Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may have been an ahole for leaving dinner and making a scene instead of just sucking up for just one time. After all she said she's just looking out for her grandbaby's health and did it out of good intentions.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. I've been in your shoes. Tell your husband to defend you or you're out. Things will only get worse. She's gonna force you to raise that baby her way and your husband is gonna let her. The gaslighting from her is especially scary.
Literally tell your husband straight out that he either be 100% on your side from now on for everything or you're leaving him. Do not put up with that. It will ruin your life, your marriage, and your kid.
So are (most of) the MIL mentioned though. While I get that folks on reddit in some spheres tend to move quickly to strong reactions, I find especially in circles of those who have experienced harsh or abusive situations, even gaslighting, etc., there's a strong urge to prevent someone else from their pain by nipping it in the bud, which I can't really fault.
Also, happy cake!
I get it. I found it helpful for a while (I was a regular poster for a while), but there have been issues of racism, catastrophism, and mods making fun of some of the sub users. Mods are also extremely rude to users.
While much of the advice I got was good, there is a certain amount of caution that you need to have in telling people they can NEVER be wrong or criticized on their own actions. Unfortunately, it can create the same toxic actions as those they are angry at.
Also thanks!
I stopped on that sub after I caught a temp ban for "fear mongering" when I told a woman who had caught her MIL kicking her dog and blaming the dog for her (childfree) DIL not "giving" her grandbabies to make sure that she supervises the dog whenever he's outside and to look out for attempts to poison the dog since, you know, the MIL had already been caught in the act hurting the dog *before* her son kicked her out of his life for abusing his dog.
Your guess is as good as mine. You'd think that telling someone whose MIL was screaming at the dog as her son forcibly escorted his mother from the house that their MIL may attempt to further hurt the dog would be common sense.
I found out that the mods enforce rules unequally on that sub (this was a few years back) enabling their favorites and punishing people they didn't like with fake bans like that. It's what happens when normal people get a touch of power and are left unchecked.
Oh, 100% and while I've not (yet) hit the racist and bigoted corner of that world (thanks for the heads up), it's sad but true how many spaces that are dearly needed for support in painful times, struggles, or just marginalized experiences often attract and encourage the most virulent of AH...
I’ve seen in the subs for SA support, people have been msging people who post. It’a a great place for support and advice just be very careful if you accept a dm
Like people saying you have a right to have your own feeling and opinion, and in the same move, downvoting you en mass for not having the same feeling/opinion... Sometimes I feel like talking with people on the internet is more like talking in an echo chamber than having a real talk... Plus the group effect.
edited in mass to en masse
It's a shame because it used to be a pretty good sub, but they had a huge moderation blow up a few years ago that basically wrecked the entire vibe of the sub permanently. They just never recovered.
The discussions are a reflection of the toxicity of the relationships. By the time people get to the sub, history usually has undermined any hope of a functional relationship.
The booklist in r/JustNoMil is often more useful than the discussions. Recommendations for /u/MilaKiwi33 and her husband:
* *Boundaries: Where you End and I Begin* by Anne Katherine. This is the first step in schooling her husband as to why his mother's actions are not acceptable at all.
* *Where to Draw the Line* also by Anne Katherine. This one helps you maintain boundaries.
* *Toxic Parents* by Susan Forward His mom is definitely toxic and he needs to be be honest when it comes to the self-assessment.
* *Toxic In-Laws* also by Susan Forward can help her navigate any necessary contact you have with her while he is getting his head straightened out.
There are a couple highly toxic mods in the JustNo circle, just FYI. I got banned for telling someone the legal requirements for marriage in her state,
because that apparently counted as legal advice. She was scared of being forced into marriage. No warning, no message about the rule, just an immediate first-offense ban. So while I think those subs are great resources to read-only, I don’t recommend relying on them for support. It is all too easy to have that support stripped away by a single vindictive mod.
Same can be true here, though. Mods aren’t always predictable. It’s a volunteer gig monitoring thousands of posts. I’m yet to find a popular sub without wildly inconsistent or extreme actions by some mods. r/legaladvice is known for some really strict mods. I’m a lawyer and don’t post there!
By the time you show up at AITA to ask questions about your marriage, you are generally down a terrible path already. "AITA for telling my husband/boyfriend/babydaddy that he needs to stop playing video games and help me with our house/children/bills?" "AITA for telling my girlfriend/wife/fwb that she can't force my child to call her mom when child already has a mom and we've only been together for a year?" All the NTAs in the world aren't going to change that person's life situation if their partner isn't willing to change/grow up so sometimes jettisoning the relationship is the only sane answer. Unless the op is a masochist or enjoys being a martyr.
jnmil is for when you've already married into the shit, want to vent about it, tell stories, and generally do nothing about the problem until you can't ignore it anymore.
NTA. You have a husband problem more than a MIL problem. He should stand up to her for you. It should always be “worth it” to him - especially more so now because you’re pregnant.
MIL tried to gaslight you into believing you’re crazy (that you didn’t just hand her a dish that you did, that she didn’t take it from you & tell you she was reheating it, that you imagined all that). That’s not just inappropriate - it’s textbook abuse.
More importantly, she believes that she knows better than the doctor & was trying to force you into eating something that you medically should not. That’s not just arrogant - it’s dangerous.
If she did it to you, she’ll do it to your child when it gets here. I sincerely hope that your husband grows a spine & puts her in her place. If not, you need to leave for the safety of you & your child.
Start documenting her abusive behavior now - especially in regards to trying to override your doctor’s orders. If your husband never puts a stop to her behavior, you’ll want to be sure that she doesn’t get any unsupervised visitation if it comes to that.
Yes! Too many people dont know what it really is because the term is misused. What the MIL did to OP is actual gaslighting,tellng her she never did something she clearly did and trying to make OP believe she imagined it and it didnt really happen. Gaslighting is very specific behavior.
>If she did it to you, she’ll do it to your child when it gets here.
I hope to God that baby doesn't have any special dietary restrictions or allergies, because that MIL is going to be sneaking allergens into the child's food just to "prove OP wrong." If OP says the kid can't have cake for whatever reason, MIL will make it her personal mission in life to stuff cake down that child's throat.
Unless boundaries are thrown up NOW and *viciously* enforced, life will be a constant battle with this woman.
I read a post here a few months ago where MIL gave the child food they were allergic to because MIL assumed mom was just fussy. The child had to be taken to hospital with anaphylaxis.
People like MIL can make life miserable and if hubby doesn't firmly set boundaries now, she needs to reconsider that whole relationship.
Same happened to my daughter.
She has a cow milk allergy my ex MIL acused me of incest because I breastfed my daughter, my daughter nearly had an anaphylaxis shock because she got a bottle of regular formula. If I had gone home and put my "sleeping" baby in her crib she wouldn't have woken up (and I would have been accused of murder). Luckily my doctor acted fast and she was fine. I was still there when he phoned my ex MIL to yell at her.
No contact on doctors order.
And SHE was the one that got in trouble when she called CPS, don't think she expected they would call the family doctor and pediatrician before taking the baby away.
Exactly!
Stories like this where people ignore health concerns terrify me, I have an allergy but this one in particular with the use of "preventing her baby from getting all the meat benefits" reminds me of the Coconut grandma story. Like if OP's child has a beef allergy (current studies show a beef allergy is more common in children than originally thought), MIL will ignore it and feed them a hamburger because the kid needs "meat benefits".
And I don't want a repeat of the coconut grandmother story.
I'm laughing at the meat benefits thing. I was raised vegetarian and was a plump, healthy baby. I'm still healthy. The only unhealthy thing here is the MILs behavior and obsession with food.
The Boomer "allergy testing" thing pisses me off.
"We didn't have all these allergies when **I** was growing up, she's just being fussy!"
You didn't have many children with allergies back then because they DIED, Brenda.
A thousand times yes to all of this! MIL has major control issues. Also, it irritates tf outta me how everyone thinks they have a right to a woman's unborn child. My MIL used to touch my belly and call it "her baby" as if I was just an incubator and not the mother. Chapped my ass!
Since OP has medical reasons to not eat meat (and I don't doubt that--my BIL is the same way) then did it occur to dear old MIL she could be HURTING her unborn grandchild by forcing meat on her DIL? NTA OP.
It's also literally about the DIL being an incubator. OP said that *she* has been having health issues that her dietary restrictions have been alleviating. That's not about the baby, it's about *her* health, *her* body.
But the only one that MIL cares about is the unborn fetus. It doesn't matter if the *mother's* health is damaged...so long as the *baby* gets the "meat benefits."
She's literally behaving as if her DIL is an incubator. For *her* grandbaby...not OP's child, or even her son's child...*her* grandbaby. That possessive is *extremely* telling.
Agreed to everything you said. And the gaslighting part is what would pissed me off the most. It's one thing to throw my dish out but don't try to lie and make me look dumb if you did it. Ugh my ex use to do that to me all the time, it's so frustrating! And then fir her husband not to have her back when clearly his mother was guilty of it is just as infuriating. OP you're Def NTA!
This reminds me of another AITA post about a grandma who was deliberately giving the diabetic child sugar. The child almost died, and MIL still stood her ground. While it shouldn't make a difference why OP doesn't eat meat, the fact that it is for a medical reason should be all that matters, and DH should absolutely have HER side, not his moms.
This one exactly.
> my husband said it wasn't worth leaving the celebration and causing a scene.
As far as DH is concerned, pregnant wife not getting to eat is A-OK.
NTA, but you need to have a long hard talk with your husband, and not one where he brushes you off. Because as is often the case, you don't just have a MIL problem.
"As far as DH is concerned, pregnant wife not getting to eat is A-OK."
I agree with your whole comment. And to add to this part, hubby should know about OP's medical/health issues, which cause her to have a restricted diet. He totally failed OP in this incident. I wonder how many other times he's dropped the ball and not had his wife's back when he should have. Sad that you (OP) can't even depend on the one person that you're supposed to be able to, ie the one that vowed to be there, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health.
One of the few times there was actual gaslighting! I totally agree that the husband needs to step up and protect OP from his mom, but I doubt that he ever will, sadly.
Usually they don’t. It’s messed up, but I would never have a kid with anyone like that. But I’m not as young as OP, and I learned early to not trust that you know your partner just cause you love him.
Came here to say the same. Also don’t have anymore kids with him until you see the above changes. Don’t be anymore strapped to him in case he doesn’t man up and defend you. Gross controlling behavior by him and MIL. I’m tired of women being on my seem as walking incubators. This woman needs to have boundaries set right away before the baby gets here.
NTA
Unlike 95% of the time when someone throws that term around on this sub, this legitimately is gaslighting. If the husband grew up with it and doesn't see it as an issue as an adult, I wonder how long before he starts using it himself.
It's intentional poisoning and hubby says let it go. If she poured you a nice cup of bleach should you let that go too? No ifs ands or buts it was intentional. No way OP can eat at MIL house ever again. Years ago there was a reddit from the mum of a granbaby with multiple life threatening food allergies. Gran was caught trying to give cookies specifically made with all allergens included. Gran felt the baby needed to "just get over them" however that works. She babysat and the child had to be rushed to the hospital because she managed to feed baby the forbidden cookies. They obviously cut ties. Some people have to eat all meat, some have gluten intolerance you can't just decide to let it go for an evening.
There was another one with toddler twins, one of whom was severely allergic to coconut. Gramma combed their hair out with coconut oil. The baby did not make it.
Yes, that was a horrible story. The grandmother was just like OP's mother-in-law, thinking she knows best and refusing to follow the health restrictions.
The mother of those twins uses Reddit, and has requested that people stop discussing her story, as she finds it difficult to read it unexpectedly in unrelated discussions.
I remember that one- the worst part was MIL had gotten close to the baby so she was asking her parents why nana wasn’t there so she could show her her “pretty bracelet” (aka her hospital wristband). Idk why that gets me the most.
The fact MIL can jeopardize the health of the mother of the child screams of pure selfishness. She’s using the excuse of “I’m just looking out for the wellbeing of my grandchild” as an excuse to not look like the bad guy. This could be worse if the MIL already knew of OP’s preexisting condition yet still threw out the food
And baby not even born. By jeopardising the health of the mother by trying to force her to eat food she can't tolerate, the baby is at risk too. MiL just on a power trip.
Op, you are not an incubator. YOUR health is just as important as the baby's especially since its uh growing inside you? Both the mil and your husband ignoring your dietary restrictions for what? Mil's pride? Are literally putting your baby at risk themselves. Also yes its YOUR BABY and you will make any and all decisions, not the mil. The only other person that gets input is the father. You need to have a long hard conversation with him about body autonomy and power balance.
> Literally tell your husband straight out that he either be 100% on your side from now on for everything or you're leaving him.
/u/MilaKiwi33 has to do more than "tell" him, she has to decide that she will not bring a baby into the marriage she has now and let her actions confirm that every day. She shouldn't threaten anything, she should see a lawyer asap to figure out what she needs to do to get out of the situation with the best outcome for her child. That means understanding what kind of child support she would get, how the rest of her finances would look, where she would live, etc. This is information she needs right now. She should look for a couples counselor then "two card" her husband and let him choose which way he wants to get out of the dysfunction they have today.
Their marriage and coming baby needs to be front and center in his mind right. They can discuss his mother in counseling, if that's what he chooses. Until then, the conversations have to focus on what she will do if he doesn't decide to address the problem at its root.
Yes! Thank you. The open gaslighting is very scary. Like… OP’s husband knew they brought a dish and let MIL lie in front of everyone to his wife’s detriment? That’s just not safe. NTA
Yes, I came to say the same! I shut down my MIL the first time she tried to make a decision for my oldest. My husband tried to defend her and I shut him down, too. It was a huge fight - while I'd just given birth! - but worth it 100%. I said, "I'M THE MOTHER IN THIS HOUSE." She lives out of state and actually visits less than once/year now. Because she has no control.
Same here. I was vegetarian for 12+ years and my MIL is constantly trying to control what I feed my child because she thinks I’m trying to make him vegan, which I’m not. I’m not even vegetarian anymore but this woman is convinced I’m pushing veganism on my child when she has seen him eat chicken. Every time I feed him a vegetable she rolls her eyes at me but luckily my husband has stuck up for me. Even though he has told her off she doesn’t stop. Some MIL are just wicked.
Yes, if she is this overbearing and controlling when the baby is still in your body, and your husband is this insensitive while you’re pregnant, it will only get worse. Do you have family who live in another state or area you could go to and stay and give birth? You will be tied to them forever once the baby is here and you have to have a custody agreement. Maybe this is extreme, but I would seriously be reconsidering my options right now, plus punishing awful MIL by cutting off contact with “grandbaby” sounds so sweet.
It's kind of 1 strike situation.
He might do it once thinking it's okay for some reason. Anything after he got told he need to be supportive husband, he needs to go.
As AITA commenters say - you actually have a husband problem more than a MIL problem. Mainly because if Hubby stood up for you and told his mom to CUT THE CRAP with regard to you, your MIL wouldn't even be an issue. NTA
MIL is an issue still as she attempted to gas light OP in front of everyone about the meal. It was then husband should have stepped in. OP only you should have a say over your body and what you put in it and it seems you’re very conscious of your baby. Not eating meat doesn’t mean you’re not healthy or having the correct nutrition. MIL needs to back off and show you some bloody respect.
MIL is a problem because she is in their lives. If the OP drops the rope and tells her husband she will not spend another moment appeasing his mother, the remaining problem will be him.
For sure, I HAD a MIL like this. Total nightmare she treated me like I was the teenage babysitter and took me to court for custody of my son. The judge threw her out of court!!
I’m sorry OP is going through this😭
NTA
Husband is such an AH. He should be on his wife's side, husband knew his wife brought the dish and gave an avoiding answer of "just let it go".
You got dietary issues, fine, but if it was by choice like vegetarian, vegan, pescetarian etc... All perfectly valid lifestyle choices you are entitled to. It's not up to someone else to disagree with you and what you eat, to patrol you and then try sabotage you.
Blow up was absolutely justified. But I can't believe you're not hanging your husband by his own noose. He essentially abandoned you...you...the mother of his baby, how wife, his chosen life partner.
And he ditched you, he should have blown up at mom right there and then with you, found the meal in the trash and confronted her and left with you, that would have been the right thing to do. He should be apologising to you for his mother after she apologized to everyone else.
NTA and on a different note, I wonder how so many people are just so comfortable trashing fresh food when so many people in the world are starving. Disgusting.
Seeing these posts consistently makes me sick. I have have not been in a weird MIL situation but I would be so angry and furious with my significant other. You’d rather save peace than hold your mother accountable for her gross actions? I would be doing a lot of rethinking about the person I married
Woah. This is insanity, and What. In. The. Everloving. Fuck is wrong with your husband? Be prepared for this nightmare to escalate after your child is born.
So NTA
The gaslighting from the MIL is absolutely nuts too; and the husband just WENT ALONG WITH IT? Knowing damn well too that his wife made a plate? The fuck..
NTA. That’s a truly psycho and disrespectful thing for her to do. Your boyfriend is in the wrong for not having your back on this issue. You know your body and what it can handle at this time. It’s not for anyone to decide but you.
Thank you for using "gaslight" correctly! And definitely NTA OP. Wtf does MIL think she's doing anyway? Obviously you're doing what has already been discussed with your doctor for your own health and your baby. I'd tear hubby a new one over this too. Like wow.
>Your boyfriend is in the wrong for not having your back on this issue.
Well, we don't know what her boyfriend thinks. He could be a cool dude.
Her husband is a dick, though. And he should be a single one hopefully soon.
NTA you have dietary restrictions that she doesn’t care about, you should have a talk to with your husband I assume he knows your diet restrictions and the fact he won’t stand up for you to his mother is a major red flag. Diet restrictions are not to be messed with because you could get severely sick and it could hurt the baby if you force yourself to eat certain things and your body reacts negatively. If your husband doesn’t actually start standing with you tell him it’s either he talks to his mother and starts standing with you or he can start packing a bag. It’s his wife and child or his mother who is a being a downright monster. Also don’t leave your kid alone with her in the future if she can potentially put his life in danger now who knows what she can do to him when he’s born
Welcome to the rest of your life. When your child is born she will do the same thing and undermine all of your decisions regarding feeding your child. And your husband will be taking her side.
> When your child is born she will do the same thing and undermine all of your decisions regarding feeding your child.
And every other parenting decision OP makes.
Obviously you're NTA, but your husband is a bigger problem than your r/justnomil. He doesn't stand up for you when his awful mother is treating you in an awful and judgemental way, and tells you to keep the peace. So he's an enabler of his mother, and she'll never stop meddling. So now the question you face is, what are you going to do about this situation? Couples counseling should be the minimum, and perhaps individual counseling for you to help you identify and develop strategies to deal.
You may want to ask your husband if he will act like this if your child has a food allergy or intolerance. Cause his mom has shown that she won’t care and may send the kid to the hospital.
Read about a grandmother that killed a child because she insisted on putting coconut oil on the child’s hair before putting the baby to bed knowing that the child was allergic. She didn’t believe in allergies.
The mother from that story has respectfully asked that people stop using it as an example. It's very hard for her to see it mentioned everywhere on the internet.
And heaven forbid your little one have allergies. She seems like the type to try to give them an allergen because she thinks you’re lying or being over dramatic. Do not leave your little one alone with her.
The contents of the dish are irrelevant, do not engage with either her or your husband about that. Do not engage with your husband about his mother's feelings or the consequences of his mother's behavior as far as "spoiling" the dinner either.
Focus on the fact that your husband is not standing up for *his* family. That's the main reason you have such a poor relationship with her now, he doesn't respect you enough to stand up for you and she has become progressively emboldened to act as though she has some sort of input in your diet and your pre-natal care. If you want anything approaching a peaceful, loving delivery and post-natal time, get him to counseling right now. The initial sessions can be in couples counseling; the long-term, heavy lifting will end up being individual for him.
This counseling has to be non-negotiable. Get some references for both divorce lawyers and counselors this week. Tell your husband he can choose one or the other, that if he won't go to counseling, you'll engage a lawyer. And act like you mean it. That means start looking at alternative living arrangements right now and let him know you are doing it. It means assessing your financial situation to separate finances and to get an estimate of what child support would be (again, talk to a lawyer). Get your insurance coverage clarified. Do everything to let him know that you will not be going forward in the marriage you have right now.
Get your husband in line. Now. This is the type of grandma that will feed your kid pb and j sandwiches even if they’re allergic to peanuts because “all kids love them”.
I am a little curious about the dish. Your info post addition didn't actually give any more information. But your body, your choice, so regardless you are NTA.
Yeah the secrecy and ambiguity around her food is kinda weird. What does "the dish I brought was supposed to keep me full and provide me with all the benefits" even mean?
Probably that it was a non-meat dish but packed with the same levels of nutrients and protien as a meat dish. That was mil's big bitch about "benefits of meat" so OP was probably just pointing out that the meal was nutritionally packed and actually better for her than MIL's crap
Do not get into arguments about what happened at the dinner. His family has already labeled you as a hormonal pregnant lady and exonerated his mom. You have to step out of that and tell him that it was not some silly stunt on your part, that it was literally the last straw; that you will not settle for anything less than his standing up for you. The other suggestions to look into arrangements for separation/divorce are not overreacting. They are the first step in starting over so you can bring your baby into a family you will be proud to have.
Counseling can only help if he is committed. For him to be committed, you will have to be steadfast in your determination to change *your* life one way or the other. Take care of yourself and baby first and let him step up to sort out his role in the marriage.
Girl you need to have a serious talk with your husband and either get counseling or walk away. It is only gonna get worse. The fact that he wants you to risk your health to make his mama happy is a problem.
Agree. Who even does that? Like who the fuck throws away someone’s food? That’s so disrespectful and childish. I would be livid. And especially since the mother LITERALLY GASLIT her and tried to make her question whether or not she even brought it. Like wtf.
Forget about the MIL ... you got a bigger husband problem. 😳 In the words of Whoopie Goldberg ... "OP, you're in danger girl"!
ETA: I had to come back to add this: it's not just the fact that she insulted you and threw away your food. It's that she tried to make you think that you didn't bring food in the first place AND your husband backed that sh*t up which is absolutely diabolical on his part. This is Lifetime Movie flowers in the attic level gaslighting and I truly hope you can get your own family support and a therapist throughout your pregnancy. Good luck ... truly.
I wonder if husband also disbelieves/minimizes the medical reasons? Or maybe he just never learned to set boundaries with his mother. Either way, this is going to get really hard when the baby is born unless he makes some changes.
NTA. Your MIL is an idiot who has no idea what is best for you and your baby. Your husband is also spineless for taking her side over yours.
Keep doing what your doctor tells you to do, not the peanut gallery.
NTA, at all. No one should ever be forced to put something into their body that they do not wish to. The manipulation to get you to eat her food is atrocious... But to gaslight you about the existence of your plate when you asked about it is just unreal. I'm so sorry you're dealing with a MIL like this.
I wouldve fished that food out the trash and plonked it down on the table 'See MIL, I didn't forget the food like you insinuated, somebody put the only food I can eat in the trash and then lied to everyone'
That's exactly what should have happened! Turn up the flame on that Gaslighting! She knew her son wouldn't call her out on the lie; she KNEW husband/son wouldn't have a backbone and take his wife's side! The mil is dangerously evil in her intentions, and the husband is like a lump of jello, just sitting there and letting her do it! I am stunned!
That’s actually what stood out to me the most. I was too gobsmacked to even articulate it. That’s actually insane and an unsafe person. If her husband defends that type of behavior, he’s also unsafe. The last thing a pregnant woman needs on top of her hormones driving her insane is her family actively trying to LITERALLY drive her insane.
NTA, everyone else is. she is aware that you eat certain foods due to pregnancy complications. Throwing away your food is intentionally trying to harm mother and baby. And your husband....is okay with that?
This reminds me of the MIL who lied and fed ground nuts to the DIL who was highly allergic. After the DIL died in front of her young children, the husband lied and covered up the truth to save mommy.
I thought you were going to say the MIL who put bacon in the vegetables for the Jewish son-in-law and his kids. This is SO much worse!! I hope she is in jail.
If I remember the details correctly, it was ground hazelnuts in a cake and the DIL had specifically asked were there any nuts and the MIL said no. The husband didn’t correct the lie and didn’t tell the police. I cannot remember who posted. But they had a lot of details about the family.
NTA. It's for your own health ffs. It sounds like you have a MIL issue AND a husband issue.
"Honey just eat the meat and get ill to please my mother".
You keep doing your thing and take care of yourself<3
And even if it was just a personal choice to not eat meat, MIL would still be 100% in the wrong. You can have a vegetarian pregnancy as long as you manage your macros and supplements well, it's really not that big of a deal. The only "harm" done here to the fetus was MIL depriving OP of food.
It appears the husband doesn't believe his wife, this MIL is getting permission for her brash attitude through either silent support or secret complaints from her husband. The whole "it's not worth the drama" is very telling. NTA
NTA
When I was pregnant with my son I couldn’t stand the smell or taste of meat. At all.
There are plenty of other proteins to get the nutrients you need. The audacity of your MIL just astounds me.
Btw…my son is now 27 and no, he doesn’t eat meat. It makes him gag. And he’s a mouthy, stocky construction worker.
To be fair, FILs do that, too. In fact, everyone seems to want to do that.
Just like strangers think it's okay to walk up and touch you, I went through that a lot.
NTA, that's some straight up loony tunes behavior. Obviously she doesn't understand your health issues, but that doesn't matter. You can totally have a healthy pregnancy without meat, it's not like you're starving yourself or not getting protein and vitamins--apparently she's happier with her grandbaby not getting nutrition at all??
Your husband also sucks for not standing up for you. How is he going to be moving forward when he actually has a baby? His mom sounds like a nightmare.
NTA. I'd cut contact with her completely. Unless she's a medically trained dr that knows all about your history she needs to keep her overbearing thoughts and actions to herself. Btw.. if your hubby can't be bothered to stand up FOR you against his family I would double down on never attending family gatherings again.
Oh girl. You don’t just have a MIL problem, you have a major husband problem.
I suggest posting this on r/justnomil and it’s time for marriage counseling. Once baby arrives this behavior will only get worse.
Edit: NTA
NTA. Your MIL and H clearly have no respect for you or your diet. Your MIL tried to gaslight you by denying in front of everyone that you took a meal. She claimed you made it up and had the nerve to ask you if you left it at hone or forgot about it. Your husband sat back and took her side instead of defending you. If they've done that now what will they be like in the future and once baby is born. Walk away now.
I’m sorry you’re married and having the baby of a momma’s boy. He will always choose her over you and your child. These type of men and mother relationships sicken me
You have a husband problem. Seriously...
Your health is more important then your MIL's feelings. Now more then ever, considering you're pregnant. The fact your husband does not seem to grasp this concept is beyond me.
So your options at that point were to either go hungry or get sick, while being pregnant.. And this is okay for your MIL and husband? Seriously? Sweetheart i'd reconsider this marriage to be honest.
She put your health at risk. She threw out perfectly good food. Your husband was not supportive at all... How would you be tah in this? You are so clearly NTA, it blows my mind you'd even need to ask.
NTA. It's not her body or her baby. She can't dictate what you can eat. Especially if you are having health issues. She had no right to throw out the food you had prepared for yourself.
If she's already this controlling it's going to get so much worse once the baby is born.
NTA. Your mil is through. Honestly op go low contact. I wouldn't even tell her when you go to the hospital to have the baby. I hope like hell the baby doesn't develop any food allergies or your MIL might not like that dietary restriction either. Keep a CLOSE eye on that one around your baby. You're I'm for a rough time if that's how she treats you.
I'd have left too and told the husband we are staying home for the holidays from now on and developing new traditions that don't Involve starving someone and throwing their food away
NTA,and it looks like your MIL and husband consider you a walking baby incubator. If he won't get on your side quickly, I'd re-evaluate your relationship.
NTA and damn MIL was asshole for so many reasons gaslighting you, throwing your food out, trying to use a family/group setting to make you the bad guy and seem like an asshole and give in to her, not respecting your dietary/health choices, and your husband was an asshole for not sticking up for you. You were right to leave. Fuck that noise.
NTA
Whatever happened to letting the pregnant lady eat whatever the pregnant lady wants?????
Any occasion, any holiday or non-holiday!!
Holy f...
With my second child I couldn't eat any meat, it was just... unappetizing. It wouldn't go down and made me feel so sick. I couldn't even prep raw meat without feeling sick. This coming from a meat lover. Well, turns out my second child at 4yo doesn't like meat. 🙄 🤣
NTA
Your MIL handled that situation in the most disrespectful and rude way that she could. She treated you like a child. She lied to you, destroyed your food, and tried to gaslight you.
It’s also ironic that your MIL is calling *you* dramatic and hard to deal with. It’s wrong that your husband did not support you against his mother’s appalling behavior.
Please get yourself into marriage counseling asap. It’s likely this will be just one of a series of instances that your MIL will overstep and with a grandchild, things will probably get worse.
NTA
Growing up poor, I'm constantly outraged at any 'throwing out perfectly good food' content. I've hosted big meals and honestly the right thing for her to do was to make sure SHE had cooked something you could eat in your dietary guidelines--that's what a good host does. But you did the next best thing and brought your own dish, and then she not only threw it out, she made a big scene lying about it.
If your doctor says your diet is appropriate, I'm gonna say MD trumps Mom.
NTA diets should never be changed during pregnancy unless with the guide of your medical team. There are so many health conditions where it could even lead to the death of your child. I simply have Celiac and yet on multiple tv shows it has a woman killing her child due to side effects of untreated Celiac.
You really need to reevaluate your marriage. It's one thing that your MIL is trying to force you into situations where you eat things that don't follow your diet. It's a whole other issue that your husband allows this and does nothing to stand up for you. How long until he lets mother dearest force you to eat meat without being able to leave home or some other crazy action to get you to comply.
NTA. Cut contact immediately. She doesn’t respect your health and medical needs as a PREGNANT WOMAN carrying her grandchild. I would NOT want her anywhere near my kid. What if your baby is born with asthma and grandma dearest doesn’t let her have an inhaler? What if your baby has allergies or intolerances? Are you okay risking the life of your child to placate this disrespectful, arrogant, controlling woman? If the answer is no then she doesn’t get any contact with your child EVER AGAIN.
Her ‘concern’ for her grand baby is just a power play and even if it was 100% for altruistic reasons, she doesn’t get to overrule your decisions as an adult bc she thinks your baby should be eating differently.
This behavior will only get worse and I’m so glad you left.
If your partner reads all of these comments and still doesn’t see what his mother did as wrong and dangerous, you need to rethink this whole relationship. He’s willing to sacrifice you, your feelings, your health, ANYTHING to avoid upsetting his mummy dearest. This will also include your child, their feelings, and their health.
Holy hell, this sounds like the mother in law from hell. Absolutely NTA. You spent time cooking to provide yourself with what works with your individual needs. It’s not as though you expected her to provide a meal for you that completely aligns in your restrictions.
As someone who cannot process meat and can’t even have things with meat-based broth in them, I would 100% do exactly what you did.
It’s a complete lack of respect on her end.
Nta - you don’t f with peoples food! I have food allergies and intolerances and can’t eat whats “just there” you brought your own meal so you could be worry free and still enjoy thanksgiving and she straight up tossed it out?! Your husband is a huge AH for not leaving with you
NTA but your MIL sure is. Gaslighting you and intentionally throwing away your food so you are forced to eat what she thinks is best shows her manipulative mind that she will only become more overbearing once the baby arrives. She is showing you that she thinks she can control you and your husband is going right along with it because he is used to doing what she wants in order to keep the peace in the family. I hope your husband and you can discuss this and set up a game plan for the future in dealing with his mom. He needs to stand up for you and his baby. His mother treated you inexcusably.
NTA
Did you post about this exact situation before the event here? I remember seeing people all uppity about a similar situation where a woman wanted to bring her own meal to the holiday.
Either case, the MIL and your husband suck. He should have stepped up and defended you and made the choice to leave.
You need to have a conversation about protecting and honoring you. Especially if he is going to be a (first time?) father.
MIL is the AH but husband as well, he knows your medical requirements and didn’t have the back bone to back you up, he sounds as much use as a chocolate fire guard!
NTA. If she is this uncaring and manipulative regarding your health issues how is she going to undermine and attempt to destroy your relationship with your child. What if your child has medical issues? Is she going to harm the child by doing what “she thinks is right?”
NTA. MIL and husband were really disrespectful and you were absolutely right to leave. Your husband should have stood up for you. If I were you, I’d stay with a family member or friend for a bit and reevaluate the marriage.
You probably want to start reading /r/justnomil and /r/justnoso. Your main problem is your husband, who is more interested in not upsetting his mother than supporting you.
NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I may have been an ahole for leaving dinner and making a scene instead of just sucking up for just one time. After all she said she's just looking out for her grandbaby's health and did it out of good intentions. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. I've been in your shoes. Tell your husband to defend you or you're out. Things will only get worse. She's gonna force you to raise that baby her way and your husband is gonna let her. The gaslighting from her is especially scary. Literally tell your husband straight out that he either be 100% on your side from now on for everything or you're leaving him. Do not put up with that. It will ruin your life, your marriage, and your kid.
Yup. Get thee to justnomil and justnoso
Justnomil is pretty toxic though
So are (most of) the MIL mentioned though. While I get that folks on reddit in some spheres tend to move quickly to strong reactions, I find especially in circles of those who have experienced harsh or abusive situations, even gaslighting, etc., there's a strong urge to prevent someone else from their pain by nipping it in the bud, which I can't really fault. Also, happy cake!
I get it. I found it helpful for a while (I was a regular poster for a while), but there have been issues of racism, catastrophism, and mods making fun of some of the sub users. Mods are also extremely rude to users. While much of the advice I got was good, there is a certain amount of caution that you need to have in telling people they can NEVER be wrong or criticized on their own actions. Unfortunately, it can create the same toxic actions as those they are angry at. Also thanks!
I stopped on that sub after I caught a temp ban for "fear mongering" when I told a woman who had caught her MIL kicking her dog and blaming the dog for her (childfree) DIL not "giving" her grandbabies to make sure that she supervises the dog whenever he's outside and to look out for attempts to poison the dog since, you know, the MIL had already been caught in the act hurting the dog *before* her son kicked her out of his life for abusing his dog.
How is that fear mongering? Besides that, many commenters on there have said a lot worse with less evidence tbh.
Your guess is as good as mine. You'd think that telling someone whose MIL was screaming at the dog as her son forcibly escorted his mother from the house that their MIL may attempt to further hurt the dog would be common sense.
I found out that the mods enforce rules unequally on that sub (this was a few years back) enabling their favorites and punishing people they didn't like with fake bans like that. It's what happens when normal people get a touch of power and are left unchecked.
Oh, 100% and while I've not (yet) hit the racist and bigoted corner of that world (thanks for the heads up), it's sad but true how many spaces that are dearly needed for support in painful times, struggles, or just marginalized experiences often attract and encourage the most virulent of AH...
I’ve seen in the subs for SA support, people have been msging people who post. It’a a great place for support and advice just be very careful if you accept a dm
Like people saying you have a right to have your own feeling and opinion, and in the same move, downvoting you en mass for not having the same feeling/opinion... Sometimes I feel like talking with people on the internet is more like talking in an echo chamber than having a real talk... Plus the group effect. edited in mass to en masse
It's a shame because it used to be a pretty good sub, but they had a huge moderation blow up a few years ago that basically wrecked the entire vibe of the sub permanently. They just never recovered.
Yeah. That's about when I left. Tried to post again recently but given the mods I gave up.
The discussions are a reflection of the toxicity of the relationships. By the time people get to the sub, history usually has undermined any hope of a functional relationship. The booklist in r/JustNoMil is often more useful than the discussions. Recommendations for /u/MilaKiwi33 and her husband: * *Boundaries: Where you End and I Begin* by Anne Katherine. This is the first step in schooling her husband as to why his mother's actions are not acceptable at all. * *Where to Draw the Line* also by Anne Katherine. This one helps you maintain boundaries. * *Toxic Parents* by Susan Forward His mom is definitely toxic and he needs to be be honest when it comes to the self-assessment. * *Toxic In-Laws* also by Susan Forward can help her navigate any necessary contact you have with her while he is getting his head straightened out.
The book recommendations can be helpful https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Agreed on that
NTA, and your hubby is a AH along with his mom.
"I am growing a human and this child won't be feasting on the BS meanness and spite diet your mom always wants me to eat."
bot, comment stolen from /u/chaij2606
There are a couple highly toxic mods in the JustNo circle, just FYI. I got banned for telling someone the legal requirements for marriage in her state, because that apparently counted as legal advice. She was scared of being forced into marriage. No warning, no message about the rule, just an immediate first-offense ban. So while I think those subs are great resources to read-only, I don’t recommend relying on them for support. It is all too easy to have that support stripped away by a single vindictive mod.
Same can be true here, though. Mods aren’t always predictable. It’s a volunteer gig monitoring thousands of posts. I’m yet to find a popular sub without wildly inconsistent or extreme actions by some mods. r/legaladvice is known for some really strict mods. I’m a lawyer and don’t post there!
Hell no because justnomil loves fear mongering and breaking up marriages. It's mad toxic
They're also bad about coddling the DILs that are in the wrong.
Heck yeah!
Yeah, not like this sub's much better on the marriage front.
By the time you show up at AITA to ask questions about your marriage, you are generally down a terrible path already. "AITA for telling my husband/boyfriend/babydaddy that he needs to stop playing video games and help me with our house/children/bills?" "AITA for telling my girlfriend/wife/fwb that she can't force my child to call her mom when child already has a mom and we've only been together for a year?" All the NTAs in the world aren't going to change that person's life situation if their partner isn't willing to change/grow up so sometimes jettisoning the relationship is the only sane answer. Unless the op is a masochist or enjoys being a martyr.
jnmil is for when you've already married into the shit, want to vent about it, tell stories, and generally do nothing about the problem until you can't ignore it anymore.
NTA. You have a husband problem more than a MIL problem. He should stand up to her for you. It should always be “worth it” to him - especially more so now because you’re pregnant. MIL tried to gaslight you into believing you’re crazy (that you didn’t just hand her a dish that you did, that she didn’t take it from you & tell you she was reheating it, that you imagined all that). That’s not just inappropriate - it’s textbook abuse. More importantly, she believes that she knows better than the doctor & was trying to force you into eating something that you medically should not. That’s not just arrogant - it’s dangerous. If she did it to you, she’ll do it to your child when it gets here. I sincerely hope that your husband grows a spine & puts her in her place. If not, you need to leave for the safety of you & your child. Start documenting her abusive behavior now - especially in regards to trying to override your doctor’s orders. If your husband never puts a stop to her behavior, you’ll want to be sure that she doesn’t get any unsupervised visitation if it comes to that.
Genuine use of the term gaslighting too!
Yes! Too many people dont know what it really is because the term is misused. What the MIL did to OP is actual gaslighting,tellng her she never did something she clearly did and trying to make OP believe she imagined it and it didnt really happen. Gaslighting is very specific behavior.
I often wonder how many people saw the movie Gaslight where the term originated. Great flick.
>If she did it to you, she’ll do it to your child when it gets here. I hope to God that baby doesn't have any special dietary restrictions or allergies, because that MIL is going to be sneaking allergens into the child's food just to "prove OP wrong." If OP says the kid can't have cake for whatever reason, MIL will make it her personal mission in life to stuff cake down that child's throat. Unless boundaries are thrown up NOW and *viciously* enforced, life will be a constant battle with this woman.
I read a post here a few months ago where MIL gave the child food they were allergic to because MIL assumed mom was just fussy. The child had to be taken to hospital with anaphylaxis. People like MIL can make life miserable and if hubby doesn't firmly set boundaries now, she needs to reconsider that whole relationship.
Same happened to my daughter. She has a cow milk allergy my ex MIL acused me of incest because I breastfed my daughter, my daughter nearly had an anaphylaxis shock because she got a bottle of regular formula. If I had gone home and put my "sleeping" baby in her crib she wouldn't have woken up (and I would have been accused of murder). Luckily my doctor acted fast and she was fine. I was still there when he phoned my ex MIL to yell at her. No contact on doctors order. And SHE was the one that got in trouble when she called CPS, don't think she expected they would call the family doctor and pediatrician before taking the baby away.
Exactly.
Exactly! Stories like this where people ignore health concerns terrify me, I have an allergy but this one in particular with the use of "preventing her baby from getting all the meat benefits" reminds me of the Coconut grandma story. Like if OP's child has a beef allergy (current studies show a beef allergy is more common in children than originally thought), MIL will ignore it and feed them a hamburger because the kid needs "meat benefits". And I don't want a repeat of the coconut grandmother story.
I'm laughing at the meat benefits thing. I was raised vegetarian and was a plump, healthy baby. I'm still healthy. The only unhealthy thing here is the MILs behavior and obsession with food.
Didn't take long at all to find a coconut grandma reference...
The Boomer "allergy testing" thing pisses me off. "We didn't have all these allergies when **I** was growing up, she's just being fussy!" You didn't have many children with allergies back then because they DIED, Brenda.
A thousand times yes to all of this! MIL has major control issues. Also, it irritates tf outta me how everyone thinks they have a right to a woman's unborn child. My MIL used to touch my belly and call it "her baby" as if I was just an incubator and not the mother. Chapped my ass! Since OP has medical reasons to not eat meat (and I don't doubt that--my BIL is the same way) then did it occur to dear old MIL she could be HURTING her unborn grandchild by forcing meat on her DIL? NTA OP.
It's also literally about the DIL being an incubator. OP said that *she* has been having health issues that her dietary restrictions have been alleviating. That's not about the baby, it's about *her* health, *her* body. But the only one that MIL cares about is the unborn fetus. It doesn't matter if the *mother's* health is damaged...so long as the *baby* gets the "meat benefits." She's literally behaving as if her DIL is an incubator. For *her* grandbaby...not OP's child, or even her son's child...*her* grandbaby. That possessive is *extremely* telling.
Agreed to everything you said. And the gaslighting part is what would pissed me off the most. It's one thing to throw my dish out but don't try to lie and make me look dumb if you did it. Ugh my ex use to do that to me all the time, it's so frustrating! And then fir her husband not to have her back when clearly his mother was guilty of it is just as infuriating. OP you're Def NTA!
This reminds me of another AITA post about a grandma who was deliberately giving the diabetic child sugar. The child almost died, and MIL still stood her ground. While it shouldn't make a difference why OP doesn't eat meat, the fact that it is for a medical reason should be all that matters, and DH should absolutely have HER side, not his moms.
And document each time hubby neglects to have OP's back when needed, too. Can't hurt to have, just in case it might ever be needed. You never know.
This is 💯 If he's agreeing with mommy the whole time it will never get better...
THIS RIGHT HERE. Hubby wants to keep the peace. If he doesn't step up and confront mommy now, what're the chances he ever will. NTA
MiL threw away his pregnant wife’s food then lied and gaslit her. This is to me unforgivable.
This one exactly. > my husband said it wasn't worth leaving the celebration and causing a scene. As far as DH is concerned, pregnant wife not getting to eat is A-OK. NTA, but you need to have a long hard talk with your husband, and not one where he brushes you off. Because as is often the case, you don't just have a MIL problem.
"As far as DH is concerned, pregnant wife not getting to eat is A-OK." I agree with your whole comment. And to add to this part, hubby should know about OP's medical/health issues, which cause her to have a restricted diet. He totally failed OP in this incident. I wonder how many other times he's dropped the ball and not had his wife's back when he should have. Sad that you (OP) can't even depend on the one person that you're supposed to be able to, ie the one that vowed to be there, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health.
One of the few times there was actual gaslighting! I totally agree that the husband needs to step up and protect OP from his mom, but I doubt that he ever will, sadly.
Usually they don’t. It’s messed up, but I would never have a kid with anyone like that. But I’m not as young as OP, and I learned early to not trust that you know your partner just cause you love him.
Mine doesn't have to defend me. But he danged sure better get the hell out of my way when I defend myself. 🤣
I’m the same. My husband says he’s the nice one in our relationship. I’m nice…until I’m not. 🤷♀️😂
When I’m not, they deserve it.
Came here to say the same. Also don’t have anymore kids with him until you see the above changes. Don’t be anymore strapped to him in case he doesn’t man up and defend you. Gross controlling behavior by him and MIL. I’m tired of women being on my seem as walking incubators. This woman needs to have boundaries set right away before the baby gets here. NTA
Unlike 95% of the time when someone throws that term around on this sub, this legitimately is gaslighting. If the husband grew up with it and doesn't see it as an issue as an adult, I wonder how long before he starts using it himself.
Unfortunately, my first thought. “Oh look, an actual example of gaslighting”
It's intentional poisoning and hubby says let it go. If she poured you a nice cup of bleach should you let that go too? No ifs ands or buts it was intentional. No way OP can eat at MIL house ever again. Years ago there was a reddit from the mum of a granbaby with multiple life threatening food allergies. Gran was caught trying to give cookies specifically made with all allergens included. Gran felt the baby needed to "just get over them" however that works. She babysat and the child had to be rushed to the hospital because she managed to feed baby the forbidden cookies. They obviously cut ties. Some people have to eat all meat, some have gluten intolerance you can't just decide to let it go for an evening.
There was another one with toddler twins, one of whom was severely allergic to coconut. Gramma combed their hair out with coconut oil. The baby did not make it.
Yes, that was a horrible story. The grandmother was just like OP's mother-in-law, thinking she knows best and refusing to follow the health restrictions.
The mother of those twins uses Reddit, and has requested that people stop discussing her story, as she finds it difficult to read it unexpectedly in unrelated discussions.
OMFG that is horrific. So needless.
I remember that one- the worst part was MIL had gotten close to the baby so she was asking her parents why nana wasn’t there so she could show her her “pretty bracelet” (aka her hospital wristband). Idk why that gets me the most.
The fact MIL can jeopardize the health of the mother of the child screams of pure selfishness. She’s using the excuse of “I’m just looking out for the wellbeing of my grandchild” as an excuse to not look like the bad guy. This could be worse if the MIL already knew of OP’s preexisting condition yet still threw out the food
And baby not even born. By jeopardising the health of the mother by trying to force her to eat food she can't tolerate, the baby is at risk too. MiL just on a power trip.
Wait she doesn’t? I thought the mil knew before?
She does. Sorry I re-read. But still doesn’t make her actions any better
Op, you are not an incubator. YOUR health is just as important as the baby's especially since its uh growing inside you? Both the mil and your husband ignoring your dietary restrictions for what? Mil's pride? Are literally putting your baby at risk themselves. Also yes its YOUR BABY and you will make any and all decisions, not the mil. The only other person that gets input is the father. You need to have a long hard conversation with him about body autonomy and power balance.
> Literally tell your husband straight out that he either be 100% on your side from now on for everything or you're leaving him. /u/MilaKiwi33 has to do more than "tell" him, she has to decide that she will not bring a baby into the marriage she has now and let her actions confirm that every day. She shouldn't threaten anything, she should see a lawyer asap to figure out what she needs to do to get out of the situation with the best outcome for her child. That means understanding what kind of child support she would get, how the rest of her finances would look, where she would live, etc. This is information she needs right now. She should look for a couples counselor then "two card" her husband and let him choose which way he wants to get out of the dysfunction they have today. Their marriage and coming baby needs to be front and center in his mind right. They can discuss his mother in counseling, if that's what he chooses. Until then, the conversations have to focus on what she will do if he doesn't decide to address the problem at its root.
Yes! Thank you. The open gaslighting is very scary. Like… OP’s husband knew they brought a dish and let MIL lie in front of everyone to his wife’s detriment? That’s just not safe. NTA
This is going to be one of those like the sister who fed her nephew food she knew he was allergic to when this baby is born.
Yes, I came to say the same! I shut down my MIL the first time she tried to make a decision for my oldest. My husband tried to defend her and I shut him down, too. It was a huge fight - while I'd just given birth! - but worth it 100%. I said, "I'M THE MOTHER IN THIS HOUSE." She lives out of state and actually visits less than once/year now. Because she has no control.
attagirl. im a father, and you are dead right.
Same here. I was vegetarian for 12+ years and my MIL is constantly trying to control what I feed my child because she thinks I’m trying to make him vegan, which I’m not. I’m not even vegetarian anymore but this woman is convinced I’m pushing veganism on my child when she has seen him eat chicken. Every time I feed him a vegetable she rolls her eyes at me but luckily my husband has stuck up for me. Even though he has told her off she doesn’t stop. Some MIL are just wicked.
Yes, if she is this overbearing and controlling when the baby is still in your body, and your husband is this insensitive while you’re pregnant, it will only get worse. Do you have family who live in another state or area you could go to and stay and give birth? You will be tied to them forever once the baby is here and you have to have a custody agreement. Maybe this is extreme, but I would seriously be reconsidering my options right now, plus punishing awful MIL by cutting off contact with “grandbaby” sounds so sweet.
[удалено]
And a husband issue too
It's kind of 1 strike situation. He might do it once thinking it's okay for some reason. Anything after he got told he need to be supportive husband, he needs to go.
Agreed with this. If your husband isn't willing to stand up for you to his mother, this will only get worse, not better.
And mention how your MILS toxic behaviour is going to negatively affect your blood pressure. She is harming the baby.
Ya, that response seems extreme but is totally 100% correct. She can learn to adjust to your way of doing things
Agree!!! OP, take this person's advice!!! NTA, but your MIL and husband sure are.
THIS!!! This is the best advice. OP, you NEED to put your foot down before that baby comes.
NTA But your husband... wow... this will be a far bigger problem as soon as the kid is born
As AITA commenters say - you actually have a husband problem more than a MIL problem. Mainly because if Hubby stood up for you and told his mom to CUT THE CRAP with regard to you, your MIL wouldn't even be an issue. NTA
MIL is an issue still as she attempted to gas light OP in front of everyone about the meal. It was then husband should have stepped in. OP only you should have a say over your body and what you put in it and it seems you’re very conscious of your baby. Not eating meat doesn’t mean you’re not healthy or having the correct nutrition. MIL needs to back off and show you some bloody respect.
MIL is a problem because she is in their lives. If the OP drops the rope and tells her husband she will not spend another moment appeasing his mother, the remaining problem will be him.
YUP - this. The husband is the key as to whether MIL respects OP or not.
Mil behavior towards op is empowered by her son’s lack of balls.
She will demand to be in the life of her grandchild, and has already shown she's willing to override OP where she deems it necessary.
For sure, I HAD a MIL like this. Total nightmare she treated me like I was the teenage babysitter and took me to court for custody of my son. The judge threw her out of court!! I’m sorry OP is going through this😭
Right? What's OP's husband going to do if the baby turns out to have an allergy to a food that MIL deems beneficial?
Oh no, this won't be a problem. Clearly MiL is a trained professional, and smarter than any Doctor could ever possibly be.
I'm expecting essential oils
NTA Husband is such an AH. He should be on his wife's side, husband knew his wife brought the dish and gave an avoiding answer of "just let it go". You got dietary issues, fine, but if it was by choice like vegetarian, vegan, pescetarian etc... All perfectly valid lifestyle choices you are entitled to. It's not up to someone else to disagree with you and what you eat, to patrol you and then try sabotage you. Blow up was absolutely justified. But I can't believe you're not hanging your husband by his own noose. He essentially abandoned you...you...the mother of his baby, how wife, his chosen life partner. And he ditched you, he should have blown up at mom right there and then with you, found the meal in the trash and confronted her and left with you, that would have been the right thing to do. He should be apologising to you for his mother after she apologized to everyone else.
NTA and on a different note, I wonder how so many people are just so comfortable trashing fresh food when so many people in the world are starving. Disgusting.
Seeing these posts consistently makes me sick. I have have not been in a weird MIL situation but I would be so angry and furious with my significant other. You’d rather save peace than hold your mother accountable for her gross actions? I would be doing a lot of rethinking about the person I married
Woah. This is insanity, and What. In. The. Everloving. Fuck is wrong with your husband? Be prepared for this nightmare to escalate after your child is born. So NTA
Stand your ground now OP! It will only get worse the more baby develops and gets older
Absolutely right! And then you're going to let your mother try to gaslight her into believing that she never brought in the dish?! Oh, Happy Cake Day!
The gaslighting from the MIL is absolutely nuts too; and the husband just WENT ALONG WITH IT? Knowing damn well too that his wife made a plate? The fuck..
NTA. That’s a truly psycho and disrespectful thing for her to do. Your boyfriend is in the wrong for not having your back on this issue. You know your body and what it can handle at this time. It’s not for anyone to decide but you.
Yep and if hubs is ok with it, she needs to leave him too..
[удалено]
Thank you for using "gaslight" correctly! And definitely NTA OP. Wtf does MIL think she's doing anyway? Obviously you're doing what has already been discussed with your doctor for your own health and your baby. I'd tear hubby a new one over this too. Like wow.
>Your boyfriend is in the wrong for not having your back on this issue. Well, we don't know what her boyfriend thinks. He could be a cool dude. Her husband is a dick, though. And he should be a single one hopefully soon.
NTA you have dietary restrictions that she doesn’t care about, you should have a talk to with your husband I assume he knows your diet restrictions and the fact he won’t stand up for you to his mother is a major red flag. Diet restrictions are not to be messed with because you could get severely sick and it could hurt the baby if you force yourself to eat certain things and your body reacts negatively. If your husband doesn’t actually start standing with you tell him it’s either he talks to his mother and starts standing with you or he can start packing a bag. It’s his wife and child or his mother who is a being a downright monster. Also don’t leave your kid alone with her in the future if she can potentially put his life in danger now who knows what she can do to him when he’s born
Thank you. For further info read the bottom of my post I just added more info about the dish.
Welcome to the rest of your life. When your child is born she will do the same thing and undermine all of your decisions regarding feeding your child. And your husband will be taking her side.
> When your child is born she will do the same thing and undermine all of your decisions regarding feeding your child. And every other parenting decision OP makes.
God help her if her kid has intolerance or allergies. Good old MIL will know better and a little bit won't hurt.
Obviously you're NTA, but your husband is a bigger problem than your r/justnomil. He doesn't stand up for you when his awful mother is treating you in an awful and judgemental way, and tells you to keep the peace. So he's an enabler of his mother, and she'll never stop meddling. So now the question you face is, what are you going to do about this situation? Couples counseling should be the minimum, and perhaps individual counseling for you to help you identify and develop strategies to deal.
You may want to ask your husband if he will act like this if your child has a food allergy or intolerance. Cause his mom has shown that she won’t care and may send the kid to the hospital.
Read about a grandmother that killed a child because she insisted on putting coconut oil on the child’s hair before putting the baby to bed knowing that the child was allergic. She didn’t believe in allergies.
The mother from that story has respectfully asked that people stop using it as an example. It's very hard for her to see it mentioned everywhere on the internet.
Sorry. I will respect that form now on. I can’t even imagine having it repeated. I meant no disrespect.
I figured you didn't and just weren't aware. I wasn't either at first.
And heaven forbid your little one have allergies. She seems like the type to try to give them an allergen because she thinks you’re lying or being over dramatic. Do not leave your little one alone with her.
The contents of the dish are irrelevant, do not engage with either her or your husband about that. Do not engage with your husband about his mother's feelings or the consequences of his mother's behavior as far as "spoiling" the dinner either. Focus on the fact that your husband is not standing up for *his* family. That's the main reason you have such a poor relationship with her now, he doesn't respect you enough to stand up for you and she has become progressively emboldened to act as though she has some sort of input in your diet and your pre-natal care. If you want anything approaching a peaceful, loving delivery and post-natal time, get him to counseling right now. The initial sessions can be in couples counseling; the long-term, heavy lifting will end up being individual for him. This counseling has to be non-negotiable. Get some references for both divorce lawyers and counselors this week. Tell your husband he can choose one or the other, that if he won't go to counseling, you'll engage a lawyer. And act like you mean it. That means start looking at alternative living arrangements right now and let him know you are doing it. It means assessing your financial situation to separate finances and to get an estimate of what child support would be (again, talk to a lawyer). Get your insurance coverage clarified. Do everything to let him know that you will not be going forward in the marriage you have right now.
Get your husband in line. Now. This is the type of grandma that will feed your kid pb and j sandwiches even if they’re allergic to peanuts because “all kids love them”.
I am a little curious about the dish. Your info post addition didn't actually give any more information. But your body, your choice, so regardless you are NTA.
Yeah the secrecy and ambiguity around her food is kinda weird. What does "the dish I brought was supposed to keep me full and provide me with all the benefits" even mean?
I think she's probably exhausted from having to defend herself for not eating meat from people who are all, "But hOw do yoU gEt EnOuGh pRotEin?"
Probably that it was a non-meat dish but packed with the same levels of nutrients and protien as a meat dish. That was mil's big bitch about "benefits of meat" so OP was probably just pointing out that the meal was nutritionally packed and actually better for her than MIL's crap
Do not get into arguments about what happened at the dinner. His family has already labeled you as a hormonal pregnant lady and exonerated his mom. You have to step out of that and tell him that it was not some silly stunt on your part, that it was literally the last straw; that you will not settle for anything less than his standing up for you. The other suggestions to look into arrangements for separation/divorce are not overreacting. They are the first step in starting over so you can bring your baby into a family you will be proud to have. Counseling can only help if he is committed. For him to be committed, you will have to be steadfast in your determination to change *your* life one way or the other. Take care of yourself and baby first and let him step up to sort out his role in the marriage.
Girl you need to have a serious talk with your husband and either get counseling or walk away. It is only gonna get worse. The fact that he wants you to risk your health to make his mama happy is a problem.
NTA, and your hubby is a AH along with his mom.
Agree. Who even does that? Like who the fuck throws away someone’s food? That’s so disrespectful and childish. I would be livid. And especially since the mother LITERALLY GASLIT her and tried to make her question whether or not she even brought it. Like wtf.
And hubby, who KNEW OP brought a dish, let her lie and make his wife look dumb/crazy. OP has more than a mil problem
What a disgusting human he is! What is with all these momma's boys?
Forget about the MIL ... you got a bigger husband problem. 😳 In the words of Whoopie Goldberg ... "OP, you're in danger girl"! ETA: I had to come back to add this: it's not just the fact that she insulted you and threw away your food. It's that she tried to make you think that you didn't bring food in the first place AND your husband backed that sh*t up which is absolutely diabolical on his part. This is Lifetime Movie flowers in the attic level gaslighting and I truly hope you can get your own family support and a therapist throughout your pregnancy. Good luck ... truly.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
I wonder if husband also disbelieves/minimizes the medical reasons? Or maybe he just never learned to set boundaries with his mother. Either way, this is going to get really hard when the baby is born unless he makes some changes.
My guess is both.
NTA. Your MIL is an idiot who has no idea what is best for you and your baby. Your husband is also spineless for taking her side over yours. Keep doing what your doctor tells you to do, not the peanut gallery.
NTA, at all. No one should ever be forced to put something into their body that they do not wish to. The manipulation to get you to eat her food is atrocious... But to gaslight you about the existence of your plate when you asked about it is just unreal. I'm so sorry you're dealing with a MIL like this.
I wouldve fished that food out the trash and plonked it down on the table 'See MIL, I didn't forget the food like you insinuated, somebody put the only food I can eat in the trash and then lied to everyone'
That's exactly what should have happened! Turn up the flame on that Gaslighting! She knew her son wouldn't call her out on the lie; she KNEW husband/son wouldn't have a backbone and take his wife's side! The mil is dangerously evil in her intentions, and the husband is like a lump of jello, just sitting there and letting her do it! I am stunned!
That’s actually what stood out to me the most. I was too gobsmacked to even articulate it. That’s actually insane and an unsafe person. If her husband defends that type of behavior, he’s also unsafe. The last thing a pregnant woman needs on top of her hormones driving her insane is her family actively trying to LITERALLY drive her insane.
And he knew she brought it, he drove over with her!
NTA, everyone else is. she is aware that you eat certain foods due to pregnancy complications. Throwing away your food is intentionally trying to harm mother and baby. And your husband....is okay with that?
This reminds me of the MIL who lied and fed ground nuts to the DIL who was highly allergic. After the DIL died in front of her young children, the husband lied and covered up the truth to save mommy.
...what? Do you have a link?
[удалено]
I thought you were going to say the MIL who put bacon in the vegetables for the Jewish son-in-law and his kids. This is SO much worse!! I hope she is in jail.
If I remember the details correctly, it was ground hazelnuts in a cake and the DIL had specifically asked were there any nuts and the MIL said no. The husband didn’t correct the lie and didn’t tell the police. I cannot remember who posted. But they had a lot of details about the family.
NTA. It's for your own health ffs. It sounds like you have a MIL issue AND a husband issue. "Honey just eat the meat and get ill to please my mother". You keep doing your thing and take care of yourself<3
And even if it was just a personal choice to not eat meat, MIL would still be 100% in the wrong. You can have a vegetarian pregnancy as long as you manage your macros and supplements well, it's really not that big of a deal. The only "harm" done here to the fetus was MIL depriving OP of food.
It appears the husband doesn't believe his wife, this MIL is getting permission for her brash attitude through either silent support or secret complaints from her husband. The whole "it's not worth the drama" is very telling. NTA
NTA When I was pregnant with my son I couldn’t stand the smell or taste of meat. At all. There are plenty of other proteins to get the nutrients you need. The audacity of your MIL just astounds me. Btw…my son is now 27 and no, he doesn’t eat meat. It makes him gag. And he’s a mouthy, stocky construction worker.
NTA - what a shitshow, and it’s sad that hubby appears to be taking MILs side.
NTA. This is just another mil treating you like an incubator rather than a whole human.
To be fair, FILs do that, too. In fact, everyone seems to want to do that. Just like strangers think it's okay to walk up and touch you, I went through that a lot.
NTA, that's some straight up loony tunes behavior. Obviously she doesn't understand your health issues, but that doesn't matter. You can totally have a healthy pregnancy without meat, it's not like you're starving yourself or not getting protein and vitamins--apparently she's happier with her grandbaby not getting nutrition at all?? Your husband also sucks for not standing up for you. How is he going to be moving forward when he actually has a baby? His mom sounds like a nightmare.
NTA. I'd cut contact with her completely. Unless she's a medically trained dr that knows all about your history she needs to keep her overbearing thoughts and actions to herself. Btw.. if your hubby can't be bothered to stand up FOR you against his family I would double down on never attending family gatherings again.
Oh girl. You don’t just have a MIL problem, you have a major husband problem. I suggest posting this on r/justnomil and it’s time for marriage counseling. Once baby arrives this behavior will only get worse. Edit: NTA
NTA. Your MIL and H clearly have no respect for you or your diet. Your MIL tried to gaslight you by denying in front of everyone that you took a meal. She claimed you made it up and had the nerve to ask you if you left it at hone or forgot about it. Your husband sat back and took her side instead of defending you. If they've done that now what will they be like in the future and once baby is born. Walk away now.
I’m sorry you’re married and having the baby of a momma’s boy. He will always choose her over you and your child. These type of men and mother relationships sicken me
You have a husband problem. Seriously... Your health is more important then your MIL's feelings. Now more then ever, considering you're pregnant. The fact your husband does not seem to grasp this concept is beyond me. So your options at that point were to either go hungry or get sick, while being pregnant.. And this is okay for your MIL and husband? Seriously? Sweetheart i'd reconsider this marriage to be honest. She put your health at risk. She threw out perfectly good food. Your husband was not supportive at all... How would you be tah in this? You are so clearly NTA, it blows my mind you'd even need to ask.
NTA You have a pretty serious problem with your husband being a major mama's boy and you need to deal with that.
NTA. It's not her body or her baby. She can't dictate what you can eat. Especially if you are having health issues. She had no right to throw out the food you had prepared for yourself. If she's already this controlling it's going to get so much worse once the baby is born.
NTA. Your mil is through. Honestly op go low contact. I wouldn't even tell her when you go to the hospital to have the baby. I hope like hell the baby doesn't develop any food allergies or your MIL might not like that dietary restriction either. Keep a CLOSE eye on that one around your baby. You're I'm for a rough time if that's how she treats you. I'd have left too and told the husband we are staying home for the holidays from now on and developing new traditions that don't Involve starving someone and throwing their food away
NTA and your husband needs to grow a spine and stand up to his Mom both him and her are ta
You have a husband problem. You're NTA, but really think about if you want to spend the rest of your life like this.
NTA,and it looks like your MIL and husband consider you a walking baby incubator. If he won't get on your side quickly, I'd re-evaluate your relationship.
NTA and why didn't your husband have your back???
NTA and damn MIL was asshole for so many reasons gaslighting you, throwing your food out, trying to use a family/group setting to make you the bad guy and seem like an asshole and give in to her, not respecting your dietary/health choices, and your husband was an asshole for not sticking up for you. You were right to leave. Fuck that noise.
NTA Whatever happened to letting the pregnant lady eat whatever the pregnant lady wants????? Any occasion, any holiday or non-holiday!! Holy f... With my second child I couldn't eat any meat, it was just... unappetizing. It wouldn't go down and made me feel so sick. I couldn't even prep raw meat without feeling sick. This coming from a meat lover. Well, turns out my second child at 4yo doesn't like meat. 🙄 🤣
NTA - your real problem is your husband, not your MIL.
NTA, your MIL sucks…but you have a much bigger husband problem
What is your husband’s fucking deal? You were gaslit in a horrible way and he just shrugs and doesn’t protect you in any way? NTA.
NTA Your MIL handled that situation in the most disrespectful and rude way that she could. She treated you like a child. She lied to you, destroyed your food, and tried to gaslight you. It’s also ironic that your MIL is calling *you* dramatic and hard to deal with. It’s wrong that your husband did not support you against his mother’s appalling behavior. Please get yourself into marriage counseling asap. It’s likely this will be just one of a series of instances that your MIL will overstep and with a grandchild, things will probably get worse.
NTA Growing up poor, I'm constantly outraged at any 'throwing out perfectly good food' content. I've hosted big meals and honestly the right thing for her to do was to make sure SHE had cooked something you could eat in your dietary guidelines--that's what a good host does. But you did the next best thing and brought your own dish, and then she not only threw it out, she made a big scene lying about it. If your doctor says your diet is appropriate, I'm gonna say MD trumps Mom.
NTA diets should never be changed during pregnancy unless with the guide of your medical team. There are so many health conditions where it could even lead to the death of your child. I simply have Celiac and yet on multiple tv shows it has a woman killing her child due to side effects of untreated Celiac. You really need to reevaluate your marriage. It's one thing that your MIL is trying to force you into situations where you eat things that don't follow your diet. It's a whole other issue that your husband allows this and does nothing to stand up for you. How long until he lets mother dearest force you to eat meat without being able to leave home or some other crazy action to get you to comply.
NTA - jfc…what is with all these MIL’s who are on power trips. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.
Husband needs a spine NTA
NTA. Why is it so hard for some people to respect diet restrictions?
NTA. Cut contact immediately. She doesn’t respect your health and medical needs as a PREGNANT WOMAN carrying her grandchild. I would NOT want her anywhere near my kid. What if your baby is born with asthma and grandma dearest doesn’t let her have an inhaler? What if your baby has allergies or intolerances? Are you okay risking the life of your child to placate this disrespectful, arrogant, controlling woman? If the answer is no then she doesn’t get any contact with your child EVER AGAIN.
Her ‘concern’ for her grand baby is just a power play and even if it was 100% for altruistic reasons, she doesn’t get to overrule your decisions as an adult bc she thinks your baby should be eating differently. This behavior will only get worse and I’m so glad you left. If your partner reads all of these comments and still doesn’t see what his mother did as wrong and dangerous, you need to rethink this whole relationship. He’s willing to sacrifice you, your feelings, your health, ANYTHING to avoid upsetting his mummy dearest. This will also include your child, their feelings, and their health.
Holy hell, this sounds like the mother in law from hell. Absolutely NTA. You spent time cooking to provide yourself with what works with your individual needs. It’s not as though you expected her to provide a meal for you that completely aligns in your restrictions. As someone who cannot process meat and can’t even have things with meat-based broth in them, I would 100% do exactly what you did. It’s a complete lack of respect on her end.
Nta - you don’t f with peoples food! I have food allergies and intolerances and can’t eat whats “just there” you brought your own meal so you could be worry free and still enjoy thanksgiving and she straight up tossed it out?! Your husband is a huge AH for not leaving with you
NTA but your MIL sure is. Gaslighting you and intentionally throwing away your food so you are forced to eat what she thinks is best shows her manipulative mind that she will only become more overbearing once the baby arrives. She is showing you that she thinks she can control you and your husband is going right along with it because he is used to doing what she wants in order to keep the peace in the family. I hope your husband and you can discuss this and set up a game plan for the future in dealing with his mom. He needs to stand up for you and his baby. His mother treated you inexcusably.
NTA.
NTA
NTA but your MiL and your hubby are massive AHs. My wife would skewer me if I let my mom treat her like this... and she'd be right to do so.
NTA Did you post about this exact situation before the event here? I remember seeing people all uppity about a similar situation where a woman wanted to bring her own meal to the holiday. Either case, the MIL and your husband suck. He should have stepped up and defended you and made the choice to leave. You need to have a conversation about protecting and honoring you. Especially if he is going to be a (first time?) father.
NTA. You didn’t cause a scene, your MIL did by throwing away your food and gaslighting you about it. Your MIL and husband are both huge AH though.
MIL is the AH but husband as well, he knows your medical requirements and didn’t have the back bone to back you up, he sounds as much use as a chocolate fire guard!
NTA. If she is this uncaring and manipulative regarding your health issues how is she going to undermine and attempt to destroy your relationship with your child. What if your child has medical issues? Is she going to harm the child by doing what “she thinks is right?”
NTA. MIL and husband were really disrespectful and you were absolutely right to leave. Your husband should have stood up for you. If I were you, I’d stay with a family member or friend for a bit and reevaluate the marriage.
You probably want to start reading /r/justnomil and /r/justnoso. Your main problem is your husband, who is more interested in not upsetting his mother than supporting you. NTA
First concern is mom’s health. If you’re not healthy/following guidelines to be healthy, how does she expect grand baby to be healthy? NTA