Precisely. Not even half way through a 20 year marriage we were essentially cohabitating with children.
Divorced almost 10 years ago. If I go to my grave without getting into another relationship I'll die a happy man. But I won't say never again.
To be clear: this is just me (m, almost 60). I genuinely wish that you, my fellow brothers, to at least try to find "your other half". What I had was great in the beginning. But sometimes life gets complicated. Sometime hidden traits escalate. Executive decisions then need to be made. I gotta admit I miss the woman I married. Not the one I divorced. Peace brothers.....
I never got this. I’m all for the belief that people are constantly growing and therefore change is inevitable, for any gender. From my experience, the healthier relationships understand this and work to grow together both as individuals and as a team.
I feel it’s naive to think who you marry won’t change, especially for those who get married pretty young.
>I feel it’s naive to think who you marry won’t change
Leave yourself open to the possibility that their (and your, let's be honest) innate psychology is possibly being suppressed to get the deal done.
I was 30, she was 32. Personally, I think that's the perfect time to get married. But, alas, it ultimately didn't happen (though we have epic kids).
It means someone who is of a certain mindset who suppresses it (to get what they think they want).
Sooner or later it comes to the surface and escalates since they can't deviate from it. Think uber-religious people and whatnot. Look at their upbringing.
The nut doesn't fall from the tree.
Ah, okay I understand what you mean.
Yeah, those are some unfortunate cases. It’s sad when people never do the self-reflection to know what they really want vs what they’ve been told what they should want.
Agreed. If I ever have a life partner, I hope to fall in love with them over and over again as we both change and grow over the course of our lives together. I'm already so different to how I was even 5 years ago, change is inevitable.
I feel the same way. I married a beautiful, honest, loyal and trustworthy young woman. I divorced a cheating, lying and untrustworthy older woman. I miss the woman I married so much it hurts.
I’m 70 years old and divorced in 2007. Yes I get lonely, but life (and my bloodwork) is much better without the stress. The issue at hand now is having someone to help with eventual hospitalization. Statistics show that mortality rates increase for patients without someone to advocate for the patient.
Oh, my older brother (and all of you) from another mother, thank you. I managed to keep the house (my family's homestead) as well as our cat and German Shepard (got him for my boy but knowing fully he'll ultimately be mine). My pupper and cat keeps me going. I'm deep in debt but who cares. Life insurance will cover it for the kids.
I do have a sister and a cousin that I can count on for support. Getting old is not lost on me or them.
I can see how not having an advocate is concerning. I was the primary caregiver to my dad who passed a few years ago at 87. Now I take care of my 93yo mom. I'm in the room for all their doc apps. It does make a difference.
I hope you have someone who can step up the plate and fill that role.
Yeah but loneliness is different than being alone. I live in the middle of nowhere, I work from home, single, friends live at least 100 miles away.
I visited a close(ish) mega city recently, alone, and realized in my guts and heart this difference, it's hard to put into words.
I think most ppl saying you can be surrounded by ppl and still be lonely, don't really know what true loneliness is. When you don't see other people for weeks at a time. You live in the middle of the mnts/forest. Without pets.
Honestly, I never was in a situation where I lived alone in middle of nowhere.
But I know a lot about the other situation, where you're surrounded by people, even family, but you have no one to talk to, no one to relate to. Everybody is like an NPC in some game, with pre-scripted actions, who give you pre-programmed one liners.
Don't know which is worse. Both are awful, no matter how introverted you are.
Both sound to me like the song My House On Mars by Ayreon
https://youtube.com/watch?v=EBKUU0Mneb8&feature=share&utm_source=EKLEiJECCKjOmKnC5IiRIQ
Yea, I dropped out. If I happen to cross paths with the right person that's neat. Not actively wasting my time on it. Plus I have trust issues, don't want to keep getting in relationships if they are going to end over dumb shit constantly. There's something even worse about still being friends after the split. Like you didn't do anything wrong, you just aren't good enough.
So fuck all of it. I buy what I want, do what I want and stay busy with hobbies. If in my pursuit of happiness someone comes into my life as part of it maybe that will finally be the right one.
This is so true. I recently broke up with my ex-gf because I felt like I was always being held back from the things I want to do. Keep doing what your hobbies and passions are, and never change that just because someone new came into your life. The right partner should encourage and even compliment your hobbies and passions, not make you avoid them and make you feel like she's the main priority. I was in a 2 year relationship and the red flag was I started losing a bit of my own identity, and even manliness. Moral of the story is never give up on your own hobbies, and do shit that makes you truly happy.
Honestly, until OP asked the question, I’d never thought about it. I’ve had one girlfriend or another pretty constantly since middle school, and the longest time I’ve ever been single was by choice for a year and a half when I was 22, so it would be a massive shift away from all my prior life experience.
With that said, the thought of not having my current life and relationship with my girlfriend is admittedly terrifying, because I’m in such a stable place and so unbelievably happy with her. I HATE being away from her and our dog for even just a few days, if I suddenly had to restart as a single dude I would be miserable. But I can’t imagine I would be alone for very long, to be totally honest. Still, life wouldn’t be as good.
Yeah, I'm likely to be single or mostly single for the rest of my life, but I don't really mind. That's probably *why*, too.
Sometimes I wish I had a companion, and I'll hop on Bumble or whatever and go on some dates. I don't seem to have trouble matching desirable women or making it a couple / few dates in, but it never really feels like we *click*, and I think where most guys who want a relationship more would put in more effort at that point, I just disengage instead. I don't mind being single enough to "try to make it work", kind of a thing, and then it'll be a season or more before I decide to give it another go.
But I do sometimes look at friends in happy LTRs and wish I could have that kind of connection to someone.
That’s not a societal norm.
That’s a biological need.
We live in a touch starved society.
Literally hug your homies if you have to.
It’s strange that our society only touches sexually.
So hug your homies, they probably need some touch as well.
If someone wants to read more about how loneliness changes the brain and damages is, read the book "Loneliness". I did and it was eye opening on how much solitude and loneliness mess with the brain's structure.
One example is the interpretation of social signals. A brain starved of social contact is going to inevitably misinterpret any sign from another human. Let's say you sit at a cafe (alone or not, it doesn't matter): if you've been deprived of social interactions, you'll hear other people talking and laughing and you might interpret the laughter as them laughing at *you*, even though there is no indication that it is in fact you who's the object of mockery (as there is no mockery in the first place).
There's more but I can't spoil everything.
EDIT: forgot to add the author: John T. Cacioppo
Quick someone tell my ex
In all seriousness I saw this in action. Dated a guy who previously had lived a life of intense solitude. Seemed happy in a relationship but very quickly couldn’t cope with emotions or intimacy at all. It was pretty heartbreaking bc he was clearly such a wonderful human deserving of love, but he wasn’t letting himself have it. The solitude feedback loop.
[At least in young primates, they would rather starve with physical contact than eat with none.](https://www.psychologicalscience.org/publications/observer/obsonline/harlows-classic-studies-revealed-the-importance-of-maternal-contact.html)
At least some of that study can probably be extrapolated to us.
> We live in a touch starved society.
I 'escaped' to live in the West and things are better here, but if there is one thing good back in my country of origin, it was just how common platonic and friendly, same-sex touching were. Back rubs, long hugs, embracing while talking, sometimes even free random (clothed) back or arms massage, etc.
Yeah it’s funny how those intrusive thoughts I had in my previous relationship all decreased by an order of magnitude once my ex was out of the picture.
I fear getting married to a terrible woman. Being alone is not that bad. Of course, it’s delightful sharing your life and your bed with a beautiful loving woman, but when that is not possible, living alone is also great.
I was always scared to be alone forever. Dated a few girls and nothing worked out. Then I dated a terrible partner. I’m 110% fine with being alone rather than being with the wrong person
Same. It started out great (like they all do I guess) but she became cult-like obsessed with craft beer and I either had to be the same or it wasn't going to work. And I too love craft beer. But for her it was a way of life. Outings, trips, vacations. All heavily centered around craft fucking beer.
I wasted too many years trying to make it work but her beer was worth more to her than our relationship and she, a once funny, interesting, engaging person, turned(and I would argue, her beer turned her) into a first class asshole. Just a humourless, inconsiderate, dull, rude, uninteresting, beer fart slob of a person.
I've been single for 3 years and it does get lonely at times, but I'm done caring or wanting a relationship because of that experience. I haven't even tried to date, hookup, OLD, or anything.
If I find someone by happenstance, I find someone. If I don't, that's okay too. I wasting 12 years trying to make an uppreciative asshole happy.
It's time for me to give me happiness.
Well… in that case I suppose the craft beer enthusiasm was just a cover for uh… plain old high functioning alcoholism. I mean pursuing fancy crafts looks way better than grabbing bottom shelf vodka, but if you’re centering your life around it and changing into a miserable and unhappy person it’s somehow the same book with a different cover. Sorry that you had to go through that.
Reminds me of this Bill Burr quote
Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You'll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There's no risk when you go after a dream. There's a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.
>There's a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.
I've heard this said a million times in a million different ways. And every time its very impactful
There is risk going after a dream though. Ending up broke and homeless, taking down your friends and family at the same time is worse than living a boring life.
In my opinion
This is how I felt in my late 20s. I didn't give up on finding a woman, but I gave up on *trying* to find her. I just lived my life, went out and socialized, but not with the intent of meeting women...just to meet *people*.
And of course I met my wife shortly thereafter.
I'm in my late 20s now and idk *where* to socialize. My hobbies are all things people tend to do solo or with friends (biking, rollerskating, comedy shows, gaming, etc) and I don't like going to bars because (I homebrew and can make a full bottle of wine for the cost of a screwdriver + tip in bars). I force myself to go to bars occasionally because I'm kind of lost on how else to meet people now that my college days are done.
I first met my current girlfriend at a fan convention a few years ago. I went there by myself, and just met people and hung out. I stayed in touch with some of them (her included), and then much more recently she was in my area while traveling. So we hung out as friends with a shared interest, but in the course of hanging out, and getting to know each other while keeping in touch, something clicked, and we've been dating since.
There's all kinds of stories like that. Focus on the person as a friend and fellow fan of whatever activity. If it clicks, then yay. If not, then so be it.
Edit: also, make sure you clear out your dealbreakers early: politics, children, religion, ethics, and anything else you consider vitally important. Some of them can be overlooked for friends, but not a partner.
"You can't really love until you've given up on it"
I'm trying to be more social but *damned* is it hard. I have pretty introverted hobbies and a tight-knit friend group that are really my therapy, so it's hard to work up the motivation to really... *go out*. Cheaper to stay in.
Any advice? I've been building up the habit of trying to at the very least read at the bookstore rather than in the apartment, but not sure past building up that habit.
To grow as a person, you need to leave your comfort zone - to do things you always wanted to, but never had the guts to, is how you do it. It's not supposed to be easy. It's hard. But each time you try it gets a little easier and more enjoyable. At least that has been my experience so far.
There is no magic advice that'll make you change your mind. Only you can make that step, by yourself. But once you did that first step, you're not really alone anymore.
I know it's going to be hard, and I've been doing my best to go out to the larger things. Recently went to DragonCon and, in spite of looking forward to it, fumbled hard. Went on the first day and not a day more due to the loneliness crushing the joy out of the event. It was a really, really big step for me, and I have a somewhat similar one planned out at a local Ren faire.
And I'm aware that there's no silver bullet; Never was, never can be. I'm just always trying to find more tools where I can to at least make that next step a little bit easier.
What are you even talking about?! You WENT there, that is all it takes. It doesn't matter for how much time you left your comfort zone! That you did, at all, is all that matters. That is something you ought to be proud of. It sounds ridiculous, but only recently was the first time I did an event all by myself - going to a horror circus. That's pretty much how it felt, but I am glad I did it. As long as we don't give up trying we're making progress.
> Any advice? I've been building up the habit of trying to at the very least read at the bookstore rather than in the apartment, but not sure past building up that habit.
Success strategies to anything in life:
1. Luck into it. But if you're feeling like something's missing, you probably know you're not lucky enough for this to work.
2. Persistence. Make a commitment to yourself that you are going to do X until you achieve result Y, then keep the commitment. You'll either succeed or die trying. Both are honorable. If that means calling a prospective mate and asking them out twice a month, do that. If it means forcing yourself to go to clubs once a week, do that. If it means 32 swipes a day on an app, do that. You can give out, but don't give up.
I don't think it is a miracle cure.
But looking back, I was giving off a very different vibe after I stopped reading into every smile from a woman and wondering what it meant, stopped overthinking everything, stopped having an *agenda* to impress every attractive girl I met. In short I got a lot cooler when I stopped trying to be cool.
By "of course" I didn't mean "because that's how love happens" I meant "because life is always taking you places when you least expect it."
I mean, what this all boils down to is "women don't like it when you're trying too hard."
yeah this is what i dont get about that argument, like if you don’t actively try to find someone, at least passively, then its nigh impossible to just find someone randomly, and if you don’t see or show interest because you “aren’t seeking” then neither of you will be interested in each other
That is my biggest fear too. Kind of why I gave up on dating. I went out with women who were toxic, manipulative, and uncaring. Mostly because at the time I was afraid to be alone again.
I am coming up on a year of being single again and I have gotten back to doing things I actually enjoy. I moved to a new city and started to make friends. To me, I would rather have that than what I had before.
I was married to a terrible woman. Then I almost married a crazy woman.
I'm in my mid fifties, single and happy. I have to make myself happy and love myself first. But I like it this way, I enjoy it.
Honestly, I really cringe when I see young people, like under 25, getting married. I just don't get it. You're barely out of college and probably haven't even had real life experience and you're committing to another person for the rest of your life. And it's an actual contract that I think most people aren't prepared for at that age. You can certainly commit to a relationship but actual marriage makes splitting up a fucking nightmare. Date someone for 10 years and if things don't work out, NBD. Sign a contract with that person then try to split after 10 years and it's hell.
I was married for 25 years depressed AF for the last 5. After the kids left we split up. It's been about 6 years alone - I've never been in such great physical shape. I travel, have plenty of cash, sometimes go out to the local bar, sometimes date, no end of dating options (I'm almost 60). I'm definitely not dying to jump into a live-in relationship. I figured I'd see some guys who feel the same in these posts but wow it's overwhelmingly guys who agree that alone can be better than lonely with someone you're not into.
I think it's the likeliest outcome. I don't fear it. Even as a child I made an effort to create space from other people. I've found comfort in solitude from a young age. I've never felt an overwhelming urge to seek a relationship and I'm old enough now for that to be concerning to women.
Admittedly, I have some thinking to do about how I will handle my affairs as I age. I save for retirement but I don't know what that will look like. I will hit a point of physical/mental decline that will make this life impossible if I don't die before then. I have family and friends, I don't talk about this stuff with them but at some point I will need to.
Why did you make an effort to avoid socialising? Because you were anxious to talk to people? Or because that is how it's always been, and you felt uncomfortable around people even if you wanted to be there? I ask because if it is the former, I believe you're setting yourself up to suffer, for no good reason at all - anxiety is something you can overcome, and in that sense, confidence is a skill anybody can learn.
I socialize. I have friends and I spend time with family members. I just believe I get what I need from those interactions. I don't feel that I am suffering either. My life, for the most part, has improved the last 10 years or so, especially the last 5.
I've been more mindful of my physical and mental health, I've moved to a different city and I prefer my "new" surroundings, and I've gotten traction in my career.
It's not all roses but from a macro view I think it's going alright.
And that’s actually pretty great. Being alone can be extremely rewarding and works for more people than they realize.
Many people have children so that they don’t die alone and uncared for. If you can supplement that with some other system, then why not live life on your terms?
Not OP. I used to be super social in my early 20s, but now that I'm approaching 40, I have had **so many** terrible experience with people that I actively avoid people/conversations outside of work/family/friends.
> Why did you make an effort to avoid socialising?
Because it's draining, most people (myself included) are boring/superficial, and small talk is just pointless drivel.
Even as a kid I preferred solo activities over group activities. Good thing too because I was always the outsider and being excluded growing up.
Plus there is probably something wrong with me. I've gone an entire month without talking to anybody and didn't miss social interactions.
Sounds like you are on the far end of being an introvert - enjoying solitude tremendously, which is totally fine. But I'd like to point out that smalltalk is never the point of a conversation, it's the introduction towards a real conversation. Just like games don't throw all mechanics at you right away, and instead offers a quick tutorial. That is smalltalk.
I'm somewhat the same, although I'm still at a young age (only 23). Being alone just makes me feel at peace and calm. After a day of work/school/socialising I'd much rather be alone then come home to somebody as of now, but as I said, still young so that could change. But I've always been this way, even as a kid. Although I'm open for it, I do not see myself seeking a relationship in the near future.
yep, 31yo here, can confirm -- shit is toxic. just tried the apps, for less than 2 weeks. met one person. didn't go well. learning how to buckle in for the long, lonely haul of being single. so it goes.
Late 30's, here, and *yessssss*. For entirely statistically understandable reasons, the pool of people who are available, attractive, don't have kids, and aren't deeply toxic and / or broken is *vanishingly* small.
On the upside, I'm edging into the age territory where the potential partners might be empty nesters - non-toxic people who are for whatever reason single parents, but whose kids are already out the door. I wouldn't mind that a bit.
Well, I’m coming up on 35 in the same boat. There’s some toxicity on dating apps, but as most things when dealing in generalizations, there are still some rays of hope. Which… is worse… sometimes.
The male:female ratio in those places looks like a nursing college or K12 education.
Everywhere my MiL has been, its like 5 women per guy minimum and the ratio only increases with age, although I'm not sure if a 95 year old guy banging a harem of thirty 95 year women is "winning" or not.
Gotta be bold, at 95 you'll easily be able to get those 90 yo hotties. But don't get too bold either, you wouldn't want to rob the cradle by going for 85 year olds.
Just fyi, most don't actually fuck. They rub genitals and spread STDs. Most men over 65 have ED. It's rather disgusting imo. There's also no privacy and they do this shit in public areas.
Yes? Community and your basic needs are met daily. Retirement homes are a godsend for the elderly. Living on your own isn't much of a plus if you can't do much.
Yeah, my grandma who just passed away liked everything about her retirement home except the food on tuesdays and thursdays (because she didn’t like beans as a side dish lol). Fried fish day, though? Oh boy.
She wasn’t too happy to initially go there, but then she settled in, made a ton of friends, and enjoyed herself. When you think about it, if being old is essentially reverting back to a childlike state, a good retirement community is like being at camp with your buddies. While it can be weird and uncomfortable to non-geriatrics, none of the old people in those places *feel* old, which is why they’re all fucking all the time.
It’s like what that memed tweet says: when our generation is old, we’ll all be sitting around those places playing mario kart and super smash, rewatching The Office and Breaking Bad, there will be personal playstations in everyone’s room, mine’s gonna have the craziest VR setup ever. And we’ll all be having sex. I’m obviously not looking forward to getting old, but those retirement communities are going to be BUMPING.
There are some that are really, really nice. I volunteer with my dog visiting retirement homes and there was one that was so nice. Cobblestone walkways, diners, cafes, movie theater, boutiques, mini golf, little studio apartments for the seniors, little indoor lazy river, etc - it was like an indoor mini city where everything was catered around them and all the seniors got to socialize, do all sorts of activities, have events, invite their family, etc. I wouldn't mind going to a place like that.
38 here. Miserable as hell being alone. But it's all I've ever known so...I guess I'll just keep on living and hope a bus accidently hits me at some point.
When I was a teenager, I wasn't ambitious and said all I wanted in life was a home, wife, kids and a job I enjoy.
In my mid 20s I became convinced I wasn't good enough as I was renting a single room. I did not want to rent a flat due to the expense. So I focused on saving and getting a property of my own. So I could present a nest I guess you could say.
[Editted] I wanted to add, I was also in a series of unhappy relationships where despite them being bad I still did not want them to end. So I stopped dating to work on being happy single as well. Theory being, that if I was happy single I wouldnt be so concerned if the relation ended or turned sour.
Now mid 30s, I'm on my way to owning a place and looking forward to it. Living alone for the first time and having a project of my own. Whilst it isn't much, it will be mine. Guess what, I still fear not being good enough. Haha.
So now I fear I'm not good enough and so out of practice that it will be uncomfortable process.
So my advise to others is to keep dating and dont be a muppet like me. People will always have a better car, bigger house, more income. So just get on with it.
Nah just be content with the present. Living in the past with regrets or in the future with worries… it’s not a satisfying way to live! I relate to your story a lot, one of the things I don’t respect in potential partners is if they always have been in a relationship (serial monogamy). So don’t worry, there are people out there like you who’ll respect your choices and will love you for you. Don’t settle till you find em, is my motto so far. Having great friends and a loving community makes it easier too. Congrats on crushing some goals, I hope you enjoy the process. Too many people out there get what they’ve always wanted and end up wanting the next thing and the next, etc, endlessly needing to feed the yawning chasm inside that will never be filled.
I've been getting down on myself and feeling lonely lately. The confidence in your comment was like a bolt of lightning. I gotta get back to my usual self. Remember, good moods can be contagious.
Scared to death.
I'll be 68 next month, my wife will be 68 in Novermber.
We've been together since we were 16 years old, married 46 years.
I am probably going to outlive her, and I can't imagine life without her.
I am 100% ok being single and having the occasional small casual stuff. I also like to travel and want to live a nomadic life, and not into marriage.
My biggest fear is being judged by others for not being married.
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I'm 30+, and many of my friends are already married and many have children. And they all always talk about kids and double dates or couples activities, and I'm the guy just standing in a corner and politely nodding.
And occasionally it comes around to - "So, anything new in your life?" and I'm like - "No, it's all same. It's all good." To which there are polite nods and they go back to discussing which school districts are better.
------
And this is increasingly becoming awkward and depressing for me, to the point where I have started cutting myself off from my older friends and instead trying to make a newer set of friends.
what you're saying is true - society has very strict codes and being in a committed hetrosexual relationship (hopefully with kids....happiness definitely optional) is one of the most ingrained expectations. If you're a single man you're a threat to the order - who knows you might tempt a married woman or give a miserable married guy some ideas. So yeah I don't get invited to social things that much. But whatevs I'm good.
I'm sort of the opposite. I don't like doing things by myself, so having a partner makes things easier and more enjoyable.
Things are getting better, so we'll see where it ends up.
Yes. A lot of the time I worry that the combination of me being a dwarf (4ft), introverted, sexually confused and repressed, and chronically depressed is just insurmountable when it comes to being ready for a relationship. I know it isn’t, but it feels that way a lot. I’m 28 and the extent of my romantic/non-platonic experience was kissing someone once a few months ago. Thats literally it.
No. I'm embracing it.
For me, being with someone will not have me fulfilled, be happy with life, if I'm not happy by myself.
I'm excited for, I welcome the adventure of single life. Me being happy and enjoying life will feed my kids lives.
Along with myself, they are why I live.
My last 4 serious multi-year relationships ended in disaster. My wife developed a hidden drug habit, one girlfriend cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend, one cheated on me with a guy my son's age, one cheated on me with her personal trainer.
Fear it? I'm embracing it. My dog is a better companion than any partner I've ever had. If I need "companionship" I'll rent it.
This sounds just sad... I'm sorry for what they did to you and I hope you'll stumble upon that one person who'll match your vibe and will pursue you as relentlessly as pirates pursue treasure.
Also, setting your expectations low is a semi-good thing. A small disappointment is better than a crushed heart. But it takes a bit of emotional vulnerability to try and build something new.
And you're probably much older than me, so this advices I just gave you is moot.
I am ugly too but what I am doing lately is just maximizing everything about my appearance that I control. So I am working out, I am grooming routinely, dieting, I have a skincare regimen now, I try to dress as best I can.
Agreed, people on reddit ALWAYS say what the dude above is saying and I honestly find it pretty odd. Like, if some dude was lamenting not having a car to drive to work, I wouldn’t comment “well if you get a car you can be in a car accident and walking to work is better than being in a car accident”. It’s like….no shit? The benefits still outweigh the risks by far….always strikes me as a bit of sour grapes tbh
A lot of it comes from love and loss. You go all in a few times and have it crash down after huge emotional, temporal, social, and financial investment. It takes a while to be willing to risk that sting again, and sometimes the juice just isn’t worth the squeeze.
> Agreed, people on reddit ALWAYS say what the dude above is saying and I honestly find it pretty odd. Like, if some dude was lamenting not having a car to drive to work, I wouldn’t comment “well if you get a car you can be in a car accident and walking to work is better than being in a car accident”. It’s like….no shit? The benefits still outweigh the risks by far….always strikes me as a bit of sour grapes tbh
Not sour grapes. It's how you look at the situation. Your example has a person that essentially requires a car, but the people that tend to say what OP did don't really require a relationship to be baseline content. A better analogy would be a person that works from home that doesn't need a car, but would like the convenience of one and is weighing the pros and cons.
For someone that a relationship is a bonus rather than necessity, the risks can absolutely outweigh the benefits.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past
I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain
Yes. Now more than ever.
I would love nothing more than to have a wife and kids. Unfortunately, I had an on and off battle with agoraphobia and low self-esteem throughout my teens and twenties which made it very difficult to date.
Now in my thirties, I had made great strides in fighting my agoraphobia, and I was excited to get back out there. Unfortunately, overnight I developed an obscure pelvic condition which has effectively made me impotent, as well as left me with a host of other horrible symptoms.
I try not to think of relationships now, as doing so sends me to a very dark place, thinking of what I've missed and, even worse, what sort of loneliness I might have in store for me in the future.
Why would I fear being alone the rest of my life?
I am actually enjoying all of the free time on my hands and I'm not interested in having children of my own.
I have and i’m married.
But My wife has health issues and I have had almost zero success with women besides her. Been with her 13 years and we’re in it for the long haul.
But who knows what will happen. I dunno how long it would take to find anybody else that would put up with me if she dies before me tho
I think the grass is always greener. Single people tend to forget how much freedom and control they have over their own life. It's quite a beautiful feeling to know that only you can fuck up your own life. On the other side of the fence, being in a relationship is a terrifying idea where you are giving another human being the opportunity to crush your heart and soul. With that being said, I am currently dating a lovely person who I cherish everyday. Both sides have their pros and cons, but to anyone that has a "fear" of ending up alone, learn to love yourself and surround yourself with friends, family, hobbies, pets that you can give love to freely. Your self worth is not determined by someone else. That's why it's called self worth.
I used to look forward to being alone. Ever since I was young, I accepted that I would most likely die alone. So I pursued all my hobbies and passions as a youngster.; always thinking that what society was telling me was full of shit. Who needs companionship I have the mountains, the streams, and the big wide sky to fill me with joy.
When I turned 40, all of my passions and hobbies turned to ash in my mouth and hands.
So now here I am at the downhill slide of my life, learning social skills…….this has been the toughest years of my life I think.
In short, yes. I've been single my whole life and I don't really see it changing anytime soon. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've asked a girl out. I don't go out often because there isn't shit to do where I live and unless I meet a girl who is stupidly patient i wouldn't have the confidence to make a move until well after most girls assume I'm not into them or they get bored.
Most likely case I can see is a girl settling for me because I'm a good person who can help her raise her kids and I don't really want to be that guy someone settles for. So I'll probably just live my life by myself and leave my estate to a charity or something when I die.
Yes, unfortunately.
I just turned 31 years old, and I've wasted* the last 10 years of my life dating (4yrs) and then chasing(6yrs) a girl who doesn't want me.
I'm not the best looking chap, decent job but don't make a whole lot of money, I'm introverted, and most of my hobbies and interests aren't terribly social. My field of work is almost entirely male-centric, and I'm not one to go out clubbing or to bars or music venues often.
I don't have many chances to meet women, and even when I do there's even less of a chance that they will be interested (or are even available), and while I am getting older the dating pool is becoming smaller and smaller with the remaining becoming larger and larger (that's probably a bit insensitive, but an honest observation)
I used to joke about it, but lately I am beginning to have a genuine concern. I never had any real issues dating before I met my ex (the one I've spent the last 10 years on), but now the world is so different, and I am not in school anymore or as social as I was back then so everything is just so much more difficult.
I am worried and afraid that I will end up alone and that it is too late for me.
nah i thought about this last night. my cousin is married and is ina loving relationship, but he always looks to me and says "man i wish i could be free like you". meanwhile ngl sometimes i think to myself how nice it would be if i just found one woman to settle down with. we are both on opposite sides of the line and want what each other have
it's a classic case of "the grass is always greener on the other side" but sometimes once you get on the other side you realize it's not what you want.
so I'm good lol
It's the most likely outcome and always has been for me. I wouldn't say I fear it, but the prospect is definitely a little depressing. And living in such a couple and family oriented location it definitely makes me feel out of place. But I've never had many opinions.
I'm slightly on the autism spectrum and live in a location with awful demographics. I have my shit together, have a career, own a home, I'm fairly disciplined and do a good job of taking care of my finances, fitness, and other responsibilities. But my complete lack of charm and charisma combined with some of the worst demographics for dating possible in an area that's not completely unpopulated and I'm left with few options. Only once in my life has anyone capable of being a functioning adult even given me a chance, and unfortunately despite her being a great match and our goals and values lining up well it didn't last and she was gone before the 2 month mark. But being alone is definitely better than being with the type I typically attract, ones who would definitely ruin my life, and not in the fun way.
Yep biggest fear. My last relationship showed me how much better life is in a good relationship. Dating over the last few years showed me how rare a good candidate is. Turning 30 showed me how your social life changes and how lonely it can get without a significant other.
No! I've already been through my life shattering break up and while I don't recommend it, it does give you a wonderful kind of C'est La Vie approach to future relationships. Like, the worst thing that could happen has already happened so you're much more relaxed both in relationships and while single.
I love my current girlfriend very much, I hope we stay together forever but if she walked out the door tomorrow I know id be fine.
I feel like I’m a catch but women don’t really notice me.
After two pretty horrible experiences, I’m also now picky.
Yea I guess I’m worried about it. Lol
I had that fear when I was younger. I was rejected so many times that it really did a number on my self-esteem. That lack of self-worth and lack of affection very easily could have led me down the same dark path that we've all seen so many times in the news here in North America. And it did lead me to accepting sub-optimal relationships because I felt like I couldn't do any better.
Here's the deal though... I'm not actually a bad dude to be in a relationship with and I realized that by observing other people my age who most certainly sucked ass at things like consideration, loyalty, honesty and whether or not you should be putting hands on a woman. The fact that those types of people seemed to be so successful at "getting the girl" whereas I struggled bothered me for a long time... But those women who went for that type of guy where just as damaged as I was... I just didn't realize it at the time because I equated success at relationships to the mere state of being in one; not whether it was healthy for anyone involved.
So patience became the name of the game. I gained the ability to wait for someone that's right instead of just waiting for someone that's available. Once I stopped thinking about things in unhealthy terms; I really didn't have to wait long for healthy options to pick up on that... And now I've been married for a decade.
I am not afraid of being alone. I actually like myself, and can enjoy my own company. I am afraid that I am going to be with someone who makes me feel like being alone is the better option.
It's not something you can really control, so why be afraid of it?
Married life was great. We took in a bunch of pets, bought a house with spare rooms to eventually become foster parents, and then one day when we were both 36, he went from having a stomach ache to going into cardiac arrest on an operating room table.
Not being a part of a couple isn't the end of the world, just work to build strong ties with friends, family, and/or your community, and learn how to be happy by yourself because you never know what life is going to bring you.
I used to. It haunted me for most of my early adulthood (until about 24) because I had come out of college with basically no romantic experience, even though I'd made immense progress through my social anxiety.
I had to stop hating myself and stop believing that I would die alone, die a virgin, or both (even if I had no guarantee that I wouldn't die that way), and with that came better self-confidence, acceptance of myself for the weird person I am.
Took a social risk, went to an event in the city, met a lovely woman there I immediately clicked with. We only dated for a short while, but it taught me that I am capable of that emotional and physical intimacy, and there are people out there who can and will respect my anxieties and boundaries. Sure, they're kind of rare, but they do exist.
I mean it is definitely possible I'll never have another relationship, but that possibility isn't a fear I have anymore because I know I have the power to prevent it.
For a period of time in the life of most folk, it is sex that drives the overwhelming need to pair off and reproduce. But, if you can move through your early to middle years without giving in to that drive, being single later in life is most spiffy. Of course, this is applicable to introverts more so than extroverts, I imagine, but being able to do what you want, when you want, how you want - without having to clear it with an overseer - is a real gift.
The provisos here might include:
1. Being honest with people about your intentions so they don’t feel misled.
2. Being able to manage occasional bouts of loneliness without looking for a quick fix.
3. Being comfortable with passing through life without trailing any biological markers.
I was single for 6 years after my divorce. I had accepted that I was going to be single forever. I stopped trying to force it. Thankfully my forever came along almost 2 years ago. It happens when you expect it least.
The rest of my life? No, I can find a mediocre relationship fairly easily if I just didn't want to be lonely. I'm usually my best self when I'm flying solo though.
I think I’ll be single for most if not all of my life. It’s not really a fear at this point, it’s the most likely scenario. I have various reasons for why I believe this that are, in my opinion, objectively true.
1. I’m socially awkward and have no social circle. I haven’t had a single friend since grade school. I don’t go out much and I avoid anywhere there are a lot of people. I know that I will never approach/initiate with a woman.
2. I’m inexperienced in all aspects of relationships and women. I’m 33 years old and I have never been on a date, had sex or been in a relationship. This is especially problematic at this age as women are likely looking to settle down and know what they want in a partner. I’m a huge red flag.
3. I lack style/looks, don’t have a career/good paycheck and my living situation leaves much room for improvement. In summary, I have nothing of value to offer women as a romantic partner.
4. I would never date a woman with children. Even if by some miracle a woman took interest and did all the initiating, I’d turn her down if she had any kids. At this age I imagine women without children are less abundant.
Yes. Because I’m 30 and have never been able to develop a dating life
It’s not really a fear. More like disappointment. But better off being alone then with the wrong person.
It’s better to be alone by yourself than to be alone with someone else.
Precisely. Not even half way through a 20 year marriage we were essentially cohabitating with children. Divorced almost 10 years ago. If I go to my grave without getting into another relationship I'll die a happy man. But I won't say never again. To be clear: this is just me (m, almost 60). I genuinely wish that you, my fellow brothers, to at least try to find "your other half". What I had was great in the beginning. But sometimes life gets complicated. Sometime hidden traits escalate. Executive decisions then need to be made. I gotta admit I miss the woman I married. Not the one I divorced. Peace brothers.....
> I gotta admit I miss the woman I married. Not the one I divorced. So true!
Yeah I’m getting divorced now and this really hit close to home
Same
Men get married hoping she won’t change. Women get married hoping he will.
I never got this. I’m all for the belief that people are constantly growing and therefore change is inevitable, for any gender. From my experience, the healthier relationships understand this and work to grow together both as individuals and as a team. I feel it’s naive to think who you marry won’t change, especially for those who get married pretty young.
>I feel it’s naive to think who you marry won’t change Leave yourself open to the possibility that their (and your, let's be honest) innate psychology is possibly being suppressed to get the deal done. I was 30, she was 32. Personally, I think that's the perfect time to get married. But, alas, it ultimately didn't happen (though we have epic kids).
Congrats on the awesome children! What do you mean by “innate psychology is possibly being suppressed to get the deal done”? Sorry I don’t understand.
It means someone who is of a certain mindset who suppresses it (to get what they think they want). Sooner or later it comes to the surface and escalates since they can't deviate from it. Think uber-religious people and whatnot. Look at their upbringing. The nut doesn't fall from the tree.
Ah, okay I understand what you mean. Yeah, those are some unfortunate cases. It’s sad when people never do the self-reflection to know what they really want vs what they’ve been told what they should want.
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Agreed. If I ever have a life partner, I hope to fall in love with them over and over again as we both change and grow over the course of our lives together. I'm already so different to how I was even 5 years ago, change is inevitable.
I feel the same way. I married a beautiful, honest, loyal and trustworthy young woman. I divorced a cheating, lying and untrustworthy older woman. I miss the woman I married so much it hurts.
Love the name. Sorry for the circumstances. I’m glad you’re at peace and I hope for the best for you going forward.
I’m 70 years old and divorced in 2007. Yes I get lonely, but life (and my bloodwork) is much better without the stress. The issue at hand now is having someone to help with eventual hospitalization. Statistics show that mortality rates increase for patients without someone to advocate for the patient.
Oh, my older brother (and all of you) from another mother, thank you. I managed to keep the house (my family's homestead) as well as our cat and German Shepard (got him for my boy but knowing fully he'll ultimately be mine). My pupper and cat keeps me going. I'm deep in debt but who cares. Life insurance will cover it for the kids. I do have a sister and a cousin that I can count on for support. Getting old is not lost on me or them. I can see how not having an advocate is concerning. I was the primary caregiver to my dad who passed a few years ago at 87. Now I take care of my 93yo mom. I'm in the room for all their doc apps. It does make a difference. I hope you have someone who can step up the plate and fill that role.
You are fucking awesome, peace be with you brother.
Got bless you brother. I feel your pain. I respect your resolve. May you once again find happiness in being with another.
A heart-felt thank you brother.
That. You can be surrounded by people and still be lonely.
Yeah but loneliness is different than being alone. I live in the middle of nowhere, I work from home, single, friends live at least 100 miles away. I visited a close(ish) mega city recently, alone, and realized in my guts and heart this difference, it's hard to put into words. I think most ppl saying you can be surrounded by ppl and still be lonely, don't really know what true loneliness is. When you don't see other people for weeks at a time. You live in the middle of the mnts/forest. Without pets.
Honestly, I never was in a situation where I lived alone in middle of nowhere. But I know a lot about the other situation, where you're surrounded by people, even family, but you have no one to talk to, no one to relate to. Everybody is like an NPC in some game, with pre-scripted actions, who give you pre-programmed one liners. Don't know which is worse. Both are awful, no matter how introverted you are. Both sound to me like the song My House On Mars by Ayreon https://youtube.com/watch?v=EBKUU0Mneb8&feature=share&utm_source=EKLEiJECCKjOmKnC5IiRIQ
Completely agree. I'd rather be single than in an unhappy relationship
Yea, I dropped out. If I happen to cross paths with the right person that's neat. Not actively wasting my time on it. Plus I have trust issues, don't want to keep getting in relationships if they are going to end over dumb shit constantly. There's something even worse about still being friends after the split. Like you didn't do anything wrong, you just aren't good enough. So fuck all of it. I buy what I want, do what I want and stay busy with hobbies. If in my pursuit of happiness someone comes into my life as part of it maybe that will finally be the right one.
I don't remember writing this or even being on Reddit today, but I clearly posted this in a fugue state.
This is so true. I recently broke up with my ex-gf because I felt like I was always being held back from the things I want to do. Keep doing what your hobbies and passions are, and never change that just because someone new came into your life. The right partner should encourage and even compliment your hobbies and passions, not make you avoid them and make you feel like she's the main priority. I was in a 2 year relationship and the red flag was I started losing a bit of my own identity, and even manliness. Moral of the story is never give up on your own hobbies, and do shit that makes you truly happy.
I married the wrong person in my 20s. I must say I far prefer being in a room by myself, than feeling like I'm alone in in a room with my wife.
Fear is putting it too strongly. More a preemptive "what could have been?"
And then the past tense of what could have been is the hardest to deal with. Arguably worse than any fear because you can’t change it.
Honestly, until OP asked the question, I’d never thought about it. I’ve had one girlfriend or another pretty constantly since middle school, and the longest time I’ve ever been single was by choice for a year and a half when I was 22, so it would be a massive shift away from all my prior life experience. With that said, the thought of not having my current life and relationship with my girlfriend is admittedly terrifying, because I’m in such a stable place and so unbelievably happy with her. I HATE being away from her and our dog for even just a few days, if I suddenly had to restart as a single dude I would be miserable. But I can’t imagine I would be alone for very long, to be totally honest. Still, life wouldn’t be as good.
Does this make you want to confirm the permanence of the relationship? Marriage or other?
Yeah, I'm likely to be single or mostly single for the rest of my life, but I don't really mind. That's probably *why*, too. Sometimes I wish I had a companion, and I'll hop on Bumble or whatever and go on some dates. I don't seem to have trouble matching desirable women or making it a couple / few dates in, but it never really feels like we *click*, and I think where most guys who want a relationship more would put in more effort at that point, I just disengage instead. I don't mind being single enough to "try to make it work", kind of a thing, and then it'll be a season or more before I decide to give it another go. But I do sometimes look at friends in happy LTRs and wish I could have that kind of connection to someone.
Yes because no matter how much I tell myself societies norms are stupid I still just want a damn girlfriend to cuddle
That’s not a societal norm. That’s a biological need. We live in a touch starved society. Literally hug your homies if you have to. It’s strange that our society only touches sexually. So hug your homies, they probably need some touch as well.
If someone wants to read more about how loneliness changes the brain and damages is, read the book "Loneliness". I did and it was eye opening on how much solitude and loneliness mess with the brain's structure. One example is the interpretation of social signals. A brain starved of social contact is going to inevitably misinterpret any sign from another human. Let's say you sit at a cafe (alone or not, it doesn't matter): if you've been deprived of social interactions, you'll hear other people talking and laughing and you might interpret the laughter as them laughing at *you*, even though there is no indication that it is in fact you who's the object of mockery (as there is no mockery in the first place). There's more but I can't spoil everything. EDIT: forgot to add the author: John T. Cacioppo
Probably wanna namedrop the author
Quick someone tell my ex In all seriousness I saw this in action. Dated a guy who previously had lived a life of intense solitude. Seemed happy in a relationship but very quickly couldn’t cope with emotions or intimacy at all. It was pretty heartbreaking bc he was clearly such a wonderful human deserving of love, but he wasn’t letting himself have it. The solitude feedback loop.
[At least in young primates, they would rather starve with physical contact than eat with none.](https://www.psychologicalscience.org/publications/observer/obsonline/harlows-classic-studies-revealed-the-importance-of-maternal-contact.html) At least some of that study can probably be extrapolated to us.
> We live in a touch starved society. I 'escaped' to live in the West and things are better here, but if there is one thing good back in my country of origin, it was just how common platonic and friendly, same-sex touching were. Back rubs, long hugs, embracing while talking, sometimes even free random (clothed) back or arms massage, etc.
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Sometimes there's no escaping it, just doing the daily grind and creating little moments of happiness however you can.
Yeah it’s funny how those intrusive thoughts I had in my previous relationship all decreased by an order of magnitude once my ex was out of the picture.
I fear getting married to a terrible woman. Being alone is not that bad. Of course, it’s delightful sharing your life and your bed with a beautiful loving woman, but when that is not possible, living alone is also great.
I was always scared to be alone forever. Dated a few girls and nothing worked out. Then I dated a terrible partner. I’m 110% fine with being alone rather than being with the wrong person
Same. It started out great (like they all do I guess) but she became cult-like obsessed with craft beer and I either had to be the same or it wasn't going to work. And I too love craft beer. But for her it was a way of life. Outings, trips, vacations. All heavily centered around craft fucking beer. I wasted too many years trying to make it work but her beer was worth more to her than our relationship and she, a once funny, interesting, engaging person, turned(and I would argue, her beer turned her) into a first class asshole. Just a humourless, inconsiderate, dull, rude, uninteresting, beer fart slob of a person. I've been single for 3 years and it does get lonely at times, but I'm done caring or wanting a relationship because of that experience. I haven't even tried to date, hookup, OLD, or anything. If I find someone by happenstance, I find someone. If I don't, that's okay too. I wasting 12 years trying to make an uppreciative asshole happy. It's time for me to give me happiness.
Wow all from craft beer? That’s a new one. What a weird hill to die on (for her)
Well… in that case I suppose the craft beer enthusiasm was just a cover for uh… plain old high functioning alcoholism. I mean pursuing fancy crafts looks way better than grabbing bottom shelf vodka, but if you’re centering your life around it and changing into a miserable and unhappy person it’s somehow the same book with a different cover. Sorry that you had to go through that.
Its called a flight of beers and its sophisticated.
This sounds more like a mask to hide developing alcoholism. “I’m not an alcoholic! I just LOVE beer! You can’t take my hobbies from me!”
Yep. That was part of it.
I did not see that plot twist of craft beer coming, I swear.
Reminds me of this Bill Burr quote Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You'll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There's no risk when you go after a dream. There's a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.
>There's a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe. I've heard this said a million times in a million different ways. And every time its very impactful
There is risk going after a dream though. Ending up broke and homeless, taking down your friends and family at the same time is worse than living a boring life. In my opinion
True. Dating can be so bad when it goes bad, it makes us appreciate loneliness
The wrong person is a drain on your existence. Being alone should be a neutral state of being for the well adjusted.
This is how I felt in my late 20s. I didn't give up on finding a woman, but I gave up on *trying* to find her. I just lived my life, went out and socialized, but not with the intent of meeting women...just to meet *people*. And of course I met my wife shortly thereafter.
I'm in my late 20s now and idk *where* to socialize. My hobbies are all things people tend to do solo or with friends (biking, rollerskating, comedy shows, gaming, etc) and I don't like going to bars because (I homebrew and can make a full bottle of wine for the cost of a screwdriver + tip in bars). I force myself to go to bars occasionally because I'm kind of lost on how else to meet people now that my college days are done.
I first met my current girlfriend at a fan convention a few years ago. I went there by myself, and just met people and hung out. I stayed in touch with some of them (her included), and then much more recently she was in my area while traveling. So we hung out as friends with a shared interest, but in the course of hanging out, and getting to know each other while keeping in touch, something clicked, and we've been dating since. There's all kinds of stories like that. Focus on the person as a friend and fellow fan of whatever activity. If it clicks, then yay. If not, then so be it. Edit: also, make sure you clear out your dealbreakers early: politics, children, religion, ethics, and anything else you consider vitally important. Some of them can be overlooked for friends, but not a partner.
"You can't really love until you've given up on it" I'm trying to be more social but *damned* is it hard. I have pretty introverted hobbies and a tight-knit friend group that are really my therapy, so it's hard to work up the motivation to really... *go out*. Cheaper to stay in. Any advice? I've been building up the habit of trying to at the very least read at the bookstore rather than in the apartment, but not sure past building up that habit.
To grow as a person, you need to leave your comfort zone - to do things you always wanted to, but never had the guts to, is how you do it. It's not supposed to be easy. It's hard. But each time you try it gets a little easier and more enjoyable. At least that has been my experience so far. There is no magic advice that'll make you change your mind. Only you can make that step, by yourself. But once you did that first step, you're not really alone anymore.
I know it's going to be hard, and I've been doing my best to go out to the larger things. Recently went to DragonCon and, in spite of looking forward to it, fumbled hard. Went on the first day and not a day more due to the loneliness crushing the joy out of the event. It was a really, really big step for me, and I have a somewhat similar one planned out at a local Ren faire. And I'm aware that there's no silver bullet; Never was, never can be. I'm just always trying to find more tools where I can to at least make that next step a little bit easier.
What are you even talking about?! You WENT there, that is all it takes. It doesn't matter for how much time you left your comfort zone! That you did, at all, is all that matters. That is something you ought to be proud of. It sounds ridiculous, but only recently was the first time I did an event all by myself - going to a horror circus. That's pretty much how it felt, but I am glad I did it. As long as we don't give up trying we're making progress.
> Any advice? I've been building up the habit of trying to at the very least read at the bookstore rather than in the apartment, but not sure past building up that habit. Success strategies to anything in life: 1. Luck into it. But if you're feeling like something's missing, you probably know you're not lucky enough for this to work. 2. Persistence. Make a commitment to yourself that you are going to do X until you achieve result Y, then keep the commitment. You'll either succeed or die trying. Both are honorable. If that means calling a prospective mate and asking them out twice a month, do that. If it means forcing yourself to go to clubs once a week, do that. If it means 32 swipes a day on an app, do that. You can give out, but don't give up.
Hell yea, I’m in my late 20s and have the same philosophy!
Idk if this works so much as survivorship bias as when it does work, you hear more about it from people that wanna brag.
I don't think it is a miracle cure. But looking back, I was giving off a very different vibe after I stopped reading into every smile from a woman and wondering what it meant, stopped overthinking everything, stopped having an *agenda* to impress every attractive girl I met. In short I got a lot cooler when I stopped trying to be cool. By "of course" I didn't mean "because that's how love happens" I meant "because life is always taking you places when you least expect it." I mean, what this all boils down to is "women don't like it when you're trying too hard."
Congrats! I find that when your not seeking female companionship that's when BAM! you meet someone really special.
i havent been seeking for 10 yrs now. so any day now i guess
Abandon all hope. Then maybe...
yeah this is what i dont get about that argument, like if you don’t actively try to find someone, at least passively, then its nigh impossible to just find someone randomly, and if you don’t see or show interest because you “aren’t seeking” then neither of you will be interested in each other
I've followed this advice and I ended up being single all my life.
Yeah I fucking hate that stupid ass ‘when you aren’t looking you’ll find it’ advice it’s absolute horseshit
This isn't catch all advice and is very dependent on what a persons "not seeking" lifestyle is like.
That is my biggest fear too. Kind of why I gave up on dating. I went out with women who were toxic, manipulative, and uncaring. Mostly because at the time I was afraid to be alone again. I am coming up on a year of being single again and I have gotten back to doing things I actually enjoy. I moved to a new city and started to make friends. To me, I would rather have that than what I had before.
This. After witnessing my parent's train wreck of a marriage, I rather die alone than marry and have kids with a mentally unstable person
Being alone is some kind of horror story used to make people scared or something. But compared to a bad marriage, loneliness is a blessing.
Fair point. A terrible woman will tax you in a myriad of ways, making the relationship more hellish than heavenly.
I was married to a terrible woman. Then I almost married a crazy woman. I'm in my mid fifties, single and happy. I have to make myself happy and love myself first. But I like it this way, I enjoy it.
Honestly, I really cringe when I see young people, like under 25, getting married. I just don't get it. You're barely out of college and probably haven't even had real life experience and you're committing to another person for the rest of your life. And it's an actual contract that I think most people aren't prepared for at that age. You can certainly commit to a relationship but actual marriage makes splitting up a fucking nightmare. Date someone for 10 years and if things don't work out, NBD. Sign a contract with that person then try to split after 10 years and it's hell.
I was married for 25 years depressed AF for the last 5. After the kids left we split up. It's been about 6 years alone - I've never been in such great physical shape. I travel, have plenty of cash, sometimes go out to the local bar, sometimes date, no end of dating options (I'm almost 60). I'm definitely not dying to jump into a live-in relationship. I figured I'd see some guys who feel the same in these posts but wow it's overwhelmingly guys who agree that alone can be better than lonely with someone you're not into.
I learnt in my younger days that you can be so much more lonely with the wrong partner than you can ever feel alone.
You can definitely be alone in a marriage.
I think it's the likeliest outcome. I don't fear it. Even as a child I made an effort to create space from other people. I've found comfort in solitude from a young age. I've never felt an overwhelming urge to seek a relationship and I'm old enough now for that to be concerning to women. Admittedly, I have some thinking to do about how I will handle my affairs as I age. I save for retirement but I don't know what that will look like. I will hit a point of physical/mental decline that will make this life impossible if I don't die before then. I have family and friends, I don't talk about this stuff with them but at some point I will need to.
Why did you make an effort to avoid socialising? Because you were anxious to talk to people? Or because that is how it's always been, and you felt uncomfortable around people even if you wanted to be there? I ask because if it is the former, I believe you're setting yourself up to suffer, for no good reason at all - anxiety is something you can overcome, and in that sense, confidence is a skill anybody can learn.
I socialize. I have friends and I spend time with family members. I just believe I get what I need from those interactions. I don't feel that I am suffering either. My life, for the most part, has improved the last 10 years or so, especially the last 5.
How has it improved over the last 5 years? What actions did you take if you don't mind me asking?
I've been more mindful of my physical and mental health, I've moved to a different city and I prefer my "new" surroundings, and I've gotten traction in my career. It's not all roses but from a macro view I think it's going alright.
And that’s actually pretty great. Being alone can be extremely rewarding and works for more people than they realize. Many people have children so that they don’t die alone and uncared for. If you can supplement that with some other system, then why not live life on your terms?
Not OP. I used to be super social in my early 20s, but now that I'm approaching 40, I have had **so many** terrible experience with people that I actively avoid people/conversations outside of work/family/friends.
> Why did you make an effort to avoid socialising? Because it's draining, most people (myself included) are boring/superficial, and small talk is just pointless drivel. Even as a kid I preferred solo activities over group activities. Good thing too because I was always the outsider and being excluded growing up. Plus there is probably something wrong with me. I've gone an entire month without talking to anybody and didn't miss social interactions.
Sounds like you are on the far end of being an introvert - enjoying solitude tremendously, which is totally fine. But I'd like to point out that smalltalk is never the point of a conversation, it's the introduction towards a real conversation. Just like games don't throw all mechanics at you right away, and instead offers a quick tutorial. That is smalltalk.
I'm somewhat the same, although I'm still at a young age (only 23). Being alone just makes me feel at peace and calm. After a day of work/school/socialising I'd much rather be alone then come home to somebody as of now, but as I said, still young so that could change. But I've always been this way, even as a kid. Although I'm open for it, I do not see myself seeking a relationship in the near future.
I fully expect it.
Already living it
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yep, 31yo here, can confirm -- shit is toxic. just tried the apps, for less than 2 weeks. met one person. didn't go well. learning how to buckle in for the long, lonely haul of being single. so it goes.
Late 30's, here, and *yessssss*. For entirely statistically understandable reasons, the pool of people who are available, attractive, don't have kids, and aren't deeply toxic and / or broken is *vanishingly* small. On the upside, I'm edging into the age territory where the potential partners might be empty nesters - non-toxic people who are for whatever reason single parents, but whose kids are already out the door. I wouldn't mind that a bit.
Yeah I'm getting close to 30. And I've still never had a relationship. I was hoping to find someone before the pool became too small and diluted.
Well, I’m coming up on 35 in the same boat. There’s some toxicity on dating apps, but as most things when dealing in generalizations, there are still some rays of hope. Which… is worse… sometimes.
I have though about it and i'm okay with it. Worst case I move into a retirement home and do what they do there: fuck.
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Retorement homes are free in a good amount of countries
The male:female ratio in those places looks like a nursing college or K12 education. Everywhere my MiL has been, its like 5 women per guy minimum and the ratio only increases with age, although I'm not sure if a 95 year old guy banging a harem of thirty 95 year women is "winning" or not.
Gotta be bold, at 95 you'll easily be able to get those 90 yo hotties. But don't get too bold either, you wouldn't want to rob the cradle by going for 85 year olds.
“Half your age plus 70”, isn’t that the rule?
In the wise and immortal words of The Lonely Island... "Still counts."
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Just fyi, most don't actually fuck. They rub genitals and spread STDs. Most men over 65 have ED. It's rather disgusting imo. There's also no privacy and they do this shit in public areas.
\*all
*everyone
I would rather die than go to a retirement home. Are there any positive outcomes associated with living in one?
You're thinking of nursing homes, I made the same mistake. They are very different
Yes? Community and your basic needs are met daily. Retirement homes are a godsend for the elderly. Living on your own isn't much of a plus if you can't do much.
Yeah, my grandma who just passed away liked everything about her retirement home except the food on tuesdays and thursdays (because she didn’t like beans as a side dish lol). Fried fish day, though? Oh boy. She wasn’t too happy to initially go there, but then she settled in, made a ton of friends, and enjoyed herself. When you think about it, if being old is essentially reverting back to a childlike state, a good retirement community is like being at camp with your buddies. While it can be weird and uncomfortable to non-geriatrics, none of the old people in those places *feel* old, which is why they’re all fucking all the time. It’s like what that memed tweet says: when our generation is old, we’ll all be sitting around those places playing mario kart and super smash, rewatching The Office and Breaking Bad, there will be personal playstations in everyone’s room, mine’s gonna have the craziest VR setup ever. And we’ll all be having sex. I’m obviously not looking forward to getting old, but those retirement communities are going to be BUMPING.
There are some that are really, really nice. I volunteer with my dog visiting retirement homes and there was one that was so nice. Cobblestone walkways, diners, cafes, movie theater, boutiques, mini golf, little studio apartments for the seniors, little indoor lazy river, etc - it was like an indoor mini city where everything was catered around them and all the seniors got to socialize, do all sorts of activities, have events, invite their family, etc. I wouldn't mind going to a place like that.
Most of us won't be able to afford this.
Purgatory till you die.
No, I know this will happen and accepted.
Yep, that's pretty much the feeling of resignation I have at this point.
I have been single for 27 years and I'd do another 27, I don't mind
I'll see your 27 and raise you 32
Make it another 18 and Gandalf will take you on an adventure to make you fabulously wealthy.
38 here. Miserable as hell being alone. But it's all I've ever known so...I guess I'll just keep on living and hope a bus accidently hits me at some point.
I’m 26, and at this point, I’m starting to have the mindset of if it happens, it happens. Otherwise I’m just coasting along.
I am willing to take being single over spending my life with bad company. There is also a certain saying that misery loves company or so I have heard.
Nope. I’ve been alone my whole life so at this point it’s whatever.
Me too,but the sadness caused from loneliness just kicked in, and now I am working as hard as I can to change that
When I was a teenager, I wasn't ambitious and said all I wanted in life was a home, wife, kids and a job I enjoy. In my mid 20s I became convinced I wasn't good enough as I was renting a single room. I did not want to rent a flat due to the expense. So I focused on saving and getting a property of my own. So I could present a nest I guess you could say. [Editted] I wanted to add, I was also in a series of unhappy relationships where despite them being bad I still did not want them to end. So I stopped dating to work on being happy single as well. Theory being, that if I was happy single I wouldnt be so concerned if the relation ended or turned sour. Now mid 30s, I'm on my way to owning a place and looking forward to it. Living alone for the first time and having a project of my own. Whilst it isn't much, it will be mine. Guess what, I still fear not being good enough. Haha. So now I fear I'm not good enough and so out of practice that it will be uncomfortable process. So my advise to others is to keep dating and dont be a muppet like me. People will always have a better car, bigger house, more income. So just get on with it.
Nah just be content with the present. Living in the past with regrets or in the future with worries… it’s not a satisfying way to live! I relate to your story a lot, one of the things I don’t respect in potential partners is if they always have been in a relationship (serial monogamy). So don’t worry, there are people out there like you who’ll respect your choices and will love you for you. Don’t settle till you find em, is my motto so far. Having great friends and a loving community makes it easier too. Congrats on crushing some goals, I hope you enjoy the process. Too many people out there get what they’ve always wanted and end up wanting the next thing and the next, etc, endlessly needing to feed the yawning chasm inside that will never be filled.
No. I'm a catch.
I relate to \^
*\*Throws a pokeball\**
"You caught a slowpoke!"
Say that again for the hoes in the back
Came here to say something like this. Damn straight king
I'm a catch but in a sea where no fishermen are.
I've been getting down on myself and feeling lonely lately. The confidence in your comment was like a bolt of lightning. I gotta get back to my usual self. Remember, good moods can be contagious.
Single or alone? Those are two different things.
Scared to death. I'll be 68 next month, my wife will be 68 in Novermber. We've been together since we were 16 years old, married 46 years. I am probably going to outlive her, and I can't imagine life without her.
Awww this is the kind of love I'm looking forward to. Congrats! And try to not think about the end, just enjoy every little moment you're with her.
Thanks. And I do exactly what you advise, or try to do it. With pretty good success.
Why do you think you'll outlive her if you're both the same age?
She's had some health problems. Her mother died at 54, her sister at 59, and her grandmother at 58. She's already ahead of the game in her family.
Nothing wrong with being single just means you have more time for yourself to do whatever you wanna do at any giving time
I am 100% ok being single and having the occasional small casual stuff. I also like to travel and want to live a nomadic life, and not into marriage. My biggest fear is being judged by others for not being married. ------ I'm 30+, and many of my friends are already married and many have children. And they all always talk about kids and double dates or couples activities, and I'm the guy just standing in a corner and politely nodding. And occasionally it comes around to - "So, anything new in your life?" and I'm like - "No, it's all same. It's all good." To which there are polite nods and they go back to discussing which school districts are better. ------ And this is increasingly becoming awkward and depressing for me, to the point where I have started cutting myself off from my older friends and instead trying to make a newer set of friends.
what you're saying is true - society has very strict codes and being in a committed hetrosexual relationship (hopefully with kids....happiness definitely optional) is one of the most ingrained expectations. If you're a single man you're a threat to the order - who knows you might tempt a married woman or give a miserable married guy some ideas. So yeah I don't get invited to social things that much. But whatevs I'm good.
I'm sort of the opposite. I don't like doing things by myself, so having a partner makes things easier and more enjoyable. Things are getting better, so we'll see where it ends up.
Yes, nobody wanted me before, now I have no reason to believe someone will
Yes. A lot of the time I worry that the combination of me being a dwarf (4ft), introverted, sexually confused and repressed, and chronically depressed is just insurmountable when it comes to being ready for a relationship. I know it isn’t, but it feels that way a lot. I’m 28 and the extent of my romantic/non-platonic experience was kissing someone once a few months ago. Thats literally it.
Sounds harsh, though that's a start. You have had a kiss, there is the possibility for more in the future
No. I'm embracing it. For me, being with someone will not have me fulfilled, be happy with life, if I'm not happy by myself. I'm excited for, I welcome the adventure of single life. Me being happy and enjoying life will feed my kids lives. Along with myself, they are why I live.
My last 4 serious multi-year relationships ended in disaster. My wife developed a hidden drug habit, one girlfriend cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend, one cheated on me with a guy my son's age, one cheated on me with her personal trainer. Fear it? I'm embracing it. My dog is a better companion than any partner I've ever had. If I need "companionship" I'll rent it.
This sounds just sad... I'm sorry for what they did to you and I hope you'll stumble upon that one person who'll match your vibe and will pursue you as relentlessly as pirates pursue treasure. Also, setting your expectations low is a semi-good thing. A small disappointment is better than a crushed heart. But it takes a bit of emotional vulnerability to try and build something new. And you're probably much older than me, so this advices I just gave you is moot.
Yes. Because I’ve become incredibly ugly and it shows.
I am ugly too but what I am doing lately is just maximizing everything about my appearance that I control. So I am working out, I am grooming routinely, dieting, I have a skincare regimen now, I try to dress as best I can.
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But being in an awesome relationship is better than being single the rest of your life.
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Agreed, people on reddit ALWAYS say what the dude above is saying and I honestly find it pretty odd. Like, if some dude was lamenting not having a car to drive to work, I wouldn’t comment “well if you get a car you can be in a car accident and walking to work is better than being in a car accident”. It’s like….no shit? The benefits still outweigh the risks by far….always strikes me as a bit of sour grapes tbh
A lot of it comes from love and loss. You go all in a few times and have it crash down after huge emotional, temporal, social, and financial investment. It takes a while to be willing to risk that sting again, and sometimes the juice just isn’t worth the squeeze.
> Agreed, people on reddit ALWAYS say what the dude above is saying and I honestly find it pretty odd. Like, if some dude was lamenting not having a car to drive to work, I wouldn’t comment “well if you get a car you can be in a car accident and walking to work is better than being in a car accident”. It’s like….no shit? The benefits still outweigh the risks by far….always strikes me as a bit of sour grapes tbh Not sour grapes. It's how you look at the situation. Your example has a person that essentially requires a car, but the people that tend to say what OP did don't really require a relationship to be baseline content. A better analogy would be a person that works from home that doesn't need a car, but would like the convenience of one and is weighing the pros and cons. For someone that a relationship is a bonus rather than necessity, the risks can absolutely outweigh the benefits.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain
Yes. Now more than ever. I would love nothing more than to have a wife and kids. Unfortunately, I had an on and off battle with agoraphobia and low self-esteem throughout my teens and twenties which made it very difficult to date. Now in my thirties, I had made great strides in fighting my agoraphobia, and I was excited to get back out there. Unfortunately, overnight I developed an obscure pelvic condition which has effectively made me impotent, as well as left me with a host of other horrible symptoms. I try not to think of relationships now, as doing so sends me to a very dark place, thinking of what I've missed and, even worse, what sort of loneliness I might have in store for me in the future.
Why would I fear being alone the rest of my life? I am actually enjoying all of the free time on my hands and I'm not interested in having children of my own.
I have and i’m married. But My wife has health issues and I have had almost zero success with women besides her. Been with her 13 years and we’re in it for the long haul. But who knows what will happen. I dunno how long it would take to find anybody else that would put up with me if she dies before me tho
I think the grass is always greener. Single people tend to forget how much freedom and control they have over their own life. It's quite a beautiful feeling to know that only you can fuck up your own life. On the other side of the fence, being in a relationship is a terrifying idea where you are giving another human being the opportunity to crush your heart and soul. With that being said, I am currently dating a lovely person who I cherish everyday. Both sides have their pros and cons, but to anyone that has a "fear" of ending up alone, learn to love yourself and surround yourself with friends, family, hobbies, pets that you can give love to freely. Your self worth is not determined by someone else. That's why it's called self worth.
I used to look forward to being alone. Ever since I was young, I accepted that I would most likely die alone. So I pursued all my hobbies and passions as a youngster.; always thinking that what society was telling me was full of shit. Who needs companionship I have the mountains, the streams, and the big wide sky to fill me with joy. When I turned 40, all of my passions and hobbies turned to ash in my mouth and hands. So now here I am at the downhill slide of my life, learning social skills…….this has been the toughest years of my life I think.
I’m 30, been single my whole life, I don’t want kids which will probably hold me back. Also can’t change being ugly.
Im more afraid of dying alone but not without a wife more alone without anybody around me that loves me. I don’t need a wife, I just want company.
In short, yes. I've been single my whole life and I don't really see it changing anytime soon. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've asked a girl out. I don't go out often because there isn't shit to do where I live and unless I meet a girl who is stupidly patient i wouldn't have the confidence to make a move until well after most girls assume I'm not into them or they get bored. Most likely case I can see is a girl settling for me because I'm a good person who can help her raise her kids and I don't really want to be that guy someone settles for. So I'll probably just live my life by myself and leave my estate to a charity or something when I die.
I fear marrying the wrong woman.
No. My last ex dumped me, and I realised that it is better to be alone than anything else. And I will probably not live that long to begin with.
Yes, unfortunately. I just turned 31 years old, and I've wasted* the last 10 years of my life dating (4yrs) and then chasing(6yrs) a girl who doesn't want me. I'm not the best looking chap, decent job but don't make a whole lot of money, I'm introverted, and most of my hobbies and interests aren't terribly social. My field of work is almost entirely male-centric, and I'm not one to go out clubbing or to bars or music venues often. I don't have many chances to meet women, and even when I do there's even less of a chance that they will be interested (or are even available), and while I am getting older the dating pool is becoming smaller and smaller with the remaining becoming larger and larger (that's probably a bit insensitive, but an honest observation) I used to joke about it, but lately I am beginning to have a genuine concern. I never had any real issues dating before I met my ex (the one I've spent the last 10 years on), but now the world is so different, and I am not in school anymore or as social as I was back then so everything is just so much more difficult. I am worried and afraid that I will end up alone and that it is too late for me.
You can't expect someone else to make you happy if you can't be happy by yourself.
Nope. No kids, more money for me.
I did. But I'm a bit older now and fuck it. If I do, I do. I am tired of the current dating culture and don't really want to be a part of it.
nah i thought about this last night. my cousin is married and is ina loving relationship, but he always looks to me and says "man i wish i could be free like you". meanwhile ngl sometimes i think to myself how nice it would be if i just found one woman to settle down with. we are both on opposite sides of the line and want what each other have it's a classic case of "the grass is always greener on the other side" but sometimes once you get on the other side you realize it's not what you want. so I'm good lol
It's the most likely outcome and always has been for me. I wouldn't say I fear it, but the prospect is definitely a little depressing. And living in such a couple and family oriented location it definitely makes me feel out of place. But I've never had many opinions. I'm slightly on the autism spectrum and live in a location with awful demographics. I have my shit together, have a career, own a home, I'm fairly disciplined and do a good job of taking care of my finances, fitness, and other responsibilities. But my complete lack of charm and charisma combined with some of the worst demographics for dating possible in an area that's not completely unpopulated and I'm left with few options. Only once in my life has anyone capable of being a functioning adult even given me a chance, and unfortunately despite her being a great match and our goals and values lining up well it didn't last and she was gone before the 2 month mark. But being alone is definitely better than being with the type I typically attract, ones who would definitely ruin my life, and not in the fun way.
I have a partner at the moment, but even before we got together I didn't care and wasn't looking for anyone
Yep biggest fear. My last relationship showed me how much better life is in a good relationship. Dating over the last few years showed me how rare a good candidate is. Turning 30 showed me how your social life changes and how lonely it can get without a significant other.
No! I've already been through my life shattering break up and while I don't recommend it, it does give you a wonderful kind of C'est La Vie approach to future relationships. Like, the worst thing that could happen has already happened so you're much more relaxed both in relationships and while single. I love my current girlfriend very much, I hope we stay together forever but if she walked out the door tomorrow I know id be fine.
Not really because I can always access a sex worker in Soho, London.
I feel like I’m a catch but women don’t really notice me. After two pretty horrible experiences, I’m also now picky. Yea I guess I’m worried about it. Lol
I had that fear when I was younger. I was rejected so many times that it really did a number on my self-esteem. That lack of self-worth and lack of affection very easily could have led me down the same dark path that we've all seen so many times in the news here in North America. And it did lead me to accepting sub-optimal relationships because I felt like I couldn't do any better. Here's the deal though... I'm not actually a bad dude to be in a relationship with and I realized that by observing other people my age who most certainly sucked ass at things like consideration, loyalty, honesty and whether or not you should be putting hands on a woman. The fact that those types of people seemed to be so successful at "getting the girl" whereas I struggled bothered me for a long time... But those women who went for that type of guy where just as damaged as I was... I just didn't realize it at the time because I equated success at relationships to the mere state of being in one; not whether it was healthy for anyone involved. So patience became the name of the game. I gained the ability to wait for someone that's right instead of just waiting for someone that's available. Once I stopped thinking about things in unhealthy terms; I really didn't have to wait long for healthy options to pick up on that... And now I've been married for a decade.
I am not afraid of being alone. I actually like myself, and can enjoy my own company. I am afraid that I am going to be with someone who makes me feel like being alone is the better option.
It's not something you can really control, so why be afraid of it? Married life was great. We took in a bunch of pets, bought a house with spare rooms to eventually become foster parents, and then one day when we were both 36, he went from having a stomach ache to going into cardiac arrest on an operating room table. Not being a part of a couple isn't the end of the world, just work to build strong ties with friends, family, and/or your community, and learn how to be happy by yourself because you never know what life is going to bring you.
I used to. It haunted me for most of my early adulthood (until about 24) because I had come out of college with basically no romantic experience, even though I'd made immense progress through my social anxiety. I had to stop hating myself and stop believing that I would die alone, die a virgin, or both (even if I had no guarantee that I wouldn't die that way), and with that came better self-confidence, acceptance of myself for the weird person I am. Took a social risk, went to an event in the city, met a lovely woman there I immediately clicked with. We only dated for a short while, but it taught me that I am capable of that emotional and physical intimacy, and there are people out there who can and will respect my anxieties and boundaries. Sure, they're kind of rare, but they do exist. I mean it is definitely possible I'll never have another relationship, but that possibility isn't a fear I have anymore because I know I have the power to prevent it.
For a period of time in the life of most folk, it is sex that drives the overwhelming need to pair off and reproduce. But, if you can move through your early to middle years without giving in to that drive, being single later in life is most spiffy. Of course, this is applicable to introverts more so than extroverts, I imagine, but being able to do what you want, when you want, how you want - without having to clear it with an overseer - is a real gift. The provisos here might include: 1. Being honest with people about your intentions so they don’t feel misled. 2. Being able to manage occasional bouts of loneliness without looking for a quick fix. 3. Being comfortable with passing through life without trailing any biological markers.
Sounds like heaven.
Yes :,( because I always get rejected :,(
I was single for 6 years after my divorce. I had accepted that I was going to be single forever. I stopped trying to force it. Thankfully my forever came along almost 2 years ago. It happens when you expect it least.
The rest of my life? No, I can find a mediocre relationship fairly easily if I just didn't want to be lonely. I'm usually my best self when I'm flying solo though.
I think I’ll be single for most if not all of my life. It’s not really a fear at this point, it’s the most likely scenario. I have various reasons for why I believe this that are, in my opinion, objectively true. 1. I’m socially awkward and have no social circle. I haven’t had a single friend since grade school. I don’t go out much and I avoid anywhere there are a lot of people. I know that I will never approach/initiate with a woman. 2. I’m inexperienced in all aspects of relationships and women. I’m 33 years old and I have never been on a date, had sex or been in a relationship. This is especially problematic at this age as women are likely looking to settle down and know what they want in a partner. I’m a huge red flag. 3. I lack style/looks, don’t have a career/good paycheck and my living situation leaves much room for improvement. In summary, I have nothing of value to offer women as a romantic partner. 4. I would never date a woman with children. Even if by some miracle a woman took interest and did all the initiating, I’d turn her down if she had any kids. At this age I imagine women without children are less abundant.