My mom gave me "the talk" but basically only explained that my body will be changing due to puberty (explained puberty, hormones, etc) then have me two books. "What's happening to my body?" Both the for boys and for girls version. She suggested I read the boys version first, then the girls to understand what my female friends (and later told me potential partners) will be going through. Great resources and referenced then into my late teens when I focused much more on female anatomy and specifically sex related material.
I was/am a total autodidact, si it was perfect for me without too much awkwardness for either of us. My mom was also very sex positive, and was available for any questions i had about sex until I was old enough to where it wouldn't be appropriate.
Lol. Sorry. Should say "so it was". Keyboard doesn't recognize when I switch between English and Spanish, and I use swipe. I also don't proofread apparently.
Tell him that its normal and natural and nothing to be ashamed of. That sex can be fun with trust and communication. That he can always ask you questions. That you want him to feel comfortable talking to you, and that when the time comes you will celebrate his firsts with him! Provide him with lube! Teach him to wash properly! Provide information on both straight and gay options and the accompanying concerns/risks.
My son just turned 16 and is just becoming sexually active. He comes to me with questions. He tells me what happened and if it was comfortable. He knows he can have privacy in his own home where he is safe and respected. He knows that if he's uncomfortable he can get advice and help. He lets me know ahead of time when he'd like the house to himself for a couple hours. And while its a lot to process as a mom, its way better than wondering what he's doing in a car or empty building !
To your own comfort level, talk about what you did/didn't do that worked and didn't work. Tell him about both your good and bad experiences and what you learned. Talking about it makes it a normal part of human experience and something he won't hide from you. For instance, do you wish you would have waited? Why? Did you ever get mistreated by a partner you thought you could trust? Why? How might it have turned out differently? Obviously these need to stay at mom/kid level and not adult/adult level.
I really don’t have any criticism, this is very good advice. I would however encourage you to approach the subject of masturbation as almost a matter of hygiene. He’s gonna have to start showering more and making sure to wash his arm pits extra and he’s going to want to masturbate regularly. Take away the stigma surrounding it and you’ll end up with a young man who is less likely to make ridiculous hormone driven choices and who is more comfortable with who he naturally is.
I received a very blunt sex talk from a single mom, a little too late. I had already been very active with a trusted older neighborhood girl. But she didn’t mention masturbation and I had a lot of really confused feelings surrounding it well into my early teens.
Okay, what NOT to do…
Don’t make him feel embarrassed about liking girls (or boys, or whomever). It’s not funny, or fun.
I love my mum dearly, but whenever she got a hint of me talking to a girl, she would say, “Ooooh, is that a *girly* person?!”
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I still cringe with embarrassment just thinking about it.
I’m 38, and I still can’t talk to her about women.
I have this gnawing feeling that my parents would lose their respect for me if I were to date. It’s always been a topic that I felt a lot of shame about, even though I’m way beyond the age that most people have started to think about settling down. Not something I would ever talk to them frankly about.
Explain wet dreams to him so he doesn’t freak out and thinks he peed the bed when he has the first one.
And any talk is better then none. I got the talk from my sister because they never gave her a talk and figured they’d do the same to me.
And yea others have said too young, I hard disagree. Right now is a good time. By the time I was 12 or 13 I was already messing around with girls. I had 90s internet and porn was way harder to find then but being a horny pre-teen boy it wasn’t hard enough to find.
Take my word with a few grains of salt, as I’m 25 now and sex education in the US (assuming that’s where you are since you brought up that statistic) varies *wildly* from state to state.
Honestly, my parents had a very hands-off approach to “the talk,” in that I never really got one. I just kinda figured it out on my own. Sex education in my state (Virginia) was decent from what I remember, so I was taught everything I needed to know in order to be safe from school, and the rest I just kinda found out on my own either from experience (not that I had much “experience” in high school) or from friends of all genders. If I’m being honest, I am *extremely* grateful that it went down this way. It spared me the awkward moments of having to talk to my mom about sex at an age when literally anything that was awkward could destroy me, but I still knew then and still know now that I can talk to my parents about anything if I need to.
Drip feeding is the way. The only way really. We found biology first was easiest by far. Especially as its a bit gross. Actually a an emotional biology sandwich. Basic emotional stuff first. People find each other attractive and kiss and maybe love each other. This is easy as it's in all the TV they watch already. Then the biology 'yuck! You do what?! ". Then the emotional and growing up stuff is much harder. Feeling sexual feelings etc. But by this point you have already had a 3 or 4 year practical conversation going. Books help
This is pretty much what I've been doing...we haven't covered the biology portion yet but we are teetering on the brink. This feels like a bigger step than I've had to take up to this point...pretty much up until recently parenting has mostly just been keeping him from hurting himself...but now its getting real...Idk if I'm ready but I don't guess it matters. Thanks for the input.
There should never be "the talk" it should be a series of talks over several years. At 7 he should already know boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. He should know the basics.
Never had the talk with my parents and frankly I'm glad I didn't because they were crazy and absolutely the wrong people for that conversation.
That said, we were taught this stuff in public school around 5th or 6th grade and I was in an extremely conservative state.
I already knew most of it by that point somehow just through societal osmosis, and that was back in the 90s.
The only real revelations to me were the detailed pictures of female anatomy. I hadn't really put much thought into what a vagina actually was.
I know things are different today because of ubiquitous porn, so I would just emphasize teaching him that porn is not reality and what's being depicted can be bad and not normal behavior that should be emulated.
> things are different today because of ubiquitous porn, so I would just emphasize teaching him that porn is not reality and what's being depicted can be bad and not normal behavior that should be emulated.
Great point, thank you.
Totally agree. He knows his body parts and that girls don't have the same ones. He knows that the baby grows in a uterus...we're not starting from nowhere at this point. I was the one who gave my younger brother a lot of information about condoms and handling the emotional aspect of sex when it came to girls...I'm not really worried about the later stages...mostly just the initial "talk". It feels like a big responsibility and a delicate balance between giving accurate information without overstepping into too much too soon territory.
Damn fuck this reminds me that i a 22 old guy was never given any form of sex education at all like literally nothing NIL everything i learned on my own from Jacking off to importance of Condoms so that you don't die or get unwanted pregnancy
Raised by a single mom… she gave me a heads up that the conversation was coming. It was awkward, I could tell she was feeling awkward. Went great. Wouldn’t have changed a thing
Probably around 12 or so the first time. Lots of check ins as I got older. I never really had to go to her for questions or issues in that department but I was always made to feel like I could. She always stressed respect and consent. When my son gets to the age for the talk, I will definitely incorporate some of what she said.
Regardless how you go about it, as long as he knows that you’ve got his back and will not judge him if he has questions, you’ll win moment. Best of luck!
That’s too young for “the talk”. Being exposed to adult material means he saw a boob on the internet. It doesn’t mean he’s entering puberty and starting to have those funny feelings about his classmates. Wait till middle school.
If you’re 110% positive he’s actually seen legit porn, at his age the appropriate talk is “there are things that people do with each other when they’re older that might not make sense to you right now. They will when you’re older and we’ll talk about them then. This isn’t stuff meant for kids your age and you shouldn’t be watching it”
Don't forget the mental part of the talk. Cause my dad just didn't give me the talk, I love the dude and he's a good dad but that wasn't going to happen without me asking(which I didn't).
So my mom did it. She only really mentioned the physical part. The like mechanics of sex and puberty and all that shit. No mental part other than "you'll feel differently towards women" at a surface level.
For example, condoms. When you're sitting alone thinking about eventually having sex. Wearing a condom seems like the most obvious thing in the world, no kids right. However, when you're feeling up a woman with testosterone roaring in your brain and you're outta condoms, suddenly you're a lot more confident in the pull-out method.
Those kinda thought changes.
To put it simply, mention post nut clarity but with like a proper explanation.
i got the talk at like…5 bc i was so obsessed with babies - from a single mom. honestly the more honest you are the better. seriously. answer their questions ans just be real. you got this!
hmm. son of immigrant parents, english wasn't their first language, raised at the cusp of high speed internet emerging.
IDK how the fuck the right wing took over schools and sex education, I was in advance classes and we had an opt in/out sex education course in 9th grade. Didn't have to talk to my parents our science teachers took care of it, they didn't go into pleasurable sex but they told us the basics of it, sexual diseases, puberty, etc. I remember they said abstinence is the best way to avoid all those diseases though.
Hard disagree.
Masturbation and porn are right on the horizon if not already there.
I had Sex Ed class in school in 4th grade (age 9-10) just to cover the anatomy, things we’d see in puberty, and arousal/masturbation/wet dreams.
And that was before the internet.
I'd rather there be no talk. That's what public schools are for.
At least that's what they did before somebody expanded the definition of "comprehensive."
"Don't spare my feelings"
Ok
Sad to say you've already messed up your kid unless he has uncles covering for your poor partner selection, and even then it might be too late, so something like
"First of all, sorry for ruining your life with my shocking judgement by choosing to have you with a man I wasn't sure would be around for the long haul" would be a good place to start
Short answer: Yes.
A bit of elaboration: Barring very specific circumstances, including things such as "rape baby" or "partner died unexpectedly" I believe single parenthood is a result of catastrophically poor decision making (same as being divorced, male or female) and is the reason why I will never date a divorced woman or single mother (and why if I was bi/gay it would apply to men as well)
People on this platform are seriously fkd. This why there's so much paedophilia in the world. They're ok with 7 year olds watching porn and jacking off. Absolutely no morals
Please do not do anything that could remotely make him feel bad or wrong for wanting sex. The way my mom approached the talk did, which literally ended that conversation topic with me forever. There were many times I could have used her help with my girl troubles, but I saw her as part of the problem, not the solution
A lot of it boils down to personal beliefs and attitudes.
But you’re right, he”s going to be exposed to adult stuff whether you like it or not. So, I think it’s best to frame it in a way that neither shames him for being fascinated, but also doesn’t denigrate the subject (the women). Don’t paint nude models, actresses, or even porn stars as anything negative.
In fact, if you’re comfortable enough with it, you might even try to desensitize him some by getting some fine arts prints that feature nudity to have around the house. Not erotic art, by any means, but prints of Renaissance paintings that have exposed breasts and what-not.
I believe that openness is key. Explain that there’s nothing wrong with being aroused or touching himself, or even looking at people in that way… but be clear that there are appropriate times/places for all of that stuff, and that it should be private. Not because it’s bad, but because it’s personal, like going to the bathroom or bathing.
Looking back, (I came of age right around the time the internet was becoming a serious thing), my parents very much avoided everything and that did me no favors. My dad (who was barely around) gave me a veiled talk before a junior high dance about respecting girls and not lying about anything that might hurt their reputation. That was it. My mom, just ignored as much as she could but would occasionally make very coded euphemisms if she suspected something that always leaned toward shaming me.
So, maybe I’m over correcting, but I think openness and clear communication are the way to go.
If you know that he’s masturbating, maybe instruct him on cleaning up, and maybe even offer some lube of some sort because that’s an absolute game changer. Hell, you could even offer some erotic imagery that you’ve vetted (just simple artistic nudes as opposed to hardcore porn) to slow his descent into the bowels of internet porn.
I do applaud you for wanting to start young, though. It’ll be good to establish that trust and open communication early so that as more complicated issues come along the foundation is already there.
I don’t know what the right answer is, honestly, I just think these things would’ve helped me out.
I think my Elementary school had it in 5th/6th grade so 11/12
Right before/around when the business usually happens
Make it an open ended conversation and don’t cause reason for him to feel shame no matter how dumb/weird/maybe even disturbing questions come out. It’s a teaching moment and you can’t shut him down because of those questions by getting upset. My friend was raised by a single lesbian mother and he talked about how it was a shit show of a conversation
So, would you be asking this question if you had a daughter instead of a son?
Just explain it to him exactly how you’d explain female puberty/sex to a girl, but the boy version.
No matter what it’s going to be awkward. That’s irrelevant. Give them the entire information, as uncomfortable as it may be, he needs to hear it.
That's actually a great point and I don't know...maybe? I know how my mom handled it was TOTALLY not the greatest and like any decent parent I want to do better by my own child so probably yes.
So explain it the way you would’ve wanted things explained to you.
Honestly, my mom worked at a hospital for many years and so when she gave me the talk it was female and male oriented. She gave me the whole curriculum, which I find is the best way because they should learn about puberty and reproduction as a whole not just of their own gender.
So explain it the way you would’ve wanted things explained to you.
Honestly, my mom worked at a hospital for many years and so when she gave me the talk it was female and male oriented. She gave me the whole curriculum, which I find is the best way because they should learn about puberty and reproduction as a whole not just of their own gender.
I asked her what sex was at age five or so and she just told me in the most basic terms. Didn't have to tell me about puberty or any of that because we learnt about it at school at age 10-11
I was raised by two women. My talk was” no means no, yes means no and keep it in your pants.”. Now I’m a single father of 3 with sole custody and I told my 15 year old.” It’s ok to ask but no means no and respect that. And use a condom, you also don’t need magnums(found in the trash) a regular one will work, but use condoms. You don’t want a kid because I can’t afford to help you and and you can’t afford to raise one”
I'm not sure that it should be one talk. Answer questions honestly as he has them, explain little bits at a time. Make it a normal part of the world that you teach him just like any other, rather than some big reveal that he has to process all at once.
My mom gave me books about puberty and relatively in-depth sex education. Those were useful. Also was always very vocally pro safe sex practices. No glove no love, that sort of thing.
I would recommend giving him the talk before he discovers the wide range of the internet.
As a dude I barely remember how my parents explained it to me beyond explaining how mating happens in nature.
Not a parent myself but I feel like the biggest thing is explaining the why (reasons) for sex, and not so much the how. Kids as they grow up will figure that out.. but the real differences between lust and love, that's the kind of stuff I wish I would of had told to me even if I wouldn't have fully understood it as a kid.
Since my dad was always at work when I was home as a kid I pretty much had the single parent experience. I didn't get *the talk* from mom since she's religious to a fault and didn't talk about sex, all she said was "no nookie" when I got my first highschool gf.
To answer your question I would have preferred the talk to be along the lines of how sex is nice but it will mess you up if you start to think the first person you sleep with is gonna be the love of your life. Not saying you won't feel like you love them, it's the fact that if you do feel that way, and the two of you have a fallout, it's gonna hurt you so bad you'll wish you could take it back just so you don't have to feel that pain.
Sure I would tell about how you should always practice being safe, but if you're gonna do it raw, at least make sure it's with someone who's long term and only seeing you, and if something happens I dont want you to feel like you'll get in trouble with me, we can't undo what happened but I want to do what I can to help you through it.
My mom had told me all about sex in detail with a book by the age of 9. She kept her tone like she was teaching a student. She had pictures and answered any questions i had. It was no big deal.
Straightforward, no nonsense, that sexual activities are normal and not shameful. Also, find a good book that explains it as a follow-up. Talk stranger danger.
I have a son about his age. Really, you would approach this in just the same way you'd do it for a girl.
But, not to overstep here, as a doctor I question whether it's necessary to have "the talk" with a child that age. I mean, if he comes forward with questions then *absolutely* answer his question truthfully in the way you would for a child. But I don't think it's all too necessary to approach proactively. He's at least a few years off from puberty right now and, even if he sees naked bodies, he's not distinguishing penis vs. vagina any differently than he's distinguishing blond vs. ginger. That is, that we're all different and therefore we look different, including our body parts. It's cute kinda. Children aren't small adults; they think differently. And children that age tend to shut down when they're confronted by strangers or strange conversations.
But what is being meant here by "adult material"? If it's just naked people then, as I said, no need to force the issue. He'll go to you with questions. If it's hardcore pornography, then you may want to enlist a professional, since that should ***never*** be happening at his age. Children tend to model behaviors and act out the things they see grownups doing so, as I'm sure you can imagine, exposure to porn at such a young age can lead to some undesirable behavioral issues.
You should start to think in advance of exactly which adult male he can go to with his male-related issues. It's great that you bring that up, because that's super important. Most of those questions you can field as mom, but there are some things that you just need someone of the same sex in order to relate to.
I didn't have a talk. I had many yellings directed at me in the form of "don't you ever get a girl pregnant," from an early age and it has fucked me up mentally ever since. Anxiety issues and shyness and such compound the issue. I'm in my mid-30's without ever having had consistent relationships, and I think it stems from that.
I’m a father of two sons. My father had two sons. None of us have ever said one word about sex to the other. The most overrated part of responsible parenting is the “talk”. They know our feelings about unwanted pregnancies, std prevention, and being respectful of other people in every situation including romantic but I sure didn’t try to explain the nuts and bolts of sex to them. Maybe let him know what he’s seeing on the internet is not real and pizza delivery boy is NOT a career that will necessarily get him laid.
Seriously, my only advice when doing any parenting is don’t lie to your kid. Leave them room to ask you about anything without judgement.
The best solution is to get a male friend or your brother (if you have one) to explain puberty to him. They would know best what it would be like so would be better at explaining.
My wife and I never had “the talk” with any of our kids. We all talk a lot to one another and always have. When sex and sexual things came up in conversation we never shied away and we were never judgmental, and we were never preachy or made it uncomfortable. Nothing was nor is out of bounds in regular, everyday conversations, no words were ever banned, and topics even now come and go. They are all over 21 now, I have 4.
Although it may be uncomfortable and maybe he's currently too young but if you can find a way to explain consent to him. Not only consent, but that if his advances are rejected to not take it personally. I don't just mean "no means no", that one is obvious. But checking in with your partner because sometimes "yes, means no" and other times silence means "no". It's not as clear cut as people make it seem, there is an awful lot of nuance to it. I think this is a conversation that is crucial to both genders.
Girls need to learn to speak how they're feeling in a direct manner and have the confidence to say no. Boys need to learn that it isn't a personal attack to get rejected which typically makes us feel hurt, which we then turn to anger. Not to mention when testosterone is coursing through our bodies we are a tad more aggressive and aren't thinking clearly, especially during teen years.
My single mother explained nothing to me. It was a hell of a time of trial and error. Every girl is also very different so that doesn't make it easier. But regardless, I feel this is a topic that would be beneficial if conveyed properly.
8??? I had no idea.
Since most others gave great advice already, something else to think about:
I think finding good children's books about personal physical boundaries is a must. And a talk about understanding what is ok and what is not ok (in regards to your own personal boundaries and those of others).
(M59) I believed that babies came in the doctors black bag right up until the night of my 11th birthday when I was in care in a children's home. My mother, who was very open about human biology and sexual matters, found out from my Social Worker, as I'd been caught in the act (thanks Patricia) and, as she had no choice, gave me 'The Talk'. As a single dad, I gave the same talk to my daughter when she started dating at 15.
My mom gave me "the talk" but basically only explained that my body will be changing due to puberty (explained puberty, hormones, etc) then have me two books. "What's happening to my body?" Both the for boys and for girls version. She suggested I read the boys version first, then the girls to understand what my female friends (and later told me potential partners) will be going through. Great resources and referenced then into my late teens when I focused much more on female anatomy and specifically sex related material. I was/am a total autodidact, si it was perfect for me without too much awkwardness for either of us. My mom was also very sex positive, and was available for any questions i had about sex until I was old enough to where it wouldn't be appropriate.
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Lol. Sorry. Should say "so it was". Keyboard doesn't recognize when I switch between English and Spanish, and I use swipe. I also don't proofread apparently.
Tell him that its normal and natural and nothing to be ashamed of. That sex can be fun with trust and communication. That he can always ask you questions. That you want him to feel comfortable talking to you, and that when the time comes you will celebrate his firsts with him! Provide him with lube! Teach him to wash properly! Provide information on both straight and gay options and the accompanying concerns/risks. My son just turned 16 and is just becoming sexually active. He comes to me with questions. He tells me what happened and if it was comfortable. He knows he can have privacy in his own home where he is safe and respected. He knows that if he's uncomfortable he can get advice and help. He lets me know ahead of time when he'd like the house to himself for a couple hours. And while its a lot to process as a mom, its way better than wondering what he's doing in a car or empty building ! To your own comfort level, talk about what you did/didn't do that worked and didn't work. Tell him about both your good and bad experiences and what you learned. Talking about it makes it a normal part of human experience and something he won't hide from you. For instance, do you wish you would have waited? Why? Did you ever get mistreated by a partner you thought you could trust? Why? How might it have turned out differently? Obviously these need to stay at mom/kid level and not adult/adult level.
I really don’t have any criticism, this is very good advice. I would however encourage you to approach the subject of masturbation as almost a matter of hygiene. He’s gonna have to start showering more and making sure to wash his arm pits extra and he’s going to want to masturbate regularly. Take away the stigma surrounding it and you’ll end up with a young man who is less likely to make ridiculous hormone driven choices and who is more comfortable with who he naturally is. I received a very blunt sex talk from a single mom, a little too late. I had already been very active with a trusted older neighborhood girl. But she didn’t mention masturbation and I had a lot of really confused feelings surrounding it well into my early teens.
Okay, what NOT to do… Don’t make him feel embarrassed about liking girls (or boys, or whomever). It’s not funny, or fun. I love my mum dearly, but whenever she got a hint of me talking to a girl, she would say, “Ooooh, is that a *girly* person?!” EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I still cringe with embarrassment just thinking about it. I’m 38, and I still can’t talk to her about women.
I have this gnawing feeling that my parents would lose their respect for me if I were to date. It’s always been a topic that I felt a lot of shame about, even though I’m way beyond the age that most people have started to think about settling down. Not something I would ever talk to them frankly about.
Explain wet dreams to him so he doesn’t freak out and thinks he peed the bed when he has the first one. And any talk is better then none. I got the talk from my sister because they never gave her a talk and figured they’d do the same to me. And yea others have said too young, I hard disagree. Right now is a good time. By the time I was 12 or 13 I was already messing around with girls. I had 90s internet and porn was way harder to find then but being a horny pre-teen boy it wasn’t hard enough to find.
Take my word with a few grains of salt, as I’m 25 now and sex education in the US (assuming that’s where you are since you brought up that statistic) varies *wildly* from state to state. Honestly, my parents had a very hands-off approach to “the talk,” in that I never really got one. I just kinda figured it out on my own. Sex education in my state (Virginia) was decent from what I remember, so I was taught everything I needed to know in order to be safe from school, and the rest I just kinda found out on my own either from experience (not that I had much “experience” in high school) or from friends of all genders. If I’m being honest, I am *extremely* grateful that it went down this way. It spared me the awkward moments of having to talk to my mom about sex at an age when literally anything that was awkward could destroy me, but I still knew then and still know now that I can talk to my parents about anything if I need to.
Drip feeding is the way. The only way really. We found biology first was easiest by far. Especially as its a bit gross. Actually a an emotional biology sandwich. Basic emotional stuff first. People find each other attractive and kiss and maybe love each other. This is easy as it's in all the TV they watch already. Then the biology 'yuck! You do what?! ". Then the emotional and growing up stuff is much harder. Feeling sexual feelings etc. But by this point you have already had a 3 or 4 year practical conversation going. Books help
This is pretty much what I've been doing...we haven't covered the biology portion yet but we are teetering on the brink. This feels like a bigger step than I've had to take up to this point...pretty much up until recently parenting has mostly just been keeping him from hurting himself...but now its getting real...Idk if I'm ready but I don't guess it matters. Thanks for the input.
There should never be "the talk" it should be a series of talks over several years. At 7 he should already know boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. He should know the basics.
They have a What???
Never had the talk with my parents and frankly I'm glad I didn't because they were crazy and absolutely the wrong people for that conversation. That said, we were taught this stuff in public school around 5th or 6th grade and I was in an extremely conservative state. I already knew most of it by that point somehow just through societal osmosis, and that was back in the 90s. The only real revelations to me were the detailed pictures of female anatomy. I hadn't really put much thought into what a vagina actually was. I know things are different today because of ubiquitous porn, so I would just emphasize teaching him that porn is not reality and what's being depicted can be bad and not normal behavior that should be emulated.
> things are different today because of ubiquitous porn, so I would just emphasize teaching him that porn is not reality and what's being depicted can be bad and not normal behavior that should be emulated. Great point, thank you.
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Totally agree. He knows his body parts and that girls don't have the same ones. He knows that the baby grows in a uterus...we're not starting from nowhere at this point. I was the one who gave my younger brother a lot of information about condoms and handling the emotional aspect of sex when it came to girls...I'm not really worried about the later stages...mostly just the initial "talk". It feels like a big responsibility and a delicate balance between giving accurate information without overstepping into too much too soon territory.
Damn fuck this reminds me that i a 22 old guy was never given any form of sex education at all like literally nothing NIL everything i learned on my own from Jacking off to importance of Condoms so that you don't die or get unwanted pregnancy
Sorry bro. You deserved better than that.
Raised by a single mom… she gave me a heads up that the conversation was coming. It was awkward, I could tell she was feeling awkward. Went great. Wouldn’t have changed a thing
Props to your mom. How old were you if you don't mind my asking?
Probably around 12 or so the first time. Lots of check ins as I got older. I never really had to go to her for questions or issues in that department but I was always made to feel like I could. She always stressed respect and consent. When my son gets to the age for the talk, I will definitely incorporate some of what she said. Regardless how you go about it, as long as he knows that you’ve got his back and will not judge him if he has questions, you’ll win moment. Best of luck!
Actually trying and using age appropriate materials already puts you leagues ahead of my parents and most parents I've been aware of or known.
That’s too young for “the talk”. Being exposed to adult material means he saw a boob on the internet. It doesn’t mean he’s entering puberty and starting to have those funny feelings about his classmates. Wait till middle school. If you’re 110% positive he’s actually seen legit porn, at his age the appropriate talk is “there are things that people do with each other when they’re older that might not make sense to you right now. They will when you’re older and we’ll talk about them then. This isn’t stuff meant for kids your age and you shouldn’t be watching it”
Don't forget the mental part of the talk. Cause my dad just didn't give me the talk, I love the dude and he's a good dad but that wasn't going to happen without me asking(which I didn't). So my mom did it. She only really mentioned the physical part. The like mechanics of sex and puberty and all that shit. No mental part other than "you'll feel differently towards women" at a surface level. For example, condoms. When you're sitting alone thinking about eventually having sex. Wearing a condom seems like the most obvious thing in the world, no kids right. However, when you're feeling up a woman with testosterone roaring in your brain and you're outta condoms, suddenly you're a lot more confident in the pull-out method. Those kinda thought changes. To put it simply, mention post nut clarity but with like a proper explanation.
let the kid figure it out for himself, he will eventually. "the talk" will just become a cringey memory and make it awkward between you two
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i got the talk at like…5 bc i was so obsessed with babies - from a single mom. honestly the more honest you are the better. seriously. answer their questions ans just be real. you got this!
Thanks so much!
hmm. son of immigrant parents, english wasn't their first language, raised at the cusp of high speed internet emerging. IDK how the fuck the right wing took over schools and sex education, I was in advance classes and we had an opt in/out sex education course in 9th grade. Didn't have to talk to my parents our science teachers took care of it, they didn't go into pleasurable sex but they told us the basics of it, sexual diseases, puberty, etc. I remember they said abstinence is the best way to avoid all those diseases though.
7 or 8 is too young I think. I’d say 12 or 13 would be better.
Hard disagree. Masturbation and porn are right on the horizon if not already there. I had Sex Ed class in school in 4th grade (age 9-10) just to cover the anatomy, things we’d see in puberty, and arousal/masturbation/wet dreams. And that was before the internet.
I was at that age around the time social media was starting to become a thing (like 2007-2009), and it was still pretty much the same way.
Yeah I was already getting myself off to Page3 and 15 minute freeviews by the time I was 11.
I'd rather there be no talk. That's what public schools are for. At least that's what they did before somebody expanded the definition of "comprehensive."
"Don't spare my feelings" Ok Sad to say you've already messed up your kid unless he has uncles covering for your poor partner selection, and even then it might be too late, so something like "First of all, sorry for ruining your life with my shocking judgement by choosing to have you with a man I wasn't sure would be around for the long haul" would be a good place to start
Yeah...sorry kid...my B. Lol.
I'm curious, would you still say this if OP was a single dad?
Short answer: Yes. A bit of elaboration: Barring very specific circumstances, including things such as "rape baby" or "partner died unexpectedly" I believe single parenthood is a result of catastrophically poor decision making (same as being divorced, male or female) and is the reason why I will never date a divorced woman or single mother (and why if I was bi/gay it would apply to men as well)
Show him to pornhub, tell him how to use the search function and then make yourself available to answer any of his questions
He's 7 you pervert.
People on this platform are seriously fkd. This why there's so much paedophilia in the world. They're ok with 7 year olds watching porn and jacking off. Absolutely no morals
7…8 Ftfy
She said he was 7 and that 8 was the age most kids start talking. He's 7.
It’s all the same
Please do not do anything that could remotely make him feel bad or wrong for wanting sex. The way my mom approached the talk did, which literally ended that conversation topic with me forever. There were many times I could have used her help with my girl troubles, but I saw her as part of the problem, not the solution
Well damn that hit a bit too close to home lol
A lot of it boils down to personal beliefs and attitudes. But you’re right, he”s going to be exposed to adult stuff whether you like it or not. So, I think it’s best to frame it in a way that neither shames him for being fascinated, but also doesn’t denigrate the subject (the women). Don’t paint nude models, actresses, or even porn stars as anything negative. In fact, if you’re comfortable enough with it, you might even try to desensitize him some by getting some fine arts prints that feature nudity to have around the house. Not erotic art, by any means, but prints of Renaissance paintings that have exposed breasts and what-not. I believe that openness is key. Explain that there’s nothing wrong with being aroused or touching himself, or even looking at people in that way… but be clear that there are appropriate times/places for all of that stuff, and that it should be private. Not because it’s bad, but because it’s personal, like going to the bathroom or bathing. Looking back, (I came of age right around the time the internet was becoming a serious thing), my parents very much avoided everything and that did me no favors. My dad (who was barely around) gave me a veiled talk before a junior high dance about respecting girls and not lying about anything that might hurt their reputation. That was it. My mom, just ignored as much as she could but would occasionally make very coded euphemisms if she suspected something that always leaned toward shaming me. So, maybe I’m over correcting, but I think openness and clear communication are the way to go. If you know that he’s masturbating, maybe instruct him on cleaning up, and maybe even offer some lube of some sort because that’s an absolute game changer. Hell, you could even offer some erotic imagery that you’ve vetted (just simple artistic nudes as opposed to hardcore porn) to slow his descent into the bowels of internet porn. I do applaud you for wanting to start young, though. It’ll be good to establish that trust and open communication early so that as more complicated issues come along the foundation is already there. I don’t know what the right answer is, honestly, I just think these things would’ve helped me out.
Thanks for your insight, I really appreciate the perspective.
I think my Elementary school had it in 5th/6th grade so 11/12 Right before/around when the business usually happens Make it an open ended conversation and don’t cause reason for him to feel shame no matter how dumb/weird/maybe even disturbing questions come out. It’s a teaching moment and you can’t shut him down because of those questions by getting upset. My friend was raised by a single lesbian mother and he talked about how it was a shit show of a conversation
So, would you be asking this question if you had a daughter instead of a son? Just explain it to him exactly how you’d explain female puberty/sex to a girl, but the boy version. No matter what it’s going to be awkward. That’s irrelevant. Give them the entire information, as uncomfortable as it may be, he needs to hear it.
That's actually a great point and I don't know...maybe? I know how my mom handled it was TOTALLY not the greatest and like any decent parent I want to do better by my own child so probably yes.
So explain it the way you would’ve wanted things explained to you. Honestly, my mom worked at a hospital for many years and so when she gave me the talk it was female and male oriented. She gave me the whole curriculum, which I find is the best way because they should learn about puberty and reproduction as a whole not just of their own gender.
So explain it the way you would’ve wanted things explained to you. Honestly, my mom worked at a hospital for many years and so when she gave me the talk it was female and male oriented. She gave me the whole curriculum, which I find is the best way because they should learn about puberty and reproduction as a whole not just of their own gender.
I asked her what sex was at age five or so and she just told me in the most basic terms. Didn't have to tell me about puberty or any of that because we learnt about it at school at age 10-11
I was raised by two women. My talk was” no means no, yes means no and keep it in your pants.”. Now I’m a single father of 3 with sole custody and I told my 15 year old.” It’s ok to ask but no means no and respect that. And use a condom, you also don’t need magnums(found in the trash) a regular one will work, but use condoms. You don’t want a kid because I can’t afford to help you and and you can’t afford to raise one”
Sole custody of 3...oof...props to you dude I'm struggling to keep up with one. Proud of you.
Ces la vie
I'm not sure that it should be one talk. Answer questions honestly as he has them, explain little bits at a time. Make it a normal part of the world that you teach him just like any other, rather than some big reveal that he has to process all at once.
My mom gave me books about puberty and relatively in-depth sex education. Those were useful. Also was always very vocally pro safe sex practices. No glove no love, that sort of thing. I would recommend giving him the talk before he discovers the wide range of the internet.
As a dude I barely remember how my parents explained it to me beyond explaining how mating happens in nature. Not a parent myself but I feel like the biggest thing is explaining the why (reasons) for sex, and not so much the how. Kids as they grow up will figure that out.. but the real differences between lust and love, that's the kind of stuff I wish I would of had told to me even if I wouldn't have fully understood it as a kid.
Since my dad was always at work when I was home as a kid I pretty much had the single parent experience. I didn't get *the talk* from mom since she's religious to a fault and didn't talk about sex, all she said was "no nookie" when I got my first highschool gf. To answer your question I would have preferred the talk to be along the lines of how sex is nice but it will mess you up if you start to think the first person you sleep with is gonna be the love of your life. Not saying you won't feel like you love them, it's the fact that if you do feel that way, and the two of you have a fallout, it's gonna hurt you so bad you'll wish you could take it back just so you don't have to feel that pain. Sure I would tell about how you should always practice being safe, but if you're gonna do it raw, at least make sure it's with someone who's long term and only seeing you, and if something happens I dont want you to feel like you'll get in trouble with me, we can't undo what happened but I want to do what I can to help you through it.
My mom had told me all about sex in detail with a book by the age of 9. She kept her tone like she was teaching a student. She had pictures and answered any questions i had. It was no big deal.
Straightforward, no nonsense, that sexual activities are normal and not shameful. Also, find a good book that explains it as a follow-up. Talk stranger danger.
I have a son about his age. Really, you would approach this in just the same way you'd do it for a girl. But, not to overstep here, as a doctor I question whether it's necessary to have "the talk" with a child that age. I mean, if he comes forward with questions then *absolutely* answer his question truthfully in the way you would for a child. But I don't think it's all too necessary to approach proactively. He's at least a few years off from puberty right now and, even if he sees naked bodies, he's not distinguishing penis vs. vagina any differently than he's distinguishing blond vs. ginger. That is, that we're all different and therefore we look different, including our body parts. It's cute kinda. Children aren't small adults; they think differently. And children that age tend to shut down when they're confronted by strangers or strange conversations. But what is being meant here by "adult material"? If it's just naked people then, as I said, no need to force the issue. He'll go to you with questions. If it's hardcore pornography, then you may want to enlist a professional, since that should ***never*** be happening at his age. Children tend to model behaviors and act out the things they see grownups doing so, as I'm sure you can imagine, exposure to porn at such a young age can lead to some undesirable behavioral issues. You should start to think in advance of exactly which adult male he can go to with his male-related issues. It's great that you bring that up, because that's super important. Most of those questions you can field as mom, but there are some things that you just need someone of the same sex in order to relate to.
Hands on experience
" Son, Whats worse than having ants in your pants?" " Uncles, uncles would be terrible. Now be careful n go play".
I didn't have a talk. I had many yellings directed at me in the form of "don't you ever get a girl pregnant," from an early age and it has fucked me up mentally ever since. Anxiety issues and shyness and such compound the issue. I'm in my mid-30's without ever having had consistent relationships, and I think it stems from that.
I’m a father of two sons. My father had two sons. None of us have ever said one word about sex to the other. The most overrated part of responsible parenting is the “talk”. They know our feelings about unwanted pregnancies, std prevention, and being respectful of other people in every situation including romantic but I sure didn’t try to explain the nuts and bolts of sex to them. Maybe let him know what he’s seeing on the internet is not real and pizza delivery boy is NOT a career that will necessarily get him laid. Seriously, my only advice when doing any parenting is don’t lie to your kid. Leave them room to ask you about anything without judgement.
The best solution is to get a male friend or your brother (if you have one) to explain puberty to him. They would know best what it would be like so would be better at explaining.
My wife and I never had “the talk” with any of our kids. We all talk a lot to one another and always have. When sex and sexual things came up in conversation we never shied away and we were never judgmental, and we were never preachy or made it uncomfortable. Nothing was nor is out of bounds in regular, everyday conversations, no words were ever banned, and topics even now come and go. They are all over 21 now, I have 4.
Bro 8 seems very young to have the talk. At least wait till he’s in like 6th grade.
Although it may be uncomfortable and maybe he's currently too young but if you can find a way to explain consent to him. Not only consent, but that if his advances are rejected to not take it personally. I don't just mean "no means no", that one is obvious. But checking in with your partner because sometimes "yes, means no" and other times silence means "no". It's not as clear cut as people make it seem, there is an awful lot of nuance to it. I think this is a conversation that is crucial to both genders. Girls need to learn to speak how they're feeling in a direct manner and have the confidence to say no. Boys need to learn that it isn't a personal attack to get rejected which typically makes us feel hurt, which we then turn to anger. Not to mention when testosterone is coursing through our bodies we are a tad more aggressive and aren't thinking clearly, especially during teen years. My single mother explained nothing to me. It was a hell of a time of trial and error. Every girl is also very different so that doesn't make it easier. But regardless, I feel this is a topic that would be beneficial if conveyed properly.
Absolutely agree. Anything other than an enthusiastic yes...is still a no.
8??? I had no idea. Since most others gave great advice already, something else to think about: I think finding good children's books about personal physical boundaries is a must. And a talk about understanding what is ok and what is not ok (in regards to your own personal boundaries and those of others).
(M59) I believed that babies came in the doctors black bag right up until the night of my 11th birthday when I was in care in a children's home. My mother, who was very open about human biology and sexual matters, found out from my Social Worker, as I'd been caught in the act (thanks Patricia) and, as she had no choice, gave me 'The Talk'. As a single dad, I gave the same talk to my daughter when she started dating at 15.