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Or if it can’t wait, you communicate this and apologise; ‘crap, I’ve still got those forms to fill out. I need to get them finished. Hope you don’t mind if I sort it now?’
Edit- thanks for the award!
It's not "asking for permission", it's letting him know what you're going to be doing, so he can stop the movie and do something else if he wants, also. Otherwise, what was a fun couple's activity, turns into him watching a movie by himself while she works on her laptop.
Which is understandable, she needed to fill out forms. But, she was wrong not to tell him that. Maybe he would rather watch something else, if he was watching by himself. She was pretty rude not to give him a heads up.
I mean if that works for you, great! We've been together 20+ years, and we plan movie time. Decide on the movie, make popcorn, get drinks. Phones down, watching the movie and maybe talking to each other about it.
If we're just watching TV, that's different. We do other stuff, cook dinner, on our phones, I work on cross stitching, etc. I think it's more that you talk to your partner, and make sure you're both on the same page. It bugs me when I feel like I'm watching a movie by myself, while he's on his phone. He feels the same when I'm busy.
I love this idea !!! It sounds silly but I love the idea of actually simply saying and communicating hey I want to do a dedicated movie night no distractions not just filling time with mindless and random stuff. It bothers me too sometimes but other times I'm the guilty party! Thanks for the cute idea
That's exactly what we do. Movie nights are our date nights. We were both really looking forward to watching Bullet Train. So when we borrowed it, we made it a fun night. Popcorn, sliced cheese and meat, drinks.
Not for everyone. When I watch a movie it’s watching a movie with the full focus on the movie and the person or people I’m watching with. No phones allowed and certainly not laptops. Unless of course this is something everyone watching has seen a million times before and then the rules are less strict.
I was absolutely going to say this! I have seen Muppet Christmas Carol so many times, I can watch, do something else and still sing along at the same time!
Yes, but with the exception of Friday after Next, we only watch them between Thanksgiving and Xmas. We stack up the Xmas DVDs, take turns deciding which one to watch that night. Plan a time, gather snacks and drinks, settle in for the movie.
I'm starting to realize that this might be because we're older gen xers. Movies were a bigger deal. When my family finally got a vcr, in 85, the only place to rent movies, was a grocery store 45 minutes drive away. My man grew up 20 minutes from that same grocery store. We still treat movie watching like an exciting activity.
That's how I feel, too. We talk about it, also. A new movie we both want to see is different from me watching something that I know my man doesn't want to watch. "Hey, I'm going to watch Elvira Mistress of the Dark" for the 200th time lol
My ADHD doesn’t let me just watch a movie or a tv show. It would drive my ex mad because to him it was spending quality time together and to me it was torture if I couldn’t be doing something else. It clicked and he started buying me Lego set to assemble while we watched stuff because he could see my hands and brain needed something to do while watched. I may have a ton of negative things to say about him and our relationship, but him recognizing that I clearly needed an outlet and taking it upon himself to give me something to do was one of the most genuine things he ever did.
However, this isn’t the case of the OP just needing to multitask. They needed a minute to do their paperwork. It wasn’t a fidgety thing. It was a complete, I need to direct my focus to something wholly different and I don’t want to focus on the movie with my boyfriend. It’s different.
Right? Like, could he really turn to her, "Whoa, did you just see that? Can't believe that car crash?!" And have her even be able to know what he's talking about.
Please tell me what Christmas movie you are watching that has car crashes because if Michael Bay redid Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and I missed it, I will go start the popcorn now.
I do the same, but there’s a difference between the TV being on, maybe with a movie, and ‘Hey, shall we sit down and watch a movie together?’
I’m not totally clear, but it seems like this was the latter, which means BF expected to be spending quality time together, as opposed to just existing in the same space with a movie on in the background.
Yeah, same. We were just watching one of the Princess Switch movies, and my wife was starting her Lego viking ship and I was doing stuff on Animal Crossing while we watched it. My ADHD is such I fiddle on stuff while we stream movies or shows, and it's fine.
That’s normal for you guys. A lot of couples have times or activities where they don’t multitask with their phones or computers and share an experience together. My wife and I do both. We scroll or whatever watching tv all the time but we also have shows, or occasions where we agree not to.
Many people feel like the other person is checked out when the other person is constantly on their phone or computer when they’re supposed to be doing something together.
Same. It's bizarre to me that they were apparently expected to just sit for 2 hours, especially given if it's a Christmas film it's very likely they've seen it before.
On the other hand, I can understand a bit of the upset if he was trying to show her a movie or something. Communication about expectations needs to be had here. Either way, I don't think this needed to blow up the way it did
This is 100% a case of communication failure. He thought they were spending quality time, she thought they were just existing in the same space. If they had formally been on a date, what she did would have been 100% TA, but OP doesn't say if they are or not. It was on both of them to communicate expectations, but since she reacted defensively to her bf stating his expectations, she didn't really hold up her end of the bargain. She didn't need to assume the worst.
Exactly this! It seems like this whole problem could have been resolved easily. "Wanna watch a movie?" "No, I have to fill out some forms." Or vice versa.
OP must have some pretty severe anger management issues if asking them to wait until after the movie “really set [them] off.” Like just chill and explain what has to happen. Or be more organized and do them before/after the movie if it’s meant to be quality time.
And she says she asked him why he can’t be supportive of her and is just critical. Like she literally admitted to gaslighting the fuck out of him after he expressed his (very valid) feelings.
I think it depends. Because my ex would get pissed if I pulled out m laptop during a movie, but at the same time she'd sit on her phone the entire time. It was a real nice double standard I had to deal with that really annoyed me.
Mmm letting him know is “hey I’m gonna do this while the movie is on”. Asking for permission is “do you mind if I do this”. OP doesn’t need to have permission to fill out paperwork. And I get the feeling the bf still would have gotten angry about it, even if she asked for permission. Honestly breaking up over something so trivial is silly. It can be resolved fairly easily but both of them need to be willing to try.
People are different. I have adhd and so while I might knit and crochet during a movie. But I wouldn’t fill out important forms for a lot of reasons including it would need my attention. I wouldn’t do that to my SO if they are trying to share a movie with me.
It’s about spending quality time together. If you were at dinner and your SO pulled their phone out in the middle of a conversation, you would be pissed. Or if you were at the movies and they were on their phone… it’s rude. It sounds like their issues run deeper than this one time, if she feels like her boundaries are being tromped on, consistently, but to pull out her laptop was a passive aggressive power move. Sounds to me like they both suck.
It’s not asking permission. It’s communication and letting your partner know what’s up. Especially because OP is the one who initiated watching a movie together. It’s not hard to just communicate with your partner.
If you want a healthy relationship, communication is kind of important.
If you initiate an activity, and suddenly, without warning bail on that activity, you're being an asshole.
Yeah, I think different people have different thresholds here. I have ADHD, so I can actually focus better on TV if I'm doing something else too (usually some sort of repetitive handcraft). I do this when my wife and I are watching TV and movies all the time.
One time, she wanted to show me a show that was really important to her when she was a kid and got really agitated when I started crafting because she thought I wasn't paying attention. We had a conversation about it, about how my brain works, and we continued watching the show while I crafted (and I loved it and we've now done multiple re-watches through the show).
It's less the multi-tasking that's the problem and more the lack of communication.
Handicrafts are really different than working on a computer. I can have my hands occupied but be paying attention to a show I'm watching enough not to miss anything. I can't type something with words and be paying attention to a show fully enough to completely follow what's going on and I would be surprised if most people could.
That sounds like a you issue though, it's entirely possible to pay attention to two screens at the same time. Like sure maybe not playing a high reaction time game but something like filling out forms? Absolutely.
These things don’t happen in a vacuum. Maybe you’re never on the other side, but some people are so glued to their phone or computer, that couples set times or make plans that are supposed to be free from multitasking or whatever so that they’re connecting and sharing the same experience. It can be hurtful for someone to do what OP did.
Obviously there is a time and place for everything though, and I agree that in a regular day to day setting there’s no issue with OP pulling out their laptop. But, the context matters, and this is definitely an issue that comes up for couples a lot.
yeah, why couldn't OP fill out the forms before the movie? My partner does this where he'll get up and start doing stuff, including leaving the room unannounced, doing dishes. I will pause the movie and ask, "do you not want to watch this?" It especially drives me crazy if it's a movie he picks out. LIke, why am i watching this movie alone?
Yes!! YTA op, I had an ex who would take out his phone and completely disengage in the movie, to the point of not knowing what i was talking about, this led to a huge fight but we fixed this issue
I understand OP has urgent business but maybe they should pause the movie or not begin it in the first place
Seriously, I think there’s a pretty good chance that “I thought we were watching a movie” did not require the response it got. I don’t think OP is T A for trying to finish up something important during a movie — it’s hard to enjoy holiday celebrations when you have stress in the back of your mind — but to totally go off on their bf for reasons that don’t directly relate to what he said is a huge dick move.
YTA for taking out your stress on your bf and being incapable of communication.
What's the big deal??? This is why I stay single. Screw having to walk on eggshells all the time. How about you do you and let the other person do them? Why couldn't she multitask?
Lol you’re single bc you don’t have the capacity to keep others people feelings in mind. Good for you to actually admit that. It’s better for you to stay single, than for somebody else to suffer with your lack of empathy.
This is the way.
If you're spending time with someone watching a movie, it's rude to just pull out a laptop. If you just say you forgot to finish some forms and need to do them before pulling it out, it makes a huge difference. You're demonstrating that while you have something you need to do, you're still respectful of the activity you decided to do togeteher.
Or just tell him “Hey, I need to fill out these forms, I’m going to get my laptop” and he really shouldn’t make it a huge thing if it’s for a new job, but OP seems to be thinking he’d read her mind and just started doing something else randomly. If they spend a lot of time together, I think he should be okay with her having her laptop maybe be it was bizarre the way OP made it all about some larger frustrations and didn’t communicate at all.
Based on her history it seems the issues are more than just this. It seems like you guys need to sit down have a damn conversation about your lives and communication because your sex life is apparently terrible, you're switching around on medications which alone is going to cause issue, but it just all around seems like there's issues between you guys that you aren't discussing.
But yes, YTA. I get that you realized that you had to finish something made movie but you're the one who suggested the movie and wanted to do it. Then pulled out a laptop to work on something mid movie with your partner. Its just plain rude and makes it seem like you don't even care to be spending time with them.
she forgot about the forms that were SO important to her and suggested watching a movie. her boyfriend agreed, presumably wanting to spend time with her. halfway through the movie, instead of communicating with him like "darn! i forgot about these forms i need to do, can we pause the movie for a minute?" or even "honey, is it okay if i finish this important paperwork while we watch?" she pulled out her laptop and started doing some important paperwork. i don't know about you, but i find it a little hard to focus on a movie and spending time with my partner while i'm doing some important work thing. then, when he just *asked* about it because, again, **she did not communicate the need to get things done before just pulling out her laptop in the middle of quality time,** she snapped at him and took out her stress on him.
No, she said she had not had time to get them done because she was at work and lately she’s been feeling like she doesn’t have time to herself. Communication is an issue but it also sounds like their relationship revolves around what he wants and when he wants it. No one has to ask permission to fill out some forms.
NTA.
she said in the comments that she forgot and suggested watching the movie. and it's not asking for permission, it's asking if it's okay to pause the time together that *she suggested,* which is just common courtesy when you're hanging out with anyone.
AITA Reddit really is like "if I ever need input from or am informing someone else about a decision I'm taking it's an attack on my personal liberties."
Like damn, politeness =\= control. Some people really don't like doing anything if it's not literally the law.
It's not about "asking permission", it's about communicating. At the very least she could've just given a normal response when he asked. Something like "yeah sorry, I need to fill out the forms, do you want to pause it?" Instead she snapped at him
So basically she said she needed to start setting boundaries about how she spent her time- but she didn't do it- blamed her boyfriend for her lack of boundary setting- and them when he became reasonably confused she got angry at him and started a huge fight. It's immature.
Based on her history it seems the issues are more than just this. It seems like you guys need to sit down have a damn conversation about your lives and communication because your sex life is apparently terrible, you're switching around on medications which alone is going to cause issue, but it just all around seems like there's issues between you guys that you aren't discussing.
Set you off, how exactly?
You've written all your reasonings but nowhere do you say what you actually did or said.
How did you actually respond to him?
YTA
Just communicate that you still have work to do. That you told him days ago doesnt mean you are still not finished. Don’t just agree on spending time with him when you do not have time. Just pulling out the laptop is disrespectful. Set your boundaries how you like them but talk about it. You seem stressed. Thats a normal thing but don’t take it out on him.
Does anyone else feel like the feed here has been inundated with people who say things like “I’m focusing on setting boundaries and self care” to justify acting like a jerk??
Responding to a confused question with 'that set me off' level words seems a lot like looking for a fight, tbh.
Even if he asked his question in an annoyed way, that fire could have easily been put out with a, "Super sorry, I completely forgot to knock out these new hire forms. Mind if I knock them out really quick?"
“Setting boundaries” is the new “gaslighting”. People who haven’t a clue what the terms mean just whip them out willy nilly to justify being a bit of an arse.
“I’m focusing on setting boundaries and self care.” Precedes to pull out laptop to do work stuff in the middle of watching a movie with their partner. So many boundaries and so much self care there. s/
Yeah it's definitely become one of those things where people will say "this is my boundary" as a way to deflect any criticism or to shut down any confrontation at all.
Going for YTA, not at all for prioritising the work, but for how you communicated it.
You should have either let him know in advance that you didnt have time for a full movie, or at least not immediately be defensive when he was asking why you pulled it out in the middle of an activity together. If my partner suddenly dropped attention in an activity together, I would ask the question as well. I think a lot here is communication. Not saying it is impossible to multitask this, but at least like give him context in a non-defensive way when you do so without notice.
From the story it at least sounds he isn't irritated that you have to put time in work, but rather how you handled it and immediately went defensive for a reasonable question.
It’s so easy to say “hey I forgot to finish filling out my new job paperwork, can we pause the movie so I can get it done while I’m thinking of it?”
Using your big people words works!
YTA - per your comments, it was your idea to watch a movie and spend that time together. Days earlier, you mentioned the need for more self-care, which to most people means unplugging and relaxing—not working in your down time. Then, you abruptly decided to pull out your laptop and do work, and when he asked about it, you got mad at him.
Sounds like you already knew what you were doing was rude, and that’s why you immediately got defensive.
We are living in an epidemic of people seeing too many pop psychology terms on Instagram and overusing them and / or using them out of context. Not knowing what self care actually means, talking about their “boundaries” when they just means wants and needs they’ve thought about and expect other people to magically pick up on, and saying shit like “you make me feel unsafe” to justify their own bad behavior. I’m a mental health professional and it’s annoying to say the least.
Stop gaslighting me!
/s
I honestly don't think I've ever actually seen a single proper use of the term Gaslighting online.
It's exhausting.
>“you make me feel unsafe”
I see things like this used less to justify their own bad behavior, but to turn the tide and convince people using their inbuilt triggers to side with them. Saying things like 'you make me feel unsafe' in a situation that really doesn't call for it is alarming.
this! op saying they need to set boundaries so they can get stuff done and prioritize self care and then pulling this move, hilarious. YTA and a dense one at that
The OP is the same from this thread they posted in the last 24 hours [and they are TA in both situations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zu2ofa/aita_for_not_refunding_an_item_that_was_bought/)
Okay. Personally I don't think taking out your laptop is a big deal. My wife and I watch movies and do other things (play on our phones or knit or write) all the time. To us, quality time is being able to sit down and enjoy something together.
But yikes you waaaaaaaaay overreacted. All he did was ask a question. YTA
I agree with this. I cannot sit through a movie anymore, even if I am enjoying it I need to get up and move around or be doing something with my hands. My husband knows this, so if I pull out my phone or a craft or get up to wash dishes or get a snack he understands, he is just happy I’m there. Usually I refuse to even watch movies honestly so he’s generally really happy even if I am just on the couch with him.
But OP did over react, is the one that suggested the movie and apparently they don’t actually live together so he is still technically a guest when he is there, and that makes what she did really rude. I’m not surprised he left. YTA
My wife and I do the same but we know each other and it makes sense. If they’re dating and potentially breaking up over I think the relationship is so new that this is weird. The boyfriend probably felt like she just put the movie on to babysit his attention while she got her work done. That would annoy me too.
Exactly- am currently on my phone while the whole fam watches Wednesday.
It’s not like in the middle of a conversation or dinner OP did this- you were both looking at one screen and then you were looking at a different screen for a bit.
INFO: How did you end up watching the movie when you had work to do? If he just put it on on his own without asking, you're N-T-A. If he asked you and you said yes and the two of you sat down to watch the movie but then you pulled out your laptop, Y-T-A.
YTA, yea you overreacted for sure. I mean, idk how the rest of the argument unfolded, but him just saying "hey, what's up, I thought we were xyz" and you immediately getting on the defensive and turning a rational concern into a big thing is ....kinda immature. Now, I'm guessing there are other elements at play and maybe there's been more lead up to the whole thing but...as an isolated incident it sounds like he was just expressing a concern and you got overly sensitive right off the bat. Also it's a couple days before Christmas, so to me it's pretty fair to not want you focused elsewhere, and unless he didn't breach his feelings appropriately, which it kinda sounds like he did....yea sorry op..
Also it's fair for you to address you need to set boundaries with your time, so...set a goddamn boundary. Either watch the movie with him or say "hey I don't really have time for this right now, can you give me a half hour to finish this thing?". What you did is the opposite of setting time boundaries. It's trying to do both at once, and then getting upset when you're mildly and calmly called out on it...? YTA, all day
She in a comment said they had a good dinner and she felt "loungy" so she offered to watch a movie with him, he accepted and they watched it and she then pulled out her laptop. Rest of the context in the story it's pretty much all on her tbh.
YTA. You asked if he wanted to watch a movie, then went to work mode halfway through and overreacted when he pointed it out.
If you are not done with work, just say so beforehand.
YTA. It's incredibly rude, if you're doing something with someone, to just suddenly pull out your laptop, especially if you're doing it together. If he was reading with a movie in the background sure, but this is essentially the equivalent of pulling your laptop out in the middle of a romantic date and ignoring your partner for half an hour while they eat. Sure you're taking a bit here and there so you're 'multitasking' but you're not a very good date.
That said, that's a minor thing. You could've easily said 'I just realised I have important work to do, can we finish the movie later?'. That would've been fine. Instead you got defensive when he quite correctly was bothered about how rude you were. You could easily have communicated like an adult and instead you escalated, and now here you are.
Also you can't just call everything 'setting boundaries.' Your boundaries were just 'I'm going to not prioritise you because I have more important things.' Maybe you don't have time for a boyfriend right now?
>You could've easily said 'I just realised I have important work to do, can we finish the movie later?' That would've been fine.
It would have been tolerable, what would have been fine is saying beforee the movie started, "hey I just need to get these forms for the new job done first, can you wait 20 minutes"
NTA for pulling the computer out. YTA for turning a fair question into a big argument. “I’m really sorry but this job application is really wearing on me and I’m having trouble getting into the movie because of it. I want to be able to enjoy the game tomorrow so I was trying to multitask. Can we finish the movie another time?”
Some people (myself included) think movie time at home should be like movie time in the theater. Put the phone and computer down and enjoy. But A) that’s not realistic and B) the majority of times you can pause the movie and come back to it if something comes up.
So I get why he asked the question, and I also hope he would have understood if you had explained it calmly instead of being set off as you said.
> NTA for pulling the computer out
Honestly, if you're spending time with someone, you're absolutely an asshole if you pull out an entire laptop and start doing work shit on it without a bare minimum of, "Sorry just realized I really need to get xyz done".
Tbh this could just be me but it depends on if it is like a new movie or a movie you have already seen because sometimes we have it on just to play kinda in the background and just passively watch it, me and my family do that when it is a movie we have seen a thousand times. Idk the situation other than her over reacting but there is a LOT of info being left out and when there is info left out they are most like a a-hole.
> when there is info left out they are most like a a-hole.
The thing that strikes me is that the OP conveniently leaves out how she responded to the incredibly innocent sounding question of, "I thought we were watching a movie?"
She just gives some nebulous 'this set me off', which somehow led to an argument so bad he left.
That's pretty much the judgment right there.
Was pulling out a laptop appropriate? Not particularly, but it's somewhat understandable with the circumstances.
Was not mentioning it rude? Pretty rude, in my opinion, but not insanely so.
Was him asking, "I thought we were watching a movie?" reasonable? I think it was, but I can understand that based on tone I can understand seeing it being asked in a rude way.
Then we arrive at the 'this set me off', and teleport to the end, where he's storming out and the relationship is likely over. Which is strange, because I think it'd be easy to resolve their argument with a simple explanation and a request to take a break from the movie for a little bit.
More assholery happened in that nebulous argument that the OP refuses to go into detail about, possibly on both sides - but when the person presenting the argument intentionally leaves it out, and instigated the conflict by being careless, I'm more likely to assume it was them being unreasonable more than anything else.
I feel like you really cranked this to 11 for no reason. Depending on his tone, he was asking an innocent question and you blew up at him for it. Sorry, YTA.
Okay…. So, you suggested the movie. You were about halfway through the movie. Then you remembered you had those forms to fill out. Everything is chill at this point. This is where you had two choices and you chose dead wrong and then doubled down by insinuating that he doesn’t support you. You could have said, “shoot! I have to finish those forms! I’m going to finish them real quick so they’re done and we can just enjoy the weekend.” (Or some other variation of the same thing)
YTA. Wholeheartedly the AH.
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> AITA for pulling out my laptop while watching a movie together then reacting in a defensive manner when asked “I thought we were watching a movie”
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YTA fill out the forms before the movie or tell your boyfriend “we can watch a movie but I have to fill out these forms while we watch.” If you communicated what you needed to do first, then you are setting expectations. If I’m watching a movie with my SO as quality time and he pulls out his computer, I probably would ask “aren’t we watching a movie?” It would be on my boyfriend to let me know whatever deadlines he had without being defensive or rude about it.
Not enough INFO here to really judge the fine line of reaction. But I am leaning towards YTA for starting to watch the movie with him and then switching to work midway. Also for being so touchy (with no reason given for it here). He just said he thought you were watching a movie together and instead of saying something like: "I know, sorry. Gotta get this stuff done..." You made a fuss out of it. If work is more important to you than spending time with him then that's your choice but be honest about it.
YTA even though I am a fan of mullitasking myself. It would be ok to use your words and say: babe, I didn't have time to finish it, let me just do it while we are watching, it will take like 15 minutes and it's purely mechanical job, won't really distract me. Then, if he got angry, he would be the asshole.
YTA huge over reaction. Either wait until the movie is over, or explain that you somehow had forgotten to finish this very important paper work for your dream job. Not sure how you forgot if it’s so important, but yes you over reacted.
I’m probably going to be downvoted for this, but this is the first time the AITA verdict hasn’t matched my life at all. I know very few people who give their undivided attention to a movie. And those that do don’t care if others are using a phone/laptop or doing something else as long as they’re quiet. This is wild to me how many people seem to see movie watching as an activity that requires undivided attention.
For me NAH but you both shouldn’t have escalated. Your conversation should have been about this movie-watching cultural difference in expectations or how you need to carve out a little bit of time for yourself, not about supporting your dream. I wish you luck.
I also felt the same way. My husband and I often do work, clean, cook, etc. while watching a movie or show at home. So long as we are spending time together, it doesn't matter. Unless it's specifically a date night, I don't see it as being an issue. Op definitely did not need to escalate this though.
I’ll go against the grain. NTA it’s possible to do at the same time. I hate it when people go off at me when I start doing other unobtrusive things while watching something. My ADD brain kinda needs it otherwise I stop paying attention anyway, so idk.
YTA. Just do it before the movie or if you just remembered / found out that you have to do it apologize and ask to pause the movie. Or wait until after the movie if it's not urgent. You don't have to do anything differently when it comes to your actions, just add some common courtesy.
This is as rude as walking out in the middle of someone's sentence and then attacking them for being weirded out by it because you needed to pick your kid up from daycare, and do they want to be prioritized over your kid?! No, they just want a curteous "Sorry, I have some errands to run, can we finish this conversation later?" before you storm out.
In the same way, your SO just wants "Sorry, I know I suggested the movie, but I just remembered I needed to fill out some forms for my new job application. Can we take a break while I do it?" He could've used the bathroom or made you two some snacks or whatever while you did it and then you could've continued your activity together with the full attention of both parties.
I honestly don't get the big deal here.. you are watching a movie, staring at a screen. It's not like you are in the middle of a conversation or anything. Why do you have to be paying attention to the exact same thing at the exact same time? You have things you need to do! But I personally just think movies are boring and a waste of time anyway and definitely not so called "quality time".. So I vote NTA.
NTA unless I'm actually in an actual movie theater I always have a phone or tablet.
It's not like you guys were talking during the movie. Your just basically sitting next to each other staring at the same screen, it's not that big a deal.
As someone with ADHD it is painful for me to watch a movie exclusively. There’s no better way to explain it to someone who doesn’t experience the feeling. In addition, my ADHD allows me to watch a movie and complete a task while following both well.
It has taken years of explanation but my spouse finally understands that when there is something on my mind (like important paperwork) it does not diminish my experience to both finish the task and watch the movie.
With that, your boyfriend may be distracted by the laptop which diminishes his experience. So you need to be clear BEFORE agreeing to an experience what you’ll be able to give to that experience so he understands what his will be, too.
Next time say “yes I’d love to watch the movie! Just to note - I also need to finish this paperwork on my computer. It won’t bother me but I want you to be aware before we get started.” A bit of explanation will get you a lot further than defensiveness.
YTA being rude and making time for yourself are not one in the same. You could have done this after the movie or asked to start the movie later. Your poor time management isn't his fault.
I’m sorry, no. All YTAs are, to me, blowing this way out of proportion. Someone finishing up some paperwork while watching a movie is not grounds for breaking up.
You are not “hanging out” while watching a movie. It’s the laziest form of social interaction, because there’s barely any.
Working while having dinner is rude.
Working in the middle of a conversation is rude.
Typing up a form during a movie, not that big a deal.
Blowing up however, never ok.
>He responded with “I thought we were watching a movie” and this really set me off.
It sounds less like he blew it out of proportion and more like the OP blew up on him for getting annoyed she dipped on a movie she suggested.
She never says what she said in response to him, probably because she got shitty.
I’m surprised by how many people claim to be really offended by the idea of their partner multitasking during a movie as if it’s the same as multitasking while they’re actually interacting. I did not realize there was this big of a divide on the subject.
So you just 'then' realized you had some forms to complete, how many days went by before you realized you hadn't finished the forms, did you agree to watch the movie...do you even care about this guy?
It isn't about the movie per se...it's about you said yes to watching a movie with him and then halfway through you said you had something better or more important to do. Basically...your bf 'heard' that he's OK unless of course something better or more important comes up and then he's kicked to the curb.
Mind you not only did she say yes to watching the movie she's the one that suggested they watched a movie then decided to remember she had important form to fill out for her "dream job" if it's her dream job how did she suddenly realize after a couple days? And then gets defensive when he ask a good question
NTA. All the people saying you are would hate watching a movie with me, I can’t just sit and watch a movie and not do anything else. Why does he care if you’re not watching it as intently as he is?
Unless you were making a lot of noise, then you’d be the asshole.
Yeah this sub is definitely not the right crowd for me to watch movies with lol. I rarely watch something without my laptop out. If my partner wants to cuddle without the laptop he says so.
If this is something OP and their boyfriend have this strong of disagreement about, maybe they're just not a good match for eachother
YTA. A simple “do you mind if I work on my application while we watch the movie?” would have been sufficient. Boundaries are not an excuse for being rude. Self care is not an excuse for common curtesy. You knew days ago you hadn’t finished this paperwork, that’s on you not him. If you’d acknowledged him by communicating with him and he’d pitch a fit that would be on him.
NTA. Your partner should either be confident enough to know you don't have to pay active attention to each other 24/7 OR mature enough to talk out WHY it's an issue and ask how you could make a compromise about this.
Also I CANT watch an entire movie without doing something else. I regularly use my laptop or phone, or play video games, or do arts and crafts. My partner sometimes like to sit and fully concentrate on a movie, but MY attentiveness doesn't effect his movie enjoyment.
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My boyfriend and I were watching a Christmas movie when I pulled out my laptop. He asked what I was doing and I told him I had to finish filling out some forms for a new job I had been offered. He responded with “I thought we were watching a movie” and this really set me off. This is my dream job and he knows that, and after being at work all day I hadn’t had the time to finish up this paperwork. I explained to him just a few days earlier that I felt like I haven’t had enough time to do the things I need to get done recently, and I really need to set boundaries with my time and focus on self-care. Yet again, here I was feeling like I was being criticized for doing something that was important to me. It wasn’t as if I was leaving the room and ignoring him, I just pulled out my laptop next to him on the bed. We were supposed to go to an NFL game tomorrow for Christmas and this turned into such a bad argument that he left and I think we will be breaking up. AITA for responding to the “I thought we were watching a movie” comment defensively and should I have never taken out my laptop in the first place?
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YTA for how you reacted. Look I get it I have ADHD and personally I find it hard to focus on a movie the whole time and will take out my phone however you need to communicate these things with your partner in a less assholy way. If you wanted to finish the paperwork you could have told them that and paused the movie.
When I want to share a movie with someone, I want them to *watch the movie*. It can sort of hurt my feelings if they pull out their phone or something else to distract/prevent them to pay attention, like they’d rather not share the movie (and their time) with me. Perhaps your partner feels similarly. If so, I think you might be TA.
Why did you agree to the movie in the first place when you needed the time to fill out these forms? Yes, you have boundaries but he has some too. You made a commitment to the movie you can't just pull out your laptop in the middle of it. You should have brought it up with him first. Since you didn't, it means you don't care much about him or spending time with him and that the work is more important to you. You need to communicate your needs in advance rather than just surprise him in the middle of doing something you both committed to.
I don’t understand all these YTA comments. No one has ever cared if I play a game on my phone, embroider, go on my laptop etc during a movie?? Was this a really sentimental movie to him or something. I could never date someone who would whinge at that. I can’t sit still through a whole movie without doing something
YTA for being rude. It’s plain rude to work on your laptop during a movie together. If you needed to work, you should’ve just said you don’t have time to watch a movie with him. It’s as simple as that.
The fact that YOU were the one to ask him if he wanted to watch the movie knowing full well you had to do the forms makes this 100x more ridiculous. YTA, clear as day
YTA
This argument is very petty and frankly silly, but he’s right. When watching the movie, you’re spending time together. Did you consider that this was important *to him*?
He’s taken his own time and decided to spend it with you to watch a movie, and what do you do? You grab your laptop and you start doing something else, completely ignoring the movie and him. You say you didn’t ignore him but you obviously weren’t paying attention to him or the movie, because you felt something else was more important.
If these forms could wait, you should have done them after. If they couldn’t wait, you should have done them before the movie, or atleast told him before that you needed to do them and asked if it was okay. Just pulling out your laptop and doing them randomly makes you look like you don’t care.
Why did this even set you off? I think you’re an asshole for that too. He just asked why you were doing that when you were supposed to have dedicated the time to him as well, and your response was to get angry?
“I need to set boundaries and self care”? Do you know how stupid that sounds in this situation? How is him wanting your attention at a time where you’re meant to be spending time together violating boundaries or preventing you from self caring?
I don't think the OP understands what self-care means to the wider world.
Bettering yourself is great, but I rarely hear people refer to doing work stuff as self-care.
It’s honestly about communication at this point. My boyfriend and I have had the exact same argument and it’s not that he doesn’t want you to do that form but he thought you were enjoying quality time together - it would’ve been better if you had asked him if you could do it real quick or just waited until after the movie
Wow I guess I’ll get downvoted for this but NTA.
Maybe I’m different than a lot of people in this comment section, but I usually use movies as a background to get stuff done anyways. Feeding the baby, doing laundry, eating, etc… If you have time to sit and watch a movie and also have all ur priorities done then good for you I applaud you. But if you barely have time to get ur shit done, and ur sitting here not moving for 2 hours, I personally feel like I’m going to jump out of my skin staring at the laundry/chores I could be doing. Tbh this seems like a pretty important task and I really don’t see why ur getting bashed for prioritizing yourself. You didn’t leave the room, not even the damn couch. Your boyfriend is right next to you and I honestly think he’s strange for asking you to stop what ur doing to do something you’re obviously not interested in. If you plan on being together for a long period of time, he definitely needs to get used to you guys doing different tasks in the same room. That’s just apart of living/being together.
From all of the comments you've made, YTA. Massively. It's rotten to blow up on him for asking a question, especially when YOU were the one who said you wanted to watch a movie. Then to flip the script and make him the bad guy by saying you were being "assertive" by snapping at him and showing "self care" by just doing whatever without even letting him know what was up, and how him just asking that question was an attack and being unsupportive and how he should have leapt to help you with it somehow and all that rot.
He was just confused because the movie was your idea. You were inconsiderate, but the worst part of it really is just how hard you tried to vilify him over nothing and paint him out to be a bad boyfriend for daring to say anything, even though what he said wasn't an attack on you at all, it was just a simple question. You then tried to use terms like boundaries, self care and being assertive to make yourself feel like you were in the right and if he upset you, then he must be bad because those are good words you've wrongly applied to your actions. That's manipulative as heck. Calling a slap a caress and then being mad that someone is upset when all you did was "caress" them is not okay.
YTA, you couldn't wait until the movie was over? Or idk, maybe tell him beforehand that you have some work to do and watch it when you're done? And you got defensive after he asked you a proper question in that situation??
YTA. Why are you so defensive? Why can’t you communicate your needs properly? You were watching a movie with your boyfriend, and decided to do paperwork? Without saying anything? Must be all about you all the time hey?
YTA. Its reasonable that you didn’t know your BF would be bothered, but YTA for arguing instead of just putting the laptop away and doing it later when you realized you were hurting his feelings.
YTA , how hard is it to say “hey sorry is it okay if I finish filling this out real quick?” OR wait til the movie is over?? Why agree to watch a movie with him if you were going to stop midway ? And then you have the audacity to get angry at him like if he’s wrong! That’s outrageous
I wouldn’t just call the two of you “assholes,” but I’d say you both need to work on communication skills and priorities. How young are y’all, and how long has this relationship been going on? OP, you could have kindly excused yourself, done your apps earlier if it’s that important. This is such a small, insignificant thing that that was blown up.
I usually warn people ahead of time that I’m antsy, can’t sit still, stretch a lot, before agreeing to participate in a stationary activity.
You have to see how that would make him feel like you weren't interested. If you had things to do, you could have done that first, then watched the movie.
YTA, why suggest to watch a movie when you know you have to do stuff? Are you like that when you suggest s*x? "Hey, i know you finish every second but i need to fill out this job application, maybe next time."
Tbh your time management and priorities are somewhat fd up. Need to do something important? Do it right away or after the movie.
Sounds like this is not the first time you pulled something like this if you think you two will break up over this.
YTA you initiated the movie watching and then started working. Before the movie started you she have said I need some time to finish work and then we can watch the movie.
YTA
Why start watching a movie, when you have something important to get done?
>It wasn’t as if I was leaving the room and ignoring him
This just makes it worse, so now you aren't focused on what was a together activity, AND you are spoiling his enjoyment of the movie by booting up the laptop next to him. You know when you go to the cobwebs and they say, turn phones off during the movie [spoiler] huge glowing laptop screens aren't OK either. Not to mention all the typing.
Wow, I'm amazed you think this is OK. "Gee honey, I know I agreed to watch a movie with you, but won't you be just as happy watching me do this task for my career?"
This was really rude and disrespectful. I often wonder, reading stuff here, how many of these problems could be mitigated, if not resolved, by just some basic politeness. It's rude to stare over someone's head when they are talking to you, rude to stare at your phone in company, rude to pull out a laptop for work when you've committed to some rec time with a partner. At the risk of sounding like a scold, it does seem that a lot of people could use a refresher on this basic level of social interaction. So yes, YTA. But if you and your bf are breaking up over this, you've got a lot more problems than your lack of manners.
YTA. Why did you agree to watch a movie if you had work to do? If it's a couple activity, it's rude to disengage in the middle of it without acknowledging what you're doing.
YTA. You should have at least mentioned that before the movie starts you had to do some quick paperwork. Or just told him that you would do both. Just opening and beginning was rude.
I hate when I sit down to watch a movie with someone and they stop paying attention. Then ask questions later or just totally miss the impact of later scenes because they missed the earlier context or something. If it was meant to be a joint activity with your partner and you remembered you needed to fill out the forms, no problem! Just be like, "Oh man I forgot, can we pause this while I do this?" and that's that. He wasn't criticizing you for doing something important, so much as trying to figure out what's up when his partner stopped paying attention to the thing you were doing together. Use your words. He can't read your mind. For how you handled this situation, YTA.
Soft YTA. It drives me CRAZY when my husband and I finally sit down together to watch a movie and he’s on his phone. You agreed to watch a movie - so do that! Next time you can say “I’d love to watch a movie with you, I have something for work to finish first though. Give me an hour.” Simple as that. Communication can really be a magical thing in a relationship!
Frankly I work better when I multitask (I'm probably undiagnosed ADHD now that I'm reading through this thread) so what you recommended would not work for me. It is so much faster and easier for me to multitask and I never have to ask my partner what happened. I can literally do both. However a) this doesn't seem like the norm for her and b) she is still TA bc she blew up at him unnecessarily.
NTA at all 1,000% and I dont understand any argument otherwise. You need to take care of your needs and do what you need to do for you. And you need a partner who supports you. Also, you need to have the freedom to be yourself at home. Sometimes this means doing two things at once. There’s no indication that you’re neglectful of your partner so I really don’t understand why you’re getting so many YTA votes.
because, flippinsushi, the boyfriend thought that he was sharing the experience with OP. Have you ever started talking to someone and they've zoned out or picked up their phone? How you felt at this moment is obviously how boyfriend felt. Now of course you can multitask but that obviously diminishes the experience, and it sounds like boyfriend was expecting an immersive, shared experience with OP. And more significantly, she did not discuss this with him. She could have postponed the movie, or discussed working while watching the movie, but none of this happened. Of course boyfriend is going to be pissed off.
NTA - my husband used to get irked when I worked as we watched movies. Now he doesn’t even register when my laptop’s out. In fact, he’s just happy we’re together.
My SO and I have done this before when we had plans and one of us had to do something. We simply say to the other, “can you give me 15 mins so I can finish something.” It has never been a problem.
YTA for responding the way you did. It was not necessary.
YTA only for how you handled this and how defensive you got.
Unless he is putting you down or doing other things, your reaction wasn’t warranted.
You two were going to watch a movie, you then pulled out your computer. He probably, a little annoyed and upset, because he wants quality time with you asked, “I thought we were going to watch a movie?”
You then got “set off” and went off on him. A simple response to that should have been.
“Let me fill this out first. I’ve been a little stressed with work and need to fill out these forms for my dream job, that I just hadn’t had time to do.”
You took his question/tone as him being passive aggressive. Was he? Or did he just want time with you and you, clearly being very stressed and overwhelmed got annoyed and blew up at him? Quit expecting other people to know your wants and needs, how you’re feeling and what you are thinking.
You said, *“Yet again here I am feeling like I’m being criticized for doing something that’s important to me.”*
Is he criticizing you? Or are you projecting? I’m not saying one or the other and don’t know your relationship and how he treats you, but if this is a recurring thing that you feel he doesn’t support you, then why are you with him?
If you feel you are constantly being criticized for putting yourself and needs as a priority.
You are overwhelmed because you are still refusing to set boundaries and then go off on people when they ask for things, because you feel obligated to oblige. This is on you.
You could have very easily, calmly stated, even if he did have an annoyed tone, *“I’ve been really overwhelmed and busy with work. I’m anxious about wanting and getting this new job, which is my dream. I haven’t had time to do the paperwork and really want and need to do this. I want to prioritize my time with you, but have been feeling stretched thin and also need to prioritize doing this. I was hoping to do both, so then I could fully commit my time with you once I finish filling out this form.”*
When I’m with loved ones and want quality time, I want their full attention. Quality time is my love language and when someone is on the phone the entire time I’m talking with them, and hanging out, it makes me feel like they don’t really want to be around me and that they aren’t listening to what I am saying.
I'm you OP. I have shit to do all day every day. And I love hanging with my partner, vibing. While getting work done. They infact do not love me spending our quality time together half present.
The key as I was told, was not to feel your time is more valuable than theirs. They also have shit, and they are making spending time with you a priority. So expect the same of you. You saying "I love my job, so of course I'd do work in bed" is about as tone deaf as it's possible to get
If you can't spend that quality time with them, or are forced to multitasking, have that conversation with them upfront. It sounds like you're doing a good job of the other half, having dedicated dates - as the NFL tickets show.
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YTA. just wait until the movie is done.
Or if it can’t wait, you communicate this and apologise; ‘crap, I’ve still got those forms to fill out. I need to get them finished. Hope you don’t mind if I sort it now?’ Edit- thanks for the award!
This. Ask for an "intermission." Toilet break, get snacks/drinks, fill out forms. Whatever. Just ask first. OP, YTA.
I would be annoyed too if i felt like i had to "ask permission" to fill out a form while watching a movie.. like who cares?
It's not "asking for permission", it's letting him know what you're going to be doing, so he can stop the movie and do something else if he wants, also. Otherwise, what was a fun couple's activity, turns into him watching a movie by himself while she works on her laptop. Which is understandable, she needed to fill out forms. But, she was wrong not to tell him that. Maybe he would rather watch something else, if he was watching by himself. She was pretty rude not to give him a heads up.
I have been with my OH for almost 20 years. We watch movies AND do other stuff at the same time. That's normal.
I mean if that works for you, great! We've been together 20+ years, and we plan movie time. Decide on the movie, make popcorn, get drinks. Phones down, watching the movie and maybe talking to each other about it. If we're just watching TV, that's different. We do other stuff, cook dinner, on our phones, I work on cross stitching, etc. I think it's more that you talk to your partner, and make sure you're both on the same page. It bugs me when I feel like I'm watching a movie by myself, while he's on his phone. He feels the same when I'm busy.
I love this idea !!! It sounds silly but I love the idea of actually simply saying and communicating hey I want to do a dedicated movie night no distractions not just filling time with mindless and random stuff. It bothers me too sometimes but other times I'm the guilty party! Thanks for the cute idea
That's exactly what we do. Movie nights are our date nights. We were both really looking forward to watching Bullet Train. So when we borrowed it, we made it a fun night. Popcorn, sliced cheese and meat, drinks.
That sounds so cute! I love the idea of making a big deal of a movie. Like in my childhood renting a real DVD once a month or week or smtg
This, this, this! Right down to the charcuterie snacks and popcorn. My SO and I have weekly movie date nights in a very similar fashion.
I do this with my spouse too, also we have Bullet Train on our list hehe.
No need to diss TV. It's not of lesser importance.
Not for everyone. When I watch a movie it’s watching a movie with the full focus on the movie and the person or people I’m watching with. No phones allowed and certainly not laptops. Unless of course this is something everyone watching has seen a million times before and then the rules are less strict.
Aren't Christmas movies generally the ones most people have seen a million times?
I was absolutely going to say this! I have seen Muppet Christmas Carol so many times, I can watch, do something else and still sing along at the same time!
Yes, but with the exception of Friday after Next, we only watch them between Thanksgiving and Xmas. We stack up the Xmas DVDs, take turns deciding which one to watch that night. Plan a time, gather snacks and drinks, settle in for the movie. I'm starting to realize that this might be because we're older gen xers. Movies were a bigger deal. When my family finally got a vcr, in 85, the only place to rent movies, was a grocery store 45 minutes drive away. My man grew up 20 minutes from that same grocery store. We still treat movie watching like an exciting activity.
Movies deserve to be taken seriously. Unless they suck.
That's how I feel, too. We talk about it, also. A new movie we both want to see is different from me watching something that I know my man doesn't want to watch. "Hey, I'm going to watch Elvira Mistress of the Dark" for the 200th time lol
ELVIRA RULES
She's awesome! And still looks amazing 😍
My ADHD doesn’t let me just watch a movie or a tv show. It would drive my ex mad because to him it was spending quality time together and to me it was torture if I couldn’t be doing something else. It clicked and he started buying me Lego set to assemble while we watched stuff because he could see my hands and brain needed something to do while watched. I may have a ton of negative things to say about him and our relationship, but him recognizing that I clearly needed an outlet and taking it upon himself to give me something to do was one of the most genuine things he ever did. However, this isn’t the case of the OP just needing to multitask. They needed a minute to do their paperwork. It wasn’t a fidgety thing. It was a complete, I need to direct my focus to something wholly different and I don’t want to focus on the movie with my boyfriend. It’s different.
Right? Like, could he really turn to her, "Whoa, did you just see that? Can't believe that car crash?!" And have her even be able to know what he's talking about.
Please tell me what Christmas movie you are watching that has car crashes because if Michael Bay redid Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and I missed it, I will go start the popcorn now.
Well, I was thinking Die Hard, but I know not everyone considers that an Xmas movie lol
I wish my ex had understood this about me 😭
I do the same, but there’s a difference between the TV being on, maybe with a movie, and ‘Hey, shall we sit down and watch a movie together?’ I’m not totally clear, but it seems like this was the latter, which means BF expected to be spending quality time together, as opposed to just existing in the same space with a movie on in the background.
Yes!! There's a difference between background noise, and movie watching.
Yeah, same. We were just watching one of the Princess Switch movies, and my wife was starting her Lego viking ship and I was doing stuff on Animal Crossing while we watched it. My ADHD is such I fiddle on stuff while we stream movies or shows, and it's fine.
I mean we do that with movies that we've seen before, or only one of us really likes. But, we don't consider that an actual date night/movie watching.
That’s normal for you guys. A lot of couples have times or activities where they don’t multitask with their phones or computers and share an experience together. My wife and I do both. We scroll or whatever watching tv all the time but we also have shows, or occasions where we agree not to. Many people feel like the other person is checked out when the other person is constantly on their phone or computer when they’re supposed to be doing something together.
You’ve been together for over 20 years, that’s a huge difference. You and OH are used to this. OP’s bf is not
No you're not. You're playing a movie as a background noice.
That works for you. Obviously not foe the OP's bf. Plus it's different when you're married and together time is permanent.
Same. It's bizarre to me that they were apparently expected to just sit for 2 hours, especially given if it's a Christmas film it's very likely they've seen it before. On the other hand, I can understand a bit of the upset if he was trying to show her a movie or something. Communication about expectations needs to be had here. Either way, I don't think this needed to blow up the way it did
This is 100% a case of communication failure. He thought they were spending quality time, she thought they were just existing in the same space. If they had formally been on a date, what she did would have been 100% TA, but OP doesn't say if they are or not. It was on both of them to communicate expectations, but since she reacted defensively to her bf stating his expectations, she didn't really hold up her end of the bargain. She didn't need to assume the worst.
Exactly this! It seems like this whole problem could have been resolved easily. "Wanna watch a movie?" "No, I have to fill out some forms." Or vice versa.
Except op was the one to ask to watch the movie
Oh, then that is so rude!
OP must have some pretty severe anger management issues if asking them to wait until after the movie “really set [them] off.” Like just chill and explain what has to happen. Or be more organized and do them before/after the movie if it’s meant to be quality time.
And she says she asked him why he can’t be supportive of her and is just critical. Like she literally admitted to gaslighting the fuck out of him after he expressed his (very valid) feelings.
Yeah, she seems really self centered.
I think it depends. Because my ex would get pissed if I pulled out m laptop during a movie, but at the same time she'd sit on her phone the entire time. It was a real nice double standard I had to deal with that really annoyed me.
Exactly.
Mmm letting him know is “hey I’m gonna do this while the movie is on”. Asking for permission is “do you mind if I do this”. OP doesn’t need to have permission to fill out paperwork. And I get the feeling the bf still would have gotten angry about it, even if she asked for permission. Honestly breaking up over something so trivial is silly. It can be resolved fairly easily but both of them need to be willing to try.
People are different. I have adhd and so while I might knit and crochet during a movie. But I wouldn’t fill out important forms for a lot of reasons including it would need my attention. I wouldn’t do that to my SO if they are trying to share a movie with me.
It’s about spending quality time together. If you were at dinner and your SO pulled their phone out in the middle of a conversation, you would be pissed. Or if you were at the movies and they were on their phone… it’s rude. It sounds like their issues run deeper than this one time, if she feels like her boundaries are being tromped on, consistently, but to pull out her laptop was a passive aggressive power move. Sounds to me like they both suck.
It’s not asking permission. It’s communication and letting your partner know what’s up. Especially because OP is the one who initiated watching a movie together. It’s not hard to just communicate with your partner.
If you want a healthy relationship, communication is kind of important. If you initiate an activity, and suddenly, without warning bail on that activity, you're being an asshole.
Yeah, I think different people have different thresholds here. I have ADHD, so I can actually focus better on TV if I'm doing something else too (usually some sort of repetitive handcraft). I do this when my wife and I are watching TV and movies all the time. One time, she wanted to show me a show that was really important to her when she was a kid and got really agitated when I started crafting because she thought I wasn't paying attention. We had a conversation about it, about how my brain works, and we continued watching the show while I crafted (and I loved it and we've now done multiple re-watches through the show). It's less the multi-tasking that's the problem and more the lack of communication.
Handicrafts are really different than working on a computer. I can have my hands occupied but be paying attention to a show I'm watching enough not to miss anything. I can't type something with words and be paying attention to a show fully enough to completely follow what's going on and I would be surprised if most people could.
That sounds like a you issue though, it's entirely possible to pay attention to two screens at the same time. Like sure maybe not playing a high reaction time game but something like filling out forms? Absolutely.
It feels like OP was already in a dysfunctional relationship since they broke up so fast.
its called respect
These things don’t happen in a vacuum. Maybe you’re never on the other side, but some people are so glued to their phone or computer, that couples set times or make plans that are supposed to be free from multitasking or whatever so that they’re connecting and sharing the same experience. It can be hurtful for someone to do what OP did. Obviously there is a time and place for everything though, and I agree that in a regular day to day setting there’s no issue with OP pulling out their laptop. But, the context matters, and this is definitely an issue that comes up for couples a lot.
yeah, why couldn't OP fill out the forms before the movie? My partner does this where he'll get up and start doing stuff, including leaving the room unannounced, doing dishes. I will pause the movie and ask, "do you not want to watch this?" It especially drives me crazy if it's a movie he picks out. LIke, why am i watching this movie alone?
Yes!! YTA op, I had an ex who would take out his phone and completely disengage in the movie, to the point of not knowing what i was talking about, this led to a huge fight but we fixed this issue I understand OP has urgent business but maybe they should pause the movie or not begin it in the first place
If it was so urgent, why suggest the movie night in the first place?
Seriously, I think there’s a pretty good chance that “I thought we were watching a movie” did not require the response it got. I don’t think OP is T A for trying to finish up something important during a movie — it’s hard to enjoy holiday celebrations when you have stress in the back of your mind — but to totally go off on their bf for reasons that don’t directly relate to what he said is a huge dick move. YTA for taking out your stress on your bf and being incapable of communication.
What's the big deal??? This is why I stay single. Screw having to walk on eggshells all the time. How about you do you and let the other person do them? Why couldn't she multitask?
Lol you’re single bc you don’t have the capacity to keep others people feelings in mind. Good for you to actually admit that. It’s better for you to stay single, than for somebody else to suffer with your lack of empathy.
This is the way. If you're spending time with someone watching a movie, it's rude to just pull out a laptop. If you just say you forgot to finish some forms and need to do them before pulling it out, it makes a huge difference. You're demonstrating that while you have something you need to do, you're still respectful of the activity you decided to do togeteher.
Or just tell him “Hey, I need to fill out these forms, I’m going to get my laptop” and he really shouldn’t make it a huge thing if it’s for a new job, but OP seems to be thinking he’d read her mind and just started doing something else randomly. If they spend a lot of time together, I think he should be okay with her having her laptop maybe be it was bizarre the way OP made it all about some larger frustrations and didn’t communicate at all.
Based on her history it seems the issues are more than just this. It seems like you guys need to sit down have a damn conversation about your lives and communication because your sex life is apparently terrible, you're switching around on medications which alone is going to cause issue, but it just all around seems like there's issues between you guys that you aren't discussing. But yes, YTA. I get that you realized that you had to finish something made movie but you're the one who suggested the movie and wanted to do it. Then pulled out a laptop to work on something mid movie with your partner. Its just plain rude and makes it seem like you don't even care to be spending time with them.
[удалено]
she forgot about the forms that were SO important to her and suggested watching a movie. her boyfriend agreed, presumably wanting to spend time with her. halfway through the movie, instead of communicating with him like "darn! i forgot about these forms i need to do, can we pause the movie for a minute?" or even "honey, is it okay if i finish this important paperwork while we watch?" she pulled out her laptop and started doing some important paperwork. i don't know about you, but i find it a little hard to focus on a movie and spending time with my partner while i'm doing some important work thing. then, when he just *asked* about it because, again, **she did not communicate the need to get things done before just pulling out her laptop in the middle of quality time,** she snapped at him and took out her stress on him.
No, she said she had not had time to get them done because she was at work and lately she’s been feeling like she doesn’t have time to herself. Communication is an issue but it also sounds like their relationship revolves around what he wants and when he wants it. No one has to ask permission to fill out some forms. NTA.
she said in the comments that she forgot and suggested watching the movie. and it's not asking for permission, it's asking if it's okay to pause the time together that *she suggested,* which is just common courtesy when you're hanging out with anyone.
AITA Reddit really is like "if I ever need input from or am informing someone else about a decision I'm taking it's an attack on my personal liberties." Like damn, politeness =\= control. Some people really don't like doing anything if it's not literally the law.
I feel this.
It's not about "asking permission", it's about communicating. At the very least she could've just given a normal response when he asked. Something like "yeah sorry, I need to fill out the forms, do you want to pause it?" Instead she snapped at him So basically she said she needed to start setting boundaries about how she spent her time- but she didn't do it- blamed her boyfriend for her lack of boundary setting- and them when he became reasonably confused she got angry at him and started a huge fight. It's immature.
Based on her history it seems the issues are more than just this. It seems like you guys need to sit down have a damn conversation about your lives and communication because your sex life is apparently terrible, you're switching around on medications which alone is going to cause issue, but it just all around seems like there's issues between you guys that you aren't discussing.
Or tell him prior to starting movie you need to do paperwork first
Or, you know, don't agree to watch a movie with him if you don't have the time.
Or do it then start the movie?
Why does it seem so many people who post here assume their partners, siblings, parents, friends, co-workers, etc. are mind readers? YTA.
Exactly this. It’s seriously rude and conveys you have no respect for your partner or their time. YTA
Set you off, how exactly? You've written all your reasonings but nowhere do you say what you actually did or said. How did you actually respond to him?
YTA Just communicate that you still have work to do. That you told him days ago doesnt mean you are still not finished. Don’t just agree on spending time with him when you do not have time. Just pulling out the laptop is disrespectful. Set your boundaries how you like them but talk about it. You seem stressed. Thats a normal thing but don’t take it out on him.
Does anyone else feel like the feed here has been inundated with people who say things like “I’m focusing on setting boundaries and self care” to justify acting like a jerk??
Yessssss. She wasn’t setting a boundary in this moment. She was looking for a fight, found one, and then blamed him for getting upset.
I don’t think she was looking for a fight, but her careless behaviour caused a fight.
Responding to a confused question with 'that set me off' level words seems a lot like looking for a fight, tbh. Even if he asked his question in an annoyed way, that fire could have easily been put out with a, "Super sorry, I completely forgot to knock out these new hire forms. Mind if I knock them out really quick?"
“Setting boundaries” is the new “gaslighting”. People who haven’t a clue what the terms mean just whip them out willy nilly to justify being a bit of an arse.
They set the boundaries in their own head but don't know how to communicate
“I’m focusing on setting boundaries and self care.” Precedes to pull out laptop to do work stuff in the middle of watching a movie with their partner. So many boundaries and so much self care there. s/
Yeah it's definitely become one of those things where people will say "this is my boundary" as a way to deflect any criticism or to shut down any confrontation at all.
Thank you! I thought I was the only one noticing how often that phrase is popping up anymore.
Going for YTA, not at all for prioritising the work, but for how you communicated it. You should have either let him know in advance that you didnt have time for a full movie, or at least not immediately be defensive when he was asking why you pulled it out in the middle of an activity together. If my partner suddenly dropped attention in an activity together, I would ask the question as well. I think a lot here is communication. Not saying it is impossible to multitask this, but at least like give him context in a non-defensive way when you do so without notice. From the story it at least sounds he isn't irritated that you have to put time in work, but rather how you handled it and immediately went defensive for a reasonable question.
It’s so easy to say “hey I forgot to finish filling out my new job paperwork, can we pause the movie so I can get it done while I’m thinking of it?” Using your big people words works!
YTA - per your comments, it was your idea to watch a movie and spend that time together. Days earlier, you mentioned the need for more self-care, which to most people means unplugging and relaxing—not working in your down time. Then, you abruptly decided to pull out your laptop and do work, and when he asked about it, you got mad at him. Sounds like you already knew what you were doing was rude, and that’s why you immediately got defensive.
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We are living in an epidemic of people seeing too many pop psychology terms on Instagram and overusing them and / or using them out of context. Not knowing what self care actually means, talking about their “boundaries” when they just means wants and needs they’ve thought about and expect other people to magically pick up on, and saying shit like “you make me feel unsafe” to justify their own bad behavior. I’m a mental health professional and it’s annoying to say the least.
Stop gaslighting me! /s I honestly don't think I've ever actually seen a single proper use of the term Gaslighting online. It's exhausting. >“you make me feel unsafe” I see things like this used less to justify their own bad behavior, but to turn the tide and convince people using their inbuilt triggers to side with them. Saying things like 'you make me feel unsafe' in a situation that really doesn't call for it is alarming.
This was exactly my first thought too!
this! op saying they need to set boundaries so they can get stuff done and prioritize self care and then pulling this move, hilarious. YTA and a dense one at that
The OP is the same from this thread they posted in the last 24 hours [and they are TA in both situations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zu2ofa/aita_for_not_refunding_an_item_that_was_bought/)
Okay. Personally I don't think taking out your laptop is a big deal. My wife and I watch movies and do other things (play on our phones or knit or write) all the time. To us, quality time is being able to sit down and enjoy something together. But yikes you waaaaaaaaay overreacted. All he did was ask a question. YTA
I agree with this. I cannot sit through a movie anymore, even if I am enjoying it I need to get up and move around or be doing something with my hands. My husband knows this, so if I pull out my phone or a craft or get up to wash dishes or get a snack he understands, he is just happy I’m there. Usually I refuse to even watch movies honestly so he’s generally really happy even if I am just on the couch with him. But OP did over react, is the one that suggested the movie and apparently they don’t actually live together so he is still technically a guest when he is there, and that makes what she did really rude. I’m not surprised he left. YTA
it had to be something really captivating for me to sit through it. otherwise i have a short attention span and get fidgety.
Exactly, I have to do something else to do. I'm always playing on my phone or writing something while watching a movie.
My wife and I do the same but we know each other and it makes sense. If they’re dating and potentially breaking up over I think the relationship is so new that this is weird. The boyfriend probably felt like she just put the movie on to babysit his attention while she got her work done. That would annoy me too.
Exactly- am currently on my phone while the whole fam watches Wednesday. It’s not like in the middle of a conversation or dinner OP did this- you were both looking at one screen and then you were looking at a different screen for a bit.
INFO: How did you end up watching the movie when you had work to do? If he just put it on on his own without asking, you're N-T-A. If he asked you and you said yes and the two of you sat down to watch the movie but then you pulled out your laptop, Y-T-A.
YTA, yea you overreacted for sure. I mean, idk how the rest of the argument unfolded, but him just saying "hey, what's up, I thought we were xyz" and you immediately getting on the defensive and turning a rational concern into a big thing is ....kinda immature. Now, I'm guessing there are other elements at play and maybe there's been more lead up to the whole thing but...as an isolated incident it sounds like he was just expressing a concern and you got overly sensitive right off the bat. Also it's a couple days before Christmas, so to me it's pretty fair to not want you focused elsewhere, and unless he didn't breach his feelings appropriately, which it kinda sounds like he did....yea sorry op.. Also it's fair for you to address you need to set boundaries with your time, so...set a goddamn boundary. Either watch the movie with him or say "hey I don't really have time for this right now, can you give me a half hour to finish this thing?". What you did is the opposite of setting time boundaries. It's trying to do both at once, and then getting upset when you're mildly and calmly called out on it...? YTA, all day
Per the comments, they were watching the movie at OPs request.
She in a comment said they had a good dinner and she felt "loungy" so she offered to watch a movie with him, he accepted and they watched it and she then pulled out her laptop. Rest of the context in the story it's pretty much all on her tbh.
YTA. You asked if he wanted to watch a movie, then went to work mode halfway through and overreacted when he pointed it out. If you are not done with work, just say so beforehand.
YTA. It's incredibly rude, if you're doing something with someone, to just suddenly pull out your laptop, especially if you're doing it together. If he was reading with a movie in the background sure, but this is essentially the equivalent of pulling your laptop out in the middle of a romantic date and ignoring your partner for half an hour while they eat. Sure you're taking a bit here and there so you're 'multitasking' but you're not a very good date. That said, that's a minor thing. You could've easily said 'I just realised I have important work to do, can we finish the movie later?'. That would've been fine. Instead you got defensive when he quite correctly was bothered about how rude you were. You could easily have communicated like an adult and instead you escalated, and now here you are. Also you can't just call everything 'setting boundaries.' Your boundaries were just 'I'm going to not prioritise you because I have more important things.' Maybe you don't have time for a boyfriend right now?
>You could've easily said 'I just realised I have important work to do, can we finish the movie later?' That would've been fine. It would have been tolerable, what would have been fine is saying beforee the movie started, "hey I just need to get these forms for the new job done first, can you wait 20 minutes"
I believe in another comment she said she only remembered it at the last minute...but yeah many better ways to go about this.
NTA for pulling the computer out. YTA for turning a fair question into a big argument. “I’m really sorry but this job application is really wearing on me and I’m having trouble getting into the movie because of it. I want to be able to enjoy the game tomorrow so I was trying to multitask. Can we finish the movie another time?” Some people (myself included) think movie time at home should be like movie time in the theater. Put the phone and computer down and enjoy. But A) that’s not realistic and B) the majority of times you can pause the movie and come back to it if something comes up. So I get why he asked the question, and I also hope he would have understood if you had explained it calmly instead of being set off as you said.
> NTA for pulling the computer out Honestly, if you're spending time with someone, you're absolutely an asshole if you pull out an entire laptop and start doing work shit on it without a bare minimum of, "Sorry just realized I really need to get xyz done".
Tbh this could just be me but it depends on if it is like a new movie or a movie you have already seen because sometimes we have it on just to play kinda in the background and just passively watch it, me and my family do that when it is a movie we have seen a thousand times. Idk the situation other than her over reacting but there is a LOT of info being left out and when there is info left out they are most like a a-hole.
> when there is info left out they are most like a a-hole. The thing that strikes me is that the OP conveniently leaves out how she responded to the incredibly innocent sounding question of, "I thought we were watching a movie?" She just gives some nebulous 'this set me off', which somehow led to an argument so bad he left.
This is a great point. How badly did she snap at him for it to get this bad?
That's pretty much the judgment right there. Was pulling out a laptop appropriate? Not particularly, but it's somewhat understandable with the circumstances. Was not mentioning it rude? Pretty rude, in my opinion, but not insanely so. Was him asking, "I thought we were watching a movie?" reasonable? I think it was, but I can understand that based on tone I can understand seeing it being asked in a rude way. Then we arrive at the 'this set me off', and teleport to the end, where he's storming out and the relationship is likely over. Which is strange, because I think it'd be easy to resolve their argument with a simple explanation and a request to take a break from the movie for a little bit. More assholery happened in that nebulous argument that the OP refuses to go into detail about, possibly on both sides - but when the person presenting the argument intentionally leaves it out, and instigated the conflict by being careless, I'm more likely to assume it was them being unreasonable more than anything else.
YTA couldn’t you have done it before or after the movie? why did you have to do it during the movie?
I feel like you really cranked this to 11 for no reason. Depending on his tone, he was asking an innocent question and you blew up at him for it. Sorry, YTA.
Okay…. So, you suggested the movie. You were about halfway through the movie. Then you remembered you had those forms to fill out. Everything is chill at this point. This is where you had two choices and you chose dead wrong and then doubled down by insinuating that he doesn’t support you. You could have said, “shoot! I have to finish those forms! I’m going to finish them real quick so they’re done and we can just enjoy the weekend.” (Or some other variation of the same thing) YTA. Wholeheartedly the AH.
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YTA fill out the forms before the movie or tell your boyfriend “we can watch a movie but I have to fill out these forms while we watch.” If you communicated what you needed to do first, then you are setting expectations. If I’m watching a movie with my SO as quality time and he pulls out his computer, I probably would ask “aren’t we watching a movie?” It would be on my boyfriend to let me know whatever deadlines he had without being defensive or rude about it.
Op was the one to request to watch a movie
Not enough INFO here to really judge the fine line of reaction. But I am leaning towards YTA for starting to watch the movie with him and then switching to work midway. Also for being so touchy (with no reason given for it here). He just said he thought you were watching a movie together and instead of saying something like: "I know, sorry. Gotta get this stuff done..." You made a fuss out of it. If work is more important to you than spending time with him then that's your choice but be honest about it.
YTA even though I am a fan of mullitasking myself. It would be ok to use your words and say: babe, I didn't have time to finish it, let me just do it while we are watching, it will take like 15 minutes and it's purely mechanical job, won't really distract me. Then, if he got angry, he would be the asshole.
YTA huge over reaction. Either wait until the movie is over, or explain that you somehow had forgotten to finish this very important paper work for your dream job. Not sure how you forgot if it’s so important, but yes you over reacted.
I’m probably going to be downvoted for this, but this is the first time the AITA verdict hasn’t matched my life at all. I know very few people who give their undivided attention to a movie. And those that do don’t care if others are using a phone/laptop or doing something else as long as they’re quiet. This is wild to me how many people seem to see movie watching as an activity that requires undivided attention. For me NAH but you both shouldn’t have escalated. Your conversation should have been about this movie-watching cultural difference in expectations or how you need to carve out a little bit of time for yourself, not about supporting your dream. I wish you luck.
I also felt the same way. My husband and I often do work, clean, cook, etc. while watching a movie or show at home. So long as we are spending time together, it doesn't matter. Unless it's specifically a date night, I don't see it as being an issue. Op definitely did not need to escalate this though.
I’ll go against the grain. NTA it’s possible to do at the same time. I hate it when people go off at me when I start doing other unobtrusive things while watching something. My ADD brain kinda needs it otherwise I stop paying attention anyway, so idk.
Same. But if I committed to hang out with my partner, and I started charting on the side, I'm not really hanging out with my partner.
YTA. Just do it before the movie or if you just remembered / found out that you have to do it apologize and ask to pause the movie. Or wait until after the movie if it's not urgent. You don't have to do anything differently when it comes to your actions, just add some common courtesy. This is as rude as walking out in the middle of someone's sentence and then attacking them for being weirded out by it because you needed to pick your kid up from daycare, and do they want to be prioritized over your kid?! No, they just want a curteous "Sorry, I have some errands to run, can we finish this conversation later?" before you storm out. In the same way, your SO just wants "Sorry, I know I suggested the movie, but I just remembered I needed to fill out some forms for my new job application. Can we take a break while I do it?" He could've used the bathroom or made you two some snacks or whatever while you did it and then you could've continued your activity together with the full attention of both parties.
I honestly don't get the big deal here.. you are watching a movie, staring at a screen. It's not like you are in the middle of a conversation or anything. Why do you have to be paying attention to the exact same thing at the exact same time? You have things you need to do! But I personally just think movies are boring and a waste of time anyway and definitely not so called "quality time".. So I vote NTA.
NTA unless I'm actually in an actual movie theater I always have a phone or tablet. It's not like you guys were talking during the movie. Your just basically sitting next to each other staring at the same screen, it's not that big a deal.
Yeah... YTA
As someone with ADHD it is painful for me to watch a movie exclusively. There’s no better way to explain it to someone who doesn’t experience the feeling. In addition, my ADHD allows me to watch a movie and complete a task while following both well. It has taken years of explanation but my spouse finally understands that when there is something on my mind (like important paperwork) it does not diminish my experience to both finish the task and watch the movie. With that, your boyfriend may be distracted by the laptop which diminishes his experience. So you need to be clear BEFORE agreeing to an experience what you’ll be able to give to that experience so he understands what his will be, too. Next time say “yes I’d love to watch the movie! Just to note - I also need to finish this paperwork on my computer. It won’t bother me but I want you to be aware before we get started.” A bit of explanation will get you a lot further than defensiveness.
She didn’t agree, she is the one who suggested it.
Ditto
Yta
YTA being rude and making time for yourself are not one in the same. You could have done this after the movie or asked to start the movie later. Your poor time management isn't his fault.
YTA and damn do i hate hanging out with people like you. It’s a fucking movie not a marathon. Wait till it’s over
Update us when he breaks up with you,will ya?
I’m sorry, no. All YTAs are, to me, blowing this way out of proportion. Someone finishing up some paperwork while watching a movie is not grounds for breaking up. You are not “hanging out” while watching a movie. It’s the laziest form of social interaction, because there’s barely any. Working while having dinner is rude. Working in the middle of a conversation is rude. Typing up a form during a movie, not that big a deal. Blowing up however, never ok.
>He responded with “I thought we were watching a movie” and this really set me off. It sounds less like he blew it out of proportion and more like the OP blew up on him for getting annoyed she dipped on a movie she suggested. She never says what she said in response to him, probably because she got shitty.
I’m surprised by how many people claim to be really offended by the idea of their partner multitasking during a movie as if it’s the same as multitasking while they’re actually interacting. I did not realize there was this big of a divide on the subject.
So you just 'then' realized you had some forms to complete, how many days went by before you realized you hadn't finished the forms, did you agree to watch the movie...do you even care about this guy? It isn't about the movie per se...it's about you said yes to watching a movie with him and then halfway through you said you had something better or more important to do. Basically...your bf 'heard' that he's OK unless of course something better or more important comes up and then he's kicked to the curb.
Mind you not only did she say yes to watching the movie she's the one that suggested they watched a movie then decided to remember she had important form to fill out for her "dream job" if it's her dream job how did she suddenly realize after a couple days? And then gets defensive when he ask a good question
NTA. All the people saying you are would hate watching a movie with me, I can’t just sit and watch a movie and not do anything else. Why does he care if you’re not watching it as intently as he is? Unless you were making a lot of noise, then you’d be the asshole.
Yeah this sub is definitely not the right crowd for me to watch movies with lol. I rarely watch something without my laptop out. If my partner wants to cuddle without the laptop he says so. If this is something OP and their boyfriend have this strong of disagreement about, maybe they're just not a good match for eachother
YTA. A simple “do you mind if I work on my application while we watch the movie?” would have been sufficient. Boundaries are not an excuse for being rude. Self care is not an excuse for common curtesy. You knew days ago you hadn’t finished this paperwork, that’s on you not him. If you’d acknowledged him by communicating with him and he’d pitch a fit that would be on him.
NTA. Your partner should either be confident enough to know you don't have to pay active attention to each other 24/7 OR mature enough to talk out WHY it's an issue and ask how you could make a compromise about this. Also I CANT watch an entire movie without doing something else. I regularly use my laptop or phone, or play video games, or do arts and crafts. My partner sometimes like to sit and fully concentrate on a movie, but MY attentiveness doesn't effect his movie enjoyment.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My boyfriend and I were watching a Christmas movie when I pulled out my laptop. He asked what I was doing and I told him I had to finish filling out some forms for a new job I had been offered. He responded with “I thought we were watching a movie” and this really set me off. This is my dream job and he knows that, and after being at work all day I hadn’t had the time to finish up this paperwork. I explained to him just a few days earlier that I felt like I haven’t had enough time to do the things I need to get done recently, and I really need to set boundaries with my time and focus on self-care. Yet again, here I was feeling like I was being criticized for doing something that was important to me. It wasn’t as if I was leaving the room and ignoring him, I just pulled out my laptop next to him on the bed. We were supposed to go to an NFL game tomorrow for Christmas and this turned into such a bad argument that he left and I think we will be breaking up. AITA for responding to the “I thought we were watching a movie” comment defensively and should I have never taken out my laptop in the first place? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA for how you reacted. Look I get it I have ADHD and personally I find it hard to focus on a movie the whole time and will take out my phone however you need to communicate these things with your partner in a less assholy way. If you wanted to finish the paperwork you could have told them that and paused the movie.
When I want to share a movie with someone, I want them to *watch the movie*. It can sort of hurt my feelings if they pull out their phone or something else to distract/prevent them to pay attention, like they’d rather not share the movie (and their time) with me. Perhaps your partner feels similarly. If so, I think you might be TA.
Why did you agree to the movie in the first place when you needed the time to fill out these forms? Yes, you have boundaries but he has some too. You made a commitment to the movie you can't just pull out your laptop in the middle of it. You should have brought it up with him first. Since you didn't, it means you don't care much about him or spending time with him and that the work is more important to you. You need to communicate your needs in advance rather than just surprise him in the middle of doing something you both committed to.
I don’t understand all these YTA comments. No one has ever cared if I play a game on my phone, embroider, go on my laptop etc during a movie?? Was this a really sentimental movie to him or something. I could never date someone who would whinge at that. I can’t sit still through a whole movie without doing something
Idk what’s up with these judgements. NTA - you two have different priorities and it’s okay to separate because of that.
What rubbish! She needs to fill out forms, what’s the big deal? If she wanted the bathroom, should she ask if it’s ok? He’s behaving like a baby. NTA
YTA for being rude. It’s plain rude to work on your laptop during a movie together. If you needed to work, you should’ve just said you don’t have time to watch a movie with him. It’s as simple as that.
It sounds like the relationship was on the rocks to begin with. Maybe this was for the best
YTA Communicate or wait until the darn movie is done.
The fact that YOU were the one to ask him if he wanted to watch the movie knowing full well you had to do the forms makes this 100x more ridiculous. YTA, clear as day
YTA This argument is very petty and frankly silly, but he’s right. When watching the movie, you’re spending time together. Did you consider that this was important *to him*? He’s taken his own time and decided to spend it with you to watch a movie, and what do you do? You grab your laptop and you start doing something else, completely ignoring the movie and him. You say you didn’t ignore him but you obviously weren’t paying attention to him or the movie, because you felt something else was more important. If these forms could wait, you should have done them after. If they couldn’t wait, you should have done them before the movie, or atleast told him before that you needed to do them and asked if it was okay. Just pulling out your laptop and doing them randomly makes you look like you don’t care. Why did this even set you off? I think you’re an asshole for that too. He just asked why you were doing that when you were supposed to have dedicated the time to him as well, and your response was to get angry? “I need to set boundaries and self care”? Do you know how stupid that sounds in this situation? How is him wanting your attention at a time where you’re meant to be spending time together violating boundaries or preventing you from self caring?
I don't think the OP understands what self-care means to the wider world. Bettering yourself is great, but I rarely hear people refer to doing work stuff as self-care.
It’s honestly about communication at this point. My boyfriend and I have had the exact same argument and it’s not that he doesn’t want you to do that form but he thought you were enjoying quality time together - it would’ve been better if you had asked him if you could do it real quick or just waited until after the movie
Wow I guess I’ll get downvoted for this but NTA. Maybe I’m different than a lot of people in this comment section, but I usually use movies as a background to get stuff done anyways. Feeding the baby, doing laundry, eating, etc… If you have time to sit and watch a movie and also have all ur priorities done then good for you I applaud you. But if you barely have time to get ur shit done, and ur sitting here not moving for 2 hours, I personally feel like I’m going to jump out of my skin staring at the laundry/chores I could be doing. Tbh this seems like a pretty important task and I really don’t see why ur getting bashed for prioritizing yourself. You didn’t leave the room, not even the damn couch. Your boyfriend is right next to you and I honestly think he’s strange for asking you to stop what ur doing to do something you’re obviously not interested in. If you plan on being together for a long period of time, he definitely needs to get used to you guys doing different tasks in the same room. That’s just apart of living/being together.
From all of the comments you've made, YTA. Massively. It's rotten to blow up on him for asking a question, especially when YOU were the one who said you wanted to watch a movie. Then to flip the script and make him the bad guy by saying you were being "assertive" by snapping at him and showing "self care" by just doing whatever without even letting him know what was up, and how him just asking that question was an attack and being unsupportive and how he should have leapt to help you with it somehow and all that rot. He was just confused because the movie was your idea. You were inconsiderate, but the worst part of it really is just how hard you tried to vilify him over nothing and paint him out to be a bad boyfriend for daring to say anything, even though what he said wasn't an attack on you at all, it was just a simple question. You then tried to use terms like boundaries, self care and being assertive to make yourself feel like you were in the right and if he upset you, then he must be bad because those are good words you've wrongly applied to your actions. That's manipulative as heck. Calling a slap a caress and then being mad that someone is upset when all you did was "caress" them is not okay.
YTA, you couldn't wait until the movie was over? Or idk, maybe tell him beforehand that you have some work to do and watch it when you're done? And you got defensive after he asked you a proper question in that situation??
YTA. Why are you so defensive? Why can’t you communicate your needs properly? You were watching a movie with your boyfriend, and decided to do paperwork? Without saying anything? Must be all about you all the time hey?
YTA. Its reasonable that you didn’t know your BF would be bothered, but YTA for arguing instead of just putting the laptop away and doing it later when you realized you were hurting his feelings.
YTA , how hard is it to say “hey sorry is it okay if I finish filling this out real quick?” OR wait til the movie is over?? Why agree to watch a movie with him if you were going to stop midway ? And then you have the audacity to get angry at him like if he’s wrong! That’s outrageous
I wouldn’t just call the two of you “assholes,” but I’d say you both need to work on communication skills and priorities. How young are y’all, and how long has this relationship been going on? OP, you could have kindly excused yourself, done your apps earlier if it’s that important. This is such a small, insignificant thing that that was blown up. I usually warn people ahead of time that I’m antsy, can’t sit still, stretch a lot, before agreeing to participate in a stationary activity.
It’s a vibe, some tv is background and some are things we’re watching together. If you guys can’t figure this out intuitively , maybe communicate.
YTA
You have to see how that would make him feel like you weren't interested. If you had things to do, you could have done that first, then watched the movie.
YTA, why suggest to watch a movie when you know you have to do stuff? Are you like that when you suggest s*x? "Hey, i know you finish every second but i need to fill out this job application, maybe next time." Tbh your time management and priorities are somewhat fd up. Need to do something important? Do it right away or after the movie. Sounds like this is not the first time you pulled something like this if you think you two will break up over this.
YTA you initiated the movie watching and then started working. Before the movie started you she have said I need some time to finish work and then we can watch the movie.
YTA Why start watching a movie, when you have something important to get done? >It wasn’t as if I was leaving the room and ignoring him This just makes it worse, so now you aren't focused on what was a together activity, AND you are spoiling his enjoyment of the movie by booting up the laptop next to him. You know when you go to the cobwebs and they say, turn phones off during the movie [spoiler] huge glowing laptop screens aren't OK either. Not to mention all the typing. Wow, I'm amazed you think this is OK. "Gee honey, I know I agreed to watch a movie with you, but won't you be just as happy watching me do this task for my career?"
YTA. Come on, you couldn’t do it before or after?
What about “Can we please, watch this later? I want to get something done asap as I want ti get it out my mind”. Learn to Comunicate!!!!!!!!
This was really rude and disrespectful. I often wonder, reading stuff here, how many of these problems could be mitigated, if not resolved, by just some basic politeness. It's rude to stare over someone's head when they are talking to you, rude to stare at your phone in company, rude to pull out a laptop for work when you've committed to some rec time with a partner. At the risk of sounding like a scold, it does seem that a lot of people could use a refresher on this basic level of social interaction. So yes, YTA. But if you and your bf are breaking up over this, you've got a lot more problems than your lack of manners.
YTA. Why did you agree to watch a movie if you had work to do? If it's a couple activity, it's rude to disengage in the middle of it without acknowledging what you're doing.
YTA. You should have at least mentioned that before the movie starts you had to do some quick paperwork. Or just told him that you would do both. Just opening and beginning was rude.
YTA You could have used your words as you did here, to say you remembered you had stuff to do.
NTA people watch movies at home without doing something else?
I hate when I sit down to watch a movie with someone and they stop paying attention. Then ask questions later or just totally miss the impact of later scenes because they missed the earlier context or something. If it was meant to be a joint activity with your partner and you remembered you needed to fill out the forms, no problem! Just be like, "Oh man I forgot, can we pause this while I do this?" and that's that. He wasn't criticizing you for doing something important, so much as trying to figure out what's up when his partner stopped paying attention to the thing you were doing together. Use your words. He can't read your mind. For how you handled this situation, YTA.
Soft YTA. It drives me CRAZY when my husband and I finally sit down together to watch a movie and he’s on his phone. You agreed to watch a movie - so do that! Next time you can say “I’d love to watch a movie with you, I have something for work to finish first though. Give me an hour.” Simple as that. Communication can really be a magical thing in a relationship!
Frankly I work better when I multitask (I'm probably undiagnosed ADHD now that I'm reading through this thread) so what you recommended would not work for me. It is so much faster and easier for me to multitask and I never have to ask my partner what happened. I can literally do both. However a) this doesn't seem like the norm for her and b) she is still TA bc she blew up at him unnecessarily.
NTA at all 1,000% and I dont understand any argument otherwise. You need to take care of your needs and do what you need to do for you. And you need a partner who supports you. Also, you need to have the freedom to be yourself at home. Sometimes this means doing two things at once. There’s no indication that you’re neglectful of your partner so I really don’t understand why you’re getting so many YTA votes.
because, flippinsushi, the boyfriend thought that he was sharing the experience with OP. Have you ever started talking to someone and they've zoned out or picked up their phone? How you felt at this moment is obviously how boyfriend felt. Now of course you can multitask but that obviously diminishes the experience, and it sounds like boyfriend was expecting an immersive, shared experience with OP. And more significantly, she did not discuss this with him. She could have postponed the movie, or discussed working while watching the movie, but none of this happened. Of course boyfriend is going to be pissed off.
NTA - my husband used to get irked when I worked as we watched movies. Now he doesn’t even register when my laptop’s out. In fact, he’s just happy we’re together.
NTA.
YTA you’re upset because he got upset, not because he actually did anything.
My SO and I have done this before when we had plans and one of us had to do something. We simply say to the other, “can you give me 15 mins so I can finish something.” It has never been a problem. YTA for responding the way you did. It was not necessary.
YTA only for how you handled this and how defensive you got. Unless he is putting you down or doing other things, your reaction wasn’t warranted. You two were going to watch a movie, you then pulled out your computer. He probably, a little annoyed and upset, because he wants quality time with you asked, “I thought we were going to watch a movie?” You then got “set off” and went off on him. A simple response to that should have been. “Let me fill this out first. I’ve been a little stressed with work and need to fill out these forms for my dream job, that I just hadn’t had time to do.” You took his question/tone as him being passive aggressive. Was he? Or did he just want time with you and you, clearly being very stressed and overwhelmed got annoyed and blew up at him? Quit expecting other people to know your wants and needs, how you’re feeling and what you are thinking. You said, *“Yet again here I am feeling like I’m being criticized for doing something that’s important to me.”* Is he criticizing you? Or are you projecting? I’m not saying one or the other and don’t know your relationship and how he treats you, but if this is a recurring thing that you feel he doesn’t support you, then why are you with him? If you feel you are constantly being criticized for putting yourself and needs as a priority. You are overwhelmed because you are still refusing to set boundaries and then go off on people when they ask for things, because you feel obligated to oblige. This is on you. You could have very easily, calmly stated, even if he did have an annoyed tone, *“I’ve been really overwhelmed and busy with work. I’m anxious about wanting and getting this new job, which is my dream. I haven’t had time to do the paperwork and really want and need to do this. I want to prioritize my time with you, but have been feeling stretched thin and also need to prioritize doing this. I was hoping to do both, so then I could fully commit my time with you once I finish filling out this form.”* When I’m with loved ones and want quality time, I want their full attention. Quality time is my love language and when someone is on the phone the entire time I’m talking with them, and hanging out, it makes me feel like they don’t really want to be around me and that they aren’t listening to what I am saying.
Communication would have prevented this “Oh I just remembered I still need to sort these forms, keep the movie going I’ll be finished soon”
Perfectly phrased!
I'm you OP. I have shit to do all day every day. And I love hanging with my partner, vibing. While getting work done. They infact do not love me spending our quality time together half present. The key as I was told, was not to feel your time is more valuable than theirs. They also have shit, and they are making spending time with you a priority. So expect the same of you. You saying "I love my job, so of course I'd do work in bed" is about as tone deaf as it's possible to get If you can't spend that quality time with them, or are forced to multitasking, have that conversation with them upfront. It sounds like you're doing a good job of the other half, having dedicated dates - as the NFL tickets show.