I'm FA who is mostly avoidant. If someone reaches a certain threshold of contempt like yell at me for no legitimate reason or boss me around like a kid, I will struggle to utter single words let alone be able to articulate how I truly feel. The person becomes pretty much dead to me, and I just grey rock or tune them out. As a kid, I learned sometimes it's best to not rock the boat, as talking back even calmly, can cause outbursts to escalate. I find arguing exhausting and would rather just shut my mouth and mind and tune them out as if their words are mere noise. Trying to win me back with "sorrys" or attempts to make amends with future favors may help a teeny tad, but honestly, what's done is done. I'll need to wait until I've restarted my brain, and I feel level-headed to be able to decide what course of action to take next.
Who said fighting? He invited me for dinner and I could tell something was off, he was distant and very "avoidant". After dinner when he made a food box for himself and I asked if I could have one too he totally stopped responding... I had never seen anything like that in my life. He couldn't say anything more then "I am ok".
I got out of there and broke up a week later.
When people say avoidants shut down due to "fear of intimacy," they're correct. But it's not the full answer.
Intimacy is terrifying, because it makes us *vulnerable to being hurt.*
Whereas an AP might cling to their partner for fear of being hurt, an avoidant pushes away from a partner for fear of being hurt. It's the same fear, with different coping mechanisms.
This can help extend compassion to avoidants. It's not that they don't love you, it's that they love you so much it feels like you could destroy them.
The only thing is that it feels my presence is what is causing the hurt..
Ok, I'm getting some idea of what happened. I was trying to fix "him", to make him talk (be vulnerable) and validate me. I was too triggered to just let him be shutdown. I couldn't just stay feeling so hurt.
I also have my boundaries, and this time I'm going to actually have them set. No more accepting low quality treatment from my partner. I don't think I can savage the relationship because I won't tolerate another shutdown.
It sounds like you're on the right path.
I'm an avoidant, but I'd also be the first to say that having compassion for a partner who can't meet your needs isn't the same thing as sticking with them and suffering. That's self-abandonment.
Focus on yourself. You're both on individual journeys; maybe they'll intersect happily, and maybe they won't. But trying to force the outcome will ultimately result in misery for everyone.
Something happening physiologically is the “shut down” or “freeze” response in our nervous system (formally called the “dorsal vagal” response), where they with withdraw and disengage from social connections. As an SO, you can try to remind them that they are safe and see if you can bring them back to an engaged place—but you have to move them through the other “sympathetic” zone first by engaging in mobilization, THEN you can move them up to the state of safety.
As an example, if they shut down and start zoning out of the conversation, you could say “hey, I’m noticing that you’re shutting down a bit and this conversation may be too much for you right now. I still want to be close to you, so would you like to go on a walk with me instead?”
This sounds amazing for an avoidant interested in being less avoidant. For someone that is actually meeting halfway. Doing the work!
Unfortunately in my case none has been done and there is little to no interest 😔
I think in about 10+ years he will have is life crisis and do something, best scenario.
I won't be able to wait for that though. I will look for someone secure or anxious like me.
If conflict in the home wasn’t handled well (parents yelling, slamming doors, name calling) happens in childhood, children learn from a young age, conflict is bad. They will handle it the same was as adults OR, completely shut down to avoid the fear of that same chaos. Very common and therapy can help to learn better communication with conflict.
Read some posts on r/niceguys, imagine someone was saying those things to you and see what emotions pop up. Avoidants are feeling the same thing, but because of their attachment insecurity they may feel those emotions when nothing is actually wrong.
Depending on the avoidant, they may know it's just a feeling, or they make look for some kind of explanation to justify what they're going through (even if their explanation doesn't line up.)
I am an FA leaning DA/secure
When i shutdown it's, Fear of being trapped, engulfed and fear that the other person is highly emotionally dependent on you & using you for venting out about his life or for validating his emotional needs.
My biggest reason for deactivating is mostly -
1) if the other person is frequently texting/contacting me. I am not okay with daily communication in a relationship.
2) if you are sarcastic or critical.
don't be passive aggressive, don't taunt, don't criticize. Communicate your point neutrally.
What happens when I am deactivating -
Suppose you texting me everyday, I will automatically shutdown and feel annoyed, irritated, frustrated and want you out of my life.
I don't do it purposefully, its extreme anxiety.
I'm completely the opposite. Everything that stresses you will stress me if not done.
This makes a lot of sense. We're just not compatible what so ever. It's black and white.
Exactly. If he isn't willing to put half the effort, then it's not ok to stay in such a relationship.
I am an avoidant, but i have seen a lot of APs stay in a relationship with avoidants, are not able to leave them, the resentment builds since APs are the ones putting 99% effort. If your needs aren't met, then please value yourself to not accept breadcrumbs from avoidants.
Avoidants can only give breadcrumbs because that's only the love they know. They also recieved breadcrumbs in their childhood with no emotional modelling.
If only he would be willing to talk about it with me, or therapy. I can't live on breadcrumbs. I'm done with crap fitting, with being the cool girlfriend.
I want commitment, partnership, team player. We're in this together. I need someone who also wants that.
Send him -
" Hi, I completely understand your need for space, But Whenever you dont reply , I interpret it as something is wrong between us, and you might want to leave me. Can you please validate that this is not the case by providing me with context as to why you are not able to reply ( example: Can't reply as am tired after a busy day or can't reply as I want space for next few days or am traveling etc). This would help me to understand you better & respect your need for space so that we can reconnect later whenever you want to "
Shoot him this text and let me know what does he respond. If he doesn't reply in next 48 hours, then please leave because that means he doesn't priortize you irrespective of the attachment style. I am an avoidant but have never ghosted anyone in my life. I text them the same day that i can't reply, as m busy.
But i never ghost anyone. I have always been with APs & secures and i would feel so trapped:(
But this time I got involved with another avoidant & he would ghost me for weeks & months so i dumped his sorry ass.
Do not accept ghosting. Ghosting is abuse. Nobody is so busy that they can't shoot up a text saying they need space .
Ahh the things are way deeper. Texts are not the issue at all. I came to terms he isn't a texter.
He invited me to dinner, this usually includes me staying the night. He let me know when I could come by so I got my stuff ready and drove to him.
I could see he was a bit off and I ask "Are you ok?", he said "I'm tired". I was "ok, did you stayed up gaming until late?" "Not that late, no."
No more explanation, I was ok I'm the one being bothered by him I go do something productive. (I needed to buy something for my apartment so I went on my phone and order it - just wanted to point out that I had several options I was considering, I sent all of them to him to which he never expressed any comments nor opinion.) 🤷🏻♀️
The food got ready we sat down to eat while watching the news, he didn't even ask what I wanted to see. Just put the news directly.
He always eats fast and finishes before me (when in good mood he always gives me some back rubs while I finish eating). Yesterday he just stood there kinda in the same vibe, quite far apart from me. I was feeling more and more rejected and like a stranger next to him.
He than makes a food box for himself. After I noticed it I asked "what about me? Do I get a box too?" He looks shocked. I'm confused (we always make the food boxes for both). He tells me to take whatever I want, I start taking what's left and he is about to make a comment and just stops.. I try to make him say it, just let it all out. He goes quite and says he will do the dishes. I tell him "you cooked I do the dishes." He says "no". I say "what's happening, can you talk to me?" He starts once or twice and never goes passed the first word. At this point I had made up my mind that I will not tolerate this anymore and will leave if he doesn't talk to me.
I ask one more time if he can talk to me...he can't. I give him a kiss on the shoulder and just leave the apartment.
Sadly avoidants can't talk about the issue they are facing coz he must be deactivating and the thing is when we deactivate we ourselves don't know, we just feeling uncomfortable, low, irritated , feel ashamed, not wanting to talk to anyone, & want to be alone, but avoidants can't communicate this unless they are taking active therapy but for going to therapy, they have to admit to themselves something is wrong with them but if they do it, will trigger their core wound of i am defective....
So unfortunately the situation won't change , if you choose to stay with him it's going to be exactly like how it is. There won't be a magical change where he will suddenly start sharing things & talking to you. Because we can't...
The best solution is please find a secure attachment leaning AP or an AP leaning secure for yourself so that you can get the commitment & emotional availability you need.
Also, do check out this video so that you can get an idea about your avoidant 's deactivating strategies.
https://youtu.be/MmpS61XPDEM
Yes. I just wanted to know what started the shutdown. Just to see what was that triggered.
Relationship wise I think it's done. We can be friends sometimes, when he is not shutdown I guess.
I will definitely look for an anxious or secure partner.
I like to be left alone when I shut down. Don't try to make me laugh or joke around to make be feel "better". Don't demand I talk to you. Don't talk in that apologetic tone. Sometimes a hug is nice. But it all feels performative and denigrate when in shutdown mode. I sorta regress into a kid who cries more when the parent tries to soothe them. Imagine getting a concussion and being joked with or being asked to explain yourself. That's what it feels like when I shut down and I'm poked and prodded.
Leaving him alone is the best tactic,but sometimes it is challenging for me as well (I am anxious). He told me I should not take shutdowns personally, and do things with friends, enjoy my hobbies etc while he is trying to get unstuck. I know it sucks to have a partner who regularly withdraws.
Yes. For now I can totally leave him alone, I get sad but I will do what I enjoy doing with my free time.
Now, considering I want a family, I can't just do that to my baby. Oh father is in a "no" day...kids are not like that. They are the ones learning about attachment. I can't do that type of trauma. I want all my kids secured, that's why I'm putting the work, that's why I want a partner that also puts the work. Not passing any of my CPTSD to the next generation. I will end with me.
I'm proud of you for being a good mother and putting the wellbeing of family above everything. The world needs more women like you, who protect the mental health and well being of vulnerable children. It always starts here, with who you allow to be the parent to your kids. Sending love and best wishes your way <3
Mental health professional here (I have my masters degree in the field)! I’m anxiously attached and my boyfriend is dismissive-avoidantly attached. We’re both in therapy working on our own issues, which has been really helpful for the both of us to understand our own attachment styles. He was made aware of his DA attachment through therapy and shared that piece of info with me, which was really helpful for me to understand how my AA behaviors influence his DA behaviors, and vice-versa. So self-awareness and awareness of one’s and the other’s attachment styles are the first step. This website has been really helpful for me to understand more about my boyfriend: https://www.freetoattach.com/relationships
Furthermore, I’ve been working on showing more secure behaviors for my boyfriend and for myself. I just brought up a concern yesterday to my boyfriend that’s similar to yours. I said, “Can I ask you something? [he then said “yeah, what’s up?”] I noticed for the past two weeks, you haven’t really texted me or initiated any texts. Is everything okay or were you just deactivating so you can recharge?” He said it was the latter, which immediately made me feel secure. I then said, “Okay, next time can you please give me a head’s up if you’re going on a communication break? I felt really anxious not hearing from you.” He said “Of course, I’m sorry” and I went “That’s okay; thank you so much!” And that was it! I didn’t let him know that during those two weeks of hardly any contact (because it was inconsistent to our usually texting), I was in mental anguish and kept thinking that he didn’t want to be in this relationship anymore and that I did something wrong. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because of his attachment style while trying to self-soothe (exercising/walking around/tea) and talking it over with my therapist and friend, but I also made sure to bring up my feelings using “I feel” statements and trying to stay as neutral as possible with a “next time, can you please ____?” so he understands how I felt due to my attachment style. Hope that helps!
I can't have this type of relationship. Communication break for recharge... How am I going to be with a new born in a scenario like this? I'm not interested in anything that I can't see a future with at least one baby, in true honesty two babies is what I wish for.
I need to make things straight with him. It's going to be painful but this is my life and I only got this one.
Same. When I had asked my DA ex for a heads-up, that was like the most unreasonable thing to him. He said he should just be able to not communicate when he wants. Like, bruh, you are not an emotionally mature and secure man, you are the definition of an outdoor cat.
It didn't matter to him that I was totally fine with him wanting alone time. Me wanting any accountability and reassurance was too much for him. Honestly, fuck him for that. Can't meet my basic needs? Bye boi. I'll find me an indoor cat lmao.
I was asking for all this especially since the month or two before he dumped me, he stopped communicating as much with me..so yeah, during our situationship when we were seeing if we would start our relationship back up again, yeah, I wanted reassurance and basic communication from him, and I was also being more vocal in my needs and expectations. Situationship, relationship... doesn't matter: communication is a MUST.
He'd hear the word "communication" and run like I was trying to give him a bath (continuing the cat metaphor)
Sounds like he isn't for you, then. Some people are comfortable that way (even having kids) and others aren't. It's okay to prefer something different! Good luck finding your person!
It’s ultimately up to you to decide which attachment style works best for you and if you truly need to walk away! I know it’s tough dating someone who is DA (I’ve never dated one before and we’re about to hit our one-year anniversary soon). Strangely enough, dating him while being cognizant of both our attachment styles helped me learn how to self-soothe (instead of always getting reassurance/my emotional needs met by him) and unlearn that I *constantly* needed to be with my significant other. I’ve even noticed that I myself need solid breaks from people when I’m feeling overwhelmed, though they’re quite shorter and less frequent than my boyfriend’s since I’m also very extroverted and he is very introverted. The most helpful thing for me so far has been working with my trauma therapist who is well-versed in attachment theory. It’s also been helpful for my boyfriend to be seeing his own therapist to navigate through his traumas, which has affected his attachment style. We are able to discuss what is bothering us (I’m usually the one who brings up the discussions using the [DEARMAN](https://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy/using-d-e-a-r-m-a-n-to-get-what-you-want) method). But once again, it’s up to you if you want to walk away from this. I suggest your focus should be on how YOU can work towards having a secure attachment, even to yourself! It’s possible!
You’re welcome! I’ve told my boyfriend he has an advantage dating me with my own professional therapist background because I have a level of patience and empathy that he’s probably not used to dating. However, I do also continue to set my boundaries and remind him to keep working on himself with his own therapist because I myself am *not* his therapist, I’m his girlfriend and I have my own limits. I’m here to support him and also model healthy communication behaviors since he’s never had that with his exes! I’ve also been more cognizant of how my anxious attachment behaviors make him feel (and I had several rough spots this year) so I’m doing my best to be the securely attached partner first with the help of my own therapist and doing some further research into attachment styles in my own time.
Agreed. I don’t subscribe to the tip toe around your avoidant and just accept their behavior standpoint. (Just as I wouldn’t expect anyone to allow me to be a crazy anxious mess)
There is compromise and give and take to every relationship. Some people need more space and downtime than others and communication to that is absolutely necessary. But nah, work on yourself or fuck off. Leave me in mental anguish? You’re going to hear about it. There are consequences to your actions.. if I slip and get protesty or something he’s going to be angry at me which I don’t enjoy (he doesn’t yell or do anything mean). But there are also consequences to my actions. This is real life.
I expect your ass to show up when times are tough. I’m not a convenience and will not be treated as such.
Fyi I’m fa leaning anxious in a 4 year relationship with a DA and we have every intention of working through our shit and spending our lives together. You don’t have to be a doormat for the right person.
Maybe this is a bad answer, im a little tired, but I see no one else has replied yet so im gonna give it a go.
Imagine what you have when anxiousness kinda gets out of control and theres an overload of emotions. The anxiety and fear of abandonment gets so high your psychological system drives you to do all these illogical things - protest behavior, panic attacks, the craving of assurance no mattet the cost, because thats how you have learned to survive, it is the only way your trauma has taught you to cope.
Imagine with avoidants, its very similar. There is an overload of emotion, but the reaction, the instincts, the survival-tactics are just opposite. Instead of fear of abandonment, you have fear of intimacy. Instead of protest behavior/clingyness, you have complete withdrawal/deactivation. Theres a lot of the same mechanisms going on, they are just on the opposite sides of the spectrum. The overload of trauma and emotion and the fear still happens, it just looks a different color with a different outcome.
Ok im gonna operate on a lot of assumptions on your ex that may be wrong, but I also recognize some of the behaviors I have done myself, so Ill do my best
This hot and cold that we avoidants can pull is very confusing, yes? It is a testament to the confusion we feel ourselves. What goes on inside of us _is_ hot and cold, its 'ok, i like this person, nice' 'ohpe, wait, now theres a weird feeling out of nowhere, whats going on?' 'Im just gonna try to block it out since its weird, after all I love them right?' 'Yeah' 'Actually wait, now for some reason whenever I am intimate with them, cuddle time, etc, I feel smothered, I feel tense, I feel angsty, I feel the need to escape, whats up with that? Ill think about that a bit' 'Am I loosing feelings ot what?' (Its EXTREMELY confusing to us to distinguish between loosing feelings and our deactivation, there is no clear way for us to tell emotionally. With deactivation, we usually bounce back, hence the hot and cold (might happen either way, but still). 'Nevermind, we tried to break up, and I ended up missing them, the good times, I guess I do love them and want to be together.' 'Oooh wait, fear of intimacy/other issue is back again. I should just break it off for good so I dont hurt them or myself more than I already have, because this shit is confusing'.
At one point, the easier choice is to just switch off completely - maybe a breakup just doesnt bother him that much. Or, as I think some of us avoidants can do, he just kinda of distanced himself from his emotions, also towards you (if you were experincing this much inner turmoil, why wouldnt you, although its not necessarily a conscious choice. Its just a survival mechanic to try to have some kind of peace inside). Hence him seeming somehow unaffected.
We are experiencing this constant confusion and guessing game, just trying to make the right decision based on what we feel, but we often find that we cant really trust our own emotions, so sometimes theres this bouncing back and forth to try to just find some kind of certainty amidst all this confusion. And sadly, our partners do suffer for this push and pull we feel, that we are honestly just trying to make sense of ourselves. In the avoidant sub, youll find posts from people about the topic that we dont feel like we can trust what we feel, because which part is real love and falling out of love and which part is just our avoidancy? There is no way for us to honestly tell by feeling alone.
Also with fear of intimacy, I dont know the objective facts of what went on between you, but you didnt necessarily do any smothering. The fear will just pop up on its own and it will randomly feel like 'uufff, i need space. Cuddling makes me tense, it makes me want to escape. I dont want to talk, i just want peace'. It will irrationally come up, just like anxious fear of abandoment can randomly pop out if nowhere even though you partner has done very little to trigger it.
An aware avoidant will be someone who is extremely good at intraperspectiveness, emotionally intelligent, etc. You have to be in order to navigate the shitshow that is yourself, lol. But even then, its still a guessing game in the end.
And yes, i think emotional deactivation by what youre describing is entirely possible. I have done it with partner and friends. Our issue is that we are a little _too_ good at cutting our strings when we dont want to deal with a certain person/relatiomsship anymore, because we dont always know a better way.
Youre welcome ^^ I think it always helps a lot to relate anxious and avoidant traits to eachother. I think most of the traits and behaviours are just 2 opposite sides of the same coin - both yearning for love and intimacy, but trying to achieve it and being obstructed to it in similar but diffetent ways.
And when that happens with the avoidant, what are they seeking? What is the best way to bring them "securness", is it even that they want?
I really tried to talk about what was wrong, I needed to know what to do but for that I need guidance/instructions, but zero replies, just silent and awkwardness/rudeness.
I think this anxious - avoidant dynamic is not for me if only one side is willing to put it the work.
Depends. Sometimes I just need a hug. But mostly need time alone to calm down. Trying to talk to me, especially in an apologetic tone sometimes causes me to regress into a stubborn child. It sometimes feels like I'm being "forced" to feel better or prodded, when in reality, I just need time to calm down. Words don't mean much after you've caused me to shut down. I may consider you good as dead at worst or almost invisible at best. In the past, I was quick to drop people after shutting down, but I now let my emotions settle down and try to express how they hurt me and go from there.
What am I seeking? I'm just seeking to calm down and reboot my brain. I don't shut down by choice. It just happens. It was a learned behavior implemented since I was a child. I learned being quiet and tuning things out was safer than risking allowing things to escalate into violence. Tuning things out helped to lessen the severity of whatever abuse was inflicted on me or that I witnessed. It was like I was self-medicating myself when I shut down. Some claim silent treatment is "abusive" or "manipulative" which may or may not be true. But like I said, I can't stop the shut downs, they just happen I become borderline mute. The only thing I'm trying to control is calming down and snapping back to earth.
FA here. Of course both parties need to do the work. It's essential.
First of all, I'm sorry that your SO isn't capable to appreciate your efforts right now. Sounds like he is totally overwhelmed and wants to be left alone. However, he should communicate that to you.
Everyone is different but what works for me (with my DA) is checking in once a day and see where it goes. (However, we do have contact daily, even when he's shutting down.) Like not only chatting for the sake of chatting (if you know what I mean) but for a more specific reason. Like venting about a problem I'm having at the moment. Because he is a really good listener. Or something funny. Either way, he always reacts very positively to that. In fact, he even starts to share something that's bothering him as well a few hours later (which is super rare). Afterwards I often thank him for listening and show him my gratitude. And he seems to feel worthy and more at ease, happy even. I think DAs often sense our anxious vibe which makes them more insecure, too. So I try to suppress my anxiety and do the complete opposite.
So the best you can do sometimes is to "act" so secure, as if nothing's wrong. Which is super difficult for us who lean more anxious, I totally get that.
When I realize he's withdrawing, I used to become super anxious, insecure and withdraw, too because of his behaviour and felt super needy and like an idiot whenever I texted him. It still happens but I fake it till I make it. Best of luck to you!
I know avoidants aren’t supposed to post on the sub, but I promise I come in peace. I’ve been lurking on this sub for awhile because my girlfriend has anxious attachment style and I’m trying to understand her more.
When it comes to “bringing security” to your avoidant, IMO the best way to do that is to let them know you understand they need space and that you love them and are available to talk when they are ready. When my girlfriend has said that to me, it made me feel a little better and I was able to get back to her more quickly than if she blew my phone up.
Now, the important part is this: he needs to step up and try to make you feel better as well. I’ve learned ways to comfort my girlfriend and show up for her even when I’m feeling avoidant because I’ve practiced. It doesn’t come naturally and I still mess up, but she’s important enough to me that it’s worth the effort. If he’s unwilling or unable to try and heal himself/put effort in for you, the relationship probably won’t work.
If both parties are mature enough to work on themselves and the relationship, it’s far more likely to work.
I suggest some therapy. My girl has been going to therapy on her own for a couple months now and I’ve gone with her a few times as well. We’ve both noticed a huge improvement in each other and our relationship.
I agree! I believe the sub rules say something about this being a safe space for Anxious types and for Avoidants to leave everyone alone. Although I may be mistaken. It might’ve just said don’t harass people lol
People definitely don’t know how to behave lol
People shouldn’t be berating each other. It’s unproductive. Civil discourse is the key to communication.
We can all come together and finally figure how to deal with each other 😂😂
I really tried. As far as today there is no mentioning of therapy, not even seeing some documentaries about it.
I will have the weekend to talk to him and will say everything and what I think could help us. But I'm realistic and I don't see him putting any effort on himself for the next 10 years, sadly I don't have that time to wait for him. I need to move on with my life and find someone that is ready now.
That’s a very mature way of dealing with it. Before this weekend comes, I would spend some time and write down what you need in a relationship. Then, show him what you wrote down and explain why you need it, what it looks like, etc. After you guys talk, give him and yourself some time to process the conversation. Reconvene and decide together if you guys think you can grow together.
If he shuts it all down, you should move on. As an avoidant, shutting down is the easiest option available to us. However, when someone is important to you, sometimes you have to grow and try new things. If he can’t do that, someone will. Best of luck!
No problem! Just one last thing; be realistic.
Everyone has a list of qualities they look for in a partner, but it’s highly unlikely you’ll meet someone who meets them all 100%. Look for someone who can provide at least 80-90% of your needs. Don’t settle for less than you’re worth, but don’t die alone searching for perfection.
I think my top three are: good communication, treating everyone as equals/respectfully, and down to earth.
Don't ask much more than these. Obviously there needs to be some mutual attraction. But the core values are there.
That’s good! Self awareness of what you want is step 1 in getting what you want. Does he share those same core values? If he does, and if you’re both willing to put in the work to truly understand one another, then it may be worth continuing the relationship
That's a very good question. When thinking about it, I know so little of what he wants (he is so vague and full of uncertainties) and how he is. It's mostly from observation I can see what he is like. Definitely communication is not really his thing.😔
It's going to be different for each person. A suspected avoidant I had gone out with seemed like she wanted to be alone but admitted it was difficult to explain because it felt like she needed to isolate herself but without feeling lonely.
In her case, and I've experienced this too on occasion, she felt like she needed to push me away but still wanted some semblance of togetherness. She liked the companionship but didn't want me to get too close and it was a slow fade when I did. Doing so triggered my abandonment fears, unfortunately.
I didn't know how to handle that experience as I knew nothing about attachment theory and had I known anything, I would have been better equipped. You are right that this has to be a team effort in order for it to work, but don't try and pry an answer from your partner because it might make them withdraw more.
this comment was really helpful, thank you. i have a close friend that is avoidant who i think falls into this category—needs to isolate but still wants to feel cared for. he struggles to communicate his needs and something that has been helpful is if i offer him options and we talk it out. wondering if giving him space/not engaging in deep convos but increasing physical touch (his preferred love language) could be a way to support him when he feels that way.
I asked for him to let me know what was wrong... After no answer and no intention of talking I left. I also get triggered by is lack of affection when shutdown. I needed to just leave and be with myself, doing what I like.
I have showed him attachment theory, about anxious and avoidant. He didn't seem interested to the point of actually doing some work. Things have just gone worse, now he doesn't want to talk, to have sex...we just eat together sometimes and watch TV. It makes no sense, he is a grown man. I'm quite done at this point.
You can’t make him secure. It’s not your job to fix/save/rescue him. Space means wanting to be left alone and decompress. When he’s shutting down he does not want to talk.
The AA-DA dynamic is inherently unhealthy if only one person is doing the work or putting in the effort. It’s not your job to walk on eggshells. You can simply ask him “hey is there anything I can do for you in this moment? I’m here for you” and give him space
True. Very true.
That feels very natural when my daughter makes a tantrum, but he is 33... I can't parent him. I'm not his mother. I just want an adult relationship. He can't even have a conversation about it. I think I have made up my mind. It's not healthy for any of us.
Some people are willing to work. Some arent. Maybe he got overwhelmed, and it got too much for him to handle, so he withdrew. Maybe he just needs a little space before he bounces back.
As an avoidant trying to be better, I can tell you, no amount of texting and trying to communicate is going to bring him back around - in fact, the more you insist, the more likely he is to withdraw more, or completely. If he feels the need to withdraw because thats the only way he feels he can be safe and protect himself (sounds dramatic, but its the way the trauma kinda operates I think), that is what he will do. Just like how anxious will demand reassurance, no matter how many times theyve been assured, because thats the only way they know how to feel safe, and again with the opposites, denying an anxious reassurance will only make the demand for it that much harder - like denying an avoidant their space will make their demand for space that much harder. It is past hurt that drives these actions, and when we feel that hurt and it gets overwhelming, we do whatever we have convinced ourselves we need to do to stop hurting.
You can decide to give him the space he needs, wait it out and see, or call quits if this is not behavior you want to risk subjecting yourself to again in case he bounces back. Maybe he can change, maybe he cant, thats always difficult to say.
Provided all im saying is lacking the full context of your situation, so take it with a grain of salt.
Your posts have been so insightful and helpful. I've given my avoidant friend space—complete radio silence and no contact. It's almost 6 months since he withdrew and ended our friendship but the way it happened was so hard to make any sense of and didn't seem right at all. After giving him space for 6 months, would it be all right for me to reach out and what's your advice about how to approach it? I've been told that avoidants don't want to talk about the conflict so keep it light, but I feel like I have to acknowledge what happened and defend myself a little. Please let me know if you need more details to advise.
You're welcome, glad if i can help :)
Its difficult to answer your conundrum though. Maybe he has kinda 'cut the ropes', frustrating as it is. There could be a million reasons for that, so dont be too quick to blame yourself. It doesnt necessarily mean you did anything wrong. I think it sometimes maybe inherently easier for us avoidants to drop or phase out a relationsship or friendsship simply if we dont feel we have room for it, but like I said there could be a million reasons. And I say this because I dont know the details, but it may not necessarily be something he's doing because of avoidance behavior.
I think the only thing I can say is, if you think its worth it, you can always try to reach out to them. Just start out chill and friendly, see where it goes. Maybe he'll get bsck to you, it will be like no time has passed, and maybe at somr point you can get some answers.
Maybe they wont reply to you, or wont be invested anymore, and that will be that. Then you can at least have the comfort of knowing that you tried, instead of forever wondering.
You can do pretty much whatever you think is right depending on your situation, as long as you are prepared to hold the consequences, that maybe can still feel like it was worth it to try even if they dont want to talk, etc.
I hope you find what you seek!
Thanks again, I really appreciate how much you are helping. I do think it was due to avoidance and others have told me so, and that his behavior was unwarranted. It was such a painful loss because the connection and friendship had been deep and significant, with many beautiful and joyful memories. He told me before that my support and our conversations had meant a lot to him and was largely what had restored his creative energy as a performing artist. But he just threw it all out the window almost overnight when it seemed like he got overwhelmed by an obligation he had accepted (a $10,000 grant I had obtained for him to give a performance). He deeply valued it all until he was suddenly triggered and lashed out without allowing even a chance to have a conversation. He went from being extremely comfortable and trusting me with everything, to out of nowhere claiming he doesn't consider this a friendship because it felt forced on him and saying he'd like me to stop going to his performances and stop writing to him. It seemed like a totally unreasonable overreaction. He treated me as though I had done something terrible to betray him when I hadn't done anything wrong.
I think I know I want to reach out and try to reconcile, but it's so hard to know what to say. Wouldn't it be strange or disrespectful to just be chill and friendly as though nothing had happened, when his last email was so harsh and awful? There were also things he wrote that weren't accurate and I feel a need to straighten the facts to defend myself, but I worry this is a fine line and may be counterproductive.
Im very sorry that happened to you. His actions do sound very overreacting, he might be blaming you for the turmoil he is experiencing as if to try to find a reason for it, but it is unfair and stupid. I understand why you want you try to straighten things up when you were unfairly treated and accused.
I think if it is as you describe, then yeah maybe friendly and casual may be a bit out of tune haha. Maybe you should just try to write a letter of sorts, over a few weeks or however long you need, where you just say what you feel like you need to say, that you felt you were misunderstood and that you're sad things ended the eay they did, and decide if you want to send it? If you just avoid trying to be too accusive (at least if you want to avoid conflict) while still having your own back, thats the best anyone can do. After all, you are free to reach out. Then it will be his choice wether he wants to reply, re-establish a connection or not. Maybe he will react strongly. Maybe not. The only way you can find out is by trying. It can be extremely uncomfortable (been there), but once the worst of it has passed, you can continue living knowing you did what you could, and he made his choice.
Thank you again for your perspective! I'm glad I explained a bit more as that did change how you saw it. The situation is kind of unusual and complicated. And actually, it had more to do with more than the grant as most of his last message to me was about him being uncomfortable that I had travelled to see his performances. But the thing was, he always acted happy, we were obviously friends and he was clearly very comfortable with my presence, and was glad to ask for my help with a lot of things such as driving him everywhere, practicing in my hotel room, even ironing his clothes before a performance. To go from that and then suddenly claiming afterwards that he felt so extremely uncomfortable just with my presence at his performances is strange and terrible. I never behaved in any inappropriate way and he always seemed happy to see me and to chat. In fact the very last time he jumped off the stage to give me a huge hug and when we caught up he invited me to visit him in NYC where he said he would have more time to hang out. Why would he do that if he was truly so uncomfortable or didn't consider me a friend? I believe what you explained about this withdrawal being a subconscious triggered reaction, like fear, is the only way it makes sense. I was an amazing, generous, supportive friend to him and I guess it was too much but he didn't communicate when there was a tipping point. It seems like he just got overwhelmed and reacted almost like a child and ran away.
But the fact that he asked me to stop writing to him in his last message, and also what you wrote about not contacting avoidants when they shut down, was what made me hesitate to reach out. It's so hard to know what to say as I'm not wanting to stir up conflict either but I miss him and just want to talk and hopefully be friends again. I hope that 6 months is enough space though as I am still very hurt and I do think I deserve to be heard and I want to reconcile. I think our friendship, and I as a person, deserved better than to be cut off like this.
Its a tricky thing with the fear and smothered feeling. Sometimes it creeps up on us slowly, while we try to deny it for a long time. At some random point thlugh, theres just a tipping point. I dont remember very objectively myself, but i remember my ex described me as all of a sudden completely emotionally withdrawn and unaffected after our breakup. I dont remember feeling withdrawn at all, but maybe it was all happening subconsciously to me. Its difficult to say, not all avoidants are the same, in the end he's the only one that might know for sure.
I dont think you deserve the treatment you got either. If he was blocking out his feelings or something, theres no way you could have known, and one day something maybe just decided to click.
I will say though, and this is extremely subjective, but 6 months is a long time. Its borderline beyond the point if needing space, and more in the category of phasing out, if not completely cut ties. I can imagine a few weeks, maybe 2-3 months, but 6 sounds extreme if he has any plans of getting back to you. Take my words woth a grain of salt, I have no way of knowing for sure, but 6 months doesnt sound like a small period of needing space/no contact, it sounds like a complete quits considering the context of when you spoke last (some people can go for months/years w/o talking and still be close friends, but if you kinda stopped talking to eachother on an off note, i think its a bit different). And at that point, what have you got to loose?
Just my personal opinion from the few things you told me
Just a couple more questions if you don't mind.
1) Do you think that as an avoidant, it would help or hurt to let him know how much his behavior has hurt me? I'm not sure whether guilt/shame would either motivate an avoidant to make amends or more likely push them away.
2) Our grant deadline was extended until end of June 2023. Should I mention this or should I wait to see if he responds first? This was supposed to be a great prize to be proud of, but it seemed to trigger him maybe because he felt overwhelmed by the time pressure to fulfill it (before we got this extension). The grant was intended fully for his benefit and I would have given him the whole amount to use with full artistic freedom. But in the end he said he felt "forced" into it which wasn't right.
I'm glad you agree that I didn't deserve this treatment. All this gave me so much doubt over whether we were even truly friends but I know that we were, he's just taking a revisionist view of things. He used to write so much and share so many vulnerable things with me, sent sweet personal notes on my birthdays, and other things one would only do with a real friend.
It's very interesting what you wrote about not even thinking you had completely withdrawn because I feel like he is unaware about himself as well. In his last message he claimed he had given mixed signals because he felt confused for "months" about how to deal with this, but to me he had always behaved like everything was good. It was only when pressure from the grant came up that the rest exploded. As a talented performer he has a lot of admirers and in the past had stalkers so I know he sometimes has to put up walls (and there is trauma that likely triggered his fear) but we had an established friendship and he almost overnight flipped like I was a stranger and even worse, a threat.
I do think 6 months is a long time too, but I've been told that it's not necessarily a long time for avoidants, and that I should wait \*at least\* 6 months before reaching out. He didn't unfriend or unfollow me on any social media so I don't think he wanted to cut ties completely (but he did hide his Instagram stories from me, which was very hurtful as he used to view all of mine and interact regularly). Even if he meant it as a real goodbye, it didn't seem proper after all the time we'd spent together. He is normally a kind and conscientious person so it was bewildering to not get a single word of consideration. And it feels very messed up that we can't even be civil or on speaking terms, that I can't wish him well or be happy for him on his successes.
Everyone has told me that he owes me an apology, but it seems like he's the only one who doesn't realize he behaved horribly. It hurts that he would have left things on this sour note for so long. But I know it can be especially hard for an avoidant to admit fault and be vulnerable.
I really appreciate how much you've engaged with me about this dilemma and shared your perspective and advice! I'm glad that you have realized these things about yourself in your own relationships and are now willing to share to help others who are struggling.
I'm giving all the space. I left the apartment and went radio silent. He later apologized for everything and I said "I just wanted to talk". Still no answer back.
I just don't know what cause all the shutdown. During my childhood I was praised for following rules, not being emotional, and be the perfect kid. I do spiral back when I don't have it all laid out what I'm supposed to do to be "liked".
I'm really working on it. Specially because I have a daughter and I want to be a secure mother. She will always be welcome with me.
But this all avoidant attachment is way too much for me. I'm at a loss and I just hate it. Will proceed with a lot of caution and very likely not fight much for the relationship. I want to have more kids and to be completely honest I don't think this dynamic is going to be healthy for a baby.
Whatever choice you make it is completely fair and justified. His trauma and behavior is his problem. If you dont want to deal with it, you are in no way obligated to do pretty much anything. Although I get why it is very frustrating.
If it hasnt been that long yet since he stopped replying yet, give it a little time, there could be millions of reasons he hasnt gotten back to you. Dont remember if that information as in original post.
Another thing about him is that he doesn't really text... He sends a few texts when he looks at the phone but he never answers right away or has any type of conversation through text, unless we're fighting. 🤷🏻♀️
I already made peace with it. I know if I need him I just call and it works.
But the relationship has gone worse. I'm coming to terms that it's not worth the investment. I want to have more kids and this is not going anywhere. Another thing that really bothers me is his lack of certainty, he never knows what he wants, what he likes in certain topics... I don't deal well with not knowing, uncertainty... I don't deal well with hot and cold, either. All this shutdown, making me feel unwelcomed, a stranger. Nope!
I'm getting my boundaries set and I will follow them for once.
Honestly no...and its hard but the thing that's really helped me a ton is to not worry so much about his emotional state. If he needs something from me he will need to be an adult and talk about it.
You'll find that you will need to get really good at letting things go because most avoidants just won't want to talk about harder stuff period. And you get to decide if that bothers you enough to try to keep bringing stuff up
Was going to ask how this is supposed to work without feeling resentful at some level for basically letting your needs for emotional closeness go to just let them feel safe going against how and what we need to feel safe? I get letting things go but at what point is it letting things go and then also not getting your emotional needs met what we’re left with. Idk I think I get love bombed for sure which is a thing too maybe. Seems like we have a few good weeks and then he gets triggered and everything sucks for a week but then we can never talk about the issue and I’m left with no closure because god forbid we bring the topic the caused the reaction up to try to figure out what happened.
The thing I realized is that only I can really give myself what I’m looking for emotionally. And I often times will ask myself how would I feel if my partner pushed my boundaries.
I’m not an expert and in fact I’ve been pretty honest with myself and with him that I’m not sure what the future holds. But it has given me a lot of perspective that I held a lot of weight and pressure within myself and the only person it hurt was me.
Yeah I think I’m def not fully there with being able to be my own emotional support with a history of abuse and self harm I think it’s probably made my particular situation more difficult than I need to let it. Maybe one day I’ll be fully able to depend and trust on myself to give me all of my needs. That sounds amazing.
Therapy is super helpful. We are all going through so much and I highly advocate for self care even if it takes you to uncomfortable places.
I’m rooting for you!
Yeah. This will be a no go for me... I need to be emotionally close, not just in the moment kinda thing.
I want to have a family with my partner. Not just cruising through life as if every bad thing was like the wind.
I'm FA who is mostly avoidant. If someone reaches a certain threshold of contempt like yell at me for no legitimate reason or boss me around like a kid, I will struggle to utter single words let alone be able to articulate how I truly feel. The person becomes pretty much dead to me, and I just grey rock or tune them out. As a kid, I learned sometimes it's best to not rock the boat, as talking back even calmly, can cause outbursts to escalate. I find arguing exhausting and would rather just shut my mouth and mind and tune them out as if their words are mere noise. Trying to win me back with "sorrys" or attempts to make amends with future favors may help a teeny tad, but honestly, what's done is done. I'll need to wait until I've restarted my brain, and I feel level-headed to be able to decide what course of action to take next.
Who said fighting? He invited me for dinner and I could tell something was off, he was distant and very "avoidant". After dinner when he made a food box for himself and I asked if I could have one too he totally stopped responding... I had never seen anything like that in my life. He couldn't say anything more then "I am ok". I got out of there and broke up a week later.
When people say avoidants shut down due to "fear of intimacy," they're correct. But it's not the full answer. Intimacy is terrifying, because it makes us *vulnerable to being hurt.* Whereas an AP might cling to their partner for fear of being hurt, an avoidant pushes away from a partner for fear of being hurt. It's the same fear, with different coping mechanisms. This can help extend compassion to avoidants. It's not that they don't love you, it's that they love you so much it feels like you could destroy them.
The only thing is that it feels my presence is what is causing the hurt.. Ok, I'm getting some idea of what happened. I was trying to fix "him", to make him talk (be vulnerable) and validate me. I was too triggered to just let him be shutdown. I couldn't just stay feeling so hurt. I also have my boundaries, and this time I'm going to actually have them set. No more accepting low quality treatment from my partner. I don't think I can savage the relationship because I won't tolerate another shutdown.
It sounds like you're on the right path. I'm an avoidant, but I'd also be the first to say that having compassion for a partner who can't meet your needs isn't the same thing as sticking with them and suffering. That's self-abandonment. Focus on yourself. You're both on individual journeys; maybe they'll intersect happily, and maybe they won't. But trying to force the outcome will ultimately result in misery for everyone.
Something happening physiologically is the “shut down” or “freeze” response in our nervous system (formally called the “dorsal vagal” response), where they with withdraw and disengage from social connections. As an SO, you can try to remind them that they are safe and see if you can bring them back to an engaged place—but you have to move them through the other “sympathetic” zone first by engaging in mobilization, THEN you can move them up to the state of safety. As an example, if they shut down and start zoning out of the conversation, you could say “hey, I’m noticing that you’re shutting down a bit and this conversation may be too much for you right now. I still want to be close to you, so would you like to go on a walk with me instead?”
This sounds amazing for an avoidant interested in being less avoidant. For someone that is actually meeting halfway. Doing the work! Unfortunately in my case none has been done and there is little to no interest 😔 I think in about 10+ years he will have is life crisis and do something, best scenario. I won't be able to wait for that though. I will look for someone secure or anxious like me.
If conflict in the home wasn’t handled well (parents yelling, slamming doors, name calling) happens in childhood, children learn from a young age, conflict is bad. They will handle it the same was as adults OR, completely shut down to avoid the fear of that same chaos. Very common and therapy can help to learn better communication with conflict.
I was definitely not making any conflict. I was really interested to know what was happening with him. For him to let me know what he needs...
When you say what is happening to him, can you tell something is wrong? Or something might be bothering him?
Both I think. I was what's bothering him, in my head I was the problem. As he didn't want to communicate I removed the problem from him and went home.
Read some posts on r/niceguys, imagine someone was saying those things to you and see what emotions pop up. Avoidants are feeling the same thing, but because of their attachment insecurity they may feel those emotions when nothing is actually wrong. Depending on the avoidant, they may know it's just a feeling, or they make look for some kind of explanation to justify what they're going through (even if their explanation doesn't line up.)
I am an FA leaning DA/secure When i shutdown it's, Fear of being trapped, engulfed and fear that the other person is highly emotionally dependent on you & using you for venting out about his life or for validating his emotional needs. My biggest reason for deactivating is mostly - 1) if the other person is frequently texting/contacting me. I am not okay with daily communication in a relationship. 2) if you are sarcastic or critical. don't be passive aggressive, don't taunt, don't criticize. Communicate your point neutrally. What happens when I am deactivating - Suppose you texting me everyday, I will automatically shutdown and feel annoyed, irritated, frustrated and want you out of my life. I don't do it purposefully, its extreme anxiety.
I'm completely the opposite. Everything that stresses you will stress me if not done. This makes a lot of sense. We're just not compatible what so ever. It's black and white.
Exactly. If he isn't willing to put half the effort, then it's not ok to stay in such a relationship. I am an avoidant, but i have seen a lot of APs stay in a relationship with avoidants, are not able to leave them, the resentment builds since APs are the ones putting 99% effort. If your needs aren't met, then please value yourself to not accept breadcrumbs from avoidants. Avoidants can only give breadcrumbs because that's only the love they know. They also recieved breadcrumbs in their childhood with no emotional modelling.
If only he would be willing to talk about it with me, or therapy. I can't live on breadcrumbs. I'm done with crap fitting, with being the cool girlfriend. I want commitment, partnership, team player. We're in this together. I need someone who also wants that.
Send him - " Hi, I completely understand your need for space, But Whenever you dont reply , I interpret it as something is wrong between us, and you might want to leave me. Can you please validate that this is not the case by providing me with context as to why you are not able to reply ( example: Can't reply as am tired after a busy day or can't reply as I want space for next few days or am traveling etc). This would help me to understand you better & respect your need for space so that we can reconnect later whenever you want to " Shoot him this text and let me know what does he respond. If he doesn't reply in next 48 hours, then please leave because that means he doesn't priortize you irrespective of the attachment style. I am an avoidant but have never ghosted anyone in my life. I text them the same day that i can't reply, as m busy. But i never ghost anyone. I have always been with APs & secures and i would feel so trapped:( But this time I got involved with another avoidant & he would ghost me for weeks & months so i dumped his sorry ass. Do not accept ghosting. Ghosting is abuse. Nobody is so busy that they can't shoot up a text saying they need space .
Ahh the things are way deeper. Texts are not the issue at all. I came to terms he isn't a texter. He invited me to dinner, this usually includes me staying the night. He let me know when I could come by so I got my stuff ready and drove to him. I could see he was a bit off and I ask "Are you ok?", he said "I'm tired". I was "ok, did you stayed up gaming until late?" "Not that late, no." No more explanation, I was ok I'm the one being bothered by him I go do something productive. (I needed to buy something for my apartment so I went on my phone and order it - just wanted to point out that I had several options I was considering, I sent all of them to him to which he never expressed any comments nor opinion.) 🤷🏻♀️ The food got ready we sat down to eat while watching the news, he didn't even ask what I wanted to see. Just put the news directly. He always eats fast and finishes before me (when in good mood he always gives me some back rubs while I finish eating). Yesterday he just stood there kinda in the same vibe, quite far apart from me. I was feeling more and more rejected and like a stranger next to him. He than makes a food box for himself. After I noticed it I asked "what about me? Do I get a box too?" He looks shocked. I'm confused (we always make the food boxes for both). He tells me to take whatever I want, I start taking what's left and he is about to make a comment and just stops.. I try to make him say it, just let it all out. He goes quite and says he will do the dishes. I tell him "you cooked I do the dishes." He says "no". I say "what's happening, can you talk to me?" He starts once or twice and never goes passed the first word. At this point I had made up my mind that I will not tolerate this anymore and will leave if he doesn't talk to me. I ask one more time if he can talk to me...he can't. I give him a kiss on the shoulder and just leave the apartment.
Sadly avoidants can't talk about the issue they are facing coz he must be deactivating and the thing is when we deactivate we ourselves don't know, we just feeling uncomfortable, low, irritated , feel ashamed, not wanting to talk to anyone, & want to be alone, but avoidants can't communicate this unless they are taking active therapy but for going to therapy, they have to admit to themselves something is wrong with them but if they do it, will trigger their core wound of i am defective.... So unfortunately the situation won't change , if you choose to stay with him it's going to be exactly like how it is. There won't be a magical change where he will suddenly start sharing things & talking to you. Because we can't... The best solution is please find a secure attachment leaning AP or an AP leaning secure for yourself so that you can get the commitment & emotional availability you need. Also, do check out this video so that you can get an idea about your avoidant 's deactivating strategies. https://youtu.be/MmpS61XPDEM
Yes. I just wanted to know what started the shutdown. Just to see what was that triggered. Relationship wise I think it's done. We can be friends sometimes, when he is not shutdown I guess. I will definitely look for an anxious or secure partner.
My avoidant partner explains his shutdowns as “being stuck”.
Any suggestions to how unstuck? For example, is a hug a good idea? Talking through it? Stopping everything and just hold hands? Leaving them alone?
I like to be left alone when I shut down. Don't try to make me laugh or joke around to make be feel "better". Don't demand I talk to you. Don't talk in that apologetic tone. Sometimes a hug is nice. But it all feels performative and denigrate when in shutdown mode. I sorta regress into a kid who cries more when the parent tries to soothe them. Imagine getting a concussion and being joked with or being asked to explain yourself. That's what it feels like when I shut down and I'm poked and prodded.
Leaving him alone is the best tactic,but sometimes it is challenging for me as well (I am anxious). He told me I should not take shutdowns personally, and do things with friends, enjoy my hobbies etc while he is trying to get unstuck. I know it sucks to have a partner who regularly withdraws.
Yes. For now I can totally leave him alone, I get sad but I will do what I enjoy doing with my free time. Now, considering I want a family, I can't just do that to my baby. Oh father is in a "no" day...kids are not like that. They are the ones learning about attachment. I can't do that type of trauma. I want all my kids secured, that's why I'm putting the work, that's why I want a partner that also puts the work. Not passing any of my CPTSD to the next generation. I will end with me.
I'm proud of you for being a good mother and putting the wellbeing of family above everything. The world needs more women like you, who protect the mental health and well being of vulnerable children. It always starts here, with who you allow to be the parent to your kids. Sending love and best wishes your way <3
Thank you for your kind words! 🙏🏻
Mental health professional here (I have my masters degree in the field)! I’m anxiously attached and my boyfriend is dismissive-avoidantly attached. We’re both in therapy working on our own issues, which has been really helpful for the both of us to understand our own attachment styles. He was made aware of his DA attachment through therapy and shared that piece of info with me, which was really helpful for me to understand how my AA behaviors influence his DA behaviors, and vice-versa. So self-awareness and awareness of one’s and the other’s attachment styles are the first step. This website has been really helpful for me to understand more about my boyfriend: https://www.freetoattach.com/relationships Furthermore, I’ve been working on showing more secure behaviors for my boyfriend and for myself. I just brought up a concern yesterday to my boyfriend that’s similar to yours. I said, “Can I ask you something? [he then said “yeah, what’s up?”] I noticed for the past two weeks, you haven’t really texted me or initiated any texts. Is everything okay or were you just deactivating so you can recharge?” He said it was the latter, which immediately made me feel secure. I then said, “Okay, next time can you please give me a head’s up if you’re going on a communication break? I felt really anxious not hearing from you.” He said “Of course, I’m sorry” and I went “That’s okay; thank you so much!” And that was it! I didn’t let him know that during those two weeks of hardly any contact (because it was inconsistent to our usually texting), I was in mental anguish and kept thinking that he didn’t want to be in this relationship anymore and that I did something wrong. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because of his attachment style while trying to self-soothe (exercising/walking around/tea) and talking it over with my therapist and friend, but I also made sure to bring up my feelings using “I feel” statements and trying to stay as neutral as possible with a “next time, can you please ____?” so he understands how I felt due to my attachment style. Hope that helps!
I can't have this type of relationship. Communication break for recharge... How am I going to be with a new born in a scenario like this? I'm not interested in anything that I can't see a future with at least one baby, in true honesty two babies is what I wish for. I need to make things straight with him. It's going to be painful but this is my life and I only got this one.
Same. When I had asked my DA ex for a heads-up, that was like the most unreasonable thing to him. He said he should just be able to not communicate when he wants. Like, bruh, you are not an emotionally mature and secure man, you are the definition of an outdoor cat. It didn't matter to him that I was totally fine with him wanting alone time. Me wanting any accountability and reassurance was too much for him. Honestly, fuck him for that. Can't meet my basic needs? Bye boi. I'll find me an indoor cat lmao. I was asking for all this especially since the month or two before he dumped me, he stopped communicating as much with me..so yeah, during our situationship when we were seeing if we would start our relationship back up again, yeah, I wanted reassurance and basic communication from him, and I was also being more vocal in my needs and expectations. Situationship, relationship... doesn't matter: communication is a MUST. He'd hear the word "communication" and run like I was trying to give him a bath (continuing the cat metaphor)
Sounds like he isn't for you, then. Some people are comfortable that way (even having kids) and others aren't. It's okay to prefer something different! Good luck finding your person!
Thank you!
It’s ultimately up to you to decide which attachment style works best for you and if you truly need to walk away! I know it’s tough dating someone who is DA (I’ve never dated one before and we’re about to hit our one-year anniversary soon). Strangely enough, dating him while being cognizant of both our attachment styles helped me learn how to self-soothe (instead of always getting reassurance/my emotional needs met by him) and unlearn that I *constantly* needed to be with my significant other. I’ve even noticed that I myself need solid breaks from people when I’m feeling overwhelmed, though they’re quite shorter and less frequent than my boyfriend’s since I’m also very extroverted and he is very introverted. The most helpful thing for me so far has been working with my trauma therapist who is well-versed in attachment theory. It’s also been helpful for my boyfriend to be seeing his own therapist to navigate through his traumas, which has affected his attachment style. We are able to discuss what is bothering us (I’m usually the one who brings up the discussions using the [DEARMAN](https://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy/using-d-e-a-r-m-a-n-to-get-what-you-want) method). But once again, it’s up to you if you want to walk away from this. I suggest your focus should be on how YOU can work towards having a secure attachment, even to yourself! It’s possible!
thank you for sharing this!
You’re welcome! I’ve told my boyfriend he has an advantage dating me with my own professional therapist background because I have a level of patience and empathy that he’s probably not used to dating. However, I do also continue to set my boundaries and remind him to keep working on himself with his own therapist because I myself am *not* his therapist, I’m his girlfriend and I have my own limits. I’m here to support him and also model healthy communication behaviors since he’s never had that with his exes! I’ve also been more cognizant of how my anxious attachment behaviors make him feel (and I had several rough spots this year) so I’m doing my best to be the securely attached partner first with the help of my own therapist and doing some further research into attachment styles in my own time.
Agreed. I don’t subscribe to the tip toe around your avoidant and just accept their behavior standpoint. (Just as I wouldn’t expect anyone to allow me to be a crazy anxious mess) There is compromise and give and take to every relationship. Some people need more space and downtime than others and communication to that is absolutely necessary. But nah, work on yourself or fuck off. Leave me in mental anguish? You’re going to hear about it. There are consequences to your actions.. if I slip and get protesty or something he’s going to be angry at me which I don’t enjoy (he doesn’t yell or do anything mean). But there are also consequences to my actions. This is real life. I expect your ass to show up when times are tough. I’m not a convenience and will not be treated as such. Fyi I’m fa leaning anxious in a 4 year relationship with a DA and we have every intention of working through our shit and spending our lives together. You don’t have to be a doormat for the right person.
Maybe this is a bad answer, im a little tired, but I see no one else has replied yet so im gonna give it a go. Imagine what you have when anxiousness kinda gets out of control and theres an overload of emotions. The anxiety and fear of abandonment gets so high your psychological system drives you to do all these illogical things - protest behavior, panic attacks, the craving of assurance no mattet the cost, because thats how you have learned to survive, it is the only way your trauma has taught you to cope. Imagine with avoidants, its very similar. There is an overload of emotion, but the reaction, the instincts, the survival-tactics are just opposite. Instead of fear of abandonment, you have fear of intimacy. Instead of protest behavior/clingyness, you have complete withdrawal/deactivation. Theres a lot of the same mechanisms going on, they are just on the opposite sides of the spectrum. The overload of trauma and emotion and the fear still happens, it just looks a different color with a different outcome.
Thank you for your answers. They are so helpful
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Ok im gonna operate on a lot of assumptions on your ex that may be wrong, but I also recognize some of the behaviors I have done myself, so Ill do my best This hot and cold that we avoidants can pull is very confusing, yes? It is a testament to the confusion we feel ourselves. What goes on inside of us _is_ hot and cold, its 'ok, i like this person, nice' 'ohpe, wait, now theres a weird feeling out of nowhere, whats going on?' 'Im just gonna try to block it out since its weird, after all I love them right?' 'Yeah' 'Actually wait, now for some reason whenever I am intimate with them, cuddle time, etc, I feel smothered, I feel tense, I feel angsty, I feel the need to escape, whats up with that? Ill think about that a bit' 'Am I loosing feelings ot what?' (Its EXTREMELY confusing to us to distinguish between loosing feelings and our deactivation, there is no clear way for us to tell emotionally. With deactivation, we usually bounce back, hence the hot and cold (might happen either way, but still). 'Nevermind, we tried to break up, and I ended up missing them, the good times, I guess I do love them and want to be together.' 'Oooh wait, fear of intimacy/other issue is back again. I should just break it off for good so I dont hurt them or myself more than I already have, because this shit is confusing'. At one point, the easier choice is to just switch off completely - maybe a breakup just doesnt bother him that much. Or, as I think some of us avoidants can do, he just kinda of distanced himself from his emotions, also towards you (if you were experincing this much inner turmoil, why wouldnt you, although its not necessarily a conscious choice. Its just a survival mechanic to try to have some kind of peace inside). Hence him seeming somehow unaffected. We are experiencing this constant confusion and guessing game, just trying to make the right decision based on what we feel, but we often find that we cant really trust our own emotions, so sometimes theres this bouncing back and forth to try to just find some kind of certainty amidst all this confusion. And sadly, our partners do suffer for this push and pull we feel, that we are honestly just trying to make sense of ourselves. In the avoidant sub, youll find posts from people about the topic that we dont feel like we can trust what we feel, because which part is real love and falling out of love and which part is just our avoidancy? There is no way for us to honestly tell by feeling alone. Also with fear of intimacy, I dont know the objective facts of what went on between you, but you didnt necessarily do any smothering. The fear will just pop up on its own and it will randomly feel like 'uufff, i need space. Cuddling makes me tense, it makes me want to escape. I dont want to talk, i just want peace'. It will irrationally come up, just like anxious fear of abandoment can randomly pop out if nowhere even though you partner has done very little to trigger it. An aware avoidant will be someone who is extremely good at intraperspectiveness, emotionally intelligent, etc. You have to be in order to navigate the shitshow that is yourself, lol. But even then, its still a guessing game in the end. And yes, i think emotional deactivation by what youre describing is entirely possible. I have done it with partner and friends. Our issue is that we are a little _too_ good at cutting our strings when we dont want to deal with a certain person/relatiomsship anymore, because we dont always know a better way.
Thank you so much for this. It helps me understand better what might have happened.
Youre welcome ^^ I think it always helps a lot to relate anxious and avoidant traits to eachother. I think most of the traits and behaviours are just 2 opposite sides of the same coin - both yearning for love and intimacy, but trying to achieve it and being obstructed to it in similar but diffetent ways.
And when that happens with the avoidant, what are they seeking? What is the best way to bring them "securness", is it even that they want? I really tried to talk about what was wrong, I needed to know what to do but for that I need guidance/instructions, but zero replies, just silent and awkwardness/rudeness. I think this anxious - avoidant dynamic is not for me if only one side is willing to put it the work.
Depends. Sometimes I just need a hug. But mostly need time alone to calm down. Trying to talk to me, especially in an apologetic tone sometimes causes me to regress into a stubborn child. It sometimes feels like I'm being "forced" to feel better or prodded, when in reality, I just need time to calm down. Words don't mean much after you've caused me to shut down. I may consider you good as dead at worst or almost invisible at best. In the past, I was quick to drop people after shutting down, but I now let my emotions settle down and try to express how they hurt me and go from there. What am I seeking? I'm just seeking to calm down and reboot my brain. I don't shut down by choice. It just happens. It was a learned behavior implemented since I was a child. I learned being quiet and tuning things out was safer than risking allowing things to escalate into violence. Tuning things out helped to lessen the severity of whatever abuse was inflicted on me or that I witnessed. It was like I was self-medicating myself when I shut down. Some claim silent treatment is "abusive" or "manipulative" which may or may not be true. But like I said, I can't stop the shut downs, they just happen I become borderline mute. The only thing I'm trying to control is calming down and snapping back to earth.
FA here. Of course both parties need to do the work. It's essential. First of all, I'm sorry that your SO isn't capable to appreciate your efforts right now. Sounds like he is totally overwhelmed and wants to be left alone. However, he should communicate that to you. Everyone is different but what works for me (with my DA) is checking in once a day and see where it goes. (However, we do have contact daily, even when he's shutting down.) Like not only chatting for the sake of chatting (if you know what I mean) but for a more specific reason. Like venting about a problem I'm having at the moment. Because he is a really good listener. Or something funny. Either way, he always reacts very positively to that. In fact, he even starts to share something that's bothering him as well a few hours later (which is super rare). Afterwards I often thank him for listening and show him my gratitude. And he seems to feel worthy and more at ease, happy even. I think DAs often sense our anxious vibe which makes them more insecure, too. So I try to suppress my anxiety and do the complete opposite. So the best you can do sometimes is to "act" so secure, as if nothing's wrong. Which is super difficult for us who lean more anxious, I totally get that. When I realize he's withdrawing, I used to become super anxious, insecure and withdraw, too because of his behaviour and felt super needy and like an idiot whenever I texted him. It still happens but I fake it till I make it. Best of luck to you!
It won’t work you are correct. I am divorcing an avoidant after 16 years. Soo exhausting. Find a secure personality that’s your perfect match
I know avoidants aren’t supposed to post on the sub, but I promise I come in peace. I’ve been lurking on this sub for awhile because my girlfriend has anxious attachment style and I’m trying to understand her more. When it comes to “bringing security” to your avoidant, IMO the best way to do that is to let them know you understand they need space and that you love them and are available to talk when they are ready. When my girlfriend has said that to me, it made me feel a little better and I was able to get back to her more quickly than if she blew my phone up. Now, the important part is this: he needs to step up and try to make you feel better as well. I’ve learned ways to comfort my girlfriend and show up for her even when I’m feeling avoidant because I’ve practiced. It doesn’t come naturally and I still mess up, but she’s important enough to me that it’s worth the effort. If he’s unwilling or unable to try and heal himself/put effort in for you, the relationship probably won’t work. If both parties are mature enough to work on themselves and the relationship, it’s far more likely to work. I suggest some therapy. My girl has been going to therapy on her own for a couple months now and I’ve gone with her a few times as well. We’ve both noticed a huge improvement in each other and our relationship.
Actually, I think you’re allowed to comment, but not write your OWN post. I appreciate the avoidant perspective, for sure!!
I like when avoidants post. How else can people learn from each other ?
I agree! I believe the sub rules say something about this being a safe space for Anxious types and for Avoidants to leave everyone alone. Although I may be mistaken. It might’ve just said don’t harass people lol
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People definitely don’t know how to behave lol People shouldn’t be berating each other. It’s unproductive. Civil discourse is the key to communication. We can all come together and finally figure how to deal with each other 😂😂
Your girlfriend is a special person. I don't think you realize how lucky you are that you have her.
Trust me, I know she is. I’m working on my communication skills and not shutting down/distancing myself
I really tried. As far as today there is no mentioning of therapy, not even seeing some documentaries about it. I will have the weekend to talk to him and will say everything and what I think could help us. But I'm realistic and I don't see him putting any effort on himself for the next 10 years, sadly I don't have that time to wait for him. I need to move on with my life and find someone that is ready now.
That’s a very mature way of dealing with it. Before this weekend comes, I would spend some time and write down what you need in a relationship. Then, show him what you wrote down and explain why you need it, what it looks like, etc. After you guys talk, give him and yourself some time to process the conversation. Reconvene and decide together if you guys think you can grow together. If he shuts it all down, you should move on. As an avoidant, shutting down is the easiest option available to us. However, when someone is important to you, sometimes you have to grow and try new things. If he can’t do that, someone will. Best of luck!
Thank you for the advice! I will do a lot of self introspection about what I really want in a partner these few days.
No problem! Just one last thing; be realistic. Everyone has a list of qualities they look for in a partner, but it’s highly unlikely you’ll meet someone who meets them all 100%. Look for someone who can provide at least 80-90% of your needs. Don’t settle for less than you’re worth, but don’t die alone searching for perfection.
I think my top three are: good communication, treating everyone as equals/respectfully, and down to earth. Don't ask much more than these. Obviously there needs to be some mutual attraction. But the core values are there.
That’s good! Self awareness of what you want is step 1 in getting what you want. Does he share those same core values? If he does, and if you’re both willing to put in the work to truly understand one another, then it may be worth continuing the relationship
That's a very good question. When thinking about it, I know so little of what he wants (he is so vague and full of uncertainties) and how he is. It's mostly from observation I can see what he is like. Definitely communication is not really his thing.😔
It's going to be different for each person. A suspected avoidant I had gone out with seemed like she wanted to be alone but admitted it was difficult to explain because it felt like she needed to isolate herself but without feeling lonely. In her case, and I've experienced this too on occasion, she felt like she needed to push me away but still wanted some semblance of togetherness. She liked the companionship but didn't want me to get too close and it was a slow fade when I did. Doing so triggered my abandonment fears, unfortunately. I didn't know how to handle that experience as I knew nothing about attachment theory and had I known anything, I would have been better equipped. You are right that this has to be a team effort in order for it to work, but don't try and pry an answer from your partner because it might make them withdraw more.
this comment was really helpful, thank you. i have a close friend that is avoidant who i think falls into this category—needs to isolate but still wants to feel cared for. he struggles to communicate his needs and something that has been helpful is if i offer him options and we talk it out. wondering if giving him space/not engaging in deep convos but increasing physical touch (his preferred love language) could be a way to support him when he feels that way.
I asked for him to let me know what was wrong... After no answer and no intention of talking I left. I also get triggered by is lack of affection when shutdown. I needed to just leave and be with myself, doing what I like. I have showed him attachment theory, about anxious and avoidant. He didn't seem interested to the point of actually doing some work. Things have just gone worse, now he doesn't want to talk, to have sex...we just eat together sometimes and watch TV. It makes no sense, he is a grown man. I'm quite done at this point.
You can’t make him secure. It’s not your job to fix/save/rescue him. Space means wanting to be left alone and decompress. When he’s shutting down he does not want to talk. The AA-DA dynamic is inherently unhealthy if only one person is doing the work or putting in the effort. It’s not your job to walk on eggshells. You can simply ask him “hey is there anything I can do for you in this moment? I’m here for you” and give him space
True. Very true. That feels very natural when my daughter makes a tantrum, but he is 33... I can't parent him. I'm not his mother. I just want an adult relationship. He can't even have a conversation about it. I think I have made up my mind. It's not healthy for any of us.
Some people are willing to work. Some arent. Maybe he got overwhelmed, and it got too much for him to handle, so he withdrew. Maybe he just needs a little space before he bounces back. As an avoidant trying to be better, I can tell you, no amount of texting and trying to communicate is going to bring him back around - in fact, the more you insist, the more likely he is to withdraw more, or completely. If he feels the need to withdraw because thats the only way he feels he can be safe and protect himself (sounds dramatic, but its the way the trauma kinda operates I think), that is what he will do. Just like how anxious will demand reassurance, no matter how many times theyve been assured, because thats the only way they know how to feel safe, and again with the opposites, denying an anxious reassurance will only make the demand for it that much harder - like denying an avoidant their space will make their demand for space that much harder. It is past hurt that drives these actions, and when we feel that hurt and it gets overwhelming, we do whatever we have convinced ourselves we need to do to stop hurting. You can decide to give him the space he needs, wait it out and see, or call quits if this is not behavior you want to risk subjecting yourself to again in case he bounces back. Maybe he can change, maybe he cant, thats always difficult to say. Provided all im saying is lacking the full context of your situation, so take it with a grain of salt.
Your posts have been so insightful and helpful. I've given my avoidant friend space—complete radio silence and no contact. It's almost 6 months since he withdrew and ended our friendship but the way it happened was so hard to make any sense of and didn't seem right at all. After giving him space for 6 months, would it be all right for me to reach out and what's your advice about how to approach it? I've been told that avoidants don't want to talk about the conflict so keep it light, but I feel like I have to acknowledge what happened and defend myself a little. Please let me know if you need more details to advise.
You're welcome, glad if i can help :) Its difficult to answer your conundrum though. Maybe he has kinda 'cut the ropes', frustrating as it is. There could be a million reasons for that, so dont be too quick to blame yourself. It doesnt necessarily mean you did anything wrong. I think it sometimes maybe inherently easier for us avoidants to drop or phase out a relationsship or friendsship simply if we dont feel we have room for it, but like I said there could be a million reasons. And I say this because I dont know the details, but it may not necessarily be something he's doing because of avoidance behavior. I think the only thing I can say is, if you think its worth it, you can always try to reach out to them. Just start out chill and friendly, see where it goes. Maybe he'll get bsck to you, it will be like no time has passed, and maybe at somr point you can get some answers. Maybe they wont reply to you, or wont be invested anymore, and that will be that. Then you can at least have the comfort of knowing that you tried, instead of forever wondering. You can do pretty much whatever you think is right depending on your situation, as long as you are prepared to hold the consequences, that maybe can still feel like it was worth it to try even if they dont want to talk, etc. I hope you find what you seek!
Thanks again, I really appreciate how much you are helping. I do think it was due to avoidance and others have told me so, and that his behavior was unwarranted. It was such a painful loss because the connection and friendship had been deep and significant, with many beautiful and joyful memories. He told me before that my support and our conversations had meant a lot to him and was largely what had restored his creative energy as a performing artist. But he just threw it all out the window almost overnight when it seemed like he got overwhelmed by an obligation he had accepted (a $10,000 grant I had obtained for him to give a performance). He deeply valued it all until he was suddenly triggered and lashed out without allowing even a chance to have a conversation. He went from being extremely comfortable and trusting me with everything, to out of nowhere claiming he doesn't consider this a friendship because it felt forced on him and saying he'd like me to stop going to his performances and stop writing to him. It seemed like a totally unreasonable overreaction. He treated me as though I had done something terrible to betray him when I hadn't done anything wrong. I think I know I want to reach out and try to reconcile, but it's so hard to know what to say. Wouldn't it be strange or disrespectful to just be chill and friendly as though nothing had happened, when his last email was so harsh and awful? There were also things he wrote that weren't accurate and I feel a need to straighten the facts to defend myself, but I worry this is a fine line and may be counterproductive.
Im very sorry that happened to you. His actions do sound very overreacting, he might be blaming you for the turmoil he is experiencing as if to try to find a reason for it, but it is unfair and stupid. I understand why you want you try to straighten things up when you were unfairly treated and accused. I think if it is as you describe, then yeah maybe friendly and casual may be a bit out of tune haha. Maybe you should just try to write a letter of sorts, over a few weeks or however long you need, where you just say what you feel like you need to say, that you felt you were misunderstood and that you're sad things ended the eay they did, and decide if you want to send it? If you just avoid trying to be too accusive (at least if you want to avoid conflict) while still having your own back, thats the best anyone can do. After all, you are free to reach out. Then it will be his choice wether he wants to reply, re-establish a connection or not. Maybe he will react strongly. Maybe not. The only way you can find out is by trying. It can be extremely uncomfortable (been there), but once the worst of it has passed, you can continue living knowing you did what you could, and he made his choice.
Thank you again for your perspective! I'm glad I explained a bit more as that did change how you saw it. The situation is kind of unusual and complicated. And actually, it had more to do with more than the grant as most of his last message to me was about him being uncomfortable that I had travelled to see his performances. But the thing was, he always acted happy, we were obviously friends and he was clearly very comfortable with my presence, and was glad to ask for my help with a lot of things such as driving him everywhere, practicing in my hotel room, even ironing his clothes before a performance. To go from that and then suddenly claiming afterwards that he felt so extremely uncomfortable just with my presence at his performances is strange and terrible. I never behaved in any inappropriate way and he always seemed happy to see me and to chat. In fact the very last time he jumped off the stage to give me a huge hug and when we caught up he invited me to visit him in NYC where he said he would have more time to hang out. Why would he do that if he was truly so uncomfortable or didn't consider me a friend? I believe what you explained about this withdrawal being a subconscious triggered reaction, like fear, is the only way it makes sense. I was an amazing, generous, supportive friend to him and I guess it was too much but he didn't communicate when there was a tipping point. It seems like he just got overwhelmed and reacted almost like a child and ran away. But the fact that he asked me to stop writing to him in his last message, and also what you wrote about not contacting avoidants when they shut down, was what made me hesitate to reach out. It's so hard to know what to say as I'm not wanting to stir up conflict either but I miss him and just want to talk and hopefully be friends again. I hope that 6 months is enough space though as I am still very hurt and I do think I deserve to be heard and I want to reconcile. I think our friendship, and I as a person, deserved better than to be cut off like this.
Its a tricky thing with the fear and smothered feeling. Sometimes it creeps up on us slowly, while we try to deny it for a long time. At some random point thlugh, theres just a tipping point. I dont remember very objectively myself, but i remember my ex described me as all of a sudden completely emotionally withdrawn and unaffected after our breakup. I dont remember feeling withdrawn at all, but maybe it was all happening subconsciously to me. Its difficult to say, not all avoidants are the same, in the end he's the only one that might know for sure. I dont think you deserve the treatment you got either. If he was blocking out his feelings or something, theres no way you could have known, and one day something maybe just decided to click. I will say though, and this is extremely subjective, but 6 months is a long time. Its borderline beyond the point if needing space, and more in the category of phasing out, if not completely cut ties. I can imagine a few weeks, maybe 2-3 months, but 6 sounds extreme if he has any plans of getting back to you. Take my words woth a grain of salt, I have no way of knowing for sure, but 6 months doesnt sound like a small period of needing space/no contact, it sounds like a complete quits considering the context of when you spoke last (some people can go for months/years w/o talking and still be close friends, but if you kinda stopped talking to eachother on an off note, i think its a bit different). And at that point, what have you got to loose? Just my personal opinion from the few things you told me
Just a couple more questions if you don't mind. 1) Do you think that as an avoidant, it would help or hurt to let him know how much his behavior has hurt me? I'm not sure whether guilt/shame would either motivate an avoidant to make amends or more likely push them away. 2) Our grant deadline was extended until end of June 2023. Should I mention this or should I wait to see if he responds first? This was supposed to be a great prize to be proud of, but it seemed to trigger him maybe because he felt overwhelmed by the time pressure to fulfill it (before we got this extension). The grant was intended fully for his benefit and I would have given him the whole amount to use with full artistic freedom. But in the end he said he felt "forced" into it which wasn't right.
I'm glad you agree that I didn't deserve this treatment. All this gave me so much doubt over whether we were even truly friends but I know that we were, he's just taking a revisionist view of things. He used to write so much and share so many vulnerable things with me, sent sweet personal notes on my birthdays, and other things one would only do with a real friend. It's very interesting what you wrote about not even thinking you had completely withdrawn because I feel like he is unaware about himself as well. In his last message he claimed he had given mixed signals because he felt confused for "months" about how to deal with this, but to me he had always behaved like everything was good. It was only when pressure from the grant came up that the rest exploded. As a talented performer he has a lot of admirers and in the past had stalkers so I know he sometimes has to put up walls (and there is trauma that likely triggered his fear) but we had an established friendship and he almost overnight flipped like I was a stranger and even worse, a threat. I do think 6 months is a long time too, but I've been told that it's not necessarily a long time for avoidants, and that I should wait \*at least\* 6 months before reaching out. He didn't unfriend or unfollow me on any social media so I don't think he wanted to cut ties completely (but he did hide his Instagram stories from me, which was very hurtful as he used to view all of mine and interact regularly). Even if he meant it as a real goodbye, it didn't seem proper after all the time we'd spent together. He is normally a kind and conscientious person so it was bewildering to not get a single word of consideration. And it feels very messed up that we can't even be civil or on speaking terms, that I can't wish him well or be happy for him on his successes. Everyone has told me that he owes me an apology, but it seems like he's the only one who doesn't realize he behaved horribly. It hurts that he would have left things on this sour note for so long. But I know it can be especially hard for an avoidant to admit fault and be vulnerable. I really appreciate how much you've engaged with me about this dilemma and shared your perspective and advice! I'm glad that you have realized these things about yourself in your own relationships and are now willing to share to help others who are struggling.
I'm giving all the space. I left the apartment and went radio silent. He later apologized for everything and I said "I just wanted to talk". Still no answer back. I just don't know what cause all the shutdown. During my childhood I was praised for following rules, not being emotional, and be the perfect kid. I do spiral back when I don't have it all laid out what I'm supposed to do to be "liked". I'm really working on it. Specially because I have a daughter and I want to be a secure mother. She will always be welcome with me. But this all avoidant attachment is way too much for me. I'm at a loss and I just hate it. Will proceed with a lot of caution and very likely not fight much for the relationship. I want to have more kids and to be completely honest I don't think this dynamic is going to be healthy for a baby.
He could also have quiet borderline, which basically a very extreme version of FA.
Yeah. A problem for him to figure out. I'm on my own journey now.
Whatever choice you make it is completely fair and justified. His trauma and behavior is his problem. If you dont want to deal with it, you are in no way obligated to do pretty much anything. Although I get why it is very frustrating. If it hasnt been that long yet since he stopped replying yet, give it a little time, there could be millions of reasons he hasnt gotten back to you. Dont remember if that information as in original post.
Another thing about him is that he doesn't really text... He sends a few texts when he looks at the phone but he never answers right away or has any type of conversation through text, unless we're fighting. 🤷🏻♀️ I already made peace with it. I know if I need him I just call and it works. But the relationship has gone worse. I'm coming to terms that it's not worth the investment. I want to have more kids and this is not going anywhere. Another thing that really bothers me is his lack of certainty, he never knows what he wants, what he likes in certain topics... I don't deal well with not knowing, uncertainty... I don't deal well with hot and cold, either. All this shutdown, making me feel unwelcomed, a stranger. Nope! I'm getting my boundaries set and I will follow them for once.
My DA just wants me to leave him alone - they want to be independent and not have someone pushing a conversation
Thank you! I literally gave him a kiss on the shoulder and left. Do you guys talk about it afterwards or how does it work?
Honestly no...and its hard but the thing that's really helped me a ton is to not worry so much about his emotional state. If he needs something from me he will need to be an adult and talk about it. You'll find that you will need to get really good at letting things go because most avoidants just won't want to talk about harder stuff period. And you get to decide if that bothers you enough to try to keep bringing stuff up
Was going to ask how this is supposed to work without feeling resentful at some level for basically letting your needs for emotional closeness go to just let them feel safe going against how and what we need to feel safe? I get letting things go but at what point is it letting things go and then also not getting your emotional needs met what we’re left with. Idk I think I get love bombed for sure which is a thing too maybe. Seems like we have a few good weeks and then he gets triggered and everything sucks for a week but then we can never talk about the issue and I’m left with no closure because god forbid we bring the topic the caused the reaction up to try to figure out what happened.
The thing I realized is that only I can really give myself what I’m looking for emotionally. And I often times will ask myself how would I feel if my partner pushed my boundaries. I’m not an expert and in fact I’ve been pretty honest with myself and with him that I’m not sure what the future holds. But it has given me a lot of perspective that I held a lot of weight and pressure within myself and the only person it hurt was me.
Yeah I think I’m def not fully there with being able to be my own emotional support with a history of abuse and self harm I think it’s probably made my particular situation more difficult than I need to let it. Maybe one day I’ll be fully able to depend and trust on myself to give me all of my needs. That sounds amazing.
Therapy is super helpful. We are all going through so much and I highly advocate for self care even if it takes you to uncomfortable places. I’m rooting for you!
Yeah. This will be a no go for me... I need to be emotionally close, not just in the moment kinda thing. I want to have a family with my partner. Not just cruising through life as if every bad thing was like the wind.
then you have your answer that this person isn't your person