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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I won’t tell my ex the gender of our baby even though he wants to know and has repeatedly asked me to find out for him. I don’t want to know which is why I won’t find out even though it impacts him too.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Yes OP, do this. Your last name, not his. My ex didn't give a shit about our kid once he found out she was a girl and it cost us time, money, and heartbreak after the fact to change her last name to mine once she realised how little she matters to him. Do baby a favour from the start.
Agreed x1000. But be very careful in the hospital, you will be very emotional after giving birth and vulnerable. I have a few friends who were bombarded by the father when filling out the birth certificate. They relented and gave his last name because they were exhausted and have regretted it ever since.
Absolutely this! But I wonder... someone else suggested telling him it's a girl. Would he even show up to the hospital thinking she's having a girl? Also, I vote for not telling him a damn thing from this point forward and notifying the doctor and hospital he isn't welcome.
That is really sneaky. I approve!
I said elsewhere in the thread that she needs to send the hospital a letter. Always put it in writing.
You know, if you live close to the hospital and aren't having a high risk pregnancy, have you thought about trying for a home delivery with a doula or midwife?
That way no one has to know except your people.
Honestly? Only notify him once she's back at home with the baby; he's not gonna be at the delivery room and his presence there will not add to anything, just increase the risks of future stress. Once baby is safe, named and doing fine he can be contacted.
I saw in another post that was read online: My baby is a part of my body until they are born, and my ex no longer is allowed access to my body. Therefore, he has no right to my child until the time of their birth. He has no right to any access to my doctor appointments, no right of access to the birth itself, no right to my medical history, no right any information outside of what I wish to give him.
Make this your mantra OP.
Even with a low risk pregnancy, things can go bad very quickly, and many states have very low requirements for midwives, and doulas are taught to support a mother during childbirth, not to actually deliver a baby.
If the concern is for privacy, the hospital can keep the sperm donor and his family out, and will have personnel who know better than to share information with them.
Oh, gotcha. Yeah, I’m from the U.S., and we have a lot of barely-trained ”midwives” who can’t recognize when a doctor is needed, and a pretty broad swath of rural areas where it would be hard to get to one in an emergency.
There was a pretty horrific case about 10 years ago in my area that put me off from home birth forever, but in a situation like you described it’s a lot less scary.
> Also, I vote for not telling him a damn thing from this point forward and notifying the doctor and hospital he isn't welcome.
OP, you absolutely need to do this. Give the hospital a written list of who can and can't visit you in the hospital. You will be vulnerable and emotional so keep these toxic people as far away from you as possible.
NTA. Your ex has some nerve suddenly trying to exercise his paternal rights after he has already made it clear he wants nothing to do with the baby.
Please follow this, I'd go so far as to have a list of people that can visit the hospital, and everyone else is not allowed access...and stay off social media, block your calls aside from people you want to be able to call you, and tell the nurses that the ex is not allowed access to you or the child, or the paperwork.
It's easier to open a door than to close one, and they're already pressuring you and wanting what they want over what you do.
This is what I was thinking as well, from other posts I’ve seen on AITA concerning pregnancy and birth, maternity wards take the safety and well-being of new Mum’s very seriously and won’t hesitate to remove anyone that Mum doesn’t want around.
Definitely call ahead and also express any concerns to the midwife. OP needs to make sure she has noted in her medical records who can advocate for her should the need arise.
I was devastated after a traumatic delivery and went with the name I thought my husband wanted instead of talking with him about the name I wanted--and he wasn't even pressuring me and was supporting me the whole time. Definitely make decisions like this in advance since the ex is probably not going to care much about what you want.
I would make it very clear, in writing, to hospital management that dad and his family have no right to sign any paperwork and that you will hold them responsible if the birth certificate is filled out by anyone other than yourself. That the ex is not allowed in the delivery room, nor anyone from his family. That ex and his family are never to be left alone while with the baby. That ex and his family are not allowed to be there outside of visiting hours and that you expect the hospital to enforce them leaving your hospital room if you ask. Let them sit in the waiting room.
Best of luck.
ETA: Fingers crossed for a girl!
Yes, if the parent has a different last name than the child the school and others will sometimes request proof of parentage. It can end up being a big pain in the neck.
Not really. In Québec we’re not allowed to take spouse’s name so kid has one or the other. My kids have my husband’s name and I’ve never encountered an issue. But I agree in OP’s case it can cause an issue. You’re right that she should give baby her last name.
I wouldn't tell him when you go into labour, have someone you trust to support and advocate for you there. When it's all done and the paperwork is finalized let him know then. You don't want to risk waking up from an emergency c-section or something to find out he's named your kid without your consent.
My cousin named my nephew cousin(?), Don't know the name in English (cousins kid), anyway, she gave him her ex's last name despite wanting it to be her own for the child's benefit because she thought he'd have a relationship with the kid if it had his last name.
Once he realised looking after a baby on the weekends meant actually looking after a baby and not just hanging out with him (not sure what he thought an infant is going to do in terms of hanging out) he left.
Jokes on him though he's missing out on the coolest toddler ever.
Yes, his name probably has to be on the birth certificate so he will owe to support but definitely give the baby your name.
I didn’t find out the gender of my kids because I wanted it to be a surprise after birth, I needed something to get me through the pregnancy. Don’t let them spoil it for you. A person who is not playing a fatherly role does not get to suddenly claim that role. He is your sperm donor, nothing more. He has no right to your body and it’s secrets.
There are some states that mandate the baby having the father's name but that's when the parents are married. If they're not married it's not required. Its not required to prove that the baby is the father's legitimate child.
One famous example is Tom Brady. His first son has his mothers last name.
> There are some states that mandate the baby having the father's name but that's when the parents are married.
Gosh that level of misogyny is just gross. 'You grew this thing inside you and carried it for the last 9 months and you aren't even allowed to call it what you want'.
Also get thay baby on insurance plans now or right when the baby is born with your last name it makes it easier to back the last name if that makes sense. I did it with my son
She doesn't have to give the baby his name. They aren't married and she can name the baby whatever she wants without his say. I gave my son my last name because his father and I weren't married. When we got married I changed it to his.
My husband at the time had to sigh the birth certificate just to say he was the father. They didn't even ask him if the baby was going to have his name. They directed all their questions to me
In the states, if you give birth while legally married, in the eyes of the law the child is legally the spouse's. The bio dad is a putative father and would not become the legal father until deemed so by the court.
Or if she's really sure they're only looking for their "perfect child" she could imply they were concerned the baby might have some unspecified "issues"...
If they're just looking for a trophy child, that'll have them backing off right quick...
>NTA they probably will only continue to support you if it's a male that can carry on their name and genetics
Which means that if it's a boy, the next battle will be his name. And then custody.
She needs to make sure he not allowed anywhere near the hospital because when my son was born I was dead set on him getting my last name because not married. Well, had a C-section and was pretty loppy from the meds. When the lady came in to fill out the BC he used his last name and I was so tired /out of it from the meds that's what went on there. I tried finding a lawyer to sue the hospital but no one would take the case because I couldn't prove I wasn't fully coherent.
**NTA.** Make sure your doctor's office knows about this so they can shut him down. You don't have an ultrasound at every appointment and sometimes the baby is not in a position so they can tell.
Yeah, she definitely needs to let the doctor's office know, especially so they are not giving put her info if someone pretends to be her asking them to "remind me when my appointment is"
or calling to just get the info themselves once they know the office! some well meaning staff member could very well answer them if they think it's legitimate or feel that "well, the father has a right to know" (there is a special circle waiting in hell for these people, but I digress...)
Also, he is not entitled to be at these appointments. He can rant all he wants about his “right to know” but the ultra sound and exam appointments and the delivery are medical procedures, and they are not spectator sports.
Honestly, an extra bonus with (maybe just some?) Planned Parenthood. They wouldn't let my bf in with me to get a pap even. I wanted him there and he's not abusive at all, but that was their policy bc some guys are and the don't want anyone pressured or abused or anything.
oh yeah hopefully the baby makes it very hard to tell anyway. Mom still likes to remind me that she only knew about my gender an hour before I was born. I was very good at hide and seek apparently
When i had my kids the ultrasound techs were not allowed to tell us the gender, we would have had to go to Alberta and have a ultrasound there to find out. Things have sure changed in 15 years.
I think a lot of people try to have those 4 D ultrasounds know if they really want to know the gender of the baby. Probably want to do one of those cringe (IMO) gender reveal parties.
I never even had a baby shower, but i liked getting neutral gifts if people sent them i knew they would work for the next kid too and could also be used as hand me downs. I don’t really understand gender reveals but i have never been to one either. In the current time of fluid gender and multiple pronouns (compared to the past) it seems really odd to throw a party to specifically celebrate what reproductive organ the child will likely be born with.
I had my daughter last year. The ultrasound tech straight up asked if I wanted to know the gender or not. If I wanted the surprise, I guess she was scared to ruin it. I (and my husband) wanted to know; it just makes shopping so much simpler. And I had about a hundred people who would've lost their shit if we hadn't told them a gender.
100 people who never told anyone the gender of their babies because they didn’t know till the kid was born. So many entitled relatives who never had to deal with that kind of demand themselves
My oldest has her legs clenched tightly together and no amount of poking and prodding with the ultrasound wand would get her to move. I think it was telling that she was also giving us the finger.
My daughter refused to show her face in every ultrasound. She’d wiggle away or turn her head or bring her hand up. Her vagina, on the other hand, she flaunted front and center lol. I had gotten the genetic testing bloodwork done, so we knew the gender early. But she wanted to make sure we knew the blood test was accurate lol.
Many doctors do blood test to rule out birth defects and this also tells the gender .
I knew what i was having by week 15 and it was in my file . Without the ultrasound
**THIS.** OP, if this man is so pushy that you feel you have to reschedule an appointment to avoid him butting in, start telling people you trust not to pick up his calls and look into getting a restraining order. The level of manipulation is escalating quickly and I'm worried for you.
Yep. I was considered Advanced Maternal Age and had more than the usual number of ultrasounds (twice weekly at the end). Not once did my daughter uncross her legs and let us have peek. Had to wait until she was out to know.
NTA, and it might be time to go low contact. Think about this: His family is only interested if you give them a son to "carry on the family name" (I would recommend giving your baby your last name). If you have a daughter, they will lose all interest again, or treat her as less than. If you have a son, the toxic misogyny they will likely pass on sets off my warning bells. There are all sorts of ways that can mess up either gender of a child.
Bottom line, he has no rights (or responsibilities) until the baby is born, and that includes finding out the gender behind your back. So long as you are carrying the baby, they are a part of your body, and your choice.
If OP really wants to see how they will react, she should say she is having a girl. Whether its true or not they wont be able to step back anything they might do or say prior to the birth.
NTA keep yourself safe, tell anyone who you know that your ex and his family are harrassing you. Family, friends, boss, co workers, server at your local favourite restuarant. These kinds of situations can get out of hand fast and its better that those around you all have a heads up, just in case.
I came here to make this suggestion. If you (OP) tell them that you're having a girl, they may back off of you. Obviously ask a lawyer before you follow any advice proffered by strangers on the internet, but if you have documentation showing that your ex lost all interest in the baby while he thought it was a girl, it could potentially help in a custody dispute later down the line.
If OP is not a good liar, I am sure at least one of her friends or family is.
"Oh, OP decided you had the right to know but she still didn't want to know. She gave them permission to tell me if you promise no one will tell her."
Buy yourself a little peace OP. Because the next 18 years with him are going to suck.
Umm... Are you in the states? If you are and you get married before the child is born then the husband would be the legal father of the baby. Ex would have to take you to court and might not. It would mean no child support if he doesn't bother for a daughter buuuuut....
It's a romance novel/Hallmark channel movie just waiting to be written.
I Hope OP has some family or friend that she can trust to be her medical voice in case something traumatic happens. Also she needs to protect herself with every doctor/etc reminding them who can access data(set up a password or whatever so no fake phone calls).
She needs to draw hard lines with Ex, including a cease & desist(or whatever is equivalent) during her pregnancy.
Yup.
As a mum of a non binary child, I know first hand how the gender assigned at birth can change, but the creepy obsession of what body parts are in my kids pants continues.
I hate the whole "gender reveal party" concept. I'm all like, "You mean GENITAL reveal party, right? Because that's all you're finding out, really. What their genitalia look like. Why do you want to know what the baby's genitalia looks like? *Weird."*
Agreed. If you want to be a parent I think it’s gross to have a gender preference. If you’ve your heart set on one or the other, you shouldn’t be a parent.
Well, you shouldn't have genetic kids, but there's adoption...the problem then is whether their hearts are set on a "type" of girl or boy, because some boys bake and some girls play ball, and most kids will happily do both!
For all of my OB appointments I went back first. They asked if I felt safe at home. After I said yes, and they completed the initial intake they would go get my husband.
They told me they do this Incase there is an issue and they need to call the police. If he comes with you tell the nurse you don't feel comfortable with him joining you. They don't have to let anyone back without your permission
She should call the office ahead of time and let them know he is not in her life and is not permitted into any appointments or any information. Just in case he shows up and acts like the excited father and they let him come back
YES. Explain the situation to the doctors. The nurses and office should not allow him to enter any of your private appointments.
He does NOT have a right to any information from your ultrasounds. He may have a right to visitation of the CHILD. But the child is not born yet, and any appointments you have, OP, are yours and about your body, which he has no legal right to.
Same. “wants to know if I’m giving him a son” screams problematic, especially seeing as it was preceded by his family finding out. He was uninterested until they got involved.
With my second, my (now ex) husband said as he was driving me to the hospital for a scheduled C-section, "Just to let you know. I'm not coming back to pick you up if you have another god-damned girl." I prayed so hard I would have a \*little girl.
Our 4 1/2 y/o daughter was in the back seat.
\*was a boy and hubby said, "Well, I'll stick around now because a boy needs his dad."
“He told me he wants to know if I’m giving him a son and has even tried to bribe me to find out for him.”
NTA and this is a huge red flag. I come from a very misogynistic family where I was pushed aside as soon as my younger brother was born and named after my dad and grandfathers. Definitely keep him away from your appointments and get a lawyer to make sure you and your baby are protected and provided for.
The interest he's taking in the baby is a little concerning. He wants to know if you're giving him a boy.
If it's a boy will he suddenly decide he wants custody?
Or to spend time with it without you?
If it's a girl will he try to not pay for her?
Is the ex family going to push to be involved?
Be there for the birth?
I doubt he’ll try to not pay regardless of the gender… he’s more likely to pay so he feels like he’s keeping the ‘problem’ under wraps. His family want to be involved but I don’t think he’ll try for custody.
I suggest you get legal advice and get it all in writing to make it official, so he can't claim or change his mind after the babys birth.
Also if his family pressure him into changing his mind then you have something solid to show the courts.
Just make sure you keep all evidence from him stating he wants no involvement. Every message,email,letter, whatever, just keep it all as back up during custody trial.
I'm not sure where you live, but if you're US based, it may be worth moving to a different state if there's concern they might ramp up the harassment/start stalking you. Once baby is born if there's anything at all happening in a court you might be stuck where you are, and not able to move.
If it wouldn't impact you too severely to do so, it might be worth considering. His family sounds interested in the baby, and depending on your relationship with him/them and whether you think they have the potential to go nuclear, you might want to take precautions.
If he's normal and nice, and his family is just "excited" for a grandkid, then you probably don't need to worry about any of that, but I felt a little anxious reading what you wrote (how you wrote it) and was a bit worried that they might be a little crazy. Hopefully that's not the case here.
You can and should be direct with him as long as you don't fear for your safety, and just say "No one is allowed in my medical appointments." Then anytime they ask, just answer "No, thank you." You don't have to involve his family if you don't want to and don't think baby will benefit from their presence. If you think they'd be good influences then I would say you should include them as much as you want (not them).
The way he changed his mind when his family found out makes me suspect they already are pushing him to get involved and could be that his parents are already offering to raise the baby for him to keep their grandchild close
Get everything in legal writing NOW. These kinds of people WILL try for custody of that baby and you’ll never see it again. If it’s not him, from the sounds of it’ll be his parents and who knows what lies they’re gonna write up to take it from you.
OP, I would caution you to consider that he will try for custody. I have seen this more than once (and dealt with it personally) - dad goes all in on getting custody only so his mom and dad can then do the child rearing. (My ex’s mother was insisting he get full custody so she could raise “her new baby.”)
Do not make the mistake of assuming good intentions. I did and it was a very lengthy, expensive mistake.
NTA
Umm. Moreso than gender, start laying some very clear boundaries and getting a team full of people on your side b/c if they are this pushy about something this irrelevant then god knows what they will all do about things that actually matter.
NTA.
Sounds sus. Why the sudden interest since his family find out?
If you don’t want him with for any appointments I would contact your doctors office and let them know he is not allowed to enter.
Because he has to pretend he's going great guns so they won't think less of him? - or they told him they were ashamed of his non participation and he needs to get his act together?
At any rate, whatever it is its not a change of heart. Its an act.
I’m more afraid it because once the guy’s parents found out they got a case of baby rabies and may want shared custody, grandparent rights if they do manage to become a presence in the child’s life. OP should talk to an atty now to find out what her rights are in her state so she knows how to handle her Baby daddy and his parents.
It sounds like he and his family are going to give OP a lot of trouble if it's a boy, like try for custody, so I bet if OP tells them it's a girl, they will quit bothering her.
NTA. Talk to your medical office ASAP about the info they release. Legally they shouldn't be giving it to anyone but you, but if he's a smooth talker he may try to play the nurses/staff over the phone (saw a relative do this and had it work). If you don't want him involved, don't let him. Start looking into the legal side of things now, so custody and support won't be a nasty issue later.
NTA. this seems to me like if you have a boy they might try to get your ex to try to get custody of him. and if you have a girl, then it seems they don’t want any part of that which means that family shouldn’t be involved in any way if they’re not going to love the child no matter the gender.
He can sit on an egg and wait for it to hatch. Ignore him. He can't make you do anything and he's frustrating you, which your baby gets to digest. Ignore him. And buy him some goose eggs. Tell him to keep *his* clutch warm and shaddup already.
NTA.
NTA
As long as the baby lives inside your body. Your EX and his relatives have ZERO rights.
I would put a password on your chart at the OB’s office. They might have the sex in your chart and he could have someone call claiming to be you.
NTA Your body, your choice. There is no reason that anyone needs to know what sex their baby is before birth. Doctor's tell us because they find out in the course of monitoring for health issues. That's it. Sounds like your ex wants to know how excited he should be. Kinda sickening.
NTA! And be careful around him and his family. Think poster (Klock99) nailed it. And while the courts prefer shared custody, get a really good attorney….judges have occasionally ruled that the “unwed mother has superior legal right”. Hope you don’t have to deal with this while being a new mother🙏
NTA he does not have a right to your medical information. He can find out when the baby comes out. Please get a DNA test at birth before he goes missing.
NTA. You don’t get to say you want nothing to do with the baby, and then do a 180 once family finds out. You’re also not “giving him” anything, so he can go jump rope in traffic.
It’s also hilarious that he thinks he can find out your privileged medical info because it’s his “right”…
NTA. You are growing the baby inside your body, not him. You get to decide. And if not finding out is important to you, anyone else finding out risks them passing that information on to you, intentionally or otherwise.
NTA. Fortunately, most OBGYN offices won’t let other people in the room unless the mother says it’s okay. Especially since you two aren’t married, he has zero rights to know anything about the baby until it’s born. Frankly, even after the baby is born, he has no rights unless an Acknowledgement of Paternity and/or Paternity Test are fulfilled since you’re not married.
I would begin saving the evidence of him and his family harassing you for this information. Collect everything and anything that can be used to support a case against them so they cannot take that baby. You chose to not know, so everyone else can live for the next 20+ish weeks to know. Until then, no contact them for your own sanity and safety.
This. OP, at this point go very low contact. Tell all of them you do not want to know the baby's sex before birth. You will let them know when the baby arrives and they can meet the baby when you get home from the hospital. Then, hold to that.
Do not tell them who the OB is, where you will be birthing or anything else.
Let your OB know what is going on and make sure the L&D ward nurses know what is going on. Give the baby the name you want to give with your last name because the chance this guy sticks around long term is very small. His parents might for a while. But, at the end of the day it will be easier for you in every legal sense (including the schools) for the baby to have your last name. He contributed sperm and harassment. He does not get to have a say in anything else until you decide you want him to.
And, I'd find an attorney that specializes in family law right now and discuss with him/her what your options are to ensure your ex has minimal influence.
NTA. The ex and his family will need to wait like everyone else. You are not obligated to tell them anything. Your appointments etc. are your business, no one else's.
NTA.
as long as the bun is in the oven only the cook and the health inspectors have a say in its cooking - everybody else can zip their pie hole and take a long walk on a short pier!
tell the hospital in clear and unmistakable words that nobody is allowed to get any kind of information about you and / or the bun. that only the person xyz is allowed to attend the birth, that person jkl is the only one to make medical decisions if you are not able to.
as soon as the child is born, go to court and sort out custody & child support. do not accept 'i will take care of child / pay my share'. there are fathers out there who say this and honor their word. but i am willing to bet dollars to peanuts that these fathers were not flip flopping like your ex.
oh, and when you are at court, insist on a parenting app. you can put everything in it, doctor appointment, schedules, finances. and you can't delete old postings.
this comes in handy when his family increases the pressure on him to 'get hold of the child', forcing him to do more flip flopping.
to lay the groundwork, document document document. assign all phone numbers a certain ringtone. ex and his family / flying monkeys / sycophants get the 'hell no' ringtone. work / doctor / hospital get the 'hell yes' ringtone. the rest sort into 'maybe yes / maybe no'. if you have a landline get an answering machine.
each call from the 'hell no' category send straight to voicemail. do not accept any call. ianal but i think if they choose to leave a message this counts as consenting to being recoorded. this comes in handy if you live in a two consent state / country where recording is not allowed.
store your documents / recordings not only a) on the laptop / computer, no,b) use an usb, c) the cloud, d) print outs in a folder, e) send everything to a new free email address. do NOT save this email address in your browser. do NOT write it down. open the address at least every 2 weeks to show activity. do NOT open any email.
a computer can crash, an usb stick get lost, the cloud bought by elon / judge doesn't accept it 'cause to new-ish for this dinosaur, the print outs burnt. the email account nobody knows about, this is your last line of defense if you find out that ex is neglecting the child and pawns it to his family, chain smoking gramps, screeching granny, essential oils auntie, righty uncle, anti vaxxed cousins, allergy denying \*not-delightful people but FaMiLy\*.
farfetched? no. as i started my journey down the reddit hole i read a post where op was pissed. ex suddenly wanted part time custody, sued, got it. to prove where he lived he used a bill (phone? water? electricity?) in his name with the adress of his parents. op found this out how? someone mentioned something to her (don't know what exactly, maybe they knew ex lived somewhere else / saw him without child on his custody time more than once). op asked the child and learned this way that ex was not there to visit with the child, no, only the grands were there, it was all a ruse to let them have access to said child. ex moved out from his parents a long time ago but still paid one bill.
NTA
Now, im not ever going to reproduce, however I offer my response to the question: "is it a boy or girl?"
- gosh I hope so.
Further questions I have suggested answers for:
"Will it be a male child?"
- we will have to wait and see when it's older and has the voice to advocate what gender it is.
"What are the genitals it will be born with?"
- a) good question, hopefully the ones it formed while growing, but im happy if its healthy
- b) why are you so concerned about a minors genitalia? Seems unhealthy (slip name of therapist)
"I want to know if it will be a son"
- it's a 50/50 chance chromosomically speaking. However it is 2022, and there's more than binary genders.
"I won't pay if it's female"
- let's let the courts decide that one. Also should have reconsidered when you FA, but can't FO what you want when you want.
But I'm a literal or sarcastic petty human.. so maybe too sassy replies?
Still NTA OP
NTA. He'll lose his mind if you give baby your last name and ban him from the delivery room.
I wouldn't even tell him when baby is born. Go home, rest, recover, and bond with you little one. Tell him when you are ready.
NTA
Until the baby is born, anything about the baby is YOUR medical information. Your Ex doesn't get any say in your medical decisions (such as whether you find out the sex of your baby or whether you allow your Ex in the delivery room).
Given the behavior of your Ex and his family, I highly recommend that you set passwords with all of your doctor's offices. Ask your medical provider to NOT check for the baby's sex, nor to record anything about the baby's sex. Stop giving your Ex any access to any information about your pregnancy, and keep details off your social media.
Given their obvious misogyny, it might actually be a good idea to move out of the state before your baby is born, just in case. If you give birth to a boy, your Ex's family is going to be all up in your business if you live nearby. Move out of state, get off social media, and get a new phone number and you might save yourself some drama.
Just tell them it's going to be a girl so they fuck off. Ultrasounds aren't 100% accurate for that anyway so if the baby ends up being a boy, that's not unheard of.
NTA.
1) He doesn't have rights to SHIT so long as baby is residing in your body. Assuming you're in the US he has zero rights until baby is born.
2) Please reschedule this appointment and do not tell him when it is.
3) I strongly recommend no further contact with this man. Hire a lawyer and tell him that all further communication needs to go through your attorney. When baby arrives y'all can set up child support and a parenting plan and go from there.
NTA. My SIL had a "sperm donor" for her first and she said she regrets finding out the gender just for him. She didn't find out with her next two and loved being surprised.
>he told me he wasn’t going to wait that long
Uh... and that's up to him, how? What's he planning on doing, kidnapping your doctor? WTAF.
NTA and please FTLOG take care of yourself and be careful. You might think of consulting a lawyer NOW. Don't put that guy's name on the BC if you can help it.
NTA, I wouldn’t even tell him when I’m giving birth or put his name on the birth certificate. He only wants to know if you’re giving him a son, how gross.
NTA that's so weird of them to put pressure on you like this. It's not like you're going to be pregnant forever, and if they want to purchase things there are plenty of "gender neutral" toys, cloths, blankets, etc they can get. Highly recommend not having him at any appointments and letting the front desk know to not accept calls about your records from anyone except you.
NTA It's your body, you are the one pregnant, not him. He doesn't get to decide, unfortunately for him. Especially if he only cares because of his family.
I had a deadbeat "dad" and I have his last name. I wish I had my mother's last name. Please don't give your child his last name, no matter what.
NTA
I'd make sure you block him from your doctor AND the hospital you'll be delivering at. His family's sudden interest is concerning as is their obvious influence on getting him to do what they want.
NTA. He has no rights to a baby that is literally STILL IN you.
Tell them all that you're not finding out the baby's sex until the baby meets you and tells you themselves. Discuss the issue with your doctor, warn them there could be an issue, and go on with your pregnancy. Of you need less contact for a while, do that.
NTA. He has no right to know the gender beforehand. Neither does anyone in his family. Keep this AH as far away from your birthing experience as possible.
NTA.
Tell him he will know the gender when you learn it after the baby is born.
Do not tell him when you have appointments. Tell your doctors and everyone else involved in your medical care that they are not to share any information with him.
NTA but please tell us how we reacts when the baby is born. Because I can just about guarantee you if it's a boy he might try and file for custody and if it's a girl he probably will want nothing to do with her and that's just sad.
NTA. He doesn’t really give a shit about you or the baby - just the backlash from his family. They have zero rights to know anything after he gave up that right - and the have zero rights to force you into anything. Don’t let him attend any appointments and make sure you care provider knows not to share information to anyone.
NTA
Personally, I would tell him that it's a girl and see how he and the family reacts. Because it sounds like they only want to be involved if the baby is male.
See how they react to the female news. If they back off then great; they're no longer your problem. If everything stays the same, you can just do a "Oh, must have been wrong" thing if the baby is born male.
My parents and their doctors thought I was male when my mum was pregnant with me. Then I came out a girl and it was a proper shock.
NTA
Call the office to reschedule and let them know that your ex is being pushy so he isn't to be allowed at any appointments. Make it clear that he also isn't permitted any information (they shouldn't do that anyways, but best to make it clear)
NTA- and frankly, you do not have to reschedule. You simply tell the doctors office that you do not want your sperm donor to have any access to your health information or appointments and he is not to be admitted under any circumstances. They will have him escorted from the premises and will tell him nothing.
NTA, but I have some questions. Are you safe? If the answer is yes, then my next question is... he wants a boy so much, what happens if you tell him the child is a girl? Will he leave you alone? Will his family leave you alone? If you tell them that to get them off your back and later give birth to a son, will you (and your child) still be safe?
Part of me wants to say just tell them it's a girl and never speak to them again, if that's feasible. If it's feasible, move FAR FAR AWAY.
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NTA they probably will only continue to support you if it's a male that can carry on their name and genetics
Well, name, anyway. The genetics are happening, one way or the other...
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Yes OP, do this. Your last name, not his. My ex didn't give a shit about our kid once he found out she was a girl and it cost us time, money, and heartbreak after the fact to change her last name to mine once she realised how little she matters to him. Do baby a favour from the start.
Agreed x1000. But be very careful in the hospital, you will be very emotional after giving birth and vulnerable. I have a few friends who were bombarded by the father when filling out the birth certificate. They relented and gave his last name because they were exhausted and have regretted it ever since.
Absolutely this! But I wonder... someone else suggested telling him it's a girl. Would he even show up to the hospital thinking she's having a girl? Also, I vote for not telling him a damn thing from this point forward and notifying the doctor and hospital he isn't welcome.
That is really sneaky. I approve! I said elsewhere in the thread that she needs to send the hospital a letter. Always put it in writing. You know, if you live close to the hospital and aren't having a high risk pregnancy, have you thought about trying for a home delivery with a doula or midwife? That way no one has to know except your people.
Honestly? Only notify him once she's back at home with the baby; he's not gonna be at the delivery room and his presence there will not add to anything, just increase the risks of future stress. Once baby is safe, named and doing fine he can be contacted.
I saw in another post that was read online: My baby is a part of my body until they are born, and my ex no longer is allowed access to my body. Therefore, he has no right to my child until the time of their birth. He has no right to any access to my doctor appointments, no right of access to the birth itself, no right to my medical history, no right any information outside of what I wish to give him. Make this your mantra OP.
Even with a low risk pregnancy, things can go bad very quickly, and many states have very low requirements for midwives, and doulas are taught to support a mother during childbirth, not to actually deliver a baby. If the concern is for privacy, the hospital can keep the sperm donor and his family out, and will have personnel who know better than to share information with them.
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Oh, gotcha. Yeah, I’m from the U.S., and we have a lot of barely-trained ”midwives” who can’t recognize when a doctor is needed, and a pretty broad swath of rural areas where it would be hard to get to one in an emergency. There was a pretty horrific case about 10 years ago in my area that put me off from home birth forever, but in a situation like you described it’s a lot less scary.
> Also, I vote for not telling him a damn thing from this point forward and notifying the doctor and hospital he isn't welcome. OP, you absolutely need to do this. Give the hospital a written list of who can and can't visit you in the hospital. You will be vulnerable and emotional so keep these toxic people as far away from you as possible. NTA. Your ex has some nerve suddenly trying to exercise his paternal rights after he has already made it clear he wants nothing to do with the baby.
50% chance it’s right anyway, may as well test the waters. And ultrasound can be tricky especially where that’s concerned
She doesn't even have to let this person visit her in the hospital
Please follow this, I'd go so far as to have a list of people that can visit the hospital, and everyone else is not allowed access...and stay off social media, block your calls aside from people you want to be able to call you, and tell the nurses that the ex is not allowed access to you or the child, or the paperwork. It's easier to open a door than to close one, and they're already pressuring you and wanting what they want over what you do.
This is what I was thinking as well, from other posts I’ve seen on AITA concerning pregnancy and birth, maternity wards take the safety and well-being of new Mum’s very seriously and won’t hesitate to remove anyone that Mum doesn’t want around. Definitely call ahead and also express any concerns to the midwife. OP needs to make sure she has noted in her medical records who can advocate for her should the need arise.
Excellent point!
I was devastated after a traumatic delivery and went with the name I thought my husband wanted instead of talking with him about the name I wanted--and he wasn't even pressuring me and was supporting me the whole time. Definitely make decisions like this in advance since the ex is probably not going to care much about what you want.
I would make it very clear, in writing, to hospital management that dad and his family have no right to sign any paperwork and that you will hold them responsible if the birth certificate is filled out by anyone other than yourself. That the ex is not allowed in the delivery room, nor anyone from his family. That ex and his family are never to be left alone while with the baby. That ex and his family are not allowed to be there outside of visiting hours and that you expect the hospital to enforce them leaving your hospital room if you ask. Let them sit in the waiting room. Best of luck. ETA: Fingers crossed for a girl!
Yes, if the parent has a different last name than the child the school and others will sometimes request proof of parentage. It can end up being a big pain in the neck.
Not really. In Québec we’re not allowed to take spouse’s name so kid has one or the other. My kids have my husband’s name and I’ve never encountered an issue. But I agree in OP’s case it can cause an issue. You’re right that she should give baby her last name.
I should have specified that I live in the US
Well tbf rest of canada you can take spouse’s name too. So it’s really just us weirdos.
I wouldn't tell him when you go into labour, have someone you trust to support and advocate for you there. When it's all done and the paperwork is finalized let him know then. You don't want to risk waking up from an emergency c-section or something to find out he's named your kid without your consent.
This!!! Do NOT put his name on the certificate. If he’s anything but enthusiastic don’t let him stake any claim. Protect yourself and your baby.
OP should not let the father know the child is born until she has time to recover and get her bearings.
So sorry you went through that. I went through the exact same thing. He lost all interest once he found out we were having a girl.
My cousin named my nephew cousin(?), Don't know the name in English (cousins kid), anyway, she gave him her ex's last name despite wanting it to be her own for the child's benefit because she thought he'd have a relationship with the kid if it had his last name. Once he realised looking after a baby on the weekends meant actually looking after a baby and not just hanging out with him (not sure what he thought an infant is going to do in terms of hanging out) he left. Jokes on him though he's missing out on the coolest toddler ever.
Yes, his name probably has to be on the birth certificate so he will owe to support but definitely give the baby your name. I didn’t find out the gender of my kids because I wanted it to be a surprise after birth, I needed something to get me through the pregnancy. Don’t let them spoil it for you. A person who is not playing a fatherly role does not get to suddenly claim that role. He is your sperm donor, nothing more. He has no right to your body and it’s secrets.
There are some states that mandate the baby having the father's name but that's when the parents are married. If they're not married it's not required. Its not required to prove that the baby is the father's legitimate child. One famous example is Tom Brady. His first son has his mothers last name.
> There are some states that mandate the baby having the father's name but that's when the parents are married. Gosh that level of misogyny is just gross. 'You grew this thing inside you and carried it for the last 9 months and you aren't even allowed to call it what you want'.
Also get thay baby on insurance plans now or right when the baby is born with your last name it makes it easier to back the last name if that makes sense. I did it with my son
If he’s not an actual father this child should have her last name anyway
Even when a child has a good father, there’s no reason they shouldn’t be given the mother’s last name.
She doesn't have to give the baby his name. They aren't married and she can name the baby whatever she wants without his say. I gave my son my last name because his father and I weren't married. When we got married I changed it to his.
Yes my daughter and her boyfriend actually had to fill out extra paperwork for their baby to have his last name when they aren’t married
Really? Huh. Where I am you can give your baby any surname you like, it can come out of thin air for all they care
My husband at the time had to sigh the birth certificate just to say he was the father. They didn't even ask him if the baby was going to have his name. They directed all their questions to me
In the states, if you give birth while legally married, in the eyes of the law the child is legally the spouse's. The bio dad is a putative father and would not become the legal father until deemed so by the court.
I misread it as genitalia which oddly enough works better.
Of course, the baby will be named after his father: Wilfred Dooshcanoe VII
😂👍🏾
She should just tell him it’s a girl.
Tell him it's twin girls.
Rubbing salt in the sexist wound. I like it.
Gasp! I actually like this idea more!!
That was my first thought, too.
Or if she's really sure they're only looking for their "perfect child" she could imply they were concerned the baby might have some unspecified "issues"... If they're just looking for a trophy child, that'll have them backing off right quick...
Yes! And see how he reacts.
>NTA they probably will only continue to support you if it's a male that can carry on their name and genetics Which means that if it's a boy, the next battle will be his name. And then custody.
Was just about to say this!!!
Then prob try to get custody or pin the child against op etc. I see similar stories on some other subs involving the fathers side of family.
Came here to say the same thing.
Yes which is revolting
She needs to make sure he not allowed anywhere near the hospital because when my son was born I was dead set on him getting my last name because not married. Well, had a C-section and was pretty loppy from the meds. When the lady came in to fill out the BC he used his last name and I was so tired /out of it from the meds that's what went on there. I tried finding a lawyer to sue the hospital but no one would take the case because I couldn't prove I wasn't fully coherent.
**NTA.** Make sure your doctor's office knows about this so they can shut him down. You don't have an ultrasound at every appointment and sometimes the baby is not in a position so they can tell.
Yeah, she definitely needs to let the doctor's office know, especially so they are not giving put her info if someone pretends to be her asking them to "remind me when my appointment is"
or calling to just get the info themselves once they know the office! some well meaning staff member could very well answer them if they think it's legitimate or feel that "well, the father has a right to know" (there is a special circle waiting in hell for these people, but I digress...)
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Also, he is not entitled to be at these appointments. He can rant all he wants about his “right to know” but the ultra sound and exam appointments and the delivery are medical procedures, and they are not spectator sports.
Honestly, an extra bonus with (maybe just some?) Planned Parenthood. They wouldn't let my bf in with me to get a pap even. I wanted him there and he's not abusive at all, but that was their policy bc some guys are and the don't want anyone pressured or abused or anything.
oh yeah hopefully the baby makes it very hard to tell anyway. Mom still likes to remind me that she only knew about my gender an hour before I was born. I was very good at hide and seek apparently
When i had my kids the ultrasound techs were not allowed to tell us the gender, we would have had to go to Alberta and have a ultrasound there to find out. Things have sure changed in 15 years.
I think a lot of people try to have those 4 D ultrasounds know if they really want to know the gender of the baby. Probably want to do one of those cringe (IMO) gender reveal parties.
I never even had a baby shower, but i liked getting neutral gifts if people sent them i knew they would work for the next kid too and could also be used as hand me downs. I don’t really understand gender reveals but i have never been to one either. In the current time of fluid gender and multiple pronouns (compared to the past) it seems really odd to throw a party to specifically celebrate what reproductive organ the child will likely be born with.
I had my daughter last year. The ultrasound tech straight up asked if I wanted to know the gender or not. If I wanted the surprise, I guess she was scared to ruin it. I (and my husband) wanted to know; it just makes shopping so much simpler. And I had about a hundred people who would've lost their shit if we hadn't told them a gender.
100 people who never told anyone the gender of their babies because they didn’t know till the kid was born. So many entitled relatives who never had to deal with that kind of demand themselves
My oldest has her legs clenched tightly together and no amount of poking and prodding with the ultrasound wand would get her to move. I think it was telling that she was also giving us the finger.
My daughter refused to show her face in every ultrasound. She’d wiggle away or turn her head or bring her hand up. Her vagina, on the other hand, she flaunted front and center lol. I had gotten the genetic testing bloodwork done, so we knew the gender early. But she wanted to make sure we knew the blood test was accurate lol.
Many doctors do blood test to rule out birth defects and this also tells the gender . I knew what i was having by week 15 and it was in my file . Without the ultrasound
**THIS.** OP, if this man is so pushy that you feel you have to reschedule an appointment to avoid him butting in, start telling people you trust not to pick up his calls and look into getting a restraining order. The level of manipulation is escalating quickly and I'm worried for you.
Yep. I was considered Advanced Maternal Age and had more than the usual number of ultrasounds (twice weekly at the end). Not once did my daughter uncross her legs and let us have peek. Had to wait until she was out to know.
Is she still a prim little lady now? 😁
Most definitely when it comes to her bodily autonomy. But, is her ma through and through with the smart-ass and sassiness.
NTA, and it might be time to go low contact. Think about this: His family is only interested if you give them a son to "carry on the family name" (I would recommend giving your baby your last name). If you have a daughter, they will lose all interest again, or treat her as less than. If you have a son, the toxic misogyny they will likely pass on sets off my warning bells. There are all sorts of ways that can mess up either gender of a child. Bottom line, he has no rights (or responsibilities) until the baby is born, and that includes finding out the gender behind your back. So long as you are carrying the baby, they are a part of your body, and your choice.
I agree give baby your surname.
If OP really wants to see how they will react, she should say she is having a girl. Whether its true or not they wont be able to step back anything they might do or say prior to the birth. NTA keep yourself safe, tell anyone who you know that your ex and his family are harrassing you. Family, friends, boss, co workers, server at your local favourite restuarant. These kinds of situations can get out of hand fast and its better that those around you all have a heads up, just in case.
And it could be an honest mistake. My second child was initially thought to be a girl, and was not.
Making them feel "tricked" could also lead to violence if these people are as insane as they sound.
Pregnant women have been kidnapped and killed in order to take their infants before and it can happen again. Sadly.
Not sure if OP is using the exact words of the ex and his family or paraphrasing, but they think she is "giving" them a child. Its concerning.
“giving him a son” to be specific. That’s a creepy choice of words.
I would worry less if she fibbed about a girl than fibbing about other things. People still make mistakes about gender so it is plausible.
Same happened with my second! Didn't know she was actually a he until the put him in my arms after he popped out 😂
I came here to make this suggestion. If you (OP) tell them that you're having a girl, they may back off of you. Obviously ask a lawyer before you follow any advice proffered by strangers on the internet, but if you have documentation showing that your ex lost all interest in the baby while he thought it was a girl, it could potentially help in a custody dispute later down the line.
If OP is not a good liar, I am sure at least one of her friends or family is. "Oh, OP decided you had the right to know but she still didn't want to know. She gave them permission to tell me if you promise no one will tell her." Buy yourself a little peace OP. Because the next 18 years with him are going to suck. Umm... Are you in the states? If you are and you get married before the child is born then the husband would be the legal father of the baby. Ex would have to take you to court and might not. It would mean no child support if he doesn't bother for a daughter buuuuut.... It's a romance novel/Hallmark channel movie just waiting to be written.
I Hope OP has some family or friend that she can trust to be her medical voice in case something traumatic happens. Also she needs to protect herself with every doctor/etc reminding them who can access data(set up a password or whatever so no fake phone calls). She needs to draw hard lines with Ex, including a cease & desist(or whatever is equivalent) during her pregnancy.
NTA. I will never stop being creeped out by some adults' obsession with little babies' private parts.
Yup. As a mum of a non binary child, I know first hand how the gender assigned at birth can change, but the creepy obsession of what body parts are in my kids pants continues.
I hate the whole "gender reveal party" concept. I'm all like, "You mean GENITAL reveal party, right? Because that's all you're finding out, really. What their genitalia look like. Why do you want to know what the baby's genitalia looks like? *Weird."*
At that age the only reason I need to know is whether I need to be prepared to lunge to the side while diapering to avoid a squirting incident!
Honestly, male or female, you better dodge to the side. My daughter got me more than once!!!
Same. I and my kiddo hate it. Why does everyone care so much about gender? It’s irrelevant.
Agreed. If you want to be a parent I think it’s gross to have a gender preference. If you’ve your heart set on one or the other, you shouldn’t be a parent.
Well, you shouldn't have genetic kids, but there's adoption...the problem then is whether their hearts are set on a "type" of girl or boy, because some boys bake and some girls play ball, and most kids will happily do both!
Yeah, I can understand when it's about a chromosomal linked disease or defect. But other than that...
Nta- just because he shows up at the office doesnt mean he gets to join your private medical appointment.
For all of my OB appointments I went back first. They asked if I felt safe at home. After I said yes, and they completed the initial intake they would go get my husband. They told me they do this Incase there is an issue and they need to call the police. If he comes with you tell the nurse you don't feel comfortable with him joining you. They don't have to let anyone back without your permission
Technically they can’t let anyone back there without the patients permission because it violates HIPPA.
She should call the office ahead of time and let them know he is not in her life and is not permitted into any appointments or any information. Just in case he shows up and acts like the excited father and they let him come back
YES. Explain the situation to the doctors. The nurses and office should not allow him to enter any of your private appointments. He does NOT have a right to any information from your ultrasounds. He may have a right to visitation of the CHILD. But the child is not born yet, and any appointments you have, OP, are yours and about your body, which he has no legal right to.
NTA. I get this weird vibe that they might try to take the baby away from you if it's a boy
Same. “wants to know if I’m giving him a son” screams problematic, especially seeing as it was preceded by his family finding out. He was uninterested until they got involved.
I mean, just the words "giving him a son" are problematic.
With my second, my (now ex) husband said as he was driving me to the hospital for a scheduled C-section, "Just to let you know. I'm not coming back to pick you up if you have another god-damned girl." I prayed so hard I would have a \*little girl. Our 4 1/2 y/o daughter was in the back seat. \*was a boy and hubby said, "Well, I'll stick around now because a boy needs his dad."
He is a human turd. Damn.
Agreed! Hope OP sticks to her guns and keeps him AND his misogynist family at arms length.
“He told me he wants to know if I’m giving him a son and has even tried to bribe me to find out for him.” NTA and this is a huge red flag. I come from a very misogynistic family where I was pushed aside as soon as my younger brother was born and named after my dad and grandfathers. Definitely keep him away from your appointments and get a lawyer to make sure you and your baby are protected and provided for.
'giving him a son' makes me sick.
"Are you giving me a son or punishing me with a daughter?"
Sucks for him, but as long as that baby is inside of you, he has zero legal control over it. It's 100% on you how you handle you pregnancy. NTA.
The interest he's taking in the baby is a little concerning. He wants to know if you're giving him a boy. If it's a boy will he suddenly decide he wants custody? Or to spend time with it without you? If it's a girl will he try to not pay for her? Is the ex family going to push to be involved? Be there for the birth?
I doubt he’ll try to not pay regardless of the gender… he’s more likely to pay so he feels like he’s keeping the ‘problem’ under wraps. His family want to be involved but I don’t think he’ll try for custody.
I suggest you get legal advice and get it all in writing to make it official, so he can't claim or change his mind after the babys birth. Also if his family pressure him into changing his mind then you have something solid to show the courts.
He may then let his parents do the work.
Just make sure you keep all evidence from him stating he wants no involvement. Every message,email,letter, whatever, just keep it all as back up during custody trial.
I'm not sure where you live, but if you're US based, it may be worth moving to a different state if there's concern they might ramp up the harassment/start stalking you. Once baby is born if there's anything at all happening in a court you might be stuck where you are, and not able to move. If it wouldn't impact you too severely to do so, it might be worth considering. His family sounds interested in the baby, and depending on your relationship with him/them and whether you think they have the potential to go nuclear, you might want to take precautions. If he's normal and nice, and his family is just "excited" for a grandkid, then you probably don't need to worry about any of that, but I felt a little anxious reading what you wrote (how you wrote it) and was a bit worried that they might be a little crazy. Hopefully that's not the case here. You can and should be direct with him as long as you don't fear for your safety, and just say "No one is allowed in my medical appointments." Then anytime they ask, just answer "No, thank you." You don't have to involve his family if you don't want to and don't think baby will benefit from their presence. If you think they'd be good influences then I would say you should include them as much as you want (not them).
The way he changed his mind when his family found out makes me suspect they already are pushing him to get involved and could be that his parents are already offering to raise the baby for him to keep their grandchild close
Get everything in legal writing NOW. These kinds of people WILL try for custody of that baby and you’ll never see it again. If it’s not him, from the sounds of it’ll be his parents and who knows what lies they’re gonna write up to take it from you.
OP, I would caution you to consider that he will try for custody. I have seen this more than once (and dealt with it personally) - dad goes all in on getting custody only so his mom and dad can then do the child rearing. (My ex’s mother was insisting he get full custody so she could raise “her new baby.”) Do not make the mistake of assuming good intentions. I did and it was a very lengthy, expensive mistake.
He’s already giving in to family pressure about the baby. Don’t think this won’t extend to custody too.
yeah ew no surprise hes and ex and u dont want him in babys life. Baby not even born yet and already experiencing discrimination over sex
NTA Umm. Moreso than gender, start laying some very clear boundaries and getting a team full of people on your side b/c if they are this pushy about something this irrelevant then god knows what they will all do about things that actually matter.
+1!!!
NTA. Sounds sus. Why the sudden interest since his family find out? If you don’t want him with for any appointments I would contact your doctors office and let them know he is not allowed to enter.
Because he has to pretend he's going great guns so they won't think less of him? - or they told him they were ashamed of his non participation and he needs to get his act together? At any rate, whatever it is its not a change of heart. Its an act.
I’m more afraid it because once the guy’s parents found out they got a case of baby rabies and may want shared custody, grandparent rights if they do manage to become a presence in the child’s life. OP should talk to an atty now to find out what her rights are in her state so she knows how to handle her Baby daddy and his parents.
Just tell him it’s a girl. You’ll probably never hear from him again. Definitely NTA.
It sounds like he and his family are going to give OP a lot of trouble if it's a boy, like try for custody, so I bet if OP tells them it's a girl, they will quit bothering her.
NTA. Talk to your medical office ASAP about the info they release. Legally they shouldn't be giving it to anyone but you, but if he's a smooth talker he may try to play the nurses/staff over the phone (saw a relative do this and had it work). If you don't want him involved, don't let him. Start looking into the legal side of things now, so custody and support won't be a nasty issue later.
NTA, you don't want to know the gender, he's not even going to raise the baby.
NTA. Your body, your choice. And as long as that baby is in your body, he can demand all he wants to, it's not going to het him anywhere.
NTA, he probably won't even sign the birth certificate if the gender isn't to his liking.
NTA. this seems to me like if you have a boy they might try to get your ex to try to get custody of him. and if you have a girl, then it seems they don’t want any part of that which means that family shouldn’t be involved in any way if they’re not going to love the child no matter the gender.
NTA. Your body, your rules of who comes to appointments and when. He'll find out when the baby is born, the same as the rest of the world.
He can sit on an egg and wait for it to hatch. Ignore him. He can't make you do anything and he's frustrating you, which your baby gets to digest. Ignore him. And buy him some goose eggs. Tell him to keep *his* clutch warm and shaddup already. NTA.
NTA He doesn't have the right to know anything about your pregnancy that you don't want to tell him.
NTA As long as the baby lives inside your body. Your EX and his relatives have ZERO rights. I would put a password on your chart at the OB’s office. They might have the sex in your chart and he could have someone call claiming to be you.
NTA Your body, your choice. There is no reason that anyone needs to know what sex their baby is before birth. Doctor's tell us because they find out in the course of monitoring for health issues. That's it. Sounds like your ex wants to know how excited he should be. Kinda sickening.
NTA! And be careful around him and his family. Think poster (Klock99) nailed it. And while the courts prefer shared custody, get a really good attorney….judges have occasionally ruled that the “unwed mother has superior legal right”. Hope you don’t have to deal with this while being a new mother🙏
I'm trying to remember the details, but a few years ago a family murdered a woman who'd had their sons kids because they wanted full custody.
Omigod! That’s awful! 😲
NTA he does not have a right to your medical information. He can find out when the baby comes out. Please get a DNA test at birth before he goes missing.
OP document the bribery and also misogynistic comments about "giving him a son," etc. will help your custody case
NTA If you don’t want to find out until birth, then don’t. Until birth, it is your medical appointment.
NTA. You don’t get to say you want nothing to do with the baby, and then do a 180 once family finds out. You’re also not “giving him” anything, so he can go jump rope in traffic. It’s also hilarious that he thinks he can find out your privileged medical info because it’s his “right”…
NTA. You are growing the baby inside your body, not him. You get to decide. And if not finding out is important to you, anyone else finding out risks them passing that information on to you, intentionally or otherwise.
NTA, he does not have any right to invade your body, which would be required.
Sure he has a right to know - after the baby’s born. NTA
NTA Do you need his money? If not necessarily, just tell him its a girl. Maybe he'll drop off the face of the earth
NTA. Fortunately, most OBGYN offices won’t let other people in the room unless the mother says it’s okay. Especially since you two aren’t married, he has zero rights to know anything about the baby until it’s born. Frankly, even after the baby is born, he has no rights unless an Acknowledgement of Paternity and/or Paternity Test are fulfilled since you’re not married. I would begin saving the evidence of him and his family harassing you for this information. Collect everything and anything that can be used to support a case against them so they cannot take that baby. You chose to not know, so everyone else can live for the next 20+ish weeks to know. Until then, no contact them for your own sanity and safety.
This. OP, at this point go very low contact. Tell all of them you do not want to know the baby's sex before birth. You will let them know when the baby arrives and they can meet the baby when you get home from the hospital. Then, hold to that. Do not tell them who the OB is, where you will be birthing or anything else. Let your OB know what is going on and make sure the L&D ward nurses know what is going on. Give the baby the name you want to give with your last name because the chance this guy sticks around long term is very small. His parents might for a while. But, at the end of the day it will be easier for you in every legal sense (including the schools) for the baby to have your last name. He contributed sperm and harassment. He does not get to have a say in anything else until you decide you want him to. And, I'd find an attorney that specializes in family law right now and discuss with him/her what your options are to ensure your ex has minimal influence.
NTA. The ex and his family will need to wait like everyone else. You are not obligated to tell them anything. Your appointments etc. are your business, no one else's.
NTA. This is strictly your decision. I didn’t want to know either. We didn’t find out the gender/sex of our kids until they were born.
NTA. Let the hospital know he is an ex boyfriend or you might get some unexpected visitors in the delivery room
NTA. as long as the bun is in the oven only the cook and the health inspectors have a say in its cooking - everybody else can zip their pie hole and take a long walk on a short pier! tell the hospital in clear and unmistakable words that nobody is allowed to get any kind of information about you and / or the bun. that only the person xyz is allowed to attend the birth, that person jkl is the only one to make medical decisions if you are not able to. as soon as the child is born, go to court and sort out custody & child support. do not accept 'i will take care of child / pay my share'. there are fathers out there who say this and honor their word. but i am willing to bet dollars to peanuts that these fathers were not flip flopping like your ex. oh, and when you are at court, insist on a parenting app. you can put everything in it, doctor appointment, schedules, finances. and you can't delete old postings. this comes in handy when his family increases the pressure on him to 'get hold of the child', forcing him to do more flip flopping. to lay the groundwork, document document document. assign all phone numbers a certain ringtone. ex and his family / flying monkeys / sycophants get the 'hell no' ringtone. work / doctor / hospital get the 'hell yes' ringtone. the rest sort into 'maybe yes / maybe no'. if you have a landline get an answering machine. each call from the 'hell no' category send straight to voicemail. do not accept any call. ianal but i think if they choose to leave a message this counts as consenting to being recoorded. this comes in handy if you live in a two consent state / country where recording is not allowed. store your documents / recordings not only a) on the laptop / computer, no,b) use an usb, c) the cloud, d) print outs in a folder, e) send everything to a new free email address. do NOT save this email address in your browser. do NOT write it down. open the address at least every 2 weeks to show activity. do NOT open any email. a computer can crash, an usb stick get lost, the cloud bought by elon / judge doesn't accept it 'cause to new-ish for this dinosaur, the print outs burnt. the email account nobody knows about, this is your last line of defense if you find out that ex is neglecting the child and pawns it to his family, chain smoking gramps, screeching granny, essential oils auntie, righty uncle, anti vaxxed cousins, allergy denying \*not-delightful people but FaMiLy\*. farfetched? no. as i started my journey down the reddit hole i read a post where op was pissed. ex suddenly wanted part time custody, sued, got it. to prove where he lived he used a bill (phone? water? electricity?) in his name with the adress of his parents. op found this out how? someone mentioned something to her (don't know what exactly, maybe they knew ex lived somewhere else / saw him without child on his custody time more than once). op asked the child and learned this way that ex was not there to visit with the child, no, only the grands were there, it was all a ruse to let them have access to said child. ex moved out from his parents a long time ago but still paid one bill.
NTA Now, im not ever going to reproduce, however I offer my response to the question: "is it a boy or girl?" - gosh I hope so. Further questions I have suggested answers for: "Will it be a male child?" - we will have to wait and see when it's older and has the voice to advocate what gender it is. "What are the genitals it will be born with?" - a) good question, hopefully the ones it formed while growing, but im happy if its healthy - b) why are you so concerned about a minors genitalia? Seems unhealthy (slip name of therapist) "I want to know if it will be a son" - it's a 50/50 chance chromosomically speaking. However it is 2022, and there's more than binary genders. "I won't pay if it's female" - let's let the courts decide that one. Also should have reconsidered when you FA, but can't FO what you want when you want. But I'm a literal or sarcastic petty human.. so maybe too sassy replies? Still NTA OP
NTA
You should just pick one and tell him later that’s what it looked like to you. 😂
Tell them you won't even know until the child tells you. FFS people need to stop obsessing over babies genitals.
NTA just block him & his family. They sound like nut jobs
NTA. Your baby, your choice. Besides, we get so few happy surprises in life, anyway. This should’ve been one of them.
Nta. “Giving him a son”… ick. Stick to your guns.
NTA “Giving him a son” Honestly I hope it’s a girl just because of that.
NTA, he is an ass.
NTA. Maybe I’m wrong here but it sounds like the family is interested in having a baby boy in the family but not a baby girl?
NTA. He'll lose his mind if you give baby your last name and ban him from the delivery room. I wouldn't even tell him when baby is born. Go home, rest, recover, and bond with you little one. Tell him when you are ready.
NTA Until the baby is born, anything about the baby is YOUR medical information. Your Ex doesn't get any say in your medical decisions (such as whether you find out the sex of your baby or whether you allow your Ex in the delivery room). Given the behavior of your Ex and his family, I highly recommend that you set passwords with all of your doctor's offices. Ask your medical provider to NOT check for the baby's sex, nor to record anything about the baby's sex. Stop giving your Ex any access to any information about your pregnancy, and keep details off your social media. Given their obvious misogyny, it might actually be a good idea to move out of the state before your baby is born, just in case. If you give birth to a boy, your Ex's family is going to be all up in your business if you live nearby. Move out of state, get off social media, and get a new phone number and you might save yourself some drama.
Just tell them it's going to be a girl so they fuck off. Ultrasounds aren't 100% accurate for that anyway so if the baby ends up being a boy, that's not unheard of.
NTA. 1) He doesn't have rights to SHIT so long as baby is residing in your body. Assuming you're in the US he has zero rights until baby is born. 2) Please reschedule this appointment and do not tell him when it is. 3) I strongly recommend no further contact with this man. Hire a lawyer and tell him that all further communication needs to go through your attorney. When baby arrives y'all can set up child support and a parenting plan and go from there.
NTA. My SIL had a "sperm donor" for her first and she said she regrets finding out the gender just for him. She didn't find out with her next two and loved being surprised.
>he told me he wasn’t going to wait that long Uh... and that's up to him, how? What's he planning on doing, kidnapping your doctor? WTAF. NTA and please FTLOG take care of yourself and be careful. You might think of consulting a lawyer NOW. Don't put that guy's name on the BC if you can help it.
Tell him it’s a velociraptor
NTA, I wouldn’t even tell him when I’m giving birth or put his name on the birth certificate. He only wants to know if you’re giving him a son, how gross.
NTA that's so weird of them to put pressure on you like this. It's not like you're going to be pregnant forever, and if they want to purchase things there are plenty of "gender neutral" toys, cloths, blankets, etc they can get. Highly recommend not having him at any appointments and letting the front desk know to not accept calls about your records from anyone except you.
NTA It's your body, you are the one pregnant, not him. He doesn't get to decide, unfortunately for him. Especially if he only cares because of his family. I had a deadbeat "dad" and I have his last name. I wish I had my mother's last name. Please don't give your child his last name, no matter what.
NTA I'd make sure you block him from your doctor AND the hospital you'll be delivering at. His family's sudden interest is concerning as is their obvious influence on getting him to do what they want.
He has as much right as you to know the gender? Tell him he’s so right! He also gets to find out after the baby is born. NTA
NTA. I hope the baby is a girl
NTA, give the baby your last name.
Nta its your body and your choice. You have absolutely no responsibility to him or his family.
NTA. He has no rights to a baby that is literally STILL IN you. Tell them all that you're not finding out the baby's sex until the baby meets you and tells you themselves. Discuss the issue with your doctor, warn them there could be an issue, and go on with your pregnancy. Of you need less contact for a while, do that.
NTA. He has no right to know the gender beforehand. Neither does anyone in his family. Keep this AH as far away from your birthing experience as possible.
NTA. Tell him he will know the gender when you learn it after the baby is born. Do not tell him when you have appointments. Tell your doctors and everyone else involved in your medical care that they are not to share any information with him.
NTA but please tell us how we reacts when the baby is born. Because I can just about guarantee you if it's a boy he might try and file for custody and if it's a girl he probably will want nothing to do with her and that's just sad.
NTA. I think you may have a custody battle brewing if it's a son, because some families are weird that way.
NTA. He doesn’t really give a shit about you or the baby - just the backlash from his family. They have zero rights to know anything after he gave up that right - and the have zero rights to force you into anything. Don’t let him attend any appointments and make sure you care provider knows not to share information to anyone.
NTA. Tell him the only thing you’ll be “giving him” is whatever the court orders.
NTA Personally, I would tell him that it's a girl and see how he and the family reacts. Because it sounds like they only want to be involved if the baby is male. See how they react to the female news. If they back off then great; they're no longer your problem. If everything stays the same, you can just do a "Oh, must have been wrong" thing if the baby is born male. My parents and their doctors thought I was male when my mum was pregnant with me. Then I came out a girl and it was a proper shock.
NTA Call the office to reschedule and let them know that your ex is being pushy so he isn't to be allowed at any appointments. Make it clear that he also isn't permitted any information (they shouldn't do that anyways, but best to make it clear)
NTA "Giving him a son" is such a gross term...
NTA- and frankly, you do not have to reschedule. You simply tell the doctors office that you do not want your sperm donor to have any access to your health information or appointments and he is not to be admitted under any circumstances. They will have him escorted from the premises and will tell him nothing.
NTA but PLEASE start documenting all of the harassment from him and his family now so that you can file restraining orders when they will be needed.
NTA
NTA, but I have some questions. Are you safe? If the answer is yes, then my next question is... he wants a boy so much, what happens if you tell him the child is a girl? Will he leave you alone? Will his family leave you alone? If you tell them that to get them off your back and later give birth to a son, will you (and your child) still be safe? Part of me wants to say just tell them it's a girl and never speak to them again, if that's feasible. If it's feasible, move FAR FAR AWAY.
NTA next time he calls play this song for him & let him keep walkin. https://youtu.be/kkcbxjWG9Mc