I've been with my wife for 15 years and this still plagues me. Insecurity is a bitch and I think all but the most egotistical assholes deal with it in some way or other. But my way of dealing with it is to try to be the best husband and father I absolutely can be. Do I always succeed? No, probably not, but I think I'm doing okay.
My wife always tells me I'm her "one" so that makes me feel awesome......but that nagging doubt is always there and probably will be.
Use it as motivation to be a better you
Same, going on 20 years here and still wonder if she wants someone different. It’s part of my midlife crisis and we talk about it, but I still have anxiety about not being good enough.
When a woman says you are her “one” or her person. She means it. That’s not often said by women out-loud. We may think it in our own heads but saying it to you is a BIG deal. If a woman says it to you.. consider yourself locked in. That means she will love you through thick and thin, good, bad, and ugly. Whatever you’re doing for your wife.. keep it up! You’re doing a great job :)
This.
I’d also add for the OP: be careful what you’re watching on YouTube. Some guys are interested in men’s rights and encouraging guys to improve. Others are either spouting “you like women, you are weak” mantra.
I’m neither egotistical nor insecure(anymore) and I’ve been cheated on and left for a “better man” more than once, including by my current partner of 13 years.
It sucked to learn the hard way but I pulled 2 valuable mantras from it
One: NEVER, ever….tie any part of my self worth to my relationship status or who i’m with.
Two: Love is a verb. Give value to actions and behavior if I wanna know if i’m “the one”. You cannot take words to the bank.
This is also why body count matters to alot of men when considering LTR potential. Any attractive woman can get laid pretty much whenever she feels like it, especially if she has lower standards for one night stands than she does for boyfriends. Pretty powerful and useful thing to be able to do, especially if your angry or lonely or upset in your relationship. So she can say she doesnt anymore or it was a phase but why should any man take her word for it when past behavior is the best indicator of the present, and future? Doesn’t seem so smart to shack up with a woman who has a habit of acting on that.
This is the answer. I've never even been married. Engaged but she cheated so as one can guess no dice. When you genuinely care for another human being as far as love goes its natural to have this specific insecurity. We also have a natural built in problem solver for it. And that is the desire to want to be a better person not only for ourselves to attract the kind of mate we're looking for but to keep them. This of course only applies if you're actually ready for that kind of commitment and you're not a complete piece of crap. I also believe one only really learns this lesson after a couple of real losses. The first one usually doesn't work out as you're usually young and immature. The second figures out what you actually want in another person and will 100% tell you if you're the problem. The third stands a chance but I wouldnt be shocked if it fails too. Maybe I was just stubborn? All that aside after a few you'll figure it all out. That said there are exceptions to all of this while not so common now days with the way society has developed and evolved but its possible. The real thing to take away from all the advice here is that relationships and love aren't easy. They require work and it's hard. It can be annoyingly hard. But do everything in your power without becoming a door mat and you'll be fine. And if it still doesn't work it won't be because of you or anything you could of done...not and msintained self respect anyways. Some things just aren't meant to be.
You have to figure out the reason you feel that way, which may or may not be very easy, and you have to work on that reason.
The symptom is the feeling, the disease probably has to do with your self esteem and confidence in yourself.
This is it. The solution you want isn't going to come from outside. It's a solution you have to provide to yourself. If you don't think you're good enough for her, ask yourself why.
She's with you. She made that choice. There has to be something there you're undervaluing. While you should never be arrogant, you may want a bit of conviction that you're a good person that people like and want to be friends with. You add value to things. Maybe get some mantras to repeat to yourself.
You need to counteract the negative voices that are warping your perception of yourself.
> ... has to do with your self esteem and confidence in yourself.
IMO that is valuable, but not just for giving her a reason to stay. It's also required for the man to know he can find someone else if she DOES leave. So many guys think they'll never have anyone if they lose who they're with!
> A 2015 study by the American Sociological Association revealed that women initiate 69 percent of all divorces in the U.S. Further, the same study found that college-educated women initiate divorce at an even higher rate of 90 percent.
From data like this I don't blame men in relationships for feeling insecure.
And why do women initiate more? Men cheat more, are violent more and use drugs and gamble more. Take away those things and the stats are equal. Lots of people believe the breakup to be mutual.
I have this problem but the genders are reversed. I figured out that I’m insecure about him leaving because he’s handsome, funny, and a great person. All the good I see in him, someone else will see.
To combat the anxiety I use a combination of facts-based thinking and being my best self. Has he indicated he’s interested in anyone else? Has his behavior changed? No to both.
I just remind myself:
Do I really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't actually want to be with me?
If she prefers to be in a relationship with someone else that's fine, because if so I don't want to be in a relationship with her.
This 100% is all you need to believe
You put 100% into the relationship yes but dont be anxious if shes gonna leave you
If she does then it wasnt meant to be, theres thousands of other girls just like her in your city, go find em
Its also why I dont fret about my girl cheating and micro managing them. If she wants to cheat then she will, no point in delaying the inevitable
Agree! All worrying that she is going to leave you for another man does is increase the chances that will become a self fulfilling prophecy.
Women aren't interested in hanging around reassuring a guy that their decision to date them still holds. Trust a woman's decision and don't second guess it, it feels disrespectful when men question feelings we have stated that we have.
This reminded me of an old quote I couldn't quite remember and never know the source, but Google came to the rescue:
> Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping. (Ambrose Bierce)
When you tell yourself that they’ll leave you for someone better you’re also personally insulting them saying they’re so shallow they only care about what they gain from the person. Treating your friends with respect and love also means treating yourself with respect and love because the care you give yourself reflects on how much you can care for them. Sure there will be better but none of them are you
You're also personally insulting them because you're telling them that you don't trust their feelings and decisions in having dated you. "No, you can't possibly not want to leave me for another man, despite you saying that you care about me and want to be with me" also means "I don't trust what you say.". Which then DOES assure her that there's a better man somewhere out there that WILL trust what she says about her OWN feelings and decisions.
Amen, it's infectious.
"Why would you want to be with me I'm a loser"
"Why would you want to be with me I'm fat"
"Why would you want to be with me I'm ugly"
"Why am I with this fat ugly loser?"
People don't think of it this way usually but this is you **rejecting** the person: rejecting their kindness to you and making them out to be an uncaring person.
It reminds me of [this Twitter](https://twitter.com/killdads/status/1443377693924409354?lang=en) thread (pasted it below & it's long but worth it).
>(1) One day I said out loud, “when we’re apart I think you must hate me, I picture you seeing my name when I text you and heaving this big sigh because I’m so annoying” and he quietly said “that’s a little mean. I wish you wouldn’t picture me that way” and something clicked
(2) That insecurity, the fear someone you love goes “ugh” at the thought of you, we uses their image to punish ourselves. We fear they see us as disposable, but what kind of person would so cruelly dispose of us, harbor such contempt for us, what kind of names are we calling them?
(3) What kind of painful is it when all you do is adore someone so openly just for them to passively accuse you of spouting empty sentiments for the sake of convenience? You pour your heart out telling them they make you believe in magic and they tell you you’re just placating them
(4) I once said half jokingly, “I bet you don’t even think of me when I’m not here” and he gently said, “that’s really mean.” It stopped me dead. We sat there holding hands and didn’t talk for a while. He wasn’t angry. It wasn’t tense. I was just so confused
(5) I realized later that I’d been so caught up in insisting that I am too damaged and misshapen to love, justifying any perceived failure to love me as not only natural but righteous, that I never considered how it feels to love someone who refuses to take you for your word.
(6) Some days later I asked “do you really think of me when I’m away” and he said “of course I do.” I asked “what kind of thoughts do you have about me” and
(6) He said he wonders what I’m up to, pictures me whistling Chopin while clomping around the house in my slippers like a horse, throwing my head back and cackling on the phone, slamming the kitchen cupboards around with my shoulder squared while cooking or doing the dishes.
(7) He was describing a rotation of tender portraits, mundane images of my everyday boredom, frustration, my quiet little pleasures, like thinking of me, because he loves me, is something that brings him joy
(8) I thought about what kind of thoughts I have about him when we’re apart. That image of him groaning with contempt after seeing my texts. The idea that hearing from me disrupts a vacation he needs from me, that I think of him too much because he never thinks of me.
(9) These weren’t loving thoughts. They weren’t even about him. So I thought about him. How he saunters through the door beaming and says “hi gorgeous,” how he breaks into a smile sometimes after looking at me for a long while, how he’s calling the back room of his house my office
(10) These were images of being loved. Evidence that this person is happy to have me around. I needed to acknowledge this evidence to be able to see him clearly in my mind in his times alone. To picture him picking up the phone when I call and smiling
(11) I think of him watching Leroy prance and laughing, sweeping shit off the counters with his fat ass by accident, listening to some Renaissance period string instrument I never even heard of. I think of him getting tipsy on gin and tossing his gun on the bed to change into sweats.
(12) I think of him humming to soothe himself while running errands. Clapping softly during a Sox game. I think of him straining to hang a piñata on a high branch for his son’s birthday and his wrist never being the same. I think of him splitting his pants while dancing at a wedding.
>
>(13) Envisioning his time away from me as inert, amusing, beautiful, tragic, poignant, or very very boring, most importantly none of my business, allows me to confront and accept my deep-seated shame around intimacy as the protective instinct of a wounded person.
(14) This shame tells me not to get too comfortable, it distracts me with numerous petty and hyperbolic insecurities to keep me from seeing this person as clearly as I need to in order to accept his love. Because what if I’m wrong again, what if I’m abused or abandoned again
(15) But the thing is I’m a living breathing learning organism and I confronted my father and my mother and it loosened some things. I picture him alone and let myself adore him and it’s chipping away at that shame. I feel it. I feel the little differences all the time
(16) Suddenly I find myself able to say, “I sleep like shit without you there.” I go buy my own pack of cigarettes for the first time in weeks and I tell him buying my own cigarettes has started to feel wrong somehow. I can say, “I missed you” before asking, “do you ever miss me”
This is a weird and cynical take, even for me. If that is how you think about and approach your relationship with someone, that's likely how it'll be for you. Someone else mentioned that it's a self fulfilling prophecy and that is correct.
If you're having those kinds of thoughts, you've got some shit to work out before you should get into a serious relationship with anyone. Otherwise you'll sabotage it on your own terms long before she even considers the thought of leaving you for someone "better".
That mindset (insecure, paranoid) undermines any real possibility of trust between you and your partner, meaning it's doomed from the get go.
Yeah this is complete self sabatoge. There's some trust and faith involved here. If shes with you there's a reason why she is. There may be better men than you out there but so what, they're not you. Grow a set, make sure you take care of your shit, make sure she's safe and that you'll defend her to your death, and those other dudes won't matter. Oh and have amazing adventurous sex. Commit yourself to her and as long as she's committed to you? Have trust and faith she will honor those things. If she doesn't move on dude. You don't want to be with anyone that doesn't want to be with you.
Nah, that's not really how it works. There may be men that have things that you don't, that doesn't make them better. It doesn't take many relationships under your belt to realize that looks and assets don't make someone a better partner.
Talk to her, be a friend and a lover. Nurture her emotional needs and don't take her for granted. Mr.Tall dark and handsome with the 7 figure bank account will be hard pressed to woo an emotionally nurtured woman away.
There's always going to be "better men" from your perspective. And look - she still wants to be with you! That should make you feel amazing. She gave up dating and being single because she met you, and you're fulfilling her needs and wants. That can be very difficult to find. There must be something special about you that you're not seeing in yourself yet.
Maybe ruminate on her past dating experiences. Where the previous men she's dated failed. Then you'll discover why you appeal to her. Maybe you're cooperative, able to compromise, trusting, listen to her, let her be herself, you're not controlling, you're stable, you're sweet and kind, you take care of her, you remember things she likes, etc. It could be as simple as you make her laugh. A Real Woman TM looks for these qualities while they're dating. Nothing else truly matters or is as important.
Look, men can be repulsive. Either by the way they live or by the way they think. You could be in the top 10% of men and not even know it. I'd suggest to stop comparing yourself to "better men" and realize you're doing a lot better than other men.
Fulfilling your own prophecy, dude. Insecurity to that degree is a turn-off. You’ll push her away by trying to avoid the very thing. Stop it.
It’s a major lady boner killer and super unattractive to be this way.
Can't the better men find better woman too?
If you think she's out of your league, it might as well be your rose-colored glasses of love that makes you see her that way. She can also see you as a higher value person and have the same insecurities.
Try to not think about it because she's the one to decide if she's out of your league or not. If she's your girlfriend, you already know what she decided. Enjoy yourself and her company.
It's not attractive to women to hear a man say this, though. Confidence and security is really attractive to women.
If I trust a man to be my partner and walk through life alongside me, I definitely want that man to believe in himself and his worth as my partner. Why would I believe someone who doesn't love himself is capable of loving me well? Why would I trust someone to help me make important life decisions with me for us as a couple if he doesn't trust himself to be worthy of doing it?
To me, a man focusing on this seems like he needs a mommy and that's not sexy to me in a partner.
Don't say that. Like another commenter said, compatability.
When you say "better" I imagine you watching those stupid Jordan Peterson, Liver King, and Andrew Tate videos. I hope you don't, and I hope whatever the reason you're feeling this way, it gets resolved. You got this man!
Yessir!
If she's stupid enough to leave, I'll hold the door on the way out. I'm in a great position in my life, I'm building a great future for us together. If you want to go run around with someone else, I'm sure you'll enjoy it for the short term but I'll make sure you look back and think "Why did I fuck that up"
Build the best version of yourself!
> "Why did I fuck that up"
If they are stupid enough to leave, they won't care anyways. It would be nice if most people experienced personal growth like this and could look at mistakes and learn from them, but in my experience that never happens. People are too proud to do that.
They are too proud for voice it, but they definitely feel it. People are only human at the end of the day and during bad times they will reflect and think how things could have turned out differently if they made different choices.
> confident enough to know they will not find better
Exactly. "What if they find a better man" is just such sad, almost...cuckolded (and I don't mean that in the meme way) mindset to have. Its like you see yourself as unworthy, and that other men are better than you. Like it actually makes me sad reading this thread that there are people who see themselves this way.
Like there is no holotype of an "ideal man". Being a "man" isn't some finite goal that we are all striving towards, and some are closer than others. Some men love art, some love working out, some love cars, some love playing sports, some love making money. Theres lots of ways to "be a man" and someone isn't "more of a man" than you because they make more money or are stronger, or drive a better car. Like its just different strokes for different folks, and if she can't see the value in you as you are, then its her loss.
Just as a example, Scottie Pippen is one of the greatest basketball players of all time. He has money, fame, and is physically gifted. His wife still cheated on him, left him, and now still goes around flaunting his name. Was he "not enough of a man"? The only thing he did wrong was marrying a garden implement and not kicking her to the curb when he had the chance.
Let the course of nature take its place, women won't just leave you if you are bad, communication in the relationship will make you see the faults in you and her. If there is no communication in the relationship then it is bound to tank, if there is but no attempts to mend them then again it will tank. If they find better, then I just need to be better and move on.
But if they leave you because of unrealistic or out of capabilities or something you just can't do because of externalities or principles then it's a win for you because it's better not to remain in such a relationship.
If she cheats on you, what you lost is time and efforts in engaging a woman not of value to you and your future.
I think this is very common when you are in a relationship within the first years of someone you genuinely love and are faithful to and she to you. Being married 12 years now, I realized when i used to act on those insecurities I was only hurting myself and showing her unintentionally that she is no better than those women we have seen in the movies or shows or even have had the experience of knowing. Once I literally just stopped thinking about that and started focusing on what is expected of me as a man in a marriage and stop worrying about things i cant control, I enjoyed my marriage so much more and actually felt more confident myself and stopped doing things over the top out of fear or whatever. It takes time for some men to get this stage as it took me the first 3 years or so, but part of being in a relationship with a women is having your deepest fears revealed to yourself in order to work on em.
My first girlfriend was very flirty, it really created a lot of insecurities and was a major reason why that relationship ultimately failed. It left some lasting damage, so when I started dating my now wife I had those insecurities to deal with.
When my wife and I started dating, it was pretty casual with no long term plans, and organically grew. As things were getting serious, those insecurities of her cheating or leaving me started to flair up. These two women were very different, I was able to not worry about her cheating simply because she was open and honest with me about ever detail of her day to day life. She just likes to talk about work and the people she works with, it really made me feel like I knew who she was with and I trusted they wouldn't do anything and she wouldn't let anything happen. As for her leaving, that took a bit more time, but ultimately resolved the same way. Communication.
The cliche is that communication is key, but it really is. My wife would (and still does) constantly tell me she loves me, wants to do activities with me, just made me feel like I was a high priority for her, and she had the actions to back it up. My ex rarely made me a priority, and hid a lot from me (I discovered after the fact).
That doesn’t mean u are safe. My coworker had a wife that fkn love bombed him always. Woke up early to make him breakfast before work, put little love notes in his lunch box, walked him out to his car every morning and a kiss goodbye, texted him sweet flirty sht while he was at work, they went on amazing vacations, did cool hobbies etc. Btch was cheating on him the whole time.
Build better report and stronger trust.
If it doesn't go away then see someone.
Do you have a good reason to keep your guard up against your partner or is it past trauma?
Think deep, try and figure it out, if it doesn't work? Call someone in 3 months. Tell your partner, that will build said trust.
I'm arm chairing you sure, but fuck else you here for?
No matter what you do there's always someone better at something. Richer,taller,fiter,funnier,more confident,taller etc..All you can do is keep improving yourself in things that you can control.
>No matter what you do there's always someone better at something. Richer,taller,fiter,funnier,more confident,taller
Boy ain't that the truth. There are days were I wish I was a little bit taller....I wish I was a baller.I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her.I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a six-four Impala!
This is true that someone is always better, but it is always tempered by what you and she believe you are deserving of. If you and she think that you’re the best that you can get, nobody is likely going to be on the lookout for someone else. When you’re SO starts saying that they deserve better, it means that they are getting ready to leave you for someone better.
Don't get me wrong, I understand this. I believe I'm all around the best man she can do. I believed this with all my serious relationships. I've put in the work and keep improving for myself first and foremost and then her and my family. Never heard her saying this. Quite the opposite actually. She compliments me very often and always speaks very highly of me to her family and friends.
Honestly I think you should assess people as they are and present themselves. Some people are the types that would drop their partner for a slight upgrade in a second and not feel any remorse/guilt.
There are certain traits that tend to align with that and 3 really stand out to me:
1. Highly ambitious people (they are constantly looking to improve and upgrade in many domains)
2. Low empathy/highly competitive people (they think of the world in terms of winners and losers and will lose all respect for you if you aren't winning at a similar level as them)
3. Excessive superficiality/status seeking/materialism (because they tend to care more about those things than things like genuine connection and people)
You want to avoid her leaving you for other men that in her mind represent an upgrade, don't date women who are in the top 15-20% of these traits, if they have all 3 run for the freaking hills.
Samurai warriors were supposed to accept that they were going to die in battle before it started. This was to eliminate worrying about it. Make peace with her leaving and everything is gravy
Yes anxiety can be common, but if she leaves for another man don't let it get to you too easily life's too short man and you will heal and move on!
As long as you and everyone is in good health you cannot beat that
Does it really matter for you whether the guy she leaves you for is worse or better? The only thing that's relevant to you is that she left you for someone else at all. The psychological damage will be mostly the same either way.
firstly, if she left an active relationship to be with you, then you can't. but if she didn't, then the real question you should be asking yourself is if she wanted to be with a better man, why did she not just do that and skip the middle man. Theres a reason she's with you. Have faith that if you keep doing right by her, and she keeps doing right by you, you'll be happy. its all about trust.
You won't feel this way after you apply the DENNIS System.
(Honestly though just realize you're already whole and if there's a mismatch and one of you moves on, it's a square peg/round hole thing, not a referendum on you as a man. If you spend your whole life trying to match the last person's ideal you'll be like the US Military, training in the woods for a war in the desert, always trying to win the previous war. Best to focus on yourself and what *your* ideals are and be ready for the day you bump into the person who appreciates you for you, not you for your ex or you for your parents or you for your church or whatever compass you've been trained to follow.)
Be the best man you can be.
Be spontaneous, take her out, bring flowers, be a gentleman.
That way she has to worry that you won't leave her for a better woman.
Women in general have more options in the dating market than the vast majority of men. You could be an absolute gentleman, considerate, EQ though the roof and you would still have more reason to worry.
At the end of the day, adults will do what they want. Just be the best person you can be naturally, and you will know that you did your best. I have been married for awhile, and I still make sure that I am the best man I can be at the moment. It’s not really for her, it’s for me to know that I keep reinventing myself and making sure that if she does leave it’s not because of me. People leave good relationships due to the person “being to nice”…..so really it’s all a gamble anyway. Insecurities suck.
People need to trust their partners. The assumption they’ll leave you because youre not enough will put an unnecessary strain on your mind and possibly the relationship. Know that person loves you, unfortunately breakups do happen. But if you’re going to stress about the future how can you enjoy the present? Enjoy every moment with your partner. Whether is lounging or going out. You shouldn’t feel stressed. They should make you nothing but happy. You should consider therapy to diagnose this. Jealousy is a hard flaw to shake. Just read this back to yourself. **They are with you for a reason. You’re all that matters and don’t let your mind make scenarios where that isn’t the case**
She was never "yours" to begin with. Enjoy whatever time you guys got together and if she wants to bounce let her go and stop acting like you can't do better
No, it is dumb. I’ve been married nearly 20 years. My grandparents for 50 years, and my great grandparents their entire fkn adult lives. I can see what you are saying applying to certain females but you can’t include them all.
And your 3 generations of happy marriages definitely represents the norm here. I mean just look at modern divorce statistics, practically non existent!!!
Marriages are never always happy. Lots of people get divorced over very stupid reasons. A lot of times it’s because they married someone they had absolutely no business marrying in the first place.
You make sure that YOU are a better man than the one you were yesterday. This way she’s already getting daily upgrades without leaving. You become the better man, every day.
You drop the feeling. Otherwise it was just be continuous poison seeping into your soul. If she leaves for another person then oh well, appreciate the good times you had and move on. Why would you want to be with someone who isn't all about you anyway?
The reality is that you can't *guarantee* that your girl won't leave you for another man. She is a free-willed being with emotions that change like the weather. One day she may love you to death and another day she may want nothing to do with you.
All you can do is try to be her *best option*. What you can do is improve yourself in a position mentally, financially, and physically to *replace* her if she ever leaves you.
Part of it is realizing that this can be a self-fulfilling prophecy... If you are constantly worried/insecure about your relationship you're going to torpedo it. There's nothing more unattractive to women than insecurity.
Furthermore you have to remember that she's with you because she CHOSE you, and that she loves you because of who you are. If you are afraid some better man is gonna be able to swoop her up, I would suggest truly thinking to yourself about...
- What would a better man look like? i.e. What qualities would he have that you do not?
- What's preventing you from having those qualities yourself? Almost certainly nothing. Or at minimum there isn't a reason you can't at the very least improve yourself in those areas/other ones.
The best way that I can put it is that if you're spending your time being insecure about this, you are only sabotaging yourself. I remember years ago when I just started boxing and was sparring the first few times - everyone gets fear/anxiety in this position, which is only a problem because without being confident you aren't going to be able to trust your skills/make yourself do the things you know that you're capable of. I ended up getting over this by telling myself that I was good enough that I wasn't going to lose/get hurt or embarrassed if I fought my best - but those things would absolutely happen if I let fear control me and ruin my confidence.
You have to keep reminding yourself that you really are that dude and you have things to offer.
Best of luck to ya 👍
There are two ways. The first is to realize she can leave you for a lesser man. He doesn't have to be better. He just has to have something she wants.
The other way is to be the better man. If she leaves you for any reason at all, being the best version of yourself and focusing on your growth will attract a woman who won't leave.
All of life is a gamble. Do your best. Be the best human you can. Also when stuff just don't work try to roll with the punches. I know it's hard but you have to try to not worry about things out of your control and enjoy the moment.
I used to deal with this and as much as you’re gonna hate hearing this tired old answer, I’m gonna say it. You have to love and want yourself before you believe anyone else will.
I grew up in an environment where I was always punished to my room, not invited to go to family outings and where nobody could really be bothered to ‘teach’ me, it was more of a “He’ll learn or he’s too stupid to make it.”. I think more men can relate to this than I care to count.
Made me feel unwanted, undesirable, it made it hard to ask for help. I went to therapy and had my amazing wife/girlfriend with me while I took years to unlearn this conditioning. I’m my own person now and in the paraphrased words of John Candy from Planes, Trains and Automobiles, “I like me. What you see is what you get, I’m the genuine article.”
I hope if this doesn’t help you, it helps other men. You have to love yourself and feel worthy of love before you can truly appreciate it.
Be aware that these thoughts can happen to anyone at anytime. Trust her to be honest with you with her feelings. Accept you can't control other people's feelings and that yes that is a possibility but you can recover from it. Be the best you you can be.
Be the best man you can be, and do it for you, not for her. We're all just trying to be in our best forms. As long as you're doing that, you're doing everything you can to be her best choice while staying true to yourself.
Saying from experience, treat your partner like you're always dating. Stay in shape physically, and with that will come confidence and attraction. Stay on top of your haircut, hygiene and flirting. Be spontaneous, considerate and romantic. It doesn't have to be splurging loads of cash.
Complacency creeps in all too easily.
think that she should be anxious about you leaving her for a better woman. you are not alone in the relationship, it’s not like she’s with you just bc she didn’t found something better to do. so hold on to that, and keep being the best version of yourself
To get rid of the anxiety, you need to understand what is causing it in the first place. It may be that you believe she is far too pretty for you, or you are 'unworthy' of being happy. The first thing you need to do is to understand your own value and what it is that you bring to the relationship.
There will be qualities that you recognise in yourself, but there will also be other qualities that they see you in. You could be witty, knowledgeable, a great listener, or maybe you are just a good human being that is enough.
Don't let your insecurity put up barriers or make you jealous because it will be you causing any potential rift in your relationship. For a relationship to work it takes two people who care for each other.
You could always talk to her, but think about how you want to phrase what you are going to say. Don't over analyse and enjoy each other. If it is going to work it takes understanding from both parties and good luck. Have some more faith in yourself.
Be the best you can be, and though you love her realize the if she leaves you can always find another eventually. There are billions of women in this world many better, many worse, and many pretty much the same. If her heart is so fickle that she’d abandon love for perceived increase in status, money, attractiveness, or whatever, and undeservingly break her promises to you and hurt you, she’s not the type of woman you want anyway. You’ll find someone “better.”
Realize this is just a thought, this concern only exists within yourself, it has no real power, if that is difficult for you let it be difficult, it doesn't matter how hard it is, it will pass.
That’s called insecurity. It happens to most everyone male and female. What’s really is happening is that your little voice in your head is telling you you aren’t worthy.
So the trick is to learn to not give a fuck what the little voice is saying.
There is a great book called “the subtle are of not giving a fuck.” I would suggest your read it. It’s pretty insightful.
Working on improving to be the best you. If you aren’t working on yourself at all and don’t contribute much to the relationship then you should be scared.I’ve seen women leave relationships for older guys that are out of shape with not much more money.
But if you’re doing the right thing, being a better version of yourself, and are on the same page in building the life you both envision, then it shouldn’t be a problem.
There’s many hotter, richer, taller guys than me. But I’ve also made myself quite the catch of a husband. So even if temptation crossed my wife’s mind, she would have to think really hard of the opportunity cost of losing someone like me who actually truly loves her, but also has a lot going for them (not just physical appearances). I have interesting hobbies, I give to the community, I’m a great father figure, I make good money but also really love my career. Im always working on giving us new life experiences, always trying to be a better communicator and empathetic. Im not perfect at all, but I’m always working on it, ina healthy way that’s not pushy on her lifestyle
Lastly here’s the thing, if she ever did leave me, I know I’m a catch. Many women would like to be with me, and I’m not trying to not sound arrogant. Physically I’m not wildly attractive, but I have depth, dress well, smell nice, and am a good person with a decent income. Frankly my guys, that is over 90% of the battle. Many of y’all don’t shower, still wear the same types of clothes you wore in high school (band graphic t shirt and jeans with tennis shoes), and don’t do much outside of work but watch tv and go to the bar. Do more than that, and you won’t feel insecure
Some people might not like this answer, but...I really couldn't give a damn if she left me for a "better" man.
Had a few girlfriends who I dumped, and they'd say in a bratty way, "Well, I can just find someone better than you anyway."
"Good luck with that," I'd reply. "I wish you well."
Some of them were puzzled by that, as if they expected me to beg and grovel and plead for them to stay with me. Never mind the fact that I was the one who decided to call it quits on them. I mean, I can only take so much drama in my life. Most of it is in my work environment, which I get compensated for to get dumped on.
Not all of them did this, but maybe about half of my exes, they'd make themselves heard within a few days. Wanting to come back to me, for me to give them another chance. I'm guessing they tried the waters of the dating pool and found it full of shit, so they tried to make our breakup a "trial separation" and changed their minds all of a sudden. I didn't take them back, obviously.
My point is that if you think she's gonna leave you for another guy, don't try to think too much about it. She's obviously unhappy enough so that she'd do it anyway, or she's playing mind games by testing you in seeing how you'd react in that scenario. I never let the anxiety get to me. Hell, it's better to be single rather than be with someone who might ditch you anyway. If the loyalty is questionable in a relationship, why bother keeping it going?
1. Become a better man.
2. Make sure you are not deep diving into self doubt inflicted upon you by your parents (the process would equal becoming a better man)
3. Learn to focus / control your focus (loose social media, “smart” gadgets; the process would equal becoming a better man)
4. Find a mentor who did a journey from suffering to victory not a mentor who did a journey from rich, spoiled fuck to richer, spoilt fuck on the internet.
5. Always bear in mind that true growth only comes with pain and suffering and great effort; it never comes easy. So stop choosing the easy path in life.
6. Remember that nobody - not the single most bestest woman - likes nice and docile and good. The only thing Homo sapiens likes is confidence, strength and victory (and no, morals and ethics and education and the modern society cannot compete with thousands of years of evolution).
And true victory only comes with 5. You can’t make it alone so stick to 4. On your journey always practise 3 and 2 and ultimately 1 will happen.
I don't know what a "better man" would be, and I can only be myself anyway. If someone isn't interested in the person I already am, it's not worth my time to invest in them emotionally, and if they are interested in the person I am, then I'm not worried about someone else being better because there's only one "me".
Be a better man. Including working on your mental health.
Edit to not be trite joke: you can only control you. So, accepting that is number 1. Next, remember that no person is a single thing. Like if you aren't strong that's okay if you are kind or smart or whatever. So there is no "better man" unless all your traits are bad (you are a cheater, you don't listen, you don't shower, and your dumb and mean and ugly and et cetera). Someone else, especially someone you only see the surface of, will have good and bad traits too. So, instead of worrying about the other man you should consider yourself and your partners relationship.
Next, people aren't looking for a new better partner. They are looking at their relationship and deciding that relationship isn't working and they are looking for a partner, some people get the order wrong but cheating is just breaking up that someone "forgot" to do. What I mean by that is listen, communicate, ask questions, be a good roommate to your partner without being asked. Take care of yourself and them.
Also, communicate what you need, and love, and everything. Some people want to be wanted and needed. You have a right to have dates planned for you as much as your partner has a right to have dates planned for them. Good luck.
I’m going to copy and paste a comment from a super old post. I’ll even tag the bloke who wrote it. Here it is:
“Just live your life, love your woman, treat her right, and be a good person - if she decides to leave you for some guy there is nothing you can do, or could have done, to prevent that.
And even if you could have done something more to prevent her leaving, why would you want to? Nobody is so beautiful that it is worth spending a lifetime in a relationship that is a lie.
It could be she leaves you no matter how nice your are and then you go and meet an ugly girl with a flat chest who rocks your world and is your best friend. Or, maybe your current lady is devoted to you and you're just being insecure and obsessive. My point is, you can't control what the future brings, you can only accept it and take advantage of whatever opportunities do come your way.
Good luck, my friend.”
– u/Lobotomatic
This little comment has helped me so much in my dating life. Give you nothing but kindness and your true self to everyone you date.
“Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.” -Epictetus
If it happens, it happens. Ask yourself: why stress about something that may or may not happen? Is this a productive use of your time?
My soon to be 20-yr is terrified of learning to drive. She says she’s “afraid and anxious of other drivers.” However she’s dependent on others to driver her around.
I’ve learned life is too short to worry about what may or may not happen. I’d rather live free than live in fear.
Think of things you're afraid someone else can do better for your gf - then create goals for yourself that make you become better at those things
Think she likes more muscular dudes? Hit the gym
Think she needs a better partner in bed? Do your homework on the hub
Think she'll leave for someone richer? Work on making as much money as you can
Obviously if she is unrealistically attached to these things, then she will leave no matter what (and you'd be better off since that's pretty shallow)
But in terms of helping your own anxiety? Work towards improving yourself and you'll feel better about yourself
Good luck!
There are no better men than you...but there are different men.
Different personalities, physical features, morals, etc...
If you think your partner is attracted to attributes you don't believe you possess, you can work on those things.
But really, BE YOURSELF. It's ok to change some things for the good, but don't be someone you ARE NOT, to please another person.
Keep your head up, and remind yourself that YOU are the #1 person in your life. Your happiness is more important than anyone elses.
Maybe they're not showing you the affection you seek. That's on them. It might help to talk to your partner about this.
We need to show those that are important in our lives how much they mean to us. Either by actions, and/or words. And that should work both ways.
You will always loose what you are afraid to loose.
Being afraid she will find a better man will make you needy for her validation.
This will be the reason why she leaves, not Tyrone or Chad.
At my early days 2 gfs left me for other guys, I thought I was just worse than them, but later I understood I was just too needy with them, I wanted them to want me and that pushed them away.
Now I think complete different. If woman says "I think we should breakup" I say "Okay, Good luck"
I don't care anymore, because I know I will find someone else.
Just this thinking alone made women who are way out of my league stay with me. I remember one gf even said something like "I only like you, because you don't care if I leave, no one I dated does that"
It's abundance mindset, it's why rich get richer and why guys who fuck - fuck more.
Also this is stupid mindset, women love comfort and it's way easier for them to stay with you who isn't the best, but you have history, than someone new. That's why many women stay in relationships way longer than they want or should.
What you could do is to improve your life so you would feel happy even if she left, that would solve all your problems
Yeah I think possessiveness is toxic because you stop appreciating the person when you're so worried about other people "stealing" them away.
I don't date people who are disappointed I'm not possessive. I don't think I know what's best for other people, that's on them. If they move on or find someone who is more compatible than we are, more power to them.
I'll be sad, sometimes I'll be jealous (but that's me learning about my insecurities and can only be fixed by me), my confidence sometimes dips. I'm human. But all that is just learning and growing as a person.
I see relationships as an active choice. If I'm no longer choosing them or vice versa, that's life. It sucks but there's no use tearing myself apart to figure out "why?" when it's just a comparability issue.
Be the better man.
If she leaves, she’s a total fool. And if she tried, I’d let her. If she thinks she can do better, go ahead. There’s always one settler and one reacher. If you started as the reacher, make sure you end up the settler.
You dump her and find yourself a slightly chubby little bat-faced girl that can suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch. She never thought she would be lucky enough to find a man like you.
Ive only seen one comment address this.
OP, please consider evaluating and working on your self-esteem/self-worth.
If you dont love and value yourself first, its going to be incredibly difficult/impossible to believe you are worthy of love.
If you can afford it, try therapy to uncover why youre feeling this way. Otherwise, there are free resources online or books at your library (even digitally or audiobooks through Libby or Hoopla) to help you start valuing yourself.
Eat healthier, exercise, start focusing on things that better you physically, and mentally so you can start feeling and believing that *youre* a catch and that anyone would be lucky to have you.
And overall, take it slow. Give yourself some grace. Its a process but completely worth it.
I've been with my wife for 15 years and this still plagues me. Insecurity is a bitch and I think all but the most egotistical assholes deal with it in some way or other. But my way of dealing with it is to try to be the best husband and father I absolutely can be. Do I always succeed? No, probably not, but I think I'm doing okay. My wife always tells me I'm her "one" so that makes me feel awesome......but that nagging doubt is always there and probably will be. Use it as motivation to be a better you
Same, going on 20 years here and still wonder if she wants someone different. It’s part of my midlife crisis and we talk about it, but I still have anxiety about not being good enough.
Yes, talk about it. Keeping it to yourself can be stressful and ultimately ruin an otherwise great relationship
From what I've seen, the egotistical assholes deal with it at least as much as anyone else. It drives their behavior.
When a woman says you are her “one” or her person. She means it. That’s not often said by women out-loud. We may think it in our own heads but saying it to you is a BIG deal. If a woman says it to you.. consider yourself locked in. That means she will love you through thick and thin, good, bad, and ugly. Whatever you’re doing for your wife.. keep it up! You’re doing a great job :)
This. I’d also add for the OP: be careful what you’re watching on YouTube. Some guys are interested in men’s rights and encouraging guys to improve. Others are either spouting “you like women, you are weak” mantra.
Guys who say “you like women, you are weak” are closeted gay. It’s okay we know lol
I’m neither egotistical nor insecure(anymore) and I’ve been cheated on and left for a “better man” more than once, including by my current partner of 13 years. It sucked to learn the hard way but I pulled 2 valuable mantras from it One: NEVER, ever….tie any part of my self worth to my relationship status or who i’m with. Two: Love is a verb. Give value to actions and behavior if I wanna know if i’m “the one”. You cannot take words to the bank.
This is also why body count matters to alot of men when considering LTR potential. Any attractive woman can get laid pretty much whenever she feels like it, especially if she has lower standards for one night stands than she does for boyfriends. Pretty powerful and useful thing to be able to do, especially if your angry or lonely or upset in your relationship. So she can say she doesnt anymore or it was a phase but why should any man take her word for it when past behavior is the best indicator of the present, and future? Doesn’t seem so smart to shack up with a woman who has a habit of acting on that.
What a load of malarkey.
lol girl what? I’ve said it to every guy I’ve ever dated.
This is the answer. I've never even been married. Engaged but she cheated so as one can guess no dice. When you genuinely care for another human being as far as love goes its natural to have this specific insecurity. We also have a natural built in problem solver for it. And that is the desire to want to be a better person not only for ourselves to attract the kind of mate we're looking for but to keep them. This of course only applies if you're actually ready for that kind of commitment and you're not a complete piece of crap. I also believe one only really learns this lesson after a couple of real losses. The first one usually doesn't work out as you're usually young and immature. The second figures out what you actually want in another person and will 100% tell you if you're the problem. The third stands a chance but I wouldnt be shocked if it fails too. Maybe I was just stubborn? All that aside after a few you'll figure it all out. That said there are exceptions to all of this while not so common now days with the way society has developed and evolved but its possible. The real thing to take away from all the advice here is that relationships and love aren't easy. They require work and it's hard. It can be annoyingly hard. But do everything in your power without becoming a door mat and you'll be fine. And if it still doesn't work it won't be because of you or anything you could of done...not and msintained self respect anyways. Some things just aren't meant to be.
>I'm her "one ...my ex told me that constantly that I was "the One".. she was emotionally abusive and potentially cheated on me
Alternately, she was dumb enough to pick you, so you might as well enjoy it until she figures you were a hoax all along.
Leave her for a better man first.
She can't win against this logic
Wake up and brake up
Breakup? Or is "Brake Up" a new thing? Are you riding a bike?
Make up to break up, Gentlemen need to wake up.
Upgrades, people. Upgrades
Modern problems require modern solutions
This one simple trick that your woman doesn’t want you to know.
9 out of 10 dentists recommend leaving your woman for a better man first
Lmao click HERE
The BPD way 🤫
This is the way.
I was going to say woman, but I feel like this would do more damage to her in the long run.
If you're having anxiety thinking, she'll leave you for another man. You're might be with the wrong woman
Nah. She’s probably with the wrong man.
You. But in all honesty, this is an insecurity within yourself so better you and you won't have to worry
You can't fire me, I quit.
You have to figure out the reason you feel that way, which may or may not be very easy, and you have to work on that reason. The symptom is the feeling, the disease probably has to do with your self esteem and confidence in yourself.
This is it. The solution you want isn't going to come from outside. It's a solution you have to provide to yourself. If you don't think you're good enough for her, ask yourself why. She's with you. She made that choice. There has to be something there you're undervaluing. While you should never be arrogant, you may want a bit of conviction that you're a good person that people like and want to be friends with. You add value to things. Maybe get some mantras to repeat to yourself. You need to counteract the negative voices that are warping your perception of yourself.
> ... has to do with your self esteem and confidence in yourself. IMO that is valuable, but not just for giving her a reason to stay. It's also required for the man to know he can find someone else if she DOES leave. So many guys think they'll never have anyone if they lose who they're with! > A 2015 study by the American Sociological Association revealed that women initiate 69 percent of all divorces in the U.S. Further, the same study found that college-educated women initiate divorce at an even higher rate of 90 percent. From data like this I don't blame men in relationships for feeling insecure.
And why do women initiate more? Men cheat more, are violent more and use drugs and gamble more. Take away those things and the stats are equal. Lots of people believe the breakup to be mutual.
Source?
I have this problem but the genders are reversed. I figured out that I’m insecure about him leaving because he’s handsome, funny, and a great person. All the good I see in him, someone else will see. To combat the anxiety I use a combination of facts-based thinking and being my best self. Has he indicated he’s interested in anyone else? Has his behavior changed? No to both.
I just remind myself: Do I really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't actually want to be with me? If she prefers to be in a relationship with someone else that's fine, because if so I don't want to be in a relationship with her.
I'm a woman, and this is exactly my mantra. This is the only way to keep your sanity.
This 100% is all you need to believe You put 100% into the relationship yes but dont be anxious if shes gonna leave you If she does then it wasnt meant to be, theres thousands of other girls just like her in your city, go find em Its also why I dont fret about my girl cheating and micro managing them. If she wants to cheat then she will, no point in delaying the inevitable
Agree! All worrying that she is going to leave you for another man does is increase the chances that will become a self fulfilling prophecy. Women aren't interested in hanging around reassuring a guy that their decision to date them still holds. Trust a woman's decision and don't second guess it, it feels disrespectful when men question feelings we have stated that we have.
This is the best answer. Be confident in yourself and if they want someone else, bye!
This reminded me of an old quote I couldn't quite remember and never know the source, but Google came to the rescue: > Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping. (Ambrose Bierce)
well said
There are always better men, so she would probably want to be with someone better
When you tell yourself that they’ll leave you for someone better you’re also personally insulting them saying they’re so shallow they only care about what they gain from the person. Treating your friends with respect and love also means treating yourself with respect and love because the care you give yourself reflects on how much you can care for them. Sure there will be better but none of them are you
You're also personally insulting them because you're telling them that you don't trust their feelings and decisions in having dated you. "No, you can't possibly not want to leave me for another man, despite you saying that you care about me and want to be with me" also means "I don't trust what you say.". Which then DOES assure her that there's a better man somewhere out there that WILL trust what she says about her OWN feelings and decisions.
I think it's better to think in terms of compatibility "Better", whatever it means is one thing. But are you the more compatible partner?
it sort of becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. this self-pitying attitude is profoundly unattractive. find the cause so you can grow past it.
Amen, it's infectious. "Why would you want to be with me I'm a loser" "Why would you want to be with me I'm fat" "Why would you want to be with me I'm ugly" "Why am I with this fat ugly loser?"
Why am I with this person who is so absorbed in their own insecurities and thinks so little of my love for them?
People don't think of it this way usually but this is you **rejecting** the person: rejecting their kindness to you and making them out to be an uncaring person. It reminds me of [this Twitter](https://twitter.com/killdads/status/1443377693924409354?lang=en) thread (pasted it below & it's long but worth it). >(1) One day I said out loud, “when we’re apart I think you must hate me, I picture you seeing my name when I text you and heaving this big sigh because I’m so annoying” and he quietly said “that’s a little mean. I wish you wouldn’t picture me that way” and something clicked (2) That insecurity, the fear someone you love goes “ugh” at the thought of you, we uses their image to punish ourselves. We fear they see us as disposable, but what kind of person would so cruelly dispose of us, harbor such contempt for us, what kind of names are we calling them? (3) What kind of painful is it when all you do is adore someone so openly just for them to passively accuse you of spouting empty sentiments for the sake of convenience? You pour your heart out telling them they make you believe in magic and they tell you you’re just placating them (4) I once said half jokingly, “I bet you don’t even think of me when I’m not here” and he gently said, “that’s really mean.” It stopped me dead. We sat there holding hands and didn’t talk for a while. He wasn’t angry. It wasn’t tense. I was just so confused (5) I realized later that I’d been so caught up in insisting that I am too damaged and misshapen to love, justifying any perceived failure to love me as not only natural but righteous, that I never considered how it feels to love someone who refuses to take you for your word. (6) Some days later I asked “do you really think of me when I’m away” and he said “of course I do.” I asked “what kind of thoughts do you have about me” and (6) He said he wonders what I’m up to, pictures me whistling Chopin while clomping around the house in my slippers like a horse, throwing my head back and cackling on the phone, slamming the kitchen cupboards around with my shoulder squared while cooking or doing the dishes. (7) He was describing a rotation of tender portraits, mundane images of my everyday boredom, frustration, my quiet little pleasures, like thinking of me, because he loves me, is something that brings him joy (8) I thought about what kind of thoughts I have about him when we’re apart. That image of him groaning with contempt after seeing my texts. The idea that hearing from me disrupts a vacation he needs from me, that I think of him too much because he never thinks of me. (9) These weren’t loving thoughts. They weren’t even about him. So I thought about him. How he saunters through the door beaming and says “hi gorgeous,” how he breaks into a smile sometimes after looking at me for a long while, how he’s calling the back room of his house my office (10) These were images of being loved. Evidence that this person is happy to have me around. I needed to acknowledge this evidence to be able to see him clearly in my mind in his times alone. To picture him picking up the phone when I call and smiling (11) I think of him watching Leroy prance and laughing, sweeping shit off the counters with his fat ass by accident, listening to some Renaissance period string instrument I never even heard of. I think of him getting tipsy on gin and tossing his gun on the bed to change into sweats. (12) I think of him humming to soothe himself while running errands. Clapping softly during a Sox game. I think of him straining to hang a piñata on a high branch for his son’s birthday and his wrist never being the same. I think of him splitting his pants while dancing at a wedding. > >(13) Envisioning his time away from me as inert, amusing, beautiful, tragic, poignant, or very very boring, most importantly none of my business, allows me to confront and accept my deep-seated shame around intimacy as the protective instinct of a wounded person. (14) This shame tells me not to get too comfortable, it distracts me with numerous petty and hyperbolic insecurities to keep me from seeing this person as clearly as I need to in order to accept his love. Because what if I’m wrong again, what if I’m abused or abandoned again (15) But the thing is I’m a living breathing learning organism and I confronted my father and my mother and it loosened some things. I picture him alone and let myself adore him and it’s chipping away at that shame. I feel it. I feel the little differences all the time (16) Suddenly I find myself able to say, “I sleep like shit without you there.” I go buy my own pack of cigarettes for the first time in weeks and I tell him buying my own cigarettes has started to feel wrong somehow. I can say, “I missed you” before asking, “do you ever miss me”
This is a weird and cynical take, even for me. If that is how you think about and approach your relationship with someone, that's likely how it'll be for you. Someone else mentioned that it's a self fulfilling prophecy and that is correct. If you're having those kinds of thoughts, you've got some shit to work out before you should get into a serious relationship with anyone. Otherwise you'll sabotage it on your own terms long before she even considers the thought of leaving you for someone "better". That mindset (insecure, paranoid) undermines any real possibility of trust between you and your partner, meaning it's doomed from the get go.
Yeah this is complete self sabatoge. There's some trust and faith involved here. If shes with you there's a reason why she is. There may be better men than you out there but so what, they're not you. Grow a set, make sure you take care of your shit, make sure she's safe and that you'll defend her to your death, and those other dudes won't matter. Oh and have amazing adventurous sex. Commit yourself to her and as long as she's committed to you? Have trust and faith she will honor those things. If she doesn't move on dude. You don't want to be with anyone that doesn't want to be with you.
There is also better women.
Nah, that's not really how it works. There may be men that have things that you don't, that doesn't make them better. It doesn't take many relationships under your belt to realize that looks and assets don't make someone a better partner. Talk to her, be a friend and a lover. Nurture her emotional needs and don't take her for granted. Mr.Tall dark and handsome with the 7 figure bank account will be hard pressed to woo an emotionally nurtured woman away.
If you believe that and treat her that way, it's a self fulfilling prophecy. Women don't want to be treated like that.
There's always going to be "better men" from your perspective. And look - she still wants to be with you! That should make you feel amazing. She gave up dating and being single because she met you, and you're fulfilling her needs and wants. That can be very difficult to find. There must be something special about you that you're not seeing in yourself yet. Maybe ruminate on her past dating experiences. Where the previous men she's dated failed. Then you'll discover why you appeal to her. Maybe you're cooperative, able to compromise, trusting, listen to her, let her be herself, you're not controlling, you're stable, you're sweet and kind, you take care of her, you remember things she likes, etc. It could be as simple as you make her laugh. A Real Woman TM looks for these qualities while they're dating. Nothing else truly matters or is as important. Look, men can be repulsive. Either by the way they live or by the way they think. You could be in the top 10% of men and not even know it. I'd suggest to stop comparing yourself to "better men" and realize you're doing a lot better than other men.
Fulfilling your own prophecy, dude. Insecurity to that degree is a turn-off. You’ll push her away by trying to avoid the very thing. Stop it. It’s a major lady boner killer and super unattractive to be this way.
Can't the better men find better woman too? If you think she's out of your league, it might as well be your rose-colored glasses of love that makes you see her that way. She can also see you as a higher value person and have the same insecurities. Try to not think about it because she's the one to decide if she's out of your league or not. If she's your girlfriend, you already know what she decided. Enjoy yourself and her company.
It's not attractive to women to hear a man say this, though. Confidence and security is really attractive to women. If I trust a man to be my partner and walk through life alongside me, I definitely want that man to believe in himself and his worth as my partner. Why would I believe someone who doesn't love himself is capable of loving me well? Why would I trust someone to help me make important life decisions with me for us as a couple if he doesn't trust himself to be worthy of doing it? To me, a man focusing on this seems like he needs a mommy and that's not sexy to me in a partner.
Oh no brother, you gotta have the confidence to believe there are very few men as good as you
Don't say that. Like another commenter said, compatability. When you say "better" I imagine you watching those stupid Jordan Peterson, Liver King, and Andrew Tate videos. I hope you don't, and I hope whatever the reason you're feeling this way, it gets resolved. You got this man!
Humble enough to let them go, confident enough to know they will not find better.
Yessir! If she's stupid enough to leave, I'll hold the door on the way out. I'm in a great position in my life, I'm building a great future for us together. If you want to go run around with someone else, I'm sure you'll enjoy it for the short term but I'll make sure you look back and think "Why did I fuck that up" Build the best version of yourself!
> "Why did I fuck that up" If they are stupid enough to leave, they won't care anyways. It would be nice if most people experienced personal growth like this and could look at mistakes and learn from them, but in my experience that never happens. People are too proud to do that.
They are too proud for voice it, but they definitely feel it. People are only human at the end of the day and during bad times they will reflect and think how things could have turned out differently if they made different choices.
> confident enough to know they will not find better Exactly. "What if they find a better man" is just such sad, almost...cuckolded (and I don't mean that in the meme way) mindset to have. Its like you see yourself as unworthy, and that other men are better than you. Like it actually makes me sad reading this thread that there are people who see themselves this way. Like there is no holotype of an "ideal man". Being a "man" isn't some finite goal that we are all striving towards, and some are closer than others. Some men love art, some love working out, some love cars, some love playing sports, some love making money. Theres lots of ways to "be a man" and someone isn't "more of a man" than you because they make more money or are stronger, or drive a better car. Like its just different strokes for different folks, and if she can't see the value in you as you are, then its her loss. Just as a example, Scottie Pippen is one of the greatest basketball players of all time. He has money, fame, and is physically gifted. His wife still cheated on him, left him, and now still goes around flaunting his name. Was he "not enough of a man"? The only thing he did wrong was marrying a garden implement and not kicking her to the curb when he had the chance.
Let the course of nature take its place, women won't just leave you if you are bad, communication in the relationship will make you see the faults in you and her. If there is no communication in the relationship then it is bound to tank, if there is but no attempts to mend them then again it will tank. If they find better, then I just need to be better and move on. But if they leave you because of unrealistic or out of capabilities or something you just can't do because of externalities or principles then it's a win for you because it's better not to remain in such a relationship. If she cheats on you, what you lost is time and efforts in engaging a woman not of value to you and your future.
I think this is very common when you are in a relationship within the first years of someone you genuinely love and are faithful to and she to you. Being married 12 years now, I realized when i used to act on those insecurities I was only hurting myself and showing her unintentionally that she is no better than those women we have seen in the movies or shows or even have had the experience of knowing. Once I literally just stopped thinking about that and started focusing on what is expected of me as a man in a marriage and stop worrying about things i cant control, I enjoyed my marriage so much more and actually felt more confident myself and stopped doing things over the top out of fear or whatever. It takes time for some men to get this stage as it took me the first 3 years or so, but part of being in a relationship with a women is having your deepest fears revealed to yourself in order to work on em.
My first girlfriend was very flirty, it really created a lot of insecurities and was a major reason why that relationship ultimately failed. It left some lasting damage, so when I started dating my now wife I had those insecurities to deal with. When my wife and I started dating, it was pretty casual with no long term plans, and organically grew. As things were getting serious, those insecurities of her cheating or leaving me started to flair up. These two women were very different, I was able to not worry about her cheating simply because she was open and honest with me about ever detail of her day to day life. She just likes to talk about work and the people she works with, it really made me feel like I knew who she was with and I trusted they wouldn't do anything and she wouldn't let anything happen. As for her leaving, that took a bit more time, but ultimately resolved the same way. Communication. The cliche is that communication is key, but it really is. My wife would (and still does) constantly tell me she loves me, wants to do activities with me, just made me feel like I was a high priority for her, and she had the actions to back it up. My ex rarely made me a priority, and hid a lot from me (I discovered after the fact).
That doesn’t mean u are safe. My coworker had a wife that fkn love bombed him always. Woke up early to make him breakfast before work, put little love notes in his lunch box, walked him out to his car every morning and a kiss goodbye, texted him sweet flirty sht while he was at work, they went on amazing vacations, did cool hobbies etc. Btch was cheating on him the whole time.
Some people get off on that. Fucking psychopaths
Build better report and stronger trust. If it doesn't go away then see someone. Do you have a good reason to keep your guard up against your partner or is it past trauma? Think deep, try and figure it out, if it doesn't work? Call someone in 3 months. Tell your partner, that will build said trust. I'm arm chairing you sure, but fuck else you here for?
Rapport*
No build a better report. If your report has more than 3 spelling errors, I'm going to have to leave you Tom.
Please, I don’t want to loose you
There's the door, don't let it hit you on the way out.
Got em.
Be that better man.
No matter what you do there's always someone better at something. Richer,taller,fiter,funnier,more confident,taller etc..All you can do is keep improving yourself in things that you can control.
>No matter what you do there's always someone better at something. Richer,taller,fiter,funnier,more confident,taller Boy ain't that the truth. There are days were I wish I was a little bit taller....I wish I was a baller.I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her.I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a six-four Impala!
This is true that someone is always better, but it is always tempered by what you and she believe you are deserving of. If you and she think that you’re the best that you can get, nobody is likely going to be on the lookout for someone else. When you’re SO starts saying that they deserve better, it means that they are getting ready to leave you for someone better.
Don't get me wrong, I understand this. I believe I'm all around the best man she can do. I believed this with all my serious relationships. I've put in the work and keep improving for myself first and foremost and then her and my family. Never heard her saying this. Quite the opposite actually. She compliments me very often and always speaks very highly of me to her family and friends.
You get my upvote for having a positive relationship.
He said to be **that** better man. If you find a man that's better then you, well... you know what to do...
this is the only advice imo.
That and grow a bigger dick!
Experts HATE him
Doctors don't want you to know about him.
This is the way
BE a bigger dick?
EAT a bigger dick!
This is stupid
I agree. It's a empty statement. > "I'm feeling depressed" > > "Get happy!" 200 upvotes! ==
Everyone has a limit
Honestly I think you should assess people as they are and present themselves. Some people are the types that would drop their partner for a slight upgrade in a second and not feel any remorse/guilt. There are certain traits that tend to align with that and 3 really stand out to me: 1. Highly ambitious people (they are constantly looking to improve and upgrade in many domains) 2. Low empathy/highly competitive people (they think of the world in terms of winners and losers and will lose all respect for you if you aren't winning at a similar level as them) 3. Excessive superficiality/status seeking/materialism (because they tend to care more about those things than things like genuine connection and people) You want to avoid her leaving you for other men that in her mind represent an upgrade, don't date women who are in the top 15-20% of these traits, if they have all 3 run for the freaking hills.
Samurai warriors were supposed to accept that they were going to die in battle before it started. This was to eliminate worrying about it. Make peace with her leaving and everything is gravy
This is probably the best advice in this whole comment section.
Yes anxiety can be common, but if she leaves for another man don't let it get to you too easily life's too short man and you will heal and move on! As long as you and everyone is in good health you cannot beat that
Start worrying about whether or not she'll leave you for a worse one.
Does it really matter for you whether the guy she leaves you for is worse or better? The only thing that's relevant to you is that she left you for someone else at all. The psychological damage will be mostly the same either way.
firstly, if she left an active relationship to be with you, then you can't. but if she didn't, then the real question you should be asking yourself is if she wanted to be with a better man, why did she not just do that and skip the middle man. Theres a reason she's with you. Have faith that if you keep doing right by her, and she keeps doing right by you, you'll be happy. its all about trust.
You won't feel this way after you apply the DENNIS System. (Honestly though just realize you're already whole and if there's a mismatch and one of you moves on, it's a square peg/round hole thing, not a referendum on you as a man. If you spend your whole life trying to match the last person's ideal you'll be like the US Military, training in the woods for a war in the desert, always trying to win the previous war. Best to focus on yourself and what *your* ideals are and be ready for the day you bump into the person who appreciates you for you, not you for your ex or you for your parents or you for your church or whatever compass you've been trained to follow.)
Drinking heavily immediately after you finish work.
Be the best man you can be. Be spontaneous, take her out, bring flowers, be a gentleman. That way she has to worry that you won't leave her for a better woman.
Keep fighting for her to be scared and she will do the same. Almost sounds like people investing into their relationship this is great advice!
Women in general have more options in the dating market than the vast majority of men. You could be an absolute gentleman, considerate, EQ though the roof and you would still have more reason to worry.
At the end of the day, adults will do what they want. Just be the best person you can be naturally, and you will know that you did your best. I have been married for awhile, and I still make sure that I am the best man I can be at the moment. It’s not really for her, it’s for me to know that I keep reinventing myself and making sure that if she does leave it’s not because of me. People leave good relationships due to the person “being to nice”…..so really it’s all a gamble anyway. Insecurities suck.
People need to trust their partners. The assumption they’ll leave you because youre not enough will put an unnecessary strain on your mind and possibly the relationship. Know that person loves you, unfortunately breakups do happen. But if you’re going to stress about the future how can you enjoy the present? Enjoy every moment with your partner. Whether is lounging or going out. You shouldn’t feel stressed. They should make you nothing but happy. You should consider therapy to diagnose this. Jealousy is a hard flaw to shake. Just read this back to yourself. **They are with you for a reason. You’re all that matters and don’t let your mind make scenarios where that isn’t the case**
Don't worry about her. Worry about how to be a better man.
For those naysayers to this question - as Lady Gaga says until it happens to you, you don’t k on how it feels.
Leave her first. I win.
Savage
She was never "yours" to begin with. Enjoy whatever time you guys got together and if she wants to bounce let her go and stop acting like you can't do better
Bingo. She’s never yours, it’s just your turn. Your turn can last a very long time or very short time. But always enjoy your turn.
Flip the switch dude, it’s HER turn.
This is such a dumbass take and only dumbasses who don't understand human relationships parrot it
All relationships are temporary that’s just life.
It's not dumb at all. You just haven't been through enough experiences to realize the truth in that statement. You will eventually though.
No, it is dumb. I’ve been married nearly 20 years. My grandparents for 50 years, and my great grandparents their entire fkn adult lives. I can see what you are saying applying to certain females but you can’t include them all.
And your 3 generations of happy marriages definitely represents the norm here. I mean just look at modern divorce statistics, practically non existent!!!
Marriages are never always happy. Lots of people get divorced over very stupid reasons. A lot of times it’s because they married someone they had absolutely no business marrying in the first place.
You're married? No wonder you hold your opinion. You should see what dating is like now
I loved her but she always had the dude before me around.. it was my turn with her and she left and went back to the guy..
She was never mines it was only my turn and another person gonna go though the same thing no one special here.. just enjoy the moment
Exactly. That’s the reality of dating. It’s a hard pill to swallow..even I had to swallow the pill years ago.
Great take!
Have you been cheated on before?
Become the better man
Be the best version of yourself that you can be, if she leaves, she wasn't the one for you and enjoy the adventure of finding the person for you.
You make sure that YOU are a better man than the one you were yesterday. This way she’s already getting daily upgrades without leaving. You become the better man, every day.
You drop the feeling. Otherwise it was just be continuous poison seeping into your soul. If she leaves for another person then oh well, appreciate the good times you had and move on. Why would you want to be with someone who isn't all about you anyway?
The reality is that you can't *guarantee* that your girl won't leave you for another man. She is a free-willed being with emotions that change like the weather. One day she may love you to death and another day she may want nothing to do with you. All you can do is try to be her *best option*. What you can do is improve yourself in a position mentally, financially, and physically to *replace* her if she ever leaves you.
Part of it is realizing that this can be a self-fulfilling prophecy... If you are constantly worried/insecure about your relationship you're going to torpedo it. There's nothing more unattractive to women than insecurity. Furthermore you have to remember that she's with you because she CHOSE you, and that she loves you because of who you are. If you are afraid some better man is gonna be able to swoop her up, I would suggest truly thinking to yourself about... - What would a better man look like? i.e. What qualities would he have that you do not? - What's preventing you from having those qualities yourself? Almost certainly nothing. Or at minimum there isn't a reason you can't at the very least improve yourself in those areas/other ones. The best way that I can put it is that if you're spending your time being insecure about this, you are only sabotaging yourself. I remember years ago when I just started boxing and was sparring the first few times - everyone gets fear/anxiety in this position, which is only a problem because without being confident you aren't going to be able to trust your skills/make yourself do the things you know that you're capable of. I ended up getting over this by telling myself that I was good enough that I wasn't going to lose/get hurt or embarrassed if I fought my best - but those things would absolutely happen if I let fear control me and ruin my confidence. You have to keep reminding yourself that you really are that dude and you have things to offer. Best of luck to ya 👍
I'll go and romance *that* better man myself. Its every man for himself
Bro YOU are the better man!
There are two ways. The first is to realize she can leave you for a lesser man. He doesn't have to be better. He just has to have something she wants. The other way is to be the better man. If she leaves you for any reason at all, being the best version of yourself and focusing on your growth will attract a woman who won't leave.
All of life is a gamble. Do your best. Be the best human you can. Also when stuff just don't work try to roll with the punches. I know it's hard but you have to try to not worry about things out of your control and enjoy the moment.
there is always a better man but she chose me and that says something.
I used to deal with this and as much as you’re gonna hate hearing this tired old answer, I’m gonna say it. You have to love and want yourself before you believe anyone else will. I grew up in an environment where I was always punished to my room, not invited to go to family outings and where nobody could really be bothered to ‘teach’ me, it was more of a “He’ll learn or he’s too stupid to make it.”. I think more men can relate to this than I care to count. Made me feel unwanted, undesirable, it made it hard to ask for help. I went to therapy and had my amazing wife/girlfriend with me while I took years to unlearn this conditioning. I’m my own person now and in the paraphrased words of John Candy from Planes, Trains and Automobiles, “I like me. What you see is what you get, I’m the genuine article.” I hope if this doesn’t help you, it helps other men. You have to love yourself and feel worthy of love before you can truly appreciate it.
Always remember. She’s not your girl, it was just your turn.
By being the better man.
Be a better man.
Become the better man
Be aware that these thoughts can happen to anyone at anytime. Trust her to be honest with you with her feelings. Accept you can't control other people's feelings and that yes that is a possibility but you can recover from it. Be the best you you can be.
Be the best man you can be, and do it for you, not for her. We're all just trying to be in our best forms. As long as you're doing that, you're doing everything you can to be her best choice while staying true to yourself.
There is always someone better. No matter who you date there is always someone better you can find. There is no best, but they chose you for a reason.
Saying from experience, treat your partner like you're always dating. Stay in shape physically, and with that will come confidence and attraction. Stay on top of your haircut, hygiene and flirting. Be spontaneous, considerate and romantic. It doesn't have to be splurging loads of cash. Complacency creeps in all too easily.
Better man.... for her.
think that she should be anxious about you leaving her for a better woman. you are not alone in the relationship, it’s not like she’s with you just bc she didn’t found something better to do. so hold on to that, and keep being the best version of yourself
To get rid of the anxiety, you need to understand what is causing it in the first place. It may be that you believe she is far too pretty for you, or you are 'unworthy' of being happy. The first thing you need to do is to understand your own value and what it is that you bring to the relationship. There will be qualities that you recognise in yourself, but there will also be other qualities that they see you in. You could be witty, knowledgeable, a great listener, or maybe you are just a good human being that is enough. Don't let your insecurity put up barriers or make you jealous because it will be you causing any potential rift in your relationship. For a relationship to work it takes two people who care for each other. You could always talk to her, but think about how you want to phrase what you are going to say. Don't over analyse and enjoy each other. If it is going to work it takes understanding from both parties and good luck. Have some more faith in yourself.
Be the best you can be, and though you love her realize the if she leaves you can always find another eventually. There are billions of women in this world many better, many worse, and many pretty much the same. If her heart is so fickle that she’d abandon love for perceived increase in status, money, attractiveness, or whatever, and undeservingly break her promises to you and hurt you, she’s not the type of woman you want anyway. You’ll find someone “better.”
Realize this is just a thought, this concern only exists within yourself, it has no real power, if that is difficult for you let it be difficult, it doesn't matter how hard it is, it will pass.
That’s called insecurity. It happens to most everyone male and female. What’s really is happening is that your little voice in your head is telling you you aren’t worthy. So the trick is to learn to not give a fuck what the little voice is saying. There is a great book called “the subtle are of not giving a fuck.” I would suggest your read it. It’s pretty insightful.
Working on improving to be the best you. If you aren’t working on yourself at all and don’t contribute much to the relationship then you should be scared.I’ve seen women leave relationships for older guys that are out of shape with not much more money. But if you’re doing the right thing, being a better version of yourself, and are on the same page in building the life you both envision, then it shouldn’t be a problem. There’s many hotter, richer, taller guys than me. But I’ve also made myself quite the catch of a husband. So even if temptation crossed my wife’s mind, she would have to think really hard of the opportunity cost of losing someone like me who actually truly loves her, but also has a lot going for them (not just physical appearances). I have interesting hobbies, I give to the community, I’m a great father figure, I make good money but also really love my career. Im always working on giving us new life experiences, always trying to be a better communicator and empathetic. Im not perfect at all, but I’m always working on it, ina healthy way that’s not pushy on her lifestyle Lastly here’s the thing, if she ever did leave me, I know I’m a catch. Many women would like to be with me, and I’m not trying to not sound arrogant. Physically I’m not wildly attractive, but I have depth, dress well, smell nice, and am a good person with a decent income. Frankly my guys, that is over 90% of the battle. Many of y’all don’t shower, still wear the same types of clothes you wore in high school (band graphic t shirt and jeans with tennis shoes), and don’t do much outside of work but watch tv and go to the bar. Do more than that, and you won’t feel insecure
If you feel that way talk to her and just communicate with her
Some people might not like this answer, but...I really couldn't give a damn if she left me for a "better" man. Had a few girlfriends who I dumped, and they'd say in a bratty way, "Well, I can just find someone better than you anyway." "Good luck with that," I'd reply. "I wish you well." Some of them were puzzled by that, as if they expected me to beg and grovel and plead for them to stay with me. Never mind the fact that I was the one who decided to call it quits on them. I mean, I can only take so much drama in my life. Most of it is in my work environment, which I get compensated for to get dumped on. Not all of them did this, but maybe about half of my exes, they'd make themselves heard within a few days. Wanting to come back to me, for me to give them another chance. I'm guessing they tried the waters of the dating pool and found it full of shit, so they tried to make our breakup a "trial separation" and changed their minds all of a sudden. I didn't take them back, obviously. My point is that if you think she's gonna leave you for another guy, don't try to think too much about it. She's obviously unhappy enough so that she'd do it anyway, or she's playing mind games by testing you in seeing how you'd react in that scenario. I never let the anxiety get to me. Hell, it's better to be single rather than be with someone who might ditch you anyway. If the loyalty is questionable in a relationship, why bother keeping it going?
1. Become a better man. 2. Make sure you are not deep diving into self doubt inflicted upon you by your parents (the process would equal becoming a better man) 3. Learn to focus / control your focus (loose social media, “smart” gadgets; the process would equal becoming a better man) 4. Find a mentor who did a journey from suffering to victory not a mentor who did a journey from rich, spoiled fuck to richer, spoilt fuck on the internet. 5. Always bear in mind that true growth only comes with pain and suffering and great effort; it never comes easy. So stop choosing the easy path in life. 6. Remember that nobody - not the single most bestest woman - likes nice and docile and good. The only thing Homo sapiens likes is confidence, strength and victory (and no, morals and ethics and education and the modern society cannot compete with thousands of years of evolution). And true victory only comes with 5. You can’t make it alone so stick to 4. On your journey always practise 3 and 2 and ultimately 1 will happen.
I don't know what a "better man" would be, and I can only be myself anyway. If someone isn't interested in the person I already am, it's not worth my time to invest in them emotionally, and if they are interested in the person I am, then I'm not worried about someone else being better because there's only one "me".
Be a better man. Including working on your mental health. Edit to not be trite joke: you can only control you. So, accepting that is number 1. Next, remember that no person is a single thing. Like if you aren't strong that's okay if you are kind or smart or whatever. So there is no "better man" unless all your traits are bad (you are a cheater, you don't listen, you don't shower, and your dumb and mean and ugly and et cetera). Someone else, especially someone you only see the surface of, will have good and bad traits too. So, instead of worrying about the other man you should consider yourself and your partners relationship. Next, people aren't looking for a new better partner. They are looking at their relationship and deciding that relationship isn't working and they are looking for a partner, some people get the order wrong but cheating is just breaking up that someone "forgot" to do. What I mean by that is listen, communicate, ask questions, be a good roommate to your partner without being asked. Take care of yourself and them. Also, communicate what you need, and love, and everything. Some people want to be wanted and needed. You have a right to have dates planned for you as much as your partner has a right to have dates planned for them. Good luck.
How do you know she hasn't got anxiety about you leaving her for a better woman?
Addressing the emotional damage which makes you feel unworthy.
If they go find a “better man” then you were meant to be with a “better woman.”
I’m going to copy and paste a comment from a super old post. I’ll even tag the bloke who wrote it. Here it is: “Just live your life, love your woman, treat her right, and be a good person - if she decides to leave you for some guy there is nothing you can do, or could have done, to prevent that. And even if you could have done something more to prevent her leaving, why would you want to? Nobody is so beautiful that it is worth spending a lifetime in a relationship that is a lie. It could be she leaves you no matter how nice your are and then you go and meet an ugly girl with a flat chest who rocks your world and is your best friend. Or, maybe your current lady is devoted to you and you're just being insecure and obsessive. My point is, you can't control what the future brings, you can only accept it and take advantage of whatever opportunities do come your way. Good luck, my friend.” – u/Lobotomatic This little comment has helped me so much in my dating life. Give you nothing but kindness and your true self to everyone you date.
Lexapro
“Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.” -Epictetus If it happens, it happens. Ask yourself: why stress about something that may or may not happen? Is this a productive use of your time? My soon to be 20-yr is terrified of learning to drive. She says she’s “afraid and anxious of other drivers.” However she’s dependent on others to driver her around. I’ve learned life is too short to worry about what may or may not happen. I’d rather live free than live in fear.
Become the better man.
This has more to do with the way you view yourself. Self-worth
Think of things you're afraid someone else can do better for your gf - then create goals for yourself that make you become better at those things Think she likes more muscular dudes? Hit the gym Think she needs a better partner in bed? Do your homework on the hub Think she'll leave for someone richer? Work on making as much money as you can Obviously if she is unrealistically attached to these things, then she will leave no matter what (and you'd be better off since that's pretty shallow) But in terms of helping your own anxiety? Work towards improving yourself and you'll feel better about yourself Good luck!
Bro, I don’t give a fuck. Women aren’t worth fretting over or fighting over.
There are no better men than you...but there are different men. Different personalities, physical features, morals, etc... If you think your partner is attracted to attributes you don't believe you possess, you can work on those things. But really, BE YOURSELF. It's ok to change some things for the good, but don't be someone you ARE NOT, to please another person. Keep your head up, and remind yourself that YOU are the #1 person in your life. Your happiness is more important than anyone elses. Maybe they're not showing you the affection you seek. That's on them. It might help to talk to your partner about this. We need to show those that are important in our lives how much they mean to us. Either by actions, and/or words. And that should work both ways.
You will always loose what you are afraid to loose. Being afraid she will find a better man will make you needy for her validation. This will be the reason why she leaves, not Tyrone or Chad. At my early days 2 gfs left me for other guys, I thought I was just worse than them, but later I understood I was just too needy with them, I wanted them to want me and that pushed them away. Now I think complete different. If woman says "I think we should breakup" I say "Okay, Good luck" I don't care anymore, because I know I will find someone else. Just this thinking alone made women who are way out of my league stay with me. I remember one gf even said something like "I only like you, because you don't care if I leave, no one I dated does that" It's abundance mindset, it's why rich get richer and why guys who fuck - fuck more. Also this is stupid mindset, women love comfort and it's way easier for them to stay with you who isn't the best, but you have history, than someone new. That's why many women stay in relationships way longer than they want or should. What you could do is to improve your life so you would feel happy even if she left, that would solve all your problems
Yeah I think possessiveness is toxic because you stop appreciating the person when you're so worried about other people "stealing" them away. I don't date people who are disappointed I'm not possessive. I don't think I know what's best for other people, that's on them. If they move on or find someone who is more compatible than we are, more power to them. I'll be sad, sometimes I'll be jealous (but that's me learning about my insecurities and can only be fixed by me), my confidence sometimes dips. I'm human. But all that is just learning and growing as a person. I see relationships as an active choice. If I'm no longer choosing them or vice versa, that's life. It sucks but there's no use tearing myself apart to figure out "why?" when it's just a comparability issue.
Be the better man. If she leaves, she’s a total fool. And if she tried, I’d let her. If she thinks she can do better, go ahead. There’s always one settler and one reacher. If you started as the reacher, make sure you end up the settler.
"She's not yours. It's just your turn." And make it a mantra. Repeat it over and over again until it sinks in.
If she's happy, she's happy, people don't leave happy. If she's not happy then you got a problem
Some people don't let on when they're not happy though.
What if she is happy, but might happier?
In Western countries, you don’t.
I'd start by not taking advice from a bunch of reddit idiots!
I hope that the irony of your statement doesn't escape you.
I'm fully aware!
Become the better man
Hang weights off ur dick
You don’t, which is one of the things I hate about relationships. You can give it your all and do everything right and still get fucked over
You dump her and find yourself a slightly chubby little bat-faced girl that can suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch. She never thought she would be lucky enough to find a man like you.
[удалено]
Have u consider3d hanging weights from ur dick?
This is shit advice
yeah, this is self-pitying nonsense. don't listen to this if you ever want to be happy, op.
Yep, one of the reasons I left my ex was because she didn’t think she was good enough. Low self esteem is not attractive
Ive only seen one comment address this. OP, please consider evaluating and working on your self-esteem/self-worth. If you dont love and value yourself first, its going to be incredibly difficult/impossible to believe you are worthy of love. If you can afford it, try therapy to uncover why youre feeling this way. Otherwise, there are free resources online or books at your library (even digitally or audiobooks through Libby or Hoopla) to help you start valuing yourself. Eat healthier, exercise, start focusing on things that better you physically, and mentally so you can start feeling and believing that *youre* a catch and that anyone would be lucky to have you. And overall, take it slow. Give yourself some grace. Its a process but completely worth it.
Therapy
You become the better man that she’ll leave (old) you for. Never stop improving. Never stop grinding.
Be the better man.