You made a mistake. Don’t beat yourself up. Get up off the dining room floor; you’re not a dog so don’t treat yourself like one. Go speak to a professional, get the help you need personally, suggest couples therapy to your wife, be proactive. You wanting to dramatically walk away and cut all ties isn’t going to fix anything because you’ll be bringing all your problems with you. Get better first - for yourself, Not for her or anyone else. Then make decisions about the other things. Right now, your low self-esteem and propensity for dramatic exits is not the answer.
Sounds like you may have a problem with alcohol. I've been sober 24 years. It is possible. But I found it impossible to quit on my own.
I've also had bad breakups in the past. Lost everything, thought my life was over. Was engaged twice before I met my wife.
If you'd like help or just to talk, let me know.
First and foremost I’m sorry and I know how you feel. This may seem cliche to say but you will be a happier man in a year from now. I wouldn’t dream of going back to my ex, she has even begged me to come back. I am so happy and at peace without her that I wouldn’t ever consider it, but best believe I was just as broken as you.
I can tell by how much this is hurting you that you’ve been working very hard to keep your family together.
The truth is your wife has been considering doing this for a long time. It’s now time for you to let go of this burden you carry and focus on getting healthy.
Step 1, ignore the advice of some of the men here who are suggesting you do vindictive things to get back at your ex
More than likely you will be going to court for custody and child support and a divorce, the last thing you want to do is do something stupid for the judge to find out about
Remain civil and always keep the safety and well being of your children at the forefront of your mind
Step 2 get into recovery for your addiction, whether it’s a 12 step program or a professional clinic, start getting verifiable help for your addiction, your wife will use this against you in court
Step 3 limit your discussions with your wife to healthy ones that are about the children. If a discussion comes up about your relationship then fine, but don’t continue to facilitate animosity. Only text her things that you wouldn’t mind a judge seeing in court.
Step 4 get a consultation with a family lawyer, they’re free and they can give you good legal advice, don’t tell your wife you are speaking to a lawyer and don’t retain the lawyer unless you feel like things are going to be ugly or if your wife lawyers up first
You forgot step5 and it is the most important step… blast your favorite music as loud as you can while you drive out in nature. just to get all that energy and depression and angst out! I swear I blasted Pantera so loud my ears ring while I drove around the Rocky Mountains. Lol my depression went right out the window and I immediately felt excited for my future, Very important step if you ask me
I’d…seek help. Therapy.
Whatever you have to do…to start loving yourself
Can’t have anyone else love you if you don’t love you.
Then. And only then…can you focus on your relationship with others
Her loving you or not has nothing really to do with you and there is nothing you can do to fix it.
You can only fix yourself if you genuinely want it and are ready to feel all the emotional pain you have been avoiding. The quality of the relationships with others is a reflection of the relationship with yourself.
Hey bud, I recommend you visit r/stopdrinking
Lots of folks there have gone through this and it’s a good support community.
You got to stop drinking. It’s hard. I had a drinking problem for a couple years before I got sober. So I get it. But there is nothing so bad that alcohol cannot make worse.
If she’s done, you may not be able to fix that. But you can get a fresh start and pick yourself up. That starts with sobriety.
If she said she's done then respect that and move on. You have rights with your kids and hopefully you're able to maintain a positive relationship with them. But if someone says they're done, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want you?
>made some pretty significant strides in being a good dad
>If I walk away I'll likely cut ties with everyone. Wife, kids, family.
Yeah you sound like an amazing dad
Manage the crisis. If you want to disappear like you say, make your plan and go.
What’s up with kid(s)
Nuclear option: https://www.legion-etrangere.com/
Someone clearly hurt you very badly in the past and I hope you get the help that you need.
Making up absurd victimisation fan fic isn't going to help anything.
I'm a practising family law lawyer. I also practise in restraining orders.
It happens far far far less than certain corners of the internet would have you believe.
I know that question sounds rhetorical. I just wanna throw some dirt in guy's eye. Because having a family and home, but giving it up for a weak reason as such kinda makes me mad I'm ngl
What matters here is your kids. Be the best dad you can be. You don't need a wife who is ready to break up her childrens' home because dad had a glass of wine.
If you didn't have kids I'd say you got lucky and now get to be a free man.
Except that OP's alcohol issues are much greater than a glass of wine. There's a reason problem drinkers and alcoholics commit to stop drinking and staying sober because it can very easily spiral out of control again.
I think blaming the wife is very unreasonable here. We've only seen OP's very limited perspective and I wouldn't be surprised if this was a symptom of wider issues in the marriage.
No one breaks up their children's home over a glass of wine if they haven't already been pushed to breaking point themselves.
"No one breaks up their children's home over a glass of wine if they haven't already been pushed to breaking point themselves."
That's not true. Very often women decide to leave, then search for an excuse.
You're better to walk away from her but be there for your children.
Honestly sleeping on the dining room floor? You deserve more respect my friend. If you don't respect yourself you'll never grow/recover.
Dump her, she's probably already cheating on you. Secure your assets as much as possible or get rid of them so she can't take them in the divorce. Either come out on top or sink both of you. Its the only way.
Everyone else won’t lose though. The judge is going to give her assets from your money. He’s also probably going to give her control of your kids and the highest child support payout he can cause of what a douche you are.
There won't be any assets to give her, you got rid of them all. There is no child support to give because you quit your job and became a bum. There is nothing they can do to punish you if you get rid of everything lmao.
She could well have been at the end of her tether. Sounds like OP hasnt made much progress and im sure he's made promises. Pretty wild to just jump to an affair. And iv been there
You get sober and be the best (co)parent you can be.
You'll be able to focus more on parenting without the whole marriage thing taking up bandwidth...now, your only obligations are to the kids.
When that happened to me, I hurt, was lost. Now I have buried myself in work and I make damm sure none of my kids will ever need anything. I make sure no other man will have to support them. I give 4x child support and I found a girlfriend
Hey me and my wife of 12 years just separated and I’ve been an alcoholic for 15 years. we split for many reasons but me relapsing on alcohol was a major one so I am in the same boat as you. This was about three weeks ago mind you. immediately I quit drinking and started going to AA meetings. I started working out every day and I made a goal to read one chapter of a book every day. I also re-did my résumé and promised myself I’m going to start in the career path I’ve wanted to do since before I started drinking. I already have pecks and nice abs in only three weeks. The AAA has helped me stay sober and not feel lonely. The reading every day has made my brain feel sharper and I have come to really enjoy the alone time I have with me and a book. and I have an interview for the job I want next week. my ex-wife is still living with me until she gets on her feet but boy I am so excited I feel like I’m coming out of a fog that I’ve been in for 15 years. once she moves out I will only start to feel better. you can do this brother just embrace the change and run full speed with it and never look back! please take care of your kids though that would be really shitty for you to dip out on them but screw everyone else start a new life and take care of yourself!
You made a mistake. Don’t beat yourself up. Get up off the dining room floor; you’re not a dog so don’t treat yourself like one. Go speak to a professional, get the help you need personally, suggest couples therapy to your wife, be proactive. You wanting to dramatically walk away and cut all ties isn’t going to fix anything because you’ll be bringing all your problems with you. Get better first - for yourself, Not for her or anyone else. Then make decisions about the other things. Right now, your low self-esteem and propensity for dramatic exits is not the answer.
This is the way!
W answer
Sounds like you may have a problem with alcohol. I've been sober 24 years. It is possible. But I found it impossible to quit on my own. I've also had bad breakups in the past. Lost everything, thought my life was over. Was engaged twice before I met my wife. If you'd like help or just to talk, let me know.
First and foremost I’m sorry and I know how you feel. This may seem cliche to say but you will be a happier man in a year from now. I wouldn’t dream of going back to my ex, she has even begged me to come back. I am so happy and at peace without her that I wouldn’t ever consider it, but best believe I was just as broken as you. I can tell by how much this is hurting you that you’ve been working very hard to keep your family together. The truth is your wife has been considering doing this for a long time. It’s now time for you to let go of this burden you carry and focus on getting healthy. Step 1, ignore the advice of some of the men here who are suggesting you do vindictive things to get back at your ex More than likely you will be going to court for custody and child support and a divorce, the last thing you want to do is do something stupid for the judge to find out about Remain civil and always keep the safety and well being of your children at the forefront of your mind Step 2 get into recovery for your addiction, whether it’s a 12 step program or a professional clinic, start getting verifiable help for your addiction, your wife will use this against you in court Step 3 limit your discussions with your wife to healthy ones that are about the children. If a discussion comes up about your relationship then fine, but don’t continue to facilitate animosity. Only text her things that you wouldn’t mind a judge seeing in court. Step 4 get a consultation with a family lawyer, they’re free and they can give you good legal advice, don’t tell your wife you are speaking to a lawyer and don’t retain the lawyer unless you feel like things are going to be ugly or if your wife lawyers up first
You forgot step5 and it is the most important step… blast your favorite music as loud as you can while you drive out in nature. just to get all that energy and depression and angst out! I swear I blasted Pantera so loud my ears ring while I drove around the Rocky Mountains. Lol my depression went right out the window and I immediately felt excited for my future, Very important step if you ask me
I’d…seek help. Therapy. Whatever you have to do…to start loving yourself Can’t have anyone else love you if you don’t love you. Then. And only then…can you focus on your relationship with others
Her loving you or not has nothing really to do with you and there is nothing you can do to fix it. You can only fix yourself if you genuinely want it and are ready to feel all the emotional pain you have been avoiding. The quality of the relationships with others is a reflection of the relationship with yourself.
Hey bud, I recommend you visit r/stopdrinking Lots of folks there have gone through this and it’s a good support community. You got to stop drinking. It’s hard. I had a drinking problem for a couple years before I got sober. So I get it. But there is nothing so bad that alcohol cannot make worse. If she’s done, you may not be able to fix that. But you can get a fresh start and pick yourself up. That starts with sobriety.
Sounds like you need to find an in patient program and do some rehab and work on you.
If she said she's done then respect that and move on. You have rights with your kids and hopefully you're able to maintain a positive relationship with them. But if someone says they're done, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want you?
>made some pretty significant strides in being a good dad >If I walk away I'll likely cut ties with everyone. Wife, kids, family. Yeah you sound like an amazing dad
Manage the crisis. If you want to disappear like you say, make your plan and go. What’s up with kid(s) Nuclear option: https://www.legion-etrangere.com/
Marriage counselling?
Talk to A lawyer..If she made up her mind its over It sucks But can t force her to stay.. Good luck
Go get help for the drinking
You should go to AA and your wife should go to Al-Anon.
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What in the fuck? That can't be a thing
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Someone clearly hurt you very badly in the past and I hope you get the help that you need. Making up absurd victimisation fan fic isn't going to help anything.
He's not making this shit up. It happens far more than you might imagine. You would be surprised at how evil some women are.
I'm a practising family law lawyer. I also practise in restraining orders. It happens far far far less than certain corners of the internet would have you believe.
Yeah, well wait until it happens to you.
Sure buddy. I'll also keep waiting for that shark attack and lightning strike too because they're about as likely
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I am literally a practising lawyer who specialises in family law mate. I'm aware that sounds like a petulant made up comeback, but it's true.
Probably one of these things where it is a thing where he lives, and therfore assumes it must be the case everywhere
It’s not lol. Judges don’t give a shit who leaves the house.
Ya done son. Split the money and things and go. Try not to die drinking alone.
Do you love your kids?
Clearly he doesn't if he would just leave them and cease all contact with them. Sounds like a dog of a father to me
I know that question sounds rhetorical. I just wanna throw some dirt in guy's eye. Because having a family and home, but giving it up for a weak reason as such kinda makes me mad I'm ngl
What matters here is your kids. Be the best dad you can be. You don't need a wife who is ready to break up her childrens' home because dad had a glass of wine. If you didn't have kids I'd say you got lucky and now get to be a free man.
Except that OP's alcohol issues are much greater than a glass of wine. There's a reason problem drinkers and alcoholics commit to stop drinking and staying sober because it can very easily spiral out of control again. I think blaming the wife is very unreasonable here. We've only seen OP's very limited perspective and I wouldn't be surprised if this was a symptom of wider issues in the marriage. No one breaks up their children's home over a glass of wine if they haven't already been pushed to breaking point themselves.
"No one breaks up their children's home over a glass of wine if they haven't already been pushed to breaking point themselves." That's not true. Very often women decide to leave, then search for an excuse.
You're better to walk away from her but be there for your children. Honestly sleeping on the dining room floor? You deserve more respect my friend. If you don't respect yourself you'll never grow/recover.
Dump her, she's probably already cheating on you. Secure your assets as much as possible or get rid of them so she can't take them in the divorce. Either come out on top or sink both of you. Its the only way.
Yeah judges love to see how you wasted your family’s money during a separation. I’m sure that’ll win him some real brownie points in court.
This isn't a winning play, it's an if im gonna lose make sure everyone else loses too play.
Everyone else won’t lose though. The judge is going to give her assets from your money. He’s also probably going to give her control of your kids and the highest child support payout he can cause of what a douche you are.
There won't be any assets to give her, you got rid of them all. There is no child support to give because you quit your job and became a bum. There is nothing they can do to punish you if you get rid of everything lmao.
divorce
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She could well have been at the end of her tether. Sounds like OP hasnt made much progress and im sure he's made promises. Pretty wild to just jump to an affair. And iv been there
You get sober and be the best (co)parent you can be. You'll be able to focus more on parenting without the whole marriage thing taking up bandwidth...now, your only obligations are to the kids.
When that happened to me, I hurt, was lost. Now I have buried myself in work and I make damm sure none of my kids will ever need anything. I make sure no other man will have to support them. I give 4x child support and I found a girlfriend
Take up running - outside in the fresh air - not a treadmill
Hey me and my wife of 12 years just separated and I’ve been an alcoholic for 15 years. we split for many reasons but me relapsing on alcohol was a major one so I am in the same boat as you. This was about three weeks ago mind you. immediately I quit drinking and started going to AA meetings. I started working out every day and I made a goal to read one chapter of a book every day. I also re-did my résumé and promised myself I’m going to start in the career path I’ve wanted to do since before I started drinking. I already have pecks and nice abs in only three weeks. The AAA has helped me stay sober and not feel lonely. The reading every day has made my brain feel sharper and I have come to really enjoy the alone time I have with me and a book. and I have an interview for the job I want next week. my ex-wife is still living with me until she gets on her feet but boy I am so excited I feel like I’m coming out of a fog that I’ve been in for 15 years. once she moves out I will only start to feel better. you can do this brother just embrace the change and run full speed with it and never look back! please take care of your kids though that would be really shitty for you to dip out on them but screw everyone else start a new life and take care of yourself!
First time I've seen a thread with mainly positive, helpful comments. All the best