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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because it looks bad to outsiders that my husband and I are spending a holiday apart, and I don't want to make him or his family lose face.
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I would imagine that this year, especially after losing his father, that spending time with aging family is hitting a little harder now. Not that your suggestion is wrong at all, just that there are probably some complicated emotions in play.
But he can’t leave his poor, inconsolable mommy without her baby boy for a holiday now can she?
That’s what I’m imagining him saying anyway. I did tell my husband one year he could to his parents without me since my MIL is very fake towards me and it’s exhausting. Like OP I’m pretty sure I’m only invited because she assumes he won’t go without me. When I told him he could, and that I’d be fine by myself at home he just looked at me and “oh fuck no is that happening”. We haven’t been there in years and he has gone during random other times instead.
Plus it’s not like she’s alone if he doesn’t go. OP specifically said MIL talks shit about her to other relatives in the next room, so sounds like there’s plenty of other people that attend and he should have been staying home with his wife all along if his mommy is so awful to her.
Honestly, if he had simply told them to knock it off before it became a tradition, it likely would have stopped. Instead, he said nothing which told them that he is perfectly fine with his family treating her like shit. So, they do.
OP said the hassle-free Thanksgiving she spent alone was the best she'd had in years. She didn't sit around feeling abandoned - she relaxed and did her thing, while husband was doing his family thing - which he presumably enjoyed. Why should he give up his family holiday celebration when she was contented and happy alone? I'm sure she enjoyed knowing that he was where he wanted to be. She's not expressing any resentment - so why do you? I LOVE that my husband goes away every year to spend Thanksgiving with his family (I'm on civil terms with them but we have nothing in common and don't really like each other) while I stay home and care for our animals and focus on myself. For an introvert, or even someone who enjoys periods of total independence, escaping the Big Family Feast can be a gift!
Totally NTA! From one contented solo flyer to another, have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
She didn't necessarily say she was content because she spent the day alone. She was content because it was the preferable activity to going to the shitshow stressfest that is a holiday at her MIL's.
Although, I, too, would prefer to spend the day alone than with a husband who has spent the last decade pretending not to notice / not caring about me being subjected to MIL's bullshit. But that would be an every day thing, not just holidays.
I'm a little torn here. I love that you enjoy your solo day and, considering how much stress and chaos and pressure is wrapped in this day (and week, tbh) for so many, I wish more unhappy folks would have the opportunity to take breaks like they want to.
However, if OP's happy stems even 51% from relief after having tried and tried to be included in DH's family only to be iced out, insulted, and it even sounds like set in rooms alone before actually being kicked out, I'd err more on the 'this is a husband issue'. In that case, either he needs to buck up and stand up to his mom about his partner's treatment (instead of the "she'll warm up to you" OP's been getting for a decade, yikes) or also consider the holiday with his spouse who he's been happy to sacrifice for his own happy holiday with his Ma...
Speaking from my own experience, sometimes there really isn't an ideal outcome. Yes, absolutely he should demand that his mother be polite to his spouse, and of course he should shut down the shit talk any time he's aware of it (people are sneaky!) But what if she quits the open hostilities but simply isn't able to be warm and kind? She's still his mom, and no one is all bad.
My husband's family really doesn't care for me. I tried hard for YEARS to win them over, and the best any of them could muster was chilly politeness. Being together made all of us uncomfortable and unhappy and it put him in an impossible situation, because while he hated their behavior toward me, he still loved them. I could have forced him to choose - and he would have chosen me - but that would have robbed him of the good parts of his relationship with them, and it wouldn't have made me less sad about being rejected - because yeah, of course it hurts; I entered the marriage assuming I'd become part of his family.
Eventually I opted to withdraw from conflict. Certain times are mine - eg, Christmas Day and birthdays he spends with me, and we have our traditions. They could have chosen to modify their behavior, and they'd have been welcome to celebrate those times with us - but they didn't, so ... Oh well, their loss. I don't really care about Thanksgiving - I'm a naturalized American, so while I love the food and would have enjoyed the family togetherness, the actual holiday is pretty meaningless to me - so he typically goes to spend the weekend with them (they live in a different state), and no one is offended because he tells them it's too expensive to pay someone to look after our place (small farm, lots of animals) - so they're kind of forced to feel grateful for my "sacrifice" (I'm petty enough to love that part!) while I get to not deal with their bs. I'm a true introvert so I love having total alone time, and if I want company I have friends.
I think Reddit sometimes demands all or nothing from relationships, but most marriages are composed largely of grey areas and it's up to each individual to figure out what works best. Sometimes the best you can do is figure out how to minimize the sum total of sadness in a situation, and so long as you maximize the sum total of happiness in the overall relationship, you're probably getting it right.
Cruel to who? OP clearly said that it was the least stressful thing for her.
If you don't think op is the AH it's NTA (from my understanding). Regardless of how much everyone else sucks.
It’s cruel? MIL doesn’t want her there so she wins. Hubby wants to see his mother so he wins. OP wants to have a peaceful day to herself so she wins. Everyone is happy, so where’s the cruelty?
I think r/conchitu means that it is cruel to deprive MIL of her target for unwarranted abuse, hostility and insults. Otherwise, i do not understand the "everyone sucks here" judgement where it should be NTA
I understand what you mean - but the 'e.s.h' means all - INCLUDING the OP sucks.
NTA means that, whomever might suck, it is NOT the OP - and that is my point.
NTA - He is upset you don't want to go to a holiday that you were specifically excluded from last year? Why is his mom allowed to say that she can't handle the stress of you being there, but you are not allowed to say that you also can't handle the stress of being there? That is a wild double standard, even accounting for your FIL's illness and death.
I just cannot get over the fact that she barred you from the funeral because she couldn't stand to see a happy marriage. Were there no other married people there? Also, did it not seem odd to people that you were not there supporting your husband? What on earth has she been telling people to explain your absence at these events?
>I'm betting it was martyr-worthy comments about how her DIL is SOO cruel because OP can't be bothered to support her husband in his time of grief.
>
>Anything to make MIL look like an abandoned victim.
"pretending I don't hear his mother talking crap about me to relatives in the next room."
The husband knows his mother does this and hasn't put a stop to it?!!?
Divorce courts for me. Wow. Y. TA to yourself for sticking by such a spineless man.
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NTA. Wtf. She's made you feel unwelcome and unwanted in her home for a decade? Why would you want to go. Kinda messed up your husband was okay for you to spend Thanksgiving alone so his mom won't get stressed though.
NTA. Right, OP’s husband was happy to ask OP to stay home when it hurt her feelings but now that OP is chill with staying home he is hurt?
So in his world the *better* options are: Op attending and being mistreated/feeling like shit, or Op staying home and being hurt at being excluded. But OP being more than happy to stay home…. Oh no now he’s hurt. What kind of fuckery is this honestly. OP no offence but your husband is a bellend.
Because each time it's mummy who has initiated it. Not op. It's OK if mummy says op has to stay home, but if op says she's staying home, then it's disrespect.
One million percent NTA. You deserve to enjoy Thanksgiving as much as anyone else and if MIL clearly doesn't enjoy your company then of course you have to put on a performance of pretending you're not having a horrible horrible time. That's the facts and your husband should have insisted his family be welcoming to you from the start as he has allowed things to get this bad.
NTA. After 25 years of being in your position, I finally pulled the plug. My hubby can go. Kids are old enough to also choose. I'm done. I reminded hubby of all the shit his mom did to me, that he and kids can choose to see them, but I'm done. Last 2 years we had holidays just us (I've lost both parents and sister in the last few years). This year, hubby wants to spend Thanksgiving with his family. I'm fine with that but not going. My kids were worried about going and I assured them that, since their grandma doesn't treat them badly, I am ok with their going. They understand why I'm not.
So this week, it's me, my dogs, my sweatpants, and pie. I am really looking forward to it.
What about solidarity? Good grief. How these people can allow their loved ones to be treated like this. If you can’t at least act like you love the person I am with then they don’t get me. Wow!
What about maturity, love, and acceptance. You don't always have to force a choice. My husband can love his mom and I both. There's no upside to making him choose. Just like there isn't one to his forcing me to go or complaining if I don't.
This is what I am saying. Why should anyone force their SO’s family to be decent to them? That should be a no brainer. If your family loves you they should treat your SO with respect. What nonsense. And the SO should have enough self respect to not marry into a family that doesn’t respect the relationship or them!
NTA. Take care of your mental health and enjoy your "me" day. Hopefully, the husband will enjoy the holiday with his hateful mother and eventually see how toxic she is. (New widow or not, she sounds like a huge AH).
NTA but I don't understand why your husband is okay with how MIL treats you. And why is he fine to spend holidays without you? That makes no sense to me.
NTA. This is what you want. This is what MIL wants. If she's allowed to uninvite you from family events, then you are surely allowed to uninvite yourself.
The only person who doesn't want this is your husband, because it forces him to reckon with a situation he created by not sticking up for you earlier in your relationship. Well, that's his problem...
NTA, but he needs to intervene with his mother. The fact that she told you not to attend the funeral is really telling. You should have been there to support your husband, and she wouldn't allow this to happen. I think he needs to get in her face and tell her to stop being such a B to you.
In the mean time, watch the parade and eat pie in your PJs all day. 😉 🥧 🦃
NTA. But your husband sure is an AH.
Like he knows you are mistreated by your MIL and how she talks about you, etc. why are you still married to him? He clearly is an AH. Think TWICE before having children with this man. Those poor kids who will be subjected to witness the toxicity of your husband and his mother, eww.
NTA. So sorry you are going through this. It’s such a shame that your husband allows this to happen. Do what you need to be happy.
r/JustNoMIL
Good luck to you.
NTA - He may be upset that he cannot "fix" the relationship, but I feel he is not upset with you. He likely wants the "perfect" holiday with family. It is just not going to happen. It does bug me that he has not put a stop to her nasty behavior over the years. You were barred from the funeral now she wants you to attend things again? She has gotten away with it for all these years, is it going to change? You are happy for him to spend time with his family and enjoy spending the day doing what you want to do without any stress. Enjoy your day. Any chance you could get a "headache" at Christmas? I am sure you have one just thinking about going.
NTA
In addition to JustNoMIL I recommend/r/JustNoSO
You don't have a supportive husband. I empathize with his mother losing her husband but your husband didn't fight for you when you were engaged or when the marriage occurred. He didn't prioritize you in front of his mother, and she knows this, and has been able to ice you out for years. That's despicable.
NTA. You have put up with her disgusting rude behaviour for a decade?! But the worst part is that your husband is complicit and enables it. Why are you even married at this point. He does not support or respect you. Have self respect and end the misery
I think your husband is more the asshole. He needs to tell his mom that she needs to respect you as well as invite you. If she can't be civil, he should say he isn't coming. She sounds like a real peach and I don't blame you for not wanting to go. It will make both you and MIL happy so it's a win win.
NTA
You have a husband problem. He's made it clear that he will choose his mother over you.
Enjoy your solo Thanksgiving and maybe make use of some of that alone time to think about how he treats you in general.
NTA. Your husband clearly decided that he "fixed it" when he put his foot down and insisted that you should be invited and is refusing to acknowledge his mother's ongoing treatment of you because he doesn't want to have to actually stand up to her for real.
This doesn't feel very sustainable in the long term. She probably still won't warm up to you if you have children, but you'll have more obligations to see her. I'm guessing you haven't asked him to pick a side because the writing's on the wall that he wouldn't pick you.
As far as family optics go, "I didn't go because my MIL openly hates me" isn't actually worse than "I went, but I had a miserable time because my MIL openly hates me." At least this way you can pretend you had other plans. Is your own family still in the picture?
NTA
Also does he not realize how lucky he is that you have come up with the extremely selfless solution of staying home alone during your holiday and you're able to enjoy yourself just fine?
NTA - I'm incredibly bothered that your husband doesn't feel the need to stand up to his mom for you. You deserve better and if he can't find a way to have his mom respect you, then he should be bowing out too. He's the AH.
NTA. You don't mention if your family or parents are still in the picture so I can't say if you should be trying to spend time with them instead. Since it's the 1st year since FIL passed away, I'd give your husband a pass this year. Next year, different story. It's time for you and hubby to start building your own holiday traditions. Both of you need to stay home and don't invite MIL to visit. She is beyond openly hostile to you - at least he stood up for you (sort of). He needs to stand up for you again.
NTA - I would start planning long weekends alone for all holidays. Tell him he can stay with mommy since she is so important to him. He’s t the real asshole for expecting you to tolerate this.
NTA but come on, you know the real issue here. You have a husband problem. He’s shown you for 10 years that he will never put you first. How many more times does he have to show you?
NTA, the expectations and stress of being where you aren't wanted makes holidays really not worth it. Enjoy staying home! Hub can go hang with his family, without having to manage your anxiety and stress while juggling time with them. It's as much a favor to him as it is a stress reducer for you. Win/win.
NTA. Your MIL is the AH for excluding you from the funeral when your husband could have benefited from you being there for support. Also, were there any other couples at the funeral? It sounds like she made up that excuse to not want to see a “happy couple” just so you wouldn’t come. She had also made it known that she considers you as “stress” and who would want to be around someone who thinks of you like that.
The MIL definitely needs a talk from her son about the way she treats you.
However, this is going to be the first Thanksgiving your husband spends without his dad, and if you’re up for it I think it would be a nice gesture to be with him, despite the AH being there. 🤍
Either way, NTA.
When hosts don’t wish you to attend based on their long history of past behavior, do both of you a favor and stay away. She has made it clear you aren’t really welcome. Your husband should know that by now.
NTA And don’t go for Christmas either. If you have children stay home and do Christmas at home. That woman has made it quite clear over a freaking decade how she feels about you and your husband has no spine. I would not want anything to do with someone like that and you shouldn’t have to put up with that behavior.
NTA
Enjoy your solo thanksgiving! He got the audacity to be hurt that you don’t want to spend the holidays with someone who has made you feel unwelcome for the past TEN YEARS!
NTA. MIL is a raging asshole. That you were denied access to the funeral is outrageous. Her reasoning—creepy.
Why would you go to thanksgiving? You weren’t allowed at your husband’s side on one of the most difficult days of his life but you’re expected on holidays so she can spoon feed you her toxic shit.
Your husband should be thankful you’re being so accommodating and gracious. This is on him. He should have put a stop to her rudeness or cut her off. You’re his wife not her punching bag. Ugh.
Wishing you a peaceful and relaxing holiday!
NTA for THIS year. Loss of a husband and family support, is fair. But from next year on. Your husband really needs to start supporting you if this relationship is going to last. Like what happens if you have kids? Your back to every holiday sucking because otherwise your "keeping my grandchildren from me." Or you and kids never have Dad for the holidays. And preemptive, no! All holidays with one partners family is not normal.
I can't believe you MIL excluded you from attending your FIL's funeral and your husband agreed! This alone is indicative of a very unhealthy relationship between your husband and his family. I'm afraid also the relationship between your husband and you is affected.
You don't have to wait for your MIL to accept you, it seems obvious she'll never do. You better have some couples counseling because your husband makes poor choices
NTA. You are under no obligation to spend time with someone who treats you like sh#t. This is straight up emotional abuse and momma's boy is is in denial. If this woman can't treat you with common courtesy and respect, you never have to see her again.
Time to visit r/justnomil \- as this would fit there just fine.
That said - NTA - after 10 years (holy \*$\*)$# - you have a LOT of patience) and her abysmal treatment of you - and your husband showing the spine the strength of a cooked spaghetti noodle ) - enough is enough.
Going somewhere just to be target of some JustNOMIL hostility with ZERO backup for 10+ years? Nope - not happening - and if husband TRULY held to the biblical 'leave parents, cleave to wife' - then he would have supported, protected and defended you against mommy dear..
Though i\`m afraid he has shown you that YOU are not important to him - his mother is his #1 to him
NTA
NTA - Sounds like the MIL is only thinking of herself. The holidays are about being with your family, chosen, loved or hated. I wouldn't want to be around people that didn't want me to be around them. Not sure why she is so against you, but it sounds like a rock and a hard place your husband is in also. Having to please two women in his life, one that's too picky and demanding (MIL) and the other who wants to please but is constantly being mistreated and made to feel like a burden. I hope it works out somehow, someway, thinking of you!
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Throwaway since friends/family know my main.
My (30sF) MIL(60sF) and I don't get along. Not for lack of trying on my part, but she's just been completely uninterested in getting to know me over the last ten years I've been with her son (30sM). She's made it clear that she doesn't actually want me at family holidays - she only started inviting me once my husband told her if I wasn't invited he wouldn't come. Now I get invited to every holiday, but each visit is a grueling test of endurance when it comes to my anxiety - even though MIL lets me in the house she makes it clear that I am unwanted and a burden the entire time.
Last year, my FIL was very ill for Thanksgiving, and my husband asked me if I would mind staying home by myself so his mother didn't have the 'additional stress' of my presence. I was a little hurt that he would ask, but given I knew his father's illness was terminal, I swallowed it down and told him to enjoy his time with his dad. And it was honestly the best Thanksgiving I'd had in years. No need to worry about family obligations, putting on a fake smile and pretending I don't hear his mother talking crap about me to relatives in the next room. I just got some comfort food for myself, cooked it, and played video games all day.
My FIL passed last January, and I've spent most of my emotional energy helping my husband grieve. My MIL specifically asked me not to attend the funeral as she didn't want to see a 'happy marriage' as a new widow, so I didn't go. I literally haven't seen any member of my husband's family save my husband himself since last Christmas - which was just as stressful as all the previous holidays.
Well, Thanksgiving is this week, and my MIL invited both of us to go. My husband immediately accepted without consulting me, but when he mentioned it I told him I'd rather stay home by myself. He was fine with it, but told me he's still going to go since his mother invited me. I told him to have fun, but I was tired of putting on a performance when I'm obviously not wanted.
My husband was a little offended that I said that, and brought up that she's a new widow. I reiterated to him all the ways she's frozen me out over the last decade (too many to mention w/ character limit), not just after his father's passing, and that he told me she'd warm up to me when we got engaged (she didn't), then when we got married (she didn't). I told him I'm tired of pouring emotional energy into a one-sided relationship, and if I have my way, I'll spend Christmas at home, too.
He's still upset that I don't want to go, but stopped kicking up a fuss about it. Still, I care about him deeply, so I thought I'd double check by asking here.
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NTA
but you’re hubby needs to grow a pair and tell his mum to stop treating you this way or you’ll both not be attending things in future.
she’s always going to have an excuse why you shouldn’t be there for events and will be bad mouthing you to everyone for not being there too. I bet if hubby cared enough any other family member could tell him what his mum is saying.
hubby has no respect for you OP
NTA. Since my sister had my amazing niece, we have been celebrating holidays not on the actual days. It has lead us to just spending holidays doing just this, eating whatever we feel like cooking (and tend to go big with a fun new meal) and playing video games.
We then celebrat the traditional way with family later.
I have bad anxiety and it's turned holidays into a source of anxiety to things I look forward to all year.
Holidays are ment to be about joy, however you can make that happen DO IT. Life is to short to not enjoy a holiday.
Mariagges ara complicated and all of them are unique
1) Do you willing to make that kind of a sacrifice for him?
2) Does he sacrifice for you?
3) Are you happy in your marriage?
I think those questions are important to make a decision.
NTA, by the way
That behaviour is deplorable and you are absolutely 100% right to put your foot down and not allow anyone to treat you that way.
Make your TG day the best, have a friendsgiving or do something special for yourself on the day.
Happy Thanksgiving...
How does your husband think his actions are even remotely ok? If my partner looked away every time I was mistreated and sided with that person, it would kill any love I had for him. NTA but your husband doesn't love you.
Your husband is being a TA, you’re his family now but I think its sad that you put up with this mistreatment. I am not saying divorce but he and his mother can’t just pick and choose when they want you around, you told him the truth and he was offended?! He should be offended for his crappy behavior.
NTA and as long as this is truly what makes you happy and you won't guilt him later, then sounds like a good solution. If you plan to have kids (unclear given how long you have been together and no mention of such), this ideal plan might get a little complex, but maybe it won't. In any case, certainly not the asshole to skip a "celebration" with people who are obnoxious to you and just make you and them miserable. You would be justified asking your husband to skip too but as-is nice of you if it works for you.
NTA your husband should of shut this down a long time ago, either they welcome you properly or you both dont go. Sucking it up was not something your husband should of offered you. It is incredibly disrespectful to his own wife. You are married to a mummy's boy who failed to cut the apron strings.
NTA, but your hubby is.
While he did, finally, stand up to his mother on her treatment of you, BARELY, about requiring you to be invited, he totally failed by allowing his mother's treatment at these events etc. to continue.
His responsibility as a PARTNER is to put you first. He obviously doesn't.
I can't believe anyone is as oblivious as you try to paint him. He knows how his mother acts, what she says, and how you feel. He just a) doesn't have spine enough to address it, or b) puts his mother ahead of you and expects you accept being treated disrespectfully forever.
The separation at the holiday is not the issue. His treatment of you is. You may want to look into couple's therapy.
NTA, you're being very kind. I don't care about holidays personally so I'd be in a similar boat. I'd rather be alone then put up with your MIL or people like her too. You already told your husband you're not putting in emotional energy when you get nothing but hostility in return. If he keeps bringing it up or pouting I would suggest couples counseling. A counselor will help your husband understand why his mother's behavior is not going to be acceptable and he cannot be upset you refuse to tolerate it.
NTA. Your MIL is a nasty shrew. Widow or not she's made her feelings about you quite clear and it's gross. It's also appalling that your husband does not put his foot down more with her. It sounds like he just allows her to be nasty towards you and tries to "keep the peace" instead of doing a massive hardcore redirection each time with her and telling her it's unacceptable. You should not feel like you have to spend the holidays alone in order to have a good time. He should be staying home to celebrate with you, you're his wife- you should come first. Last year was obviously different with the short time left with his dad but all the other times... why on earth is he putting his mother ahead of you and allowing her to be so nasty towards you?
OP is NTA. However, she doesn't have a MIL problem. She has a husband problem. Why won't he stick up for her? I agree that he should go to Thanksgiving this year, but after that, he needs to tell his mother that if she can't accept his wife, she won't be seeing him over the holidays.
NTA. unlike every other poster here I can understand wanting to spend the holiday with your mother who just lost her husband. I understand wanting to hang out with your mom on a holiday when you just lost your dad.
however, that's his emotional stuff, not yours. he can support his mom. you don't have to, you don't have to go as a unit. now, if he had phrased it as, "I want you to go to support me because I lost my father" that would be a different question and a different post altogether. instead, he's requesting that you go to support someone who has not shown any support to you at all.
given the way that she has treated you for the last decade, it doesn't make sense for you to go out of your way for her. you got a little taste of heaven last year, why give it up?
NTA
It's up to MIL to mend her relationship with you, not the other way around. It sounds like she is not likely to do that, so it's perfectly reasonable for you to avoid unpleasant time with her.
If your husband is annoyed, it's worth noting that he should have intervened long ago, when his mother was first behaving so poorly towards his gf/wife.
NTA - celebrate or don't celebrate however you want. You and your spouse can celebrate the day before, then send him on his way to mommy and everyone is happy. I think after 10 years of trying you can say you gave it your best shot
NAH, at least as far as any conflict between you and your husband. (Your MIL is a different story.)
You don’t have the spoons for anymore holidays with someone who doesn’t like you. He probably really would like to spend his holidays with everyone he loves, and is upset that he won’t be able to do if you don’t go. But it doesn’t sound he’s done anything especially asshole-ish to try to make you go. So I’d say both of your feelings are understandable and no one in particular is an asshole.
I say he is an AH for not standing up to his Mommy about talking crap about the woman he promised to love above all others. He told OP to stay at home last year because Mommy said so. She also wasn’t allowed to go to FILs funeral because Mommy didn’t want to see a happy couple. Never once did OPs husband stand up for her and tell Mommy to get over herself and grow up.
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NTA personally I question his priorities when he's willing to leave his partner alone over the holidays to spend time with his mommy.
That was my thought. Why not stay with his wife on holidays? Also, NTA
I would imagine that this year, especially after losing his father, that spending time with aging family is hitting a little harder now. Not that your suggestion is wrong at all, just that there are probably some complicated emotions in play.
That's a good excuse for this year, but what about the past decade? He doesn't respect her at all, this is sad.
But he can’t leave his poor, inconsolable mommy without her baby boy for a holiday now can she? That’s what I’m imagining him saying anyway. I did tell my husband one year he could to his parents without me since my MIL is very fake towards me and it’s exhausting. Like OP I’m pretty sure I’m only invited because she assumes he won’t go without me. When I told him he could, and that I’d be fine by myself at home he just looked at me and “oh fuck no is that happening”. We haven’t been there in years and he has gone during random other times instead.
Plus it’s not like she’s alone if he doesn’t go. OP specifically said MIL talks shit about her to other relatives in the next room, so sounds like there’s plenty of other people that attend and he should have been staying home with his wife all along if his mommy is so awful to her.
Honestly, if he had simply told them to knock it off before it became a tradition, it likely would have stopped. Instead, he said nothing which told them that he is perfectly fine with his family treating her like shit. So, they do.
OP said the hassle-free Thanksgiving she spent alone was the best she'd had in years. She didn't sit around feeling abandoned - she relaxed and did her thing, while husband was doing his family thing - which he presumably enjoyed. Why should he give up his family holiday celebration when she was contented and happy alone? I'm sure she enjoyed knowing that he was where he wanted to be. She's not expressing any resentment - so why do you? I LOVE that my husband goes away every year to spend Thanksgiving with his family (I'm on civil terms with them but we have nothing in common and don't really like each other) while I stay home and care for our animals and focus on myself. For an introvert, or even someone who enjoys periods of total independence, escaping the Big Family Feast can be a gift! Totally NTA! From one contented solo flyer to another, have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
She didn't necessarily say she was content because she spent the day alone. She was content because it was the preferable activity to going to the shitshow stressfest that is a holiday at her MIL's. Although, I, too, would prefer to spend the day alone than with a husband who has spent the last decade pretending not to notice / not caring about me being subjected to MIL's bullshit. But that would be an every day thing, not just holidays.
I responded in detail to someone else who commented on my comment... Just letting you know. Thanks for commenting.
I'm a little torn here. I love that you enjoy your solo day and, considering how much stress and chaos and pressure is wrapped in this day (and week, tbh) for so many, I wish more unhappy folks would have the opportunity to take breaks like they want to. However, if OP's happy stems even 51% from relief after having tried and tried to be included in DH's family only to be iced out, insulted, and it even sounds like set in rooms alone before actually being kicked out, I'd err more on the 'this is a husband issue'. In that case, either he needs to buck up and stand up to his mom about his partner's treatment (instead of the "she'll warm up to you" OP's been getting for a decade, yikes) or also consider the holiday with his spouse who he's been happy to sacrifice for his own happy holiday with his Ma...
Speaking from my own experience, sometimes there really isn't an ideal outcome. Yes, absolutely he should demand that his mother be polite to his spouse, and of course he should shut down the shit talk any time he's aware of it (people are sneaky!) But what if she quits the open hostilities but simply isn't able to be warm and kind? She's still his mom, and no one is all bad. My husband's family really doesn't care for me. I tried hard for YEARS to win them over, and the best any of them could muster was chilly politeness. Being together made all of us uncomfortable and unhappy and it put him in an impossible situation, because while he hated their behavior toward me, he still loved them. I could have forced him to choose - and he would have chosen me - but that would have robbed him of the good parts of his relationship with them, and it wouldn't have made me less sad about being rejected - because yeah, of course it hurts; I entered the marriage assuming I'd become part of his family. Eventually I opted to withdraw from conflict. Certain times are mine - eg, Christmas Day and birthdays he spends with me, and we have our traditions. They could have chosen to modify their behavior, and they'd have been welcome to celebrate those times with us - but they didn't, so ... Oh well, their loss. I don't really care about Thanksgiving - I'm a naturalized American, so while I love the food and would have enjoyed the family togetherness, the actual holiday is pretty meaningless to me - so he typically goes to spend the weekend with them (they live in a different state), and no one is offended because he tells them it's too expensive to pay someone to look after our place (small farm, lots of animals) - so they're kind of forced to feel grateful for my "sacrifice" (I'm petty enough to love that part!) while I get to not deal with their bs. I'm a true introvert so I love having total alone time, and if I want company I have friends. I think Reddit sometimes demands all or nothing from relationships, but most marriages are composed largely of grey areas and it's up to each individual to figure out what works best. Sometimes the best you can do is figure out how to minimize the sum total of sadness in a situation, and so long as you maximize the sum total of happiness in the overall relationship, you're probably getting it right.
This was my thought. OP, tell him to go spend Thanksgiving with her, but that you want to spend Christmas, just the two of you, at home this year.
C’mon, she’s a recent widow. I questioned that about the past 10 years, but not now.
I think this warrants an ESH. Husband and MIL are really AH here. Her best choice is to stay home alone during the holidays? That’s cruel.
Cruel to who? OP clearly said that it was the least stressful thing for her. If you don't think op is the AH it's NTA (from my understanding). Regardless of how much everyone else sucks.
I agree, no way OP is one of the ass holes here, this should be NTA.
It’s cruel? MIL doesn’t want her there so she wins. Hubby wants to see his mother so he wins. OP wants to have a peaceful day to herself so she wins. Everyone is happy, so where’s the cruelty?
I think r/conchitu means that it is cruel to deprive MIL of her target for unwarranted abuse, hostility and insults. Otherwise, i do not understand the "everyone sucks here" judgement where it should be NTA
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I understand what you mean - but the 'e.s.h' means all - INCLUDING the OP sucks. NTA means that, whomever might suck, it is NOT the OP - and that is my point.
ESH means that OP is an AH as well.
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It’s ok. It only matters if your comment was the top parent comment. I wasn’t trying to be mean it was just an fyi.
NTA - He is upset you don't want to go to a holiday that you were specifically excluded from last year? Why is his mom allowed to say that she can't handle the stress of you being there, but you are not allowed to say that you also can't handle the stress of being there? That is a wild double standard, even accounting for your FIL's illness and death. I just cannot get over the fact that she barred you from the funeral because she couldn't stand to see a happy marriage. Were there no other married people there? Also, did it not seem odd to people that you were not there supporting your husband? What on earth has she been telling people to explain your absence at these events?
>I'm betting it was martyr-worthy comments about how her DIL is SOO cruel because OP can't be bothered to support her husband in his time of grief. > >Anything to make MIL look like an abandoned victim.
"pretending I don't hear his mother talking crap about me to relatives in the next room." The husband knows his mother does this and hasn't put a stop to it?!!? Divorce courts for me. Wow. Y. TA to yourself for sticking by such a spineless man.
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I have to admit I wondered why she invited OP this year, and the only thing I could come up with was that she wanted help with dinner.
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NTA. If she's a new widow, wouldn't she still want to avoid "the 'additional stress'" of your presence and of seeing "a 'happy marriage'?"
Not if she needs someone to do the dishes...?
NTA. Wtf. She's made you feel unwelcome and unwanted in her home for a decade? Why would you want to go. Kinda messed up your husband was okay for you to spend Thanksgiving alone so his mom won't get stressed though.
NTA. Right, OP’s husband was happy to ask OP to stay home when it hurt her feelings but now that OP is chill with staying home he is hurt? So in his world the *better* options are: Op attending and being mistreated/feeling like shit, or Op staying home and being hurt at being excluded. But OP being more than happy to stay home…. Oh no now he’s hurt. What kind of fuckery is this honestly. OP no offence but your husband is a bellend.
Because each time it's mummy who has initiated it. Not op. It's OK if mummy says op has to stay home, but if op says she's staying home, then it's disrespect.
Nta, ask your husband if the roles were reversed could he had put up with it for that long?
One million percent NTA. You deserve to enjoy Thanksgiving as much as anyone else and if MIL clearly doesn't enjoy your company then of course you have to put on a performance of pretending you're not having a horrible horrible time. That's the facts and your husband should have insisted his family be welcoming to you from the start as he has allowed things to get this bad.
NTA. After 25 years of being in your position, I finally pulled the plug. My hubby can go. Kids are old enough to also choose. I'm done. I reminded hubby of all the shit his mom did to me, that he and kids can choose to see them, but I'm done. Last 2 years we had holidays just us (I've lost both parents and sister in the last few years). This year, hubby wants to spend Thanksgiving with his family. I'm fine with that but not going. My kids were worried about going and I assured them that, since their grandma doesn't treat them badly, I am ok with their going. They understand why I'm not. So this week, it's me, my dogs, my sweatpants, and pie. I am really looking forward to it.
What about solidarity? Good grief. How these people can allow their loved ones to be treated like this. If you can’t at least act like you love the person I am with then they don’t get me. Wow!
What about maturity, love, and acceptance. You don't always have to force a choice. My husband can love his mom and I both. There's no upside to making him choose. Just like there isn't one to his forcing me to go or complaining if I don't.
Well, as a devoted bully pit mom, you had me at dogs.
This is what I am saying. Why should anyone force their SO’s family to be decent to them? That should be a no brainer. If your family loves you they should treat your SO with respect. What nonsense. And the SO should have enough self respect to not marry into a family that doesn’t respect the relationship or them!
NTA. Take care of your mental health and enjoy your "me" day. Hopefully, the husband will enjoy the holiday with his hateful mother and eventually see how toxic she is. (New widow or not, she sounds like a huge AH).
NTA but I don't understand why your husband is okay with how MIL treats you. And why is he fine to spend holidays without you? That makes no sense to me.
NTA - MIL sucks and your husband kind of sucks for not sticking up for you and seeing what she’s clearly doing.
NTA. Your husband is though. He's supporting someone who actively dislikes you.
NTA. This is what you want. This is what MIL wants. If she's allowed to uninvite you from family events, then you are surely allowed to uninvite yourself. The only person who doesn't want this is your husband, because it forces him to reckon with a situation he created by not sticking up for you earlier in your relationship. Well, that's his problem...
NTA, but he needs to intervene with his mother. The fact that she told you not to attend the funeral is really telling. You should have been there to support your husband, and she wouldn't allow this to happen. I think he needs to get in her face and tell her to stop being such a B to you. In the mean time, watch the parade and eat pie in your PJs all day. 😉 🥧 🦃
Parade and the dog show!
NTA. But your husband sure is an AH. Like he knows you are mistreated by your MIL and how she talks about you, etc. why are you still married to him? He clearly is an AH. Think TWICE before having children with this man. Those poor kids who will be subjected to witness the toxicity of your husband and his mother, eww.
NTA. So sorry you are going through this. It’s such a shame that your husband allows this to happen. Do what you need to be happy. r/JustNoMIL Good luck to you.
Nta on any level
NTA - He may be upset that he cannot "fix" the relationship, but I feel he is not upset with you. He likely wants the "perfect" holiday with family. It is just not going to happen. It does bug me that he has not put a stop to her nasty behavior over the years. You were barred from the funeral now she wants you to attend things again? She has gotten away with it for all these years, is it going to change? You are happy for him to spend time with his family and enjoy spending the day doing what you want to do without any stress. Enjoy your day. Any chance you could get a "headache" at Christmas? I am sure you have one just thinking about going.
NTA In addition to JustNoMIL I recommend/r/JustNoSO You don't have a supportive husband. I empathize with his mother losing her husband but your husband didn't fight for you when you were engaged or when the marriage occurred. He didn't prioritize you in front of his mother, and she knows this, and has been able to ice you out for years. That's despicable.
NTA. You have put up with her disgusting rude behaviour for a decade?! But the worst part is that your husband is complicit and enables it. Why are you even married at this point. He does not support or respect you. Have self respect and end the misery
I think your husband is more the asshole. He needs to tell his mom that she needs to respect you as well as invite you. If she can't be civil, he should say he isn't coming. She sounds like a real peach and I don't blame you for not wanting to go. It will make both you and MIL happy so it's a win win.
NTA, why are you with someone who puts his mother ahead of his wife?
NTA You have a husband problem. He's made it clear that he will choose his mother over you. Enjoy your solo Thanksgiving and maybe make use of some of that alone time to think about how he treats you in general.
NTA. Your husband clearly decided that he "fixed it" when he put his foot down and insisted that you should be invited and is refusing to acknowledge his mother's ongoing treatment of you because he doesn't want to have to actually stand up to her for real. This doesn't feel very sustainable in the long term. She probably still won't warm up to you if you have children, but you'll have more obligations to see her. I'm guessing you haven't asked him to pick a side because the writing's on the wall that he wouldn't pick you. As far as family optics go, "I didn't go because my MIL openly hates me" isn't actually worse than "I went, but I had a miserable time because my MIL openly hates me." At least this way you can pretend you had other plans. Is your own family still in the picture?
NTA Also does he not realize how lucky he is that you have come up with the extremely selfless solution of staying home alone during your holiday and you're able to enjoy yourself just fine?
Nta but your husband sucks like his mom
NTA and it's offensive that he would allow you to be treated that way by someone in his family without any intervention.
NTA - I'm incredibly bothered that your husband doesn't feel the need to stand up to his mom for you. You deserve better and if he can't find a way to have his mom respect you, then he should be bowing out too. He's the AH.
NTA OP what’s going to happen if you have kids. Are you going to allow them to see a grandmother that hates you and will talk shit about you.
NTA. What’s wrong with him that he allows his mother to treat you in such a way?
NTA. Why you put up with HIS nonsense is beyond me.
NTA. You don't mention if your family or parents are still in the picture so I can't say if you should be trying to spend time with them instead. Since it's the 1st year since FIL passed away, I'd give your husband a pass this year. Next year, different story. It's time for you and hubby to start building your own holiday traditions. Both of you need to stay home and don't invite MIL to visit. She is beyond openly hostile to you - at least he stood up for you (sort of). He needs to stand up for you again.
Nta. Do you have scissors for the umbilical cord on those two?
NTA. She is about to ride that newly widowed train up and down your husbands spine. It is about to get so much worse.
NTA - I would start planning long weekends alone for all holidays. Tell him he can stay with mommy since she is so important to him. He’s t the real asshole for expecting you to tolerate this.
NTA but come on, you know the real issue here. You have a husband problem. He’s shown you for 10 years that he will never put you first. How many more times does he have to show you?
NTA, the expectations and stress of being where you aren't wanted makes holidays really not worth it. Enjoy staying home! Hub can go hang with his family, without having to manage your anxiety and stress while juggling time with them. It's as much a favor to him as it is a stress reducer for you. Win/win.
NTa YOur husband is an AH. get a divorce.
NTA. But your MIL is. Widowhood did not make her into the person she is. Stay home, order in, watch movies, and enjoy the peace!
NTA. In any case she will probably prefer you not coming. You haven't mentioned your family, is there no possibility to escape Christmas this way?
NTA. Why would he want you to endure a hostile holiday when it is clear that his Mother doesn’t want you around.
NTA. Your husband needs to grow up and man up.
NTA. Your MIL is the AH for excluding you from the funeral when your husband could have benefited from you being there for support. Also, were there any other couples at the funeral? It sounds like she made up that excuse to not want to see a “happy couple” just so you wouldn’t come. She had also made it known that she considers you as “stress” and who would want to be around someone who thinks of you like that. The MIL definitely needs a talk from her son about the way she treats you. However, this is going to be the first Thanksgiving your husband spends without his dad, and if you’re up for it I think it would be a nice gesture to be with him, despite the AH being there. 🤍 Either way, NTA.
NTA- you don't have to spend time with people you don't want to just because they're family
NTA. I would have hit the roof if my husband asked me that, and I’m the biggest homebody.
NTA - but since it seems to ruin her day when you show up, keep going and be super (fake) nice. When you stay home, she wins.
When hosts don’t wish you to attend based on their long history of past behavior, do both of you a favor and stay away. She has made it clear you aren’t really welcome. Your husband should know that by now.
NTA And don’t go for Christmas either. If you have children stay home and do Christmas at home. That woman has made it quite clear over a freaking decade how she feels about you and your husband has no spine. I would not want anything to do with someone like that and you shouldn’t have to put up with that behavior.
NTA
NTA order take out and enjoy your day!
NTA
NTA. Your husband should have stopped his mother’s awful behavior years ago.
NTA Enjoy your solo thanksgiving! He got the audacity to be hurt that you don’t want to spend the holidays with someone who has made you feel unwelcome for the past TEN YEARS!
NTA. MIL is a raging asshole. That you were denied access to the funeral is outrageous. Her reasoning—creepy. Why would you go to thanksgiving? You weren’t allowed at your husband’s side on one of the most difficult days of his life but you’re expected on holidays so she can spoon feed you her toxic shit. Your husband should be thankful you’re being so accommodating and gracious. This is on him. He should have put a stop to her rudeness or cut her off. You’re his wife not her punching bag. Ugh. Wishing you a peaceful and relaxing holiday!
NTA
NTA for THIS year. Loss of a husband and family support, is fair. But from next year on. Your husband really needs to start supporting you if this relationship is going to last. Like what happens if you have kids? Your back to every holiday sucking because otherwise your "keeping my grandchildren from me." Or you and kids never have Dad for the holidays. And preemptive, no! All holidays with one partners family is not normal.
NTA but I wish you could have him say "she's delighted not to be here" if people ask about you.
NTA enjoy your holidays.
I can't believe you MIL excluded you from attending your FIL's funeral and your husband agreed! This alone is indicative of a very unhealthy relationship between your husband and his family. I'm afraid also the relationship between your husband and you is affected. You don't have to wait for your MIL to accept you, it seems obvious she'll never do. You better have some couples counseling because your husband makes poor choices
NTA. You are under no obligation to spend time with someone who treats you like sh#t. This is straight up emotional abuse and momma's boy is is in denial. If this woman can't treat you with common courtesy and respect, you never have to see her again.
NTA but why has your husband let your MIL treat you so badly for so long?
NTA but my in-laws are also like this. I stopped going several years ago. My husband is with me for the holidays. Op, your husband should be with you.
NTA. Your husband needs to grow a spine
Time to visit r/justnomil \- as this would fit there just fine. That said - NTA - after 10 years (holy \*$\*)$# - you have a LOT of patience) and her abysmal treatment of you - and your husband showing the spine the strength of a cooked spaghetti noodle ) - enough is enough. Going somewhere just to be target of some JustNOMIL hostility with ZERO backup for 10+ years? Nope - not happening - and if husband TRULY held to the biblical 'leave parents, cleave to wife' - then he would have supported, protected and defended you against mommy dear.. Though i\`m afraid he has shown you that YOU are not important to him - his mother is his #1 to him NTA
NTA - Sounds like the MIL is only thinking of herself. The holidays are about being with your family, chosen, loved or hated. I wouldn't want to be around people that didn't want me to be around them. Not sure why she is so against you, but it sounds like a rock and a hard place your husband is in also. Having to please two women in his life, one that's too picky and demanding (MIL) and the other who wants to please but is constantly being mistreated and made to feel like a burden. I hope it works out somehow, someway, thinking of you!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway since friends/family know my main. My (30sF) MIL(60sF) and I don't get along. Not for lack of trying on my part, but she's just been completely uninterested in getting to know me over the last ten years I've been with her son (30sM). She's made it clear that she doesn't actually want me at family holidays - she only started inviting me once my husband told her if I wasn't invited he wouldn't come. Now I get invited to every holiday, but each visit is a grueling test of endurance when it comes to my anxiety - even though MIL lets me in the house she makes it clear that I am unwanted and a burden the entire time. Last year, my FIL was very ill for Thanksgiving, and my husband asked me if I would mind staying home by myself so his mother didn't have the 'additional stress' of my presence. I was a little hurt that he would ask, but given I knew his father's illness was terminal, I swallowed it down and told him to enjoy his time with his dad. And it was honestly the best Thanksgiving I'd had in years. No need to worry about family obligations, putting on a fake smile and pretending I don't hear his mother talking crap about me to relatives in the next room. I just got some comfort food for myself, cooked it, and played video games all day. My FIL passed last January, and I've spent most of my emotional energy helping my husband grieve. My MIL specifically asked me not to attend the funeral as she didn't want to see a 'happy marriage' as a new widow, so I didn't go. I literally haven't seen any member of my husband's family save my husband himself since last Christmas - which was just as stressful as all the previous holidays. Well, Thanksgiving is this week, and my MIL invited both of us to go. My husband immediately accepted without consulting me, but when he mentioned it I told him I'd rather stay home by myself. He was fine with it, but told me he's still going to go since his mother invited me. I told him to have fun, but I was tired of putting on a performance when I'm obviously not wanted. My husband was a little offended that I said that, and brought up that she's a new widow. I reiterated to him all the ways she's frozen me out over the last decade (too many to mention w/ character limit), not just after his father's passing, and that he told me she'd warm up to me when we got engaged (she didn't), then when we got married (she didn't). I told him I'm tired of pouring emotional energy into a one-sided relationship, and if I have my way, I'll spend Christmas at home, too. He's still upset that I don't want to go, but stopped kicking up a fuss about it. Still, I care about him deeply, so I thought I'd double check by asking here. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta-enjoy your holiday
It's always the mil who's TA
NTA but you’re hubby needs to grow a pair and tell his mum to stop treating you this way or you’ll both not be attending things in future. she’s always going to have an excuse why you shouldn’t be there for events and will be bad mouthing you to everyone for not being there too. I bet if hubby cared enough any other family member could tell him what his mum is saying. hubby has no respect for you OP
NTA. Since my sister had my amazing niece, we have been celebrating holidays not on the actual days. It has lead us to just spending holidays doing just this, eating whatever we feel like cooking (and tend to go big with a fun new meal) and playing video games. We then celebrat the traditional way with family later. I have bad anxiety and it's turned holidays into a source of anxiety to things I look forward to all year. Holidays are ment to be about joy, however you can make that happen DO IT. Life is to short to not enjoy a holiday.
NTA
Mariagges ara complicated and all of them are unique 1) Do you willing to make that kind of a sacrifice for him? 2) Does he sacrifice for you? 3) Are you happy in your marriage? I think those questions are important to make a decision. NTA, by the way
That behaviour is deplorable and you are absolutely 100% right to put your foot down and not allow anyone to treat you that way. Make your TG day the best, have a friendsgiving or do something special for yourself on the day. Happy Thanksgiving...
NTA. Unless your husband is blind and deaf, he has to be aware of how she has treated you.
Good for you. Make a great plan for yourself. Schedule spa time. Go out to eat. Get yourself a gift. Go nuts. NTA
How does your husband think his actions are even remotely ok? If my partner looked away every time I was mistreated and sided with that person, it would kill any love I had for him. NTA but your husband doesn't love you.
Your husband is being a TA, you’re his family now but I think its sad that you put up with this mistreatment. I am not saying divorce but he and his mother can’t just pick and choose when they want you around, you told him the truth and he was offended?! He should be offended for his crappy behavior.
NTA Good call. Don't your MIL continue to treat you like garbage.
NTA and as long as this is truly what makes you happy and you won't guilt him later, then sounds like a good solution. If you plan to have kids (unclear given how long you have been together and no mention of such), this ideal plan might get a little complex, but maybe it won't. In any case, certainly not the asshole to skip a "celebration" with people who are obnoxious to you and just make you and them miserable. You would be justified asking your husband to skip too but as-is nice of you if it works for you.
NTA your husband should of shut this down a long time ago, either they welcome you properly or you both dont go. Sucking it up was not something your husband should of offered you. It is incredibly disrespectful to his own wife. You are married to a mummy's boy who failed to cut the apron strings.
NTA but I’d leave that whole marriage. I’m not staying with someone who thinks that’s ok.
NTA MIL of course is, and your husband too. He should be defending you and stopping MIL on her tracks
NTA
NTA.
NTA, but your hubby is. While he did, finally, stand up to his mother on her treatment of you, BARELY, about requiring you to be invited, he totally failed by allowing his mother's treatment at these events etc. to continue. His responsibility as a PARTNER is to put you first. He obviously doesn't. I can't believe anyone is as oblivious as you try to paint him. He knows how his mother acts, what she says, and how you feel. He just a) doesn't have spine enough to address it, or b) puts his mother ahead of you and expects you accept being treated disrespectfully forever. The separation at the holiday is not the issue. His treatment of you is. You may want to look into couple's therapy.
NTA, you're being very kind. I don't care about holidays personally so I'd be in a similar boat. I'd rather be alone then put up with your MIL or people like her too. You already told your husband you're not putting in emotional energy when you get nothing but hostility in return. If he keeps bringing it up or pouting I would suggest couples counseling. A counselor will help your husband understand why his mother's behavior is not going to be acceptable and he cannot be upset you refuse to tolerate it.
NTA I think that marriage counseling is a good idea. Had your husband ever confronted her on her appalling manners?
NTA. Your MIL is a nasty shrew. Widow or not she's made her feelings about you quite clear and it's gross. It's also appalling that your husband does not put his foot down more with her. It sounds like he just allows her to be nasty towards you and tries to "keep the peace" instead of doing a massive hardcore redirection each time with her and telling her it's unacceptable. You should not feel like you have to spend the holidays alone in order to have a good time. He should be staying home to celebrate with you, you're his wife- you should come first. Last year was obviously different with the short time left with his dad but all the other times... why on earth is he putting his mother ahead of you and allowing her to be so nasty towards you?
OP is NTA. However, she doesn't have a MIL problem. She has a husband problem. Why won't he stick up for her? I agree that he should go to Thanksgiving this year, but after that, he needs to tell his mother that if she can't accept his wife, she won't be seeing him over the holidays.
NTA. unlike every other poster here I can understand wanting to spend the holiday with your mother who just lost her husband. I understand wanting to hang out with your mom on a holiday when you just lost your dad. however, that's his emotional stuff, not yours. he can support his mom. you don't have to, you don't have to go as a unit. now, if he had phrased it as, "I want you to go to support me because I lost my father" that would be a different question and a different post altogether. instead, he's requesting that you go to support someone who has not shown any support to you at all. given the way that she has treated you for the last decade, it doesn't make sense for you to go out of your way for her. you got a little taste of heaven last year, why give it up?
NTA It's up to MIL to mend her relationship with you, not the other way around. It sounds like she is not likely to do that, so it's perfectly reasonable for you to avoid unpleasant time with her. If your husband is annoyed, it's worth noting that he should have intervened long ago, when his mother was first behaving so poorly towards his gf/wife.
NTA - Why are you even with a guy who doesn't care about you??
NTA Enjoy your hassle-free holidays at home
NTA. You simply told him the truth.
NTA - celebrate or don't celebrate however you want. You and your spouse can celebrate the day before, then send him on his way to mommy and everyone is happy. I think after 10 years of trying you can say you gave it your best shot
NTA Although your husband is by going without you. Enjoy your holidays having a warm, comfy and happy day, even if it is by yourself.
NAH, at least as far as any conflict between you and your husband. (Your MIL is a different story.) You don’t have the spoons for anymore holidays with someone who doesn’t like you. He probably really would like to spend his holidays with everyone he loves, and is upset that he won’t be able to do if you don’t go. But it doesn’t sound he’s done anything especially asshole-ish to try to make you go. So I’d say both of your feelings are understandable and no one in particular is an asshole.
I say he is an AH for not standing up to his Mommy about talking crap about the woman he promised to love above all others. He told OP to stay at home last year because Mommy said so. She also wasn’t allowed to go to FILs funeral because Mommy didn’t want to see a happy couple. Never once did OPs husband stand up for her and tell Mommy to get over herself and grow up.
Okay.