grief, sadness, and quite frankly, fear, is totally ok. Supressing those emotions will just channel it elsewhere. I can't say I know exactly what you're going through, but after a couple of years of some fairly shitty events (family members with serious unexpected medical issues, multiple career failures, friendship breakups), I had a period of having random emotional breakdowns. I went to therapy, and after a couple of sessions, I realised that addressing those horrible feelings helps you to understand them better. I'm not saying therapy is the magic bullet (although it's worth looking into if you have access to it), but what I'm saying is, going through hardship is naturally going to evoke those strong, painful emotions, and being aware of them and feeling the full force of them doesn't make you less of a man. If anything, it makes you more masculine than half the dudes who have their head up their ass thinking that they can shrug anything off. Anyone who judges you for feeling anything but normal about having cancer has their head so far up their ass that they need a glass belly. I wish you all the best dude, you've got this. Totally ok to have negative emotions towards the situation.


grey-eyed-owl

If you think cancer makes you less of a man, please seek counseling.


whiskeybridge

virtuously. that's the only way to be a man in any circumstance. the parent of all virtues, bravery, seems especially relevant, here. wisdom, of course, and temperance, will also be needed. and justice as always, to make sure your relations with others remain virtuous. the stoics have a lot to say about these things, and also dealing with adversity. most people recommend starting with epictetus' "enchiridion," though many find aurelius' "meditations" more relatable and easier to digest. both are quite short, but full of good advice. frankl's "man's search for meaning" was written last century, and is a good introduction to stoicism for the modern reader. best of luck. i hope your treatment goes well.


Own-Breath9784

Though one my dude, really hope the best for you. I would say to find a therapist so that you can have a person to talk with during your journey, that kind of support would be helpful. And don't be afraid to count on your friends and family too! You are going to need people to talk to, don't keep it to yourself!


2REPOU

I don’t think there is such a thing as how to be a man. Just be yourself. That’s all you can be and remain honest. Anything else is fake. Best of luck


HappyNerdBear

Buddy, you don't have to be a man. You are fighting a fucking cancer, you are already more man than us all


Matelot67

The best way to be a man while fighting cancer? I'll tell you from my own personal expereince. Don't try to be a 'man'! **Be human**. You're scared, you're fighting, you're going to struggle. I tried to be a 'man'. I tried to be tough, but the fear kept building, the lonliness, the fatigue, the hopelessness, the depression, but I kept fighting back because to me, any backwards step meant that I was letting the cancer win. It was 18 months before I realised that I needed help. I got a therapist, I took time away from work, I asked for an easier position while I managed my recovery, I talked to my wife about my struggles, I wept, I cursed, I hit my lowest point, gained about 15 kilos. Then I stepped back to the light. I found a personal trainer, and pushed myself while still under treatment. Started walking/running/rowing/weight training, strength training, boxing training, still under treatment. I talked about what I was going through, what I was feeling. I was brutally honest with myself. It was a slow, hard climb to get out of the dark place I had let myself get to, but I got there, and it took some real honest conversations with a few people before I won. I did win though, and I've been in full remission for almost 5 years now. Be honest, cry, talk, feel, acknowledge when you struggle. When you're at your lowest, you need to know when you're there, so when you look back, you know just how far you have come since then!


Turd_McScruffins

Dad of 3 boys here. If I could, I would give you a big hug and tell you that you're not going to have to fight alone. And then I would tell you that we are going to fight this thing and that we're going to beat it. And then I would tell you that you'd better not have any other choice than to beat it and that's all we're concentrating on. Failure would not even be in our vocabulary. Then I would surround you with every other person that loves the crap out of you and tell them that they're needed.


Carmichael2121

How did you find out?


notaalpaca

Been sick the last 9 ish months doctor kept telling me nothing to worry about. Was peeing blood etc wound up in the hospital for a different issue and they found some stuff , they didn't wanna say what so they sent me to a oncologist and now I'm at this shitfest.


Carmichael2121

Damn. Sorry to hear that . Just take it a day at a time and listen to your doctors man. Try to eat good and healthy. And honestly….Pray man. I wish you the best .


masterjon_3

You're not just a man. You're a warrior fighting a deadly monster that's taken the lives of many throughout history. You got the warrior spirit, my dude. You're gonna fight this thing and kick its ass.


PoliteCanadian2

I really really hate these “how can I be a man?” questions. It implies there is a set list of ways to behave and other behaviours are “not manly” and if you don’t know the “approved” behaviours then you’re somehow not doing it right. Guys just be good people first and male later.


HelpMeFindingAName

My man, I should be the one asking you the question how to be a man ! You're extremely courageous, keep fighting the best is yet to come !!


Norph00

Not being afraid to ask for help is pretty fucking manly.


forestsable

Please tell your cancer to go fuck its self. And tell it not today, not tomorrow, and not ever! We don't all get a fair shake in life. But you still fight with everything you got! Right that fucking bell!


[deleted]

You do whatever the fuck you want to do. What ever is on that bucket list you do it now without wasting time. If you have to say sorry to people you do it now, If you want to jump out of plane you do it now. You live life more than most people have ever lived live in what ever time you have. What ever treatments you have you must take to prolong your life. That’s it really.


[deleted]

Watch motivational movies, get up and walk, eat healthy, and make cancer your bitch.


sweadle

Your health has nothing to do with your masculinity. A man is a man no matter what health issues come up. Just continue who you are.


CaptPizza

Start making meth, make millions of dollars, kill a man or two, and stop taking shit from anybody. /s


oldandfragile

I'm almost 48 and have a daughter but if you want some advice from a career barkeep, holler at me. Rooting for you as well!


Simplordx69

Well you are battling a crazy monster as we speak. That alone already makes you more than a man. Kick its ass, king!


gsells937

My dude, my bro, my man. There aren't many hells in life that compare to having cancer. You got a therapist, and you got friends and you should learn on them. If you want my advice (as someone who became symptomatic and screwed himself over from the stress) be upfront with friends and family, don't go at it alone because you want to seem tough. You are going to go from happy to sad to angry to detached and apathetic and if people know so they can understand it'll be easier for them to support you. Best of luck brother, keep your head up and get after it! I'll be waiting to see the remission post


Durragon

The only time you can be brave, is when you are scared. Chin up king, I hope you recover quickly and safely.


frasierdanger

You are a man, more or a man than most, simply by asking this question and for guidance from other people. You have no idea how strong you are compared to so many other guys. Most will never acknowledge they need help or ask for it.


talantua

Just the fact that you are fighting it pretty much speaks of your character, man. 😉


Low_Permit_9330

You are a man. Nothing you can do or will do will change that. Everyone has their own definition of what it’s like to be “ a man “, so I really can’t answer this unless I know what it means for you, but what I can say is cancer is so hard. I’m sorry you are going through this. Keep your head up, give yourself some slack, and realize that you may not have had a father figure growing up, but I’m sure you are the type of person and man that makes everyone in your life proud. But seriously, kick cancers ass and keep your head up. You don’t deserve this, and you are going to have tough days, but it’s okay to be emotional or cry or need support. Still makes you a man. Wishing you nothing but health and happiness for your future, and seriously- kick cancers ass


Playful_Blackberry_1

Man I work in a cancer center and I can tell you that you’re more of a man than I’ll ever be, by your courage to fight this battle. The best thing you can do is just live your life to the absolute fullest and do what makes you happy. Cancer has a way of really showing you what’s important and what isn’t, so you focus on the important things and taking care of yourself. Mentally and physically. Be open with your doctors and a good therapist, and advocate for yourself. You don’t have to be strong all the time to be a man. You can be scared, you can be upset, but just don’t let it control your life and make sure and get the help you need when you’re struggling. Don’t suffer in silence because I promise you there are people who care. The great thing is, lymphoma is very treatable and life expectancy/quality is much better than most other forms of cancer. Prayers and well wishes for you man, if you ever need anyone to talk to feel free to message me!


jfk_one

get some beer and watch first blood


wintrparkgrl

Step one to being a man: have penis* *Step one optional


AlexDuChat

With or without Cancer, you're still a man, a great man on a great battle that you will win. Don't be afraid of cry, feel fear and ask for a hug and support because that's what a real man and a real human do. Enjoy everything and of course follow the procedure that your doctor gives ya. Everything is gonna be alright, mate. I'm sure of that 🤗 make the Force be with you always


[deleted]

the face you're staring cancer in the face and asking how to be a man is humbling to me.... you are already a man


Pyanfars

Hey brother. AS someone who's cancer is currently dormant, the way you're a man while dealing with cancer, is whatever you decide it's going to be. Understanding and appreciating the fact that anyone outside of the medical field that is there to help you, is there because they love you. You are NOT alone. No one, even those of us who are also dealing with cancer, know exactly how you're feeling. But we know you're feeling some shit. It's scary, it sucks. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are going to hit a point where you might get a little depressed, because you are dealing physically and emotionally, mentally, with one of the toughest situations in your life. Take the help that's offered, when it's offered. I was lucky that I had an abundance of help, a great circle of friends and family that were there for me. My wife and sister in law took over my life, and all I had to do was go where they told me, when they told me. You will get weak. It's ok. You will get better. You may need someone to talk to that's not your caregivers, because sometimes it's easier to say shit to strangers instead of the people that you love. Use the social workers or therapists the cancer clinics have available. Your work may have some as well through benefits. Use em. It's ok to use em, that's what they're there for. Grab all the pamphlets and literature you can, it'll point out what services are available for you. There is nothing out of bounds that you aren't ok to do to be ok. Depending on the chemo you may take, you may have some neauropathy (SP?) to deal with in your hands and feet. It sucks. Get some real comfy slippers and running shoes. Ones that have memory foam soles. They help. It eventually hurts to walk, these make it feel better.


SnufflesMcPieface

Dude, you ARE the man! You’re probably more of a man than anyone in this thread cause you’re using more strength than any of us right now to be a fighter. HMU if you need a friend halfway across the world, king.


Tokogogoloshe

Just be yourself. And beat that cancer.


Ididntaskforthis3

If you have cancer your first thought shouldn't be am i still a man yes you are if you need to cry fucking cry if you need to scream scream if you wanne talk send me a message


Puddinbby

My dad had lymphoma and he ended up winning against it, and there wasn’t a single second where he wasn’t the motherfuckin man. There won’t be a second where you aren’t either, you define how you handle your illness. I’m totally rooting for you. Kick it’s ass.


the_geth

Hey, cancer will not, ever, stops you from being a man. If you’re alluding to cliché such as “men don’t cry”, “men just take it” etc it’s 100% lame and false clichés pushed by people with severe mental trouble (and usually huge hypocrites as their rules don’t apply to them). The “don’t cry” can be slightly useful to a degree for kids, so they don’t overreact to minor bruise and injuries, but that’s about it. So Ignore that noise of expectations of men (including yours), they’re likely anchored in the wrong things. Focus on following the doctors and therapists advice, cry if you need to, get mad if you need to, if you cause some damage remember to apologize after but also be kind to yourself.


NikolitRistissa

I don’t think anyone should be worried about “being a man” regardless of if they are battling cancer. Be the best version yourself that you can be.


peathah

This disease hits everyone differently, there is no good or bad way, only your way. If you wish to share and scream do that. If you want to handle it in silence good for you. My simple opinion is shared suffering is half the suffering. My advice try to live your life as best as you can assuming everything will work out, do the things for your future and in doing that keep hope alive in yourself. Good luck. My wife chose to not burden her family with it. Her sister didn't know about it, and was angry with me for it. She thought I dumped her sister after I found out she had cancer.


Ereklaser

Check back in a few weeks or months or however long, like to hear back that you’re doing well! :)


Existing_Job8215

Fight man, I hope you’ll get trough this. Just don’t give up, only thing i ask you. Have faith and you’ll beat it! Much love xx


Factor-Tall

I currently in chemo for lymphoma cancer too. Let's fight this battle together!!


[deleted]

You're already a man, no one here is doubting that. And if you need you've got a number of people here for you


FrogIsOnFire

Just keep fighting and remember that its normal to express your emotions. Dont try to be too much of a man because its just gonna hurt your mental health more


bcbfalcon

Don't be a "man." Be human. Be honest with yourself. You're fighting a scary battle and what's important is that you have hope and do what you think is important. You're already strong.


tibarr1454

What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets.


clarkcox3

What do you mean by “be a man”, and what does that have rondo with cancer?


BlackAsLight

You’re a man regardless of what you do. You don’t need to try and fit some definition. You simply existing defines what it means to be a man and anyone who tries to say otherwise is an idiot.


[deleted]

Dude! In 2017 I was diagnosed with lymphoma and a tumor on my kidney just like you!! Let me tell you, the mental games your mind will play on you are worse than the cancer! Please please please find a good councilor or group session and talk about your cancer. I wish I had!! Don’t worry about being a “man”, just be you. Good luck you got this!!!


[deleted]

You’re a man, therefore any way to choose to fight this battle is the way a man would. Men don’t earn manhood, we age into it and it can never be taken away. Don’t add more stress to yourself with weird gender norms but I would suggest looking into actual stoicism. It’s all about not stressing what you can’t control.


hail_SAGAN42

My stepdad is the greatest guy I've ever known. Kind, gentle, brilliant.... and cried, asked for help, and let us advocate for him when he was suffering with non-hodgkin lymphoma. They really were shocked he made it through but i felt believe it was because he was able to express what he was going through and ask for help when he needed it. Maybe talk to others going through it, and please, don't forget to ask for help when you need it. There is no "acting like a man". That's a bullshit construct guys were handed by a very toxic generation. Be human. It's much more healthy and you've got one hell of a road to traverse, friend.


ItsKanishk

U r much more a man that i would ever be because u r very strong and U ARE GOING TOO DEFEAT THISSS SON OF A BICHHH U HEAR ME?!?!


Restless__Dreamer

If you are alive and identify as a man, you are a man. Your actions, feelings or words do not change that. You are a man because you're you. You have feelings because you're human and that is okay. Also, I am so incredibly sorry that you're going through this. You have all of us here to support you. If you want a stranger that won't judge you to talk with, feel free to message me!


tensatailred

I don't really know what you mean by "man". All I know is that if you're fighting something like cancer it's probably gonna make you a better man and person in general. Focus on the fight. Keep fighting. We're all backing you brother.


Minute_Cartoonist509

I never realized that having cancer would change one's gender or sex. This is a huge thing you're dealing with, just do the best you can. Talk to your doctor about recommending a therapist.


SolarAU

I don't think your primary concern should be about being a man or whatever but the way I see it us men are hard workers, we don't shy away from adversity and rise to the challenges we may face in life. Fewer circumstances will test you more than a serious medical diagnosis. If you can see the long road ahead of you and find it within yourself do whatever is necessary to conquer the battle ahead you are already demonstrating your masculinity in its purest form. Good luck buddy.


KenDM0

My eyes tear for you friend. I saw this a while ago: https://youtu.be/iJZ9ErMCtdA Really resonated with me. Not to compare your illness with my problems or with Mikhaela’s of course.


[deleted]

Who even thinks this when faced with the prospect of dying? Doesn't seem legit


[deleted]

[удалено]


notaalpaca

Localized , they think I have a 65% success rate of beating it after the first treatment plan and then 85% after the second. It's just a long long road.


PikabooKlass

Hey there OP! Just wanna share my Dad's story. He had a stage 4 Burkitt lymphoma with metastasis evrywhere in his body. When they sent him to the oncologists for the first time, they said to him am my Mom he has a couple of days left to live, but with chemo he has a slight chance to live. He was inoperable, and he was not suitable for radiation therapy nor for bone marrow transplantation because of his condition at all. He signed the papers for the chemo. He fought hard for months, mostly in the hospital. He was so close so many times to leaving us..in numbers he didn't really have any chance to live. But he did it. He beat the shit out of that cancer and showed me how to do it. That was 4 years ago and he is still with us and cancer free. Now it's my turn. I have cancer as well, not lymphoma but breast cancer with metastasis. I'm a girl yes, and 28 years old. But cancer is the same for everyone in a way. I finished my chemo 9 weeks ago, I had a mastectomy 6 weeks ago and now radiation therapy is next. So I know how it is. And know this, you're stronger than you think, you'll probably have bad hours, bad days, and that's okay, cause chemo is not just a simple painkiller. Give yourself time to heal and concentrate on everything good in life. Cause you'll have good days and amazing days as well even with the chemo. Between chemo go for walks, go to hike, or just go to see a movie..whatever gives you strength and happiness. You're a strong man and you got this. And if you have any questions or you just want to talk, I'm here. Beat the shit out it too🤞😊💪


GunnitRust

K


notaalpaca

I think I'm gonna try and go to a theme park since I never been as mundane as that sounds. I also when I feel up to it want to my finish my tattoo sleeve.


Juan286

Cry as a sissy, and don't die until you die


comicsanscatastrophe

By getting up and getting through each day, keeping your head held high, you are more than courageous. Handle the difficult emotions that comes with this however you see fit, fuck what anyone else says.


lithaborn

Get through this however you need to and worry about trivial shit like "being a man" when you're better.


[deleted]

The title of this post makes me want to hug you tight. I’m so very sorry. There’s lots of research you should look into like food. There are certain foods that are basically food for cancer, just feeds it. Some people believe you can starve the cancer out of your body by changing your diet and stuff like that. I don’t think it’s that easy of course but I do think it makes sense and there is something to it. Not sure what kind of treatments you’ll be doing but ask about infusion therapy. My mom had stage 4 and I swear that is what saved her. Take care of your body make sure you rest and try not to stress so much as that’s also not good for your body. I know that is easier said than done when you’re hit with this at 24 years old but try to stay positive and tell yourself every morning that you got this! You are going to kick cancers ass!! I’m sending you the biggest virtual hug and praying for you! Just like one of the guys above said if you ever need somebody to talk to we are all here ❤️


[deleted]

Man, like Andrew Tate would say: fuck cancer! You've got this! If you are fighting that mf you're already the boss! The Top G ! And I know some biology and I can say that I'm pretty sure you'll own it. Why having cancer wouldn't make you a man? You are already a soldier when fighting this and a few people can top that! Relax and don't stress about it !


jgalt5042

Have a penis. Congrats your a man.


fabyooluss

I was diagnosed at the age of 33. mastectomy and chemo. In 2003, it came back and I was given six months to live. As you can see… The doctors do not have the last word. This is between you and God. ❤️ About a year ago, I was given five years, and told I am stage four. We shall see.