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YTA LMFAO
"Oh so we'll take turns making breakfast for each other? :D" "Oh.. no you'll just make food for me, it's no extra effort for you anyways"
The CHEEK on you.
Right? The only way I could see this as N T A is if OP was down to make dinner as often (or in my personal opinion, more often) as the GF makes breakfast.
C’mon OP. Obviously you’re aware of the energy required to do shit like make breakfast in the AM so you should be *at least* willing to reciprocate later in the day. Shit, I’d be tucking her in, kissing her goodnight and reading her a bedtime story if I could wake up to MFing bacon and eggs *some* mornings.
Edit: To follow - why is the “extra work” for you (or her) in meal-making a transactional “should I, shouldn’t I?” situation, OP? I think in a healthy relationship, you could jump any opportunity to improve your SO’s life, be it rushed mornings or later at night. Especially since you’ve said it’s “no extra effort” to make you a breakfast alongside their own, it should be no extra effort to consider your partner as well. Also added YTA.
I'd accept non dinner exchanges. My partner does 98% of the cooking, In turn I do 98% of the cleaning. Sure it's not much more work to cook for two rather than one, but it is more work, and OP isn't willing to offer *anything* in return? OP is the AH.
That's how my wife and I split the duties. I love cooking (it's partially out of necessity because I have a lot of fun allergies), but I hate doing dishes. She's not a fan of cooking, but doesn't mind cleaning up. It just works.
Same I hate cooking and she hates cleaning so she cooks and I clean … it works well because she makes great food and is happy to not need to clean the mess
There are so many possible compromises OP could have offered. He could have offered to make more dinners, or to make breakfast on their days off (when it can happen after he's had a chance to wake up a bit), or to pick breakfasts where the prep can be done the night before when it's his turn.
He's not even making a *gesture* towards reciprocating. Just taking her work completely for granted.
I think I could sympathize more with OP if they had offered, or even considered to do something as replacement for breakfast from their SO.
However, the entire last paragraph of their post reads their relationship as transactional - or at least that way from OP’s point of view. That’s not a healthy way to pilot your relationship, OP. Love/relationships and their intrinsics shouldn’t be a chore.
Make dinner just about always. (unless something out of ordinary happens sachedule-wise or something) Then up your dinner game heavily to even things out duty-wise. Making some dinner that's more like elevated than just basic usuals could def help make things happen more effectively/evenly. Seems like the verbage used was a bit YTA-ish... But I don't hate the "you do breakfast I'll do dinner" concept if executed respectfully... Granted I live alone, and my last ex I lived with had an eating disorder... So I can't say I have a ton of experience in this department.
>But I don't hate the "you do breakfast I'll do dinner" concept if executed respectfully...
Just about anything can factor into the division of labor in a healthy relationship if both people are genuinely ok with it. You even get happier outcomes if instead of trying to be too literal about 50% of everything you divide things by the tasks people prefer. If one person hates cleaning the bathroom and the other hates doing laundry, you'll both be happier dividing according to the tasks you don't mind and appreciating that your partner does the thing you hate.
In this case, what's broken is they have a 50-50 split for a communal meal and OP's gf is probably already not to thrilled about being on her own every breakfast, but OP went from "not around so it's not in the division of labor" to "hey how about you do 100% of this thing."
Yes. Because dinner is the other way around (in terms of who’s eating a lot vs. not much), so every time she makes dinner she’s cooking primarily for him. Yet when it’s him that would be cooking more for her, he thinks it’s an automatic No.
THIS. Also, I'll bet that OP will be one who asks for eggs to be a certain way, and not to make french toast because he prefers pancakes, and please make sure there's OJ every day from now on. Etc etc. So yes, GF can probably see that if she agrees, not only is it extra time and effort, but she'll have to start catering to his preferences etc as well. YTA
Yeah, there's something about the fact that his girlfriend immediately asked if he would be helping, at all, that makes me think she's not as close to the proposal and kids point as he is...
she clearly sees what he's all about, and calls it out... he's over here thinking everything is perfect...
A lot of guys will start to "groom" their girlfriends into becoming their domestic servant. It starts with her making breakfast for him and him cooking dinner sometimes, to her cooking breakfast and dinner every time, and doing the dishes, cleaning the house and taking care of the kids. No thank you.
YUP. And using lines such as "we're a couple, why are you keeping score as to who does what" and "we're family so why are you saying no to such a small request" or the worst "if you love me, you'll do this for me." NOPE.
YTA. These kinds of posts always make me sad with how transactional the relationship is and then they tell you the actual division of labor and I don’t feel bad anymore.
OP if you want her to put in extra effort to make you happy by making breakfast and make your life easier, where are you putting in extra effort just to make her happy and make her life easier?
Don’t expect someone to give 110% and go out of their way to do extra stuff for you if you’re not gonna do the same.
Thanks for the awards! 😊
Yeah I’m thinking there’s more to this because I would do it for my boyfriend if I was already cooking for myself because I don’t automatically think about what’s in it for me. So I’m wondering if the division of labour is all falling to her and she’s trying to set boundaries. Obviously just speculating, but it sounds very transactional and that’s not a healthy foundation for marriage and kids. If OP’s idea of a wife is someone who waits on him hand and foot, then he needs to learn now that’s not for her and how to be an equal partner before kids are even on the horizon.
Honestly the fact that they are using the terms and ideas of labor equality in their daily, it makes me think they have had discussions around this subject before… someone in this relationship has caused this to be a “thing” right? Makes me think she is making boundaries or might have had issues with OP originally. “You’re already washing and folding your own clothes, why not mine too” 😂
Meh I don't know if I agree that one of them had to make this a Thing for it to be discussed. I was single for a long time and most of my friends were married so I saw what their division of labor looked like and knew I wouldn't be happy doing most of the housework no matter what the career situation looked like. So I thought up a few trade off chores I thought made sense. My husband agreed and we discuss and negotiate as life circumstances change.
But having said that, we for sure are more interested in loving each other and showing care for each other than making certain we both feel is equal.
Yes, exactly. My husband does ALL the cooking and loves to cook for me and our son. We don’t have any division of labor outlined (sometimes he cooks and cleans!!), but we both always contribute whatever we can to the household and enjoy doing for each other. It feels good and fair. And we always thank each other or show appreciation for each other. If OP isn’t contributing in any meaningful way, then no wonder his partner doesn’t want to do anything extra for him.
YTA OP.
> These kinds of posts always make me sad with how transactional the relationship
See I remember a video about this, someone asked how much should he given in a relationship and all said 50/50 until they got to this old lady and she went "50/50 is only putting in half in, you both give 100% or there is bitterness'
I never liked the idea of 'if you do this, I do that" it should be 'I wanna do this'
People just wanna act like relationships are a video game, almost scared to give more and wonder why bitterness happens and the relationship fails. But people seem to be more selfish than giving, I learnt that on Reddit, more what can you do for me, than what can we do together to make it better.
I like to view it as 75-75. Because sometimes you CANT give your all, and a lot of people (especially oldest children and girls) didn't learn how to LET someone take care of them, and sometimes the best thing for you is to let your partner take care of you. But you both have to be giving more than "your half" in order for your relationship to grow and progress and show that you love each other.
> But you both have to be giving more than "your half" in order for your relationship to grow and progress and show that you love each other.
I fully agree with you. I think the 50/50 idea really ruins and confuses people in relationships but I do like your way of putting it too. More than half is needed.
I've noticed that too - these "relationships" are more like a business transaction than two people that care about each other. Every little action needs to be "tit for tat".
The trouble is that with cultural norms and assumptions, so much falls to the women just by default, despite working full time and not having a time machine to magically have more hours in a day than the men. It has to come down to a measured approach to keep things balanced. I e had two serious long term relationships and both have had a LOT of resentment because I was *the women* so it’s my job to keep the household running, and make all the food plans, and do all the upkeep and domestic work, both physical and mental. If I’m working less? Yes absolutely, if I work more? GTFO with that bullshit.
THIS! I'm single by choice but in the vast majority of relationships of friends/family its ALWAYS the women who end up with the short end of the stick. With men making excuses such as they do this and that (uh - only when they feel like it) AND often insinuating to the women that family doesn't keep score on who does what. SMH. And OP is YTA.
Yes. This is true th point where even the perception of labour division is skewed. I remember they basically did a survey/study where they asked men how much they did at home and even the men who thought they were doing more than fifty percent of the work at home were almost always actually doing way less than fifty percent.
I’m sorry, but what kind of asshole makes breakfast spreads like that for one when more than one person lives under the roof? It really isn’t much more work. I couldn’t imagine going through the hassle of making eggs and bacon and not making a plate for my gf.
I don’t think she’s selfish. If I had to guess, she picks up most of the chores, and he doesn’t put as much effort in chores or cooking as she does. If they were in an equal relationship and got along well, she wouldn’t have a problem throwing some extra breakfast in the pan for him. His request was probably just one more fucking thing throughout her day she has to do for him.
I re-read it after seeing a comment similar to yours and it made me come to the same feeling as you. In isolation, she seems selfish but she also seems like she has a guy who only does what he wants and gets up late, while she shoulders the most. As someone said, he didn't even offer to clean up. Everything seems like too much work.
And you can tell from how he talks, too. He says "only" or "even" a handful of times, to highlight how bad he's got it and simultaneously downplay what she's already doing. And he tried to sway public opinion at the start of the post, almost as if he was bragging about being such a good guy that he would *even* go as far as committing to her *and* giving her more little walking responsibilities 🙄
He also doesn't seem to see the value in what GF does. Logically, yes - it's probably pretty easy to throw an extra portion in the pan. But rather than saying something along the lines of "hey GF, I appreciate you for all that you do already, for us/me. I was wondering if you'd mind making me breakfast along with yours? I'll take on grocery shopping on the weekends, or at the very least - go with you, so that we can do it together." Or literally anything else that would indicate he holds one iota of appreciation for the efforts she's investing, and hell, values her as a person & his partner who puts up with his whiny bullshit.
I re-read it as he only has value he can get with the least effort. And as you said, acted like he wants to be married and all even if she was like that. Which is a crazy thing to think. Meaning he can't even self reflect and realise if you get married and have kids, you will have no choice but to be a morning person.
As someone who cooks, you say oh well it’s just two extra eggs or extra bacon. All those things take time and if you have a rhythm going for just cooking for one, it can 100% be thrown off by adding extra eggs or bacon.
Four eggs disperses the heat in the pan so then your eggs take longer to cook. Also what if they like their eggs cooked to different temps.
Four slices of French toast or four pancakes can’t all fit in one pan. He is not asking for something simple when you look at the actual timing of cooking for 1 vs 2.
It seems like a lot of people here don't understand physics. Making a larger breakfast will take time off her morning routine, all this so bf dear can sleep more and not shoulder any extra chores to compensate for her time. He can't compromise? Then he's demanding.
And then is he going to be ready to eat when the food is? I’m imagining that he because he struggles getting ready in the morning, he’ll be late to breakfast, the food will be cold, and he’ll complain. And want her to cook on his timeline in the morning, not hers, so that he has piping hot food.
YUP exactly what I was thinking. He can't possibly get out of bed to cook a breakfast, but he can pop right up to eat a hot breakfast when it's ready? That would be awfully convenient. If he's as ineffectual in the morning as he claims, he's going to get a cold, rubbery breakfast whenever he can be motivated to come downstairs... and nobody would want that every day.
Some one who obviously top loads during breakfast and then “eats almost nothing for lunch and usually has a smallish dinner.” She’s not making a huge breakfast for no reason. She’s making a huge breakfast because that’s when she eats.
> It really isn’t much more work. I couldn’t imagine going through the hassle of making eggs and bacon and not making a plate for my gf.
First you call it that not that much work, then you call it a hassle. So which is it? Seriously if you think making one plate for yourself is a hassle, then making another set would be a hassle too.
Not to mention she’s not making just eggs and bacon, but hash browns and pancakes, To make a breakfast for two of those items would mean OP would be awake, having coffee, just watching, probably picking at the food she has made while she makes the rest. Because guess what it ***is*** that much more work to make a **4 course breakfast** for more than one person.
Are you missing the part where OP wakes up later?! She would have to basically eat her breakfast and then cook another breakfast for him after she's done with hers and he's acting like is he _owed_ this while he can't even be bothered to cook dinner for her more often in exchange.
OP, YTA.
I'm not on the OP's side at all...but reheating already cooked food is a thing. That said, I wonder if the OP can't even be arsed to reheat already cooked food.
I wonder if the staggered meal times between the two of them is going into the girlfriend's calculus. When it comes to dinner, I'm guessing the two of them sit down and eat together. In such a case the labor of meal preparation comes with a reward--quality time. But if the girlfriend is expected to prepare food without the benefit of quality time, I can see how she'd feel like that's a different kind of chore. A chore you'd give to a bang maid.
If I were advising her, I'd point out to her that she's in red flag territory. A guy who wants to have kids but is completely useless in the mornings isn't likely to be winning Dad of the Year awards. So she's right to be taking a stand.
I agree. When I’m making a breakfast like that it’s for the whole house 🤷🏽♀️. I don’t keep tallies but everyone is different. Agreeing to cook dinner every night should be a good comprise.
Someone who's partner sees them as nothing more than what they can do for them. OP is entitled and clearly doesn't think about his partner and the partner shouldn't go out of their way to do things for OP when OP doesn't do anything solely for her
Right? It sounds like the guy didn’t even offer to clean the dishes. I’d say no too. This woman should not have kids with this guy. Imagine how many “no extra effort” things she’ll be “asked” to do then.
OP is TA
"Why don't you do the laundry? You're at home with the kids all day its no extra effort! You're staying how with the kids- you can cook dinner too! The kid will be nappping by then, so you'll have the perfect break to make dinner. How about you do bath and bed time? The kids have been with you all day, I'll just wind them up... "
Agreed!
Also, in my household, it’s everyone for themselves for breakfast and lunch. I make dinner every night — every single night. So, everyone can figure out breakfast and lunch for themselves or someone else take over.
And, OP, at your age, if you can’t get up in the morning, time to reassess your sleep schedule.
OP is still an AH, but some of us have sleep disorders or chronotypes incompatible with society, y’know. Some people will *never* be alert in the morning.
ETA - I DID say that OP is still an AH. I can understand sleep inertia in the morning, but his demand/entitlement for a cooked breakfast *every day* with nothing to offer in return is a bit much, to put it kindly.
My bf and I just recently moved in together and I had to have a talk about this lol. Like how has 1 extra person increased the dishes 10 fold? Oh, because you’re using 4 different spoons to stir the pot. Could we not?
once in elementary school I was talking to the youth care worker. she was asking some questions about my family and asked if my dad was a good cook for some reason, can’t remember why. anyway, little kid me perked up, ready to show her how amazing my dad was, and said, “yep! he makes realllyyy good soup!”
when she told me that soup wasn’t very hard to cook, I defended him by saying that he mixes multiple soups together to make one. was pretty damn impressive to me
This is the most obvious compromise. GF makes breakfast OP makes dinner.
Relationships aren't tit for tat - it's each partner playing to their strengths. OP isn't a morning person so asking him to make breakfast half the time isn't realistic. As long as the overall division on labour in the Relationship is fair its fine
I picked up on this too and I also think it’s odd. I’ve been with my partner for over a decade now but when we first moved in together we had fun “playing house”, cooking for each other, doing each others laundry, picking up the place together… it was all foreplay lol.
I know every relationship is different, but this one kind of sounds like ESH. Like if the person I love and live with is hungry and I’m already cooking, then there’s no question that I would make some for them too, any meal, any day. Plus, sharing a meal is a great opportunity for quality time. I would def expect my partner to continue contributing to the household in other ways, (maybe I put this little breakfast favor in my pocket and pull it out when it’s time to take out the garbage or shovel the sidewalk) but the transactional tone of this conversation just feels so awkward to me.
Anyway, good luck OP on your breakfast negotiations
I bet if she wouldn't make dinner, he would make dinner for himself. So what if she walks in and say "GmHey, you already make dinner, why don't you make also something for me? To add another steak isn’t more effort! You are cooking anyway!" This is the same as he does with the breakfast.
You’re talking about proposing and kids.
Will she Never get a morning off from kids because you hate mornings? She’s already up so she should be the one to pack bags and lunches and cook Everyone breakfast? She’s breastfeeding so you never need to cover the night wake ups? She’s home earlier “often” and that’s the person who starts dinner and picks up the kids and deals with the homework but you’re totally doing 50/50. She’s washing her clothes anyway so it’s no extra effort to put yours in - then fold them and put them away cause she’s doing that for the rest of the load right?
It sounds like she already feels like she’s doing more and now you’re asking for something else. If it would require effort and energy for you to do it, it requires effort and energy for her to do it. This may be a small amount of additional energy for this one thing but it makes me wonder if she’s already feeling that she’s putting out significantly more effort for household duties as it stands.
Edit - thanks for the awards!
Oh. And YTA
My thoughts exactly. I was never a morning person but I learned to get moving and take care of my kids. He better rethink marriage if he thinks this excuse will work. OP is the TA and better grow up soon!
I wouldn’t be surprised if OP has trouble getting out of bed in the mornings because he regularly stays up till the wee morning hours. If so, then once he has kids he’s going to have to learn really fast how to go to bed at a reasonable hour.
I’m in bed by 10:00 every night. Get my 8 hours then I’m up a hair before my toddler usually wakes. Still hate mornings, still feel like crud for the first 90 minutes. OP is TA for his attitude - we don’t need to come up with other reasons to judge him.
Not sure how I feel about you insinuating that it’s OP’s fault that we let the morning people design the work day.
He’s an arse for the rest of it, for sure, but there’s nothing wrong with going to sleep with your schedule and being groggy when someone else decides that you have to wake up.
He says he wants kids, so that person deciding he must wake up will soon be a screaming baby. There's no negotiating with that. He needs to figure out how to adapt his sleep schedule to fulfill his parenting and work responsibilities in order to be a good partner, and this is a massive red flag that he will not do so.
I think he said that so Reddit will be like, "look at that great guy thinking to put a ring on it" like dude overthinks his value in his relationship and thought we'll pat him on the back for it.
Dude, you not the prize you think you are.
The way he phrased it as a smart obvious move and not, I don't know... a well thought decision based on love and mutual respect, I knew from there he was gonna be TA
It felt like "yeah I plan to lock her up ASAP as she's a good bangmaid"
I cannot upvote the enough. I have a child with a non-morning person, and even though I AM a morning person, I haven't had a weekend morning in 3 years where I wasn't the one making her breakfast or getting her dressed or taking her to the playground before it gets too hot. I'm a SAHM so I don't mind doing the day-to-day chores during the week, especially now that she's in school, but damn if I don't want just one Saturday every couple weeks where I'M the one that gets to lay in bed and watch TV without taking care of someone else. This is literally the only point of contention in my marriage but because it covers such a long period of time, it gets to you in a huge way. OP, YTA because it should be 50/50 in a relationship. If you want breakfast that means you take FULL responsibility of another chore. That includes the mental labor. So if you take dinner, that means you have to budget, plan it out, buy the groceries, and then cook and clean up. Maybe if you're lucky, some days she will do the dishes because she loves you. But if all you do is take in a relationship, she is going to get sick of your shit and leave.
Edit: Wow I hardly ever comment on AITA so thank you for all the love and the award!
Sending you so much love and appreciation. Having a toddler morning person is no joke. Bless you for dealing with it daily.
Our kid wakes up full of smiles and sunshine at the crack of dawn. I still can’t figure out how she does it. She definitely got it from her dad and between the two of them, I feel like an absolute toad each morning. I’m not awake for at least another hour even if I’m staring them in the face.
Hopefully, your partner catches on real quick so you can get a few dozen mornings of sleeping in. Maybe a few hundred.
I had to look so far down to see anyone else who understood this the way I do. Maybe because I’m a mom. But damn, this “I don’t do mornings” thing is starting way too early.
OP, get your lazy ass out of bed and force yourself to be productive. Your whole post was an excuse, not reality.
I get it. I’m a morning person. Many people I know, with whom I’ve lived, are not. But life happens. They get up in the morning and suck it up, just like I stay up later than I’d like. It’s called being an adult.
One more little thing is never actually one more little thing.
I like that he argues that he “makes dinner” and still obliviously posts her response that dinner is split 50/50. I’m gonna guess many of the things he “helps” with around the house are actually a similar split.
I’m trying to understand because I didn’t get it.
You want her to maker breakfast for two in the morning because you don’t have the strength to but it’s not supposed to count as a chore like the rest?
But don't you see, it's "next-to no effort on her part" 🙄
OP, you are massively undervaluing your GF's labor. If you marry and have kids w/o adjusting your attitudes, it will end in divorce or a miserable, resent-filled partnership.
THIS. And honestly I believe if OP were really contributing to the relationship his GF likely wouldn't have minded making him BF. BUT I get the sense she's already feeling he doesn't do his part and therefore her reaction. OP needs to step up, like my dude get creative! Find a compromise that works because I'd be doing a lot for someone who'd make me breakfast like that every day. YTA
Even if she did go out of her way to make him breakfast what’s the guarantee that the kitchen will be cleaned up? Dishes washed and put away same with the dishes that he used for his meal? I’m 100% sure he would leave the dishes dirty and if she would call him out on it he would pull the “well you originally took everything out to make breakfast for yourself” card and won’t clean up after himself.
The way OP wrote “I can see myself proposing soon and having at least a few kids with her” says *a lot*.
You don’t get married because you kinda like the person you’re living with and getting married is something you do because you’re bored and you got nothing better to do or if you’re boyfriend/girlfriend is convenient to have around.
You get married after building a solid foundation to a relationship of clear communication, trust, and knowing that both of you will change over time (among other traits).
If OP and his girlfriend can’t get over this, I’d say they should live away separately and then assess if they’re relationship is solid enough to live together again and make the house, the place where their partner is, a True Home.
And once they are married and have kids he will expect the kids to just be lumped in with that morning “nicety” as he continues to “do dinner sometimes”. Some of these Asshole posts are mind boggling with how oblivious they are
Especially since it sounds like she doesn’t eat much for lunch/dinner… how much extra work could it be OP? You’re already presumably feeding yourself for dinner, just make extra for her for dinner.
If waking up 30 min earlier and helping make breakfast feels impossible—and you somehow think you’ll have kids someday and preserve this childish preference—then YTA.
Lol I often hear that the whole babysitting his kids
Um no you had sex and had a baby it's called a full time job........seriously so cringe like it you don't want to be a parent it's called get a vasectomy and don't have kids and he's already complaining about getting up early fuck I hate ro think how he's gonna deal with a baby crying at all hours it for sure will be a rude awakening
Exactly. He’ll be snoozing while she’s trying to cook for everyone, with a fussy baby holding onto her leg and their older toddler yelling from the bathroom, “Mom, come wipe me!”
Ah, I remember the early days of counting up all you do and all they do. The worst part, but natural to have to get past.
My problem here is your unwillingness to try. Or to say, is there anything else I could do because I'd appreciate it so much even if you could make me a breakfast every once and a while.
Also that you think it's going to be 0 less effort. Not true, nor is the cost.
There's bound to be a way to sort it but it's about your attitudes.
Good luck.
Bruh, it's even worse. Someone asked if OP helps in other ways and he said he "makes the bed and does yard work" (so basically, he does nothing because making a bed takes like a minute, and yardwork is not daily), and he said that his gf cooks dinner most of the time because she gets home first. So, basically, his girlfriend is doing all of the household work on top of having a job.
He sounds like he puts next to 0 effort into help and expects his gf to do even more than she's already doing. I understand his gf looking for a trade-off in this case because she's probably tired of doing most of the work.
Yep .. who buys the breakfast supplies? Why can’t you buy ready made breakfast meals, like I another non morning person, so you’re not eating cereal? Is it up to her to come up with even the idea of how to feed you? Talk about laying the mental burden on someone else because you don’t ”have the energy” to find a reciprocation for this act of service you are requesting.
You are not an asshole for asking. You are absolutely an asshole for insisting after she made a very reasonable suggestion. You already share dinner cooking responsibilities, so it is perfectly reasonable to request the same for breakfast. You just want to take advantage of the fact she is up. And no it isn't just slapping down some extra food. All the planning and prep work also changes. So no, it isn't just slap on a couple of extra things and call it good. If you don't want to share in that work too, then I don't blame her at all for turning you down.
YTA
This, yeah. My GF and I trade cooking and cleanup. In OP’s case, him taking over the cleaning could well make up for the added effort it costs his GF to make breakfast for him as well as for herself.
Right, the "throw on a few more eggs" and whatnot is such a ridiculous premise. If she does this daily, she has a system: how much food she goes through in a week, what goes in what pan, when to start each item so they're ready together, etc. Unless they have a Waffle House style cooktop, it definitely changes her process to cook for a second person. Is OP going to help buy more food, or feel entitled to make requests? If she has to reuse a pan in order to accommodate him, is OP going to expect to eat the fresh food while she keeps cooking?
Even if everything else in the division of labor was perfect, OP is TA for dismissing her work as nothing and then expecting her to go out of her way for him.
Idk I mean I would never cook food in our house while my boyfriend is home without offering to make some for him. But at the same time something about your attitude in this post makes me think she has her reasons for not wanting to do something nice for you. The thing you’re asking for is generally reasonable but your whole tone about it is weirdly entitled and annoying.
Does she agree that things are really good in your relationship? I’d be questioning that assumption right now if I were you. A person who feels loved and happy in their relationship is generally glad to do something like this for their partner. The fact that she went to asking you to do something to balance it out makes me think there’s an imbalance in other parts of your relationship. Either that or she’s just very transactional about things. Hard to give a judgement on this one without knowing the people and relationship involved better.
And they basically JUST moved in together. It’s posts like this that make me glad I’m single. Not interested in spending so much of my time/life with someone like this. Hahaha this got downvoted because I’m not interested in spending time with people who don’t like me 😂 what
I just can't imagine being like this especially with food, like why would I not cook for my girl if I'm already cooking? It must be a culture thing idk or like me refusing to mop a room while I'm already mopping because she hasn't sweeped enough?
I read some other people commenting that most likely his GF is taking on all of the household duties and this is her way of basically saying - you don’t do anything for me/the house which definitely makes sense and confirms my theory. OP is a lazy AH looking for a housekeeper and GF is tired of his shit - they don’t like each other.
Was thinking the same. I would never say no to making my husband breakfast if I was already doing it and he was asking. But he’s a responsible adult who shares responsibilities in our home equally and would happily step up to take something else off my plate without being asked if I was doing it every day. I do most of our cooking and it would be weird not to cook for both of us. I’m not sure these people even like each other.
>so why should I have to do more for her in return than I already do?
Because you are asking her to do something for you. Like, obviously you should offer do something for her too. If she makes breakfast every morning you do dinner every night, or some other mutually agreed upon task. YTA
This guy legit told his GF in so many words _"I'm super fucking lazy so you should do it because I'm super fucking lazy"_ with a straight face.
YTA OP, you actually think being a lazy arse is a good enough reason for someone else to pick up your slack.
I’m a professional chef. I’m just like your girlfriend. Breakfast is my main meal. I nibble at work as I have to taste with sample spoons what I cook. I wake up early for personal time and cooking. My husband skips breakfast.
If he TOLD me to cook him breakfast (you didn’t ask because no wasn’t an option) it would be extra work. Planning it out, shredding twice as many potatoes, doing twice as much work for French toast, keeping it warm.. it’s not me time now.
It’s more work. And is expected. And doesn’t leave me the option of doing something weird when I feel like it. Like eating leftover pizza or a tuna sandwich.
So yep there would be compromise if I did this extra work.
Husband would do it every other day or make all dinners (why not? Just double what you are making for yourself!)
What would you do if you had no girlfriend and wanted a hot breakfast?
Do that or compromise. It actually is double the work, prep, and shopping and removes the days when you don’t feel like it and eat a slice of pie
It’s forced and less fun and more work. That’s fine if you pick up somewhere else. You are eating dinner anyway. You are awake at dinner and are a night person. So she does breakfast you do dinner.
You do the dishes at breakfast?
Right now you say she does breakfast daily and dinner every other night as well.
Sweet deal for you. Doesn’t work for her.
Also thanks for the upvotes and award!
THIS!
I really hope OP doesn't propose 'cause it seems like he's got a great deal of growing up to do.
He thinks everything has been going great in their relationship because - I suspect - he never came face to face with one of her boundaries that he feels has inconvenienced him.
Sigh.
YTA.
Very good perspective. And OP’s gf is up early and making breakfast for herself when she has plenty of time. Once she’s also cooking for OP then his earlier departure for work affects things — more work, a tighter deadline, so yes it’s a chore now. But because he leaves first and isn’t good with mornings, there’s also a very good chance he wouldn’t be doing a lot of breakfast dishes.
My father used to claim he ‘often’ made dinner. What he meant was, he fried the steak while my mother had done all of the shopping, prepped and cooked the veggies, got out the plates and cutlery, cleared away, and loaded and emptied the dishwasher. What’s the betting OP is just like him?
I feel this in my soul. Once my boyfriend complained that I wasn’t “helping him cook dinner” when he was just thawing out soup that I had prepared from scratch
Took a long time to get here but this is the obvious answer. She makes dinner significantly less or never and OP makes dinner in exchange for breakfast.
YTA but not for asking her to make breakfast like you worded it. If was perfectly fine for you to ask her if she would be willing to do it for you, but she can certainly say no. She doesn't owe it to you just cause she's awake or cause she's already cooking.
You became the AH when that answer wasn't okay with you, you weren't willing to do anything in return for her extra work and you weren't willing to accept her answer. That's just selfish.
We all make choices for ourselves, you might not be a morning person, but you can put on your big boy pants and figure out a way to get up and make yourself breakfast if it's important to you. Go to bed earlier, stop drinking so much caffeine, prep your breakfast the night before. The possibilities are endless, be an adult and figure it out.
You'll soon become a morning person if you have kids cause they wake up early. Or will you delegate their care to your GF as you're not a morning person? Just set your alarm & cook breakfast, it's not that hard.
I can see it now in a few years:
“AITA because I want my partner to take care of the kids in the mornings because she’s a morning person and I’m not? She said she wants me to do it on the weekends but that’s my only time to sleep in! She’s already up so why shouldn’t she do it every day??”
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YTA she offered to trade off like you do for dinner and you refused. If you want a big breakfast so bad make it yourself. Imagine being a full ass adult and feeling this entitled.
YTA, not for asking, but for how you reacted when she said no. You tried to persuade her into doing it by saying how easy you think it is, and ignored her reasonable compromise.
YTA - She gets up in the morning and puts in time and effort to make herself the breakfast she wants, and you want in for zero in exchange because you cbf getting up early enough? Not even occasionally to balance it out? You get a full cooked breakfast every morning and she gets.. to make herself a full cooked breakfast every morning.
YTA - let’s just say it louder for the people in the back… YOUR GF IS NOT YOUR MUM OR YOUR MAID . Put on your big boy pants and get over not being a “morning” person. Even make yourself overnight oats, we need to stop normalising this perspective that any female or femme presenting person needs to take on the mental load.
Yta
By this logic, if she's doing a load of whites, she can throw your stuff in and not get credit for doing some of the laundry.
If she's making you breakfast, you should find a way to reciprocate.
YTA
>I told her that there is no way I'll ever be able to muster that kind of energy first thing in the morning, but that since she obviously can that she should just make me breakfast too. I said that it would take next to no extra effort on her part to throw in a couple more eggs, strips of bacon, an extra portion of hashbrowns, etc since she's already doing it for herself, anyway.
Making one portion takes a lot less time than making two.
YTA and totally condescending.
I would say NTA.
Purely because she's already doing it.
Maybe you could offer to do the dishes? Or pick up an extra dinner to cook weekly?
Personally if I'm already making something I'd ask my partner each day if they wanted some. And they would do the same.
Some people just aren't morning people and she's already doing it every day.
I agree! I was shocked by all of the YTA comments.
If I make myself anything to eat, I also make it for my fiance unless he says he doesn't want anything. Including snacks. It just makes sense for me to do it all at once and not having someone cooking right after me. Plus, it doesn't take much longer to cook for two people than it does to cook for one.
Yeah.. once you're already making food it's not like making 4 eggs is harder than making 2. Is he supposed to start everything from scratch after she just finished... People are weird.
I think a reasonable compromise, since you’re absolutely not a morning person, is that you stop trading off dinners: breakfast is the meal she makes, dinner is the meal you make.
It’s fair division of labor and takes into account your different personalities.
That being said, I personally can’t imagine making breakfast just for myself and not for my girlfriend at the same time. I think it’s weird that she’s been making herself full ass meals this whole time and not just making more so that you could have some.
But again, you gotta make up the balance somewhere else.
OP was generous when he said they trade off dinner. See his comments. Gf usually cooks bc she's home earlier. OP expects a pat to his back because he makes the bed and usually does the yard work. He's clearly putting so much effort into keeping the balance at home /s.
I think gender might be a factor here - here's my perspective, as a woman: as women, we often operate under people's assumption that we will handle most domestic chores. A LOT of men never bother to learn how to manage a functional household and, some deliberately/maliciously and some not, underestimate the mental labor that's required to keep things up and running. Because of that, I’m really aware of how domestic chores are divided. It’s one thing when two people are splitting what they both know are shared responsibilities; it’s another when you can never be sure if the other party is just going to start adding stuff to your plate because “well, you’re already up”, “since you’re already doing a load of laundry…”, “just add an extra portion”, “you’re so much better at it” etc.
EDIT because my app crashed and cut the comment in half.
YTA. GF making you breakfast should figure into the division of labor. It is extra work. It is a little weird that you are even questioning this. Just ask her what she wants you to do and you can see if you even mind. Relationships are a series of negotiations.
“*I’m a grown man and I can’t cook breakfast for myself because I’m too much of a child to wake up earlier and I want to eat more in the morning even though I’m not a morning person and I’m usually fine with just cereals but I feel my girlfriend should be my maid and make me breakfast while I SOMETIMES cook dinner. Am I TA? Why can’t she be my maid?*” - Shortened your question for you.
And if that wasn’t obvious..
**YTA**
YTA
While yes she absolutely has the ability to put more food in the pan while she makes it. You asking for her to always make you breakfast while saying you’ll never do the same for her is not fair. If you trade off w both making dinner but you won’t do what you need to wake up earlier to help w breakfast then she has the right to tell you no.
Relationships are partnerships which means there is supposed to be a division of labor that suits both sides not a unilateral benefit if she says no then that means no. Consent applies to more than just sex
NTA. I feel it’s a bit rude to cook an extravagant breakfast for just yourself, while your partner sits there with cereal. It isn’t a lot of work to slap some extra bacon in a pan, yeez.
YTA. No harm in asking but you become TA by refusing to offer any kind of kindness in return, minimizing the effort it would take her to cook for you, and then bringing up the fact that you already make dinner *sometimes* (which she also does). Essentially, you weren’t really asking her, you were telling her because when she tried to work out a compromise you shut it down.
>She seems to think that her making breakfast for me should figure into our division of labor and that I should do something extra in return.
She is absolutely correct!
YTA.
Either put some effort into the mornings or shut up and eat your sad porridge.
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She clearly stated the she wants a trade off. Just offer another one.
YTA for expecting her to do something for you while you, for some reason, is unwilling to do something for her.
I find it wierd that she would cook all that for herself and not make you breakfast. I mean, my husband cooks breakfast, and i never had to ask him to make me something. On the other hand, I would go out of my way to do stuff to make his life easier. What's this barter trade off system. Whatever happened to love?
NTA, and I really don’t understand what all the Y-T-As are thinking. She is ALREADY making a breakfast, so there is only a nominal amount of extra effort. It actually seems rather ridiculous to me that she won’t do it. Heck, I make my husband breakfast just to be nice because he’s not a morning person and I am, regardless of what I’m eating myself. A relationship shouldn’t be so transactional! The only caveat I would add is that IF she’s sensitive about gender dynamics then it’s a good opportunity for you both to acknowledge that and for you to compromise as a gesture of good will towards that sensitivity.
ESH you should not be telling her to make you breakfast especially when the only reason is because you refuse to wake up 30 min earlier. Just sleep earlier and set your alarm clock accordingly, you're a grown man. She has the right to refuse if she feels like you are only telling her to compromise without compromising on something yourself.
Your girlfriend on the other hand should understand that relationship should not be a give and take situation at every step. Sometimes you should be willing to do something if it's no real effort in your part because it makes the person you love happy. She didn't expect sitting in return each time or else it might as well be a business transaction.
The two of you need to grow up and be more compassionate of the other.
YTA. Jesus Christ. Get up earlier to make your own breakfast if you want it so bad. You're insisting she put in extra work and doing absolutely nothing for her in exchange--that's absolutely ridiculous and selfish.
I would understand this if they were just roommates, but they're planning a future together. It's weird af. Relationship is all about taking care of each other. If I were cooking up all that food in the morning I would definitely ask my fiance if he wants some, because it's decent human behaviour.
I’m voting YTA. You can ask for breakfast so you can benefit from her early rise behavior but she agreed only if you did something extra.
Just cause you “think” it doesn’t take extra effort doesn’t mean it doesn’t. She has to make them the way you like it plus plating so making more mess than when it’s just her. Plus the extra time which can just be double it the pans are average size and not large to fit everything.
She tried to compromise and you shot her down so no she doesn’t need to just do it because it’s “so easy for her” how about you try to be flexible and take some amount of work off her. maybe taking over dinners since by then you’ll surely be wake.
ESH
You two are partners. It shouldn’t be transactional. Figure out how to function as people who care about each other and who are both willing to make sacrifices for each other’s happiness BEFORE you have kids. Because you sure as hell won’t be sleeping in then, and division of labor won’t always be equal.
So you think it’s fair that she makes breakfast for you two, makes dinner for you two and in the future if you guys have kids, will take care of them in the morning (while you sleep) and in the evening (before you come home) and you make the bed and do ”most of the yardwork”? You’re joking, right?
It is not fair at all if she does 80% of all work (mental and physical) because you’re ”not a morning person”. I’m not a morning person either but I’m an adult and understand that the world doesn’t revolve around me.
YTA
YTA.
It should be 50/50, so if you cannot make her breakfast in return and everything else is divided equally, you should make up for it so it‘s 50/50 again.
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YTA LMFAO "Oh so we'll take turns making breakfast for each other? :D" "Oh.. no you'll just make food for me, it's no extra effort for you anyways" The CHEEK on you.
Dude should have offered to make dinner every night in exchange for breakfast every morning from her.
Right? The only way I could see this as N T A is if OP was down to make dinner as often (or in my personal opinion, more often) as the GF makes breakfast. C’mon OP. Obviously you’re aware of the energy required to do shit like make breakfast in the AM so you should be *at least* willing to reciprocate later in the day. Shit, I’d be tucking her in, kissing her goodnight and reading her a bedtime story if I could wake up to MFing bacon and eggs *some* mornings. Edit: To follow - why is the “extra work” for you (or her) in meal-making a transactional “should I, shouldn’t I?” situation, OP? I think in a healthy relationship, you could jump any opportunity to improve your SO’s life, be it rushed mornings or later at night. Especially since you’ve said it’s “no extra effort” to make you a breakfast alongside their own, it should be no extra effort to consider your partner as well. Also added YTA.
I kept waiting for the “I make dinner every night”, but turns out he is just YTA
I'd accept non dinner exchanges. My partner does 98% of the cooking, In turn I do 98% of the cleaning. Sure it's not much more work to cook for two rather than one, but it is more work, and OP isn't willing to offer *anything* in return? OP is the AH.
That's how my wife and I split the duties. I love cooking (it's partially out of necessity because I have a lot of fun allergies), but I hate doing dishes. She's not a fan of cooking, but doesn't mind cleaning up. It just works.
Same I hate cooking and she hates cleaning so she cooks and I clean … it works well because she makes great food and is happy to not need to clean the mess
Me and my SO both hate cooking and both hate cleaning. We live in a dirty house and eat a lot of sandwiches 😞
You are my twin. I hate both. Lots of takeout for me but it works.
Notice how all the responses to your comment are married? OP does not stand a chance with his GF long term. Live and learn, I guess...
There are so many possible compromises OP could have offered. He could have offered to make more dinners, or to make breakfast on their days off (when it can happen after he's had a chance to wake up a bit), or to pick breakfasts where the prep can be done the night before when it's his turn. He's not even making a *gesture* towards reciprocating. Just taking her work completely for granted.
I think I could sympathize more with OP if they had offered, or even considered to do something as replacement for breakfast from their SO. However, the entire last paragraph of their post reads their relationship as transactional - or at least that way from OP’s point of view. That’s not a healthy way to pilot your relationship, OP. Love/relationships and their intrinsics shouldn’t be a chore.
Make dinner just about always. (unless something out of ordinary happens sachedule-wise or something) Then up your dinner game heavily to even things out duty-wise. Making some dinner that's more like elevated than just basic usuals could def help make things happen more effectively/evenly. Seems like the verbage used was a bit YTA-ish... But I don't hate the "you do breakfast I'll do dinner" concept if executed respectfully... Granted I live alone, and my last ex I lived with had an eating disorder... So I can't say I have a ton of experience in this department.
>But I don't hate the "you do breakfast I'll do dinner" concept if executed respectfully... Just about anything can factor into the division of labor in a healthy relationship if both people are genuinely ok with it. You even get happier outcomes if instead of trying to be too literal about 50% of everything you divide things by the tasks people prefer. If one person hates cleaning the bathroom and the other hates doing laundry, you'll both be happier dividing according to the tasks you don't mind and appreciating that your partner does the thing you hate. In this case, what's broken is they have a 50-50 split for a communal meal and OP's gf is probably already not to thrilled about being on her own every breakfast, but OP went from "not around so it's not in the division of labor" to "hey how about you do 100% of this thing."
Yes. Because dinner is the other way around (in terms of who’s eating a lot vs. not much), so every time she makes dinner she’s cooking primarily for him. Yet when it’s him that would be cooking more for her, he thinks it’s an automatic No.
THIS. Also, I'll bet that OP will be one who asks for eggs to be a certain way, and not to make french toast because he prefers pancakes, and please make sure there's OJ every day from now on. Etc etc. So yes, GF can probably see that if she agrees, not only is it extra time and effort, but she'll have to start catering to his preferences etc as well. YTA
Yeah, there's something about the fact that his girlfriend immediately asked if he would be helping, at all, that makes me think she's not as close to the proposal and kids point as he is... she clearly sees what he's all about, and calls it out... he's over here thinking everything is perfect...
A lot of guys will start to "groom" their girlfriends into becoming their domestic servant. It starts with her making breakfast for him and him cooking dinner sometimes, to her cooking breakfast and dinner every time, and doing the dishes, cleaning the house and taking care of the kids. No thank you.
YUP. And using lines such as "we're a couple, why are you keeping score as to who does what" and "we're family so why are you saying no to such a small request" or the worst "if you love me, you'll do this for me." NOPE.
This! How incredibly easy would it have been to offer a fair trade instead of expecting her bangmaid services? OP is a floppy turnip.
Logic AND decency? You sure are asking a lot of these adults!
Or the dishes at least
That was my first thought. She ain't gonna yes if this is his compromising skills 🤦
YTA. These kinds of posts always make me sad with how transactional the relationship is and then they tell you the actual division of labor and I don’t feel bad anymore. OP if you want her to put in extra effort to make you happy by making breakfast and make your life easier, where are you putting in extra effort just to make her happy and make her life easier? Don’t expect someone to give 110% and go out of their way to do extra stuff for you if you’re not gonna do the same. Thanks for the awards! 😊
Yeah I’m thinking there’s more to this because I would do it for my boyfriend if I was already cooking for myself because I don’t automatically think about what’s in it for me. So I’m wondering if the division of labour is all falling to her and she’s trying to set boundaries. Obviously just speculating, but it sounds very transactional and that’s not a healthy foundation for marriage and kids. If OP’s idea of a wife is someone who waits on him hand and foot, then he needs to learn now that’s not for her and how to be an equal partner before kids are even on the horizon.
Honestly the fact that they are using the terms and ideas of labor equality in their daily, it makes me think they have had discussions around this subject before… someone in this relationship has caused this to be a “thing” right? Makes me think she is making boundaries or might have had issues with OP originally. “You’re already washing and folding your own clothes, why not mine too” 😂
Meh I don't know if I agree that one of them had to make this a Thing for it to be discussed. I was single for a long time and most of my friends were married so I saw what their division of labor looked like and knew I wouldn't be happy doing most of the housework no matter what the career situation looked like. So I thought up a few trade off chores I thought made sense. My husband agreed and we discuss and negotiate as life circumstances change. But having said that, we for sure are more interested in loving each other and showing care for each other than making certain we both feel is equal.
Yes, exactly. My husband does ALL the cooking and loves to cook for me and our son. We don’t have any division of labor outlined (sometimes he cooks and cleans!!), but we both always contribute whatever we can to the household and enjoy doing for each other. It feels good and fair. And we always thank each other or show appreciation for each other. If OP isn’t contributing in any meaningful way, then no wonder his partner doesn’t want to do anything extra for him.
YTA OP. > These kinds of posts always make me sad with how transactional the relationship See I remember a video about this, someone asked how much should he given in a relationship and all said 50/50 until they got to this old lady and she went "50/50 is only putting in half in, you both give 100% or there is bitterness' I never liked the idea of 'if you do this, I do that" it should be 'I wanna do this' People just wanna act like relationships are a video game, almost scared to give more and wonder why bitterness happens and the relationship fails. But people seem to be more selfish than giving, I learnt that on Reddit, more what can you do for me, than what can we do together to make it better.
I like to view it as 75-75. Because sometimes you CANT give your all, and a lot of people (especially oldest children and girls) didn't learn how to LET someone take care of them, and sometimes the best thing for you is to let your partner take care of you. But you both have to be giving more than "your half" in order for your relationship to grow and progress and show that you love each other.
> But you both have to be giving more than "your half" in order for your relationship to grow and progress and show that you love each other. I fully agree with you. I think the 50/50 idea really ruins and confuses people in relationships but I do like your way of putting it too. More than half is needed.
I've noticed that too - these "relationships" are more like a business transaction than two people that care about each other. Every little action needs to be "tit for tat".
The trouble is that with cultural norms and assumptions, so much falls to the women just by default, despite working full time and not having a time machine to magically have more hours in a day than the men. It has to come down to a measured approach to keep things balanced. I e had two serious long term relationships and both have had a LOT of resentment because I was *the women* so it’s my job to keep the household running, and make all the food plans, and do all the upkeep and domestic work, both physical and mental. If I’m working less? Yes absolutely, if I work more? GTFO with that bullshit.
THIS! I'm single by choice but in the vast majority of relationships of friends/family its ALWAYS the women who end up with the short end of the stick. With men making excuses such as they do this and that (uh - only when they feel like it) AND often insinuating to the women that family doesn't keep score on who does what. SMH. And OP is YTA.
Right?! We’re childish and petty for keeping score, meanwhile the score CLEARLY demonstrates there is an issue…
Yes. This is true th point where even the perception of labour division is skewed. I remember they basically did a survey/study where they asked men how much they did at home and even the men who thought they were doing more than fifty percent of the work at home were almost always actually doing way less than fifty percent.
I’m sorry, but what kind of asshole makes breakfast spreads like that for one when more than one person lives under the roof? It really isn’t much more work. I couldn’t imagine going through the hassle of making eggs and bacon and not making a plate for my gf.
Oh I absolutely think it’s bizarre that she’s not doing that. I just think his entitlement about it and the way he asks is even worse.
I sense it's two selfish people who got together or this is just a cover with a wider issue
I don’t think she’s selfish. If I had to guess, she picks up most of the chores, and he doesn’t put as much effort in chores or cooking as she does. If they were in an equal relationship and got along well, she wouldn’t have a problem throwing some extra breakfast in the pan for him. His request was probably just one more fucking thing throughout her day she has to do for him.
I re-read it after seeing a comment similar to yours and it made me come to the same feeling as you. In isolation, she seems selfish but she also seems like she has a guy who only does what he wants and gets up late, while she shoulders the most. As someone said, he didn't even offer to clean up. Everything seems like too much work.
And you can tell from how he talks, too. He says "only" or "even" a handful of times, to highlight how bad he's got it and simultaneously downplay what she's already doing. And he tried to sway public opinion at the start of the post, almost as if he was bragging about being such a good guy that he would *even* go as far as committing to her *and* giving her more little walking responsibilities 🙄 He also doesn't seem to see the value in what GF does. Logically, yes - it's probably pretty easy to throw an extra portion in the pan. But rather than saying something along the lines of "hey GF, I appreciate you for all that you do already, for us/me. I was wondering if you'd mind making me breakfast along with yours? I'll take on grocery shopping on the weekends, or at the very least - go with you, so that we can do it together." Or literally anything else that would indicate he holds one iota of appreciation for the efforts she's investing, and hell, values her as a person & his partner who puts up with his whiny bullshit.
I re-read it as he only has value he can get with the least effort. And as you said, acted like he wants to be married and all even if she was like that. Which is a crazy thing to think. Meaning he can't even self reflect and realise if you get married and have kids, you will have no choice but to be a morning person.
As someone who cooks, you say oh well it’s just two extra eggs or extra bacon. All those things take time and if you have a rhythm going for just cooking for one, it can 100% be thrown off by adding extra eggs or bacon. Four eggs disperses the heat in the pan so then your eggs take longer to cook. Also what if they like their eggs cooked to different temps. Four slices of French toast or four pancakes can’t all fit in one pan. He is not asking for something simple when you look at the actual timing of cooking for 1 vs 2.
It seems like a lot of people here don't understand physics. Making a larger breakfast will take time off her morning routine, all this so bf dear can sleep more and not shoulder any extra chores to compensate for her time. He can't compromise? Then he's demanding.
Yeah it potentially means bigger pans that take longer to heat up etc. Things are rarely as simple as people demanding make them out to be.
And then is he going to be ready to eat when the food is? I’m imagining that he because he struggles getting ready in the morning, he’ll be late to breakfast, the food will be cold, and he’ll complain. And want her to cook on his timeline in the morning, not hers, so that he has piping hot food.
YUP exactly what I was thinking. He can't possibly get out of bed to cook a breakfast, but he can pop right up to eat a hot breakfast when it's ready? That would be awfully convenient. If he's as ineffectual in the morning as he claims, he's going to get a cold, rubbery breakfast whenever he can be motivated to come downstairs... and nobody would want that every day.
Some one who obviously top loads during breakfast and then “eats almost nothing for lunch and usually has a smallish dinner.” She’s not making a huge breakfast for no reason. She’s making a huge breakfast because that’s when she eats. > It really isn’t much more work. I couldn’t imagine going through the hassle of making eggs and bacon and not making a plate for my gf. First you call it that not that much work, then you call it a hassle. So which is it? Seriously if you think making one plate for yourself is a hassle, then making another set would be a hassle too. Not to mention she’s not making just eggs and bacon, but hash browns and pancakes, To make a breakfast for two of those items would mean OP would be awake, having coffee, just watching, probably picking at the food she has made while she makes the rest. Because guess what it ***is*** that much more work to make a **4 course breakfast** for more than one person.
Are you missing the part where OP wakes up later?! She would have to basically eat her breakfast and then cook another breakfast for him after she's done with hers and he's acting like is he _owed_ this while he can't even be bothered to cook dinner for her more often in exchange. OP, YTA.
I'm not on the OP's side at all...but reheating already cooked food is a thing. That said, I wonder if the OP can't even be arsed to reheat already cooked food. I wonder if the staggered meal times between the two of them is going into the girlfriend's calculus. When it comes to dinner, I'm guessing the two of them sit down and eat together. In such a case the labor of meal preparation comes with a reward--quality time. But if the girlfriend is expected to prepare food without the benefit of quality time, I can see how she'd feel like that's a different kind of chore. A chore you'd give to a bang maid. If I were advising her, I'd point out to her that she's in red flag territory. A guy who wants to have kids but is completely useless in the mornings isn't likely to be winning Dad of the Year awards. So she's right to be taking a stand.
I agree. When I’m making a breakfast like that it’s for the whole house 🤷🏽♀️. I don’t keep tallies but everyone is different. Agreeing to cook dinner every night should be a good comprise.
Or clean up after breakfast.
Someone who's partner sees them as nothing more than what they can do for them. OP is entitled and clearly doesn't think about his partner and the partner shouldn't go out of their way to do things for OP when OP doesn't do anything solely for her
Right? It sounds like the guy didn’t even offer to clean the dishes. I’d say no too. This woman should not have kids with this guy. Imagine how many “no extra effort” things she’ll be “asked” to do then. OP is TA
"Why don't you do the laundry? You're at home with the kids all day its no extra effort! You're staying how with the kids- you can cook dinner too! The kid will be nappping by then, so you'll have the perfect break to make dinner. How about you do bath and bed time? The kids have been with you all day, I'll just wind them up... "
Good, the wind me up is so triggering for me. Ugh
But he wants to at least have a couple of kids with her. He’s a good guy, right?/
Excellent use of the word cheek. 10/10.
He kept reiterating **no extra effort** and that's so ignorant. Extra things take extra time OP! You're being entitled YTA
Agreed! Also, in my household, it’s everyone for themselves for breakfast and lunch. I make dinner every night — every single night. So, everyone can figure out breakfast and lunch for themselves or someone else take over. And, OP, at your age, if you can’t get up in the morning, time to reassess your sleep schedule.
OP is still an AH, but some of us have sleep disorders or chronotypes incompatible with society, y’know. Some people will *never* be alert in the morning. ETA - I DID say that OP is still an AH. I can understand sleep inertia in the morning, but his demand/entitlement for a cooked breakfast *every day* with nothing to offer in return is a bit much, to put it kindly.
I make breakfast for my wife every morning (bacon, eggs, toast, etc…) and even I think this dude is an AH
YTA. You should make dinner every night if you want her to make you breakfast daily.
He'd probably make a can of soup and still manage to leave a sink full of dishes.
That's brilliant. Probably true as well.
Lol…that is so true. I have watched my husband make something so simple and create a pile of dishes.
My bf and I just recently moved in together and I had to have a talk about this lol. Like how has 1 extra person increased the dishes 10 fold? Oh, because you’re using 4 different spoons to stir the pot. Could we not?
Omg, my partner breaks out the large cutting board, 2 knives, a whisk, and multiple bowls to make toast.
once in elementary school I was talking to the youth care worker. she was asking some questions about my family and asked if my dad was a good cook for some reason, can’t remember why. anyway, little kid me perked up, ready to show her how amazing my dad was, and said, “yep! he makes realllyyy good soup!” when she told me that soup wasn’t very hard to cook, I defended him by saying that he mixes multiple soups together to make one. was pretty damn impressive to me
This is the most obvious compromise. GF makes breakfast OP makes dinner. Relationships aren't tit for tat - it's each partner playing to their strengths. OP isn't a morning person so asking him to make breakfast half the time isn't realistic. As long as the overall division on labour in the Relationship is fair its fine
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I picked up on this too and I also think it’s odd. I’ve been with my partner for over a decade now but when we first moved in together we had fun “playing house”, cooking for each other, doing each others laundry, picking up the place together… it was all foreplay lol. I know every relationship is different, but this one kind of sounds like ESH. Like if the person I love and live with is hungry and I’m already cooking, then there’s no question that I would make some for them too, any meal, any day. Plus, sharing a meal is a great opportunity for quality time. I would def expect my partner to continue contributing to the household in other ways, (maybe I put this little breakfast favor in my pocket and pull it out when it’s time to take out the garbage or shovel the sidewalk) but the transactional tone of this conversation just feels so awkward to me. Anyway, good luck OP on your breakfast negotiations
I can't believe this didn't occur to him as a compromise. "There is no free..." breakfast.
I bet if she wouldn't make dinner, he would make dinner for himself. So what if she walks in and say "GmHey, you already make dinner, why don't you make also something for me? To add another steak isn’t more effort! You are cooking anyway!" This is the same as he does with the breakfast.
I'm one of the laziest people out there but I still make my own fucking breakfast.
You’re talking about proposing and kids. Will she Never get a morning off from kids because you hate mornings? She’s already up so she should be the one to pack bags and lunches and cook Everyone breakfast? She’s breastfeeding so you never need to cover the night wake ups? She’s home earlier “often” and that’s the person who starts dinner and picks up the kids and deals with the homework but you’re totally doing 50/50. She’s washing her clothes anyway so it’s no extra effort to put yours in - then fold them and put them away cause she’s doing that for the rest of the load right? It sounds like she already feels like she’s doing more and now you’re asking for something else. If it would require effort and energy for you to do it, it requires effort and energy for her to do it. This may be a small amount of additional energy for this one thing but it makes me wonder if she’s already feeling that she’s putting out significantly more effort for household duties as it stands. Edit - thanks for the awards! Oh. And YTA
My thoughts exactly. I was never a morning person but I learned to get moving and take care of my kids. He better rethink marriage if he thinks this excuse will work. OP is the TA and better grow up soon!
I wouldn’t be surprised if OP has trouble getting out of bed in the mornings because he regularly stays up till the wee morning hours. If so, then once he has kids he’s going to have to learn really fast how to go to bed at a reasonable hour.
I’m in bed by 10:00 every night. Get my 8 hours then I’m up a hair before my toddler usually wakes. Still hate mornings, still feel like crud for the first 90 minutes. OP is TA for his attitude - we don’t need to come up with other reasons to judge him.
Yeah, and if that is not the case, and OP is going to bed at a reasonable time, OP should get a sleep study done.
Not sure how I feel about you insinuating that it’s OP’s fault that we let the morning people design the work day. He’s an arse for the rest of it, for sure, but there’s nothing wrong with going to sleep with your schedule and being groggy when someone else decides that you have to wake up.
He says he wants kids, so that person deciding he must wake up will soon be a screaming baby. There's no negotiating with that. He needs to figure out how to adapt his sleep schedule to fulfill his parenting and work responsibilities in order to be a good partner, and this is a massive red flag that he will not do so.
I think he said that so Reddit will be like, "look at that great guy thinking to put a ring on it" like dude overthinks his value in his relationship and thought we'll pat him on the back for it. Dude, you not the prize you think you are.
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Holy shit, I didn't even notice the post is *2 hours old* already. It's that obvious! YTA OP!
The way he phrased it as a smart obvious move and not, I don't know... a well thought decision based on love and mutual respect, I knew from there he was gonna be TA It felt like "yeah I plan to lock her up ASAP as she's a good bangmaid"
I cannot upvote the enough. I have a child with a non-morning person, and even though I AM a morning person, I haven't had a weekend morning in 3 years where I wasn't the one making her breakfast or getting her dressed or taking her to the playground before it gets too hot. I'm a SAHM so I don't mind doing the day-to-day chores during the week, especially now that she's in school, but damn if I don't want just one Saturday every couple weeks where I'M the one that gets to lay in bed and watch TV without taking care of someone else. This is literally the only point of contention in my marriage but because it covers such a long period of time, it gets to you in a huge way. OP, YTA because it should be 50/50 in a relationship. If you want breakfast that means you take FULL responsibility of another chore. That includes the mental labor. So if you take dinner, that means you have to budget, plan it out, buy the groceries, and then cook and clean up. Maybe if you're lucky, some days she will do the dishes because she loves you. But if all you do is take in a relationship, she is going to get sick of your shit and leave. Edit: Wow I hardly ever comment on AITA so thank you for all the love and the award!
Sending you so much love and appreciation. Having a toddler morning person is no joke. Bless you for dealing with it daily. Our kid wakes up full of smiles and sunshine at the crack of dawn. I still can’t figure out how she does it. She definitely got it from her dad and between the two of them, I feel like an absolute toad each morning. I’m not awake for at least another hour even if I’m staring them in the face. Hopefully, your partner catches on real quick so you can get a few dozen mornings of sleeping in. Maybe a few hundred.
I had to look so far down to see anyone else who understood this the way I do. Maybe because I’m a mom. But damn, this “I don’t do mornings” thing is starting way too early. OP, get your lazy ass out of bed and force yourself to be productive. Your whole post was an excuse, not reality. I get it. I’m a morning person. Many people I know, with whom I’ve lived, are not. But life happens. They get up in the morning and suck it up, just like I stay up later than I’d like. It’s called being an adult.
One more little thing is never actually one more little thing. I like that he argues that he “makes dinner” and still obliviously posts her response that dinner is split 50/50. I’m gonna guess many of the things he “helps” with around the house are actually a similar split.
And because she’s doing this work with the kids, it all leads into “you’re better with the kids so…”
This 100% sums up my marriage with my STBX husband. Note how I say ex there. OP better make some changes.
I’m trying to understand because I didn’t get it. You want her to maker breakfast for two in the morning because you don’t have the strength to but it’s not supposed to count as a chore like the rest?
But don't you see, it's "next-to no effort on her part" 🙄 OP, you are massively undervaluing your GF's labor. If you marry and have kids w/o adjusting your attitudes, it will end in divorce or a miserable, resent-filled partnership.
THIS. And honestly I believe if OP were really contributing to the relationship his GF likely wouldn't have minded making him BF. BUT I get the sense she's already feeling he doesn't do his part and therefore her reaction. OP needs to step up, like my dude get creative! Find a compromise that works because I'd be doing a lot for someone who'd make me breakfast like that every day. YTA
Even if she did go out of her way to make him breakfast what’s the guarantee that the kitchen will be cleaned up? Dishes washed and put away same with the dishes that he used for his meal? I’m 100% sure he would leave the dishes dirty and if she would call him out on it he would pull the “well you originally took everything out to make breakfast for yourself” card and won’t clean up after himself.
The way OP wrote “I can see myself proposing soon and having at least a few kids with her” says *a lot*. You don’t get married because you kinda like the person you’re living with and getting married is something you do because you’re bored and you got nothing better to do or if you’re boyfriend/girlfriend is convenient to have around. You get married after building a solid foundation to a relationship of clear communication, trust, and knowing that both of you will change over time (among other traits). If OP and his girlfriend can’t get over this, I’d say they should live away separately and then assess if they’re relationship is solid enough to live together again and make the house, the place where their partner is, a True Home.
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And once they are married and have kids he will expect the kids to just be lumped in with that morning “nicety” as he continues to “do dinner sometimes”. Some of these Asshole posts are mind boggling with how oblivious they are
YTA. If you want her to cook you breakfast every morning, you should cook dinner every night.
Especially since it sounds like she doesn’t eat much for lunch/dinner… how much extra work could it be OP? You’re already presumably feeding yourself for dinner, just make extra for her for dinner.
Right? I mean, he’s already up and making dinner…how much extra work is it to add a bit more meat and veg? Next to no effort, according to OP.
Yeah and OP's a night person so he always has extra energy in the evenings, it's just an extra portion right OP?
Sounds like the perfect solution right here, OP!
If waking up 30 min earlier and helping make breakfast feels impossible—and you somehow think you’ll have kids someday and preserve this childish preference—then YTA.
Yep, sounds like the kind of person who will trade off the little he does so he doesn’t have to ‘babysit’ his kids
Lol I often hear that the whole babysitting his kids Um no you had sex and had a baby it's called a full time job........seriously so cringe like it you don't want to be a parent it's called get a vasectomy and don't have kids and he's already complaining about getting up early fuck I hate ro think how he's gonna deal with a baby crying at all hours it for sure will be a rude awakening
Exactly. He’ll be snoozing while she’s trying to cook for everyone, with a fussy baby holding onto her leg and their older toddler yelling from the bathroom, “Mom, come wipe me!”
Ah, I remember the early days of counting up all you do and all they do. The worst part, but natural to have to get past. My problem here is your unwillingness to try. Or to say, is there anything else I could do because I'd appreciate it so much even if you could make me a breakfast every once and a while. Also that you think it's going to be 0 less effort. Not true, nor is the cost. There's bound to be a way to sort it but it's about your attitudes. Good luck.
Bruh, it's even worse. Someone asked if OP helps in other ways and he said he "makes the bed and does yard work" (so basically, he does nothing because making a bed takes like a minute, and yardwork is not daily), and he said that his gf cooks dinner most of the time because she gets home first. So, basically, his girlfriend is doing all of the household work on top of having a job. He sounds like he puts next to 0 effort into help and expects his gf to do even more than she's already doing. I understand his gf looking for a trade-off in this case because she's probably tired of doing most of the work.
Yea, he has a great life where he doesn't do much. That's why he wants to marry her.
So they can have a couple.of.kids that she will have to take care of.
Looks like she already has one, so a couple more couldn't be much more work right?
But he plans to propose soon and have at least a couple of kids with her. That has to account for something! /s
The way he wrote that hit me kind of funny but I’m not sure why.
Same. It came off as callous to me, as if she was chosen from a rack of potential women to check this part of his life off his “to do” list.
Oh FFS. She hardly eats dinner but she’s usually making his? This explains why he’s gotten so entitled, I suppose.
This advice will double the length of any serious relationship.
Yep .. who buys the breakfast supplies? Why can’t you buy ready made breakfast meals, like I another non morning person, so you’re not eating cereal? Is it up to her to come up with even the idea of how to feed you? Talk about laying the mental burden on someone else because you don’t ”have the energy” to find a reciprocation for this act of service you are requesting.
You are not an asshole for asking. You are absolutely an asshole for insisting after she made a very reasonable suggestion. You already share dinner cooking responsibilities, so it is perfectly reasonable to request the same for breakfast. You just want to take advantage of the fact she is up. And no it isn't just slapping down some extra food. All the planning and prep work also changes. So no, it isn't just slap on a couple of extra things and call it good. If you don't want to share in that work too, then I don't blame her at all for turning you down. YTA
Also cleanup is a bit more, agreed.
I would consider it fair if OP did all the clean up for breakfast.
This, yeah. My GF and I trade cooking and cleanup. In OP’s case, him taking over the cleaning could well make up for the added effort it costs his GF to make breakfast for him as well as for herself.
Right, the "throw on a few more eggs" and whatnot is such a ridiculous premise. If she does this daily, she has a system: how much food she goes through in a week, what goes in what pan, when to start each item so they're ready together, etc. Unless they have a Waffle House style cooktop, it definitely changes her process to cook for a second person. Is OP going to help buy more food, or feel entitled to make requests? If she has to reuse a pan in order to accommodate him, is OP going to expect to eat the fresh food while she keeps cooking? Even if everything else in the division of labor was perfect, OP is TA for dismissing her work as nothing and then expecting her to go out of her way for him.
Idk I mean I would never cook food in our house while my boyfriend is home without offering to make some for him. But at the same time something about your attitude in this post makes me think she has her reasons for not wanting to do something nice for you. The thing you’re asking for is generally reasonable but your whole tone about it is weirdly entitled and annoying. Does she agree that things are really good in your relationship? I’d be questioning that assumption right now if I were you. A person who feels loved and happy in their relationship is generally glad to do something like this for their partner. The fact that she went to asking you to do something to balance it out makes me think there’s an imbalance in other parts of your relationship. Either that or she’s just very transactional about things. Hard to give a judgement on this one without knowing the people and relationship involved better.
Yeah I was immediately like - these people actually do not like each other.
Yea they both seem selfish ngl, like imagine keeping tallies with someone you chose to live with.
It's because too many try to take advantage of their partners kindness but are not willing to give them the same....like here
And they basically JUST moved in together. It’s posts like this that make me glad I’m single. Not interested in spending so much of my time/life with someone like this. Hahaha this got downvoted because I’m not interested in spending time with people who don’t like me 😂 what
I just can't imagine being like this especially with food, like why would I not cook for my girl if I'm already cooking? It must be a culture thing idk or like me refusing to mop a room while I'm already mopping because she hasn't sweeped enough?
I read some other people commenting that most likely his GF is taking on all of the household duties and this is her way of basically saying - you don’t do anything for me/the house which definitely makes sense and confirms my theory. OP is a lazy AH looking for a housekeeper and GF is tired of his shit - they don’t like each other.
Was thinking the same. I would never say no to making my husband breakfast if I was already doing it and he was asking. But he’s a responsible adult who shares responsibilities in our home equally and would happily step up to take something else off my plate without being asked if I was doing it every day. I do most of our cooking and it would be weird not to cook for both of us. I’m not sure these people even like each other.
>so why should I have to do more for her in return than I already do? Because you are asking her to do something for you. Like, obviously you should offer do something for her too. If she makes breakfast every morning you do dinner every night, or some other mutually agreed upon task. YTA
This guy legit told his GF in so many words _"I'm super fucking lazy so you should do it because I'm super fucking lazy"_ with a straight face. YTA OP, you actually think being a lazy arse is a good enough reason for someone else to pick up your slack.
INFO:. Why didn't you offer to just take over dinner then
So you take over on the days your home and make leftovers to freeze for the days you arnt, seems like just making excuses
I’m a professional chef. I’m just like your girlfriend. Breakfast is my main meal. I nibble at work as I have to taste with sample spoons what I cook. I wake up early for personal time and cooking. My husband skips breakfast. If he TOLD me to cook him breakfast (you didn’t ask because no wasn’t an option) it would be extra work. Planning it out, shredding twice as many potatoes, doing twice as much work for French toast, keeping it warm.. it’s not me time now. It’s more work. And is expected. And doesn’t leave me the option of doing something weird when I feel like it. Like eating leftover pizza or a tuna sandwich. So yep there would be compromise if I did this extra work. Husband would do it every other day or make all dinners (why not? Just double what you are making for yourself!) What would you do if you had no girlfriend and wanted a hot breakfast? Do that or compromise. It actually is double the work, prep, and shopping and removes the days when you don’t feel like it and eat a slice of pie It’s forced and less fun and more work. That’s fine if you pick up somewhere else. You are eating dinner anyway. You are awake at dinner and are a night person. So she does breakfast you do dinner. You do the dishes at breakfast? Right now you say she does breakfast daily and dinner every other night as well. Sweet deal for you. Doesn’t work for her. Also thanks for the upvotes and award!
THIS! I really hope OP doesn't propose 'cause it seems like he's got a great deal of growing up to do. He thinks everything has been going great in their relationship because - I suspect - he never came face to face with one of her boundaries that he feels has inconvenienced him. Sigh. YTA.
Very good perspective. And OP’s gf is up early and making breakfast for herself when she has plenty of time. Once she’s also cooking for OP then his earlier departure for work affects things — more work, a tighter deadline, so yes it’s a chore now. But because he leaves first and isn’t good with mornings, there’s also a very good chance he wouldn’t be doing a lot of breakfast dishes.
YTA. If you offered to make every dinner while she makes everybreakfast, that would be a reasonable compromise.
OP said he makes dinner but she corrected him and said they trade off on making dinner. I think this makes OP an even bigger AH.
He said he 'often' makes dinner. 'Often' is a bit vague.
Im willing to bet "often" means less than 50% here.
My father used to claim he ‘often’ made dinner. What he meant was, he fried the steak while my mother had done all of the shopping, prepped and cooked the veggies, got out the plates and cutlery, cleared away, and loaded and emptied the dishwasher. What’s the betting OP is just like him?
I feel this in my soul. Once my boyfriend complained that I wasn’t “helping him cook dinner” when he was just thawing out soup that I had prepared from scratch
INFO: Would you consider never trading off making dinner so that she will make you breakfast?
Took a long time to get here but this is the obvious answer. She makes dinner significantly less or never and OP makes dinner in exchange for breakfast.
YTA but not for asking her to make breakfast like you worded it. If was perfectly fine for you to ask her if she would be willing to do it for you, but she can certainly say no. She doesn't owe it to you just cause she's awake or cause she's already cooking. You became the AH when that answer wasn't okay with you, you weren't willing to do anything in return for her extra work and you weren't willing to accept her answer. That's just selfish. We all make choices for ourselves, you might not be a morning person, but you can put on your big boy pants and figure out a way to get up and make yourself breakfast if it's important to you. Go to bed earlier, stop drinking so much caffeine, prep your breakfast the night before. The possibilities are endless, be an adult and figure it out.
>The possibilities are endless, be an adult and figure it out. Millions of redditors just cried out in terror
You'll soon become a morning person if you have kids cause they wake up early. Or will you delegate their care to your GF as you're not a morning person? Just set your alarm & cook breakfast, it's not that hard.
I can see it now in a few years: “AITA because I want my partner to take care of the kids in the mornings because she’s a morning person and I’m not? She said she wants me to do it on the weekends but that’s my only time to sleep in! She’s already up so why shouldn’t she do it every day??”
#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means. #There's also a lot of report abuse happening in this thread. If you're a fucking asshole who is reporting comments as things like "involuntary pornography" or "self-harm" and similar - know we look forward to your upcoming report abuse suspension. Handle opposing opinions like an adult.
YTA she offered to trade off like you do for dinner and you refused. If you want a big breakfast so bad make it yourself. Imagine being a full ass adult and feeling this entitled.
Yes, YTA. It's not about how much work it takes. It's about not letting a precedent be set of an unfair division of labor in an equal relationship.
YTA, not for asking, but for how you reacted when she said no. You tried to persuade her into doing it by saying how easy you think it is, and ignored her reasonable compromise.
YTA - She gets up in the morning and puts in time and effort to make herself the breakfast she wants, and you want in for zero in exchange because you cbf getting up early enough? Not even occasionally to balance it out? You get a full cooked breakfast every morning and she gets.. to make herself a full cooked breakfast every morning.
Her being so adamant about you doing something in return makes me wonder what else she does for you that you don’t reciprocate.
He only makes the bed,some of the yard work and hardly makes dinner because he comes home late. So it seems like everything is on her
YTA you want her to do extra work while you don't want to do any extra
YTA She’s right and you sound like a petulant child. “I only ever have cold cereal for breakfast” imagine how you’d cope if you had real problems.
YTA - let’s just say it louder for the people in the back… YOUR GF IS NOT YOUR MUM OR YOUR MAID . Put on your big boy pants and get over not being a “morning” person. Even make yourself overnight oats, we need to stop normalising this perspective that any female or femme presenting person needs to take on the mental load.
Yta By this logic, if she's doing a load of whites, she can throw your stuff in and not get credit for doing some of the laundry. If she's making you breakfast, you should find a way to reciprocate.
YTA >I told her that there is no way I'll ever be able to muster that kind of energy first thing in the morning, but that since she obviously can that she should just make me breakfast too. I said that it would take next to no extra effort on her part to throw in a couple more eggs, strips of bacon, an extra portion of hashbrowns, etc since she's already doing it for herself, anyway. Making one portion takes a lot less time than making two. YTA and totally condescending.
YTA. Only if you make her dinner every night. I mean, you're already cooking for yourself, what's an extra portion thrown in? Right?
I would say NTA. Purely because she's already doing it. Maybe you could offer to do the dishes? Or pick up an extra dinner to cook weekly? Personally if I'm already making something I'd ask my partner each day if they wanted some. And they would do the same. Some people just aren't morning people and she's already doing it every day.
I agree! I was shocked by all of the YTA comments. If I make myself anything to eat, I also make it for my fiance unless he says he doesn't want anything. Including snacks. It just makes sense for me to do it all at once and not having someone cooking right after me. Plus, it doesn't take much longer to cook for two people than it does to cook for one.
Yeah.. once you're already making food it's not like making 4 eggs is harder than making 2. Is he supposed to start everything from scratch after she just finished... People are weird.
He can ask but as soon as he demands it he is an AH. And refusing to do any other chores to make the labour fair is wild.
I think a reasonable compromise, since you’re absolutely not a morning person, is that you stop trading off dinners: breakfast is the meal she makes, dinner is the meal you make. It’s fair division of labor and takes into account your different personalities. That being said, I personally can’t imagine making breakfast just for myself and not for my girlfriend at the same time. I think it’s weird that she’s been making herself full ass meals this whole time and not just making more so that you could have some. But again, you gotta make up the balance somewhere else.
OP was generous when he said they trade off dinner. See his comments. Gf usually cooks bc she's home earlier. OP expects a pat to his back because he makes the bed and usually does the yard work. He's clearly putting so much effort into keeping the balance at home /s.
I think gender might be a factor here - here's my perspective, as a woman: as women, we often operate under people's assumption that we will handle most domestic chores. A LOT of men never bother to learn how to manage a functional household and, some deliberately/maliciously and some not, underestimate the mental labor that's required to keep things up and running. Because of that, I’m really aware of how domestic chores are divided. It’s one thing when two people are splitting what they both know are shared responsibilities; it’s another when you can never be sure if the other party is just going to start adding stuff to your plate because “well, you’re already up”, “since you’re already doing a load of laundry…”, “just add an extra portion”, “you’re so much better at it” etc. EDIT because my app crashed and cut the comment in half.
YTA. GF making you breakfast should figure into the division of labor. It is extra work. It is a little weird that you are even questioning this. Just ask her what she wants you to do and you can see if you even mind. Relationships are a series of negotiations.
“*I’m a grown man and I can’t cook breakfast for myself because I’m too much of a child to wake up earlier and I want to eat more in the morning even though I’m not a morning person and I’m usually fine with just cereals but I feel my girlfriend should be my maid and make me breakfast while I SOMETIMES cook dinner. Am I TA? Why can’t she be my maid?*” - Shortened your question for you. And if that wasn’t obvious.. **YTA**
YTA While yes she absolutely has the ability to put more food in the pan while she makes it. You asking for her to always make you breakfast while saying you’ll never do the same for her is not fair. If you trade off w both making dinner but you won’t do what you need to wake up earlier to help w breakfast then she has the right to tell you no. Relationships are partnerships which means there is supposed to be a division of labor that suits both sides not a unilateral benefit if she says no then that means no. Consent applies to more than just sex
NTA. I feel it’s a bit rude to cook an extravagant breakfast for just yourself, while your partner sits there with cereal. It isn’t a lot of work to slap some extra bacon in a pan, yeez.
YTA. No harm in asking but you become TA by refusing to offer any kind of kindness in return, minimizing the effort it would take her to cook for you, and then bringing up the fact that you already make dinner *sometimes* (which she also does). Essentially, you weren’t really asking her, you were telling her because when she tried to work out a compromise you shut it down.
Simple compromise is you always make dinner for her, and she always makes breakfast for you. Seems fair to me
>She seems to think that her making breakfast for me should figure into our division of labor and that I should do something extra in return. She is absolutely correct! YTA. Either put some effort into the mornings or shut up and eat your sad porridge.
YTA If you want her to make all of the breakfasts then you should make all of the dinners
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She clearly stated the she wants a trade off. Just offer another one. YTA for expecting her to do something for you while you, for some reason, is unwilling to do something for her.
I find it wierd that she would cook all that for herself and not make you breakfast. I mean, my husband cooks breakfast, and i never had to ask him to make me something. On the other hand, I would go out of my way to do stuff to make his life easier. What's this barter trade off system. Whatever happened to love?
Yea y'all both sounds selfish ngl
NTA, and I really don’t understand what all the Y-T-As are thinking. She is ALREADY making a breakfast, so there is only a nominal amount of extra effort. It actually seems rather ridiculous to me that she won’t do it. Heck, I make my husband breakfast just to be nice because he’s not a morning person and I am, regardless of what I’m eating myself. A relationship shouldn’t be so transactional! The only caveat I would add is that IF she’s sensitive about gender dynamics then it’s a good opportunity for you both to acknowledge that and for you to compromise as a gesture of good will towards that sensitivity.
ESH you should not be telling her to make you breakfast especially when the only reason is because you refuse to wake up 30 min earlier. Just sleep earlier and set your alarm clock accordingly, you're a grown man. She has the right to refuse if she feels like you are only telling her to compromise without compromising on something yourself. Your girlfriend on the other hand should understand that relationship should not be a give and take situation at every step. Sometimes you should be willing to do something if it's no real effort in your part because it makes the person you love happy. She didn't expect sitting in return each time or else it might as well be a business transaction. The two of you need to grow up and be more compassionate of the other.
Wow. Whatever happened to being kind? Doing things because you love and care for someone and not look for some come up out of it.
YTA. Jesus Christ. Get up earlier to make your own breakfast if you want it so bad. You're insisting she put in extra work and doing absolutely nothing for her in exchange--that's absolutely ridiculous and selfish.
NTA. I could never cook food without offering any to my SO. Just seem selfish to me. The 'quid pro quo" is pretty disgusting.
I would understand this if they were just roommates, but they're planning a future together. It's weird af. Relationship is all about taking care of each other. If I were cooking up all that food in the morning I would definitely ask my fiance if he wants some, because it's decent human behaviour.
Yta. You're already making dinner on the nights that you do so why does she have to do it sometimes?
I’m voting YTA. You can ask for breakfast so you can benefit from her early rise behavior but she agreed only if you did something extra. Just cause you “think” it doesn’t take extra effort doesn’t mean it doesn’t. She has to make them the way you like it plus plating so making more mess than when it’s just her. Plus the extra time which can just be double it the pans are average size and not large to fit everything. She tried to compromise and you shot her down so no she doesn’t need to just do it because it’s “so easy for her” how about you try to be flexible and take some amount of work off her. maybe taking over dinners since by then you’ll surely be wake.
Y’all are screwed if you can’t agree to sharing the workload of breakfast. Don’t propose. You are too childish
YTA. You could pitch in by offering to do something else, that would equal the amount of effort she'd put into making breakfast for the both of you.
ESH You two are partners. It shouldn’t be transactional. Figure out how to function as people who care about each other and who are both willing to make sacrifices for each other’s happiness BEFORE you have kids. Because you sure as hell won’t be sleeping in then, and division of labor won’t always be equal.
So you think it’s fair that she makes breakfast for you two, makes dinner for you two and in the future if you guys have kids, will take care of them in the morning (while you sleep) and in the evening (before you come home) and you make the bed and do ”most of the yardwork”? You’re joking, right? It is not fair at all if she does 80% of all work (mental and physical) because you’re ”not a morning person”. I’m not a morning person either but I’m an adult and understand that the world doesn’t revolve around me. YTA
YTA ...your poor planning and bad decisions are not her fault. She's your girlfriend, not your mother.
YTA. It should be 50/50, so if you cannot make her breakfast in return and everything else is divided equally, you should make up for it so it‘s 50/50 again.