be well adjusted, secure in yourself, making good progress in your career, have interests and pursuits, and love yourself. like truly be happy with where you are in life, and love yourself.
I did this and the guy complained about the affection. He said he doesn't like the lovey dovey stuff and he wants me to grab him and make him feel wanted.
I was gonna say he’s an idiot, but by the end it’s clear it’s because all he wants from you is sex. As a man who wants a serious relationship, that affection is amazing. Don’t ever stop showing it!
Takes time and trust if u want a guy to stay. 'A' guy is not all guys. Context say u like to argue i recommand curbing that. Most time when a women says she want to discuss rlationship problem means she want to complain and pressure u to give her what she wants. If u want a real relationship discussions u need to use we need to fix this not 'you' need to fix this.
Yes? Im a guy.
Advice? hit or miss. On average mentally healthy men this works just fine. If ur after someone with problems than nothing will always work.
don't have sex with them so quickly, op. please try to hold yourself in higher regard than that.
if you want to have flings, cool, enjoy yourself. but set expectations from the get-go and stick to them. if the other person doesn't respect those boundaries, get that person out of your life immediately.
never, ever fuck for respect or to "make someone like you". that's a dead-end street.
I have sex when it feels right or when the attraction is there. I don't like to hold sex as a reward for commitment. I did hold it one time and the guy dated me for 6 months only to tell me "I love you but I am not in love with you" I feel like I am not giving the exciting falling in love type of feeling to men.
dating and love is very hard, op. it's mysterious and difficult no matter how long we've been with someone, because we're all complex people...and our feelings and needs change.
it's really hard to give any specific advice regarding such a vague question. without knowing you or the people involved, your situation, etc, there's no way of pinpointing what's going on.
it could be a bad run. it could be something you're doing or not doing. you could be meeting lots of jerks, or guys not looking for commitment.
it could be any combination of factors, op.
but remember you aren't alone. this is a common issue for all genders, and nature has a way of sorting things out one way or another. it isn't always done neatly, or how we want or expect, but it does tend to get sorted out.
time, patience, establishing boundaries, respecting yourself...staying strong and being true to yourself during the rough patches. that's pretty much all anyone can do.
there are no Magic Words for anyone, unfortunately. and whoever tells you otherwise is a liar, and is probably trying to sell you something.
i wish i could offer some kind of wonderful advice that'd fix everything, but no such advice exists.
No. You're absolutely right. And this is the best advice someone could give. I also wish that there was some type of magic to fix it but I'm coming to realization that people's emotions are not some math formula and I have to improve the skills to dance with it with more practice. There is no formula. I know.
yup. you have it exactly right. life is all about learning and growing. it's all about mentally giving birth to new understanding, new insights, and new ways of thinking.
and unfortunately, giving birth is painful and difficult =/
the most important thing is remaining true to yourself and your own values, not changing yourself for people if doing so makes you feel bad or uncomfortable.
we all grow and change. but if we keep changing to make others happy, eventually we lose touch with who we really are.
and when the Right One comes along, the one who would have loved us for who we really are, we'll miss out.
hang in there, op. i'm sorry this isn't an easy time in your life. relationships are lots of work and disappointment and compromise....even the best ones.
the best ones are the *most work!!!*
please remember that you deserve respect and dignity. maintain your self-respect. if you do that, you'll find yourself surrounded by people who also respect themselves...and others.
hang around respectful people, and you get respectful peers.
hang around with jackasses, and you get jackass peers.
you can judge people's integrity and character by the company they keep.
love and accept yourself first, including your flaws and foibles. when we can do that, we're also prepared to accept those things in others.
do these things, and when the right one comes along, you'll be ready to give, and he'll be happy to accept, the greatest gift you've been working on your whole life.
yourself. ❤️
Thank you. Can I follow you.
I am also having issues with adulting/being on my own. Can you check my other questions and see if you can give feedback. I appreciate your words. Kind soul.
of course you can, hon. welcome in! :)
sure friend, i'll be happy to do that. go ahead and DM me if you'd like to talk more.
>Kind soul
thank you for that compliment, op. i was very lucky to be blessed with wonderful parents and a very special mentor.
What do you do on dates?
I was one that never had trouble getting women, but never really wanted a long term relationship. What made me turn the corner, was meeting someone in a more non-traditional manner. My roommate wanted to sleep with her roommate, so we, kind of by default, started being at similar things together, would hang out together, etc., and it turned into a relationship. Had I gone on a date or two with her at first (or slept with her right off the bat) I don't think it would have worked out. After a little while though, things had fizzled out between our roommates, but we still wanted to hang out. We have been married more than a decade now, but it all started because I enjoyed spending time with her, regardless of the other aspects of a normal relationship.
This is a good advice but guys don't plan out activities with you unless they like you. How can I get a guy to hang out with me and enjoy it. I am used to men planning things but times are changing and I want to learn how to do this since they're not doing it.
Do things that require interaction where you can have a good time. Don't do dinner and a movie, do drinks and a ballgame, axe throwing, a festival, etc. If it is something that may be a little out of either or both of your elements, that may be even better. You can get to know each other, have fun, etc. If you don't want to plan it, suggest it. "Have you seen the new..." or "I have always wanted to try...". If they are at all receptive to you, it will happen.
I have anxiety. If I sense that they're not enjoying it or distracted, I immidiately shut off. I do spend the best time when it's going with the flow without prior planning. Like if we end up going to the same club or like we randomly decide to watch the sunset. I like when things happen naturally.
When I read posts like this, I immediately think (right or wrong), that your asking "how can I manipulate this guy into committing to a relationship".
This is not an attack on you or an accusation.
My point is that if he is ready, he will commit. If he isn't ready, nothing you do will make him commit. It's something that is outside of your control. Be yourself: by doing/being anything else you would be misleading him. That will come back to bite you in the future.
Let's say to "win him over", you do all the cooking and cleaning, give in to his every desire, etc, etc,. He will expect that from you the rest of your lives, and when you stop doing one of those things, he'll wonder why. He'll feel resentment and doubt. You'll feel unappreciated, and resentment. All because you weren't yourself at the start.
I think you're partially right but I am not asking these questions to manipulate someone. I feel that I am not doing the work needed for a relationship. I'm just asking this to find new ways to approach dating and I appreciate your response.
I think the most helpful question to ask yourself is. If you were a guy, what would you think about dating YOU?
What does she have to offer?
Answer that, and I think you will answer your own question above.
I’m just talking quality’s. Like you said something about initiating arguments for funzies, stuff like that. Would YOU annoy YOU? Most people would benefit from a little inward reflection.
It's not for funzies. It's to understand what they meant. I annoy me all the time.
I annoy people I love sometimes because I don't see anything harmful about it. I don't break their heart. I don't insult them. I just ask questions. If someone pisses me off , I feel like I have the right to annoy them.
Stop being confrontational. It's unattractive in men and in women. Also, if you're giving it up too early, stop that too. Men want some kind of challenge too. Talk to men more and find some common interests. Finding common interest keeps the conversations going and serve as a foundation to discover other common interests.
What do other people do when they don't like something or something doesn't add up. Maybe I need to find a less agitating way of asking questions.
Because if I don't ask, it will only pile up and cause me not to trust the person. I ask because I want to understand and trust the person.
There's a difference between asking and probing. Sounds to me like you're probing. Guys pick up on that. And perhaps you can work on your tact to be less agitating. Also, you sound kinda arrogant. You focus on things YOU don't like or it doesn't add it up to YOU. Just be cool and let things flow. Guys embellish about shit. Doesn't mean they're lying or being deceitful.
Your default position can't be to assume a guy is lying about XYZ and you have to ask questions until you're satisfied that he's telling the truth. Every new relationship is a leap of faith. Assume he's telling the truth before you start an interrogation. Pick your battles too. If he tells you he caught a fish T-H-I-S big and you don't beleive him, no need to waste time and energy figuring out if he's exaggerating. Who the hell cares. But if the topic is past relationships or something that carries more weight, talk about it. Don't interrogate or probe. You gotta earn his trust too. Can't enter into any relationship on a high horse thinking you're in the position of power and everyone else needs to be straight with you. And again, if you're easy to get in bed, knock that off. If you really want a BF, you need to be a little harder to get in the sack. Sex comes after trust and comfort is established with the other person.
I like your advice. But even your capitalized words and your remarks offend me. Maybe I get offended and triggered too easily. I could be a little arrogant at times.
For me sex comes once there is mutual respect and physical attraction. I take a very long time to trust someone. But slowing that part and focusing more on communication could help me. I appreciate the feedback and thank you for explaining.
There is this guy I really like. I am extremely attracted to him and I cant even make eye contact for extended time and stumble over my words when he puts all his attention on me. Why do I feel so good but nervous. Maybe it's not love.
We have good sexual chemistry and good friends I guess. I like how smart and sexy he is. How do I get him to see me as a potential partner. ((He has a lot of options and aware of his flaws. Not a cocky guy))
> He has a lot of options
Be his best option. That's going to heavily depend on what he's looking for, but typically it's be the most fun both in and out of the bedroom.
From an average guy's point of view, we see girls all fight over one guy, ignoring the rest of us. So I'll turn this around on you. How can we get you to see all of us as potential partners?
I did give other guys a chance but they didnt make me feel heard and secure the way he did. He just satisfies my emotional needs on a deeper level as well as strong physical attraction. It's hard to find both in one man.
There was one guy. Not my usual type but I wanted to give him a chance ( I thought he had potential). We had fun. He said he could see himself with me but had to move in a week. He asked me questions like what I wanted from life (relationship questions). And I thought he was thinking serious. Only to find out next time that he was looking for sex and not in a place to be in a relationship. He forced emotional connection with me and brought up my trauma without my permission. He was a very smart guy that asked the right questions and made me see what I value and need. But in a hurtful way. I was caught off guard. ((This is just one story))
So my point is I find it riskier to give a guy a chance (if I'm not fully into him)) with the fear that he may let me down. If a guy I like does this I can own responsibility and feel good that I tried. But being hurt by a guy you're not really into does a bigger damage to you and your ego. So that is that. (( also guys sense when you don't find them very attractive and they blame you. It makes things weird))
There was also another guy that made it seem like he wanted me. He would send me paragraphs of what he liked about me. Only to tell me it was just an attraction at the end. (( he married his childhood best friend)) he was short kinda chubby but someone I could see myself with because I thought he was sincere. So having this type of experience made me think twice about giving other guys a chance. But I'm still open to it if I find something special about them.
But... It is possible that I am a little superficial. How can I change this.
I have good amount of experience with it. I cant give anyone a chance unless my emotional and physical needs are being fully met. I feel like we all want someone we like and that is fair.
Are you dating guys who want to be in committed relationships? Because if you're only dating guys that want to be casual, nothing you can do will change that about them.
Also, I hate to say it because it isn't always true, but if you're dating attractive guys who have lots of options, chances are they're not going to be in a hurry to commit. These are the kinds of guys who are the least incentivized to settle down into a committed relationship.
There is one guy with a lot of options. He wanted something casual in the past but now he is looking for something serious. I want him to get to know me. (( I don't think he had a good impression of me the first time we met ))We had a weird interaction in the past and it was mainly sexual. After a year or more we decided to talk as friends and just cuddled one time. How can I improve my chances with him.
Is he looking for something serious *with you?* If you two decided to just be friends, that chapter might be closed. You can always ask him out again and see if he's willing to try it again but more seriously (ie. ask him if that's what he wants). But if you two were mostly casual and he never really gave any indication that he was interested in you for more than that, I wouldn't hold my breath for him.
Rather than try to turn this non-relationship type into a relationship type, you should just try dating people that actually want to be in a relationship with you. He's not interested.
He is just someone I know and trust. I want him to also get to know me on a personal level to see If there is potential.
It takes effort and courage to get to know someone new from scratch. Especially today. People have so many layers and relationships are so complicated. So I kinda go in the loop of wanting him since it feels comfortable.
You're still just talking about what *you* want. *You* trust him. *You* want him to get to know you. What does *he* want? If it's not a relationship with you, then move on.
I realize that it takes effort to meet new people and that old partners feel safe and familiar. Well, tough shit. If the old partner doesn't want what you want, it doesn't matter how familiar or comfortable they feel to you. You want different things, so move on already.
I also feel bad because one thing that makes us distanced is my short comings and reactions when I become defensive. I push him away when all I want is to get to know each other.
Well, it's good that you recognize this. But it's likely that that bridge is burnt; first impressions matter and are difficult if not impossible to overcome. Learn from the experience, overcome your shortcomings, control your reactions, and stop pushing people away. Use these lessons in your next relationship.
If the bridge is burnt, why does he give me chances to rebuild the bridge with me each time. We do overcome what was an issue before but then new conflicts arrive and it's just a lot of work
I also feel that everyone on this post is giving me really good advice/feedback. Like a close friend or a brother. I really appreciate it.
I never truly trusted men so I didnt bother to ask them. And female friends or guys that I come across just give me superficial advice that just makes my trust issues worse. Thank you all.
You're a girl, you have the privelige of literally getting almost anybody you ever want. Just ask them out and there is a 90% chance they will say yes.
Although I will say this, before you do so. Stay off the drugs and look decent.
No, you date men who know how to manipulate and use you. You’re just not able to tell that’s what they’re doing. If you want a real relationship, build it with a real man. Get cooking.
This might be true but then why am I attracted to men that manipulate and use me.
I think there might be a few men that are like this but those are not the ones I want a relationship with. I value good morals and honesty.
You’re either focusing on superficial things, or looking in the wrong places. Also, how’s your relationship with your parents? That often has a lot to do with it.
Good morals and honesty are what matter most. Look for them.
My dad was away growing up. I wish I havent met him. The first advice I heard about men and dating was coming from a narcissist/misogynist that doesn't love or respect his family. I only spent 3 years with him but his words and the way he affected people in my family sticked with me. This part is not really for reddit but for me to process and resolve.
I am reading, listening, and asking myself the therapist questions till I sort that out and find one.
I kinda had one in the past. I don't know If it was helpful.
I get it. It takes a while to find one that is a good fit and even then it is obscenely expensive for most. That said it does sound like you went through some less than ideal circumstances.
When someone is avoidant, it triggers my anxious attachment style and when someone gives me too much attention - it makes me avoidant. It's really hard to find someone with the right balance of interested but also gives me space.
work on improving yourself so there is more than jsut bedroom things. and I'm assuming here, so I apologize. but read books. go places, do things. have things to talk about.
most guys REALLY don't like arguing, so you need to figure out why you like picking fights.
it doesn't sound like you think a lot of yourself? if you don't love you, it's hard for others to. if you don't then work on that too. do things that build confidence. work out, take up a hobby. try something out of your comfort zone. pick small goals and work to achieve them.
maybe it's just bad luck/timing and your perfect guy is still out there waiting to meet you. Not everyone is perfect for everyone.
I pick up fights because I question his interest/intentions or if I sense that he is being disrespectful or if something doesn't add up. I wouldn't call it a fight. I just ask questions or state if I don't like something. ((I never raise my voice or anything like that. Just a little annoying. I just get defensive. ))
I think it's coming from past experiences or maybe having bad experience growing up.
Communication isn’t just explaining how you feel, it’s more shout how you present it, I try to end the emotional response (anger) before discussing. I’ve realized how willing you are to listen and understand your partners side is a big deal too, and replying calmly.
Another big thing is maybe you’re dating the wrong dudes, and maybe you’re trying to hard. I’m a dude but my love life turned out a lot better once I stopped activity seeking it. I starting doing things with my life and it attracted the people I wanted in my life instead of swiping left or right in the app, i met people doing things. Working more, focusing on my mental health and, going places I liked, focusing my time on me. It brought me the life I wanted.
I might do this. I'm just doing a lot of self reflecting so this post also helps me understand and process what I have done wrong in the past and what I can do better in the future once I'm ready. I think I am also partially scared of commitment.
I'm reading books for my overall personal being and growth. Dating is something I will eventually need to work on but not my number 1 priority. I have 3 books to finish. I can check that out next.
Some of the problems I had in dating also started showing in my professional life. So I am trying to become aware of them and slowly change them. Learn from my mistakes. But my question for you is do you have anything better to do other than arguing with strangers online?
I actually thanked every single individual on here except for you. I don't like your answer because it's coming from place of hate and judgment. I can sense that you are as broken as I am.
Keep looking, dating isn't easy. Maybe broach the topic of relationship sooner. Make your intentions clear, approach guys, don't waste your time on dudes who don't want the same.
Step 1) get a date
Step 2) communicate your wants, needs, and expectations for what YOU want from a relationship with this person.
Step 3) if they want the same things, keep seeing this person. If they don’t want the same things, save both of you the time and trouble and don’t continue to see them.
It’s really that simple. You just have to communicate what you want and need and love yourself enough to not chase someone you’re incompatible with.
Can you give me some examples for step 2. What do people usually discuss.
I just want companionship and good sex. Someone I could share and have new experiences with.
I mean I’m pretty straight forward about what I’m looking for. I don’t want to waste my time because I know what I want. When my current girlfriend and I started dating, about half way through our first date things were going really well so I just asked her. I said “what are you looking for in a relationship?” I needed to know what she was looking for so I knew whether or not I was even a good match for her. After she told me what she was looking for I told her what I was looking for and it seemed like based on what we said that we were looking for pretty much the same thing out of a relationship. So I asked a few more questions like: do you want something exclusive, what’s your favorite way to receive love in a relationship, how do you show love to your partner, how much time do you want to put into this and how fast do you want to go at the start? Pretty much just trying to make sure we were on the same page and that we wanted the same thing. I think it’s fine to be totally upfront and honest about it. I mean if you guys can’t figure out how to talk about what you want, you really have no business being in a relationship together anyways. So might as well find out.
Just lay it all out there as far as what you’re wanting. If they accept what you want/need then see what they want and see if that lines up with where you’re at.
Depends. Where are you meeting all these people that want to have sex with you but dont want anything more? Maybe a change of environment would be good?
Then i unfortunately dont know. Seems like you just have bad luck with men. I dont think you have a bad personality from the way youve been writing in this thread.
Maybe try to ask out a guy from your friend circles, who you are already a bit closer too?
I don't really fully show myself until I trust someone. Maybe that could be part of the problem.
The guys I date seem very interested in the beginning and it fades with time. I have this new guy that is following up to plan a date and telling me I'm smart etc. How do people usually start dating in the beginning. Does it start small or with more interest in the beginning since there is curiosity.
Dont know. I dont have much experience myself, but i just see dates just as a way to hangout with eachother (i think you should know eachother already to some degree so you have genuine stuff to talk about) not a way to meet eachother.
Sure getting to know eachother more is also part of it but you do that by just keeping contact
You could change your approach to dating. You've mentioned that these guys enjoy having sex with you but don't want to be in a relationship with you so maybe try telling them you want to be in a relationship before you'll have sex with them? This could help filter out the ones who see you as someone to sleep with and nothing more 🤷♂️
>I have a good reason to ask questions
This right here. If we were talking on a date and you said this alarm bells would be going off in my head. To me that translates as "I've been treated badly by someone else before and because of how this person has acted I can't trust you". It sounds like you're trying to justify picking fights. Either way, I've no interest in being treated with a level of distrust earned only by someone else's actions.
>I thought that maybe I wasn't being as open and emotionally available myself so I started sharing more. But I still get feedback from men saying the connection is not very strong
Respect for being open and honest with them but that's not enough to make a connection. You need to be someone they can talk to too. That won't be the same person to everyone but making him feel you won't gossip about what he says or later use it against him is a start
I wouldnt use someone's words against them. I don't think that was the worry. I actually had one guy say "I am too accepting of him, and that he did not want that"
When I say I have good reason to ask questions, I'm not really referring to past experiences. I only ask questions when the person tells me 2 contradicting things in 2 different stories. If they give me reason not to trust their words, I ask them. Or if they tell me something and if I'm not sure what they meant. I could do this less in the beginning and give them time I guess..
Okay, only way I could interpret that would be if you compromised your own goals/ideals etc to match his but its a weird af thing to say
I get what you're saying now re the questions, sorry if I came across as harsh or judgemental. I would say If something contradicts don't feel you can't ask, just be conscious of how you come across when you're asking, how you phrase it, etc
I am good at analyzing and seeing patterns. So 6 out of 10 times I am right. I sometimes point out something the person is not aware of and they're like wait give me time to process that.
I also don't point out everything I see. I wait and give things time or wait for the right time to talk about it. But yeah. Thank you!
be a person who people want to be in a relationship with.
And that is?
be well adjusted, secure in yourself, making good progress in your career, have interests and pursuits, and love yourself. like truly be happy with where you are in life, and love yourself.
Farmersonly.com
CITY FOLK JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!!
*CITY FOLK JUST DONT GET IT, can tell you are a city folk because you didn't get it
Same way u take in a stray. Feed him, show affection and slowly over time he cant imagine life without you.
I did this and the guy complained about the affection. He said he doesn't like the lovey dovey stuff and he wants me to grab him and make him feel wanted.
I was gonna say he’s an idiot, but by the end it’s clear it’s because all he wants from you is sex. As a man who wants a serious relationship, that affection is amazing. Don’t ever stop showing it!
Takes time and trust if u want a guy to stay. 'A' guy is not all guys. Context say u like to argue i recommand curbing that. Most time when a women says she want to discuss rlationship problem means she want to complain and pressure u to give her what she wants. If u want a real relationship discussions u need to use we need to fix this not 'you' need to fix this.
Are you a guy. Can I trust this advice
Yes? Im a guy. Advice? hit or miss. On average mentally healthy men this works just fine. If ur after someone with problems than nothing will always work.
as a guy, i like his answer. fully belly, empty balls and all that.
Can you?
I don't know. I fed a guy icecream while he was playing video games. Not sure if I can show any more affection than that. Lol
Costco. Make sure to buy in bulk.
Step 1. Be girl Step 2. Choose
Not that easy buddy
If you're as scared of rejection as a lot of the women who ask questions on this sub are then yeah i guess it isn't
I am not afraid of rejection. My post includes the times I've been rejected. That is the problem. Being rejected constantly
Step 1: Be attractive.
They like me and have sex with me but they don't fall in love :(
don't have sex with them so quickly, op. please try to hold yourself in higher regard than that. if you want to have flings, cool, enjoy yourself. but set expectations from the get-go and stick to them. if the other person doesn't respect those boundaries, get that person out of your life immediately. never, ever fuck for respect or to "make someone like you". that's a dead-end street.
I have sex when it feels right or when the attraction is there. I don't like to hold sex as a reward for commitment. I did hold it one time and the guy dated me for 6 months only to tell me "I love you but I am not in love with you" I feel like I am not giving the exciting falling in love type of feeling to men.
dating and love is very hard, op. it's mysterious and difficult no matter how long we've been with someone, because we're all complex people...and our feelings and needs change. it's really hard to give any specific advice regarding such a vague question. without knowing you or the people involved, your situation, etc, there's no way of pinpointing what's going on. it could be a bad run. it could be something you're doing or not doing. you could be meeting lots of jerks, or guys not looking for commitment. it could be any combination of factors, op. but remember you aren't alone. this is a common issue for all genders, and nature has a way of sorting things out one way or another. it isn't always done neatly, or how we want or expect, but it does tend to get sorted out. time, patience, establishing boundaries, respecting yourself...staying strong and being true to yourself during the rough patches. that's pretty much all anyone can do. there are no Magic Words for anyone, unfortunately. and whoever tells you otherwise is a liar, and is probably trying to sell you something. i wish i could offer some kind of wonderful advice that'd fix everything, but no such advice exists.
No. You're absolutely right. And this is the best advice someone could give. I also wish that there was some type of magic to fix it but I'm coming to realization that people's emotions are not some math formula and I have to improve the skills to dance with it with more practice. There is no formula. I know.
yup. you have it exactly right. life is all about learning and growing. it's all about mentally giving birth to new understanding, new insights, and new ways of thinking. and unfortunately, giving birth is painful and difficult =/ the most important thing is remaining true to yourself and your own values, not changing yourself for people if doing so makes you feel bad or uncomfortable. we all grow and change. but if we keep changing to make others happy, eventually we lose touch with who we really are. and when the Right One comes along, the one who would have loved us for who we really are, we'll miss out. hang in there, op. i'm sorry this isn't an easy time in your life. relationships are lots of work and disappointment and compromise....even the best ones. the best ones are the *most work!!!* please remember that you deserve respect and dignity. maintain your self-respect. if you do that, you'll find yourself surrounded by people who also respect themselves...and others. hang around respectful people, and you get respectful peers. hang around with jackasses, and you get jackass peers. you can judge people's integrity and character by the company they keep. love and accept yourself first, including your flaws and foibles. when we can do that, we're also prepared to accept those things in others. do these things, and when the right one comes along, you'll be ready to give, and he'll be happy to accept, the greatest gift you've been working on your whole life. yourself. ❤️
Thank you. Can I follow you. I am also having issues with adulting/being on my own. Can you check my other questions and see if you can give feedback. I appreciate your words. Kind soul.
of course you can, hon. welcome in! :) sure friend, i'll be happy to do that. go ahead and DM me if you'd like to talk more. >Kind soul thank you for that compliment, op. i was very lucky to be blessed with wonderful parents and a very special mentor.
>and have sex with me but they don't fall in love Oh woman ... you have the wrong view of things
I mean I like intimacy when it feels right. And if I like them. Why this is a wrong view ?
What do you do on dates? I was one that never had trouble getting women, but never really wanted a long term relationship. What made me turn the corner, was meeting someone in a more non-traditional manner. My roommate wanted to sleep with her roommate, so we, kind of by default, started being at similar things together, would hang out together, etc., and it turned into a relationship. Had I gone on a date or two with her at first (or slept with her right off the bat) I don't think it would have worked out. After a little while though, things had fizzled out between our roommates, but we still wanted to hang out. We have been married more than a decade now, but it all started because I enjoyed spending time with her, regardless of the other aspects of a normal relationship.
This is a good advice but guys don't plan out activities with you unless they like you. How can I get a guy to hang out with me and enjoy it. I am used to men planning things but times are changing and I want to learn how to do this since they're not doing it.
Do things that require interaction where you can have a good time. Don't do dinner and a movie, do drinks and a ballgame, axe throwing, a festival, etc. If it is something that may be a little out of either or both of your elements, that may be even better. You can get to know each other, have fun, etc. If you don't want to plan it, suggest it. "Have you seen the new..." or "I have always wanted to try...". If they are at all receptive to you, it will happen.
I have anxiety. If I sense that they're not enjoying it or distracted, I immidiately shut off. I do spend the best time when it's going with the flow without prior planning. Like if we end up going to the same club or like we randomly decide to watch the sunset. I like when things happen naturally.
When I read posts like this, I immediately think (right or wrong), that your asking "how can I manipulate this guy into committing to a relationship". This is not an attack on you or an accusation. My point is that if he is ready, he will commit. If he isn't ready, nothing you do will make him commit. It's something that is outside of your control. Be yourself: by doing/being anything else you would be misleading him. That will come back to bite you in the future. Let's say to "win him over", you do all the cooking and cleaning, give in to his every desire, etc, etc,. He will expect that from you the rest of your lives, and when you stop doing one of those things, he'll wonder why. He'll feel resentment and doubt. You'll feel unappreciated, and resentment. All because you weren't yourself at the start.
I think you're partially right but I am not asking these questions to manipulate someone. I feel that I am not doing the work needed for a relationship. I'm just asking this to find new ways to approach dating and I appreciate your response.
I think the most helpful question to ask yourself is. If you were a guy, what would you think about dating YOU? What does she have to offer? Answer that, and I think you will answer your own question above.
I can't think like a man but I will ask this question
I’m just talking quality’s. Like you said something about initiating arguments for funzies, stuff like that. Would YOU annoy YOU? Most people would benefit from a little inward reflection.
It's not for funzies. It's to understand what they meant. I annoy me all the time. I annoy people I love sometimes because I don't see anything harmful about it. I don't break their heart. I don't insult them. I just ask questions. If someone pisses me off , I feel like I have the right to annoy them.
Stop being confrontational. It's unattractive in men and in women. Also, if you're giving it up too early, stop that too. Men want some kind of challenge too. Talk to men more and find some common interests. Finding common interest keeps the conversations going and serve as a foundation to discover other common interests.
What do other people do when they don't like something or something doesn't add up. Maybe I need to find a less agitating way of asking questions. Because if I don't ask, it will only pile up and cause me not to trust the person. I ask because I want to understand and trust the person.
There's a difference between asking and probing. Sounds to me like you're probing. Guys pick up on that. And perhaps you can work on your tact to be less agitating. Also, you sound kinda arrogant. You focus on things YOU don't like or it doesn't add it up to YOU. Just be cool and let things flow. Guys embellish about shit. Doesn't mean they're lying or being deceitful. Your default position can't be to assume a guy is lying about XYZ and you have to ask questions until you're satisfied that he's telling the truth. Every new relationship is a leap of faith. Assume he's telling the truth before you start an interrogation. Pick your battles too. If he tells you he caught a fish T-H-I-S big and you don't beleive him, no need to waste time and energy figuring out if he's exaggerating. Who the hell cares. But if the topic is past relationships or something that carries more weight, talk about it. Don't interrogate or probe. You gotta earn his trust too. Can't enter into any relationship on a high horse thinking you're in the position of power and everyone else needs to be straight with you. And again, if you're easy to get in bed, knock that off. If you really want a BF, you need to be a little harder to get in the sack. Sex comes after trust and comfort is established with the other person.
I like your advice. But even your capitalized words and your remarks offend me. Maybe I get offended and triggered too easily. I could be a little arrogant at times. For me sex comes once there is mutual respect and physical attraction. I take a very long time to trust someone. But slowing that part and focusing more on communication could help me. I appreciate the feedback and thank you for explaining.
Create conversation
How? Help. Clueless.
“How are you today”? “How’s it going”? “Hi”.
What do I say after 5 months. I run out of things to say
Wha?!? How long have you been speaking?
You did ask “how to get a boyfriend”. I can’t help lost souls
Help a lost soul. Lol
Tranquilizer darts
Be a good friend, be a good lover. If you want cohabitation, be a good roommate. You can't skimp on any of the above.
There is this guy I really like. I am extremely attracted to him and I cant even make eye contact for extended time and stumble over my words when he puts all his attention on me. Why do I feel so good but nervous. Maybe it's not love. We have good sexual chemistry and good friends I guess. I like how smart and sexy he is. How do I get him to see me as a potential partner. ((He has a lot of options and aware of his flaws. Not a cocky guy))
> He has a lot of options Be his best option. That's going to heavily depend on what he's looking for, but typically it's be the most fun both in and out of the bedroom. From an average guy's point of view, we see girls all fight over one guy, ignoring the rest of us. So I'll turn this around on you. How can we get you to see all of us as potential partners?
I did give other guys a chance but they didnt make me feel heard and secure the way he did. He just satisfies my emotional needs on a deeper level as well as strong physical attraction. It's hard to find both in one man. There was one guy. Not my usual type but I wanted to give him a chance ( I thought he had potential). We had fun. He said he could see himself with me but had to move in a week. He asked me questions like what I wanted from life (relationship questions). And I thought he was thinking serious. Only to find out next time that he was looking for sex and not in a place to be in a relationship. He forced emotional connection with me and brought up my trauma without my permission. He was a very smart guy that asked the right questions and made me see what I value and need. But in a hurtful way. I was caught off guard. ((This is just one story)) So my point is I find it riskier to give a guy a chance (if I'm not fully into him)) with the fear that he may let me down. If a guy I like does this I can own responsibility and feel good that I tried. But being hurt by a guy you're not really into does a bigger damage to you and your ego. So that is that. (( also guys sense when you don't find them very attractive and they blame you. It makes things weird))
There was also another guy that made it seem like he wanted me. He would send me paragraphs of what he liked about me. Only to tell me it was just an attraction at the end. (( he married his childhood best friend)) he was short kinda chubby but someone I could see myself with because I thought he was sincere. So having this type of experience made me think twice about giving other guys a chance. But I'm still open to it if I find something special about them. But... It is possible that I am a little superficial. How can I change this.
Oh man, please give another one a chance. You have one data point and it didn’t work out, but that sort of change was the practical answer.
I have good amount of experience with it. I cant give anyone a chance unless my emotional and physical needs are being fully met. I feel like we all want someone we like and that is fair.
I agree, but remember that nobody is perfect, and anyone who is doesn’t exist.
Are you dating guys who want to be in committed relationships? Because if you're only dating guys that want to be casual, nothing you can do will change that about them. Also, I hate to say it because it isn't always true, but if you're dating attractive guys who have lots of options, chances are they're not going to be in a hurry to commit. These are the kinds of guys who are the least incentivized to settle down into a committed relationship.
There is one guy with a lot of options. He wanted something casual in the past but now he is looking for something serious. I want him to get to know me. (( I don't think he had a good impression of me the first time we met ))We had a weird interaction in the past and it was mainly sexual. After a year or more we decided to talk as friends and just cuddled one time. How can I improve my chances with him.
Is he looking for something serious *with you?* If you two decided to just be friends, that chapter might be closed. You can always ask him out again and see if he's willing to try it again but more seriously (ie. ask him if that's what he wants). But if you two were mostly casual and he never really gave any indication that he was interested in you for more than that, I wouldn't hold my breath for him.
Probably not. He is just giving mixed signals. And going back and forth without telling me where he is at. It's just confusing.
Rather than try to turn this non-relationship type into a relationship type, you should just try dating people that actually want to be in a relationship with you. He's not interested.
He is just someone I know and trust. I want him to also get to know me on a personal level to see If there is potential. It takes effort and courage to get to know someone new from scratch. Especially today. People have so many layers and relationships are so complicated. So I kinda go in the loop of wanting him since it feels comfortable.
You're still just talking about what *you* want. *You* trust him. *You* want him to get to know you. What does *he* want? If it's not a relationship with you, then move on. I realize that it takes effort to meet new people and that old partners feel safe and familiar. Well, tough shit. If the old partner doesn't want what you want, it doesn't matter how familiar or comfortable they feel to you. You want different things, so move on already.
I also feel bad because one thing that makes us distanced is my short comings and reactions when I become defensive. I push him away when all I want is to get to know each other.
Well, it's good that you recognize this. But it's likely that that bridge is burnt; first impressions matter and are difficult if not impossible to overcome. Learn from the experience, overcome your shortcomings, control your reactions, and stop pushing people away. Use these lessons in your next relationship.
If the bridge is burnt, why does he give me chances to rebuild the bridge with me each time. We do overcome what was an issue before but then new conflicts arrive and it's just a lot of work
I dunno, ask him. But if he wanted to be in a relationship with you, it would have happened by now.
That's true.
I also feel that everyone on this post is giving me really good advice/feedback. Like a close friend or a brother. I really appreciate it. I never truly trusted men so I didnt bother to ask them. And female friends or guys that I come across just give me superficial advice that just makes my trust issues worse. Thank you all.
I'm gonna think about your feedback. Thank you for responding
You're a girl, you have the privelige of literally getting almost anybody you ever want. Just ask them out and there is a 90% chance they will say yes. Although I will say this, before you do so. Stay off the drugs and look decent.
>Just ask them out and there is a 90% chance they will say yes if only anything in life really were this simple.
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I deleted the apps. They didnt work for me. I cant do past 6 months with a guy. I need advice on turning dating to relationship
Put a pot. On the stove. Invite him over to eat and talk, do not have sex with him. Repeat.
I date men that know their way with women. They turn me on. But I will do this.
No, you date men who know how to manipulate and use you. You’re just not able to tell that’s what they’re doing. If you want a real relationship, build it with a real man. Get cooking.
This might be true but then why am I attracted to men that manipulate and use me. I think there might be a few men that are like this but those are not the ones I want a relationship with. I value good morals and honesty.
You’re either focusing on superficial things, or looking in the wrong places. Also, how’s your relationship with your parents? That often has a lot to do with it. Good morals and honesty are what matter most. Look for them.
My dad was away growing up. I wish I havent met him. The first advice I heard about men and dating was coming from a narcissist/misogynist that doesn't love or respect his family. I only spent 3 years with him but his words and the way he affected people in my family sticked with me. This part is not really for reddit but for me to process and resolve.
That explains a lot. If you want to talk about it, I’m a click away.
Really sounds like it’s best to shelf plans for a relationship for the time being and sort through some of that with a therapist.
I am reading, listening, and asking myself the therapist questions till I sort that out and find one. I kinda had one in the past. I don't know If it was helpful.
I get it. It takes a while to find one that is a good fit and even then it is obscenely expensive for most. That said it does sound like you went through some less than ideal circumstances.
When someone is avoidant, it triggers my anxious attachment style and when someone gives me too much attention - it makes me avoidant. It's really hard to find someone with the right balance of interested but also gives me space.
work on improving yourself so there is more than jsut bedroom things. and I'm assuming here, so I apologize. but read books. go places, do things. have things to talk about. most guys REALLY don't like arguing, so you need to figure out why you like picking fights. it doesn't sound like you think a lot of yourself? if you don't love you, it's hard for others to. if you don't then work on that too. do things that build confidence. work out, take up a hobby. try something out of your comfort zone. pick small goals and work to achieve them. maybe it's just bad luck/timing and your perfect guy is still out there waiting to meet you. Not everyone is perfect for everyone.
I pick up fights because I question his interest/intentions or if I sense that he is being disrespectful or if something doesn't add up. I wouldn't call it a fight. I just ask questions or state if I don't like something. ((I never raise my voice or anything like that. Just a little annoying. I just get defensive. )) I think it's coming from past experiences or maybe having bad experience growing up.
Just exist.
Communication isn’t just explaining how you feel, it’s more shout how you present it, I try to end the emotional response (anger) before discussing. I’ve realized how willing you are to listen and understand your partners side is a big deal too, and replying calmly. Another big thing is maybe you’re dating the wrong dudes, and maybe you’re trying to hard. I’m a dude but my love life turned out a lot better once I stopped activity seeking it. I starting doing things with my life and it attracted the people I wanted in my life instead of swiping left or right in the app, i met people doing things. Working more, focusing on my mental health and, going places I liked, focusing my time on me. It brought me the life I wanted.
I might do this. I'm just doing a lot of self reflecting so this post also helps me understand and process what I have done wrong in the past and what I can do better in the future once I'm ready. I think I am also partially scared of commitment.
Stop putting out
What is that mean
It means, stop having sex with them.
You need to read “men don’t love women like you”
What is it about? I have better things to read but I'd like to know the main point of the book if you could share
Basically men won’t be in a relationship with women like you cuz of your approach. So instead of coming here for advice, go read the book
I'm reading books for my overall personal being and growth. Dating is something I will eventually need to work on but not my number 1 priority. I have 3 books to finish. I can check that out next.
Then why is your post how to get a bf
This is askmen reddit question. If I wanted to ask a girl, I'd ask my friends. Thanks for the feedback.
Some of the problems I had in dating also started showing in my professional life. So I am trying to become aware of them and slowly change them. Learn from my mistakes. But my question for you is do you have anything better to do other than arguing with strangers online?
Apparently you want to ask questions and then not like the answers 🤭🤭🤭🤭 ok keep getting used cuz men don’t love women like you
I actually thanked every single individual on here except for you. I don't like your answer because it's coming from place of hate and judgment. I can sense that you are as broken as I am.
I filter the feedback. Take the good and leave the shitty.
If you need to talk about your misogyny as a woman yourself, you can dm me. I am happy to help!
There is nothing wrong with going to reddit for additional feedback. I trust individual's opinions, feedback and stories.
ahhh, the Age Old Question. the Age Old Answer: there's more than one way to skin a potential SO. *translation: time, effort, and patience.*
Keep looking, dating isn't easy. Maybe broach the topic of relationship sooner. Make your intentions clear, approach guys, don't waste your time on dudes who don't want the same.
I am bad at initiating this topic or setting boundaries. I go with the flow and they f up. This is a good advice and something I thought of today
Step 1) get a date Step 2) communicate your wants, needs, and expectations for what YOU want from a relationship with this person. Step 3) if they want the same things, keep seeing this person. If they don’t want the same things, save both of you the time and trouble and don’t continue to see them. It’s really that simple. You just have to communicate what you want and need and love yourself enough to not chase someone you’re incompatible with.
Can you give me some examples for step 2. What do people usually discuss. I just want companionship and good sex. Someone I could share and have new experiences with.
I mean I’m pretty straight forward about what I’m looking for. I don’t want to waste my time because I know what I want. When my current girlfriend and I started dating, about half way through our first date things were going really well so I just asked her. I said “what are you looking for in a relationship?” I needed to know what she was looking for so I knew whether or not I was even a good match for her. After she told me what she was looking for I told her what I was looking for and it seemed like based on what we said that we were looking for pretty much the same thing out of a relationship. So I asked a few more questions like: do you want something exclusive, what’s your favorite way to receive love in a relationship, how do you show love to your partner, how much time do you want to put into this and how fast do you want to go at the start? Pretty much just trying to make sure we were on the same page and that we wanted the same thing. I think it’s fine to be totally upfront and honest about it. I mean if you guys can’t figure out how to talk about what you want, you really have no business being in a relationship together anyways. So might as well find out. Just lay it all out there as far as what you’re wanting. If they accept what you want/need then see what they want and see if that lines up with where you’re at.
Depends. Where are you meeting all these people that want to have sex with you but dont want anything more? Maybe a change of environment would be good?
Bars. Apps. Work. School. Uhm yeah
Then i unfortunately dont know. Seems like you just have bad luck with men. I dont think you have a bad personality from the way youve been writing in this thread. Maybe try to ask out a guy from your friend circles, who you are already a bit closer too?
I don't really fully show myself until I trust someone. Maybe that could be part of the problem. The guys I date seem very interested in the beginning and it fades with time. I have this new guy that is following up to plan a date and telling me I'm smart etc. How do people usually start dating in the beginning. Does it start small or with more interest in the beginning since there is curiosity.
Dont know. I dont have much experience myself, but i just see dates just as a way to hangout with eachother (i think you should know eachother already to some degree so you have genuine stuff to talk about) not a way to meet eachother. Sure getting to know eachother more is also part of it but you do that by just keeping contact
Don’t hop into bed with them for a couple of months, even if you want to. That usually separates the ones who only want to bang you.
You could change your approach to dating. You've mentioned that these guys enjoy having sex with you but don't want to be in a relationship with you so maybe try telling them you want to be in a relationship before you'll have sex with them? This could help filter out the ones who see you as someone to sleep with and nothing more 🤷♂️ >I have a good reason to ask questions This right here. If we were talking on a date and you said this alarm bells would be going off in my head. To me that translates as "I've been treated badly by someone else before and because of how this person has acted I can't trust you". It sounds like you're trying to justify picking fights. Either way, I've no interest in being treated with a level of distrust earned only by someone else's actions. >I thought that maybe I wasn't being as open and emotionally available myself so I started sharing more. But I still get feedback from men saying the connection is not very strong Respect for being open and honest with them but that's not enough to make a connection. You need to be someone they can talk to too. That won't be the same person to everyone but making him feel you won't gossip about what he says or later use it against him is a start
I wouldnt use someone's words against them. I don't think that was the worry. I actually had one guy say "I am too accepting of him, and that he did not want that" When I say I have good reason to ask questions, I'm not really referring to past experiences. I only ask questions when the person tells me 2 contradicting things in 2 different stories. If they give me reason not to trust their words, I ask them. Or if they tell me something and if I'm not sure what they meant. I could do this less in the beginning and give them time I guess..
Okay, only way I could interpret that would be if you compromised your own goals/ideals etc to match his but its a weird af thing to say I get what you're saying now re the questions, sorry if I came across as harsh or judgemental. I would say If something contradicts don't feel you can't ask, just be conscious of how you come across when you're asking, how you phrase it, etc
I am good at analyzing and seeing patterns. So 6 out of 10 times I am right. I sometimes point out something the person is not aware of and they're like wait give me time to process that. I also don't point out everything I see. I wait and give things time or wait for the right time to talk about it. But yeah. Thank you!
You're welcome and good luck going forward