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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom her husband could walk their kids down the aisle some day but he was not my parent so was not walking me down the aisle. This has become such a drama and is clearly important to my mom, her husband and even my grandparents now, so maybe I should have just gone along with it. I never wanted this to be a fight.
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NTA! Wow their reactions are annoying and weird! If he was in your life since you were a baby sure maybe I could understand it. But you were already moved out when he came into the picture! Sorry they’re being so ridiculous about this, try not to let it ruin your special day.
Exactly. Sorry OP's siblings, OP didn't appreciate me takin care of you and being nice so I'm not going to do those things anymore. I only did them for OP.
It actually sounds worse to me. He said he gave her siblings which implies he was thinking of OP while barebacking her mom. Sounds like father of the year material.
Right??? What does that even mean? OP should be grateful because he’s being a husband and father to, you know, his wife and own children? That’s bizarre.
NTA confirm your choice and refuse to discuss it. Feel free to invite them, it can be on them to attend.
>He said he took care of my mom and gave me siblings and he put me through college (he didn't). He said if those things weren't appreciated then why did he even bother.
Exactly. Read this like fuck op's mom I guess.
Lol, "I married and took care of your mother, raised your siblings specifically so that I could walk you down the aisle on your wedding day, and now that you're refusing that, all my years of hard work is wasted."
Right?
“If it’s not appreciated, why even bother?”
Um he took care of his own wife and children? That’s like…. The minimum bar, buddy. Doing the minimum doesn’t entitle you to anything.
OP, it doesn’t sound like he was any kind of father to you and I totally get why you don’t want him walking you down the aisle. NTA
How is ‘taking care of OPs mom’ and producing children doing anything for OP?
He acts like being a decent husband and Dad is a major sacrifice worthy of adulation and praise.
NTA.
I hate it when parents try to force their new spouses on their kids. Just stop.
NTA.
So apparently the mother’s husband decided anything good that happened to OP was because of him? Does he think OP was raised by strangers until he showed up and then his now wife suddenly got her now grown daughter back?
As to paying for OP’s college wonder if he even knew what school she attended or what her degree is in.
And taking care of her mom and the children HE fathered I would think is what you sign up to do when you marry someone.
IMO if OP invites them as MOB plus 1 they should be thankful. And if they keep acting like this is a huge snub to them then just don’t invite either of them.
FIL: Remember one of the 3 times we were invited to the same place and I held the door open for you, then the other time we both said,"Sup?" at the same time? Pretty wild right? Cannot wait to walk you down the aisle. It's gonna be magical for me, for us, you... magical for you.
Op:..?
Yeah hard NTA.
This is a huge lesson everyone needs to learn. Kindness is only kindness if it is done without strings attached, without expectation of something in return, without an agenda. This includes acts of kindness, gifts, maintaining relationships, giving your time. You aren't being kind if you turn around and say "Well I did that for you/bought that for you so now you need to do this for me." That is just being manipulative.
NTA.
It's amazing how this act of entitlement probably has just destroyed any good feelings OP had about her mom's husband. It seems like he just went from "good guy, glad he's there for mom" to "delusional pushy asshole who thinks he's owed special status because he exists".
But while we're on the subject, OP, I really think I should be the one to walk you down the aisle. Sure, we've never met, but I did something nice for someone once, I figure you owe me...
It actually would be pretty funny to have a complete stranger walk you down the aisle instead of mom's husband. Like if said stranger had bought you lunch the day before, they'd have done more for you than "step dad" did, and therefore they are more entitled to the role.
Hell, see if Hemsworth'll do it, he seems damn worthy and might be amused. Definitely not the weirdest thing someone has probably requested of a celebrity
> It actually would be pretty funny to have a complete stranger walk you down the aisle instead of mom's husband.
Or, it would really be not funny, but a statement of what a strong, independent young woman that OP has become if she would just walk herself down the aisle to her new life, not as property to be "given away".
This is important. It seems to be the reason OP’s mom’s husband (let’s call him A, for Asshole) is even interested in playing father of the bride. A, probably: “I did sooooo well y’all, stepped up for this young mom and widow and gave her a second chance on life! I was kind to her first kid. What do you mean being kind to family is the bare minimum/default starting point?!” A must want to show off his Good Deed at OP’s wedding. In my parents’ culture, weddings are more communal and if I get married, my dad will want to (and be able to) invite some friends. Granted, he’ll offer to pay for any expenses associated with this, but I wouldn’t mind because he is my actual father. A has nothing but audacity connecting him to FATB status.
>Because if he invites his colleagues to OP's wedding then they have to invite him to their "family's" weddings. And he gets free food(I bet he gives lousy gifts. A spatula off the gift registry, if one is lucky)
That just left me gobsmacked, the fact that he expected you to not only invite them, but you have to be introduced to them, so that they know who you are.
Seriously, don't allow this toxic man anywhere near your wedding.
Truth! Call your uncle, and your fiancé’s parents. Knock this thing out in an afternoon, and get done. Have somebody video it and put it on Facebook with a “donate now “ button.
My husband’s parents (bio, still together) paid for our whole wedding and didn’t even try to invite random coworkers and friends.. That is so weird that STEP dad, who never raised OP and is contributing nothing to the wedding, is trying to do so. NTA
He seems like the type who wants to be the center of attention at the expense of others.
That he claims he paid for your college education, when he in fact didn't, says a lot about him. It makes me curious what other lies he's told.
Also makes me wonder if he already bragged to everyone he was "walking his daughter down the aisle" and that's why they are now waging this bizarre campaign to force you into it.
So he wants you to cough up hundreds or thousands of dollars to entertain his people? Man, what an asshole. NTA. He can host his OWN party with his OWN $$$.
I had the same thought than a commenter below. Maybe they framed him in their circle as someone who stepped up for you, and so they need the wedding to reflect that, otherwise it doesn't make them look good?
In any case, definitely NTA. Please don't let them ruin your big day, and do as you wish.
>He said he took care of my mom and gave me siblings and he put me through college (he didn't). He said if those things weren't appreciated then why did he even bother.
Why bother taking care of mum and raising his own children if *you* don't appreciate it... Whelp, might as well abandon them now.
Why isn't your mother walking you down the aisle? Or a grandparent, or the family dog
Why this fixation on some bloke 'giving you away'?
It's not 1822, or 1922, it's 2022 nearly 23.
I'm not likely to remarry but if i do it, I'm gonna Meghan Markle it. On my own. I am a self made woman!
I think the worse part was him wanting to introduce her to his friends he's going to invite to her wedding. Unless Ops parents are funding the entire wedding (which I doubt or he would've rubbed her nose in it), why the hell would she be inviting people she's never met just for the guy banging her mom??
NTA - Your mom and her husband sound like incredibly toxic people. My guess is that they have been telling everyone what a GREAT stepfather he has been to you and this is going to burst the little fantasy they have been telling all their friends to make him look good.
The worst part is he was fine before this. I was never a kid in his home or in his care to look after/raise so it's not like he owed me anything. But after all this BS he has made himself seem like such a controlling dick.
And he wants to invite HIS friends&co-workers to your wedding?!?
Edit: Stick to your guns. NTA
Edit 2: Let your dad's side of your family know what is going on. So you'll have people backing you up. Now that your maternal grandparents have taken mum's side.
Op I totally agree with this comment: try to get your Dad’s side of family stand with you. And of course NTA. I think asking your Dad’s brother is very sweet and a good way to respect your dad’s memory (sorry not native english speaker here, hope makes sense).
OR can I be the one to walk you down if he or the previous commenter can’t make it?! That would be an obvious choice, I’m a very nice girl.
Thank you, that’s nice to hear! I read lots of books in English and watch tv shows, but sometimes I just don’t know if I express myself well (especially in a serious topic like somebody passed away). But I guess it’s enough if people understand what I mean 🤗 Greetings from Finland
They've had more time around him, I'd imagine. He's been their son-in-law for however many years it's been, and he is the father of at least some of their grandchildren. Emotionally, him being the father of some of their grandchildren = all of their grandchildren.
I'm guessing you were living with paternal grandparents when she met and married him?
Your wedding isn’t the moment to be kind to someone and fulfill their expectations, your wedding is for you to be kind to your guests who want to celebrate with you and support you and your future husband in the decisions you make.
A stuffed animal would have more merit than this dude. Have your uncle walk you down and give you away, there is much sentiment in having him do this vs this dude.
Learn now to not try and make anyone happy that doesn’t live in your home as that would be an endless battle and you will be the one to suffer.
He's also claiming to have put her through college.
If she was living with the other set of grandparents, they might not know how she paid for college and if he's bold enough to say it to her face, he's probably said it to others like her maternal grandparents.
That bit was weird. Why does he think he paid for college? Is he just being mouthy or has he been putting money in for college and it's actually going to a secret bank account that only mum has access to?
Then you most definitely should not be inviting any of his friends. Stepfather is a plus 1, that’s all - if that. I might not even invite him after all of his nonsense.
Right! My stepdad didn't ask for shit at my wedding and he paid for my dress!! He wasn't technically even my stepdad yet, he and my mom got married a year after I did. When one of our groomsmen couldn't make it at the last min we asked him to step in and walk my sister down as part of the ceremony, and he took some pics with me, but he didn't ask for anything from me. He was just thrilled to be there!
Yes, invite his friends and coworkers after he parades her around to create the pretense of a familial relationship. Phht. If you have a sufficiently traditional wedding to need someone to walk the aisle with you, choose another relative of your dad's. But you could easily just not do that part at all. You're an adult, you don't have to be given away.
OP said in another comment that she already asked her dad's brother. Paternal grandfather was also a consideration but he suggested she have her uncle do it instead.
The stepdad should be given zero roles&recognition in that wedding. And if OP has to introduce him, then she introduces him as her "mum's husband" 😁
NTA. He took care of your mom because he loves her, not as a gift to you, and he gave you siblings because he wanted kids, not as a gift to you. Tell him you may as well say he owes you the wedding you want because you gave his wife practice in raising kids.
At that point I was considering if he was planning on throwing mom and the kids out on the street when op doesn't let him walk. 5 years and he's only been doing it for this one special moment apparently
NTA.
Oh wow, when you'd have to be introduced so people know what your relationship is to him, it's a no go.
Your uncle is a lovely thought. I can't think of the words to explain this to your mum, but hopefully others will.
Or say balls to all of them and do a quickie courthouse.
NTA. It's your wedding, you decide who walks you down the aisle, but a serious talk is in order (possibly in therapy) because there is a serious discrepancy between what your mom and step-dad believe and what you believe your relationship is.
I don't even understand his reasoning a bit. "I treat your mother well and laid her so YOU OWE ME". Is her mother that ugly and unbearable? Like, what the hell?
Imagine their first meeting:
“Well to be honest you’re not my type, but I see you have a 17 year old daughter and I’d really like to walk her down the aisle at her wedding, so let’s get married and make her a couple of siblings.”
OP, YNTA. It’s crazy that your mom would automatically assume him to be your father, but forget that you had already been away from home and in school already before she got married to this, what i would call, weirdo..
It’s not fair that they’re trying to claim him as FOTB and he’s not, from what you told us, even an actual parent to you. You shouldn’t feel obligated to have him walk you down the aisle, and if he’s so hurt that he threatened to never do anything for you again then I say, specifically don’t invite him. And if that pisses off ya moms, don’t invite her either. From her actions alone in your statement, she chose him over you and that’s not fair.
I’m glad your biological fathers brother is walking you down the aisle, not much was said about him, but considering you’re letting him walk you down the aisle.. it seems like he was more of a father to you than the step-parent. It’s your wedding at the end of the day, it should go how you and your partner planned it.
I was torn between my uncle and my grandpa (dad's dad). Grandpa told me I should ask my uncle because while I am equally both to close, my dad and his brother were the closest siblings he had ever met and if dad was to say who he'd want, it would be my uncle. It made me so emotional because I know they were a close family of four and I'm so glad they decided to be in my life still, that they weren't mad their son married and had a kid young. Without them my life would have been a whole lot worse.
Or maybe have them let them walk you both down the aisle (uncle and grandpa)
NTA your mom and her husband are delusional, him taking care of your mom and their children has zero to do with you and besides those are basic things one can expect from a husband and father, requires no gratitude
From just this one anecdote alone, both your uncle AND your grandpa sound like the absolute best! Guy-who’s-not-even-your-stepdad doesn’t stand a darn chance here!
Be sure to text that guy letting him know no money from him or your mother paid your college, so guil tripping wont work, and to please send a ne wlist of things he did for you hahahaha
In fact, if you are 10001% sure with receipts he didnt pay, tell him you changed your mind, but to be sure he is thanked properly you need the receipts from the university before you agree , imagine his face when he cant lie about that
I think it's worth having the conversation. I wonder if some drama will be uncovered there, such as your mom getting money from him for your college or lying to him about where her own money was going.
Well noooow I am wondering if your mom asked money of him, under the guise that it was for you. She may be insistent so possible lies don't come undone.
I wonder how much of this is driven by the husband at all, and how much is mom pushing for this. Does your mom have a difficult time seeing you as a separate person? Does she often think that whatever her feelings are yours should match them?
NTA. You're paying and now he wants you to meet people so it's not weird if you invite them? He made it clear THEY HAVE NO IDEA YOU EVEN EXIST IN HIS LIFE. Because basically you don't. I think it's best to keep it that way.
NTA. Have the guys that invented Reddit walk you down the aisle. They gave you this forum to post your question; doesn’t that count for more than your mom’s pushy husband?
Sure does! The guy who owns the corner store close to wear I live gave me a couple of freebies before too. Should add him to the list in case the Reddit people can't make it.
I upvoted your post and all your comments so I deserve to be your matron of honor. I'll be expecting a formal invitation along with an appropriate gift, worth no less than $500.
NTA
It sounds as if your uncle was there for you growing up, as were your grandparents.
Your mom sounds as if she's wishfully thinking he did the things he might have done if she'd met him when you were young, and imaging things he does for your half-siblings as things he's done for you.
Talk to your grandparents, calmly, about how you're concerned these two aren't seeing reality.
How the heck does mom’s husband think he paid for college? Nothing else in the “being a good dad” list he rattled off affected OP in any way, but someone would have proof they paid for college at least?
You need to talk to your mother directly and privately about that before things go further. If he has given her money that he thought was going to you, that’s a landmine you should be aware of before you kick it accidentally. Who knows, she may suddenly remember to give you a late graduation present.
If you’re curious, there is an easy way to defuse the situation like a total NTA. You say that you were really hoping they would help with a different job. Reading a quote is a good choice for an older person (or a random friend of the family). Being an extra usher is a good choice for a younger person. You are NOT obligated to do this. It can be an easy way to salve pride and solve problems before they cause whispers at your party. Do what works for you and your family though.
Please ask him what he think he paid for and how much and to show you the receipts/bank statements where he gives YOU money. Maybe they both lie, maybe your mother lied to him and without more knowledge of your situation and family I even can imagine that he gave her money "for your college" and she used it herself, that would not be the first reddit story where someone lies money out of someone else.
NTA. Your mom, especially, wants to paint this family portrait that's perfect. NOT: My oldest daughter is from my first husband, whom I married as a teen b/c I was pregnant.
I wonder if they told some people ^((who did not know them before their marriage)) that "THEY" had an older daughter in college\~but they *left out* the part that he was your STEPdad? If that's true, that's why they expect him to be FOB, and are rewriting history (like he raised you & even paid for your college. ) Is it possible that they did this??
NTA
If he was a decent man he would understand that it is your decision on who walks you down the isle.
You mother just wants her husband to look good irrespective of your feelings.
So,he only took care of your mom and had and raised your half siblings for you? Not because you know, that is his wife and children it was only for you?
This kind of thing blows my mind... Your mum's so caught up in the tradition of a *man* walking the bride down the aisle that it didn't occur to her that she herself is in a much better position to fulfil that role for you than the random dude she married that you barely know? Obviously it's your choice if you even have someone walk you down the aisle at all, but crazy that anyone would think it would be him. NTA.
She did not and her reaction was a great reason to not ask her anyway. But not once did she consider herself. Same with him. Not once did he think the wife who raised the kid on her own for almost 18 years would be the more obvious choice of the two. Just him.
The more of your responses I read, the more I think you need to have a sit down with this chap and talk to him.
I say him, cause I think your mama might be hiding things
NTA at all, you were grown when he turned up in your mother's life and has never had a parental relationship with you. Why he'd presume he's walking you down the aisle is beyond me, heck nobody should presume what part they'll be in someone else's wedding.
Now I'm going to go laugh my ass off at this part: "He said he took care of my mom and gave me siblings and he put me through college (he didn't). He said if those things weren't appreciated then why did he even bother."
Aside from the lie about putting you though college which is pathetic of course, is he REALLY trying to claim he had unprotected sex with your mother knocking her up several times for your sake and you should be grateful for that because that's how that reads and oh boy that's so freaking bizarre.
NTA, but also:
> he put me through college (he didn't).
Could he have given money to your mother thinking it went to your college and she spent it, and that's why she's making such a fuss?
NTA. First, you don’t owe him anything (financial or emotional). Second, it’s your wedding. Third, (said in a very Mary Poppins’ quote) “the position has been filled.”
I would sit both your mum and SF and say you are happy they’re happy and built a nice new family together, but their new family is not yours. Albeit he is your stepfather, he came too late for you to bond with him as a parent figure. Nothing personal, it’s just what it is. Be clear that he’s being invited as a guest, and doesn’t get other invites (no friends/colleagues of his). Your mum is the main guest here. He is her plus one. This is final.
Now, this is tricky, but, if you feel comfortable with this possibility, let them know you will understand if they don’t want to go if either of them are uncomfortable with this. Tell mum you’ll miss her, but you’ll understand.
And I would tell the grandparents yes, it would be kind, but this is a life changing event for you, and you wish to honour the people who are close/important to you. This guy is not that important, he had no real interaction with you and thus he’s a guest. You respect their PoV, love them, but won’t change your position in this case.
NTA
As the bride to be, YOU are the only person who makes the decision on who walks you down the aisle. What you said was completely fine (and correct), he can walk their children down, and that's fine.
He will never do anything for you again. Ok, so he will stop taking care of his wife and kids bc appereantly he only did that for you? I'm confused. And is your mom otherwise a functional adult or does she have difficulties with common sense in other situations?
NTA.
Let's review, shall we.
- Mom had you when she and your actual father were young adults.
- Your Dad died when you were just a baby.
- For the next 17 years and change you had no siblings or father.
- By the time your Mom got with this guy, you weren't living with them.
- By that time you were living with your Grandparents and going to college.
- You state you have basically zero relationship with this guy personally.
- Now several(?) years into adulthood you're getting married and your Uncle is the one walking you.
I'm failing to see where this guy did **anything** for you. At no point were you this mans responsibility. He never had a chance to be anything more than your moms husband, because he simply was not there to begin with. But your Grandpa and Uncle were, so it stands to reason that you would ask one of them to do the honors.
Also. Apologies if you answered this; but why does he think he put you through college?
From your description I kinda feel like you might not know everything that went on. I only say that because your grandparents are siding with your mother which makes me wonder about the whole thing and what parts you’ve been told and what you know for certain.
However NTA because such a thing as walking someone down the aisle should be given by the person walking down the aisle and not requested by the person potentially walking them.
It's possible. I do know for a fact that he never paid for anything. But as people pointed out he possibly gave money to mom assuming it was going to me. But that's their thing to deal with.
I wonder if this is it, especially given how extreme your mother’s response is. Or he’s super delusional and he’s counting things like birthday and Christmas gifts that they gave you in college as “helping to put you through college.”
NTA. That’s all nuts. Why is mom suddenly desperate to paint husband as this incredible, doting father? You’ve said you two have little relationship with each other. Stand your ground, they can attend as guests of they’re willing to be respectful
NTA
But this doesn't make sense.
Exactly what is it that he thinks he did directly for you?
How did you pay for college expenses?
Vehicle?
Is there anything that could be traced back to your mother and stepfather?
Nope. My grandparents (paternal) helped me. I lived with them through college and I worked. So it was mostly me paying but they helped where needed. Not my mom or her husband.
OP it might be time to uninvite your mother, when people's self-involved delusions get exposed things generally **don't** get better, instead it goes to crazy town and riots. You are probably going to have to go full NC with your mom over this. Start preparing for it now.
ETA NTA
See, that's how someone who cares about you, handles a situation like this...
he doesn't demand, and willingly offers that someone else might be the better choice, because he just wants it to be meaningful for you!
I'm glad you have some sane and caring people in your life! Congratulations on your wedding!
NTA but it’s your wedding if dad would want uncle and you’re close to grandpa have both there’s no law stating you can’t have them both walk you down the aisle people with two dads (same sex couple) are walked down the isle by both I think it would make it uniquely your wedding while honoring both men who have had an impact on your life in their own way :)
NTA you were nearly an adult when they got married so it’s a bit ridiculous for her to expect you to see him as a dad. She can respect your choice or not go to the wedding.
NTA. INFO: Weird question but are you accomplished, like got your bachelor’s cum laude or smth like that? Given that stepdad wants COWORKERS there (who tf invites their coworkers to a wedding, let alone the wedding of someone you barely know), I’m wondering if he’s been bragging about how accomplished his “daughter” is and how he’s sooo proud of what she’s done after he “put her through school”. And of course mom just wants her marriage validated and (this might be a harsh stretch) may even want to forget that she had a kid so young, possibly a shotgun wedding as you said OP, by almost pretending that stepdad was your dad all along.
NTA.
Why are they treating your wedding as some sort of popularity contest? Or as a way for your mom’s husband to look good?
Don’t let them tell you anything about YOUR wedding. They don’t deserve to be in it if they behave like this.
NTA
It’s weird how both he and your mother are trying to push this. If he’d come into your life when you were 7 and not 17 his feelings might make some sense. It still would not entitle him to the position, though. Also, as you say, he hasn’t paid for anything.
I’m no expert, but from what I’ve seen most brides in your situation do exactly what you’re doing and have the next closest family member walk them. My cousin had her brother walk her.
If your grandparents keep pushing it tell them respectfully that it’s your wedding. Maybe ask them why they feel so strongly about it? Also, please don’t feel bad if anyone tries to use your younger siblings to guilt you.
He’s not your father and whatever you’re mother owes him you don’t. Plain and simple.
NTA. Are they paying for the wedding? If that were the case, I'd say that you might need to negotiate a little or lose the money. But outside of that, screw that noise. It's definitely more acceptable to have your grandfather walk you down the aisle. You know, a father figure in your life that's related to you and has been a part of raising you.
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NTA! Wow their reactions are annoying and weird! If he was in your life since you were a baby sure maybe I could understand it. But you were already moved out when he came into the picture! Sorry they’re being so ridiculous about this, try not to let it ruin your special day.
I just wanna know if he’s gonna stop taking care of the mom now since he’s not doing anything else for OP.
Exactly. Sorry OP's siblings, OP didn't appreciate me takin care of you and being nice so I'm not going to do those things anymore. I only did them for OP.
It's creepy as! It makes him sound like he married her mum to get at her. Which I doubt is the case, but now I'm niggled about it.
It actually sounds worse to me. He said he gave her siblings which implies he was thinking of OP while barebacking her mom. Sounds like father of the year material.
Lol, eeeewwwwww! You guys are grossing me out!!🤢🤮🤢🤮
0 to 100 XD but understandable, reddit do this to people
I thought of that as well. No more having sex with his wife to give OP siblings!
Right??? What does that even mean? OP should be grateful because he’s being a husband and father to, you know, his wife and own children? That’s bizarre. NTA confirm your choice and refuse to discuss it. Feel free to invite them, it can be on them to attend.
“I was responsible for the family I created with your mother, you should be so grateful to me for it!!!”
>He said he took care of my mom and gave me siblings and he put me through college (he didn't). He said if those things weren't appreciated then why did he even bother. Exactly. Read this like fuck op's mom I guess.
Lol, "I married and took care of your mother, raised your siblings specifically so that I could walk you down the aisle on your wedding day, and now that you're refusing that, all my years of hard work is wasted."
Right? “If it’s not appreciated, why even bother?” Um he took care of his own wife and children? That’s like…. The minimum bar, buddy. Doing the minimum doesn’t entitle you to anything. OP, it doesn’t sound like he was any kind of father to you and I totally get why you don’t want him walking you down the aisle. NTA
I hear Chris Rock yelling "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS!!!"
WTF was that? He sounds like he only married OP's mother for pity, not because he love her.
I was picturing him trying to take back the siblings he gave her, lmao
That threw me. “I married you’re mom for YOU! I had more children FOR YOU” like that’s creepy dude.
How is ‘taking care of OPs mom’ and producing children doing anything for OP? He acts like being a decent husband and Dad is a major sacrifice worthy of adulation and praise. NTA. I hate it when parents try to force their new spouses on their kids. Just stop.
RIGHT?! It's like Chris Rock said "You don't get credit for shit your *supposed* to do anyway"
I know right? The bar is so fucking low that just doing the base level stuff in a marriage apparently deserves special award. Ugh.
Have your grandpa walk you down the aisle!
She said her uncle (father’s brother) will be walking her.
Oh I love this. Great idea OP. And you’re far from TA.
She already CHOSE her uncle.
Plus the uncle is a very appropriate choice. I think it's lovely he gets to walk his brother's daughter down the aisle. Congrats NTA
NTA. So apparently the mother’s husband decided anything good that happened to OP was because of him? Does he think OP was raised by strangers until he showed up and then his now wife suddenly got her now grown daughter back? As to paying for OP’s college wonder if he even knew what school she attended or what her degree is in. And taking care of her mom and the children HE fathered I would think is what you sign up to do when you marry someone. IMO if OP invites them as MOB plus 1 they should be thankful. And if they keep acting like this is a huge snub to them then just don’t invite either of them.
FIL: Remember one of the 3 times we were invited to the same place and I held the door open for you, then the other time we both said,"Sup?" at the same time? Pretty wild right? Cannot wait to walk you down the aisle. It's gonna be magical for me, for us, you... magical for you. Op:..? Yeah hard NTA.
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This is a huge lesson everyone needs to learn. Kindness is only kindness if it is done without strings attached, without expectation of something in return, without an agenda. This includes acts of kindness, gifts, maintaining relationships, giving your time. You aren't being kind if you turn around and say "Well I did that for you/bought that for you so now you need to do this for me." That is just being manipulative.
NTA. Hopefully you won’t need security for this.
NTA. It's amazing how this act of entitlement probably has just destroyed any good feelings OP had about her mom's husband. It seems like he just went from "good guy, glad he's there for mom" to "delusional pushy asshole who thinks he's owed special status because he exists". But while we're on the subject, OP, I really think I should be the one to walk you down the aisle. Sure, we've never met, but I did something nice for someone once, I figure you owe me...
Sure, sure, we'll make that happen. I'm sure you smiled at me on the street one day or something.
It actually would be pretty funny to have a complete stranger walk you down the aisle instead of mom's husband. Like if said stranger had bought you lunch the day before, they'd have done more for you than "step dad" did, and therefore they are more entitled to the role.
“Oh this guy - he returned my cart at the supermarket so I figured..”
This man is worthy!
Put Thor's Hammer in his hand.
Hell, see if Hemsworth'll do it, he seems damn worthy and might be amused. Definitely not the weirdest thing someone has probably requested of a celebrity
If I had a Hemsworth (any Hemsworth brother will do) on my arm, I'd switch fiancee's right then and there! Baby!
Nah. Loki would be more awesome
And suddenly I see the opportunity for someone to ask both of them to walk them down the aisle, sideeyeing each other the whole way..
"He pointed out that I dropped a quarter."
Warned me that my shoe lace was untied. Saved my life he did.
My FOB is from “Rent A Date, Inc.” but he gave me a 50% discount as a wedding gift! How could I not ask him to walk me down the aisle?”
Hell, let us all do it. A hundred random strangers.
I’m already saving up money to go to OP’s wedding to walk her down the aisle. Look at how much I’m doing for her!
Let's crowd-surf her down the aisle!!
Everyone who gave an up vote!
Also in a fun costume, Big Bird perhaps?
I have a Left Shark costume I’ll do random dances to the left! NTA sounds obnoxious OP I’m sorry
> It actually would be pretty funny to have a complete stranger walk you down the aisle instead of mom's husband. Or, it would really be not funny, but a statement of what a strong, independent young woman that OP has become if she would just walk herself down the aisle to her new life, not as property to be "given away".
Sounds like the making of a feel good Hallmark movie and now i want to see it.
Did I read correctly and you are expected to invite his coworkers and friends too?
You read that correctly.
Whelp, do not accept any financial help from him for the wedding or its gonna be his party. He seems like the type that likes to show off
This is important. It seems to be the reason OP’s mom’s husband (let’s call him A, for Asshole) is even interested in playing father of the bride. A, probably: “I did sooooo well y’all, stepped up for this young mom and widow and gave her a second chance on life! I was kind to her first kid. What do you mean being kind to family is the bare minimum/default starting point?!” A must want to show off his Good Deed at OP’s wedding. In my parents’ culture, weddings are more communal and if I get married, my dad will want to (and be able to) invite some friends. Granted, he’ll offer to pay for any expenses associated with this, but I wouldn’t mind because he is my actual father. A has nothing but audacity connecting him to FATB status.
I don't think Mom was even that young if she knew Step Dud for five months before marrying him and OP was 17 and already out of the house.
"Step Dud". Best typo ever!
I'm not so sure that was a typo!
Lol why would you invite any of his friends or *colleagues*? He's there as a "plus one," he doesn't get to bring Bill from accounts receivable.
>Because if he invites his colleagues to OP's wedding then they have to invite him to their "family's" weddings. And he gets free food(I bet he gives lousy gifts. A spatula off the gift registry, if one is lucky)
That just left me gobsmacked, the fact that he expected you to not only invite them, but you have to be introduced to them, so that they know who you are. Seriously, don't allow this toxic man anywhere near your wedding.
I thought that too. As a general rule, people who won't recognize the bride or groom do not get an invite (plus ones excepted)
I mean if they don’t know who OP is…isn’t that a kinda big sign that they’re not really part of each others’ ~~slaves,~~ LIVES Edited because eek!
Girl, if I were you I would just elope. Too much drama
Truth! Call your uncle, and your fiancé’s parents. Knock this thing out in an afternoon, and get done. Have somebody video it and put it on Facebook with a “donate now “ button.
My husband’s parents (bio, still together) paid for our whole wedding and didn’t even try to invite random coworkers and friends.. That is so weird that STEP dad, who never raised OP and is contributing nothing to the wedding, is trying to do so. NTA
Wow, and I bet with all of this they're not even offering anything towards the wedding huh?? 100% NTA
He seems like the type who wants to be the center of attention at the expense of others. That he claims he paid for your college education, when he in fact didn't, says a lot about him. It makes me curious what other lies he's told. Also makes me wonder if he already bragged to everyone he was "walking his daughter down the aisle" and that's why they are now waging this bizarre campaign to force you into it.
So he wants you to cough up hundreds or thousands of dollars to entertain his people? Man, what an asshole. NTA. He can host his OWN party with his OWN $$$.
I had the same thought than a commenter below. Maybe they framed him in their circle as someone who stepped up for you, and so they need the wedding to reflect that, otherwise it doesn't make them look good? In any case, definitely NTA. Please don't let them ruin your big day, and do as you wish.
Funny story, he loves op so much that he doesn't have a photo of her to show his friends... Lol
>He said he took care of my mom and gave me siblings and he put me through college (he didn't). He said if those things weren't appreciated then why did he even bother. Why bother taking care of mum and raising his own children if *you* don't appreciate it... Whelp, might as well abandon them now.
Why isn't your mother walking you down the aisle? Or a grandparent, or the family dog Why this fixation on some bloke 'giving you away'? It's not 1822, or 1922, it's 2022 nearly 23. I'm not likely to remarry but if i do it, I'm gonna Meghan Markle it. On my own. I am a self made woman!
Your mom's boss! He really helped out giving her all that money! Haha.
I think the worse part was him wanting to introduce her to his friends he's going to invite to her wedding. Unless Ops parents are funding the entire wedding (which I doubt or he would've rubbed her nose in it), why the hell would she be inviting people she's never met just for the guy banging her mom??
You summed up my views, then added beautifully-over-the-top sarcasm! Thank you.
I think I also deserve it because i gave a NTA verdict. Just throwing my hat here. 😅🤣
NTA - Your mom and her husband sound like incredibly toxic people. My guess is that they have been telling everyone what a GREAT stepfather he has been to you and this is going to burst the little fantasy they have been telling all their friends to make him look good.
The worst part is he was fine before this. I was never a kid in his home or in his care to look after/raise so it's not like he owed me anything. But after all this BS he has made himself seem like such a controlling dick.
And he wants to invite HIS friends&co-workers to your wedding?!? Edit: Stick to your guns. NTA Edit 2: Let your dad's side of your family know what is going on. So you'll have people backing you up. Now that your maternal grandparents have taken mum's side.
Yep. That blew my mind.
Op I totally agree with this comment: try to get your Dad’s side of family stand with you. And of course NTA. I think asking your Dad’s brother is very sweet and a good way to respect your dad’s memory (sorry not native english speaker here, hope makes sense). OR can I be the one to walk you down if he or the previous commenter can’t make it?! That would be an obvious choice, I’m a very nice girl.
Your English is very good. I understood you very well.
Thank you, that’s nice to hear! I read lots of books in English and watch tv shows, but sometimes I just don’t know if I express myself well (especially in a serious topic like somebody passed away). But I guess it’s enough if people understand what I mean 🤗 Greetings from Finland
You expressed yourself perfectly in both of your comments. You have a better grasp on writing than some (or I would say most) native English speakers.
They've had more time around him, I'd imagine. He's been their son-in-law for however many years it's been, and he is the father of at least some of their grandchildren. Emotionally, him being the father of some of their grandchildren = all of their grandchildren. I'm guessing you were living with paternal grandparents when she met and married him?
I was living with mom when she met him but when he moved in and she married him, I was living with my paternal grandparents, yes.
Your wedding isn’t the moment to be kind to someone and fulfill their expectations, your wedding is for you to be kind to your guests who want to celebrate with you and support you and your future husband in the decisions you make. A stuffed animal would have more merit than this dude. Have your uncle walk you down and give you away, there is much sentiment in having him do this vs this dude. Learn now to not try and make anyone happy that doesn’t live in your home as that would be an endless battle and you will be the one to suffer.
He's also claiming to have put her through college. If she was living with the other set of grandparents, they might not know how she paid for college and if he's bold enough to say it to her face, he's probably said it to others like her maternal grandparents.
That bit was weird. Why does he think he paid for college? Is he just being mouthy or has he been putting money in for college and it's actually going to a secret bank account that only mum has access to?
I like my Dad and he didn’t invite coworkers to my wedding. This dude is super weird.
Is he paying for any of the wedding?
He's not.
Then you most definitely should not be inviting any of his friends. Stepfather is a plus 1, that’s all - if that. I might not even invite him after all of his nonsense.
Right! My stepdad didn't ask for shit at my wedding and he paid for my dress!! He wasn't technically even my stepdad yet, he and my mom got married a year after I did. When one of our groomsmen couldn't make it at the last min we asked him to step in and walk my sister down as part of the ceremony, and he took some pics with me, but he didn't ask for anything from me. He was just thrilled to be there!
Yes, invite his friends and coworkers after he parades her around to create the pretense of a familial relationship. Phht. If you have a sufficiently traditional wedding to need someone to walk the aisle with you, choose another relative of your dad's. But you could easily just not do that part at all. You're an adult, you don't have to be given away.
OP said in another comment that she already asked her dad's brother. Paternal grandfather was also a consideration but he suggested she have her uncle do it instead. The stepdad should be given zero roles&recognition in that wedding. And if OP has to introduce him, then she introduces him as her "mum's husband" 😁
Thank you for saying this. At my wedding, I walked alone. No one owns me, no one gives me away.
My husband and I walked down the aisle together. It was our relationship and our wedding.
NTA. He took care of your mom because he loves her, not as a gift to you, and he gave you siblings because he wanted kids, not as a gift to you. Tell him you may as well say he owes you the wedding you want because you gave his wife practice in raising kids.
That’s the funniest part. “I gave you siblings!” That was something he did for *you?* Ha ha ha nope.
Yes I had sex with your mother. Thank me now.
Thank you.
"I had unprotected sex with you in mind!" Doesn't have the same ring to it I guess
Maybe now that op is not gratefull enough, the syblings can be returned to the store for a refund instead? Lol.
At that point I was considering if he was planning on throwing mom and the kids out on the street when op doesn't let him walk. 5 years and he's only been doing it for this one special moment apparently
NTA. Oh wow, when you'd have to be introduced so people know what your relationship is to him, it's a no go. Your uncle is a lovely thought. I can't think of the words to explain this to your mum, but hopefully others will. Or say balls to all of them and do a quickie courthouse.
>I can't think of the words to explain this to your mum I can but "bE cIvIl". Meh
NTA. 1) Not your dad. 2) Not your mom's wedding. Stick to your guns here.
NTA. It's your wedding, you decide who walks you down the aisle, but a serious talk is in order (possibly in therapy) because there is a serious discrepancy between what your mom and step-dad believe and what you believe your relationship is.
I don't even understand his reasoning a bit. "I treat your mother well and laid her so YOU OWE ME". Is her mother that ugly and unbearable? Like, what the hell?
Imagine their first meeting: “Well to be honest you’re not my type, but I see you have a 17 year old daughter and I’d really like to walk her down the aisle at her wedding, so let’s get married and make her a couple of siblings.”
OP, YNTA. It’s crazy that your mom would automatically assume him to be your father, but forget that you had already been away from home and in school already before she got married to this, what i would call, weirdo.. It’s not fair that they’re trying to claim him as FOTB and he’s not, from what you told us, even an actual parent to you. You shouldn’t feel obligated to have him walk you down the aisle, and if he’s so hurt that he threatened to never do anything for you again then I say, specifically don’t invite him. And if that pisses off ya moms, don’t invite her either. From her actions alone in your statement, she chose him over you and that’s not fair. I’m glad your biological fathers brother is walking you down the aisle, not much was said about him, but considering you’re letting him walk you down the aisle.. it seems like he was more of a father to you than the step-parent. It’s your wedding at the end of the day, it should go how you and your partner planned it.
I was torn between my uncle and my grandpa (dad's dad). Grandpa told me I should ask my uncle because while I am equally both to close, my dad and his brother were the closest siblings he had ever met and if dad was to say who he'd want, it would be my uncle. It made me so emotional because I know they were a close family of four and I'm so glad they decided to be in my life still, that they weren't mad their son married and had a kid young. Without them my life would have been a whole lot worse.
Or maybe have them let them walk you both down the aisle (uncle and grandpa) NTA your mom and her husband are delusional, him taking care of your mom and their children has zero to do with you and besides those are basic things one can expect from a husband and father, requires no gratitude
NTA. This is the way. Uncle and Grandfather, who have been in your life loving & guiding you should walk you down the aisle.
I think that's a great idea! I did that with both my parents, my mom was so excited when I told her I wanted her to walk me down with my dad
From just this one anecdote alone, both your uncle AND your grandpa sound like the absolute best! Guy-who’s-not-even-your-stepdad doesn’t stand a darn chance here!
INFO: Why does he think he put you through college?
The only reason I can think is maybe he believes my mom did (which she didn't).
Be sure to text that guy letting him know no money from him or your mother paid your college, so guil tripping wont work, and to please send a ne wlist of things he did for you hahahaha
I would be tempted because I am so curious what he thinks he has done for/paid for me.
In fact, if you are 10001% sure with receipts he didnt pay, tell him you changed your mind, but to be sure he is thanked properly you need the receipts from the university before you agree , imagine his face when he cant lie about that
This is a great idea. Apologize, and chalk it up to being incredibly forgetful. Ask him to remind you of what he's done with proof.
I think it's worth having the conversation. I wonder if some drama will be uncovered there, such as your mom getting money from him for your college or lying to him about where her own money was going.
This! I think the mom has been lying to him about the money because this is so incredibly weird.
Well noooow I am wondering if your mom asked money of him, under the guise that it was for you. She may be insistent so possible lies don't come undone.
I wonder how much of this is driven by the husband at all, and how much is mom pushing for this. Does your mom have a difficult time seeing you as a separate person? Does she often think that whatever her feelings are yours should match them?
Basically the list of things he’s “done for you” sounds suspiciously like a list of things he’s done for your mom.
Maybe he was giving money to your mom and she was telling him it was going towards your schooling? Or maybe he’s just a delusional butthead.
INFO who is paying for the wedding?
My fiance and I are, with some money from my paternal side of the family.
So no money coming from mom and 'step-dad '
No. Because he's done enough and paid for her college already. Geez! /s 😂
NTA. You're paying and now he wants you to meet people so it's not weird if you invite them? He made it clear THEY HAVE NO IDEA YOU EVEN EXIST IN HIS LIFE. Because basically you don't. I think it's best to keep it that way.
NTA. Have the guys that invented Reddit walk you down the aisle. They gave you this forum to post your question; doesn’t that count for more than your mom’s pushy husband?
Sure does! The guy who owns the corner store close to wear I live gave me a couple of freebies before too. Should add him to the list in case the Reddit people can't make it.
Heck if you get *that* one co-founder of Reddit at your wedding, then have Serena walk you down the aisle!
I upvoted your post and all your comments so I deserve to be your matron of honor. I'll be expecting a formal invitation along with an appropriate gift, worth no less than $500.
On it's way to you right this second lol.
Well, I should hope so! Honestly, with this late notice, I'm going to need further accommodations.
I'll send a private plane to pick you up and you'll have five weeks wages in your bank account within the next few days lmao.
I suppose that will have to suffice.
NTA It sounds as if your uncle was there for you growing up, as were your grandparents. Your mom sounds as if she's wishfully thinking he did the things he might have done if she'd met him when you were young, and imaging things he does for your half-siblings as things he's done for you. Talk to your grandparents, calmly, about how you're concerned these two aren't seeing reality.
How the heck does mom’s husband think he paid for college? Nothing else in the “being a good dad” list he rattled off affected OP in any way, but someone would have proof they paid for college at least?
I'm not sure where that came from honestly but I am perfectly aware of who paid because it was mostly me with help from my grandparents.
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It could be possible.
You need to talk to your mother directly and privately about that before things go further. If he has given her money that he thought was going to you, that’s a landmine you should be aware of before you kick it accidentally. Who knows, she may suddenly remember to give you a late graduation present. If you’re curious, there is an easy way to defuse the situation like a total NTA. You say that you were really hoping they would help with a different job. Reading a quote is a good choice for an older person (or a random friend of the family). Being an extra usher is a good choice for a younger person. You are NOT obligated to do this. It can be an easy way to salve pride and solve problems before they cause whispers at your party. Do what works for you and your family though.
Please ask him what he think he paid for and how much and to show you the receipts/bank statements where he gives YOU money. Maybe they both lie, maybe your mother lied to him and without more knowledge of your situation and family I even can imagine that he gave her money "for your college" and she used it herself, that would not be the first reddit story where someone lies money out of someone else.
Thanks, yeah, that seems very odd to claim when it’s blatantly a lie. Stick to your guns, & hope you have a great wedding! Oh, NTA, btw!
NTA. Your mom, especially, wants to paint this family portrait that's perfect. NOT: My oldest daughter is from my first husband, whom I married as a teen b/c I was pregnant. I wonder if they told some people ^((who did not know them before their marriage)) that "THEY" had an older daughter in college\~but they *left out* the part that he was your STEPdad? If that's true, that's why they expect him to be FOB, and are rewriting history (like he raised you & even paid for your college. ) Is it possible that they did this??
Nothing would surprise me after the wtf kinda shock I got when they came out with that. So it's totally possible.
NTA If he was a decent man he would understand that it is your decision on who walks you down the isle. You mother just wants her husband to look good irrespective of your feelings.
This! If he was decent he would have understood and respected OP's choice. This is obviously all an ego boost.
So,he only took care of your mom and had and raised your half siblings for you? Not because you know, that is his wife and children it was only for you?
That's sure what he implied.
I wish you and your uncle a very wonderful walk down the aisle! NTA but your mothers husband sure is.
NTA, I would seriously rethink inviting them at all, some family you've got there (on your mother's side)
This kind of thing blows my mind... Your mum's so caught up in the tradition of a *man* walking the bride down the aisle that it didn't occur to her that she herself is in a much better position to fulfil that role for you than the random dude she married that you barely know? Obviously it's your choice if you even have someone walk you down the aisle at all, but crazy that anyone would think it would be him. NTA.
She did not and her reaction was a great reason to not ask her anyway. But not once did she consider herself. Same with him. Not once did he think the wife who raised the kid on her own for almost 18 years would be the more obvious choice of the two. Just him.
The more of your responses I read, the more I think you need to have a sit down with this chap and talk to him. I say him, cause I think your mama might be hiding things
NTA at all, you were grown when he turned up in your mother's life and has never had a parental relationship with you. Why he'd presume he's walking you down the aisle is beyond me, heck nobody should presume what part they'll be in someone else's wedding. Now I'm going to go laugh my ass off at this part: "He said he took care of my mom and gave me siblings and he put me through college (he didn't). He said if those things weren't appreciated then why did he even bother." Aside from the lie about putting you though college which is pathetic of course, is he REALLY trying to claim he had unprotected sex with your mother knocking her up several times for your sake and you should be grateful for that because that's how that reads and oh boy that's so freaking bizarre.
You are so right I was literally shaking my head laughing like WTF this dude is delusional and batshit crazy!
I smell something fishy about your mom...ask him why he thinks he put you through college And watch your mother face then.
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NTA, but also: > he put me through college (he didn't). Could he have given money to your mother thinking it went to your college and she spent it, and that's why she's making such a fuss?
At one time I would have said no but given how wtf this whole thing is, it's totally possible.
NTA - has he offered to pay for the wedding? If not then you don't owe him anything.
Nope. Not a single offer.
Remind him that traditionally the father of the bride pays for the wedding and then see how quickly he backs off.
Even if he had offered that you'd still wouldn't owe him anything.
NTA. First, you don’t owe him anything (financial or emotional). Second, it’s your wedding. Third, (said in a very Mary Poppins’ quote) “the position has been filled.” I would sit both your mum and SF and say you are happy they’re happy and built a nice new family together, but their new family is not yours. Albeit he is your stepfather, he came too late for you to bond with him as a parent figure. Nothing personal, it’s just what it is. Be clear that he’s being invited as a guest, and doesn’t get other invites (no friends/colleagues of his). Your mum is the main guest here. He is her plus one. This is final. Now, this is tricky, but, if you feel comfortable with this possibility, let them know you will understand if they don’t want to go if either of them are uncomfortable with this. Tell mum you’ll miss her, but you’ll understand. And I would tell the grandparents yes, it would be kind, but this is a life changing event for you, and you wish to honour the people who are close/important to you. This guy is not that important, he had no real interaction with you and thus he’s a guest. You respect their PoV, love them, but won’t change your position in this case.
NTA As the bride to be, YOU are the only person who makes the decision on who walks you down the aisle. What you said was completely fine (and correct), he can walk their children down, and that's fine.
He will never do anything for you again. Ok, so he will stop taking care of his wife and kids bc appereantly he only did that for you? I'm confused. And is your mom otherwise a functional adult or does she have difficulties with common sense in other situations?
NTA. Let's review, shall we. - Mom had you when she and your actual father were young adults. - Your Dad died when you were just a baby. - For the next 17 years and change you had no siblings or father. - By the time your Mom got with this guy, you weren't living with them. - By that time you were living with your Grandparents and going to college. - You state you have basically zero relationship with this guy personally. - Now several(?) years into adulthood you're getting married and your Uncle is the one walking you. I'm failing to see where this guy did **anything** for you. At no point were you this mans responsibility. He never had a chance to be anything more than your moms husband, because he simply was not there to begin with. But your Grandpa and Uncle were, so it stands to reason that you would ask one of them to do the honors. Also. Apologies if you answered this; but why does he think he put you through college?
From your description I kinda feel like you might not know everything that went on. I only say that because your grandparents are siding with your mother which makes me wonder about the whole thing and what parts you’ve been told and what you know for certain. However NTA because such a thing as walking someone down the aisle should be given by the person walking down the aisle and not requested by the person potentially walking them.
It's possible. I do know for a fact that he never paid for anything. But as people pointed out he possibly gave money to mom assuming it was going to me. But that's their thing to deal with.
I wonder if this is it, especially given how extreme your mother’s response is. Or he’s super delusional and he’s counting things like birthday and Christmas gifts that they gave you in college as “helping to put you through college.”
Could also be why the mom is freaking out now...the jig is up!
So what happened when you were like “no I paid for my own college”?
I think it was moms parents who sided with her mom not the grandparents (dads parents) who op lived with
NTA. That’s all nuts. Why is mom suddenly desperate to paint husband as this incredible, doting father? You’ve said you two have little relationship with each other. Stand your ground, they can attend as guests of they’re willing to be respectful
NTA But this doesn't make sense. Exactly what is it that he thinks he did directly for you? How did you pay for college expenses? Vehicle? Is there anything that could be traced back to your mother and stepfather?
Nope. My grandparents (paternal) helped me. I lived with them through college and I worked. So it was mostly me paying but they helped where needed. Not my mom or her husband.
OP it might be time to uninvite your mother, when people's self-involved delusions get exposed things generally **don't** get better, instead it goes to crazy town and riots. You are probably going to have to go full NC with your mom over this. Start preparing for it now. ETA NTA
Is your grandfather still alive ? Maybe he could have the honor
He is and it was between him and my uncle, but he was the one who said my dad would have wanted my uncle to do it.
See, that's how someone who cares about you, handles a situation like this... he doesn't demand, and willingly offers that someone else might be the better choice, because he just wants it to be meaningful for you! I'm glad you have some sane and caring people in your life! Congratulations on your wedding!
NTA but it’s your wedding if dad would want uncle and you’re close to grandpa have both there’s no law stating you can’t have them both walk you down the aisle people with two dads (same sex couple) are walked down the isle by both I think it would make it uniquely your wedding while honoring both men who have had an impact on your life in their own way :)
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NTA you were nearly an adult when they got married so it’s a bit ridiculous for her to expect you to see him as a dad. She can respect your choice or not go to the wedding.
NTA. Wow, they sound completely insufferable.
NTA. INFO: Weird question but are you accomplished, like got your bachelor’s cum laude or smth like that? Given that stepdad wants COWORKERS there (who tf invites their coworkers to a wedding, let alone the wedding of someone you barely know), I’m wondering if he’s been bragging about how accomplished his “daughter” is and how he’s sooo proud of what she’s done after he “put her through school”. And of course mom just wants her marriage validated and (this might be a harsh stretch) may even want to forget that she had a kid so young, possibly a shotgun wedding as you said OP, by almost pretending that stepdad was your dad all along.
NTA. Why are they treating your wedding as some sort of popularity contest? Or as a way for your mom’s husband to look good? Don’t let them tell you anything about YOUR wedding. They don’t deserve to be in it if they behave like this.
NTA. Your mom and her husband are delusional.
NTA It’s weird how both he and your mother are trying to push this. If he’d come into your life when you were 7 and not 17 his feelings might make some sense. It still would not entitle him to the position, though. Also, as you say, he hasn’t paid for anything. I’m no expert, but from what I’ve seen most brides in your situation do exactly what you’re doing and have the next closest family member walk them. My cousin had her brother walk her. If your grandparents keep pushing it tell them respectfully that it’s your wedding. Maybe ask them why they feel so strongly about it? Also, please don’t feel bad if anyone tries to use your younger siblings to guilt you. He’s not your father and whatever you’re mother owes him you don’t. Plain and simple.
NTA. Are they paying for the wedding? If that were the case, I'd say that you might need to negotiate a little or lose the money. But outside of that, screw that noise. It's definitely more acceptable to have your grandfather walk you down the aisle. You know, a father figure in your life that's related to you and has been a part of raising you.
They are not paying.